Where is everybody?

What are you trying to say?

Where is everybody?

No idea.

Raisins in the carrot cake.

Why would they do that?

This place is a goldmine (unitelligable) Im just fucking with you.

Today officially marks six months since the collapse of the internet and authorities claim they're closing in on the hacker Randy!

Welcome to Gold Hill from road, Kildare village.

Gold Hill.

You'll get your bill.

Hello, asshole.

You got gas?

Joe, what are you doing up?

Hey.

I miss my friend.

Nobody likes me here with such a sweet face as that, What's not to like?

Were weird, Grampa.

we talk weird.

We have all this Weird stuff.

Everybody says were weird.

We have all this old stuff, so we know where technology comes from and how it all works.

It is crucial that we understand it without relying on it.

Here.

She is finally finished.

Maybe.

This will cheer you up.

you made barry a robot like you promised.

I even gave her a little brain just like you.

The lab would approve, but you are both probably a little too smart for your own good.

Good night.

The mystery clock.

By Yule Rankin.

The black grandfather clock strikes one and a single chime reverberates through the dark and empty.

House.

Out of the black, a single child opens the door on the front of the clock and steps inside.

And like they always do, the gears above reverse their course.

(unintelliable) Good.

Computer security often runs counter to making computers accessible, friendly and easy to use.

Security aspects have often been overlooked.

We'll find out more about the need for good in the US.

They show in the next segment well meet a leading expert on computer crime.

Now let's get back to the show.

Good morning Offline world.

This is Mitch Ryan reporting coming to you live nationwide on KCUM 8:50 AM.. Now, the news.

Refugee camps outside of New York City are growing into the thousands, as government officials have blocked further entry into the world's only hotspot.

We miss you.

Starbucks!

Coffee hit 50 bucks a pound this week.

We even miss your overpriced $5 lattes.

To the refugees sleeping in tents tonight, it's time to pack those skinny jeans.

A massive blizzard it's sweeping across the Rockies & headed and headed right for New York city & all you internet addicted assholes out there.

No FCC, no holds barred.

Baby.

You want the truth, tune in!

you want a feel good?

Visit your momma , visit me.

Hey!

Where the hell you get that?

I've been rationing them out.

I've been starving for six months, and you been rationing?

Im sorry It's an apocalypse.

A what?

An apocolypse.

A what?

Apocolyps Son of a bitch.

Thanks for sharing.

That radio of yours says they're literally handing out supplies at the Air Force base.

You know, the one two miles from home.

might even be able to get some battery power?

You can't take care of yourself, Randy.

Want someone to wipe your ass for you too?

We're Loners.

We ain't taking no government handouts.

Nothing of that.

We need gas.

Why?

Gas for the generator.

Why?

Momma, she ain't got juice Why?

I don't know, Randy!

Shut up!

Maybe she needs it for her goddamn vibrator!

F. U. Daryl!

Mama don't even have a vibrator.

Well, just because she calls it a massager ain't sayin where she gonna use it and you know what she's going to do.. Take that back.

Listen man Mom's been gettin randy recently Hey, hey, first of all, don't talk trash about mom.

A second of all, don't use that word.

That's my name.

That's weird.

Well, mommas lost it, you know?

I mean, sexually, call it what you like, but she's got that look in her eyes.

And I, for one, feel a little bit unsafe in the cabin.

Screw off Darryl.

Why can't you just say that moms life's on the line like a normal person?

I mean, if you know what you're talking about, why you ask me?

Because I'm bored and I hate you.

I don't think moms dialysis machine is anything to make fun of.

Well, I'm sure when she's done, she'll have a little extra juice for some extracurricular activities.

Just don't say she's Randy.

I'm Randy.

While we're on the subject of vocabulary, don't use the words mom and juice in the same sentence.

It's disgusting.

How about if I make it two sentences?

Momma .

Period.

Juice.

Period.

God damn it, Darryl.

No gas my ass, they aint out.

But the sign says so.

