♪ (dramatic orchestral music) ♪ (jaunty orchestral music) (dump truck whines) (debris rumbles) (ship horn blows) - Hello, Duke.

- Hello Mike, any luck today?

- Well I figured out a swell racket, and everything was going great until the cops came along.

- Too bad it didn't work.

- [Mike] If them cops would stick to their own racket and leave honest guys alone we'd get somewhere in this country without a lot of this relief and all that stuff.

- Mike, I wouldn't worry.

Prosperity's just around the corner.

- Yeah, it's been there a long time.

I wish I knew which corner.

Well Duke, I'm gonna turn in.

Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir, Mike.

(car approaches) (car door shuts) (car door shuts) - This is the place, all right.

That looks like one of them sitting outside that shack.

- Looks like a pretty tough joint to me.

- You stall Irene, I'll talk to the fellow.

- I don't think it's fair of you and Cornelia, I told you about this place!

- We got here first... - Well she's not gonna get ahead of me!

- Good evening!

- Good evening.

- How'd you like to make five dollars?

- Huh...?

I...didn't quite catch what you said.

- I said how'd you like to make five dollars?

- [Duke] Five dollars?

- [Cornelia] Five dollars.

- Well...

I don't want to seem inquisitive, but... what would I have to do for it?

- Oh, all you have to do is go to the Waldorf Ritz Hotel with me and I'll show you to a few people and then I'll send you right back.

- May I inquire just WHY you would want to show me to people at the Waldorf Ritz?

- Oh if you must know, it's a game; you've probably heard about it, a scavenger hunt.

If I find a forgotten man first, I win.

[Cornelia] Is that clear?

- Yes, quite clear.

(ship horn blows in distance) Shall I wear my tails, or come just as I am?

- You needn't be fresh.

Do you want the five dollars or don't you?

- Madam, I can't tell you how flattered I am by your very generous offer.

- George!

- However, I'm afraid I'll have to take it up with my board of directors.

- Don't you touch me!

- And no matter what my board of directors advise, I think you should be spanked.

- George, do something!

- Are you in the habit of hitting ladies?

- Maybe.

I'm in the habit of hitting gentlemen also, if that'll interest you.

- Well aren't you going to do anything?

- Yes, let's get a policeman.

(ship horn blows) - Who are you?

- I'm Irene.

That was my sister Cornelia you pushed in the ash pile.

- How'd you like to have me push Cornelia's sister into an ash pile?

- Oh, I don't think I'd like that.

- Well then you'd better get out of here.

- Oh, you bet!

- Wait a minute!

Sit down.

- I'm sitting.

- [man] What's up Duke?

Need some help?

- No thanks boys... Got everything under control.

You a member of this hunting party?

- I was, but I'm not now.

Are they all forgotten men too?

- Yes, I guess they are maybe, why?

- It's the funniest thing, I couldn't help but laugh.

I've wanted to do that ever since I was six years old.

- You wanted to do what?

- Oh, push Cornelia in something, a pile of ashes or something.

You know, that was Faithful George with her.

That isn't really his name, but we call him that because he gets in everybody's hair.

His father's a broker.

- That's very enlightening.

(Irene laughs) - Cornelia thought she was going to win, and you pushed her in a pile of ashes.

(laughs loudly) (laughing) - Do you think you could follow ...an intelligent conversation for just a moment?

- I'll try.

- Well that's fine.

Do you mind telling me just what a scavenger hunt is?

- Well, a scavenger hunt is exactly like a treasure hunt.

Except in a treasure hunt you try to find something you want.

and in a scavenger hunt you try to find something that nobody wants.

- Hmm...like a forgotten man?

- That's right, and the one that wins gets a prize, only there really isn't a prize.

It's just the honor of winning.

Because all the money goes to charity.

That is, if there's any money left over and there never is.

- Well, that...clears the whole matter up beautifully.

- You know, I've decided I don't want to play any more games with human beings as objects.

It's kind of sordid when you think of it, I mean when you think it over.

- Yeah, well I ...don't know.

I haven't thought it over.

- I don't like to change the subject, but would you tell me why you live in a place like this when there's so many other nice places?

- You really want to know?

- Oh, I'm very curious.

- It was because my real estate agent felt that the altitude would be very good for my asthma.

- Oh my uncle has asthma.

- No!

(sarcastically) Well...(chuckles) now THERE'S a coincidence.

- Well, I suppose I should be going now, shouldn't I?

- That's a good idea.

- I want to see who won the game.

I suppose it was Cornelia again.

She probably got another forgotten man by now.

- You mean, if you took me with you, that you'd win the game?

Is that the idea?

- Well, I might if I got there first.

But after seeing what you did to Cornelia, I'm not saying anything.

- But you'd WIN if you got back first with me?

- It'd be awfully nice of you, but I don't like to ask.

- Let's beat Cornelia.

- It wouldn't be asking too much?!

- Mm-mm.

See, I've got a sense of curiosity, just the same as you have.

I'd really like to see just what a scavenger hunt looks like.

- But I told you!

- Yes, I'm... still curious.

- Well...come on!

- Thank you.

(phone rings) - My name's Blake.

- My name is Bullock.

- The place slightly resembles an insane asylum.

- Well, all you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people.

- That's right.

- Come on, keep up with Auntie Angelica.

This is the silliest game I ever played!

(goat bleats) Oh, good evening Mrs. Jordan!

Look what I brought with me.

(guests laugh & chatter) - Take a look at the dizzy old gal with the goat.

- I've had to look at her for 20 years; that's Mrs. Bullock.

- Alexander!

Alexander!

- I'm terribly sorry.

- How do you think I feel?

All right, all right Angelica!

(laughing & chattering) - Alexander...Alexander, come here and look at the pretty goat.

Carlo and I found him in the Bronx.

Isn't he the sweetest little thing?

- He doesn't smell very sweet.

- Oh, Alexander never did like animals.

Come on, goat, goat, goat.

Come on, come on goat-- - Are you talking to me or that thing?

- Oh, Alexander!

Come on goat, don't be afraid of the stairs.

Your Auntie Angelica won't let anything happen to you at all.

(goat bleats) Come on, quick, quick, quick.

Come on, goat, goat, goat, come on!

(crowd noise) [Mrs. Bullock] I have a goat!

I have a goat!

I have a goat!

(deafening crowd noise) Will you please pay attention to me?

I'm Mrs. Bullock, and I have a goat.

- I know, I-- - [Mrs. Bullock] I have a goat!

I have a goat!

I have a goat!

(deafening crowd noise) - I know you've got a goat.

Andy will you please get Mrs. Bullock's goat?

(deafening crowd noise) I have a little baby goat!

(goat bleats) - Now what do you suppose I'm gonna do with that?

(crowd shouting & yelling) - [Mrs. Bullock] What else do we have to find?

- What?

- What else do we have to get?

- All you have to get now after the goat is one forgotten man and a bowl of Japanese goldfish.

- Get that thing out of the way!

What?

- I said a forgotten man and a bowl of Japanese goldfish.

(deafening crowd noise) - How about going home?

- What?

What are you talking about?

- How about going home?

- We just have two other things to get.

A bowl of Japanese men and a forgotten goldfish.

Or was eels?

- Goldfish!

- I don't know anything about goldfish... but if you want a forgotten man, you'll find me home in bed!

- I can't concentrate, Alexander!

Come along Carlo, a bowl of goldfish.

- Are all these people hunters?

- Oh no, we work in groups.

Some are hunters and some are receivers.

- Sounds like a bankruptcy proceeding.

- I never thought of that.

(laughs) - Who receives me?

- Oh I have to take you to the committee, but you don't mind, do you?

- I can hardly wait.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

What have you there?

- Oh this is Godfrey, is Cornelia back yet?

- I haven't seen Cornelia.

Where did you find him?

(crowd shouting) - Oh Mr. Guthrie!

Come right this way... Mr. Guthrie!

Mr. Guthrie!

Mr. Guthrie!

I have a forgotten man!

(monkey screeches) (monkey screeches) I have a forgotten man!

Mr. Guthrie!

This is Godfrey.

He's a forgotten man!

- He's a forgotten man!

- A forgotten man!

- His name is Godfrey.

- A forgotten man?

- Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet, quiet!

Miss Bullock has a forgotten man.

Do you mind stepping up on the platform, please?

- Yes get right up on the platform, Godfrey.

- Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

- Fire away.

- What is your address?

- City Dump 32, East River, Sutton Place.

- [Mr. Guthrie] It's rather fashionable over there, isn't it?

- In spots.

- Is that your permanent address?

- Well, the permanency is rather questionable.

See, the place is being rapidly filled in.

- Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

- If it isn't too personal.

- Are those whiskers your own?

- No one else has claimed them.

- I must ask that question because one group tried to fool the committee in the early part of the evening by putting false whiskers on one of their own group.

- May I uh... - What?

- May I uh...?

- Oh it's a pleasure.

- One more question... Are you wanted by the police?

- Ah that's just the trouble.

Nobody wants me.

- [Mr. Guthrie] Oh, very good answer.

- Splendid, Godfrey!

- You mean nobody wants him?

Nobody at all?

- Nobody.

- Oh that's too bad.

- On the contrary, I sometimes find it a great advantage.

- The committee is satisfied!

Miss Irene Bullock wins 20 points for a forgotten man and 50 points extra for bringing in the first one.

(crowd cheers) - [crowd] Speech!

Speech!

Speech!

- Group ten wins the silver cup.

- Oh, thank you!

- [crowd] Speech!

Speech!

(applause & cheering) - They want a speech now!

Come on!

(applause) - My purpose in coming here tonight was twofold.

Firstly, I wanted to aid this young lady.

Secondly, I was curious to see how a bunch empty-headed nitwits conducted themselves.

(crowd gasps) My curiosity is satisfied.

I assure you it will be a pleasure for me to go back to a society of really important people.

(crowd murmurs in dismay) - What did he call us?

- Nitwits!

- Nitwits?

What are they?

- I don't know!

(cup clatters) - [man in crowd] The man's perfect!

I've been wanting to say that all night, but I didn't have the nerve.

- [Irene] Oh, Godfrey!

Oh Godfrey!

(running footsteps) Oh Godfrey, I'm terribly sorry.

- That's all right.

- I'd never brought you here if I thought they were gonna humiliate you.

I'm terribly grateful.

This is the first time I've ever beaten Cornelia at anything and you helped me do it.

- Well, that makes me a Cornelia beater, doesn't it?

- You've done something for me, I wish I could do something for you.

- Why?

- Because you've done something for me, don't you see?

