(narrator) CBS presents this program in color.

(applause) Thank you very much.

Tonight we have, um, aside from our regulars on our show, Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner and Harvey Korman, we have the very lovely and talented Miss Liza Minnelli.

(applause) And one of my favorite actors, Mr. Jack Palance.

Jack, would you come out and say hello?

(applause) (exclaims) Before we get started, I thought maybe we could turn up the lights and have our little talk and everything before we're ready.

Could we turn them up, please?

Good.

(laughter) Yoo-hoo!

They're drunk in the booth.

(laughter) Are there any questions you might like to ask tonight before we get started with the show?

(audience member #1) The one they call your sis, is that really your sister?

(Carol) Oh, you mean on the show, the girl who's playing my sister, is she really my sister?

No, she's not.

Her name is Vicki Lawrence and we have her playing my sister because my real sister isn't the type.

Uh, my real sister looks like Sophia Loren and that's, uh, sad.

(laughter) For me it's sad, you see?

So uh, we didn't want to get my real sister on the show, as I said, cause she well--anyway, yes?

(Daniel) Where did you get that beautiful dress?

(Carol) Where did I get this beautiful dress?

How sweet of you to ask.

Our costume designer designed it, Mr. Bob Mackie, and he designs all these things and then, I was in all day polishing them.

(laughter) He got the material at White Front.

(laughter) You're awful cute, what's your name?

-Daniel.

-Hm?

-Daniel.

-Danielle?

-Janelle.

-Daniel.

(Carol) Daniel.

You look like a girl, your name's Daniel.

You're a boy?

Are you a boy?

Stand up!

You are a boy!

It's his hair!

(laughter) One mark.

I'm sorry, Daniel.

What, darling?

(Daniel) I just got it cut a month ago.

(Carol) You just had it cut a month ago?

(laughter) You're very cute, boy or girl, you're a doll.

(laughter) Any other questions?

Yes, sir?

Or are you a lady?

(laughter) (applause) (audience member #2) What are you doing after the show tonight, Carol?

Oh!

What do you have in mind?

I don't know, see you later!

Any other questions before we go?

Hm?

-Yes, sir?

-Is it true to get on television all you need is a pretty face?

(Carol cackles) He says "Is it true to get on television all you need is a pretty face?"

Yes.

(laughter) Driving you crazy, honey?

(laughter) What are you doing after the show?

Any other questions, hm?

Oh, I wanted to tell you about, um, is Harvey back there?

Will he come out or not?

Or is he getting dressed?

Oh, he was, ugh, I'm sorry.

Maybe you could go back and help him, you know.

But we've got a surprise in store too for you tonight.

We're doing kind of a little musical type thing and Harvey and Lyle have been singing which has been kind of a hoot.

Since Harvey's getting dressed I thought maybe I'd bring Lyle out.

Lyle, would you come out, please?

Our announcer, Lyle Waggoner.

(applause) I had never known that, you know, Lyle could even carry a tune or anything before this week and he's singing up a storm.

Have you taken lessons, or what?

(Lyle) No, I'm having a lot of fun though.

(Carol) Uh, you know, you sing later on in the show but you don't really sing to me, or, uh, I thought that--would you like, sing a song to me now?

-Something.

-I'd love to, Carol.

(Carol) Okay, what song?

-What would you do?

-How about uh, "All of Me."

(Carol) Yeah, how 'bout it!

Harry, could you, uh, what key do you sing it in?

(Lyle) Uh, don't ask me.

-M. -M. (soft music) ♪ ♪ All of me ♪ ♪ ♪ Why not take all of me ♪ ♪ ♪ Can't you see ♪ ♪ I'm no good--♪ (Carol) Oh, God!

I can't!

Wait, Harry.

I really--it's the hardest thing in the world.

I don't know how they do it in the movies, you know, where the girl just stands there and goes, mm, you know, and the guy's singing to her and everything.

I don't--I don't know how they-- would some lady like to come up and have Lyle sing?

(Lyle) Not a bad idea.

No volunteers.

(Carol) There's a cute little redhead out there.

-I'll say.

-Look at her.

Want to come up?

Come on.

Come on up.

Lyle will sing to you.

-Would you?

Come on.

-Come on, give me a break.

(applause) -She's cute.

-Mhm, mhm.

-Hi.

-Always get these redheads.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Sue.

-Hi, Sue, how old are you?

-Uh, 15.

