♪ [bird squawking] WHAT THE HELL!

HEY, SORRY 'BOUT THAT.

STAY COOL.

[dog barking] [door slams] [car engine starts] HELLO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

HEY?

OH, HEY, MAN.

HEY!

DO YOU WANT A CAT?

[flute playing] THERE YOU GO.

PEACE AND LOVE.

HI.

[door shuts] [bottles clinking] [brakes squealing] GO!

AH, WHAT HAVE WE GOT THERE THEN?

ABOUT THREE YEARS, I RECKON, FOR THE GIRL.

WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT, SERGEANT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID TO HER?

I SAID, "COOL IT, MAN.

"YOU'RE IN NO TROUBLE WITH THE FUZZ."

I RECKON SHE BELIEVED ME.

[laughs] LET'S GET YOU BACK TO THE STATION AND CLEANED UP.

I DON'T EXACTLY HOLD WITH HAVING MY MEN IN BEADS.

Rumpole: YOU DON'T SEE MANY COWS NOWADAYS.

WELL, NOT DOWN THE OLD BAILEY.

YOU NEED A NICE POSSESSION OF DANGEROUS DRUGS TO BRING YOU OUT ON THE WESTERN CIRCUIT BEFORE YOU EVEN GET A GLIMPSE OF A COW.

AH, CIRCUIT LIFE.

I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF IT THESE DAYS.

CIRCUIT IS FREEDOM.

YOU ESCAPE FROM THE OLD BAILEY.

YOU ESCAPE FROM YOUR CLERK.

YOU ESCAPE FROM THE LADY WIFE, "SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED."

AND YOU RELAX IN THE RESTAURANT CAR, WATCHING THE COWS FLASH PAST, AND YOU SETTLE DOWN TO A REAL OLD-FASHIONED RAILWAY LUNCH.

A TOUCH OF BROWN WINDSOR SOUP, RAPIDLY FOLLOWED BY POACHED TURBOT, CABINET PUDDING, MOUSE TRAP, CREAM CRACKERS AND CELERY.

WASHED DOWN WITH A VINTAGE BOTTLE OF CHATEAU GREAT WESTERN AS YOU CHARGE PAST... [train whooshing past] YES, SIR?

AH, WAITER.

SOME BROWN WINDSOR SOUP I IMAGINE TO START WITH.

WE'RE ONLY DOING THE GRAPEFRUIT SEGMENTS AND THE GRILLED PLATTER.

GRILLED WHAT?

FRIED EGG AND BRUNCH BURGER SERVED WITH CHIPS AND A NICE TOMATO.

NICE TOMATO, YES.

VERY WELL.

AND TO DRINK.

A REASONABLE RAILWAY CLARET.

NO WINES ON THIS JOURNEY.

WE'VE GOT GIN IN MINIATURES.

GIN IN MINIATURES.

NO THANKS.

OH, DEAR.

THE CIRCUIT ISN'T WHAT IT WAS.

NOW THEN, LET'S SEE.

"FIRST COURSE FOR COLORED ROYALS."

"FIVE, SEVEN.

QUESTION MARK."

BROWN WINDSOR?

[laughs] [muted announcements] LOVELY DAY.

MR. HORACE RUMPOLE?

YES.

YOU'RE RUMPOLE?

YES.

I'M FRIENDLY.

THANK GOD SOMEBODY IS.

I WAS WARNED YOU LIKE YOUR LITTLE JOKES.

[train horn blares] 'COURSE WE DON'T DO MUCH CRIME AT FRIENDLY, SANDERSON AND FRIENDLY.

WE'RE MAINLY CONVEYANCING.

BY THE WAY, YOU'LL FIND A COUPLE OF TYPING ERRORS IN THE INSTRUCTIONS TO COUNSEL.

FEAR NOT, FRIENDLY.

I NEVER READ THE INSTRUCTIONS TO COUNSEL.

I FIND THEY BLUR THE ISSUES AND CONFUSE THE MIND.

YOU'LL WANT TO SEE THE CLIENT THEN?

OH, SHE MIGHT EXPECT IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO NIRVANA?

AREN'T WE ALL, EVENTUALLY?

NO, FRIENDLY, I SHALL STEER CLEAR OF THE LOTUS EATERS OF 34 BALACLAVA ROAD, A LAND I IMAGINE WHERE IT SEEMED ALWAYS AFTERNOON.

NO, BRING THE CLIENT AROUND FOR A CONFERENCE AT MY HOTEL AFTER DINNER ABOUT 9:00.

THAT SUIT YOU?

AH!

YOU'LL BE AT THE GEORGE?

THANK YOU.

WHERE?

THAT'S WHERE THE BAR HAVE PUT UP.

OH, IS IT?

THEN I SHALL AVOID IT.

NO, I'M STAYING WITH SOME OLD MATES FROM MY RAF DAYS.

THEY RUN A STATELY PLEASURE DOME CALLED "THE CROOKED BILLET."

THAT LITTLE PUB PLACE OUT ON THE BAY?

OUT ON THE BAY, INDEED.

WITH NO SOUND BUT THE SOFT SUMMER RAIN AND THE MUTED LOVE CALL OF THE LOBSTER.

Rumpole: YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY, FRIENDLY?

WHEN YOU'VE GOT A NICE BIT OF CRIME BY THE SEA, RELAX AND ENJOY IT.

[seagulls squawking] [seagulls calling] [whistling] [whistling grows louder] CALLING ALL AIR CREW!

CALLING ALL AIR CREW!

PARADE IMMEDIATELY!

RUMPOLE IS HERE!

[laughs] OH!

OH, YOU OLD DEVIL.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

[kiss] LIAR.

I HAVE YOUR SPECIAL RUM READY FOR YOU.

OOH.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK NOW?

WHY EVER NOT?

TAKES ME STRAIGHT BACK TO THE NAAFI HOP.

YOU REMEMBER NEW YEAR'S EVE 1943?

SAM WAS OFF BOMBING SOMETHING.

I HAD YOU ALL TO MYSELF FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS OF BOOMPS-A-DAISY.

OH, NOT TO MENTION THE LAMBETH WALK.

HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD DUKE.

[slapping] THE DUKE!

THE DUKE!

[laughs] AH!

OH, DEAR.

YOU NEVER TOOK ADVANTAGE.

MMM, SOMETHING I SHALL REGRET-- [coughs] UNTIL THE DAY I COUGH MYSELF INTO EXTINCTION.

WELL, WHERE'S SAM?

HOW IS HE?

HOW IS EX-FLIGHT LIEUTENANT THREE FINGERS DOGHERTY?

WELL, BLOODY DOCTOR.

DOCTOR?

OUR DOCTOR MAKAY.

HE TELLS ME WITH A FACE LIKE AN UNDERTAKER, "YOUR HUSBAND'S GOT TO GET OUT "OF THE LICENSING TRADE "OR HE'LL NOT LAST ANOTHER YEAR."

OH.

"GET HIM INTO SOME SMALL BUNGALOW," HE SAYS, "AND ONTO SOFT DRINKS."

