[ Thunder rumbling ] I know that this time Lady Luck is on my side.

I really will break the bank.

PETER: You're a damn loser, Algie!

You always were, and you always will be!

[ Breathing heavily ] Oh!

And enjoy the rest of the weekend.

-Psst!

-[ Clears throat ] Somehow I don't think you'll get very far without this.

It's unbelievable.

God, it's absolutely unbelievable.

Shh!

Don't be so rude.

PETER: I hate the lot of you!

Please.

Clarissa.

Mother!

Ah!

Take him away quick.

ALGIE: My roulette system is foolproof.

If only you'd given me one last chance.

[ Laughter ] PROTHEROE: Think you can handle a Tiger Moth?

CLARISSA: Yes, Sergeant.

PETER: I say, Clarissa!

CLARISSA: Sorry, Peter.

We're made for each other.

Known it for yonks.

Bye, Mummy darling.

WOMAN: Bye!

TINKER: They're very good, aren't they?

CLARISSA: It's got to happen to you, even though you are my own brother.

Fabulous.

-[ Laughter ] -It's getting dark.

It's getting dark!

[ Laughter ] We'll fly by night.

We'll fly by night!

[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] MAN: It was deliberate!

It doesn't matter, darling.

You were both stunning.

-Oh, thanks.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.

They are fabulous.

What are they?

They're 18th-century political satires by James Gillray.

"La Belle Assemblée."

Tink, haven't seen this one before.

"The Reception of the Diplomatique."

1792.

Look at those colors, hey?

I know this one.

"Fashionable Contrasts."

Well, what are those two supposed to be doing?

Those feet are reputed to be the feet of the Duchess of York.

-Eh?

-And?

History repeating itself, Eric?

Eh?

"More Pigs than Teats."

Eric, this is right up your street.

Mm?

What's that supposed to mean?

-[ Chuckles ] -Well, well, well.

Good old Lovejoy.

Feel at home, do we?

Once a divvy... Never mind the performance.

Never mind us poor amateurs acting our hearts out.

Just come straight in and have a good rummage 'round the set, why don't you?

Anything else you fancy?

Oh, how about the armor?

I don't see the "sold" sticker on that piece.

It was fiberglass.

You were out of this world, Janey.

What's that supposed to mean?

You only caught the last five minutes.

That's because I was out getting your desk.

Anyway, grace and talent can be spotted in five seconds.

[ Chuckles ] And I loved it.

But I don't think you should have gone off with that copper.

I think you should have married Peter.

I liked Peter.

[ Laughter ] So does the copper.

Jane, Sarah Bernhardt could not have performed it better.

Oh, thank you, Tinker.

Was she the one in "Mad Max"?

"Caligula: The Musical."

The time's perfect for it.

Excuse me.

Aha!

The pros.

I can tell.

You've got that look about you.

Here.

This is Bernie, our director.

Bernie, this is Lovejoy.

-Hi.

-Eric and Tinker.

Pleased to meet you all.

You know, you were the only people out there tonight with opera glasses and flowers.

Only pros have them.

I'm right, aren't I?

Sorry to disappoint you, Bernie, but these are friends of mine.

Oh, I see.

But I thought it was ace.

I loved every minute of it.

Oh, thank you very much.

Last time I saw something like that was on a troopship going out to Durban.

But I was saying to Lady Jane that I don't think she should have gone off with that copper at the end.

Where'd you get these prints from, Bernie?

Lovejoy!

I must admit, I'm not really into the theater myself, but I don't mind taking the props back.

Especially if they're Gillrays.

And especially if, with any luck -- well, it's not really luck, it's called professional acumen -- I'll be carrying them out again within 10 minutes.

The bit in between is called "doing the deal."

And then the alchemy begins, transmuting these things into serious money.

-[ Car door closes ] -Come on, Janey.

Uh, would you like us to make you an offer, Mr. Murphy?

[ Scottish accent ] We'll talk about a price later.

Um, where did they come from, Mr. Murphy?

Oh, they didn't come from anywhere.

Been in the family for ages.

I think my grandfather got them somewhere.

I like this one.

The diplomat.

I could have been a diplomat once.

If I'd stuck it.

But you chose this career instead, eh?

Oh, he could fairly hit 'em on the head could old... Gillray.

-Gillrie.

-Gillray.

Do you have anything else that's old around here, Mr. Murphy?

Uh, do you mean as in antique?

