[music playing] Loneliness can be one of those things that sneaks up on people.

Oftentimes, we think about loneliness as the state of being alone, but it's not necessarily.

You can be lonely and be in a crowd of people.

So it's not just alienation from others, it's often self-alienation.

It's the experience of being lonely or being alone but also craving connection, but not being able to manifest that.

One in three adults over 60 are living by themselves.

In what I see as being a therapist, I meet with people often who don't have social connections, don't have connections with others and really are struggling emotionally.

So yeah, I do think it is an epidemic.

We're seeing a lot of older adults experiencing loneliness.

It's also interesting that the loneliest generation is actually Gen Z. It's young kids because of social media for the most part.

Expectations, shapes, experience.

So how you expect the world to be really does color how you engage with it, and that changes the world that is open to you.

So if you believe that you can be successful, that you can find connection with people who are similar-minded minded and people who will care about you and who you can care about, if you believe that, they're there.

[music playing] The experience of loneliness is often a projection of our own insecurities.

We have a tendency, as humans, when we're given a blank slate, given a neutral stimulus, we tend to project our insecurities onto that.

So oftentimes, loneliness is one of those things where you carry it inside of you.

And when you're given something that is neutral, that could be interpreted as an opportunity, or it could be interpreted as something devastating, all of that gets projected onto the experience, which is why that self-alienation is such a big piece of it.

And it doesn't matter often whether you're surrounded by people or alone in a room.

Somebody can be alone and be perfectly fine with it.

Others might be in a crowd and feel lonely.

Loneliness differs from depression.

It's not the same as a clinical depression.

And so it may be something that kind of goes under the wire.

It doesn't get diagnosed, doesn't get acknowledged.

Jeanne Coburn: Anybody can experience loneliness.

The most outgoing people in the world can be lonely.

I call them extroverted introverts.

They can put on a good face outwardly and connect with lots of people, but inwardly they may still feel very lonely.

Greg Burris: So loneliness is what you think of when you think of somebody feeling lonely.

They don't have the connection.

Somebody's not checking on them.

They don't really have anybody to call.

Isolation is more the physical aspect of it.

So are you in a room full of people, or are you sitting in a room by yourself?

They're related, but they are different.

So a lot of people can feel lonely in a crowded room.

They just don't feel that social connection.

They're with the people physically, but they just don't feel like they're connecting with people.

I think we're seeing a spike in loneliness, both loneliness and isolation.

It might be the loss of a spouse.

It might be relocation.

It might just be, I retired from a job where I had all my social connections at work, and now I don't have those social connections.

Throughout our development, we may have a self-narrative of I am an efficacious person.

I am unlikable.

I am popular.

I am quiet, I am-- we have all these I ams on all sorts of sides, and that gets activated in different situations.

So sometimes, if our stressors may outbalance our resources, and we become collapsed or imploded in some way, it may be more difficult for us to make social connection.

It can have a negative effects on your health.

A lot of that has to do with stress hormones like cortisol, for example.

I mean, we hear about cortisol.

That's another stress hormone.

But another stress hormone is oxytocin, and so that's the cuddle hormone.

So we have needs for human contact, and that's designed to draw us to each other.

Loneliness is something that needs to be listened to.

It's a warning sign, essentially.

And so if you don't listen to the warning sign, then, yes, I think it could have significant negative health impacts.

[music playing] I can't really describe it.

Losing your child is just worst thing that can happen to you.

It was an absolutely devastating time, and there are really no words for it.

You'd have people saying, well, it's been two years.

You should be over this.

You hear people try to say things that they think will help, and they don't.

And to me, If you ever find yourself talking to a person who's experiencing that, never tell them you understand unless you've been there.

Yeah.

I still can't talk about Paul without-- No, I can't either.

No.

MELANIE BLAIR: No matter how many people you're physically surrounded by, your internal dialogue that you're having with yourself about all the things that you're feeling or experiencing is just a really lonely place to be.