CAN YOU IMAGINE SAM IN A BUNGALOW?

OR ON SOFT DRINKS.

THE MIND BOGGLES.

HE SAYS, "YOU'LL FIND LIME JUICE AND SODA "HAS A PLEASANT LITTLE KICK TO IT."

THE KICK OF A MOUSE IN CARPET SLIPPERS I SHOULD IMAGINE.

I TOLD THE QUACK, "SAM'S NOT SCARED.

"HE USED TO GO OUT EVERY NIGHT "TO GET HIMSELF KILLED."

HE STILL MISSES THE WAR DREADFULLY.

YES, I EXPECT HE DOES.

SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CROOKED BILLET AND A BLOODY GOOD PISS-UP.

IT'S THE NEAREST HE GETS TO THE OLD DAYS IN RAF.

YOU OUGHT TO WATCH HE DOESN'T RUSH OUT ONE NIGHT AND BOMB TORQUAY.

YOU'RE NOT JOKING.

THE POINT IS... WELL... SHOULD I TELL HIM?

WELL, WON'T YOUR DOCTOR MAKAY TELL HIM?

OH, YOU KNOW SAM WON'T SEE HIDE NOR HAIR OF THE DOCTOR.

SO, WHAT SHALL I DO?

WHY ASK ME, LOVE?

WELL, YOU'RE THE BLOODY LAWYER, DARLING.

YOU'RE MEANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

WE'RE NOT OPEN YET.

Bobby: SAM!

SAM, CAN'T YOU SEE WHO IT IS?

WHAT?

TA-DA!

[laughs] MY GOD!

IT'S OLD GROUNDED RUMPOLE.

SAM, SAM.

RUMPOLE OF THE OPS ROOM.

WELL, WELL.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS NECK OF THE WOODS?

HE WROTE US A LETTER.

WELL, I NEVER READ LETTERS.

WELL, HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD DUKE.

[slapping] [all] THE DUKE!

YEAH, YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY, ARE YOU?

WELL, A SORT OF WORKING HOLIDAY.

I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF A LADY.

A DAMSEL YOU MIGHT SAY IN BLOODY GREAT DISTRESS.

OH, YEAH?

YOU'RE NOT STILL AFTER BOBBY, ARE YOU?

WELL, OF COURSE, TILL THE DAY I DIE.

BOBBY'S HARDLY IN DISTRESS.

[laughs] AREN'T I?

NO, THE LADY IN QUESTION IS A CERTAIN MISS KATHY TRELAWNY.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE READ ABOUT HER.

ONE OF THE LOTUS EATERS OF NIRVANA, 34 BALACLAVA ROAD.

SHE WAS DONE FOR POSSESSION OF A SUITCASE FULL OF CANNABIS RESIN.

I KNOW, YEAH, BUT... WHAT, ARE YOU DEFENDING HER?

AGAINST YOUR CRAFTY COUNTRY CONSTABULARY, YES.

DOES SHE COME IN HERE?

NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

HER LOT WOULDN'T GET PAST THE DOOR.

ANYWAY, THEY DON'T DRINK.

GOOD GOD, IS THERE NO END TO THEIR DECADENCE?

[laughs] BUT DO YOU KNOW HER?

NO, I NEVER CLAPPED EYES ON HER, THANK GOD.

NO DOUBT SHE'S ABOUT AS GLAMOROUS AS AN UNMADE BED.

OH, NO DOUBT AT ALL.

BUT HOW CAN YOU DEFEND THAT CREATURE?

EASY, PROP MYSELF UP ON FEET IN COURT AND DO MY BEST.

BUT YOU KNOW DAMN WELL SHE'S GUILTY.

THERE YOU'RE WRONG, SAM.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING OF THE KIND.

OH, PULL THE OTHER ONE.

I DON'T KNOW.

AND, IF SHE IS AND SHE TELLS ME SHE IS, I'LL HAVE TO MAKE HER SURRENDER AND PLEAD GUILTY.

WE DO HAVE A FEW RULES, OLD SWEETHEART.

WE DON'T DECEIVE COURTS, NOT ON PURPOSE.

YOU MEAN YOU THINK SHE'S INNOCENT?

HE'S JUST TOLD YOU, SAM, THEY HAVE RULES ABOUT IT.

AT THE MOMENT, I THINK SHE'S THE VICTIM OF A SET-UP.

A TRICK BY THE POLICE.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT I'LL GO ON THINKING UNTIL SHE TELLS ME OTHERWISE.

WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THE POLICE DON'T TRICK PEOPLE.

WELL, NOT IN ENGLAND.

HAVE YOU NEVER HAD A PLAIN CLOTHES MAN COME IN HERE AND ASK FOR A LARGE SCOTCH AFTER CLOSING TIME?

OH, YES, THE BASTARDS, BUT THAT'S ENTIRELY... OH, YES, ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

ANYWAY, WHO'S PAYING YOU TO DEFEND MISS SLAG-HEAP?

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT, OLD DARLING-- YOU ARE.

WHAT?

MISS KATHY TRELAWNY IS ON LEGAL AID.

AND I AM HERE BY COURTESY OF THE RATE PAYERS OF COLDSANDS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.

BLOODY HELL.

[laughs] [playing flute] WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT A LAWYER FOR?

I'LL JUST MEET HIM, DAVE.

THERE'S NO HARM IN MEETING HIM.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS STAND UP IN COURT AND TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT PETE.

HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHERE PETE IS TONIGHT, HAVE YOU?

NO, DAVE.

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

[doorbell rings] OH, GOOD EVENING, MISS TRELAWNY.

GOOD EVENING, MR.

FRIENDLY.

YOU'RE READY?

YES.

BY THE WAY, MISS TRELAWNY, WHEN WITH COUNSEL, I THINK YOU'D BEST CONFINE YOURSELF TO ANSWERING HIS QUESTIONS.

JUST ANSWER MR. RUMPOLE'S QUESTIONS, HMM?

WHY?

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID I MIGHT SAY?

WE DON'T KNOW, MISS TRELAWNY.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW AT ALL.

[distant dog barking] "COOL IT, MAN.

YOU'RE IN NO TROUBLE WITH THE FUZZ."

OH DEAR ME.

JUST FROM THE WAY THE OLD DARLING TALKED DIDN'T YOU TWIG THAT HE WAS FROM THE LOCAL DRUG SQUAD?

WELL, MY CLIENT HAS NEVER COME UP AGAINST THE POLICE BEFORE.

AH, NO, OF COURSE.

THAT EXPLAINS IT.

WELL, NOWADAYS COPPERS ARE ISSUED WITH BEADS AS WELL AS THE BOOK OF VERBALS AND THE SIZE 11 BOOTS.

WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN WITH THIS CASE.

OH, WHAT SORT OF FUN?

THE PLAN IS, FRIENDLY OLD FRIENDLY, A PRELIMINARY POINT.

THERE'S EVIDENCE OF TEMPORARY ACTING DETECTIVE SERGEANT JACK SMEDLEY, ALIAS JACK THE HIPPIE.

