("Lovejoy" theme music) (glass smashes) - Not those colors.

I need stripes, that's what I need.

(Lily grumbles under her breath) - Hallmarks.

- Four.

- Name them.

- Hall or town, maker, date, standard.

- Leopard's head?

- Crowned or uncrowned?

- Not just a pretty face.

- Come to think of it- - Not a pretty face at all.

- Crowned.

- Leopard's head crowned, London 1719 to 1836.

- I think he's got it.

- By George, he's got it!

♪ I think he's got the hallmarks on the hill.

♪ (car whizzes) (classical music plays) - Why aren't you using straight-line depreciation?

Well, find out, for god's sake!

That's what I pay you for, don'?

Pillock!

(phone rings) - Hello?

- Hi, doll, It's me.

Home in 10.

- Oh.

- I can murder a very large G&T.

(Joe smacks lips) - Yeah, all right, then, Joe.

Y. Oh, no.

- Something sparkling in the fridge for later?

- What do you mean?

(he chuckles) (dress rustles) - Wa-hey!

There's my lovely girl.

Bottoms up.

- Do you want your Wedgwood cuff links or what?

- You've got 'em out the safe, have you now?

Anything'll do.

- It's not right, is it?

- It's lovely.

- It's not too, you know?

- Beautiful, girl.

Beautiful.

Only go easy on the booze.

Three glasses of wine, top weig.

Don't want you snorkeling in Lord Felsham's Pouilly-Fuisse.

- I'm not a total nar-nar, you .

- You're beautiful, doll.

Only this nosh, multo importante.

Know what I mean?

- No.

- Gruder?

- Joe and Lily.

- And he's in property?

- Builder, developer, entrepre-.

- Mm.

Will I like him?

- Salt of the earth, my darling.

- Salt's not good for you.

- A chance to get to know him in a non-business context.

- No shop.

- Jane, please!

(Joe sniffs) - Ah, there you go.

- Yeah?

- Barnet's nice.

- Oh, yeah.

Cath did it.

She always does it ever so nice.

- You never wear them pearls no.

- Well, I didn't think that the, they went with this dress, that.

- If you got it, flaunt it.

That's what they say.

(Joe sniggers) - Well, we don't wanna look like a pair of flash prats, do we, Joe?

- Oi, 20-odd grand them pearls .

And that's when a grand was a g. - Well, I'll wear them if you w. - No, no, don't matter.

- I mean, you know, some of them titled folks, they haven't got a penny to scratch their bums on.

- Nah, Felsham's stone rich.

Owns half of Suffolk.

Right, you fit?

- Yeah.

- Once this deal goes through, we'll own the other half, right?

- Right.

(car engine sputters) - I was afraid of that.

- Bloody Miriam!

She'll have to!

- I thought that was the whole point, Lovejoy.

A certain reluctance to go.

- [Alex] Eight?

- Yeah, I invited Lovejoy.

- Oh.

Who's he paired with?

- Rosemary Blake.

(Alex chuckles) - That should stop him laughing.

(cattle lows) (horn toots) (engine revs) (car door clicks) - Joe, good to see you.

- Alex.

You haven't met the trouble and strife.

Lily.

- Delighted to meet you, Lily.

- Hello.

- Darling, this is Joe and Lily.

My wife, Jane.

- Hello.

Hello.

- Hello, your ladyship.

I'm ever so sorry, but I don't really know what to call you.

- It couldn't be more simple.

I'm Jane, he's Alex.

- I thought you were gonna say !

(Lily giggles hysterically) (engine drones) - [Eric] Will sir be wanting me?

- Foxtrot Oscar.

- Eh?

(Lovejoy sighs) - [Jane] What happened to Miria?

- [Lovejoy] Intensive care.

- [Jane] Don't worry.

I'll run .

- [Joe] Now, now one thing I do.

I always wanted to live in a house with a bath.

- A swimming bath?

- No, love.

Ordinary two-tap job.

One hot, .

(Joe laughs) No, I can still hear us Hackney kids shouting "Cold!

Cold!"

The attendant, God rot him, kept throttling back on the hot water.

(Lily giggles hysterically) - Life was real.

- Too bloody real.

What's your wrinkle, then, Mr L?

- Antiques.

- You don't look that old.

- Aw, bless you, Lily.

(Lily giggles hysterically) - Lovejoy and I run an interior design consultancy.