I mean, it just changes you.

We talk often.

It's this hard line in the sand of who you were prior to the death and who you are after the death.

And so much of that journey is about reinventing yourself.

What parts of me am I going to carry forward?

How do I carry this person alongside me that's no longer here physically with me?

A lot of times, it can really manifest itself in physical symptoms.

You may be hearing people talk about headaches, stomach aches, the inability to sleep, the inability to eat.

It really just turns your world upside down, and you really just genuinely only struggle with tasks that you take for granted.

Those simple tasks of waking up in the morning, taking a shower, brushing your teeth-- you're really incapable in the early days, weeks, months of really just doing those simple tasks.

You feel lonely.

So you feel like maybe people in your life aren't quite understanding of what you're going through.

So then in turn, you isolate.

So then you're really just not navigating your outside world.

Work is a struggle.

Social interactions are a struggle.

It's all-consuming, and so therefore you isolate.

You don't have the emotional capacity to be in a social setting, to expend that kind of level of energy that you might have been able to do before.

You may not have the tolerance for some of the things that you were able to handle prior to this death.

And so when you socially isolate, you're not getting around people.

You're not interacting.

Your mental health takes a toll.

For me, it'll be eight years in February since my son died.

And I think about him every day, but not quite the same way that I was in those early days where it's just that's all I wanted to talk about.

And your fear is a grieving person is they're going to forget them.

My person is going to be forgotten.

No one's going to say their name again.

And that's hard.

We really need to integrate that person into our lives.

One of the biggest things that we want to do here at Lost & Found is create a safe place where we can normalize that for people, where we are teaching people that what you're experiencing does not mean you're broken, does not mean that you won't be OK again.

But this is a normal, natural reaction to the love and the feelings that you had for someone who was so incredibly important in your life.

Human connection is critical to this, and so it's finding your proper support system, whether it's coming into a support group here, whether it's being at your church, whether it's your own circle of friends, whatever that looks like for you, just acknowledging and recognizing that you don't have to do this alone, that it's OK.

And I think that that's what we offer here at Lost & Found is just a safe place for people to know you don't have to do this alone.

You don't have to figure it out on your own.

There are other people in similar situations, and it's OK.

It's OK to feel the way that you feel.

It's OK to be sad.

So what we know about therapeutic support groups is that you're able to get into a space with other people that are going through a similar experience as you, where you can say things that maybe you can't say in other areas of your life where somebody in that room genuinely, truly understands it.

It really provides a safe atmosphere for somebody to feel heard, for someone to feel understood.

And that's where the healing takes place is when people are safe and can say things without judgment.

PAT WATSON: I lost my husband 20 years ago.

And before he passed away, he said, your job is going to learn to be alone without being lonely.

And so I've kind of made that a goal my whole-- for years now is to look for opportunities.

And I think it's just going out in your neighborhood and saying, hi, I'm your new neighbor, and just making those kinds of reaching out.

It's not always comfortable.

It's not, but it's-- it's really worthwhile.

JEANNE COBURN: It takes a lot of courage and self-esteem to build new relationships with people if you don't have those relationships already established, reaching out into an uncomfortable situation and introducing yourself or putting yourself into an uncomfortable situation and making yourself vulnerable.

That's very hard for a lot of people.

So already having a sense of depression or anxiety can just make that even harder to step into a place of connection with other people.

PAT WATSON: I think any time that someone engages outside of themselves with other people, with activities that they really enjoy, that's a real key, something they really enjoy doing, you're less-- are less introverted and less concerned about yourself.

If you're busy, you have less time to be lonely.

And I think there's a difference between lonely and being alone.

I lost my husband a little over a year ago, and my kids all live out of state, so I've had more alone time than usual.

But I'm thinking, because I've stayed engaged, I've been very active with friends and people and social groups and volunteering, I've been alone a lot more than usual, but I really can't say I've had more than fleeting moments of feeling lonely.