[laughs] IN THE ABSENCE OF THE JURY, WE WILL ASK THE JUDGE TO RULE THE WHOLE OF THIS EVIDENCE INADMISSIBLE.

REALLY?

ON WHAT GROUNDS?

ON THE GROUNDS IT WAS OBTAINED CONTRARY TO NATURAL JUSTICE IN THAT IT CONSTITUTED A TRICK, THAT IT IS THE TESTIMONY OF AN AGENT PROVOCATEUR.

WELL, WE DON'T GET MANY OF THOSE IN CONVEYANCING.

NASTY FOREIGN EXPRESSION FOR NASTY FOREIGN THINGS.

SPIES AND INFILTRATORS.

POLICEMEN IN DISGUISE WHO WORM THEIR WAY INTO AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME IN ORDER TO TRAP HIM INTO CRIME.

BLOODY UN-BRITISH, LIKE BIDETS AND EATING YOUR PUD AFTER YOUR CHEESE.

NOW, YOUR AVERAGE CIRCUIT JUDGE-- CIRCUS JUDGES WE CALL THEM DOWN THE BAILEY-- IT'S HIS HONOR JAMES CRISPIN RICE TOMORROW.

OLD RICE CRISPIES.

KNOW HIM WELL.

PRODUCT OF THE NAVY AND A MINOR PUBLIC SCHOOL.

HAD IT FIRMLY INSTILLED INTO HIM [background singing] IN THE FIRST-- FOURTH FROM-- NEVER TRUST A SNEAK.

SO, HE MIGHT RULE OUT THE EVIDENCE?

IF WE CAN IMPLANT A STRONG DISLIKE OF SERGEANT SMEDLEY INTO THE OLD DARLING, YES, WHY NOT.

"DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR, YOUR HONOR.

"THE POLICE ARE THERE TO DETECT CRIME, "NOT MANUFACTURE IT.

"WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY COMING TO?"

CONSTABLES TRICKED OUT IN BEADS SINGING TO A SMALL GUITAR, CONNING AN INNOCENT GIRL INTO MAKING HUGE COLLECTIONS OF CANNABIS RESIN FROM SOME PUSHER SHE MET AT A DANCE AT THE LOCAL TECH.

SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT IF THE POLICE HADN'T ASKED HER.

WITHDRAW THE EVIDENCE FROM THE JURY, YOUR HONOR.

THE WHOLE THING IS A VILE OUTRAGE ON OUR AGE-OLD LIBERTIES.

"IT IS NOT TO BE THOUGHT OF "THAT THE FLOOD OF BRITISH FREEDOM "WHICH TO THE OPEN SEA OF THE WORLD'S... "OF THE WORLD'S... "OF THE WORLD'S PRAISE."

"OF THE WORLD'S PRAISE "THROUGH DARK ANTIQUITY.

"HATH FLOWED FROM POMP OF WATERS UNWITHSTOOD SHOULD PERISH.

"WE MUST BE FREE OR DIE..." "WHO SPEAK THE TONGUE..." [both] "THAT SHAKESPEARE SPAKE."

YOU KNOW IT!

A LITTLE.

I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE KNEW HIM NOWADAYS.

WHENEVER I COME OUT WITH HIM IN THE BAR MESS, THEY LOOK BEMUSED TO SAY THE LEAST.

IT'S MOST UNUSUAL A CLIENT KNOWING WORDSWORTH!

WELL, I TEACH.

WHAT?

I TEACH KIDS ENGLISH.

AH, YES, OF COURSE YOU DO.

THERE IS ONE THING I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

WELL, WE MUSTN'T KEEP MR. RUMPOLE ANY LONGER.

ASK, MISS TRELAWNY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY EXACTLY?

SAY?

SAY NOTHING.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH FIRMLY CLOSED.

RELY ON RUMPOLE WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM WORDSWORTH.

NOW THEN, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

I'M AFRAID MY WIFE WILL BE EXPECTING ME.

AH, YES, FRIENDLY.

WELL, MUSTN'T KEEP THE WIFE WAITING.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MISS TRELAWNY?

OR WILL THEY BE WAITING FOR YOU AT NIRVANA?

NO, I'D LOVE ONE.

THANK YOU.

[singing gets louder] ♪ SOME SUNNY DAY ♪ [muted chatter] EXCUSE ME.

WELL, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS POPSIE, RUMPOLE?

YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH A GROUNDSTAFF, DEAR.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY AIR CREW MATERIAL.

WHAT'S IT TO BE?

UM, I'LL HAVE A COKE, PLEASE.

I DON'T DRINK REALLY.

DON'T YOU?

YOU DON'T DRINK?

NOTHING ELSE YOU DON'T DO, IS THERE?

[laughs] QUITE A LOT OF THINGS ACTUALLY.

DO YOU REMEMBER, RUMPOLE, WE USED TO DIVIDE THE POPSIES INTO BEER W.A.A.F.s AND GIN W.A.A.F.s.

NOW, IN MY OPINION, YOU'RE A LARGE PINK GIN.

SHE TOLD YOU, SAM, SHE DOESN'T DRINK.

AH, RUMPOLE.

DID YOU PICK UP THIS BEAUTIFUL BIT OF CRACKLING IN A BLOODY BAPTIST CHAPEL?

TAKE NO NOTICE OF HIM, MY DEAR.

YOU CAN BE TEETOTAL WITH RUMPOLE, BUT LET'S LAUNCH OUR FRIENDSHIP ON A SEA OF SPARKLING SHAMPOO.

I'D PROBABLY SINK.

OH, NOT WITH ME, YOU WOULDN'T.

LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.

FLIGHT LIEUTENANT THREE FINGERS DOGHERTY.

THREE FINGERS REFERS TO THE MEASURE OF MY WHISKY.

MY HANDS ARE IN PERFECT ORDER.

I HAVEN'T MET MANY FLIGHT LIEUTENANTS.

WELL, YOU'VE MET ME, MY DEAR.

ONE OF THE GLAMOUR BOYS, ONE OF THE BRYLCREEM BRIGADE, ONE OF THE VERY, VERY FEW.

IF I HAD A CRATE AVAILABLE, I'D BLOODY WELL TAKE YOU UP IN THE SKY FOR A COUPLE OF VICTORY ROLLS.

[laughs] YOU SEE HIM?

GROUNDSTAFF RUMPOLE.

WE'D LEAVE HIM FAR BELOW US, GROUNDED.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD DO THAT.

WHY EVER NOT?

I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED HIM.

NEED RUMPOLE?

WHATEVER YOU NEED RUMPOLE FOR?

NO... WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?

I DIDN'T.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD HAVE INTRODUCED YOU.

THIS IS MISS KATHY TRELAWNY FROM NIRVANA, 34 BALACLAVA ROAD.

WELL-KNOWN UNMADE BED, OLD MAN.

NO BLOODY WONDER YOU DON'T DRINK.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE DOING.

OH, NATURALLY, NATURALLY.

YOU WON'T HAVE A PINK GIN LIKE A NORMAL GIRL.

EXCUSE ME!

COME ON, DRINK UP!

