(energetic music) ♪ (singers) ♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪ ♪ Nothing but blue skies do I see ♪ ♪ Blue days, all of them gone ♪ ♪ Nothing but blue skies from now on ♪ ♪ ♪ Gray skies are gonna clear up ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ ♪ Brush off the clouds and cheer up ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ ♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪ ♪ It's not your style ♪ ♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad ♪ ♪ You decided to smile ♪ (singers) ♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook, stick out that noble chin ♪ ♪ Wipe off that full-of-doubt look ♪ ♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪ (Carol) ♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ (singers) ♪ Smile, smile your cares away ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face today ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ Even though the skies are gloomier ♪ ♪ And the park's a lot less roomier ♪ ♪ Keep those spirits up and wear a smile ♪ (singers) ♪ Wear a smile, wear a smile, keep smiling ♪ (Carol) ♪ Face the future optimistically ♪ ♪ Grin and bear it realistically ♪ ♪ If the air seems thick ♪ ♪ Who are we to kick ♪ ♪ (singers) ♪ Gray skies are gonna clear up ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ ♪ Brush off the clouds and cheer up ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ (Carol0 ♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪ ♪ It's not your style ♪ (singers) ♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad ♪ ♪ You decided to smile ♪ ♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook ♪ ♪ Stick out that noble chin (Carol) ♪ Wipe off that full-of-doubt look ♪ ♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪ (singers) ♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪ ♪ ♪ We'll call you sappy ♪ ♪ Because we've all been chappy, yeah ♪ ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ ♪ (applauding) (Carol) Thank you!

Welcome to our show.

There ya go.

That was our salute to all the lovely smog we have here in Los Angeles.

As you could tell by our, uh-- by our opening number-- All right, well aside from our regulars, Harvey Korman, Lyle Waggoner, Vicki Lawrence, our special guests this evening are Mel Tormé and Lucy.

(applauding) Before we get started let's turn the house lights up, see if you wanna say anything, talk-- do you have any questions, anything at all you wanna--?

-Yes?

-Would you ever appear -in a nude movie?

-Would I ever appear in a nude movie?

(chuckling) No, you know why?

It would spoil my image.

(laughing) (applauding) -Yeah?

-How do you feel about -women's liberation?

-How do I feel about women's liberation?

Listen to the young man asking that.

-How old are you?

-14.

(Carol) How do you feel about women's liberation?

What do you think about it?

-What's your name?

-Ron Greenhall.

(Carol) Hi, Ron, what do you think about all of that?

-I think it's stupid.

-You think it's stupid?

That's because you're a boy-- sit down, Ron.

-Yes?

-I heard you met John Steinbeck.

-What happened about that?

-Oh, that was quite a few years ago when I met John Steinbeck.

-How did you hear about that?

-It was in the paper.

It was in the paper?

I never knew that.

No, I met--you know, the marvelous, God love him, wonderful author John Steinbeck, and, uh, my husband and I were living in New York, and we've been married, oh, I guess about three or four years, and Mr. Steinbeck lived about two floors up from us, and we'd been in the same apartment building for over a year and I'd been dying to meet this wonderful man, you know, living legend and everything.

And one night we were coming home from dinner and, uh, so we heard this man say, "Well, I'll hold the elevator for you," and we ran and got it, and it was John Steinbeck, you know.

Wow, I just about died.

And we lived on the 22nd floor and he lived on the 25th, and so we're going up in the elevator and I'm just standing there, goes two, three, four, and like--and he looked at me and he said, "You're Ms. Burnett, aren't you?"

And I go, "Yes, I am," you know.

And I said, "You're Mr.

Steinbeck?"

He says, "Yes," he said, "Oh, I've always enjoyed you on television," and my heart's-- and my husband Joe, he's going, "Mm, mm," you know, like, "Introduce me," and I can't, I'm just dying there, standing--"Oh, gosh, John Steinbeck," like this.

So finally we get up 22nd floor and the door opens, and Joe goes, "Uh, uh."

I said, "Oh, uh, this is my husband uh, duh, duh, duh."

I forgot his name, totally forgot it.

George, I called him George Hamilton.

(laughing) -Hey, Marie.

-Carol, how long did you have -your cast on your leg?

-How long did I have my cast on my leg?

Seven weeks--I broke my leg playing baseball with the kids about four years ago, and, uh-- Are you--you've bro-- you've broken yours I see.

Three months?

Oh, my dear.

You better get four jars of Nair when you get it off.

(chuckling) Yes, up in the back?

(girl) Why do they call you Hot Lips?

Why do they call--?

Oh, you saw that show where it's--uh, someone asked me what my nickname was in junior high school and it was Hot Lips.

