(♪ Radio plays Orff's "Carmina Burana") (Train whooshes) (Whistles) (inaudible) (Shouting) (I Punk music) (Shouting) (I Punk music) (Train clatters) - Hello, Henry.

- Good afternoon, Mr Cracknell.

- Any messages?

- Just a cheque come through, s. Oh, great.

Where is everybody?

They're at the Chambers meeting in Mr Featherstone's room.

Oh.

We have these get-togethers regy to discuss major policy decisio.

Very democratic.

Oh, and I've put your applicatin to join us on the agenda.

- Featherstone will put it to t. - Oh, much obliged, I'm sure.

(Featherstone) Well, all assemb?

This will be... Oh, I'm sorry.

This will be our first Chambersg in the absence of a once famili.

He's referring to Rumpole, who's at last retired from the .

Oh, yes?

This set became known as Rumpols Chambers, very galling for us.

For the benefit of newcomers, I'll explain.

Rumpole's no longer with us.

He's given up the law.

His son has been trying to get m to live in America.

It seems he's succeeded.

He has a son at the University of Miami.

We thought we'd never get rid o, kept giving him farewell dinner!

All the same, Chambers isn't Ch, not without Rumpole.

I quite agree.

We've at last gof the stink of cheap cigars in th.

There do seem to be fewer villas loitering about Chambers.

Do you know, I recall once, one of Rumpole's clients rolled up the waiting room carpt and took it away in a holdall.

I shall no longer have the embarrassment of judges raising the question of Rumpole's hat as a disgrace to the legal prof.

However, l-|-l digress.

Er, Rumpole's final retirement,h delayed as Uncle Tom reminds us.

He kept making his positively last farewell appearance.

Like a bloody opera singer.

Rumpole's final departure has lt a considerable gap in our ranks.

You might say the loss of one Rumpole has made room for at least two other members of the Bar.

We are fortunate indeed Owen Glr Owen has joined us from Cardiff, with his useful connections in car insurance.

Hear, hear.

They call me 'Knock for knock O' in the valleys.

(Laughs) Er, yes, I-I'd like to take this opportunity to raise the questin of the other candidate who might share Rumpole's room with you, (Handout Owen.

Now, Cracknell has been with usr the past few months as a squatt.

I must say it doesn't do a greal for the reputation of Chambers having a man turning up at the n Sessions on a motor bicycle.

Cracknell?

Is that the fellow ws as if he's just dropped in from?

I saw him in the Clerk's room.

I assumed he'd come to deliver a telegram.

Oh, yes, yes, I know you're all against Ken.

Well, erm, young Henry tells met Cracknell gets a fair amount of.

That is absolutely right.

He's doing a long fraud with yo, then a dirty books case in the .

Do we want dirty books in Chamb?

Probably more amusing than the Law Reports, eh?

And Cracknell tells me he's keeo cases connected with Civil Righ.

- Exactly.

- What's wrong with Civil Right?

Better than Civil wrongs, wouldn't you say?

Of course, Ken is a radical law.

I know that's the sort you don't want to have the key to the lav, like women and blacks.

Darling, what's come over you?

Oh, blacks!

They tried to wish a Hindu on us once.

I voted for you, old fella, even though you're Welsh.

I've had the chance of seeing Kn in action once or twice at Bow , and believe it or not, Ken Cracl is a very attractive advocate.

Hello, Ken.

- Oh, aren't squatters invited?

- Yes, of course.

Help yourself.

You won't be a squatter for eve.

We've been discussing the positn of accommodation in Chambers, now Rumpole's left.

Everyone's always talking about Rumpole.

I've never met the man.

(Rumpole) "Kentish Town mystery.

The Honourable Rory Canter, "younger brother of Lord Freith and wealthy Hampshire landowner, "stabbed to death in Tube stati" My God, that is a mystery!

What's an Honourable doing down the Tube like a common barriste?

Good Lord!

(Girl squeals) - That's nice, Rumpole.

- Mmm.

- Rumpole!

- What's nice, Hilda?

Her Majesty the Queen honours Mrs Whitehouse and Mrs Thatcher's milkman.

Oh, to be in England now that Maggie's there.

Mmm.

"Mr Canter had abandoned his Volvo estate car "and gone down the Underground."

The honourable gentleman must have been a Tube spotter.

I'd wish you'd stop worrying about things like that, Rumpole, now I've persuaded you to retir.

Hilda, you did not persuade me to retire.

His Honour, Judge Bullingham, persuaded me to retire.

I lost ten cases in a row before the Mad Bull.

I'm sick of leaving the Bailey with the screams of outraged relatives in my ear.

I couldn't have shovelled more customers into Wandsworth if I'd joined the Old Bill.

I think Nick and I rescued you just in time, Rumpole.

You were looking distinctly see.

Huh, not half as seedy as my cl.

I used to sneak down the Temple Station every night like Napoleon retreating from M. But, Rumpole, we're here in this marvellous climate.

We shall have Christmas in the sunshine.

Yes, excellent climate I'm sure, if you happen to be an orange.

Nick's inviting university fries over for a barbecue, poolside.

He's asked the Professor of Law, so you'll have someone to talk .

Oh, what can I say to him?

I'm not a lawyer any more.

Why would a man abandon his car and dive down the Tube?

Oh, well, never mind.

Can't possibly be my business n. 'Farewell the ancient court.

'Farewell the wigged troupe and old judge that made oppression .

'O farewell, pride, pomp and circumstance 'of glorious London Sessions.

'Rumpole's occupation's gone.'

(Horns blaring) Take me to Coral Gables, please.

- It's a sunshine day.

- Come again?

It's a sunshine day for you and.

Praise to the Eternal Sun, our sunshine message.

- You selling something?

- Sunlight!

I have no need of double-glazin, patio doors or picture windows.

We might open a few windows on your soul at Meet and Talk.

What?

We shall meet and talk as surels seeds grow in sunlight.

- We shall meet and talk.

- Excuse me.

I've got to get home, my son's giving a party poolsid.

Sunlight to the Children of the.

Blood to the Children of the Da.

A very happy Christmas to you, .

(Knocking) (Woman) Mr Simpson!

Come on, Mr Simpson.

You've got to get up sometime.

How are they going to do withouu down the Inland Revenue?

Let me in, dear, if you're feeling poorly.

Go away, will you?

Please go aw.

This total stranger comes up to me in the street and hands me a sunburnt daisy and suggests we meet and talk.

Meet and talk about what?

Well, it may seem crazy to you,, but people here like to rap about garden life and such like.

Mmm, I thought of charging him my usual conference fee.

You're going to have to learn hw to communicate with strangers now you've given up the rat rac.

- Oh, I'm not sure I like that.

- What?

The world I used to inhabit.

Cloud-capped assize courts.

The solemn temple, great globe of the Old Bailey i. Penge Bungalow Murders and the great Grimsby Fish Fraud.

Is that all it was, a rat race?

Erica!

Excuse me, Dad.

- Nick, what is this fluid?

- That's claret, Dad.

- Californian claret.

- Claret, is it?

It's not bad.

Chateau de Menthe Gulch.

Ah, it reminds me of the old das to see you cooking on a camp fi.

- Remember the beach at Lowesto?

- I must have been nine.

Good God!

- Nick.

- Thanks.

Don't you think Dad will be able to make a space here?

I think he'll be able to find himself.

Oh, I don't know.

I might not le myself once I've found me.

Anybody home?

(Erica) Hi.

Come on in.

Dad, this is Professor Nathan Bd of the Law Faculty.

Honoured to meet you, honoured to welcome a trial lawyer from .

Oh, am I a trial lawyer?

I always thought I'd passed the.

This is my mother.

- Delighted meeting you.

- How do you do.

Oh, I'll get you some drinks.

Mum, Dad, this is Tiffany.

Tiffany Jones and Paul.

Paul Hayes, from the Department of English and European literat.

- Nick tells us you're retired .

- Oh, yes, I've dropped out.

I've bought a couple of sunshine shirts and... Hilda and I spend our days bumming round the beach.

(Laughter) You've found time to breathe a ?

Oh, strangely enough I used to breathe down the Old Bailey.

Drinks, everyone.

- Miss Jones, is it?

- Oh, please, Tiffany.

Ah.

What department are you in?

Statistics.

I cover the economie of Nick's Department of Sociolo.

Ah, yeah.

(US accent) How many one parent families in non-supportive situ, in inter-city areas take to pinching milk bottles?

It's a lot of crap, isn't it?

Wherever we come from, we can as choose between God and the Devi.

Can we?

Fate dealt me an old del called Judge Bullingham for ten cases running.

Anyone can choose between them, as sure as seed grows in sunshi.

We must meet and talk on this subject, meet and talk.

You Americans are so hospitable.

Well, erm, you and Dad are welce here for as long as you like.

