[audience cheers] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience, and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the fully-reinstated director.

[audience laughs] Following Robert's ambitious turn as director last week, the cast came crawling back to me, and I graciously agreed to take on the mantel of director once more.

Which reminds me... Robert, here are your new lines for this evening.

[audience laughs] -This is blank.

-Yes, it is.

[audience laughs] Robert and I mutually agreed it was best for him to play only non-speaking roles this evening.

[audience laughs] Tonight's piece is a classic by the great playwright, Shakespeare.

To be clear, that's Simon Shakespeare, the much less well-known and much less well-regarded cousin of Colin Shakespeare.

[audience laughs] So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy The Most Lamentable Tragedy of the Prince of England and His Long-lost Twin Brother, Prince Regent of France, and the Problems Therein Experienced By All When They Came to Know of One Another After A Battle.

[audience applauds] [fanfare] [audience laughs] [gong sound] A noble king is tended by his wife.

Advanced in years, he nears the end of... [gong sound] [audience laughs] ...life.

His kingdom disemboweled by bloody war, where death doth stalk from midland to... [gong sound] [audience laughs] ...the shore.

[clears throat] [audience laughs] Prince Richard, who was out of wedlock birthed, carries his father's name but not his worth.

[gong sound] [audience laughs] Queen Isobel would his blood soon spill.

Foul Malcolm plots and for the throne... [audience laughs] ...he'd kill.

[gong sound] [audience laughs] With fair lands in turmoil up and down, all men do scheme to try and seize the throne... crown.

[audience laughs] [men] All hail the King!

[audience laughs] [discordant trumpet note] [audience laughs] A merry trumpet and a bold.

But embolden me it doth not, for the body of the king doth canker.

What medicine, my love?

For me, there is none.

For the kingdom, the remedy be my heir.

His heir, Richard, is no better than air itself, born as he was of a lowly tavern strumpet.

No son of mine is he.

Call forth Eric the Jester.

Eric the Jester!

[audience laughs] My liege, you call me forth, but my name is Eric and I am first amongst your court.

[everybody laughs] [Robert laughs] [audience laughs] Good Eric, I called thee to tell you I do ail.

My Lord, we all do ale, and at celebration we may wine too.

[everybody laughs] [Robert laughs] [audience laughs] Bring forth... Bring forth... -...the King's... -...the King's... [audience laughs] -...brother!

-...brother!

[audience laughs] [armor creaking] What news.... [audience laughs] [moaning] [audience laughs] [muffled] What news, good brother?

[audience laughs] No news but thy impertinence, Malcolm.

Kneel before your King.

[armor creaking] [audience laughs] Nay, Malcolm.

Let us speak as brothers.

Stand.

[audience laughs] [armor creaking] Woah!

[audience laughs] I know my throne thou covet for thyself.

[muffled chatter] Nay, Malcolm.

If Richard doth beat the French down, it will be him, not you, that takes the crown.

Call forth Prince Richard!

-Bring forth... -Bring forth!

-...Prince...

-...Prince...

-...Richard!

-...Dick.

[audience laughs] You called for me, Father?

[discordant trumpet note] [audience laughs] My days grow short, young Richard, and soon this crown shall pass unto thy head.

[audience laughs] [straining] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] Behold its dignity and pomp.

I shall go forth to war and prove my sword is true.

Well, if thou tastes victory, this crown shall pass to you.

Come, we shall... [screams] [audience laughs] Prit... Prit... Prithee, where be my man penis?

[audience laughs] Tis vanished.

The... the spirits must have frowned upon it.

[audience laughs] And what are these benetted baps?

They... [audience laughs] I must go consult the priest before any more of me is... [audience laughs] ...released.

[fanfare] And the court thought he was but an irrelevant trumpeter, but you shall soon see I am most relevant!

[Chris] Non-speaking!

[audience laughs] [fanfare] [audience laughs] Ooh!

Oh, I can't see.

