(bright flute music) - Where do you want this stuff,?

- Eric, how many times have I t, that we professionals do not rer to valuable stock as stuff?

(birds chirping) (phone ringing) Lovejoy Antiques, yes, Freddie.

Freddie, ah, Freddie!

How are y?

Yeah, how's business?

Well, I'm very, very pleased to.

Hm, oh, no, everything's fine here, just fine, yeah.

Yeah, sorry?

Hold?

Oh, certainly I'll hold.

Freddie, Freddie the Phone, my entrepreneurial landlord, now living in the sunnier climes of Espanol, teaching the locals to be upwardly mobile, through the use of the portable telephone.

From my somewhat limited experi, I've found getting a phone to fn normally out there is quite a n. (phone buzzing) Ooh, yes, yes!

Still holding, Freddie.

What's that?

A favor.

Yeah, yeah, fire away, old frie.

- Ha-ha, the great British flintlock, Eric.

Those were the days.

- My God, Tinker, you look as daft as that bloke from It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

- A great British Tommy, back to back, the thin red line, defending king and country against the onslaught of the yellow peril, halt!

Who goes there?

(oriental music) - Mr. Lovejoy, I presume.

- This important business friend of yours, Arnold Featherstone, , distinguished-looking?

Mid-50s, drives a gray BMW?

Mm, even as we speak, Freddie, e and an Oriental gentleman are being escorted in by one of my security men.

Freddie, I said I'd look after e for you, didn't I?

Yeah, well, keep in touch.

Love to Mavis and the dog.

- Lovejoy, this is-- - Arnold Featherstone, very pleased to meet you.

- I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. .

- At ease, Tink.

- May I introduce you to Mr. Ka?

He's a business colleague of Freddie and mine.

- Mr. Kashimoto.

(ball clanking) - Democracy at work, gentlemen.

(ball clanking) - Featherstone won't be happy.

- Rules is rules, Peter.

Rules is rules.

- [Catchpole] Will that be all, Lovejoy, sir?

- Thank you, Catchpole.

- Did Freddie explain the situation, Lovejoy?

- What, that you have a rare sip and you want an independent val?

- Correct, yes, the Pulsatilla, that's the name of the cup.

Apparently, it's a very rare pi.

- Wild, it's a very rare flower.

- And I understand the maker was a Russian, a Maksim Bemochev.

- Bemochev?

- You're familiar with his work?

- Maksim Bemochev was a workmasr for Fabergé in Moscow in the ea.

This Pulsatilla cup, is not a listed Fabergé item, is it?

- No, not to my knowledge, Love, but I'm not the expert.

- Where can I get such china, p?

Most amusing.

(Lovejoy laughing) - A gift, Mr. Kashimoto.

Yours to empty, yours to hold.

- Most kind, Mr. Lovejoy.

May I prevail upon your generosity, one more time?

(car engine roaring) - It's just what you need, Denn.

It would look great here, don't?

1760s, short land pattern muske, commonly known as the Brown Bess, it's in great nick.

- OK, sounds good, fetch it ove.

- Yeah.

- What about a samurai sword?

- That's not very original thin.

- A Samurai sword?

Over an English fireplace, in an English country pub?

Tinker, wash your mouth out with soap and water.

- No, no, Jane, Kashimoto, in an of being made a member of the Westmorland Golf Club, has commissioned yours truly to purchase an item of antiquity as a gift, for the club.

- Well, I hate to be the one to put a spanner in the works, but your client has more chancef becoming our next prime ministe.

- Well I have heard the institun is a little Anglo-Saxon.

- Anglo-Saxon, they're a bunch s and bigots, they're frightful p. - And how do you know?

Oh-oh, daddy a member, was he?

- Worse, you know, Alex's father took our life membership for the entire family.

Officially, I'm still a member .

What a ghastly thought.

- [Tinker] So, what's to do?

- Apparently, Kashimoto is very Cashimoto, money no problem.

So thinking caps on, please.

- What would be today's equivalent, of a samurai warrio?

- Uh, a four-wheel-drive Shogun.

Fuel injected, they are.

- No, no, what I mean, the modern Japanese warrior, tends to attack the fairways and green with, with a putter and a seven-iron.

- I've got a couple of mates who specialize in antiquities, sporting.

In fact, they're a couple of sporting antiquities themsel.

When I next see you, you'll be .