- No kidding.

(Lily giggles) - What?

- Our little business.

- Oh, yes.

So if you ever get bored with your William and Mary and you wanna go all Victorian, we'll help you get there.

- Oh, you must come over and see our place, mustn't he, Joe?

- Oh, yeah.

All-comers welcome.

Do you make a living out of your antiques then?

- Well, as they said in Rome, J, (knuckles knock) SPQR.

- Sorry?

- Small profit, quick return.

- Oh, pile it high, sell it che.

- Today's junk is tomorrow's an.

It's slander, but they keep on .

(clock chimes) - Do you ride, Joe?

- Certainly.

Every morning.

Up on the exercise bike, fighting the flab.

(Joe sniggers) - I meant "horses".

- Listen, there's three things you can re.

Death, taxes and me not getting on a horse.

(Joe sniggers) - Rosemary has a new horse.

- I know.

I saw you on it the o.

- Daddy bought it for me at New.

A three-year-old colt, a real daisy-cutter.

- Enormous, great thing.

- Only 15 hands.

- I wouldn't like to sit next to him in a cinema.

(Lily giggles hysterically) - Are these portraits all Felsh?

- [Jane] Yes.

Miserable-looking.

- [Lily] Well, I agree.

(Lovejoy chuckles) - Cigar time.

They say the finest ones are Ha, rolled in the sweat from a Cuban girl's thigh.

Not this one, but you can dream, can't you?

So, Joe Gruder.

What do you rec?

I can't help remembering something my old granny used to, "There'll be tears before bedti" I get this feeling somebody cout and I get this feeling it won't be Joe.

- [Lily] Bye!

Bye!

Thank you, Jane.

It was ever so.

(gravel crunches) - So, what did you think of Joe?

- I was gonna ask Alex that.

- Let's hear your opinion.

- Well, it's nothing to do with me, but as a divvy, I do get these vibrations.

- I thought that was The Beach .

- Ignore him.

- Well, well, I would need to know a lot more about him before I got involved.

- He smiles too much.

- Yeah, what a smile.

It's like a slit in a letterbox.

- That's your considered opinio?

- It's just that I've probably met more villains than you have.

- I am a JP.

- Well, there can't be that mans sitting in the House of Lords.

- I wouldn't be too sure.

- With respect, Lovejoy, your divvying applies to antiques, not business, real business, which is why you arrived on a me and Joe came in his Rolls.

- Touche.

- You were right about one thin.

It is nothing to do with you.

- You know those pictures in the Felsham's dining room, all the ancestors... - You wanna see mine up there, ?

- Be nice.

- They'd all have numbers across their chests.

- Oh, Joe!

- You were very rude.

- Was I?

- Very.

I agree with Lovejoy.

- When don't you?

Joe Gruder started life by boiling beetroot for his greengrocer.

- Well, that's marvelous- - His favorite expression is "Cut the crap!"

- Probably loses something in the translation.

- This is the nineties, Jane, t. There are no more free lunches.

Assets are there to be used, to be made to sweat.

(Lily giggles and screams excit) - From Mr Joe Gruder.

- Oh.

Thank god he only came to.

- There you go.

£7 billion increase in trunk-road spending.

(paper rustles) They're gonna be crying out for gravel and aggregates.

- And we're certain there's gra?

- Well, the survey says so.

Tons and tons and tons of it.

You're sitting on a goldmine, A.

- Mm.

And then, we turn the lane into a mire or a bird sanctuary?

- Felsham Mire.

- It doesn't sound too grandios?

- No.

This is our chance to put something back into the pot.

We've both been lucky men, Alex.

This is where we say "thank you?

- Right.

- Right.

(dog barking) As you can see, this is a specially commissioned scale mol of Chez Gruder and inside, voila!

(music tinkles) Full of goodies.

(they gasp and giggle) Thought you'd like that.

Have a little play with that la?

And over here, the Burmese crumpet after the school of Rembrandt.

(Joe chuckles) Do you like it?

- It's em- - Remarkable?

Is that Maurice or Leeholm Remb?

- Sorry?

Oh.

- Remarkable.

(camera clicks) (suspenseful music) (door clicks shut) - How much, then?

- For what?

- Stripping the place, decking it out with antiques.

They don't have to be new ones.

- Ah, there's no answer to that.

- Why not?

- Could be as high as high as... As high as... - Yeah?

- 100,000?