Or decrepit?

As in the former.

Well, nothing at the moment, but I could see... Annie's coming to look at the rolltop desk.

Murphy, do you want to give us a price?

-150.

-For the lot?

-Each.

-Oh, no.

That's 750.

Smart boy.

Smarter than the rest.

I was thinking more like 500.

700.

We take plastic.

We accept all major credit cards.

[ Chickens clucking ] [ Beeping ] [ Printer whirring ] Uh, I was thinking cash.

650's my bottom line.

How about 600?

1,500 quid for the lot, Howard?!

No, no, no, no, no.

I reckon this print "Diplomatique" is worth 1,500 on its own.

Yeah, I know there's a recession on, Howard.

Listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get a member of my staff to wrap 'em up and send them down to you on Red Star so you can have a look at them.

How's that sound?

Good.

Talk to you later.

Get a member of staff to wrap 'em up and send them down to London, eh?

Well, let me just tell you something, Lovejoy.

This member of staff isn't a member of your staff.

And while I'm on the subject, I've just schlepped all the way to Ipswich to a shop that was shut.

Well, "shut" -- It was bloody derelict!

I mean, when did you last go there?!

You know, you're very lovely when you're angry.

Eh?

Oh, finally got the desk, I see, Lovejoy.

What, you don't think we'd let you down, do you, Mrs. Brodie?

What do you think, Janey?

Do you think Bill will like it?

I never know what to get him for his birthday.

His idea of a good present is an unusual pig.

[ Chuckles ] Well, it's a lovely piece of furniture.

It's got tons of space.

And to be quite honest, at £1,800 it's not overpriced.

Uh, Janey?

It's 2,000.

Now, what's 200 between friends?

Nothing, as long as I get commission on 2,000.

Where did you say it came from?

From a doctor's family in Ipswich.

Yes, and apparently Gladstone used to use it whenever he went over to visit them.

You know me.

I only want pieces with a true provenance.

Now, they are nice.

Are these the ones you mentioned?

-Who are they by?

-Oh, they're by -- James Gillray, an 18th-century caricaturist.

But actually they're on their way to London, Mrs. Brodie.

Oh, what a pity.

I rather like them.

Look at this one of the pigs.

Bill would love that.

"More Pigs than Teats."

[ Laughs ] Story of his life, poor man.

These are supposed to be members of the establishment sucking the state dry, actually.

-Is that a fact?

-Yeah.

Pity.

They'd look nice in his study.

Would go well with that wallpaper, wouldn't you say, Janey?

I'm sure there's a way around it, Mrs. Brodie.

They don't come cheap, though, you know?

I mean, a nice round figure for the set of five would be... [ Inhales sharply ] ...two grand.

That is very round, Lovejoy.

Very round indeed.

But then again, I suppose it will only go on tax if I don't buy something with it.

-LOVEJOY: [ Chuckles ] -Oh, look at this one.

"The Duchess's little Shoe Yeilding to the Magnitude of the Duke's Foot."

-LOVEJOY: Ooh.

-[ Laughs ] Bit rude, isn't it?

I like them.

I'll take the lot.

When can you deliver everything?

Eric?

About 10:00ish tomorrow morning.

And I suppose you want me to gift-wrap the desk, do you?

Oh!

That would be nice.

Pink ribbon and a few balloons?

That would be nice.

Right.

You should have seen this place when we moved in.

Bill's family were real peasants.

They'd been living here for 300 years and I don't think they'd given it a coat of paint once in all that time.

There was so much damp in the parlor -- sorry, lounge -- even the furniture had got athlete's foot.

-[ Chuckles ] -[ Chuckles ] Oh, that looks fantastic.

He'll love that.

Perhaps I should hide inside it wearing something thin, like one of those exploding birthday cakes.

Then again, knowing me, I'd probably get cramp or something.

Now, the pictures.

[ Pigs grunting ] JANE: Eric, could you offer the feet up over by the door here?

Lovejoy, come and have a look.

Try it over on the big wall over there.

Eric, try two up there side by side.

-Eh?

-That's an idea.

Take the other one down first, though.

ERIC: [ Sighs ] LOVEJOY: [ Clears throat ] Eric.

You could try them either side of the mirror, you know?

Bit high up, do you not think?

ERIC: Hello?

Yes, that's lovely.

I'd like them there.

-Could you hang them?

-Right!

Bill!

This is Lovejoy and Eric.

Janey you already know.

