[audio logo] [theme music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Er, let's start, shall we?

I'll serve.

MAN: Balls, Judge!

Bad luck, judge.

What rotten luck!

Really, Guthrie?

Nice one, Judge!

- Mine, mine, Marigold!

- Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

- Oh!

Guthrie!

Oh.

Are you all right, Guthrie?

Nothing broken, I do hope and trust.

It's my elbow.

Twiddle your fingers.

There you are.

Nothing broken at all.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh, the most extraordinary shooting pain.

Oh, you poor man.

You are in the wars, aren't you?

Rotten luck, Judge.

I'm such a super shot.

It'll wear off.

Shows absolutely no signs of wearing off.

Rub it!

For heaven's sake, Guthrie.

Don't be such a baby.

Ooh!

Ah!

Ooh!

Muscular, is it, your Lordship's affliction?

Muscular, Norman.

One tries not to complain.

There's only one thing for a muscular pain, my Lord.

Aspirins?

No, no.

Throw away the aspirins.

No, no, it's a deep massage.

That's what your Lordship needs.

Oh.

Here, let me slip this off for you.

Oh.

Of course, your Lordship would need a masseuse with strong fingers, one who can manipulate the fibers in depth.

- Ooh!

Yes, I can feel.

These fibers are in need of deep, deep manipulation.

Really?

If your Lordship would allow me, I know just the masseuse to get down to those fibers and release the tension.

You know someone, Norman?

The wife's sister's daughter, Elsie.

Thoroughly respectable, and fingers on her like the grab of a crane.

[chuckles] A talented girl.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, our little Elsie has brought relief to thousands of sufferers.

Ooh.

And where-- where does she carry out her practice?

In a very hygienically run health center, my Lord, just a stone's throw off the Tottenham Court Road.

Tottenham Court Road?

It's not oriental in any way, this place, is it?

No.

Bless you, no, my Lord.

No, they're all thoroughly respectable girls, mostly drawn from the Croydon area.

All medically trained, of course.

Medically trained?

Well, that's reassuring.

Yes, they've made a thorough study, my Lord, of the human anatomy in all its aspects.

And, as you receive no relief through the-- the usual channels-- My doctor's absolutely useless.

Well, then there you are, my Lord.

You're quite right, Norman.

Why not try a little alternative medicine?

Good for you, your Lordship.

Oh!

HENRY: We'll book that one in for 4:30 on Thursday afternoon.

Through the jungle.

Very softly flits a shadow and a sigh.

Is this our old clerk's room, or the tropical house at Kew Gardens?

It's Mr. Hearthstoke.

Hearthstoke!

Some old gardener, no doubt.

No, Mr. Hearthstoke's the new young man in chambers.

He reckons our office space needs a more contemporary look.

And I was ticked off for golfing.

Uncle Tom's been ticked off.

I was asked to do it upstairs, but it's not the same.

I mean, down here, you see the world passing by.

You carry on putting, Uncle Tom.

Imagine you're on the fourth green at Kuala Lumpur.

I don't know that one.

Could I have a word?

In confidence?

Well, in the passage?

See, it's not only my clerk's room that Mr. Hearthstoke reckons should have a more contemporary look.

He says we could do with a more upmarket typist.

You know, Mr. Rumpole, Diane has always been extremely popular with the legal executives.

She's a very fine-looking girl, Diane.

A very fine, sturdy-looking girl.

I've always thought so.

Worse than that, Mr. Rumpole.

He wants to privatize the clerking.

He what?

Mr. Hearthstoke's not over-enamored, of my 10%.

Good god!

If barristers' clerks didn't get their 10% we'd have no one left to envy.

He's got his criticisms of you, too, Mr. Rumpole.

That's why I thought you and I might be in the same boat on this one.

Of me?

Even if we've had our little differences in the past.

What has this Johnny-come-lately got to criticize about me, pray?

He's not over-enamored of your old Burberry.

Oh, come on, Henry.

Why this hangdog look?

What on earth is the need for this stricken whisper?

If Mr. What's His Name has only been here a few weeks-- He has voted in when you were in Cardiff, Mr. Rumpole, doing your long fraud.

Well, why does our learned head of chambers paying any attention to this Mr. Hearthrug?

Well, quite frankly, it seems to Diane and me that he thinks, with great respect, that the sun shines out of Mr. Hearthstoke's-- Aren't you coming to chambers meeting, Rumpole?

[indistinct chatter] I've asked Hearthstoke to carry out an efficiency study into the working of number three equity court.

And I must say, he's done a superb job, quite superb.

Charles, would you speak to this paper?

He may speak to it, but will it answer back?

What's that, Rumpole?

Nothing Nothing at all.

[laughs] That's a good one.

Do you hear what I said, Hoskins?

Would he answer back?

Shh.

I am also doing a feasibility study in putting our clerking out to private tender.

