(theme music) (applause) ♪ Thank you, welcome to our show.

This evening, we have Harvey Korman and Vicki Lawrence and Tim Conway with us.

(applause) And our special guest this evening is Mr. Roddy McDowall.

(applause) Let's turn up the lights if y'all want to say anything before we get started.

-Yes?

-Are you a natural beauty -or do you have to work at it?

-I'm natural.

(laughter) No, actually, I must tell you, I'm really a lot more attractive than I am.

(laughter) Uh, no, I have to get-- because being in comedy, you can't be too beautiful or people wouldn't laugh at ya.

So, what I do in the morning, I get up and, uh, I cut my eyelashes because they-- overnight, they grow so long, you know.

They make Elizabeth Taylor's eyes look bald.

And, uh, then the next thing I do is I bind my chest because otherwise I'd be (pops lips) like that.

And then I darken the roots of my hair.

And then I put these teeth in, and I go out and face the world.

And everybody's, you know, "She's not quite as lovely as we thought."

But, uh, no, you know Raquel Welch?

(blows raspberry) compared to me.

(laughter, applause) (woman) My father wants to know how you keep so slim.

(Carol) Your father wants to know how I keep so slim?

He wants my figure?

(laughter) Just no junk food.

Tell Daddy to lay off the beer and the pizza, that'll do it.

(laughter) -Yeah?

-I really wanted to know -where you got the dress.

-Where did I get the dress?

At White Front.

They have a sale.

(laughter) So--great things.

Hurry, though, there are only about 75 of these left.

(laughter) No, they're made for us by Bob Mackie, our costume designer.

Yeah?

-What nationality are you?

-I'm Oriental.

(laughter) (chuckling) No, I'm Irish and English, and I think Dutch and some German and part-- (laughs) And part American Indian, Cherokee.

Yes.

Any other questions you might have?

Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (theme music) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

(applause) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

♪ Vicki Lawrence.

♪ (knocking) And Tim Conway.

♪ (soft music) ♪ -Oh.

-Ah?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Champagne.

-Yes.

-Mm.

-I want this to be a special evening.

Nancy, I--I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me.

I know this may sound strange to you, but a person in my position with my kind of money can actually be lonely.

-Oh, Harold.

-No, it's true.

I have all kinds of women chasing me all the time, but I never know whether they're interested in me or my money.

(Carol) Darling, I want you to know that I would love you no matter what.

(Harvey) I know, that's why you're so different, Nancy, you're so sincere and honest and truthful and sensitive.

No, you are, you really are.

I know your love for me is genuine, and that's why I promised myself tonight I'd--well, perhaps this will explain everything.

(chuckling) (laughter) Please don't laugh at me, Nancy.

It's very hard for me to say these things.

What I mean is I'd like you to be my wife.

(laughing) (laughter) I don't see anything funny in that.

(Carol) I'm sorry, darling, I'm not laughing at you.

Please, go on, sweetheart.

(Harvey) Well, I want you to be my wife, and I promise you-- (laughter) Please don't do that, Nancy, it's very disconcerting.

(Carol) I know, but I can't help it.

(laughing) -Nancy-- -No, no, no, listen to me.

That man over there, he's got whipped cream on his nose.

(laughter) Look, look, look.

(laughing) Yes, that is very humorous.

(Carol) That's the funniest thing I ever saw.

(Harvey) Oh, come on, Nancy, it's-- Nancy, it's not that funny.

Now, honey, please, control yourself.

(laughing) I can't help it.

(man) Madam, do you mind?

We came here for a quiet dinner.

-I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry, but that guy over there has got whipped cream on his nose.

(laughing) (woman) Where?

Where?

(laughing) (woman) Oh, he does.

(laughing) (Carol) He's got it on his sleeve.

(laughing) (Harvey) Please, stop it.

Nancy, how do you like it, darling?

Tell me, how do you like it?

(laughing) Nancy, really, I'm trying-- (Tim) Um, pardon me, is something wrong here?

(chuckling) -Madam... -I think she wants you to look at the man over there with the whipped cream.

There's a man over there with whipped cream.

(Carol) On his nose.

(laughing) (laughter) Nancy.

(laughing) Nancy, this is growing out of all proportion.

I mean, it's not that funny.

Will you excuse me, sir?

Now, Nancy, you don't have to give me your answer now, darling, but I--I do want you to try it on, darling.

