(lively music) ♪ (applauding) ♪ Thank you.

(applauding) Thank you, welcome, welcome.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to our show.

Hey, gang, tonight I gotta tell you before we get started, Tim is on vacation this week.

(crowd groaning) Well now, listen, it's not my fault, but the little man wanted to get away with a little lady, and you know, rekindle relationships, and anyway, our--we have, along with Peter Matz and-- oh, I've got strings all over-- Peter Matz and our marvelous orchestra, we have Harvey Korman, yes.

(applauding) Vicki Lawrence, yes.

(applauding) And our special guests are Tony Randall and Dick Van Dyke.

(applauding) Let's turn up the lights, see if you have anything to say before we get going with the show.

-Yes?

-Yes, um, what do you think Margo's gonna do now that she knows Anne is gonna have Paul's child?

Wasn't that something today?

Phoebe had to open her big mouth, right?

We're talking about All My Children.

Who watches All My Children?

-Did ya see it today?

-No, I missed it.

Well, I'll tell ya what, listen.

Anne told her mother Phoebe that she was going to have a baby and that it was Paul's child, well, Phoebe was so tickled about that, but Phoebe had to go and tell Margo.

That has wigged Margo out completely.

I think Margo is gonna get a gun.

Don't you think so?

It's headed that way.

I think she's gonna go after Anne now because Margo was pretending that she was going to have a baby, she was gonna buy a baby and tell Paul it was hers.

Now how that's gonna work out, I don't know.

They are all bananas on that.

Oh, I gotta tell you, too, I'm gonna go back to New York, uh, in February when we finish taping, and, ha, I'm gonna do a walk-on on All My Children.

(applauding) I--I've never done a soap opera, but I've never been hooked on a soap opera before, but I am on this one, so I'm trying to figure out what should I do.

Maybe I should go into the boutique as--as--as Stella Toddler, you know?

Walk in and go, "Ya got any puka beads?"

(laughing) We'll see-- any other questions?

-Yes?

-I'd like to know have you, uh-- or do you remember when you were a little girl, did you always want to be a star?

-Did you ever have any dreams--?

-Well, first of all, I can't remember that far back when I was a little girl.

Uh, no, I wanted to be an artist.

I wanted to draw, do cartoons, and then I wanted to have my own comic strip and draw that and do that.

I didn't really wanna be, um, an "actress," or whatever you wanna call it, until I was about 18, which was, uh, nine years ago.

(chuckling) I went to lunch the other day, believe it or not, and a lady came up to me and she said, "Could I have your autograph?"

I said, "Certainly," and her name was Patrice.

P-A-T-R-I-C-E, Patrice.

So I sign "Patrice" and I-- oops, more strings-- and I sign "Patrice," and I put "XXX," you know, kisses and stuff, "Carol Burnett."

Sitting down having lunch and she's over in the corner somewhere.

20 minutes later she comes over and she says, "Uh, what is this?"

And I said, "Well, the Xs are little kisses."

Cute, cute stuff, you know?

She goes, "No, under that," and I said, "That's my signature."

And she said, "Well, honey."

She says, "How am I gonna let anybody know that's you?

I can't read it--would you write it again please?"

(chuckling) So I printed it.

(laughing) Okay, we got a big show for you tonight, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applauding) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's the Carol Burnett Show.

(lively music) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

♪ Vicki Lawrence.

♪ And Tim Conway.

♪ (dramatic music) (Carol) Get out of my life, you animal!

(Arnold) All right, I'm going!

I'm going!

But let me--ahh!

Let me tell you something, you witch.

You've made my life miserable and I'm gonna get even with you -if it's the last thing I do!

-Oh really, Arnold?

Well, you will never get even with me, and do you know why you will never get even with me?

-Hm?

-It's because you don't have the two things it takes to get even with me, Arnold: Brains and guts!

(shattering) Why, you!

(screaming) (indistinct yelling) (applauding) -Who are you?

-Hi, I'm Smiley Rogers, your Global Encyclopedia salesman, and I'm here to enrich your life.

(Arnold) Get out of my way, you jerk!

(thudding) (chuckling) From Missouri you say, huh?

Let me get my briefcase and-- (giggling) -Hi, I'm Smiley Rogers-- -Wait a minute.

What did you say you were again?

(Smiley) "Hi, I'm Smiley Rogers, your Global Encyclopedia salesman."

(Arnold) Oh, you couldn't have come at a better time.

-Really?

-I can't think of anything in the world that would reward me as much as having my wife while away a few hours with an encyclopedia salesman.

(Smiley) You mean she might really buy something?

(Arnold) Oh, I think so, I think she should have it.

I mean, do her a lot of good, don't you?

Hey, but I gotta warn you about something.

-She's no pushover.

-Yeah?