I don't know why, I really don't.

I was, uh--it's hard to believe, but I was really very plain in school, and I didn't have that many dates, you know, so I think they did it out of, uh-- -Yes?

-Out of all the songs that you've sung, what was your favorite?

Of all the songs I have sung, what was my favorite?

I think "Flight of the Bumblebee."

(laughing) No, I'm putting you on.

I have--I have quite a few favorites.

I think one of my very favorites is "Rainy Day."

That's--not the way I sing it, but it's one of my favorite songs.

Any other questions--yeah?

(man) Uh, why don't you sing more ballads?

Your singing is so sad.

(cackling) (chuckling) Did you hear the--he said-- he was so nice.

I know you meant it nicely-- didn't you?

He said--he said, "Why don't you sing more ballads?

Your singing is so sad."

(laughing) -That's very sweet.

-I cry when you sing.

(Carol) I cry when I sing, too.

(chuckling) I'm very chicken, uh, about singing by myself.

I love to sing with people, and I don't mind singing when I'm dressed up as the charwoman, so I figure it's not worth $50 to pay an analyst to find out.

I just don't like to sing as myself, you know, I get very frightened, but I love singing with people.

-That I do like--yes?

-Carol, how do you maintain to stay so young and beautiful?

(Carol) Oh, have you met my aunt?

(laughing) That's very sweet.

Oh, well, I don't know.

Actually I'm prettier than I look.

Yeah, no, I, uh-- I have to get up every morning and tone myself down.

I, uh--I bind my, uh, chest, and, uh, I cut off my eyelashes cause they grow so long overnight.

You know, just-- just a bit, you know, and it's really--yeah, I'm really too gorgeous.

(chuckling) Any other--yes?

(woman) Carol, who's your favorite male comedian?

My favorite male comedian is Harvey Korman.

(applauding) -Yeah?

-How long have you -been in show business?

-12 years.

I started when I was 8.

(laughing and applauding) (young man) How long have you--?

Excuse me, how long have you known Harvey Korman?

I first became a fan of Harvey's when he was on the The Danny Kaye Show, and I met him in 1966 or '67, and then when we started our show we just said, "Oh, gosh, we gotta get him," and luckily we did, knock on wood, and he's just been wonderful to work with.

-Yes?

-Do you ever dye your hair?

Do I ever dye my hair-- that's all the time we have now for questions and answers, folks.

Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applauding) (lively music) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's the Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman... (applauding) ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

(applauding) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most fabulous composers, writers, singers, and people I know, Mr. Mel Tormé.

(applauding) (pleasant music) ♪ ♪ Where have all the flowers gone ♪ ♪ Long time passing ♪ ♪ Where have all the flowers gone ♪ ♪ Long time ago ♪ ♪ ♪ Whose garden was this ♪ ♪ ♪ It must have been lovely ♪ ♪ ♪ Did it have flowers ♪ ♪ I've seen pictures of flowers ♪ ♪ And I'd loved to have smelled one ♪ ♪ ♪ Whose river was this ♪ ♪ ♪ You say it ran freely ♪ ♪ Blue was its color ♪ ♪ ♪ I've seen blue in some pictures ♪ ♪ And I'd loved to have been there ♪ ♪ Oh, tell me again, I need to know ♪ ♪ The florist had trees, the meadows were green ♪ ♪ The oceans were blue ♪ ♪ Birds really flew ♪ ♪ Can you swear that was true ♪ ♪ ♪ Whose gray sky was this ♪ ♪ ♪ Or was it a blue one ♪ ♪ ♪ Nights there were breezes ♪ ♪ I've heard records of breezes ♪ ♪ And you tell me you felt one ♪ ♪ Oh, tell me again, I need to know ♪ ♪ The forest had trees ♪ ♪ The meadows were green ♪ ♪ The oceans were blue ♪ ♪ Birds really flew ♪ ♪ Can you swear that was true ♪ ♪ ♪ Whose garden was this ♪ ♪ ♪ It must have been lovely ♪ ♪ ♪ Did it have flowers ♪ ♪ I've seen pictures of flowers ♪ ♪ And I'd loved to have smelled one ♪ ♪ Yes, I'd loved to have smelled one ♪ ♪ Whose ♪ ♪ Garden ♪ ♪ Was this ♪ ♪ (applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ (applauding) (Lucy) Hello, is this the office of David Sinclair the Broadway producer who's auditioning little girls -for his next show?

-Ye--yes, it is .

(Lucy) Thank you.

All right, Barbra-- that's without an "A."

Sit down.