I will not see that boy seated upon the throne.

I'd rather see the kingdom in your hand.

[talking unintelligibly] [audience laughs] [talking unintelligibly] Oh, thou speakest poetry and my heart doth melt.

Now we're alone, spare me one secret kiss.

[audience laughs] One secret kiss.

We're alone.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, we are.

[audience laughs] Prithee.

-She wants you to leave.

-Get off!

[audience laughs] [bells jingling] One secret kiss.

[audience laughs] [both muttering] [audience laughs] Now we must be gone before the King sees aught's amiss.

[music] And now away from the King's fine court... to a field where a bitter battle is fought.

[audience laughs] Each man covered in sweat and blood, and every one prepared to die for the common gud.

[audience laughs] [music] [soldiers screaming] [soldier screaming] [soldier screaming] Cannon!

Cannon!

-Load!

-Load!

Aim!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ah!

Ah!

How fare you, sirrah?

Suffer-ing great-ly at the French-man's hand, but who co-meth yon-der hill-top?

A man.

[audience laughs] Tis Richard, our great prince upon his steed.

What ho, fine friends.

Steel your courage and stick it to your brothers' back, for we are one.

Hurrah!

-Hoo-ray!

-Yes!

-Hooray!

-Huzzah!

[audience laughs] Bravery rule thy head, let valor be thy light!

Bravery... Ah!

Ah!

[audience laughs] Dinky!

Dinky!

Come back!

Come back here... All fight!

Fight for good Richard!

-Get 'em!

-Kill the French!

-England forever!

-Charge!

[audience laughs] Oh, look!

They are charging.

-Get 'em!

-Kill the English.

France forever.

But wait, I cannot fight, I am a pacifist!

A pacifist?

Why are you here?

I have to earn a living, don't I?

What do you do?

I'm a court trumpeter, but the pay is not enough.

You're a court trumpeter pacifist who's been -forced to go to war?

-I am.

What a layered and interesting man you are.

I agree.

Do you have a song that might outline your predicament in more detail?

I do, sirrah.

♪ When I was a young trumpeter ♪ Hey oh, hey oh [Chris] Non-speaking!

[swords clanging] [grunting] [audience laughs] Curses!

Another eager Englishman bearing bloody blade draws near.

It is the foul Lord Buckingham whom we Frenchmen do fear.

What ho, Prince Richard!

He thinks me English like himself.

He calls me Richard.

What trickery is this?

A fine battle we have won today, and we raise our arms victorious.

[audience laughs] [scrams] The sun shines bright upon our deeds.

These noble trees shall bear witness to our glory.

And yet I am no tree!

I am the relevant trumpeter, disguised!

[audience laughs] Prince Richard, why wearest thou a French cap upon thy pate?

Thou art sure to draw the eye of our own archers in this behatted state.

Buckingham!

My father shan't deny that this dost prove my worth!

God's teeth, I see my prince and there his shade, as though a mirror were here before.

By Jove, who art thou?

We are one and the same.

I am Prince Richard... [whispering] Dick.

[audience laughs] Who art thou, sir?

What ho, his voice is the echo of mine.

Mine every syllable dost sound as thine.

My ears deceived both, they sound alike.

From whence do you hail?

Come, take my hand-e!

[audience laughs] I shall not, sir.

I am Prince of England-e. [audience laughs] Some magic trickery.

How can this be?

[audience laughs] [imitating Max] His every feature doth mirror me.

[audience laughs] Identical except in birth!

[audience laughs] Same voice, same height, same girth!

[audience laughs] Our gestures knit each hair in pla-a-ce-he-he-hey-he-aye!

Aye!

[audience laughs] It is as if the devil stole my fa-a-a-a-a-a-he-he-hey-ace.

[audience laughs, applauds] And I'm playing a tree?

Seriously?

Bind this fellow, lock him away.

I shall to my father this very day.

Lower the bridge!

Argh!

Raise the bridge!

Raise the bridge!

