(light, whimsical music) (gun firing) (glass shattering) (light chamber music) - Good day, nice to see you.

- Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for one moment, please?

If you'd all be kind enough to take your seats, we can get started as quickly a. Splendid.

Yeah, come along.

Do bring your drinks, and then we can get going.

Good afternoon.

- [Crowd] Good afternoon.

- And welcome to the Donald Lynh Memorial Appeal Charity Auction.

(crowd applauds) I'd just like to say very few words before we start about the appeal in case some of you don't know.

It was started two years ago by Mrs. Lynch.

(crowd applauds) In memory of her late husband D. Up to date, the appeal has raised over 100,000 pounds.

(crowd applauds) So without more ado, I'll hand you over now to Lovejoy, your auctioneer for this afternoon.

(crowd applauds) Hopefully like Robin Hood, he's going to relieve you of all that beautiful cash you brought with you!

- Good afternoon, ladies and ge.

Now in addition to what Mr. Winkley was saying, we take all major credit cards .

It's your money I'm after.

In fact, I'll take any money but matri-money.

(crowd laughs) Now the first item on the agendy is, aha, a fine example of 19th century leather work.

Over to Mr. Dill to explain.

- To wit, one single solitary I, sole riding boot.

(crowd laughs) Once the proud possession of ths one-legged Marchioness of Keist.

- Kaster.

- Of Kaster, alleged mistress oV and winner of the Tiveton- - Kiveton.

- The Kiveton Steeplechase Cup on no more than five separate o.

- Thank you very much, Mr. Dill.

So shall we start the bidding at, say, 100 guineas?

Do I hear 100 guineas, please?

Thank you, sir.

The bid is with you at 100 guin, 100 guineas I am bid now.

Do I hear 150?

150, am I bid 150?

Thank you, madam.

The bid is with you at 150.

150 guineas, now you know I'm looking for two, don't you?

I'm looking for 200 guineas, 200 guineas, ladies and gentlem.

That's due dozzine in Italian, deux douzaines in Francais.

Do I hear 200 out there?

- I'll make that 200.

- 200 guineas I'm bid now.

250, that's what I'm looking fo, 250 guineas, anybody?

Thank you, sir, 250 guineas.

Now do I hear three?

You know I'm going for three, 3.

As the old marchioness would have said herself, around and around she goes, waving her wooden leg, where she stops, nobody knows!

(audience laughs) (crowd chatting) - I'd say, Lovejoy, damn cheek .

Hundred guineas for this bloody awful milk jug from Blackpool.

- A Goss milk jug from Blackpoo.

If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have bid for it.

- I wasn't bidding, I was wavin!

- That's bidding in my book.

- I was signaling, damn you.

The colonel was bidding.

But go on, you take it.

Have it back.

Don't mind the money.

I can't stand the bloody jug!

Blackpool!

- Lovejoy, you were absolutely .

Do you know how much money you raised today?

- Yeah, but tell me again.

- Oh, 28,200 pounds!

- Amazing.

- Isn't it wonderful?

Come here, I want you to meet an old friend of the family's.

Lovejoy, Harry Catapodis.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance, Lovejoy.

- Nice to meet you, Harry.

- That was quite a show you put.

You had them eating out of your.

What were you, a snake oil salen in a previous life by any chanc?

- Sold encyclopedias.

- Well, you could knock the spots off some of those high class auctioneers we have in New York.

What do you think, Cass?

- Sure.

The look on your face when you almost became the proud owner of a stuffed ow.

(Harry laughs) - I never knocked anything down to you, did I?

- That's right, but in praise o, I'm going to make a generous do, and don't forget that it was me who took the Hockney up to four and a half grand.

I almost bought it myself!

(lau) - Excuse me, I must say goodbye to Lady Deacon.

I'm sure you have lots to talk .

- I'm sure we do.

- You are the Harry Catapodis of Catapodis Madison Avenue, ar?

- Yep, that's me.

Cass tells me that you have a fd piece of the action over here, .

- Well, Cass exaggerates a litt.

- You got anything that might i?

- Goss milk jug from Blackpool?

- I saw you sell that.

