(lively music) (applause) ♪ Thank you.

Welcome to our show this evening.

I would like to bring out one of our guests this evening, Mr. Ken Berry, to say hello.

(applause) You have any questions you might wanna ask Kenny?

-Yes?

-This--this lady down here looks like Ken Berry's wife.

-Could it be?

-She does look like my wife.

Yes, she is my wife, Jackie.

(Carol) Jackie, stand up and take a bow, will you?

Jackie Joseph.

(applause) I would like to bring out also now Mr. Tim Conway at this time.

(applause) Tim's wife in the audience tonight.

-Where?

-Mary Anne.

There she is.

(clapping) -Yes, ma'am?

-Can't stand her.

(laughter) (woman) Pretty apprehensive tonight, could there be some reason, Tim?

-Pardon?

-You look a bit apprehensive when you came in, I was wondering -if there might be some reason.

-Apprehensive?

-Yes.

-Really?

-The look on your face.

-Oh.

No, not really, um-- No, I--I always get so excited when I do this show that I perhaps-- Have you dropped off?

(laughter) (Carol) Any other questions you might have?

Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (jazz music) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's the Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (applause) There's an old expression, "We all have to learn sometime."

Well--well, here are a couple of my friends doing just that.

Harvey Korman as a veteran truck driver teaching apprentice driver Tim Conway.

(applause) (lively music) ♪ Yeah, Dale?

Duke.

Where's that new driver I'm supposed to pick up?

Yeah, yeah, well, I've been waiting here half an hour.

I'm giving him 10 more minutes and that's it.

Yeah, okay, goodbye.

(phone clanks into receiver) (engine whirring) (audience chuckling) (Gordon) Hello, uh, are you Mr. Morgan?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well, I'm Gordon Fleming.

-So?

-Well, uh, I'm the new apprentice truck driver that'll be working with you.

-You're kidding.

-Uh, no, no, I'm sorry I'm a little late, but my mother was having a going-away party for me, see, being my first job and all, so I--I'm sorry -I was a little late.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You ever, uh, -driven a truck before?

-Well, uh, now not exactly.

I do have my license, though-- uh, could you hold this?

Uh, don't tip it, it's chocolate mousse.

(laughter) Get my wallet out here, yeah, here's, uh-- here's my license, see?

Yeah, my mother had it laminated for my going-away present.

-That's me right there.

-Yeah, wonderful.

-That's her in the background.

-Terrific, good.

Do you mind if we hit the road now?

-I'm a half hour late already.

-I know you're a little late, uh, I wonder if I could just ask you to do -one thing for me, please?

-What?

(Gordon) Could you just, um, take a snap of me next to the truck?

-Oh, for-- -It's my first job and all.

I do want it for the scrapbook.

Just, uh--just right here.

(Mr. Morgan) Yeah, take your mousse.

(laughter) (whirring) All right.

All right, hold it.

Okay, now let's go.

(Gordon) Wonder, uh, maybe just one more, a little casual like I've been driving a long time or something, you know what I mean?

(Mr. Morgan) All right, all right, casual.

(laughter) (laughter) You'll love it, partner, come on, let's go.

(Gordon) Uh, maybe, um, could I take one maybe just of you?

-Come on, buddy!

-Being my first boss and all.

-It won't take but a minute.

-All right, all right.

-Stand over next to it-- -All right, let's go.

(Gordon) Good, okay.

(laughter) Um, could you act a little more casual?

(laughter) (laughter) Um, I was wondering, could you--could you be saying, "It's nice to have you working with me, Gordon"?

(Mr. Morgan) Yeah, it's nice to have you working with me.

(Gordon) Oh.

I'll have to take another one, your mouth was moving on that-- (Mr. Morgan) Will you get in the truck?

(laughter) (Gordon) Oh, uh, would it be okay if I just drove down to the corner, um, my folks are on the corner with some relatives, and I just want 'em to see, -you know, driving around-- -All right, wave to your relatives, okay, will ya get in there now?

Let's go.

-Get all that stuff in there.

-Yeah.

-I'll put it on-- -Come on!

Here are the keys.

Will you take the--?

