(upbeat instrumental music) (gun fires) (glass shatters) (birds cawing) (lively pipe organ music) (Lovejoy stomps) - Lovejoy, don't you dare!

- In this town, you dance with the man who brou!

Where'd you learn to dance like?

- More to the point, where did ?

- Bravo!

Bravo!

Well done indeed!

My God, Janey, after a performance like that, you should both have a go on Co. - Don't encourage him.

The Reverend Harry Nettles, I'd like you to meet Lovejoy.

- Pleased to meet you, Lovejoy.

Quite a dash you cut there.

Slinging Janey here round in the finest dago brilliantine, if you don't mind me saying so.

- And I thought the best you fellas could do was "Onward Christian Soldiers".

- Ah, you see, Lovejoy, when you've been an army chaplain as long as I was, you tend to have quite an extensive repertoire.

I was always very popular at Ch, even played a couple of nights at the Top Hat Club in Cairo.

(Janey laughs) - Are you sure the Almighty apps of that kind of music in church?

Wouldn't be surprised if He was tapping His feet all afternoon.

I need 60,000 more for the roof.

(trunk lid clacks) Take a close look at those.

I've got it in writing from thep any superfluous God kit can go into the pot.

One of them's actually stamped .

- They've got to be worth somet.

- Not 60 grand, that's for sure.

- How much?

- I'll go mad and offer you 50 .

- Lovejoy, you're being terribl.

- Well, you buy them, Janey.

The pewter market's gone bop.

Have you got anything else?

(Reverend Nettles snickers) - Well, a medieval triptych altarpiece, maybe.

Black Prince's armor, kneecap m?

(Reverend Nettles chuckles) - Sorry, Lovejoy.

We're just plain, humble St. Ju, not Westminster Abbey, but...

I can offer you a cup of tea.

- Let's get the sign up.

Come o.

(shovel clatters) (workers chattering) - I say!

You men there!

What the blue blazes do you think you're doing?

- Whatever it looks like we're doing, Reverend!

- You're jumping the gun!

You k?

You're two weeks early!

You still don't have planning p!

I'm getting onto the council ri!

- You can go on to the Holy Ghost as far as I'm concerned, but this is still going up, and you're trespassing, so hop !

- Cheek of the man!

- What's going on?

- Damn council, all but given pn to put a beastly leisure center up in the field.

Disgraceful, absolutely disgrac!

Why didn't Alexander do anythint when I asked him, Janey?

- Because there was nothing he .

- This place has been a field since Roman times.

Kids play in it, we hold the village fete in it, not to mention the donkey derby, and now these beggars are gonnap and ruin one of the finest Romas this country's ever seen and plonk down ghastly squash courts and saunas.

If they've got any leisure, let them come to church, that's what I say.

- There's no proof about any re.

Even Alexander said it's only h. - What proof do they need?

All they have to do is dig it u.

- Hold on.

I'm missing somethin.

What's all this about Roman rem?

- Come over here.

(curious classical music) Henty.

The only remains buried here are his legs.

That's all they ever found after he'd been hit by a Boer c. - What's he got to do with the ?

- He was vicar here for six yeas before going off to South Afric.

He was also chaplain to the loc.

Used to spend his free time with a bad-tempered drunken sextant called Rudge, digging up anything that looked.

Now, he and Rudge, they dug up part of the field over there and uncovered a beautiful Romanc which Henty claimed was part of a Roman palace.

He had Rudge cover it with sand and promised to excavate it properly when he came home.

- And only two feet of him ever.

- Lovejoy!

(smacks shoulder) How do you know about the mosai?

- Henty wrote a book about it, one of those vanity publication.

- Oh, then all you've got to do is take the book to the council.

They'll have to investigate.

- Trouble is, Lovejoy, I don't have the book.

My late wife, God bless her, put it in a bring-and-buy years.

I need a fairly largish malted .

(man groans) (pitcher clatters) - This is damn rubbish.

Just look at it!

(scoffs) Most of it's lumber.

I wouldn't give it house room.

Where's your quality stuff?

I was told you dealt in four-figure antiques.

I wouldn't give some of this stuff three naughts and a one.

- Well, it might help if I knew what you were looking for, Mr. .

- Rosenbaum.

I'm looking for a golden wedding anniversary present for my wife.

She's a very discerning woman i. I must have something of great , something to surprise, amaze and amuse her.

- Well, how about this three-leaf French painted scree?

It's only just come in.

And it's Arcadian landscapes painted by an artist with an incredible eye for deta.

- I don't want a painted screen.

We've got a castle full of painted screens.

We're falling over painted scre!

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh d. I must have been wrongly advise.

This is Lovejoy's establishment, is it not?

- And partner.

Lovejoy and Catchpole.

Well, that's me.

I'm the Catchpole in the equati.

(Rosenbaum grumbles) - He had Alexander chasing the chief planning officer for weeks.