Argh, argh, lower the bridge!

[moans in pain] [music] [gate clangs] [screaming] Push it up!

Robert, push it up!

[screaming] Stop!

Stop!

Watch your head.

3, 2, 1, go!

[screams] The battle won by England's merry throng.

Good Eric, toast their health and give a song!

♪ Bonny Peggy Ramsay that any man may see ♪ ♪ Bonny was her face, fair freckled was she ♪ ♪ Hey Nonny Nonny, hey Nonny Neigh ♪ ♪ With a slap of my thigh I will dance all the day ♪ ♪ With a slap of his thigh he will dance all the day ♪ Oh!

Oh!

Oh my!

Argh!

Argh!

It's still burning!

[audience laughs] ♪ There was a goose that was porked by a ham ♪ ♪ I have a sausage as I am a man ♪ ♪ He has a sausage as he is a man ♪ ♪ The goose was in charge and I drank to its health ♪ ♪ Then I took off my trousers and showed it myself ♪ ♪ He took off his trousers and showed it himself ♪ This is a most pleasing tune.

Oh, prithee, more.

What happened to Bonny Peggy Ramsay?

Um... ♪ Bonny Peggy came back, and what did she see?

♪ ♪ The goose it was nude and laying with me ♪ ♪ The goose it was nude and laying with he ♪ ♪ It was the first time, it shan't be the last ♪ ♪ I put my sausage in the goose's-- ♪ Prithee no more, fool!

That's... That's quite enough.

Thank you.

What a charming diversion, fool.

More goose, my love?

No!

I have lost the taste for it, methinks.

[audience laughs] Father!

What is the meaning of this?

Upon our fighting in your name did I happen upon this man, the very shadow of me.

Bless my soul.

Two sons now before me, mine own and this his brother?

So, you confess, this man is my kin?

How came this to be so?

Alack, I must at last confess my sin.

Your mother was no strumpet, but Queen Eleanor of France herself.

[gasps] Stop it.

Our kingdoms both at war, you were born in secret, brought to be raised under mine eye, whilst he, your twin, remained with her.

I hope that all shall now be healed, at last this wicked truth revealed.

[audience laughs] And fortune hath united you.

So, you and I are brothers of both French and English blood.

To me.

So, you and I are brothers of both French and English blood.

Father, at last our war can end.

Not to me.

Father, at last our war can end.

Yet some wounds be too deep to mend.

[music] A blood moon rose portending doom... [audience laughs] ...for foul and bloody murder loomed.

As the King retired to bed that night, he did not know he'd seen his final light.

Ah!

[banging gong] [audience laughs] My father for his sins shall now atone.

Then I, Prince Richard... [whispering] Dick.

[audience laughs] ...shall not share the throne.

A single drop of poison in thine ear will rob thee of thy health.

Approach I now in silence and in stealth.

[uncorks bottle] [audience laughs] Come, subtle poison... [audience laughs] Come, subtle poison.

Do thy work.

-Oh!

-Sorry.

Sorry.

[grunting] The king is dead, but I'll not bear the guilt.

I'll frame fair Louis, then run him to the hilt.

Treachery!

Foul treachery!

What news is this?

The Frenchman Louis hath killed the king!

What ho?

The king is dead!

[bells jingle] [audience laughs] My father dead, reluctant...

I am king.

[audience laughs] Now to the tower we shall this traitor bring.

-Guard!

-My liege!

[audience laughs] Take him away.

Yet foolish Richard knew not I was no guard.

I was the relevant trumpeter!

[Richard] Robert!

Adieu.

Foul trickery, villainy!

Thou art knaves!

Come, Eric.

Wake the castle, assemble the court!

All must hear of Louis' wicked sport.

My lord, aside, I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

No, it's an aside.

Say it to the side.

I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

To the side!

I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

I must betray this message to my Queen.

Go then!

[audience laughs] My Queen, I bid thee brace thyself for news most foul.