How do you like it?

-Oh, it's beautiful.

-Just wear it for a little-- (Roddy) I find your conduct to be intolerable.

Remove yourself to the kitchen at once.

There is no need for you-- (laughing) (laughter) I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening.

I'm taking my ring back, Nancy.

I'll have a cab take you home.

No, I'm sorry, Nancy, it's all over.

It's-- (laughing) It's all over your nose.

(laughing) -What's so funny?

-You have clam dip all over your nose.

(laughing) I don't see anything funny in that.

(blows raspberries) (musical flourish) (applause) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roddy McDowall.

(applause) Having Roddy around all week is a treat for the ears as well as for the eyes.

-A treat for the ears?

-Oh, yes, yes.

Just listening to Roddy speak is a joy for me.

Your annunciation is absolutely impeccable.

(Roddy) Oh, that's very nice of you, Carol.

Thank you very much, but, listen, that is purely a matter of training.

See, all English actors are weaned on Peter Piper's practical principles of plain and perfect pronunciation.

(Carol) Could you die?

(laughter) Did you hear how trippingly that flowed?

(Roddy) Oh, but it's simple, Carol.

You know, it's very simple.

-You could do that.

-No, no.

It's not so simple for a person from San Antonio, Texas.

(Roddy) Well, of course it is.

All it is is a matter of just a little reeducation of the lips and the tongue.

-Yeah?

-Sure.

-Well, I don't know.

-Well, surely, you must have learned some tongue twisters back there in Texas.

(Carol) Oh, yeah, simple ones, though, like she sells seashells by the seashore, or a big black bug bit a big black bear.

-You know, I could do that.

-That's not simple.

-Isn't it?

-No, not at all.

I think you're ready for higher education.

(Carol) Good.

(laughter) (Roddy) Yeah, try this one.

The seething sea ceaseth, thus the seething sea sufficeth us.

(clears throat) What?

(laughter) (Roddy) The seething sea ceaseth, thus the seething sea sufficeth us.

(Carol) The seething sea ceaseth, thus the seething sea sufficeth us.

(Roddy) That's very good.

Wasn't that good?

(laughter) I tell you, do you want a long one?

-All right.

-All right.

Try this one.

Um... Theophilus Thistledown, the successful Thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.

Now, if Theophilus Thistledown, the successful Thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, watch that thou, in sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles, do not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

(laughter, applause) -No way.

-You try it.

-No way, no way.

-All right.

Well, then try a short one.

How about toy boat?

Toy boat?

(Roddy) No, Carol, you've got to say it over and over and over, not just once.

Oh, well, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

(laughter) What are you laughing at, sir?

(laughter) Look it--do you see the gentleman down there laugh-- -Yes.

-What's your name?

-Gert.

-Gert?

Gert, let me hear you do toy boat.

(laughter) -Would you do it?

-Toy boat.

-Real fast.

-Toy boat, toy boat.

(laughter, applause) (laughter) (Carol) See?

(Roddy) You know, you can do it with every letter in the alphabet.

-Yeah?

-Sure, try, uh, Billy Button bought a butter biscuit.

(Carol) Oh, Billy Button bought a bust-- would you mind if I sing it?

(Roddy) Oh, well, there's music.

Go right ahead.

(bright music) (Carol) ♪ Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit ♪ (Roddy) ♪ Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit ♪ ♪ Where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought ♪ ♪ (Roddy) That's excellent.

-Try this one.

-Okay.

♪ ♪ Captain Craxcomb cracked his cousin's coxcomb ♪ (Carol) Will you knock that off?

(laughter) (Roddy) Come on, come on, you've gotta be ruthless.

-Press on.

-All right.

♪ Captain Craxcomb cracked his cousin's coxcomb ♪ (Roddy) ♪ Did Captain Craxcomb crack his cousin's coxcomb ♪ (Carol) ♪ If Captain Craxcomb cracked his cousin's coxcomb ♪ ♪ Where's his cousin's coxcomb Captain Craxcomb cracked ♪ (laughter) ♪ Here's one.

♪ Betty Botter bought some butter but she said the butter's bitter ♪ ♪ If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter ♪ ♪ But a bit of better butter, that would make my batter better ♪ ♪ So she bought a bit of butter ♪ ♪ Better than her bitter butter ♪ ♪ And she put it in her batter and the batter was not bitter ♪ ♪ So it was better Betty Botter bought some better butter ♪♪ (Roddy) Hey!