For ever.

(Hilda) Do you hear that, Rumpo?

- She Who Must Be Obeyed.

- Are you listening, Rumpole?

- Er, what's that, Hilda?

- Erica says we're welcome for .

What do you say to that?

Have you anything to say why sentence of death should not be passed upon you?

- I'll tell you a bit of law.

- I wish my students could hear.

Mrs Rumpole, I'm getting your hd to give a seminar in the Law Fa.

That's very thoughtful, Professor Blowfield, but I really do want Rumpole to.

There was this old Lord Chief J.

...an enormously unlovable char.

Used to order muffins in his clb after passing death sentences.

Well, on this occasion he was at to pass sentence in the usual m, the Clerk said to the murderer, "Have you anything to say "why sentence of death should not be passed upon you?"

The murderer said, "Bugger all, me Lord."

The Chief turned to the murderer's counsel, a nervous fellow called Bleaks, "Mr Bleaks, did your client say something?"

"Er, er, 'Bugger all, my Lord'."

"How extraordinary, I could've sworn I saw his lips move."

Poor Nick.

He was brought up on that story.

It was Winnie the Pooh to him.

Er, Mr Rumpole, what would you say was the most important case during your care?

The most important was undoubtey the Penge Bungalow Murders.

The Penge Bungalow?

Well, what did that decide, exa?

It decided that Rumpole could wn a murder alone and without a le.

Did it turn on a nice point of ?

Oh, no, Professor.

It turned on a nice drop of blo.

I - I just thought I'd slip roud to the cleaners.

All right then, Mr Simpson.

I know.

I've sinned.

You're saying you're guilty, aren't you?

How long you known this man, Hu?

How long have you known Honourae Rory Canter, the one you cut?

- I didn't know him.

- Don't lie to us, lad.

It's true.

I'd never seen him b.

Course, I knew he'd come, somet.

- So, you went after him?

- No!

Oh, what's the use?

They'll never let me escape now.

This in your handwriting, Huber?

- Pretty strange sort of letter.

- Perhaps.

To you.

It's written in blood, isn't it?

Look, we've had the forensic on this document.

You wrote this in the blood of the gentleman you knifed.

His blood?

No.

It's not his blo!

Hubert...

Unless, something miraculous... You're lying to us again, lad.

That's no use, you know.

Of course.

Nothing's any use.

They've got the power.

I can't fight it.

He can't fight it.

He tells the police he's guilty.

The knife's in his dustbin.

He's identified by at least three witnesses, and he writes some spooky letter in his victim's blood.

The defence is as dead as mutto.

- A defence Rumpole would've en.

- Just my bloody luck!

This solicitor mate picks up a fabulous legal aid case for me at Hampstead Magistrate's Court.

I thought I'm going to do my first murder on my own and score a triumphant victory.

Now, no way.

In fact, I'm going to be a triumphant loser.

- That letter in blood... - The jury's going to love that.

You don't only knife a member of the aristocracy, but you use him as an ink-well to write your correspondence.

It's a case that's going to do my career at the Bar no good at.

I must say, Ken, you're frightfy ambitious for a radical lawyer.

Even radical lawyers are meant to win their cases.

Erm, do you fancy a hamburger or something, then we can talk .

I can't, Ken.

Honestly.

My husband will have dinner rea.

French traditional from the "Observer" supplement.

Ring him, tell him you've been kept late in Chambers.

- A late con.

- No, I can't.

- Another time.

- Another time.

- You promise?

- All right.

I promise.

Er, look, Ken, about that defence of yours, there is somebody who really knows about blood stains.

Professor Ackerman.

He's giving evidence for the Prosecution.

No.

Someone as good as Ackerman.

I could write to him, if you li.

(Grating noise) (Woman) Good morning, Mr Rumpol.

- A letter from London, England.

- Oh, really?

- Have a nice day now.

- Yeah.

Rumpole?

- Something in the post?

- No, Hilda.

Just a little gossip from Chamb.

- You look happier today, Dad.

- Do I?

Where you going to?

Erica's taking me down to the drug store.

Oh, what's the matter?

Feeling seedy, are you?

Don't be ridiculous, Rumpole, to get ice-cream and candy.

She Who Must Be Obeyed is beginning to learn American.

Now then.

(Muttering) Ah!

"The Importance Of Blood Stains In Forensic Evidence".

"Professor Andrew Ackerman, MRCP, FC Path".

Lovely.

I wonder if the Professor's ever received a letter written in the victim's blood?

There we are.

Blood stains on clothing, on fl, on innocent bystanders.

No.

Oh, come on, Ackerman, me old darling, you must have considered this p. Vanished?

She couldn't have just vanished.

She spent yesterday selling her.

How the hell do you disappear without a car?

- Nick!

- Dad.

What are you doing here?

I've just taken your name in va, borrowed a library book.

- Morning.

- Morning.

You're looking incredibly serio.

- We have a mystery on our hand.

- Mystery?

Fate's been rather generous with mysteries lately.

Tiffany Jones seems to have disappeared.

My girlfriend.

Oh, yes, of course, the statist?

Do statisticians ever disappear?

She'll be back, I guess.

I don't suppose it's anything.

Maybe she melted away in the sunshine.

Yes, erm, if you'll excuse me, I have a class to get to.

- Be seeing you, Counsellor.

- Yes, probably.

Nick, I've got to talk to you.

I can buy you lunch.

Not in the canteen though, somey keeps dropping nuts into the sa.

What manner of stimulant is tha?

It's the Pilot's Paradise Punch.

Try it.

There's no way of drinking it without getting a nose full of .

- Listen, Dad... - Where's the straw?

Dad, if it's about money, look, just forget it.

There's absolutely no hurry.

I know you'll chip in when you .

It's not about money.

Listen, Nick, when I finally gave match point to his Honour Judge Bullingham and hung up my wig, if I'm not mistaken, a great sih of relief went up in Chambers, but now they've discovered they can't do without me.

- They want me back.

- Dad, what are you cooking up?

I've received a letter from Miss Phyllida Trant.

It seems they've got a murder wh raises a few nice questions on , so the cry has gone up from Equity Court in the Temple, "Bring back Rumpole!"

You're thinking of going back.

- Dad... - Ah!

What on earth is that?

It's a frozen fork for your sal.

Look, Dad, I wanted... Good Lord!

And this?

Thousand Island dressing.

It takes a thousand islands to e salad cream and tomato sauce?

Excuse me, I'll just "chambrer" my fork.

I just thought, and Erica thought this, too, I thought now we could really get to know one another.

Oh, come on, Nick.

You've always known me better than anybody.

Besides, you wouldn't like to watch an old man dying of boredom in the sunshin, would you?

- What do you want to do?

- I want to go home, Nick.

You're in our home, Dad.

Yes, I know, dear old lad.

But it's not mine.

Travelling narrows the mind extraordinarily.

And what about Mum?

I intend to have every considern for your mother's feelings.

(Means) Rumpole?

(Whispers) Goodbye, Hilda.

Er, Gaelic, please.

'Gaelic Airlines, who offer youl the luxury of the Bakerloo Line.

'...plus the element of fear.'

(Laughter) Oh, come on!

What about that hamburger?

- Not tonight.

- Why not?

Claude's booked the babysitter.

We're going to Festival Hall.

- Look, Ken, I promise... - What?

I promise I'll turn you over in my mind during the Verdi Req.

- Thank you very much.

- We will be together tomorrow.

For a hamburger?

For our long firm fraud down the Old Bailey.

- Who's that?

- What?

Up there, in my room.

- Good Lord!

- What?

I only wrote him a letter.

What have I done?

(Cracknell) Can I help you?

No thanks, I've got what I want.

- Don't think we've met?

- We haven't.

I'm Ken Cracknell.

Ah, new in the Clerk's Room, are you, Ken?

I hope Henry hasn't been caught in the coffee money.

- Horace Rumpole.

- I'm not a clerk.

I'm a member of the Bar.

I was a squatter.

I hope you're not going to squat in here.

I was a squatter until they knew that you were retiring for good.

Featherstone gave me a place in Chambers, your place, Rumpol.

I share this room with Glendour Owen... Guthrie Featherstone, QC, MP, our head of Chambers, gave you my place?

With full support of a Chambers meeting.

By the way, that's my brief you're covering with cigar ash.

R v Simpson, it's a murder.

Ah, yes!

A case where I gather from Miss, you're out of your depth.

I've come over to see if I can p on the question of blood.

Thank you.

It's my first murder and I intend to cope with it on.

That's the spirit in which I tok on the Penge Bungalow Murders.

You've got your line of defence worked out?

We'll talk about it in the morn.

Two heads are always better tha.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I would be obliged if you kept private reading matter at home.

- I get very sensitive criminal.