There was nothing on that site that would warrant any kind of investiga... Lovejoy.

- [Lovejoy] Hm?

- Will you stop that, please?

- I'm just checking if he has any more surplus God kit, as he calls it.

(dog barking) - Ah.

I bet you've never had malted milk like this before, Janey.

Say when.

- Oh, I think I'll just have tht if you don't mind.

- Ah.

(drink pouring) - Never liked this when I was a.

(Reverend chuckles) - Oh, yes, yes, I know, I know.

I've forgotten something, haven't I?

Yes, yes.

All right, come on.

Waldorf, Savoy, come on, come o.

(Reverend laughing) (drink pouring) (bottle clatters) - You got me into this, Toots.

(intriguing classical music) What we're witnessing here is something that happens nowadays with increasing rarity.

The Reverend Nettles has just placed on the floor what appears to be a 300-year-old slipware dish full of dog food.

If it's genuine, it could be worth thousands of pounds, which he's obviously not aware , because it's probably been in his family for so long he believes it has little or no.

What does this tell us?

It tells us that just because an object's familiar doesn't mean to say it's worthl.

Alternatively, under the circum, perhaps God, in His infinite wi, put it here for me to find... and I've found it.

- Look, if you're hungry, I could probably rustle you up a sandwich or something.

- Do you know what this is?

- Doggy Crunches.

- No, no, no, no.

The dish!

The dish!

- Oh!

The dogs' bowl.

Oh, been in the family for abso.

Always feed the animals off it.

- Do you know what it's worth?

- Worth?

- Well, if it's genuine, not a Victorian copy, it could be worth thousands.

- If it's genuine?

Are you a gambling man, Lovejoy?

- Yes, he is.

- Depends.

- Look, I've tried everything e, so I'm prepared to wager that you can't get the council to dig up the field and prove once and for all if there are remains of a Romane and a mosaic down there.

- Oh, I never tangle with the kind of people you get down at the town hall.

- But... if I lose the bet, and you pull it off, you get to keep it, which, as you expertly point ou, could well be worth thousands.

- Lead me not into temptation, .

- This is not just a clock, Mr..

This happens to be an 18th-centy walnut eight-day longcase... with satinwood marquetry... and a very finely engraved face, with flower baskets and garland, made by Edward Martin of Dover and valued at a very reasonable- - Does it work?

- Work?

Of course it works.

It works as well as the day it .

- Let me hear it.

I'd like to check the rhythm.

The rhythm is far more important than the clock.

(clock ticking) Perfect.

Oh, that is a precise tick-tocking movement if ever there was one.

Do you hear it, Mr. Catchpole? )

It's like a virgin's heart when she meets her prince.

(Rosenbaum chuckling) What's the date?

- 1780.

- I mean today's date.

- Oh, the... 15th.

- Splendid.

Who shall I make it to?

- Don't you think you ought to hear the price first?

It's rather a lot of money, Mr.. - Rosenbaum.

I asked you who I should make it to.

- Um... cash.

- Cash?

And how much is it?

- 8,000?

- 8,000 pounds.

Now, I can't be bothered with d, so I will leave it for the full.

There you are.

And don't cash it for at least .

That will give me time to get ty transferred over from Jersey.

Is all that clear?

- Very clear, Mr. Rosenbaum.

Very clear, indeed.

- Oh, one more thing.

You do deliver, don't you?

- Oh, yes.

We'll even gift-wrap it for you if you'd like.

(both laughing) - Yeah, that's a good idea.

Don't forget, seven days.

Oh, and put a sold sticker on i.

There's a good chap.

- Certainly, Mr. Rosenbaum.

(la) Yes!

(smacking check) - You can do it, Lovejoy!

(dogs barking) Waldorf, Savoy, stop doing that!

- You know, Janey...

I... feel a bit guilty about this.

- It's never made any differenc.

(antique rattling) - What do you think it is?

- I don't know.

Candelabra?

- No, no.

(dishes clattering) Don't put those on there!

(dishes clattering) - Where on earth did you get it?

- Well, from someone who found t under a eucalyptus tree in Cors.

(gate creaking) Don't tell me.

You're going to the doctor's.

- Wrong.

- Got clean knickers on as well, haven't you?

- No.

Well, yes!

(chuckles) No, but seeing as I've just rescued this ailing enterprise from almost certain bankruptcy and put it back on its feet with a firm, fiscal base, I'm gonna take the day off, all?

- What you're actually trying to tell me, Eric, is that you've knocked something out to a punter and you're very pleased about i!

Well, I don't blame you.

And I think I know what it is.

It's the George IV nipple shield, isn't it?

- Ha ha ha!

Ta-da!

- Really?

- Oh, no, I'm holding on to thi.

- All right, suit yourself.

Com?

- Eight grand.

Eight grand cash!

Oh, my baby, my baby, I love you, I love you.

- Very good, Eric.