(applause) (lively music) Hey.

-Remember this one.

-What?

♪ (Roddy) ♪ A flea and a fly in a flue ♪ ♪ Imprisoned, said what should we do ♪ ♪ "Let us fly!"

said the flea, "Let us flee!"

said the fly ♪ ♪ So they flew through a flaw in the flue ♪♪ (Carol) Wonderful.

Oh, you're too much.

(Roddy) Like that one, huh?

Well, here, here is the pièce de résistance, all right?

(Carol) Okay.

(Roddy) Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.

(Carol) That sounds curiously familiar.

For Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses, as Moses supposes his toeses to be.

♪ Moses supposes his toeses are roses ♪ ♪ But Moses supposes erroneously ♪ (Carol) ♪ A mose is a mose ♪ (Roddy) ♪ A rose is a rose ♪ (Carol) ♪ A toes is a toes ♪ ♪ Hoop-de-doodle-doodle ♪ ♪ Moses supposes his toeses are roses ♪ ♪ But Moses supposes erroneously ♪ ♪ For Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses ♪ ♪ As Moses supposes his toeses to be ♪ ♪ Moses supposes his toeses are roses ♪ ♪ But Moses supposes erroneously ♪ ♪ For Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses ♪ ♪ As Moses supposes his toeses to be ♪ ♪ A rose is a rose is a rose is a roses ♪ (Roddy) ♪ A rose is what Moses supposes his toes is ♪ ♪ Couldn't be a lily or a daffy daffodilly ♪ ♪ It's gotta be a rose 'cause it rhymes with Mose ♪ ♪ ♪ There are other rhymes we missed ♪ ♪ Words to give your tongue a twist ♪ ♪ If you're looking for fun, simply sing silly, sappy, happy songs like the ones we've sung ♪ ♪ Quinn's twin sisters sing tongue twisters too ♪♪ (Roddy) Hey!

(applause) (soft music) ♪ (Harvey) Hi, Sally, your two boyfriends are back.

(applause) (Tim) Boy, I bet you been dreaming about us.

(Vicki) Well, if it ain't Don Juan and Don Half a Juan.

(laughter) -Honk-honk!

-Keep your paws off, Pete.

(Harvey) I just wanted to touch something big for good luck.

(Vicki) Yeah, well, why don't you grab your nose?

(laughter) (Tim) Well, she got you on that one, didn't she?

(Harvey) Ay, shut up.

(Tim) Yeah, I'll tell you somethin'.

Come tomorrow, I am going to be a free man, and the competition here between you and me is gonna get pretty stiff.

(Harvey) Shoot, boy, you've got a lot to learn yet.

Remember, I got a whole year of single life under my belt.

(Tim) Boy, has it been a year already since you've been divorced?

(Harvey) Yes, siree, and I've enjoyed every minute of it.

-Yeah.

-Here's your menus.

You can read English, can't you, or do you need this translated into gorilla?

(laughter) (Harvey) How's about a little kiss to start off with, -come on, just one.

-I'll be back.

(chuckles) (Tim) You know something, I think you got her motor runnin'.

-Sure.

-I tell you, the day that Penny walked out of my life was the happiest day of my life.

I really started to live.

(Tim) Yeah, well, my happy day is comin' tomorrow because my divorce will be final.

And I don't have to look at that Natalie anymore, and you and me are gonna start hittin' them night spots, you know what I mean.

(gleeful exclamation) (Harvey) I tell you one thing I learned, there are plenty of fish in the ocean.

-Yeah.

-Come on, let's face it.

I'm a man's man.

I don't need no cute little house to live in with a little picket fence around it.

I don't need to come home to talk to some woman, confide in her.

Yeah, what am I gonna talk about to her anyway?

I'm Pete Harland.

-I'm a loner and I like it.

-Right.

(whimpers) (laughter) (whimpering continues) (laughter) (Harvey) What are you having there, Hank?

(Tim) What, uh, I'm--I'm gonna have that hamburger.

(Harvey) Oh, hamburger?

I'm gonna have me that man-sized steak.

French-fried potatoes, pie a la mode.

(laughter) (whimpers) (Tim) Hey, uh, what's wrong with you?

