(bright music) (applause) ♪ Thank you and welcome to our show!

What a nice group you are!

Thank you.

(applause continues) Ah, tonight, we have with us Harvey Korman, Lyle Waggoner, Vicki Lawrence, and our special guests this evening are Marty Feldman and Carol Channing!

(applause) (laughing) Now, before we get started, are there any questions?

Let's turn up the lights, yes!

Oh my goodness, look at all of them!

Yes, sir, take your knee off that lady.

No, take your hand off her knee.

(laughter) Take your knee off that lady's hand.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Throw my husband a kiss.

He says he's definitely in love with you.

(Carol B.)

Your husband is definitely in love with me and would I throw him-- where is he?

He's at work?

Which direction?

-Over there?

-Just a couple blocks from here.

-What's his name?

-Hal Anderson.

Hal?

Hal...

Thank you, that's very nice.

-Yes?

-Hello, Carol, I'm from England, and I wonder, have you ever performed at the Palladium?

(Carol B.)

No, I have been there, I think it's a marvelous thea-- Then you know our guest tonight, Marty Feldman.

-Of course.

-Oh, let me bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Marty Feldman.

(applause) I--well, you all know Marty, I first discovered him myself, for myself, when he was the summer replacement for Dean Martin.

-Yeah, that's right.

-And I fell in love with him.

And this-- (laughter) We've had a marvelous week.

I really love him a whole lot, but this is the first time Marty and I have ever worked together.

(Marty) Do you know, that's--that's what I admire about you, Carol, when you're so honest.

(Carol B.)

Well, thanks.

What do you mean, hon--what?

(Marty) Well, I mean, on some shows, you know, the host pretends that he's known me for a long time, I mean, even when we've never met.

I mean, it can be a bit uncomfortable, you know?

-How?

-Well, I mean, uh, -permit me to demonstrate.

-Yes.

(Marty) "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is a great guy, a beautiful human being, someone I'm proud to call my real, personal friend, Mr. Marty Freakin'."

(laughter) "A 6'4" leading man with aquiline features, England's answer to Harry Belafonte..." -Like that, you know?

-Yeah, well, I think you're England's answer to Harry Belafonte myself.

(Marty) He looks more Jewish than I do.

(laughter) (Carol B.)

Well, all right, I see what you mean.

They act like they know you and they really don't.

Well, I tell you what, suppose I just say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Feldman, England's funniest comedian"?

-Hm?

-I'd be embarrassed.

-All right, I'll take it back.

-No, no, don't take it back.

Just let me be embarrassed.

Embarrass, embarrass!

I need it.

(Carol B.)

All right, don't go away, we'll talk about this later.

-We'll be right back.

-How are they gonna know?

(applause) (bright theme music) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's the Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman... (applause) ...Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ (applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (airplane soaring) (snoring) (Harvey) Oh, come on!

It's your turn.

(yawning) I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "S." -Sky.

-Yeah.

(Harvey) I spy, with my little eye, -something beginning with "C." -Clouds.

(groaning) (laughter) -I'm bored with this game.

-Yeah.

-Let's play something else.

-Please.

(Marty) This is your captain speaking.

There is absolutely no cause for alarm.

(laughter) (Harvey laughing) (laughter) Ah, ah, ah, no, no.

Not yet.

Let it sink in.

They're... (laughter) They're thinking, "What is there no cause for alarm about?

Are the wings on fire?"

The wings are not on fire.

(laughter) That's got 'em, they're thinking, "Why should he say that then?"

(Harvey) Hey, stewardess, how're we doing?

(Carol B.)

They stopped eating, they're looking a little worried.

(laughter) Oh, a man is just going to the washroom.

-Wait a minute... -Is he there yet?

(Carol B.)

He's just closing the door... -Now!

-Right, one, two, three... Will all passengers return to their seats and fasten their safety belts immediately?

(laughter, applause) (Carol B.)

Here he comes, you ought to see the look on his face!

(laughter) There's nothing to worry about, no need to panic.

Please, try not to faint.

It's very upsetting to the crew.

I'll do my worried walk down the aisle now.

-Oh, the worried walk.

-Yeah, yeah.

(laughter) -Hey, safety regulations.

-Safety regulations, yes.

(Harvey) Please listen carefully.

I want to remind you all of some of the safety regulations, not that there's anything to worry about.

(snickering, shushing) In case of emergency, it is vitally important to... (speaking gibberish) ...as the warning buzzer sounds.

(buzzer sounding) (Carol B.)

