-♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ -When you're out there, there's nothing impossible.

You see beyond the horizon.

♪ -Ema is continuing to be with us because there's some truth that we haven't dealt with.

-The land itself is called Vaiol.

but we named it Loimata because it was a land that was established with tears.

[ Wind rushing ] [ Birds calling ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I've always talked about me dying.

♪ Six months or nine months.

Six weeks.

And it's been a fight, and I've been bedridden, about ready to give up.

♪ And then my sisters saying, "Look, we've got to give this one more shot."

[ Indistinct conversations ] -So what do you think?

-I think I'm pretty remarkable.

[ Both laugh ] After all those unremarkables.

-Ahh.

♪ -First time since 2013 where we've come from hospital and had good news.

♪ The cancer has just been kicked in the... [ Laughs ] ♪ ♪ -I've been gifted life.

We've got to focus in on that and make sure that every moment counts.

♪ For my family, there is a lot that needs to be resolved.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ Islanders chanting ] ♪ This is a huge part of my healing.

[ Laughter ] So one, two... -One, two, three.

-Okay.

Hold.

-For Ema, this part of her life, the waka side, has become all her life.

She loves it.

-Make sure you cross over.

That locks it.

-What we do with waka is nature will bring out the best in people.

-Mum and Dad were just saying that watching you is like watching the... -Fathers.

-...fathers when they used to build waka.

And I said, "Even the latching and everything?"

And they said, "Yeah."

-You were born to do this thing.

-It's in all of us, eh?

-No.

-No.

I have to agree, no.

[ Laughter ] [ Coughs ] Ain't no leisure.

-Maybe a slasher.

[ Laughter ] -Or a flesher.

[ Laughter ] -With all families that are broken, if we're silent, then you allow foolishness to continue to perpetuate.

[ Indistinct chanting ] In Ema's life, there was a lot of internal anxieties, forced to a place of vulnerability and fragility.

But Atua took a kind wind and blew her into this place where she found herself in a waka.

She found her place here... her turangawaewae.

For us as Samoans, it's "tulaga vae."

Today we come back to this place to retrace her footsteps.

We're ready to see the world through her eyes.

♪ ♪ ♪ -I firmly believe that our family has the ability to change.

♪ ♪ Embarking on this road trip, this has been huge.

It's going back and reseeding.

♪ So, Dad arrived in Auckland on Thursday or Friday.

-Uh-huh.

-And then Sunday, they got on the train and they traveled all day and night and arrived here in the early morning on Monday morning.

-[ Speaking indistinctly ] Lavalava and two singlets and a shirt.

-I couldn't walk around here in the lavalava and two singlets.

-Well, look at how many layers we got on.

-I know.

-As well as our own insulation.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, it kind of freaks me out thinking that Dad came here with nothing -- no clue on the situations, nothing.

♪ -This is the place our family started, and this is the place I know.

♪ In 1960 when I come from Samoa to New Zealand, Mom and I, we marry.

♪ Because in marrying, Mom's...baby.

-Already pregnant.

-Already pregnant.

Paul.

-So you were lovers before you got married.

-Yeah.

-Was it over here on the farm when Paul was conceived?

-Oi.

In his heart.

-In his heart.

[ Laughter ] -...in my heart... -Yeah.

-[ Speaking native language ] [ Laughter ] [ Dog barking ] ♪ -We stayed here, eh, Dad?

-Yeah.

-And Rebekah was born here?

-And Leah.

-And Leah.

-And you, Paul...

Some shed some-- -Over here.

-And I was born over here.

-Yeah.

-And, of course, the first time, I don't understand how look after the children in the winter.

So, Paul was having the... -Asthma.

-...whooping cough.

-Oh.

-Whooping cough.

-Thinking about how Dad came down here with not a cent in his pocket.

You're away from everything that you know, your family structure that holds you.

And to be detached and cut off from family is like being an orphan.

-Whoa.

Is it open?

-Wow!

[ Door creaks ] -Wow.

-This is just as how I remember it as a kid.

Just the skyline.

-Dad on a horse.

-Dad on his horse.