(claps) And why haven't you been down tk and brought it back in a brown ?

- What do you mean?

I wanted to show it to you first.

- Don't show it to me!

Concentrate on the date, Eric, and I guarantee that that check is a full deposit to be cashed in a week or ten days' time, right?

- Well, a week, actually.

- Right.

Now I suggest you hop on your bike, go home and change.

- Now, Lovejoy, I promised!

I've accepted this man's check, and in law, that constitutes a legal contract!

- Good luck!

- Just a minute.

Are you trying to tell me this check's worthless?

- No, no, no, no, no.

I never s. What I said was... Well, what I was trying to say , is that sometimes people have at of changing their minds at the last minute.

- Morning, Lovejoy!

Morning, Er!

Oh, going to the doctor's, are ?

- We've done that one.

- Oh, now, if this is genuine... - Oh, yes.

Vicar of St. Jude's.

I've got it on a sort of a leas, could eventually be mine kind o.

- Oh, could definitely be yours kind of basis.

Smoke your nose.

- Eh?

- You don't know what it means,?

- Well, no!

- When this was made, income tax hadn't been invented, so Charles II came up with this wicked wheeze to fleece his loyal subjects, called the hearth tax.

Cost you a couple of bob a year for every fireplace you had.

This is a 17th-century satire.

It's Thomas Toft's way of saying "up yours" to the taxman.

- How does he know these things?

- I once shared a flat with a pr who was heavily into slipware.

- Well... (pats) gather round, girls.

The hot antique item of the week is a small tome, that's still a book to you, Eri, entitled "Archaeological Digging Around Kinley" by the Reverend John Henty.

Exciting, isn't it, Tink?

But if either of you come up with a copy within a week, not only do we get to keep the , there's also the bonus of a four-course lunch on my account at the Black Hors.

- Oh dear.

- Tinker's barred from the Blac.

- Well, it's just you and me, t. (Lovejoy sniffs) (bouncy classical music) - [Janey] Why didn't Nicholas tk of the British Library reading ?

- [Lovejoy] Hm... (clears throa) - My experience with libraries is that the book I want is alwa.

- Ah, not here.

They've got over 10 million of 'em, Janey.

- Do you want to bet?

- They've got a copy of practically every book ever printed in the United King.

You wouldn't find Henty's book in the mobile library, you know.

(Lovely sniffs) And the vibes in here, incredib!

- Why?

Does the underground run underneath?

- Oh, don't be such a Philistin!

Some of the greatest literary geniuses of all time have worked in here.

Thomas Hardy, Charles Dickens, George Bernard Shaw.

Look, come here.

Ah.

See here?

Do you know who sat here?

Karl Marx.

- Where did Chico and Harpo sit?

- "Archaeological Digging Aroun" by the Reverend John Henty.

Is it you who ordered a copy?

- That's us.

- Terribly sorry.

I'm afraid it's not available.

- What did I tell you?

It's out, isn't it?

Has to be o.

- We're not a lending library.

Can't take the books away from .

They're for reference only.

I'm sorry.

- Ah!

You mean it's here.

Someone in the library's readin.

You mean someone got here befor.

- According to my records, it's being copied.

- Who's copying it?

- I'm sorry, sir, I'm not at liberty to tell you that.

- Well, can't take long to copy.

When's it due back?

- It won't be available for at least one week.

- A week?

- Shh!

- It would take an hour at the post office.

- Look, we've come all the way from East Anglia to have a look at this book.

Are you sure you can't tell us who's asked for it to be copied?

- I'm very sorry.

It doesn't say.

All it says it's an academic re.

- What's that mean?

- It means exactly what it says.

Sorry.

Your journey seems to have been wasted.

- Know any academics?

- All the ones I know have been.

(Janey scoffs) (meatal creaking) (antique rattling) (bouncy classical music) - [Ralph] Where did you get it ?

What's its provenance?

- Belongs to the local vicar.

Reverend Harry Nettles.

Claims it's been in his family .

They use it as a dog bowl, would you believe?

- Ah, yes, I would.

You have to be very careful with these things nowadays.

There's a man in Yorkshire called John Hudson who makes th.

Quite remarkable to behold.

- Is it a copy?

- No, I'm sure it's right, but I want to just make a compat before I commit myself.

- Ralph, can I ask- - Julian, Fetch in Catherine of!

There's another one, you know, in the Stoke-on-Trent City Muse.

Did you know that?

- No, I didn't know that.

How w?

- Thank you, Julian.

- That's Catherine of Braganza?

I never would have recognized h. - I don't think Charles II would have either.

I rather like the rakish angle of her crown.

Toft appears to have struck it n as a kind of afterthought.

We believe she came from a collection of dishes found in Chirk Castle in Wales earlier this century.

We actually auctioned them in 1.

- How much is the smoke your no?

- Well, considering it's not totally unique...

I'd put a reserve of 10 on it.

- Would you run that past me ag?