(clacking) (chuckling) Good.

(applauding) (giggling) (Carol) Preshy-kins, would you go over there, darling, and get Mommy a drink of water?

(clacking) (laughing) (clicking) Thank you.

(applauding) (Barbra) Mommy, there's a candy machine outside.

-I want some money.

-Is that how you ask?

(Barbra) ♪ Once I built a railroad ♪ ♪ Made it run ♪ ♪ Made it race against time ♪ ♪ Once I built a railroad ♪ ♪ Now it's done ♪ ♪ Mother, can you spare a dime ♪ (Lucy) That's better.

There you are, dear.

Now, sweetheart, remember your caps, nothing crunchy.

(laughing) (clacking) (applauding and chuckling) (Carol) Darling, would you like some chewing gum?

-Yes, mother.

-Hit it.

(laughing) (vocalizing) Thank you, dear, here.

(applauding) (Lucy) Very good, it's a shame they're not looking for Italian midgets.

(laughing) (clacking) (applauding) -You missed one tap.

-The Devil made me do it.

(Lucy) Oh, okay.

You better stand up, sweetheart.

Mommy wants to brush your hair.

Luckily she was blessed with beautiful, straight hair.

(Carol) Yes, too bad, haven't you heard about the change?

They're looking for a little girl with short, curly hair.

(Lucy) Oh, really?

(chuckling) Heaven only knows where she gets her black hair because I have natural red hair.

(Carol) Maybe she got it from your natural black roots.

(laughing) (Lucy) Your little girl seems to be the image of you, same nose, same eyes, same shape.

(laughing) Be that as it may, she's a talented little girl and I love her very much.

(Lucy) Oh, is that all?

I don't just love my daughter.

I've completely dedicated myself to her.

(Carol) Yes, that often happens when a woman has a child late in life.

(chuckling) (Lucy) For your information, when she was born I was only 28.

(Carol) My, she's short for 19.

(cackling) (applauding) -Hello, I'm David Sinclair.

-Oh, you're David Sinclair?

Oh, no, I can't believe it, not you, a man with your enormous string of Broadway successes, my goodness, I never expected someone so young, so attractive.

(Lucy) Yes, I thought you were the leading man in the play.

Did anyone ever tell you you look like Paul Newman?

-Or Steve McQueen.

-Cut!

Thank you, this is the audition scene.

(Carol) Oh, I just know with you producing it it's going to be a smasheroo.

(David) Well, we'll find that out in New Haven.

(Carol) New Haven, New Haven!

Oh, I just love out-of-town openings.

I'm a gay divorcee.

(Lucy) I'm a merry widow.

(David) Wonderful.

(clacking) (Carol) Now listen, darling, in this scene you're a cute, little Southern girl with hoop skirt and curly blonde hair, and you're trying to console your devoted family retainer, Uncle Bill, and the Yankees have just burned down the plantation house, the cotton fields, and Uncle Bill's tap shoes.

Now watch Mommy.

Don't you worry, Uncle Bill.

We may have lost the plantation, but golly'kins, we still have each other.

Got that?

(laughing) (Lucy) Now look, Barbra darling, you--you tried your best to cheer up poor old Uncle Bill, understand, but nothing helped.

You're both very sad and this is your big crying scene.

Now--now watch Mother.

You--you start slowly, so you go: Oh, oh, oh, Uncle Bill.

Oh, Uncle Bill.

And you build, you build slowly.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, why?

And now you let it all hang out.

(fake crying) Uncle Bill, ah!

-You got it, dear?

-What's my motivation again?

(giggling) (Lucy) Your motivation is to keep from being put up for adoption.

Now pay attention.

-Uh, oh, ladies.

-Oh, yes!

-My little girl's ready.

-So is mine!

(David) I'm very sorry, but the part has already been cast.

-What?

-What?

(David) Uh, thank you very much for coming to the audition.

Uh, your daughter is absolutely perfect for the part.

(woman) Oh, thank you, Mr. Sinclair.

(David) Uh, by the way, why don't you bring your daughter in tomorrow?

I'd like to meet her.

(woman) Certainly.

(clacking) (Lucy) Well, that's one way to get a part for your child.

(Carol) It's women like that who give stage mothers a bad name.

(Lucy) Yeah, they'll never see me in this office again.

-Nor me.

-Oh, by the way, ladies, I'll be casting the understudy tomorrow morning.

-We'll wait!

-We'll wait!

(peppy music) (applauding) ♪ (pleasant music) ♪ (Mel) Well, here we are again.

-Another big duet.

-Hm.

-How many have we done now, Mel?

-Gee, Carol.