- Come on, Janey, take me to this club of bigots.

Eric, the musket, have it cleaned and ready for inspection for when I return, all right?

- You haven't sold it already?

(Eric gasping) Cor blimey, there's one born ev.

(Eric laughing) He's got this knackered old mus?

And he only got it yesterday, he's sold it already.

Ha, I mean he could sell binocus to a blind man, that bloke.

(Eric laughing) Cheers, Den.

(cups clanking) - [Jane] Lovejoy.

- [Lovejoy] Hm?

- [Jane] Why are we going to the golf club?

- To see Arnold Featherstone, he to give a valuation on the club's prize trophy.

Sounds to me like they're flogging off the family silver.

- Why on earth would they want ?

- Well, how would I know, Jane?

(wind blowing) (birds chirping) (guns blasting) - Hang on in there, lads, the reinforcements will be on t. Catchpole to the rescue.

(mouth gun noises) Thin red line fighting the rebe.

(mouth gun noises) Reload.

(mouth gun noises) I got one.

(Catchpole laughing) Great!

(gun blasting) Oh, oh, my Lord.

(bright flute music) (water dripping) (man swinging) - Oi!

Stop!

You're not allowed in this way.

Tradesmen's entrance is around the right hand side of the building.

- Lovejoy!

Good to see you.

good Lord, lady Felsham?

- Yes, nice to see you again, Arnold, how are you?

- I'm fine, really nice to see .

Come on in, it's all right, Pet, these people are my guests.

(birds chirping) - He's a bundle of laughs.

Ooh.

- Lady Felsham, I'm terribly sorry, but, would you mind?

- Hm, I'll be out on the patio,.

- Sorry about that, rules, women aren't allowed inside.

Oh by the way, don't mention Ka.

He's been blackballed, poor cha.

The Major, I suspect.

I don't think he's ever forgivem for sneaking in through the bacr on bicycles when they took Sing.

- Ha!

(water dripping) - Ah, hello, is Ron the plumber there, please?

Yeah, Ron.

Ah, Ron, help!

(bright oriental music) We have a lot of competitions here, Lovejoy, but the competition for this cup, is highlight of the year.

- And no one's allowed to keep p for the whole year, I take it?

- In name only.

The winner, provided he has a first-rate security system installed in his house, is allowed to keep the cup for just one week.

It's then returned here and kept under lock and key.

- And no woman has ever won this cup, I take it, Major?

- Good Lord, no.

(Major laughin) No, our lady members do not compete for the Pulsatilla.

(bright oriental music) - [Arnold] Magnificent?

- That's the word, Arnold.

(car breaking) (car door opening) (car door closing) (water dripping) - Anyone at home?

- Up here, Ron!

(water dripping) (Ron laughing) - Having fun, then, Eric?

- But, but, but this is prepost!

- Are you sure, Lovejoy?

- I'm afraid so, gentlemen.

What you've got here is a silver-plated copy.

Well look for yourself, Major.

- But, look, I, good god, man, I'm no expert in such matters.

- Well, I am and if Maksim Bemochev had made this, there would by Cyrillic lettering here, next to which would be stamped the head, in profile, of a young Russian girl wearing a Russian headdress called a kokoshnik, which would tell you that this e between the years 1908 and 1917.

Next to that, would be two numerals telling you the silver content.

Which in this case, should have been, zlotniki.

Close to pure.

- This is devastating, the land deal, what are we to do?

- We were hoping to sell the cup to raise some funds for a very necessary land purch.

Well, we're finished.

God, who'd do such a thing?

How are we gonna raise the fina?

- Well it's none of my business, I think you made a mistake in blackballing Kashimoto and company.

- Got a point, Major, not too late to reconsider.

- Have you gone mad, Feathersto?

Under no circumstances.

Whole foundation of this club c, isn't there something else we c?

(Lovejoy gasping) - Um, may I ask a question?

Who, was the last person, to wip and have a first-rate security system in their home?

- Well, Freddie, actually.

(dramatic music) - Good shootin', Eric.

You've shot the water tank right between the stopcock and ball valve.

- But can you fix it?

I mean, can you fix it before Lovejoy gets back?

- Means a new tank, it's a long.

Start clearin' the rubbish away, I'll get the tools out.

- Ah, thanks, Ron.

(boxes clattering) Oh, no!

(boxes clattering) What?

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell, it's beautiful.

