- [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre" is made possible in part by The Fish House.

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Pensacon brings celebrities, artists, authors, and more together each February in Pensacola, Florida.

For more information, visit pensacon.com.

(light piano music) (thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On "Nightmare Theatre".

♪ - Now I don't think I'm explaining this enough.

Let me try to be more clear.

No one was really singing.

They were doing what's called lip syncing, which means they were pretending to sing.

(Mittens laughing) No, no, it's not a joke, I'm serious.

It was a real show and it ran for four years.

People spent months developing lavish costumes and elaborate dance routines in an effort to humiliate themselves on TV.

Millions of sad, lonely people tuned in every week to watch hopelessly diluted people pretend to sing.

The show was called "Puttin' on the Hits" and it was hosted by a guy named Alan Fawcett.

Yeah, like a faucet, only spelled differently.

The contestants were judged by a celebrity panel, which was made up of people like a guy who was an extra on "The Love Boat", or maybe Claude Akins' stunt double from "Moving on."

The winner got $25,000.

But in a real sense, they were all losers because each contestant also got a videotape of their perform.

Could you imagine some family gathering, maybe Thanksgiving or even Arbor Day?

Uncle Skeeter has the VCR all warmed up and ready to go, and he's standing there with an old phone in his hands and he says, "Hey kids, come watch your old uncle do "Mr. Telephone Man", by New Edition.

One time El Sapo actually went on the show and did "Harper Valley PTA", miniskirt and all.

The highest score the panel could give was 30 and he got a negative one.

He was so bad, celebrity judge Mac Davis threw a tomato at him.

Oh, wait, we're on.

We're gonna watch the tape later.

Hello and welcome once again to "Nightmare Theatre".

I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and here with me is Mittens the werewolf.

We were just discussing one of the most awful things to ever appear on television as we wait for the man who is hands down, and by universal consent, the most awful thing to appear in any form of media, El Sapo de Tempesto, to arrive with tonight's movie.

He really ought to be here any second now with a- - Hey guys.

Sorry I am late.

It's not my fault.

My lodge meeting ran over tonight.

- Lodge meeting, huh?

Let me guess, Koy.

You got your motorcycle stuck up on the high dive again.

What sort of lodge would you have?

- Yes, I do happen to be in a lodge.

It's called the Royal Order of the Befuddling and Obsequious Cousins of the sons of Aku Naton.

Aku Naton was one of them pharaohs from up there in Egypt, Africa, you know?

- Yes, Egypt.

So you're in a lodge.

Tell me, what do you and these other noble nimrods do in this lodge?

- Oh, what don't we do, boss?

It's a nonstop thrill ride of excitement.

We do all kinds of things, like we play Pinochle, we play Kick the can, we play Mumblety Peg.

Just, just so many things.

- Hmm, interesting.

Do you have a job or responsibilities in this lodge?

Are there things you personally are required to do?

Do you have essential duties?

- I do, I do.

I am the subservient noble lackey in charge of removing cigars and cigarette butts from the pretzel bowls.

- And you do this job well?

- Oh yeah.

The infallible and exhausted potentate of pretzels says I am in line for a promotion.

I might move up to latrine duty, if I play my cards right.

- Yeah, you're definitely the man for that job.

Say, speaking of jobs- - Yes, boss.

Are you looking to make a little extra few bucks on the side?

I know a guy who needs to have a stove hauled off and I know some bikers who have to get rid of a gun.

- No, no, no.

I'm talking about you and your job here.

Your main job.

Did you manage to find a movie for tonight?

- I'm not gonna lie to you.

I did not, but listen to this, outside the hidden oracle chamber in as spittoon- - No.

- I fished out this can.

Now I wiped it down pretty good.

Can you show it when I run, look for a movie.

- I'm not gonna touch that thing.

Just leave it on the table.

- I'll be back in, wait, three, no, no, four, gimme four, I'll be back in four jiffies.

Say, we're entering our membership drive right now.

And if you'd like to be a member, I could sponsor you.

- No, nope.

No way.

No how.

No chance.

Not in this lifetime or the next.

Now go on.

- Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know.

I will make sure no one blackballs you like Goober did to Howard Sprague that time.

- Get!

Get outta here.

Gee, I wonder what this could be.

Maybe he found an alternate ending to "Citizen Kane."

One never before seen by anyone, not even Orson Welles.

Maybe it's the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tapes.

Nope.

Folks, it's "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, Chapter Five, The Palace of Horror."

You know, Mittens.

That's not a bad title at all.

In fact, I like the sound of it, but I know we are all gonna be let down.

There's not gonna be horror in this palace.

There probably won't even be a palace.

A better title would be "Shanty of Boredom", or "Hovel of the Story That Never Ends."

I truly think this story has achieved some sort of reality outside our current understanding of time and space.

It might go on until the end of time and after the universe collapses, this story will still be slowly plodding along.

So let's plod along ourselves into the endless desert of despair and misery that is "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, Chapter Five, the Palace of Horror" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(epic orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (grand orchestral music) - [Narrator] Chapter five.

Flash and Roka capture a Ming ship and force its crew to fly them to Ming's palace, hoping to rescue Dale and Zarkov.

Disguised as Ming guards, the make their way to the palace corridors.

Overhearing a guard saying Zarkov is about to meet death in the arena, Flash races up the stairs leading to the arena, and through a window sees Zarkov standing manacled between two stone pillars.

As Ming's voice sentences Zarkov and the Death Ray starts toward the helpless victim, Flash leaps through the window and... (suspenseful orchestral music) - Stop it.

Oh stop it.

Stop it you murderer, you monster.

(Ming laughs) (suspenseful orchestral music) (woman screams) - Roka, the clock.

Destroy it.

(clock explodes) (woman screams) - [Man] Guards.

- Find your way to the caverns under the palace, and they'll barter with me.

- Guards, seize them.

- Quick, the guards.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Have Zarkov brought to me at once.

(dramatic music) I am prepared to offer you your life on certain conditions.

- And the conditions are?

- I have a great respect for your scientific knowledge and ability, if you will devote them to my service, you may live.

- But as a prisoner?

- Is not that preferable to death?

- Yes, that my service will benefit humanity.

- You will go to my laboratories, there you will meet great scientists from other planets and you will all work for my conquest of the universe.

- That must be the entrance to the caverns.

- Flash, we can use those uniforms.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - I'm a prisoner here, like you, but I will devote all my energy to breaking Ming's evil power.

You must help me.

- I will.

- You must know many of the secrets of this place, together we might undue this man who would be dictator of the universe.

- Yes, I do know many things.

- This'll make a good disguise.

- Yes, I was counting on that.

- Radio phone, huh?

- May come in handy.

Now let's hide those guards and try and find Dale.

(dramatic orchestral music) - I beg your pardon, where is the earth girl locked up?

- Why do you ask?

- We're of the Arctic Guard, we've been sent to question her about the possible whereabouts of her companions.

- I've been sent to transfer her to other quarters, you may come with me.

- Thank you, sir.

- I've come to take you to another room, but first, this guard will question you.

- Have you any idea where your companions are hiding?

- No, no, I haven't.

- Did they receive any information regarding the palace, that you know of?

- No.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Dale, here's an order for your release.

Now for a place to hide him.

- Hide him in there.

- What about her?

- Well she's a prisoner also.

You won't give an alarm, will you?

- No, I won't.

- Good girl, now we better lock you up to so you can clear yourself.

- Yes, you must do that.

- Oh here, here's the release.

- Now if we can help Zarkov.

(dramatic orchestral music) - She is to be taken in to Dr. Zarkov, I wish to question each in the other's presence.

- It does not say she should be admitted to the laboratory.

