>> Hi, I'm Lewis Howes, New York Times best-selling author and entrepreneur, and welcome to "The School of Greatness," where we interview the most influential minds and leaders in the world to inspire you to live your best life today.

And in this episode, we sit down with Laverne Cox, four-time Emmy-nominated actress, award-winning producer, and prominent equal-rights advocate.

Today she shares powerful advice on how to heal trauma from your past, discover your identity, and own your truth.

I'm so glad you're here today, so let's dive in and let the class begin.

♪ ♪ >> My life definitely changed in 2007 when a woman named Candis Cayne became the first openly transgender actor to have a recurring role in a prime-time television show, a show called "Dirty Sexy Money."

And at that moment, I believed it was possible to be openly transgender and to be an actor.

Up until then, I was -- People knew that I was trans, but I wasn't really disclosing and I was trying to have a career as an actor without disclosing my transness.

When I started owning my transness and then being of service were the two things that really shifted everything in my life, and the shift felt like all of a sudden the alignment happened, right?

'Cause everybody, I think, in their lives, if you are lucky, you're going -- a shift is gonna happen and you're gonna feel an alignment with an energy that's bigger than you, and it's going to be tied to purpose, it's going to be tied to the reason you're here, and that is a beautiful thing.

And I think that is the thing -- I really believe that's waiting for everybody.

I really do.

And everybody's not meant to sort of be on television and produce shows or whatever.

We're all here for something different.

But I think we can align with that energy, and sometimes it takes a minute.

I mean, honestly, like "Orange Is the New Black" didn't happen till I was 40 years old.

>> That's crazy, yeah.

>> I was about to give up acting, actually, 'cause that was the year I got the eviction notice and I was in student-loan debt and credit-card debt, and I was like, "Okay, girl, you are 40."

>> "Maybe this acting thing isn't for you anymore."

>> "You're trans."

Yeah, I mean, at the time, there had never been a trans person with a major acting career in the United States.

So I'm like, "Okay, girl, you're delusional.

You gave it a good shot."

>> You gave 20 years of this, yeah.

>> "You tried, girl.

Let's get it together."

So I had bought GRE study materials.

I was looking into grad schools.

I was going to go to grad school and, like, I was thinking journalism, women's studies.

I don't even know what.

I hadn't figured it out yet, but I was trying to figure out grad school, and then the "Orange" audition happened, and, um...

I didn't go to grad school.

But the fun thing about that, though, is that literally four years after I booked "Orange Is the New Black," thought I was going to go to grad school but didn't, I got an honorary doctorate from The New School.

[ Laughs ] >> Ah, that's great.

>> So grad school was just, you know, acting stardom.

>> That's amazing.

It's amazing what you've accomplished.

And I'm curious.

Are there any basic statistics that you would want all people to just know from a baseline, that this is necessary for human beings to know about the transgender community?

>> Oh, gosh.

I don't know if -- When I think about what's necessary for people to know, I don't know if I'd go to statistics.

>> Okay.

>> I think I probably would go to the lived experiences of trans people.

>> Hmm.

>> If we can lean into people's lived experiences and people's humanity, I think that's what I want people to know about trans people because there's not just one way to be trans.

There's not just one trans experience.

Every person's experience, whether you're transgender or not, is probably different as well.

And that is all good.

>> Do you feel like you still have trauma you need to heal, and is this something that a lot of transgender friends of yours you feel like is hard for them to overcome, healing trauma?

>> I think it's hard for most of us to overcome healing trauma.

And literally my therapeutic process -- I have done therapy every week via video chat in quarantine, and I am so proud of that, and it works if you work it.

[ Laughs ] >> That's true.

>> And so the therapy that I do was somatic therapy, and it's based in the Community Resiliency Model, which is all about resetting your nervous system.

It's all about building trauma resilience.

And so there's healing from trauma, but then there's resilience to trauma, and the Community Resiliency Model -- Community Resiliency Model has six components or six tools, basically skills -- they call it skills.

Gesturing is one, using a gesture.

It's all about connected to your body and sensing things through your body somatically.

So gesturing, it's a physical thing.

There's a Help Now.

It's about sort of grounding yourself in a space.

It could be a smell.

It could be the touch of something.

It could be sort of pushing against the wall, something that can get you back in your resilience zone.

The idea is to stay in your resilience zone.

There's a resilience zone.

There's a low zone and a high zone, all based in the nervous system.

You want to stay in that sort of resilient place.