They're sobbing and crying in there!

(laughing) No cause for alarm!

-Hey.

-What?

-I've got an idea.

-What?

(Mary) You will find your life jackets under your seats.

Get them immediately.

(Harvey) But they're on the racks over their heads.

(laughter) (Marty) Give 'em a moment, let 'em panic, let 'em scramble about a bit.

I'm sorry, you will find them on the racks above your heads.

Please get them immediately, but do not unfasten your safety belts.

(laughter) (Carol B.)

It's wonderful, two cracked ribs and a sprained ankle!

-Hey, double-talk.

-Double-talk, right.

(Harvey) Your attention, please, the scrantons behind your coldwangles are ready to scrunge.

Please unfasten your safety belts immediately and nerf the emergency strangles on the back of the photocamp behind you.

(Carol B.)

They're climbing over the seats and they're fighting with each other!

(laughing) I haven't had so much fun in years!

(Harvey) The emergency sprill in the washroom must be released at once.

(Marty) But do not leave your seats.

(laughter) -Do not panic.

-Inflate your life jackets.

(Harvey) And extinguish all cigarettes.

(Marty) Tea will now be served.

(laughter) (Harvey) Please remove all the luggage from the racks above your heads and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft.

-Except your hand luggage.

-Yeah, which you should sit on.

(laughter) (Marty) In three minutes' time, we shall be arriving in New York.

(Harvey) Or Buenos Aires.

-Or Moscow.

-Or Podunk, Iowa.

(Marty) Or anywhere!

(Harvey) Have a look!

(Carol B.)

Oh, they all jumped out!

(groaning) (Marty) Party poopers.

(bright music) (applause) ♪ (announcer) Tonight, The Carol Burnett Show is brought to you by: Kraft, for three generations, delivering value and convenience with good food and good food ideas to help your family eat a little better.

Tonight, we are delighted to have with us one of the greatest musical comedy stars of all time, Ms. Carol Channing.

(applause) (laughing) Thank you!

(applause continues) (Carol C.) Well, Carol, it is always a joy to be on your show.

(Carol B.)

And it's a joy to have you.

What number are you gonna do for us tonight?

(Carol C.) Well, actually, I thought, it's a number that was written by the great Mickey Newbury for me, and it's called "How I Love Them Old Songs."

"How I Love Them Old Songs."

I feel that way too.

-Do you, Carol?

-I'm glad you...

I like the songs they're writing today, but if you really wanna grab me, you know, it's an old song that does it for me.

(Carol C.) Old song, I couldn't agree with you more.

You know, honestly, Carol, those songs, they said something, you know?

I mean, they really conveyed an emotion.

You didn't even need the music, really, the lyrics said it all.

-Right!

-You know, Carol, I remember, on my first big romance, I was sitting in a car with my date and he turned to me and he crooned softly in my ear... (singing gibberish) (laughter) -Oh, that's beautiful.

-Do you remember that song?

And then, I can never forget, Carol, at my senior prom in high school, remember that?

Well, the lights were low, and the star fullback-- oh, I was so thrilled-- he held my face in his hands, and just before he kissed me, he sang... (singing gibberish) Well, I just melted!

(sobbing) Do you remember that, Carol?

Remember it?

They played it at my wedding.

(laughter) -Carol, dear, I am sorry.

-Oh, don't be sorry.

It's really nice to have you come around and cheer me up like this.

Do your number, Carol.

(applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (mellow music) ♪ Dog gone my soul, how I love them old songs ♪ ♪ They were a comfort to me when I was alone ♪ ♪ The dancin' stops but the music goes on ♪ ♪ Dog gone my soul, how I love them old songs ♪ ♪ Ah, when I hear that Double Eagle guitar ♪ ♪ It makes me think how trouble-free we really are ♪ ♪ There was a time I spent my nights in a bar ♪ ♪ Playin' that old jukebox until that honky-tonk got locked up ♪ ♪ Dog gone my mind, it just won't leave me alone ♪ ♪ Keeps on remindin' me I'm so far from home ♪ ♪ Them heart-breakin', achin', eggs and bacon country songs ♪ ♪ Really they take me back to hardwood floors ♪ ♪ Outdoor johns and mason jars ♪ ♪ It's all I can do to believe that it's gone ♪ ♪ That hard-knockin', rock and rollin' life that I've known ♪ ♪ Well, the dancin' is over but the music must go on ♪ ♪ Dog gone my soul, how I love them old songs ♪ ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Hey, good lookin' ♪ ♪ What you got cookin'?