-She'll try to get rid of you.

-Yeah.

(Arnold) But you know how to be persistent, don't you?

(Smiley) Persistent, yeah, I think so, yeah.

(Arnold) Yeah, now I want you to listen.

You gotta be persistent with her.

Tell her every single little detail -about all those books, okay?

-Okay.

(Arnold) And don't take no for an answer.

-No, I won't.

-Okay.

I gotta run now, but I'll call her.

-Okay.

-Yeah--sweetheart!

Lambikins, there's someone here to see you.

(laughing) (Carol) I don't wanna see anybody!

And don't you--!

And don't you call me "lambikins"!

And don't you ever call me anything again--!

Who are you?

(Smiley) "Hi, I'm Smiley Rogers, your Global Encyclopedia salesman.

-I'm here to enrich your life."

-I don't want my life enriched!

(thudding) Where is my husband?

I am going to kill him!

-Hey, you, you, come here.

-You're from Missouri--huh?

(Carol) Come here.

-Have you seen my husband?

-Tall, good-looking guy?

(Carol) No.

An awful, rotten, sticking, no good worm of a man!

(Smiley) Yeah, uh, that was the guy, he, uh--he left.

That's not the worst idea in the world either.

(Carol) No, wait, wait, please don't go, please.

-Why am I taking it out on you?

-I don't know.

(Carol) You seem like a very nice man.

-I am.

-You're probably a family man, -aren't you?

-Yes.

-Yes, nice, sweet, considerate.

-Yes, mhm, trustworthy.

-Yes, I understand.

-Oh yeah, yes.

(Carol) Well, what can I do for you?

(Smiley) Uh, Missouri, hi, Smiley Rogers, life.

Where is the--?

Uh, let me show you what I, as your encyclopedia salesman, can do for you.

Oh, just a minute.

Here.

(chuckling) (exhaling) It has a terrible hole in it.

(laughing) (indistinct remarks) (exhaling) I can give you the world.

(laughing and clapping) (Carol) "I can give you the world," is that what you said?

-Mhm-- -Is that what you said, "I can give you the world"?

That's what Arnold said when he proposed!

(laughing) (thudding) (applauding and laughing) (Smiley) Well, I'll be running along.

I'll tell you what to do, if you change your mind, you call me, I'll just leave you one of our little balloons here.

(Carol) No, wait, wait, please, please, don't leave me alone.

-Uh-huh.

-I'm dangerous -when I'm left alone.

-Hm, hm.

(Carol) Please, please, stay with me.

Please, I'll do anything you want.

Tell me about your book, just don't leave me alone.

-Oh, please.

-Oh, tell you about my-- -my book.

-Yes.

(Smiley) Uh, just a minute, here we are.

Global Encyclopedia.

(groaning) How about the aardvark?

Did you know that the aardvark is a nocturnal animal?

-That's wonderful.

-Isn't that something?

(Smiley) And the armadillo, yes, the armadillo is an edible little creature.

-That's exciting.

-Yeah.

And we're--I'm not even up to the Bs yet.

(chuckling) Listen to this: Steven Babcock, he invented the butterfat test.

(Carol) I didn't know that.

(Smiley) Would you like to hear anything more?

(Carol) No, no.

I'm going to do it.

(Smiley) Oh, gosh, that's wonderful.

(Carol) I'm going to kill myself.

(Smiley) Is that with a K?

(chuckling) Lady, don't jump, please!

-Oh, lady, don't jump!

-Oh, why shouldn't I jump?

(Smiley) Oh, uh.

(thudding) (laughing) (Carol) Well, I asked you, "Why shouldn't I jump?"

Why aren't you telling me why I shouldn't jump?

(Smiley) Well, uh, think of all the good times you've had.

(Carol) Good times, ha, I'll show you some good times.

You wanna see some good times, mister?

How about this?

You see this?

This is a--a picture of our Hawaiian vacation.

-Now you see Arnold there?

-Uh-huh.

(Carol) Is he looking at me?

No, he's looking at some lady in a bikini.

So much for your good times.

(chuckling) I'm going to end it all, I tell you.

I never should've married that man in the first place.

(Smiley) You know, we have a saying about that down at Global.

"If you don't like sore knuckles, don't knock on--on the door."

(chuckling) -That's right.

-You like it?

(Carol) That's absolutely profound.

After all, I married him because I loved him, and I knew he wasn't a saint then, but I loved him, and I still love him.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I wanna kiss you for that.

Thank you.

(thudding) -Darling, I've been such a fool!

-Arnold!

(Arnold) Darling, I'm lost without you, can you ever forgive me?

(Carol) Oh, darling, darling, no, I'm the fool, sweetheart.

No, and it took him to make me see the light.

-Who?

-Him.

(thudding) You mean the encyclopedia salesman -saved our marriage?

