(theme music) ♪ (unintelligible) (applause) Welcome to our show.

Thi--this evening, aside from our regulars Harvey and Lyle and Vicki, our very special guests are Mama Cass Elliot and Tim Conway.

(applause) Yay!

Let's turn up the lights and see if y'all have any questions or anything you want to talk about.

Uh-huh.

All three of you.

-♪ Hello ♪ -♪ Hello ♪ (man) I was wondering...

I was wondering if you ever wore hot pants, and if so, why?

(laughter) ♪ Sit down ♪ Yes.

(man) When are you gonna have Flip Wilson?

Oh, I'd love to, but Flip is on NBC, and we're CBS, and never the twain, you know.

It's awfully hard.

Oh, I'll integrate if he will.

-Any others?

Yes.

-Who gave the baby her name?

-What baby?

-Erin, Erin.

-Oh, Erin.

-Who named Erin?

(Carol) I did.

Well, we did because we have a, uh... My husband's niece, her name is Erin, and she's just a beautiful girl and very sweet, and we said, "Well, if it's a girl, that's what we'll call..." A lot of people think it's a Jewish boy, you know, because it's Aaron or Erin, but it's an Irish girl, yeah, right.

Any others?

Okay, don't go away.

We'll be right back.

(applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's The Carol Burnett Show, with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence, and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ (applause) (upbeat music) (soft music) ♪ (Carol) Stop it, Stanley, you're an animal!

Stop it, Stanley!

You're an animal!

-Um, Carol?

-Huh?

(Vicki) Would you mind a little constructive criticism?

-No, of course not.

-That was rotten.

-You can do it better?

-Of course.

(Carol) All right.

Be my guest.

Well?

Stop it, Stanley!

You're an animal!

(laughter) Now you know why you're painting scenery.

I feel better.

(Carol) You know, this whole thing is pretty ridiculous anyway, my being in A Streetcar Named Desire.

I wouldn't even be doing it if Roger wasn't directing it.

(Vicki) That's for sure.

(laughter) (Roger) Hey, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be over at the theater -painting scenery.

-I'm on my way.

(Roger) Well, snap to it.

I've got to get that scenery done.

I've got a show to put on.

(Vicki) Jawohl, mein Fuhrer.

(Carol) Roger, you know this whole community theater project -is really dumb.

-Oh, honey, this could mean a lot to me.

The president of the country club has made this his pet project.

-It's a prestige thing.

-Big deal.

(Roger) Oh, by the way, George Perkins is on his way over here -to rehearse with you.

-Who's George Perkins?

(Roger) George Perkins, he's a golfing buddy of mine.

I cast him in the part of Stanley, you know, the Marlon Brando part?

-Is he sexy?

-Well, not exactly.

(Carol) What do you mean "not exactly"?

(Roger) Well, uh, it's all in the acting.

He'll get it, it's right in the act-- That must be him.

(applause) (doorbell ringing) -Hello.

-Hello.

(George) I'm George Perkins.

(Carol) Boy, you must be one heck of an actor.

(Roger) Oh, hi, George, how are ya?

Glad you could come, we've got a lot of work to do.

Oh, this is my wife, Carol.

(George) Oh, how do you do?

Very nice to meet you, yes.

Oh, you'll be playing the part of Stella.

-Yes.

-I'll be playing the part of Stanley, the part that Marlon Brando played in the movie.

(laughter) I won't be playing it exactly like Marlon Brando.

-No kidding, Mr. Perkins.

-Yeah.

I have my own version.

It's called the Perkins version in school.

That's what we call it.

(Roger) Okay, let's get started, shall we?

-Could I talk to you... -Not now, honey.

We have a lot of work to do.

(Carol) Now, now.

-I want to talk to you now.

-Okay, dear, okay.

Just relax for a minute, will ya, George?

-Me?

-Yeah.

-What is it, honey?

-You have to be kidding with him.

-Now, look, Carol... -Roger, the part of Stanley is a guy who exudes animalistic sex.

I mean, he's all muscle and brawn, not 150 pounds of silly putty!

(Roger) Shh!

You can't judge a book by its cover.

(Carol) And you can't get blood out of a turnip.

I know a few of those myself.

(Roger) Shh, give him a chance, will ya?

Come on, kids, shall we get started?

I haven't got too much time.

I've only got a couple of days to whip this thing together, so we really have to work, we really have to concentrate.

Let's--let's start with the really big scene first, you know, the famous torn T-shirt scene, okay?