(Carol) Do you think you can keep a straight face?

(Sue) I'm gonna crack up.

(Carol) Okay, Harry, I want to watch, see how Sue does it.

(soft music) ♪ ♪ All of me ♪ ♪ Why not take all of me ♪ ♪ ♪ Can't you see ♪ ♪ I'm no good without you ♪ ♪ ♪ Take my arm ♪ (laughter) ♪ To lose them ♪ ♪ Take my lips ♪ ♪ I want to use them ♪ ♪ ♪ Your goodbye left me with ♪ ♪ Eyes that cry ♪ ♪ How can I ♪ ♪ Go on, dear ♪ ♪ Without you ♪ ♪ ♪ You took the part ♪ ♪ That once was my heart ♪ ♪ So why not take ♪ ♪ All of me ♪♪ ♪ (applause) -What'd you think of that?

-Uh, wasn't bad.

(laughter) (Carol) Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(upbeat music) ♪ (applause) (Lyle) The Carol Burnett Show is brought to you by Anacin.

It's a specific compound that relaxes tension as it relieves headache pain.

Anacin.

Now when you have a teenage sister living with you, as I did for many years, you get an opportunity to observe the younger generation up close and sometimes, I must admit, it was a little too close for comfort.

For instance, there was a time when my sister, Chris, had a very important date and the evening started out as it usually did with Christine on the telephone.

(Christine) Yeah, uh-huh, gee, what a gas.

Well, that place is so gyruscous.

Gee, Stanley, that sounds really heavy.

-Get off the phone.

-That sounds like -the living end.

-Get off the phone.

-You're aggravating yourself.

-I just wish I had some stock in the telephone company, that's all.

(Christine) Yeah, they're really out of sight.

-Get off the phone.

-Well, I'll see you later, Stanley, my brother-in-law is giving me the hairy eyeball.

Carol, Stanley Hinkle is coming over.

-Get off the phone!

-He's the grooviest guy I know.

He's out of sight!

He's what's happening.

-Hm.

-Hm, hm.

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

Hm.

(Christine) I better get dressed, here.

(Roger) She must be sick, she didn't eat the peel.

(Carol) Roger, you know, I think she really likes this guy.

-Oh, yeah?

-You know what else I think?

-What?

-I think we ought to try -to make a good impression.

-Oh, yeah?

Like how?

-Like this to begin with.

-Oh, come on.

That's a dollar cigar.

What else you doing?

(Carol) Well, I think also you could shave.

(Roger) Shave?

Whose date is he anyway?

Mine or Chris's?

-Chris's.

-Well, then let her shave.

(Carol) Roger, Chris is going to go out with this fella tonight.

(Roger) Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean--whoa, whoa, whoa.

You mean, he's actually going to physically take her from this house and she's going to leave the phone?

-Yes.

-Why didn't you say so, you foolish lady.

(Carol) You know, she's never been this excited about a fella before.

I wonder what he's like.

(doorbell dinging) (Christine) That's him!

Get the door!

I'm in the bathtub.

(Carol) All right.

Hell-- (laughter) (hippie) Peace.

-Chris?

-What?

(Carol) Forget the bath.

(laughter) Thank you, I'll--I'll put these in water for Chris.

(hippie) Wait, give me back those flowers.

Do you hear me?

You can't have those.

Those flowers are a symbol for me.

-Of what?

-Of sharing.

(Carol) I'm Carol, Chris's sister.

(hippie) Oh, man, aren't we all brothers and sisters in a way?

(Carol) Yeah, yeah, I guess, uh, philosophically speaking, I guess you would say some of us--You answer him.

(Roger) I'm still shaking.

Guess you could say we're all brothers and sisters in a way.

(hippie) Yeah, man, that's beautiful.

(Roger) Oh, thank you.

I just thought of it.

Hey, won't you sit down, uh... Yeah, anywhere.

-Sorry, I forgot your name.

-Oh, I haven't got a name.

I don't believe in them.

You just call me whatever you think I should be called.

(laughter) (Carol) Uh, could I see you for a minute?

Would you excuse us for a minute please, Weirdo.

No--no smoking.

(laughter) (applause) Roger, I think I know how to get rid of him.

(Roger) Why?

What do you mean?

What do you want to get rid of him for?

(Carol) Roger, that boy is a hippie and you know what they do.

-What?

-I thought you knew.

-He's all right.

-Oh, look at him.