♪ I forget ♪ (Carol) ♪ We've sung so many I'm afraid ♪ ♪ Subject matter-wise, we're dead ♪ -Say.

-What?

(Mel) ♪ How about doing some of the songs ♪ ♪ That were introduced in the movies ♪ ♪ By that elegant couple ♪ ♪ Ginger and Fred ♪ -Huh?

-Ginger and Fred who?

(chuckling) (Mel) Well, if you don't know, Phoebe... -Yes.

-...just fake it, okay?

-Got it, Mel.

-Okay.

♪ Beautiful music ♪ -Oh, yes.

-Is it coming back?

(Carol) Yes, it is.

♪ Dangerous rhythm ♪ ♪ It's something daring, The Continental ♪ ♪ A way of dancing that is really entre nous ♪ ♪ It's very subtle, The Continental ♪ ♪ Because it does what you want it to do ♪ -♪ Beautiful music ♪ -♪ It has a passion ♪ -♪ The Continental ♪ -♪ Dangerous rhythm ♪ -♪ It's all the fashion ♪ -♪ Beautiful music, rhythm ♪ ♪ Because it tells of your love while you dance ♪ -♪ Her lips ♪ -♪ You'll hear his lips ♪ -♪ Whisper so tenderly ♪ -♪ Whisper so tender ♪ -♪ So tender ♪ -♪ Your arms ♪ -♪ Answer her call ♪ -♪ Whenever you call ♪ -♪ Two bodies swaying ♪ -♪ This song was sung ♪ -♪ The Continental ♪ -♪ By Fred Astaire ♪ ♪ In a film called The Gay Divorcee ♪ ♪ It was really the essence of ♪ -♪ For it's a dance of romance ♪ -♪ A dance of romance ♪ (Carol) ♪ Let's turn the calendar back a year or so ♪ (Mel) ♪ Ginger and Fred still had a long way to go ♪ ♪ Say, have you seen a Carioca ♪ ♪ It's not a foxtrot or a polka ♪ ♪ It has a little bit of new rhythm ♪ ♪ A blue rhythm that sighs ♪ (Carol) ♪ It has a meter that is tricky ♪ ♪ A kind of wicked, wacky wicky ♪ (both) ♪ But when you dance it with a new love ♪ ♪ There'll be true love in your eye ♪ -♪ You will dream ♪ -♪ You will dream ♪ -♪ Of the new Carioca ♪ -♪ Of the new Carioca ♪ (Mel) ♪ It is neither a foxtrot or polka ♪ -♪ Its theme ♪ -♪ No, the theme ♪ -♪ Of the new Carioca ♪ -♪ Is a kiss and a sigh ♪ (Mel) ♪ Is a hug and a kiss and a sigh ♪ -♪ You dream ♪ -♪ It's the kind of a rhythm ♪ ♪ That we owe to our neighbors in far away Rio ♪ (both) ♪ When music and lights are gone ♪ -♪ We sing goodbye ♪ -♪ Let's look ahead ♪ ♪ A couple of years or more ♪ (Carol) ♪ Ginger and Fred still had a lot more in store ♪ ♪ Nothing's impossible, I have found ♪ ♪ For when my chin is on the ground ♪ ♪ I pick myself up, dust myself off ♪ ♪ And start all over again ♪ (Mel) ♪ Don't lose your confidence if you slip ♪ ♪ Be grateful for the pleasant grip ♪ (Carol) ♪ Pick yourself up, dust yourself off ♪ -♪ Start all over again ♪ -♪ All over again ♪ (Carol) ♪ Work like a soul inspired ♪ ♪ Till the battle of the day is won ♪ (Mel) ♪ You may be sick and tired ♪ (both) ♪ But you will be a man, my son ♪ (Mel) ♪ Think of the overwhelming number of men ♪ ♪ No sooner did they fall then they got up again ♪ -♪ Take a big breath ♪ -♪ Take a deep breath ♪ -♪ Pick yourself up ♪ -♪ Dust yourself off ♪ -♪ Take a deep breath ♪ -♪ Take a deep breath ♪ -♪ Brush yourself off ♪ -♪ Brush yourself off ♪ (both) ♪ Why don't you pick yourself right up off the pavement ♪ ♪ Buddy, and then ♪ ♪ Walk right in, sit right down ♪ ♪ And start all over again ♪ (Carol) ♪ Fred and Ginger sure were groovy ♪ -♪ Again, again ♪ -♪ In the heyday of the movie ♪ -♪ The king and queen ♪ -♪ He was the king ♪ ♪ And she was the queen ♪ -♪ Of music ♪ -♪ Fred and Ginger -♪ Dangerous rhythm ♪ -♪ Fred and Ginger ♪ (both) ♪ The Carioca ♪ ♪ Olé ♪ (applauding) (lively music) (announcer) And now back for the second half of the Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (peppy music) ♪ (knocking) Entre!