- A 10,000 reserve.

- Would you now?

And Catherine?

- Hard to say.

I'll tell you what, Lovejoy, why don't you get your vicar che to pop his smoker in with Cathe, and we'll stick a free color picture in the catalog.

The sale's in May.

Well, what d?

- Ah, it's not as simple as tha.

It's more complicated, Ralph.

(antique ratting) What do you think this is?

- No idea.

Have you tried ironm?

- Ah, suppose we'd better get c. - What for?

- Oh, I didn't tell you.

I thought maybe Covent Garden, then a nice dinner, drink maybe a little too much w. Then back to a hotel for a nigh?

Best offer you'll have all day.

- Why are you saying this, Love?

You know I can't do that.

You know I can't.

- Well, why not?

Alex is away a. I mean, what are you gonna do?

Go home?

Wash your hair?

Clean out a drawer?

- That's unkind!

- Look, Janey, now we're here, why don't you just take a deep breath and say, "Yes"?

- You've ambushed me.

It's not .

I can't say yes just like that.

You know I can't.

I have to think about it first.

There are serious implications.

- Like us being together?

Like you enjoying yourself?

- Look, I'm sorry, Lovejoy.

I really ought to get back.

- You made your mind up?

- Yes.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- Drive you home?

- Thank you!

- You know who I'm talking abou!

She's got frizzy hair and a tattoo of King Kong on he!

- The frizzy hair doesn't ring .

- Used to have a stall in the m. Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Bric-.

You'd know her if you saw her.

- Depends on which bit.

Don't think I would, Rollo.

- Nice clock.

- Ah, it's sold.

Go on.

- Well, she gets herself a lockup in Harry's antique marke.

Does a runner, doesn't she?

Are you sure this clock's sold?

- Eric says it's sold, it's sol.

- How much?

Eight, nine?

- Yeah, around there.

- Harry's got a private dick af, says he's gonna sue her.

I would have gone to nine, Eric.

- Well, funnily enough, Rollo, I haven't cashed the punter's c. - That's handy.

50s do you?

(Eris muttering) - Rollo, it's sold!

All right?

The punter's paid a full cash deposit!

I'm sorry, that's the way it is!

- Yeah, but Lovejoy, the punter might change his mind- - And aren't you the forgetting you entered into a legally binding contract?

I'm sorry, Rollo!

It's sold, th!

Let me see the stuff!

(phone ringing) - [Eric] Hell, Lovejoy... - They're worth 80 each, I'll take two for the lot.

- Two for... (sighs) Oh, come on, Tinker'll smell these at 50 paces!

- All right, then.

One and a ha?

- You can have that captain's c. - The captain's chair?

(bottles clinking) Done.

- It's Tink.

- Right.

Okay.

- If you change your mind about the clock, Eric, nine grand.

- It's sold, Rollo!

- Lovejoy, nine grand!

We'd be one grand up on the deal!

- Hold on.

Shh!

Yes, Tink?

(bird cawing) - I couldn't come up with a copy of Henty's book either, but I might just have found the next best thing.

The silk suit over there is Der, municipal grave digger... and late sextant of St. Jude's.

He's also the great-great-grandson of that Rue that dug up half the county wit, and just still might have a copy of aforesaid book.

- You're a class act, Tink.

- Derek!

(excavator rumbling) This is the Lovejoy I was telling you about.

- Pleased to meet you, Derek.

- Pleasure's mine.

Tinker tells me you're interestd in my great-great-granddaddy.

What's a totter interested in him for, I ask myself.

(ground squelches) That's deep enough, Malcolm.

Gently does it.

- Could we go somewhere else and maybe find ourselves a larg?

- I wouldn't mind sharing a bote of Liebfraumilch with you.

That would go down a treat.

(drink pouring) - Derek, do you know anything oy about your grandfather helping a Reverend Henty of St.s to dig up archaeological sites and a book written about it?

- Yeah, I know all about that.

Old Grandad Rudge and Henty dug up half the county.

We Rudges have buried half the county as well.

- Wouldn't still happen to have a copy of that book?

- Wish I had a tenner for everyr who asked me that question.

The answer's no.

Got thrown on a Guy Fawkes bonfire by mistake years ago.

- Have you ever seen a copy?

- I did.

When I were a boy.

- And?

- That's it.

- Does the field next to St. Jude's mean anything to you?

- Only that they're going to build a leisure center on it.

About time too.

There's nothing for the poor buggers around here to do at all.

(Derek sips drink) Ah!

- That's all.

(sighs) (Derek chuckles) (drink pouring) - I know what all this is about.

You been talking to old Nettles, ain't you?

That old soak.

The walking dist.

He'll try anything to get that leisure center stopped.

There ain't nothin' in that field apart from cow shit, and he knows it.

- What do you mean?

- Your old famous Roman villa with the mosaic floor he keeps , the one that Henty and my granddaddy found, it were nowhere near that field, it were miles away.

