- Hello, I'm Nina Conti, I'm a ventriloquist and this is my main puppet, Monkey.

- How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

- [Nina] Now Monkey and I do lots of comedy clubs and TV shows and whatnot, but by day he's a real hit with my kids.

- Yeah, I'm down with the kids.

(kid giggles) - [Nina] At the risk of sounding worthy, I thought I should be doing something more important with this skill.

- You mean more important than entertaining drunk adults?

- [Nina] Yeah.

I wanted to help kids somewhere.

But I didn't know how.

Until I saw this film about a hospital clown who worked in Denmark, and this was very inspiring to me.

He was able to transform a worrying hospital experience into a fun ride so much of the time.

You should be doing that kind of work, Monkey.

You could make a real difference to children.

They totally invest in your reality, and you could have fantastic conversations with them.

Why aren't you doing that instead?

- Ask yourself that question.

- [Nina] So I met Ewan, and I asked him if there was training for this kind of work.

And he put me onto the Theodora Children's Charity who I could audition for to work as a hospital clown in this country.

But I couldn't understand why "clown" exactly?

What is it about clowns that are good for this work?

- They're transparent.

You get to see their emotions.

You get to follow their confusion and their stupidity.

You go into this white world with your brushes flying, like a sort of, you know, a Pollock painting, you know, it's just splashes.

You leave these splashes and trails all over the place, but on people.

- So it seems like the most practical and the most safe way to get Monkey into the hospitals is for me to train to become a clown first.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

(upbeat music) - [Nina] So I'm going into a children's hospital to watch a Giggle Doctor in action for the first time.

I'm a little anxious but I'm curious to know if this kind of work can be done by Monkey and me.

I'm with Suzy, who's a Giggle Doctor.

They used to be known as clown doctors, but the name was changed because it was felt the word "clown" was affecting fundraising.

So why did you choose the name Dr. Dovetail?

- I want something relating to flight- - [Nina] Right.

- but then I also thought I wanted to have something really pretty.

Because that, this situation we're in out there is hard, and you have to be quite strong and tough, and I wanted something a bit, that went against that, I suppose.

- Yeah, yeah.

(Suzy mimics airplane buzzing) - [Suzy] Ow.

I can actually fly, you know.

(child giggles) - You're not a bird.

- Yeah, yeah, I am a bird.

Yeah, yeah, look, I've got wings and everything.

- [Boy] Okay.

Five- - [Suzy] Yeah.

- four, three, two, one.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Suzy mimics airplane buzzing) - That's not flying.

(Suzy mimics air puffing) Whoa.

(air rasping) - (chuckles) It fell off.

- We're making a rock video.

Do you play the crisps, Dad?

- [Dad] I do play the crisps.

- [Suzy] Oh, brilliant.

(blows train whistle) (indistinct chatter) (both giggling) Oh, you know what?

I could actually just hang out here and look at you all day.

Yeah, while you look at me, and I look at you.

Oh!

(laughs) Oh!

Ow!

- Thank you.

- Goodbye.

- I feel like I've just seen about 100 one act plays.

And how do you feel about illnesses now, about the children's illnesses?

- I'm paranoid about illness.

It does make me wonder about having children.

I'd love to have children but it's, it's really, you know, like, it's like retraining your brain to say, you know, "Children are well, there are well children."

"You can have a well child."

Because- (exhales) - I'm just walking to the Soho Theater from the Evalina Hospital, where I've got my show tonight.

It was a very strange day to just be standing in the children's hospital watching, um, and all my fears that it was gonna be unbearably sad were allayed by the fact that every single child that Suzy visited ended up smiling or laughing.

I've got no idea how I'm gonna work in that context but I think Monkey could be helpful.

And I can completely see why you need training because you're going from such a different range of ages and medical conditions of the children.

It's a big commitment.

I think it's two years, this training.

But I'm gonna audition.

I'm gonna give it a go.

After passing the auditioning process, I begin three months of training, not only finding my clown persona, which at the moment seems to be Scottish- Well, that sounds nasty.

but more serious subjects like child development, child protection, bereavement counseling, and infection control, which is where I meet my first big hurdle.

They've dropped a bombshell.

- Break it to me.

- Every prop that you take into a children's hospital has to be washable.

Properly washable.

- What, like in a 60-degree wash?

- Like a hot wash, yeah.

- Nina, they stopped making me in the '90s, and you've only got a couple of replacements, it's just too high risk, I'm not getting in there.

- I'm gutted by this piece of bad news and I'm doing my darnedest to try and find a loophole.

I thought if I put him in a plastic container then I might be able to still use him and he would not contaminate.

So we'll see how that goes down.

- For the purposes of this exercise, Nina has to make me laugh in one minute.

What she doesn't know is that I'm not going to laugh.

Um, it's to bring out what people do when they panic, when they're not getting the laugh that they want.

- So, uh- I've got this Monkey who's in isolation because he's not been well, and I, uh, just wanted to introduce him to you.

(Monkey gasping) He can't breathe in there.

- (gasps) Oh, no.

- Okay, it's not looking good.

(laughs) - No, it's not feeling good either.

- But, um, let's blow more air in.

(blows) Is that okay?

- Yeah, that's much better, thank you.

What's that you've got there?

Is that your phone.

- Is that your phone?

(alarm beeping) - Should you not get it?

Well, that, that was great, wasn't it?

- Bye.

Come on, Monkey, you were no help.

- [Monkey] Tough crowd.

- Now, I know this is very like my Monkey, but I was gonna give him a different name and have him not, like, be my Monkey.

He could be related to the monkey that Nina works with.

Um, but in isolation.

Does this get around any of the things?

- [Hilary] I think there's still some difficulties.

Is he washable?

- No.

- [Hilary] No.

- [Nina] No.