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, Mr. Amherst.

(Leslie) Ha-ha, my dear boy, there can be no bad news when the incomparable Leslie Amherst is playing to standing room only.

(assistant) Well, maybe some of your audience is standing, but your leading lady isn't.

(Leslie) Do you mean to say that Linda has been nipping?

(assistant) Well, now she was nipping, now she's napping.

(chuckling) (Leslie) That's not funny, you clod!

I told you to watch her every moment!

(assistant) I did, I did, she had, uh, three double martinis.

(chuckling) Well, maybe she'll be sober after a nap.

(Leslie) But I can't, it is in 15 minutes.

She can't--!

(thudding) Who's that knocking on the wall?

(Linda) It's me, Linda, open up!

(Leslie) Sober, eh?

She missed the door!

(laughing) (Linda) Hi.

-In, Linda.

-Thank you.

(giggling) (Leslie) I hear you've been drinking again.

(Linda) That is backstage gossip.

(laughing) (Leslie) This is absolutely ridiculous, she's in no condition to go on the stage tonight!

(Linda) That is not true!

(thudding) I have never missed a performance in my life!

(gasping) (Leslie) Oh, this would have to happen on the night of my 1,000th performance.

-Hey, handsome.

-Yes, Linda.

-Your turn.

-Huh?

(laughing) (Leslie) Get plenty of black coffee into her, I want her on that stage cold sober!

(assistant) I'll do my best, Mr. Amherst.

(Linda) Oh!

(laughing) Hurry up, giddy up.

(chuckling) (lively music) ♪ (applauding) (giggling) (clicking) Hello, Moira.

I can't talk long, Pamela's in the next room.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to tell her now.

No, it won't be easy, my darling, but the sooner I tell her the sooner we'll be together.

I can't talk anymore, she's coming.

I have to hang up, goodbye, my darling.

(chuckling) Is that you, Pamela?

Is that you, Pamela?

(laughing) Pamela, is that you?

-Pamela!

-What?

(yelling) (chuckling) -Oh, Pamela.

-Yes?

(Henry) I have something very important to tell you.

-What?

-Mm.

-Sit down, please.

-Okie dokie doo.

(chuckling) (Henry) Over there, darling.

(vocalizing) (Pamela) Okie doke!

(laughing) (Henry) First of all, my darling-- (laughing) First of all, my darling, I want you to know that whatever I say, no matter what you say, no matter what both of us say, let us promise each other that we will remain the best of friends, 'cause after all, darling, we are civilized human beings.

Civilized, I say.

Aren't we, Pa--?

(giggling) Give me that purse.

(laughing) (clanking) (blowing raspberries) -Boo-hiss on you.

-Shh.

We've, uh-- (chuckling) We've been married a long time, Pamela, I know.

In fact, it's hard for me to remember what life was like without you.

We've had our share of good times or bad.

(thudding) Isn't that true, Pamela?

(laughing) -Pamela?

-♪ Come to me ♪ ♪ My melancholy baby ♪ (overlapping remarks) (chuckling) (Pamela) Let go of me!

Oh, oh, whoa!

(gasping) You beast.

All men are animals.

(laughing) Oh.

I believe as-- as civilized people, we should behave in a rational and mature fashion.

Remember how happy we were once?

(chuckling) How terribly, marvelously, blissfully happy we were.

(laughing) Oh, then answer me.

You remember how close we were?

Oh, Pam-- (laughing) (Pamela) You broke my pillow.

(chuckling) -Oh.

-Look at me, darling.

Please, be calm, look at me.

Look me in the eye.

-In the eye, Pam.

-Which one?

(Leslie) Tell me the truth, the truth.

Are you happy?

(Pamela) I've never been happier, Henry.

(chuckling) (Henry) Well, my darling, I--I must tell you this.

(Pamela) Yeah, what?

(giggling) (Henry) This may break your heart, my darling, but I want a divorce.

(chuckling) (laughing) Let me get something to dry your tears.

(chuckling) Oh, believe me, my dear Pamela.

I have not forgotten for one moment what a warm, sensitive human being you are.

I know what you're going through.

I know what you must be feeling inside you at this very moment.

(slurping) Believe me, my darling, I-- (slurping) (laughing) Give me that!

(chuckling) Now why don't you call Greg?