- No, I don't see.

I could use a job, if you've got one lying around loose.

- Can you "buttle"?

- "Buttle"?

- Yes, we're fresh out of butlers.

The one we had left this morning.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Irene!

They're calling for you in the jade room.

Don't you want your nice cup?

- Tell them to keep their cup, I don't want it.

- But you can't stand here talking to this man.

What will people think?

- I don't care what they think.

Godfrey's gonna be our butler.

- He's gonna be whose butler?

- He's gonna work for us.

- Oh that's ridiculous.

You don't know anything about him.

He hasn't any recommendations... - Well the last one had recommendations and stole all the silver.

- Well that was merely a coincidence.

- People who take in stray cats say they make the best pets, Madam.

- I don't see what cats have got to do with butlers.

You mustn't pay any attention to my daughter.

She's very impulsive.

- I'm not impulsive!

- And don't shout at your mother.

- I will shout!

- Oh, Mrs. Meriwether.

Irene has won and she's shouting.

- You mean it's all over?

- Oh yes, she always shouts when she wins.

Well run along, my good man.

Just run along and thank you so much for coming.

Thank you so, so much.

- He will not run along!

- [Godfrey] I think I'd better.

- My word!

There's Cornelia, and she has another one!

- You're a little late, Cornelia.

I've won the game.

- Oh, you have?

- [man] Hey, where do I get my five bucks?

- Bucks?

Bucks, what are--?

Will you talk to your sister?

She wants to hire this man as the butler.

- Why not?

He might make a very good butler.

- I'm sure I'd make a very good butler.

- Hey, where do I get my five bucks?

- Bucks?

Bucks?

What's he talking about?

What's he talking about?

- Five bucks!

- Oh, I promised him five dollars.

- Well, give him the five dollars and the bucks too, and get him out of here... before your sister hires him as a chauffeur.

Why did I have to wait 'till now to find out there's insanity on your father's side of the family?

Come along Cornelia!

- I hope, Godfrey, that you're very good at shining shoes.

- I think we'd better drop the whole idea, don't you?

- I should say not, you're gonna make the best butler we ever had.

And here, you'll need some clothes and things, you know.

- Oh, well, I... (coin clinks) (chuckles) I told Jeeves to lay out my other coat.

(Irene laughs) - You have a wonderful sense of humor.

- Thank you.

Well then... Good night.

Oh, uh... just one question... - What?

- Where do you live?

- Oh, 1011 Fifth.

It's funny, I never thought of that.

(laughs) - No you didn't.

1011 Fifth.

Well, good night again.

- Good night Godfrey.

(door shuts) - Good morning.

- Good morning.

- I'm the new, uh-- - Yes I know, you're the new butler.

- How did you know?

- There's one every day at this hour.

They're dropping in and out all the time.

- Why is that?

- Some get fired, some quit.

- Is the family that exacting?

- No, they're that nutty.

- May I be frank?

- Is that your name?

- No my name is Godfrey.

- All right, be frank.

- You're, uh...quite an enthusiast.

- Don't you worry about me, I'm a seasoned campaigner.

- Uh, may we be friends?

- Oh I'm friends with all the butlers.

Sit down.

What's a three-letter sea bird with an R in the middle?

- Oh, I don't know.

- You're no help.

Where'd you get the trick suit?

- What's the matter with it?

- Well, it might look better if you took the rental tag off the coat.

- Oh...thanks.

Does the butler have quarters here in the house, or is that necessary?

- Oh, you won't need any quarters.

Just hang your hat near the door so you can get it quickly on the way out.

(buzzer rings) - What's that?

- That's the old battle ax.

She usually rings about this time.

- The old battle ax?

- Mrs. Bullock.

She's the mother type.

- Oh well, don't you do anything about it?

- Mrs. Bullock or the buzzer?

- The buzzer.

- Oh, not the first time.

If she has a hangover, and she usually has, she'll ring again in a minute in no uncertain terms.

Then brother, you better grab her tomato juice and get going.

Ah, there she blows.

(buzzer sounds) (hasty footsteps) (buzzer sounds) Well Cupid, this is your big opportunity.

- Shall I take it to her?

- You might as well know the worst.

I want to warn you, she sees pixies.

- Pixies?

- You know, the little men?

- Oh, those, well I know how to take care of those.

(buzzer sounds) Have you any Worcestershire?

Yes, there it is.

- Well what are you gonna do with that?

- Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

- Well what do you want to do, scorch her windpipe?

- There's nothing like a counterirritant in the morning.

Where do I find her?

- You better go this way, it's quicker.

(buzzer rings) The upper landing, to the left.

(buzzer rings) (buzzer rings incessantly) (footsteps) - Just which is her-- - That's her cage up there, the first door.

- Oh.

Well, wish me luck.

- Happy landing.

(footsteps up stairs) (chimes jingle) (chimes jingle & soft music plays) - What day is it, Molly?

- I'm not Molly.

- Who isn't?

- I'm not.

- Stop jumping up and down, so I can see who you are.

- I'm not jumping.

- That's better.

What's your name?

- Godfrey.

- Are you someone I know?

- We met last night at the Waldorf Ritz.

- Oh yes, you were with Mrs. Maxton's party at the bar.

Or were you?

- I'm the forgotten man.

- So many people have such bad memories.

- That's so true.

- Why do they keep playing that same tune over and over again?

- Why do they?

- Don't you hear it?

(chimes jingle & soft music plays) - Oh...

Yes, yes, I do...in a way.

- Always the same tune over and over again.

- May I, uh... - May you what?

Where are you?

What's that?

- Pixie remover.

- Oh, then you see them too.

- They're old friends.

- Yes, but you mustn't step on them.

I don't like them... but I don't like to see them stepped on.

- I'll be very careful.

I wouldn't hurt them for the world.

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- [Godfrey] Drink it.

And they'll go away very quickly.

Very, very quickly.

(chimes jingle & soft music plays) You must never be rough with them.

You must always send them away quietly.

(soft music plays) Is that better?

- Yes, you're a great help.

Go away little men, go away!

Pshhhhhh.

Oh, but... oh...you haven't told me who you are.

- I'm Godfrey, the forgotten man.

I'm the new butler.

- Are you that ugly man with the beard?

- The same.

- Oh, you've changed.

I should never have known you.

- Thank you.

- You're very comforting.

I hope I'll see more of you.

Maybe I'd better not drink any more of this... or you might go away too.

(giggles) (Mrs. Bullock giggles) (Mrs. Bullock giggles) (Mrs. Bullock giggles) - I put your hat and valise at the foot of the stairs.

You can go out the front way, it's closer.

- I think I won the first round.

- You mean you're still working here?

- I haven't heard anything to the contrary.

- Well, you just got by the cub.

Try the lioness.

- Oh, which is she?

- Her name's Cornelia.

She's a sweet-tempered little number.

- Yes, I met her last night.

- You've got a treat coming.

You never met her in the morning.

Second door.

- [Cornelia] Who are you, and what are you doing in here?

If I want you to bring that breakfast, I'll let you know!

I don't want a hobo serving my breakfast!

Don't ever come in here again, if you know what's good for you!

- I'm afraid I lost the second round.

- [Irene] Hey Molly, would you bring me some breakfast!

- Opportunity never stops knocking in this house.

Do you want to try again?

- How is she in the morning?

- She's not as violent, but she's more insidious.

- Here goes.

- [Molly] I'll leave your things right up here so you won't forget them.

- Good morning.

I brought you breakfast.

- Are you the new butler?

- Don't you remember last night?

- Well, what happened to Godfrey?

- I'm Godfrey.

- Oh you look so different.

What happened to those nice whiskers?

Turn around, let me look at you.

You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- Thank you.

Will there be anything else?

Yes, sit down and talk to me.

I like to talk in the morning when your head is clear, especially if you've been somewhere the night before.

- Don't you think it'd be better if I talked standing?

- No, because if you're uncomfortable, I get uncomfortable and forget what I have to say.

- If you insist.

But it doesn't seem very good form for a butler.

- Oh, you're more than a butler.

You're the first protégé I ever had.

- Protégé?

- You know, like Carlo.

- Who is Carlo?

- He's Mother's protégé!

- Oh.

- You know, it's awfully nice Carlo having a sponsor, because then he doesn't have to work and he gets more time for his practicing.

But then he never does and that makes a difference.

- Yes, I imagine it would-- - Do you play anything Godfrey?

Oh, I don't mean games and things like that.

I mean the piano and things like that.

- Well, I-- - Oh it doesn't really make any difference.

I just thought I'd ask.

It's funny how some things make you think of other things.

- Yes, very peculiar.

- It makes me feel so mature and grown up.

- Uh...what does?

- Having a protégé.

You're the first one I ever had.

- You've never had any others?

- No, you're the first, and it's terribly thrilling.

Not only does it occupy my mind, but I think it's character-building too.

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, just what does a protégé have to do?

- Well, you just go on buttling and I sponsor you.

Don't you see?

- It's getting clearer.

- It's really not much work.

It gives you something to think of and it's gonna be such fun.

- I'm sure it's going to be heaps of fun.

- You see for instance, if Cornelia got mean or anything you wouldn't have to do anything about it.

You see, I'd take care of everything.

You see, I'm your sponsor and I'd just take a sock at her.

- (chuckles) I hope that'll never be necessary.

- Oh, I just wanted to give you the idea.

- That's fine, but you see a protégé has certain responsibilities also.

For instance, if someone should ring for me now and I didn't answer, that would reflect upon you because you're my sponsor.

Don't you see?

- Yes, I suppose it would.

I never thought of that.

You don't know how nice it is having some intelligent person to talk to.

- It's been very enlightening to me too.

- Oh, I just thought of something else.

Do you know what you are?

- I'm not quite sure.

- You're my responsibility.

- That's very nice.

- See you in church.

(door opens) (door closes) - Good morning.

Fine morning, sir.

- Yes, it is a fine morning.

(footsteps down stairs) Don't be in a hurry.

You see, I'm the old-fashioned type.

And I was also middleweight champion when I was in college.

I thought you might like to know that before this thing starts.

- Well, you see sir, I'm the new butler.

I just served Miss Irene her breakfast.

- Do you always take a change of wardrobe when you serve breakfast?

- Well...

I...think this young lady can explain.

- He really is the new butler, Mr. Bullock.

I can't imagine how his things got in the hallway.

- Well I still don't get it, but if you are the new butler, why didn't you say so?

- I'm very sorry sir...may I?

- There's a man at the door to see you.

I think it's another process server.