(Joe inhales) - Make it 50 and there's two in it for you in readies.

- It's a landscape, Tink, and I saw it at yesterday's vie.

It's a panel attributed to Geor, a fella driving two cows.

- What sort of cows?

- The normal sort.

Four legs.

- No, what breed?

- Breed?

I don't know.

Black and white jobs.

- Friesians?

- Friesians-shmeezans, it's a fella, two cows and yeah, a drover, you know, in a white , two cows, a river and some tree.

- Any hills?

- Oh, yes.

Rolling alluvium with limestone outcrop.

Any more questions?

- I'm just trying to make sure we get the right picture.

- Well, put a shout in for me, ?

- How loud?

- Ah, 300.

Three-and-a-half top whack.

- Will do.

- Yeah, I'll see you at the Coc.

- Lovejoy.

- Oh, hello, Joe.

- You got a mo'?

- Sure.

(car door slams) - Look... (Joe clears his throat) I know antiques is your game, b, it's Lily's birthday coming up .

- Ah, a little for madam?

- Yeah.

I want a portrait done.

- Of her?

- No, of me.

Like the ones Felsham's got.

- Oh.

When is this birthday?

- Next Tuesday.

(Lovejoy inhales deeply) - Doesn't give as much time, do?

- Well, don't have to be a big .

- Eh, you know, Joe, it took Michelangelo four years to do the ceiling of the Sistin.

- Yeah, well, he was an "Eytie".

Use a local.

What about that geezer what done Winston Churchill?

- Oh, you won't get him.

- Why not?

- Well, for one thing, he's dea.

- And secondly?

(Joe sniggers) (Lovejoy chuckles) - Well, I know lots of artists who want commissions.

They don't come cheap, though.

- It's Lily's birthday, for god!

Money is "irrev-elant".

How much?

- Well, it depends on who we get, how many sittings.

- Sittings?

I ain't got time to fanny about on me arse all day.

- Well, maybe we could take some photographs.

Eric's a dab hand with a candid.

"Bailey of Bury St Edmunds", we.

Anyway, we could take some snap.

- But it has to be a surprise.

- We'll come to your office.

- Okay.

You're on.

Give us a bell first, though.

- Mm.

- Lady Jane, she seemed well impressed with the Burmese girl.

- Yeah, well, she would, Joe.

She's got taste.

- Yeah.

Maybe I should send her a copy.

- Yeah.

A nice touch.

- Maybe two.

(Lovejoy shouts) - God, don't do that, Lovejoy!

- How are you doing, freak?

- Lady Jane says we gotta start with an Adam fireplace.

Make a focal point for the sitt.

- That's a very good idea, but a French one of those.

- Yeah, well, that's not Adam.

- Louise Quinze.

- Is it?

- Quinze-ish.

- Well, how much?

- Bang it out to him for 500.

- Right.

Hold on a minute.

Isn't that the one you got from Hommefleur?

- Yeah.

- Well, you only paid 30 quid f. - Yeah.

It was a bargain.

- What, 470 quid markup?

- Very, very good bargain.

You know what would look great ?

Is one of those bronze reproducs of the Manneken Pis statue.

- The what?

- You know, little Belgian kid taking a widdle.

He'd look as if he was filling the pool, wouldn't he?

- Are you sure?

- Oh, it'd fit like an envelope round a cheque.

- Oh, and two packets of salt and vinegar crisps.

- There's just something about .

- I know.

- That's not exactly kosher.

- Alexander won't hear a word a.

- I noticed.

- Sorry about that.

- Rich as creases, yet he cuts corners like a one-armed paper hanger.

What exactly is this deal Alex has got with him?

- Some property transaction.

A piece of the Felsham estate.

(Lovejoy sighs) I think you should suss him out.

I mean, we can't keep telling Ar we just don't like him.

- It's not a question of liking.

Some of the biggest crooks you ever met, highly likable.

You're simply smiling when they slit your throat.

- Proof.

Concrete proof.

- [Lovejoy] Oh, that word, Jane.

I don't like it.

Concrete.

One part cement, two parts Lovejoy.

(crisps crunch) Tinker, where's my landscape?

- Sotheby's snapped it up.

- Squeezing the little man out .

Robbing the country of its heri.

- Right, Lily and Joe, I've made a list of things to look out for.

- Oh, could be wages, Tink.

- Lily favors Regency period.