(Harvey) What?

(laughter) "What?"

What you're doing there, that: (mimics whimpering) (laughter) What's that supposed to be anyway?

(Harvey) I can't help it.

(Tim) You're acting like a ... (laughter) I'm so lonely.

(weeping) (Tim) Well, you got just got through telling me about all-- well, you keep that up, I'll tell ya, I'm goin' to another table.

(Harvey) No, no, don't leave me, Hank, don't leave me.

(Tim) Get your hands off me.

Them guys are starting to stare.

(Harvey) Hank, I'm sorry, it's just you don't know how lonely it is day after day, night after night.

(Tim) No.

Here comes Sally, better straighten up.

(Vicki) Okay, what's it gonna be?

(Harvey) Oh, he'll have the burger, I'll have the steak, French fries, pie a la mode, and a box of Kleenex please.

(laughter) -What?

-He just needs a box of Kleenex.

It's all joking around like that.

What's wrong with you?

(laughter) You're acting like some little girl or something, -for crying out loud.

-I gotta blow my nose.

(Tim) Well, wipe it on your sleeve.

(laughter) I can't, it's suede.

(laughter) Well, that's the dry cleaner's problem.

(laughter) Don't you understand, I don't want to ruin my jacket.

-Penny gave it to me.

-Penny, Penny.

For crying out loud, you're some kind of big baby.

Here, use that.

(Harvey) Thanks, Hank.

You're a real buddy.

(laughter) (blows nose) Oh, Hank.

What am I gonna do?

(laughter) (Tim) Well, for one thing, you can keep that.

(laughter) You gotta straighten up for crying out loud.

What's the matter with you anyway?

-I'm sorry.

-If you're gonna be a man, -you don't need no wife.

-Uh-huh.

(Tim) If you're gonna be a man, you can do it on your own.

You can, uh... Well, see, you hear that song?

-Yeah.

-Well, that used to be Natalie's favorite song.

We were together all the time, we used to hear it.

Think that bothers me anymore?

We are through.

Doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

If a guy's gonna be a man, he can... (laughter) -Poor Hank.

-She used to love that.

We'd get on that little (indistinct).

Hey, turn that thing off or I'm gonna kick it in.

(Harvey) Hey, Hank, remember what you just told me.

(Tim) Ah, shut up.

Can't you see my heart's breaking?

(muttering) (music stops) (laughter) (weeping) (Harvey) Hey, come on, guy.

(Tim) Uh oh.

Well, I guess I'll have a shot of rye and a beer with mine.

(Harvey) Is my nose red?

(Tim) Huh?

Just a little bit.

(Harvey) I don't think she noticed.

-Yeah.

-Boy, does this look good.

-Look at this steak.

-Yeah, sure does.

-I can't eat.

-I can't eat this.

(weeping) (Tim) My eyes are a little puffy, aren't they?

(Harvey) Huh?

No, they look-- (Vicki) Hey, how come you guys ain't eatin'?

(Harvey) Oh, heck, we're not hungry for your food.

We're hungry for your love.

(Vicki) Well, in that case, you're gonna starve to death.

(Harvey) Well, we gotta blow, gotta hit the road.

There you are, Sally.

We'll be seeing you again soon.

-Just listen for our horn.

-Yeah, toot-toot.

(Harvey) Honk-honk.

(chuckling) (whimpering) (laughter) (Vicki) You know, I couldn't fall for either one of those two lugheads.

They just don't take love seriously.

(laughter) (musical flourish) (applause) ♪ (bright music) ♪ (punches in) (punches in) (clears throat) (work whistle blows) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) (wrench whirs) (laughter) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) (wrench whirs) (laughter) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) -Jim?

-Yes?

(drill whirs) I want a divorce.

(hammer bangs) (laughter) (wrench whirs) (drill whirs) (Roddy) A divorce?

Why?

(hammer bangs) (Carol) Because your work comes before me.

(laughter) (drill whirs) (Roddy) My work is very important to me.

(Carol) Your work?

What about my work?

You never want to hear about my work.

(hammer bangs) (Roddy) All right, what about your work?

(Carol) Forget it.

(laughter) Besides, there's somebody else.

(laughter) (drill whirs) (Roddy) Who?

(hammer bangs) (Carol) Oh, someone who puts me before his work.