Now, Stanley, you've been drunk, and you've beaten her up.

Yeah, but you're sorry about it, see?

You want--you want to beg her forgiveness.

Now you're an animal sort of a guy, you got a raw sex appeal going for you there.

Hey, maybe you better strip down to your T-shirt to get more of the feeling for it, okay?

-Yeah.

-Okay, now, Stella... -Uh, excuse me.

-Yeah.

-Uh, here?

-Here what?

-Right here on the T-shirt?

-Oh, yeah, just strip down.

Just take your jacket off right over there.

(George) Do you have a room or something I could change?

(Roger) Right here, just don't be bashful.

-Here?

-Yeah.

We're all grown up.

-Excuse me.

-Okay.

Now, Stella, you don't want to give in, but you can't control yourself, you know, you really love the guy.

You got a big thing going for him.

And in the passionate embrace, you tear his T-shirt.

-You got that?

-Yeah.

(Roger) Okay, I think we can start now.

-Uh, George?

-Oh, uh... (laughter) (George) You know, just being rehearsal and all, does she have to tear my shirt?

It's my favorite one.

-I'll try to hold back.

-Okay, thank you.

(Roger) We'll just kind of mark it now for that, okay?

Okay.

Let's get in our circle.

Let's concentrate.

Know who we are, what we're after, what our motivation is, what we want.

Relax, Carol, come on.

I see you're tense.

Action.

Stella, Stella, come to me, baby.

(laughter) Stop it, Stanley, you're an animal.

(laughter) Stella, come to my arms.

-Oh, Stanley.

-Wait.

Watch the shirt.

(Roger) Cut!

Cut!

That wasn't even close, George.

I mean, Stanley, I want passion, I want lust, I want desire.

Stella, come into my arms, baby doll!

No, no, Stanley, I can't.

See what I mean?

Good, try it again.

All right, relax, relax, come on.

Come on, relax, come on!

Get into your circle, know who you are.

Could you turn the furnace up a little bit?

(laughter) (Roger) Just think it's a drafty place.

Okay.

Action.

-I'm sorry.

-It's all right.

Don't go until you're absolutely ready.

Stella, Stella, come into my arms.

(Carol) Oh, Stanley.

(Roger) No.

No, cut.

Cut.

No, cut.

Excuse me a minute.

Come here for a second, Carol.

(laughter) Honey, I think I know what the problem is.

You're embarrassed 'cause I'm here, right?

(Carol) Wrong, I'm embarrassed 'cause I'm here.

(Roger) Listen, it may be subconscious on your part, but I think you're uptight because you can't play a love scene in front of your husband, right?

(Carol) Wrong, that has nothing to do with it.

(Roger) Honey, forget I'm your husband and just do the scene.

(Carol) I'd like to forget you're my husband.

(Roger) Let's do the scene once more, kids.

Come on, let's really give it this time a lot of intensity, a lot... What's the matter, George?

Have to go somewhere?

Oh.

What is it?

(George) Uh, look, this isn't gonna work at all.

Uh, she just doesn't have it.

(laughter) (Roger) Now, look, George, she really does have it.

I mean, you just have to work with her a little bit, -you know what I mean?

-I don't know.

(Roger) She's just learning, she'll get better.

(George) I don't think you get blood out of a turnip.

(doorbell ringing) (Roger) Get that, will you, Carol?

-Oh, hi, Chuck!

-Hi, Carol!

Just got back from a flight.

I thought I'd stop and say hello.

-Oh, come on in.

-Oh, thanks.

(Carol) Oh, Chuck, this is, uh, George Perkins.

-This is Chuck.

-George?

-How do you do?

-Glad to know you.

(George) Nice to see you.

-A pilot, huh?

Wow.

-Oh, yeah.

-Fly the big ones, I bet, huh?

-The biggest.

-Yeah.

-You know, they got movies and even cocktail lounges, everything on those, don't they?

(Chuck) Well, we don't have movies on my flight.

I just leave the door to the cockpit open and let the passengers watch me and the stewardesses.

(laughter) Hey, look, I hope I'm not breaking anything up.

(Roger) Well, as a matter of fact, Chuck... (Carol) We were just rehearsing some dumb ol' silly play.

(Roger) Carol, A Streetcar Named Desire is not a dumb ol' silly play.

(Chuck) It certainly isn't.

I did Streetcar in college.

(Carol) You did?

(Chuck) Stella... Stella, I want my baby doll in my arms!

(Carol) Stanley, oh, Stanley!