TIME, YOU MONSTERS!

Singer: RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH... [chatter] WAS THAT MEANT TO BE A JOKE?

ALL THAT FLIGHT LIEUTENANT BUSINESS?

NO, NO JOKE AT ALL.

SAM WAS A GREAT BOMBER PILOT.

HE COULD FIND ANY TARGET YOU CARE TO MENTION IN PITCH DARKNESS ON THREE FINGERS OF WHISKY.

HE WAS GOOD, SAM.

VERY GOOD.

YOU MEAN GOOD AT KILLING PEOPLE?

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHAT I MEAN.

Sam: EVERYONE, GOODNIGHT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

IS...THAT HIS WIFE?

YES, THAT'S BOBBY.

I USED TO THINK SHE WAS GORGEOUS.

SHE DOESN'T LOOK VERY HAPPY.

OF COURSE, THAT WAS IN WARTIME.

THINGS WERE A BIT UTILITY THEN.

BUT THE CHILDREN SEEM TO HAVE GROWN UP BEAUTIFULLY.

IT MUST BE ALL THAT ORANGE JUICE.

OR THE PEACE.

TIME NOW, PLEASE!

DOES THAT MEAN ME?

I'M RATHER AFRAID IT DOES.

COME ON, I'LL WALK YOU TO THE BUS.

AH.

AH!

IT'S SO PEACEFUL.

"IT IS A BEAUTEOUS EVENING CALM AND FREE.

"THE HOLY TIME IS AS QUIET AS A NUN "BREATHLESS WITH ADORATION."

WE READ POETRY.

AT THE HOUSE.

DO YOU?

IT'S A GOOD WAY TO END THE DAY.

SOMEBODY READS SOMETHING.

ANYTHING.

THEY WON'T LOCK ME UP, WILL THEY?

I TOLD YOU.

WE'LL HAVE THE EVIDENCE THROWN OUT.

PUT YOUR TRUST IN RUMPOLE.

MY BROTHER PETE'S LOCKED UP, IN TURKEY.

HE GOT 12 YEARS.

[sighs] I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK ABOUT IT.

HE WAS ALWAYS JUST A SCARED KID.

HE COULDN'T SLEEP WITH THE DOOR SHUT.

NEITHER OF US COULD.

WILL IT BE OVER SOON?

IT WILL BE OVER.

THERE'S MY BUS.

[bus arriving] WHY DON'T YOU COME AND SEE ME SOMETIME AT NIRVANA?

[bus idling] Rumpole: WHY EVER NOT?

IN NIRVANA.

SEE YOU IN COURT TOMORROW!

[bus drives away] ♪ SHE'S A REMARKABLE GIRL.

SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS HER WORDSWORTH.

AH, THANKS, LOVE.

WELL, IN A WAY, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE HER.

YES, I COULD SEE YOU HAD TO.

SO FEW PEOPLE ACTUALLY CHOOSE A WAY OF LIFE.

WELL, YOU DID, RUMPOLE.

EH?

YOU CHOSE HILDA.

AH, THE LADY WIFE, YES.

"SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED."

I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER AT ALL.

I WAS CALLED UP TO MARRIAGE LIKE MILITARY SERVICE.

HER FATHER WAS HEAD OF CHAMBERS.

HE GAVE ME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF ME.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER SO LONG AND YOUR SON.

DID YOU KNOW NICK WAS AT OXFORD?

NO.

YES.

HE'S THE BRIGHT ONE OF THE FAMILY.

YES, SO HILDA AND I ARE LEFT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE...WELL, LIKE A COUPLE OF STRANGERS FORCED TO SHARE THE SAME SLEEPER ON SOME ENDLESS RAILWAY JOURNEY.

ME AND SHE WHO... ...WHO MUST BE OBEYED.

[both laugh] MMM, DO YOU KNOW...

IF I HAD EVER EXERCISED A FREE AND INDEPENDENT CHOICE.

WHAT?

I WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO YOU AT THAT HOP.

NEW YEAR'S EVE AT NAAFI?

MMM, I HAD YOU TO MYSELF FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS.

SAM WAS ON A ROUND TRIP TO DUSSELDORF.

PLENTY OF TIME TO COME TO SOME SORT OF DECISION.

YOU NEVER SAID A WORD.

NO.

WELL, PERHAPS I TOOK FOR GRANTED YOU WERE NEVER MEANT FOR THE LOWLY GROUNDSTAFF.

WELL, THAT'S A MISTAKE I SHAN'T EVER MAKE AGAIN.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, NOBODY EVER KNOWS.

YOU'RE SMELLING RATHER LOVELY TODAY.

OH, IT'S... [clears throat] NEW AFTERSHAVE.

SAW IT AT THE CHEMISTS.

I WENT FOR A STROLL BEFORE BREAKFAST.

IT WAS BY WAY OF A CELEBRATION.

CELEBRATING WHAT?

A HOLIDAY.

AND A CASE WITH ALL SORTS OF POSSIBILITIES.

[baby crying] [muted chatter] Rumpole: AH, THE LOTUS EATERS OUT IN FORCE.

CLEAN JEANS.

STATUTORY BABY.

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T MISTAKE THE WHOLE THING FOR A BIT OF FUN AROUND THE SOUTH AFRICAN EMBASSY.

MORNING, MR. RUMPOLE.

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

GENTLEMAN FARMER?

GENTLEMAN BARRISTER?

WELCOME TO THE WESTERN CIRCUIT.

PROBABLY GOT JODHPUR BOOTS ON UNDER THE PIN STRIPES.

TOOKE.

VERNON TOOKE'S MY NAME.

I'M PROSECUTING YOU.

AWFULLY DECENT OF YOU.

I SAY, RUMPOLE, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHOWER FROM?

RENT-A-HIPPIE.

WHAT A LIFE, HEY?

GANG-BANGS ON THE NATIONAL ASSISTANCE.

DO I DETECT IN FARMER TOOKE'S VOICE A NOTE OF ENVY?

USED TO BE A DECENT AREA, BALACLAVA ROAD, TILL THAT LOT GOT THEIR FOOT IN THE DOOR.

WHAT, SQUATTERS, ARE THEY?

THEY'VE GOT A NINE-YEAR LEASE ON THE HOUSE, AND THEY'VE ALL GOT JOBS.

NO, THE ONLY FELLOWS SCROUNGING OFF THE STATE, TOOKE, ARE YOU AND I.

REALLY, RUMPOLE?

WELL, THEY ARE PAYING YOU ON THE RATES, AREN'T THEY?

OH, MOST AMUSING.

[laughs] SO, RUMPOLE, IS THIS GOING TO TAKE LONG?

IT'S THE COLDSANDS GYMKHANA TOMORROW.

WE TEND TO MAKE IT RATHER A DAY OUT.

AH, LONG, NO.

I SHOULDN'T THINK SO.

IT'S QUITE A NICE POINT OF LAW.

POINT OF LAW, RUMPOLE?

YOU DO HAVE LAW DOWN HERE ON THE WESTERN CIRCUIT, I TAKE IT?