(Ron stepping) - I've shut the water off.

I'm very surprised at you, Eric.

I mean, even I know the first thing you should do with an old gun, is check it ain't still primed.

It's criminal, the amount that .

(both stepping) - At auction, Arnold, the real thing would have attracted considerable attentio.

I mean, we're talking about 40 .

- What?

- Mm.

- Oh, God, we have no option, we to call in the police.

It's hard luck on Freddie, but under the circumstances what else can we do?

- You know, it's hardly logical to blame Freddie, is it?

He's not going to ask me to put a valuation on that cup,t to be a fake, is he?

- Well, no, no, of course not, I take your point.

But, what else can I do?

- Can you avoid calling the lawn for a couple of days or at least until I've had a chance to talk to Freddie?

- Mm, God, what a mess though!

- Ah, Arnold.

- Oh, Peter, Peter Davis, Lovej.

I see you've already met Lady F. Peter's our current captain.

- Oh, Mr. Lovejoy.

- Just Lovejoy.

- Yes, well, I apologize for what happened earlier, but, you see, as club captain, I'm duty-bound to enforce club rules.

And, well, I mean, I really mus.

- Will you excuse us for a minu?

Peter, could I have a word, ple?

- Now, come on, Lovejoy, let's just get out of here.

- Under any other circumstances, I'd be out of here like a shot.

(cars beeping) (car engine roaring) - Keep the change.

- [Cab Driver] Thanks, guv.

(car engine roaring) (door closing) (Tinker ringing bell) - Shop!

(Tanya stepping) - Oh, Tinker, my little angel!

(Tinker laughing) - Tanya, my pudding!

You are as delectable as ever.

- Oh, how lovely to see you aga.

What brings you here and pressed to my bosom?

- A buying mission of considerable importance.

Needless to say, my client is a man of means and breeding.

Where is he?

(stairs squeaking) - Mm, ah, Tinker, my dear, oh f. - Morris!

(bright music) - Apparently, I fall a little short in the required-attire, department for this establishme.

We compromised, I get to sit outside in the sunshine, whilst Arnold takes Jane on the grand tour.

Actually, I, ah, did get a quick shufti around the place, whilst Arnold and the, ah, clubn were in heated debate about the.

In the dining room, on the wall, in pride of place, they have what they think is a .

Well after what's happened, I didn't have the heart to tell them it was another schneid painted by, someone who, as we speak, is helping Interpol with their inquiries.

Hm, outside the committee room, being kicked, bashed about and abused in general, is a hall stand by Christopher , which is worth about £4,000.

Go figure it out.

- Are we ready, Lovejoy?

Thank you, Arnold.

- Thanks for your time, Lovejoy.

Listen, send your invoice in foy and I'll make sure it's dealt with promptly.

- Oh, I will.

- Lady Felsham.

(wind blowing) - I think Mr. Kashimoto is a very lucky man.

(liquor dripping) (Tinker humming) - Whoa, that's better.

Now, then, my dear Tinker, to b.

- Indeed, to business, Morris.

- An item just perfect for your client's needs, I'd say.

A hickory-shafted putter, bearing the monogram of the famous man himself, the very putter he used to putt out the final hole of the final green, the very fi, he won the British Open Champiop back in, 19, oh, boy, 14, whate.

(Tinker laughing) - And ah, Morris, which famous man was that?

- Why, Henry, of course, the great Henry Cotton.

- Who else?

I am interested.

- Yes, well, slight problem there, old boy.

- Don't, know, as I said to you before, Morris, my client is a man of considera.

- The problem is, Tinker, we, sold said item three monthso to a collector in Hampstead.

- Oh, dear.

- Ah, but the man in question is a businessman first and a collector second.

I, ah, I could always give him .

(all three laughing) - So, what do I say to Freddie?

Sorry, Freddie, my associate, E, shot your water tank full of ho.

"Oh, that's all right, Lovejoy, happens all the time."

- Well, while you're about it, you might ask him about this.

- Oh, no.

- And if he doesn't know about , I'm claiming finder's rights.

- Oh, Freddie!

- I've got rights, Lovejoy, I f. - [Lovejoy] Oh, don't be a berk.

- I found it, it might we worth a lot of money.

- If it's what I think it is, it is worth a lot of money.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it's also got stolen and go directly to jail, written all over it.

- Stolen.

(water dripping) It's beautiful, isn't it?

