- [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre" is made possible in part by The Fish House, a Great Southern Restaurant.

Supporting arts, entertainment, and local culture since 1998.

- [Announcer] Pensacon, the Gulf Coast's premier pop culture event is proud to sponsor "Nightmare Theatre."

Pensacon brings celebrities, artists, authors, and more together each February in Pensacola, Florida.

For more information, visit pensacon.com.

(soft music) (thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On Nightmare Theatre - It really was a sight to behold, one time Sapo and I were on there and we competed against Shields and Yarnell.

We lost, but Sapo slipped and fell head-first into a big display of horseradish jars.

I mean, we lost the game, but man, was it funny?

Oh wait, wait.

We're on.

Hello and welcome to "Nightmare Theatre."

I am your host, The Baron Mondo Von Doren.

And here with me is Mittens the Werewolf.

We were discussing one of the most comically obscene things I've ever seen as we wait for one of the most blatantly obscene things any of us has ever seen, El Sapo De Tempesto, to show up with tonight's movie.

(El Sapo scatting) ♪ What's the good word, Mr. Bluebird ♪ - Nope.

No way.

It's not going to happen.

No, you're not doing your Kay Kyser act in here.

Go out and come back in like a normal person.

Well, as close as normal, you can get anyway.

Honestly, I was kind of hoping he wouldn't show up at all.

- Hey fellas, here I am, ready and raring to go.

- I can see that.

I was just telling the rubes, I'm sorry, home viewing audience, that I was hoping you wouldn't come back.

- Well, you know what?

I almost didn't and you are not going, neither of you are going to believe what happened to me today.

- Oh, here we go.

- Well, boss and Mittens, when I woke up this morning, you know, I had the misery in my back real bad.

It was laying me low and the back pills that Mittens gave me weren't helping me.

So you know what I decided to do?

I decided to go down to Chico's Monkey Farm.

- Oh, Chico's Monkey Farm, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

I was hoping to get one of those monkey poultices from Chico to put on my back, any rate, I got to the farm and get this, Chico wasn't there.

So I climbed up and jumped over the fence and I found myself smack dab in the middle of the monkey house- - Where you fit right in.

- All I will say, and this is the absolute truth, those monkeys did not welcome me into their tribe.

- Well, I mean, to be honest, you can't blame them there.

- Well, one monkey was apparently the leader.

So I tried to explain that I was just looking for Chico and a poultice, but apparently get this, monkeys don't understand English, Japanese, or sign language, and a group of them surrounded me.

So I took off running for my very life.

- Listen, pal, no mere mortal can outrun a monkey.

- That's very helpful.

That's information I could have used this morning.

I tell you what.

So again, I took off running to the fence line with a pack of angry monkeys nipping at my heels.

- Please tell me that at least some of those monkeys caught you.

- No, I outran them, but I did tear my good britches.

Tore 'em real bad.

- Oh, what a shame.

- Yeah, it is.

You know what?

Maybe I can get them repaired by the artistic weavers.

The sad thing is I only had three payments left on these here britches.

- No, no, no, no.

I meant it's a shame those monkeys never caught you?

Tell me, monkey boy.

While you were out escaping from your close relatives tonight, did you manage to find a movie?

- No, but when I ran past the chimpanzee grooming station, and I picked up some good tips, by the way, I saw this can on the ground and I picked it up.

Can you show it while I run and get a movie?

- (sighing) Sure.

- Wait, wait, wait, can you give me a countdown?

Like a ready set, go.

Like they do when they start a race.

I want to improve my time in case the monkeys find me again.

- I'll give you the back of my hand if you don't get moving.

- Oh, oh, gotta go.

- And off he goes.

Let's see what he gave us.

(sighing) Oh no.

"Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe.

Chapter One: The Purple Death."

Now I'm not gonna lie.

This is gonna be painful, folks.

More painful than you can imagine.

You know what?

Let's just talk about it when it's over.

Let's just get through this together, somehow.

I wish I had a fast forward button so we could all just get through this.

What, yep.

You know what?

Mittens, you're right.

A reverse button would be way better.

That way I could rewind back to the day I met El Sapo and never take pity on him and give him this job.

What?

Well, well, yes, that would mean I never would have met you.

And honestly, that's a price I'm comfortable paying.

No, no, no.

I don't mean it like that.

You, I like.

You, I like.

El Sapo, "Flash Gordon."

That's something else.

I'll have a lot to say about "Flash Gordon" as we churn through this thing, I do like Flash as a character and his history is fascinating.

But right now I have nothing to say to you other than showing this was not my idea.

So while our tormentor El Sapo looks for a movie, why don't you folks stay tuned as we present "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, Chapter One: The Purple Death", here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(triumphant orchestra music) (thunder crashing) (suspenseful orchestral music) (ominous orchestral music) - [Announcer] Following in the wake of the distressed condition of the world, with dictators, war, and rumors of war.