[laughs] [laughs] YOU HER LAWYER?

UM, THIS IS DAVE.

OH, YES.

DAVE HAWKINS, A FRIEND OF MINE.

WILL KATHY BE GOING IN TODAY?

IN?

INTO THE WITNESS BOX?

AH.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT HER TO SAY, AND-- DAVE.

DO YOU MIND IF I CALL YOU MR. HAWKINS?

IF I WERE A SURGEON, OLD DARLING, TAKING OUT YOUR APPENDIX, YOU WOULDN'T WANT KATHY HERE TELLING ME WHERE TO PUT THE KNIFE NOW, WOULD YOU?

Usher: KATHERINE TRELAWNY!

YES.

YOU'D BETTER ANSWER TO BAIL.

WILL-- WILL THEY LOCK ME UP?

OF COURSE NOT, TRUST ME.

TRELAWNY?

YES.

WE CAN IN COME IN, CAN'T WE?

OF COURSE YOU CAN, MR. HAWKINS.

PROVIDED YOU LEAVE THE WORK TO ME.

BEADS?

WHAT BEADS ARE THOSE?

I WAS WEARING BEADS, YOUR HONOR, ON THE OCCASIONS OF MY VISITS TO 34 BALACLAVA ROAD.

BEADS!

WITH A UNIFORM?

NOT WITH A UNIFORM, YOUR HONOR.

WITH THE EMBROIDERED JEANS AND THE WOVEN HEADBAND, THE PURPLE SILK DRAPERY KNOTTED 'ROUND THE NECK.

OH, NOT FORGETTING THE AFGHAN GOAT COAT.

I WAS IN PLAIN CLOTHES, YOUR HONOR.

PLAIN CLOTHES, SERGEANT?

YOU WERE IN FANCY DRESS.

[laughter] WOULD YOU MIND TELLING THE COURT WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOUR GAUCHO MOUSTACHE?

I SHAVED IT OFF.

OH, WHY?

IN VIEW OF CERTAIN COMMENTS, YOUR HONOR, PASSED IN THE STATION.

IT WASN'T A GAUCHO.

IT WAS MORE VI VA ZAPATA, ACTUALLY.

[laughter] SILENCE!

VIVA?

WHAT WAS THAT, MR. RUMPOLE?

THE OFFICER WAS AFFECTING A MOUSTACHE, YOUR HONOR, OF A WELL-KNOWN SOUTH AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY.

SOUTH AMERICAN?

CAN YOU TELL ME, OFFICER, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ELABORATE DISGUISE?

Rumpole: MAY I SUGGEST AN ANSWER, SON?

YOU TOOK IT INTO YOUR HEAD TO POSE AS A DRUG DEALER IN ORDER TO TRAP THIS QUITE INNOCENT YOUNG WOMAN INTO TAKING PART IN A FILTHY TRADE SHE WOULDN'T OTHERWISE HAVE DREAMT OF.

SHE WASN'T SO INNOCENT.

OH, INDEED.

WHAT LED YOU TO SUPPOSE THAT?

HER WAY OF LIFE, YOUR HONOR.

YES, WHAT I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, OFFICER, IS THIS.

DID YOU HAVE ANY REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THIS YOUNG WOMAN WAS DEALING IN DRUGS BEFORE YOU WENT THERE IN YOUR VIVA...WHAT?

ZAPATA, YOUR HONOR?

THANK YOU, MR. RUMPOLE.

I'M MUCH OBLIGED.

WE HAD RECEIVED CERTAIN INFORMATION.

WELL, WILL YOU LET US IN ON THE SECRET, SERGEANT?

WHAT WAS THIS INFORMATION?

THAT MISS TRELAWNY WAS THE TYPE TO GET INVOLVED.

INVOLVED BY YOU.

INVOLVED ALREADY.

I SHALL BE CALLING THE EVIDENCE, YOUR HONOR, OF THE NEIGHBOR, MISS TIGWELL.

VERY WELL, MR. TOOKE.

Rumpole: DO TRY AND SIT QUIETLY, TOOKE.

BUT IF THE EVIDENCE SHOWS NO PREVIOUS ATTEMPT TO DEAL IN DRUGS, YOU WOULD HAVE TO AGREE THAT THIS WHOLE CRIME IS A RESULT OF YOUR FERTILE IMAGINATION.

DOESN'T THAT RATHER DEPEND, MR. RUMPOLE, ON THE EFFECT OF THE EVIDENCE OF MISS TIGWELL WHEN WE HEAR IT?

IF YOUR HONOR PLEASES.

OF COURSE, AS ALWAYS YOUR HONOR IS PERFECTLY RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SERGEANT.

MISS TIGWELL?

[baby crying] IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GOING TO ASK?

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A GO?

DO BORROW THE WIG, OLD DARLING.

[baby gurgling] PLEASE KEEP THAT BABY QUIET.

THIS IS A COURT OF LAW, MADAM.

I'M SORRY.

THE BABY DIDN'T KNOW.

I COULD TELL EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE.

AND WHAT WERE THEY EXACTLY, MISS TIGWELL?

PERVERTED.

REALLY?

ALL LIVING HIGGLEDY-PIGGLEDY.

MEN AND WOMEN, BLACK AND WHITE.

Rumpole: DID YOUR OBSERVATION INCLUDE THE BEDROOMS?

WELL...NO.

BUT THEY ALL SAT TOGETHER IN THE FRONT ROOM.

SAT TOGETHER?

WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?

OH, WHY, I COULDN'T HEAR THAT.

THEY WERE A COMMUNITY.

THAT'S ALL IT COMES TO.

THEY MIGHT WELL HAVE BEEN TRAPPIST MONKS FOR ALL YOU KNEW.

I DON'T KNOW IF MR. RUMPOLE IS SUGGESTING THAT HIS CLIENT IS A TRAPPIST MONK... Rumpole: JUST SIT QUIETLY, TOOKE.

LEAVE THE JOKES TO ME, OLD DARLING.

NOW, MISS TIGWELL, APART FROM THE FACT THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEXES SAT TOGETHER, DID YOU EVER OBSERVE ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS FROM YOUR POST IN THE CROW'S NEST?

I SAW A MAN GIVING HER MONEY.

QUITE A LOT OF IT.

IT WAS IN TEN POUND NOTES.

WAS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'D EVER SEEN MONEY CHANGE HANDS?

OR INDEED ANY SORT OF DEALING GOING ON IN NIRVANA?

THE FIRST TIME, YES.

NOW WILL YOU JUST DESCRIBE TO HIS HONOR THE MAN YOU SAW PASSING THIS MONEY?

DREADFUL LOOKING PERSON.

A CLEAR CRIMINAL TYPE.

HE LOOKED AS IF HE'D BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH A HEDGE BACKWARDS.

LONG HAIR?

OH, AND A REVOLTING SORT OF MOUSTACHE.

YEAH, BEADS, EMBROIDERED JEANS, AFGHAN GOAT FUR AND A PURPLE SILK FANCY AROUND THE NECK.

DISGUSTING.

I SAW IT ALL QUITE DISTINCTLY.