This is my husband.

He is the most successful pig breeder in the whole of Essex.

Bill Brodie.

Not Brodies Bacon and Bangers?

Oh, I know 'em well!

'Cause my dad used to be a butcher.

Sold nothing else.

'Cause that's how I nearly became a vegetarian, you know?

'Cause, I mean, all that dead flesh around you when -- Eric, just go and get your toolbox, will you?

-Sorry.

-LOVEJOY: Thank you, Eric.

Um, I'm sorry but you can't go in there until tomorrow morning.

Unless you want to spoil a surprise, that is.

[ Whispering ] You really smell.

Do you know that?

It's not a smell, it's a discretionary fragrance.

Comes from working with pigs.

Oh, hello.

What have we got here?

Ah.

Political satires by Gillray.

All around 1790.

Satires, eh?

Well, that's a new one.

It's getting to be a bit like a museum around here.

We'll be needing a catalog soon.

Not exactly my field of expertise.

Ah!

Although this one could be.

"'More Pigs than Teats,' or the new Litter of hungry Grunters, sucking John-Bull's-old-Sow to death."

Now, she'd be either a Black Berkshire or a Large White.

But who are all these fellas?

Oh, members of the establishment sucking the state dry.

BILL: Hmm!

Nothing new under the sun, is there?

Well, they sound expensive.

How much are they?

They were... Two grand for the set of five.

Really?

They are genuine, I take it?

Darling!

BILL: Even I have been known to buy a pig in a poke from time to time.

Pig in a poke.

[ Laughs ] LOVEJOY: No, they're genuine, Bill.

And I don't think you have to worry about Gillray losing his value, if that's what you mean.

Oh!

[ Glass breaks ] Looks like one of them just did.

[ Chuckles ] Excuse us, eh?

-ERIC: Ow!

-Eric, you stupid, clumsy... Me foot went down the back of the sofa!

Watch it!

It's stuck!

Ow!

Ooh!

Oh, look at that.

I thought they were only supposed to be printed on one side.

What, something on the other side?

Mm.

"Black-Dick turn'd Taylor."

Dated 1788.

And 1787 on this side.

Well, Bill, seems there's a discrepancy over dates in the House of Gillray.

There you go.

You see?

They're duff!

Wouldn't be the first time we've had dodgy antiques around here.

Oh, no, they're not duff.

But you might be getting two for the price of one.

Now we couldn't have that, could we?

The feeling's mutual, Lovejoy.

Think we need a second opinion.

Oh, and I'm terribly sorry about the mess.

But Eric, being one of the finest restorers in the known world... Will stay behind and restore this room to its previous pristine condition.

-Won't you, Eric?

-Course he will.

-Course he will.

-Ha.

Course I will.

Do you think you've been ripped off?

Well, not knowingly, no.

But I'd like Howard to take a look at them.

Fancy a spot of lunch in London, madam?

Thank you, chauffeur.

"Finest restorer in the known world."

"Restore it to its original pristine condition."

Yeah, well, one of these days I'm gonna show 'em.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ] [ Whirring stops ] [ Whistles ] [ Door opens ] [ Door closes ] [ Vacuum cleaner whirring ] -How are you getting on?

-Oh, fine!

Fine!

Nearly restored to its former glory!

[ Laughs ] Oh.

Is this it?

No!

I told you what it looked like.

Are you sure it was a man?

Tinker, I think I can identify the bits that stick out.

Oh, and there was a number on the bottom -- 6942.

By the way, where were you yesterday when I was lugging furniture about on me own?

I was at the chiropodist.

-Chiropodist?

-Yes, having my lumps done.

Present from the British army.

The sergeant says, "If I say those boots fit, those boots fit!"

Hey.

Is that it?

That's it!

That is it!

[ Laughs ] That's what was in the black bin liner.

And it's nicked, and that's why it was under the sofa.

I knew it all along.

Ha!

What do you think the reward is?

17th-century Venetian.

Possibly a Bacchus.

Must be quite substantial.

They wouldn't have taken a quarter-page out in the Gazette otherwise.

I'd say 1,000 to 2,000, wouldn't you?

2,000 reward!

Oh, yes!

That'll do me!

Hang on.

Jane decorated the Brodie house almost from top to bottom.

Before you start grassing anybody up, you better have a talk with Lovejoy.

HOWARD: You see this one?

Wouski.

She's a character from an opera by Colman called "Inkle and Yarico."