Well, I'm quite sure we can find a young, up-thrusting group of chartered accountants who could do the job at considerably less than Henry's 10%.

As a matter of fact, I'm entirely in favor of the privatization of Henry.

Speaking as a chap with daughters, I can ill afford 10%.

Those of us with a bit of practice at the bar, those of us who can't spend our days doing feasibility studies on the price of paperclips, know how important it is to keep our clerks room happy.

Besides, I don't want to walk in there in the morning and find it full of up-thrusting, young chartered accountants that would bring up my breakfast.

Is that all you have to say on the subject?

Absolutely.

I'm going to work.

Oh, Rumpole, there's a dingy looking character in a dirty mac hanging around the waiting room for you.

Thank you, Erskine-Brown.

Yes.

Talking of dirty macs, I was going to raise the general standard of appearance among members of these chambers.

Raise it on your own, Hearthrug.

I'm busy.

Dr. Maurice Horridge.

Where does the "Doctor" come from, by the way?

New Bognor, a small seat of learning, Mr. Rumpole, in the shadow of the Canadian Rockies.

Ah, you know Canada well, do you?

I was never out of England, Mr. Rumpole.

Alas.

Ah, so this degree of yours, you wrote up for it?

I obtained my diploma by correspondence, none the less valuable for that.

RUMPOLE: And it's a doctorate in, uh-- Theology, Mr. Rumpole, I trust you find that helpful.

Oh, yes, very helpful indeed.

[clears throat] If you want to be well up on the Book of Job or carry on an intelligent chat on the subject of Ezekiel, I just don't see how it helps in the massage business.

The line of the body is the line of God, Mr. Rumpole.

We, all of us, are created in his image.

Yes, I've often thought he must be a rather strange-looking fellow.

The girls you use in these massage parlors-- All trained, Mr. Rumpole.

All fully trained.

RUMPOLE: Oh, medically?

In my principles, of course.

The principles of the spiritual alignment of the bones.

Well, what's alleged is that they so far forgot their spiritual mission as to indulge in a little hanky-panky with your customers.

I cannot believe it, Mr. Rumpole.

I simply cannot believe it of my girls.

So the defense against this charge of living on immoral earnings, Dr. Horridge-- Immoral earnings?

Me?

[chuckles] Who has majored in theology?

Is that entirely without your knowledge your girls turned from sacred to profane massage?

[car motor whirs] Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Erm, having a spot of bother with the elbow?

DRIVER: Oh, I see.

Just a fiver.

Yes.

Well, keep-- keep the change.

DRIVER: Thank you.

Yep.

Hello!

Oh, hello.

I telephoned for an appointment.

The name's Featherstone.

Right you are, dear.

Elsie!

You can take your things off through there.

My things off?

RECEPTIONIST: Elsie, your gentleman's here.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

[soothing music] Going anywhere nice for your holiday, are you?

Oh, I hope so.

I'm tired out with sitting.

Are you really?

Mm.

I've been sitting almost continuously this year.

Fancy.

[sighs] It gets tiring.

I'm sure it does.

[laughs] Not how I did the elbow in, though.

No.

Tennis.

When I'm not sitting, my wife and I like to play a bit of tennis.

Well, makes a change, dear, doesn't it?

Mm.

Oh.

You know, it really is very much better.

Oh, good.

I'm enormously grateful.

There we are, then.

Right.

Goodbye.

- Mind how you go.

Bye-bye.

He says he's tired out.

He's done a lot of sitting.

Oh, poor bloke.

[chuckles] Look, Marigold, see what I can do?

Oh, brilliant, Guthrie.

Do try not to dislocate anything else.

Massage parlors!

[chuckles] Well, yes, as a matter of fact.

Doctor of theology charged with running massage parlors as disorderly houses.

How revolting.

What was it you wanted to tell me, Guthrie?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

I was just saying my elbow seems a lot better, that's all.

MARIGOLD: 35 massage parlors in the Greater London area.

How pathetic.

Grown men having to go to places like that.

Well, I'm quite sure that some of them just needed a massage.

If you believe that, Guthrie, you'll believe anything.

Arab oil millionaires, merchant bankers and well-known names from television are said to be among those who used the sex services provided at Dr. Horridge's establishments and paid by credit card.

[hiccups] What's the matter, Guthrie?

That elbow playing you up again?

I'll just get something for supper.

I won't be a minute.

Oh, have you got any money, Guthrie?

Here you are.

I say, Guthrie, haven't you been going it a bit on the credit card?

Here, let me.

Here you are.

Thank you.

[coughs] American Express.

Uh.

My name is Featherstone, Mr. Justice Featherstone.

I-- no.

Not Justice-Featherstone with a hyphen.

My name is Featherstone, and I'm a justice.

I'm a judge, that is.

Oh, well, I've got into a bit of a muddle, and I've paid with my credit card when I should have paid cash.