How do you know Cassandra?

- Oh, she outbid me for a wheelr at a local salesroom.

How do you?

- Oh, we go back years.

I sold Donald some pictures.

That Stubbs over there, that's one of mine, and one of the Dutch canal scapes in Cass's bedroom.

Have you seen it?

- No, I haven't.

- Did you know him?

- Who?

- Donald, Cass's husband.

- Oh no, no, no, I never met hi.

- He was a great guy, yeah.

You know, it's a real tragedy him being whacked on the head by some damn horse like that.

Excuse me.

(coughs) - Waiter.

- Harry.

- I hope you don't catch this.

Thank you.

Ah, that's better.

That's Moscow for you.

I flew in yesterday.

- [Lovejoy] What were you doing?

- Lovejoy, Moscow is the last great art market in the world, a whole lake full of stuff that's been dammed up for over .

- Excuse me.

Yes, Eric, yes.

- Come on, Lovejoy.

You promised to get that stuff back by 5:30.

Oh yeah, well take this.

Oh, Eric and Tinker, this is Mr. Catapodis.

- How lovely to meet you boys.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, yes.

- All right, sorry Harry.

- No, no, I was just saying that everyone's crazy for Russia now.

It is going to be the dominant world market in the 1990s, without a doubt.

You know, I just picked up $1.5 million worth of trinkets, which has to be worth three times that in the West.

Oh by the way, if ever you come across anything that might interest me, you call me collect.

You got that?

- I got that.

- Bye, Cass.

- Goodbye, Harry.

- Nice meeting you.

- Nice meeting you, Harry.

Cass, I've got to go, too.

- Lovejoy, I can't thank you enough for everything.

The racing crowd aren't exactly known for their benevolence, but you squeezed them like lemo.

- Well, it's my pleasure.

Well, you never know.

I might find myself wide into the mains one day.

I'm just paying my dues.

Let's call it insurance, eh?

- Oh, by the way, if you shouldt any Lalique that you think might interest me, please don't hesitate.

- You're not going to believe t, but I was offered a Lalique bowl the other day.

What I'll do is on my way back, I'll pop in and see this guy and see if he's still got it.

- That'd be wonderful.

Please, come by for tea anytime.

Goodbye, Lovejoy.

Thank you.

(low, sultry music) - That's a very winning smile, .

- What did we get?

We've had a nice tickle, haven'?

I can see it on your face.

How much did we get?

- Get, get?

We didn't get anything!

Charity doesn't have a percentage, gentleman.

- What's the face for, then?

- Ever heard of an emotion called happiness, Eric?

A sensation you get when an attractive woman holds your hand and smiles at y.

- You're out of your league, Lo.

Besides, she's American.

Holding hands and smiling means nothing to an American.

- Yes it does!

She's also a collector of Laliq, and I told her that I'd been ofd a nice little bowl the other da.

- A bowl?

But that's a lie, we haven't seen a piece for months!

- No Lalique about, Lovejoy.

Dr. Moss's wife used to collect.

When he popped off, she flogged the lot to Simon and went on an extended cruise to the Balearics.

- Well, we'll just have to find.

I may even have to offer a small cash reward.

- Reward?

- Reward!

- You?

- You?

(dreamy, surreal music) - Yeah, Phillips had 10 pieces in their auction last month.

I wanna know who it all went do.

Simon, what is this?

All I hear is this bloody Simon!

What's he got a fetish about th?

No, there's nothing round here.

Just a lot of Italian copies, t. Oh that's right, smash it up!

It makes very good barbecue charcoal, I hear.

I'll get back to you, Jack.

Look, take it easy with the stuff, fellas, will ya?

If they split, it'll be back ne.

- Lovejoy, you wanted us to shift the stuff.

We're shifting it.

- Um, Eric, I've got to go to London tomorrow.

I just wondered if you still had your credit card.

You know, your Access, your Vis, your platinum American Express, whichever it is?

- I don't believe this.

You wanna borrow my credit card?

Where's yours?

- I'm excused credit cards, Eri.

It's just for the day.

You know, I mean, sort of a fall back facility.