- Nor does it say she she shall not be.

It is an order for her to be moved, where, is a matter for my discretion.

- Dale?

- Stay and watch.

- Why does he bring you here?

- You'll have to ask my escort.

- Flash?

How do you do it?

- It's a long story, Zarkov.

What about him?

- He's a friend, and would become an ally.

But tell me about polarite.

- I landed our shipload on Earth.

- Thank providence for that.

- Now come on, let's get out of here.

- No.

- You're not going?

- No, we could only hide in the caverns.

I can do far more here to assure our venture departure.

With the aid of Karm here, I hope to be able to counteract some of Ming's defensive mechanism.

That will lay him open to attack and aid our cause.

- Well if you're determined to stay, we can keep in contact with this radio phone.

- I'll ascertain its wavelength.

There Flash, I've set it at a very low wavelength.

And I'm making another radio like it.

- Good, then we can keep in touch.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - What's this girl doing here?

- Orders from Ming, sire.

- Orders from Ming?

Guard, arrest this man.

He's Flash Gordon, our most dangerous enemy.

- [Guard] If he's so dangerous, I'll shoot him down right now.

- No.

We must let Captain Torch take him to Ming alive.

Hold him here.

- I'll hold him.

- Nice work, Roka.

- You must hurry and get out of here.

- All right, we'll go down to the caverns and keep in touch with you.

Come on.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - You let Flash Gordon escape you again?

- Thong reported he was in the laboratory, sire, but when I got there- - Silence, inform all guards the reward for the capture of Dale Arden alive, is doubled.

Flash Gordon must be taken too, but not necessarily alive.

- It shall be done, sire.

- It had better be, your life is forfeit if these guards fail again.

- Hello.

Dr. Zarkov?

Yes sir, this is Flash.

- I have learned a lot from our friend Karm.

- We're going to try and locate that Ming spaceship we came in.

- What do you think of his plan?

- Too dangerous, the space courts are too well-guarded.

They must wait until we've mastered the protective mechanism.

- Hello, hello.

Flash?

Karm said you must wait until we can aide you from here.

- But Dr. Zarkov, we're not going without you.

- You must Flash, Karm and I are working on a plan to destroy Ming's stronghold, even if it means our own death.

(alarm rings) - Zarkov, Zarkov, what was that noise?

- It's an alarm signal, stand by.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Hello, hello, Flash?

It's a fleet of Barin's ships coming this way.

- Good ol' Barin, I knew he wouldn't fail.

- Tell them that now is their chance, all defense mechanisms in the space courts will be switched off as the guards are being reinforced.

- Hello, Flash?

Go to the space court and find the Ming ship you came.

- But Dr. Zarkov, I tell you we're not going without you.

- You go with them, there's no need for both of us to stay.

We could communicate with your phone.

- But how can I get out of here?

- Long ago I prepared a disguise for my own escape, you may have it.

- Hello, hello, Flash?

I'll meet you at the space court.

- Good.

He's coming with us, hurry.

(adventurous music) (light orchestral music) - What makes you think Flash Gordon may try to escape in this ship?

- He came here in it and he'll figure it's his best chance to escape.

- I hope he does, that your fire chemical works.

- It will, and that'll be the end of Flash Gordon.

(dramatic orchestral music) - No ships are to leave ground without special orders.

- That's what you think.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (ship engine explodes) - Flash, Roka's in that ship and it's on fire.

- We'll have to take off in another ship and save him.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Dale, take the controls.

Zarkov, when I get down to the other ship, cast off and circle into me.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Roka?

(suspenseful orchestral music) (Roka coughs) (ship explodes) (Roka coughs) - There are two ships approaching.

I hope Barin is one of 'em.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - A Ming ship immediately at beam, rows within destroyer.

We have attacks this side.

- Ship number five, acknowledging general order from Prince Barin.

- Don't forget this is a Ming ship, better try gettin' him on the radio before he attacks us.

Hurry.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - The radio is dead.

- Barin is closing in.

- Zarkov, we've got to signal him somehow, he'll shoot us down.

- They're spreading out, they'll trap us between them.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (explosion booming) (grand orchestral music) - Huh?

What do you want?

Oh, oh, oh, we're back.

Sorry folks, I wasn't really paying any attention.

I don't know what happened.

Last time I looked, Flash was dressed like a doorman at a big city hotel and some other guy was dressed like Robin Hood.

There was an aerial battle of some kind of ships that looked an awful lot like the old Muppets "Pigs in Space."

And then something exploded.

The end.

But that's just the thing.

It's not the end.

It's never the end.

I just want this to be over.

Okay, hold on.

Let me find my center.

There, I'm calm now.

Mittens, you suppose you could find El Sapo?

It would be nice if he could show up with a movie for tonight.

- Hey, here I am.

Say fellas, how's it going tonight?

How are you boys doing?

Say, are either you in the mood to see a superhero movie?

- Not really.

- Oh, come on.

A good superhero movie is just what we need right now.

Good versus evil.

The good guys versus the bad guys.

A masked hero with a Wolf or a sidekick rising up to face an evil foe.

Maybe, I'm just brainstorm a super villain with horns who wears a red suit or something.

That is a very good description for a bad guy.

Maybe a movie like that would be good for tonight.

- Oh.

Oh, I think I'm starting to get it now.

You found what you think is a superhero movie?

- I sure did.

Here you go, boss.

- Oh, no.

Sapo, this isn't about a superhero.

- Sure it is.

It's called "Octaman."

- It's not a superhero movie.

- Oh sure it is, boss.

Spiderman, Aquaman, Batman and now we have Octaman.

♪ Octaman, Octaman ♪ ♪ Living his life in Octaland ♪ ♪ He's got a whole bunch of arms ♪ ♪ And that makes him Octaman ♪ - Octaman is not a hero.

He's not the good guy.

- Oh.

So he's the bad guy.

- Well, no, not really.

Maybe you could say he was a good guy and he was turned into a bad guy.

It's a bit complex.

- Well, if it's not a hero movie, what kind of movie is it?

- The bad kind.

The very, very bad kind.

The kind of movie that causes empires to crumble, economies to collapse, the kind of movie clinically proven to cause liver spots in laboratory rats.

We simply cannot show this film.

In fact, Mittens, change of plans.

Pull that alarm.

We're evacuating the studio.

This movie is a level-six biohazard and it will permanently injure anyone who watches it.

Secure the hatches, lock the cabinets, just stow everything in the overhead bins.

Return your tray tables to their upright positions because we are leaving, retreat retreat.

We can't be near this film.

- Oh, come on, boss.

Calm down, fellas.

It can't possibly be that bad.

- Oh, oh it is.

- Come on.

There's gotta be something good.

Can you at least tell me who wrote it?

- No, I'm not gonna do it.

- Oh, come on boss.

Tell me something about the writer.

Anything at all?

Tell me his favorite flavor of Jello, his shoe size, or I'll even take his name.

I'll take anything.

- His name was Harry Essex.

There.

That's all you need to know.

- Come on.

Tell me more about this Jerry Essex character.

- Okay.

But remember you wanted this.

He was a writer and director.

- Wow.

What a talented guy.

Could he sing?

Could he tap dance?

Could he knit and crochet?

- Not that I know of.

All I know is that for this film, he was the writer and director.

- At the same time, man, that must have been hard typing out all those pages and handing to them to the cast as he ran the camera and tried to tell the sound man, where to put the mic.

I would get so confused.

- You get confused just trying to do your job.

That's why we have this movie tonight.

- You know, one time I did have two jobs at the same time, emptying bed pans in a hospital and delivering soup.

Now that's two jobs that you do not want to confuse.