(Pamela) Okie dokie, I'll call Greg.

(Henry) Yes, I think that'll be the very best thing to do.

It'd be the most civilized thing and the most rational.

(Pamela) Yep.

(screaming) (laughing) It bit me, it bit me!

(chuckling) (Henry) I'm in shock.

(giggling) -After all-- -I can't find my hands.

(laughing) Where are my hands?

(shrieking) (Henry) Call Greg, you silly--!

(chuckling) After all Greg is your lawyer as well as mine.

-Yeah.

-Tell him he can have whatever he wants.

The car, the beach house, the apartment.

(laughing) Tell him he could have whatever he wants!

But--but I must have my freedom!

(laughing) -Give me that phone!

-You can have it, it's empty.

(Henry) I'm gonna tell you everything now, Pamela.

-Okay!

-I'm in love with Moira!

What do you say to that?

(hiccuping) You're own sister, you say?

(hiccuping) Drink some water.

(Pamela) Ya gotta be kidding.

(Henry) I'll be leaving now and nothing you do can stop me.

(Pamela) Okay.

(giggling) (Henry) The gun, you lush, this is my big death scene.

-Huh?

-The gun, the gun.

(Pamela) Oh, the gun, yeah, yeah.

(Henry) I'm leaving and nothing you could do could stop me!

Pull the trigger!

(laughing) (exclaiming) (gunshot firing) (laughing) (indistinct remarks) (applauding) (lively music) ♪ (suspenseful music) (announcer) Welcome to The Early Early Show.

Tonight we present another movie from our library of classics.

(upbeat music) Some Like It Hotsy Totsy.

♪ Starring: Carol Curtis and Lucy Lemon as a struggling singing act in the late '20s, or their early 40s.

(laughing) (dismal music) Also starring Harvey Cagney, Lyle Raft, and Mel G. Robinson as the Caesar Gang, Julius, Sid, and Little.

(peppy music) ♪ (pleasant music) (both) ♪ Always show respect to your old mother ♪ ♪ Remember what she's done for you ♪ ♪ ♪ It's not all laughs and mirth ♪ ♪ When a lady's giving birth ♪ ♪ And she had to wash your diapers, too ♪ (man on right) ♪ Scrub, scrub ♪ (both) ♪ Up all night so baby wouldn't smother ♪ ♪ Sewing button ♪ Oh, great, great, great, beautiful.

You got the job, you got the job.

-Oh, gee, thanks, Mr. Fogle.

-All right, convention at the Tropicana Hotel.

$200.

-Here's your ticket to Miami.

-Oh, thanks a lot.

-Send me a postcard, will ya?

-All right.

(Mr. Fogle) See ya later.

-How were they?

-Terrific.

-Look these over, will ya?

-Yeah.

-Next.

-Hi, I'm Tina Tyler.

-And I'm Wendy Wilson.

-What do you do?

-What do you need?

-I need an animal act -and two girl singers.

-Which do you want us to do first?

(Tina) Don't pay any attention to her, she's just dying to be a comedian.

We're all set, you're gonna love it, there's our music, wait until you see this!

Hit it, Harry.

(melancholic music) ♪ (both) ♪ Lady, if you've always been a bridesmaid ♪ ♪ And ya think it's time you got yourself a groom ♪ ♪ Forget furs, and jewels, and pot roasts ♪ ♪ To get fellas ♪ ♪ You'll land a handsome big boy ♪ ♪ With perfume ♪ (peppy music) ♪ -♪ Poof, it's so delectable ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ -♪ Poof, and quite respectable ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ -♪ Poof, you'll be detectable ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ (Tina) ♪ Classy and posh, it's better than washing ♪ -♪ It's poof, it's undeniable ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ -♪ Poof, he'll be compliable ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ (Tina) ♪ We've got reliable proof ♪ (both) ♪ If you just spray on, he'll stay on ♪ ♪ And you'll make a dent, follow your scent, dear ♪ ♪ Wise up, the guy's up ♪ ♪ Set up for your atomizer ♪ (Tina) ♪ Poof, get in the smell of it ♪ ♪ Poof, he'll get the smell of it ♪ ♪ Poof, just for the heck of it ♪ ♪ Poof ♪ (both) ♪ So put the wrists on, just spritz on ♪ ♪ A man is a lamb ♪ (Wendy) ♪ If you give a dram ♪ (both) ♪ So tell those, swell beaus ♪ ♪ To sniff your earlobes and your elbows ♪ (Tina) ♪ Poof, his (indistinct) it ♪ -♪ Poof, boy loves girls in it ♪ -♪ Poof ♪ (Tina) ♪ Poof, just rub his nose in it ♪ (both) ♪ Poof ♪ ♪ Want to land your guy of guys ♪ ♪ Hit him once between the eyes ♪ ♪ Go poof, poof, poof, poof, poof ♪ (Wendy) ♪ Poof ♪ (applauding) (Tina) Well, Mr. Fogle, what do ya think of it?