You know, just in case.

You know what I mean.

- Oh yeah, I know what you mean.

But I haven't got it anymore.

My dad took it back.

And he says when you start paying me wages, then I can reapply.

- I'm performing an essential public service by employing you, Eric.

Your dad should be paying me.

- From what I heard, he is.

- Shut up.

You two want to ride in rollers?

I wouldn't trust you to roll pa!

- You're only give us flack, Lo, because you're looking for a Lal for the glamorous American wido.

You're losing your reason.

- Simon.

- Yes?

Yes sir, can I be of some assis?

- You've got a few quids worth of stuff here, Simon.

- Oh God, it's the white trash from the sticks.

What are you doing here, Lovejo?

Appearing at the old bailey?

- I came up for Christie's Renaissance furniture, actually.

- Christie's sale?

I heard you was bankrupt.

- I heard you were punting out Italian fakes, but I didn't set much store in that rumor, either.

You know, you don't ticket anything in this shop.

Don't want the casual street tr?

- Lovejoy, the punters who comee don't need to ask the price.

All they say is, "I like it, I'll take it, wrap it up."

- [Lovejoy] Not even please?

- Their money's polite enough.

- Well, I like this.

I think I'll take it.

How much is it?

- 400.

- 400?

Simon, come off it.

You and I both know it's not worth more than two and a half.

- Lovejoy, it doesn't matter toe if it's only worth two and a ha.

It's marked up at 4 Cs and that's what it's going for.

- Pity about that.

Could've found a nice home for .

- [Simon] It's already got a nice home, thank you.

- But Simon, on trade?

- You should be so lucky.

If Lalique himself walked in he, he wouldn't get away with less .

- Two and a half.

- Four.

- 275.

- Four.

- Three?

- Four.

- Shame about that.

- Yes, well, we're living in tis of roaring inflation, Lovejoy.

- Guess who's feeding the flame?

See ya.

- I'm sure I will.

- Lovejoy, hey Lovejoy!

It's nice to see you again.

- [Lovejoy] Harry!

- Were you at the Sotheby's sal?

- No, I came up for Christie's furniture, actually.

- I'd like you to meet Toshiro .

Toshiro, this is Lovejoy.

You really ought to get to know.

He's one of the best antique des in the whole of Europe.

- Nissan Credit Bank, Tanaka To.

- I'm very pleased to meet you.

- You have time to join us for ?

- I think I could manage that.

- Yeah, good, jump in.

Good afternoon.

Lovejoy.

You remember the story of the Emperor Hirohito's lost tea bowl, don't you?

- Jog my memory.

- You must have heard of the fas Satsuma tea bowl that Hirohito drank tea from before renouncing his divinity after the war.

- Oh, that Satsuma tea bowl.

Of course, naturally.

- Well, I've located it.

- Well good for you, Harry.

That's terrific.

- Problem is, you know how it i. I've got to get the owner to sell it to me.

- Ah.

- [Harry] This way, please.

- Oh.

- I was just explaining to Lovee that certified artifacts belongo the late Emperor Hirohito are pretty hard to come by, wouldn't you say, Toshiro?

- Almost impossible.

- And artifacts belonging to thr when he was a god?

- Totally impossible!

- Lovejoy, I want to show you s. That is a statement, sworn before the Miami Supreme , by the owner of the tea bowl telling how he came by it.

That paper right there, Lovejoy, is the most valuable thing you r held in your hand.

- Is it now?

- Obviously I can't divulge its real value.

Neither can I let the documents out of my hand.

You understand that, Toshiro.

I only have it on loan.

So what I am going to ask Lovej, if you don't mind, that is, is to go over to reception and m photocopy the document.

Then I would like you to check that the copy is true, sign it on the back to confirm , and then give it to Mr. Tanaka , and he can send it to his peopl.

Do you mind?

- Not at all.

(elegant chamber music) Thank you, madam.

Could you put these on Mr. Catapodis's bill please?

- Yes, certainly sir.

- All right gentlemen, here we .

One original, one true and accu.

Now you'll have to excuse me.

I have an appointment with my t. - Pleased to have met you, Mr. .