-Yes, isn't it romantic?

(Arnold) Oh, darling, the least we can do is help him.

-Help.

-Help him what?

-Oh, I understand.

-Hi, Smiley Rogers.

(Arnold) I know, Smiley.

You've been so good to us, Smiley, that we're gonna buy your most expensive set.

(laughing) (Smiley) You mean the $65 job with the hard cover?

-You got it, pal.

-Holy mackerel.

-There you are.

-All I'll need on here is just--thank you-- your signature and 8--$8 down-- you'll be so happy.

(Arnold) Okay, I'll just sign right here.

Darling, give him the $8, would ya?

Well, sweetheart, I need all the cash that I have because I'm going to the hairdressers this afternoon.

Why don't you give him the--the--?

(Arnold) Darling, I need all the cash I have.

You know perfectly well I'm playing poker with the guys tonight.

(Carol) Playing poker with the guys tonight?

(Arnold) That's right.

(Carol) You always play poker with the guys.

(laughing) All you think about is playing poker with the guys.

(Arnold) Do you know why I'd rather do that than stay home and listen to your big mouth all night?

(Carol) Well, how does that sound to you?

(overlapping remarks) I'll just leave you one of our little balloons here.

(Arnold) Get out of here!

(lively music) (applauding) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic, divine, suave, and adorable Mr. Tony Randall.

(applauding) (dreamy music) Ladies and gentlemen, lend me your ears.

Permit me, dear friends, to unveil this tawdry but titillating, indecent, indelicate, loose, and lascivious tale.

(peppy music) ♪ ♪ She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was nice ♪ ♪ She was fair, she was sweet 17 ♪ ♪ He was old, he was vile, and no stranger to vice ♪ ♪ He was base, he was bad, he was mean ♪ ♪ He had slyly inveigled her up to his flat ♪ ♪ To view his collection of stamps ♪ ♪ And he said as he hastened to put out the cat ♪ ♪ The wine, his cigar, and the lamps ♪ ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ You really have nothing to fear ♪ ♪ I'm not trying to tempt you, that wouldn't be right ♪ ♪ You shouldn't drink spirits at this time of night ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ It's so very much nicer than beer ♪ ♪ I don't care for sherry, one cannot drink stout ♪ ♪ And port is a wine I can well do without ♪ ♪ It's simply a case of chacun a son gout ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm aware of the wiles of the snake in the grass ♪ ♪ The fate of the maiden who topes ♪ ♪ She lowered her standards by raising her glass ♪ ♪ Her courage, her eyes, and his hopes ♪ ♪ She sipped it, she drank it, she drained it, she did ♪ ♪ He quietly refilled it again ♪ ♪ And he said as he secretly carved one more notch ♪ ♪ On the butt of his gold-handled cane ♪ ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ I've got a small cask of it here ♪ ♪ And once it's been opened, you know it won't keep ♪ ♪ Do finish it up, it will help you to sleep ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ It's really an excellent year ♪ ♪ Now if it were gin, you'd be wrong to say yes ♪ ♪ The evil gin does would be hard to assess ♪ ♪ Besides it's inclined to affect me prowess ♪ ♪ Have some Madeira, m'dear ♪ ♪ ♪ Then there flashed through her mind ♪ ♪ What her mother had said ♪ ♪ With her antepenultimate breath ♪ ♪ "Oh, my child, should you look on the wine which is red ♪ ♪ Be prepared for a fate worse than death" ♪ ♪ She let go her glass with a shrill little cry ♪ ♪ "Oh!"

Crash, tinkle, it fell to the floor ♪ ♪ When he asked, "What in heaven?"

♪ ♪ She made no reply, up her mind ♪ ♪ And a dash for the door ♪ ♪ "Have some Madeira, m'dear" ♪ ♪ Cried out down the hall loud and clear ♪ ♪ A tremulous cry that was filled with despair ♪ ♪ As she paused to take breath in the cool midnight air ♪ ♪ "Have some Madeira, m'dear" ♪ ♪ The words seemed to ring in her ear ♪ ♪ Until the next morning, she woke up in bed ♪ ♪ With a smile on her lips ♪ ♪ And an ache in her head ♪ ♪ And appeared in her ear that ticked and said ♪ ♪ "Have some Madeira, m'dear" ♪ (laughing) ♪ (applauding) (pleasant music) ♪ (tapping) (Dick) Oh, come on, will you stop it?

You're gonna ruin our whole Hawaiian vacation because of a lousy 10 bucks.

(Tony) I don't enjoy losing 10 bucks of my hard-earned money, I don't care where we are.

You know that is dumb?

-I mean, that is really dumb.

-Why?

Because you spent all the money to come all the way over here, now it's going to waste because you lost a 10-- -10 bucks.

