>> From WXXI News.

This is Connections.

I'm Evan Dawson.

Our connection this hour was made as you are scrolling through social media on your phone.

Maybe you're killing time before your next activity.

Maybe you're relaxing on your couch, but chances are much of your scrolling is passive behavior.

According to the University of Maine, the average person spent about two hours and 24 minutes on social media every day of 2025.

That's more than 67 hours a month.

Here's a question for you.

Would you be willing to take just four of those 67 hours and do something that could help someone who is feeling lonely?

A new campaign called Scroll Less Connect More asks local community members to do exactly that.

The organizers at Compeer Rochester say that taking those four hours and spending them talking with a child, an adult or a veteran experiencing loneliness could help address what some experts say is a loneliness epidemic in this country.

This hour, we explore that campaign.

We're going to talk with some of the people who are part of it.

We're also going to explore what it takes to form more Connections and community during this time of feeling so isolated and often divided.

I'd like to welcome our guests in studio now.

Sarah Passamonte is CEO of Compeer Rochester.

Welcome back to the program.

>> Thank you.

It's been a few years, I think.

>> Remind people what compare is.

>> So compare is a local nonprofit to Rochester.

We are also across the country and in some cases worldwide.

If you ever head over to Australia, the UK, this model explores recovery from mental illness through friendship and connection.

Peer support, um people helping people through their challenges.

>> It's great to have you.

Thank you for being back with us.

Next to Sarah is Stefan Hurd, who is a youth and family engagement specialist at compare.

He's a veteran.

Thank you for your service and it's nice to have you here.

Thanks for being with us.

>> Thank you Evan.

Thank you for having me.

>> Across the table.

Let's welcome Adam and Dan.

Adam Bellave is a volunteer with compare.

Welcome.

Thanks for being here.

>> Thank you for having me.

>> And Dan Ofsowitz is a participant in the campaign that we've been talking about.

And it's nice to see you, Dan, thanks for being here.

>> Thank you.

It's nice to do something worthwhile and hope it benefits another person.

>> Well, absolutely.

Well, let's let's start with this.

The CEO of Compeer Rochester, you guys are part of the reason you're here today is because we've made a lot of the loneliness epidemic.

It was the former Surgeon general, Vivek Murthy.

Vivek Murthy who declared that we are in an actual loneliness epidemic here.

What's your role?

What can we do about it?

>> So as a really 50 year running model, um, we, I think we were ahead of our time in, in seeing what elements of mental health come out and play out into your day to day life.

Why people may not leave their homes, why people may not be able to hold down a job or keep these friendships.

Um, and with loneliness sort of being the, the center of it, the isolation that can come with mental health conditions.

Um, our founder knowing that, you know, really 50 years ago in her own recovery actually from a car accident and having friends help her just through a physical, um, issue, um, over these years, we've found that the line between somebody who has a mental health challenge and somebody who doesn't is blurring, right?

So post pandemic, you know, we're all kind of going through it and, um, we just tackle this in a, in a pretty simple way by bringing people together.

So we consciously facilitate these matches.

Um, and somebody who may be struggling with, uh, you know, like I said, not being able to get out of the house or just wanting somebody to hold their hand through, through doing that for the first couple times.

Um, that's how we play that part.

And we've been doing it for so long.

So to get that, you know, you don't want to hear that it's an epidemic, but it's somewhat validating to our mission to say that this is a problem.

And, and it actually has a potential solution.

>> How many people do you serve?

>> So, um, I have to, I have to caveat, right.

Pre pandemic post pandemic, we were serving upwards of a thousand individuals between our veterans and our 1 to 1 programs.

Um, post pandemic, we're about closer to 500.

So that tells you something about, I think people's capacity these days.

>> People aren't lonely anymore.

>> Well, I wish that was the case.

>> Unfortunately, it's not.

>> The case.

Um, but I think people are spending like we just talked about a lot of time doing some of these passive activities that fill the time, um, and make us seem like we're really busy and maybe we're not as busy as we think we are.

>> Well, I have to say, the way that you and many others have put that data is kind of tough because every Sunday we get this notification on our phone like, this is how much time you spent per day.

And it always feels like it's like taunting me or making me feel bad.

Mhm.

I'm like, you're not my mom.

Phone.

Don't tell me how long, but then you think about the amount of time that you are actually spending and the choices that you're making.

And some of that's just sort of doomscrolling before bed when we should be sleeping.

But sometimes that's taking time that we could be having coffee with a friend.

Mhm.

Making a phone call or as you say, maybe volunteering or getting involved.

So tell me how you match people and what you want our audience to understand about what they would actually do if they did this.

>> Yeah.

So the first thing we do is when you inquire about being a volunteer is we ask about an age preference because we do serve children.

We serve young children, you know, five, six years old through, you know, up through adulthood.

Um, and then we, our adult program serves, you know, people of all ages.

So we want to find out, you know, do you want to link up with a child?

Do you want to do some activities with the youth or do you want to, um, have a peer?

Because all of our volunteers are adults.

We screen people 18 and over to, to do this work.

Um, but so once we get that down, the second thing is, and the most important thing are likes and interests, because that since we're facilitating this and it's sort of an intentional friendship, you've never met this person before.

You're, you know, you're going to have your first visit together and you're like, what are we going to do?

Well, let's make that a little bit easier and say, well, we know you both like to drink coffee or we know you both like to go for walks.

And it can really be that simple.

So that's really important.

We base on those interests.