>> Hmm.

>> Resourcing is another tool.

Resourcing is usually -- So, I'm focusing on something that's mutual and pleasant in your life.

It could be -- For me, often it's Leontyne Price's voice.

She's an opera singer.

It's her voice singing or, you know, the last time I was in love and what that sensation felt like when I was being held or cuddled, resources that can live in your body, in your nervous system that you can draw on.

It's all there.

You know, we just have to allow ourselves to lean into those resources.

Shift and Stay is crucial.

Shift and Stay is a tool where you basically -- like, I might walk into a therapy session and I'm like, "Oh, I'm feeling really anxious today," and Jennifer, my therapist, will be like, "Well, where in your body do you feel that most?"

And usually my anxiety, like, sort of exists in the pit of my stomach.

And she'll invite me to ask, "Well, where in your body does it feel neutral or positive?"

And oftentimes, right now, it's like -- often it's my ankles.

>> I was gonna say my toe or something.

>> Yeah.

So she'll invite me to put my attention on my toe or my ankle, and sometimes I'm, like, you know, twirling my ankle around now, and I'll put my attention there, and then we'll talk a little bit more, and then she'll ask me, "How's the anxiety feeling now?

Is it less?

Is it the same?"

And almost every time, it's lessened.

It's still there, but there's something else that's true as well.

So we're in a space of -- Shift and Stay is about both hands.

It's about, like, not getting rid of the anxiety altogether but, like, allowing -- resilience is about what else is true.

Trauma resilience is about what else is true, and putting it in its proper place.

Healing from trauma is really about not being overly defined by the trauma but then not being in denial about it -- acknowledging that the trauma happened but that it's in its proper place in your timeline.

The nervous system does not know if a trauma happened 15 years ago, 20 years ago.

>> I know.

>> Once we are triggered, the nervous system feels like the trauma is happening right now.

And I've had a lot of unfortunate things happen to me, but I don't need to be defined by those things.

I'm not in denial of them, but they don't define me either.

>> Mm.

Yeah.

>> If that makes sense.

>> Where do you think you'd be today if you didn't start owning it and fully accepting and fully being vulnerable I guess 10, 11, 12 years ago?

Where do you think you'd be now if you didn't do that?

>> I don't know if I'd be alive.

>> Wow.

>> I honestly don't know if I'd even be here.

Or if I were here, I'd be...

I'd be deeply unhappy, lost.

It's a scary thought, honestly.

It scares me because it feels like -- I think I was in a place where I would've sabotaged.

If anything good came, I would've found a way to sabotage it.

And so -- I mean, it's kind of a miracle that I haven't -- that, like, that I haven't -- like, all the lovely, amazing things that have come in my life, I haven't sabotaged them because I think that I didn't -- I don't think I thought I deserved it.

I didn't think I -- I don't think I thought that I was worthy.

>> Really?

>> Oh, my God, yeah.

Oh, my God, yeah.

I did not think that I deserved nice things because the whole world told me I didn't deserve nice things.

>> Wow.

>> And nice things, love -- I mean, the love piece too is so deep when you feel like you are -- I mean, shame.

Brené Brown defined shame as the intensely painful belief that one has about themselves that they are unworthy of connection and belonging.

She says guilt is "I'm sorry I made a mistake," and shame is "I'm sorry I am a mistake."

>> Oh!

>> It's this deep sense, this deep feeling of unworthiness on a deep core level.

And yeah, I was there, and I -- And, Lewis, I'm not there today.

I do feel worthy of love.

I do feel worthy of belonging, you know?

And that is a beautiful -- It's a beautiful thing.

But I do feel worthy, and so then, what are the challenges?

And I've been thinking a lot about that.

And a lot of it is just about health and, like, the life that I want for myself going forward.

You know, when you've achieved goals and you've achieved things that you want to achieve, it's like, "What's next?"

You know?

And it's not about -- I certainly want to make more money and I certainly want to -- There's material things.

It's not even material.

It's things -- Like, I want to own more property and I want things like that.

But it's like, "How do I want this next part of my life to -- How do I want to be in the world and what do I want to contribute and how do I want to step up more and be more present?"

And a lot of it has to do with having my health be really, fully, and securely in place that I can step into this beautiful life.

We're developing new projects, and I have -- There's wonderful things on the horizon, but I have to be able to fully show up for them.

And I think the lesson, though, for everybody -- everybody out there -- is that there are beautiful things on the horizon for everybody, but you have to be able to show up for it.