This is Prince William Henry.

He was in the navy.

This one is supposed to be the origin of that joke about doing it standing up in a hammock.

I bet it wasn't funny then, either.

[ Laughs ] [ Clears throat ] Yes, well.

The plates are certainly by Gillray, but they're all from what's called the Bohn Edition.

They're from the original plates, but they're not first editions.

And how were we to know that?

Well, there's quite a simple test.

You look for Bohn's plate number which he had engraved himself right here in the top corner.

These numbers never appear in the originals, but if the frame or the mount covers the number, you'll never spot it.

See?

You can still read it.

"311."

[ Clicks tongue ] Some dealers rub them out with fine sandpaper, but then the paint soaks in slightly darker.

How much would you say for them, then?

Well, they're nicely colored, but, uh, if you paid more than 400, you were robbed.

Shh.

Tell you what.

I'll give 150 for the Duchess of York's feet.

Pub on the corner's always asking me for one.

Oh, thank you, Howard, but I already have a buyer.

I was merely seeking a second opinion.

MAN: I'm sorry, but there's nobody here at the moment, but if you'd like to leave your message, name, and number after the tone, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

[ Beep ] Um, hello.

I'm ringing about the, um, stolen Bacchus in last month's Gazette.

Uh [Clears throat] I might have seen it.

Um, the one I saw had the number 6942 on the bottom.

And I believe there's a reward.

Um...

So, anyway, my number is 0787, uh, 376623.

And, uh... Oh!

No!

Uh -- Sh-- Oh!

Sugar!

Damn!

JANE: Do you know what day it is today?

It's not your birthday.

Is it?

It's my wedding anniversary.

Listen to this.

It's rather touching.

"Far be the noise of kings and crowns from us, whose gentle souls our kinder fates have steer'd another way.

Free as the forest birds we'll pair together, Without rememb'ring who our fathers were... and in soft murmurs interchange our souls."

Isn't that beautiful, Lovejoy?

Mm.

-[ Horn honks ] -Lovejoy?

-LOVEJOY: Hmm?

-[ Horns honking ] -Lovejoy!

-Hmm?

-The lights are green.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

[ Doorbell rings ] JANE: Can you get it, Lovejoy?

LOVEJOY: Yeah!

[ Sighs ] -Ooh!

Cor!

-[ Doorbell ringing ] [ Inhales sharply ] Whew!

Why is it that people who live in big houses never keep the central heating on?

Oh, oh, oh.

It's Mc-- Mc-- Mc-- Mc--, uh...

Inspector McDonald.

Inspector McDonald.

Excuse me, Inspector McDonald.

-Come for breakfast, have you?

-No, thank you, Lovejoy.

No?

Finest English breakfast tea out of the finest Derby china?

Low-fat milk, essential if you want to keep that fabulous figure of yours, Inspector.

No, thanks.

No?

So you haven't come for breakfast?

No.

Yesterday we registered a call from the Felsham estate.

Now, where were you yesterday, Lovejoy?

Yesterday he was in London.

All day.

With me.

-Good morning, Inspector.

-Good morning, Lady Felsham.

Coffee, Inspector?

ERIC: Oh, hello.

Uh, I'm ringing about the stolen Bacchus in last month's Gazette.

Um, I think I might have seen it.

Um, the one I saw had the number 6942 on the bottom, and, uh, I believe there's a reward.

Um... Well, my number is, uh, 0787 376623.

So, um... Ah!

Oh!

No!

Uh...Ah!

So, what have you got to say about that?

I think you'll agree that I'm more of a baritone than a tenor and my accent's a little less rural.

And also, in tracing that call back here, haven't you infringed Lady Felsham's... -Civil liberties.

-Civil liberties, yes.

I work for the police force, not Amnesty International.

And if you've got this thing or you know anything about it, um, it would be in your own interests to hand it over or to tell me about it.

I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

But what does interest me is, why the cattle-prod treatment about some Bacchus with a number stamped on its bum?

Oh, dear.

And I thought that we could handle this amicably.

Handle what?

That's a search warrant, sworn by a magistrate in Chelmsford this morning, and it authorizes me to search the premises for stolen property.

This is for Felsham Interiors, not here.

It's all right, Lady Felsham.

I do know where it is.

She was expecting Chippendale, and a bunch of half-naked men turned up.

[ Laughs ] ERIC: [ Laughing ] Doing a little freelance bounty hunting, are we, Eric?