(laughter) (drill whirs) (Roddy) Where did you meet him?

(Carol) Around.

(laughter) (wrench whirs) (work whistle blows) (Roddy) If I ever find out who he is, I will kill him.

(Carol) Oh, you will, will you?

Well, you needn't worry, my darling, because you will never find out who he is, never, never, never, because I would never tell you who he is.

Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.

Here, sweetheart.

(laughter) (Roddy) I will find out if it takes me forever.

(Carol) That's what you think, but, Jim, face it, we're just too smart for you.

You want some sugar, sweetheart?

-Nah.

-I'll find out who it is, and when I do, he better start saying his prayers.

-Now who is he?

-Forget it.

I told you before, wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.

Drink it, darling.

(laughter) (work whistle blows) (inhales sharply) (Roddy) I can't go on.

I can't go on!

(Carol) What do you mean?

You're supposed to be drilling.

-What are you doing?

-Is that all -you ever care about?

-That's all you ever cared about.

(Roddy) All right, if that's what you want.

Here are your rotten holes.

-Here!

-Stop that!

What are you doing?

You're going absolutely mad.

Stop it!

What do you think you're doing?

-Mad?

-Just stop it, Jim, stop it.

(Roddy) I will show you what is mad.

(maniacal growling) (Carol) Stop that!

(maniacal growling) Stop this behavior!

(Harvey) What's going on here?

(applause) -It's all her fault!

-What do you mean -it's all her fault?

-It is all her fault.

(Harvey) You two come to my office.

(overlapping shouting) (hammer bangs) (wrench whirs) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) (laughter) (laughter) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) (laughter) (drill whirs) (laughter) -My baby.

-I'm so sorry.

(Carol) Can you ever forgive me for the way I behaved?

(Roddy) Oh, of course I can.

-I love you.

-Oh, listen, -that was nothing.

-Oh, my darling.

I'm sorry.

(Roddy) I'll love you for the rest of my life.

-I'm terribly sorry.

-Can you ever forgive me for the way I behaved?

You know I would never want to leave you.

You mean more to me than anything -in this whole world.

-It's just the strain of the work, that's what it is.

-It's so mental.

-I'm mad for you.

(Carol) Absolutely right, my darling, and I love you and I'll never behave like this again.

I was just trying to make you jealous, my sweetheart.

(indistinct chatter) (laughter) (drill whirs) (hammer bangs) (laughter) (musical flourish) (applause) ♪ (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ ♪ And now back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(soft music) ♪ (squeaking) Nice day, huh, Walter?

(Tim) Oh yeah, nice day, Sarah.

I'm still rubber stamping.

(Tim) Great, Sarah, that's great.

(laughter) This stuff's really important.

I sure hope I get it all finished today.

Walter?

Walter?

What does he care?

What does anybody care?

(Tim) Help!

(laughter) Ah, hey!

Hey, Sarah, help me, Sarah.

Hey!

(bright music) ♪ For once in my life I have someone who needs me ♪ ♪ Someone I've needed so long ♪ Sarah?

(Vicki) ♪ For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me ♪ ♪ Somehow I know I'll be strong ♪ ♪ ♪ For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of ♪ ♪ Long before I knew ♪ (whistles) -Hey!

-♪ Someone warm like you ♪ (Tim) Huh?

(Vicki) ♪ Would make my dream come true ♪ (Tim) Call the fire department!

♪ (Vicki) ♪ For once in my life, I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪ ♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪ ♪ For once I have something I know won't desert me ♪ (zapping) (laughter) ♪ For once I can say this is mine, you can't take it ♪ ♪ As long as I know I have love I can make it ♪ ♪ For once in my life I have someone who needs me ♪♪ (laughter, applause) (dramatic music) ♪ (announcer) This is Morris Gibbons, in a portrait taken just before his heart attack.

This is his brother-in-law, Bosco Grubber.

Bosco's wife, Burlie Grubber.

Their son, Theo Grubber.

And his devoted wife, Virgina Grubber Gibbons.

The members of Morris's family all have one thing in common.

(laughter) Perhaps we shall soon find out what that one thing is.

♪ (doorbell chimes "Camptown Races") (laughter) I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Well, hello, brother dear.

(Harvey) Virgina, we heard the good news and rushed right over.

Congratulations, my dear.

(Carol) My dear brother, I'm afraid that your congratulations are premature, for, you see, my husband is still alive.