Sheep.

-There wasn't a cowboy.

-Yeah.

-[ Laughs ] -Mom cooking in here It was warm in here.

But, honestly, I've visited in my memory this place many times.

♪ ♪ -Are we climbing over there?

-Don't know.

[ Laughter ] ♪ -Yeah.

-Got it?

-Too legs and then... -Yeah, I gotta get the left one.

-Just want your help.

-I'm just gonna... -Do you want to lean on me?

-No.

-Okay.

That's it.

Well done.

-Yep.

-And all those poplars were planted by Dad.

-Yeah.

-I'm kind of freaked out that my dad was a farmer.

Gone from jandals to gumboots.

Like, who does that?

And my mother, she comes from a long line of high chiefs in Samoa, and she comes here, and she's a housemaid.

I couldn't live in this place.

It smells like... Mnh.

Sorry.

No, not for me.

But for them, big kudos.

-Now, that over there.

You see that building behind me?

-Yeah.

-That's the long drop.

-Ohh.

-Mom went in the middle of the night.

-Yeah.

-And all of a sudden, she said, the air changed, and there was this wind that came through.

And her mind went straightaway to Samoa, and she knew that -- and she felt in her body that her nana had passed on.

And then she got a letter - I think it was about a month or so later -- saying that that was the day that Leata died.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -I was fortunate to grow up at the feet of my grandparents.

And in their discussions about Samoa, they'd just feed me.

Years later when I went to Samoa, that's what I was using to inform me about boundaries for land.

The land itself is called Vaiol, but we named it Loimata.

At the end of the road, is that...?

-Yeah.

-So Nana Leata is just over here?

-Mm-hmm.

-If someone dies and is buried there, they lay claim to the land.

-Yeah.

-It's like a monument, yeah.

-Yeah, claims.

-The old people was what kept me connected to Samoa.

-Ema has made it her whole point in life.

She'll be coming home and saying, you know, "This land here and this land here and this title and this..." You know, and it's all about leadership.

How do we lead our family going forward?

-So, when did you collect this data?

-When I was living there.

-Ninety-two.

-Ninety what?

-Ninety-two.

-Wow!

-We believe Ema is around this long and is continuing to be with us because there's some truth that we haven't dealt with.

♪ -When we were children, Dad would say he doesn't care how bad or how hard the truth is.

As long as he was given the truth, he could live with it.

And we're the same.

With unconditional love comes absolute truth as you know it in that moment.

Hm.

And that we can work with.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -I think it was '66 or beginning of '67 that Mom and Dad, they'd left the farm and came to Auckland.

♪ There was a network of Samoan families, whereas in Taihape they were pretty much on their own.

-Lord, under the canopy of Your grace, we stand here in the driveway of our home of yesteryears.

There's some difficult memories, some painful memories.

-Mm-hmm.

-[ Speaking native language ] ♪ ♪ [ Dog barking ] ♪ -We are consciously entering into the haunted space, and we're doing it together.

♪ -Oh my gosh!

Really?!

-I remember this!

-Is there another one?

Let me just feel this.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-We used to trace the stars.

-Ohh.

♪ -We've had some conversations, but never at this level.

-[ Speaking native language ] -"There's a lot of things we don't know.

There's a lot of things that you know but we don't know as parents."

-"Our prayers said we have big hearts to do what needs to be done... to help you do what is often seen as impossible.

God give you the strength."

♪ ♪ This was my parents' room.

It was always a safe haven.

This was the one room that was safe for me.

In this room... was a, um...

There was a single bed here and a single bed on that side.

And, um, it was in this room that a senior member of our family... um... molested me and... ♪ I feel really small in this space.

♪ I can't breathe properly in this space.

[ Breathing deeply ] The abuse changed to self-abuse... -Right.

-...and substance abuse.

-Right.

-Hm.

-What role did the family play?

-I was completely cut off from everyone.

♪ I excluded myself.

Such a grave injustice.

♪ As soon as the opening came, I left.

♪ -What Ema did, you had done earlier.

Rebekah had done it earlier.

I had done it earlier.

We opted to run away.