- That is not my reading matter!

Those are exhibits in an Obscene Publications case.

Obscenity, murder!

You're leadig an exciting life, for one so yo.

I'll talk to our Head of Chambes about you in the morning.

See if we can fix you up with a little annexe.

I just don't believe it.

If he's back so soon, I don't know why he left.

He left, because he lost ten cas in a row before Judge Bullingha.

He got deeply depressed about i. I only wrote him a letter.

It's probably just a visit, he won't be staying long.

I gave you full warning.

Always bobbing back, making his positively last appe.

Anyway, Mr Featherstone wants to see him, he'll sort it out, .

And now then, how much longer in your fraud, Mr Cracknell?

Another couple of weeks, Henry.

I'm afraid it will clash with your Obscenity up north.

We have to return the brief, then there's the murder coming .

You'll be getting awfully rich, for a radical lawyer.

I can't leave the fraud, Henry,o I may have to give up the dirty.

(Clears throat) Horace!

(Laughs) My dear old Horace!

How good of you to look us up while you're in England.

We've all missed you terribly.

As everyone says, Chambers justt Chambers without old Horace Rum.

- Is that what they say?

- Hardly a day goes by.

'Our Head of Chambers looks like an heroic Macbeth, 'forcing himself to invite Banqs ghost to take a seat.

"'Would he care for a cigarette' - Would you care for a cigarett?

- No thanks.

And you look so well, so remarkably well.

I've never seen you looking bet.

Hilda enjoying it there?

I'm su.

Oh, She Who Must is perfectly content, thank you.

She was never particularly interested in blood.

- I'm not quite with you, Horac.

- I've had enough compassionate.

I've come to fight it out down the Old Bailey.

Horace, do you think that's wis?

You-you-you were looking dreadfully tired, as I remember.

"Oh, for my peace will I go far as Wanderers do, that still do .

"But find my strengths, such ase here in my bosom and at home."

- Horace... - Ben Johnson, if you remember.

- Farewell to the world.

- Rumpole...

This is my home, Featherstone.

These chambers have been my home for 40 years.

And, as you so aptly put it, "Chambers just isn't Chambers without old Horace Rumpole".

Rumpole...

I am glad you said that about missing me.

Up to now I hadn't noticed the red carpet, cut flowers on the desk, courtesy of the Management.

I poked my nose in the Clerk's , champagne was flowing like ceme.

(Laughs) Well, the fact is, er...you see, my dear Horace, your coming back would rather rock the boat of Chambers.

I am back.

Since your departure we've taken on two new members.

We reckoned you were worth at least two barristers so we've put two in your room, Glendour Owen and Ken Cracknell.

I've met young Cracknell.

He's got himself a nice murder.

I might just be able to help hi, well lead him perhaps.

- Ken's got your room, Rumpole.

- He was hanging about in my ro.

Quite welcome, as long as he dot continue to litter the place with licentious comics.

How were we to know that you were ever coming back?

It's a fait accompli.

We've given Ken a seat, and Glendour Owen, who has a hue practice in motor insurance.

(Laughs) 'Knock for knock Owen' they call him on the Welsh circ.

We've promised them both seats.

Well, can't you find them seats in some passage?

- We've promised them a room.

- Well, rent more accommodation.

- Think big, Featherstone, expa.

- I'm afraid we can't afford it.

We've got to cut back, reduce our cash flow.

England is in for four years ha.

Are you trying to tell me, Featherstone, in your devious and political kind of way, that there is no room for Rumpole at the inn?

I'm afraid, Horace, that that is exactly it.

I see.

Well, I know exactly what I sha.

Go back to Florida?

Of course you should.

Huh, I'm sure we all envy you the sunshine and-and-and wish you many long and happy ye.

Back to Florida?

No, I don't think so.

I'm going to give up being an o. I shall squat.

Hello, hello?

Is that Austin, Swink & Pardoner of Gri?

Mr Handyside, please.

Did you say Handyside?

Not old Albert!

Ah, Albert!

It's Mr Cracknell's Clerk here..

It's about our Obscenity in the north.

Mr Cracknell's going to be tiedp down the Old Bailey for two wee.

- Miss Trant's in the case with.

- Henry.

Mr Glendour Owen?

- He's doing a long rape in Swa.

- Henry.

I'm sorry I can't oblige you.

There just isn't anyone in Cham.

Henry, a moment of your valuabl.

Mr Rumpole, I am on the telepho.

Yes, to Albert Handyside who was my Clerk when you were in rompe!

I'd like a word with him when you've finished.

Put him throug.

- Will you be in Mr Cracknell's?

- I'll be in Mr Rumpole's room!

Albert, Mr Rumpole would like a word with you.

(Buzzes) Hello?

Albert Handyside?

(Laughs) Yes, it is.

How are you, Albert?

How are the tomato plants, flourishing, are they?

Oh, yes, December.

Yes, I am and I'm delighted.

Henry tells me we're doing a cae in Grimble, looking forward to .

Oh, he didn't tell you?

He told.

Well, I expect it slipped his m. Yes, I'll put you back on to hi, you can make sure I'm available.

Oh, yes, quite a lot, I'm snowed under in fact, but I'll find time to squeeze your little Obscenity in.

Yes, so am I looking forward to.

All right.

Give my love to Lancashire.

Bye.

Henry, Albert wants a word with.

Quite like old times.

- Isn't that Cracknell's brief?

- Er, yes, yes.

Just erm, just having a friendly look at it.

You must be Glendour Owen by the sound of you?

Yes.

I share this room with Cracknell.

Oh, well, always welcome, of co.

But, er, I'm afraid things are going to be a bit of a crush until we get things, er, sorted.

But you can find yourself a corner...somewhere.

- Rumpole... - Glendour Owen.

I was given to...

It seems Albert Handyside wants to instruct you in this Obsceni, Mr Cracknell being in a difficu.

Does he really?

Good old Albert.

I'll try and squeeze it in of c. I don't mind doing returns until things get going again, H. - Things, Mr Rumpole?

- Yes, my practice, Henry.

- Solicitors been asking for me?

- No, sir.

Not exactly.

Seems the word's got around, si, about you losing all those cases down the Bailey.

A protracted run of Judge Bulli, Glendour Owen.

That won't happen again.

How long will you be staying?

Yes, Rumpole.

How long will you be staying?

Well, I don't really know.

There's nothing the matter with the ticker, thank God.

And a good intake of claret keeps me astonishingly regular.

I could be here what, oh, ten, fifteen years.

Gentlemen in Chambers getting their own work, Mr Rumpole?

It's not in the best traditions of the Bar.

"Not in the best traditions of the Bar."

He sounds like Judge Bullingham.

- Rumpole... - Glendour Owen.

Let's get one thing clear... You're not the Glendour Owen, the one that does the car insur?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact,.

I didn't realise.

I was a guest at the Sheridan Club last night.

The Lord Chancellor was talking about you.

The Lord Chancellor?

"That 'Knock for knock' Owen, does all the car insurance.

"Make a wonderful circuit judge, just the type we need in Wales."

- Oh, he couldn't speak too hig.

- A judge?

I've never even considered the .

Well, consider it, Owen.

Turn it over in your mind when e on the Tube to Uxbridge County .

The Lord Chancellor's got his eye on you.

"The expense of spirit in a wase of shame is lust in action, "and till action lust is perjur, murderous, bloody, full of blam, "savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust.

"Enjoyed no sooner but despised straight.

"Past reason hunted "and no sooner had, past reason hated, "as a swallowed bait on purposed to make the taker mad."

(HHdE) Rumpole?

Yes, Hilda.

- Hilda?

- Rumpole!

Where are you, Rumpole?

I know perfectly well you're he.

I can smell your cigar.

Rumpole!

Ah, Hilda.

What a lovely surpri.

Why weren't you at the airport?

Well, I can hardly be expected g around Heathrow every night, in the vain hope that you're gog to descend from the skies.

- I wired you.

- You what-ed me?

- I sent you a telegram.

- A telegram?

You certainly did!

Oh, well I must have thought it was from the Inland Revenue.

This place looks like a rubbish tip, Rumpole.

I don't suppose you've done any washing up.

And why has the 'To Let' sign been taken down?

- Because I'm living here.

- Why are you living here?

- Because it's my home, Hilda.

- Our home was in America.

We were perfectly happy there.

You were perfectly happy there, Hilda.

Sneaking away like that, leaving me that ridiculous note, telling me to stay behind and be happy.

I hated you, Rumpole.

What is at the bottom of all this, hmm?

Hmm?

What is at the bottom of your extraordinary behaviour, hmm?

I shall find out.

You can't hide anything from me, Rumpole.

I knew it was too good to last.

"School Girl Capers - Number Fo.

Where the devil is...?

- Rumpole?

- Ah, Featherstone!