♪ ♪ How's about cookin' something up with me?

♪ (ensemble) ♪ Jambalaya and crawfish pie and a fillet gumbo ♪ ♪ 'Cause tonight, I'm gonna see ma cher amio ♪ ♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar, and be gay-o ♪ ♪ Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou ♪ ♪ (rhythmic clapping) ♪ (Carol and ensemble) ♪ Dog gone my soul, how I love them old songs ♪ ♪ They were a comfort to me when I was alone ♪ ♪ The dancin' stops but the music goes on ♪ ♪ Dog gone my soul, wanna hear ♪ ♪ Dog gone my soul, gonna hear ♪ ♪ Dog gone my soul, how I love them old songs ♪ ♪ (applause) (bright music) (mellow music) (laughter) (Vicki) Hello?

Medical Supply House?

I'm calling for Dr. Scarsdale, the plastic surgeon.

We need--we need some more supplies.

We need 300 yards of barbed wire, a half a dozen nostril spreaders, one dimple puncher, four lead wrinkle r-- Huh?

Four lead wrinkle rollers, eight freckle makers, and two gallons of Silly Putty.

And for our hair transplants, would you please stop sending over monkey hair?

Yeah, 'cause we've been having trouble getting our patients down off the chandeliers.

Yeah.

Bye.

(laughter) (Marty) There, madam, your hair transplant is finished.

(woman) Well, it's about time.

-What do I owe you?

-Owe?

Don't talk to me about money!

I'm a dedicated man, a doctor.

It's vocational!

Talk to the nurse.

(laughter) -Nurse... -That'll be $2,000.

(woman) $2,000?

But it said $6 in the window.

(Vicki) $6 a hair.

(woman) But I haven't got $2,000.

(Marty) Don't worry, madam.

Just come back when you have it.

(tearing, screaming) (laughter) All right, Nurse McBirdstrangler.

Stitch this back on the cat.

-Right, who's next?

-Uh, Mr. Cavendish in booth two.

(Marty) Booth two with a face lift.

Quarter to three.

You're quite right.

All right, Mr. Cavendish!

You can come out now!

(Mr. Cavendish) I can't wait to see the face lift, Doctor.

When are you gonna remove the bandages?

(Marty) Never.

-What do you mean, never?

-Well, you see, I went a bit deep with the sanding machine.

Still, it's done wonders for your acne.

-I have to have a face!

-Gotta have a face?

All right, I'll give you a face!

I'll give you a face!

Ahh!

Ahh!

(groaning) A bit ..., that nose, don't you think?

(laughter) All right now, get out!

Ah, one moment!

You'd better wear these, otherwise you won't be able to see where you're going.

-Right, get rid of him, Nurse.

-I have to have a face!

I must have a face!

A face!

(Marty) I never did like his face anyway.

(laughter) Ah, there you are, up there.

(Lyle) Doctor, I want you to remove this cleft in my chin.

(Marty) But I just put it in.

(Lyle) I know, but it's a dust collector, and I have enough trouble keeping my dimples dusted.

(Marty) Well, you're lucky because we have a special today.

I can remove the cleft and pierce your nose at the same time.

Right, in the booth you go!

(thuds) -Nurse.

-Yes?

(Marty) Iron.

(metal rattling) Is the iron hot?

(sizzles) (Vicki) It's hot.

(laughter) (Marty) All right, get on the operating table and relax, just relax.

-What are you doing?

-Relax!

(screaming, thumping) (clattering) (laughter) (screaming) (clattering) -Operating mask.

-Operating mask.

(Marty) Thank you.

I can't stand the sight of pain.

(laughter) Now, I shall need an anesthetic.

He'll probably need one too.

(Vicki) Um, ether or novocaine?

(Marty) Ether, either, let's call the whole thing off.

I'll just use a chair, right.

Now, relax!

Just relax!

(screaming, banging) (laughter) (clattering) That's it, go on, punch us!

Go on, punch, it's better for all of us.

-Where's the doctor?

-It's Killer Malone, the escaped convict!

(screaming) Do you have an appointment?

(laughter) (Marty) His face is perfect, but I think we'd better send for a priest.

(Harvey) Doctor, the police are after me.

I want you to give me a new face.

(Marty) Can't you see I'm a busy man?

I've got to give Mrs. Jackson in booth one a new nose.

Uh, wheel her out, will you, Nurse?

Thank you.