- You mean, she knows what Rege?

- Not exactly, no, but she like.

- Dad was a Brentford supporter.

- How about a pillar and claw dining table?

- What about that Queen Anne ch?

Eric did a very fine job.

It's a lovely piece of walnut.

You'd never know.

- That's not Regency.

- Oh, you know that, I know tha, Eric nearly knows it, but- - What if Joe found out?

- I've told your people a thouss that what this project lacks is.

Docklands is a brand new city-within-a-city concept.

Derelict walls and Victorian was have been replaced by cleaning office towers and residential areas.

Come the year 2000, Docklands will be a home to 100.

And it'll offer as many jobs as, a city with a workforce of 200,.

So pull your finger out, right?!

Is that enough?

- Fantastic.

(hands clapping) Who were you talking to?

- No-one.

I done it for you.

- I was peeing myself.

- Well, so you're supposed to b.

Listen, talking to me is talking to 10 million quid and 10 million quid does not want to be shouted at.

- You've done this before, have?

- Well, journalists from the Financial Times said I use a telephone like a blunt instrument.

I like that.

Rubbished the comp.

(phone rings) - No, not that one.

That one.

- Yeah?

Yeah, I'll tell him.

- That fax you expected from Brussels is coming through now.

- Right, on me way.

Back in a minute, lads.

(door closes) - Quick.

- What?

- Get by that door.

- What?

- Stand guard and holler when he's coming back.

- Oh, no!

- What's the matter?

You're not frightened, are you?

- I'm terrified.

- Ya big baby.

- And what are you looking for ?

- You know, documents, papers, , anything to link him with that Felsham deal.

- And what if he comes back the?

- Then, we'll be caught, won't ?

- No, don't.

I'm too young to d. Besides, I've got tickets for the Guns N' Roses concert.

- Tickets?

You mean, you found e to share this indecent obsessio?

- He's coming!

He's coming!

(camera clicks) - You, you got enough smudges, ?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I should thin.

- Get yourself a cuppa, Eric.

I wanna bunny with Lovejoy.

(door clicks shut) So, I can leave it all up to you, then?

The portrait.

- Oh, yeah.

She'll start tomorr.

- Dinner the other night at the.

- Very, very nice.

- Did you notice?

- Notice what?

- Lady Jane.

- Lady Jane?

- Coming on very strong for me.

- She was?

- Faraway look over the port wi.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, yeah, I know that look.

I tell you, I always feel good about a deal if I can get a pull out of it.

Black ink on the books and a le.

- Lady Jane.

- Sugar?

- Joe says I'm sweet enough.

You've got lovely hands, Jane.

- Thank you.

- Not a single oven burn on 'em.

(Jane chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't mind?

- No, not at all.

- Do you know, you can tell an awful lot about a person from their hands.

- Have you studied it?

- Oh, no.

My friend, Doreen, you know, the one who never conjugated he, well, she reads hands, hands an.

- I imagine the teabag makes that difficult.

- Oh, I'd never thought of that.

I'll ask her.

Joe's got big hands.

Real diggers.

He gets right stuck in there.

(they giggle) I'm talking too much, aren't I?

- Of course not.

- Joe was a boy soldier, you kn.

Joined when he was 15.

- We still haven't decided on your kitchen.

- Oh, do we have to decide now?

- No.

You want to discuss it wi?

- I think it's best.

- Does Joe do much cooking?

- Oh, no!

He doesn't even know where the .

- You ought to decide.

It's you.

- Oh... - Has Joe always been a one-man?

- Oh, no.

He used to have a par.

Joe says he had got a terminal .

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Greed.

It's Joe's little joke.

(Lily giggles hysterically) - Here's one for the Gruder col. Regency Canterbury.

- Oh, that'll be very nice for m to put his Financial Times in, wouldn't it?

- Found it in the Walworth Road.

It's a lousy saleroom.

Tried to sell me a Fula mug, hunting scenes.

- Meanwhile, Operation Joe Grud.

(phone book bangs) I want you two to find out all , his past, his present and his f. - Well, what about Lily?

- Mrs Gruder is 18 carat.

She comes up with some real pea, but she's all right is that Lil.

No, it's Joe I'm worried about.

If he's trying to pull something over on the Felsham's, I want to know about it.

Right?

- Right.

(iron bangs) - Right?

- Right.

(iron bangs) - Right.

(suspenseful music) (engine revs) - I really shouldn't.