It would be really nice in some ways to take the person who's been waiting the longest and give them that match when they're available, but that volunteer when they're available.

But the effort we put into the matching helps our matches last longer.

And that's what we're really here for, is for the long haul.

>> Okay, well, across the table is one of the matches, right?

>> We have Adam and Dan here.

>> All right.

So how did you you want to tell us a little bit about them and maybe how they ended up together.

And we'll talk we'll talk to them next.

>> I will speak a little bit to this.

So I've been at Compeer for 21 years.

Um, when I started at Compeer, I went to one of our holiday parties.

I was probably an intern and Dan was singing Christmas carols at our holiday party.

So Dan and Compeer go way back and probably maybe you might have me beat right?

You want to confirm that.

>> I've been around camp here quite a while and it's just been one of the most, rewarding parts of my life to have to know that there is somebody out there and around who takes their time.

For someone like me and for a program like Compeer, who can do it for others.

>> And in these outlets, let's give you 22 years in case it was right around the time that I started.

But I've watched you link up with people through the program, not only as a participant, but as a volunteer as well.

So, um, I know that Adam's not your first match through the program right now.

Adam.

I met and this is not, you know, it's it's not my full time job to recruit volunteers, but it feels like it.

So I met Adam, um, at a at Lila's, I think, who is doing our end of the end of our walk party.

And, uh, it's, you know, what do you do?

So I told him about Compeer, and I think it took a couple years, but I always tell people about it.

And then I'm like, when you're ready, you're ready.

So a lot of people be like, I don't have time for this right now.

And then one day I get the inquiry across my desk that Adam's a new volunteer.

And oh, by the way, we're matching him with Dan.

So, so that's all kind of full circle for me to actually have something to do with both of you.

>> So, Adam, when did what when was that?

When did you start volunteering?

>> Well, I, um, in this past November is actually when I reached out to compare to apply to volunteer.

>> What convinced you to, to do it?

>> Um, so like you said, I'm bartending.

I'm at Hani Ali and I'm a, I'm a social person.

I like bartending a lot.

I like, um, people.

And I just wanted, you know, I got free time for sure.

I, that I know about, you know, and, um, you know, just wanted to put myself out there and, you know, just, I think like the best way for me to volunteer would be to, you know, hang out and have some fun.

I like people and I like making Connections.

And, um, you know, it was just, just kind of worked, was meant to be.

>> I think I know that you make a good cocktail.

>> You do.

That's why, that's why I recognize you.

>> I think I do know.

>> That.

>> There it is.

>> Yeah.

>> And you get used to maybe, you know, talking to people and and hearing their stories.

But one of the things that Sarah is telling us is something that's kind of hard for me to internalize a little.

I'm curious about you.

It's easy to convince yourself you have no time for anything else in your life.

And I think for a lot of people, it's probably true.

I'm not saying this to judge, it's just that when you actually kind of like diagram it out, you go, okay, maybe I could do like an hour a week.

Could I do that?

So, you know, what was like the, the way that you thought about your own time and your own schedule?

>> Well, it was honestly, it's like, it's kind of important for me to do something other than like, you know, just like that's kind of in a volunteer that I want to, I want to be a part of the community more.

And I, um, you know, I, I'm a bartender and like, I, you know, kind of have my hobbies and whatnot, but I also spend a lot of time doing, I don't even know why, honestly, we all do.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Absolutely.

And it's, it's, you know, it's easy peasy.

You know, a couple hours, a couple hours every other week, you know, it's, it's, it doesn't change anything at all.

You know, just those couple hours left on Instagram, you know.

>> So were you nervous signing up to do this at all?

>> Do the comp here.

Yeah.

No, not at all.

>> Not at all.

No.

Okay.

And when did you meet Dan.

>> Um, so they gave me like, um, you know, some options.

They tell me about some people and I mean, it was immediately I knew Daniel, like they said, he's into music.

He likes history.

He's sings piano.

I was like, oh, that's my guy.

I'm hanging out with that guy.

And you know, it was.

I mean, right off the bat, we met each other over at, uh, where a camp here is and immediately clicked.

It was no, no time at all.

>> And from, uh, from your perspective, just give us a sense of what the weekly commitment and activity kind of looks like now.

>> I mean, we're, we're going out and having fun too.

So that's another thing is, you know, like, it's, it's not like I'm, it's not like we're doing any work.

We're going and having fun.

So we're going to, we went to the strong museum recently.

We're going to go out to get a bite to eat.

We're both big fan of Bill Grace.

Um, we, he, um, Dan's a showman here, so he's in Hochstein and I go and watch some of his concerts.

He's a really nice theme recently of traveling was one of his concerts.

So you know, we're going out and having fun.

>> And how much per week.

>> Uh, how many like.

Yeah.

How much time?

Yeah.

Oh, it's four hours a month.

So we do generally about two hours every other week.

Okay.

Yeah.

>> All right.

Um, and so Dan Ofsowitz you've, you've met a number of people in this program over the years.

Um, how's Adam?

Is he like bottom of the barrel or is he pretty good?

>> Well, I won't say anybody at camp here.

>> No.

>> I've had a ton of people who I have worked with.

The very first gentleman who I worked with was exceptionally good.

He has long since gone.

Um, he got me more involved in the community.

Um, we were quite active with camp here on TV, on the radio, et cetera.

Um, and then I had a couple of people who were kind of like fill in until.

So I have waited quite a while.

But when they got in, they found, um, Adam for me.