There's a big difference.

[music playing] I really enjoy still being engaged.

I'm retired from full-time work, and I really don't want to work full time anymore, but I do enjoy working with people, getting to meet new people, having new experiences.

So it's just very rewarding feeling like that we were contributing something of value and still being a productive member of the-- not the workforce, but the volunteer force.

I noticed that my friends were retiring, and maybe they didn't have a plan.

And when I asked them, what are you going to do?

They didn't really know.

They just knew they weren't going to work and go back to the same building they've gone to for 30 years.

Retirement is weird.

I've been through it a couple of times now.

And after three retirements and failed at them, you know, you think, wouldn't it be great when they turn off the email?

Well, they do.

And they take away your name badge or your key, and that whole world just kind of disappears for you.

And for a lot of us, there's-- that's a highly social environment, our work.

And when that's gone, loneliness and isolation can sit in pretty easily.

You have to establish new connections after that chapter of your life.

And so this is all about just kind of opening a new chapter.

And we're not really taught how to do that.

How do you open a new chapter after you finish with that work life?

And I will tell you, this can be your best years.

DEBBIE ROLLINSON: There's your w friends, and then they're gone.

I was searching for something to do, and a way to use some of my talents and give back to my community.

You know, you can't be lonely when you're volunteering, at all.

GREG BURRIS: If you're just thinking there's more-- there ought to be more to my retirement than what I'm experiencing if I have a little bit of time-- It doesn't take a lot of time.

It can be just a couple hours a week, but you could be making the difference in a child's life.

You know, if you're interested in Big Brothers, Big Sisters or being a math or reading buddy, that just takes a couple of hours, and it changes somebody's life forever.

There are-- also there are just so many different types of volunteer opportunities.

You can find something that fits you.

And the nonprofits are really good about being flexible.

And we see it over and over and over.

When people retire, they're kind of feeling lost.

We plug them into the community, and they blossom.

Hi, there.

[laughter] MARK HARLSAN: It helped me a lot personally because I ran the networking telecommunications department at Missouri State University, and I knew a lot of people and had a lot of responsibility.

And I retire.

And all of a sudden, I'm cleaning house and taking care of the cats.

[laughs] You make all those connections at work, and then you retire, and you lose most of those connections.

Well, my wife calls this my second job because here I am working again.

I get called in a lot.

And the connections are so important.

It's relationships are more important than things or money.

And I found out that I missed those connections with all the people at work, all the clients that we served, all my friends.

And so coming here, I've got a new set of friends.

I've got a new home.

And this is a home for me.

There's a lot of people that I love, and we hug.

And it's just really gives that connection and has really helped me with loneliness.

RENIE MCCLAY: Isolation is a thing, as we all know with seniors.

I'm social.

I need the social connections.

It's kind of a big deal when you can go someplace, that you like, that you meet people, that they're looking forward to seeing you.

So it helped a lot.

MARK HARLSAN: There was just such a big need here at Crosslines.

We actually couldn't run this program without our volunteers.

We do everything from greeting guests to processing paperwork to loading groceries, stocking groceries, and it just takes a lot of people to run this.

Personally, I get to be in contact with a lot of people that I love and care about.

You get to know our guests and what their struggles are.

You get to see them as real people with real needs that deserve love and attention, just like everybody else.

The volunteers have been the same.

You know, you get to know people.

You love them.

It's about relationships and about helping each other.

Well, I do it for myself.

It makes me feel good.

Ah, nice.

That's kind of a selfish reason.

I'm helping others, but it helps me when you retire.

MARK HARSLAN: You know, when you retire, at least in the United States, we kind of think we are our jobs, but we're not.

We're a lot more than that.

And giving back and helping other people, I think, is a wonderful thing to do, and it gives me purpose.

And it's really important to me.

That time that we spend staring at our phone or watching TV or doing something that's not connective, it's time we're sacrificing that could be built spending-- or spent building those meaningful connections.