THANK YOU, MISS TIGWELL.

YOU'VE NOW GIVEN US A PERFECTLY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF DETECTIVE SERGEANT SMEDLEY OF THE LOCAL FORCE.

[laughter] SILENCE!

WELL, MR. RUMPOLE, IT'S JUST AFTER 4:00.

WOULD THAT BE A CONVENIENT MOMENT?

IF YOUR HONOR PLEASES.

WILL YOU BE MUCH LONGER WITH MISS TIGWELL?

I THINK I'VE FINISHED WITH MISS TIGWELL, YOUR HONOR.

YES, MR. RUMPOLE.

I THINK YOU HAVE.

Usher: BE UPSTANDING IN COURT.

RUMPOLE.

AH, TOOKE, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.

IT LOOKS AS THOUGH WE'LL BE FINISHED IN TIME FOR YOUR GYMKHANA TOMORROW.

GOT A DAUGHTER IN THE POTATO RACE, HAVE YOU?

DO YOU THINK THE JUDGE IS AGIN ME?

OH, NOT YOU PERSONALLY.

BUT I KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING.

OH, DO YOU?

WELL, YOU GIVE AN OFFICER LIKE THAT HIS HEAD, NEXT THING YOU KNOW HE'LL BE IN A FROCK ON THE PROM SOLICITING THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BENCH.

SAY, I SUPPOSE THAT SORT OF THING IS WORRYING.

NOT ENGLISH IF YOU ASK ME.

OH, RUMPOLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

I MEAN, THERE WILL BE A FEW OF US DINING AT THE BAR HOTEL WITH THE LEADER OF THE CIRCUIT.

AH, ROAST LAMB, SEA SHANTIES AND OLD JOKES FROM QUARTER SESSIONS.

NO, NOT TONIGHT, TOOKE.

OH.

OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.

WE LIKE TO GIVE OUR VISITORS A LITTLE HOSPITALITY.

TONIGHT, I AM DROPPING OUT.

[laughter] YOU SURPRISE ME.

YOU SURPRISE US, ACTUALLY.

I THOUGHT AT BEST, I THOUGHT, "NUT CUTLETS AND CARROT JUICE."

KATHY GUESSED YOU'D BE SOMEONE FOR STEAK AND KIDNEY PUD.

KATHY HAS THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY UNDERSTANDING OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE.

AND REALLY A VERY DRINKABLE WINE.

ACTUALLY, I'M THE WINE FREAK.

AH, THE SOMMELIER OF NIRVANA.

[laughs] DO YOU THINK I'LL BE IN THE WITNESS BOX TOMORROW?

IF THIS ARGUMENT SUCCEEDS, YOU WON'T BE IN THE WITNESS BOX EVER.

I'M NOT SURE I AGREE WITH THAT.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE YOU HAVE TO.

THIS IS OUR BIG CHANCE TO GET THROUGH TO THEM.

THEM?

WHO?

WELL, TO THE LAW.

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE GOT YOU FOR.

TO PUT OUR POINT OF VIEW ACROSS.

YOU'VE GOT ME TO GET YOU OUT OF TROUBLE, DARLING, THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT ME FOR.

I'M NOT GOING TO GET UP IN COURT TOMORROW AND TEACH THE JUDGE TO SING PROTEST SONGS.

YOU'RE JUST NOT TAKING THIS CASE SERIOUSLY.

OH, YES I AM.

I TELL YOU I AM SERIOUSLY DETERMINED TO KEEP KATHY OUT OF PRISON.

THANK YOU.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

WHAT?

I WOULD RATHER LIVE AT 34 BALACLAVA ROAD THAN FLAT 38 FROXBURY MANSIONS WITH "SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED."

THAT'S MRS. RUMPOLE.

[light laughter] I'D RATHER RELAX ON YOUR INDIAN SCATTER CUSHIONS AND LISTEN TO FLUTE MUSIC FROM THE ANDES THAN DRAG MYSELF OUT OF BED ON A WET MONDAY MORNING DOWN AT THE OLD BAILEY TO DEFEND SOME OVEREXCITED YOUTH ACCUSED OF RAPING HIS SOCIAL WORKER.

I SWEAR TO YOU.

NO, I SWEAR TO ALMIGHTY GOD.

FOR TWO PINS-- FOR A BOX OF SMALL CIGARS I'D GIVE UP THE LAW.

I'D SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A PAIR OF PLIMSOLLS AND OLD GREY FLANNEL BAGS SHRIMPING ON THE BEACH AT COLDSANDS.

WHEN THIS IS OVER, KATHY, WHEN YOUR LITTLE TROUBLE IS OVER, WHY DON'T WE DROP OUT TOGETHER?

ALL RIGHT.

MEANWHILE... BACK IN COURT, KATHY IS ON TRIAL.

DON'T LET'S TALK ABOUT COURT ANYMORE.

WHY DON'T WE READ SOMETHING?

GOT A BIT OF POETRY.

GOES DOWN WELL WITH THE CLARET.

[Rumpole laughs] NO, YOU READ IT.

ME?

YES, YOU LIKE THIS.

YOU READ IT.

OH, DO I?

WE USUALLY HAVE A POEM BEFORE WE GO TO BED.

WELL, THEN LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

[flute music] "IT IS A BEAUTEOUS EVENING, CALM AND FREE "THE HOLY TIME IS QUIET AS A NUN "BREATHLESS WITH ADORATION "THE BROAD SUN IS SINKING DOWN IN ITS TRANQUILITY "THE GENTLENESS OF HEAVEN IS ON THE SEA "LISTEN, THE MIGHTY BEING IS AWAKE "AND DOTH WITH HIS ETERNAL MOTION "MAKE A SOUND LIKE THUNDER "EVERLASTINGLY "DEAR CHILD, DEAR GIRL THAT WALKEST WITH ME HERE "IF THOU APPEAREST UNTOUCHED BY SOLEMN THOUGHT... SHH!

"THY NATURE IS NOT THEREFORE LESS DIVINE "THOU LIEST IN ABRAHAM'S BOSOM ALL THE YEAR "AND WORSHIPP'ST AT THE TEMPLE'S INNER SHRINE "GOD BEING WITH THEE "WHEN WE KNOW IT NOT" THE OFFICER WAS ONLY DOING HIS DUTY.

ACTIVE, YOUR HONOR, IN THE PURSUIT OF CRIME.

OR IN THE MANUFACTURE OF CRIME.

THAT'S WHAT TROUBLES ME.

I SEE YOUR HONOR'S TROUBLE.

Rumpole: HE IS TOOKE.

HE REALLY IS.

IF I THOUGHT THIS YOUNG WOMAN ONLY COLLECTED DRUGS, ONLY GOT IN TOUCH WITH ANY SORT OF SUPPLIER BECAUSE OF THE TRAP SET FOR HER, THEN WOULD YOU CONCEDE, MR. TOOKE, I SHOULD HAVE TO REJECT THE EVIDENCE?

I THINK YOUR HONOR WOULD.

Rumpole: OF COURSE HE WOULD, TOOKE.