Oh, Stanley!

Stanley!

(screaming) (laughter) (George) Uh... (laughter) I, um, I think I'm gonna be running along.

(laughter) This isn't gonna work out.

She's even worse with him, so I'm... (Roger) Uh, uh, Chuck?

Carol?

Carol!

Chuck!

(Carol) He's perfect, he's perfect!

(Roger) Look, I'm not holding an audition!

(Carol) I am!

Come on, Chuck, let's do the scene where I rip your T-shirt apart.

(Chuck) Oh, hey, that's right.

(Roger) All right, all right, all right.

You can do the scene with him until I get somebody else.

-Somebody else?

-You heard me.

-That's Stanley.

-Never mind.

-That man is Stanley.

-Forget it.

He doesn't even belong to our group.

Now quiet, please, let's get to work.

(Chuck) You ready, Carol?

(laughter) Oh, yeah.

-Let's concentrate.

-Stella, come into my arms, baby doll!

(Carol) Oh, Stanley!

-Stella!

Stella!

-Stanley!

(Roger) Cut!

Cut!

(Carol) Stanley, you animal!

Stanley!

(shouting) (laughter) (Carol) I'm sorry.

Did I rip your shirt?

(Chuck) Oh, it's not my shirt, it's your blouse.

(laughing) He ripped my blouse.

(Roger) Carol, how could you behave like that in front of me?

(Carol) Behave like what?

You're the director.

(Roger) I'm also your husband.

(Carol) Oh, you told me to forget about that.

(Roger) I told you to forget about that with George Perkins, -not with that maniac.

-Look, sir, if it's the blouse, I'll be glad to pay for it.

(Roger) Forget it!

The play is off, it's cancelled.

Get dressed and go home.

(Chuck) Yes, sir.

Gee, Carol, I'm sorry I made him mad.

(Carol) I am too, Chuck.

(Chuck) You know, you were really great in that scene.

-I was?

-Yeah, fantastic.

If you ever decide to give up being a housewife, you've got a promising career ahead of you.

-As an actress?

-No, as an airline stewardess.

(Carol) Oh, Chuck.

Stanley!

Stanley!

Stanley!

Doll baby!

Oh, Stella!

Oh, I really...

I had--I had it.

It was...

I'm sorry.

(Roger) I don't even want to do the darn play anymore.

(laughter) (Carol) Come on, I was putting you on with Chuck like I always do.

(Roger) I know, I know, I know, but that's not the problem.

The problem is who am I gonna get to play the part of Stanley?

(Carol) There's got to be somebody.

(Roger) Wait a minute, why not me?

I know the lines.

I've studied the darn thing.

Why don't I play it?

I mean, what's wrong with a husband and wife playing a love scene together?

-Let's try it.

-No, no, I'm not in the mood.

(laughter) You watch how fast I'll get you into the mood, baby.

(laughter) Hey, Stella, Stella, Stella!

(grunts) (Carol) Oh, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck!

(laughter) -Okay, Carol.

-What?

(Roger) You just ruined a great play and a mediocre marriage.

(Carol) Oh!

(horn music) (applause) ♪ (applause fades) Our next guest has an album coming out on January the 1st, and I urge you all to buy it because she's absolutely fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cass Elliot.

(applause) (guitar music) ♪ ♪ Through the hard times of my life ♪ ♪ ♪ You came to me ♪ ♪ ♪ And you said that you'd be there ♪ ♪ You reached out your hand and said, "Come on" ♪ ♪ ♪ I remember times when I, I didn't want to be ♪ ♪ You congratulated me for being strong and hanging on ♪ ♪ ♪ You brought me happiness and taught me how to sing ♪ ♪ You have given me my wings ♪ ♪ And now I'd like to offer you ♪ ♪ ♪ This mandolin that's been in my family ♪ ♪ It's been around since '33 or '32 ♪ ♪ ♪ Now I know you need a lady ♪ ♪ And I want to see ♪ ♪ I want to see you with someone who will love you strong and let you be ♪ ♪ ♪ And in the morning when she comes to you ♪ ♪ She'll bring to you ♪ ♪ ♪ A fresh papaya with mint tea, scrambled eggs, and cherries jubilee ♪ ♪ ♪ You brought me happiness and taught me how to sing ♪ ♪ You have given me my wings ♪ ♪ And now I'd like to offer you ♪ ♪ ♪ A friendly call when you're down and feeling blue ♪ ♪ You know what I'd like to do is offer me to you ♪ ♪ ♪ You know I love you like my brother ♪ ♪ And I want to be ♪ ♪ I want to be your special friend ♪ ♪ I want to know you when we're 93 ♪ ♪ ♪ You brought me happiness and taught me how to sing ♪ ♪ You have given me my wings ♪ ♪ And now I'd like to offer you ♪ ♪ ♪ Some scrambled eggs and some cherries jubilee ♪ ♪ You know where I'd like to be is home with you ♪ ♪ Home with you ♪ ♪ Home with you ♪ (applause) (lively music) (soft music) ♪ (Natalie) Thank you.