-If it was your money, you'd--you'd cut your throat.

(Dick) It would not mean that to me.

It would if it was your 10 bucks.

(Dick) All right, my friend, I am going to show you something.

-What's that, 10 bucks, right?

-Yes.

(Dick) 10 bucks of my hard-earned money.

Watch.

-What are you doing?

-Just watch what I'm doing.

-What are you--?

-See that?

$10 of my money up in smoke.

Now that doesn't bother me in the least.

(Tony) I gotta hand it to you.

You really aren't-- There's my 10 bucks.

(laughing) I remember, I put it in here yesterday so I wouldn't lose it when we were playing miniature golf.

Now I can enjoy Hawaii.

Come on, let's go play some pool.

(laughing) (Dick) How about giving me the 10 bucks?

(chuckling) -What for?

-What?

I just burned $10.

(Tony) Well, if you wanna burn up money, -that's your problem.

-My friend, I did it for you.

(Tony) Thank you, now let's go before all the tables are gone.

-Come on.

-Not going anywhere.

-What's wrong with you?

-I am out $10, that's what's wrong with me.

(Tony) Didn't you just tell me that 10 bucks doesn't mean anything?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Well, now I'm telling you.

(Dick) Wait a minute, wait a minute, that is much, much different.

I didn't do something stupid with the money, like lose it.

No, you did something smart, like set fire to it.

(laughing) (Dick) All I know is you were out 10 bucks and suddenly I'm out 10 bucks.

(Tony) All right, you're making such a big stink over a lousy 10 bucks.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll split the difference with you, I'll give you $5.

-5?

-Yes.

Okay, okay.

(Tony) Hey, change for the 10, bartender?

-Yeah?

-Can you break this -into 5s for me, please?

-Sure.

(clicking) (Dick) Fair.

(bartender) Here ya go, 5, 10, 15, 20.

(laughing) (Tony) Here's your 5.

(laughing and applauding) -Hey?

-Hm?

Where's the rest of my money?

(Tony) What?

-Where's the rest of my money?

-I gave you 5!

(Dick) Yeah, but you got 15.

-It was my 10.

-No, no, no, it was my 10.

(Tony) No, here's your 10.

(Dick) Will you never mind that 10?

The bartender gave you $20, that 15 and that 5.

(Tony) You were the one who was just saying that money doesn't mean anything.

(Dick) It didn't then, it does now, you owe me 5 bucks.

(Tony) Do you realize what you're doing?

You're ruining our entire vacation here in Hawaii because of your obsession with money.

I want another 5.

(chuckling) (Tony) All right.

I don't--I don't-- If I give ya another 5, will--will ya forget all about this and we'll-- -we'll have a good time?

-You put another fiver down on that bar, I'll never mention money to you again ever, believe me.

(Tony) I don't know why I'm doing this.

Anything to keep you happy.

All right, are we friends now?

-We're gonna have a good time?

-Right, money.

-All right, -Hey, gee, I'm sorry, I gave ya $10 too much before.

(chuckling) (laughing) (Dick) Give me $5.

-Let me go.

-Give me $5.

-It's my money!

-No, it is not your money, -it is my money!

-Flowers.

Flowers for your lady.

Help the poor.

(Tony) Here's what we'll do.

We'll give the money to somebody who really needs it, okay?

(Dick) Okay, okay, I'll buy that.

All right.

-Here you are, my good woman.

-Hey, hold--hold--hold on, wait a minute, why do you always have to be the big man?

I mean, I should be giving her 5 bucks of that money, you know.

(Tony) All right, give her the whole thing.

(Dick) All right, I will.

Come here, my dear.

This is for you, my dear.

May it make your life a little more full in these terrible, troublesome times.

(woman) Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you, my boy, you're a wonderful man.

God bless you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Bless you, too, my dear.

-Bless you, sir.

-You too.

-Bless you.

-You're happy now?

-Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.

There's nothing quite so rewarding as generosity, do you know that?

You know what I wanna do, I wanna continue that generosity, I'm gonna buy you a drink, my friend.

-Well.

-Bartender.

-Two more of the same.

-Right.

(gasping) (Dick) She took my wallet-- she took my--she took my watch!

Thief, stop, thief!

(laughing and applauding) (clicking) (bartender) Hey, hey, will ya look at that?

Ya got a double star on your receipt.

Both those drinks are on the house.

(clicking) (chuckling) (laughing) Cheers.

(applauding) (lively music) (upbeat music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of the Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (lively music) And now back for the second half of the Carol Burnett Show.

♪ Uh, Dick's gonna do a number now, but I wanted to tell ya something that I'm very thrilled about for him.

He's going to have his own variety show this fall on NBC.

(applauding) And if anybody ever deserved to have his own variety show more, it's Mr. Dick Van Dyke.