-He shouldn't be doing that.

-Why not?

(Carol) All the dirt's rushing to his head.

(Roger) Oh honey, he's just a nice, harmless kid -going through a phase.

-Well, I don't like it.

-Why is he acting so crazy?

-I don't know.

Maybe he thinks this is his draft board.

(Carol) I don't think we should let Chris go out with him.

(Roger) Don't be silly, he's harmless.

Probably going to take her to a neighborhood movie -or something.

-Well, I'll find out.

Uh, boop-boop.

Uh, excuse me, uh, uh, Untouchable.

What movie are you and Chris gonna see tonight?

(hippie) Movie?

We're not going to no movie, man.

-We're going to a love-in.

-Did you hear that?

(Roger) I heard that, I'm going to get rid of him.

What do you mean?

Why not?

Nobody knows his name, nobody will ever know he's missing.

(Carol) You don't understand teenagers.

You have to use reverse psychology.

Now if we show Chris we don't like the boy she's going out with then she's going to like him more, you see.

But we gotta make him feel at home and make him believe that we love him because if she thinks that we love him then she won't like him.

-You got it?

-No.

(laughter) (snapping) -Hey, baby, where's it at?

-I don't know, man.

-It's--it's out of sight.

-Yeah, I'm hip.

I'm hip.

-Roger, are you hip?

-Oh, I'm hip.

I'm hip.

I'm uncomfortable but I'm hip, yeah, yeah.

(Carol) Daddy's a big camp, ain't he?

(hippie) Seems to have a lot of hang-ups.

(Carol) Yeah, you ain't kidding.

-He's always copping out.

-Hey, you ever try meditation?

-It's my way of life.

-Groovy!

(humming) (humming in unison) (Christine) What's with you two?

(Roger) What do you mean?

We're hip, man, we're hip.

(Christine) What are you doing here, Sickie?

(Carol) Well, he's the groovy guy you're going out with.

-Thank you.

-I wouldn't go out with that.

He's the creep that hangs around school all day.

-I can't stand him.

-Well, it doesn't matter what you think anymore, I found friends here tonight.

Your sister's a gag.

(shouting) -Roger, get rid of him.

-All right.

(Christine) Hey goof, why don't you split before Stanley gets here.

(Roger) Eh, he doesn't understand you, Chris.

Hey, man, how'd you like to take a trip?

Huh?

-Groovy.

-Yeah, yeah, grab your horn.

Come on.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

-Yeah, way out, way out.

-Oh yeah?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Let's go!

Five, four, three, two, one.

(laughter) (Christine) Thanks, Roger.

(Carol) Honey, I'm sorry.

I thought that was the guy.

I'm sorry I even thought you'd like somebody like that.

(Roger) Hey, maybe you have more taste than I thought.

(Christine) Thank you.

That must be Stanley.

(Carol) I'll get it.

You just look pretty for your date.

(laughter) (upbeat music) (applause) It's always a pleasure to welcome back to our show the very nice, very lovely and very talented, Miss Liza Minnelli.

(applause) (soft music) ♪ ♪ She once had a man, you bet ♪ ♪ She was to marry her love, Rhett ♪ ♪ But came the wedding day ♪ ♪ He and Scarlett, the no-good gal ♪ ♪ Eloped and ran away ♪ ♪ Now she just lives her life while having fun ♪ ♪ Wacka-do-wack, wacka-wacka-do-wack ♪ ♪ And if you want a date she'll give you one ♪ ♪ But mister, let me warn you from the start ♪ ♪ ♪ That one is all you'll get from ♪ ♪ Butterfly McHeart ♪ ♪ If you suggest a romance ♪ ♪ She'll begin ♪ ♪ Then you turn around and she'll be gone with the wind ♪ ♪ ♪ Here's the story, sir, right from the start ♪ ♪ The tragedy of Butterfly McHeart ♪ ♪ ♪ Poor Butterfly ♪ ♪ She once had a man, you bet ♪ ♪ She was to marry her love, Rhett ♪ ♪ But came the wedding day ♪ ♪ He and Scarlett, the no-good gal ♪ ♪ Eloped and ran away ♪ ♪ And that is why she leads her wretched life ♪ ♪ Poor Butterfly will never be a wife ♪ ♪ From that day her dreams all fell apart ♪ ♪ And they changed her name to Sinful Butterfly McHeart ♪ ♪ Butterfly McHeart ♪♪ (applause) Thank you.