(laughter) (Tim) Well, that's a lousy break, Aunt Virgina.

(Harvey) I always told you not to marry him, but you just wouldn't listen.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

If we don't get that money, well, Papa here is gonna go bankrupt.

He's gotta die so we can get that money.

(laughter) (Harvey) How many times have I told you not to snivel when I'm thinkin'?

(slap) (laughter) -I'm sorry.

-Will you just get out of my way.

(laughter) (Tim) Did you see what they did to me?

(Vicki) Don't interrupt your mama while she's drinking.

(smack) (laughter) (Carol) Theo, why don't you go outside and play in the wheat thresher?

(laughter) (Tim) That's a good idea, Aunt Virgina.

(smack) (laughter) (Carol) Brother dear, has your shifty, crooked, devious mind come up with a solution?

(Harvey) Maybe the hospital made a mistake.

(Carol) It's no mistake.

If that husband of mine continues to take his heart medicine, he could outlive all of us.

(Harvey) Stubborn twit.

(laughter) (Carol) Don't worry, Bosco, for, you see, I have arranged to have Morris brought home into the arms of his lovin' wife.

Got it?

(laughter) (Harvey) You sure weren't behind the door when they passed out the rottenness, sister.

(Carol) Thank you, brother.

Well, I think it's disgustin'.

(Carol) You think what's disgustin', Burlie?

We're all out of brandy.

(laughter) He's comin', he's comin'.

I saw him.

It's Uncle Morris, he's comin', he's comin' up the drive.

He's in a wheelchair and everything.

He's comin', he's finally comin' home after being sick all these years.

He'll be in this very house.

He's comin', I tell ya, he's-- I saw him with my own eyes.

He's comin' up the drive.

He's just as pretty as-- there he is.

(laughter) (smack) (laughter) (Roddy) Jebson, put my heart medicine, for lack of which I will surely die, on the table over there.

(Harvey) Morris, I'm surprised to see you lookin' so well.

Then, I thought you were dead.

(gasps) (Vicki) Did you hear that?

Morris is dead?

I need a drink.

(laughter) (Roddy) Don't worry, Burlie, I am not dead.

(Vicki) This mean I don't get a drink?

(laughter) (Tim) I sure am glad to see you, Uncle Morris.

You look so great, you're so alive, and you got such good color and everything.

(Roddy) Eh, cut the nonsense, Theo.

Now you know you don't like me.

(Tim) Well, that's not true, Uncle Morris.

I like you 'cause you're the only one that doesn't hit me.

(smack, grunt) (laughter) (Harvey) Well, I think we oughta leave you two love birds alone.

We'll be outside if you need us.

(Carol) Well, Morris, darlin', it's so good to have you home, sweetheart.

Tell me, honey, how's the old ticker?

(laughter) Do you really care?

I mean, I was on the critical list for over a year and you didn't visit me once.

(Carol) Oh, honey, you know how travelin' makes me dizzy.

(Roddy) The hospital is just across the street.

The least you could have done is wave.

(Carol) Oh, five minutes and already you're nagging at me.

Oh, but what difference does it make, sweetheart?

It's all over now.

You are here and I am here and we are together.

And give me all your money.

(laughter) (Roddy) I will not give you or one member of your rotten family one red cent.

In fact, I am gonna cut you all right out of my will.

(Carol) Morris, are you supposed to be out of your wheelchair?

-Of course not.

-Surprise!

(laughter) (panting, gasping) (Roddy) My medicine, quick.

(grunting) Yuck.

(laughter) How come they can send a man to Nashville but they can't make a heart medicine that tastes good?

(laughter) (Carol) Oh, Morris.

Congratulations?

Not yet.

Get out.

Chitlins.

(laughter) (applause) Oh, he makes me laugh sometimes.

(laughter) Oh, Morris, why do you treat me like this?

I've always been a fun wife to you.

Naggin' maybe, and awful to you, but still fun.

(Roddy) Now, come on, you know you would like nothin' better than to see me six feet under.

(Carol) Why, light of my life, how could you say a thing like that to me?

You know I love you.

Come on, I'll race you up the stairs.

(laughter) The doctor said the least bit of excitement would surely kill me.

(Carol) The least bit of excitement would kill you?

Oh, darling, no.

Now who you gonna believe, sweetheart?