- Another one?

- Yes, sir.

(door opens) - Well, here I am again Mr. Bullock with another little present for you.

- Yes, I've heard all that that before.

Which one of the family is it this time?

- Miss Cornelia.

Seems she was feeling pretty gay last night and on her way home, she busted up a few windows along Fifth Avenue.

I'm sorry to give you that, but girls will be girls.

- Goodbye.

(door closes) Life in this family, it's one subpoena after another.

- Mr. Bullock...there's a handsome cab driver waiting to see you in the kitchen.

- What's he want?

- He wants $50 and his horse.

- What horse?

- The one Miss Irene rode up the front steps last night.

- Where is his horse?

I haven't got it!

- It's in the library, where Miss Irene left it.

(horse whinnies) Well...do you begin to get the idea?

(horse whinnies) ♪ (soft music plays) - Come here, my man.

Do you like your place here?

I mean so far as you've gone?

- I find it very entertaining.

- Yes, we are a very entertaining family.

You really think you're going to like it here?

- I must admit it's more desirable than living in a packing case on a city dump.

- Oh, that's where I met you, isn't it?

- Yes, Miss.

- Oh, yes...yes I remember now.

We were playing some sort of a game... a scavenger hunt, I think they called it.

[Cornelia] We needed a forgotten man...

I asked you to go to the Waldorf Ritz Hotel with me and...

I'm a little bit hazy as to just what happened after that.

- I pushed you into an ash pile.

- Oh yes of course you did.

It was very amusing.

They were nice, clean ashes.

- I'm very sorry Miss.

- I didn't mind at all.

It was very amusing.

Have you a handkerchief?

[Cornelia] There's a spot on my shoe, would you see what you can do about it?

♪ (soft music plays) I could have you fired you know, but I like to see things wriggle.

When I get through with you, you'll go back to your packing case on the city dump and relish it.

People don't make a practice of pushing Cornelia Bullock into ash piles.

I'll make your life so miser-- - Hello Godfrey.

- Greetings, Irene.

- Oh I like your new monkey suit.

- Thank you for picking it up.

- You know, it fits very well for a hand-me-down.

- Yes, I'm more or less standard Miss.

- How do you like my new pajamas?

- I think they're very nice.

Thank you.

- I heard what you said to Godfrey.

- So what?

- So what, you leave him alone!

- So who's gonna make me leave him alone?

- If you don't, you'll get a good sock from me.

- Oh, the physical type.

- What I say goes.

- Since when did you start falling in love with butlers?

- I'm not in love with him, he's my protégé.

- Oh, your protégé.

That's why you're picking out his suits for him.

Suppose Father hears about this; how long do you think Godfrey will last?

- Father isn't going to hear about it.

- You seem terribly sure of everything.

- If Father hears about Godfrey, he's also going to hear about you and that sappy college boy.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

But if Father does hear about it, I'm likely to do a little socking myself.

So Little Red Riding Hood didn't have enough feminine charm to trap a wolf her own age, so she falls in love with the butler and lives happily ever after on an ash pile.

If you know what I mean.

- I know what you mean if you know what I mean.

- May I come in?

- You're in, aren't you?

- Very interesting book.

The Greeks of the Middle Ages.

- Oh Irene would like that.

You love the Middle Ages, don't you dear?

(Mrs. Bullock babbling loudly) - Ahh!

(Carlo speaking foreign language) - Oh, Carlo!

Who's giving the concert tonight?

- [Carlo] The great Kalininski.

- Oh, the pianist isn't he?

- No, cellist.

- Well what difference does it make?

It's all music, isn't it?

Oh, it's so nice to see you two girls having a pleasant chat!

Or is it a pleasant chat?

- Well, well, well!

Imagine the Bullocks gathered together all in one room.

- Oh, well don't forget Carlo.

- I'm not going to forget Carlo.

- Don't bother about me, I feel like one of the family.

- Don't you go away.

You don't mind if I discuss a few family matters, do you, Carlo old boy?

- No, not at all.

- Oh Alexander, now you're not going to bring up those sordid business matters again, I hope.

- I've just been going over last month's bills, and I find that you people have confused me with the Treasury Department.

- Oh, don't start that again Dad.

- I don't mind giving the government 60% of what I make.

But I can't do it when my family spends 50%!

- Well, why should the government get more money than your own family?

- That's what I want to know.

Why should the government get more than your own flesh and blood?

- Well, that's just the way they have of doing things.

- Oh, money, money, money!

The Frankenstein monster that destroys souls!

- Please don't say anything more about it!

[Mrs. Bullock] You're upsetting Carlo!

- We've got to come to an understanding right now!

Either Carlo is or I am.

- Am what?

- Well, one of us has got to and that's all there is to it.

- Alexander, you're inebriated.

You don't know what you're talking about.

- Well who would know what they're talking about, living with a bunch like this?

There's one thing I do know... What this family needs is discipline!

I've been a pretty patient man.

But when people start riding horses up the front steps and parking them in the library, that's going a little bit too far!

- Horses?

- Are you insinuating that I rode a horse up the front steps last night?

- Maybe that wasn't a horse I saw in the library this morning.

- Well I'm positive I didn't ride a horse into the library because I didn't have my riding costume on.

- It was Irene who rode the horse up the steps.

- What horse?

- Don't play innocent, I begged you not to do it.

- I didn't ride a horse!

But if I DID ride a horse... who broke those windows on Fifth Avenue?

- What windows?

- You know what windows!

And how about that college sap?

Yah, yah, yah!

- Well I don't care who broke the horse, or rode the windows up the steps or yah yah yah'ed!

But this family's got to settle down!

(Carlo moans) - Will you stop bellowing!

Look what you're doing to Carlo.

- Hang Carlo!

(Mrs. Bullock gasps) [Mr. Bullock] You've exhausted my patience!

- Did you make these, Godfrey?

(Mr. Bullock yelling) - I helped.

- Oh, they must be wonderful.

- I'd like to help sometime, if you'll let me.

- I'd feel honored.

- [Mr. Bullock] You might as well face the situation...

I've lost a lot of money lately.

- [Mrs. Bullock] You have?

- [Mr. Bullock] Yes I have!

- Well maybe you left it in your other suit.

- If things keep on like they're going now, it won't be long 'till I won't have another suit!

- Which ones are poisoned?

Thank you.

While we're on the subject, how about this business of certain people picking up anybody they find on the city dump and dragging them into the house?

[Cornelia] For all we know, we might all be stabbed in the back some night and robbed.

- Who's going to stab who?

- We don't know a thing about certain people.

Someone should speak to Irene about her habit of picking up strays.

- What's a stray?

- You shut up!

- Me?

- No, Cornelia.

- [Cornelia] I will not shut up.

My life is precious to me.

- It won't be in a minute.

- Now now, children.

Come Carlo, come and get some nice hors d'oeuvre.

- I think we should get our help from employment agencies.

- Well, I don't know but I agree with Cornelia.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Whatever are you all talking about?

(Irene sobs) (Irene sobs) - You upset Carlo, and now you're upsetting Irene.

Don't you remember her breakdown last summer?

- I certainly do.

That's why I'm not paying any attention to this.

- If Mother can sponsor Carlo, why can't I sponsor Godfrey?

- [Cornelia] Godfrey knows I'm not being personal, but after all none of us would like to wake up some morning stabbed to death.

- You mustn't come between Irene and Godfrey.

He's the first thing she's shown any affection for since her Pomeranian died last summer.

(Irene wails) Now now, Irene.

You mustn't have a spell.

Carlo, quick quick, give me a sofa cushion, here.

Come darling, lift up your head now like a good girl.

There now, darling, don't cry.

Now, now, darling.

(Irene sobs loudly) - She's not having a spell, that's old stuff.

(Irene wails) - Darling... - Say, what is all this nonsense?

- Will you be quiet!

You never did understand them.

And why don't you get a doctor?

- I don't want a doctor!

- Do you want an ice bag?

- No I don't want an ice bag, I want to die!

- No darling, you mustn't do that.

- She makes me ill. Let's get out of here.

- Carlo, do the gorilla for Irene.

It always amuses her.

- I'm not in the mood.

- Well stop eating the hors d'oeuvres and get in the mood.

Here.

- All right.

I'll do it, but my heart won't be in it.

- Irene, be a good girl and sit up and look at Carlo.

You know it always amuses you.

Come on, quick.

(Irene wails) Go ahead, go ahead!

[Mrs. Bullock] Go on Carlo, quickly.

Look, Irene!

Look at Carlo, isn't that lovely?

Oh, isn't that clever Irene?

Look!

(Irene sobs) (growls) (Irene continues sobbing) Carlo, come down here where she can see you better.

She's starting to laugh!

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) Isn't he clever?

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) Carlo, come down here where Irene can see you.

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) [Mrs. Bullock] Isn't it fun to laugh?

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) (Irene sobs) (Carlo growls) (Irene cries out) [Mrs. Bullock] Look, isn't that funny?

Oh, he's venturing on the door.

Look, look!

(Carlo howls) (Mrs. Bullock laughs) - He frightens me!

- No no darling, you mustn't be frightened.

He isn't a real gorilla, he's just playing.

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) Darling, look at Carlo!

(Mrs. Bullock laughs) (Irene sobs) (Mrs. Bullock laughs) (Irene sobs) Look, darling, look.

Isn't he clever?

- No!

- Why don't you stop imitating a gorilla and imitate a man?

- You wouldn't know an artist if one came up and bit you!

- This family doesn't need any stimulant.

I'll be in my room.

You can repeat this order in 30 minutes.

Someday I'm going gorilla hunting, and I won't miss.

(Irene sobs) - Has Cornelia gone?

- [Mrs.Bullock] Yes darling, she's gone.

- [Irene] Where's Godfrey?

- He's right here.

Don't go away, Godfrey.

- [Carlo] We'll be late for the concert.

- Well get my things, I'll be right with you.

Godfrey's right here, darling.

Godfrey, come over here so Irene can look at you.

- Here's Godfrey, darling.

- Where?

- Right here, look.

Say hello to Irene so she'll know who you are.

- Hello.

(Irene sobs) - Oh, hello Godfrey.

- And he's promised to stay on, haven't you Godfrey?

- If I'm wanted.

- Of course you're wanted, isn't he Irene?

- Yes, go away.

- Yes darling, I'm going.

Take good care of her.

Yes Carlo, I'm coming.

Goodbye darling, goodbye!

(whispers inaudibly) - I beg your pardon?

(whispers inaudibly) - I'm sorry, but I didn't quite hear.