So Monkey's out.

What do I do?

Chuck aside my intention to do something good for children?

I mean, everybody's very encouraging of this strange Scottish clown I seem to be developing, and actually, the more I practice clown, the more intrigued I am by how it works.

It's nothing to do with circus, it's actually quite Zen.

So I'll worry about puppets later, and stay here and find my clown.

- Let's just redefine clown for a minute.

- Because pop culture's got it that we're talking about a freak with a painted face.

- The kind of thing that you'd dress up as at Halloween.

But please forget that, 'cause we're talking about the theatrical art form of clown.

About a low-status, lovable idiot, who remains optimistic in the s**t. It's the DNA of all comic performance, Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, Tati, Mr. Bean, Tommy Cooper, Ronald Reagan... Well, maybe not him.

- And the grand master of clown today, the real tutor, is Philippe Gaulier.

- It's started, with music.

(upbeat comedic music) - He's taught some massive stars.

(comedic music continues) - And he speaks like an angel.

- Yeah, so f*****g boring.

Nobody loves you.

You leave immediately and you get a double zero.

- [Nina] And some of my favorite contemporary comedians have also been trained by Gaulier.

- So comedians come on and sort of defend themselves with jokes.

Whereas clowns, I think, it's about finding what's funny about you.

- What I like about it is, um, the feeling of taking all the masks off.

- Wow, this is what I'm like when I don't throw up any defenses, or anything you know, and this is what I'm like when the audience loves me for being, you know, like, humble and in the shit a little bit.

- I love the interaction that it gives me with other people.

- Do not forget, please.

A clown is paid to make the audience laughing.

- This isn't working.

So I'm just trying to... What my plan is, is to just work a little bit on my own, about who my clown is.

- When people ask me what is clown?

My short answer to that is the fun and the joy to be stupid, and to make that accessible to our friends, i.e.

the audience, but don't be any more stupid than you already are because nature has made you stupid enough already.

(Nina squeaking) Now, Ni- Nina, Nina, Nina, Nina.

Start again, come out, come out with a slightly bigger, uh, energy- - [Nina] Okay.

- and forget the sort of imbecilic a little bit.

- [Nina] Forget the imbecilic?!

- A little bit, yes.

Don't be over imbecilic.

- The thing with the clown workshop that I've just done with Mick Barnfather, is that it's all very well but I became highly sexualized under pressure and that won't do in a hospital.

(group laughing) What a trollop!

- Though the clown nose has the possibility to make you look a little more ridiculous, that is its function.

It's a little bit like that feeling of when you dress up for a fancy dress party.

- Hello!

Anyone want a balloon or a trick or... a slightly disappointing piece of magic anybody?

'Cause if you do, I'm your friend, I'm the best... Ah!

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

- [Monkey] What is it, Nina?

- I don't like it.

- [Stan] I love the coat.

It's wonderful.

Hello, everybody.

(Nina laughs) And what seems to be the problem with you?

- Nothing.

- I've got something wrong with me.

Look.

I've got a wrong arm.

Can you help me mend it?

- I can't.

- [Stan] Yours is wrong, too.

- Ooh, no!

- Oh, he hates me.

I'm a clown.

- [Nina] What do you think about me doing this work, do you think I'll be all right?

- I think you'll find it quite difficult, to, uh... to do.

(baby babbling) I think emotionally it will be a struggle.

A real struggle.

(blows) - [Nina] But I think you would make kids laugh if you did it, you would make kids laugh a lot.

- Yeah.

- [Nina] And, uh, that would not be emotionally difficult, would it?

- I suppose if I felt there were no consequences I'd do it.

But what if you didn't make them laugh?

And then they're twice as depressed as when you walked in.

Uh, sorry about that everyone.

Um... Hope it all goes well.

See ya, bye.

- I'm going to Bradford on Tuesday as a Scottish clown assistant to someone called Dr. Loo Loo, I think.

And so I don't have to do very much, I've just got to assist so, "No, no, I'm just here to assist."

A balloon, I believe is a dog if you do this.

One, two, three.

(balloon squeaking) Around, aroundy, dee.

There you go, that's lovely.

Now there's a head.

One, two, three.

(balloon squeaking) Around, around, around, around, around, dee.

Now that is a dog with some very short legs.

♪ One, two, three The idea would be to have some sort of chat that makes this terrible wait for the disappointing animal less... A dog.

- Got your nose?

- Yes.

- Got your balloon?

- Yes.

- Got your accent?

- Yes.

- Got your magic trick with the disappearing hankie?

- Yes.

- Got your clown?

- No.

- Oh, dear.

- [Loo Loo] I don't try and be something I'm not.

- [Nina] Right.

- That's when I find it's quite difficult and quite...

It uses a lot of your energy when you're trying to be something that you're not, because it is quite hard to keep up with.

- Yeah.

Because I kind of am something that I'm not at the moment.

From the training, I ended up kind of deciding on being Scottish.

My family are all Scottish, and it's a part of- - Right.

- You know, it's accent that's easy for me, and I slip into easily.

Oh, my God.

I'm scared, I'm properly scared now.

(gasps) Oh, my God, I've got to get my head in gear.

Oh, my God.

It's so bizarre, who am I, what am I on about?

I really don't know what made me think that speaking in a Scottish accent was gonna be a good idea.

As soon as I opened my mouth, I seemed to jar the fabric of reality.

- Hello, Gracie, (nose squeaks) Huh, what's that?

Have you got a squeaky nose?

(nose squeaks) Oh!

(they laugh) Bit of a squeaks.

- Ooh, mine's a bit sore today.

(laughs) So three months of training in a Scottish accent, I meet my first kid and drop it straight away.

Do you want to blow it with this?

It's better with this.

- So he's got a girlfriend.

- Yeah, he needs a girlfriend, doesn't he?