JANE: The police got a call from my phone about a stolen Bacchus.

Well, I can explain, Jane.

I can explain everything.

[ Imitating Eric ] I believe there's a reward.

My number is 0787 37... [ Imitating Eric ] 6623.

Ah!

Ooh!

No!

Um... Yeah, but... [ Stammers ] [ Groans ] [ Normal voice ] What's the matter, Eric?

Don't you want to share the secret with us?

Aren't we friends?

I tried to phone you, but you were off to London as if it was closing down.

I'm sorry I phoned.

[ Normal voice] So where is this famous stolen Bacchus?

Under your bed?

Well, it's under the sofa at Brodie's house, actually.

-What?

-What?

[ Pigs grunting ] Jane.

Lovejoy.

Bill.

Got to wean them off their mother sometime.

Now's as good a time as any.

Oh, aren't they pretty?

All pink and soft.

Great future they've got, you know?

They're a sausage with a leg at each corner.

Not a vegetarian, are you?

Well, I'm a sort of a pseudo vegetarian.

What does that mean?

I only eat animals that eat vegetables.

[ Sighs ] So, what brings you up here?

We were looking for Annie.

Thought you might know where she is.

Knowing Annie, she's probably out buying something.

You ever seen this before?

No, never.

Eric says it's under your sofa in a black-plastic bin liner.

Well, what was your man doing poking around underneath my sofa?

You'll be telling me what's in the drawers next!

Actually, he was clearing up the glass from the broken picture.

Right, right.

Well, there's only one way to find out what this is about.

It's Venetian.

17th century.

And the number on the base looks like a catalog number.

Yeah, could have come out of a museum.

Feetfirst.

[ Sighs ] Well, I've never seen it before in my life.

-How much is it worth?

-Between 15 and 20 grand.

Between 15 and 20 gra-- Well, then, it's definitely stolen!

Right.

That's it!

This is all I need!

I don't mind Annie buying a few bits and pieces for the farm, but I draw the line at having a house full of stolen property!

The desk is all right, is it?

I mean, it didn't happen to fall off the back of a furniture lorry by any chance, did it?

Now, hang on a minute, Bill.

I hope you're not implying -- I'm not implying anything at all.

We won't talk about it until it's sorted, right?

I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation for it.

Yes, well, we'll just have to find out, won't we?

[ Car engine idles, turns off ] Excuse me a minute, will you?

[ Door opens, closes ] I don't think he's handling it very well.

Well, what would you tell your spouse if you just found 20 grand's worth of nicked gear stuffed under your sofa?

JANE: [ Clears throat ] I don't believe you did this, Annie.

Come on.

In here.

Tell them.

Go on.

Tell them what you told me.

Hello, Lovejoy, Janey.

-Annie.

-Annie.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

I really do apologize about the police turning up and all that.

Tell them.

Come on.

Tell them why you stuck it under the sofa.

I saw the same picture in the Gazette last month.

I didn't know what to do.

I suppose I thought that if I stuck it under the sofa it would somehow go away.

Why didn't you phone the number for the reward?

I didn't want to get involved with any of that.

I just wanted to forget about it.

Would you tell us how much you paid for it?

600.

And would you tell us who you bought it from?

A man called Rollo.

Rollo.

Well?

Come on, Lovejoy.

Play the game.

It's not a game, Rollo.

How much did you sell it to Mrs. Brodie for?

600 quid.

600 quid?

It's worth 30 times that much.

I was bloody lucky to get 600.

This thing is megabent gear, Lovejoy.

If the Old Bill had found that when they turned my place over, I wouldn't be on remand.

I'd be doing 10 in Dartmoor.

So why is it so hot?

You mean you don't know?

Lovejoy, this thing is hotter than the Chicken Chernobyl down the local curry house.

Why?

You remember an exhibition of bronze sculpture sponsored by the Italian government in Cambridge last year?

Yeah.

Well, most of the stuff was on loan from all over the world.

Here.

You remember Rachel?

Rachel?

You know who I mean.

Long black hair.

-Tattoo of King Kong on her bum.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, she goes to the exhibition with a skinful of high-octane lager, picks it up and walks out with it.

Just like that!

Just like that?

Never read anything about it.

Well, you wouldn't, would you?

It was all hushed up.

Big press blackout.

Red faces up in Cambridge like baboons' asses, I can tell you.