- (whispers) I said, I'm not really having a spell.

- Hey cook, you'd better put this back on the fire.

Looks like we've lost most of our customers.

(door shuts) Well, what's the matter handsome?

Did something frighten you?

- What kind of family am I up against?

- There are some things even I can't answer.

- Do they...go on this way all the time?

- Oh, no!

This is just a quiet evening.

- Quiet evening?

- If I were you, I'd get rid of that lip rouge.

Makes you look a little like Cupid.

(door shuts) You'll find Godfrey in his room.

- How did you know I want to see Godfrey?

- I don't know, it just came over me.

(door opens) - Oh you...you can't come in here.

- Why not?

It's our house, isn't it?

After all, one room is just like any other room.

Besides, I want to talk.

- I'm terribly sorry, but we can't talk here.

- Well, don't you think it's indecent of you to order me out after you kissed me?

- After I kissed you, did you say?

- Isn't it funny, this morning you were sitting on my bed and now I'm sitting on yours.

- We'll...overlook that startling coincidence.

Uh, will you sit over here-- - The bed's very comfortable.

If it isn't, I'll get you another.

- We'll have our talk here.

- Now that I'm your sponsor, if you want a new bed, you can have it.

- Uh...the bed's very comfortable, thank you.

Much more so than I am at the moment.

- Oh any time you're uncomfortable, you just let me know.

- Well thank you.

Hasn't anyone ever told you about...certain proprieties?

- You use such lovely big words.

I like big words.

What does it mean?

- Well I'll try to simplify it...

Hasn't your mother or anyone ever explained to you that... some things are proper and some things are not?

- No she hasn't, she rambles on quite a bit, but then she never says anything.

- Hmmm... - But you want me to remain on here as butler, don't you?

- Oh, of course!

- And I want to justify your faith in me by being a very good butler... and in time perhaps filling the void created by the death of your late, lamented Pomeranian.

- Oh, I've forgotten all about him.

He had fleas anyway.

Besides, you're different.

You use big words and you're much cuter.

- Hmm... May I tell you a story?

- I'd love it.

- Once there was very sentimental little girl with a very kind heart, and she helped a man who was very grateful.

Then she became a nuisance and undid all the fine work she had done.

- Is it someone you know?

- Her name is Irene Bullock... and if she were a smart little girl, she'd pick out some nice young chap in her own social set and marry him and live happily ever after... and never, never, never enter the butler's room again.

- You mean I never can come in here again?

- Never.

- Well when can we talk?

- When I'm serving breakfast in the morning, I can say "good morning Miss Irene" and you can say "good morning Godfrey".

But you must never come into my room again.

- Oh you'll be sorry!

- I'm only trying to be helpful.

- You're being mean!

(door closes) I'll do something!

You wait and see!

You'll be sorry!

[Irene screams] You'll be sorry!

(piano plays & Carlo sings in foreign language) - That's a very pretty tune, Carlo.

What's the name of it?

(piano plays & Carlo sings in foreign language) - Oh, that's the name too.

I thought it was just the words.

I like it because the words are all the same.

It makes it so easy to remember.

That's probably why The Star Spangled Banner is so confusing.

Nobody seems to know the words.

(giggles) [Mrs. Bullock] Except perhaps Godfrey.

He seems to know everything.

Do you know the words, Godfrey?

- The words?

- [Mrs. Bullock] Yes, yes, The Star Spangled Banner.

Nobody seems to know the words.

Do you know them, Godfrey?

- I suppose I know as many as the average person.

- I feel ashamed of myself.

I should know them all of course, because after all, my ancestors came over on a boat.

Oh not the Mayflower, but the boat after that.

What did your ancestors come over on, Godfrey?

- As far as I know, they've always been here.

- They weren't Indians, I hope.

- One can never be sure of one's ancestors-- - You know, you have rather high cheekbones.

- Yes ma'am.

Thank you ma'am.

These flowers came for Miss Irene.

[Godfrey] Where shall I put them?

- Well, ask her.

There she is now.

- Yes ma'am.

- Pssst, Carlo!

Did you notice his cheekbones?

- These flowers just came for you, Miss.

Where shall I put them?

- What difference does it make where one puts flowers when one's heart is breaking?

- Yes Miss.

Shall I put them on the piano?

- Life is but an empty bubble.

♪ (piano plays) - [Mrs. Bullock] You don't sound very cheerful for a girl who's giving a tea party.

- Why should anyone be cheerful?

- Oh, is Irene giving a tea party?

- You're not invited.

- I'll invite myself.

Let's stick around, George.

- [George] Sure, why not?

- All I have to say is, some people will be sorry someday.

- Well, naturally everybody will be sorry someday.

- For what?

- Some people will know for what, and then it will be too late.

- This conversation is very confusing.

- Now now, Irene... you mustn't confuse Carlo.

[Mrs. Bullock] He's practicing.

- Do you know any good funeral music, Carlo?

- [Irene] Shut up!

- Are you acting for anybody in particular?

Godfrey might be interested, if he'd only turn around and look.

Oh, I remember that pose so well.

[Cornelia] I learned in dramatic school.

It's number eight isn't?

- [George] Yeah, that's number eight all right.

- [Cornelia] Am I spoiling your act, dear?

- I'll spoil something of yours someday, and it won't be your act.

♪ (piano plays) (clears throat) - Do you suppose Miss Irene would like sandwiches served in here, or shall I create a sort of buffet?

- Where do you want the sandwiches served Irene?

- What is food?

- Something you eat, silly!

Do you want the sandwiches served in here, or don't you?

- What difference does it make?

Some people do just as they like with other people's lives, and it doesn't seem to make any difference.

(Cornelia laughs) (Cornelia and Mrs. Bullock laugh) ♪ (piano plays & group sings) - What did I call?

- Five hearts!

- Oh was it hearts?

I meant spades.

I can't change, can I?

You know that music has me so confused.

Carlo, please!

(laughing) - Hi, Irene!

Why the shroud?

- Listen Van Rumple, just because some people have a million dollars doesn't mean they can put their arms around other people.

- Brrr!

(mocking tone) Where's the bar?

- Don't take her seriously, Charlie.

The servant problem's been bothering her lately.

♪ (piano plays) - No thank you, I'm not hungry.

♪ (jaunty loud singing & piano playing) No thank you-- - Four clubs.

Oh, just a minute Godfrey.

Uh, by... - Hello everybody!

- [man] Hello, Tommy!

- Oh, Tommy Gray!

- [Mr. Gray] Hello there, how are you?.

- What's the matter with you, Godfrey?

Are you ill?

Come along, Tommy, and give Angelica a hug.

How's everything in Boston?

All the beans and things?

(laughs) - We're rounding them up and putting them in cans as rapidly as possible.

Hello toots, how are you darling?

- What does it matter how I am?

[Irene] The whole thing is only a delusion.

- What things?

- You wouldn't understand.

- Well I don't so far.

I'm famished, how about something to eat?

- Oh, Godfrey, Godfrey, bring Mr. Gray a sandwich.

It's your play.

Well, come around here.

Mr. Gray's not an acrobat.

Whatever has come over you?

You're beginning to act like the rest of the family.

- Hey...wait a minute!

- What's the trouble?

- Godfrey Parke, you old mug!

- Oh, do you know Godfrey?

- Know him?

We went to Harvard together.

- [Godfrey] I'm afraid you've confused me with someone else, sir.

I'm Smith...remember?

- Sure, you're Smith.

We did go to college together?

[Mr. Gray] Or did we?

- Imagine, a butler with a college education.

- [Mr. Gray] He's not really the butler?

- [Cornelia] And a very good one.

- You mean this is not a gag just for my benefit?

- Mr. Gray neglected to tell you that when we were in Harvard together, I was his valet.

- Was he a good servant, Tommy?

- Excellent.

What's the idea?

- I'll tell you later.

- Mr. Gray never complained.

- (whispers) When?

No, I had very few complaints about Godfrey's work.

- (whispers) I'll tell you tomorrow, it's my day off.

- Strange, you never gave Mr. Gray as a reference.

- You see, I left Mr. Gray under very unusual circumstances.

- What circumstances?

- I'd rather Mr. Gray told you about that.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Well don't go away, come here and tell us all about it.

You know Tommy, Godfrey's a very mysterious person.

[Mrs. Bullock] Nobody seems to know anything about him.

[Mrs. Bullock] Don't go away, Godfrey.

- No no, don't go away Godfrey.

You see, I didn't want to say anything about this.

But you see, Godfrey had been working for us as a butler and whatnot, and things had been going along very well when... when all of a sudden, it happened (snaps)... just like that.

You're sure you want me to tell all this, Godfrey?

Well you see, as I said, he had been working for us for some time, when one day he came to me and said, "Mr. Gray", he said, "I trust my work has always been satisfactory", he said.

And I said, "Why, of course."

I said "I've never had more satisfactory work in all my life."

And he said, "Thank you, Mr.

Gray!"

He was always a very courteous man, Godfrey.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Godfrey is still extremely courteous, especially in the morning.

- Well it's not much of a story, really.

Maybe we'd better skip it.

- Oh come on Tommy, finish it.

You can't stop in the middle.

- Well let me see, where was I?

- Oh you were telling us how very polite Godfrey was.

- Yes, and that's where I said that Godfrey was still very polite.

- Well thank you Mrs. Bullock.

It's a pleasure to have you say so publicly.

- That's my nature, Godfrey.

I never say anything behind your back that I won't say in public.

- That's what I admire about you, Angelica.

- That's nice of you, Tommy.

What about the story?

- Well, anyhow, Godfrey came to me and said, "I trust my work has been satisfactory, sir."

That was about the gist of it, wasn't it Godfrey?

- Those may not have been my exact words, sir, but that WAS about the gist of it.

- All right, we'll settle for that.

You said he was very satisfactory, and he said "thank you", and then what?

- Naturally, I had to take an attitude.

- You don't make sense.

What kind of an attitude?

- Well, the only kind I could take toward a faithful servant.

But Godfrey decided in favor of his wife and five children.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Five children?

- [Mr. Gray] Five.

- My, my, tsk tsk tsk.

Was his wife an Indian woman?

- I believe she was rather dark.

We used to take her on hunting trips to stalk the game.

- Godfrey!

Why didn't you tell me you had five children?

- Well why shouldn't Godfrey have five children?

If a woman in Canada can have five children, why can't Godfrey?

(laughs) You see?

- I owe the creation of my family to Mr. Gray's generosity.

- Well if other people can have five children, so can other people.