Oh, bother.

Do you remember how it was made?

No.

Would he have a girlfriend that was a mouse?

Because I can do a mouse much easier.

All right, someone of his own species coming up right now.

If she starts to lose her legs, I suggest extra twisting.

No, she hasn't got a tail like that.

She hasn't got a pom-pom tail.

He loves her anyway.

Ow.

I can't even find my bubbles.

(whispers) I think I should go.

I think I should go, I think she's a bit scared of me.

I do feel totally out of my depth, and, uh, I don't know why, I feel so, like I'm dying on my arse and I haven't even started yet.

But it's the onus of having to be the person who brings the joy, when you feel like you've got so little to offer.

Am I a green donkey?

Am I Shrek?

- No.

- A green boy?

- You're a green boy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm Ben10.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Oop!

- [Loo Loo] Sorry, baby.

(balloon squeaks) Oh!

(air rasping) (Nina giggling) - What's the best joke?

- [Loo Loo] Um... - You!

(laughs) (they laugh) - [Nina] The kids were fantastic.

- Yeah, and funnier than you Nina.

And your name?

- [Nina] Don't have one.

- Doctor... Dr. Loser?

Dr.

Didn't Do Well?

(Nina laughs) Dr. Not Scottish?

(audience cheering) - [Nina] How can I go on stage in front of hundreds of people and be fine, and then faced with a single child, I feel like a total fraud?

- 'Cause that's all smoke and mirrors, Nina.

This s**t's real.

You're getting observed today.

- I'm gonna be observed by Faith, one of the trainers, yeah.

- And what's she looking out for?

- For improvement I imagine?

(chuckles) I just, uh...

I suppose I've just got to ignore her.

But it's very nerve wracking.

- You're too tense, you're too nervous, you're not cut out for this s**t, Nina.

- I gotta be.

(laughs) - I can't believe that I can't go in there.

- I know I can't believe you can't go in there.

You're too dirty, Monkey.

- Too un-wipeable.

- Too un-wipeable.

- Such a tragedy, I'd entertain the hell out of those kids up there.

- Well, that probably means I can, doesn't it?

- [Monkey] Hmm.

- [Nina] Faith, is there anything today that you're looking out for?

- I just want to see that you're there having a nice time, you're able to interact, you know, not sort of hiding in a corner.

- Right.

Right.

- That's the most important thing.

- So is it quite normal to hide in a corner at this point?

- No.

No.

No one's hiding in a corner.

- There are four floors.

The fourth floor is very, very definitely people with brain things going on.

So that floor tends to all go quite a lot slower, but I'll let you know that when we get there.

- But I remember in the training you telling us that it wasn't for us to know what was the matter with the child.

- [Faith] No.

- For me, it doesn't help at all.

It just makes me sad.

Have a look down there?

- Yeah, over there.

- I'll have a look down here.

I can't see anything.

I can't see anybody.

- Over there.

- Where?

- (giggles) Behind you.

- What, behind the chair?

- [Aiden] No, behind the curtain.

- I'll have a little look behind the curtain.

No, she's definitely not behind the curtain.

- I'll hide behind this shoe.

- [Aiden] There, over there.

There!

- Ta-da!

- Oh!

- Hello?

- Is that you Dr. Doollaly?

- [Nina] I've got a really nice friend here, his name's Aiden.

- I've got someone here with me called Aiden as well.

Has your friend Aiden, has he got a head?

- No.

- Oh!

- Oh.

- My friend Aiden hasn't got a head, has yours?

- I'll just check.

Have you got a head?

- Yes.

- Oh.

Mine has got a head.

- Oh, hang on, I'm going to check with mine.

Have you got a head?

- No.

- No, mine hasn't got a head.

- [Nina] Oh, I've got one with a head.

- [Suzy] Oh.

Have ya?

- [Nina] Yeah, yeah.

- [Suzy] What's your favorite song, Aiden?

- Bottom!

(Suzy plays ukulele) ♪ It's not at the top ♪ And it's not in the middle ♪ It's at the ♪ Bottom ♪ Bottom ♪ Bottom, bottom, bottom ♪ Bottom, bottom, bottom, bottom, bottom, bottom ♪ (Aiden giggles) - Hah!

She can't get through the door.

- Will you count us in please?

- One, two, three.

(child laughs) - Oh.

(Nina and Suzy laughing) Oh, it's funny.

Hello.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi, Ishaan.

Look what I got here.

Ooh.

What's that?

Oh.

Hello?

- Wow.

- Hello, Ishaan.

- Oh, wow.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Aw!

- [Nina] Hello, Ishaan.

He's waving to that silly duck.

♪ There once was an ugly duckling ♪ ♪ With feathers all fluffy and brown ♪ ♪ And the other birds ♪ In so many words said ♪ Quack, get out of town ♪ Quack, get out, quack, quack ♪ Get out, quack, quack ♪ Get out of town - Thank you.

- Bye.

- Thank you.

- Oh, thank you.

- The first ward you went on, the first level was HDU.

Just to be aware that when you're on HDU always make sure that you wash hands between every single child.

You washed, but then you went to another child before you washed again.

- Okay, okay, right.

- Yeah?

Lovely work with the teenage girl, Stephanie.

The only thing that I will say is be careful when they have their machinery around their beds.

Don't touch the machinery.

I could see that you were just getting the light from the machine with the Delite, and you did it twice.

- Yeah.

- Now if, later on in the day, something happened, and they say, "Oh, something's happened to her machine," somebody else can easily say, "Oh, it was that clown, I saw the clown touching the machine, maybe it was her that did that."

- Okay.

- [Faith] But I thought you did a good visit today.

- That's nice to hear.

- So go home, have a good rest- - Yeah, I will do.

- and see you next time.