It must take a genius to write and direct at the same time.

- It does.

And believe me, this isn't a work of genius.

Only a precious few can direct and write their own films.

Orson Welles could do it.

Ingmar Bergman and Billy Wilder could do it.

I could do it.

But this guy, he can't.

- I bet I could do it, boss.

- No you couldn't.

You'd be worse than this guy.

And believe me, that is saying something.

- Well, let's try to put a positive on a negative.

Was he better at one task than the other?

Tell me about his writing career.

Did he ever write anything good?

- Actually he did.

He wrote "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" and It Came From Outer Space."

Both of those were winners.

"The Creature From the Black Lagoon" was one of the best stories ever told in a film and one that didn't need a retelling.

- That is positive.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Did he ever win any like awards or maybe free donuts for his writing?

- He won a posthumous.

And before you say anything, posthumous means that he was awarded it after he died.

He was awarded a posthumous retroactive Hugo Award for writing the movie, "It Came From Outer Space."

- Maybe, maybe I can win one of them after I pass on.

- Nope.

They only award them to good people.

People like Robert Highland or Larry Nevin or Orson Scott Card, you know, people who can write.

- Well, that certainly takes me out, I guess.

- It certainly does.

You can't even make a shopping list without spelling half the words wrong.

- Well, do this, tell me about the bad stuff he wrote.

- No.

- Oh, come on.

It will help me to better appreciate the good stuff.

You know, like that time you told me that I should give you my pudding for three weeks and that way I would appreciate it more in the long run.

- Yes.

Well, okay.

And again, you asked for this, he also wrote such drivel as "Teenage Crimewave", "Undercover Girl", and I'm not making this one up, "Wyoming Mail", which was about bandits attacking the US mail trains of the 1800s.

And he wrote this monstrosity we have tonight.

- So he wrote two good things and tons, tons of bad things.

Now you said he won one of those Hugo awards for writing.

Did he ever win anything for directing?

- Actually he did.

He won universal scorn and condemnation from right thinking folks, the world over.

- Well, tell me about his direct skills.

How bad could he have possibly been?

- He directed a total of four films.

"I, the Jury" in 1953, "Mad at the World" in 1955, "Octaman" in 1971, and "The Cremators" in 1973.

- I gotta be honest.

I have never seen a single one of those films.

- The only one worth mentioning is "I, the Jury" only because of it was in 3D and it was about Mickey SPillane's flawed detective hero, Mike Hammer.

- Oh, I like those 3D movies, boss.

- Well, yeah, okay.

"I, the Jury" was seldom shown in 3D though 'cause most theaters opted to show it in the standard 2D.

Most felt it wasn't even good enough for 1D.

Sapo, he was just like the kind of director you'd be.

Bad.

But as a writer, I will give you credit where its credit's due.

"The Creature From the Black Lagoon" and "It Came From Outer Space" were pretty good.

- Ah.

But what about the cast?

Is there anyone good in this movie?

Anyone good at all?

- No.

There has never been a more wretched hive of hams and hackery.

Folks, there's no getting out of this rotten pickle El Sapo stuffed us into.

I'm sorry, but it's time to start the film.

So remember my warnings.

now would be a good time to change the channel.

But if you're brave enough, sit back, relax as we present the 1971 fiasco, "Octaman" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(static hissing) - [Narrator] Since the beginning of time, men have roamed the earth and dared the elements in search of adventure.

But today there is a new breed of adventurer, the scientist, who explores uncharted areas of the world not for riches or adventure, but in search of answers to man's problems of pollution and disease.

Such a man on such a quest leads an ecological expedition to a primitive Latin American fishing community, where they uncover the hideous fruit of atomic radiation in the form of a bizarre legend wrapped in terror and written in blood.

(ominous music) (gentle music) - Santiago.

- Si, senorita?

- Did you get your shot?

- [Santiago] Si.

- Good.

- Sampling of blood taken from these primitive people whose main diet is seafood, fish, provides evidence that chemical changes produced by underwater detonations of atomic materials have been carried by tides and currents to all parts of the world.

- Here is what we learned from this morning's blood samples, Dr. Torres.

- God, that's worse than I expected.

- The contamination level?

- It keeps rising.

Damn it, we cannot ask these people to change their diet.

There's no chance of error, Raul?

- I check it again.

- Another month here isn't going to change our findings.

Already these people have absorbed over 100 times the safe amount of radioactive contamination.

- Their main diet is out of the sea.

So what do you expect?

- It's a small world, isn't it?

Well, we might as well tell Carlos we'll pack up and go back to Vallejo in the morning, and I'll prepare a full report for the government.

- You may not wanna leave just yet, Rick.

- What have you got there, Mort?

- That sample of water you wanted from the mouth of the river.

And more.

A lot more.

What you say if I said I had the devil in that canister?

- Well, I would say that Mort Stein has got a cockeyed sense of humor.

- Well, those local villagers aren't the only fisherman around here.

See what I got.

(eerie ambient music) (creature squealing) - Wait.

It stares at you.

As if he's got a brain behind his eyes.

- [Mort] Hey, well, they say the octopus is supposed to be the most intelligent species in the ocean.

- [Rick] Have you ever seen anything like that before, Mort?

- Never.

It must be a hybrid of some sort.

Even a mutation.

- Let's go back to where you found it, Mort.

- I said you wouldn't wanna leave these parts just yet, didn't I, Rick?

(dramatic music) Devil can't weigh more than a few ounces, he rocks the can like a heavyweight.

- Let's not overdramatize, please.

- Let's concentrate on finding more where this came from.

How about it, little fella?

You got any brothers or sisters?

No, Mort, let it go.

It wants to get somewhere.

Up there.

- It seems like it's waiting for a signal.

- You better get it back in the can.

First thing in the morning I'm gonna take this into the research center in Vallejo and show it to Dr. Willard.

- Maybe we'll find one for Raul.

- I'll go too.

I need some civilization for a change.

- Who will keep an eye on the shop?

- Who else?

There's three bags of tobacco and matches, lots of matches.

- Well, we shouldn't be gone more than a day or two.

- Three, the most.

- [Mort] Go on, enjoy enjoy.

- We will call you number two.

(speaks foreign language) To distinguish you from Mr. Stein's discovery.

(creature squealing) (ominous music) Senor?

Or is it Senorita?

(creature growling) (man groaning) (man screaming) (creature squealing) (ominous music) (door clicking) - Rick!

- [Rick] Hello, John.

I'm sorry about the short notice.

- That's all right.

What brings you in?

Business or pleasure?

- [Rick] Both.

You're the business.

Susan is off to the beauty parlor.

- (chuckles) The practical female.

- Well, she can prove it.

You know we got engaged.

- I can't say that I'm surprised.

But you said there was something special that brought you back.

- Yes, indeed there is.

It's dead.

- You had no chance to study its habits?

- No, just a preliminary examination short of dissection.

But we did concur, Raul and Stein and I that it was a find, a mutation of sorts that had all the characteristics of a human cell.

- I'll agree that nowadays we can believe all the studied theory, beginning from the time that man first crawled out of the sea, but frankly, Rick, I don't see any relevance between this and your current field mission.

- But all the data we've gathered so far, John, relates to sea life.

- I'll look.

For the past two years your water tests in various parts of the world have definitely proved something.

But this, our little squid, doesn't establish any relation between its mutation and polluted water.

- Alive or dead, this specimen begs for further study.

Don't you agree, Dr. Jameson?

- I think the possibilities are endless.

Something like this could lead us to the basic structure of life itself.

Even reveal some shift in the evolutionary process that can create something half man, half sea creature.

- John, won't you at least give it consideration?