- Personally, I think two are plenty, and strangely enough Bullock agrees with me.

(laughs) - Listen everybody, I want to make an announcement about something!

Come here, come here!

- What do you want to announce?

- I want to announce my, my, my engagement!

I'm going to be married.

(crowd gasps) - You're going to be married?

To whom?

- Well, you'll find out soon enough.

- Not Charlie Van Rumple?

- Yes, Charlie Van Rumple.

Where is he?

- He's at the bar, we'll go get him!

(excited crowd chatter) - I've had my arm around her plenty of times before, but this is the first time I ever felt that chill September breeze.

- Congratulations old boy!

- Congratulations about what?

- Your engagement, you slug!

- What engagement?

- Why, you're engaged to Irene, aren't you?

- Am I?

- Don't be ga-ga, come on!

(laughs) (excited crowd chatter) - I hear we're engaged!

- You said it.

- Well when did it happen?

- Just now.

- What's all the excitement?

What did she say?

- I think she's got herself engaged or something.

- Oh, has she again?

It must be that nice boy in the brown suit.

Let's go and congratulate them.

This is thrilling, you're a lucky boy!

- I know I am, I'm not Van Rumple.

- Oh you're not?

Well which one is he?

- There he is.

- Oh you'll pardon me, I hope.

You're Van Rumple, aren't you?

- Oh, yes.

- Oh you'll take good care of her.

- I imagine so.

My mind's a little cloudy.

I don't even remember proposing.

- You're always proposing.

(crowd laughs) - Which one did you take me up on?

- All of them.

(crowd laughs) - How do you think Godfrey will feel about your engagement?

- What has Godfrey got to do with it?

- I wonder.

- You mind your own business!

- All right, Godfrey, let's have those.

Come on everybody, all aboard-- - Aren't you going to congratulate Irene, Godfrey?

She just got herself engaged.

- I'd be very happy to-- - [Mrs. Bullock] Godfrey!

Come congratulate Irene!

- May I congratulate you, Miss Irene?

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

(Irene sobs) (footsteps running) - [Mrs. Bullock] Just leave her alone she'll be all right in a minute.

- Is she mad at me?

- Of course not.

She's not mad at anybody.

Don't you know women always cry at their own engagements and other people's weddings.

- Why?

- I don't know why, but they just do.

(laughs) Irene is so peculiar, she shouts when she weeps and cries when she's happy.

Oh Alexander, you missed all the excitement!

- What's going on?

- Oh let me see, I knew what it was I wanted to say, but somehow it slipped my mind.

- What's the matter with Irene?

- Oh yes, that's it!

Irene's got herself engaged.

- To whom?

- I don't know, Van something or other.

I think he's that boy with his arm around that girl in pink.

He's got lots of money.

- Well he'll need it.

- Godfrey, let's you and I have a good cry.

How about lunch at my hotel tomorrow?

- Yes sir.

Do you prefer soda or ginger ale?

- Both.

12:00?

- Very good sir.

♪ (piano plays) - Will you make up your mind just WHO she's going to marry?

[Mr. Bullock] I'd like to meet the guy.

- [Mrs. Bullock] I don't know, Alexander.

It's one of those boys in there.

Come along, now.

♪ (piano plays) (Irene sobs) - You're not eating well this morning, sir.

- You notice everything.

- Business trouble, sir?

- What made you ask that?

- Well sir...butlers can't help picking up scraps of news, shall we say?

- We shan't say anything about it.

- I thought I might be of some help, sir.

I dabbled in the market at one time.

- One dabbler in the family is quite enough.

- Very good sir.

Your eggs?

- No thank you.

Godfrey...you seem to be a pretty good sort.

Have you noticed anything queer about me lately?

- Nothing particularly sir.

- I sometimes wonder whether my whole family's gone mad or whether it's me.

- I know just how you feel, sir.

I've felt that way many times since I've been here.

- Then why do you stay here?

I HAVE to.

You don't!

- It's much more comfortable than living in a packing box on the city dump, sir.

Besides, I'm rather proud of my job here.

- [Mr. Bullock] You're proud of being a butler?

- I'm proud of being a good butler, sir.

And I may add sir, a butler has to be good to hold his job here.

- Say... who are you?

- I'm just a nobody, sir.

Coffee?

- Godfrey!

Here I am.

- So you've turned up at last, eh?

I began to think you had fallen down the kitchen sink.

- Sorry I'm late, Tommy.

It's hard to make beds when they're full of people.

- Waiter!

You seem to do everything except put out the cat.

- I suppose I'd do that too, only we have no cat.

- The same for me.

What will you have, Jarvis my man?

- Make it a rousing ol' lemonade.

- Lemonade, you sure you can handle it?

- Oh yes, I'm the type who can take it or leave it alone.

You see, now that I'm a working man, I have to keep my wits about me.

- I'm beginning to wonder if you've got any left at all.

Don't avoid the issue.

I've been sitting here like a snoopy old maid with her ears flapping in the breeze, waiting to hear the dirt.

- What dirt would you like to hear?

- Well, when I wander into a Fifth Avenue asylum and see one of the Parke Parkes of Boston serving hors d'oeuvres, I think I'm entitled to a pardonable curiosity.

- Why tell you something that you won't understand?

Tommy, you've fallen off so many polo ponies that your brains are scrambled.

- But I still want to know why you're buttling when your family is telling everybody that you're in South America, doing something about rubber or sheep or something.

- A family has to say something to save its face.

You know, the Parkes disgrace very easily.

- I'd like to see their faces when they find out that you're a butler.

- They're not going to find it out.

- All right, they're not going to find it out.

But, come to the point.

- Well, there isn't much of a point.

Do you remember that little incident up in Boston?

- You still have that woman on your mind?

- No, not anymore.

But I was pretty bitter at the time.

So I gave her everything I had and...just disappeared.

You know, the Parkes were never educated to face life.

We've been puppets for ten generations.

- [Tommy] And?

- Tommy, it's surprising how fast you can go downhill when you begin to feel sorry for yourself.

And boy did I feel sorry for myself!

I wandered down to the East River one night, thinking I'd just slide in and get it over with.

But I met some fellows living there, on a city dump.

Here were people who were fighting it out and not complaining.

I never got as far as the river.

- Would you do me a big favor?

- Who do you want killed?

- I'll do my own killing.

Go around the corner and telephone this place and ask for Tommy Gray.

When you get him on the wire, keep him there.

- What's this all about?

- Don't ask too many questions.

- Okay.

- And so out of the ruins of Godfrey Parke a new edifice has sprung up in the form of Godfrey Smith.

- And I may add, the edifice is going to keep on springing.

- Do you intend to remain a butler?

- No, I have some other ideas in mind.

But... you wouldn't understand those either, so we won't go into that.

- Will you do me a favor?

- Maybe.

- I have a friend in town, a very eminent brain specialist.

I'd like him to examine you.

- I'll submit to an examination...if you will also.

- That's a bet.

(both chuckle) - Are you Mr. Gray?

- Yes.

- You're wanted on the phone.

- On the phone?

What the?

Back in a minute, Godfrey.

♪ (music plays in background) - Well, the mystery's solved.

- The mystery?

- Yes, now I know what a butler does on his day off.

When you worked for Mr. Gray, were the two of you always this chummy?

- You see, I worked for Mr. Gray a long time, and we got to be... - Yes, that was under the name of Smith, wasn't it?

Or...did I hear him mention the name of Parke?

- He may have said that we used to take long walks in the park.

A sort of custom.

- Oh yes, I see.

Well if you can be so chummy with the Grays, why can't you be chummy with the Bullocks?

- I try to keep my place.

- Why?

You're very attractive, you know.

- As a butler?

- No, as a Smith.

You're a rotten butler.

- Sorry.

- Are we going to be friends?

- I rather feel that on my day off, I should have the privilege of choosing my friends.

- You can't go on like this forever.

You really like me and you're afraid to admit it, aren't you?

- Do you want me to tell you what I really think of you?

- Please do.

- As Smith or as a butler?

- Choose your own weapon.

- You won't hold it against me?

- It's your day off.

- Very well.

You belong to that unfortunate category that I would call the Park Avenue brat.

A spoiled child who's grown up in ease and luxury, who's always had her own way, and whose misdirected energies are so childish that they hardly deserve the comment even of a butler on his off Thursday.

- Thank you for a very lovely portrait.

- Hiya Cornelia!

What are you doing here?

- Godfrey and I were discussing tomorrow's menu.

- Well don't run away.

- I'm in an awfully big hurry.

Goodbye now, I'll see you down by the ash pile.

- What did she mean by that?

- That's a little joke that we have between us.

- Oh I see, a joking butler.

What's the matter with that stuff?

Did it turn your stomach?

- I think I'll switch.

I'm more at mood.

- Now we're getting someplace!

Waiter!

Another one of these.

(soft footsteps) - He's not back yet, is he?

- Not yet.

- Would you mind putting these flowers in his room?

I can't go in there anymore.

- I can't either.

- You won't tell him they're from me, will you?

- If you don't want me to.

- Oh, I don't want him to know.

- It's his, isn't it?

Do you always sew his buttons on?

- Sometimes.

- Oh, I'd like to sew his buttons on sometime when they come off.

I wouldn't mind at all.

- He doesn't lose very many.

- Oh, he's very tidy.

- Yes, he's very tidy.

- What does he do on his day off?

- He never tells me.

- Oh he's probably sitting somewhere with some woman on his lap.

He's the meanest man I know.

- I think he's very mean.

(Irene sobs) - I suppose he's sitting somewhere with somebody on his lap who doesn't care for him at all.

(Irene sobs) As far as I know, maybe his children are there too, calling him... (Irene sobs) Calling him...oh, I can't bear it.

- Please don't... (women sobbing) - You too?

Oh Molly, I know exactly how you feel.

(both sob) (Godfrey whistles) (women sobbing) (door opens) (Godfrey whistles) (women sobbing) - Good evening.

(door closes) How about a quartet?

(women sobbing) (Godfrey grumbles) (women sobbing) ♪ (Godfrey sings) For tomorrow may bring sorrow ♪ So tonight let us be gay ♪ Tell a story... (door opens) - "Courage" she said, and pointed toward the land.

"This mounting wave will roll ashore but soon."

And the afternoon they came into a land into which it seemed always afternoon.

- Carlo!

- All around the coast the languid air did swoon.

(Irene sobs) - What's the matter darling?

- Nothing.

- She's been out in the kitchen eating onions.

- I love onions.

They make me sleepy.

- Yes, Irene loves onions.