Well, just a taste.

- [Librarian] That's G-R-U-D-E-?

- That's him.

- And it's for a profile?

- You got it.

- Can you work a microfiche mac?

- Well, can a baby cry?

- Do you want to come with me?

- I bet you just love heavy met.

- Hate it.

(feet stamp) (gentle music plays) - Lil, do us a favor, girl.

Howitt, the jeweler, he's in the book under "H".

Give him a bell, tell him to come down tonight to give us a valuation on them pearls of yours.

- Oh, does it have to be today?

- Yeah.

I'm going to Germany Tu.

I want it wrapped up before the.

We're underinsured and the burglars are on overtime.

See to it.

Keep it warm till I get back.

Ciao.

- Yeah, okay then, Joe.

- [Eric] Joe Gruder had a partner, Roy Book.

He now lives in exile on the Costa del Crime.

And Book had done time.

Two lot.

- What for?

- GBH.

- Oh, nice people.

- Yeah.

And another partner, Ja, known as "Pink Jim Rutland", haulage contractor.

- Aren't they all?

- Yeah.

Died while mackerel fishing off.

- I warned him about those shoes, you know.

- And now, this is the really good bit, right?

- You could take this up, you k. - You reckon?

- Get on with it.

- Yeah, well, Joe was arrested after the Brinks-Mac robbery.

You remember?

Well, no charges were ever brou.

He don't smell of roses, does h?

- Sorry to interrupt.

- Hello, darling.

(Jane sighs) Don't fiddle.

- About Joe Gruder.

- Yes?

- I'm starting to worry.

- Really?

- He's been associated with cro.

- So have you.

Lovejoy.

- That was all a mistake.

- Oh, I see.

Lovejoy's allowed a mistake, but Joe isn't?

That your idea of logic?

Look, Joe's my partner and I'm delighted to have it th.

And you can tell Lovejoy- (phone rings) Yes?

Hello?

Yep.

Hold on.

Lily Gruder.

- Hello?

- Jane?

I'm in big trouble.

Could you come and meet me?

- Of course.

(general chatter) - I'm in shtook.

Big, big shtook.

- what's happened?

- It's my pearls.

- Have you lost them?

- No.

Joe wants me to get a jeweler in and have them valued.

- What's wrong with that?

- Well, my son, Alan, you know, the one I told you about?

- The one Joe disowns?

- Yeah.

Well, he needed some money to migrate to Australia.

- Yes?

- So I hocked 'em.

- When?

- Two weeks ago.

- But you were wearing pearls the other day.

- Oh no, no.

They were paste-up.

- Where are they, then?

- They're in Bishop's Stortford and the shop's shut and the man's gone to Holland and Joe says it has to be today.

- Well, you'll just have to tell him to wait.

Tell him it can't be today.

- You can't tell Joe "can't"!

They're my wedding present.

Joe will kill me.

- Right.

- Mr Howitt, Joe Gruder.

Did Lily call you?

She didn't?

Damn!

I reckon she might be onto me.

Yes, you can.

How you fixed for tonight?

- And they'd do that, would they?

They'd send a man down?

- For Joe, oh, yeah.

He's a goo.

You may even have money in the .

- Well?

- I agree with Lily.

Trouble.

- Oh, god, I'm so frightened.

Joe's a sweetie, but when he's .

- I promised Lily you'd think of something.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Lovejoy's very resourceful, a?

- Very.

This Robinson, moneylen, he's closed until tomorrow?

- Oh, yes.

It's the christening of his daughter's baby.

- Where?

- Amsterdam.

- Handy.

(bell tinkles) (woman laughs) (mat tapping) - Well?

- Don't rush me.

- We've only got until tonight.

(fruit machine buzzes and beeps) - Hang about.

Fancy a refill?

- Oh, I don't mind.

- Same again.

Make it a large o.

- Ship come in?

- I need a small favor.

- Cruelly insolvent at the moment, old bean.

- It's not money.

- It's not money?

- It's your body.

- Lovejoy.

- I want to borrow it tonight to impersonate a jeweler.

- Are you pulling my whatsit?

- It's only for an hour to help out Lily.

- Of Joe and Lily?

Lovejoy, I wouldn't go near that man if I were you.

Remember what Eric's found out.

He's a leg breaker from way bac.

- He's a pussycat.

- Well, he's not getting his claws into me.