- I'm sorry, Ricardo.

- We'll just have to get our money somewhere else then.

- Rick, believe me, I hope you succeed.

- Give her some water, Cathy.

Howdy, Doc.

- [Rick] You gotta be Steve Dodd.

Boy, have I heard about you from Susan.

Best wrangler, stuntman, animal trainer around.

- Well, she didn't leave too much out about you either, Doc.

That'll be the best sales pitch I ever got on a telephone.

You gotta be a Einstein and that Soc fella all rolled up into one.

- Well, she filled me in a bit about Johnny Caruso too.

- All Caruso needs to know is that there may be a circus attraction in it.

- What, the circus?

- Hey look, JC is no scientist.

I mean he's run everything from this animal farm to a traveling sideshow outta Coney Island.

Anytime he bankrolls something he wants to know what's in it for him.

- Satisfaction of knowing he's supporting a worthwhile scientific field trip.

- He don't savvy that.

It's that man fish talk that sparked him.

- Man fish too?

- The boss is an ex carny man.

He wants to know what the attraction is.

- You mean?

- That's about the science of it.

- Just the other night on TV I saw one of them old flicks about an ape climbing the Empire State building.

The whole damn army chasing him.

He kept swattin' them airplanes buzzin' around him like they were blue tail flies.

Sic him, Jesse.

(dog whimpers) Frank, this dog's Mr. James' boy.

- [Steve] How about it, Johnny?

- Stevie.

Deal me in.

- Thank you, my partner.

- Welcome back folks.

Honestly, I tried to tell you, I literally got down on my hands and knees and begged you not to watch this movie, but you're all a bunch of daredevils and thrill seekers, I guess.

I guess if you're still watching, I can only tell you this, it's gonna get far, far worse before it gets better.

- Boss, you are right.

This thing stinks to high heaven.

- Well, you're the expert on that.

- Now speaking of stinking, the actors in this movie, and I'm gonna tell you this from the heart, they ain't good at all.

Is there anything you can tell me about them?

- Can, but won't.

- Oh, come on.

At least tell me about the lady.

- Her name is Pier Angeli.

Believe it or not, she was a solid actress who worked with great stars like Gene Kelly, Ricardo Montalbán, and Kirk Douglas.

She was even in "Someone Up There Likes Me", and that film won two Oscars.

Her co-star on that one was Paul Newman.

- The salad dressing guy.

- One and the same.

She was linked to some of Hollywood's best leading men as well.

In Kirk Douglas' autobiography, he says he was engaged to her for a time.

She almost married James Dean, but her mother objected because Dean was not a Catholic.

She was however married to actor, Vic Damone.

- So was my sister, Subpoena Damone.

- No, she wasn't.

Some say Angeli never got over not being able to marry James Dean.

And she lived her whole life carrying a secret love in her heart for him.

In the interview before where she died, she said James Dean was the only man she truly loved.

She died in 1971 shortly after this movie was released.

And this was her final film performance.

- That's sad, boss.

Can you tell me about any of the men in this movie?

Maybe one of them has a good story.

- Nope.

No good stories there.

- Oh, come on.

Tell me about that one guy.

You know, the weird looking guy.

- The one who looks like a poor man's Vic Tayback?

.

No.

No, no, no, no.

You know what I'm talking about, Mittens, the weird, weird looking guy.

- You're gonna have to be much more specific when it comes to these guys.

- The guy with the stupid haircut.

- That's not helping me, Sapo.

- I think his name was Rick or Nick or Mick or something like that.

- Oh yeah.

Him.

Well, his real name is Kerwin Mathews.

- Hmm.

- He's kind of like a big stupid Colossus of Rhodes with one toe in decent movies and the whole other leg and these kinds of movies.

But to be fair, he's played some good characters too.

- Like who, boss?

Tell me.

- Well, he played Sinbad once.

- Oh, that guy is funny, when he talks about how women just love to be shopping or how folks scream their orders at the drive through window because they think the guy can't hear 'em.

Oh man, I have to have Mittens tape up my sides I'm laughing so hard.

- Not that Sinbad.

Kerwin Mathews played the character Sinbad in the movie "The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad."

He played Gulliver in the "Three Worlds of Gulliver."

He played Jack in the movie, "Jack, the Giant Killer", but he was also in such certified natural disasters as "The Boy Who Cried Werewolf" and "Nightmare in Blood."

- I never heard of a single one of those movies.

Boss, here's a dumb question.

- I'd expect nothing but such questions from you.

- That Octaman, he's not real, right?

He's not some poor guy with extra arms they found in a side show like where you found me.

- Of course not.

It's a guy in a rubber suit.

His name is Read Morgan.

And he might be the smartest man in the movie because you never see his face.

He can actually deny ever being in the movie if anyone should ask.

- I gotcha.

People can come up to him and say, "Hey Read, my man, wasn't you in the Octaman movie?

Wasn't you in that movie?"

And he could say, "No, no, it wasn't me.

That wasn't me."

- Exactly.

- Was he in anything else?

- Yes.

And it turns out he should have covered his face each and every time I was placed in front of him.

The man has a mug like rising dough.

- Yes, it is best fit to cover your face when you're on camera, I can tell you that.

What else was the guy in?

- Well, he played a cop in "Back to the Future."

He was in about six billion TV shows from "The Big Valley to "Wagon Train", to "Policewoman", to "Barnabee Jones."

He hit for the cycle when it came to being on cheesy TV shows.

- Was he ever in a good TV show?

- Once.

There's an episode of "The Twilight Zone" where an old peddler sells people, get this, not what they want, but what they need.

- What does that mean, boss?

- What we want and what we need is often confused, Sapo.

The man sold you what you needed that day.

If I met him and it was raining, he would offer me a competent man servant instead of an umbrella, for example.

But in the episode, Read plays a washed up baseball pitcher who needs a bus ticket to Scranton.

Only he doesn't know it yet.

- A bus ticket.

- Yeah.

The man gives him the bus ticket and then in the background, a phone rings.

It's a man looking for him.

He's been offered a job in Scranton.

The guy offering him the job tells him to hop on a bus.

- Well, if he wound up in this movie, I guess that Scranton gig didn't pan out, did it?

And that's a shame.

- This movie is full of shame.

Friends, let's get back to the movie starring Sinbad and the guy who needed a bus ticket to Scranton.

Boy, I wish I had a bus ticket to anywhere, even Scranton right about now.

This is a bad movie, my friends.

You could turn off your set for 45 minutes and not miss a thing.

But if you enjoy seeing long scenes of people staring at each other, or endless shots of an RV driving around, this is your movie.

So please enjoy more of "Octaman" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(upbeat music) - Look!

(car horn honking) - [Rick] We're almost there.

Might as well announce ourselves.

(horn honking) - This place looks deserted.

- I don't understand.

Hello.

Mort, Carlos.

Mort!

Raul.

- Maybe they went to an air cooled movie.

(eerie music) - Raul!

(ominous music) God.

Some animal maybe?

- [Man] Couldn't have been human.

Had to be more than one to do this.

- [Man] Is he the only one you left here?

- No, Mort Stein and Carlos.

Where's Susan?

(dramatic music) (creature growling) (ominous music) Darling, what are you doing down here?

Come.

- Never even saw what happened, Rick.

I'd gone into town to check on some of our control cases.

Carlos took off to visit his parents.

We'd found a second squid and Raul was preparing it for dissection.

(speaking in foreign language) - I am the jefe of the village of Desarcol.

May I see where it happened?

- Yes, of course.

- They tell me there's some sort of superstition about a half man, half sea serpent with many arms, but no one yet has seen it, senor.