You play golf with old Keith from the Lord Chancellor's offi!

Couldn't you do something with that Celt that hangs round my r?

(Handout Owen'?

Breaking his heart to be a Circuit judge.

Couldn't you do something?

There must be vast, lawless strs of Wales where he could be usef.

Rumpole... Can't you see I'm about to have a conference?

I hope this is a one-off, Rumpo.

Where the hell is "Schoolgirl Capers - Number ?

Henry tells me you've helped yof to this Obscenity.

I trust you won't make a habit , we haven't got the accommodatio.

I've beet making a habit of it for over 40 years, Featherstone.

(Buzzing) Hello, Henry?

Oh, old Albert's here and the c?

Shoot 'em in, will you?

- I'll talk to you later, Rumpo.

- Yeah.

I happen to be sitting on the Committee on Pornography.

I wonder if I could have a glane at those, er, magazines later?

Purely as a matter of public du, of course.

Oh, dear.

This Alderman Pertwee, Chairman of the Watch Committee, Member of the Festival of Light, President of Clean-up-Grimble Sy comes into my Sowerby Street shp while I'm out at a Rotary lunch.

Mr Meacher owns Adult Reading Mt with 20 branches in the north of England.

'Eldorado, a promise of briefs ' And my damn fool of an assistant, Dobbs, only sells him 150 quid's wortht reading matter, films and visua.

Of course, Pertwee's round to the constable with them in five.

Mr Rumpole'll have your defence worked out, Mr Meacher.

I'd like to go for this Pertwee.

The man's a hypocrite.

There's been nasty rumours about the Alderman.

Mr Meacher, this adult reading matter of yo, is it put forward as something likely to drive a young man's fy wild with unsatisfied desire?

To conjure up for the lonely and unfulfilled citizens of Grie the abandoned delights of the bed chamber?

Well, to be quite honest with you, yes.

Let's be really honest, Mr Meacher, no.

There is only one word for this rubbish, off-putting.

The Prosecution could have doneu under the Trade Descriptions Ac.

I'm not with you, Mr Rumpole.

Mr Meacher, what are the least aphrodisiac conceptions, the things most deadening to lu?

Income Tax?

Flannel vests?

Fish fingers?

Woollen socks worn with sandals?

Party Political broadcasts?

No, no, in my opinion they all come a very bad second to "Schoolgirl Capers" and "Doue Bondage in the Tower of Terror".

Oh, and you can throw in "Manace Darling" as an additional extra.

- Mr Rumpole!

- "Schoolgirl Capers"?

There isn't a schoolgirl in there under 40.

However, attractive as it woulde to point out that this material is merely a boring waste of mon, I shall not take that line.

I'm very glad to hear it.

This is a serious case.

Very serious, Mr Meacher, far more serious than that tripe taken away by Alderman Pertwee.

That is stock valued at 150 pou.

Stock valued above gold, Mr Mea!

Our priceless heritage.

The birthright of the Briton, freedom of speech, Mr Meacher.

That is how we are going to win this one.

- You mind?

I'm having a confer.

- This is my room!

Some other time.

I must talk to you about that mr of yours, I've had a few ideas,.

"Words," we shall say to the ju, "words must be free."

For freedom is indivisible.

Man has the freedom to read the boldest speculations, the most dazzling philosophy, to question God, to explore the universe, to follow poetry into the most exquisite sensuality or the finest religious ecstasy.

So, must he have the freedom tot his brains on "Schoolgirl Caper?

I utterly deplore that rubbish u are selling, Mr Meacher, but I will defend to the death anyone's right to read it.

I like it.

I mean, I really lik.

As a defence, if I might say, it has a certain amount of clas.

(Chuckles) Oh dear, oh dear.

What are you reading now, Rumpo?

The obituaries.

Oh, that makes a change, I supp.

Change?

I always read the obituaries in "The Times".

"His Lordship, Freddie Foxgrove, is dead."

Judge Jeffries without the laug.

Is that really lively enough reading for you, Rumpole?

The obituaries can never be lively reading.

Are you feeling all right, Hild?

I'm not sure, Rumpole.

Are you?

What?

Feeling quite all right, because if you're not for any r, I asked Dr MacClintock to call n this evening for a glass of she.

I've never felt better in my li.

Yes, well, he's only dropping in for a friendly call.

You could discuss with him any little difficulties you may be having about anythin.

I've got to get an early train to Grimble tomorrow.

Grimble.

Isn't that where you did the cae with that actress?

Ah, yes.

What are you going to Grimble for this time?

Sex.

Well, some would say sex.

Some would say...freedom.

Oh, my God!

Splendid sherry, Rumpole.

Amontillado?

Pommeroy's Pale Plonk.

Doctor, I hope you don't mind me asking you, but why have you dropped in like this?

I mean, apart from mopping up the Spanish-style rot gut.

Rumpole, Hilda came to see me.

Oh, she's feeling seedy, is she?

Ah, she should have stayed planted in the sun.

I told her she should never have come over to England this time.

She was concerned about you, Rumpole.

Do you really like that stuff?

I stick to claret myself.

As I explained to Hilda, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't feel ashamed about drinking... Everyone has their little kinks, their little peculiarities.

You know, sometimes a doctor wonders if there's any such thing as a normal man.

Do you?

Now, I have been married to Mar, as you know, for going on 30 ye.

Yes, how is the good lady?

And I can't say that I've nevern tempted to throw the whole thin.

I-I won't say for a gym slip and a pair of pigtails but... What you?

You, too?

Sometimes I think the whole world's going.

But we've got to try and see ths in proportion, Rumpole.

Now, it's nothing to be guilty .

Good.

Hilda was telling me you're up north tomorrow.

- Ah, that's right, yes.

- Ah, the best thing.

A bit of a winter break.

Ah, Marcia and I went to Malta last year.

You're not going with anyone, are you, Rumpole?

- No, of course not!

- Well, that's what I said to h. I said I didn't think anyone would be interested in going to the north of Englan, er, with you, Rumpole.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, no, no.

I hope this has made you feel better.

As a matter of fact, I feel considerably worse now.

You're not to worry, Rumpole.

You see, we all have our little guilty secrets.

We all have, problems.

'I dare say.

But why does this k have to work his out on my sher' What's the use?

I can't fight against them, not the miracle workers.

Mr Simpson, you've certainly got a difficult case.

But Mr Cracknell's a barrister who's had a good deal of succes.

I've briefed him in a lot of ca.

They can change the blood.

They can change the blood on a piece of paper.

How can I fight against that?

He's got a whole lot of acquitts to his credit.

I have sinned.

L-|-l appreciate... What can I do?

Mr Simpson, who had the knife?

He gave me the knife.

They wanted me to kill myself.

That's the cunning of them, you.

So you had the knife, Mr Simpso?

Now, why did you use it?

I'm so tired.

Was it sex, Mr Simpson?

Had he e down there to make sexual advan?

Were you trying to fight him of?

That's the defence that appeals.

He was that sort of bloke, Eton and the Guards.

That sort of character, your class 'A' gay.

Please, I can't say any more.

Come on, Ken, you'll pull off something.

You've always done up till now.

You don't want a silk, do you?

Not a silk, no.

But perhaps a very experienced member of the Junior Bar.

You know, Mike, if you've got to insult an aristocratic corps, grey hair might be a help.

An experienced junior?

Who?

You got any ideas?

Alderman Pertwee, did you visit the Adult Book Mat in Sowerby Street on the afternoon of January 10t?

I did, Your Honour, and I found books and magazines of the most flagrant immorality on open display.

Your Honour, I must object.

Yes, Mr Rumpole?

If the Alderman could restrain himself from treating us like a Sunday night gathering in the Baptist Chapel.

Confine yourself to the evidenc, if you would, Alderman Pertwee.

It will be for members of the jy to decide on the exact nature of the articles for sale in the bookshop.

And, Alderman, did you purchase at that shop the following arti, "Schoolgirl Capers", volume one, numbers one to six, "Double Bondage in the Tower of Terror", "Manacle Me Darling", and the five films the jury have already seen?

I did, Your Honour.

Now, just a few questions, Alderman Lancelot Pertwee.

You say that this shop, The Adult and Continental Book , is a source of corruption?

I regard it as a terrible source of corruption.

Oh, standing, as it does, between a betting shop and the off-licence of the Grimble ?

Who is more corruptible, Alderm, the punters or the boozers?

I object.

How can this witness possibly answer such...?

Oh, can you not?

I thought you e here as an expert on corruption.

Does not the Grimble Arms have Topless A-Go-Go on the bar as an attraction on Friday?

I believe that it does.

It's regrettable.

Well, don't you think it's preferable to have sex neatly packaged in books and magazines, rather than knocking over pints of Newcastle Brown? "

(Laughter) " (Judge) Silence!