I found it in an old trunk in the loft upstairs.

- I wish you hadn't, Eric.

- Right, that's me done for tod.

- Thanks, Ron.

- This is grandad's cup.

- [Eric] Hey?

- [Ron] Not the real McCoy, of course, but nice, eh?

- Grandad's cup?

Not the real M?

- 'Course not, golf club's got the real one.

My old grandad presented it to the club back in 1925.

(birds chirping) Stand on me, it's a copy.

- Well, how do you know it's a ?

- It is a copy, second one I've seen in as many hours.

- Oh, yeah, there's a few knock.

Look, I'm spittin' feathers, Lo.

- Now Eric, take Ron down the l, wet his vocal cords, will you?

- Okay, you not joining us?

- Ah, no, I have to call Freddi.

Unless, of course you'd like a word with him, Eric.

(wind blowing) - All fixed, old chap, 10:30 tomorrow morning, his place.

- Tomorrow?

(Morris laughing) Then I am in town, tonight.

(cups clattering) - Mm, it's all right if you like that modern, repro rubbish, Dennis.

(Lovejoy yawning) And to think, I was almost tempd to stay in bed this morning.

- I know how you feel, Lovejoy.

- No, I don't think you do, Eri.

- You havin' a pint, Lovejoy?

- Thank you, Ron.

- What did Freddie have to say about the, water tank?

- We didn't get around to that subject, Eric, we had other things to talk about.

(phone ringing) - Hello?

Lovejoy, phone!

Tinker, a tanked-up Tinker, I'd.

- Oh, all right, all right.

- Well, as you can imagine, Freddie wasn't too happy with being chief suspect.

He threatened to jump on the next plane, come home and sort it all out.

As his house is soaking wet and shot full of holes, I didn't think that was a terribly good idea, so, leave it with me for a few days, I heard myself saying, I'll sort it out.

(Lovejoy laughing) - [Ron] Cheers, Lovejoy.

- Oh, thank you very much, Ron.

So, your grandad, tell me, how he came by this cup.

- Yeah, I've got it, Tink.

You're spending the night in Lo.

Yeah, I hope you're not up to any naughties.

(Eric laughing) - He told me he won it off some, French soldier in a card game or something, in the First Worl.

Course, no one really knows the truth about that cup.

Mind you, back in them days, my family name and the Felshams, were mentioned in the same breath.

- Your family and the Felshams, is that right?

When did your family decide to branch out into plumbing?

- Oh, well, see, Lord Felsham and my old grandad were like that back then.

Between them, I suppose they must have owned, nearly half this county.

They were founder members of the golf club, as it happens.

- It's all sorted.

- Oh good, go on, Ron, about your family fortunes.

- Well, my old grandmum, God rest her soul, she went to her grave cursing the Felsha.

She always reckoned old man Fel, pulled a fast one on Grandad, back in the '30s.

Some, land-deal swindle or some.

- Bloomin' hell, that's a turn ?

- Then years later, back in the, when my old man was old enough to take over the family affairs, things went from bad to worse.

Useless, was my old man.

We was potless by the mid '60s.

- All gone, nothing left?

- Just the cottage I live in.

Oh and 12 acres of scrub meadowland on the east side of that poxy golf club.

- That must be worth a few bob,?

- Yeah, one day, perhaps.

(bright orchestra) (car engine roaring) - The last member who parked in the captain's spot, was hanged at dawn and his corpse left for a week, as a warning to others.

And he drove a Rolls Royce, I'm.

(golf club clattering) - The, genuine article, Mr. Gol?

Oh, this is as an item of antiquity, it has a, somewhat limited value.

- Mr. Dill, let's not get involved in, silly conversation.

It's the club's history, that makes it a unique piece.

I know its value so, please, I'm a very busy man.

- Oh, right.

(car soaring) (door opening) - What's this in my parking spa?

(door slamming) - [Lovejoy] And to your knowled, only four copies have been made?

- Yeah, that's right, Major, Wing Commander Geddings, Peter Davis and Freddie.

- The name of the silversmith who makes the copies?

- Ah, who knows, it's a firm the Major recommended.

The best in Bishop's Stortford,, but the Major handles all that for the winners.

- That's what Freddie told me, where is the Major?

- Out on the course, I think.

Listen, I think you ought to know, that the Major now, is not too happy with your involvement in all th.

- That comes as no surprise, Ar.