- Si, from my grandmother I have heard about this strange creature.

She is now gone (speaks foreign language).

With the Senor's permission.

- The boy, he draws well, he makes things of wood and clay to sell them in the market place.

- On dark night, these eyes shine like the moon, my grandmother says.

- Where did your grandmother say the strange creature might be found?

- I could lead you there, amigo.

- Senor, according to his grandmother, his father was taken by such a creature.

This happened a long time ago.

(ominous music) (man screaming) But he's also said, senor, that his grandmother was a woman with a big imagination.

- I will show you the place of which my grandmother told me, Senor Torres.

- [Man] Okay.

(dramatic music) - It is smaller than the lake in our village.

And beyond is another lake, and beyond that still another, all connected like links on a chain.

But it is here that my grandmother said they live.

- Well, lets break camp and follow those beads.

(dramatic music) (dramatic music) - I'm tired, Pedro.

(ominous music) I think it's better we go home before it gets dark.

(speaking in foreign language) (man speaking in foreign language) (creature growling) (ominous music) (creature growling) (speaking in foreign language) (men laughing) (ominous music) (man gasping) (man groaning) (man groaning) (gentle guitar music) - Music has charms.

- To soothe the savage breast.

- Let's hope those demons we're after are aware of it.

(bird chirping) - In a place like this you begin to think of God and creation.

- The question is, have we improved any since creation.

- Sure.

We make mistakes, we also make progress, some good, some bad.

It's all part of man's journey.

Young people, underneath all that hair and revolt, they know what it's about.

They know what we're doing to our earth, our water, our air, everything that grows.

- How do you see it, Mr. Carusso?

- I don't savvy all that talk about us poisoning the earth.

- Well, the kids in my biology class must have learned something.

They're busy recycling everything from Coke bottles to plastic containers.

- Well, you bring 'em the arguments, Professor.

Me, I'm gonna bring 'em a half man, half sea serpent.

See who they cheer harder for.

(chuckles) (ominous music) - Hello and welcome back to "Nightmare Theatre."

Is there something you like about the show?

Do you have some good insults I can fling at El Sapo.

We'll send them in.

- Tell em, how would one write to us, boss?

- Why, all they have to do is break out the email machine and email us at info@nightmaretheatre.com.

It's so simple, even El Sapo can do it.

- Thanks for that vote of confidence there, boss.

- That was not meant to be a compliment.

Just right to us.

- The water in this lake tests about the same for radioactivity as we found in the village?

- What happens if you drink enough of it?

You turn into a mutant?

- Well, you remember the baby's born six fingers, or without eyes or mouths after Hiroshima?

- That was Japan.

- In our village it was like that.

- Air and water are everywhere.

If you load them with such poison, you are likely to have deformity.

- Like the little squid we saw with the eyes?

- You're gonna tell me that killed your amigo?

- Mutation can be 100 times larger than normal.

- You'll be find me that giant squid, Doc.

We'll all get rich, right, Stevie boy?

(chuckles) - We're about ready to move on.

We'll follow the shoreline along this chain of lakes here.

The way Davido drew it.

(ominous music) (Davido whistling) - What would that be, Davido?

- I do not know yet.

- May I?

You have talent, Davido.

- Gracias.

I know.

Someday, maybe I take lessons in your escuela, senor Mort.

- (chuckling) My escuela will only teach you how to mug somebody.

- Que?

- They'll only teach you how to be like all the others.

- Okay.

(Davido whistling) (ominous music) (bird chirping) - Oh it's you.

I'm afraid, Rick.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched.

- I know.

I've seen you like this before.

It's as though you were listening to something.

But what is it that you hear?

- Whispering.

Fine.

And I want to run, yet I can't.

(ominous music) - This way.

(speaking in foreign language) Come.

- Don't you ever sleep?

Hey, what's bitin' you lately?

- I don't know.

I got a hunch we're coming up empty this trip.

- [Davido] It is as my grandmother said it would be.

The place of meeting, I saw many of them here calling to one another.

(ominous music) - It's gone.

First thing in the morning, we'll set up camp around here, and bring up the equipment.

(ominous music) (thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - So you see, when you buy a pack of hot dogs, there are 10 hot dogs in there, but when you get a pack of buns, there's only eight buns.

- It's like four extra.

- Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, we're here.

Wait, hello again.

And welcome to "Nightmare Theatre."

We're we're back here, down in the sub sub subbasement of the television studio.

Once again with the mysterious curator from the Merrill Movie Museum.

And he's brought us another thing to see here.

It looks, this looks like Sapo before he moisturizes.

- That's right.

Exactly.

- Well, this is actually a couple of pieces used in the making of "Gremlins 2: The New Batch" with effects and makeup done by of course the multi-Academy Award winning Rick Baker.

And I wanted to bring, we've had a full size "Gremlins" puppet on the show before that was made for the film.

This is a couple other pieces that would've been used.

I kind of wanted to show some of the ways things are used in movies where you wouldn't necessarily need a whole thing or there'd be different pieces you'd use for different situations.

So this is a brown gremlin hand, as you can see, and this is operated via a cable puppet, so when they needed a scene and in particular, this would've been used in the scene where Phoebe Cates is in the elevator and all the arms are reaching through the walls of the elevator to grab her.

And in fact, there's a publicity shot where you can see these arms in the shot, where the fingers would be operated via this cable mechanism.

And so they'd be able to have just the arm in there without having to build an entire creature or try to operate or put in via computer graphics, whatever.

- So it's cheap.

- Right.

There are other scenes in the film where there may not be humans in the shot and they can get away with just using stop motion animated figures, like the smaller figure.

In particular, again, with the elevator, these were used a lot when the gremlins were riding on top of the elevator.

- It's a small elevator then.

- Yeah, I've actually seen the elevator.

- No.

- It's just a model.

You know, that's in to scale with this guy and several other these guys that are riding on top and messing with the mechanisms and they'd do this via stop motion animation.

They would just slowly move the armature where they needed to to get the shots.

So not everything that they would've shot would've been a full scale gremlin puppet or something like that.

- Right.

- With human actors, when they're doing scenes where the humans aren't needed, they can get away with something like this.

Or if they're doing something where you don't need to see the whole gremlins, sometimes it makes more sense to use something like this.

- Yeah.

And obviously a film like "Gremlins", very intensive, a lot of gremlins in the film.

So they would probably use these in multiple places, different shots to kind of simulate that they had a whole army of these gremlins out there.

- Yeah.

If you remember at the climax of the movie in particular, there's the gremlins have taken over the lobby of this, you know, massive skyscraper and there's literally hundreds of gremlins in that shot.

They probably did not use full size puppets for all of that.

They were no humans in the shot.

They probably used a lot of these small guys.

- Yeah.

To just fill in that background area.

And you know, in other films, they've done it in the past.

I know one of the most kind of egregious ones is in the original "Planet of the Apes" films, by the time they got to the last films, they would only make makeup for the actors in the foreground and a lot of the background actors, especially when there was a battle scene or something like that, they were just wearing rubber masks.

And you can really tell in those films.

Luckily in films like "Gremlins 2" and "Gremlins", you can't really tell because you had somebody like Rick Baker working on it.

And a guy like Joe Dante shooting it.

People who really knew what they were doing.

And of course, Phoebe Cates was there being her own special effect, just, you know, looking gorgeous in the film.

So to me, that's one of those films that's really a great one to watch if you're interested in special effects and makeup and prosthetics and puppetry and all of that, it all comes together really in a big way in that film.

- Yeah.

There's a whole lot of wonderful practical effects in that film.

- Yep.

- And something that we, unfortunately, we've lost a lot of with CGI.