Listen.

Listen.

For this very short period of time that we're spending our lives together, so to speak, I'd like you to do me a favor.

I'd like you to think back in time to all the lovely things that have ever happened to you.

To that day, to that place.

To that time.

That happy time.

(uplifting music) ♪ ♪ Remember the Christmas morning long ago ♪ ♪ The frosted glass ♪ ♪ The dancing snow ♪ ♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember the painted horse ♪ ♪ The carousel ♪ ♪ The chocolate kiss ♪ ♪ The caramel ♪ ♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember a pale, pink sky ♪ ♪ Your first Easter hat ♪ ♪ And if you should ask me why ♪ ♪ The reason I ask you this is that ♪ ♪ I want to remember you remembering ♪ ♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember the day you found the dollar bill ♪ ♪ Or roller skating down the hill ♪ ♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember the compliment you once received ♪ ♪ That lie you told that everyone believed ♪ ♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember your first school play ♪ ♪ The sound of applause ♪ ♪ Why do I go on this way ♪ ♪ I'm only reminding you because I want to remember you ♪ ♪ Remembering that happy time ♪ ♪ You sir, you must--you must put your arm around the lady.

Well, at least hold her hand.

♪ The happy time ♪ And you.

Why do you look so glum?

You must smile here.

You must say, uh, cheese.

♪ The happy time ♪ ♪ Remember a long, deep sigh ♪ ♪ A tentative kiss ♪ ♪ And if you should ask me why ♪ ♪ The reason I ask you that is this ♪ ♪ I'm longing to see you smile and hear you laugh ♪ ♪ So I can have the photograph ♪ ♪ And remember you remembering the happy ♪ ♪ Time ♪♪ (applause) (lively horn music) ♪ (gunfire) ♪ ♪ Chicago, that toddlin' town ♪ (indistinct singing) (applause) ♪ Chicago, Chicago that toddlin' town ♪ -Hey, what do you think, Legs?

-Ah, gee, I don't know, boss.

It needs a feather or something, huh?

(Nails) Hey look, Legs, I'm getting fed up with you being jealous of my good looks, now just remember who I am, see.

Nails Needleman and I run this town, see, see?

All right, all right, now come on, let's get to work.

Where's my secretary, Ms. Hunsaker?

Ms. Hunsaker!

(Ms. Hunsaker) Good morning, sir.

Good morning, hoodlums.

Okay, here's your morning juice, sir.

-Thank you.

-Will you be going to the bank -today, sir?

-Yes, I think so.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Very well, here's your withdrawal slip.

(Nails) Thank you.

Hey, where's the morning mail?

(Ms. Hunsaker) It's soaking in the bathtub, sir.

-Oh, that's good thinking, hey.

-Oh, yes, sir.

And your sweet, dear, little old mother called this morning.

-Where from?

-Alcatraz.

(Nails) Remind me to find out about her parole, huh.

What's on my agenda for today, Ms. Hunsaker?

(Ms. Hunsaker) Ah!

You have a very busy schedule today, sir.

At 10:30 you're going shopping.

-Yeah, what am I gonna buy?

-A governor and a police chief.

And then at 11 o'clock you have an appointment with Mr.

Fingers Levine.

At 11:30 you have a condolence call to Mrs. Levine.

And then right from there you go straight to the courthouse.

(Nails) Oh, yeah sure, I got jury duty today, huh?

-That's right, sir.

-Hey, boss, boss, look what I found snooping around the brewery.

I think you better have a talk with him.

(Ms. Hunsaker) I'm terribly sorry but you can't see him without an appointment.

-He's a very busy man.

-Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, Ms. Hunsaker, I think I can squeeze this one in.

Alright, bub, what are you doing snooping around, huh?

Now who you working for?

Who's your boss?

(Snooper) Nobody, nobody!

Honest, I'm a freelance hood.

(Nails) Now come on, come on for that.

You gotta tell me something, talk!

(grunting) (Ms. Hunsaker) I beg your pardon, sir, was that "Oo-uh" or "Uh-uh"?

-I need it for the file.

-Answer the lady!

(grunting) (Ms. Hunsaker) "Ugh!"

(Nails) You ain't talking, huh?

All right, put him in a steamer trunk and ship him out of town.

-Boy, I'll teach you a lesson.

-Oh, sir, if you're going to teach him a lesson may I suggest that we mail him as educational material?