(Mr. Fogle) I liked it except for two things.

-Yeah, what's that?

-You and her.

-Come on, let's go.

-Aw, Mr. Fogle.

(ominous music) ♪ (Little) All right, you guys, all right.

Now you wouldn't stay out of this outside like I told you, see, so you're gonna get it, see, yeah, right now.

Now line up against that wall, see.

Yeah, get up against that wall.

Now keep your hands up, see, yeah.

Not you, dummy.

(Sid) Uh, sorry, Pop.

(Julius) What are you gonna do with them, Little?

(Little) I'm gonna massacre 'em, see, yeah.

(Julius) Make sure you shoot them through the heart.

-Why?

-It's Valentine's Day.

(laughing) (Little) All right, you guys, now this is it, see.

-Boy, I sure hate auditions.

-Me too, let's get the car -and get out of here.

-Hey, wait, look.

(gunshots firing) They just murdered an entire acrobatic act.

(laughing) -Those are gangsters!

-Let's get out of here!

Hey, hey, you two broads!

Come on, they're witnesses, we gotta get 'em!

Come on!

Wait for me.

I wanna watch.

(chuckling) (quirky music) -They're gonna shoot us.

-Oh, don't make me cry.

(Wendy) And who knows what they're going to do to me first.

(Tina) Don't make me laugh either.

(chuckling) ♪ (footsteps clopping) ♪ (thudding) (laughing) (indistinct remarks) (man on right) Boy, I can hardly wait to get to Florida.

(man on left) You're sure you got the tickets?

(man on right) Yeah, sure, I got 'em right here in my pocket.

(door thudding) (Wendy) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(Tina) It's our only chance.

-Oh, look.

-Ooh, how handy.

(chuckling) (clattering) (chuckling) Psst, come on.

(laughing) You think we'll get away with this?

(Wendy) I don't know, but it's our only chance.

(Tina) Boy, I wish I had your voice.

(laughing) (Wendy) I wish I had your build.

(laughing) -Wait a minute, you guys!

-You mean us?

You mean us?

(Little) Yeah, you guys see a couple of dames around here?

(Tina) Um, uh, what'd they look like?

(Sid) Well, one of them was, uh, tall and skinny.

(Wendy) Was the other a gorgeous redhead with a great build?

(Little) Not even close.

(Tina) Listen, uh, if you guys will excuse us, we gotta catch a train to Florida.

-Yeah.

-Hold it, hold it, so do we.

We'll, uh-- we'll all go together.

-What--what?

-What--what?

(Little) Yeah, now we always go to Florida when Chicago gets too hot for us.

(both chuckling) -I don't get it, Pop.

-Forget it, dummy.

Now come on, let's go, gang, I don't want us to miss that train.

Come on, move along here, come on.

(footsteps clopping) (chuckling) Wait for me.

(laughing) (applauding) (peppy music) (announcer) Stay tuned for part two of Some Like It Hotsy Totsy.

(applauding) (whimsical music) ♪ (train wheels clattering) -Hey, Wendy.

-Yeah?

(Tina) We gotta get off this train at the first stop.

-The first stop is Miami.

-Then we gotta jump.

(Wendy) You jump, I'm not ruining a great build.

(Tina) Shh, here comes somebody.

(Little) I told you two lower berths, didn't I, huh?

(Sid) Oh, gee, Pop, I forgot.

(chuckling) (Little) Okay, I ain't sleeping sitting up, see, yeah.

-What are you gonna do, Pop?

-I--I'll just throw a couple of people off the train, in a--in a nice way, of course.

-Oh yeah.

-Hey.

-Hey, you!

-Ahh!

(Sid) Hey, look, Pop, it's our buddy we drove to the station.

(Little) Yeah, say, where's your pal, kid?

(Wendy) He's up there.

(chuckling) (Tina) Hi.

(Little) Yeah, this is all right, this is all right.

I'll bunk down here with him, you bunk up there with him.

Is that okay with you, pal?

Wou--would you mind letting him bunk with me?

(Little) Sure, why not?

(Tina) Thanks a lot, pal.

-Hey, come on, come on, dummy.

-Oh, okay.

(chuckling) (thudding) (laughing) Goodnight, Pop.

Hi.