It's waiting there.

I really believe that everybody is here for a reason and that it is waiting for us, but we have to be able to align with that energy.

You have to be able to align with the energy and a reason.

And I think too my life shifted when I started owning my transness, but it also was when I started understanding there was something bigger than me.

A year after Candis Cayne was on "Dirty Sexy Money," I made these postcards that said "Laverne Cox is the answer to all your transgender acting needs," and I sent it to -- >> Wow!

>> I sent the postcard to 500 agents and casting directors.

>> A true marketer, I love it.

>> Right?

I never would've done that before Candis Cayne.

But then that led to me doing this reality show called "I Want to Work for Diddy" in 2008.

Well, the day before my final interview for "I Want to Work for Diddy," I was walking in my neighborhood in Midtown Manhattan, and I was harassed by a group of black guys on the street, which is part of my daily life, right?

I got harassed pretty much every day.

But this particular day, one of the guys kicked me.

>> Why do you think men cause a lot of the pain on transgender women?

And on human beings in general?

Why do you think that is?

>> I mean, it's bigger than the trans community.

I think hurt people hurt people.

But I also think there's...

I mean, I think there's the sort of neurobiological sort of take on things.

You know, the fight, flight, or freeze piece.

But I think what are -- what are men taught and what do they internalize around masculinity, around what it means to be a "real man," around power and exerting power in the world and over other people?

But I think at the core of it is the piece of vulnerability, internalized homophobia, and internalized transphobia because I think so much of what is underneath so much patriarchy is an underlined misogyny that "I don't want to be seen as soft or like a woman," or "I don't want to seem gay."

>> My sisters would always call me the sensitive jock because I would go out and destroy people on the football field but then I would go, you know, play guitar and sing a lullaby or something, right?

I had this emotional side to me.

And I remember just being like a very affectionate human being.

Like, I would want to put my arm around my teammates and just give them a hug.

And I remember vividly so many teammates shoving me away with, like, this anger in their eyes and their face being like, "Don't be gay.

Don't be a little girl.

Don't be" X, Y, and Z.

>> Where do you think that came from for them?

When did that become a thing that, like, "My teammate --" >> I think you're talking about it in the sense that we all need to take responsibility from -- whether it's their fathers, their mothers saying, you know, "Little boys don't cry."

Whatever it is, the words they heard from their parents or that they saw from their family members or the media, everything.

>> Or on television, the media.

>> The media, yeah.

These social norms, like you said.

100 years ago when someone was being beaten a certain way and then they did that in their relationship and then their kids saw it.

I think it's just these social norms we see over time, which is why it's, in my opinion, powerful that so many people are awakening during this time to what has happened.

>> But it's also very uncomfortable to come into this space of "Oh, my, I didn't know.

I didn't know this.

I didn't realize what I was doing was hurting someone.

I didn't realize what I was doing was hurting myself."

>> Yeah.

>> And the pain of that and sitting with the discomfort of that without numbing it.

Without numbing it, right, without going to our phone, without drinking or doing a drug or beating somebody up.

Like, to really sit with discomfort, and I think now -- I feel like the world is changing and it's becoming more spiritualist, becoming more -- that we need to be able to sit with the discomfort of everything that we've done to ourselves and each other if we want to be able to change it.

>> Man, that's hard.

>> It's a tragic flaw if you can't be in the truth of who you are.

>> Right.

>> And it's a constant tension unless you accept yourself.

>> Did you feel like you were truly accepting yourself and who you fully were -- Were you being that in your 20s and 30s while in kind of New York City, you know, working?

>> I was trying.

I was trying.

>> Ah.

>> I think because, as an artist, I've always been on this journey as an artist.

I think a lot of this is about being an artist, my sort of personal growth stuff.

I think I was trying.

I was doing my best, but I think I had so much trauma, and so I built up so many defenses, so many sort of -- so much armor to shield myself from vulnerability, and so it was -- I was doing the best I could, but I needed to -- I needed the right therapist, I needed the right recovery program, I needed the right tools to lean into because when I -- I think surviving my childhood, a childhood where I was severely bullied, deeply traumatized, didn't feel loved or wanted or like I fit in anywhere, and I just -- and I got through it, but I got through it with all of these defenses in place.

The only way to survive it was I had to, like, build up this elaborate defense.

And so what I know about my 20s and 30s is that I was doing the best I could to survive.