- And you, Mr. Tanaka.

- I'll see you out, Lovejoy.

Lovejoy, thanks for that, Lovej.

You have to hold their hands every inch of the way.

They don't trust a living soul.

- May I ask you a question?

- Go ahead.

- How much is this bowl deal wo?

- Spare change.

- How much spare change?

- $2 million.

- I see what you mean, Harry.

- I'll have to get back.

It's good to see you again, Lov, and thank you.

- I know, I know, Tinker's righ.

Consider provenance.

Documented connections with historical figures or situations will sometimes give a massive financial boost to an otherwise trivial object.

Nevermind that battered black Victorian umbrella may be ready for the rubbish.

As long as you've got that all , precious piece of paper which proves beyond doubt that it once belonged to Prince, then some monarchy groupie couly for your holiday in Tenerife, and you'll still have enough ler for that humanely murdered organic turkey Christmas.

What it comes down to in the end, I suppose, is you've gotta have a hell of a lot of faith in a few sheets of cheap legal .

Especially if you're buying a hundred dollar tea bowl for two million.

- You're back already?

I've told people you're gone 'til tomorrow.

- [Lovejoy] Would I leave you on your own, Eric?

- Very nice.

Very nice piece.

Signed as well.

What, 250 quid?

- No, come on Eric.

We live in times of roaring inf.

- Well all right, 275.

You won't get more than 300 qui, so that means you'll only make 25 quid maximum.

And that doesn't include your rs there and back!

I mean, in which case you'd have to knock it out for 350 quid and the punter would have to be a right mug!

You didn't, did ya?

- All right, Eric, you're so sm.

That's a Satsuma tea bowl.

What's it worth?

- Couple of hundred quid.

- Wrong, Eric.

Two million.

- What?

- I bumped into Catapodis in Lo.

What a pro, Eric.

He's got the roller, right.

This scam will net him his Lear.

(Eric whistles) According to that document ther, that tea bowl belonged to Emperor Hirohito of Japan.

If it wasn't for that piece of , you could grow cress in it.

You do know who Hirohito was, d?

- Yeah, he was the boss of the Kamikaze Veterans Associ.

- Well, when the Japanese surre, the Americans made him renounce his divinity.

- Renounce his what?

- The Japanese people believed that he was a god, and the Americans said that he no longer was one and should broadcast this fact to the whole Japanese nation by.

Now, according to that, just before the broadcast, he drank tea out of that very b, which effectively meant that a d had drunk tea out of that bowl.

So after the broadcast, the bown to one of General MacArthur's staff, a Colonel Whitney, who took it back to the States .

It's been in his family ever si.

- And now it's worth a couple of million dollars?

- [Lovejoy] Well, you can name your own price for anything that belonged to H. - He's only been dead a couple .

- It doesn't matter.

Japanese dingbat nationalists will pay millions for anything remotely connected to the emperor.

- Well it sounds to me, Lovejoy, as if we should be concentrating on the paperwork, not selling antiques.

- [Cass] Pull up!

- [Miles] Steady.

- Pull up!

She's still pulling, Miles.

My guess is that she's slacking.

- Yeah, well, I told you Mrs. L. She needs another two weeks at .

But going's too hard for her an.

I think Sheikh Mohammad is mad to even think about sending her to France.

And there's the proof, look at .

That's 20 seconds down on last !

- Don't worry, Miles, I'll call.

You follow the sport of kings, ?

- Nope, thought you might give .

- You keep your money in your p, and you keep your pockets butto.

That's what they say in Kentuck.

Have you ever been there?

Bluegrass country, Lexington?

- Never.

- That's where I met Donald.

He came over for the blood stoc.

He bought a little filly named Marina from my dad.

She was so flighty that I offered to go to England and settle her in.

- And the rest is racing histor.

- I suppose it is.

So, where is it?

Come on, let me see it.

Do you do this for all your cus?

- Nope.

(Cass gasps) - Lovejoy!

This is beautiful!

It is so sweet, and the color!

And it's even signed.

Not an Italian copy, either.

- Cass, do you think I'd- - No, no!

Lovejoy, of course not.