This body is too old to mend.

- That's it?

- That's it.

- That's your final word.

- Final.

- Right.

I'll tell Jane, then.

- Jane?

- Mm.

Jane's idea.

I said you hadn't got the bottle.

- It was Jane's idea?

- Well, Jane thinks highly of y.

Well, thought highly of you.

- No, but hang on.

(glass bangs) (knocker bangs) - Lily, may I introduce Major Dill, jeweler extraordinaire.

- Hello, Tinker.

Joe's not back.

He'll be here any minute.

Come .

(door bangs) - [Joe] Lily?

Lil?

Oh, Lovejoy.

- Hello, Joe.

- A nice surprise.

- Oh, this is Major Dill, an old friend of mine.

Joe Gruder.

- Major.

- Hello.

- Any friend of Lovejoy's.

What regiment?

- Fusiliers.

- Oh.

Tower of London.

- Major Dill's a jeweler.

- Jeweler?

- Yes.

We heard you wanted some pearls valued.

- You never called Howitt.

- I tried, Joe, but I couldn't get through.

- Ah.

I thought you must have f. So I dropped by and picked him .

(tense music) - Yes, well, one jeweler's company, two's a crowd.

I think I'll yield.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You sit down, major.

Two heads are better than one.

Aren't they, Joe?

Mr Howitt, ri?

- If you say so.

So, Asprey's.

At least the case is a good 'un.

(they laugh nervously) You like pearls, do you, major?

- Yes.

I like them well enough.

(Joe sighs) - Well, anybody want their drinks freshening?

- No, thank you.

- Yeah, well, no point in poncing about, is t?

You care to kick off, major?

- Oh, no.

- No, no, no, please.

- No, you kick off, major.

- Yes, well, pearls, you know, are notoriously difficult to pr.

- No, I didn't.

- Oh, yes.

The greater pearl, for example, La Peregrina, the one that Burton gave to Tay, they are virtually priceless.

- Don't stop, major.

- [Tinker] One should always examine pearls against a pale background.

Because the pearl, if it is a t, is a responsive surface.

They assume the color and the texture of their surrou.

- Like the lady's skin?

- Exactly.

Now, question one, natural or cultured?

Natural, one would say because of the size and the mat.

Color's interesting.

Slightly pink.

Almost apricot.

Southeast Asia, I'd suggest.

They're not that old.

30, 40 years, perhaps little less.

The luster, the gleam, is stron, but gentle.

Pearls tend to fade if they're not worn next to the lady's skin.

Dull pearls, my dear, are pearls that are not worn.

- Fascinating, major, but you didn't say anything abo.

What are they worth?

- Um... - Well, as the major looked and spoke first, perhaps Mr Howitt would like to price them first.

- Without scales, without X-ray, without breaking up the string, but knowing something of their , something of their history, I'd say approximately, and it has to be approximate, 42, 42,000.

- [Joe] Major?

- I'm afraid I don't agree.

- You don't?

- No.

- What would you say, then?

- I'd say that Mr... - Howitt.

- [Tinker] Mr Howitt is way off.

I'd say 45,000, perhaps even mo.

Never ever do that to me again.

- You were terrific.

- That sort of man can put you in touch with your ancestors.

- How'd you do it?

- Do what?

- Make him say what he did?

- I don't know.

- Could they be genuine?

- Search me.

I couldn't tell pearls from bar.

- Dear Lily, bless her.

She could have hocked the wrong.

- And Robinson gave her £900 for paste and water?

- It's hardly likely, is it?

- Oi!

Who's playing silly buggers the?

- [Lovejoy] We were about to ask you the same question.

- You sussed they was falsies t?

- Joe, it was obvious from where I was sitting.

A blind man would've spotted th.

(Joe laughs) - When I saw you two sat sittin, damn near dumped me lunch, I ca.

Saved my Danish, you two have.

- Could you explain, Joe?

- Oh, yeah, well, about four year ago, big property gig goes belly up.

Suddenly, I'm completely brassic, skint as a fart.

It's car boot time.

All the jewelry, the Krugerrand, Hanson shares.

Even Lily's pearls.

I swapped them for some dreck.

Now I'm back in the moolah, I need to replace them PDQ.

Can you imagine, Lily found out her chokers, her wedding presen, nothing but paste and pee, she'd slice them off.

Never forgive me, never.

There you go, my son.

(paper rips) A small token.