(crunching) (laughter) (Gordon) Can ya get in?

Uh, oh.

Do you have the keys?

(Mr. Morgan) They're in the door with my fingers.

(Gordon) Oh.

Gee, I'm sorry about that, wow.

-Why don't ya watch it, will ya?

-Yeah.

Boy, this is nice in here.

(honk) (laughter) (indistinct remarks) Wow.

(Mr. Morgan) Well, get this crate moving, will ya?

(Gordon) Just put my stuff on the floor there.

Don't sit on the mousse--here, just put that in the shade.

Oh, boy, this is really nice.

Green, gee, my favorite color.

-Whoa, boy.

-Just get it started, will ya?

(laughter) You, uh--you can see all right with them things?

(Gordon) Oh yeah, I just need 'em to drive, don't worry.

(laughter) Okay, let's see now, boy.

Would be, um-- (indistinct remarks) Brake, the clutch, gas.

(laughter) Practice, let's see now, the brake, clutch, gas.

No, clutch, brake.

I knew that on the test, too, you know-- (indistinct exclamation) (Gordon) I'll put a number one on the clutch, and then I'll-- Here we go.

(whirring) Excuse me.

(gears grinding) (sighing) Would you-- Get over here, I'll handle it.

-Sorry, doesn't go in there... -Just get over here.

-...very easily at all.

-Just get over here.

-I'll start it up.

-Better idea.

(laughter) (honk) (laughter) You know, uh, maybe this would be all right.

If you work the pedals, I could steer.

(Mr. Morgan) Get out of here!

-Just sit over there!

-Yeah.

(laughter) Watch out for my mom now.

(whirring) Boy, you do that real good.

Hey, there they are, there they are.

Hi, Mom, hi!

Mom, Mr. Duke's driving.

Mom, bye.

(laughter) (sniffling) (laughter) (Mr. Morgan) What--what's the matter?

(Gordon) I'm homesick.

(laughter) (Mr. Morgan) Hey, uh, what do you got tied in the corner of your handkerchief there?

(Gordon) My lunch money.

(laughter) (Mr. Morgan) Have--haven't you ever been away from home before?

(Gordon) Well, just when I was in the army.

-Oh, was you in the army?

-Yeah.

-I was in the army.

-Oh, maybe we got -something in common.

-Yeah, I was a tank gunner.

-Yeah.

-What were you?

I was a nurse.

(laughter) -See any action?

-No, I didn't date much.

(laughter) (whirring) (Mr. Morgan) Look, uh, why don't you get a little sleep?

I'll give you a jiggle when we get to Durham.

(Gordon) Oh, gee, would you mind?

I've had some day, I'll tell ya what, -with the party and all.

-Sure, you just -grab a little shut eye.

-I'll just, uh-- -I'll take the first shift.

-Just hang my clothes up here.

I'm real anxious about going to Durham.

I've never been out of the city before.

-Yeah.

-Except on a class trip.

-You're gonna love this work.

-Yeah.

(Mr. Morgan) The-- (laughter) (Gordon) Boy, that leather's cold.

Forgot to button the flap.

(laughter) You have a place where I could wash up?

(laughter) (Mr. Morgan) No.

Why don't ya make like a cat?

(laughter) (Gordon) Well, I guess I better say my prayers.

Let us pray.

(horns blaring) (laughter) Bless Mommy, bless Daddy, and bless Mr. Duke.

Uh... (laughter) (Mr. Morgan) Oh no.

(Gordon) I'm sorry, I had a lot of punch at the party, though.

(laughter) (Mr. Morgan) The next service station is about 15 miles.

-Can you wait?

-Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, don't worry about that, I--no problem there.

(whirring) How much further is it now?

(Mr. Morgan) I'm going as fast as I can!

Look, why don't you try to get a little sleep?

I'll wake you up when we get there.

-Oh, would you mind, really?

-No, go ahead.

(Gordon) Okay, uh-- -Do I have to?

-Well, it helps.

(Mr. Morgan) All right.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby on the treetops ♪ ♪ When the wind blows ♪♪ (lively music) (applause) You know, this is the age of the computer.