I don't know.

I've never been to the Grimble Arms on a Friday, nor to any other bar, either.

I am a total abstainer.

Not from the bookshops, however.

Tell me, there are no convent ss or kindergartens in Sowerby Str, are there?

- No, there are not, but... - Abide me no buts, Alderman.

Does not the Adult Book Mart have written over the door in large letters, "Entry to Minors Prohibited"?

I can think of no sign, Mr Rump, more immediately attractive to modern youth.

Be that as it may, there were no kiddiewinks preset when you were in the shop?

Not when I was there, no.

In fact, the clientele consisted of three middle-aged gentlemen during their middle-class lunch.

Oh, I know, perhaps they were al Aldermen of the fair city of Gr.

They were all middle-aged men.

- Of perfectly respectable appe?

- I suppose so.

No one was actually slavering at the mouth or walking around with their kns brushing the linoleum?

I really don't understand what my learned friend is getti.

The Prosecution says that this rubbish depraves and corru.

Er, it's not rubbish, Mr Rumpol.

The Defendant will remain silen.

It's adult reading matter of an exotic nature.

This 'unmitigated rubbish' which you encouraged, Alderman, by spending £150 on assorted magazines and films.

- Was that ratepayers' money?

- I took a float, yes.

Er, when I made this investigatn on behalf of my committee.

Oh, and do the ratepayers of Grimble know you are spending their hard-eard pennies on "Schoolgirl Capers"?

Mr Rumpole, no doubt you have me questions to ask Alderman Pertw?

- A few, Your Honour.

Only a fe.

- Then, we might have them tomo.

Meanwhile, members of the jury d these books and er, magazines.

There's absolutely no need to bore the jury, Your Honour.

The Defence will rely on general principles, our ancient freedoms, above all, the freedom of speech.

Your Honour, I would like the jy to read every single word.

There you are, members of the j, the Prosecution's always far moe interested in sex than we are.

(Telephone rings) Hello.

Rumpole, what are you doing?

What are you up to?

Hey... What?

Nothing special happened last n, Hilda, we were reading the porn.

PornograPhY- Well, I don't know how long.

Another night at least.

Hilda.

Hilda!

(Man) Oh, very clear.

Thank you very much indeed.

And a very good day to you, too, Mrs Pertwee.

- What did you call her?

- Albert called her Mrs Pertwee.

That's who she is, wife of the Alderman!

She came about her divorce, but wants you to use her statemt to cross-examine her husband.

Go on, you read that.

It'll straighten your hair, it .

I'm used to a respectable busin.

He's been keeping this young gil up Pond End, been going on for .

And she had to leave as she faid to agree to a certain practice.

It's all in there, read it!

No, Mr Meacher.

I told you, we are going to win this case on liberty, on the freedom for everyone, including Alderman Pertwee, to please themselves, to do as they like, providing they don't do it in the street and frighten the .

"It is not to be thought of "that the flood of British free, "which to the open sea of the ws praise from dark antiquity "hath flowed with pomp of waters unwithstood, should perish."

(Clears throat) Members of the jury, freedom is indivisible.

You cannot pick and choose with freedom.

And if we allow freedom for thes we cherish and hold dear, so must we allow the same freedm to opinions we detest, and even to works of such unmitigated rubbish as "Schoolgirl Capers" volume one, numbers one to six.

Let those who wish to read them, do so.

They will soon weary of the chas of elderly schoolgirls.

You and I, members of the jury, stand, do we not, for tolerance?

We are not intolerant of Alderman Pertwee.

He has the freedom to express his opinions.

We do not seek to call him a hypocrite or have him banned.

Ours is the tolerant approach.

And if we are tolerant in great matters, so must we be in the little trivial matter of these puerile magazines.

For once we start in the business of censorship, and the banning of books, at that moment we say... farewell to freedom.

Eighteen bloody months!

Yes, well, try and look on the cheerful side, Mr Meache.

You'll be in an open prison, hobnobbing with bent coppers, twisted solicitors, all the tof.

I wouldn't be in prison if you'd done your job!

- You didn't like the speech?

- I told you to go for that bas!

- "Go for the jugular," I said.

- It was Mr Rumpole's decision.

Crucifying the Alderman would not have got you off.

Look, how can he be on the Council, hey?

Oh.

A lay preacher chairman of the watch committee and that judge gives me 18 monts for defacing the fair city of G?

That was a bit steep, yes.

The Station Hotel may have a certain macabre Gothic charm, but Grimble's hardly Venice in the spring time, I grant you.

Well, I'm going to appeal.

That, in my opinion, would be quite hopeless.

I don't give a damn about your opinion, all right?

Albert, I want you to get me a young brief, somebody with guts who'll tell h about Lancelot bloody Pertwee.

You're just like the old punters I get in my shops, Mr Rumpole, blokes what's past it.

(I Radio plays romantic music) (Door slams) Rumpole, is that you, darling?

What did you call me, Hilda?

I called you "darling".

Can't I call you "darling", Rum?

Oh, I suppose there's no reason why not.

There's a rather odd smell in h, isn't there?

Oh, is there?

Yes, a distinctly strange sort .

Like a mixture of RC churches and old flower vases.

Oh, dear, that's not very roman, is it, Rumpole?

It's, er, lavender water.

It's the lavender water that you give me every Christma.

I'm sorry, I didn't recognise i.

Since we met, you've given me 40 bottles of lavender water.

Well, I don't know what else you like the smell of.

Case at Grimble was an unmitigated disaster.

Very unsatisfied client.

I say, Hilda, have you got a cod or something, been in bed, have?

- What do you mean?

- You've got your dressing gown.

Well, it's really more of a neg.

Oh, yes, of course.

I made the mistake of appealingr ancient British sense of freedo.

Freedom's gone out of fashion in Grimble.

Oh, God!

That singer appeared to be in some pain.

Oh!

That was "These We Have Lov.

Oh, we're not too old, are we, Rumpole, to enjoy something sentimental?

No,no,no.

You don't need to read those magazines.

After all, you are married.

- What magazines?

- A dreadful thing about school.

I found it in the magazine rack.

Number four!

Well, of course I had to read i, it was evidence in the case.

In the what?

The Obscenity case I have just lost at Grimble.

Good God, you don't think I enjoyed reading that rubbish?

- I was never so bored in my li.

- Bored?

Is that what you were?

- Well, naturally.

- What, you didn't read it, did?

Oh, no, of course not.

It was your work, was it?

- That's all it was?

- Absolutely all!

Well, I've got to get on.

No good hanging around in the sitting room all night, chattering away to you.

I've got a meal to prepare.

It'll be something cold, I'm af. '

PIN“? '

Hmm'?

Do you think...?

Did Rumpole leave the Bar because he was losing all his c?

Only in front of Bullingham.

It was a run of bad luck, it was bound to end some time.

But he lost his nerve?

Possibly, yes.

I think losing your dirty bookse in Grimble's shaken him a bit.

I wonder what would happen if he lost a really big one?

Hmm... Oh, morning.

Ah, Ken.

Do you mind if I call you Crack?

I'm afraid I didn't do too well at Grimble.

Henry told me.

Very dissatisfied client.

He got 18 months.

Oh, well, it wasn't your fault.

It seems Rumpole spouted Wordsworth at the jury.

It went down like a lead balloo.

Yeah.

I must admit, I found the result a little disappointi.

There'll be other cases.

Meacher's got 20 of those dirty book shops.

They're all coming up for trial, I doubt if I'll get a brief in .

As a matter of fact, I was thing of asking you to lead me in a m. - What, me?

- R v Simpson.

I think you're absolutely right.

My dear fellow, I won't argue with you.

I don't want some smooth silk who'll make him plead guilty.

- Never plead guilty!

- I don't know what the answer .

It's not an easy case.

Worry not, old darling, your days of anxiety are over.

My dear Cracknell, may I call you Ken?

The answer to this, as in so many cases... ...lies in the blood.

- It's a miracle.

- I wouldn't say that, Mr Simps.

It may seem miraculous to you.

A gift from heaven, is that how it strikes you?

What?

My being here.

Oh, nothing more miraculous than the Gaelic Airlines cut-price budget special, which is a little like being sht across the Atlantic in a rather unclean corner of the Tea Bar at Kings Cross S. About the blood.

It must be a m. Mr Simpson, if you have one tiny fault, could it be that you are a trify to assume the miraculous?

I can't fight it.

Oh, you can fight it, Mr Simpso, and you will fight it.

You're going to ask me about what happened in the station.

Am n They can work miracles, you see.

- They always told me they coul.

- They, who are "they"?

I can't tell you that.

Oh, never mind.

Never mind.

I'm sure you will be able to.

No, I was going to ask you a few questions about yourself.