YOU ARE A LOVELY PROSECUTOR.

AND AS YOU WOULD HAVE TO CONCEDE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER EVIDENCE AGAINST HER, THAT WOULD BE THE END OF THE MATTER?

THE END OF THE MATTER?

YES, YOUR HONOR.

THE END OF THE MATTER, TOOKE.

WELL, WE'LL HEAR WHAT MR. RUMPOLE HAS TO SAY AFTER LUNCH.

Usher: BE UPSTANDING IN COURT!

UH...

I MAY HAVE TO RISE A LITTLE EARLY TODAY.

PUBLIC DUTY.

ANOTHER FOND FATHER WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN GYMKHANA?

MR. RUMPOLE?

YES.

THE CLIENT WISHES TO SEE YOU.

A MATTER OF URGENCY.

WE WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH.

WHAT TRUTH?

IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET PETER'S CASE ACROSS.

PETER?

MY BROTHER, I TOLD YOU.

HE WAS BUSTED.

YES, I REMEMBER.

IN TURKEY.

WELL, THIS ISN'T TURKEY.

AND IT'S NOT PETER'S CASE OR ANYONE ELSE'S, IT'S YOURS.

KATHY WANTS YOU TO KNOW WHY SHE DID IT.

SHUT UP.

BUT-- THIS CONFERENCE IS OVER.

GOT TO GET A BITE OF LUNCH.

COME ON, FRIENDLY.

WELL, IT DOES APPEAR WE HAVE NEW INSTRUCTIONS, MR. RUMPOLE, I'M-- HAS SHE TOLD YOU WHAT THEY ARE?

Kathy: NOT YET, I WAS JUST-- THEN DON'T.

THE OLD ONES ARE DOING VERY NICELY, THANK YOU.

WHEN IT'S ALL OVER, YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE.

I GOT THE STUFF LAST YEAR IN ISTANBUL AFTER PETE GOT BUSTED.

I WAS GOING TO SELL IT ANYWAY.

[door shuts] IT WAS GOING TO COST 10,000 POUNDS TO GET HIM OUT.

LAWYER'S FEES AND BRIBES, I SUPPOSE.

PETE GOT 12 YEARS.

WE'VE GOT TO GET PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT PETE.

MISS TRELAWNY, ARE THESE YOUR NEW INSTRUCTIONS?

YES.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

NOW THEN, YOU ALREADY HAD THIS STUFF BEFORE DETECTIVE SERGEANT SMEDLEY FIRST CAME TO NIRVANA.

LONG BEFORE-- LET HER TELL ME!

YOU DIDN'T GET IT IN ANSWER TO HIS CALL?

I TOLD YOU, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A BUYER SO I COULD HELP PETE.

LET'S SEE, IS THERE A 2:20 BACK TO LONDON?

GET ME A TAXI, WOULD YOU, FRIENDLY, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, MR. RUMPOLE?

DO?

I'M RETIRING FROM THIS CASE.

RUNNING OUT ON US.

WHY?

GET ME A TAXI.

THERE'S A GOOD CHAP.

WHY?!

[door shuts] I'LL TRY AND EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

IT'S A QUESTION OF RELIGION, YOU SEE, A BARRISTER'S RELIGION, AN ARTICLE OF FAITH.

MY WHOLE EXISTENCE IS BOUND BY A SMALL BLUE VOLUME HANDED DOWN LIKE THE TABLETS OF MOSES.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE TALK-- IT'S CALLED... ETIQUETTE OF THE BAR.

NOW, BARRISTERS DOWN THE AGES HAVE KILLED, THEY HAVE CERTAINLY COMMITTED ADULTERY, AND FOR ALL I KNOW THEY MAY WELL HAVE WORSHIPPED GRAVEN IMAGES.

BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT ANY ONE OF THEM EVER WENT ON TO FIGHT A CASE AFTER HIS CLIENT HAS TOLD HIM IN CLEAR CRYSTAL RINGING TONES THAT HE ACTUALLY DID THE DEED.

YOU MEAN YOU WON'T HELP ME?

I CAN'T HELP YOU.

LOOK...

EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD PEOPLE ARE PERSECUTED BY ARCHAIC LAW.

KATHY WANTS TO MAKE A STAND.

THE POT LAW IS RIDICULOUS.

'TIS MY DUTY TO PRESIDE OVER YOUR ACQUITTAL, NOT YOUR MARTYRDOM TO SOME DUBIOUS CAUSE OF INTOXICATION.

ENJOY YOUR BOTTLE OF WINE LAST NIGHT, DID YOU?

YES, I TAKE YOUR POINT, MR. HAWKINS, BUT I DO NOT MAKE THE LAWS.

AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM CHANGED.

I'LL TELL THE JUDGE I CAN'T ACT FOR YOU ANY LONGER FOR PERSONAL REASONS.

[sighs] THAT OLD FOOL WILL THINK YOU FANCY HER.

YOU'LL GET ANOTHER BARRISTER.

WHAT YOU TELL HIM IS YOUR BUSINESS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

AFRAID TO STICK YOUR NECK OUT?

OR WOULD YOU STARVE TO DEATH IF THEY MADE POT LEGAL?

LEAVE US ALONE A MINUTE, DAVE, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

WELL, YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID, MR. HAWKINS.

OH, TELL THE UNHAPPY FRIENDLY TO HANG ONTO THAT TAXI FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D RUN OUT ON ME.

YOU'VE RUN OUT ON ME.

YOU'VE ROBBED ME OF MY DEFENSE.

ALL I CAN ADVISE YOU NOW IS TO PLEAD GUILTY.

I...

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD FORGET THAT?

WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU?

OF COURSE I CAN FORGET IT.

I'D LIKE NOTHING BETTER THAN TO FORGET IT.

I'D FORGET IT AT ONCE IF I WASN'T A BLOODY BARRISTER!

AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT IN YOUR LIFE?

BEING A BARRISTER?

NO.

BUT WHAT WAS ALL THAT THEN ABOUT POETRY?

AH, WORDSWORTH, SILLY OLD SHEEP.

DRIVES ME MAD SOMETIMES, BUT I FORGIVE HIM.

I DON'T BELIEVE POETRY MEANS A DAMN THING TO YOU.

FRIENDSHIP DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

YOU'RE JUST AN OLD MAN WITH A HEART FULL OF A BOOK ABOUT LEGAL ETIQUETTE.

YOU'RE SAYING JUST WHAT I HAVE LONG SUSPECTED.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN?

WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?

I MIGHT LEAVE COLDSANDS.

COME UP TO LONDON, DO A LANGUAGE COURSE.

I WANT TO GET AWAY.

I THOUGHT... WELL, WE COULD HAVE LUNCH SOMETIMES.

WHEN YOU'RE AT THE OLD BAILEY.

AH, EVERY MAN HAS HIS PRICE.

HMM?

IS THAT MINE?

THE OCCASIONAL LUNCH AT THE OLD BAILEY?

NOT ENOUGH?

OH YES.

YES, MORE THAN ENOUGH.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT ON THE LONG, COLD NIGHTS IN FROXBURY MANSIONS.