- Was it?

- You know the council estate i?

- Sort of.

- Well, they built it slap bang on top of your Roman villa, did?

- I remember it being built, but I don't remember a Roman vi.

- Well, you wouldn't, would you?

It were all hushed up.

Terrible embarrassment all roun.

Contractors bulldozed the wholet into the brook at the back.

If you still know where to poke, you can find bits of those small mosaic tiles.

- Go on, then!

- Get off!

- Hang on!

- I ain't it!

- Used to be tons of the stuff up here when I was a kid.

Used to pick it up by the sackl.

Here we are.

Genuine... Roman... remains.

That's mosaic.

- Looks like licorice allsorts .

- You can dig all you want in that church field.

This is where it was and that is where it isn't.

Came across this the other day.

Thought you might be interested.

(Lovejoy sighs) (tin lid clunks) - Here.

Tell you what.

100 quid the lot.

50?

(Lovejoy chuckles) 25!

(Lovejoy laughing) (fire crackling) - So he dug around in the bank t and then came up with these.

- What are they?

- According to Derek Rudge, pieces of the original mosaic.

- Well, let me tell you something, Lovejoy.

If that's the gospel according to St. Derek... (drink pouring) that puts its authorship seriously in question.

The only way those bits of mosaic could have got there is if Derek put them there hims.

Do I make myself clear?

- Well, he sounded pretty convincing to me.

- He would, wouldn't he?

He's a very low flier is Derek.

Low flier.

Liar.

I learned that when I was.

Whole wretched family are the s. His great-great-grandfather wasd of being in league with body sn.

Couldn't be proven.

- Well, I've got no ax to grind with Derek Rudge.

I just thought he might have a copy of Henty's book.

- He can't even read.

Did he tell you why I gave him ?

Did he tell you that?

- No.

- Well, he wouldn't, would he?

Because, my dear Lovejoy, about six months ago, the local constabulary raided a scrapyard down the road, looking for a stolen car.

Out of luck, as far as the car was concerned, but do you know what they turne?

(cork squeaking) - [Lovejoy] Go on.

- Couple of sackfuls of lead cos and bronze coffin handles, previously the property of dear departed of this parish.

Out of my churchyard, would you?

So, I had Rudge open up the gra.

(drink pours) put the stuff back where it belonged, then I sacked him.

(slams bottle) There's a Roman villa or palace or something out there.

I know it.

Rudge knows it.

No one will listen, not even yo.

You can't hack it, Lovejoy.

Bring Waldorf's dish back.

The wager's off.

- It's worth 10,000 pounds, Har.

- Good, I'll tell the dogs that!

(bouncy classical music) (spade scraping) - Hello!

Nancy Phelan?

- Yeah.

- Lovejoy.

Pleased to meet you.

- Pleased to meet you.

Look, I told you on the phone there was nothing more I could .

I'm really up against it here, .

I have to have all this logged by next Thursday.

- All I wanna know is why you hg an exploratory trench at the leisure center site at Kinley.

- Nettles has put you up to this, hasn't he?

You know, for a vicar, he's a real headbanger, do you know that?

- Well, I think he has a right .

- A right to know what?

- On the count of archeology why you and the council haven't investigated his claim that there could be a Roman villa on that site.

- Look, Mr. Lovejoy, let me just explain one thing to you.

I only have a veto over planning permission if I believe beyond archaeologil and scientific doubt that a proposed building site covers important remains.

- The Kinley site's worth a shot, though, isn't it?

(plastic bag rustling) - Come up to the office with me, and I will prove to you why I have absolutely no reason to believe your vicar.

Then you can take the message bm and tell him to stop pestering e and the planning department once and for all!

2-0-5.

There we go.

Cromwellian helmet neck protector.

Well, Roman it isn't, Mr. Lovej.

Let's try a bit closer.

6-6-9.

(typing) There we go.

Brass spade guinea.

(chuckles) Well, that is George III, not Antonius Pius.

Would you like to try your luck?

- All this proves is that nobody's ever looked in that field.

- That's my husband.

Excuse me,.

(Lovejoy sighs) (curious classical music) (envelope rustling) - The Reverend John Henty.

- You see, Mr. Lovejoy, even if I was convinced, which , to put a trench across that fied would cost about 450 pounds, that is, if the owners would le, and we just don't have that mon.

Me, I would excavate every building site going, but times are lean, Mr. Lovejoy.

Museums and heritage come prettw on the totem pole nowadays.

- [Lovejoy] Who the hell's that?

(Nancy chuckles) - That is a medieval monk.

I have another 36 of them, and they all need a Christian b.

- Hey, now, just a moment.

The council's gonna shell out for 37 coffins, and you can't afford 450 quid to dig a trench?

- 37 black bin liners, actually.

- [Lovejoy] Well, thank you very much for your time.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, Nancy, by the way, do you know what these are?