♪ Every relationship I ever attempted never succeeded because of what had happened to me as a child.

I chose drugs.

-Because of the secrecy of it and the pleasure of it and the guilt of it, there's a state of confusion.

As a little kid, you're trying to reconcile in your own mind and heart the authority figures you trust and, uh -- -And the love.

-And the love.

And those lines are blurred as to what is healthy and unhealthy.

-Yeah, and just not knowing what to do, feeling really powerless.

Our Dad was out there slogging his heart out.

But also seeing how hard Mum worked and how she was balancing all these roles and having all these people come through our home.

And, yeah, you're right.

We did run away.

It was our only voice.

[ Sniffles ] ♪ -I was 4, and I remember.

♪ -We're all living in the same family, and we're screaming silently and suffocating in our shame.

-I just want to thank you, Mom and Dad, for your guidance.

If it wasn't for the things that you taught me... You taught me about unconditional love, and I believed you.

-Right.

-This is why we can come together at this point in time.

And that's going to see us through.

♪ ♪ It's like unwinding a spring and letting all that stuff go.

Shame is what holds it.

And with shame comes the inability to forgive oneself.

And until you can love yourself and then forgive yourself and then release that shame, you're not free.

[ Bird calling ] [ Waves lapping ] -Today's real special because we finally get to sail on a waka that was built with your hands.

♪ -Feel that?

Knees slightly bent.

That's perfect.

You know, you look out into the distance, the furthest thing in the distance... ...right where we are now.

♪ Yeah.

There you go.

Okay.

See you later.

-Oh, hell to the no.

You better get your...back here.

-I'm right here.

♪ I feel a very real responsibility to the people around me.

♪ With waka, the answers are always there.

♪ ♪ ♪ [ Birds chirping ] -What's left to do?

-Lots more.

-Yeah.

-Always lots to do, though.

-Yeah.

Just today, I was telling Mum about where you wanted to... -Be buried.

-...be buried, yeah.

-Yeah.

-If Loimata is the first option, what's the second option?

-There's no second option.

-Okay.

-So what is it that you want us to do?

-I want you to heal.

-We're trying.

The nightmares are more frequent now than ever before.

-'Cause it's just been opened up again, eh?

Yeah.

-Did you have that, though?

Did you have, like, that physical pain inside, as well?

-Debilitating.

-I don't want you to go yet.

I'm not ready.

-Well, I'll just have to stay alive then.

-[ Chuckles ] -Is there anything that you want to accomplish before you put your head to rest and close your eyes and say farewell?

-Yeah.

Going back home.

It's always been the same.

Everybody's talking about turangawaewae, that sense of belonging and home.

-Tulaga vae.

-Tulaga vae.

And it's been my struggle for Dad for him to understand that.

I said to him that even if there is one child that comes back and finds his sense of belonging, then it's worth it.

-Hm.

-Yeah.

-I think it's time we go back.

-Yeah.

♪ -[ Muttering ] ♪ -I am really nervous about her visiting her past, especially in Loimata.

♪ -It's a special time to be doing this as a family.

♪ We're already close, and it's as if we're getting closer and closer and closer.

[ Indistinct conversations ] I'm getting ready for things to come.

♪ ♪ -It's been 74 years since Dad was here.

Finally it's happening.

♪ ♪ ♪ -Now.

Go now.

[ Indistinct conversations ] -We did it.

[ Laughs ] -Beautiful, eh?

-Actually we weren't even getting closer.

The island was coming to us.

Like, you know -- Like, "Come on!

Hurry up!"

♪ ♪ -Just breathe it in.

-Yeah.

-Welcome home.

-[ Giggles ] -[ Chuckles ] [ Rooster crowing ] -Apolima is where I was given the name "Lilo."

We call it our island.

[ Rooster crowing ] [ Indistinct conversation ] The house stood here, and this is where Dad and... his twin sister, were born... -Yeah.

-Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversation ] [ Indistinct conversations ] -[ Speaking native language ] [ Laughter ] ♪ -It's been a huge responsibility to be the one in the family that's keeping the connection alive... ♪ ...and waiting for people to come to this space now.

♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] ♪ -This is where I'm from.

It's some freaky-deaky... Do you know what I mean?

♪ It's almost like when you come into this womb.

♪ It's like coming home.

♪ -You kept saying to me one day I'll get it, and 44 years later... -Hm.

-We needed to be here.

Dad's blood is mixed in with the soil.

Where else can I say that that exists, you know?

I can say his sweat in New Zealand is mixed amongst the soil, but I can't say, "His blood is here."

-And now you're here.

Ain't that amazing?

-It's a...miracle if you ask me.

♪ ♪ [ Wind whistling ] ♪ -So, what are the tears?

What's going through your body, mind?

-I...I don't know how to explain it.

-Yeah.

-But it feels like a piece of the puzzle.

-Yeah.

It's about me coming home?

-Yeah.

-I want that for you.

-Yeah.

-Want that for all of us.

-Right.

♪ -Everybody is going through these massive changes.

♪ There was this connecting in Apolima and being rebirthed to be able to deal with what's going to happen next.

♪ ♪ When I was a teenager, when I went to boarding school in Samoa, Mom and Dad had seen that I was going off the rails.

There was one time Rebekah came to do practice teaching.

It was right here.

I know the footpath.

Yeah.

Right here.

We come out of this night club, and there's this guy outside, and he's trying to start up a scooter.

And I can hear this motor going -- [Coughing] And it's a scooter.

-Hm.

-I'm like, "Hm."

Because remember back then I used to play with the cars with Dad...

I was like, "No, no.

What it's missing is a spark plug."

I turn around to the guy, and I say to him, "Hey, look, I'm just gonna take it for a test drive, and I'll come back."

And he jumps on the front, and he says, "I'm driving."

I say, "Okay," and then so I jumped on the back.

And then we head down the road and we get to the clock.

He keeps going straight.

-Disappears.

-Yeah.

-And he turns off the main road onto a gravel road, and then he stops.

And I think, "I'm done for."

I don't know what happened between there and the banana trees, but I remember coming to, and I was being dragged underneath the banana trees, and I'd feel the weight of him on top of me.

♪ ♪ He stopped doing what he was doing, and we came into town.

And I look up, and I see Rebekah and Grant.

And I say to this guy, "That's my sister."

-We just saw her bolt, running.

-No one asked me any questions, and I wasn't talking.

and then I just went straight to the outside shower, and I just scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.

My skin was almost raw in parts.

-How old were you?

-Sixteen?

-Sixteen.

On, um... ♪ -You were 16?

-Yeah.

-I got married at 20.

-Yeah.

-Where were the adults that were around you?

What the hell did they do?

-They wouldn't have been able to move on anything if she wasn't... -It's not that easy.

-If you were there in the moment, she was not talking.

She was not talking for a couple of days.

-So angry...so angry... Sixteen!

-[ Sniffles ] -You couldn't have done anything.

She wouldn't give you... -But I had my assumptions about what went down.

-Yeah, I know.

-And we ran... -She feels like she's failed you.

-I did!

-No, you didn't.

-I did, Leah, I did!

When she came back, we could tell something was wrong.

She wasn't walking the same.

Sorry... -Let it go, sis.

-I'm sorry.

[ Sobbing ] -And that night... once again, I didn't do anything.

-You couldn't have done anything.

-You were just a kid.

-...fight with my family.

[ Speaking indistinctly ] -So much shame.

♪ ♪ ♪ -Rebekah holds everything really close because she's the oldest daughter.

She takes on the responsibility of all of our pain and the guilt of not being able to protect us.

♪ ♪ -We're changing.

We're setting all our agendas aside and honing into this one purpose of this miraculous healing journey that we're on.

♪ -I never knew my self-worth.

It's like that's the space you get squashed into.

I hated myself.

And the self-forgiveness was the hardest part.

-I'm kind of understanding it a little bit more.

Because you blame yourself for what happened.

-Yeah.

-And it's your fault.

-Yeah.

♪ ♪ [ Indistinct shouting ] -The healing journey is so worth it.