Local Old Bill's been walking around like they got fleas ever since.

So she flogged it to you, eh?

Flogged it?

You're joking.

She forced it on me, she did.

She's always forcing things on people.

She's like that.

Forced, it was!

Why did she force it on you?

Well, she got frightened when she found out who it was on loan from.

So, who was it on loan from?

A woman.

What woman?

Well, she's got a lovely collection of jewelry.

Big house in London.

Husband's Greek.

And she's just started to pay her own taxes.

-The queen?!

-The queen?!

Oh, God, it belongs to the queen?!

This is terrible.

This is absolutely awful.

If ever this gets out, we're finished, we're done for.

Just about does it.

That's all we need.

If there's ever one whisper of this, he will never get his knighthood for services to the pig industry.

This is the end.

I'm sorry, Bill.

Why, oh, why did I buy the damn thing?

I don't even like it.

Do you want to tell them, or shall I?

Tell us what?

Well... [ Sighs ] Because of security, no one's supposed to know about this, outside a very small circle.

Know about what?

Next week at the piggery we're playing host to some very important people -- the lord lieutenant, lots of top brass, the ministry people, and...

Yes, you've got it.

Can you imagine it?

"Yes, Your Majesty.

This is my prize boar.

It's just on its way to Canada.

Oh, and by the way, do you remember that bronze Bacchus that used to stand on the mantelpiece at the palace?

Well, it doesn't belong to you anymore.

Yes, perhaps you'd like to speak to my ex-wife about it before they cart her off to Holloway Prison!"

I've said I'm sorry, Bill.

Anyone can make a mistake.

I think you're exaggerating, Bill.

We won't say a word.

We promise.

Exaggerating?

But you're a titled lady.

You must know how touchy they all are about being associated with anything even remotely criminal!

Even a whisper about this, and we can kiss this visit goodbye!

In fact, I can stick my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye.

Bill!

You are overreacting.

Nobody even knows the damn thing's here but us.

What would you do, Lovejoy, if it was yours?

I'd probably go for the reward.

There's bound to be a couple of grand floating around somewhere.

Oh, then I tell you what -- Why don't you return it for us?

Hold on, hold on.

An inspector woman's been sniffing around.

She's sure I've got it stashed away somewhere.

There must be something we can do, Lovejoy.

Yeah.

I think there's a solution that benefits everyone.

-Go on.

-The Gillray prints.

But you took them away because you said there was something iffy about them.

There's nothing iffy about them.

They're just 150 years old, not 200 years old.

Give me two-and-a-half grand for them.

But you said they were two grand!

-Bill, let him finish.

-Thank you, Annie.

For two-and-a-half grand, you get the prints, I return the Bacchus to its rightful owner.

Two and a half.

I don't know.

Bill, two and a half is fine, and then we're rid of it.

All right.

As long as I never see or hear about it again!

Lovejoy, Janey.

Um, here's a Brodies ham for you.

-Thanks very much.

-Oh, thank you, Annie.

It was made by Alfredo Zampa from Venice in 1620 and was part of war booty from a captured French frigate in the Battle of the Nile.

If you put a shade on it, it'd make a nice lamp, I suppose.

No, what is really interesting about it is it was dropped overboard as it was being carried ashore at Chatham, and it took 10 tides to rediscover it from the Thames mud.

Queen Charlotte, who was married to George III, was present at the recovery operation when it was brought to the surface.

It was presented to her by the ship's captain.

It's been with the Royal Collection ever since.

And now they want it back.

I declare this think tank open.

Any suggestions?

We could just post it.

Oh, don't be daft!

I can't see why we can't just put it in a padded envelope and post it!

Oh, don't be daft.

-What about the reward money?

-That's covered.

Just got to find a way of getting it back to the palace.

[ Sighs ] Haven't you come up with anything yet?

Well, I said we should just post it.

Eric, that is a brilliant idea.

Why didn't you think of that?

Oh, excuse me.

Why don't we take a vote on it?

All those in favor of posting it.

Post it.

One bronze Bacchus, recorded delivery from Chelmsford.

On your bike, Eric.

Hold on a minute.

Why me?

Your idea.

[ Engine idling ] Ah, could you tell me the way to the main post office, please, mate?

About 500 yards down here on your left.

Sorry, mate.

I can't hear you.

-On your left about 500 yards.

-Oi!

Hey!

Hey!

Somebody's nicked the Harley?

Well, I think that solves everyone's problem.