-It's cheaper that way.

-Yeah.

Now come on, are you gonna talk?

Or is she gonna make up the labels?

Huh?

(Snooper) Okay, okay, Nails, I'll talk.

-I'm working for Fat Marvin.

-Fat Marvin?

Hey, we don't know any Fat Marvin, huh?

(Ms. Hunsaker) Oh, yes sir, we do.

We used to know him as Skinny Marvin.

That was before he started hijacking bakery trucks.

(Snooper) Yeah, he's on his way over here right now -to straighten you out.

-First thing I'm going to do is straighten you out!

All right, fill him full of lead, bust every bone in his body, huh.

Hey, but be careful.

I want to make sure it looks like an accident.

-Gotcha.

-Gotcha, boss.

(Ms. Hunsaker) I'll start with those labels.

(Nails) Uh, Fat Marvin, he wants to have a little meeting, huh?

-Hey, Ms. Hunsaker.

-Yes, sir.

(Nails) Yeah, set up for this business conference, okay.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Oh, yes, sir.

Would you like the black jacks or would the lead pipes be sufficient?

(Nails) No, no, I think it's going to be a long meeting.

I think we better have both of them.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Oh, that's a very good suggestion, sir.

Now does that meet with your approval?

(Nails) I don't know, let me try it, huh.

(banging) Hey!

That works pretty good, hey.

(gangster #1) Boss!

Fat Marvin's here, he just walked in the building.

(Nails) Fat Marvin.

(laughter) (applause) Hey, how are you, huh?

-How are you, buddy?

-It's good to see you.

-Nice to see you, too.

-Nice to see you.

(Nails) Hey, come on in fellas, come on in.

-You know all the boys, eh?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-How are you boys?

-No, no, not that one.

That's my secretary, Ms. Hunsaker.

She's taking the minutes of the meeting.

(Fat Marvin) Oh, it's nice to make your acquaintance, dollface.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Oh and it's a pleasure to meet you, Fat Marvin.

You've been such an inspiration to all the young punks -of America.

-Thank you, sweetheart.

(Nails) Hey, hey, wait a minute.

You didn't come for any social call now.

Come on, what did you come for?

(Fat Marvin) All right, Nails, I'll come right to the point.

Me and the boys don't like the way you been bustling in on our territory.

(Nails) Oh, yeah?

Okay, Fat.

-What are you gonna do about it?

-I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

(laughter) (Ms. Hunsaker) Oh now, Marvin, that was a boo-boo, look, sir.

(Nails) Yeah, you shouldn't have done that, Fat, because you just ruined my sartorial splendor.

Boy, you're going to get it now, I'm telling you.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Oh, wait a minute, sir.

You can't do that.

You haven't called the meeting to order.

(Nails) All right, Ms. Hunsaker, call a meeting to order, okay.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Very well, I now call this meeting to order.

(gun shots) (phone ringing) (gun shots) (phone ringing) (gun shots) Hello?

Hoodlum Headquarters.

Ms. Hunsaker speaking.

Fat Marvin?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry but he's in a meeting.

All right, I'll try and get him for you.

Mr. Marvin, it's your answering service.

(gun shots) I'm sorry, but he just left the building.

(gun shots) (chuckling) (gun shot) (Nails) Ms. Hunsaker, Ms. Hunsaker.

-Yes, sir?

-Take down my will, huh?

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah, to my faithful chauffeur I leave the car and the contents of my trunk.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Uh huh, would you care to list the contents, sir?

(Nails) Yeah, about $250 and the names of the five cops -still loyal to the city.

-Yes, sir, go on, sir.

(Nails) To my faithful butler I leave the contents of my wall safe.

Namely about ten pounds of hot jewelry.

-Yes, sir, go on, sir.

-That's all.

I'll sign it now.

(Ms. Hunsaker) Haven't you forgotten somebody?

(Nails) Oh, yeah please.

Forgive me, forgive me.

Yes, to my devoted secretary, Ms. Hunsaker, I leave the contents of my .45 revolver.

(gun shots) (Ms. Hunsaker) Oh!

What'd you do that for?

(Nails) You know too much.

(lively music) ♪ (applause) (jaunty piano music) ♪ (Matt) Ah!

Please, boys, don't start anything in here.

Go outside.

No, please don't.

Please, don't shoot up the place.

I just spent a fortune furnishing it.

Have a heart, boys.