When she was a little girl she was always stealing onions from the icebox.

You know, sometimes I wonder if my children are all there.

- And like a downward smoke, the slender stream along the cliff did fall and pause and fall to the sea.

(Godfrey whistles) (Godfrey whistles) (door opens) (Godfrey whistles) - Good evening!

(Godfrey whistles) (tray clanks down) (Godfrey whistles) - I thought I told you to send that gray satin evening dress to the cleaner.

- Gray satin?

- Why can't you do as you're told?

- With pleasure.

- Seems to me that every time you pick up a paper, somebody's been murdered or something.

Imagine a man drowning his wife in a bathtub.

- Maybe it's the only way he could get her to take a bath.

- Well if anyone ever drowned my baby in their bathtub, his mama would be very very cross, yes she would.

- Will there be anything else, madam?

- I haven't asked for anything, so I don't see how I could want anything else.

- I beg your pardon, I thought you were Miss Cornelia.

- You thought I was Cornelia?

- I hope you'll forgive me madam, but... you seem to be looking younger every day, if I may say so.

- You certainly may.

Thank you very much Godfrey.

(giggles) (sneaking footsteps) (door closes softly) (drawer slides open) (Godfrey whistles) (Cornelia's footsteps) - Did you send Godfrey upstairs for anything?

- Did I?

No, I'm quite sure I didn't.

Why?

- I just wondered.

(eating utensils clanking) - I was in the Kerry Bar today.

That place is getting all run down.

They're catering to a very low class of people.

- Well you shouldn't go in there, my dear.

Darling, what's the matter?

You're not eating anything.

- Nobody cares if I starve myself to death.

- [Mr. Bullock] What's the matter with you, Irene?

- I don't mind dying, if other people don't.

- She's in love, haven't you heard?

- It's probably her engagement.

You know, several of my girlfriends acted just like that.

It has something to do with your chemistry.

- Maybe her stomach is upset.

- Nobody asked you!

(eating utensils clanking) (crash) - There go the profits.

- [Godfrey] I beg your pardon.

- I don't know what's the matter with Godfrey.

He's been acting so peculiar lately.

But he did pay me a nice compliment!

- He's always paying other people compliments!

- Darling, why don't you eat something?

Look at Carlo... [Mrs. Bullock] He's had two helpings of everything!

- Leave her alone.

Carlo's eating enough for both of them.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Now Alexander!

- He ought to be strong enough pretty soon to give that concert.

- You can't rush genius!

- He could give a bang-up concert right now with a knife and fork.

(chuckles) - Why do you always pick on Carlo?

Why not try someone else for a change?

- Wait a minute Mother... Come here Dad, something terrible has happened.

- What is it?

What's happened?

- You look frightened, you're as white as a sheet!

- Let's go into the living room, where we won't be overheard.

- Cornelia, whatever has come over you?

What is it?

Are you ill?

Come, come, sit down here.

Let me get you an aspirin or something.

- I'm all right.

- What is it?

What's troubling you?

- Do you remember the pearl necklace I got for my birthday last year?

- Why, yes!

- What about it?

- It's disappeared.

- Maybe somebody stole it.

- Will you fill your gob full of chicken and keep out of this discussion!

- I was only trying to help!

- We don't need your help.

When did you find out about this?

- I put it on my dressing table this afternoon.

I went upstairs just now and it was gone.

- My my, and it cost such a lot of money.

- I'll say it did.

- Well what are we going to do?

- I'll go call the police.

- Never mind Dad, I've already called them.

- Oh!

- Mm-hmm.

Well, what I want to know is, when did you miss the pearls?

- During dinner I went to my room and, they were gone.

- She probably lost them, she's always leaving them around.

- Nobody asked you anything, lady.

- If you're going to be rude to my daughter, you might at least take your hats off.

- When we're on criminal cases lady, we keep both hands free!

- You mean to imply that I'm a criminal?

- All I know is that it's an inside job.

- Who's that?

- It's Mother's protégé.

- No wisecracks!

Is that your son?

- That?!

Say listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'll be hanged if I'll plead guilty to that.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Stop picking on Carlo!

- He wouldn't have time to steal anything.

He's always too busy eating.

- Who are you?

- Guess.

- Where is Godfrey?

- He isn't feeling very well.

- Who are you staring at?

- Just a minute, sister.

- If I thought that were true, I'd disown my parents.

- (chuckles) So you got a passion for jewelry, eh?

- Yes, and I got a passion for socking cops.

- Where are they?

- Most of them are in cemeteries.

- Where is the necklace?

- Maybe I swallowed it.

- You mustn't accuse Molly!

She's been with us for a long time.

- Well that in itself is some recommendation.

- Thank you, Molly!

- You're welcome.

If you don't mind, flatfoot, I'll turn down the beds.

- Who is this Godfrey?

- He's the best butler we ever had!

- Oh I'm sure Godfrey didn't take them, although we don't know much about him.

- Godfrey wouldn't touch those old pearls of yours with a fork!

- Just a minute.. What do you mean you don't know much about him?

- Well you see, we didn't get him from an employment agency.

- My sister found him on a city dump.

- Oh, I see.

- Are you accusing Godfrey?

- I'm not accusing anyone.

I only want my necklace.

- Oh, it's so silly to think of Godfrey wearing a pearl necklace.

- Where is this butler?

- He's probably in his room.

- Where is that?

- It's back this way.

(Irene yelps) That's his room over there-- - Hide 'em Godfrey!

If you've got 'em, hide 'em!

Here comes the cops!

(Irene screaming) - Hey, what kind of a joint is this?

- All right, lady.

- [Irene] Here they come!

(light switch clicks) - [Godfrey] Come in.

- Where are they?

- Where?

- That's what I said; where?

- ♪ Where oh where has my little dog gone... - Come on, snap out of it!

- I suppose you notice he's been drinking.

- He has not been drinking!

- Well I don't blame him if he has!

This family's probably got to him too.

- Do you mind if we search your room, Godfrey?

- Somebody lost?

- There seems to be a pearl necklace missing.

Do you know anything about it?

- Well, let's look for it.

That's too bad.

- It's too bad for you.

- I wouldn't be so cocksure of everything.

This is a serious matter.

- [Cornelia] Well the pearls couldn't just get up and walk away.

- She probably threw them out of the taxi like she did last summer.

- Let's look under the rug, maybe that's where I put it.

- We'll do the searching, Godfrey old boy.

- It's a pleasure.

- Oh, this is all very silly.

I can imagine a woman stealing pearls, but what would Godfrey do with them?

- Look under the mattress.

- Yes, there's a dandy place.

(lumbering footsteps) (sounds of rummaging) - [detective] Well, they're not here.

- They must be there!

- Just a minute, lady... What makes you so sure they oughta be under the mattress?

- Why I...I read that that's where people put things when they steal them.

- [detective] Oh, yeah?

- Say, what are you up to?

I'd like to talk to you boys outside for just a minute, if you don't mind.

I'm terribly sorry, Godfrey.

- [Irene] You see, I told you so.

- [Mrs. Bullock] We're all terribly sorry, Godfrey.

Come, Cornelia.

- Yah, yah, yah, yah!

(door closes) - I'm terribly sorry, boys.

I want to apologize for my family.

They're all slightly hysterical.

- Yeah, we sort of got an idea of what you're up against.

- Well now I'd like to let the whole matter drop.

She probably mislaid her necklace.

As a matter of fact, I'm not certain she ever had one.

- There's something phony about the whole thing.

- That's all a mistake.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to send a little check around tomorrow to the pension fund.

- Okay, Mr. Bullock!

Thanks very much!

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight...the whole thing's forgotten.

- Goodnight boys.

(door closes) Now just what have you got to say for yourself?

- Aren't they going to do anything about it?

- No!

And it's probably a good thing for you that they're not!

And there's something else I want to tell you.

If you don't find your necklace, the joke's on you because it's not insured!

- Cornelia lost her pearls and I've got mine!

(mocking tone) Cornelia lost her pearls, and I've got mine!

Cornelia lost her pearls, and I've got mine!

(laughing hysterically) (trucks whining & rumbling) (debris clattering) - Well, here we are Tommy.

The village of forgotten men.

How do you like it?

- Well I don't know, but would I prefer Newport.

- It's a matter of choice.

Unfortunately, these men have no choice...go on.

- I still prefer Newport.

What is that delightful aroma?

Oh, that's Old Man River.

You get used to it after a while.

- Do you mean to say that people really live in this place?

- Well, they go through the motions.

Tommy, observe the structure on your left.

(noise from trucks) That was the birthplace of the celebrated butler, Godfrey Smith.

- Where are the ashes of Godfrey Parke?

- Scattered to the winds.

- Hello, Duke...well, well!

- Hiya Mike!

How's tricks?

Meet Mr. Gray.

Mr. Flaherty.

- Mr. Gray, pardon my wet paw.

I've been washing out my lingerie.

- That's okay.

- Hey Bob, look who's here!

- [Godfrey] Hi Bob!

- Well, bust my false teeth!

- Say, thanks for the beans, Duke.

They got here just in time.

- Duke himself!

The beans was marvelous, thanks.

We ate everything but the cans!

Don't thank me, thank Mr. Gray.

He's got a corner on the bean market.

- Say, is that the same corner that prosperity's just around?

- Ha, no that's another one.

Hello, Arthur.

- Hello, Duke.

- Meet Mr. Gray, Mr. Bellinger.

You look as though you had a job, too.

What is this, an epidemic?

- Hey Mike, let's get goin'.

- Well Duke, we gotta run along.

This is moving day.

- We gotta help some of the boys move their shacks.

The dump trucks are crowding in on us a little.

We oughta be in the river by early spring.

- We might be able to float by that time.

See you again, Duke.

- Right.

- That little fellow with the bundle of wood under his arm is Bellinger of the Second National.

When his bank failed, he gave up everything he had so that his depositors wouldn't suffer.

- Not really?

- Really.

You see Tommy, there are two kinds of people: Those who fight the idea of being pushed into the river and...the other kind.

- Well after all, things have always been this way for some people.

These men are not your responsibility.

- There are different ways of having fun.

- You have a peculiar sense of humor.

- Over here we have some very fashionable apartment houses.

Over there is a very swanky nightclub... while down here men starve for want of a job.

How does that strike your sense of humor?

- What's all this leading to?

- Tommy, there's a very peculiar mental process called thinking, but you wouldn't know much about that.

But when I was living here, I did a lot of it.

One thing I discovered was that the only difference between a derelict and a man is a job.

Sit down over here and rest your weary bones.