- How's it going?

- I was a bit better, yeah.

- Were you funny?

- Hmm.

- Are you feeling all weepy?

I don't want any weeping.

- I think of the parents.

- [Monkey] Oh, God.

- I think they're very, very strong people to get through it.

- What choice have they got?

(playful music) - Really playful.

- [Nina] The bulk of my clown's development has to happen on the job, responding and adapting to what I encounter, and what I feel is needed.

So for the next six months I'll be assisting various Giggle Doctors up and down the country, and learning from their different styles, all the while being observed by Faith, my trainer.

- [Chris] Are you reading?

- Yeah.

- Gosh, she can read.

- With your elbow?

- Everybody reads with their elbows nowadays.

- [Nina] What else do you read with?

- Obviously you can read with your nose, and you can obviously shop with your neck, because, you know, that's just the obvious usual things.

- [Nina] Yeah, all right, all right, obviously.

- So if you read with your hair, which strand of hair does the reading?

- When you get your haircut you've got to get one piece not cut, so that that can be a long piece that can flick the book pages and- - [Nina] Could I just write that bit down?

- [Faith] Lovely interaction you had with that, um, teenage girl.

- Yeah.

- She was really enjoying that play.

- And if you're reading with your nose, obviously as you said, um, so you leave that long too?

- No, when you read with your nose, you read with your nose, not your nose hair.

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Because your nose sniffs the pages and recognizes the words.

- Each word smells different, I never thought of it like that.

- This is so much information to take in.

- She was teaching you something that you did not know.

- Yeah, yeah.

- And she really enjoyed doing that.

- Yeah, yeah.

- It really empowered her.

- And what university should we enroll in, to do, 'cause we want to be as good as you.

- The university of bananas.

- Oh, my goodness.

- She was able to weave you into her own little story about reading with her elbows and all that sort of thing.

That's the innocence of the clown.

When you have the innocence of the clown, it's like you're thinking, "I know nothing.

What will you teach me?"

- I mean, I can use the- - It's very hard to get into but I went there and I had the best time of my life.

- I want to the best time of my life.

I want to give you, um, you know, like an award for your- - It is an honor accepting this reading thing.

- [Nina] Here's a microphone, it's just a microphone - And, um, I'm going to use it very carefully and I'm going to use it to read only the very best books with.

It shall make me happy when my days are sad, and it just brightens up your day, look at it.

(both applauding) - [Chris] Congratulations.

And thank you.

- I'm gonna take it off and read with it now.

- Please do.

- Good luck with the reading.

Thank you.

(girl laughs) - [Nina] All of the trainees have got together for a regroup and a photograph.

But one of my friends, Fleur, forgot her nose, and this has brought up a difficult issue.

The charity has concerns that the perception of clowns in this country can effect fundraising.

- Just then when I said "I've forgotten my nose," Charlotte said, "Oh, don't worry, it's a good thing, we're moving away from noses," and I said, "Oh.

Right, okay."

- Can I just give some reassurance.

We know we are clowns.

But when it comes to raising money there are people who go, "Don't like clowns, children don't like clowns, I'm not giving you any money."

So we are trying to find a balance between working as clowns, in the sense that we know we are working as clowns, and being recognized in a way that people find more acceptable.

- But kids like it when we have noses.

Like I wasn't expecting that reaction, and especially children with special needs, they... And so I'm curious to know what, is that was gonna happen?

Are you guys phasing out noses?

- It's disconcerting because I use my nose a lot.

- Oh, dear, you didn't tell me that.

(nose squeaks) That's my act.

- Your go-to gag.

- Yeah, absolutely.

Squeaky, squeaky, doesn't it?

Boo!

(nose squeaks) (Nina giggles) - It's a quite tiring process because, you know, you're looking after your child, and there's only so much entertaining that you can do.

They get a bit bored of you after a while, and it's nice to have a new face.

So I think the Giggle Doctors are brilliant.

He's been entertained, and it's put a smile on his face and he hasn't smiled for a few days, (child babbles) since he's been unwell, so it's good.

- You need to find your clown.

- I know I do, and I'm trying, you know, I'm getting away with it.

- But who is she, is she some kind of fool?

- Well, she's meant to be, but, uh, no, at the moment I just... feels like a kids' entertainer, Jesus.

- Is that your worst nightmare?

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you suffering from professional snobbery?

- Maybe.

Maybe a little bit.

- [Monkey] Well, learn from the seniors, they know what they're doing.

- [Nina] I know, the kids love them.

- [Monkey] They're not embarrassed.

- [Nina] And they're all giving me great advice, I'm just having trouble putting it into practice.

(bright comedic music) - A clown is just who we all want to be if we stopped worrying about looking like idiots.

The thing is right because that begins with "w", why don't I say "woo"?

- It's a silent letter.

- Whoa!

- I think we need to have the very strange combination of being highly, highly sensitized and sensitive, which we need to be, but also, you need to be tough as old boots as well.

- And are you tough as old boots?

- [Mandy] No.

- No.

(both laughing) - [Nina] I'm not sure I'm as tough as old boots either.

(toy whirring) - One-two-three.

- I think he can do 10.

Four- Sometimes in order to work out how to play with the child, I imagine how my own kids might want to play.

(Nina and son playing piano) But if I make that connection too strongly, it becomes much more of a struggle emotionally to do the job.

(toy whirring) - Eight.

- Nine, one more, one more, one more?

- Nina's very sensitive, and that's a real plus point in the job.

But it can, when you're training and you're sensitive it can bring up issues just like fear, timidity, holding back, and it's working through all that to accept it as a gift, um, because it's what you need in the job.

Is your name Stripey?

Yes?

Oh, isn't that lovely?

- Ner-ner, ner-ner-ner.

- Ner-ner, ner-ner-ner.