Now, uh... (laughter) What kind of nose should I give her, do you think?

(Harvey) Doctor, I'm warning you, I'm a killer and I want a new face!

(Marty) Can't you see I'm busy?

All right, I'll tell you what.

Here, have a nose, take a nose and blow!

-Right, where is-- -A new face or else!

(Marty) All right, I'll tell you what, sir.

Will you just take a seat... and I'll be with you just one moment.

(gunshot, groaning) I'll throw in a new finger free, right.

Hi, Mrs. Jackson.

Now, before I give you a new nose, do you have the money to pay for it?

(Carol B.)

Yes, I have the $100 right here.

(Marty) Oh, no, you see, it's $200.

(Carol B.)

But you told me it was $100 for one new nose.

(Marty) Yes, but I'm giving you two noses.

-I don't need two noses!

-Of course you do.

One to breathe in and one to breathe out.

-Hold her down, Nurse!

-This is insane!

(Marty) Don't worry, it won't hurt.

-I do acupuncture.

-I'm afraid of needles.

(Marty) I don't use needles, I use my golf shoes.

(screaming) (Harvey) Will you hurry with my face?

(Marty) All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll measure your face today, and come back for a new mold tomorrow.

(Harvey) I can't come back tomorrow!

The police are after me, I want a new face quick!

(Marty) A new face quick, right.

Nurse, there's only one way to do this.

Hold him down.

-Open your mouth.

-Why?

(Marty) I'm going to have to turn you inside-out.

(Harvey) What?

(screaming) -He needs acupuncture, quick.

-No!

-My golf shoe.

-No!

(screaming) (smacking) (screaming) (Marty) Right.

(groaning) (laughter) That's deadened your nerves.

Now you won't feel a thing.

Now I shall need some skin from your chest.

-What?

-Yes.

(tearing, screaming) (Vicki) What's that on his chest?

(Harvey) It's my tattoo, it's an eagle.

(Marty) Can't walk about with a tattoo on your chest.

Too easily identifiable.

We'll have to remove it.

-Won't that hurt?

-Only you.

(laughter) (tearing, screaming) There, I didn't feel a thing.

Now, Nurse, would you put this on Ms. Jackson's chest?

Be a lovely surprise for her when she wakes up.

(laughter) (Harvey) Doctor, it's the police!

They're after me!

Will you hurry?

(Marty) Right, Nurse!

Prepare the operating table.

-But Mrs. Jackson's on it.

-So she is.

So she is.

(screaming) (laughter) Whoops, the eagle flew away.

(Harvey) Will you hurry, please, hurry?

-The cops are comin'.

-All right, calm, gently.

Easy, easy, easy.

Huzzah!

(smacks) -Get him inside, Nurse.

-Open up, police!

-We're busy!

-I can't, I'm operating!

-Quick, Nurse!

-Doctor, we wanna talk to you.

(Marty) I'm operating.

Nurse, put the sander on!

(screaming, sander buzzing) -Jaw stretcher!

-Jaw stretcher!

(cranking) (officer) Hey, don't kill him while he's in there!

Come out or we're coming in!

(Marty) Right, I'm finished.

(officer) All right, Killer, we've got you.

Now we want the names of the rest of your gang.

Start singing.

(Harvey Korman's voice) ♪ Hello, Dolly, well, hello Dolly ♪ (laughter, applause) (bright music) ♪ (announcer) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show following station identification.

♪ ♪ And now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ It's time once again for the sixth annual Carol Burnett Show Award for the most unforgettable television commercials of the year, and here they are.

(Carol B.)

Firtz is a breath mint.

(clacking) (Harvey) No, it's a candy mint.

(clacking) (Carol B.)

No, it's a breath mint.

-It's a candy mint.

-It's a breath mint.

-It's a candy mint.

-Fritz is a breath mint.

-Fritz is a candy mint!

-It's a breath mint!

-It's a candy mint!

-I said it's a breath mint!

(smacks, laughter) (upbeat music) (applause) To prove a point, I'm going to shave without using any water, just the lather from Raze.

(scattered laughter) You see?

I didn't use any water.

I also didn't use any blades, because where I am, they don't let me use any sharp objects.

(maniacal laughter) (quirky music) (applause) (Carol C.) Hi, Leonard.

(Harvey) Mildred, is it-- is it really you?

(laughter) (Carol C.) Cross my heart.

(pops, air hissing) (laughter, applause) (bright music) (applause continues) I didn't use my deodorant yesterday, and I may not use it today.