A ravaging plague has visited the Earth.

(siren wailing) - [Man] Purple Death, Purple Death!

(crowd murmuring) - Stand back, please give me some room!

(intense trumpet music) (crowd murmuring and shouting) - Purple Death.

(all gasp) - We mustn't leave him here.

- [Announcer] The Purple Death, that leaves only a purple spot on the forehead of its victim.

(siren wailing) - [Newsboy] Must read, must read!

Mysterious Purple Death claims new victim!

Hundreds die!

Must read, must read!

- [Announcer] The world's biggest scientists have assembled, to combat this mysterious malady.

- Professor Gordon.

They got through to us.

- There is news I can tell them.

- I'll notify the national networks.

(crowd shouting) - Citizens of the world.

I have just received the first radio message, to come through from Professor Zarkov, and my son, Flash Gordon.

(audience clapping) They have successfully re-penetrated the stratosphere, in Professor Zarkov's rocket ship.

To determine the origin of the electrified dust causing the Purple Death.

They report that all is well, and that they expect to get results, immediately.

(audience clapping and cheering) (dramatic orchestral music) (engine roaring) - Flash.

- What is it Zarkov?

- I've sighted a spaceship.

It's one of Ming's ships from Mongol.

Come here, quick!

- Dale, take the controls.

- Here, have a look.

- It's a Ming ship all right.

Seems to be discharging a, sort of, dust that becomes invisible as it falls.

- We must destroy that ship.

- I'll drop down on it.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Ah, a rocket ship.

They've discovered the source of the Purple Death.

We must destroy them!

Shell out the death dust.

Fly and get above them!

- [Man] It's Zarkov's Earth ship.

They're approaching rapidly.

(engine roaring) - Careful, Flash they're turning towards the deck!

- Move it in reverse.

(engine roaring) - We're in firing position sir.

- So burn them to a cinder.

(engine roaring) (gun firing) (explosions booming) (explosions booming) - Get above them, get above them!

They're crippled, they're going down.

(engine roaring) Ming'll be pleased when he hears about this.

- Zarkov, let me have the controls.

(engine roaring) - Oh, I thought sure we were crashing.

- [Flash] That's what I wanted the enemy to think.

Their ray rifle crippled our rocket gun.

- We must've damaged the ship.

They're heading back toward Mongol.

- [Flash] Good, and they'll report to Ming that they knocked on Professor Zarkov's rocket ship.

- But Ming was in other ships to scatter that fiendish dust.

America controlled the defense against us in an attack.

- [Flash] Yes, I know.

Our only chance is to get the Mongol.

Find Prince Barin and solicit his aid.

Zarkov, radio the Earth, report what's happened.

Tell them what we're going to do.

- Yes, it's our only chance to save them.

(ominous orchestra music) We're over Arboria, Prince Barin's kingdom.

- [Dale] Oh look, there's Prince Barin's palace.

- Stand by to land.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - [Zarkov] Look among those trees.

(ominous violin music) - Ming's spies might be the palace.

- [Flash] They may even suspected that we were in Arboria.

They wouldn't hesitate to destroy Prince Barin's entire kingdom.

- [Zarkov] Even at the risk of killing his own daughter, now Barin's wife.

- Flash!

- There's Barin!

(calm orchestra music) - Flash!

- Barin I'm glad to see you!

- How are you?

- Barin!

- Zarkov!

- Dale!

- Hello, Barin.

- Oh, this is a happy day.

- Glad to see you.

- It's been a long time.

- I rushed in the palace as soon as your rocket ship was described.

- Well receiving us with drawn bows.

- We must always be on guard against some trick of Ming's.

- Ming?

Then he is alive?

- Yes, and rules more ruthlessly than ever.

- And Dora, is she well?

- Yes, and very happy.

Come on, see for yourselves when she returns from the hunt.

- Feels great to get into these clothes again, Ronald.

- Your old sword, Flash.

I've kept it, hoping that someday I'd had a chance to hand it back to you.

- (laughs) Thank you, Ronald.

Great blade.

- The banquet's on.

Come on let's go.

- Wait a minute, Ronald.

Tell me, why did Barin go to all the trouble of having a banquet, when he knows the necessity of our getting to Ming immediately?

- The banquet was already arranged.

In honor of Queen Fria of Frigia.

- Frigia?

- A frozen kingdom to the north of Mongol.

You see, Queen Fria is here to seek Prince Barin's aid on a mission concerning Ming.

(crowd chatters) (slow violin music) - Your Majesty.

- I'm looking forward to meeting the Earthman, Flash Gordon.

Where is he?

- Shall we go?

- Your Majesty will pardon me?

- The prince of royalty hurries to meet him?

- Your Majesty, Queen Fria.

May I present the Earthman, Flash Gordon?

- Your Majesty.

- Arraigned counselor, Count Coro.

Well, shall we dine?