-May I help you?

-Oh, no, thank you.

We're just gonna browse.

(employee) Oh, well, if you need any help, I'll be right here.

-Thank you.

-This is a nice way to spend our lunch hour, isn't it?

Yeah, you know, being around books is so educational.

Yeah, I'd like to buy something, but I just don't know what to pick out.

(Bernice) Oh, here, I read this one last month.

(Natalie) "Eat and Lose Weight."

What happened?

(Bernice) Well, I got as far as "eat," and then I didn't understand the rest.

(Natalie) Oh.

Oh, here's that good new exercise book Put On Inches Where It Counts.

You know, I read this and I put on three inches.

-Where?

-Right there.

(Natalie) You know, I'm really kind of sick of all these books on self-improvement, how to diet, how not to diet.

It really is kind of a bore, you know?

-Yeah, I agree.

-I want something more meaningful, more uplifting, more lasting, you know?

(Bernice) You're right.

I'll ask the girl.

(clearing throat) Where are the dirty books?

(laughter) -That's Section B.

-Right, thank you.

(employee) And C and D and E. -Come on.

-No, no, not me.

I'm not gonna look at those sick, weird books.

(employee) Uh, sick and weird, Sections G, H, I, and J.

(Bernice) Oh, come on, Natalie, don't be so uptight.

(Natalie) All right, I'll keep you company, but I'm not gonna look.

(Bernice) Thank you.

Oh, look, The Sensuous Woman, The Sensuous Man.

-Oh, look at this one.

-What?

The Sensuous Child.

(Natalie) Where'd that come from?

(Bernice) I guess from the sensuous man and the sensuous woman.

-Come on, let's get out of here.

-Oh, oh, look, Natalie!

This is the number one bestseller in the country, 1001 Intimate Secrets Illustrated.

Everyone is reading it.

(Natalie) Bernice, would you put down that trash and let's get out of here.

Now come on, Bernice.

Bernice.

Oh, no.

(Bernice) Yeah.

(Natalie) Oh, that's awful.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, that's impossible.

(laughter) -More, more.

-Oh, I would die if anybody ever caught me looking at this.

-Uh-oh.

-Ow!

-Good afternoon, ladies.

-Hello, Father.

(priest) I was looking for the theology section.

(Natalie) Boy, are you in the wrong place!

(priest) It certainly is gratifying to see young people interested in books.

For a while, I thought reading was a lost art.

(Natalie) Yeah.

Ow!

(priest) Young lady, is anything the matter?

(Natalie) No, Father, I just seem to have this growth on my finger.

(priest) You should have it looked at.

(Natalie) Yeah, well, I wouldn't if I were you.

-Oh, I hope you'll feel better.

-Thank you.

Oh!

Let's get out of here.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

(Bernice) Look, there's only one copy left.

Let's buy it before somebody else does.

(Natalie) Are you kidding?

I wouldn't be caught dead buying that book.

(Bernice) Now, look, will you stop being so silly?

They have sold thousands of copies.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

We'll just go up to the girl at the desk and we'll pay her for the book, and that's it.

Now here's my half, and I'll meet you outside.

(Natalie) Oh, wait just a minute, Bernice!

I--I just can't do it!

-Yes, you can.

-I can't.

-You can.

-No, I can't.

(Bernice) Look, Natalie, you have got to learn to overcome these fears.

You have to prove something to yourself.

(Natalie) All right.

I just proved something to myself.

-What?

-I can't.

(Bernice) Oh, Natalie.

(Natalie) Well, all right.

All right, I'll do it, but we're gonna do it together.

I'm not gonna do it alone.

We'll go together and we'll walk right up to the girl, and you're not a girl, you're a man.

You're a man.

There was a girl here.

Where's the girl?

You're a man.

-She went to lunch.

-The girl went to lunch, the girl went to-- that's a man back there.

I can't buy this book from a man.