They found the top of the barrel like a people say on a 1 to 10 scale.

Well, I would say double plus ten.

>> Oh man.

>> I mean, that's no, it's awesome.

>> And you had Jim, you were talking about Jim your first match, right?

Yeah.

How long were you guys matched for?

>> Uh, Jim and I were matched for.

>> 15.

>> Like forever.

>> 15 years or something.

>> At least 14, 15 years together.

And, um, we went to temple together.

We went, he picked, he picked me up at work.

We'd go do things.

Um, so yes, Jim was the very first person to walk into my life.

And, um, kind of turn an empty life around.

>> Oh, wow.

>> I mean, you had some big shoes to fill.

Adam.

Good job.

>> Honestly, I mean.

>> Like, top rating.

>> But Adam is doing Adam is quite well.

He's, uh, he's punctual.

He's on time.

Um, he makes sure he, when he parks, I can get out of the car safely or up onto the curve if necessary.

He makes sure everything is just safe sound in there.

>> Well, I mean, and I it's it's a, it is a great story.

And, um, I take Adam's point.

I mean, it doesn't feel like work.

He's not going to the mine here.

He's hanging out with a pretty cool guy developing a real relationship.

Um, Adam, how long do you think you I mean, you're going to do it for the foreseeable future, right?

>> Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Yeah.

No, Khamenei having fun.

So we're buddies now?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> It's great.

Um, Dan, can I just ask you a little bit?

I mean, having now done this for a number of years and building these real relationships, um, you know, there's a lot of people who haven't gotten in touch with Compeer who maybe would benefit and are truly feeling lonely, are truly feeling isolated.

How often do you feel like you are lonely?

Does that ever happen?

Do you ever feel isolated?

>> Um, most of the time I am pretty good with what goes on.

There are times where I feel kind of lonely, kind of like an outcast.

Do I really fit in?

Mhm.

But then I remember some of the people with whom I work with as a volunteer and know that they're at least one gentleman whose life is quite lonely.

Um, I meet with him once or twice a month.

I've actually got three people with whom I work, um, two with whom I do more physical stuff.

One gentleman quite nice, um, where we are just phone buddies and that makes it.

Well, that makes it work too, as long as you're there for the other person.

>> Well, uh, I think it's a great story and, um, I just, you know, there are a lot of people hearing Adam who had to take some time and decided in November, you're going to do this.

So for people who are looking at their own calendars going, I, I don't know if I've got the hour, a week or two hours every other week.

What do you tell them?

>> I mean, I think we all have that extra hour a week for sure.

No problem at all.

You know, we're, there's so many passive things that we're doing all the time that you can literally give up just, you know, it's, it's, we all have it.

There's something, you know, whether it is scrolling or, you know, just darling or whatever.

Yeah.

>> Um, what are you guys doing next?

Adam and Dan, do you know.

>> Um, our next outing slash adventure.

If Mother Nature holds up with the weather will be Saturday at the farmer's market.

Public market?

Um, we'll go walking around, we'll look at things.

We'll probably shower down there.

Um, we have gone to strong museum.

Um, we're going to go walking around Genesee.

Valley Park.

We'll go walking around the zoo, et cetera.. >> Oh that's great.

>> So, um, like I say to a coworker at work, never a dull moment, never a dull day.

>> Yeah.

That's great.

I mean, look, don't hold me to it.

I think your forecast for Saturday is pretty good.

I think it's starting to get much better this weekend.

Um, and I, I also wanted to ask Adam if you were the type of person growing up, you know, did you?

Some people are really tight with all their family.

Some people get really tight with grandparents.

Were you that type?

I mean, were you the outgoing type who kind of built those relationships across generations sometimes?

>> You mean like as a kid was I like, um, I mean, as a kid I had it was a very tight family.

We were very loving family.

Um, but I was a shy kid.

I, you know, I kind of got out of my shell more around the high school time period and was became much more outgoing.

And I think as in my bartending career made me even more outgoing of a person.

For sure.

>> I it sounds cliche to ask, but I want to ask you what you've learned from this experience so far since November.

>> What I've learned from this experience.

Um, I mean, you know, I think it's just rewarding to put yourself out there and be a part of the community.

I think it's necessary to, you know, I think it's necessary for all of us to do or as people we're, you know, a community.

So it's just, you know, part of life.

>> I do wonder if as a bartender, you actually kind of have you're using the muscle of just conversation and interaction more.

I, I bring this up because human beings in general are a little more insular with the phones.

Um, we are spending less time together coaching kids and youth sports.

I have to tell them like, make eye contact when you go through the handshake line, like, look people in the eye.

Yeah, they're sometimes kids like in the dugout, like, get off a phone.

You know, we are a little more, we're struggling.

And especially since the pandemic, I mean, like, I do think to Sarah's earlier point, we're quote unquote, back to normal five years later, but we're kind of in the uncanny valley.

Is this normal kind of feeling.

And how do you, you know, sort of notice?

Is there anything that you've noticed about social skills pre and post pandemic as a bartender, or are people still pretty social, pretty active?

Um, are they on their phones a lot at the bar?

>> Yeah, the phone is a huge thing.

I mean, I, you know, started to keep bringing it back to that.

But I think that because we're all becoming more in tune with the phone, we're, you know, we also have our online lives that I think is becoming a little bit more hard to socialize or it's like almost a bigger learning curve, except especially for like, you know, younger generation.

But when I'm at the bar, honestly, it's, I mean, people are kind of going out are social people for the most part.