Let me tell you what I wanted to talk to you about.

- Well I'll listen, but I still think that you belong in a psychopathic ward.

- You may be right, but let me tell you my plan... and listen with both ears.

I have an idea... ♪ (jaunty orchestral music) - Dance!

- Did you and Irene have a good time while you were in Europe?

- Oh, as good a time as anyone could have with Irene.

- You should be more civil to Carlo.

- Why?

- I don't mind, as the French say: "Cherchez la femme."

- That will hold you.

Carlo always has such a clever answer for everything.

Darling, do you want some coffee?

- No, thank you.

- She didn't eat any dinner, either.

- You had plenty.

- I can't say anything!

- You never do.

- Oh darling, what's come over you?

We spend good money to send you abroad and forget an engagement, and you're worse off than when you left.

- [Carlo] Her liver is probably upset.

- You'd better take a liver pill then.

- I don't want a liver pill.

- You mustn't get so upset about a broken engagement.

You've broken many before and you've never acted this way.

- It isn't her broken engagement.

She's upset because Godfrey didn't fall down in a faint when we got in today.

- Why should Godfrey fall in a faint?

- He didn't make enough fuss over her home- coming to suit her.

- Well, Godfrey's not the fussing kind.

Shhh!

Oh Godfrey, I was just telling my daughters that you missed them both very much while they were away.

- Oh yes I did.

Very much, indeed.

- We missed you too Godfrey, didn't we Irene?

- Yes!

- Thank you.

I missed you also.

- Well, it's so nice for everybody to miss everybody else.

Because then it makes it so nice when we get together again.

There, there, darling.

It's nice to see you cheerful.

You do have a way with you Godfrey, you really do.

- You know there's no use denying the fact that Godfrey HAS a way with him.

Well, we must be running on.

Cornelia, cheer her up like a dear.

- I'm a cinch.

Do you feel better now that you know Godfrey missed us?

- He missed me more than he did you.

I could tell by the light in his eyes.

- Why don't you throw yourself in the man's arms and get it over with?

- You can't rush a man like Godfrey.

- You're getting pretty old, you know?

It's your last chance to get a husband.

- He's really in love with me.

He's just hard to break down, that's all.

- I could break him down in no time at all.

- He wouldn't have anything to do with you.

- How do you know?

- Because he wouldn't.

Don't you try anything.

- I'm not saying I will... and I'm not saying I won't Come to think of it, Godfrey and I have a little unfinished business.

- Well you better leave it unfinished, unless you want to be wearing a lamp for a hat.

(laughs) (water running & splashing) (dishes plop in water) (dishes clang underwater) (dishes plop in water) - Did you mean it when you said you missed me?

- Oh!

Yes, of course I did.

- I mean, did you miss Cornelia and me or just me?

- Well, I missed both of you I guess.

- Well not just me?

- Oh, I may have missed you a little more than I did Cornelia, why?

- Well I'm glad, because if you missed Cornelia more, you'd probably miss me less.

- Well, that sounds very logical.

- That's all I wanted to know.

You look so cute in your apron.

- (chuckles) I'm not trying to look cute.

Molly has a cold, and I'm doubling for her.

(Irene giggles) What's funny about that?

- She hasn't got a cold.

- No?

- No, she's got the same thing I've got, only you won't let me talk about things like that so I won't because you'll lose your temper.

(Godfrey chuckles) - Well, not seriously.

- Will you let me do something if I ask you?

- Well what do you want to do?

- Wipe!

- Oh, all right.

- You can tell me all about your trip.

- You won't get mad?

- Why should I?

- Because every place I went everybody was Godfrey.

- Every...

I don't want to seem dull, but I do seem to have a little trouble following you at times.

- Well for instance, when I'd go into a restaurant in Paris or any place, I'd close my eyes and I'd say, "The waiter is Godfrey".

And I'd say, "I'm home, and he's serving me dinner".

It made everything taste better.

- Why?

- Haven't you any sense?

- I'm afraid I haven't.

- And when I'd get in a cab, ...the driver was Godfrey, and I'd say, "This is his chariot, and he's taking me up to the clouds to his castle on the mountains".

- Suppose you come down out of the mountains and tell me about your trip.

- Well, we went to Venice and one night I went for a ride in one of those rowboats that the man pushes with a stick.

Not a matador, that was in Spain.

But something like a matador.

- Do you by any chance mean a gondolier?

- That was the name of the boat, and the man that pushed it sang.

It was a beautiful song.

I didn't understand it, but it was beautiful.

- I see.

So you closed your eyes, and the man was Godfrey.

- It was wonderful!

I didn't even mind the smell.

- Well, it's very convenient to take a trip abroad without leaving the kitchen.

- Oh, you have a wonderful sense of humor.

I wish I had a sense of humor.

But I never can think of the right thing to say 'till everybody's gone home.

- Do you mind if I talk for a little bit, while you catch your breath?

- I'd love it.

- While you've been away, I've been doing some things also.

I've been trying to do things that I thought would make you proud of me.

- Oh I was proud of you before I went away!

- Yes, but I mean prouder still.

You see... you helped me to find myself... and I'm very grateful.

- You'd make a wonderful husband.

- (chuckles) I'm afraid not.

You see...

I know how you feel about things-- - How?

- Well, you're... grateful to me because I helped you to beat Cornelia... and I'm grateful to you because you helped me to beat life.

But that doesn't mean that we have to fall in love.

- If you don't want to, but I'd make a wonderful wife.

(Godfrey chuckles) - Well not for me, I'm afraid.

You see, I like you very much.

But I had a very... bitter experience.

But I won't bore you with that.

- Well maybe she wasn't in love with you.

- Well, maybe not.

However, that's beside the point.

You and I are friends.

And I feel a certain responsibility to you.

That's why I wanted to tell you first.

- Tell me what?

- Well...

I thought it was about time that I was moving on.

- Godfrey!

- Now, please.

(Irene sobs) - I won't cry, I promise.

- Well that's fine.

After all, I'm your protégé.

You want me to improve myself, don't you?

- Yes.

- You don't want me to go on being just a butler all my life, do you?

- I want you to be anything you want to be.

- Well, that's very sweet.

- When are you leaving?

- Oh, pretty soon.

But I'll call you up every now and then and... We'll have long chats.

I'll tell you how I'm getting on.

Oh, we'll have lots of fun.

- Are you going back to her?

- To whom?

- That Indian woman.

- Indian?

Oh!

(laughs) She was just a fabrication.

- Oh!

Then you weren't married to her?

- No, she was just a product of Tommy Gray's imagination.

- Then there wasn't any...?

- No!

- Then there couldn't have been five children!

- Well naturally.

(Irene laughs) That makes a difference!

(both laughing) - Yeah, that makes a difference.

Did you ring, Miss?

- You needn't be so formal when we're alone.

- Shouldn't that rather increase a butler's formality?

- But you're not a butler.

- I'm sorry if I've disappointed.

- You might drop that superior attitude for a moment.

There's a little matter I've wanted to talk over with you for quite a while called The Mystery of Me Lady's Necklace or What Happened to the Pearls?

- Pearls?

Necklace?

Oh, you mean the one that disappeared last fall?

- The same.

- Didn't that ever turn up?

- Oh yes, it turned up, but not in my possession.

I know the first part of the story, but I wondered what you know might know about the second part?

- I can't imagine.

- I know another story that might interest you too.

I met some people on the boat coming over.

A Boston family, quite distinguished.

They knew a great deal about a family called...the Parkes.

The old Mayflower crowd.

Very upper crust too, mind you.

Never been a breath of scandal connected with the family.

[Cornelia] It would be an awful shame to see them made the laughingstock of Boston, wouldn't it?

- I should hate to see anyone made a laughingstock at anyplace.

- Let's you and I take a long taxi ride out Van Cortland Way.

[Cornelia] Perhaps we could exchange secrets.

- Is that a command?

- As you like.

I'll be waiting around the corner.

- Which corner?

This one or that one?

- This corner.

It's impossible to exchange intimate secrets here.

The traffic's almost as heavy as it is at the Grand Central Station.

Don't forget Darling, 15 minutes.

(Irene sobs) - Please Godfrey, you can't go with Cornelia.

- But I didn't say I was going anyplace with Miss Cornelia-- - I know, but you will.

She always gets her own way.

She makes everybody do just as she likes.

- Why should you care whether I meet her or not?

- I do care, that's why.

Cornelia's the one who doesn't care!

- Well I think I should decide those things for myself.

- Oh Godfrey, I don't want to be annoying but I-- (Irene moans) - Oh see here, you... You can't do that.

Please, snap out of it.

Ohhh...

This is the craziest family.

(footsteps up stairs) (soft thump) Now see here!

Stop this nonsense!

Do you hear?

If you're faking one of your spells to keep me from meeting Cornelia, you're on the wrong track, you hear?

Do you hear?

(Irene moans gently) - Must be some smelling salts... (lid clicks on jar) Are you feeling better?

No?

Just a minute... (condescending tone) (light switch clicks) Godfrey knows how to take care of little Irene.

Yes, indeed.

Just lie there quietly, and Godfrey will take care of everything.

Godfrey knows just how to take care of these nasty old faints.

That's the girl.

Come right up here.

There you are.

Godfrey will soon fix Irene.

Yes indeed.

Just leave everything to Godfrey.

Godfrey will take care of everything.

Now, you just sit right down there like a good girl, and in just a minute, you'll forget that you had any trouble.

(water sprays) (Irene shrieks) I thought so... let that be a lesson to you!

- Godfrey!

Oh Godfrey, don't go away!

Oh, Godfrey...now I know you love me!

- I do not love you, and you're getting me all wet!

- You do or you wouldn't have lost your temper!

- What is the meaning of this, may I ask?

- Oh mother, Godfrey loves me!

He put me in the shower!

(squeals) - What are you talking about?

- [Irene] Godfrey loves me!

- Godfrey, I demand an explanation!

- I think perhaps madam, that I had better resign.

- Yes, I think you'd better.

That's a very good idea.

What do you think your father would say to all this?

- I don't care what anybody says.

Godfrey loves me!

- See here young lady!

You take a bath and put on some dry clothes and come downstairs immediately, you hear?

- Oh, I've never heard anything like this in my life!

(Irene shrieks and shouts) ♪ (piano playing and singing with mouth full of food) - Shut that thing off!

[Mr. Bullock] I feel gloomy enough as it is!

(piano case shuts) (paper smacks down) - Alexander, something terrible has happened!

- What?

- Godfrey pushed Irene into a cold shower.