No please!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.

I just hired a new girl.

She just got off the stagecoach this afternoon.

She's got a great voice.

Wait till you hear her.

Okay, boys.

Mary, Mary!

Will you sing a little song for us?

-Sure, Matt.

-Ah, thank you, dear.

-Oh.

-Ah.

♪ I got rhythm ♪ ♪ I got music ♪ ♪ I got my man, who could ask for anything more ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ (glass shattering) ♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪ ♪ Who could ask for anything ♪ ♪ More ♪♪ (glass shattering) (applause) (Lyle) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show right after... (orchestral music) ♪ ♪ And now back to the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(mellow music) ♪ ♪ Wait ♪ ♪ Till ♪ ♪ The sun shines ♪ ♪ Nellie ♪ ♪ ♪ And the clouds go drifting by ♪ ♪ We'll be ♪ ♪ So happy ♪ ♪ Nellie ♪ ♪ Don't ♪ ♪ Don't you cry ♪ ♪ ♪ Down Lovers Lane ♪ ♪ We'll wander ♪ ♪ Sweetheart, you and I ♪ ♪ If you will wait ♪ ♪ Till ♪ ♪ The sun shines, Nellie ♪ ♪ By ♪ ♪ And by ♪ ♪ ♪ You wait and see ♪ ♪ You're gonna be ♪ ♪ Someone's bunny, Nellie, stick with me ♪ ♪ We're gonna wander ♪ ♪ Just we two ♪ ♪ Down that ever-loving Lovers Lane ♪ ♪ If you will wait ♪ ♪ ♪ Till the sun shines ♪ ♪ Nellie ♪ ♪ By, it's gonna happen ♪ ♪ By and by ♪ ♪ You're gonna kiss the blues goodbye ♪ ♪ By ♪ ♪ And by ♪ ♪ (applause) (piano music) ♪ (Talbot) Bravo!

Bravo!

Maestro Svengali, that was marvelous.

(Willy) Svengali, I'd give my right arm if I could play like that.

(Talbot) Willy, how could you play like that with just one arm?

(Willy) By Jove, you're right.

The deal's off.

(chuckling) (Talbot) Svengali, I will wager there is not one thing you could not accomplish once you set -your brilliant mind to it.

-Not my mind, Sir Talbot.

-My eyes.

-Your eyes?

(Svengali) Yes, I have a magnificent power within these eyes that one mere glance from this I can command any single anyone to do my bidding.

I shall now demonstrate this marvelous power by playing the piano.

-Not by ear but by eyes.

-By eye.

(Talbot) I think he's gone too far this time.

(Svengali) I must have absolute silence!

(Talbot) Sorry.

(piano playing) (Willy) Jeepers!

(Talbot) Creepers.

♪ I can't believe my eyes.

I mean, I can't believe your eyes.

(laughter) Svengali, do play something else.

(Svengali) Ah, yes.

Here's a new jewel of mine which is coming up very fast on the eye charts.

(laughter) ("Moonlight Sonata" plays) ♪ (Trilby) Fresh milk for sale!

(Svengali) What was that inhuman cry?

(Talbot) It's that inhuman milkmaid.

She comes by every night about this time selling her wares.

-I'll send here away.

-No, don't, Talbot.

Bring her up here.

This voice intrigues me.

(Talbot) Very well, maestro.

-You there!

Inhuman milkmaid.

-Yes, sir.

-Come up here.

-Yes, sir.

(footsteps) (doorbell) (laughter) Fresh milk, my lords, fresh milk.

(Willy) Hold on, how do we know it's fresh?

(Trilby) I'll show ya.

See?

(Talbot) I believe she made her point, dumbo.

Ah, now then, lady, if you would just-- (Svengali) Hold on, Talbot!

This wench fascinates me.

Who are you, fascinating wench?

(Trilby) I am Trilby, milkmaid to the stars and part time model.

(Svengali) Oh, milkmaid and part time model.

-Show us what you do.

-Yeah, I'll get my cow.

(Svengali) No, not that part.

No, no, show us how you model.

(Trilby) You mean, you want me to model here -in front of all you strangers?

-Yes, yes, yes.

Here and now!

(Trilby) Okay.

Well, there it is.

-There's what?

-My feet.

I'm a foot model.

-Magnificent!

-Beautiful!