Now we're all aware that computers can solve a lot of problems, but they can also create problems.

Let's see what happens when the computer matches up two people for a date who are completely wrong for each other.

Can love beat the machine?

(doorbell ringing) (upbeat show tune music) ♪ (Carol) ♪ The minute you walked in the door ♪ ♪ I could tell you were a man of distinction ♪ ♪ A real big spender ♪ ♪ Good looking, so refined ♪ ♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind ♪ ♪ Well, let me get right to the point ♪ ♪ I don't pop my cork for every guy I see ♪ ♪ Hey, big spender ♪ ♪ Spend a little time with me ♪ (laughter) (Ken) ♪ Pardon me, Miss, but I've never done this ♪ ♪ With a real live girl ♪ (Carol) You're putting me on.

(Ken) ♪ Straight off the farm with an actual arm ♪ ♪ Full of real live girl ♪ ♪ Pardon me if your affectionate squeeze ♪ ♪ Fogs up my senses and buckles my knees ♪ ♪ I'm simply drowned in the sight and the sound ♪ ♪ And the scent ♪ ♪ And the feel ♪ ♪ Of a real ♪ ♪ Live ♪ (Carol) Uh-uh!

♪ Keep your hands in your pockets ♪ ♪ Never mind getting dandelions pulled ♪ ♪ And the screen door patched or the beefsteak pounded ♪ ♪ Never mind pumping any water ♪ ♪ Till your parents are stuck with the cistern empty ♪ ♪ On a Saturday night and that's trouble ♪ ♪ You're in lots and lots of trouble ♪ ♪ You remind me of the kids in the knickerbockers ♪ ♪ Shirt-tail young ones peeking in the pool hall window after school and that's trouble ♪ ♪ My friend right here in River City ♪ ♪ Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" ♪ ♪ And that stands for "watch it" ♪ (thudding) (pleasant music) ♪ She touched me ♪ (laughter) ♪ She put her hand on me, oh yes, she touched me ♪ ♪ I felt a certain tingle ♪ ♪ And I knew her touch was to blame ♪ ♪ She touched me ♪ ♪ She touched me ♪ ♪ And suddenly ♪ ♪ Nothing is the same ♪ (quirky music) (gasping) ♪ Wouldn't ya like to have fun ♪ -Fun?

-♪ Fun ♪ ♪ How's about a few laughs ♪ -Laughs?

-♪ Laughs ♪ -Mother, mother.

-♪ I could show you a ♪ ♪ Good time ♪ ♪ Let me show you a ♪ ♪ Good time ♪ (mellow music) (Carol) ♪ Don't you know ♪ ♪ That I'm shy ♪ ♪ That's right, I'm shy ♪ ♪ And despite the impression I give ♪ ♪ I confess that I'm living a lie ♪ ♪ Because I'm actually ♪ ♪ Terribly timid ♪ ♪ And horribly shy ♪ (Ken) ♪ So am I ♪ (both) ♪ It seems that we have so much in common ♪ ♪ It's a phenomenon ♪ ♪ We could pool our resources ♪ ♪ By joining forces ♪ (Ken) ♪ From now on ♪ -♪ Love is a simple thing ♪ -♪ We have ♪ -♪ Nothing to remember ♪ -♪ Love is a silver ring ♪ -♪ So far ♪ -♪ Shiny as a ribbon bow ♪ -♪ So far ♪ -♪ Soft as a quiet snow ♪ (Ken) ♪ But now I'm face to face with you ♪ -♪ And now at last we've met ♪ -♪ Old as the tick of time ♪ -♪ And now we can look forward ♪ -♪ Sweet as a first embrace ♪ -♪ To the things ♪ -♪ Love is a special face ♪ -♪ Love is a simple thing ♪ -♪ We will never forget ♪ -♪ There once was a man ♪ -♪ There once was a man ♪ -♪ Who loved a woman ♪ -♪ Who loved a woman ♪ (both) ♪ She was the one he slew the dragon for ♪ ♪ They say that nobody ever loved as much as he ♪ ♪ But me ♪ ♪ I love ya more ♪ (Carol) ♪ More than a hangman loves his rope ♪ (Ken) ♪ More than Crosby loves Bob Hope ♪ (Carol) ♪ More than the hippies love their hair ♪ (Ken) ♪ More than a tree loves Smokey the Bear ♪ (both) ♪ More, more, more, more, more ♪ -♪ More than the greatest love ♪ -♪ Your kisses take me ♪ -♪ The world has ever known ♪ -♪ To Shangri-La ♪ -♪ Each kiss of love ♪ -♪ Each kiss is magic ♪ -♪ I give to you ♪ -♪ That makes my little world ♪ ♪ A Shangri-La ♪ (gasping) (Ken) ♪ Before ♪ (both) ♪ And my heart is very sure ♪ ♪ No one else could love you more ♪♪ (applause) (lively music) ♪ (pleasant music) ♪ (vocalizing "Here Comes the Bride") (laughter) (Vicki) Beautiful wedding, Sis, just beautiful.