(laughter) (applause) (Vicki) You have till tomorrow.

(upbeat music) (applause) Hi, this is Hunt Chetley reminding you to fly Universal Airlines.

No other airline offers you the fun-filled coach piano lounge.

(mellow piano music) (airplane soaring) ♪ (laughter) (Marty) Atención, señores y señoritas.

-I have a demand.

-You mean you want $100,000 in cash and a parachute?

(Marty) No, I want him to play "La Cucaracha."

(upbeat music) (applause) Um, well, uh, when I was a kid, I used to love cream.

Um, in fact, I used to drink it, oh, nine, ten times a day.

I remember summertimes on the farm, it used to come in cool and fresh and straight from the dairy, and, uh, oh, I used to, uh, oh, have it plain or I'd mix it with chocolate syrup or I poured it over my enchiladas, um, into my soup.

We even used to make cream burgers.

I loved it, um, I still love it.

(announcer) Everybody needs cream.

Even singer Vicky Boones.

Cream is the healthiest and greatest drink around.

(clattering) (laughter, applause) (bright music) ♪ (vibrant music) (mellow music) (Vicki) You decide on a movie yet, Carol?

(Carol B.)

Well, I've narrowed it down to two choices, but I'm not sure which one I wanna see.

-What are the two choices?

-Um... "The Sex Fiend from the Blue Planet" or "I Am Curious, But I'm Yellow."

(laughter) Carol, it is beyond me how a normal, sensible person could even consider wasting their good money on those two lousy films.

-Oh, have you seen 'em?

-No.

(Carol B.)

Then how do you know they're lousy?

I read the books.

(laughter) Well, let me make a move, all right.

"The Sex Fiend from the Blue Planet."

Well, at least it's got one thing going for it.

-What's that?

-It's X rated.

(laughter) -Hi, honey.

-Oh, hi!

-What are you doing here?

-What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I live here, remember?

(Carol B.)

No, I thought you were gonna work late tonight at the office.

(Harvey) I am, honey, but I got some papers here I have to pick up.

I thought you and Chrissy were going to a movie.

(Carol B.)

Oh, we are, we're just getting ready to leave.

(Harvey) Oh, yeah, what are you gonna see?

(Carol B.)

"Sex Fiend from the Blue Planet."

(Harvey) You'll hate it.

I read the book.

(laughter) (Vicki) Hi, Roger, what are you doin' here?

(Harvey) What is this, 20 Questions?

(Vicki) I see Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky is his usual charming self.

(Carol B.)

Oh, he's tired, he's been working late every night at the office for three nights.

The one I really feel sorry for, though, is his secretary, Mrs. Simpson.

-What's the matter with her?

-Well, she's a poor, little old lady, and at her age, it's hard working all those hours.

Hey, we better go, it's almost 7:30, -if we wanna catch that movie.

-Which theater is it, Carol?

Oh, I think it's the Roxie.

I better check.

(clattering) Oh, terrific.

Would you help me, honey?

Well, well, well, well, well, what have we got here?

-What is it?

-One of those girly magazines.

-What's Roger doing with that?

-Well, I don't know, but it's none of our business.

(Vicki) It's kinda funny to have it in with all of his important papers.

(Carol B.)

I told you, it's none of our business.

(Vicki) Look what somebody wrote here, "See page 42."

(Carol B.)

Now it's our business.

(laughter) Forty-two... Good grief!

(Vicki) How does she keep from falling over?

(Carol B.)

Miss Trixie Taylor, Miss Photogenic.

My Lord, they must've taken this with a wide-angle lens.

(Vicki) Look here, Carol.

"Dear Mr. Bradford, bet you find this hard to believe.

Trixie."

-Carol... -Now, I'm sure he has a perfectly logical explanation for this.

-You really think so?

-Let me put it this way: If he doesn't, I'll kill him.

-Come on, Carol.

-You go on, I'm gonna stay home.

(Vicki) You're gonna miss seeing the Sex Fiend from the Blue Planet?

(Carol B.)

Seeing him?

I think I'm married to him!

If I'm not home when you get back, I'll call you from Reno.

(doors close) Hey, honey, what are you doing here?

(Carol B.)

I live here, remember?

(Harvey) No, I just heard the door slam so I figured you'd left.

Honey, have you seen any important papers of mine lying around here?

That depends on what you consider important.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Oh, nothing.

(Harvey) Carol, why are you standing there talking riddles?

I thought you were supposed to go see a science-fiction movie.