What if I meet him at a party and he'd want to ask me out?

What would I do?

-Bring along the book.

-Natalie!

That's not funny!

(Bernice) Come on, we're gonna be late for the office.

-Can I help you?

-Yeah, well, you see, I, um, I have--I have this table at home, and it has four legs, but one of the little legs is a little bit shorter than the other little leg, and this book seems to be just about the perfect size for it.

So how much do I owe you?

(man) I don't know.

I can't see the book.

-I can't do it.

-Yes, you can.

Tell him you're buying it for a sick friend.

(Natalie) Um, I want to buy this sick book for a friend.

(laughter) Uh, I want...

I want to buy this book.

(man) Lady, I can't hear you.

(Natalie) I want to buy this book.

(man) Oh, you mean 1001 Intimate Secrets Illustrated, right?

(Natalie) Uh, look, look, see, I'm really very embarrassed about this, so how much do I owe you?

-That's 7.95.

-Yeah, okay.

(man) Hey, wait a minute, this may be on sale.

Let me check.

Hey, Herbie, is this dirty book on sa-- (Natalie) Shh!

Look, here, here, I'll pay the full price.

-Want me to gift wrap it?

-No, keep the change.

Let's get out of here, if anybody knows I bought that book, I'd just die.

(man) Oh, excuse me, just a moment.

Uh, did you just buy this book?

(Natalie) No, I bought it for a sick table.

(man) Congratulations!

This is your lucky day.

You are the 100,000th person to buy this book.

All right, reporters, here she is, right here.

Smile, dear.

Here she is, the 100,000th... (Natalie) No!

(horn music) (applause) (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned now for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show following station identification.

♪ ♪ And, now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

I am really looking forward to this next number because it involves some very talented people on our show who help make it so much fun for us to do.

And, so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very proud to present our own Vicki Lawrence, assisted by Don Crichton and our Ernie Flatt Dancers.

(applause) (soft music) ♪ ♪ It must have been moonglow ♪ ♪ Way up in the blue ♪ ♪ It must have been moonglow that led me straight to you ♪ ♪ I still hear you saying ♪ ♪ I love you so ♪ ♪ "Dear one, hold me fast" ♪ ♪ Don't ever go ♪ ♪ And I start in praying ♪ ♪ "Oh, Lord, please let this last" ♪ ♪ We seemed to float right through the air ♪ ♪ ♪ Heavenly songs seemed to come from everywhere ♪ ♪ ♪ And now when there's moonglow ♪ ♪ Shining above ♪ ♪ Way up in the blue ♪ ♪ Bringing me love ♪ ♪ I'll always remember ♪ ♪ That moonglow gave me you ♪ (ensemble) ♪ On a picnic morning ♪ ♪ Without a warning ♪ ♪ I looked at you and somehow I knew ♪ ♪ On a day for singing ♪ ♪ My heart went winging ♪ ♪ A picnic grove was our rendezvous ♪ ♪ You and I in the sunshine ♪ ♪ We strolled the fields and farms ♪ ♪ At the last light of evening ♪ ♪ I held you in my arms ♪ ♪ Now when days grow stormy ♪ ♪ And lonely for me ♪ ♪ I just recall picnic time with you ♪ ♪ ♪ You and I in the sunshine ♪ ♪ We strolled the fields and farms ♪ ♪ At the last light of evening ♪ ♪ I held you in my arms ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ (Vicki) ♪ And now when there's moonglow ♪ ♪ Way up in the blue ♪ ♪ I'll always remember ♪ ♪ That moonglow gave me you ♪ ♪ That moonglow gave me you ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause fades) Of all the sketches that Tim Conway has done on our show, this is our fifth season, I think the most memorable one is the one where he played the inexperienced dentist.

And, tonight--oh, you remember.

Of course.

By popular request, we're gonna show it again.

And so, here, assisted by Harvey Korman as the patient, is Mr. Tim Conway.

(applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (nurse) Right this way, Mr. Schlesinger.

It always seems to happen on a Sunday, doesn't it?

(Mr. Schlesinger) Oh, boy, I tell you, it really hurts.

(nurse) Dr. Kiefer will be with you in a minute.

(Mr. Schlesinger) Dr. Kiefer?

What happened to Dr. Burmar?

(nurse) Oh, he's out of town.

He's breaking in a new partner, his son-in-law.

-Doesn't hurt that much.

-You won't find another dentist on a Sunday.

(Mr. Schlesinger) Yeah, I guess you're right.