(splutters) (Mandy laughs) (Jamie playing ukulele) - [Nina] Outwardly, it can looks like the Giggle Doctors are just having fun, but they do witness quite a lot of difficult stuff, and it can be a challenge to decompress.

- Oh, wow.

- I have my own warning signs that I listen to- - Right.

- and the main one is whether I'm still thinking about a certain child by the time I get home.

- There was a child today who had a big plaster on his chest.

He coughed and he looked so scared that he was coughing, and his mum put her hand on his chest.

She went, "Don't worry, Mummy's got your chest."

Um, this was in cardio so he'd had some big surgery.

But we had a lovely time, and I don't know why it is that some kids make you feel upset and others don't.

But all the way home on the train I'm thinking I need to cry about that kid.

And I come home and I said, "I wanted to cry about a little boy today that I saw."

And, um... My husband and son said, "I don't want to hear it."

"Sorry, I'm just not ready to hear that, I don't wanna go there," they both said.

And then I cried.

(chuckles) It was the thought that nobody wanted to hear about it that made me cry.

It was the thought that that little boy, people don't want to hear about it because it's too sad, and that's his life.

- [Dad] Because we're not sure if he can hear yet, so it's like... - [Mum] Just waiting.

- Yeah, just waiting.

- Yeah.

- (pretend gasps) What's that?

- [Mum] He's following you with his eyes.

- [Nina] While the seniors instinctively seem to know exactly what's required in a certain moment, I'm frightened I might make an error of judgment at any time.

- [Giggle Doctor] Shh!

Shh!

- [Nina] This fear is inhibiting.

My clown persona is not growing.

(horn squeaks softly) There's a trick of the trade that when all else fails, you get the kid to chuck you out the room.

It's empowering for them, 'cause there's no one else in the hospital they can chuck out.

Do you reckon that you can control me around the room with your joystick?

- Okay.

- (blabbers) Bye, Nigel.

And if you do it in a clowny way, so much the better.

Should I take the canoe, or the plane, or the boat, or the hovercraft, or the spinny thing?

- You can take the spinny thing if you want to leave.

- [Nina] But I have to admit I'm overusing this.

I'm really self-conscious and I talk in a baby's voice, which I have to admit sickened myself.

- You're a butthole.

(audience applauds) - Conversely, my stage act is thriving thanks to my clown training.

I'm really discovering the comic potential of the archetypal clueless idiot when I put a mask on an unsuspecting member of the audience.

- Oh, here it goes.

(audience laughing) I just fill it up like this.

- That's amazing.

- All the way.

- Wow, that's really long.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my goodness.

- I'm crazy me, anything can happen.

- [Nina] This clueless optimism is pure clown, and it's this that I need to develop for myself in the hospitals.

- Well you've got the clueless down.

Get the funny going, Nina.

You've been at it nearly a year.

- [Nina] Yeah, I know.

And I'm now going to be crowned as a junior Giggle Doctor.

But first I gotta do a bit of dancing.

- [Monkey] Why, Nina?

Oh, no.

(upbeat tribal music) - Nina, Nat, Nat, Nixie, Ellie and Fleur would you all please stand up?

(group mock cheering) I would like to officially welcome you on behalf of Theodora and all the seniors, as no longer being trainee Giggle Doctors, but now being Junior Giggle Doctors.

(group cheer and applaud wildly) - Please come and receive your squeak, please squeak it with pride.

(Nina laughs) (group cheering) (upbeat whimsical music) - [Nina] I've come to Italy to see how a Giggle Doctor works in another country.

(horn honks) I'm with Doctor Stretoscopio in Milan.

There are eight separate charities that provide 170 Giggle Doctors to children's hospitals around Europe.

And the first thing I notice here is a clown with a monkey.

- No, but be honest, Nina, the first thing you noticed were the doctors.

- [Nina] Well, yeah, they were so young and glamorous.

(Nina giggles) - Nina, we're here for the work.

- They're like movie-stars, those guys.

- [Monkey] Nina, do up your dungarees and concentrate on the job.

- [Nina] I was struck by a completely different attitude here, the staff and the families and everybody else were very welcoming and accepting of the clowns.

They were so playful, it was a very different vibe from the UK.

They were getting out their phones, they were joining in the games.

And the first thing that happens, is we were taken into an office and given a briefing about each child by the ward sister.

(indistinct chatter in Italian) I realized that Doctor Stretoscopio is treated like an integral part of the hospital system.

And he's been able to form very strong bonds over the years with the staff and the parents.

This was really brought home to me by an extraordinary story he told where some parents had invited him and his colleague to get into their costumes as Giggle Doctors to say goodbye to their child in the mortuary.

- The mother, she said, "Can you come down as clown doctors to say bye-bye to him?"

You see that peace and you see that finally they are not suffering.

So you see such a beautiful face.

But with the light, you have the feeling that they are breathing.

And, so the moment we were there... And the mother... We understand that it's time to go.

And before going I wanted to give a kiss to the child.

So I go, Imagine that the child is here, and I do this, and in the pocket I had a thing, an electronic thing, like an alarm.

So I go to kiss him... Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

(laughs) It starts the alarm.

The mother, the father, the other clown and me started laughing like idiots, like idiots, no?

- [Nina] Rodrigo's very unusual story only further demonstrates to me how much more people are at ease with clowns here.

It's highlighted how awkward I can feel at home sometimes, and I wonder if some of the difficulties that I've had finding my clown is because of a natural British reserve that seeks to suppress silliness, which isn't the case here.

Back at home, it's time for my first visit as a Junior Giggle Doctor.

We have to rush like hell because there's a really scary nurse out there who hates clowns.

(case zipper rasps) (whispers) We have to be out by 1:00 otherwise she kills us.

(Nina blows) Yes.