TINK: [ Snoring ] Well, we don't have to return you know what to you know who.

Never mind you know who's you know what.

I've had my bike nicked.

Well, thanks a bunch, Lovejoy.

Selfish git!

Now, look, this is my number.

Now, if you see or hear anything, give us a bell, yeah?

-Will do.

-Cheers.

I'd like to report the theft of my Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Oi!

Not on the desk.

You'd like to report the theft of your motorcycle?

Yes.

Won't take a second.

Now, let me see.

[ Clears throat ] I think we've got some forms somewhere.

Quite a popular pastime in some districts -- What's this doing here?

-- driving off with other people's property.

Man in Thuxton lost his horse recently.

Turned up in Paris.

In three different butchers' shops.

[ Laughs ] Listen, would you like me to come back tomorrow?

No, no.

Want to start at the beginning?

Ah.

Here we are.

Name, telephone number, and address.

-Got a pen?

-[ Sighs ] Eric Catchpole.

Catchpole.

-Eric.

-Eric.

-0787... -0787... ERIC: ...37 6623.

Now, haven't I heard that voice somewhere before?

Who, me?

ERIC: Well, my number is, uh, 0787 376623.

So, um... Ah!

Oh!

No!

Uh...Ah!

No, but, You see... No, no, that's not me.

I don't sound anything like that.

Oh, don't be silly.

Of course it's you.

Now, come on, Eric.

Where did you see this Bacchus thing?

What Bacchus?

Please, Eric, don't waste my time.

Where did you see it?

Are you arresting me or what?

Well, right now we're still at the "or what" stage, but you've got about another 10 minutes.

All right, all right.

I thought I saw it, but I was mistaken.

But, Eric, you gave us the number that was on the base of the statue.

But that number, that's just a coincidence.

No, the number was correct.

But the one I saw wasn't a Bacchus.

Then who was it?

Pan.

He was holding pipes, not fruit.

Pipes.

Pan is the patron saint of plumbers, you know?

Oh, so it's just an open-and-shut case of getting your deities mixed up, eh, Eric?

That's right.

Why were you going to Chelmsford?

I told you.

'Cause I was going to the post office.

But, you see, there's a perfectly good post office just around the corner.

Now, why didn't you go there?

Because I'd heard it was quicker from Chelmsford.

You could get it straight on the train to London.

And what were you sending to London that you couldn't send from here?

Perishables.

Uh, microwave meals.

Shepherd's pie.

Uh, you know, for the TV appeal.

Ohh!

Oh, leave it.

I'll get the rope.

Papa Zulu Mike to E.P.

Over.

We've recovered the stolen Harley on the B184.

The owner's a man called Catchpole.

If you want to give him a call, the tow-truck boys will deliver it.

Ugly old bats, aren't they?

-And to think they used to be... -[ Telephone rings ] ...the cream of 18th-century London society.

Yeah, look a bit off to me.

It's the police.

Hello?

Oh, yes, that's right.

Oh, you've recovered the Harley-Davidson and you can have it delivered here?

-How much?

-For how much?

The breakdown people want 30 quid.

Ask them if it's still in one piece.

The lad'll kill himself if anything's happened to it.

Is it still in one pie-- The front mudguard is slightly damaged, but the tools and the parcel are still in the saddlebag.

They haven't even nicked the Bacchus?

Even thieves are useless these days.

All right.

Tell them to bring it 'round.

-Here we go.

-Oh, thanks.

-Here, you still got my pen?

-Oh, yeah!

They found your bike an' all.

Right.

Ah!

Have they?

Well, where is it?!

How is it?!

I mean, those beggars haven't totally totaled it, have they?

Ohh.

No, not at all.

They didn't even steal your tools.

Even your parcel's still in the pannier bag.

Oh, what a relief!

Well, we'd better go and see if those shepherd's pies are still worth sending, hadn't we?

Sergeant!

Where's the bike now?

Is it in the yard?

No, they've taken it to Lady Felsham's estate.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

You know, Tink...

Seems a shame to let all this good reward money go begging.

I mean, this thing turning up like this, it's -- it's an omen.

-You mean a sign, man.

-Mm.

Lovejoy, you gave your word you'd send it back, no questions asked.

Mr. and Mrs. Brodie have already paid you once.

Nothing in the deal that says I can't pick up an extra couple of grand, though, is there?

In fact, I'd be a schmuck not to.