And yeah, definitely a lot of a lot of phone, a lot of, you know, any sort of like, um, quiet moment, someone's on their phone.

It's an easy one.

I do it all the time if I'm waiting or whatever.

So I see.

>> That that's different than being in a group of people sitting at a bar and you're still on your phone for an hour.

Yeah, that's what I don't get.

But I'm not saying everybody does it, but to me, it's like this.

You go to a concert and you're shooting it with your phone so you can remember later the experience that you will not actually have right now.

>> No, I'm against that, you know.

>> So anyway, um, so okay, all of this relates to it compares campaign, which is why we're here today.

When they reached out, we thought this is a really, really good fit.

And in a moment we're going to talk to Stefan and we're going to talk to Jerry about, you know, not only their status as veterans, but the veteran and family program.

And, you know, how veterans especially, um, can feel isolated and lonely.

But if you're listening to the conversation, particularly between Adam and Dan and you're thinking you might want to do this, Sarah, how do people do it?

>> Go to Compeer Rochester.org is the easiest way.

We have our volunteer click to volunteer.

Pretti front and center.

Um, we also have some, um, outdoor advertising.

Um, so you might see a QR code around the community for scroll up.

Scroll Less Connect More, uh, links you right to our website to do a short form inquiry.

And then one of our coordinators get in touch with you to set up the rest of the process.

Um, it's very professionally led.

So if you feel like you're not really sure what it's about, but you just want to learn a little bit more or maybe go through even some of the steps of the process and see what it's about.

We make it very easy.

Everything's done one on one, so you don't have to come to a group orientation that only happens once every two months or anything like that.

We onboard in real time because we need people that quickly.

Right.

>> Well, how many volunteers could you take tomorrow?

If, if, if you had them.

>> We could take we we need about 100 to meet the demands of the waiting list.

Now, you know, I would love to get 100 inquiries.

Um, our our coordinators could probably handle that over time.

Um, but we, we're looking to, to, to build our, what we call caseloads, you know, back up since those pre-pandemic days.

And everybody is ready.

So our staff are more than ready to welcome you into this program and get you through the process.

>> Sarah.

When Dr.

Vivek Murthy, the former U.S.

Surgeon general, came out and actually declared it a loneliness epidemic, did you think that that was too strong or did you think, no, that's correct.

>> No, I think that's correct.

And I think that it's it's been an issue for a long time, but just brought to light through the pandemic, when people maybe didn't have their, um, traditional channels to, to have those outlets.

Like to your point about even just going out and stopping at a bar, I mean, how many people may have been doing that, you know, pre-pandemic, just like that is my social, I'm going to get, you know, some I might not.

>> Even my.

>> Third place, right?

Like we.

>> Gotta.

Have third place.

>> Yeah.

And so once that's eliminated, where are we going?

Well, we're just going to stay home and, and, you know, we're, we're knocking it a lot.

But I think there is connection that happens through social media.

There is connection that happens on your phone.

You're texting somebody.

We a texting phone buddies program.

So we know that there is merit to connecting through, you know, there's some merit to connecting if you can't be in person.

Some people can't do in-person work.

So that's to that effect.

It's not all bad.

>> I mean, that's the caveat.

And we should give the caveat because some people really need that kind of digital connection.

And, and some people really find community that way.

>> Yes.

And they and some people were probably saved massively.

The fact that that was available during the pandemic.

>> So acknowledge that.

Absolutely.

While also acknowledging that for most of us, the phone is, is a time suck and it is sometimes a relationship deteriorating.

And, um, you know, during the pandemic went back and watched, remember those pandemic days, watched all of cheers all the way through all of cheers.

And it was amazing to watch a 1980s sitcom based in a bar where everyone is just talking all the time.

Some one of the regular characters walk in and say, hey, everybody, and everybody turns and they're like, oh, it's Frasier, oh, it's Cliff, and they've got something to say.

And everyone listens.

And it was like, well, that's kind of their social network, but they did it in person and they built relationships with people in person, and they actually knew who those people were.

They weren't like some faceless form online.

And it's just so different now.

It's it, it, it is that show more than any other.

I watch and go.

>> Oh.

>> The world is not that way anymore.

I mean, it's just no.

And we need the third places.

I mean, Adam probably sees it as as a bartender, you need a third place that feels like home, work and where else?

What is a normal place where people might know me or I might know them.

I can feel comfortable.

I can spend time.

Maybe I'm reading a book there, but maybe I'm meeting people for coffee or a beer or a cocktail.

Third place is matter, don't they?

>> It's very important.

I think they're necessary for sure.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Just working home.

That's, you know, you need a third place.

>> Dan, what's your happiest place?

That's not home.

>> Uh good question.

Um, I think my happiest place.

That's not considered home.

I would, I would say, um, either camp here or Hochstein where I go to school.

I have been Hochstein student for 20 years.

>> Plus.

That's great.

That's wonderful.

>> That feels like home.

I wish sometimes I could be a little bit happier at work, but like the old saying, you don't like everybody, not everybody likes you.

>> Just read, read my email, man.

I can tell you.

That's exactly right.

Um.

But I'm glad that you feel at home at Hochstein, and I'm glad that you feel at home at camp here.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> I mean, those are important and powerful pulls for you.

Um, Adam, what's what's the third place for you?

I mean, when you're not working and when you're not at home, where are you?

>> Oh, I'm out and about for sure.

I actually just moved into a Irondequoit.