We use social media in the same way that we use a drug, and it very much is a-- it's a dopamine rush.

And so we engage in social media looking for the dopamine rush.

So we are using it.

Now, if we are using it to the detriment of human connection, then that can be problematic.

If it's a replacement for human contact, then you are more likely to potentially suffer loneliness.

GREG BURRIS: People aren't looking for another full-time time job.

But sometimes, once they see the work of the nonprofit community, they become inspired by it.

And so we help them discover what's going on in their own backyard.

Truly inspiring work, whatever touches their heart.

Then we just help them make that connection, and then they can decide if they want to volunteer or not.

Everyone needs to feel needed, right?

So they find these places where they discover that, you know, their skills are truly needed.

And if we find those volunteer opportunities to not only touch their heart, but also match their skill set, it's like magic.

That's when the spark happens.

I had talked about Crosslines.

And we would talk about it together, and it would be, yeah, we should do that someday, you know, this kind of thing?

And finally I said to Ray.

I'm going.

I'm going over there.

He said, OK, I'll take you.

[chuckles] I'm sitting in the car, and it's like 10 minutes, 15 minutes.

Deliberately.

[laughs] Yeah.

I didn't know that.

And so finally, well, I'll let her go in and see what's going on.

And somebody-- Diana talked me into-- well, said, do you want a tour?

Yeah.

Well, I started going to the tour.

I thought, oh, this is kind of cool.

Even counting diapers, I thought that was kind of cool.

[laughs] And then I saw intake, which is where I'm working now, which is the computers, that is really cool.

And I said, OK, I'm in.

And that was how it started.

We all need community, and work provided that community.

And when a lot of that was lost, I came to Crosslines, and this is another community.

And I love these people, and they love me.

And this is home for me.

And so it really fills in those connections that are missing.

I honestly think our purpose on this Earth is really to help each other in love and community, and this gives me a place to do that.

I love the people I work with.

I love the guests that come in.

Many of them are my friends on both sides, and it just-- it's a wonderful place to have a purpose, to give back, to help each other, and to promote love and harmony in this world.

I have a great circle of friends that I've met, actively looking for ways to connect with people.

And I was from here.

I lived here in the past, but it had been about 20 years since I'd lived in southwest Missouri, so I really had to rebuild those connections.

GREG BURRIS: There's a book called "Wonder Drug" that is written by two doctors, and it outlines all the different health benefits of serving others.

So it helps them physically, mentally, spiritually.

I mean, it's truly like a wonder drug when you have purpose in your life and you're giving to others.

And it's just remarkable how it works.

It also provides a lot of people that thing that was missing when they left their job.

There's also a significant value in friendships that are built over time and where you have something in common, other than just that familial connection.

So it's very important for people to get out and find the things that interest them, that they can go and find others that they can have those conversations with and build those relationships.

If you believe that you can get yourself out of the cycle, then you're much more likely to be able to mobilize and get out of the cycle.

I mean, there are plenty of social groups around and things that we can do.

There's, you know, groups at the climbing gym, and people who go running, and mountain biking groups.

You can go online and find groups that you can connect to.

ALEX LIGHT: There's often the idea of having a third place, so it's not home or work.

It's something in the community that is free and welcoming, just for us to go and belong to or belong at.

And there's a real lack of having a third place.

The idea of this building is a third home for individuals to where you have your home, the people that are closest to you.

You have your work, your second place that most people spend most of their time.

And what we've seen is a decrease in engagement in clubs, and activities, and social-- kind of that social awareness with others.

We challenge individuals to step outside of their comfort zone, that we talk about social capital.

So you have to have other people in your network, other people, if you cast your net, that can help you in crisis, or that can help you grow when you're ready for that as well.

When that network is very small, we begin to see depression, chronic disease, many other things.

Or we can define it as loneliness-- begin to create that chronic problem.