How much is it?

(Lovejoy clears throat) - Guess.

- Um, close to the 300 mark?

- Oh, please.

- 350?

- A little more.

- Not 375?

- Exactly.

- Lovejoy, that's pretty close to the top end.

But since you spent all that tie and went to all that trouble, s. - I saw Harry Catapodis while I was in London.

Had a Japanese banker in tow.

- You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but- - Go on.

- He bought a tea bowl for $2,00 that he's planning to sell to that banker for, do you know how much?

- $2 million.

He told me, yeah.

Quite a markup, eh?

- How does he do that?

That could pay my running costs for a couple of years around he.

- Just has a feel, I guess.

He told me he'd sold your husband a Stubbs.

- Yes, yes.

We bought quite a few things from him over the years.

Do you want to see my pride and?

- Oh, I'd love to.

(elegant music) - You wanted this writ in cash, didn't you?

- Yes, please.

- [Cass] Here you are.

- Thank you.

- How about that?

Giovanni Antonio Carnevale Cana.

Isn't it exquisite?

It gives me so much pleasure.

I could stare at it for hours.

What's the matter?

- As your credit rating's very h at the hospital at the moment, what say we take this down there and get it x-rayed?

- [Cass] Oh my god, what the he?

- [Lovejoy] "Rice produce of It" It's a rice bag picture.

- It's a what?

- It's a picture painted on a r. Sorry Cass, it's a fake.

- Oh no!

Oh Lovejoy, this is absolutely .

I can't believe it.

Well, this is impossible.

- I think it's one of several ps that were done in a prison in Naples in the 50s by an Italian forger called Stefano Bertalini.

- Oh, this is absolutely awful.

- The prison authorities wouldn't allow him any canvas, so he used the sacking from the bags of rice that were delivered to the pris.

He used to sell the paintings to the guards to supplement his rations.

The governor had two in his off.

Sorry, Cass.

- How much is it worth?

- As a collectors item, it's worth about 2000 pounds.

- Oh my god!

Donald will turn over in his gr.

He paid 250,000 pounds for it!

Bastard, that bastard Harry Cat.

I'll sue him for every cent he'.

- Cass.

Would you show me some of the of that you got from Harry over th?

If you look carefully, you see where this piece of carving begins here?

- [Cass] Mm hmm.

- Now, do you see a series of cs that are perfectly symmetrical?

- Like it was done by a machine?

- It's because it was done by a.

Even Leonardo didn't have an electric router.

These are machined very roughly and then hand carved.

You've got to look very closely to spot the copies, see?

- That's about as medieval as a!

- Afraid so.

How much?

- Including those two pieces, close to half a million pounds.

(Lovejoy whistles) I want it back, Lovejoy.

I want every single penny back.

Do you think I should call the ?

- Well, first I'd get a recognized expert's opinion.

I could be wrong, you know.

- Yeah, but you're not.

- Well see what Catapodis has t. He's got a very good defense, y.

- What, against fraud?

- Caveat emptor, buyer beware.

- Colonel Whitney's son...

Colonel Whitney's son has agreed to sell the Satsuma tea bowl.

That's the good news.

The bad news is he refuses to sell it to the Japanese.

- [Toshiro] So?

- Well, he'll sell it to me.

But that means me putting up $1.75 million of my own money.

We have nothing in writing, Tos.

- I agree.

Two million for the tea bowl on delivery, Catapodis.

- I can't help you.

I can't risk that kind of money.

Now, if you want to deposit the full amount into my account by next Friday, you can have the bowl by Wednes.

(telephone ringing) Excuse me.

Harry Catapodis.

Cass, how are you?

You do?

Well, I was thinking of callingy on my way back to New York.

(speaking in foreign language) - Can I call you later?

Thanks.

- Okay, Catapodis.

I will deposit the money by Fri, and we will have a contract.

(mischievous music) - Good afternoon, Tink.

- Partner.

- Lager in the fridge, coffee i.

- No thanks, Lovejoy.

I'll hold on for champagne.

You still interested in Lalique?

- Yeah, what's the word?