Randy Stone Park is over there.

I absolutely love Darryn Peterson Park.

Taking the bike out.

Honestly, um, going out to neighborhood bar up at Shamrock Jack's is awesome.

You know, just for social hour.

>> That's great.

Well, what we're going to do is we're going to take our break and we're going to talk to Stefan and Jerry on the other side of this about, um, the perspective on working with veterans and what veteran and family needs.

There are Compeer Rochester is going to share with us.

So we'll share with you in our show notes information so you can get hooked up with this kind of a program if you want to get involved.

It is Scroll Less Connect More.

They could take another 100 volunteers tomorrow if you wanted to do it.

And what you're hearing from Adam is, yeah, it's Dan says the same thing.

Absolutely worth it.

Probably got more time than you think to do it.

If you if you want to sit down and pencil it out, we'll come right back and continue the conversation.

Next.

I'm Evan Dawson Wednesday on the next Connections.

In our first hour, a congressional delegation is just back from Cuba, and they write in the New York Times that the American sanctions on the Cuban energy grid and the economy are devastating, and a possible invasion would be worse.

We're going to talk to members of the Cuban diaspora here in Rochester.

And then our second hour, the move to include podcast, talking about disparities in health care.

>> Support for your public radio station comes from our members and from Mary Cariola, center, proud supporter of Connections with Evan Dawson.

Believing an informed and engaged community is a connected one, Mary cariola.org.

>> This is Connections.

I'm Evan Dawson so in the seat that Sara Passamonte held, it's the CEO of Compeer Rochester.

Well, Jerry is not being promoted to CEO.

He's just taken her seat for the moment here.

He's a youth engagement specialist at Compeer Rochester and a veteran himself.

Pull that microphone real close to you, Jerry.

Nice to see you.

Thank you for being here.

>> Thanks for having me.

>> So Jerry and Stefan, both veterans, Jerry, tell us a little bit about the terms of your service as a veteran.

87 to 91.

It was.

>> 1987 and 1981.

I was active duty from 87 to 90.

I was stationed in Germany as a military police officer.

I got out of active duty, went National Guard out of a unit out of Buffalo, 206th MP company.

We got activated for the Gulf War.

>> My dad was an MP.

>> Okay.

>> Before your time, uh, appreciate your service.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

And Stefan Hurd your service 2010 to 2018.

Is that right?

>> Yes, sir.

>> Tell me about your service.

>> Um, I was I was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia during our Iraqi freedom.

Um, did three deployments, uh, decommissioned the USS enterprise in 2013 after my first two deployments got stationed on the USS George H.W.

Bush, which are both aircraft carriers, left Virginia after my third deployment.

Went to I got stationed in, uh, southern Maryland, really small.

Um, was there until 2018.

So then I got out, I did, I was a aviation boatswain's mate, launching and recovering equipment.

So I launched and recovered aircraft on aircraft carriers and at the test site and, um, Maryland.

There you go.

>> Very good.

Well, thank you for your service as well.

Uh, and it's great to have both of you guys here because your perspectives, you didn't serve at the same time.

You know, you're probably not exactly the same age, but, you know, um, you can speak to what it is like to, to understand what veterans are going through.

So let me start with you, Jerry, on this aspect here.

Um, you know, we read a lot about isolation among veterans.

You're working for camp here.

I mean, you're very well versed in that idea.

How are you doing personally, before we get into the work that you do?

>> I'm doing great.

>> You're doing great.

Doing great.

Okay.

And do you feel as a veteran, do you know fellow veterans who are not doing great?

>> Yes I do.

Um, about a year and a half, two years ago, uh, former gentleman I served with reached out to me.

You know, a lot of us stay in contact.

And, uh, he lives out in the Midwest.

I believe he's in southern Indiana.

He reached out.

He goes, oh, I got a buddy this.

And he goes, he's having a tough go of it.

He goes, he just needs someone to talk to.

And he goes, by any chance he goes, do you know where Hilton New York is?

And I'm like, yeah, I live in Hamlin.

I go, I'm the next town.

>> Over right next door.

>> So we connected.

Wow.

And, uh, he was, he was having a rough go, but he's doing great now.

Um, you know, just, you know, as they say, life took over for him.

And there were, you know, the stressors of life.

And he didn't have a lot of a lot of family, a lot of close family.

And we were able to make a connection.

And I actually got him to join my VFW out in Hamlin.

And so, and he's made some friends there and some Connections there.

>> What do you think he needed most?

>> Just the connection of other people who've experienced some of the same experiences he had, because there's things as a veteran and stuff, I can probably attest to this too.

There's things that people who have never served don't understand.

>> Give me one.

>> Just the isolation, being away from family.

You know, when I left in 87, I got to come home right after during the the the middle of my training because of the holidays and the base closed down.

And then after I went back, I didn't come home again until summer of 89.

So I was away from my family for almost two years.

>> What is going home like when you've been away that long?

>> It's weird because everyone's lives have all been going and you're still from when you first left.

>> And you've missed some stuff.

>> Because I left right after high school graduation, you know, one of my friends went to college or, you know, started their careers and there's, yeah, you know, their life kept going and mine not, not that my life didn't keep going, but my life here in Rochester.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Got hit.

Pause.

>> How were you able to by 90, 91.

How were you able to get back in a rhythm of life then?

>> Um, I luckily I have a great group of friends.

I have a group of friends that I've been friends with since fourth grade.

We all still get together, you know, here and there.