>> I'm just curious.

Your advice to your younger self who maybe was confused or struggling, feeling unsure of yourself, to people who are afraid to come out as gay, bisexual, people who are afraid to step into being trans, you know, fully, publicly, all these different things that people have shame around.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> What advice would you give to those individuals today?

>> Oh.

The truth will set you free.

The truth will set you free, and I think that, like, it can feel isolating and alone, and I think we can go online.

It's not the same as having that friend in real life, but online, there are support groups, that you're not alone, and I think one can feel alone.

There are support groups online.

There's a local LGBTQ center in most cities, most major cities in the United States anyway that you can go and find a community.

You can go and find somebody who is like you or who can support you and accept you.

Even if you can't find somebody who's like you, 'cause everybody is different, you can find somebody who will see you and love you.

And until you do that, you can start knowing for sure.

There's a light inside you.

You know, wherever I go, I try to remind trans people that we are anointed, that in indigenous cultures all over the world, there were sacred traditions of third genders, fourth genders, where we were revered members of the culture.

In India, we were called hijra.

Native American cultures here in the United States -- Two-Spirits.

Philippines, all over the worlds.

Indigenous cultures all over the world, trans people, what we would understand as trans people held a sacred place, and we just must step into that.

We just must step into that and know this inside.

>> Wow.

>> I think through all the years of confusion and messiness that I had, there was something in me that was like -- I knew I was here for something bigger than all of that, and there is a light in there that we all have, and the work is to turn up the light.

>> Ooh.

>> The work is to not let it be dimmed by anything but actually to turn up the brightness on the light and shine, shine, shine.

That is the thing.

And as you shine that light, some people will be blinded by it.

Some people cannot take the light.

They can't, and that's fine.

But you'll attract the people who can.

And I think it's a deep thing too, and I have to remind myself of that, as I am single and dating, and just -- you know, I'm Laverne Cox, and it's, like, very challenging dating.

And I -- But I know -- I'm sitting here, knowing how fabulous I am.

[ Laughs ] You know?

I know how fabulous I am.

I know all the things I have to offer.

I can say that with such certainty now.

And so what I know is that everybody can't take the light.

And, honey, if you can't take this light, then you're not right.

>> [ Laughs ] >> You're not right.

>> I like that.

>> And so that doesn't mean I'm gonna change the light.

I'm not gonna dim my light.

I'm not going to try to put on a mask to be somebody else.

We're gonna attract the right energy, energetically.

>> And I think people need to now -- sorry to cut you off there -- but to add to that, I think people need to know that sometimes when you step into your light and you turn it on, you turn on who you are, you're going to -- some people are going to flock to you and you're going to burn a lot of people who are going to want to get away from you, right?

Some people can't take that light.

>> Because they're not in their light.

And that's what makes me so sad.

I've been meeting men, and I've just -- and it's -- I think what's made me really sad about what's going on with a lot of -- guys I date or whatever -- is that they're not in their light.

They're not in their brilliance, and so then it's like -- they can't -- this is -- they can't receive it, and it's -- that's sad for them.

Not sad for me.

Oh, hallelujah!

>> Exactly.

[ Both laugh ] And I think people need to be aware that when you step into that light and who you are, it might be -- it will be freeing, but then you might lose a lot of people around you.

>> Yeah.

>> Because the people you were performing for and wearing a mask for and having an armor for liked you for that.

They don't like you for who you truly are.

>> Yeah.

>> And you're going to lose friends, potentially family members at certain times.

Hopefully they come back around.

But you've got to be prepared, and that's what I think is scary for a lot of people, the social pressure of losing friendships, family members, and that pain.

That pain is necessary to become a butterfly.

You're about to die before you can fly.

>> The quest for true belonging is being willing to go it alone, and Brené Brown, "Braving the Wilderness," honey, she starts off "Braving the Wilderness" with a Maya Angelou quote, "I belong everywhere and no" -- "I belong everywhere and no place, no place at all."

Something like that, basically, but the Maya Angelou quote is basically about belonging everywhere and no place, but I belong to myself.

>> Ooh, snap!

>> I belong to myself, yeah.

>> That's amazing.

>> And when you can truly belong to yourself, you can stand alone.

It's okay to be in the truth and the courage of your convictions because you belong to yourself.

>> Yeah.

>> And we all need belonging as human beings, but that's scary.

Everybody's not dedicated enough for that, yeah.