And I was wondering whether I could go and pay cash now and get my credit card slip back, and you needn't have any record of it at all, as it was purely a private matter.

Just a question of personal accounting.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, I don't?

[knocking on door] Ready for the off, my Lord?

Yes.

Norman, look, I seem to have made a mistake with my credit card.

Er-- you're-- you're not Norman.

No, my Lord, I'm Harold.

Oh, Norman's left the service.

It seemed to happen rather sudden.

Gave out that he'd got another job, somewhere up north, I believe.

Oh.

I'd better get in touch with him.

Oh, something urgent, is it, my Lord?

No, no, nothing urgent at all.

I just thought I'd like to keep in touch with him, that's all.

Quite a character, old Norman, wasn't it?

Hm?

Oh, quite a character, yes, my Lord.

[chuckles] Elbow better, is it?

My elbow?

Norman told us you were having a bit of trouble with your elbow.

No, nothing at all.

My elbow never felt better in its life.

Um, excuse me?

The health center?

Cleared up and gone.

The lease was up anyway.

All-- all gone?

Everything, even the sauna.

Of course, we're still getting inquiries.

Even the credit cards?

Sorry, guv, don't take them.

There's some lovely juicy satsumas, though.

Strictly for cash.

♪ For me, what has all-- ♪ GUTHRIE: Claude Erskine-Brown!

Ah, Judge!

Ah, always so good to see a chap from one's old chambers.

Things going well, are they?

I see your wife is in the Court of Appeal again the other day.

Ah, yes, Yes.

Phylli's always in the Court of Appeal.

And Rumpole?

What's old Rumpole doing?

Something sordid, as usual.

Distasteful?

Downright disgusting.

Rumpole's cases do tend to lower the tone of Number Three Equity Court.

Mm.

I mean, take this one he's doing at the moment.

Massage parlors.

Oh, dear.

Yes, very distasteful.

Rumpole is acting for the king of the massage parlors.

Of course, he thinks it a huge joke.

But it's not, is it Erskine-Brown?

It's not a joke at all.

You know, I can't pretend that my marriage is all champagne and opera.

We've had our difficulties from time to time, Phylli and I, as I'd be the first to admit.

But thank heavens, I've never had to resort to massage parlors.

I simply can't understand it.

No!

No.

Well, it's a complete mystery to me, of course.

Anyway, that sort of thing simply lowers the tone of chambers.

Yes, of course it does, Claude.

Of course it does.

Well, the honor of Equity Court has always been very, um-- very important to me, as you well know.

Perhaps I should invite Horace Rumpole to have lunch with me at the Sheridan and have a word with him on the subject.

- What subject?

- Massage.

[chuckles] No, I mean-- I mean chambers, of course.

Oysters for Mr. Rumpole, and, um, I'll take the soup of the day.

And Mr. Rumpole will have the grass.

And, uh, I'll-- I'll settle for the club hamburger.

And I thought Chablis Premier Cru to start with, and then the Chateau Talbot '77, if that's all right with you, Horace.

Thank you.

Ah!

What's the matter, Judge?

You won the pools or something?

[laughs] No.

No, it's just that one gets so few opportunities to entertain the chaps from one's old chambers.

Erm, Claude Erskine-Brown was telling me that you were doing this case on, um-- what was it?

Beauty parlor?

- Oh, massage parlor.

- Oh, dear.

Yes, massage parlor.

In this case, the True Line Health Centers.

Of course.

I-- I suppose some of these places are quite respectable and above board, aren't they?

I mean, a chap might pop in simply because he'd got, uh-- A touch of housemaid's knee, you mean?

Yes, yes, something of-- of that sort, yes.

Oh, so innocent and unsuspecting that he shouldn't be allowed off the lead?

Why do you say that, Horace?

Well, to your average British jury, the expression massage parlor means only one thing.

What?

Hanky-panky.

Oh.

Oh, you think that, do you?

Everyone does.

Hanky-panky?

In practically every case.

Rumpole.

Horace.

Let me top you up with the Chablis.

Ah.

I take it you're defending in this case?

Well, what else would I be doing?

Yes, of course.

And as such, as defending counsel, I mean, you'll get to see the prosecuting evidence.

Oh, I've seen most of that already.

Have you?

Mm.

[chuckles] How very interesting.

Very funny.

Funny?

[laughs] Extremely funny.

Some very important people used my client's establishments.

Nobs, bigwigs.

Big wigs, Horace?

Well, most respectable citizens.

And do you know what they've done?

You won't believe this.

They actually used their credit cards to pay.

Have you heard of anything more totally dotty?

[laughs] Dotty?

No, not at all.

So all their names are in the evidence plain for all to see?

Thank you.

Of course, all this evidence needn't necessarily-- thank you-- be put before the jury.

Oh, no, no, by no means.