(Little) Well, what line of, uh-- what line of work you fellas in?

-We're in show business.

-Working in Miami?

(Tina) Yeah, at--at a convention.

(Little) Ah, what hotel?

(Tina) Tropicana.

(Little) Say, you fellas are in luck again.

-Why?

-Well, that's our convention.

We'll see that you get there, we'll give you a lift -to the hotel.

-Wonderful.

(Little) Hey, say, fella, you're going to Florida just in time, you got a bad cough there.

(coughing) (Sid) Hey, ain't you gonna get undressed?

(Wendy) No.

(Sid) Well, ain't you warm?

(Wendy) A little.

(Sid) You'll feel better if you got undressed.

(Wendy) Probably.

(laughing) (upbeat music) ♪ (Little) All right, you guys, come on now, quiet, quiet here, see.

Now come on, sit down there.

Come on, Maxie, sit down there.

Right, and now the moment we've all been waiting for, the selection of Miss Underworld of 1927.

I wanna wish all the contestants a great deal of luck, including, of course, my own special girlfriend Trixie, right?

Here to introduce the semifinalists are two buddies of ours.

Now listen, you mugs, let's bring 'em out and give 'em a nice big hand.

Here they are, Terry and Tom.

-Come on.

-Hey!

(applauding) (triumphant music) (chuckling) ♪ (Wendy) We'd like to introduce some lovely ladies.

These molls are very beautiful and warm.

(Tina) ♪ So very warm ♪ (chuckling) (Wendy) Each represents an aspect of our business and of the public service we perform.

(Tina) ♪ Some people say our industry is crime ♪ (both) ♪ But we just show the people a good time ♪ (Tina) ♪ We ask you ♪ (both) ♪ Is this a crime ♪ ♪ This bathtub gin ♪ (upbeat music) (Tina) ♪ Her heels she'll pick up for she's a pick up ♪ ♪ That lifts you more than any vitamin ♪ (Wendy) ♪ From Jersey here is Jeanie, put her in your next martini ♪ (both) ♪ Is this a crime ♪ ♪ Is crime a dance ♪ ♪ (Tina) ♪ Has she got rhythm while dancing with them ♪ ♪ She brings entire business implements ♪ (Wendy) ♪ Rose Marie says give me, give her something ♪ ♪ And she'll shimmy ♪ (both) ♪ Let us present this numbers game ♪ (cheering) ♪ She's number one for you ♪ (Tina) ♪ If you are counting on a date ♪ (Wendy) ♪ As cool as a cucumber, Mable may be your hot number ♪ (both) ♪ Is this a crime ♪ ♪ This gambling queen ♪ (clinking) (Tina) ♪ Have more dice, sir, what could be nicer ♪ ♪ Than getting jackpots on her slot machine ♪ (Wendy) ♪ Get Trixie's wheels to spinning ♪ ♪ Eight to five, you'll wind up winning ♪ (Tina) ♪ Just look them over ♪ (both) ♪ Pick one and take your time ♪ ♪ To choose Miss Underworld ♪ ♪ Is this a crime ♪ (applauding) (Tina) Well, uh, those are the contestants, and, uh--and now the name of the winner.

(Wendy) Yeah, the envelope, please.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

(chuckling) (Tina) Uh, Miss Underworld of 1927 is-- I won!

(laughing) (cheering and applauding) (indistinct remarks) (giggling) As Miss Underworld of 1927, I pledge to do everything in my power to help stamp out honesty and decency wherever I find it.

Thank you.

(cheering and applauding) (Tina and Wendy) ♪ Here she is ♪ ♪ Miss Underworld ♪ (screaming) (police officer) All right, all right, hold it, don't anybody move!

(Tina) Oh, officer, are we glad to see you!

-I'll say we are.

-Well, I don't know why, -you're both under arrest.

-For what?

(police officer) Disturbing the peace and impersonating singers.

-Oh no, wait a min-- -Oh, now don't worry.

I'll be waiting for you, sweetheart.

(Tina) Hey, wait a minute.

When did he find out you were a woman?

(Wendy) Just south of Atlanta.

(laughing) (lively music) (applauding) ♪ Hey, be sure and be with us next week when our guests will be Bernadette Peters and Donald O'Connor, and let's not forget that pollution is everybody's enemy.

(applauding) ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started ♪ ♪ And before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes a time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

(cheering and applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ (announcer) Appearing in the stage mothers sketch were Inga Neilsen, Shawn Steinman, and Samee Lee Jones.

And in Some Like It Hotsy Totsy were Bob Duggan and Brad Trumball.

(applauding) ♪ (bright music)