Of course, with family and, you know, life.

We don't see each other as much as we'd like to, but.

>> They helped with your transition back.

>> Mhm.

And family.

I have a very close knit family.

That's good.

Um, we moved here from Detroit when I was nine.

And, you know, because my dad worked for Kodak, we moved here, and my whole extended family still back in Michigan.

So we had each other.

And then we had to form our own family here.

>> But that was at a time when.

So we're going to get Stefan's story in a second.

Stefan finishes in 2018 when the world is fully digital and everybody, every you know, everybody in every kid's got a phone.

You came back from service 90, 91.

And that was a very different time.

And I wonder what the dynamic feels like when you work with veterans now, because I, I appreciate the point that Sarah was making earlier.

We should always remember there are certain tools, digital tools that are helpful, sometimes life savers for people who need them.

But sometimes you can be convinced that a phone, a social media scroll is community.

And it might not be real community.

It might not be what you need.

And I wonder if you think on balance, it would have been easier to come back in a world where we didn't ever have a phone in their pocket, and social media versus now.

>> My personal opinion.

>> Yeah.

>> Go ahead.

The cell phone is the greatest and the worst invention ever.

>> Yeah.

>> It's I watch my youngest is 17.

Well, we'll be 17.

Yep.

And I watch her and her friends when she's visiting with her friends.

They're sitting five feet from each other and they're texting each other.

It's like, put your phones down and talk to each other.

>> What do they say when dad says that?

>> They look at me like I'm crazy?

Or my one daughter, when she first started a new job, when she was 18, she came home from work all upset.

I'm like, what's wrong with you?

She goes, we're not allowed to have our phones at work.

I'm like, okay, welcome to adulthood.

And then as time progressed, she moved up the ladder.

She became an assistant manager, and she used to come whenever I'd see her, all she would do is complain about all the employees being on their phones all the time.

>> Well.

>> And I'm like, so you see the other.

>> Side are you see?

So so in general, it can help, but it can for veterans, you fear it can also further isolate them.

>> A little bit.

Yeah.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> But it is nice to have that immediate connection if you're able to, if you can't get out and oh, like I said, positive and negative.

>> Stefan, how are you doing these days?

>> I'm doing all right.

Doing all right, I can't complain.

>> Do you have colleagues that you serve with who are not doing all right?

Uh.

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I have a couple, um, we talk, uh, I have a buddy that he doesn't stay.

He stays maybe like a few hours away from here in Connecticut.

And when I talk at least weekly, um, you know, he's a he's in a very high stress situation with, uh.

Not necessarily his job, but with the town that he serves in.

Um, because he's a councilman out there.

Uh, so, you know, it's between me and another guy that, you know, we actually keep in touch, like we'll get on a three way call and just talk to each other, make each other laugh, have a good time.

Um, you know, to get us out of that if we are in that Rutte right to get us out of that rut, to bring us back to reality, we address whatever problems that we have, talk about it, and then move on from it, right?

Figure out a solution, move on.

>> So similar to what Jerry talked about, your friend needs to be able to have that person to person connection at some point.

Yeah.

>> Yeah, yeah.

And it's, and it's mainly, uh, like a trust thing as well, right?

Because not everybody just goes to tell everybody's business, right?

It's, you know, I'm not going to go tell the next guy that I just meet out on the street.

Everything about me is I have to, I have to have that trust with you.

Right.

And that's where a lot of that falls back on where we actually trust each other.

We've gone into other countries together.

We've watched each other's back while we were deployed.

Um, you know, things like that.

>> So what do you think the non veteran public doesn't fully understand about what veterans go through?

Um, when they, especially when they return to civilian life.

>> So it's similar to what Jerry said, right?

You leave, you go on deployment, you're gone for, you know, seven months to a year, maybe longer, right?

Depending on what's going on over there.

Um, you come back, everything's different.

Your kids are older, they're bigger.

Um, you've missed out on a lot.

Birthdays, school dances.

Um, pictures, holidays, things along those lines.

Um, where as if on the civilian side of things, you have that 9 to 5 that, that, that comfortability to go home at the end of the day, right?

You can pull up in your driveway, um, go inside to see your family, hug your family each and every day.

Whereas for us, it's either an email, a piece of mail or a phone call, right?

Uh, and it's, and, you know, if anything's too bad going on, right?

You're, you don't even get to have that connection with the outside world.

It's just you have to hold each other, you know, hold each other close, like, you know, like you would your siblings.

So that's what makes another really tight connection because you go through the thick of it with one another.

And then that's, you know, you build that, that, that relationship with one another.

>> So I want you both to tell me about what you do at camp here.

I'll start with you, Stefan.

Tell me about what you do.

>> Uh, I'm a youth family parent and, uh, youth, family and veteran peer.

>> So that means what?

Take us through a little bit of what you do.

>> Um, I, I work with, I work with the youth.

I also work with families.

Um, and I do so I also from the veteran peer side of things, um, it's veteran supported recovery peer.

I help veterans navigate the veteran affairs, uh, system, help them find like resources the same as it is with families and youth, help them find a system with finding resources, you know, showing them that, hey, you know, it's okay.

We make mistakes, right?

Uh, and that's where a lot of a lot of parents, veterans and youth, they're so afraid of being judged by their peers or other people that they're afraid of making the mistakes.

So finding that, finding them to help them, you know, just giving them that being their cheerleader in a sense, right?

Giving them that push like, hey, you know, I'm here with you.