You--you sure he knows what he's doing?

(nurse) Dr. Kiefer just graduated from dental school.

As a matter of fact, you're his very first patient, so he may be a little nervous.

(Mr. Schlesinger) He won't be the only one.

-Dr. Kiefer?

-Yes.

-Your first patient is waiting.

-Ah!

(laughter) -He's still here.

-Doctor, he's waiting.

(Dr. Kiefer) Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy.

I thought we were just gonna come in and practice today.

I didn't know-- (nurse) He'll be right with you.

-Hello.

-Hello, Doctor.

(Dr. Kiefer) Well, that'll be $20.

(laughter) (Mr. Schlesinger) Twenty dollars?

You haven't done anything yet.

(Dr. Kiefer) Fifteen maybe?

(Mr. Schlesinger) Look, Doctor, please listen to me.

I have a terrible toothache.

I am in terrible pain.

Now I want you to do something to stop the pain.

Either fill the tooth or pull it.

(Dr. Kiefer) Oh, gosh.

Uh, I had Cs.

-Cs?

-Yeah, see, in dental school, in filling and pulling, I only got Cs.

That was just kind of an average grade.

I got As in cleaning, though.

You want me to clean for ya?

-Will it stop the pain?

-No, but it'll look great.

Boy, I can polish it right up.

(Mr. Schlesinger) Give me the Cs, give me the Cs.

(Dr. Kiefer) Cs, oh, boy.

Gosh, uh...

I cheated on my final.

And besides, I had mononucleosis the last semester, so I didn't get a chance to work on people like the other guys, so most of my work was just done with animals.

(Dr. Kiefer) I don't--I don't care about animals.

Just please fix this tooth.

(Dr. Kiefer) Yeah, but it isn't the same working on animals and people.

(Mr. Schlesinger) Doctor, I don't care!

Please, I'm in terrible pain.

-Yeah.

-Please.

(Dr. Kiefer) Well, I'll give it a try.

(whistling) (laughter) -What's this?

-It's a doggy treat.

You want to go outside for a while?

(Mr. Schlesinger) No, I'm fine, thank you.

-Good boy.

Okay.

-Please, Doctor, please do something about this tooth!

(Dr. Kiefer) Yeah, right, well, I guess you better wash up.

Or I better wash up.

No sense in you washing up.

You wouldn't be putting your hand in my mouth, so I'll wash up.

There we go.

Uh...

Uh... (laughter) Say--say, did you hear the one about the guy who had an electric toothbrush?

He used to brush after every meal and then see his electrician twice a year.

(laughter) ♪ Brush, brush, brush your teeth ♪ ♪ Brush 'em every day ♪ ♪ Mother, sister brother, father ♪ ♪ Brush 'em every way ♪ School song.

-Ah!

-Well, let's just have an old look at that.

Here, excuse me a minute.

-Just let's see now.

-Hurry.

(Dr. Kiefer) Yeah.

Oh, on second thought, I don't think I will take a look at it.

-Now what?

-Well, my mother gave me these for graduation.

-So what?

-Well, you're gonna get 'em all icky.

(laughter) (Mr. Schlesinger) No, I won't.

I--no, I won't.

(Dr. Kiefer) Okay, but maybe we can just wait -till it falls out, you know?

-Please, please, Doctor!

-Okay.

-Ah!

-Ah, see, I was right.

-What?

(Dr. Kiefer) Well, you got it all icky.

Here you go, better rinse out a little bit.

There you go, just... (groaning) (laughter) I don't have a bowl.

Uh, Mom is gonna give me that too, but she just ordered it.

It won't be here till Tuesday.

Do you want to wait till Tuesday?

(laughter) You don't want to wait, huh?

(Mr. Schlesinger) Oh, Doctor, please, please, get this-- get this tooth out of my mouth now.

(Dr. Kiefer) Let's see now, if we're gonna pull her out, we'll have to have those pulley things.

The pulleys and, let's see, pinchy things, and the little picky things.

There.

Pinchy, picky, pulley.

Hey, I'll get my manual.

Just a minute on that.

All right, here.

Okay, now, let's see, you want to pull your tooth out.

P. P, P-U, P-U-L. P-U-L-L. "Pull tooth, T." T. T-O, T-O-O... T-O-O-T-H.

Here we are.

"Pull your tooth out."

Boy, this is gonna hurt.

(laughter) (Mr. Schlesinger) Doctor, if it's gonna hurt, please give me something -to kill the pain.

-Yeah.