- Well, at Farley's next household effects sale there's a Lalique car mascot.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Take a look at this.

- Aha.

Un petite libellule.

- [Tinker] I'm sorry?

- [Lovejoy] Little dragonfly.

- I thought that's what you sai.

- Who's putting it in?

- Farley wouldn't say.

Said I have to come up with 1,5.

- When's the auction?

- Next Wednesday.

You're never gonna find 1500 quid by Wednesday.

- Well, we're just gonna have te a little more stuff, aren't we,?

Eh?

- I'm as shocked as you are, Ca.

I don't know what to say.

I really don't.

- It's not like you, Harry, to be at a loss for words.

No matter how you look at it, it is not a pretty picture.

- I can't believe it!

I bought this picture from Tony Drax to pay for his costs before he went to prison for murdering his wife.

Impeccable provenance.

- From a murderer.

- Sure.

No living dealer would have the guts to screw Tony.

- Somebody did and passed it on.

- And I'm to blame.

I'm responsible.

I should have checked and doubl.

I hate that this has happened.

That's why I employ experts.

- The hirsute Drax, real noble,.

But I'm still left with a five year old medieval wooden, a resin Art Deco ivory and bron, and a Dutch canal scape that's about as Dutch as Dan Quayle.

- All right, all right sweetie, I take your point.

But just look at that, I mean.

Is the Stubbs a phony?

Were your primitives painted la?

I mean, your Chinese porcelain?

Where was that made, Morocco?

Oh Cass, we all make mistakes from time to time.

I'm as vulnerable as the next m. With 50 people on my payroll, I have to rely sometimes on their expertise.

But I promise you one thing, I'm gonna kick a lot of ass when I get back.

- Glad to hear it, Harry.

- I'm going to take all this stuff back with me and refund totally without preje every penny that you and Donald have spent.

How about that?

- Harry, you're not taking this junk anywhere.

You still have my friendship if you choose to accept it, but I want 500,000 pounds, and I want this garbage destroyd so it can't get back into circu.

- I'm sorry, Cass.

No merchandise, no money.

- So that's the way it is, huh?

- Uh huh, that's how it works.

I'm an antique dealer, not a rainforest aid worker.

The goods go back with me.

- I can't believe I'm hearing t. - You want me to repeat it?

How do I know that this stuff won't appear in an auction in two weeks' time?

- And how do I know that they wr in an auction room with "Previously owned by Mrs. Cassandra Lynch" on the ticket?

I'll sue you, Harry.

- For what?

I'm offering to pay you in full.

Here, go ahead, take it.

- So it's come down to this, ha?

You are nothing but a cheap cro.

I'll sue you for selling Donald and me fake antiques, and your reputation will be tra.

- Sure, and when I appear in cot and tell the whole world how he got his money to pay for Canalettos, there won't be much left of the Lynch legend, either.

- What are you talking about?

He earned every cent he had.

- Sure he did.

- And what is that supposed to ?

- Ah, come on Cass, you must ha.

Donald was one of the best dopers of all time.

If he wanted to pull a horse, all the vets in the world would never know how it was done.

That's how he got his money.

- You're a liar.

- I'm not, I'm just telling you the way it is, and you can't prove otherwise.

And just think how that will go down with your county set.

Come on, Cass.

Don't ruin everything.

- Get out of here before I call the police.

- And that's your last word?

(ominous music) - Lovejoy?

- Hello!

Come in, it's open.

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- I'm not interrupting, am I?

- No, no, no, sit down, have so.

- I'll get it.

- [Lovejoy] Yeah.

- Harry Catapodis dropped by ye.

- Yeah?

- Do you know what?

- What?

- He offered my half a million s for all that phony junk you unc.

- Well that's better than nothi.

- I didn't take it.

- What?

- I tore up his check.

He was gonna send all that stuff back to New York and resell it.

Now I have an awful feeling that I've done something terribly, terribly dumb.

Do you think I've done something dumb, Lovejoy?

Dumb-ish, maybe?

Do you really believe he thinks he can sell all that stuff even though it's a fake?

- Sure, trickle it back onto the market very slowly.

It's probably worth twice as much as you paid for it.