I also gather from Freddie thate and the Major didn't exactly hi.

- Well, let's just say the Majo.

- Mm.

(golf cart passing) (Lovejoy stepping) Boo.

- As your number one spy, I have to inform you, there's a hanging-party scouring the premises, looking for you.

- Isn't it nice to be popular?

- [Mr. Davis] That little tyke,, has parked his damn car in my s. (bright music) - New parking service, gentleme!

(bright violin music) - Lovejoy, damn that man!

Who the hell let him back on these premises again in the first place, eh?

- I'll buy you drinks!

- I want him, thrown out.

Oh yes and for God's sake, get one of the staff to remove that, junk heap from my parking space, as well.

- Something wrong, Mr. Davis?

- Oh, Lady Felsham.

- Did I do something, so wrong when parking my little?

- What, your vehicle?

- Yes, I've done something terribly wrong, haven't I?

I can tell.

- Well, no, it's not so terriblg but, we do have to have rules h. I'm sure you can understand tha.

- Yes, of course, I'm so sorry.

I'll move it right away.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, please, no harm done this time.

Park my car.

- Yeah.

- There, problem solved.

- Now, what can I get you to dr?

(bright trumpet music) - Excuse me, excuse me, move yo.

(Lovejoy laughing) (bright trumpet music) Beep!

Beep!

- [Man Golfing] Oi, watch it!

- Very bad luck, Major!

(bright trumpet music) - What the hell do you think you're playing at, Lovejoy?

- Sorry if I'm interrupting your round, Major, but I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions.

- Yes, I would mind, now, will you leave this course now?

On the double, before I throw y!

- Would you play your shot, ple?

(dramatic music) (man swinging) - Damn good shot, excuse me.

- What the hell?

(Lovejoy swinging) He'll be with you in a minute.

- Now, you look here.

- No, you look here, Major.

I don't wish to seem offensive, but if you don't answer my quess I'll show you just how offensiv.

(car passing) (Ron laughing) - Oh dear, the last time I saw someone look as bad as you do, Tinker, they were nailing the lid down, mate.

(Ron laughing) - My God, Tink, you look like the rough end of a pineapple.

(Ron laughing) - Oh, who's this now?

(gong crashing) - Mr. Kashimoto.

- Don't let him see this.

- Hey?

- It's all right, I told his assistant I'd be down here.

- What?

- There you are, won't be a min.

(oriental music) (gong crashing) (wind blowing) - Very good, Jane.

- Well?

- Fairbanks and Dean, silversmiths, Bishop's Stortfor.

How's the captain?

- A little, putt out, I'd say.

- Ho-ho, that's very funny, Jan. Not too tight with that grip, r. - Lovejoy, where are you going?

- To see a man, about a cup.

(bright orchestra) (car engine roaring) The golf club have agreed to let me use the original, in my photograph, Mr. Dean.

- What paper did you say you were with, Mr?

- Oh, Jarvis, Rupert Jarvis, I'm with an independent.

- The Independent?

- Ah, no, oh, no, I'm a freelane for an independent firm, that produces supplements for Sunday magazines.

Be very good publicity for your firm, Mr. Dean.

- Really?

- You know, I sometimes, forget, but I never forget a piece, as beautiful, as this.

- Mm, I can relate to that.

Mr, Lovejoy?

Yeah, yes, I love this piece.

- Mm.

- Thank you for selling it to m. - It's a pleasure, Mr. Dean.

George the II baluster-lidded t. - [Mr. Dean] Hm.

- William Priest, London 1790.

Nice to see it's in good hands.

(Mr. Dean gasping) - Don't suppose you'd consider.

- No chance, not for sale at an.

- Hm.

- Right, as one professional tor and dispensing with all this newspaper nonsense, what is your interest in the Pulsatilla Cup and how may I assist, hm?

- Good round, Major?

- I was going great guns until that scruffy oik, Lovejoy, arrived on the course.

- So, it was you he wanted to s. - Yes and I have a few choice ws for Featherstone when I see him.

I have a good mind to call a special meeting of the committee after this.

- Yes, well I'll back you on th.

Man shouldn't be allowed on the, let alone tearing around our co. Ah, my usual, one for the Major.

I, hope he had good reason to interrupt your round.

- Asking bloody questions about Pulsatilla Cup business.

Make sure mine's with plenty of!

I want that Lovejoy, barred from these premises.