Some silly old doctor or your lovin' wife!

(shouts) (Roddy) My heart.

-Quick.

-What do you need?

-I don't understand you.

-My meds, my meds.

-My meds, med.

-Your med, your med?

(Roddy) My meds, on that-- on that table over there.

(Carol) Spit it out, honey, I don't understand a word.

What are you pointing at, darling?

-My meds.

-Your med?

I don't see no med around here.

(Roddy) Over there on that table.

(Carol) Oh, you're talking about this stuff here?

(Roddy) Yes, quick, give me my-- quick, quick.

(Carol) No, honey, I think this is for the plant.

(grunting) See?

(laughter) -There's another bottle.

-Where, darling?

-Upstairs.

-Upstairs?

Oh, honey, my feet are killing me.

I don't feel like walking all the way up them stairs.

Let me just rest for a little.

(Roddy) I know you ain't gonna get it for me.

(grunting) (dramatic music) ♪ (grunting continues) ♪ (thudding) (laughter) (applause) (grunting) ♪ Finally.

(grunting) (laughter) ♪ (thudding) (laughter) (doorbell chimes "Camptown Races") ♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪ (blows raspberry) (laughter) Come in, brother dear.

(Harvey) What happened?

We heard all that dying music.

(laughter) (Tim) He's gone!

There's his chair and it's vacant!

-He's gone!

-That's ridiculous.

He's lyin' right there on the floor.

-He's dead, Drunko.

-I know just how he feels.

(laughter) (Harvey) Hey, what about the money?

(Carol) Oh, his will is locked in the desk.

-Where's the key?

-On his person.

(laughter) (bickering) Will you stop that and give me that key?

I know he gave everything to me.

Now, will you get back?

Just get back, all of you greedy monsters.

Ha-ha-ha.

"I, Morris Gibbons, being of sound mind but weak heart, do hereby leave my entire estate to my... ...sometimes devoted but always looped sister-in-law Burlie Grubber."

(Vicki) Me?

Oh, yes!

I'm rich!

-Drinks for everybody.

-Just a minute!

"However, my fortune would then go to my avaricious brother-in-law, Bosco Grubber, in the event of her demise."

(Vicki) What's demise?

(gunshot) (laughter) Bye-bye, Burlie.

(laughter) "However, the money would then go to my equally disgusting nephew, Theo Grubber, in the event of Bosco's death."

(gunshot) (laughter) "However, the money would unfortunately go to my despicable wife, Virgina, in the event of little nephew Theo's death."

(laughter) You know what that means, don't you, Theo?

I'll get it.

(laughter) (gunshots) (laughter) Theo, split the difference.

(laughter) (gunshot) I can see, I can see!

(laughter, applause) "My entire fortune is locked in the wall safe.

And the combination is one to the right, two to the left, three to the right, and four to the left."

(gasps) (laughter) (explosion) (laughter) (Roddy) Ah, there.

(hums "Camptown Races") ♪ Doo-dah ♪♪ (musical flourish) (applause) ♪ We're gonna do for you now a mini musical starring one of the greatest stars of all time, the music of Mr. Cole Porter.

(bright music) ♪ ♪ In olden days a glimpse of stocking ♪ ♪ Was looked on as something shocking ♪ ♪ Now heaven knows ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ ♪ Good authors too who once knew better words ♪ ♪ Now only use four letter words writing prose ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ ♪ The world has gone mad today and good's bad today ♪ ♪ And black's white today and day's night today ♪ ♪ When most guys today that women prize today ♪ ♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪ (laughter) ♪ So though I'm not a great romancer ♪ ♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ -♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ (soft music) ♪ (Carol) ♪ The night is long, the skies are clear ♪ ♪ And if you want to go walking, dear ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely ♪ (Roddy) ♪ I understand the reason why ♪ ♪ You're sentimental, 'cause so am I ♪ ♪ It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely ♪ (group) ♪ You can tell at a glance ♪ ♪ What a swell night this is for romance ♪ ♪ You can hear dear Mother Nature murmuring low ♪ ♪ "Let yourself go!"