At half a million pounds, it's a good investment for him.

- What a skunk!

- Yep.

- Morning, Lovejoy.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm in conference.

- In the way, more like it.

- What do you mean in the way?

- You're sitting on customers' goods, Lovejoy.

- These are no customers' goods, this is my furniture!

- No, Lovejoy, with the two chairs in the workshop, this set of four becomes a set .

- Look, I admire your zeal, but couldn't this wait a few mi?

- It's for a wedding, Lovejoy.

They have to be ready and waitig for when the couple come back from the church.

- Oh.

- Sorry, Cass.

- It's all right.

I not only have a house full of, but I've got one here, too.

Right, Bertie?

Bertie is 33 years old, which is just about as old as you can get in horse terms.

He was Donald's first horse, and he made him a promise, like a dying bet.

Hey Bertie.

Here, good boy.

- Hey.

Do you spoil all your horses li?

- Well, actually it was split with his arthritis medicine.

It's the only way he'll take it.

You have to sugarcoat the pill, even for animals, Lovejoy.

Oh, what I could do with a half million pounds right now!

- I know the feeling.

- No, I'm serious, Lovejoy.

Do you have any idea what it costs to run this place?

- Why don't you call Catapodis and tell him you changed your mind, hmm?

- I did, and he told me what I could do with the stuff.

Look, Lovejoy, isn't there something we could do... - What do you mean?

- Come on, Lovejoy.

You know exactly what I'm talki.

- You mean shaft him?

- I couldn't have said it bette.

Look, I can play just as dirty as the next person.

The trouble is, I just need a little more time to think about it, that's all.

(car horn honking) - Eric, I'm going to Farley's a.

Where's the cash from the sale f that dining room furniture?

- No cash, it were a check.

- A check, you brick brain!

Since when do we accept checks?

- Look, it was my cousin, Lovej.

It's not going to bounce.

It's gonna clear in a couple of.

- How am I supposed to bid for a very expensive piece of glass with this?

- Well, speak to Cyril.

If they knock it down to you, maybe he'll let you have it on .

- He's your cousin.

You speak with him.

- 600, 650?

700?

750?

800, I'm bid.

Come along, now.

This magnificent Lalique dragonfly is worth a lot more than that!

I'm looking for 850.

Now who'll give me 850?

Right, 850 it is.

Nine?

The bid's with you, said 900 po.

950?

A round thousand now.

Who'll give me a round thousand?

I'm looking for a round thousan.

1000 it is, right.

I'm looking for another hundred.

Another hundred, anywhere it's .

1,100.

Now who'll give me two?

Two anywhere?

Do I hear two?

Come along, don't let the star w go for the lack of another hund.

Come along, now, I know you've .

1,200, do I hear three anywhere?

Three, who'll make it three?

I'm looking for three.

Three?

I'm looking for three.

1,300.

Four, do I hear four anywhere?

Who'll make it four?

No?

Going once at 1,300.

(gavel banging) Lovejoy.

- Hello, Debbie.

- Hello, Lovejoy.

- [Lovejoy] Lot 36, the Lalique.

- 1,300 pounds, please.

- Is Cyril about?

- Cyril!

- Hello, Cyril.

- Hello, Lovejoy.

Bought the Lalique dragonfly, I.

- Yeah, that's what I wanted a word with you about.

I wanna buy it on credit.

- Tick tock, tick tock, that sort of thing.

- That's the idea.

Didn't Eric call you?

- Might've.

- Well, I can knock it out to a punter tomorrow, and Eric will tell you the check's in the bank and will have cleared by Friday.

How's that?

- It's a lot of money, Lovejoy.

If old man Farley ever found ou.

- [Lovejoy] Have I ever let you down before?

- Yes.

- Well that was then, this is n. 10 days.

- [Cyril] Three.

- Five.

- Three.

- You should've been an auction.

- I'm not a Mason.

(sneaky, mischievous music) - Lovejoy.

I'm Miki Tanabe, but you can call me Mickey.

- Absolutely amazing.

(speaking in foreign language) - I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I had to bring you here like this.

- It's all right, Mr. Tanaka.

