(slow guitar plays) - Today I'd like to celebrate my glorious hometown, Cleveland.

(rock music plays) The Ohio of my youth offered a unique tourist draw, - [Narrator] 41 industries discharging directly into the Cuyahoga.

An smelly off-color brew, raw sewage, chocolate brown.

They bring oil, it oozes rather than flows.

- [Andy] Water so pristine, this is the name of the city's football team.

An artisanal cocktail of industrial waste and human goo.

The Cuyahoga river suddenly burst into flames.

But the people of Cleveland took this episode of aquatic combustion in stride.

Covering it on page 11 C of the local newspaper.

Why were Clevelanders so blasé about a phenomena that usually only happens to rivers in hell?

(screams) Maybe because the Cuyahoga had caught on fire before.

12 times before.

- [Tim] I know that wasn't the best fire, I remember a '52 fire.

I think that one probably would've won the prize for the best fire.

(cheers) - [Andy] Cleaveland finally had what every city dreams of.

A brand.

♪ Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks ♪ But while Clevlanders celebrated their sizzling river's newfound stardom.

A radical environmentalist was plotting to rain on Cleveland's flaming parade.

- Each of us, all across this great land, has a stake in maintaining and improving, environmental quality.

Clean air and clean water.

Clean air and clean water.

- [Andy] Richard M Nixon, the founder of a shadowy group of eco-extremists.

- The government's new environmental protection agency, comes into being tomorrow.

- [Andy] The EPA.

The implacable dick Nixon, was determined that history would remember him for just one thing.

Clean water.

EPA goons fanned out across the Cuyahoga, cruelly draining it's precious oil and sewage.

And replacing them with an infestation of fish and wildlife.

- [Reporter] The Cuyahoga is now a poster child of clean water.

- [Reporter] Experts say, the water has changed.

- [Andy] As the power mad EPA imposed it's iron will, the nation was at risk of losing it's favorite past time.

Watching water catch fire.

(cheers) While unhinged aqua-activists claimed that flammable drinking water is somehow uninviting.

Some patriots understand this country's history.

From sea to burning sea.

- And I've been doing a lot of the fracking seminars.

But if you go back in history and look at how the Indians traveled, they traveled to the burning waters.

♪ Just around the river bend ♪ - [Andy] Americans need to support a new direction for the EPA.

With uniquely qualified leaders.

- [Narrator] Pruitt is known climate change denier.

- [Reporter] Has repeatedly sued the EPA to roll back environmental regulations.

- [Reporter] Andrew Wheeler, former coal lobbyist is now the acting head of the EPA.

- [Andy] Luckily, the EPA no longer has a blatant clean water bias.

This is the administration we need to make America conflagrate again.

- [Reporter] The Trump administration is said to relax offshore drilling rules.

- Rolling back regulations that were put in place after the explosion of the BP Deep Water Horizon.

The worst offshore oil disaster in US history.

- [Reporter] An inferno on the water.

- [Andy] Thanks to the wonders of modern water contamination.

Americans no longer have to go all the way down to the river to find polluted water.

- [Narrator] Imagine turning on your kitchen faucet and the water pouring out catches fire.

- [Andy] We can enjoy it in the comfort of our own homes, as we huddle round the warmth of our kitchen sinks.

- Wow.

Our new improved EPA understands that pollution isn't bad.

It's merely a sign that American industry is firing on all cylinders.

(cash register rung) - Fire, fire, fire, fire.