Now, you work, do you not, in the office of the Inspector , Clapham Division?

Yeah.

Not a criminal offence, although it'll hardly endear you to the .

I've always been good at figure, since I was quite a kid.

Figures hold no mystery for me.

Oh, you like your work, do you?

Oh, yeah, I do, very much.

Oh.

Every Thursday after work, I go to evening classes in Advanced Accountancy.

Did you travel regularly to your evening classes by Tube?

- I don't run to a car, Mr Rump.

- Yeah.

What about supper, when you went to your evening classes?

I'd always buy a take-away chic, and then take the Tube on to my bedsit.

Who'll talk about your characte, friends at work?

I haven't got any...

I don't know many people.

They call me The Duchess in the Inland Revenue.

They what?

It's a bit of a joke on my name, I suppose.

Mrs Simpson...the Duchess.

Yes.

- I suppose it's a funny joke.

- Yes, richly entertaining.

You've always been in the tax gathering business?

Since I left school.

I came in as a tea boy in the Pay-As-You-Earn.

Now, I'm number two accountant in the Schedule D. A meteoric rise.

Now, what about your spare time, holidays, that sort of thing?

- Spare time?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, it's television, and I bring work home.

Oh, do you?

Well, speaking as a tax payer, Mr Simpson, Duchess, couldn't you be a little less dd to your calling?

What about holidays?

Hmm?

Holidays...

I used to stay with my mother in Worthing, until she was gath.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Only this year, I managed a holiday abroad.

I went to the sunshine, on a pa. Sunshine?

Not the Sunshine State, Duchess?

- You didn't go "there", did yo?

- Yeah.

Florida.

You took your annual leave in Florida?

When did it happen, Mr Simpson?

When and where in Florida did it happen?

All right.

All right.

You can tell me later on.

Later on we'll meet and talk, friend and brother, as sure as the seed grows in the sunlight.

We shall meet and talk.

They sent you!

- They sent you!

- Of course they didn't!

I do wish you'd get your mind off miracles.

I told you, I came over on the Gaelic Airlines budget spec, held together with chewing gum and Welsh harp strings.

The only miracle, Mr Simpson, is that I got here at all.

- Is he insane?

- Oh, really, Ken.

Who's sane?

You, I, the learned Judge?

Or those screws in there who see themselves to life imprisonment?

- All right, is he fit to plead?

- Of course he is.

And he's fit to be acquitted.

I see by your brilliant cross-examination in the Magistrates Court, you're suggesting that Simpson did it, protecting his honour against a homosexual attack.

It seemed about the only line.

The Guardsman's defence?

Isn't that rather old-fashioned for a bright, young, radical ba?

You don't think it'll work then?

I don't think the Guardsman defe works particularly well, if you have a client nicknamed "The Duchess".

- Do you want a lift?

- Er, thank you, no.

I had enough excitement on Gaelic Airlines.

(Engine revs) You might make a few tactful enquiries about the Honourable Rory Canter, deceased.

- About his sexual habits?

- Oh, dear boy, no.

About his religion.

Rumpole's ringing his son in Am.

I'd say he's thinking of vanishing back into the suns, as likely as not.

Handing out flowers?

Well, yes, yes, of course I'll .

Listen, it's all...

It's all in your letter, is it?

Well, anyway, you sound happy.

Yes.

Yeah.

Bye, Dad.

Oh, love to Mum.

He doesn't want to come back, does he?

No.

No, he wants me to find Tiffany Jones.

And she left no message, nothin?

Not a thing, but at least she's alive.

- How do you know?

- Someone came for her things.

- Someone?

Who?

- I don't know, I wasn't there.

Sort of crazy, the things they .

No clothes, no make-up, none of the things you'd expect.

What things?

Her maths books and calculators, things she works with.

Meet and talk?

Yes.

Why, yes, I'd like to.

Sure thing, you and I have all the time in the world for each .

You haven't done much talking l?

Just exchanged words, not real talking?

Exchanged words.

- Yes, that's exactly it.

- That's all you do on the outs.

But, never talk, one heart to another's heart, beating as .

They never know that, the Children of the Dark.

It's just I've been feeling lon.

Come with me, friend and brothe.

The lonely days are over.

Call me William.

A family name's the first thing we give up as Children of the S. - Children of the Sun?

- We shall inherit the Earth.

The Master gives us everything.

He protects us with his power.

- His power for the miraculous.

- Miracles?

Oh, sure.

He's not bound by the laws of Man or Nature.

Well, I must say I'm interested.

I'd like to visit you.

To visit with us, is to stay wi.

Well, I don't know what I've got to lose.

Only the chains of Darkness, Nicholas.

Where's you car?

Well, let me tell you, if you de to stay with us, there is a con.

Do I have to sign something?

You just write the words of pow, but in rather a special way.

- What sort of way is that, Wil?

- In your life blood, Nicholas.

Everyone does it.

The Master, Nicholas.

A new friend and brother.

- The name's Nicholas.

- Be very welcome, Nicholas.

Be very welcome, Nicholas.

I'll go find the Parents in Love to greet you.

Tiffany... Tiffany!

- Nick, have you come inside?

- What are you doing?

- Paul's gone crazy looking for.

- I'm working for the Master.

We're not supposed to talk to outside people.

What the hell at?

On books, using my skill in fig.

- Tiffany, now tell me... - I can't tell you anything.

The last guy they had for accou, he was a traitor.

He betrayed them, that's why they needed me.

- Who was he, Tiffany?

- Some guy from England.

Nick, I can't stop.

Hey, you, friend, you own that\/ ?

Yes.

Tiffany... - Be welcome, Nick.

Be very wel.

- Tiffany, let me take you hone.

Don't be ridiculous, Nick.

I am.

Drive it round to the car port with the other gifts.

(Shouting) "'Nor for my peace shall I go fr as travellers do, that still dom "'But make my strengths, such as they are "'Here in my bosom and at home.'

'Huh, it's quite ridiculous, of course.

'Home is Ludgate Circus, usually in the rain.

'Home is breakfast in Rex's caf.

'And the friends and relations of various villains, 'reading the lists of forthcoming attractions.

'Home is climbing into the full fancy dress 'in the robing room.

'Home, God save us all, 'is his Honour Judge Bullingham.

'Oh, excuse me, His Lordship, 'now promoted to a senior Old Bailey Judge, 'entitled to try murder cases.'

Mr Rumpole, do you appear for the Defence?

Er, yes, Your Honour... My Lord.

I have the honour of representing Mr Simpson.

And may I take this opportunity of saying what a great pleasures to be appearing before Your Lordship once again.

(M utters) 'l have the distinct feeling 'that the Mad Bull is even less delighted to see me 'than I am to have drawn him for the eleventh time.'

Very well, let's get on with it.

Mr Colefax.

May it please Your Lordship.

Members of the jury, in this case I appear to prosec, with my learned friend Mr Magnus Piecan.

'Moreton Colefax, QC.

I knew him when he was doing dangerous dris 'round the Thames Magistrates C. 'The poor fellow's totally ignot on the subject of blood.'

Members of the jury, this case concerns the knifing of a perfectly respectable citi, a member of a well-known family in Kentish Town Underground Sta.

It is a somewhat squalid story.. 'Oh, Colefax, my poor old darli, 'you shouldn't touch it with a pair of silver tongs.

...squalid motives have been suggested for this killing... 'The Guardsman's defence, 'put forward by young Ken Cracknell here.

'It never had a hope.'

...but you will hear the deceas, known as Rory Canter was sexually perfectly normal, a young man of strong religious convictions... 'Did you say religious?

'There, now, Colefax, you may be onto something.'

- Benjamin Dole!

- Here.

You say you saw the deceased come on to the platform first?

Yes, Mr Rumpole, he said that.

And then you saw my client, Mr Simpson, come down afterward?

Following him, Mr Rumpole.

No, My Lord, he did not say 'following him'.

He said, and I have my learned d Mr Cracknell's note, he said, "He came down afterwar" Well, if you think it makes the slightest difference.

The difference will become appat by the end of this case.

- Even to Your Lordship.

- Mr Rum...!

For all you know, the Honourable Rory Canter camen the Tube to look for Mr Simpson?

For all I know, yes, sir.

If a person ever goes out looking for the man who's likely to attack him, Mr Rumpole.

Oh, My Lord, I should say that that frequently happens.

'I came halfway round the world to find you.'

Very well.

Just get on with it.

So, you saw Mr Canter waiting on the platform?

He was sitting there, yes, sir.

He made no attempt to get on the train?

He didn't get on it.

- Though the train was waiting?

- Yes, sir.

He sat there, waiting to accost my client... By 'accost' I suppose you mean , Mr Rumpole?

'Oh, the poor old Bull has a resolutely filthy mind.'

Oh, Your Lordship, we mustn't jp to conclusions, however sensati.