- Yes, yes.

(ball rolling) (Jane gasping) - Beginner's luck, huh?

Now, tell me about the problemse with the land at the entrance t. I might be able to help.

- You said if I ever needed anybody, ah, duffed up or sorted out, well, yes, mm-hm.

H, how much?

Oh.

(Mr. Davis laughing) I'm obviously in the wrong busi.

No, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, that'll be fine.

Well, as quickly as possible.

It's, ah, some flash antiques dealer, called Lovejoy.

- Plant hire business, I gather.

According to gossip, he very nearly went broke, this time last year.

But then, if you believed all t, one would have to say that our dear captain, has had a few ladies up against, if you know what I mean.

- Hm, really?

- Mm, plays it all very carefully, does our Peter.

Never gets involved with us members or members' wives.

- Pity really.

(everyone laughing) - Christine, what will Lady Felsham think of us?

No, but seriously, he's a real .

Especially where the female staff are concerned.

- Yes, I'd say that's, par for .

- Oh, don't look now, girls, but I think we're being watched.

Yes, "par for the course" is ri.

The last two barmaids can testi.

- Mm, especially the last one, the Thornly girl.

Hm, couldn't keep that one quiet, eh, Christine?

(Christine laughing) - Broke the poor girl's heart, Randy swine.

- The club's access road runs across privately owned land.

Well, the club had a 60-year lease, which is about to expire so they need to raise cash pretty quickly in order to buy the land.

- Janey, any golf club that is only accessible, by a helicopter, has a slight problem, don't you think?

(Janey laughing) - Actually, I find it quite iro.

They wanted exclusivity, they've certainly got it.

- Rubbish.

- Oh.

Oh, the silversmiths, any luck ?

- Know, it's interesting.

Mrs. Fairbanks and Dean made five copies of that cup.

- Oh, that's interesting.

- That's just a good example.

- No, no, the silversmiths.

- Oh, the fifth copy was commissioned by a P Thornly.

Now, the golf club has never had a P Thornly as a member, past or present.

- How odd.

- Mm.

- Aha, Mr. Lovejoy, this is a most honorable gift.

Henry Cotton was the most respected golfer, yes?

- The most respected golfer, Mr. Kashimoto.

- Most respected.

(door opening) (birds chirping) - Mr. Lovejoy, I thank you very.

(Mr. Kashimoto stepping) (Lovejoy gasping) - Yeah, I know he's a nice guy.

All right, Mr. Kashimoto.

I think there's something you ot to know, about your membership to this golf club.

- Blackballed, Mr. Lovejoy?

- You know?

- Of course, it's to be expecte.

- And you still want to offer them this gift?

- It's a matter of honor, Mr. L. To lose face to such people, would be a matter of, great dishonor.

- That's very commendable, Mr. Kashimoto, but I, well, there's an English expres, I had my card marked, before I spent your money.

- But you see, Mr. Lovejoy, I had my card marked, before I employed your services.

There are other ways to gain ac, to such an establishment.

(bright flute music) (birds chirping) - Hello, Arnold.

Coffee, tea?

- Ah, no, no, no, thanks.

- Ooh, sounds serious.

- Yes, the Major called an emergency committee meeting, at the club last night.

Needless to asy, your name was top of the agenda.

- Well I'm very flattered.

I've never been top of an agend.

- You know, I'm truly sorry, Lo, but I've been told to inform you of the committee's decision.

You are to drop all inquiries concerning the Pulsatilla Cup, forthwith.

- If not, yesterday, hm.

- I've also been charged with the unpleasant task of informing you, that you are r to set foot on the club premises, ever again.

- Wow, I really was top of the agenda, wasn't I?

- By association, the same thing applies to Lady Felsham.

In fact, she's been struck from the membership.

- I'm sure, she will be crushed.

- Sorry, Lovejoy.

- Is that it?

- Oh, now, I'm really embarrass.

And I'm, I'm very sorry, Lovejoy but it was your antics out on the course yesterday with the Major.

- No, don't apologize to me, Ar.

Save those for your friends and business associates, like Freddie and Mr. Kashimoto.

You can tell Lady Jane yourself.

(car engine roaring) - Sorry, Lovejoy.

- Morning, Lady Felsham.

- Good morning, Arnold.

- Bye, Arnold.

Hello, Janey.

- Lovejoy, it came to me while I was in the bath this morning.