(applauding) (triumphant music) (tapping) Students, may I have your attention, please?

Now first, You put your two knees close up tight.

You all have two knees?

(chuckling) You sway them to the left, and then you sway them to the right.

Now you step around the floor kind of nice and light, and then you twist around and you twist around with all of your might.

You stretch your level arms right out in space, and then you do the eagle rock with a smile and grace.

You swing your foot way 'round, and then you bring it back.

And that is what I call "Balling the Jack."

-Oh.

-Professor.

-Yes?

-I can't figure out those drawings, do you think you could demonstrate for us?

(Dick) I thought you'd never ask.

(chuckling) (laughing) ♪ (chuckling) ♪ ♪ First you put your two knees close up tight ♪ (dancers) ♪ First you put your two knees close up tight ♪ (Dick) ♪ Then ya sway 'em to the left ♪ ♪ And you you sway 'em to the right ♪ (dancers) ♪ Sway 'em left and sway 'em right ♪ (Dick) ♪ Swim below the waves kind of nice and light ♪ -♪ Then ya twist around ♪ -♪ Twist ♪ -♪ Twist around ♪ -♪ Twist ♪ (all) ♪ With all of your might ♪ (Dick) ♪ Stretch your level arms straight out in space ♪ ♪ Then do the eagle walk with a smile and grace ♪ ♪ Swing your foot way 'round, then bring it back ♪ -♪ We're ready to try ♪ -♪ What I call ♪ (all) ♪ "Balling the Jack" ♪ ♪ (tapping) ♪ (all) ♪ Stretch your level arms in space ♪ ♪ Do the eagle walk with style and grace ♪ ♪ Swing your foot, then bring it back ♪ (Dick) ♪ That's what I call ♪ (tapping) (dancers) ♪ That's what I call ♪ (tapping) (all) ♪ That's what I call ♪ ♪ "Balling" ♪ ♪ "Balling the Jack" ♪ (applauding) (pleasant music) -Bye!

-Bye, it was so terrific!

-Bye!

-Drive carefully.

-Goodnight, Marian.

-Bye!

Wow, what a party!

Wow, what an absolutely terrific, stupendous, marvelous-- (laughing) Disgusting, rotten, stinking party.

(chuckling) Okay, what'd I do wrong?

(Tony) This!

-What?

-This is what you did wrong!

(chuckling) (Barbara) What is this?

(Tony) This is our secret signal for "change the subject."

-Oh, yes, yes.

-Oh, you remember?

-Yes.

-You also remember that when we were first married, when we'd go out with other people, we'd-- there were certain things we wanted to talk about we didn't want -other people to know about.

-Yes.

(Tony) So we devised a method of communication.

-Yes.

-But the method -didn't always work, did it?

-No, no.

(Tony) Like the time you were telling the Polish joke -to that Polish man.

-I didn't know he was Polish.

(Tony) I know you didn't, so I nudged you under the table.

And what did you say?

(Barbara) I said, uh, "Why are you nudging me under the table?"

Yes, Ms. Bridget.

So then I devised an absolutely fool-proof system of signals, and one of the signals is "change the subject."

Now what's the system, what's the signal -for "change the subject"?

-Uh, the-- I--don't tell--um, "da-da"--no.

Uh, don't--don't tell me, I know what it--it's a-- -It's this, okay, it's this.

-Yes!

Well, if you remember it, why didn't you remember it -at the party?

-Well, I-- (Tony) I was trying to stop you from telling that woman that Dr. McCardle's having an affair with another woman who is trash.

(Barbara) Well, what difference does it make?

I wasn't telling it to Mrs. McCardle.

(Tony) No, you were telling it to the other woman.

(laughing) -Why didn't you stop me?

-I tried to!

I almost broke my nose!

(Barbara) Well, I just didn't notice I guess.

All right, I guess I had one too many.

(Tony) You guess you had one too many?

Why'd you think I kept doing this all evening?

(Barbara) Oh.

(Tony) Well, I wasn't doing this, and this.

Or have you forgotten what this means?

(Barbara) No, I know exactly what this means.

This means I had better close the door because this is going to turn into a screamer.

(Tony) That's right, I'm glad you're so--so thoughtful about our neighbors, too bad you weren't as thoughtful about our guests, or did you think it was thoughtful to jump up every five minutes -and turn on the radio?

-I turned on the radio because you kept doing this.

Now isn't this our signal for "turn on the radio"?

I was doing this because I had a headache.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

(Tony) I tried to, I kept doing this all evening long.

(laughing) That's our headache signal.

(chuckling) I didn't notice.

Well, everyone else did.

(laughing) (upbeat music) Turn off that radio, I have a headache!

(chuckling) -And another thing, Barbara.