I thought we were going to be td to the Guardsman's defence.

Oh, Your Lordship has the bette.

- Is that a legal or military e?

- You ought to know, Mr Rumpole.

You've used it in a number of cs when you were practising regula.

'Regularly?

What d'you think I'm doing now, playing Tiddlywi?

Mr Dole, you did see Mr Canter speak to my client?

I see that, yes, sir.

- Then the beginnings of a stru?

- Yes, sir.

- Then your train left the stat?

- Yes, sir.

Tell me, Mr Dole, how long it'de before the next train would arr?

- I think about five minutes, s. - Five minutes.

Thank you.

Now, my last questio.

Good.

You never saw my client produce any sort of knife?

No, sir.

He never saw any knives at all, because his train had left.

Yes, Mr Colefax, who's your next witness?

(Usher) Diana Revere!

- Are you Miss Diana Revere?

- Call me Smokey.

Were you going down into Kentish Town Station on the night in qu?

Yeah, with me mates, we was goig to Public Execution in Watford.

Do they still have those in Wat?

- No.

It's a band, innit?

- (Laughter) 'Good Lord, the Bull's made a f' Did you notice anything on the platform?

- I saw two blokes, yeah.

- What were the two men doing?

Well, one was on the seat, and the other...

Him what had the bag from the... My Lord, there is no dispute tht that was my client, Simpson.

I can imagine there's no dispute about that.

I'm obliged.

What happened then?

We all got on the train, and I w the one with the carrier bag ge.

He come in our carriage.

Now, Miss Revere, let me ask you this.

Did you notice the man on the platform seat when your train was pulling out?

Yeah, I saw 'im, I saw 'im topple over.

- Topple over?

- Well, sort of slid sideways.

- He went all limp and boneless.

- Why do you think that was?

I thought maybe he was pissed or on the needle.

You get a lot of them down the .

Did you notice Mr Simpson in your carriage?

Yeah, he was looking in his plastic bag.

Then, he leant back and closed his eyes.

- Looked like he wanted to slee.

- Thank you, Miss Revere.

You saw my client close his eye.

As though he were tired?

Looked like it, yeah.

Members of the jury, you may knw that that is a very common reacn to be exhausted after you've mae a violent attack.

And you may also know that people are frequently exhausted and in a state of shock after having been attacked.

Miss Revere, at no time did you see my client writing on any sort of scrap of paper?

- No.

I didn't.

- Thank you, Miss Revere.

- Rumpole must be in his elemen.

- I'm not so sure.

He looked a bit grey around the edges by the end of the day.

You're very sweet, Ken, to have wangled this brief for .

- It's just what he needs.

- I hope so.

I hope it does the trick.

Ken, Claude and the baby are gog to stay with his parents next w. I can't get away, it's this endless robbery I'm d. We might have that hamburger you're always on about.

- Well, Rumpole, how was court?

- Terrible.

The client won't talk to me and the Mad Bull's madder than .

I wonder what I'd get for doing grievous bodily harm to a judge.

That's what you came back to.

- Don't tell me, Hilda.

- I will tell you.

I know now.

It wasn't even another woman.

Sometimes I think you care morer Judge Bullingham than you do fo.

Hilda, if you really think that, don't you think you'd be happier back in America?

I don't know.

- I shall have to think about i.

- Is that a threat or a promise?

And so, Lord Freith, your youngr brother, Roderick Canter, had a fiancée and was engaged to be married?

Yes, they'd both dined with me that night at my club.

There was absolutely nothing of the Oscar Wildes about Rory.

(Colefax) Thank you, Lord Freit.

I suppose you have some questio, Mr Rumpole?

Just a few.

Lord Freith, your club is where?

In St James's.

After dinner, did Rory drive his fiancée home?

- To her flat in Chelsea.

- He lives in Eaton Square?

Eaton Place, actually.

- Another address in southwest ?

- Yes.

Lord Freith, have you any idea what your brother was doing as far north as Kentish Town?

No.

As a matter of fact, I've wondered about that.

Yes, so have I.

So may the Jury.

It was nowhere near his route from St James's to Chelsea, was?

- No.

- Or from Chelsea to Eaton Plac?

No.

If you're suggesting this gentls brother went to Kentish Town for immoral purposes, I think you should put it fair and squa.

My Lord, although I am well awae the dirty mind is a perpetual f, I am making absolutely no such suggestion.

I'm very glad to hear it.

You have told us your late brotr was of a profound religious, er, disposition.

(Judge) He's told us that!

But you didn't altogether approe of his religious views, did you?

I didn't approve of all he did,.

Had he given away his farm in Hampshire to the particular religious sect that he favoured?

He had.

He was staying on as manager.

Had he not also given them a great deal of money?

I believe he had.

- All the money he inherited?

- I think most of it.

And was his fiancee of the same religious persuasio?

- Yes.

- She was an American, I believ.

Yes.

They'd met when Rory was in Florida, playing Polo.

I believe she converted him.

So...

So, he gave all he had to the p?

We have a pretty good precedent for that, Mr Rumpole.

Except that you believed he'd given all he had to the ri.

Didn't you, Lord Freith?

You believed that this organisan was extremely wealthy?

I thought perhaps they were exploiting Rory, yes.

Perhaps my learned friend woulde good enough to give us the name of this alleged organisation?

Doesn't my learned friend know ?

The name is to be found on the Prosecution's Exhibit One.

Usher, if you please.

The name is written on this blood-stained piece of paper.

It reads, "Sunlight to the Children of th.

- "The Children of the Sun".

- Yes, that's what they're call.

And they offer blood to The Children of the Dark.

We've been told that that documt was written by your client in the deceaseds blood, Mr Rump.

My Lord, there has not been one scrap of evidence about it.

Colefax has told us that he's calling Professor Ackerman.

No man knows more about blood than Ackerman.

- Your Lordship will find someb.

- That would surprise me.

Life in Your Lordship's court is full of surprises.

I suppose that's why so many ofs find it so enormously enjoyable.

Have you any further questions to ask Lord Freith?

This must be a very painful experience for him.

'Well, it's hardly a night out on the town for my client.'

May I have Exhibit Two, please, Usher?

I believe your brother went to Sandhurst?

Yes, he did.

And he spent some five years in the army?

Until my father died and left him the farm.

Do you know that this is a regulation Army knife issued to officers and men undergoing special commando tra?

I didn't, but I accept that fro.

And didn't your brother tell you he had enjoyed such training during his time in the Army?

I believe he said something of the sort, yes.

Thank you, Lord Freith.

Thank you, Lord Freith.

- Your ordeal is over.

- 'Ours continues.'

What are you up to, Rumpole?

Cracknell, perchance you wonder at our show, then wonder on till truth make all things plain.

- Who's the next witness?

- Inspector Wargrave.

At least you won't discuss religion with him.

Oh, will I not?

I'm not so sure.

Detective Inspector, you say my client told you he was guilt?

That's what I've got in my note.

Because you have it in your not, it has the authority of Holy Wr?

Mr Rumpole!

I suggest he never used the word "guilty" at all.

My client told you that he had sinned.

Doesn't it come to exactly the same thing?

Oh, hardly, My Lord.

Every clergyman at morning prayers says, "I acknowledge my transgressions and my sin is before me."

But, that is hardly an admission of stabbing people in the Under.

Inspector, this appears to be the fatal weapon.

It would seem so, sir.

There were two sets of fingerprs found on this knife, were there?

Those of the deceased and those of my client?

That is so, yes.

Well, what might that indicate to you, Inspector?

It might indicate that there had been some sort of struggle for possession of the knife.

I am extremely grateful to Your Lordship.

Your Lordship is always the firt to appreciate points in favour of the Defence.

- Now, Inspector... - We'll break now.

- What...?

- Be upstanding.

Members of the jury, it may coms a relief in this somewhat sordie to know that England are 85 for2 in the test at Melbourne.

'Oh, Bullingham, you old... 'That really wasn't cricket!'

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Why the gloom?

I get the impresn we're doing rather well.

There's still the letter, you dt write a letter in your victim'sd not unless it's a deliberate mu.

The Master is not bound by the laws of Man and Nature.

His is the power of the miracul.

It's no use.

You're not going to help me, are you, Duchess, until you lose your faith in miracles?

Well, I can tell you, that is about to happen!

Prof Ackerman, have you ever trd to write a message of this sort?

For the purposes of this case, I did so.

It is quite possible, yes.

Now, normally, blood clots in two to three minutes, does i?

Yes, but there would have been a continuous supply of blood from the deceased in this case.

Quite so, however, Simpson woule had to have written this message while he was still on the platf, and had he taken blood away wit, it would have clotted.

That is so, yes.

Now, the evidence is that he was unobserved on the platform for a period of about five minu, between the arrival of trains.