-Wasn't it a beautiful wedding?

-Yeah, that's such a romantic idea getting married again.

(Carol) Yeah, I always wanted a fancy wedding, and I got it.

Today was the most beautiful day of my entire life.

Yeah, and it's, uh-- it's not over yet.

(Vicki) Oh, I can take a hint, I'll be out of your way in a minute.

-Where's she going?

-Oh, she's gonna go over to a girlfriend's house, spend the night -so we can be alone.

-Good thinking.

-Yeah.

-I'll go get some champagne.

(Carol) Okay.

(Vicki) Well, goodnight, Sis.

-I'll miss you.

-Well, I'll be back tomorrow.

(Carol) Don't hurry.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Have a good time.

-Uh-huh.

(softly humming) (laughter) Alone at last.

(barking) Here it is, mouthwash for lovers.

(laughter) (Carol) Can we, uh, just leave it there for a minute, huh?

(Harvey) Okay.

Uh, Mrs. Bradford, may I have this dance?

(Carol) Well, I do believe you can.

My dance card isn't filled yet.

(laughter) (Roger) ♪ Oh, how we danced ♪ ♪ On the night we were wed ♪ -Get ready for a big dip.

-Okay.

(doorbell ringing) -Who's that?

-I don't know, but whoever it is, I'll get rid of 'em.

-Good thinking, Weatherwax.

-Don't move.

(laughter) -Mimi!

-Roger, my baby brother!

♪ The party's over ♪ -Mimi, why didn't you call?

-Well, I wanted to surprise you.

(Roger) You--you missed the wedding.

She's just in time for the honeymoon.

(Mimi) I see you married the same girl.

(laughter) (Roger) I sure did.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

(Mimi) Well, how are you, Roger darling, huh?

(Roger) I'm fine, Mimi-- uh, why don't you sit down?

You're probably tired after your trip.

(Carol) Yes, Mimi, here, dear.

Have a glass of champagne before you go.

(laughter) (Roger) Well.

(laughter) -I like your wedding dress.

-Thank you.

(Mimi) White, huh?

(laughter) (Roger) How was--how was your flight, Mimi?

(Mimi) Oh, don't worry about me, what about you, dear?

-What about me, I'm fine.

-Have you seen your pediatrician lately?

(Carol) Pediatrician, Mimi, he's 39 years old.

(Mimi) I don't care, he's still my baby brother.

(Carol) He is not, he's my baby husband.

You never have liked me, have you?

(Mimi) Only for the last five years.

Before that I liked you.

How could you?

You didn't know me five years ago.

It was easier that way.

(Roger) Would you cut it out, will ya?

Uh, Mimi, how do you like our new house?

(Mimi) Oh, yeah, I bet you had a decorator, huh?

(Roger) Oh, Carol did it herself.

(Mimi) Oh, well the next time get a real...

But at least it's larger than the last place.

Have ya got a guest room?

-No!

-Yes.

(Mimi) The marriage, arguing already.

You know, speaking about splitting up, you know, Cousin Harry and his wife, -pfft, just like that.

-Oh, really?

What a shame-- uh, were there any children?

(Mimi) Are you kid-- He wouldn't even drink her coffee.

(laughter) (Roger) Mimi, um, how would you like to freshen up, huh?