Just having the courage to go to those dark places, acknowledge the pain and move through it.

You know?

There's no rush.

Do it on your own time.

There's layers.

[ Laughs ] ♪ ♪ [ Laughter ] [ Indistinct conversations ] ♪ They have this saying in Samoa.

[ Laughter ] [ Speaking native language ] A person has more roots than a tree, so when you start digging, it goes all over the place.

And on my mom's side, she was born in Lalomanu.

-Father God, we have been so blessed as we have traversed Samoa.

And now that we're here at Lalomanu, we want to say thank you, Lord, for our Taufua family, for the way that they've invested in Ema's life, the way that they've cared for her.

We honor Taufua's memory, Lord.

He has been a mentor to many and a father figure to all of us.

♪ [ Singing in native language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ Song ends ] [ Cheers and applause ] -I left... a juvenile delinquent.

It's what they called me.

Into drugs and alcohol and living on the streets and stuff.

When I came here, I wasn't conscious that I was looking for anything in particular.

But what I found was a beautiful relationship with Taufua in Lalomanu, and he's gone now.

[ Rooster crows ] When I found Taufua, it was like, "Wow!"

Taufua and I used to wake up early in the morning.

This is what we used to do.

-Sunday morning, this is your tradition, huh?

-Yeah.

-I'll be the first one awake.

-And who would work with you?

Girls here?

-No, in the morning that time it was just the boys.

-It was the boys' space.

Wow.

-Yes, the boys' job.

-So you were like the older brother/sister.

[ Laughter ] You were like Taufua's right-hand man/woman.

[ Laughter ] -So...Taufua... how did he influence you in your own journey?

-I reckon he saved my life.

As a child, I thought the adults were pretty crazy.

And in Taufua I found someone who was solid and was everything that my mother and father had told me about.

The reality of a healthy relationship with an adult, the magic that brings, was transformational.

-Were there any other reasons why you felt close to him?

-I don't think I was close to him.

I clung to him.

It was like life depended on that relationship.

After dinner, he'd lean back on a pole and I'd lean back on a pole and then he'd light a cigarette.

And then he'd chuck me the packet and I'd light a cigarette.

Then we'd sit there like old men, smoking and drinking.

And then he'd explain everything about life.

And in New Zealand, you grow in these nuclear families.

There's just Dad that's going to work all the time, Mum, who's run off her feet.

You don't have the extended family.

And when I got here I was like, "Wow!"

-There's time to talk.

-There's time to sit.

You were seeking for attention, eh?

-Yeah.

I was wanting attention.

-[ Laughter ] -Attention.

♪ -For us, I think we've looked for solutions everywhere else.

But, yet, we're learning through Ema's story that healing is actually within the family.

♪ ♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] -Don't scratch.

♪ ♪ -When a child is sexually abused, the child always thinks that they're at fault.

The child carries that shame.

They don't understand that it's an adult taking advantage of them.

And it's something that stays with you.

♪ And then if you get caught up in the cycle of abuse, you can then become the perpetrator.

♪ I turned 21.

My girlfriend at the time gets a shock when I say, "Look.

I'm going to go to Samoa."

Drawing up painful...

The dream was to live off the grid up in Loimata, so that's what we did.

-I couldn't understand it.

I mean, I hadn't even come to Samoa, and I was, what, 15, 16?

What I did see was my sister was abandoning me.

They had this nice little niche of a life, but it didn't involve any of us.

-I had been with Becky just over two years.

At that time, I thought that that was it for me.

I was married for life.

I remember struggling.

I started to totally lose my cool, angry for seemingly no reason at all, you know?

She's written, "Remember when you used to love me?"

Now she wants me to leave her alone, to be by myself.

She's afraid.

In loving relationships, oftentimes things come to surface, and all this stuff has come.

The anger that came from that abuse was now being thrust onto someone that I loved dearly.

In these moments of rage, I hit Becky.

"How can I stop this cycle?

Abandoned and frightened of murder, death."

One instance I clearly remember was I completely lost in it and hit her.

And she just went, smack -- bang into the wall and back again.

Busted her eardrum.