>> Because if we don't truly believe in ourselves, we need the approval of other people to believe in us, and when we fully believe in ourselves and accept who we are and lean into that, we may lose the approval of everyone around us, and we need to be ready to stand alone like that until you can attract the right people, which might take time.

>> Yeah.

>> Man, this is a sermon right here, Laverne.

I love this.

>> Isn't that beautiful, though?

I mean, the last thing I'll say is that isn't it beautiful, though, to let go of the things that don't serve us.

I think it's beautiful when those people drop out of our lives.

It's really beautiful.

It's like -- 'cause that -- it's dead weight.

It's keeping me from flying.

>> Purging.

>> Yeah.

>> Purge what you don't need.

>> I mean, I think that a huge thing, I think, that's going on in our culture in general is that we, so many of us, are traumatized.

I think we're collectively traumatized from, like, this reckoning we're having around racial oppression, the collective trauma of a global pandemic, right?

That, like, there's trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma.

And my therapist defines trauma as too much too fast too soon, and so the nervous system doesn't know what to do with that, and so so many of, our resilient zones are narrow, and so many of us are in just fight, flight, or freeze, and from that place, we're not in our resilience, we're not in, like, our prefrontal cortex.

We can't make the best decisions in fight, flight, or freeze.

And so we're attacking.

So we're like, we want to blame, and somebody else is to blame, and we can't be accountable, we can't -- so it's like how do we get our nervous systems out of that trauma, survival, stress place and to a place where we can, like, feel our feet on the ground, and so we can, like, hear the person in front of us with some love?

>> I want to acknowledge you before I ask you the final questions for your incredible courage, Laverne, your courage to share your voice, to step into who you are in face of adversity, in face of criticism, in face of bullying, shaming, all the different things that you've had to experience as a kid and in the entertainment world that you're in, and being able to do it gracefully over the last decade, I would say.

I'm sure, you know, you're not perfect and you make mistakes, but in the way you continue to show up and come from a place of wanting to understand people, as well, and I'm just really grateful that you're alive.

I'm grateful that you're here as a human being in this world and that you can share all this wisdom with us.

I'm just grateful for everything that you stand for.

This question I ask everyone at the end is called the three truths question.

So, imagine you're as old as you want to be, but it's your last day on this physical earth.

And you've accomplished every dream you could imagine, whether it be your career or with social justice, family, relationships, all of it, it comes true.

>> Mm.

>> But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your life's work with you to the next place, and so no one has access to your words, your videos, your content, anything.

But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true about your life experiences and the lessons you would want to leave to the world.

What would you say are those three lessons you'd want to leave all of us, or what I call your three truths?

>> You are here for a reason.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And your work is to align with the energy of the universe and with that reason.

And it is tied to being of service and it is tied to love and passion.

Worthiness is a birthright.

You can move through life's challenges with grace if you don't put your worthiness on the line.

It all feels like it's about connecting to energy that's bigger than me, that right now in this moment, it feels like it's about the connection to something bigger.

It's interesting thinking about being all alone and living in a condo all by yourself and feeling connected to energy that is bigger than me, and that there's a life force that is so much bigger than you that can take -- that can pull you through if you just connect with it.

It's right there.

That energy force actually moves into the other life, right?

It moves into every sphere of the universe.

It really does.

So that is what my invitation -- it would be for everyone to connect with the energy that is right there, that is tied to every other life force.

>> Mm, I love that, love that.

Okay, final question for you.

>> Okay.

>> It's what's your definition of greatness?

>> Fulfilling your higher powers or the universe's plan for you.

Aligning what you do in the world with an energy that is greater than you and that is aligned with purpose.

That is greatness.

Laverne, you're our gift.

Thank you for shining your brightness and your light, very bright.

I appreciate you very much, my friend, thank you.

We hope you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable for your life.

Make sure to stay tuned for more from "The School of Greatness" coming soon on public television.

Again, I'm Lewis Howes, and if no one has told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

If you'd like to continue on the journey of greatness with me, please check out my website, lewishowes.com, where you'll find over 1,000 episodes of "The School of Greatness" show, as well as tools and resources to support you in living your best life.

>> The online course "Find Your Greatness" is available for $19.

Drawn from the lessons Lewis Howes shares in "The School of Greatness," this interactive course will guide you through a step-by-step process to discover your strengths, connect to your passion and purpose, and help create your own blueprint for greatness.

To order, go to lewishowes.com/tv.

♪ ♪