(Mimi) Oh yes, I've got the plane all over me.

(Roger) The bathroom is right down at the end of the hall there.

(Mimi) I'll find it, they all look alike.

(laughter) (door closes) (sighing) -How come she's here?

-It's my fault.

On the phone I happened to mention that we were getting married again and-- (Carol) Right, you know what she's done, don't you?

-She's ruined everything.

-Honey, what can I do?

-She's my sister.

-Well, I'm your wife, twice.

-Maybe she won't stay long.

-She always stays.

She always stays for five days.

She's like the Hong Kong flu.

(laughter) (Roger) Honey, don't worry, she just won't stay here.

-I'll get her a hotel room.

-Uh, yeah.

-I'll get her a-- -You say it, -but you won't do it.

-I will, too, honey, I promise.

-You promise?

-Hotel.

(door slams) Roger, do you wanna get mononucleosis?

(laughter) Excuse me, I'll make myself a pot of tea.

(Roger) That does it, that does it.

I don't care if she is alone in the world, I'm telling her to leave!

(Carol) Oh, no, don't do that.

(Roger) She can't talk that way to you anymore.

(Carol) It's all my fault.

After all, she came all this way to see you, and I've been acting like a silly bride.

-You have not.

-No, it's not like we're never gonna be alone.

We've been married five wonderful years.

We'll have lovely evenings alone together.

-Don't worry.

-Suppose you're right.

(Carol) All right, I'm gonna go to bed, why don't you stay here and have a nice talk with your sister?

(Roger) You're one terrific lady.

No wonder I keep marrying you.

Don't let my sobbing bother you.

(laughter) Roger, would you like a nice hot cup of tea, huh?

(Roger) No, no, no thanks, Mimi.

(Mimi) What happened to what's-her-name, huh?

(Roger) What's-her-name went to bed.

Now, Mimi, for once and for all will you realize that Carol's my wife, she's a wonderful person.

She planned this whole thing.

I mean, she-- she had it in her mind.

It was gonna be so wonderful if we were gonna be alone together, and you showed up and it's-- it's upsetting things frankly.

(Mimi) I can take a hint, I know when I'm not wanted.

-I'll go to a hotel.

-You will?

(Mimi) Yes, don't worry about me, dear.

-I'll be all right.

-You sure you don't mind, Mimi?

(Mimi) No, I'll just go there in a strange room and stare at the walls, I'll get used to it.

Besides, with my bad back, a hard bed might be very good for it.

(Roger) Listen, honey, why don't you take my car?

Here, here are the keys-- if you hear a rattling noise, don't pay any attention to it, it's the tin cans.

-Bye, Mimi.

-Roger.

-Yeah?

-Be careful.

(laughter) Honey, we'll call you the first thing in the morning.

Have a good night's sleep.

-Bye-bye.

-Hey, did she really leave?

-Yeah, we're alone.

-Wonderful.

Now where were we before she showed up?

(Roger) Oh yeah, Mimi, wait for me!

(applause) (upbeat music) (lively music) (announcer) Stay tuned now for the second half of the Carol Burnett Show following station identification.

♪ (mellow organ music) As the Stomach Turns.

(laughter) When we last left Canoga Falls, Marian had succeeded in having the charges against her 90-year-old grandfather reduced from assault with a deadly weapon to molesting a neighbor's tree.

(laughter) But it was obvious that something would have to be done about Gramps, and soon.

Gramps?

Your tea is ready.

(Gramps) Here I come.

(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (Marian) Don't rush on my account.

(laughter) (laughter) Gramps, it's time you and I had a heart-to-heart talk, dear.

I've--I've put it off as long as I could, but it must be done.

Sit down, Gramps.

(laughter) (laughter) I don't think I could do that again.

(laughter) (Marian) Gramps, I have some good news for you and some bad.

Today is your 91st birthday.

(Gramps) Ah, what's the good news?

I'm sending you away to Sun City.

(laughter) You're sending me to Sun City?

(Marian) I'm glad you agree.

(Gramps) I don't wanna go to Sun City.

Gramps, Gramps, the judge insisted on it.

Who--what did I do?