Prithee, tell me the cause of thy scowl.

Tarry a moment for, um... For, um... Tis about the King.

[audience laughs] Prithee, tell me.

Tis it about the king?

Yes, methinks it is.

You bring me news of the King's health?

Methinks... Methinks the King is well?

-No.

-The King is dead.

-Mm.

-Aye!

The King is well dead.

[audience laughs] But the worst is still to come for, uh... uh... [Queen] Speak, fool!

Oh, it's the twist.

Aye!

He was murdered by Chris.

[audience laughs] Prithee, but who doth Chris play?

The King.

Nay.

The king didn't kill the king, did he?

But he... he said he was the King, methinks.

Yes.

Well, he's the King now, but before he killed the King, who was he?

-Chris.

-No!

That's reality.

Join me in fiction.

[audience laughs] In the play, who is Chris?

The director.

No!

Which character?

Was he Richard?

-No.

-Yes, he was!

I thought he was Louis.

No, he's Richard.

They are twins.

But they don't look the same.

They're not... Why are you confused!

I don't even wanna be in this scene.

[audience laughs] Just... Look, my goodly fool, my heart in pieces tides thee submit gentle Malcolm hither.

-What?

-Get Malcolm!

Get Malcolm!

Get Malcolm!

[audience laughs] Oh, double joy, for now King Walter's dead, his heir shall join when Malcolm kills Richard.

Here.

No!

Get the actor who, in the play, is Malcolm!

I'm so sorry.

Malcolm!

[talking unintelligibly] [armor creaking] Now is the time to seize this power.

Richard and Louis must die this very hour.

[muffled] You speak the truth, m'lady.

To the dungeon!

[electricity crackling] [groans] [audience laughs] [muffled] Oh, no!

[audience laughs] [armor clanging] [audience laughs] [loud clang] [audience laughs] To the dungeons!

[Louis screaming] I will stretch thee until thou canst no more.

Demon of Hell, do thy worst.

[screams] [audience laughs] Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh-hey!

[audience laughs, applauds] Go, torturer, leave this knave to me.

I shall to Hell dispatch him presently.

My liege!

[growls, hisses] Wilt thou unbind my hands so that I may pray?

Be quick.

Then I shall send thee on thy way.

With one swift strike, I set both of us free.

Thus, with your death, my secret dies with thee.

[armor clanging, creaking] [muffled] Not so fast!

[audience laughs] Well, Malcolm here has caught me unaware.

[audience laughs] [muffled] No mercy, now your treachery is revealed.

Then let us fight, and death to him who yields.

[audience laughs] [armor clanging] Oh, no!

[Malcolm speaks unintelligibly] [audience laughs] Prince Richard, struck by Malcolm's noble blade.

[audience laughs] Argh!

Thus with this wound, my plans are all unmade.

Guard!

Take him away!

Oh.

Throw him in the darkest cell.

Thank you, sweet Malcolm.

The day is saved and all is well!

[discordant trumpet note] [audience laughs, applauds] One twin is defeated, now strike the other down.

With them both gone, we two shall share the crown.

[Malcolm, muffled] Prepare to die!

Another traitor in this nest of snakes.

Let our blades decide our fates.

[Malcolm speaks unintelligibly] [audience laughs] Thy sharp tongue cannot harm me now.

Hya!

Hya!

Hya!

My blade doth pierce your back... [Malcolm grunts] ...and you fall!

[Malcolm grunting, exclaiming] [audience laughs] [music] [audience laughs] Malcolm is dead, Richard is in chains.

The crown does pass onto Louis' head.

[music] Louis... is dead.

So, the crown shall now pass onto Queen Isobel.

[music] [grunts, screams] No!

No!

The crown shall now pass onto... [bells jingling] No.

[audience laughs] Oh, dear.

Huh...

It seems all our characters are spent.

And, at last, the trumpeter is relevant!

[music] [audience laughs] Execute Chris!

[audience cheers, applauds]