Okay, well, I've got some novocaine right here.

Just, uh, hold on to that a minute.

Let's see how this works here.

Okay, novocaine.

Here we are, novocaine.

"Take a firm hold of the hypodermic needle."

Right.

(laughter) Ah!

"There will be a little bit of pain and then numbness will set in."

(laughter) (laughter continues) Well, I guess we'll get right to it.

(laughter) (laughter continues) Uh, I'll just give you a little shot here.

(laughter) (laughter continues) Hang on.

We'll be right with you.

(laughter) (laughter continues) Well... (buzzing) (buzzing stops) (laughter) Uh...

Try and... (laughter) (laughter continues) (laughing) Better, um...

Better look at it a little closer with the light.

(groaning) Sorry, I didn't, uh... Oh, well, now that'll be $20.

Uh, maybe 40.

(applause) (horn music) ♪ (horn music) ♪ (soft music) ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ You're a mama, I'm a mama too ♪ ♪ Think of all the songs that we've been through ♪ (Cass) ♪ All the lullabies and all the rounds ♪ (Carol) ♪ All the silly syllables and tongue-twisting sounds ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ From the cradle to the seventh grade ♪ ♪ Every mother has her hit parade ♪ ♪ All the songs we've been through ♪ ♪ As our babies grew and grew ♪ ♪ ♪ Close your eyes, sleepyhead ♪ ♪ Bright angels will guard you ♪ ♪ Close your eyes, sleepyhead ♪ ♪ Angels gather near your bed ♪ ♪ Lullaby and goodnight ♪ ♪ Till the dawn's early light ♪ ♪ Lullaby and goodnight ♪ (Carol) ♪ Time to turn out the light ♪ (Cass) ♪ Hushaby, don't you cry ♪ ♪ Go to sleep, you little baby ♪ ♪ When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses ♪ (Carol) ♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪ ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ If that mockingbird don't sing, Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ ♪ Hush, little baby ♪ ♪ Hush, little baby ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ (Carol) ♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪ ♪ Dormez-vous, dormez-vous ♪ ♪ Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines ♪ ♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪ ♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪ (Cass) ♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪ ♪ How I wonder what you are ♪ (Carol) ♪ I see the moon ♪ ♪ The moon sees me ♪ ♪ God bless the moon and God bless me ♪ (Cass) ♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout ♪ ♪ Here is my handle, here is my spout ♪ ♪ When I start to boil, hear me shout ♪ ♪ Pop, goes the weasel ♪ (Carol) ♪ The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout ♪ ♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider out ♪ ♪ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♪ ♪ Now the itsy-bitsy spider goes up the spout again ♪ (Cass) ♪ Bow-wow-wow ♪ ♪ Whose dog art thou ♪ ♪ Little Owen's little dog ♪ ♪ Bow-wow-wow ♪ (Carol) ♪ Where, oh, where, oh, where is Carrie ♪ ♪ Where, oh, where, oh, where is Joey ♪ ♪ Where, oh, where, oh, where is Erin ♪ ♪ Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Picking up paw-paws, put 'em in a basket ♪ ♪ Picking up paw-paws, put 'em in a basket ♪ ♪ Picking up paw-paws, put 'em in a basket ♪ ♪ Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch ♪ ♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪ ♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪ ♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪ ♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪ ♪ Alouette, gentille alouette ♪ ♪ Alouette, je te plumerai ♪ (Cass) ♪ Je te plumerai la tête ♪ (Carol) ♪ Je te plumerai la tête ♪ -♪ Et la tête ♪ -♪ Et la tête ♪ -♪ Et le bec ♪ -♪ Et le bec ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Oh, oh ♪ -♪ Ring around the rosie ♪ -♪ Farmer in the dell ♪ -♪ A pocket full of posy ♪ -♪ The farmer in the dell ♪ -♪ Ashes, ashes ♪ -♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o ♪ -♪ We all fall down ♪ -♪ The farmer in the ♪ (Carol) ♪ London Bridge is falling down ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Falling down ♪ ♪ Falling down ♪ ♪ London Bridge is falling down ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ ♪ The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be ♪ ♪ What she used to be ♪ ♪ What she used to be ♪ ♪ The old gray mare, she ♪ ♪ What she used to be ♪ ♪ Many long years ago ♪ (Cass) ♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪ ♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪ ♪ Go tell Aunt Rhody ♪ -♪ The old gray goose is dead ♪ -Hey!