-Now just a minute, just a minute, just a minute!

You have been coming onto me very, very strongly.

Now let me tell you something: I was giving you some signals tonight that were completely ignored.

-What?

-Or have you forgotten what... ...this means, huh?

(Tony) No, I know that this means "stop paying so much attention -to Big Mary Quinlan."

-Mhm.

(laughing) Then why didn't you stop paying so much attention to Big Mary Quinlan?

(Tony) Because Big Mary Quinlan knows what the signal means!

(laughing) You told Big Mary Quinlan?

(Tony) No, you did!

Why didn't you stop me?

(Tony) I tried to, I was doing this, but you were so busy doing this.

-Oh!

-Don't you tell me to shut up!

(laughing) (clapping) (Barbara) I'm not telling you to shut up.

(Tony) Yes, you were, you did this.

-That's our "shut up" signal.

-I did this because I felt sorry about Big Mary Quinlan!

(Tony) If you felt sorry, why didn't you do the "sorry" signal?

(laughing) But you did this because you want me to shut up.

You always want me to shut up.

(Barbara) All right, all right, have it your way!

There, there!

I am saying it and I am glad!

(scoffing) (Tony) Well, in that case.

(gasping) (scoffing) I guess you never thought you'd hear me use language like that, uh?

(laughing) (Barbara) Oh, I didn't, but two can play at that game.

Ah, ah.

(laughing) (Tony) Oh, oh, oh, no.

(laughing) No, don't you dare!

Oh, stop it, stop it!

-Stop it, Barbara, stop it!

-What is this?

All of a sudden you're talking, you're not using signals anymore.

What's the matter, did the cat get your body?

(laughing) (Tony) I don't feel like using signals anymore.

I wanna talk.

-Do you mean that?

-Yes, I'm sorry for what I said.

-I love you.

-Oh, sweetheart, I love you too.

Say, I have a terrific idea.

Why don't I just wait and clean all this up tomorrow, and you and I can go to bed, huh?

Not tonight.

He has a headache.

(laughing and applauding) (lively music) ♪ Hey, tonight we're gonna do a mini-musical built around the lyrics of Mr. Ira Gershwin.

(peppy music) (Dick) Girl of the Moment, scene 4, page 15, take 1.

(clacking) (Harvey) Quiet!

Quiet!

-Lights!

-Lights!

-Camera!

-Camera!

(Harvey) Action!

(triumphant music) ♪ (Tony) ♪ Oh, girl of the moment with the smile of the day ♪ ♪ And the charm of the week and the grace of the month ♪ ♪ And the looks of the year, oh, girl of the moment ♪ ♪ You're my moment every moment of the time ♪ ♪ Oh, girl of the moment with the light in your eyes ♪ ♪ And the sun in your hair and the rose in your cheeks ♪ ♪ And the laugh in your voice, oh, girl of the moment ♪ ♪ You're my moment ♪ ♪ Every time ♪ (vocalizing) (Harvey) Cut, print it!

Take me down.

(chuckling) That was fantastic, marvelous.

It was marvelous, my darlings, fantastic as usual.

Your public will adore you, wonderful!

Wardrobe, makeup!

(Dick) Wardrobe, makeup!

(Harvey) Bring on the staircase, boys.

(Dick) Yeah, yeah, yep.

♪ (Carol) ♪ I am just a little girl ♪ ♪ Who's looking for a little more ♪ ♪ Who's looking for a girl to love ♪ (Dick) ♪ Somewhere there's a someone who's the someone for me ♪ ♪ Someday there will come one and my lover she will be ♪ (Harvey) Stand-ins.

-Where are--?

-Stand-ins.

(Harvey) Where--where--where-- where are my stand-ins?

Uh, you fired 'em all yesterday, sir.

But how can I stage a scene without my stand-ins?

Hey, uh, you, you, you will--you will do.

Okay, yeah, you.

And you, would you please help me?

-What?

-Yes, come over here, this way, please--get her a script, she'll need a script.

Get rid of this smock, take this away, please.

Thank you-- up the stairs, my dear.

Get rid of this smock-- for goodness' sakes, I need some help around here!

All right, got the script here, my dear, turn to page 48.

48, I want you to get that and I want you to write down all the directions I give you, mark 'em in the script.

-Yes, sir.

-All right, are you ready?

-Yes, sir.

-Getting angry with you.

All right, this is rolling on rehearsal, music.

(pleasant music) (Dick) Hm.

Love walked right in and drove the shadows away.

-Turn to her.

-Turn to her.

(chuckling) Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day.

(Harvey) Gesture with your right hand.

Please, you're not a traffic cop!

Gently.

-One.

-All right, the girl, please, -down the step.

-Magic moment.

(Harvey) But slowly, slowly.

(Dick) And my heart seemed to know.