-Good afternoon.

-Hello, Jane.

Oh, no!

I thought we'd seen the back of that.

What's it doing here?

Eric didn't quite make it, Janey.

He was set upon by bicycle thieves on his way to Chelmsford.

Oh, I'm in a terrible hurry.

I was supposed to be at the Wiltons' at 3:00.

Oh, give it here.

I'll get rid of it once and for all.

Now, where's that smoked ham?

Oh, yes, very appropriate.

See you tomorrow.

By the way, Bill Brodie wants you to hang the pigs print up at his office in the piggeries.

Dress smartish.

You never know who you might bump into.

Bye.

Well... Easy come, easy go.

[ Engine turns over ] Oh, my baby!

My baby!

What have they done to you?!

Where have they hurt you?

You see what happens when you separate a lad and his Harley, Inspector?

What can we do for you, by the way?

I have reason to believe that somewhere here there is a 17th-century bronze Bacchus, which is the lawful property of Her Majesty the Queen.

And I intend to search these premises until I find it.

Well, must be nice to have your bike back, eh, Eric?

-Oh, fantastic.

-You owe me 30 quid.

Right.

Eh?!

[ Pigs squealing ] Hang on, hang on.

What's going on here?

Get in there and look inside.

Don't just kneel there.

Get in and check it out!

Lovely.

Lovejoy, did you, uh, manage to get rid of it?

After one false start, it should be safely on its way to the palace by now.

May I say how elegant you look, Annie?

That's very kind of you.

You'd better hurry up.

They're going to be here in a couple of minutes and we have to be presented.

Oh, we are very grateful to you, Lovejoy.

I couldn't have had Bill miss this for anything.

If it's not too much to ask, what are you two doing here?

At Mr. Brodie's request, hanging a picture -- Officer, I presume?

-Yes, it is.

-[ Hammering ] And I'll hang you if you're not out right away.

You're not supposed to be here.

You haven't been cleared.

Come on.

Out.

Well, this is no good, Lovejoy.

It's plasterboard.

We'll have the whole lot down.

Oi, cloth ears.

You've got 20 seconds, then outside that door.

-Right?

-Right.

Right.

Right.

Can't we stick around, Lovejoy?

I've never seen the queen before.

We'll be stuck to that wall if Godzilla comes back and finds us here.

Don't be a spoilsport, Lovejoy.

It'd be something to tell my grandchildren, wouldn't it?

[ Cheers and applause ] No, it's... Eric, will you get down from there?

No, but I haven't finished yet, have I?!

Well, I have.

I'm going.

I'm going.

What?!

Oh.

Not a sound.

Not a squeak.

Not a fart.

Otherwise, you are parrot food.

Understood?

Good.

Yes, ma'am, we're exporting to Canada and, more recently, France.

And we've been getting a lot of inquiries from the Far East, particularly Japan.

Perhaps you'd like to step this way, ma'am, please.

Ah, there you are.

Your friend McDonald's working the crowd.

Hello, Alistair.

Stand by, all units.

Okay, go!

Go!

Ah!

Do you mind if I have a look in the bag, Major?

Um, go ahead.

Help yourself.

Thank you.

It's a gift to the lord lieutenant.

Absolutely loves a bit of ham with his free-range eggs.

Ohh.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Thank you, boys.

Much obliged.

Thank you.

Inspector.

Seen Eric anywhere?

Nearly over, Annie.

Keep smiling.

[ Cheering ] Well, am I glad that's over.

If I ever have another day like that, I'm gonna have it shot and stuffed.

Come on.

I need a drink.

Come on!

Anyone fancy a drink?

Step inside.

Ladies.

Do you like working with pigs?

Janey, so tell me, what did you do with it?

Alistair took me to dinner last night, so I gave it to him, and he said he'd give it to one of the ladies-in-waiting that he knows.

We have been given something which is too valuable for money to buy.

And it's not even antique.

I just had to have it framed.

Want to guess what it is?

-An income-tax rebate?

-[ Chuckles ] "The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by Her Majesty to invite Mr. And Mrs. William Brodie to a garden party at Buckingham Palace on Thursday the ninth of July."

-Bravo!

-Isn't that something?

But then I expect you get them all of the time.

Not all the time.

[ Snoring ] Oh, there you are, Eric!

Hmm?

Hmm?

Is she here, then?

Ah!

She's been and gone.

ERIC: Oh, no!

[ Laughter ]