I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON.

YOU WON'T LET THEM SEND ME TO PRISON.

I CAN TALK TO THE JUDGE FOR YOU.

HE MIGHT AGREE TO A SUSPENDED SENTENCE.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN TALK TO HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT, HE LIKES YOU.

GO AND SEE HIM.

PLEASE GO AND SEE HIM!

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS IF I SPEAK TO THE JUDGE FOR YOU?

I PLEAD GUILTY.

GOOD.

I'LL DO MY BEST.

WE HAVE ONE TRUMP CARD.

THE OLD DARLING'S ACHING TO GET AWAY FOR THE GYMKHANA.

WE HAD A GOOD EVENING.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH US, RUMPOLE.

DIDN'T WE HAVE A SPLENDID EVENING, VERNON?

THE LEADER GAVE US THE FLORAL DANCE.

[laughter] OH.

OLD PASCOE'S WONDERFUL FOR 75.

HE ENTERTAINED US IN SONG.

YOU'D HAVE ENJOYED IT, RUMPOLE.

OH, SPLENDID EVENING.

WE FINED LITTLE MORETON A DOZEN BOTTLES OF CLARET FOR TALKING SHOP AT DINNER.

WE THEN PROCEEDED TO PUNISH THE PENALTY.

HOW MANY BOTTLES WERE LEFT?

OH, NONE, JUDGE, SO FAR AS I REMEMBER.

JUDGE, I WAS WONDERING...

UH, AT THE RISK OF BEING FINED FOR TALKING SHOP, IF I COULD PERSUADE MY CLIENT TO PLEAD GUILTY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE GRATEFUL FOR A SHORT AFTERNOON.

SHE'S A REMARKABLE GIRL.

SO I CAN SEE.

SHE KNOWS A GREAT DEAL ABOUT WORDSWORTH.

[laughs] WORDSWORTH?

IS HE A MITIGATING FACTOR?

[laughs] WELL, HE CERTAINLY CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE ADMIRERS.

NO.

WELL, SHE'LL GET THE FULL BENEFIT OF PLEADING GUILTY.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME ANYMORE THAN THAT?

THERE ARE RULES.

I THOUGHT YOU-- YOU MIGHT INDICATE... AH, THE TARIFF.

YOU KNOW THE TARIFF.

HOW MUCH WAS IT?

TWENTY POUNDS WEIGHT?

A FAIR WALLOP.

OH, IT'S CANNABIS.

ONLY CANNABIS.

IF IT WAS BROKEN BISCUITS, I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY.

[laughs] THEY USE IT JUST LIKE WHISKY.

IT DOESN'T OCCUR TO THEM.

YES, BUT IT ISN'T WHISKY, IS IT?

IT'S A CLASS B DRUG, AS DEFINED BY THE DANGEROUS DRUGS ACT.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT IT?

THAT IT'S ILLEGAL.

ISN'T THAT ALL WE NEED TO KNOW?

OH MY GOD, RUMPOLE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEE YOU TURNING UP IN COURT IN BEADS?

[laughter] SHE'S GOT A GOOD CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW ABOUT A GOOD CHARACTER.

EVERYONE HAD A GOOD CHARACTER ONCE.

BUT I MEAN IF YOU'RE GOING TO LET EVERYBODY OUT BECAUSE OF THEIR GOOD CHARACTER NO ONE WOULD EVER GO INSIDE.

THAT WOULD BE A SCANDAL.

ALL THOSE EMPTY PRISONS.

I SAY, RUMPOLE... YOU'RE NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN THIS CASE, ARE YOU?

INVOLVED?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

OH, NATURALLY.

HMM.

MORE COFFEE?

[plates clinking] I THOUGHT PERHAPS A SUSPENDED SENTENCE.

RUMPOLE, YOU'VE GOT YOUR JOB TO DO, AND I'VE GOT MINE, HMM.

TRELAWNY.

YOU HAVE BEEN CONVICTED OF CRIME.

HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE SENTENCE IS PASSED ON YOU?

I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERY WORD SAID ON YOUR BEHALF BY LEARNED COUNSEL.

IF YOU HAD WANTED TO HELP YOUR BROTHER, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE FOREIGN OFFICE AUTHORITIES OR THE RED CROSS.

IT WAS NO HELP TO HIM OR TO YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN SERIOUS CRIME.

WHATEVER YOU MAY READ IN THE NEWSPAPERS, THIS IS VILE STUFF, A CLASS B DRUG RIGHTLY FORBIDDEN BY ACT OF PARLIAMENT.

YOU'LL GO TO PRISON FOR THREE YEARS.

TAKE HER DOWN.

[door shuts] AH... ENDED NICE AND QUICKLY.

YES, TOOKE, VERY QUICKLY.

GOING BACK TO LONDON?

TOMORROW.

I'M GOING BACK TOMORROW.

QUITE AN ATTRACTIVE SORT OF GIRL, YOUR CLIENT.

YES.

ALL THE SAME, PRISON SHE HAD TO GO.

[distant church bells] [car horn honking] SEEMS A SHAME, SIR.

A GIRL LIKE THAT.

IT'S AN EVIL PLACE, HOLLOWAY.

[flute playing] AND THIS FELLOW SAID TO THIS GIRL HE MET AT THE DANCE, HE SAID, "I'M ONLY HERE FOR THE WEEKEND."

SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'M DANCING AS FAST AS I CAN."

[laughter] LOOK AT SAM.

HE'S AS HAPPY AS A TICK.

[chatter] YES, SAM'S HAPPY.

WHAT DOES HE WANT WITH A SLOW DEATH ON LIME JUICE IN A BUNGALOW?

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

I'M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM.

ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF THAT?

Rumpole: PEOPLE NOT TELLING PEOPLE THINGS.

PEOPLE NOT SCATTERING INFORMATION LIKE BOMBS.

OH, YES.

OH, YES.

I'M ALL IN FAVOR OF THAT.

RUMPOLE!

RUMPOLE, THE GROUNDSTAFF!

HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD DUKE!

[thumping] HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD DUKE!

[thumps] HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD DUKE.

[playing piano] [all singing] ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE A BARREL OF FUN ♪ ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE THE BLUES ON THE RUN ♪ ♪ DRINK TO THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE A SONG OF GOOD CHEER ♪ ♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO ROLL THE BARREL ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE GANG'S ALL HERE ♪ ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ LET'S HAVE A BARREL OF FUN ♪ ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'VE GOT THE BLUES ON THE RUN ♪ 2, 3, 4!

♪ DRINK TO THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE A SONG OF GOOD CHEER ♪ ♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO ROLL THE BARREL ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE GANG'S ALL HERE ♪ ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ LET'S HAVE A BARREL OF FUN ♪ ♪ ROLL OUT THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WE'VE GOT THE BLUES ON THE RUN ♪ ♪ SING OF TOMORROW ♪ ♪ WE'LL HAVE A SONG OF GOOD CHEER ♪ ♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO ROLL THE BARREL ♪ ♪ WHILE THE GANG'S ALL HERE ♪