Better write that down.

(stammering) (Harvey) Wink, wink at him.

-That's it.

-My love said hello, -though not a word was spoken.

-Take--take her hand.

(Dick) Take her hand.

(Dick and Carol) One look and I forgot the gloom of the past.

(Harvey) Now look at each other.

-One-- -Darling, please, -you cannot wink at yourself.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Thank you.

-One look and I had found my future at last.

(Harvey) All right, open up, darling, and turn to him.

No, you're turning the wrong way.

All right, back up, as long as you're there.

Back up, it'll work, it'll work.

(Dick and Carol) One look and I had found a world completely new.

(Harvey) Now separate, please, look at each other, now pull her towards you.

(Dick and Carol) When love walked in with you.

(Harvey) That's nice, closer, and closer, and closer, and closer.

Get ready for the big smooch.

And cut!

Very nice, all right.

Now we will try it with the talent.

Have you got that, my darlings?

-So much to remember.

-I know, my sweetheart, but you see these two people when they're standing off camera and they will also do the motions, and you watch them if you get into trouble.

All right, my darling, let's go.

We are going to shoot this, please!

♪ Oh, here's my crane.

Okay, it's Girl of the Moment, scene 5, page 48, take 1!

(clacking) Quiet!

(chuckling) Lights.

-Camer-- -Lights!

Oh, you're too late!

(laughing) I'll do it myself.

It won't be working out much longer, buddy.

(laughing) -Ready, sir?

-All right, settle down!

Camera, and action!

(pleasant music) ♪ ♪ Love walked right in ♪ ♪ And drove the shadows away ♪ ♪ Love walked right in ♪ ♪ And brought my sunniest day ♪ ♪ One magic moment ♪ ♪ And my heart seemed to know ♪ ♪ That love said, "Hello" ♪ ♪ Though not a word was spoken ♪ (Tony and Vicki) ♪ One look and I forgot the gloom of the past ♪ ♪ One look and I had found my future at last ♪ ♪ One look ♪ ♪ And I had found a world completely new ♪ ♪ When love walked in ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ (Harvey) Cut, print it!

Take me down.

It was fantastic, fantastic.

Gorgeous, my darlings, you were fantastic as usual.

Ah, you're so good, and you are enchanting, my darling.

Now you go to your dressing room.

I'll be there in a few minutes to explain the next scene to you.

All right, break!

-That's a break.

-Oh, wait a minute, except you two, would you kids come here?

Would you like to help me?

I would like to rehearse the love duet.

Do you think you can handle that?

-Yeah, I'm sorry about before.

-You forgot lights and camera, that's all right, that's all right, I won't keep a grudge, all right.

Come on, the bench, please, we want to do the love duet.

My darling, would you sit over there, please?

And you, ah, you'll sit right here.

What, now, uh, snuggle up close together.

Take hands, hm.

Oh, by the way, have you met?

-No.

-No, we haven't.

-Well, you-- -How do you do?

(Harvey) All right, this is just a rehearsal.

Music, please, let's try it.

(elegant music) (Dick) I've got a crush on you.

You've got a crush on me?

No, you have a-- Listen, I don't-- you have a crush on her.

Don't have a crush on-- I'm not that kind of fella.

(Dick) Oh.

(laughing) (Harvey) Just a little joke, all right.

Let's take it again--music.

(soft piano music) (Dick) I've got a crush on you.

(Harvey) All right, da--darling, please.

You're looking at me, please look at him.

He's got a crush on you, look at him.

Once more.

(Dick) I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie.

(Harvey) Hold it, please, stop the music.

This hands business is not working.

Um.

(chuckling) I'll tell you what, liberate the hands, turn away from her, look puzzled.

You don't know whether you like this chick or not.

All right, um--all right, now turn to her, -now turn to her.

-Mhm.

(Harvey) Discover her face, look at him.

Take your finger, put it under her chin like that, and regard her-- oh, I like that, I like that.

Okay, music.

(elegant music) -Tickle, tickle, tickle.

-I've got a crush on you.

-Now pinch her cheek.

-Sweetie pie.

(Harvey) Good, good, good, now you do the same thing to him.

-Uh, all the day and night-- -Tickle, tickle, tickle.

-Tickle, tickle--hear me sigh.

-Pinch, pinch, wonderful.

Now get your heads together.

-I never had-- -Darling, please, don't hide in his neck, don't make peek-a-boo with me, please, I have to see you.

-That I could fall with.

-Now you're covering him up, -please, stay open.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

(Harvey) All right, now cheeks together.

-So much emotion.

-I love it, I love it.

-Now on his lap.

-Oh.

Uh, could you coo?

(Harvey) Uh, rub noses.

No, no, no, no.

(laughing) No, no, like this, like the Eskimos.