Don't you remember Monday when you attacked the Avon lady?

(laughter) Hey.

(laughter) No, no, I--I didn't.

I--I just fainted against her.

(laughter) Gramps, you'll be happier there.

(Gramps) Oh, no, I won't.

I'm gonna run away.

(laughter) (laughter) Don't try to catch me.

(laughter) (doorbell ringing) (Marian) That's the door.

Sounded like a bell.

(laughter) (dramatic music) (Marian) Why, it's a teenage temptress.

(Cindy) Hi, my name is Cindy.

(Marian) Hello, Cindy, why, dear, you look lost.

Would you like to live here?

(Cindy) Oh, I certainly would, I need a home.

Every family I've stayed with I've destroyed.

(laughter) (Marian) Well, come in, come in, it's been a long time since we heard a child's laughter here.

-Where's my room?

-At the top of the stairs, dear, the one with the toys, the Teddy bear, -and the coloring book.

-Hey, that's my room.

-Who's he?

-This is my dear, sweet, generous, kind, lovable, old grandfather who I'm getting rid of today.

(Cindy) Excuse me while I change.

(laughter) (Marian) Gramps, Gramps, she's not 21.

(Gramps) She will be by the time I get there.

(laughter) (Marian) Really, Gramps?

(Gramps) Don't try to stop me, Marian.

(laughter) I'm in love.

Very well, go ahead, throw your life away.

(laughter) (thudding) (laughter) (thudding) (laughter) (laughter) What a dodo.

(laughter) I don't know, maybe I made a mistake in letting that teenage temptress live here.

I need someone to talk to.

Oh, I wish my brother Ralph were here.

(doorbell ringing) -Hello, Ralph.

-Hello, Marian.

(Marian) I was just talking about you to myself.

(Ralph) Marian, I'd like for you to meet my new wife.

(Marian) Well, hello, Number Four.

My goodness, you two act just like lovebirds.

(Ralph) Well, we're very much in love.

(Marian) That explains it.

(Ralph) Yes, from the first moment I saw her I knew she was the only one for me.

I would never love another woman.

(dramatic music) I'd like a divorce.

(Number Four) All right.

(Marian) Goodbye, Number Four.

They've all been such good sports, -haven't they, Ralph?

-Yes, Marian.

-Excuse me.

-Of course.

(Ralph) Hello there, I'm wild about you.

-Naturally.

-What's your name?

(Marian) Oh, I'm sorry, what's happened to my manners?

Uh, Cindy, this is my brother Ralph.

Ralph, this is the girl who broke up your marriage, -Cindy.

-How do you do?

From this moment on I'll be your slave.

I'll live every moment just for you.

I'll love you forever.

Come away with me, Cindy.

(Cindy) Nah.

(laughter) (Ralph) Life means nothing to me now.

I'll never see her again.

(Marian) Don't be too sure.

She may be your new grandmother.

(laughter) If only you weren't my brother.

(Ralph) Marian.

-Marian.

-Yes?

(Ralph) I don't know whether to join the Foreign Legion or kill myself.

(sobbing) (laughter) (Marian) Well, if I were you, Ralph, I'd take acting lessons.

(laughter) (applause) First Gramps, and now Ralph.

I'll get it.

(laughter) I wonder who'll be her next victim.

Father Colucci!

(thudding) (laughter) I'm sorry, Father.

(Father Colucci) Oh, no, that-- that's all right, Marian.

You--you come to expect that when you're out all day selling raffle tickets.

(Marian) Do come in, tell me, what brings you here?

(Father Colucci) I am seeking a lamb who strayed from the flock.

(Marian) You mean Cindy?

(Father Colucci) No, that sounds like a girl, I'm looking for a lamb.

(laughter) It's, uh-- it's for the Christmas play.

(laughter) (Marian) Wonderful--um, how are things at the church?

(Father Colucci) Oh, just fine, just fine.

We're thinking of adding another bingo night, but don't let me bother you with religious details.

(Marian) I don't mind.

(Cindy) Hi.

(Marian) Oh, um, Father, this is Cindy.

Cindy's living with us now, but I'm afraid there's a problem.