(Carol B.)

Oh, I was, but it suddenly dawned on me that maybe truth is stranger than fiction.

(Harvey) Okay, what is it, what's the matter?

(Carol B.)

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!

(Harvey) Good, good, good, good, good!

-Can I ask you something?

-Yeah.

-Do you find me attractive?

-Oh, Carol, for Pete's sake!

-Well, do you?

-Yeah, I think you're a dilly!

(laughter) You're Natalie Wood, Kim Novak, and Joanne Woodward -all rolled into one.

-You left out Raquel Welch.

-Carol!

-Am I photogenic?

(Harvey) Yeah, you're photogenic!

Now will you help me look for the Fillmore papers?

I've gotta get back to the office.

Wait a minute, maybe I left 'em in the Clayton file.

That's probably what I did, it's probably still at the office, but I better make sure.

Just don't understand you, Carol.

Why are you asking me such silly questions?

Hello, yeah, this is Mr. Bradford.

Would you please look at the Clayton file and see if the Fillmore papers are in there?

No, the Clayton file.

Mrs. Simpson had to go back east for three days, and the agency sent me over a ding-a-ling replacement.

Oh, hi.

It is?

Great, I'll see you in a little bit.

Okay, thanks, Trixie.

(laughter) -Who's Trixie?

-Trixie Taylor.

That's Mrs. Simpson's replacement.

-Oh, I see.

-She's nice, but as a secretary, she's a bust.

(laughter) -What does she look like?

-Trixie?

Oh, she's about 5'5", blonde, kind of...heavy.

Heavy.

Roger, I have a terrific idea.

Why don't you stay home and ask Miss Taylor to come over here and you can work here tonight?

(Harvey) Oh, no, honey, I don't think so.

(Carol B.)

No, it would be just a lot of fun.

I could whip up some sandwiches and coffee.

I wouldn't get in your way at all.

(Harvey) Honey, you don't understand.

Trixie and I can do things at the office we just can't do here.

(laughter) (Carol B.)

Stay home!

(laughter) (Harvey) Carol, do I detect a note of jealousy in your voice?

(Carol B.)

Roger, I saw the picture.

-What picture?

-Good old Trixie Taylor, that's what picture!

I picked up your briefcase and it accidentally fell open and it fell out.

All of it!

(Harvey) What are you talking about?

You're being ridiculous.

There's nothing between us.

I don't have anything in common with her.

(Carol B.)

Neither do I!

(laughter) (Harvey) Carol, would it make you feel any better if I called her up and had her come over here, we do the work over here tonight?

-That I'd like to see.

-Make you feel better?

-I'd love to see it.

-I don't understand you.

Yeah, I'm gonna bring her over here.

(Carol B.)

Yeah, you've only known her three days and already you've memorized her phone number.

(Harvey) It's my office!

-Don't change the subject!

-I don't-- Hello?

Yeah, this is Mr. Bradford again.

Trixie, would you mind coming over here and working here tonight?

Yeah, thank you, dear.

She'll be here in a few minutes.

Happy?

(Carol B.)

You don't fool me for one minute.

You wanna get her over here so you can be alone with her while I'm out at the movies.

(Harvey) But you're not going to the movies.

(Carol B.)

I told you, don't change the subject!

(Harvey) Carol, why are you carrying on like this?

(Carol B.)

Why am I carrying on like this?

Because I found out tonight that my husband has been fooling around for three days and three sordid nights with Miss Photogenic of 1950!

(laughter) (Harvey) Uh-huh.

1950.

It was taken 22 years ago.

She was 29 years old and she's 51 now.

She brought that magazine into the office, she thought I'd get a big kick out of it.

I hope you've learned a lesson here, Carol.

(laughter) (Carol B.)

Honey...I'm sorry.

(laughter) (Harvey) I don't believe it, you know, Carol, when a wife starts distrusting a husband, it's...

I mean, that could lead to serious problems.

(Carol B.)

Yeah, serious problems for-- (laughter) (Harvey) I mean to think, when your own wife doesn't trust you, that's quite a blow, Carol.

-It's a blow, I know.

-I mean, the very foundation of marriage is built on mutual trust.

You don't have that, you don't have anything.

-No, you don't.

-Just an empty shell.

(Carol B.)

Empty shell.

-Roger, I said I was sorry.

-Well... "sorry" doesn't feed the admiral's pussycat.

(laughter) I'm not a stone, you know, Carol.

(sobbing) (Carol B.)