Oh, I made it out to "bearer".

What with all the excitement and everything, I couldn't remember your name.

- [Lily] Joe!

Mr Howitt's come over all of a .

I've left him with his head between his knees!

- Oh, yeah, well, yeah, I'll come and see to him.

- [Lily] All right.

(Joe tuts) - Fusilier?

Wearing an artillery tie?

(Joe laughs) - I'll take that, major.

You might lose it.

- Playfair white marble chimney.

- How much?

- Estimated 15-25,000.

- I'll pass.

- Pair of colorful Meissen vase.

- Something you said, Tink.

- Meissen?

- No, last night.

About Robinson shelling out for paste pearls.

- It was a good question.

Still is.

(phone rings) - Lovejoy Antiques?

Janey, I was just about to call.

(engine revs) (bell tolls) - [Jane] "Credit & Finance".

- [Lovejoy] In other words, paw.

- Do they still exist?

- What a lovely sheltered life you lead, Janey.

- Now, why would he pay up for phony pearls?

- Yeah.

Why indeed?

- Perhaps Lily charmed him, but she showed him the paperwor.

Original receipt plus insurance.

Perhaps he just didn't check on.

Gruder's name is very well know.

- Did you find out any more about Alex's deal?

- He's selling Joe some land.

They're developing it together, taking out the gravel and turning it into something like a bird sanctuary.

Sounds very green.

- Joe Gruder, green?

Not exactly the color that springs to mind.

- You don't think he could get r into trouble, do you?

(bell tinkles) - He wouldn't let me have them.

- [Both] What?

Why not?

- He said they were paste, but they weren't.

They were the real ones!

(Lovejoy sighs) - [Lovejoy] Blackmail.

Well, remember what Howitt said last night about 42,000?

- Yes.

That's right, yes.

- You hocked the wrong ones.

- I suppose so.

(heels clicking) - Real or false, let's get 'em back.

- Lovejoy's very resourceful.

(lively and playful music) - Robinson?

- Yes.

- You know me?

Well, you should.

Joe Gruder.

My wife's pearls.

- They aren't pearls.

- Tell me something I don't kno.

- I accepted them in good faith.

Gave her my check for £900.

They aren't worth 50.

That is fraud.

- Thank you for the legal lesso.

She's got two sets, one real, o.

The real ones used for special .

The other for everyday use.

She pledged the wrong string.

- No, I'm sorry.

I don't believ.

- You've got 30 seconds to change your mind.

It's not a very good view.

- What isn't?

- Looking through two pennies at the lid of a pine box.

- You've made it out for a gran.

- A tun for your trouble, Mr Ro.

- Why "bearer"?

- I wouldn't want anything in w, linking my name with yours.

Just in case.

- Oh... Oh, Joe.

- Lovejoy.

- Hm?

- These pictures of Joe Gruder.

- Yeah.

Oh, get 'em over to Pat.

As soon as she has them, the sooner she can start.

- No, there's a plan on the office wall behind his head.

It's part of the Felsham estate.

- That's probably the bit they're developing together.

- No, but it says "Odyssey Park.

There's no park there.

Look.

- [Lovejoy] I missed it, Eric.

Tink, your friend in the planni.

- Reggie Partridge?

- Yeah.

See what "Odyssey Park" means to him.

- You are too kind.

(cash register pings) Whoa, whoa.

I really shouldn't.

- [Tinker] Odyssey Park.

Odyssey Park, Reg.

Did it ring any bells?

- Permission first applied for, July of this year.

- May one ask who applied?

- The architects representing the Felsham-Gruder Development Corporation.

- And has permission been grant?

- God moves mysteriously, but not that fast.

(Reggie chuckles) Still, with the Felsham name at, I can't envisage any particular objections.

- Reg, what is an Odyssey Park when it?

- Theme park.

- I thought they were just shifting the gravel.

- Yes, and then, building on the site.

- What sort of a theme park?

- A history of boats through th.

Everything from the Roman corace to the QE2.

There will be an adjacent motel, shopping precinct, caravan site.

It will provide a lot of jobs.

It's a relatively high unemploy.

- And it'll rape the countrysid.

- Can't please everyone, Mr Lov.

- What, if anything, has this got to do with Jane?

- It's the one way I knew I could get you here.

- Ah, yes, I thought as much.

- She's my friend.

I care what happens to her.

- Such altruism, Lovejoy.