I think they're bits of Roman m. - Well, I don't know about Roma, but it's definitely Italian.

It's terrazzo.

You can buy that sort of thing at the Italian marble shop in Bury St. Edmund's.

- You don't say.

Do you know what this is?

(antique rattling) (metal creaking) - Oh, my goodness.

No.

Do you?

(antique rattles) (antique clatters) (vehicle rumbling) Wonder what the planning office will have to say about this?

(engine revs) (Eric panting) - Oh, there's the tall chest of.

- Why is she lying about the si?

And the book was in a British Library envelope right on top of her mail.

- Maybe she hadn't had time to .

Well, you said yourself she was up to her eyeballs.

Anyway, how can you be so sure that it was in the field next to the church?

When it comes to map reading, you're not exactly Marco Polo.

- Found our way back from Londot the other night, didn't I?

- Oh, I'm sorry about all that.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Please don't apologize, Janey.

I got a takeaway kebab which kept me up half the night, but then Marcus Green came roun, and I got a couple of Goya etchings off him, very cheap.

Perhaps you'd like to see them.

- [Janey] Hm.

- Up the stairs, either side of.

(Janey clicks tongue) Nancy Phelan fobbed me off.

She knows there's a villa on th.

You said yourself, Alex told you that leisure company has a board of professional dirs to hide the true owners' identities, right?

- That happens all the time.

I think you're reading too much into this, Lovejoy.

- But what about Derek Rudge's Roman mosaic that you can buy in Bury St. Ed?

(Janey scoffs) - You're really intent on building this whole thing into some grand conspiracy, are?

What next?

An assassination?

- I'll prove it to you.

Show yo.

- Oh, I say!

This is rather good, the clock.

- Sold!

- [Janey] That's a pity!

I've got nine and a half thousand for a good clock.

- Try again at the end of the w!

- [Janey] Place'll be finished .

- Where is it?

Where the hell is it?

- What are you looking for?

You didn't steal that book, did?

- Me, steal?

Would I jeopardize a deal by stealing, Janey?

Eric!

I borrow.

I intend to return.

Eric!

- What?

- Have you seen an envelope with the British Library writte?

- Uh... Oh, that brown one that was wits you wanted me to post?

- Yeah, probably.

- The one that wasn't addressed?

- Wasn't it?

- Yeah, the one addressed to the archaeological unit.

- Yeah, that's it.

Where is it?

- Well, I put it in the post.

- You did what?

- I posted it back.

- You what?

- [Eric] I posted it back.

- You posted it back?

- Yes, I posted it back!

- And why did you post it back?

- Because it wasn't addressed t!

- What's that got to do with it?

- Well, what am I supposed to have done now?

- Oh, what you usually do, you !

- Well done, Eric.

You're brill.

- It wasn't addressed to us!

(g) - Anything else, Jane?

- No, that's the lot from here.

There is the clock, of course.

I'm still short of a clock.

- [Eric] Well, Rosenbaum's only got two days!

Haven't heard from him for five!

- But you're still holding his check, aren't you?

- Oh, yes, I'm still holding hi, and I'll still be holding it this time next year, if you ask me!

- I don't think tearing your assistant slowly limb from limb is something I could possibly condone, Lovejoy.

Wilfred!

Look at him, his arms nearly coming out of their sockets.

Not supposed to dabble with this sort of stuff.

Fear of the wrath of God and that kind of thing.

- Could always just be water, y.

- Water be blown.

They're Roman.

Then again, you could be right.

Could be a bath, Roman bath.

It's worth a lot of money.

- I'll bung it in the safe!

Wilfred, do you think it could be water, a Roman bath?

(drink pouring) - Have you tried the '57 Latour, Mr. Catchpole?

It has a little more body than your Lafite.

- Not that I recall, no.

- Oh, you would remember if you.

It's quite an organoleptic expe.

- Oh, I'm sure it must have been, Mr. um... - Hello, Lovejoy.

This is Mr. R. - Oh!

- I'm very pleased to meet you,.

Your partner here has been entee with a bottle of your excellent.

- Has he now?

Well, I hope it's to your liking, Mr. Rosenbaum.

- Yeah, well, Mr. Rosenbaum popy to say that we can cash his check in two days and so would we deliver the clo.

- Oh, of course we will, Mr. Ro.

- Thank you.

Well, I must dash.

I'll call you with the address.

And you won't forget the gift-wrapping, will you?

- Oh, no, we won't, Mr. Rosenba.

- Ye... (metal grinding) Yes!

- Yes?

- No.

- Well, that's par for the course, isn't it?

You've entertained Mr. Rosenbaum with about, what?

Oh, about 75 quid's worth of my Chateau Lafite.

I've also had to give back the e to Nettles because of you, Eric.

Well, we might as well finish this off, mightn't we?

Eric.

- What are you doing, Lovejoy?

- Even the condemned man is allowed a last drink, Eric.