- Eureka.

- That name, Thornly, P Thornly is not a man.

- Does he know this yet?

- Will you be serious, P Thornly is not a man, nor a club member.

The P is for Philippa, Philippa Thornly was a barmaid and an ex-employee of the club.

And guess who she was having an affair with, at the time.

- Go on, surprise me.

- Captain Slug, Peter Davis.

- Ugh!

- Hm, I thought you'd be please.

Now all we have to do is find h. I thought we could, pop over to the club and ask around.

- Ah, small problem there, Jane.

- Come on, get ready, let's get.

- I've been banned.

- Oh, well, hardly surprising, under the circumstances.

No problem, I'll go around on m. - So have you.

- What?

- Been banned, kicked out, Spanish archered, dis-membered, elbowed, whatever.

- I've what?

They can't do that.

- I thought you'd be pleased.

- They've barred me from the, c?

But, I don't understand, the Felshams have been members since, time immemorial.

Is that why Arnold Featherstone, to tell you to tell me?

Oh, that, ignorant pig!

He couldn't even tell me on his own, how dare he?

Wait till I tell Alex.

- Oh, hello, Dennis.

Well, he's a bit busy, actually, can I help?

A barmaid?

- [Lovejoy] ] How much!

- [Ron] Come on, Lovejoy, that's double cheap, I've done you a favor.

- Yeah, all right, Dennis, I'll.

Yeah, catch you later, mate.

- No, no, no, Ron, this bill is bloody ridiculous!

- Well pay me in readies and I'll knock off the VAT.

- Oh, that was Dennis, from the.

You asked him about some barmai?

- Oh, this better be good.

- Well, how do I know?

Well, anyway, he said Philippa Thornly used to work for him at the pub, goo?

(birds chirping) - Goodish.

(bright trumpet music) - How much?

Ron!

(suspenseful trumpet music) - I must say, Lovejoy, this is a very nice surprise.

(suspenseful trumpet music) (car engine roaring) Thank you.

- I hope that you find this comfortable, dear, (indistinct) the waitress will be with you in a minute, sir.

- Evening, Lovejoy.

- Hello, Ron.

- Lady Felsham.

- Hello.

- Can recommend the salmon, as it happens, très bon, mwah!

- Isn't that?

- Ron, the plumber and he was sitting with Kashimoto.

(people chattering) - [Jane] This all sounds wonder.

- Mm.

(bright piano music) - I might have known.

- [Lovejoy] What?

- I was silly enough to believe, never mind.

- [Lovejoy] What?

- Ready to order?

- What do you recommend?

- Fish is excellent, fresh in t. - Fine for me, Janey?

Oh, I do beg your pardon, Jane Felsham, Philippa Thornly.

- Very nice to meet you, sorry, sir, do I know you?

- Lovejoy, Lovejoy Antiques.

I wonder later, when it's not so busy, if we could, have a little chat.

- A chat, about what, Mr. Lovej?

- Just Lovejoy, about an old friend of yours, Peter Davis.

- Peter Davis is no friend of m. - I was hoping you'd say that, .

- That rat told me he was having a copy made of that cup as a surprise gift for one of the committee member.

I didn't think I was doing anyt.

- No, you weren't, you've got no worries on that score, believe me.

- He's nicked the real one, has?

- Well, we can't prove anything, but it certainly looks that way.

- Yeah, that's his style, he was having business problems at the time.

Oh, God, what a fool I've been.

- Come on don't be so hard on yourself, you weren't to know.

- Are the police involved?

- You know that committee and the club, they're a law unto themselves.

- They're very reluctant to involve the police.

- That's typical of that lot.

No scandal, close ranks, sweep it all under the carpet a.

They're all at it, that's why.

- At it?

- I mean, they've all got their little fiddles or perks, as they call it.

The stuck-up Major fiddles the wine prices, the Wing Commander fiddles the .

- Peter Davis?

- Bar and green staff wages.

Fiddles the overtime, that's how him and me, well, like I said, they're all .

- You know, it makes you wonder, what you have to do, to be struck off as a member, d?

Hm.

- It's not that I mind being, w. - Kicked out of the club?

- Quite, no, it's just that, we.

- Yeah, I know how you feel, Ja.

- Do you, Lovejoy?

(people stepping) - Well, yeah, I, I think I do, well, why don't you, tell me?

- How I feel?

- Yeah.