(Cass and Carol) ♪ Stolie, stolie, stolie pum-pum ♪ ♪ Stolie pum-pum, stolie pum-pum ♪ ♪ Stolie, stolie, stolie pum-pum ♪ ♪ Stolie pum-pum, oom-pum-pum ♪ (Carol) ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small world after all ♪ ♪ It's a small, small world ♪ ♪ Yankee doodle went to town ♪ ♪ Riding on his pony ♪ ♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪ ♪ And called it macaroni ♪ (Cass) ♪ This old man, he played two ♪ ♪ He played knick-knack on my shoe ♪ ♪ With a knick-knack, paddywhack ♪ ♪ Give the dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man went rolling home ♪ (Carol) ♪ Follow the yellow brick road ♪ ♪ Follow the yellow brick road ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Follow the yellow brick road ♪ ♪ Follow the yellow brick road ♪ ♪ We're off to see the wizard ♪ ♪ The wonderful Wizard of Oz ♪ ♪ We hear he is a whiz of a wiz ♪ ♪ If ever a wiz there was ♪ ♪ If ever, oh, ever a wiz there was ♪ ♪ The Wizard of Oz is one because, because, because, because, because, because ♪ ♪ Be kind to your web-footed friends ♪ ♪ For a duck may be somebody's mother ♪ ♪ Be kind to your friends in the swamp ♪ ♪ 'Cause the weather is cold and damp ♪ ♪ You may think that this is the end ♪ ♪ Well, it isn't ♪ ♪ ♪ Papa Haydn's dead and gone ♪ ♪ But his memory lingers on ♪ ♪ When his mood was full of bliss ♪ ♪ He wrote jolly tunes like this ♪ ♪ Batman ♪ ♪ Batman ♪ -♪ If I had a hammer ♪ -♪ If I had a hammer ♪ -♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪ -♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪ -♪ I'd hammer in the evening ♪ -♪ I'd hammer in the evening ♪ -♪ All over this land ♪ -♪ All over this land ♪ (Cass) ♪ I'd hammer out ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Danger ♪ ♪ I'd hammer out a warning ♪ ♪ I'd hammer out joy to the world ♪ ♪ All the boys and girls now ♪ ♪ Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea ♪ (Carol) ♪ Joy to you and me ♪ (Cass) ♪ It's raining, it's pouring ♪ ♪ The old man is snoring ♪ (Carol) ♪ You are my sunshine ♪ ♪ My only sunshine ♪ (Cass) ♪ Ain't gonna rain no more, no more ♪ ♪ Ain't gonna rain no more ♪ (Carol) ♪ You make me happy ♪ (Cass) ♪ How in the world can the old folks tell ♪ ♪ It ain't gonna rain no more ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ You'll never know, dear ♪ ♪ How much I love you ♪ (Cass) ♪ Please don't take my sunshine away ♪ (Carol) ♪ Let the sunshine ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Let the sunshine ♪ ♪ The sunshine in ♪ ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪ ♪ Kumbaya ♪ ♪ Oh, Lord ♪ (Carol) ♪ Kumbaya ♪ (Cass) ♪ Sleep, my child ♪ ♪ And peace attend thee ♪ ♪ All through the night ♪ (Carol) ♪ Merrily we roll along ♪ ♪ Roll along ♪ ♪ Roll along ♪ (Cass) ♪ Gliddy glub gloopy ♪ ♪ Nibby nabby noopy ♪ ♪ La-la-la-lo-lo ♪ ♪ Sabba sibbi sabba ♪ ♪ Nooby aba naba ♪ ♪ Lay-lee-lo-lo ♪ ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ Tooby ooby wala ♪ ♪ Nooby aba naba ♪ ♪ Song, song, song, sing ♪ ♪ Sing, sing, sing ♪ (Carol) ♪ Song ♪ (Cass) ♪ Where are you going ♪ (Cass and Carol) ♪ My little one ♪ ♪ Little one ♪ ♪ Where are you going, my baby, my own ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ And she's a young girl ♪ ♪ ♪ With babes ♪ ♪ ♪ Of her own ♪ ♪ Lullaby ♪ ♪ And goodnight ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause fades) Thank you tonight, and be sure and be with us next week when our guests will be Barbara McNair and Andy Griffith.

And please give some thought to pollution and health.

We can't have both.

Oh, and be sure and watch my buddy Julie Andrews and me next Tuesday, December 7th, on CBS.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

(applause) (theme music) ♪ (announcer) The part of the priest was played by Joe Christopher.

The song "Cherries Jubilee" was previously recorded.

♪ (applause fades) (bright music)