The Drew Lewis Foundation specifically has three areas we focus on.

One is third place.

The Fairbanks itself creates a building, a place, a home that people feel welcome, feel seen, and feel comfortable coming to.

We have the RISE program, which is specifically for individuals living paycheck to paycheck.

So that's weekly classes that help build self empowerment, financial empowerment, and personal empowerment.

And then, we also have our housing initiative, the Blue House Project.

Every family we serve, our most important thing is reducing isolation, helping provide hope in them moving forward by having a room full of people that also are trying to move forward together.

The community dinners, it's very welcoming there.

Like, there's people from all over that come here, and it's kind of nice to be able to talk with the volunteers and the members that come.

You can see that, like, this community-based event has helped people build relationships with others.

And obviously, that is very important to avoiding isolation as well.

ALEX LIGHT: People can come in and feel welcomed.

They're able to sit and have a meal with their family, meet their neighbors, and connect with one another.

The Drew Lewis Foundation brings in community partners and resources to speak at dinners and to speak to our RISE members, talk about services that they provide in the community, resources.

AMY BLANSIT: We started looking at barriers.

Why are people living paycheck to paycheck, unable to show up to things that maybe are providing betterment for them?

It's free.

Why don't they show up?

Well, it's not free.

The time and the energy and the money that it takes to be gone for two hours when you have a family, it isn't free.

And so we looked at OK, what barriers can we reduce?

Let's make sure that food is there.

No one's having to worry about it.

Let's make sure that child care is provided.

So we started doing more potluck style.

It's culturally the thing you do.

When you're going to get together and create value together, you break bread.

You have dinner together.

It was actually from the very beginning something that we committed to and something we've been able to do every week since.

We all just need a little bit of hope.

We need to come together.

We need to create community, because that's what's been lost.

And so we just want to recreate community and a sense of hope, connectedness.

Know your neighbor.

Be neighborly.

CECILY CORNELIUS WHITE: I'm a therapist, and so therapy would be the obvious recommendation.

Sometimes that is scary, though.

And sometimes, there's a stigma against that.

I think the most important thing is understanding that what you're feeling is a warning sign, but it's an opportunity.

And so if you can interpret it as an opportunity, all of the anxiety that you feel, it's not you being crushed.

It's your body readying itself to make a move, to do something, to mobilize resources so that you can be successful.

The biggest piece of advice that I can give is don't be afraid of negative emotion.

So often, we think that we're supposed to be feeling positive emotions, and so we try to hide negative emotions, not just from other people, but from ourselves, too.

That's the biggest detriment.

You are entitled to all of your feelings, and that's what makes you human, and beautiful, and rich, and multi-textured.

And so the biggest gift that you can give to yourself is to embrace all of the emotions, the negative ones as well.

It's OK to feel not OK.

And if you're feeling loneliness, do not run from it.

Do not hide from it.

Give yourself permission to feel it, and then use it as an opportunity, as a launching pad to feel something else, too.

I think it's important to know that for other people who aren't lonely, to be able to recognize the signs of loneliness in others around them.

I mean, we talked a little bit about how extroverted people can appear fine, but they're really quite lonely.

And-- --that that person really is disconnected, it might be an opportunity for people to actually reach out and extend that hand.

Sometimes, people will say, well, call me if you need anything, and that doesn't quite go far enough sometimes.

You really have to make that first initial step to someone who is lonely to reach out and say, hey, I'd like to invite you to whatever they're going to be having or meeting up.

We are built and wired for relationship.

That is what humans are from birth.

You know, the first thing that we do when we have an infant is we're teaching them facial expressions and contact-- eye contact.

And we've got the facial expressions going, and we're communicating.

Communication is so important, and building those relationships in that stage is foundational for building relationships later on in life.

If we are more connected as humans, we're more likely to be generative as humans.

And we make moves as humans, and then we create better communities, and that fosters more innovative, creative humans.

And so it's part of social progress.

[music playing]