♪ (Carol) ♪ So please be sweet, my chickadee ♪ ♪ And when I kiss you, just say to me ♪ -♪ "It's delightful ♪ -♪ It's delicious ♪ -♪ It's delectable ♪ -♪ It's delirious ♪ -♪ It's dilemma ♪ -♪ It's delimit ♪ -♪ It's deluxe ♪ -♪ It's de-lovely ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ Why can't you behave ♪ (laughter) ♪ Oh, why can't you behave ♪ ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) (bright music) ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing continues) ♪ (laughter) (indistinct exclamation) (laughter) ♪ Love for sale ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) ♪ Appetizing young love for sale ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) ♪ Love that's fresh and still unspoiled ♪ ♪ Love that's only slightly soiled ♪ ♪ Love for sale ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) ♪ ♪ The dragonflies in the reeds do it ♪ ♪ Sentimental centipedes do it ♪ ♪ Let's do it ♪ ♪ Let's fall in love ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) ♪ (Vicki) ♪ Mosquitoes, heaven forbid, do it ♪ ♪ So does every katydid do it ♪ ♪ Let's do it ♪ ♪ Let's fall in love ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) (laughter) ♪ (Harvey) ♪ The most refined ladybugs do it ♪ ♪ When a gentleman calls ♪ (Vicki) ♪ Bugs in your rugs do it ♪ ♪ What's the use of moth balls ♪ (laughter) ♪ Locusts in trees do it ♪ ♪ Bees do it ♪ ♪ Even over-educated fleas do it ♪ (Vicki) ♪ Let's do it ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Let's fall in love ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ I hate men ♪ ♪ I can't abide them, even now and then ♪ ♪ Than ever marry one of them I'd rest a virgin rather ♪ ♪ For husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother ♪ ♪ Of course I'm awfully glad that mother had to marry father ♪ ♪ But I hate men ♪ (discordant fanfare trumpet playing, she shrieks) (laughter) (Harvey) ♪ If you want to try my wares ♪ ♪ Follow me and climb the stairs ♪ ♪ Love ♪ (laughs) ♪ For sale ♪ (laughter) (dramatic music) (discordant fanfare trumpet playing) ♪ (Vicki) ♪ I love the looks of you ♪ ♪ The lure of you ♪ ♪ I'd like to make a tour of you ♪ ♪ The eyes, the arms, the mouth of you ♪ ♪ The east, west, north, and the south of you ♪ (laughter) (Roddy) ♪ What say ♪ ♪ Let's be buddies ♪ ♪ ♪ What say ♪ ♪ Let's be pals ♪ (popping sound) ♪ What say ♪ (popping sound) ♪ Let's be buddies ♪ (popping sound) ♪ And keep up each others morale ♪ (laughter) (Vicki) ♪ I'd love to gain complete control of you ♪ ♪ And handle even the heart and soul of you ♪ ♪ So love, at least, a small percent of me, do ♪ (laughter) ♪ For I love all of you ♪ ♪ (Roddy) ♪ You do something to me ♪ (laughter) ♪ That nobody else can do ♪ (bright music) ♪ ♪ It was just one of those things ♪ (laughter) ♪ Just one of those crazy things ♪ ♪ A trip to the moon on gossamer wings ♪ ♪ Just one of those things ♪ ♪ (Roddy) ♪ So goodbye, dear, and, oh, amen ♪ ♪ Here's hoping we meet now and then ♪ ♪ It was great fun but it was just one of those things ♪ (musical flourish) (laughter) (whistles) (lively music) ♪ ♪ But I'm always true to you, darlin', in my fashion ♪ ♪ Yes, I'm always true to you, darling, in my way ♪ ♪ ♪ The world has gone mad today and good's bad today ♪ ♪ And black's white today and day's night today ♪ ♪ When most guys today that women prize today ♪ ♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪ (tense harpsichord music) ♪ (Carol) ♪ From this moment on, you for me, dear ♪ ♪ Only two for tea, dear ♪ ♪ From this moment on ♪ ♪ From this happy day, you and I, babe ♪ ♪ We'll be ridin' high, babe ♪ ♪ Every care is gone ♪ ♪ From this ♪ ♪ The world has gone mad today ♪ -♪ Moment ♪ -♪ And good has gone bad today ♪ ♪ On ♪ ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪ ♪ ♪ Anything goes ♪♪ ♪ (applause) Thank you, be sure and be with us next week.

And remember, pollution is very bad for us, so let's clean up our air, the sooner the better.

(soft music) ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪♪ Goodnight, thank you.

(theme music) (applause) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪ (bright music)