(lively music) ♪ Have you ever seen such feet ♪ ♪ Just gaze in their direction ♪ ♪ Have you ever seen such sheer perfection in your life ♪ (Talbot) ♪ I can't deny, they caught my eye ♪ (Willy) ♪ They have a very special flair about them ♪ (Talbot) ♪ And a certain air about them ♪ ♪ If you walk upon these feet ♪ ♪ You're liable to abuse them ♪ ♪ You should walk upon your hands ♪ ♪ And save the feet for show ♪ (Talbot) ♪ Oh feet like these don't grow on trees ♪ ♪ The toe bone's connected to the foot bone ♪ ♪ And the foot bone is connected to the ankle bone ♪ ♪ So I ask you very confidentially ♪ ♪ Ain't those feet ♪♪ (applause) (laughter) (Svengali) Oh, this laugh, this incredible laugh.

I have never heard such a primeval sound in all my life.

I must see where this sound comes from.

(Willy) I believe it came from her mouth.

(Svengali) So permit me, mademoiselle, to look into your mouth.

(Trilby) Mhm, first my feet and now my mouth.

Mister, you're a ding-a-ling.

(Talbot) Wait a moment, maestro, please.

I believe I can get her to open her mouth.

Dumb-dumb.

-Wow!

-Mm, incredible!

(Talbot) Yes, well, that's his bag.

(laughter) -Svengali, what are you up to?

-Look.

(piano music) ♪ Now observe the curve of the pharynx and larynx ♪ ♪ Her vocal cords tight as a bow ♪ ♪ She's minus a sinus, her roof has a highness ♪ ♪ As high as her jaw bone is low ♪ (Talbot) ♪ Her pharynx and larynx they curve, I observe ♪ ♪ Her vocal cords tight as a knot ♪ ♪ Her roof has a highness ♪ ♪ It's minus a sinus, that's all very nice but so what ♪♪ (Svengali) So what?

So this is the most perfect natural vocal instrument the world has ever known.

With a few brief lessons from Svengali she can have the world at her feet.

(Trilby) Now we're back to my feet again.

You're all a bunch of foot nuts.

-I'm getting out.

-Trilby, my child.

If you will stay with me I, the great Svengali, will teach you how to sing.

-Will you stay?

-Can I keep my cow?

(Svengali) Yes, you can keep your cow.

(Trilby) Okay, then I'll stay but it's all a big, fat waste of time because I already know how to sing.

-Oh, you do?

-Yeah, listen to this.

(performs an off-key Tarzan yell) (Talbot) Svengali, I think you have a better chance with the cow.

(applause) (Trilby) Look, Sven, why don't you forget it?

I'll never be able to sing -and you did the best you could.

-Ah, but there is one method which I have not tried.

Methinks it is time for some A material.

-Trilby!

-Will you knock it off?

-I'm on my threesies.

-Trilby, look into my eyes.

(intense music) Now you are in my power and when I snap my fingers you will no longer be a woman but a magnificent musical instrument.

And from your throat comes a glorious sound of this instrument.

Play!

(nasal humming of "Aloha Oe") -Close but no cigar.

-Yeah, but you said that the sound of a beautiful instrument would come out of my throat.

(Svengali) From the throat not from the nose!

But I will try something different.

I shall now play the flute and you will reproduce the sound of the flute, note by note and if you don't I shall take these glorious toes, and, one by one, I shall set each little piggy out to market.

-Am I reaching you?

-Yes, sir.

(Svengali) I am reaching her, all right.

Now we start from the top.

(flute music) ♪ (Trilby mimicking flute with operatic singing) ♪ (laughter) ♪ (Trilby) How'd you like them arpeggios?

(Svengali) It was magnificent, Trilby.

You are, without doubt, my greatest achievement.

In a few days, I will present you in a concert to the world from the Royal Opera House.

What do you think of this, my child?

-Can I bring my cow?

-Yes, you can bring your cow.

(orchestral music) ♪ -Can this be Trilby?

-Look at those toes.

-Can there be any doubt?

-Yes, but she was always -so chaste, so untouched.

-Yes, but ever since that archfiend, Svengali, spirited her away and put her under his spell, he's changed all that.

Look, he's even changed her name.

Poor Trilby.