She might hate me more now.

- [Monkey] So what does it mean you being a "junior" exactly?

- It means I'm not chaperoned and I work alone a lot more.

(people chatting indistinctly) But I don't feel any better prepared equipped than I did on my first assisted visit.

(baby crying) This little kid, he's like one and a half, in the doorway from a distance and I just squeaked my nose and he just cried and the door closed and I thought, "Oh, my goodness."

Like that's doing harm from a distance, like, with a single squeak.

I've just...

It's just the opposite of what we're meant to do.

(baby crying) It's like the kind of incident that a complaint could come from, you know what I mean?

- All you did was open the door and squeak- - I didn't even open the door, the door was open 'cause the cleaner was coming out, and I was there behind him and I did that, and that made him cry.

And I saw the mum go over and the door shut and I was like, "Yikes!"

- And that's fine.

Nobody complained.

You weren't actually in the room.

- No.

I was so scared after the door opened, I squeaked the nose, girl cries, door closed, job done.

It just made me think, (gasps) "What kind of catastrophe is behind this blue curtain?"

- Don't be too hard on yourself.

- Who walks up to a sick kid and makes them cry?

I couldn't feel further away from my original intention to do good.

And then I get a worrying e-mail from the charity.

"It's become clear that many people simply do not want to start supporting us for various reasons, particularly because of the clown image."

And that has to change.

"And there's all this worrying feedback about Giggle Doctors discussing upsetting issues just before starting a visit.

"Of Giggle Doctors crying- weeping before shifts- being shrill and noisy in sensitive areas."

It's all me, obviously.

I can't believe this is...

I can't believe this is anyone I know or have witnessed.

Everyone's very responsible.

How much of that is witch-hunting, the clowns being "bad"?

Where does this come from?

- [Monkey] Do you like clowns?

- Uh, I haven't been to a clown show or something, and I haven't met a clown.

- No, but do you think they're nice?

- They are funny, so they must be nice.

- Yeah.

- [Charlotte] The image of clown has become increasingly disliked, among donors and the hospitals and also the parents, and that's a real problem that we now have, because some people simply don't want to support us if they think we're clowns.

We're a children's charity here to make life better for children in hospital, and we all have to pull together to make that possible, it sounds very twee... - But I'm a little bit concerned that we're shifting the emphasis and we are shifting from the children being the focus of what we do, to the donors being the focus of what we're doing.

- I've been discussing the topic with donors, um, with the hospitals, with the parents, um, and really just seeing how widespread the view is that this clowning image and the nose in particular is a problem.

I have a couple more people that I need to talk to and then, um, I'll be making, um, a decision on where we're taking the charity in the light of everything that's been said.

- What I hate is jollity in the corridors- ♪ It's a long, long - [Nina] That kills me.

♪ Down the corridor - Dr Dovetail today just told me, "Just say hi, just say hello," so I went, "Hi, hi."

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hello.

And I look stupid, I don't like that hat, I don't like...

I look like a man!

It's like I've gone undercover as someone less funny than me.

I don't know why I'm undercover as a s**t clown?

I'm in a crisis Monkey, I need backup.

I'm gonna boil-wash your understudy.

(morose music) - Well, what are my rights?

- You don't have rights, you're about sixth in line to the throne.

- Oh, God, am I like a sacrificial lamb?

- Yeah.

Why don't you do with the real Monkey.

He's old.

- No, he's got professional engagements.

Take your soap capsule.

- I don't like this.

- [Nina] And good luck.

- Is it going to be hot?

- [Nina] Very hot.

- [Monkey] Oh, Jesus.

(dial clicks) - Good luck.

- [Monkey] I don't like it.

(morose music) (washing machine whirs) - [Monkey] Holy shit!

- [Nina] Oh, my God, he looks fine.

- I really enjoyed that.

- You're completely fine.

- [Monkey] Yeah, yeah.

Can I go again?

- And so what I've done today, Jamie, is I've actually brought my Monkey.

It's not "the Monkey", you know, his name is Wilson and he's a relative, but, um- and, uh, he does wash, I washed him in the washing machine and he came up lovely.

Because the whole reason I got into this was because I thought Monkey would be good in the hospitals.

I must feel like a fraud still.

So you feel like an intruder?

And you feel like, "I'm not really a Giggle Doctor yet, but I'm pretending to be one."

- [Nina] Yeah.

- [Jamie] As Giggle Doctors, we're always the lowest status in the hospital.

- [Nina] Definitely.

- And I think that's really difficult.

Especially with other adults and especially with intelligent adults.

They suddenly feel like, "Oh, no, you think I'm an idiot."

"I'm not really an idiot, "I'm an intelligent human being but I'm just pretending to be an idiot."

- To be a wally and look like a wally is all right, and like, I don't mind that.

But to feel like an unwelcome idiot is worse, and I worry that I'm not welcome.

I really do.

I feel like all the time we're having to re-insist our place in the hospital.

There's an onus to live up to it and be worthwhile all the time.

And I'm not in a strong place to prove that personally.

And if I screw up, then, you know, it's just like one other person who hates clowns.

So it's all that.

Especially when I make a kid cry just by squeaking my nose like I did the other day.

I've got, um, I've got a talking Monkey, would you like to meet my talking monkey?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

This is Jakob, Monkey, say hello.

- Hello, Jakob.

- He speaks.

- [Monkey] Oh, look a levitating table.

- The table's getting higher and higher.

I don't want your dinner to land on your face.

- Aw, dinner on the face, not on the face.

- [Kid] I'll just catch it.

- [Monkey] You'll catch it with your face?

- We'll come over here.

(kid giggles) - [Monkey] Dinner on your face.

Is that a song, Monkey?

♪ Dinner on my face, dinner on my face ♪ ♪ I've got my dinner on my face ♪ Shall I fly?