Although, you know, obviously people love CGI.

Now we can do things much cheaper, much quicker and make it look better in some cases.

But there's nothing that beats the old school practical effects in my mind.

- Well, there's some places too where you see a combination of both and sometimes that blends together really well.

But yeah, the feeling of having something real on camera, it's something that can't be duplicated.

- Absolutely.

So, well, thank you again for showing us this wonderful, stop touching it, stop touching it.

It's from a museum.

And let's get back to the movie here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(ominous music) (man gasping) (man gasping) (dramatic music) - Johnny!

Johnny!

(ominous music) - And you never saw it?

- I couldn't turn around.

I tried to.

But it held me like a nest of snakes.

Carlos got a good look at it.

- [Susan] Take some of this, Johnny.

- Rick, the specimen canister we left on the table is gone.

The killer must have taken it.

(suspenseful music) - I do not mean to frighten you, Senor Torres.

- Carlos is dead.

- I am sorry for Carlos.

It is the Octomano who has killed him.

- How can I believe there exists a sea creatures with the arms of an octopus who walks on the earth like a man?

- Because I have seen him.

Here.

- [Johnny] How would you wrestle a critter like that to the ground?

- [Woman] Tranquilizer gun.

- What the hell did it expect to find here anyway?

- The squid in the canister, Rick said.

- You're trying to tell me that there's some kind of communication between what was in that can and that monster?

(ominous music) (woman screaming) - Johnny!

Johnny!

(Johnny screaming) (suspenseful music) - [Johnny] The horn!

Horn!

(woman screaming) The horn, the horn!

(horn honking) (gun firing) (horn honking) - [Rick] I found the canister, what's happening here?

- Rick.

It was horrible, Rick!

Horrible.

- I guess you saw 'im this time.

Enough to tell ya to get the hell out why we can.

- [Man] Think you hit him, Johnny?

- It's gonna take more than a couple of shots to bring that thing down.

- He leave fresh marks that lead to the lake.

- He will go follow him.

- No, Johnny's right.

We make this last chance count or we get out.

- Right.

Stay right on his tail.

Nail him this time.

- You stay, Davido.

- But Senor Torres.

- Somebody has to look after the senorita.

(dramatic music) There's an extra gun under the driver seat.

Better keep it handy.

- Be careful.

(dramatic music) - Hello and welcome back.

- Boss, before you say anything else, please, please tell me there is some good about this movie.

It was that lady's last movie.

Any chance there was someone else good, maybe their first movie.

- You know, Sapo.

It kind of was.

Friends, despite how vile the characters in this movie are, despite the slow pacing of the action, despite well, everything, there is something historically relevant when it comes to this movie.

- It's that guy, right?

The guy with the bandanas and the long hair, the guy carrying the lady purse.

He's the important thing, isn't he?

- Sapo, it's not a purse.

It's a satchel.

And men have carried them for centuries.

But no, it's not him.

It's Rick Baker.

- Oh, even I've heard of that guy.

- Oh really?

You've heard of Rick Baker.

- Oh, indeed.

Along with his brothers, Kenny Baker and Joe Don Baker, Rick Baker was part of The Fabulous Baker Boys, a singing group in the 1960s.

- That is not true.

"The Fabulous Baker Boys" was a middling drama, starring Jeff Bridges and Michelle Pfeiffer.

None of the guys you mentioned were even remotely connected to that film.

Kenny Baker was a friend of mine and was in such films as "Time Bandits", "The Elephant Man", and the "Star Wars" trilogy.

Joe Don Baker was and is a hapless, slobbering goon.

He played Buford Pusser in "Walking Tall" and he also played Mitchell in a movie called "Mitchell"?

Rick Baker on the other hand, hey, why, wait, why am I explaining all of this to you?

- Because you like to talk, you love the sound of your own voice.

- Yes I do.

And intelligent people like to hear me talk as well.

- I love to hear you talk, boss.

Does that mean I am intelligent?

- No.

- Oh, come on, boss.

Come on.

I was kidding.

I only mentioned "The Fabulous Baker Boys" 'cause I found that DVD hidden under your pillow when I was cleaning your room.

- Liar!

It's not there.

That's not true.

It was planted there.

Someone is out to frame me.

It's a conspiracy.

- Oh, come on, boss.

It's all good.

It's all good.

We're friends here.

We all like things that we like to keep secret.

Mittens, he likes red corduroy pants.

And I like shows about competitive bass fishing.

There's no shame in having hidden passions.

- I will neither confirm nor deny the presence of that film my room.

By the way, hypothetically, if you did find it there, what would you have done with it?

Hypothetically speaking.

- Why, I left it right next to that "Steel Magnolias" DVD.

- Another lie.

- Whatever you say, boss, but just tell me about this Nick Baker guy.

If he wasn't a Fabulous Baker Boy, then I guess I really never have heard of him and I was making that up.

- Oh my, I'm shocked.

You have never heard of one of the greatest makeup artists of all time.

- Oh, I heard of Mary Kay, Max Factor and Estee Lauder, they're makeup artists.

- They are not, they produce and sell makeup products.

Rick Baker is a guy who creates makeup effects for movies.

How can you not know about Rick Baker?

Mittens, hand that can of corn.

If I ask this can of corn who Rick Baker is, the can will know, but you don't know who he is.

- That can is always outshining me.

Okay.

You tell me, tell me who is this Mick Baker?

- Rick Baker!

He's one of the greatest of all time.

A legend.

He's been nominated 12 times for an Academy Award and has won seven for makeup effects.

- And I'm right behind him with zero wins so far.

- [Baron] Whatever.

Baker was the first recipient of the Academy Award for best makeup.

He won it in 1981 for "An American Werewolf in London."

- Well, but well, boss- - Nope, nope, nope.

Don't, don't bother saying you've never heard of that movie.

No one cares.

What they do care about is Rick Baker and his many awards.

When won his first one, it was presented to him by Vincent Price at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

Nothing?

You aren't gonna say you never heard of Vincent Price.

You aren't gonna claim that you were once married to Dorothy Chandler.

You aren't gonna claim your uncle Oscar was the model for the Oscar statue.

- No, but I was gonna say, I have seen "An American Werewolf in London."

- Really?

- I have.

And I have some ideas that you might find interesting.

Would you care to hear about what I think about that movie?

- Well, yes I would.

How about sharing your views with me while the folks get back to the movie.

That would give us the opportunity to fully discuss your thoughts and ideas before we share them with the good folks at home, you know, just in case I can help you refine them.

Maybe you publish your views.

- I would sure like that, boss.

Now let me begin by going back to the magical year of- - Hold on, before we begin.

Mittens, please slide that bowl over to me.

- Oh, a bowl snacks.

- There.

Now you can begin.

Folks, while he does, let's get back to "Octaman", here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- Now I'm gonna tell- - Senator, the floor is yours.

- I'm gonna tell you about this movie.

(ominous music) - Cut the light.

(ominous music) Look out, Rick, get out of the way!

- [Man] Push it over.

- Steve, get the motor started.

- [Mort] Help!

(guns firing) - Hang on, Mort.

Take it easy, Mort.

- Here.

Hang on.

(ominous music) - Hold.

Start the motor, Stevie.

(Mort coughing) - Johnny.

- Yeah?

- If it's any consolation to you, it wasn't a thing that will shoot him.

Davido.

Davido.

(ominous music) Davido.

(ominous music) Davido.

Davido.

- Where's the kid?

- I don't know.

- Well, he oughta know better.

(ominous music) - Damn it.

(Johnny groaning) (Susan screaming) - Take the oars.

(dramatic music) Thank you, Mort.

Here, take the gun.

- Go on, Rick.