Well, I'm glad you can read, Randy, but could you use your brain too Lights are on.

They got gas.

They just aint selling it.

I don't know, maybe they got solar.

Solar?

Are you kidding me?

Solar is the wave of the future.

You're an idiot.

You can't afford gas anyhow.

Aint planning on buying it.

No munching on that post.

Alright?

What, are you kidding me?

I ain't no criminal.

They dont have to know that.

It aint even loaded.

Just act like me.

What, crazy, or just epically stupid?

You better work on that attitude if you want to safely release mommas sexual tension.

Still working that angle, I see.

Fine.

Hey, do you want to save mom or not?

Give me your money or I'll sick my sex crazed mom on you!

Dont point that at me.

You want to accidentally shoot your brother?

Just two hands & a pitchfork.

Randy, get a pitchfork.

All right, here's what we do.

Cover your face & use fake names.

You didnt bring nothing?

I didn't know were gonna rob the place.

How we gonna pay for it?

All right, cover your goddamn face, Randy.

Sundance.

What?

We said fake names.

I'm going to be Sundance.

Hello, asshole.

You got gas?

Me?

No.

But if you two fellows need a little something to settle the old tum tums, I got some apple cider vinegar in the back that I will tell you Hands where I can see ‘em Randy Call me Sundance .

What?

My name is Sundance.

Call me Sundance.

Don't you lie to me.

You got the lights on.

I know you got generator power in this place.

No, it's solar man.

I told you, the wave of the future.

You know, sun power batteries.

(Unintelligible) What do you say?

I said, that's just what momma needs, ain't it?

Would you put a cork in it.

Adults speaking here!

They aint the kind of battery that run mom's vibrator!

We need gas.

Wait, you need gas to run your moms... (Clears throat) I mean, how big is it?

Yeah.

I like this guy.

That ain't what you're thinking.

We need gas for the Jenny.

Right on.

I don't have any.

A professor makes it real smart, dude.

He usually makes the gas.

He's got a lady courier and everything.

What?

Deadeye!

Just a minute, Randy.

What?

A lady courier, a friggin girl.

She brings the gas in, but I haven't seen her in weeks.

There's a lady courier, out in the pines.

Theres a lady courier on her wa here!

It's a girl Deadeye Yeah, a lady courier.

We're gonna have to kill her.

Oh, sure, now we're murderers.

Dude, sit your ass down.

Hey, no funny stuff gas, man or the girl gets it.

Now, how about a cup of Joe with some cream?

Pronto!

Morning, fellas.

Morning Maam Ive got a fresh batch of petrol.

You know, Juniors.

Did she say juniors?

Is everything okay Hayden?

All good.

Joe.

How is that coffee coming along my good man?

You got it.

Yeah.

Poor me one too?

Coming right up.

So, any word?

Well, I hear the same shit as you on the radio, but these guys, they're the first travelers I've seen.

You know, make the trek up the mountain in weeks.

Damn, that is one fine Russian beauty Grow up.

Besides, she's French.

You dumbass.

French?

Did you see that shifty look in her eyes?

She's definitely a ruski.Shifty?

Use your goddamn ears, Daryl.

She got a French accent.

You're just smitten ‘cause she smiled at you.

Howd mama survive that camp with you alone?

‘cause Im entertaining.

.

Coffee?

Coming right up, fellas.

There you go.

You some kind of comic person making a ha ha?

That's what I got.

Where yall from?

Oh.

(Boston) Colorado Springs, I mean, you know, and some time in Boston.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boston.

We come to the springs last.

They certainly sound like Boston massholes, right?

Oh, no.

No.

Well, you know, the family's from Oklahoma, and then.

Yeah, you ain't got no cream coming right up.

My Boston brethren.

Pardon me, ma'am, I don't know the goings on in France, but you do know there's no internet around here, right?

Yeah.

Just ‘cause there are no DNS servers & google cant find shit.

doesn't mean there is no net.

Oh, so you're saying the whole goddamn world blew itself up for no reason?