Or shall I sing?

- [Kid] Go on an aeroplane.

- Go on an aeroplane.

Okay.

- [Monkey] Let's get the aeroplane.

- I think he could probably use that, is that okay?

We can use this, Monkey.

Actually there's two.

- Oh, great, this is going to be my aeroplane.

I'll get in.

- Okay.

- Welcome aboard Flight 252 to Oslo.

(parents laughing) Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your seats are in the upright position.

(kid laughs) Make sure your tray-tables are stowed.

Okay, I'm going.

I'll see you later.

(all laughing) Happy flight.

(mimics engine droning) ♪ Plane on my face, plane on my face ♪ ♪ I've got the plane on my face ♪ - Thank you.

- The monkey is funny.

♪ Dinner on my face - [Mum] Are you gonna have your dinner on your face?

Just silly monkey.

- Silly monkey talking on his face.

- [Nina] It was a huge relief to have Monkey finally, but it was short-lived.

- [Monkey] Yeah, the next kid I saw wasn't so sure.

I think I frightened him.

Suitcase?

- Yeah, I think it's a suitcase.

- It's very big.

- No, it's very small.

- It looks very large.

- (whispers) No, it's pretty small.

- But it won't open?

- (whispers) No, it won't open.

- It can't open.

It can never open.

(child whimpers) You'd have to be very careful.

(mic and Monkey ruffling) (whispers) Bad Monkey.

(whispers) Bad Monkey.

(whispers) I'll just...

I'll go.

(mum consoling indistinctly) (whispers) I'll go away over here.

I think I'll go.

Bye, see you later.

- I think it's a bit small for her.

- Okay, are you going to say abracadabra?

- I'm being very brave.

- [Jamie] You are being very brave.

- [Brave Child] I've got a plaster on my arm.

- [Jamie] Have you?

Oh, wow.

- I just wanted to remove myself, because Jamie's doing a really good job and I started to make another kid cry.

But if I make any more kids cry, I am so done with it I think, because it's so rubbish, so the opposite of what you're meant to be doing.

Um...

But it's just really annoying because I they really nice time with Monkey and I got him out again and it freaks the kid out and he cries, I just think it's too high risk and I'm not, um...

I'm not, um, safe enough, I don't know what it is.

I didn't know if it's the... You know, I can blame it being the Monkey looking a bit weird, or the nose can be weird, or I'm too colorful or something.

Or maybe just the vibe I give off is too complicated, and... (groans) Don't know, it's really, um...

So I just escaped and I just could see that it would go better without me there.

Like you take your kid to hospital, I'm just imagining as a parent.

You take your kid to hospital and you're nervous already 'cause you're thinking they're gonna hate this, they're going to do things to the kid that the kid's not going to like, and if your kid is sitting in the waiting room and not crying, things are going well.

And if a twat comes along and upsets him when everything's okay, that's just really, I would be really annoyed.

Anyway, it's my shift and I'm not working.

I should carry on.

I just blew some bubbles and that's the most innocuous, most fail-safe plan, is to blow bubbles through the door.

And he, uh, he's all right, with it, but he didn't love it, and Jamie comes through and playing his guitar, and then, he says something like, "I'm frightened," and he says, "What are you frightened of?"

He said, "That lady."

(laughs) I was frightening without even being there, just my bubbles were frightening.

(indistinct chatter) Why am I scary today?

What did he say?

- You're not scary.

- He was scared of me and I only blew bubbles.

- But it's not about, it's not about you.

So it could have just been the...

I guarantee you it was, like, the timing.

- You are gently able to go through that, and he confides in you that he finds me scary.

So that is the quality and the essence that we're after.

It's what you're giving there, like you're a place of safety, I mean, it's just magical.

I feel like jagged and, you know... (Jamie giggling) in comparison.

- But you're not.

- I know, I don't want to get a thing about it because then I will be.

- Yeah, but it's already kind of happening.

- Yeah, it's happening.

Oh, Jamie, s**t!

(Jamie laughs) - They're just intimidated.

We're a lot, we're odd.

They're all... - I've gotta be less.

I'm going to end up wearing totally normal clothes with no tricks just so I can blend in.

- [Jamie] No, it's not helpful to blend in.

- Nina's gone mental, brace yourselves.

(Nina groans frustratedly) - Dr. Splodge, right, so rubbish.

It's supposed to be the best part of yourself, and this is the worst part of myself.

It's like the most paralyzed, inept part of myself which I hate.

It's like the person who doesn't speak up during dinner parties, or, like the woman on the panel show who doesn't ever quite get, you know.

That's what I'm...

I'm sending the worst bit of myself in there, and we've even shown you the good bits.

You should see the s**t bits.

It's hard to show you the s**t bits 'cause they're monotonous, lengthy, times of me like following another Giggle Doctor around who's doing interesting work and I'm just taking a pathetic interest in what they're doing.

Like, I have to lose that pathetic children's entertainer and find my clown.

Like, what is it?

It's so not that.

I blew bubbles from the door.

I wasn't even in there and the kid was scared, like, I mean just like... - It's not about your shitty bubble blowing idea, you know, it's like, we don't care if it was a good idea on your part or not.

It's, like, it's not important, your clown routine, you know.

It's important to, like, for you to peek in and see, like, "Okay, is he okay?"

and let him see you and stuff like that, not let them see your, uh, s****y routine.

- [Nina] But I'm scared to let them see me, I don't even know who I am, if they see me, they'll see someone having an artistic crisis and that's not what they need.

That's no help.

The whole reason I got into this was to try and make kids happy in the hospitals.

But I think my insecurities are contagious.

- Children who are already sick are not the people you should be inflicting that on.

Haven't they suffered enough, Nina?

(Sally laughs) - [Nina] I feel like I need a lot more training and I can't delay it any longer.