- Lovejoy.

- Sh.

- Ah.

(thug air-kissing) Very touchin'.

Oh, ain't that nice, eh, Pete?

- Problem, lads?

- We ain't got no problems, pal, but I'd say you have.

- What the hell's going on here?

- Janey, Janey, just get in the car, I'll take care of it.

- I most certainly will not get in the car.

- Bugger off!

- Janey, stop.

- Oh, thank you, Janey, oh, sh!

- Ah!

(dramatic music) - If you should hit my friend a, I'll be forced to break, both y.

(oriental music) - Do what?

(gong crashing) (suspenseful music) - [Lovejoy] Oh, no, no!

- Fra, Frank.

- [Lovejoy] No.

- What?

- What's he doing, Frank?

Sod this for a game of soldiers!

(Mr. Kashimoto screaming) (car doors closing) (car engine starting) - Are you okay, Lovejoy, yes?

- Oh, I'm fine, Mr. Kashimoto.

Thank you very much, that was quite some display.

- Display?

- Mm.

(car racing) - How do you say?

Big bluff.

I know nothing of karate.

But they don't know that, yes?

(Mr. Kashimoto laughing) (wind blowing) - It's a silly game, this.

- Eric, remarks like that in a place like this, are very close to blasphemy.

(birds chirping) - You jammy!

I don't believe it.

- What we doing here, anyway?

We're guests of Mr. Kashimoto.

Witnessing the presentation of a fine gift, by a very honor.

- But he's been blackballed, he's not gonna be a member.

- Eric.

- This is madness, you haven't a shred of proof, nothing.

I'm the captain of this club, Lovejoy's just a, lowlife, secondhand furniture dr with a, working-class chip on his shoulder.

How can you possibly believe hi?

- Lady Felsham?

- Lady Felsham and Lovejoy are.

Well, come on, I mean, we all kw what's going on there, don't we?

(Mr. Davis laughing) No, gentlemen, you've been hoodwinked, you've been conned.

You have no proof whatsoever.

(Lovejoy knocking) (people chattering) - You were saying, sir?

- You can't do this to me, don't you lot forget.

I know what's what around here.

I know who's fiddling what!

And I'll not keep quiet, you kn?

- There shouldn't be anything down there, it's gorgeous.

(Mr. Davis stomping) So what happened?

- Stripped of rank, thrown out .

- What, is that it?

No law?

- No, for reasons I cannot disc, the committee's decided.

- To close ranks, to avoid a scandal, sweep it under the carpet?

I don't believe it.

- There's no real proof, Lady F. Look, we're incredibly grateful to you both.

How can we repay you?

- Let me know when you want to do a deal on the hall stand,.

- Look, that man has stolen from you, for God's sake.

I mean, call in the police, have him arrested!

- Well, it, it's not quite as simple as that, Lady Felsham.

Let me buy you a drink.

If we call in the police.

- I'll show them, who needs this bloody place?

I'll really show them.

(locker door slamming) Ah!

- Now, Davis, where's the cup?

- I sold it.

- I figured that out for myself?

- He was a foreigner, a Russian.

(Mr. Davis falling) (everyone clapping) - You know what I'd like to do with that putter?

- Now, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of myself, the club committee and all our members, I would like to say a big and sincere thank you, to Mr. Ko for his truly magnificent gift.

(men chattering) - What a load of twaddle.

(every one clapping) - Eric, shut, up.

- I would also like to extend to Mr. Kashimoto, my heartiest congratulations and welcome him into the bosom of our wonderful club.

- Am I hearing right?

- I think so.

(everyone clapping) - Now, ah, Mr. Kashimoto, if, if you would care to step over here, I would be, d to present to you, your club ti.

(everyone clapping) - Um, Arnold, have you been holding out on us, hm?

- Well, I must confess, just a .

- And you, you're full of surprises, how did you swing?

- Arnold explained the club hadm with the entrance land, he then, introduced me to Ron.

- Oh, old 12 acres of scrubland.

- Committee was so busy looking at the front, they didn't bother to look to t. Bit like Singapore, really.

- Hm, yeah, so I sold my land to Mr. Kashimoto and the family's got a few bob .

- That's great, Ron, I'm very pleased for you.

- Very pleased.

- Yeah, Ron, so, you won't mind forgettin' about this bill now, then, will you?

(Eric laughing) (bright flute music) (bright synth music)