All right, then.

Tell me what is going to happen.

- She'll be discredited, made to look a fool.

- And what affects her affects .

- Yeah, but she's the friend, you're the husband.

- [Alex] I wish you'd remember that more often.

- Okay, Alex, you're digging out the gravel, then what?

- I don't have to explain.

- Humor me.

- All right, then.

According to the geologist surv, the pits will soon fill up withr and then, we'll turn it into a mire or a bird sanctuary.

- What happens to the gee-gees?

- They'll be resettled.

- By the Big Dipper?

- What are you going on about?

- Oh, Alex, you've been conned.

- Oh, not that again.

We've been through all this.

- Odyssey Theme Park.

Man's love affair with a boat.

I think, Alex, they'll probably put the Kingfisher, that's the 80-bed motel, over there next to the Kestrel, that's the shopping precinct.

And of course, not forgetting the Seagull caravan site.

- Oh, my God.

- One thing, you didn't hear it.

- I've just heard about Patrici.

- The Premium Bond came up.

She went to Florence to paint.

- But we'll never get anybody to paint the portrait in time.

- Never.

(Tinker laughs) (Lily giggles) (door slams) - Joe, what is it?

- That bastard, Felsham, he's backed out, welshed on me!

- Why?

- I don't know.

Must've been you, you silly cow!

You said something to Lady Jane!

- I didn't!

I swear it!

- Piss probably!

(Lily screams) - I didn't talk!

- You shouldn't trust no-one, n!

- Honest to God, it wasn't me!

- Well, how did Felsham find ou?

If you didn't tell him, who did?

- It could've been anyone!

- Who?

- Anybody!

- Names!

Give me some names!

- I dunno!

Somebody in the offi.

- Why would they do it?

They'll be earning wages out of it!

Who, who do we know?

Who we come in contact with?

Who's been here or to the offic?

Who...?

(suspenseful music) Bring that weasel 'ere.

Yes.

Now!

Well, use your brains!

Just do it!

No good toerag.

I'll have him over, so help me.

- Joe, it wasn't Lovejoy.

It we.

- You what?

- Joe, you don't need them Felshams.

You're Joe Gruder.

The Joe Gruder.

You don't need no favors from half-soaked aristocrats.

I mean, they're nice people in their wa, but they're not our sort of peo.

What you've got, what you've ma, you've made yourself with a shovel, not silver spoons.

You don't need no favors.

Not n. You're big enough and good enough to make it on your own, believe me, Joe.

- And that's why you told him?

- Yes.

No, Joe.

- God, you're a lousy liar, but you're beautiful, doll.

Cross me heart, Lily, you ever left me, I'd be blitze.

Wouldn't know me arse from a hole in the ground.

- [Lily] Oh, Joe!

(bell tinkles) - Ah, yes, Mr Gruder's portrait.

Don't suppose you could wait, c?

Say, a couple of hours?

No, I didn't think you could.

I bet Antoni Gaudi never had th.

(outside door clicks) (door opens) The lengths some people go to to get a portrait delivered.

- You two, outside.

(fingers click) - Almost finished.

Going well, ?

- [Joe] You're doing it?

What do you take me for?

A shmuck or summit?

- Half price?

- Why, Lovejoy?

Why did you do it?

- Well, for one thing, she's go.

- No, I didn't mean that.

I mea.

Why did you tell him?

(Lovejoy sighs) - You wouldn't understand.

- Try me.

- Alex, Jane, they're my friend.

I didn't wanna see them conned.

- What about you and me?

We were friends, weren't we?

Same kind of people.

- No, not really.

- Come on, leave it out.

You find a turd, you sell it as Louis Quinze.

I do the same.

What's the diffe?

- Difference is, you don't do it to friends.

- Where do you think their money came from?

Conning the peasants, cheating them outta their land, a field here, a field there.

- There are certain things you don't do to friends, no matter what the deal is.

It's just like, certain things, you can't put a.

- Name one.

(Lily singing in background) (water splashing) - [Lily] Hello!

- Best deal you ever made and it didn't cost you a penny.

- Get out while you're ahead, and while you've still got one.

I ever see you again, I'll have you over, right?

- Right.

- Right.

- Don't want me to finish it, d?

(Lily continues to sing) - Bye, Lily!

- Bye!

(Lily singing) (water splashing) - Aw.

("Lovejoy" theme music)