(Mort coughing) (Susan screaming) - There it is.

No, it's too risky.

Don't let him get near the water, Steve.

Keep it in his face, he doesn't like that light.

Keep flashing it, Steve.

I've got an idea.

- Hurry up, Doc, I can't hold it much longer.

(creature growling) I got him.

- Keep away from him, Steve.

The fire oughta burn up the oxygen all around him.

(ominous music) - And that's why I am convinced "The Golden Girls" is a direct rip off of "An American Werewolf in London."

QED ex post facto.

Boss, boss.

- Oh.

Oh, welcome folks.

Welcome back.

I have no idea what El Sapo said and what's more, I don't want to know.

Would any of you value the opinion of a man who delivered this movie to us tonight?

The movie is awful.

- But there are a few neat things about this movie though.

- Oh really?

Really?

And you searched through years of research on this film and found these items yourself?

- Well, no, no, no.

I ran into that guy who lives down into basement.

He was kicking the candy machine on level eight because it stole his nickel.

- And what did he tell you?

And did he break the machine?

- Yes he did, he did.

And he told me this, this movie appears in a few other films.

You can see a clip from this movie in- - "Fright Night?"

Yeah, I know.

In "Fright Night", they call this movie "Mars Needs Flesh."

- And it's also in- - "Gremlins 2", where it's called "Attack of the Octopus People."

- But you like those movies.

If movie is referenced in some of those movies, isn't there something, at least something good in it.

- You'll notice that combined those two movies used about 20 seconds of this loaded diaper.

This movie neither impressed or inspired anyone.

- It did me, boss.

It did me.

And I have me some ideas.

- Oh boy.

- Folks, let me ask you something.

At the end of the day, what is the Octaman?

- A fictional creature stinking up a bad movie.

- No, he's a single dad just trying to get by.

Think about it.

He really only got mad when they snatched his kids.

And why did they snatch his kids?

- What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking about literally anything else while you rambled.

- They snatched his kids because he couldn't find good childcare.

And that, boss and Mittens, is where we come in.

- Oh no.

Here we go.

Here we go.

- Yes, we do.

Soon 37 states and two US territories will see the grand opening of El Sapo's Critter Care.

Uncle, I should say.

Uncle El Sapo's Critter Care Club.

Soon these clubs will be in every state.

Well, every state with Octaman and Bigfeet.

I babysit Bigfeet too, or at least I plan to.

- No one is gonna license you to watch house plants, much Less, living creatures.

- Oh.

That is where you are wrong, boss.

Because I am already taking care of several of them.

I brought one of them with me today.

- You're already licensed.

- Yeah, sure, whatever.

Probably.

By the way, you know these things with the way they wiggle and a-jiggle and a-squiggle, I don't know how they ever got caught by those scientists.

And here's something they don't tell you in nanny school, these things bite.

- [Baron] Good.

I hope they bit off all 13 of your fingers.

- Ohm, listen to me.

The ones that do bite me, they won't do it but once.

- Yeah, I imagine one taste to you is all it takes.

- Oh, no, no.

The ones that bite me lead to my next idea.

Uncle Sapo's Calamari Cookbook.

- [Baron] That's horrendous, Sapo.

You can't eat those things.

- [El Sapo] You didn't have a problem with 'em at lunch.

- What?

Oh Lord, I gotta get outta here.

I gotta take a break.

- Do you want to hear about my Octasuit with eight arms, eight functioning arms, just perfect for hanging clothes on the line.

- I don't.

- Or my Octaman marriage service where I- - [Baron] No!

- Lonely Octamen with suitable wives.

Well Mittens, I guess it's just you and me right now.

Can I interest you in some calamari?

Of course it's gluten free.

Folks, why don't you all get back to the movie?

You know, I forgot to tell the Baron about my Octaman's language course.

You can learn it in just 16 days.

Remind me later.

Mittens.

(thunder crashing) - Did he make it, Doc?

- I don't know.

He may have been out of the water too long.

- Suppose he wasn't.

How do you control him?

- He's pumped full of tranquilizers.

And if worse comes to worst we've always got these.

- I still say we get out now.

- We can't.

- Why not?

It's my bankroll.

And I say we go back.

- We must do some studies in its natural habitat.

(thunder rumbling) - Well, don't count on me.

(thunder crashing) - Yeah, Rick, go on, you haven't had any sleep in the whole night.

- Yeah, Doc, Mort and me and the kid will take turns lookin' after our friend here.

- All right.

(ominous music) (thunder rumbling) - [Man] Better hit him with another tranquilizer shot.

(gun firing) (thunder snapping) (dramatic music) - Sleep at the post.

I'll be shot at sunrise.

- [Susan] Not if your prisoner doesn't escape.

- I must say, Susana, your courage in the face of the enemy is inspiring.

- I never thought of him as the enemy.

- Beauty and the beast.

The old fairytale about the lonely beast.

- Oh (speaks in foreign language).

- All he wanted was to be loved, belonged.

- Well, isn't that what we all want?

(dramatic music) - It smells good after the rain.

- Mm-hmm.

- Sounds of the unseen world.

- I wonder about that language.

So lonely, so painful.

- Maybe what sounds like pain to us is just the opposite to them.

(creature growling) Keep his attention.

So I can get to get to my gun.

(creature growling) (ominous music) - Back.

Back.

Back.

Back!

Back.

Back.

Back.

(ominous music) There was no warning.

All of a sudden he was up and bellowing.

- You wouldn't have believed it unless you'd been here.

She actually got to him.

- He could have gone into the brush or the lake.

- Hey Mort.

With all of those Molotov cocktails to protect us.

You got your matches wet, Mort boy?

- The rain revived him, I couldn't help it.

- Now maybe you'll agree the safari's over.

Let's make tracks, Doc.

- We can't give up so close to a significant find.

- Stevie.

- The way I see it, JC, it just ain't our decision to make.

- Okay.

Okay.

- There is a place, a last place he will go and hide, Senor Torres.

Where the lake grows narrow on its way from the sea.

- We'll break camp as soon as it's light.

(ominous music) - If we had us some horses we might get around it.

- Well, whatever put it there doesn't want us out of here.

- There's rope and chain in that toolbox.

Let's see if we can pull this thing out of here.

(ominous music) (creature growling) Start your motor.

(engine starting) All right, Steve, let it out.

Go on, cut it!

Go on!

Hold it, hold it.

All right, try it again.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

We'll back this thing out of here.

Johnny, get inside.

Quickly, help me untie this.

Davido.

Davido!

- [Davido] Doctor!

Help, quick!

- Where are you?

(ominous music) Davido, are you all right?

- Si.

I follow him here, the Octomano.

- We're going back.

- But I see him.

It's no fair.

You come so far for nada.

- It's finished, Davido.

- Then I go.

- Davido!

- David and Goliath.

It's a democratic expedition, Doctor.

All of us in favor of this discontinuing say I.

So, we go.

(ominous music) - You know, it really was a good idea you had, suggesting we play this game while the Baron is away.

Oh no, no, my friend.

I don't think we ought to play for money.

I learned mine lesson that time when you wiped me out and cleaned me out when we played "Chutes and Ladders."

What?

Oh, I didn't say you cheated.

You must have one of them guilty complexions or something.

All right, you know what?

It's your turn.

I'll roll for you.

No, I'll do it for you, I'll do it for you.

It's a great invention.

These pop-o-matic things.

That way the dice never get lost or eaten.

Whoa, I didn't say that you ate the dice.

Again with the guilt, again, with the guilt.

Okay, I'll move to piece for you.

That's four.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Okay.

And your category is movies.

Yes, movies.