(Carol) Yes, yes, okay.

(Harvey) Okay, now bounce her.

-Could you care?

-Bounce her on your knee.

(Dick) For a cunning cottage-- (Harvey) Gently, gently, please.

-We could share?

-All right, now faces closer together.

(Carol and Dick) The world will pardon my mush.

-Closer now -'Cause I've got a crush.

(Harvey) Yeah, now kiss-- kiss her right eye.

-Ow.

-Darling, close your eye first.

-Yes, I'm sorry.

-Rupture an eyeball, please be careful.

All right now--now-- yes, go ahead.

(Carol and Dick) My baby, on you.

(Harvey) Now kiss the left eye.

That's it, closer, now kiss his nose.

Kiss her forehead.

His cheek, her chin, his neck, her ear!

And now on the lips!

All right, cut!

Oh, that's good.

Have you got that?

Good, let's shoot it in five minutes.

I'm such a genius.

(laughing) (clapping) (Carol) We'd better write all this down.

(Dick) Yeah, I guess we'd better.

(quirky music) (Carol) The genius, now what did he say?

He said to tickle, tickle.

(overlapping remarks) (Dick) My finger under your chin.

♪ ♪ I could cry salty tears ♪ (Dick) ♪ Where have I been all these years ♪ (Dick and Carol) ♪ Listen, you, tell me do ♪ ♪ How long has this been going on ♪ ♪ ♪ It's a funny thing ♪ ♪ I look at you ♪ ♪ I get a thrill ♪ ♪ I never knew ♪ ♪ Isn't it a pity ♪ ♪ We never met before ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ Here we are at last ♪ ♪ It's like a dream ♪ ♪ The two of us ♪ ♪ A perfect team ♪ ♪ Isn't it a pity ♪ ♪ We never, never met ♪ ♪ Before ♪ (upbeat music) -♪ Let the drums roll out ♪ -♪ It's wonderful ♪ -♪ Let the trumpet call ♪ -♪ Marvelous ♪ -♪ While the people shout ♪ -♪ You should care for me ♪ (Carol) ♪ "Strike up the band" ♪ -♪ Hear the cymbals ring ♪ -♪ Soon ♪ -♪ The lonely nights ♪ -♪ Calling one and all ♪ -♪ Will be ended ♪ -♪ Do the marshal swing ♪ -♪ Soon, two hearts as one ♪ -♪ Strike up the band ♪ (Carol) ♪ We'll be blended ♪ (both) ♪ The day you're mine this world will be in two ♪ ♪ Let's make that day come soon ♪ (lively music) ♪ ♪ Love walked right in ♪ ♪ And drove the shadows away ♪ ♪ Love walked right in ♪ ♪ And brought my sunniest day ♪ (Carol and Dick) ♪ One look and I had found ♪ ♪ A world completely new ♪ ♪ When love walked in ♪ ♪ With you ♪ (chuckling) (applauding) That's very amusing.

(laughing) Wait, wait.

What have we here?

Say, you've got that certain indefinable something: It.

You'll be my next co-star.

(romantic music) ♪ ♪ Don't be a naughty baby ♪ ♪ Come to papa, come to papa, do ♪ ♪ My sweet embraceable you ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ Long ago and far away ♪ ♪ I dreamed a dream one day ♪ ♪ And now that dream is here beside me ♪ ♪ Just one look ♪ ♪ And then I knew ♪ ♪ That all I longed for ♪ ♪ Long ago ♪ ♪ Was you ♪ (Tony) Silly, silly child.

(pleasant music) (Dick) ♪ I got plenty of nothing ♪ -How true.

-♪ And nothing's plenty ♪ ♪ For me ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ For me ♪ ♪ Forevermore ♪ (Harvey) All right, that's a wrap!

(Carol) ♪ A happy ending starts ♪ (Carol and Dick) ♪ What a lovely world this world would be ♪ ♪ With a world of love in store ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ For me ♪ ♪ Forevermore ♪ (Harvey) Settle down, everyone!

♪ (Dick) Uh, Girl in the Moment, scene 6, page 65, take 1.

(clacking) (Harvey) Quiet!

-Quiet!

-Quiet!

-Yeah, quiet.

-Yeah, yeah, light your lights.

-Lights!

-Lights, camera.

-Camera.

-Camera, yeah, yeah.

Action!

(upbeat music) ♪ (Tony) ♪ I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie ♪ (Vicki) ♪ All the day and night time hear me sigh ♪ (Tony) ♪ The world will pardon my mush ♪ (Tony and Vicki) ♪ 'Cause I've got a crush ♪ ♪ My baby ♪ ♪ On you ♪ ♪ (applauding) ♪ ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes a time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight, thank you.

(applauding) (lively music) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your announcer speaking.

♪ (bright music)