Kidnapping's not a capital offense in this country.

- But you are not kidnapped.

You are my guest for the time b.

Please, sit down.

Well?

- I mean, about this time I shoe shipping dry sherry and eating stuffed olives about 70 miles from here.

Can you tell me why I'm here?

And what's the reason for all te Gilbert and Sullivan comic oper?

- You know all about this, because you are Catapodis's man in Europe, right?

- Wrong.

- Catapodis says you're trustwo.

You were in the right place in the right time.

We picked you up at exactly 4:0.

Very convenient.

You signed this photocopy without any question at all.

Watanabe checked on you, Lovejo.

You've been in prison.

Two days ago, you deposited a ck for 5,000 pounds into your acco.

You colluded with Catapodis.

(Lovejoy laughs) What's so funny, Lovejoy?

This is no laughing matter.

- Oh yes it is!

- Lovejoy, please.

That bowl has survived from the 17th century.

- I thought Hirohito's bowl was 16th century.

- How do you know that if you are not his partner?

- I've met the man once before in my entire life.

- You're lying.

- No, I'm not lying!

The money in the bank came from a furniture sale, and the date of this bowl is historical fact.

This is genuine.

You checked it?

A god never drank from this.

Same bowl, same color.

Just the century's different.

He screwed you out of $2 millio.

Do you know what happened to th?

- Watanabe believes it was broken by Colonel Whitney's son when he was a baby.

Catapodis substituted this one.

- You tried the fraud squad?

- Fraud is hard to prove.

Is not every tea bowl a divine ?

- I think what you're trying tos that you're not too keen on los.

- The money is not mine.

I don't suppose, Lovejoy, you know any way of... - Way of shafting Harry Catapod?

Reducing it to its biblical sim.

- Huh?

- Oh, I'm sure you have a saying in Shinto for it.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for .

Private vengeance instead of public justice.

If I knew of a way, Mr. Tanaka, I'd bottle it and sell it by th, no problem at all.

- If you do, Lovejoy, you let m. I'll set aside 2% of the $2 million for you if I see the money again.

- Right.

Right.

But meanwhile, back in the Feet Firmly Planted on the Ground department, I'd like Mr. Watanabe to come up with the 2000 pounds for this little trinket, which he crushed under his Orie.

(glass tinkling) - Oy, Watanabe.

(speaking in foreign language) The money and the car will be waiting for you downstairs.

- I'm suitably impressed, Mr. T. - Think about it, Lovejoy.

- Andrei Rublev.

I didn't know there was one outside the Soviet Union.

- Only one.

(gong sounding) (cheerful, upbeat music) - Thank you, Derek!

I won't be needing you anymore .

What's the matter, lads?

Cat got your tongues?

- You went out this morning in .

You came back in a Mercedes!

- Small acorns, Eric, from smal.

Where the hell did you get that from, Tinker?

- From the St. Johns Playgroup Summer Fair.

Well, I thought Russian stuff was the in thing this year.

- Isn't it bloody just?

What was it Harry said?

The last great art market on ea?

A lake full of stuff that's beep for 70 odd years?

Tinker, Eric!

Tink, go and get yourself a round of assorted drinks.

Eric, start sticking that toget.

(upbeat, cheerful music) - No, Tinker!

- Cass!

- Lovejoy, what on earth are yo?

- Do you still want to shaft Ca?

- Uh huh.

- Your wish is about to be gran.

This is the chance of a lifetime, Mr. Tanaka.

But I need big bait.

I need something unique, something really valuable.

- How valuable?

- [Lovejoy] This valuable.

- Do you know how much that is ?

It is totally priceless!

No one in the art world even kns that it is here in the West!

- Even better.

- The Rublev icon never goes ane unless it is in an armored car and Mickey Watanabe to accompan.

- Better still.

- Some things are just too valuable, Lovejoy.

Why not use the bank's Van Gogh?

- Oh, Mr. Tanaka.

When Captain Ahab went looking for Moby Dick, he didn't use frozen peas.

Is you in, or is you ain't?

(whimsical music) - I think I'm in.

(cheerful modern chamber music)