Oh, I feel so stupid.

(Harvey) Oh, honey, come on, I'm just putting you on.

(Carol B.)

I was jealous of somebody 51 years old.

-I feel so dumb.

-Yeah...

If you feel dumb now, way till you get a load of big old Trixie Taylor.

-She's that bad, huh?

-You'll see.

-Get ready for this, kiddo.

-She lives real close.

(chuckling) -Hi!

-Hey, Trixie, come on in!

Trixie, I'd like you to meet my wife Carol.

(Carol B.)

Oh, I recognize you from your picture.

(laughing) (Trixie) Listen, Mr. Bradford, I brought my daughter with me.

-What?

-Well, she's been helping us out at the office the last three nights, so I thought maybe you'd have some use for her.

(Harvey) Oh, no, no, you shouldn't have bothered, Trixie.

(Trixie) Oh, it's no bother!

Come on, Pixie.

-Hi, Rogie!

-Hey!

Hey, there, Pixie, how are ya, fella?

(laughter) Uh, Pixie, I wasn't planning on you coming over tonight.

-Yeah, I'll bet you weren't.

-Yeah, well, I'd like you to meet Pixie, she's Trixie's--I mean...

This is my wife, Carol.

(Pixie) Oh.

Gee, Rogie, you didn't tell me you were married.

(Harvey) Well, I...don't like to bring up personal things in the office.

If you two will...excuse me, I think I'll... -Where are you going, Carol?

-I'm going to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom now.

-Rearrange the furniture?

-Uh-huh, your bed's going out in the garage.

(Harvey) Excuse me.

Carol!

(bright music) (applause) ♪ (mellow piano music) In 1929, a young 20-year-old songwriter from Savannah sold his first song to the producers of "The Garrick Gaieties."

It was called "Out of Breath (And Scared to Death of You)."

Since then, he's written as lyricist or lyricist/composer 1,500 more for Broadway, for records, for the movies, and along the way, has collected four Academy Awards.

Tonight we've put some of those great songs together in a mini-drama as our salute to Johnny Mercer.

(applause) (mellow music) ♪ (train whistle blowing) ♪ ♪ Do ya hear that whistle down the line?

♪ ♪ I figure that it's engine number forty-nine ♪ ♪ She's the only one that'll sound that way ♪ ♪ On the Atchison, Topeka, and the Santa Fe ♪ ♪ (train chuffing, bell dinging) ♪ ♪ It's somebody else's moon above ♪ ♪ Not mine ♪ ♪ ♪ It's somebody else's night for love ♪ ♪ Not mine ♪ ♪ ♪ I like playing solitaire ♪ ♪ But until I can draw a pair ♪ ♪ It's somebody else's moon up there ♪ ♪ Not mine ♪ ♪ ♪ It's a quarter to three ♪ ♪ There's no one in the place ♪ (Harvey) ♪ 'Cept you and me ♪ ♪ ♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪ ♪ I got a little story you oughta know ♪ ♪ ♪ We're drinkin', my friend, to the end of a brief episode ♪ ♪ ♪ So make it one for my baby and one more for the road ♪ ♪ ♪ My momma done told me ♪ ♪ When I was in pigtails ♪ ♪ My momma done told me ♪ ♪ A man's gonna sweet talk and give you the big eye ♪ ♪ But when that sweet talk is done ♪ -♪ A man is a two-face ♪ -♪ A woman's a two-face ♪ (together) ♪ A worrisome thing who'll leave ya to sing the blues in the night ♪ ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Well, that's how it goes ♪ ♪ And Joe, I know you're getti'' anxious to close ♪ ♪ (thumps) (laughter) ♪ ♪ So make it one for your baby ♪ ♪ And one more... and one more... ♪ ♪ And a couple more for the road ♪ ♪ (cash register dinging) ♪ (vibrant music) ♪ They call me coquette and mademoiselle ♪ ♪ And I must admit I like it quite well ♪ ♪ It's something to be the darling of all ♪ ♪ Le grande femme fatale, the belle of the ball ♪ (tense music) ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Tangerine ♪ ♪ She is all they claim ♪ ♪ With her eyes of night and lips as bright as flame ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ You were never lovelier ♪ ♪ You were never so fair ♪ ♪ Dreams were never lovelier ♪ ♪ Pardon me if I stare ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Ah, the apple trees ♪ ♪ Blossoms in the breeze that we walk among ♪ ♪ Summers at Bordeaux ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ Rowing the bateau ♪ -♪ Where the willows hung ♪ -♪ Just a dream ago ♪ (together) ♪ When the world was young ♪ ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ The days of wine and roses ♪ (thumps) ♪ Down and down he goes ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ Round and round he goes ♪ (thumps) (together) ♪ Clear out of this world ♪ (mellow music) (scat singing) (jazzy music) ♪ ♪ You've got to accentuate the positive ♪ ♪ Eliminate the negative ♪ ♪ Latch on to the affirmative ♪ ♪ Don't mess with Mr. In-Between ♪ ♪ ♪ Because I'm Jubilation T. Cornpone ♪ ♪ I'll toot your own horn-pone ♪ (together) ♪ Jubilation T. Cornpone ♪ ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ That old black magic has me in its spell ♪ ♪ That old black magic that you weave so well ♪ (Marty) ♪ Those icy fingers up and down my spine ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine ♪ ♪ We meet ♪ ♪ And the angels sing ♪ ♪ The angels sing the sweetest song I ever heard ♪ ♪ (balloon pops) (mellow music) (Carol C.) ♪ Glow, little glow-worm ♪ ♪ Turn the key on ♪ ♪ You are equipped with tail light neon ♪ ♪ Glow for the female of the specie ♪ ♪ Turn on the AC and the DC ♪ ♪ This night could use a little brightenin' ♪ ♪ Light up, you little old bug of lightnin' ♪ ♪ When you gotta glow, you gotta glow ♪ ♪ Glow, little glow-worm, glow ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ Oh, you must have been a beautiful baby ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ You must have been a beautiful child ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ Dearly beloved, how clearly I see ♪ ♪ Somewhere in Heaven you were fashioned for me ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ For me ♪ -♪ For me ♪ -♪ For me ♪ (together) ♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight it with all of your might ♪ ♪ Chances are some heavenly star-spangled night ♪ ♪ You'll find out as sure as you live ♪ (Marty) ♪ Somewhere, somehow, something, someone's got to give ♪ (laughter) (majestic music) ♪ Laura ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ I'm the face in the misty light ♪ (Carol C.) ♪ Tangerine ♪ ♪ I am all they claim ♪ (Carol B.)