You're not by yourself, right?

We can talk it through.

We can practice it.

And when it's game time, it's time to lock in.

Let's, let's get it done.

Right.

Um, so that's, that's essentially what, what it is that I do.

>> How much more credibility do you have because you served.

>> Um, I don't really throw that out there.

>> I don't know.

>> I don't throw that out there.

No, a lot of I don't, um, unless someone asks or if I'm wearing like my, like my, my polo or my hoodie or my vest, nobody really knows that I served.

I just.

>> But you feel like you can relate, especially to the veterans you serve better.

>> I both I, I can say is both because, uh, a lot of the families and youth that I've served, right, I've grew up and, you know, growing up as, as a middle child, right?

The middle child is always have the worst.

So I grew up as a, I grew up as a middle child.

So, you know, I can I can relate to, you know, some of the teenagers and what they may struggle with or even the kids.

I can understand where they come from.

Um, and, you know, growing up in a family where my mom had to have two jobs and it was seven of us getting raised together.

Um, you know, in mind you, I was raised in Florida, so, um, I can relate to the families and how a struggle may look and, you know, how it may be hard for them to pursue certain things because they may have to work two jobs, a single parent household where the moms working two jobs and the kid is like, well, I don't get enough attention now the kids are out doing something crazy.

Um, and as far as veterans, you know, I can understand, I can sympathize with them because I can understand what it feels like to be alone.

>> So well.

So let me ask, uh, Jerry Grimshaw about the work that you do.

Describe what you do for Compeer.

>> Um, I'm a youth engagement specialist, so I work with some young kids, and then I'm also in the program, the vets driving vets.

So driving veterans to appointments, take them shopping, just a bunch of different stuff.

Um, met some amazing veterans and you know, you get to hear their stories and a lot of them are a lot of our vets are Vietnam era.

Yeah.

Um, but there are some that are younger than me.

I'm mid mid 70s, mid 50s.

And, uh, you know, I, we do have some vets that are younger than I am.

Um, but they're the stories you hear, but then working with the kids, there's just when you see we do a program on Wednesday nights, youth probation and these seeing these kids just be able to be kids, you know, because they're.

>> How old Jerry.

>> The youth probation between.

>> 12 to 16.

Yeah.

12 to 17.

>> 12 to 17.

Yeah.

And we do just we try to give do activities with them that they normally wouldn't do.

You know, last year before Halloween, we painted pumpkins and these kids probably have never done it and they were in heaven.

You know, you get to see them just like one young lady I talked to.

And she said, she goes, I get to come here and be a kid.

She goes, I get to turn it off.

I don't have to be who I am on the streets.

Yeah.

You know, they just come.

They come there and they're allowed to be a kid.

Mhm.

Yeah.

>> Excuse me.

That's a powerful point.

You're nodding over there.

You want to add to what do you hear from the kids that you serve about what they're getting out of this experience?

>> So adding on to what Jerry was saying about the youth probation kids is, you know, a lot of them are unfortunately, like just brought up in a certain environment where they have to be hard body all the time, where they have to be tough and they can't, you know, when, whenever, like, even when, if it's not the youth probation kids, when I'm working with my youth that live in that environment, right?

I get, I pull them out of that, show them that it's something different, right?

And they get to enjoy themselves, take them to the clubhouse, take them to burger, right?

It's I mean, that's a staple out here.

Uh, you have the, the YMCA where, you know, that we take them to, they go out and play basketball.

Right?

And it's just like they, they come out when they, when they're, when we're done with it, with whatever activity we're doing, the smile and the man, when can we hang out again?

And, you know, da da da da da.

Now, now you start to see a change in this kids lifestyle where maybe in school, they were having a hard time, right?

They weren't making the best of grades.

Well, now, you know, the teachers are telling the parents like, hey, uh, such and such is doing such an amazing job.

Grades are coming up.

I don't know what's going on, but, you know, it's really working.

And, you know, you just, it's just like, it's one of those things where it's like a self rewarding, rewarding feeling for us.

As you know, all of us, you know, all of us where, where the, the, the little, the little things make the biggest difference, yeah.

Right.

Um, being able to talk to them on the phone, right.

Parents feel comfortable.

And that's why that's another thing with technology, right?

The parents feel comfortable enough for them to have the one on one conversations with us.

And so they'll call if they're going through a hard time and you give them coping mechanisms whenever they may have an anxiety attack, whenever they may be going through depression, you know, whenever they may just struggle just with anything.

Um, you know, just calling, just being the, the ears that they want to, that they need to be heard from.

>> So let me ask both of you an extension of that point.

These are 12 to 17 year olds, right?

Yeah.

>> Sometimes younger.

>> And so they, they go through anxiety attacks.

They've had often hard lives.

And they will call you guys.

Yeah.

Because they need to be able to talk to someone that they trust.

>> Absolutely.

>> What's going on that they can't get that from peers or people around them.

>> Uh, so when it comes to being able to call us maybe mom or dad is busy at work.

Um, so the next best person they'll call is us, right?

You know, we build that bond, we build that relationship, that rapport to where the parents are receptive to their kids talking to us one on one.

Or, you know, if they're going through a bad enough time, we'll just sometimes we might just drop what we're doing and just go over there and, you know, get the kid out of the house.

Maybe parents don't have a vehicle to get the kid out of the house.

Um, it's, you know, it's, it's multiple, multiple things that can harbor that child from being stuck.