What I'm saying is, the internet that the whole world sees, it's only 4% of the whole thing.

The rest of it is still there.

It's called the dark web.

Dark web?

What are you, some kind of hacker?

Russian hacker.

Is the military still gettin things organized in the springs?

Well, you know, military is supposed to help out, and that was a rumor.

Anyhow.

That's why we came.

You know, Air Force, Norad.

But once the big fire came through, that whole house of cards went tits up.

Pardon my French.

Oh, French.

So, anyway, yeah, they're still handing out survival supplies.

If it's something that you know.

Yeah.

You don't mind taking a little handout?

I don't understand.

Is what the internet has to do with electricity.

And got no real Cream?

See any cows around here?

You got nipples?

Don't tempt me.

Anyway, we grew up without the damn internet, but we sure as hell could keep the lights on.

Well, it's all interconnected.

You think we can just lose billions of dollars and billions of jobs and shit just going to be like, okey dokey?

Well, you're telling me the government can't just turn the lights?

Goddamn hoity toity?

Well, you know, look at Puerto Rico in 17.

It's not a goddamn state.

What are you talking about?

When you got there, we got a little water heating.

You know, I heard the other states are just fine.

Just gotta find a way to get there.

So you guys trekked up the mountain just for the coffee, then?

Well, we came looking for gas, but, you know, stayed for the tantilizing conversation, What are you doing way out here all alone?

Mighty dangerous on the road for a little fancy girl with a teddy bear like yourself.

Lots of bandits out here.

You guys wouldn't know where girl like me would get a little protection, would you?

We.

We got guns.

I can protect you.

The hell you doing, Randy?

We can help each other out.

You might be just the man I'm looking for.

Oh, you're just playing me.

Of course he's playing you.

Duh.

Yeah, of course I'm playing you.

So I could have you guys look.

Look out the window.

at who came with me.

Look, just over there.

I don't see nobody.

You don't?

Because I've got my mare Chill out there.

Easy lady And this, this little lady is Delilah.

Say hello.

Delilah.

Delilah.

Nice to meet you.

That was sure slick.

Delilah.

Like Samson and Delilah.

Yeah, Aint that interesting, Daryl?

Shut up, Randy.

Okay, okay, okay.

Heres the deal.

You want a deal?

my granddad can make a fuel.

So if you want that gas, if you want to keep your little man stones attached, all you get to do is keep quiet.

I want to keep my little man stones.

Joe, who do we got out there?

He's a fucking agent.

The kind that shoots first.

Okay, come on in the back.

He already saw me.

Are you okay?

Daryl?

Hayden, I don't feel so good.

I feel a little weird.

Yeah.

What did you give him?

Sodium pentathol.. What?

Son of a bitch.

sodium pentothal.

What the hell is that?

I feel a little funny.

It's like truth serum, but gentles guys down a bit.

Hey, hey, stay with us, but keep your mouth shut.

If you don't say a damn thing you wont need to lie.

You like the bell, I always say that's the sound of money.

Listen, I don't mean to be remiss, but, I was raised Catholic, and that's a passing bell, which would proceed a casket.

I was taught that that that was the herald of Death.

Actually, you don't think it sounds like money?

Ca-ching.

That sounds like money, friend.

That, is a harbinger.

Can I help you?

Lousy cookies.

Got any gas?

Nope.

Any WiFi?

Excuse me, I asked, do you have any Wi-Fi?

Sure.

Password is eat my ass.

Oh, what a nice thing to say.

Is that all lowercase letters or should I just figured that out?

You know, you're not exactly putting your best foot forward, Dick.

Or should I say detective?

Detective would be better.

Okay, I'll pay for everything I have, including that nasty cookie.

Don't insult me alright?

I'm not a dick.

Do I look like a dick to you guys?

Yeah, but not like a cop you fancy clothes, but you like a slick, fancy pants dick.

Deadeye, Deadeye.. I apologize, he's been sucking the sauce straight from the still, I would not be shocked if he went blind any second now.

And again.