No, indeed not.

Only a few choice nuggets.

The cream of the collection.

Should make for an afternoon's harmless fun.

Not fun for the big-- bigwigs involved, Horace.

Well, if they were so idiotic as to use their credit cards.

Mm.

Don't you find all this criminal work rather exhausting, Horace?

It's a killer.

Only occasionally, a bit of evidence comes up that makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Have you ever thought of relaxing a little?

Say, uh, on the circuit bench?

Circuit bench?

You must be joking.

Anyway, I'm too old.

I don't know.

I could have a word with the powers that be.

They might ask you to sit as an assistant recorder, on a more or less permanent basis.

150 quid a day and absolutely no worries.

Assistant recorder?

Why on earth should they offer me that?

As a tribute, Horace, to the tactful way you always conduct your defenses.

Tactful?

[laughs] It's the first time anyone's called me that.

I've always found you extremely tactful in court, Horace, and discreet.

Oysters all right, are they?

Oh, yes, Judge, indeed.

Absolutely nothing wrong with the oysters.

RUMPOLE (VOICEOVER): Assistant recorder?

Why on earth should I want that?

I don't judge people.

That's not my trade.

I defend them.

All the same, 150 smackers a day.

Mr. Rumpole, you remember me?

Norman.

I used to be the usher in Mr. Justice Featherstone's court.

[laughs] I've just been down to the Old Bailey to collect my cards.

Judge's elbow better, is it?

It seems to be remarkably recovered.

Oh, terrible pain he was in, don't you remember?

I was able to put him on to a place where he could get a bit of relief.

Get down to the deep fibers.

Get the judge's bones properly stretched.

You recommended a place?

Yes, the wife's niece works there.

Nice little establishment, it is really.

Very, very hygienically run.

What place?

Oh, sorry, Mr. Rumpole, my number 11.

What place did you rec-- [door opens] Just looked in to inspect your books, Henry.

And the PAYE forms of all employees of chambers, plus the petty cash vouchers for coffee consumed in the clerk's room.

[chuckles] On Mr. Ballard's instructions, Henry.

I asked that old darling Brinsley Lampitt, prosecuting, for a shufti at all the documents, accounts, bank statements, all the gubbins.

Exercise your talents, make a list of them, would you please, Ms. P?

With special attention to the credit card records?

Are they going to help us?

Not sure.

Just want to pop in and see Henry.

LIZ: Right.

Henry, a word with-- oh, hello, Hearthrug.

Sorry you had to slip away from the chambers meeting, Rumpole.

What did I miss?

Have you replaced me with a reliable computer?

We did pass a resolution about general standards of appearance in chambers.

Old macs are not acceptable now, over a black jacket and striped trousers.

Striped trousers?

I quite agree, Mr. Rumpole.

I'm with you on this one, Henry.

I hoped you might be, sir.

Together, we will contrive to scupper the abominable Hearthrug.

It'll take a bit of working out, though, Mr. Ballard being so keen.

Ballard, you leave Ballard to me.

So long as I can leave something to you.

I'll do my best.

What exactly?

Ms. Osgood.

Your co-star at the Bromley amateur dramatics.

The lady who arranges the lists down the Bailey.

Yeah, we're playing opposite each other, Mr. Rumpole, in Brief Encounter.

Encounter her, Henry.

Drop a word in her shell-like ear about the massage parlor case.

What we need, above all things, is a sympathetic judge.

[knocking on door] Coffee, my Lord.

Oh, thank you.

Harold, isn't it?

Yes, my Lord, Harold.

And I brought you a few biscuits.

Oh, thank you.

Should be a bit lively in court this morning, my Lord.

Oh, lively?

Why?

What's on today?

I haven't looked.

Your clerk was telling me they might call some of the girls to give evidence for the prosecution.

Girls?

Yeah, you know, my Lord, from the massage parlors.

Oh.

There now.

What have you done?

Gentlemen, I feel very strongly that I should not try this case, that I should retire and leave it to some other judge.

Yes, well, there it is.

I'll rise now.

May one ask why, my Lord?

May you ask what, Mr. Rumpole?

Why, my lord?

I hope it's not about my client.

Oh, no.

It's got nothing to do with him.

I can't imagine your Lordship knows my client.

No, most certainly not.

Well, not that I've got anything against knowing your client.

I mean, if I did, which I most certainly don't.

Then with the greatest respect, my Lord, where's the difficulty?

You wish to know where the difficulty is, Mr. Rumpole?

If your Lordship pleases.

Mr. Lampitt, do you wish to know where the difficulty is?

If your Lordship pleases.

It's a private matter, as you well know, Mr. Rumpole.

If I know, my Lord, it can't be exactly private.

Oh, very well.

Perhaps I should make this clear in open court.

The other day, I happened to have lunch at my club with the counsel for the defense.

The oysters were excellent.