And completely out of control.

Yeah, I couldn't stand who I had become.

I knew then that she was leaving.

I actually would have been a mess as soon as Becky left.

-I am kind of...off that she's gone through all these journals and has been feeling stink about the violence.

I get it.

I get that she's feeling stink about the violence, and I'm glad that she's feeling stink.

But, actually, she was a young, naive, unloved girl... -Who was recovering from abuse.

-Who was fully... -Who hadn't even sorted out her own -- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was not a nice time for her or any of us.

-Do you think she's over the sexual abuse?

-Um... Are you?

♪ -Are you?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -The place where we'll be going to, the land is called Loimata Suamalie, which means "sweet tears."

♪ Mum and her grandmother and her parents were evicted from the village because they chose to keep Sabbath, which is Saturday.

They lived out here in the bush.

-And our great-grandmother Leata is buried on this land.

♪ -This was only a track until Ema came and she carved out this road.

She had got a container in from New Zealand, and the only way they could get the container from here up there was to carve out a road.

When people from home found out, they were like, "Are you crazy?"

[ Laughter ] -Her strength.

-She makes some of the men around here look like cockroaches.

[ Laughter ] -Right?

-Man, no cars have been here for a long time.

No one ever wanted to live up in the bush.

[ Birds calling ] -You see?

This here, look at it.

It's the freakin' jungle!

[ Laughter ] This is where Tarzan's wife lived.

[ Bang ] -Aah!

-Oh, my goodness.

This section of land belongs to Mum's side of the family, the...side.

The land itself is called Vaiol, but we named it Loimata because it was a land that was established with tears.

And then we changed it to Loimata Suamalie.

"Sweet Tears."

-I didn't want to go up to Loimata at all.

But I had this dream, and I woke up crying.

It was kind of weird because this had to do with Loimata and Great-Grandma Leata.

She talked about how Ema and her shared the same love of land and all things.

But they also shared the same shame on the land that they were both on.

-Okay.

Come on, then, family.

Let's roll.

♪ -In my dream, Grandma Leata said she had lived a life where she was forced into doing things that she didn't want to do.

And she knew that all of us great-grandchildren had all shared the same shame.

Because of this dream, I knew we had to go find her to free the shame that was on her and free the shame inside of us.

♪ -When we brought the container up here, the bulldozer came up after I chopped down all the trees.

The container had everything that was on the list that Becky and I had made to be off the grid -- solar panels, D-cell batteries, the whole shebang.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] -How old is that?

-About 26 years.

-Oh, my... [ Thunder rumbles ] -Yeah.

They just chucked stuff out of the container.

-Nothing's locked for a Samoan.

♪ ♪ ♪ -So, about 20 meters up that way is Leata's...grave.

♪ -Do I -- -Yep.

♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] ♪ ♪ -Little rocks.

Paul, I just found a smooth river rock.

It doesn't belong here.

Grandpa made the grave top out of river rocks.

Just have a look underneath this...here.

♪ So there should be river rocks right along the edge there.

♪ -This is her.

-Ahh.

♪ -I'm gonna keep clearing.

Is that all right?

-Yeah.

♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] -Ahh.

♪ ♪ -It's just amazing that though she has laid here all this time, three generations down still pursue her.

She had to live so far away from everybody else in isolation, but she is never forgotten.

♪ ♪ -[ Speaking native language ] If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be here.

-I'm just taking a minute... -Yeah.

♪ ♪ [ Sobbing ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -He knows I'm not well.

-He knows.

-Ahh.

-Love you, Paul.

-Love you.

-Dad.

Dad.

♪ ♪ ♪ -Bye.

-Dad's just going to go and do all the things that I asked him to do a long time ago.

♪ It has begun.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -When you're out there, you're in the elements, tuned in to everything around you.

There's nothing impossible.

You see beyond the horizon.

You visualize the future and those things that you cannot see.

And you have them in mind, and you hold them in your heart.

♪ And you do everything that it takes to get there.

♪ ♪ ♪ [ Wind whistling ] [ Chanting in native language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ -♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪ ♪ Hu ♪