He could have written these wors in so short a time?

It is possible.

Oh, possible, yes, but an extremely strange thing .

The suggestion is, you have an extremely strange type of cl.

'Sorry, Duchess, I left myself wide open to that' Professor, we've known each other many years?

Yes, Mr Rumpole, we have.

And we have discussed a good many corpses.

Is this to be a time of private reminiscences, or do you intend to cross-exami?

And of course the jury may not know as much as we do about blo.

So, let's get down to basics.

Now, everyone's red blood corpus are the same, are they not?

They are, yes.

What varies are the agglutinoges which must combine with the appropriate agglutinin.

Mr Rumpole, I'm sure you and the Professor understand...

The system can be made perfectly clear to even the simplest mind, by saying that human blood can e classified into four distinct gs which are called Group A, Group, Group AB and Group O.

That is exactly so.

Now, Group O is rather common and flows in the veins of 45% of the population.

It flowed in the veins of the Honourable Rory Canter.

The deceased was class O, yes.

Yes, whereas my client is of the 41 to 43% whose blood is A.

He is A, yes, from the sample I took from him.

Now, you came to the conclusion that the blood that had written this message was class O blood, and therefore likely to be Mr Canter's.

It responded to the test in tha.

You took a minute fragment of p, treated it chemically to detect the antigens and examined it under a microsc?

Precisely.

Professor Ackerman... ...suppose this message had been written months before.

Suppose my client had joined some dotty religious sect, a sect which required him to wre a motto or an oath in his own b?

It was not his blood group.

But suppose it had been, and had been done months before.

Would not the antigens have perhaps faded in their strength?

I suppose they might.

I hadn't considered that.

Oh, then consider it now, Professor, I beg you.

The various constituents of blod fade with time, do they not?

Yes, they do.

Blood becomes more difficult to classify?

I would say, less easy.

Well, less easy, then, yes.

Thank you.

Now, you found that my client'sd was A and that of the deceased , and after that classification you carried out no further test?

No, I did what was asked of me.

The situation was perfectly sim.

Then, is it not possible that after my client had written this absurd message in his own A blood and kept it, the antigens would have faded and the blood become less easy to classify accurately?

That could be so.

And in that case, would not the blood on this paper give yo, as indeed it did, an O result?

I think the hypothesis you advance is a possible one.

'Ah, bless you, Ackerman!

'May you have many happy years in the mortuary ahead of you!'

Thank you, Professor.

Er, Professor, let me get this quite clear.

Are you saying that that letter may have been written by Simpson months before, for some religios reason in his own blood, and has nothing to do with this?

I think that could be so, My Lo.

And that you can't be sure, in , that it was written in the victim's blood?

In view of the possibility that Mr Rumpole has pointed out...no.

Yes.

Thank you, Professor.

I think I understand.

'My dear old Bull, I think you ' No miracles.

No.

The universe has recovered its .

There is a perfectly clear scientific explanation.

I suppose so.

You can tell the jury the truth, Mr Simpson.

Well, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Isn't there?

You've got to tell it, Mr Simps.

For your sake?

Yes, if you like.

But also for the sake of all the other lonely people looking for miracles.

Now, Mr Simpson, I would like yu to cast your mind back to the s. - You went on holiday to Florid?

- Yes.

And did you meet someone in the street handing out flowe?

Yes.

He seemed so clean and respecta.

We started to talk.

Yes, yes, go on.

Erm, ab-about loneliness and how to make friends.

- He took me to meet his friend.

- And where were they?

In a big house somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

They-they sang a lot and they seemed to work very hard.

Later, I met their leader.

He was dressed a bit like a clergyman.

- They called him the Master.

- Yeah.

And what did, er, the Master have to say to you?

He told me I must work for him in their accounts department.

He said when the Children of thn took over the government of thed I should have some great post in world economics.

Mr Simpson, did you believe him?

Yes.

L-| did.

And you started work on the boo?

- Almost at once.

- And what did you find?

Oh, there were hopeless discrepancies.

A great deal of money was comin, the friends and brothers gave all their worldly goods.

None of this money was accounted for.

I came to the conclusion it was all a gigantic swindle.

And did you tell that to any of your new-found friend?

We weren't allowed any close fr.

They told us that would destroy the loyalty to the group.

But, there was someone I worked.

I told him one night.

He said he'd have to go to the r and denounce me as a traitor.

That's when I decided to escape.

Mr Simpson, why didn't you tell all this to the police?

I was frightened.

I thought...

I thought it was a miracle.

And how do you feel now that yow it was not a miracle?

In away... ...disappointed.

No miracle!

Perhaps you are disappointed, t, members of the jury, to find this is just another cae of human greed and human violen.

Mr Simpson had discovered the secret of a gigantic fraud practised upon the gullible and the lonely.

Mr Simpson was to be killed, or terrified into silence.

And Rory Canter, a fanatic disce of this bogus Messiah, Canter, a man trained to kill, was to be the agent of death.

You have heard of my client's desperate struggle to defend hi, during which the knife accidenty entered his assailant's body.

And it was a desperate struggle, members of the jury.

For Canter was more dangerous than any thief or sexual molest.

He was a man who believed he had God on his side.

(Liquid sloshes) (Phyllida) Happy?

(Cracknell) Are you?

Yes.

You had a marvellous win.

- Of course, Rumpole did it.

- Yes.

Blast the man!

Rumpole pulled it off!

- What's wrong with that?

- What's wrong with it?

It means he'll never go.

He'll be around my neck forever, swamping the desk with his paped scattering ash like a bloody vo.

That's not why I got him the jo.

- Why did you get him the job, ?

- Hmm?

Why did you get Rumpole to lead?

It's obvious, isn't it?

You wanted him to lose!

It seemed a hopeless case anywa.

You thought he'd vanish back ino the sunset if he lost another c?

You got him the job, you wanted him to lose!

Yes, I did.

He's over the hill and I've got my career to think.

As a radical lawyer?

- Well, yes.

- Oh, no!

Ha!

Rumpole's the radical, you're not.

You'll grow up to be a Prosecut, or a Circuit Judge.

But Rumpole never will because he says what he thinks, and because he doesn't give a dn what anybody thinks about him.

And because he can win cases you're afraid even to do on you.

Oh, come on, Phyll, who do you really care about, him or me?

You?

Oh, you're a pretty face around Chambers, a little bit o.

A reasonably good spot of crump.

But don't ever think I'd risk ad husband, who knows how to cook, for you, Ken Cracknell.

(I Congregation sings "O Come All Ye Faithful") (Engine revving) (indistinct conversations) (Henry) Quiet, everyone, please!

Pray silence for our learned Head of Chambers' Yuletide addr.

Time goes so quickly, it always seems to be Christmas when I drop into Chambers.

Happy Christmas, Judge.

What are you handing out this festive season, an extra six months with holly ?

Well, er, Christmas has put sevl gifts in our stockings this yea.

Rumpole has won his murder at the Old Bailey.

Oh, did that surprise anybody?

It surprised Ken.

Rumpole does have a talent for getting murderers off.

I'm not sure I find that particularly reassuring.

Owen Glendour Owen has been appointed to the Circuit Bench.

(Rumpole) That's splendid news!

My dear, Owen, welcome to the B.

You'll find it a rather lonely , I'm afraid.

But there are compensations, you don't give a damn who wins.

Which, of course, leaves an empty place in my old room.

Er...yes.

Well, we'll discuss that, of co, at a Chambers meeting.

- Meanwhile... - Meanwhile?

We'll discuss it now, hmm?

No, I-I'm sure it's a matter yol want to discuss with your famil.

I don't think so, Guthrie.

We don't want to drag you back because we have a gap in Chambe.

- I'm sure Hilda has views.

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I h. Oh, well, Mrs Rumpole.

Since we got back from our holiy in the States with our son... Did she say holiday?

I thought they'd gone out to grass for good.

...and since Rumpole has got back in harness and he has won a most importante in a murder trial, I'm quite convinced that his ree is Judge Bullingham.

- Oh, really, Hilda; - I'm joking, of course.

Most amusing speaker, your wife.

But I'm also convinced that my y is to be beside Rumpole.

So I shall stay in England and look after Rumpole.

Are you sure, Hilda?

And we're all so glad to be back in this happy family of Chamber.

Oh, lovely.

How long will you be staying wis this time, Horace?

How long?

Oh, who knows how lon?

You know, I well remember that awful old Lord Chief when I was first at the Bar.

He gave an eighty-year-old man fifteen years for persistent theft at Bodmin Assizes.

"But, My Lord," the old man sai, "I shall never do fifteen years" "Well," the old Lord Chief encouraged him, "you must just do as much of it as you can."

(Laughter) And I will do just as much of it as I can.

And a very merry Christmas to you, too.