Maybe they live in a bad neighborhood and they're just going through anxiety.

They see something walking home from school or getting off the bus, and they just want to get away.

And they can't, right?

They can't rely on public transportation because they don't trust it.

They don't rely on Uber because they're young.

And, you know, the parents don't trust everybody with their kid, right?

So the next, the next person they're going to call is they're going to call, their, you know, their, their, their care team, essentially.

And the care team that they actually trust and they have a bond with the people that they see every week, sometimes multiple times out of the week.

Right.

Um, it's just having that relationship and showing them that, hey, you know, it's, you have somebody that you can talk to.

>> Jerry, do you feel the weight of responsibility that they need somebody and, and may not be around them in their orbits or they're calling you.

>> A little bit?

I'm, I'm newer to the program.

I've only been with comp here since the end of September last year.

And, uh, you know, so Stefan definitely has more experience.

And with the life I had prior to joining comp here, it's night and day.

It's I was on the other end.

I worked law enforcement for 30 years.

Um, but comp has opened my eyes to a lot of new things and, but these kids, like my wife even said it, she goes, she goes, I see something different in you when you've worked with these kids.

Um, one of my, one of the young children I work with is, um, she's being a challenge, but her mom still, she's young enough to where she doesn't have her own phone.

So all communication goes through her mom, but she'll text me from her mom's phone.

Hi.

It's me.

When am I seeing you again?

>> I mean, but that's awesome.

>> You know?

>> And same with the little the little boy, the.

The older boy I work with, he's he's doing great.

And so now it's more him and I go to the Y, shoot the baskets and work on what he needs to work on.

Um, but I, I'm having so much fulfillment from it and it's opened my eyes to a lot of stuff that I would say.

I looked at.

Side eyed for 30 years.

>> In law enforcement.

>> Yeah.

I mean, because unfortunately, you get a certain perspective working in that and you get soured against certain things.

>> And you're often in law enforcement.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You're seeing people on maybe their worst day.

>> I definitely was because I worked in the jail for 30 years.

>> Okay.

And so, but you may not always have the backstory on how somebody got to her.

>> Exactly.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> And I was lucky.

I with how I grew up and stuff, I was a little open minded compared to some other people.

And I used to always tell the, the new deputies when I trained them, you're no better than them.

You're no better than the people we watch.

Sure.

Because we've all done something in our life that could have ended up in one of those cells.

Mhm.

So.

But this cop here, I've.

I've fallen in love with it.

I, I said I was never going to work again.

And then I was driving my wife nuts at home and she goes, you need to find a job.

And I found vets driving vets and it's I've gone from there.

>> Really, really great stories.

Um, it's been a very, very powerful hour here.

Stefan, how long have you been with comp here, by the way?

>> Um, two and a half years.

>> Okay.

Gonna stay there?

Yeah.

You found your fit?

>> Yeah.

Yeah.

I was the same as Jerry when I originally applied for comp here.

It was for vets.

Driving vets.

Um, so a little bit about myself and, uh, got a call back before I even made it to my car.

Hey, we might have another position for you.

All right.

Cool.

All right, let's set up another interview.

When?

Next week.

All right.

Go in there, do the interview.

And that's why I got hired as a youth and family engagement specialist.

And.

Yeah.

>> Well, earlier this hour, we heard Adam and Dan's awesome story.

You heard Sara Passamonte, the CEO of Compeer Rochester say that they need volunteers.

And I want to close by asking Stefan, you know, in your two and a half years there, you're obviously working with kids who really need you.

Yeah.

Um, adults who really need you.

Yeah.

And, you know, it's easy for us all at times to be judgmental of others.

What have you learned in two and a half years about judgment?

What would you want to leave with our audience?

>> Uh.

>> You can't really pass judgment on other people, despite what they may be going through or what they may have going on at that time.

Um, you know, uh, I'm a non-judgmental person by all means, right?

I don't judge anybody based on their situation, based on their lifestyle.

You know, I just hope that whoever is going through whatever finds the best way to get through that, whatever.

Um, so if there are people that are judging, I mean, I don't, it's a waste.

Don't waste your energy worrying about being judged.

Mhm.

Allow those people to waste their energy to try to judge you.

Um.

Yeah.

>> That's not to say, by the way, that, uh, there's, there's freedom from consequences.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> There have to be.

There's a difference between consequences and judgment and judgment.

I mean, it is in a separate category.

And what you all have done this hour, um, is to remind us that, um, everyone's got a story.

Everyone's got something.

Everyone needs something.

Sometime.

And, um.

And sometimes, you know, what you need might be something like comp here.

So we'll have a link on our, our show notes.

If people want to either get involved, they want to learn more about the Scroll Less Connect More campaign that's going on.

If you want to volunteer, if you want to ask questions about volunteering and tell Sara Passamonte you're not ready yet, but someday she's going to tell you you're ready, and then you're going to be like, well, Adam Bellave, when you're ready.

And I want to thank all of our guests for being here.

Sarah.

Thank you.

She's over in the chair here because we've had a full, full studio.

Um.

Adam Bellave.

Dan Ofsowitz.

Thanks for telling your story, guys.

>> Thanks for having us.

>> Thank you very much.

And thank you.

Stefan Hurd and Jerry Grimshaw for telling your stories as well.

Thank you guys.

>> Thank you for.

>> Having us.

Great having you.

From all of us at Connections.

Thanks for finding us.

Thanks for being with us on the public square here.

And we are back with you tomorrow on member supported public media.

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