(lively music) ♪ What has become of Trilby ♪ ♪ What will become of her ♪ (Willy) ♪ She fell in with that evil guy ♪ ♪ And he gave her that evil eye ♪ (Talbot) ♪ Trilby ♪ ♪ What will be with Trilby ♪ (Willy) ♪ Que será, será ♪ ♪ Whatever will be will be ♪ ♪ The future's not ours to see ♪ ♪ Que será will be ♪ (Svengali) ♪ Golly ♪ ♪ Tonight La Svengali ♪ ♪ Will sing for the world to see ♪ ♪ But she'll only have eyes for me ♪ ♪ Only for me ♪ (Talbot) ♪ Svengali ♪ ♪ You're not going in there ♪ ♪ No, no ♪ (Willy) ♪ No, no ♪ (together) ♪ No, no ♪ (Svengali) ♪ Your lips tell me no, no ♪ ♪ But there's yes, yes, in my eyes ♪ (Talbot) ♪ Don't look in his eyes, boy ♪ ♪ It just isn't wise, boy ♪ ♪ To look in his eyes, boy ♪ ♪ Don't look in his eyes ♪ (Willy) ♪ Oh, you take the left eye and I'll take the right eye ♪ ♪ Svengali, Svengali, Svengali, Svengali ♪ ♪ Bye, bye ♪ (Svengali) Oh!

I am ruined, I am ruined.

(intense music) ♪ (indistinct chatter) (crowd) We want La Svengali!

We want La Svengali!

We want La Svengali!

We want La Svengali!

We want La Svengali!

We want La Svengali!

We--Shhh.

(Trilby) Am I ready to sing now, maestro?

(Svengali) Yes, yes, look into my eyes.

-What eyes?

-Sing, my pet.

Sing!

(tender music) (performs an off-key Tarzan yell) (crowd booing) (Trilby) You want some feet?

(Talbot) Trilby, we must save her.

Come, Willy!

Come on, darling.

Oh, now, you mad monster.

Who shall be your La Svengali now?

-Look.

-No, don't look.

Don't look!

(Svengali) Look!

(female operatic singing) ♪ (applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (Liza) ♪ A touch of powder, a dash of paint ♪ (Carol) ♪ Makes a body feel like what she ain't ♪ (Liza) ♪ A smidge of color upon your cheek ♪ (Carol) ♪ Turns a mask of tragedy comique ♪ (Liza) ♪ Your outlook changes ♪ ♪ Gay apparel ♪ (Carol) ♪ Vivacious Liza ♪ (Liza) ♪ Audacious Carol ♪ (together) ♪ The whole world's glowing ♪ ♪ The feeling's growing ♪ ♪ That fun's coming, blue's going ♪ ♪ We're humming, we're growing ♪ -♪ Stop growling ♪ -♪ Stop fussing ♪ (together) ♪ Start howling like us ♪ ♪ Hey, look at me, Mama, I'm dancing ♪ ♪ And I might somersault right over the wall ♪ ♪ This is a real big Ferris wheel world I'm romancing ♪ ♪ And we're having a big, beautiful ball ♪ (Carol) ♪ It's like I went and got high on a wee toddy ♪ (Liza) ♪ Yes, sirree matey I feel 80 feet tall ♪ (Carol) ♪ My heavens above, everyone loves everybody ♪ (together) ♪ And we're having a big, beautiful ball ♪ (Liza) ♪ Funny old world, I just adore you ♪ (Carol) ♪ Fondly, we implore you ♪ (Liza) ♪ You old troubadour, you ♪ (together) ♪ Please, when you get ready I'd like to go steady ♪ (Carol) ♪ Gee, take it from me it'll be groovy ♪ (Liza) ♪ 'Cause there's somebody up there digging us all ♪ (together) ♪ Oh chappie, it ends happy just like in a movie ♪ ♪ And we're having a big, beautiful ball ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ Gee, take it from me, it'll be groovy ♪ (Liza) ♪ 'Cause there's somebody up there digging us all ♪ (together) ♪ Oh chappie, it ends happy just like in a movie ♪ ♪ And we're having a delectable ♪ ♪ I'm having a respectable ♪ ♪ Enjoyable ♪ ♪ Gregarious ♪ ♪ Spectacular ♪ ♪ Hilarious ♪ ♪ ♪ We're having us one fabulous, fantabulous ♪ ♪ Beautiful ball ♪♪ ♪ (applause) (solemn music) ♪ ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started ♪ ♪ And before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say ♪ ♪ So long ♪ Goodnight.

♪ (Lyle) The part of the hippie was played by Neil Elliot.

♪ ♪ (applause) ♪ (bright music)