It's time to get on my hands and knees and crawl to Gaulier.

He's putting me deep in the s**t and it feels like the right place to be.

I should stay here for as long as possible until I find my clown.

(Nina meows) - Before I saw this woman, I was classic heterosexual, and I don't know why but I've had a crisis.

- [Nina] But just as I'm falling in love with it all and I'm beginning to see a way I might be able to find my clown, all the Giggle Doctors are assembled for an important announcement about a new direction the charity is going to take.

- The new definition of what a Giggle Doctor is, is this.

A Giggle Doctor is a professional performer trained to boost the morale of sick, disabled and terminally-ill children in the UK.

So a Giggle Doctor is not a clown, and does not do clowning.

The word clown must not be used by office staff, or Giggle Doctors and hospitals and donors should also be corrected where possible if they use it.

You will have to stop wearing any kind of clown outfits, so that means clown shoes, clown trousers, and stop wearing any kind of make-up, that is either clown make-up or that other people might perceive it as such.

And that also means in terms of things that you're giving out, so please do not give out noses, we're trying to have a total clean rebrand.

- [Claire] Can we wear anything on our nose?

- No, absolutely nothing.

- Nothing at all?

- Nothing at all.

- Can I just say, we are allowed to say the word "clown".

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We're not going to make it the "C-word", it isn't a bad thing.

Being a clown is not a bad thing.

It's a pretty magical thing.

(sniffles) - The time, for those four-hour shifts that you're in the hospital as a Giggle Doctor, then you're not a clown, but all the rest of the time, you can go home, put your clown shoes on, put your nose on, sit there and watch TV.

But it's just that, as a Giggle Doctor, Giggle Doctors are no longer clowns.

- I totally understand that, I understand that.

But I don't want "clown" to become a dirty word amongst this group.

- Well, I'm obviously not saying that you can't be a clown outside of Theodora.

What we are saying, however, is that a Giggle Doctor is no longer a clown.

(deflated music) - We must little time for talking about a red nose.

- When I've got the nose on, I instantly feel more ridiculous.

And it's so much easier to go to the fantastical places that you can go to.

Um, but without it, I feel like I'm a bit of a weird adult that's kind of wandered in and gone, "Hey."

(chuckles) - It just allows people to share with you, because you're not quite human.

- All the suffering, the pain that you have in the hospital, it can touch you a lot.

So it's like to remember that I'm a bit far...

I'm here.

This is protecting me.

- I have lost my protection, that I'm now going in as myself with my own fears, and I'm finding that really difficult.

- I feel a bit naked without it.

- For me, the nose means "play."

- It always gives a response.

- It's my protection.

- It's a symbol of fun.

- It's my armor.

(chuckles) - It is just a magical thing.

- [Nina] Is it important for a clown, the red nose?

- For me it's really important, because I see very well how you were when you were a kid because it gives something.

- It's got to a point where, like, to see a nose makes people cry, and we're not allowed to wear noses and we're going in, it's just that... Yeah, this perceived phobia I think is inflated.

- [Fleur] And also it doesn't help that I've got so many clowns all over my coat, like, come on, like, (sniffling) you guys, need to provide me with something that I can wear if I'm not being a clown that doesn't say clown all over it.

- Now, hang on, this nose phobia better not be inflated because a charity, out to fulfill a noble aim of entertaining sick children is compromising their art form in order to attract donors.

A tail is wagging a dog.

I think the Giggle Doctors are gonna be fine with or without their noses.

They're advanced, they've made that evolution.

But for me, personally, I've spent 18 months trying to find a clown I've now been told to lose.

And that's after having lost my monkey.

I've got nothing left.

And as I sew the word "giggle" over the word "clown" on my coat, I feel like it's the coat that doesn't fit.

I wanted to entertain children and I've got nothing to do it with anymore.

Like I should abandon the search, possibly, for my Giggle Doctor.

So it's bye-bye to Dr. Splodge.

- You leave immediately and you get a double-zero!

- But I'm not giving up on working with kids.

Monkey is good.

I mean, I took him to a hospice, and he's absolutely a hit with these guys.

- I really made a good friend.

- You did.

- [Monkey] And it felt totally natural.

There was no question that I would scare her.

- [Nina] No, there really wasn't, 'cause my energy was a lot calmer, wasn't it?

- [Monkey] Yeah, it was a lot calmer.

- [Nina] But I don't think that would have been possible if I hadn't spent that time as a Giggle Doctor.

So I'll always be grateful to the charity and the other Giggle Doctors for the training I received and the opportunity I got to work with all those wonderful children.

(zany fanfare music) (child laughs) (Nina laughs) (zany music continues) Now, I'm naughty because I wasn't happy being a clown.

And then we got told we weren't clowns and suddenly I'm thinking, "No, hang on a minute, I wanna be a clown."

That's just perverse but that's how it has been.

I don't want to be told I can't wear a nose.

I instantly want to wear a nose.

So I'm going to wear one.

Because isn't it one of Britain's worst traits, to disapprove of what's unusual and different and worry about our image?

I'd like to make a personal stand against that.

Let's not lose our clowns like we lost our ventriloquists.

Let's treasure these idiots.

Writers, artists, stand-ups, they're all clever.

The idiot is noble, and gives us hope.

I made a two-year commitment to a personal flop.

What's left to do but rise up, optimistic from the s**t and say, "Hooray, I'm an idiot," and it's about time I started behaving like one.

(jolly music) Wait.

I'm coming, wait!

Is it my nose?

Does my nose look big in this?

Oh, flippers.

Oh, I'm okay.

Sorry.

Sorry.

(upbeat zany music) (traffic droning) (upbeat zany music continues) (upbeat zany music continues) (upbeat zany music continues) (no audio)