I'm very grateful to your Lordship.

USHER: Silence!

And during the course of that lunch, I happened to discuss this case in purely general terms with the counsel for the defense.

RUMPOLE: Is that all, my Lord?

GUTHRIE: Yes.

Isn't that enough?

My Lord.

Mr. Lampitt?

I've had a word with those instructing me in this case.

And they object to my sitting, yes.

Quite right and proper.

No, my Lord, they have absolutely no objection.

I'm quite sure that a conversation with Mr. Rumpole, in purely general terms, couldn't prejudice your lordship in any way.

Not in any way, my Lord.

And it was in entirely general terms.

In fact, the prosecution wish your Lordship to retain the case.

And so does the defense.

Otherwise, there might be a delay in finding a judge.

They'd have to fix a new date.

Yes, it would be a great waste of public money, my Lord.

Public money?

In view of the Lord Chancellor's warning about the cost of legal aid.

Mr. Rumpole, Mr. Lampitt, are you insisting that I try this case?

With great respect, my Lord, yes.

That is what it comes to, my Lord.

Very well.

Shall I put the charges, my Lord?

Oh, yes, Mr. Ashby.

If you insist.

[chatter] Good day in court, Guthrie?

No, Marigold.

It was not a good day in court.

Marigold, don't you long to get away from all this?

I mean, into the sun.

There's a fellow I was school with, runs a little bar in Ibiza.

Now, wouldn't you like to run a little bar of Ibiza, Marigold?

I'd hate to run a little bar in Ibiza, Guthrie.

Whatever are you talking about?

Well, you don't want to hang about in Kensington [chuckles] in the rain.

And married to a judge who's away all day sitting.

I like you being a judge, Guthrie.

I like you being away all day sitting.

What's wrong with Kensington?

It's handy for Harrod's.

[chatter] Marigold?

Yes, Guthrie.

I was just thinking about that cabinet minister.

You know, the one who had to resign because of that scandal.

Did he run a little bar in Ibiza?

No.

It's just that I can't help thinking about his wife.

The way she stood by him through thick and thin.

Would you stand by me, Marigold, through thick and thin?

What's the scandal, Guthrie?

Oh, nothing.

No, no, it's just-- just a theoretical question.

[groans] Just wondered whether you'd stand by me, that's all.

Don't count on it, Guthrie.

Don't ever count on it.

Oh, working late?

Yeah.

Well, Rumpole often leaves the lights on.

It's a question of cash flow in chambers.

What's all that?

Documents in the massage case.

Hundreds of accounts.

Credit card entries.

Rumpole wants me to make a list.

Well, I could help.

No, really.

Oh, yes.

yes, please.

Please, do let me.

Aren't you much too busy doing a time and motion study of the coffee machine?

You're young, aren't you?

So they tell me.

Well, don't you want to change the system?

I mean, it's positively archaic.

Henry taking 10% of our earnings, and Rumpole going around in an old mac that looks as though it came from Oxfam, spouting the same old speech about the liberty of the subject and the burden of proof.

You know, all that keen on the liberty of the subject?

I think he got the speech in the same joblot as the mac, and that appalling hat.

[laughs] What are you laughing at?

All this, acres and acres of naked flesh being pounded every day.

The day of the Rumpole is over, thank God.

What we should provide is an efficient service industry based on sound legal technology.

Here.

Can I have these?

Why are you doing this?

What?

Helping me.

Why do you think?

I just hope-- nothing to do with my eyes, is it?

Erskine-Brown took me to the opera.

Kept trying to tell me I had nice eyes.

I couldn't stand it.

Well, yes, Erskine-Brown's old fashioned, like everything else in these chambers.

- Just because I'm a woman!

I mean, I bet nobody mentions your eyes.

And Hoskins said I could only do petty larceny and divorce.

Quite honestly, thinks that's all that women are fit for.

Yes, well, out of the Ark, Hoskins.

Look, Liz.

[clears throat] I know we disagree about a lot of things.

Do you?

Yes.

Well, I'm standing as a Conservative for Battersea council and your father's Red Ron from North London.

But we're both young.

We both want to see things changed.

When we finish this, why don't you go and buy yourself a Chinese at the Golden Gate in Chancery lane?

Why should I?

Well, I could buy one, too, and we might even eat them at the same table.

Promise not to mention your eyes.

Can if you want to.

What, mention your eyes?

No, you fool!

Eat your Chinese at my table.

Hearthrug, what's this?

Another deputation about my tailoring?

No, just helping out your junior, Rumpole.

How considerate of you.

Well, I'll take over now, if you don't mind.

I'll have to stop at Pomeroy's for refueling.

Why don't you two young things go home?

Thanks.

Good night, Ms. Probert.

Good night.

So I'll see you downstairs, Liz.

I, um-- [clears throat] yes, I was, um-- I was going to ask you about Henry.