(Father Colucci) Well, that's easily solved.

What this child needs is love.

(Marian) Believe me, that's not the problem.

(Father Colucci) Well, I must be going.

-So soon?

-Yes, the monsignor and I are having a dispute over church policy and we're taking it to a higher authority.

-The bishop?

-No, Danny Thomas.

(laughter) He's such a nice man.

(Cindy) He certainly is.

Is he single?

(laughter) (Marian) Cindy, go take a cold shower.

(laughter) I wonder how Grandfather is doing.

Gramps, how are you feeling?

(groaning) Just as I thought.

Hello, Canoga Falls, general hospital, Dr. Hoffer please.

What, he's in an emergency operation?

Yes, I'll hold on-- hello, Dr. Hoffer?

This is Marian, could you come right over?

Gramps is really sick this time, I think it's serious.

Thank you--oh, just in case, would you pick up my black dress?

It's at the cleaners.

Thank you, bye-bye.

At last.

(laughter) -Oh, thank you.

-Where's Gramps?

(Marian) He's right-- (dramatic music) (groaning) (laughter) (thudding) (laughter) (laughter) (applause) (grunting) (Gramps) That's--that's the fastest I ever came down.

(chuckling and clapping) (indistinct remarks) (Dr. Hoffer) Just lie--lie down here, Gramps.

-My stethoscope.

-Yes, Doctor.

(Dr. Hoffer) Take it easy, Gramps.

Just take it easy.

I can't hear anything, his heart stopped!

(gasping) (thudding) It started again.

(Marian) Poor Gramps, Doctor, what's going to happen?

(Dr. Hoffer) I'll tell you what's going to happen.

I'm gonna leave my wife and three children and make a fool of myself.

(Cindy) Neat.

(Marian) But, Doctor, you're the only doctor we have in Canoga Falls.

What if someone should need medical attention?

(Dr. Hoffer) There's always the Reader's Digest.

-That's right.

-Oh, my precious love, you're mine and mine alone.

(groaning) What's that, Gramps?

Halfies.

(laughter) (Dr. Hoffer) Mm, not a chance.

-Come, my dear, let's go.

-Wait!

Before you go out that door, I have something to tell you.

(dramatic music) (announcer) What is it that Marian has to say to Dr. Hoffer?

Will Dr. Hoffer run away with Cindy?

Or, as a medical man, will he jog?

(laughter) And what about Cindy?

What will she be wearing the next time we see her?

(laughter) And what about Gramps?

Will his liver transplant be successful so that he can once again take his place as a public nuisance?

(laughter) And what about Father Colucci?

Will his TV sermonette be canceled because his guests were the Smothers Brothers?

(laughter) And what about Marian?

What will she do when she discovers that Cindy is really her own daughter?

The one she always wanted but never had.

(laughter) For the answer to these and other dumb questions, tune in tomorrow.

As the Stomach Turns.

(applause) (mellow organ music) ♪ Come with us now back to a wonderful time, that corny, delightful, something-for-everybody era of two-a-day vaudeville.

(upbeat music) (applause) ♪ (Meyer) Hey, what's the matter, you look kinda sad?

(Muck) My wife just ran away with my best friend.

-Oh, that's a shame.

-Yeah, I'm gonna miss him.

(laughter) Pardon me, sir, but is that the sun or the moon?

(Meyer) I don't know, I'm new in this neighborhood.

(Muck) Hey.

Hey, do you know what my stupid uncle did -the other day?

-No, what?

(Muck) He put a picture of a piece of cheese -in a mousetrap.

-Did he catch anything?

(Muck) Yeah, a picture of a mouse.

(laughter) Hey, come back here, dummy, we're not through, hey.

(laughter) Do you know if you spend too much time with wild women you can go deaf?

(Meyer) Huh?