Laura!

(Carol C.) Tangerine!

-Laura!

-Tangerine!

♪ (Marty) ♪ Jeepers creepers ♪ ♪ Where'd ya get those peepers?

♪ (Carol C.) ♪ Oh, those weepers ♪ (Marty) ♪ Where'd ya get those eyes?

♪ (together) ♪ How'd they get that size?

♪ ♪ How they hypnotize ♪ (gloomy music) (Carol C.) ♪ Bye bye, baby ♪ ♪ Time to hit the road to dreamland ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Time to hit the road ♪ ♪ P.S.

I love you ♪ ♪ (horn blows) (bell dinging) (train conductor) All aboard!

(mellow music) (train chuffing) ♪ (Harvey) ♪ So you met someone who set you back on your heels ♪ ♪ Goody, goody ♪ ♪ So you met someone and now you know how it feels ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ Goody, goody ♪ ♪ We're two of a kind ♪ ♪ For your information, we're two of a kind ♪ (glasses clink) ♪ Two of a kind ♪ ♪ It's my observation, we're two of a kind ♪ ♪ ♪ Things never are as bad as they seem ♪ ♪ So dream, dream, dream ♪ (Carol B.)

♪ I'm old fashioned ♪ ♪ But I don't mind it ♪ ♪ That's how I want to be ♪ ♪ As long as you'll agree to stay ♪ ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Free and easy ♪ ♪ That's my style ♪ ♪ Howdy-do me, watch me smile ♪ ♪ Fare-thee-well me after a while ♪ ♪ 'Cause I gotta roam ♪ ♪ ♪ Two drifters off to see the world ♪ ♪ There's such a lot of world to see ♪ (cheerful music) ♪ (train whistle blowing) ♪ ♪ Hear that lonesome whistle blowin' 'cross the trestle ♪ ♪ Ooh-ee ♪ (gloomy music) ♪ ♪ My momma done told me ♪ (cash register dinging) (train whistle blowing) (applause) Uh, be sure and be with us next week when our guests will be Andy Griffith and Helen Reddy.

And I looked up the word "pollute" in the dictionary, and it means "to unclean, to dirty, impure, or corrupt, to desecrate, defile, and contaminate."

So can you think of anything more worthwhile to fight?

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started, and before you know it comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Good night.

(bright music) (applause) ♪