What about Henry?

Well, I was looking at his PAYE returns.

He is married, isn't he?

To lady tax inspector in Bromley, is my belief.

So what exactly is his relationship with Diane, the typist?

Friendly, I imagine.

They're just friendly?

That is a question I've never cared to ask.

No, there are lots of questions like that, aren't there, Rumpole?

Yeah.

Detective Constable Marten.

That was not, however, a note you made at the time.

- No, sir.

- No.

When the incident occurred, you were deprived of your clothing, and no doubt, of your notebook as well.

I made the note on my return to the station.

After these exciting events had taken place?

After the incident complained of, yes.

And your recollection was still clear?

Quite clear, Mr. Rumpole.

Hm.

Now, it all began with the lady therapist?

The masseuse, yes.

Passing an entirely innocent remark?

She asked me if I was going anywhere nice on holiday.

She asked you that?

Yes, my Lord.

And up to that time, this was a perfectly straightforward routine massage?

I informed the young lady that I had a certain pain in the knee from playing football.

Was that the truth?

No, my Lord.

Oh, then you were lying, Officer.

Yes, if you put it that way.

Well, what other way is there of putting it?

You are an officer who is prepared to lie.

In the course of duty, yes.

And submit to sexual advances on massage tables, in the course of duty?

[chuckling] Yes.

Yes.

Very well.

Just one moment, Mr. Rumpole.

Perhaps I can help.

Of course, my Lord.

[clears throat] Now, when the massage started, you told the young lady you had a pain in your knee.

Yes, my Lord.

From playing tennis?

Football, my Lord.

Oh, yes, of course, football.

Yes, I'm much obliged.

And as far as she knew, that may have been the truth.

She might have believed it, my Lord.

And as far as you know, quite a number of perfectly decent, respectable, happily married men may visit these health centers simply because they have sustained an injury during the course of various sporting activities, tennis, football, and the like.

Some may, I suppose, my Lord.

Many may.

Yes.

Yes.

Very well, Thank you, Mr. Rumpole.

Oh, thank you, my Lord.

If your Lordship pleases.

So at first sight, this appeared to be an entirely genuine health center?

At first sight, yes.

An entirely genuine health center.

Now, those were your words, Mr. Rumpole.

My exact words, my Lord.

No doubt your Lordship is making a note of them for the benefit of the jury.

Oh, I am indeed, Mr. Rumpole.

I am indeed.

RUMPOLE: And all was as pure as the driven snow.

In fact, it was the routine, proper treatment for a knee injury until you made a somewhat distasteful suggestion.

Distasteful?

Well, just remind the jury of what you said, Officer, as you lay on that massage table, clad only in a towel.

I said, well, my dear, how about a bit of the other?

[chuckling] The what, Officer?

The other, my Lord.

The other what?

Just the other.

Well, I must confess, I don't understand.

You were using an expression from the vernacular.

Meaning what, Mr. Rumpole?

Hanky-panky, my Lord.

Oh, I'm much obliged.

I hope that's clear to members of the jury.

So you suggested that some form of sexual intimacy might be possible?

I did, my Lord.

Putting it in terms, I felt the young lady would understand.

And that suggestion came entirely from you?

In the first instance, yes.

And if you hadn't made this appalling suggestion, the massage might have continued quite inoffensively?

It might have done.

To the considerable benefit of your knee.

There was nothing wrong with my knee, my Lord.

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

You were lying about that, weren't you?

And during the course of this entire transaction, you saw absolutely nothing of my client?

Nothing at all, my Lord.

No.

Thank you, Officer.

No, just one moment.

A question.

When you asked the young lady about the other, what did she reply?

Her reply was, my Lord, that'll be 20 pounds.

Oh, yes.

Very well.

I don't think we need to keep this officer, do we?

The witness may be released.

Do you know why the judge is batting so strenuously for the defense?

Must be my irresistible charm, old love.

MARIGOLD: I don't often bump into you in Harrod's, Mrs. Rumpole.

Well, no.

Of course I don't get to Harrod's as often as the judge's wife.

Only after Rumpole has had a real money brief, as he calls it.

We usually shop in Marks on the Legal Aid.

No sugar?

No, no, I've got my boring little tablets.

I wanted to buy myself a hat when Rumpole's sitting.

I thought I might be up beside him occasionally on the bench.

Rumpole sitting?

Well, yes.

It was your judge that mentioned it to him, actually, when they took a spot of lunch together at the Sheridan Club.

Rumpole says it rather depends on him behaving himself in this case that's going on.

But if he's a bit careful, well, deputy county court judge for all the world to see.

It'll be one in the eye for Claude Erskine-Brown.

That's what he's always wanted.

Guthrie seems to want to give up sitting.

He talks of going to Ibiza and opening a bar.

Ibiza?

A terrible place, full of package tours and Spaniards.