I apologize if I did not properly articulating my position on your dick ness.

How is the coffee?

Oh, Hey.

Good.

Honestly, I aint even had mine.

You're more than welcome to it.

It wouldn't happen to be, something a little extra in this coffee.

No, of course not.

I, I ain't even touched it.

Are you sure?

Awful generous.

Thank you.

Of course.

Sure you didn't put something in there like spit in a cops hamburger, something like that.

Nothin extra in there?

Of course not.

It's just southern hospitality By way of Boston.

All right.

Now.

Yeah.

You know, you guys ever heard that name housel before?

Any of you guys ever hear of anybody named housel?

Last name housel .

Never heard of a man a day in my life.

How ‘bout you?

Doesnt ring any bells.

Something smells funny about this place.

I mean, everybody in here seems kind of funny.

All you guys are fucking funny.

Not everyone's had a chance to read that article.

That's not funny.

Well, I just think it's funny that I know for a fact you getting your gas from a backwoods smarty pants.

Somebody's making it from scratch.

A professor type someone who looks and sounds an awful lot like that fella there that don't.

Have you ever seen him?

And he might even have a girl with him.

Younger.

Aint that funny?

I can't tell you what I don't know, and I don't know.

Professor?

Is there a delay in here somewhere?

You're looking for, a professor?

Yeah, yeah.

He speaks French right there.

Well, I never seen the man or heard him speak, but if it's, French accent that you're looking for, sir, you are the answer to prayer Like Samson, my power is restored.

I think this guy could use a little bit more coffee.

This professor I'm after, This man is an evil man.

I don't care how much you've had to drink, but you need to snap the hell out of it.

Okay, so tell me what you know.

Snap the hell out of this and express yourself.

That's my favorite song.

I have her whole collection.

Want to give him his coffee?

I like pretty much all of her stuff, even from the beginning.

Starting all the way through, it's still.... Listen, listen.

How about since we're sharing, I share something with you and you could share a little something with me.

T his man is the reason that the economy collapsed.

Okay.

All right.

He created an AI.

You know what that is?

It's a robot that can think and that AI thought it would even the playing field.

And it shut down the whole net worldwide.

I don't mean to be that guy, but it doesn't make a ton of sense.

I mean, if I was a super smart robot, Id want to use the internet to go anywhere in the world, you know, do all sorts of crazy shit.

Well, this ain't the movies, my friend.

This is real life.

And.

And I've got 50,000 reasons why you should help me track down this pompous French bastard reward.

I'd be happy to help you to go, How would someone claim you know this reward?

Are you interested?

Oui.

Yeah.

Or what was that?

You what?

Yes.

No, you said something before that, though.

We.

(I said yeah) We W E French for saying yes.

Oh, then then you're her.

You're the You're the hacker zero day It is.

It's it's really.

Wow.

Finally a sweetheart face to go with the infamous name Its sweethearts like you that shut down the net.

You got so scared that all your little secrets will go out that you shut down the microphone that we could all hear.

I'm an amiable man, and there's no reason why anybody gets hurt in here today.

But you're going to have to take me to your grandfather.

Oh, yes.

I'd love to, even draw a target on his temple if you think that will help Mr.

Fact is, men like you took my whole family away.

I was just a little girl, seven years old.

And you took everyone that ever meant anything to me.

These vulnerable motivations of, why you blossomed into a psychopath while touching, Don't change a damn thing because you're going to have to take me to him.

You took him from me?

Never.

Not on my life.

Are you gonna draw down?

I don't know.

Are you going to draw?

That guy's goes home because I like it.

If you just drove home, I'd like it for you to be able to tell your kids to finish the vegetables at the dinner table.

And you know what I love?

I love you just before you say grace to catch your wife's eyes with a look of appreciation, you know that you haven't had in years.

Because if you decide to do what I don't like right here, right now, you never gonna see her again.

I believe I've met my match.

You may be even more loquacious than I am, but this is a class ring.

Okay.

Nobody at home waitin for me.