- What's terrible about that?

And besides, he's in love with her or he thinks he is.

I can't make heads or tails out of the whole thing.

- I can't make head nor tail out of what you're saying.

- The only thing to do is send him back where he came from.

He never should have come here in the first place.

Imagine falling in love with a butler!

- If you're going to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for Godfrey.

- Alexander!

- Don't "Alexander" me!

And stop fluttering and come to rest.

I've got something more important I want to talk about.

- Now don't tell me you're going to talk about those sordid money matters.

- [Carlo] Oh, money, money, money!

- Yes I am, but before I start, I'm going to have a little talk with Carlo.

- What are you going to do Alexander?

- This is very private, it's just for Carlo's ears.

You don't mind if we have a little chat, Carlo old boy?

You know, for some time Carlo, I've felt that... (crashing & glass shattering) - What happened?

What did you say to Carlo?

- I said goodbye.

- Did he go?

- Yes, he left very hurriedly through the side window.

- [Mrs. Bullock] Well where is he going?

- [Mr. Bullock] I don't know, but he won't be back.

Now you sit down and do some listening!

- I've never seen you like this before-- - Sit down!

- What's come over you Alexander?

- You're just in time to sit down and do some listening.

- Do you want Godfrey to listen?

- Yes, I want Godfrey to listen.

This concerns him too.

You might as well all know point-blank...we're about broke.

- You mean we haven't any money left?

- Well, we've got this house, a few odds and ends, and that's about all.

Not only that, I've lost all of my stock in the Bullock Enterprises.

[Mr. Bullock] And I've borrowed some of the stockholder's money trying to recoup my losses.

I don't know where I'm going to end up.

Maybe in jail.

- Alexander!

- But if I do end up in jail, it'll be the first peace I've had in 20 years.

And I don't want any of you to chortle about Godfrey!

[Mr. Bullock] Because you may ALL end up on the city dump before you're through.

- [Cornelia] What are we going to do?

- May I intrude, sir?

I'm afraid things are not as bad as you make out.

- What do you know about it?

- Well sir, I've known for a long time that the Bullock interests were in rather a bad way.

I offered to help you once, but you declined that help.

So I took the liberty of dabbling in the market on my own account.

Here sir.

- [Mr. Bullock] What's this?

- [Godfrey] That's most of your stock.

I knew it had been dumped on the market, so I sold short.

- I don't understand... you sold shorts?

You mean gentlemen's underwear?

- Wait a minute!

You mean that you've been making money while I was losing it?

- I did it in your interest, sir.

The stock has been endorsed over to you.

- I don't understand... You did this for me?

- Well sir... there comes a turning point in every man's life.

A time when he needs help.

It happened to me also.

And this family helped me.

I hope I repaid my debt.

And I may add, some of the money went into a project of my own.

I hope you won't mind, sir.

- Do you mean that you did all that on $150 a month?

- Well, hardly.

You see, with the aid of Tommy Gray, I was able to transmute a certain trinket into gold... and then into stock and then back into pearls again.

Thank you dear lady, for the use of this trinket.

- Oh, Godfrey... then you did steal them after all!

- Well, I uh... Perhaps Miss Cornelia had better explain that.

- You win.

- What is this all about, anyway?

- I put the pearls under Godfrey's mattress.

- Thank you Miss Cornelia.

I wanted you to say that.

- [Mrs. Bullock] But why?

- You wouldn't understand, Mother.

Here Godfrey.

These are rightfully yours.

- Oh no thank you.

I repaid my debt, and I'm grateful to all of you.

- If anyone's indebted, we are after the way some of us have treated you.

- I've been repaid in many ways.

I learned patience from Mr. Bullock.

I found Mrs. Bullock at all times, shall we say, amusing?

- Oh that's very complimentary of you Godfrey, and don't forget that you said I looked as young as Cornelia.

- What good did you find in me, if any?

- A great deal.

You taught me the fallacy of false pride.

You taught me humility.

- I don't understand you.

- Miss Cornelia... there have been other spoiled children in the world.

I happened to be one of them myself.

You're a high- spirited girl.

I can only hope that you use those high spirits in a more constructive way.

And so... good day.

(pearls clatter on floor) (Cornelia sobs) - You know, I hate to see Godfrey go.

He's the only butler we ever had who understood women.

(sobbing) - Well Molly...you told me to leave my hat near the door, remember?

- I hate to see you leave, Godfrey.

- Oh, Molly you've been swell.

- The house will seem empty.

(Godfrey laughs) - Well, I guess the best friends have to part.

Will you say good-bye to Miss Irene for me?

I don't think I can go through that ordeal right now.

You're sweet, Molly.

Goodbye!

(door closes softly) (Cornelia sobs) - What is it?

What's the matter with Cornelia?

What's the matter with everybody?

Mother, what's the trouble?

- He's gone!

- Who's gone?

- Godfrey!

- Where?!

- And Carlo's gone out of the window.

[Mrs. Bullock] Everybody's gone!

- Oh Molly, has he gone?

Oh poor Molly... Well he's not gonna get away from me!

Order the car Molly, I'll be right down!

♪ (jaunty big band music) - Hello, Duke!

- Hiya Mike.

Say, business looks pretty good tonight!

- I'll say it is.

Mayor Courtney's here tonight with a big party.

- Swell!

(door shuts) - I'll have one of the boys bring these down, Duke.

♪ (jaunty big band music) - Hello, Duke.

- Well Bob, we can't complain about this!

- Complain?

Why, we got the Meriwethers here tonight!

- So I heard.

- Big stuff, eh?

(door opens) - Well this is all Greek to me!

Oh here's our wandering butler now.

Explain it to him.

- Hello, Duke.

- Arthur.

- I've got an estimate from the contractor on your housing plan for the winter.

- Yeah?

- He figures he can partition off our present buildings into compartments... take care of at least 50 people.

It'll cost $5800 but that includes steam heat.

- Forgotten men with steam.

Sounds like something that ought to be on the menu.

- I'll talk with you about it later Arthur.

(papers rustling) - Say I've still got an interest in this company; when do you start paying dividends?

- Well, we're giving food and shelter to 50 people in the winter and giving them employment in the summer.

What more do you want in the way of dividends?

- You're the most arbitrary butler I've ever met.

- Ex-butler.

- Fired?

- I quit.

I felt that foolish feeling coming on again.

- You mean Irene?

- What do you know about that?

- Well nobody knows anything about her love, except all of Upper New York and Lower Manhattan.

- Guess I got out just in time.

- Why don't you marry the girl?

- No thank you, I've had enough of matrimony.

- Well what's wrong with butlers?

Lots of society girls run away with their chauffeurs.

- Never mind about that.

- Suppose you write me out a check for $5,000?

- For what?

- A new dock.

Perhaps we'll get some of the yachting trade.

Well how about an airplane landing?

Have you thought of that?

- We'll come to that later.

♪ (jaunty big band music) (car doors close) - Say Mister, what happened to the city dump that was here?

- Well this is it, but most of it's been filled in.

- What happened to all those forgotten men?

- Forgotten men?

- Oh, we got most of them out in time.

- Don't be fresh, where's Godfrey?

- You mean Mr. Godfrey Smith?

- Yes!

- Well lady, his office is right over there where it says "office."

- Oh, just where it used to be!

Oh thank you, come on Clarence!

♪ - Say, wait a minute!

What is this a basket party?

♪ (jaunty big band music) - Good evening, Mr. Courtney.

- Good evening Miss Irene.

- Lovely evening!

- Yes!

- Good evening!

(door opens) - Well, there you are.

Business is fine.

I'm stuck, you're nuts, and I'm going back to Boston before I disgrace my family.

- Good riddance.

- Oh Godfrey, company has come.

- [Irene] Hello.

- What are you doing here?

- Yes, what are you doing here?

Don't let him off the hook.

- I won't.

- You must leave at once, do you hear me?

Well, we got rid of her in a hurry.

If I can help you in any other way, be sure and let me know.

(door closes) - Oh, my how you've fixed this place up Godfrey!

It's much nicer than when I was here before.

- Oh, you noticed that?

- Are the forgotten men having a party?

- It's their annual reunion.

- I saw the mayor out there.

Is he one of them too?

- He's the guest of honor.

- Oh, it's a lovely view!

The bridge and everything, is it always there?

- Most always.

- Oh, you have a kitchen!

I'm gonna like this place very much.

What's over here?

(door opens) Oh is this where you sleep?

- That's the general purpose of the room.

Any observations?

- Oh I think it's very cute, but we'll have to change the wallpaper.

- What do you mean "we'll have to change the wall--"?

- Oh I don't like green wallpaper.

It makes me bilious.

- Well you won't have to look at it.

You're going home right now.

- Oh but I can't go home.

- Why not?

- I can't go home after what happened.

- What happened?

- You know what happened just as well as I do.

- Now see here... you simply can't-- - Oh, go on and lose your temper!

I love it when you lose your temper.

- Why can't you let me alone?

- Because you're my responsibility, and someone has to take care of you.

- I can take care of myself.

- You can't look me in the eye and say that.

You love me and you know it.

You know, there's no sense in struggling against a thing when it's got you.

It's got you and that's all there is to it; it's got you.

(knocking on door) Oh that's Clarence!

(door opens) - I'm sorry I was delayed, Miss Irene, but I had to go all the way around the back way.

- [Irene] Well put the wood over there Clarence, that's fine.

- Hello Godfrey.

- Can put the groceries right there in the kitchen?

That's fine, thank you Clarence!

- What's the idea?

- Well I brought some wood and I bought some food.

It should last us for a week anyway.

It's a wonder you didn't have the foresight to bring a minister and license.

- It's funny, I never thought of that.

(knocking on door) - May I come in?

- Oh, Mr. Courtney!

- Mr. Gray said there were a couple of people over here who wanted to get married.

Are you it?

- Yes we're it.

Can you marry us without a license?

- [mayor] Without a...

It may get me into a lot of trouble, but I guess I've known your family long enough to take a chance.

Who are you going to marry?

- Godfrey!

Oh this is Godfrey.

- How do you do, eh...Godfrey?

- How do you do... - Does your father know about this?

- Oh everybody knows about it except Godfrey.

- Well, I guess we better have a witness.

- Oh we can use Clarence!

Clarence, you can be the witness.

Come down here.

Come and stand right down here.

That's fine, right there.

Come on Godfrey.

Right there.

- Well now, uh... join hands, please.

No the right hand!

- Oh.

Stand still Godfrey, It'll all be over in a minute.

(giggles) ♪ (orchestral music)