Oh, dear.

I don't think Rumpole and I would like that at all.

Tell me, Mrs. Rumpole-- may I call you Hilda?

You and Guthrie always have, Marigold.

Guthrie's been most peculiar lately.

I wonder if I ought to take him to the doctor.

Oh, dear.

Nothing terribly serious, I hope.

He keeps asking me if I'll stand by him through thick and thin.

Would you do that for Rumpole?

Well, of course.

Rumpole and I have been together for nearly 40 years now.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, I'd stand by him, of course.

Would you?

But thick and thin?

No, I'm not so sure about that.

Neither am I, Hilda.

I'm not sure at all.

Have a scone, dear.

Let's hope it never comes to that.

However much longer is this case going to last?

Well, Judge, we've only had two days so far.

As you yourself said, Rumpole, we're under constant pressure to cut down on public spending.

Now, it does seem to me that this is a case where we shouldn't delay matters by introducing a lot of unnecessary documents.

Do you intend putting in any documents, Lampitt?

Just Dr. Horridge's bank accounts.

It's clear he was making a hefty profit out of this organization.

His bank accounts?

Just his bank accounts?

Yes, my Lord.

I don't think anything else is necessary.

Oh, no.

Absolutely not.

I do so agree.

I mean, I did hear something about people using their credit cards.

Now, you don't intend putting in any credit card slips or anything of that sort?

No, I don't think you need bother with that sort of evidence.

Oh, no.

Absolutely not.

I do so agree.

I'm sure you agree to don't you, Rumpole?

Yes.

Well, that is-- um, not quite, Judge.

Not quite.

Well, regarding the credit card evidence.

Yes?

I would rather like to keep my options open.

Keep them open?

Well, my argument is that anyone who pays with his credit card in a disorderly house must be completely insane.

And that's your argument?

So the fact that credit cards were used may indicate my client's innocence.

It's something I'll have to consider, Judge, very, very seriously.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I suppose you will.

Well, is-- is that all you wanted to see us about, Judge?

How much longer?

Oh, don't worry, Judge, it'll soon be over.

Thank you.

[speaking spanish] This glass is not clean.

[speaking spanish] Marigold Featherstone says the judge is terribly depressed.

What's eating him, I wonder.

Apparently he won't be sitting much longer.

Just think of that, Rumpole.

You'll be sitting here, and Guthrie and Marigold Featherstone will be running a bar in Ibiza.

Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you, there's a chambers party coming up.

Claude Erskine-Brown is organizing.

Well, we all know what that's for, don't we?

Do we?

I've bought a hat.

There's a movement in chambers to get me to buy one, too.

So that I can sit beside you sometimes when you're on your bench.

For God's sake, Hilda, don't do that.

I mean, all that sitting, you'll be terribly uncomfortable.

American Express.

Oh, yes.

Yes, they've-- they've paid in the credit card.

True Life Health Center.

True-- True Life.

True Life.

That-- that's not the name in the indictment, is it?

You, Maurice Horridge, are charged that you at the True Line Health Center.

True Line True Line!

Not True Life.

I'm in the clear.

I'm in the clear.

I'm in the clear!

- My Lord?

Ah!

Harold!

Is Your Lordship ready for court?

Oh, yes, absolutely ready, for court.

Dr. Horridge, if any of the young ladies misconducted themselves in your health centers-- Oh, they wouldn't.

I'm sure they wouldn't.

They were spiritually trained, Mr. Rumpole.

Yes, quite so.

But if by some chance they did, was it with your knowledge and approval?

Certainly not, my Lord.

Quite certainly not.

Oh, come now, Dr. Horridge.

Yes, my Lord.

Oh, come, come.

We have heard the evidence of that young officer, Detective Constable Marten, that he suggested to one of your masseurs something of the other.

Something or other, my Lord?

No, Dr. Horridge.

Something of the other.

I'm sure you know perfectly well what that means.

To which she replied, that will be 20 pounds.

Now, that's a pretty scandalous state of affairs.

I'm sure you agree.

DR. HORRIDGE: Yes, my Lord.

Are you honestly trying to tell this jury that you had no idea, whatever that that was going on in your so-called health center?

No idea at all, my Lord.

And you didn't make it your business to find out?

Not specifically, my Lord.

Not specifically.

Didn't you realize that very many perfectly decent, respectable citizens, husbands, ratepayers might have been trapped into the most ghastly trouble simply because they'd injured an elbow?

I mean, a knee?

DR. HORRIDGE: I suppose so, my Lord.

You suppose so?

Well, the jury will have heard your answer.

What are you doing, Mr. Rumpole?

I'm testing the wind, my Lord.

The wind?

Yes.

It seems to have changed the direction.

Rumpole?

Are you dead, Rumpole?

RUMPOLE: Not dead.

Just laid out spiritually.

Oh.

It's you, Hearthrug.