Nobody lives through three years of torture under al-Qaida care to come home and wet their pants at the first sight of a girl with a gun?

Because I know you got one under there.

I'm sorry, little lady, but you don't scare me.

Not even a teensy weensy little bit, okay?

You just annoying little dog yapping in my ear.

And if I throw a stick youd go chase it.

So anybody got a stick and go get it, bitch.

At this point, I got to get out of here.

Death is iminent... Don't move an inch or I will sick my sex crazed mom on you.

Hold on!

I'm a federal agent.

Just gonna get my I.D.

This is my friendly face, by the way.

Lot of gore.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, I got some in my mouth.

Oh.

Sorry, man.

Yeah, that cant taste good Where the hells the mouthwash?

I don't know, I kind of like Haydens barbecue idea.

Okay.

One, two.

Three.

Lotta godd eatin Mother Fucker!

Hes heavy!

Almost there.

1, 2, 3 Ooh.

This is deluxe.. Oh, oh, heated leather seats.

get the horses, Darryl.

You're going to have to ride yours and pony back down.

How ‘bout you pony & I drive?

You're still wasted.

Id trust Shasta, behind this wheel before you.

Also, you nearly got me killed So get out the fuckin car.

I have a goddamn goose egg in the back of my head because of you.

Can I just say I did not see you coming?

Oh.

Me neither, Randy I need you to do something for me.

You say the word.

I need you to forget about me.

I. I will try my best, but, you're not exactly easy to forget.

Thank you.

Our lives depends on it.

You ready to ride, Deadeye?

Piss off.Tell you what I'll race you.

Son of a bitch.

It's a long way from Boston to grab that ga s. It was really needed, right?

Yeah, they sure did.

You ever hear of a gas powered mama pleaser?

Wow.

The world has really officially gone to shit.

Do you think it's my fault?

Yeah, kind of do.

See the horse nodding even she knows it's your fault.

After you.

Jesus.

What are you doing?

Oh, shut it off, Joe.

I'm just trying to keep a record in case you try to do pull anything off Lenny.

That's it.

Yeah, well, you're making me angry.

that and the headphones.

I don't care if it's healthier, Joe.

I don't care if it's intellectually impressive, okay?

You can't hack into school computer systems, including the school lunch program.

Okay?

I need three servings of protein daily and at least 1000 milligram of calcium.

I'm the fucking vegetarian, for Christ's sake.

and miss Duncan serving me fucking fried chicken steak isn't going to cut it.

Okay?

Hold on, potty mouth Johnson, it's Principal Andrews, and you're lucky you got a week suspension.

The superintendent, once you gone.

Oh, okay.

But before I go, can we talk about, like, hairnet enforcement with Miss Duncan?

No.

Just so you know, I found a pube in my tapioca!

Right.

Okay.

I don't know how a hairnet is going to help that.

Granted, that is pure disgust.

That is gross.

And I apologize.

Thank you.

Okay, I will talk to Miss Duncan under one condition.

No more hacking.

May I live a thousand years?

I never hack again.

Princess bride.

Nice.

How about this one?

We are men of action.

Lies do not become us.

Whoa!

That's more like it!

That's my man, that is my man.

Say it.I'm your man.

Yeah, that's my man.

All right.

I guess I'm going to have to go back to prison Yard to be judged.

Oh, this baby kept me from trying out for the cheer squad.

Not that I want to hang out with those sluts, anyway.

Oh, I'm really going to miss you.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Enjoy the lunches, Lenny.

You know, it would have been like Bambinos healthiest week, all year, you know that.

No more hacking.

Well, I'm just looking out for the, you know, innocent bystander.

You know this.

You know it.

Come on.

Oh, that's so thoughtful.

Joe.

Listen, you're a genius, and everybody knows that, Okay.

And that's nice.

But many years from now, what kind of world do you want to help build?

You're a psycho savant with computers, Joe.

Are you going to do good with it?

Are you going to hurt?

I'm going to burn this bitch down.

This is the beginning of the end.