(Lovejoy sips drink) (Lovejoy spits) It's crap!

I've never tasted anything like it in my life!

- Yeah, but it tastes all right.

- Oh, it would, wouldn't it?

I mean, a palate to you is something you stack bricks on.

We've been shafted, Eric.

(curious classical music) (Rollo smacks lips) - Tastes all right to me.

- Oh, Rollo.

Eric here may not be "Antique Roadshow" material, but wine he does know, don't yo?

- Yeah, that's right!

And the nearest that's been to e is being strained through a soc!

- I got it off Dr. Moss, and he's a connoisseur!

- And he's a lush and a charlat, and I want my chair back.

- I've taken a deposit for it.

- No kidding, Rollo.

- Hang about.

You can have that instead.

- Ooh, you've had these cleaned!

Last time I saw these, Derek Rudge had them on offer f. (stair creaking) You know where these come from,?

You wanna be careful, Rollo, you could end up with the Black.

(tin lid slams) - Lovejoy, if Derek's deal goes, he'll be able to buy and sell u.

- What deal is this?

- The leisure center.

- In the field next to the chur?

- Sure.

It's his.

It was left to him in.

His company's applied for planning permission, and if he gets it, he's gonna ft to a developer for a mint!

- You're sure about this?

- As sure as my arse points dow!

- Thank you, Rollo!

(bottles plunk) Enjoy the wine and enjoy the ch.

- Eh?

- Bye, Rollo!

Bye, Rachel.

(Rachel gasps) - Yeah, bye.

I didn't think you knew her.

- King Kong's a dead giveaway, .

(curious classical music) (envelopes rustling) (excavator rumbling) - Looks like the game's up, Lov.

They don't waste much time, do ?

All this lot and they haven't et planning permission yet.

- String's not run out yet, Har.

I think we should call their bl.

- With what?

- 37 medieval monks.

- Sorry?

Having trouble with wax.

What d?

- She has to give the mortal res of 37 medieval monks a Christia.

- Ah.

- So how much would you charge, 450 quid?

More?

- Easily that.

- There you are, then.

Claims her department's skint, so you bury the monks baksheesh, she digs a trench across the fi.

Can't say fairer than that, can?

- Can't be fairer than that, ca?

I can give them a very good spot near the wall.

- It's very kind of you to offer, Reverend, but we've been through all this.

Look, I'm terribly sorry, but I can't recommend that conds be placed on the planning permi.

- The Rev'll pick up the tab for the monks.

The trench'll be for free.

- [Nancy] Changes nothing.

- I think you're making a very big mistake, Mrs. Phelan.

- Try over to the left, Antonia.

- Have you ever requested a copk by the Reverend Henty from the British Library?

- No.

Why should I?

- The penalty for a bribe can be pretty severe, you know, Nancy.

- How dare you!

What are you im?

- Now, Mrs. Phelan, I'm sure Lovejoy didn't mean it.

- I know exactly what he meant!

- Sorry, diplomacy was never my strong suit.

- The Reverend Nettles and Mr. y require escorting from this sit, and are never to be allowed back here again under any circumstances!

Vincent!

(tense orchestral music) (quirky orchestral music) - You know, Lovejoy, I have a fg I've seen that young woman somewhere before, but I just can't place her.

Annoying, isn't it?

- I don't think she'd be one ofk with a name like Phelan.

- No, I suppose not.

By the way, I had a from with a charming young man called Ralph, from Sotheby's.

- Oh, no.

Wanted to know if you had any cm on my smoke-your-nose dish, asked if I was willing to enter it into his sale.

- You didn't, did you?

- No fear.

Planning committee meeting's not until this afternoon, and as you say, Lovejoy, string's not run out yet.

Got it!

Of course!

Now I know who she is.

I never forget a face.

I remember that young woman when she was in her teens.

She was engaged to be married to Derek Rudge.

- You're kidding!

Banns read out in church, wedding dress made and paid for, reception laid on.

Two days before the ceremony, dear old Derek jilted her!

- And this is his payoff to her?

- Yes.

- He gets his planning permissi, she gets a nice fat reward at the end of the day.

How corrupt can you get?

- You know, Lovejoy, there's an old Egyptian saying about corruption.

- Is there?

- Camel get nose in tent, body soon follows.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Afternoon, Janey.

Afternoon, .

Everything agreed?

- Sure is.

Tinker's gonna ask a very searching question.

- Let's get going, then.

I don't want to miss a second o. I'd start striking camp if I were you, boys!

It'll be all over soon!

It's all right, Lovejoy, I can manage.

You're driving.

- Go on, then, read it out to m. - It's not the eve of Agincourt speech, Lovejoy, I don't have to read it out.

I can remember it.

- Well, let me hear it, then.

- What was his name again?

- Rudge.

Derek Rudge!

- Is the committee aware of the nature of the relationship between Mr. Rudge, the site own, and Mrs. Phelan, the county arc?