This film written by Harry Essex depicts a team of scientists trying to capture a mysterious am-am-amphibious, amphibious, amphibious.

You know, one of them dudes that can live in both the land and the water, like a salamander or a possum.

Okay, I'll start the question again.

This film written by Harry Essex depicts a team of scientists trying to capture a mysterious amphibious creature.

The creature kills several of them and tries to kidnap the lady.

Okay, ready?

Oh, oh, okay.

You say the answer is "Octaman?"

Let me check.

Oh, no, I'm very sorry.

We were looking for "The Creature From the Black Lagoon."

Nope.

Calm down.

Look for yourself.

It says it right here.

And we have to go with what the card says.

I don't care if you've been watching this movie the whole night and you saw what you saw.

We gotta go with what the card says.

Oh yeah?

Well, I got a news flash for you.

That board game ain't gonna fit where you're telling me to stuff it.

- What is going- - Accept the fact that you got it wrong.

- What is going on in here?

What are you two idiots arguing about?

Let me see the card.

Fellas, this card is only half, right?

- What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You should not get half credit.

The card does not mention "Octaman."

- Sapo, I want you to listen for just a minute.

- Okay, a minute it is, boss.

Go ahead.

- The movie is a direct rip off of "Creature From the Black Lagoon."

It is essentially the same story.

- Well, you said it was written by the same guy, but the cards word is law.

- Let me mediate.

Both movies are valid answers to the question.

Think of this is the Dollar Store "Creature From the Black Lagoon."

- I don't know about that.

- Well, let me explain.

The movies have the same central theme and share many of the same scenes.

There's the attacking the tent scene, the attacking the boat scenes, the scene where he grabbed the lady and then knocking them out with tranquilizers and the scenes we just saw where Octaman blocks the RV with a tree.

- In "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" did he block an RV with a tree?

- [Baron] Well, no, he blocked a boat.

- A-ha, the truth comes out.

- Sapo, listen to me.

It's exactly the same story.

Essex just recycled the entire plot.

You guys have been friends for too long.

I think the fair thing to do would be to ask another question.

- Okay, I guess.

- All right.

I'll pick the card.

The category is TV Shows.

Since we have work to do, the first one to answer this wins the game.

Here goes.

This TV show set in the 1960s depicts the zany adventures of a normal man who becomes involved with a beautiful woman with magical powers who can make anything at all happen by- - Oh no, no, no.

It ain't "Bewitched."

It's "I Dream of Genie."

- Oh boy.

Let's just get back to the thrilling conclusion of "Octaman" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(ominous music) (creature squealing) - [Rick] Do you hear something?

- Behind that wall.

- Let's stay quiet, okay.

- Okay.

- First tracks in that direction.

(ominous music) He's been here.

I'm beginning to wonder if we're following him or he's following us.

(ominous music) (Susan screaming) (gun firing) (ominous music) - Damn it, dead end.

- Let's get the hell out of here.

(suspenseful music) (rocks crashing) (man groaning) (all coughing) (all groaning) - [Man] Gimme a hand!

It's no use.

- The air is bad in here.

- Hey, Johnny.

- Yeah?

- Don't give up so soon.

I remember a movie once.

About a submarine trapped on the bottom of the ocean.

The idea was to save oxygen by not getting too excited.

- She's right, Johnny.

If you get excited, it is gonna use more air.

- There's only one thing different.

Comes quitting time, those guys in the fake submarine go home.

(Davido whistling) (somber music) - Dr. Torres, come, look.

Look, water.

- Where that's coming from.

- You're not going there.

- I have to see where it leads.

- To water and drowning if we're lucky.

- But there's barely room for you Rick.

- You'd be surprised what the body can compensate in the face of survival.

- I am small, I go.

- Davido.

You all right?

- Don't worry.

(dramatic music) (dramatic music) - [Rick] That's 5000 you owe me, Steve.

- [Steve] Give me a chance to get even.

- [Rick] I like to quit while I'm ahead.

- Back.

Back!

Back!

Back!

(dramatic music) (dramatic music) (ominous music) - Senor Torres!

Senor Torres, we free.

It come out on the lake side.

May be tight for Senor Johnny.

- Haven't you heard how the body compensates in the face of danger?

- Steve, you follow the boy.

Johnny, next.

(suspenseful music) (Susan groaning) - Look, we've been going in a circle!

- We're right back where we started from.

- Come on, Mort.

- Yeah, but we still got that log to negotiate.

- [Man] You ever hear of reverse gear?

- The same way we got in we'll get out.

(all screaming) (suspenseful music) - Look out, Stevie!

Stevie, look out!

(suspenseful music) (Susan gasping) - Here.

Me.

Me, me.

Here, me.

Me.

Here, here, me.

Me, me.

Here.

Me.

Me.

(ominous music) - Steve, don't chance it!

(creature growling) (gun firing) (dramatic music) (guns firing) (dramatic music) (dramatic music) (water splashing) (dramatic music) - Well, there you go.

You see guys, it's just about the same ending as "Creature From the Black Lagoon."

- Yeah, but that scene where that guy opened the door to the RV and Octaman whacked him in the face.

That was great.

- I agree.

Pow, right in the kisser.

Great scene.

- Boss, this movie was bad, but it was that guy, Nick, Nick, Nick Baker's first movie.

So that's good.

Good and bad.

It's one of them, the contradictions.

- Well, fortunately Sapo, I am a man who does know how to sell a contradiction.

Something can be good and bad at the same time.

For example, we have a pretty good operation here.

Mittens and I are good and you, well you're bad.

Octaman was a good guy for the most part until they snatched his kids.

Pier Angeli and Rick Baker were good people attached to this bad, bad movie.

Harry Essex wrote some great things, but fell through the floor of the outhouse on this one.

- I have been there, Brother Essex.

- A few things in this world are cut and dry, one or the other, this or that.

There are often multiple factors to consider before you evaluate something.

- I think I know what you mean.

- I'm not sure you do, but I'm just gonna nod politely and pretend to agree.

Life is short, Sapo.

One minute, you're an Oscar-winning movie star starring with Paul Newman.

The next minute you're in an RV in the woods with a guy who played Sinbad while running from another guy wearing a rubber suit.

One minute, you're making a silly Octaman costume, the next minute you're on stage picking up your seventh Academy Award.

Things can go either way.

- Oh, man, I get you.

So you're saying that even I could it better.

- Yeah, I don't see how, but yeah, sure.

The point is to treasure every moment.

Your whole life can change in an instant.

Good can turn bad and bad can turn good on a dime.

What's bad for one person might be great for another, right, Sapo?

- Right, boss.

- Are you ready to go from bad to good?

Have I motivated you, inspired you?

- Yes, boss, you have.

- Great.

Then what do we have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss.

- [Announcer] We interrupt the music to bring you a news bulletin concerning the fiery object that was reported to have crashed in the hills east of town an hour ago.

No trace of any wreckage or debris has been found.

(ominous orchestral music) Said they were just preparing to retire for the night when they saw a bright flash through their bedroom window.

The witnesses were unable to say exactly how far away the fireball fell.

And it is believed that this is the reason the searchers have been unsuccessful in locating it.

Stay tuned to the station for further developments as they occur.

- What in the world do you think it was?

- Not from this world, baby.

You heard what the man said.

It came from the sky.

(ominous music) (woman screaming) (siren wailing) - Sapo.

- Yes, boss.

- Earlier I heard you mention something about an invention you made with eight arms.

Go get it.

I'm gonna beat you with all eight arms at once.

And mittens is gonna lend me his two arms as well.

Folks, Mittens and I have some work to do here.

So until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(upbeat rock music) (thunder crashing)