I was looking for Ballard.

RUMPOLE: We'll go and look somewhere else, will you?

I was going to tell him about Henry.

[grunts] What about Henry?

Kissing Diane in the clerk's room.

It's just not on.

Oh.

Yes, I agree.

Oh, do you?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you'd say it was all part of the freedom of the subject or whatever it is you're so keen on.

Good heavens!

No, no.

I think they should stop rehearsing in their place of work.

Rehearsing?

Oh, didn't you know?

Oh, Henry is a pillar of the Bromley amateur dramatics.

He's playing opposite Diane in some light comedy or other.

And, of course, they work so hard in here all day, they get so little time to rehearse.

I'll have a word with them about it.

How's the housemaid's knee?

What?

The dicky ankle, the fiddler's elbow, the bad back.

The pain in the neck.

Suffering a lot, are you?

Rumpole, what are you talking about?

I'm perfectly fit.

Thank you.

What?

Really?

What, no aches and pains at all?

No, none whatever.

How odd.

You've been having so much massage lately.

What on earth are you talking about?

Yeah, unfortunate case.

That poor old theologian got two years, once the judge felt he had a free hand in the matter.

But we were looking through the evidence because you know all about that, don't you?

It's why you popped in the other night to give Ms. Probert a helping hand.

I was looking for another name entirely, as it happens.

I kept coming across yours, Charles Hearthstoke.

In for a massage every week regular at the Battersea Health Depot and hanky-panky parlor.

Well, that was entirely, entirely innocent.

Then you can tell that to our learned head of chambers when you find him.

Are you quite sure I can't trust you-- Absolutely, sir, yes.

Ah, Judge, good of you to come to our little gathering.

It's always a pleasure to be back in one's old chambers.

Guthrie, a drop of wine?

- Thank you.

- Ah, Judge.

Hear you potted Rumpole's old brothel keeper straight into the pocket.

[chuckles] Yes, rather a worrying case.

Yes, must have been for you, Judge, extremely worrying.

You know, there used to be a rumor going around the temple that old Helford Davis's clerk, was running a disorderly house over a tea shop in Chancery Lane.

Oh, dear.

Trouble was, no one could ever find it.

[laughter] Oh, Judge, how I'm going to envy you.

All that sunshine.

Of course, we'd love to get away to a warmer climate, but Rumpole couldn't possibly leave now.

He has new responsibilities, and he's not going to let the Lord Chancellor down.

The Lord Chancellor?

Oh, yes.

He's expecting great things, apparently, of Rumpole.

A happy retirement to you.

Oh.

I'm not about to retire, Mrs. Rumpole.

Marigold distinctly told me.

Ibiza.

Oh, oh.

I had thought of it.

I-- I toyed with the idea of lounging about in an old pair of shorts and a straw hat, soaking up the sun and drinking sangria.

But no, no, I consider it my duty to carry on sitting.

Oh, Ibiza no longer necessary, Judge?

Your duty?

Yes, of course.

And Rumpole is going to be doing his duty, too.

I-- I say.

What's the party in aid off?

I think Mr. Ballard is going to tell us now.

Welcome.

Welcome, everyone.

Welcome, Judge.

- [coughs] It's delightful to have you with us.

Thank you.

Well, in the life of every chambers, as in every family, changes take place.

Some happy, others not so happy.

And to get over the sadness first.

Young Charles Hearthstoke has not been with us long.

Only three months, in fact.

Three months too long.

But I'm sure we all came to respect his energy and drive.

However, Charles has told me that he wasn't happy with the criminal side of our work.

Oh, dear.

He found it somewhat distasteful.

So he is joining a commercial set in Middle Temple.

Oh.

HILDA: Well done.

BALLARD: We're sorry Charles has had to leave us before he could put into practice some most interesting ideas he had.

Probert, you're not upset he's going, right?

Shut up, Rumpole.

I'm perfectly all right.

Now I come to happier news.

From time to time, the Lord Chancellor confers upon tried and trusted members of the bar-- Like Rumpole.

--the honor of choosing them to sit as assistant recorder.

Yes, we know he does.

So we may find ourselves appearing before one of our colleagues and be able to discover his wisdom and impartiality on the bench.

You may have Ballard before you, Rumpole.

This little party financed, and I might say, by Claude Erskine-Brown-- It's so kind of Claude-- --it's to announce that he will be sitting from time to time at Snaresbrook and Inner London, where we wish him every happiness.

Claude.

[chatter] He will be sitting?

Claude Erskine-Brown?

What's happened, Rumpole?

My sitting is like Ibiza, Hilda?

It's no longer necessary.

Oh.

Well done, Claude.

I've only got one bit of advice for you.

Oh, what's that, Rumpole?

Let everyone off?

[laughter] No, no.

Something much more important.

Never pay by credit card, old love.

[theme music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [audio logo]