(upbeat music) (applause) (melancholic music) ♪ ♪ I once worked in a dance hall ♪ ♪ And though you might think that's bad ♪ ♪ I could buy my sweet young daughter ♪ ♪ All the things I never had ♪ ♪ I came home late one evening ♪ ♪ After working half the night ♪ ♪ I had the strangest feeling ♪ ♪ That things were not quite right ♪ ♪ I walked up to my daughter's room ♪ ♪ And opened up the door ♪ ♪ And my eyes beheld a sight ♪ ♪ They'd never seen before ♪ ♪ There stood my daughter ♪ ♪ With her suitcase on the bed ♪ ♪ That dear, sweet baby turned to me ♪ ♪ And with a sneer she said ♪ (Dimples) ♪ I know what you are, Mother ♪ ♪ I know what you do ♪ ♪ I know where you go each night ♪ ♪ And I'm ashamed of you ♪ ♪ I cannot forgive, Mother ♪ ♪ I cannot forget ♪ ♪ So I'm running off tonight ♪ ♪ With a salesman I just met ♪ (Dolly) ♪ Don't go running off with him ♪ ♪ And ruin your life this way ♪ ♪ Look, I'm on my hands and knees ♪ ♪ I beg you, daughter, stay ♪ ♪ He will bring you pain, daughter ♪ ♪ He will lead you on ♪ ♪ He will drag you down, down, down ♪ ♪ Until you're too far gone ♪ ♪ Once he's wrecked your life, daughter ♪ ♪ That's when he'll depart ♪ ♪ You'll be forced to turn to sin ♪ ♪ To ease your broken heart ♪ (clanking) (Dimples) ♪ That's him ♪ (clanking) (quirky music) (Dolly) ♪ Will you go or will you stay ♪ ♪ (Dimples) ♪ You're right, Mother ♪ ♪ Send him away ♪♪ ♪ (laughter) ♪ (laughter) (upbeat music) (applause) ♪ (lively music) ♪ (drumming) ♪ (applause) (drumming) ♪ (laughter) (applause) (drumming) ♪ (applause) (drumming) ♪ (laughter) ♪ (laughter) ♪ (laughter and clapping) ♪ (applause) (lively music) ♪ (laughter) (dramatic music) ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (Gus) ♪ You've read about tough guys and places ♪ ♪ In books that you keeps on the shelf ♪ ♪ Well, say, I'm so tough and sometimes I'm so rough ♪ ♪ That I must be polite to meself ♪ ♪ Me pals is a couple of bulldogs ♪ ♪ With mustard I sweetens me tea ♪ ♪ There's only two guys in this world who's as tough ♪ ♪ And both of them babies is me ♪ ♪ Hey, I live over the viaduct ♪ ♪ By the Vinegar Works ♪ ♪ It's easy to find me, the street's full of shacks ♪ ♪ I live in the one that is right on the tracks ♪ ♪ Hey, every night I go dancing ♪ ♪ Down at O'Reilly's or Boyd's ♪ ♪ We chain all the children to fences and logs ♪ ♪ We do it to keep 'em from biting the dogs ♪ ♪ Hey, I live over the viaduct ♪ ♪ Down by the Vinegar Works ♪ ♪ (tapping) ♪ (pleasant music) ♪ (snipping) ♪ (dramatic music) ♪ (clacking) ♪ (pleasant music) ♪ (tapping) ♪ (applause) (whimsical music) (whistle blowing) ♪ (whistle blowing) ♪ ♪ You can meet the best people ♪ ♪ Fighting at Kelly's or Clark's ♪ ♪ Each girl in the town is as tough as a man ♪ ♪ When they eat sardines they don't open the can ♪ ♪ Oh, I live over the viaduct ♪ ♪ Down by the Vinegar ♪ (tapping) ♪ ♪ Down by the Vinegar Works ♪♪ (applause) (lively music) ♪ (all) ♪ We get no thrill ♪ ♪ From this atomic age ♪ ♪ Our home is still ♪ ♪ Upon the palace stage ♪ ♪ Where life's a song ♪ ♪ As long as we can say ♪ ♪ We belong to the wonderful world ♪ ♪ Of the two-a-day ♪♪ (applause) ♪ (pleasant music) ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ (laughter) ♪ And before you know it ♪ I can't look at him.

♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪♪ Goodnight.

(applause) (lively music) ♪ (announcer) The part of Mimi was played by Kay Medford.

♪ (upbeat music) (applause) ♪