- Very good, Tink.

Now, I- Okay, Harry.

Ask the question when I nod, all right?

- Right!

- That we move to an approval.

Shall we vote, gentlemen?

Carried.

Now, we'll move on to applicati, the proposed leisure center in the church field in Kinley.

Now, we have a fairly lengthy officer's report in this application.

We've had a number of objection, but as the officer clearly stat, he sees no reason why planning n should not be granted, so I suggest to move as the officer recommends.

So shall we vote, gentlemen, pl?

- Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, sir.

I'd like to ask the committee an before the voting starts.

- Yes.

What is it?

(rustles jacket) - Is the committee aware of the nature of the relationship- - I'm terribly sorry about thisr 11th-hour approach, gentlemen, but very important information regarding the remains of a Romaa on this particular site has com.

(committee murmuring) Now, if you'll all turn to page.

(papers rustling) you will clearly see that there is evidence of an extensive mosaic.

- What do you mean, mosaic?

(stanchion clattering) (paper crumpling) I'll give you... (papers tearing) a bloody mosaic!

- In the light of this new archaeological evidence, I move that the officer's recommendation must be refused.

- In that case, I move for a re.

- Excuse me.

(dramatic orchestral music) You took him right to the wire, didn't you, Nancy?

- I wanted him to feel that Jaguar steering wheel in his hands before pulling the.

- Public justice, eh?

Tell me, why the rush?

- Didn't you hear what he said?

We've got to stop him.

- No!

No!

(stammering) - No, no, no.

I insist... (engine starts) (muffled speech) - Very good.

Yes, yes, yes.

Come along, Lovejoy!

We haven't got all day!

No, no!

No room!

No room!

(bouncy orchestral music) - [Eric] Come on, Tink!

- I'm not getting on that!

(car zooms) - Derek!

Stop it, for God's sake, Derek!

- [Derek] Up yours, Nancy!

- [Nancy] Stop it!

- You wanna see the most beautic the world has ever seen?

Well, take a good look!

'Cause it's coming out of this hole like a jigsaw puzzle!

- [Lovejoy] If there is a villa there, Derek, you're in the pound seats.

- Get stuffed!

- Ever heard of Fishbourne, Der?

80,000 visitors a year at two q.

- Never again, Eric!

Never agai!

- You moron!

- Derek, I beg you!

Look, I could have stopped you !

- It's too late, Nancy!

It's to!

(excavator shuts off) I'll bury you, you bastard!

I'll bury you!

(Derek shouts) (mud squelches) (Derek groans) (exciting orchestral music) - You're looking at 150 grand a year for life, Derek.

- We're so constituted we believe the most incredible , like the existence of Henty's m. But once they're engraved on th, woe to him who'll try to erase .

I think St. Augustine put it very succinctly when he said, "Faith is to believe what you do not yet see and the reward of that faith is to finally see what you beli" Today's events were the culmination of that belief.

There you go.

It's yours.

- Oh, Harry!

(car rumbling) All right, let me see it.

(Eric chuckles) - Right, Mr. Rosenbaum, one big fat check to be deposited.

(Eric kisses) - No, please, let me go!

Now, gentlemen, you don't under, I have the money, I have the wh, I'm the richest man in Europe!

I could buy and sell you!

You're hurting my arm.

Now, please, let me go.

I'm in process of negotiating for a rosewood davenport.

Oh!

Lovejoy.

Oh, damn it, I forgot to give you my address, didn't I?

Well, as soon as this little misunderstanding has been cleared up, I... That's a splendid clock.

Oh, I think it's to be... What on earth are you doing?

I deposited the money only yest.

- I'm sure you did, Mr. Rosenba.

- Lovejoy... that wrought-iron thing, the candelabra thing, I know what it is!

- Well, what is it?

- It's a... (doors close) (metal grinding) (ambulance rumbles) (quirky orchestral music) - What is it?

What is it?

What is it?

(gravel rattling) - Blast.

(Reverend grunts) (bike clatters) I hope this is important.

I've canceled my chiropodist on your account, nearly broke me neck on your gr!

- It's about the smoke your nos.

- Well, what about it?

I consider you won the bet.

It's yours.

You do what you wan.

Well, that's just the point.

I don't want to do anything wit.

- Don't follow.

- I want to give it back to you.

Everybody here's a witness.

Well, you will accept it, I tak.

- Of course, but whatever for?

- Ralph'll tell you.

- A similar dish by the same mar has just been sold by us for 70,000 pounds.

- Good God!

- Isn't he just?

- Pay for the roof.

- Exactly.

And you should get about 10,000 in change.

- I'm very grateful, Lovejoy, t. (clock chiming) Nice clock, Lovejoy.

Is it for sale?

- Yeah, but it's eight grand, H. - Make it 10, and I'll take it.

(clock chiming) Now, this is very special, Love.

(metal grinding) What is it?

(upbeat orchestral music)