(dramatic orchestral music) (gong ringing) (ominous orchestra music) - We've succeeded in destroying Professor Zarkov's rocket ship sir.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, sire, it plunged toward the planet Earth, completely out of control.

- Good, very good.

Then the Earth will still be ignorant, as to the source of the Purple Death.

- [Guard] That is all.

- Now, gender, what brings you up from my laboratories?

- To ask your permission sire.

To perform a laboratory test upon the selected prisoners.

- Your Majesty, I demand to know why I, and the thousands of others with me, are held prisoners in your filthy concentration camps?

- You plotted with your Queen Fria to refuse my demands.

You'll meet the same fate as all those who opposed me.

Now gender, what matter of tested of you in mind, that requires the living subjects for experimentation?

- In your laboratory sire, I have perfected the death dust.

- Perfected?

(chuckles) It is already capable of killing every living creature.

Of depopulating the universe.

- That's just it sire.

At present it kills everything, everybody.

- Yes?

Go on.

- Wouldn't it be better sire, if the Purple Death spared those millions of slaves to labor for you, and killed only those with intelligence enough to opposed you?

- You can name your own reward if you can prove this to me.

- Tonight sire, tonight in the power room, I assure you.

- I'll be there.

(melancholy violin music) - You see, my friends, Ming has captured my General Lupi, and I've vowed to spare nothing until he's rescued.

- I have an idea, Your Highness.

While Zarkov and I are destroying Ming's power room, your men can rescue General Lupi.

- But if we should fail, and Ming discovers our plot?

- Why he would destroy Arboria, even if the risk of killing his own daughter, Aura.

- To aid you my friends, Barin and I will take the chance.

- But you won't have to, if we all go dressed as Frigians.

- Well then, he will attack Frigia.

- No, his soldiers would freeze.

Only we Frigians possess the secret of enduring our country's extreme cold.

- An important reply from Captain Sudan, Your Highness.

- Captain Sudan has command of Ming's palace guards.

However, he is still loyal to me, and I have means of contacting him, unknown to Ming.

"Of the war in my power to help your cause.

General Lupi to be executed with other prisoners tonight!

Thankfully, Captain Sudan."

- We'll make our final plans on the way.

Dale, you stay here with Queen Fria.

- Bravo.

- So Flash?

- Yes?

- This is Captain Brokaw.

- Captain Brokaw.

- I'd be pleased if you'd accept him as your aid and companion.

One of my A-list officers.

- Thank you, Barin.

I'm sure he is.

- I welcome this chance to help you.

I remember that, had it not been for what you accomplished on your first trip here, there would be no free men on Mongol.

- (chuckles) Has plenty of help, Brokaw, and I needed it.

- Well, I'll delay you no longer.

Goodbye, and safe return.

- Thank you, Barin.

(triumphant orchestra music) (engine roaring) - When we get over Ming's kingdom, we should land near the entrance of the abandoned drain tunnel.

Our ship can be well-concealed there.

- I remember the place.

- When the tunnel gates are opened, you will be able to get through to the power rooms.

(engine roaring) (ominous orchestra music) - In the rays of that special tests, like inside the cabinets, sire, you will be able to see the death dust as it enters the chamber.

Mog, bring in the prisoners!

(engine roaring) - Follow me to the tunnel entrance.

- This man of low intellect has the type of mind that is easily controlled by a superior will.

This man, has a type of thinking brain that exercises a will of it's own.

A type we must destroy.

- Sire!

There is no dictator in the universe powerful enough to destroy human thought.

- Place him in the dust chamber.

(anxious orchestra music) - Carrying out Captain Sudan's instructions, Count Coro and I will leave you here, and permit ourselves to be arrested by Ming's guards.

- Good luck.

- Ready, Your Majesty?

You see, Your Majesty?

The man of simple intellect is saved.

- A significant demonstration, don't you think General Lupi?

You have seen now, how well it works on a Frigian noble.

Mog, place him in the chamber.

(alarm ringing) - Probably some trouble in the prison ward, sire.

- No, that alarm meant that someone had been captured.

- [Announcer] Two trespassers were captured, forcing entrance into the palace, sir.

They wear the uniforms of Frigian soldiers.

- Frigian soldiers, huh?

Send them directly to me for questioning.

- Delay the demonstration.

Come, quickly!

(ominous orchestra music) - You better return to your posts.

I'll question the prisoners in private.

- Ronald.

- So far, so good Captain Sudan.

Prince Barin got your message.

- I would do anything for Prince Barin.

- This is Count Coro of Frigia.

- A couple of more minutes, and I'm going to search for them.

- The others are at the mouth of the abandoned tunnel.

I understand, Captain, that the gate barricading the tunnel are operated from this control room.

- Broman got to Captain Sudan all right.

Go ahead.

- Now, Captain, how can you aid us in liberating the Frigian prisoner, General Lupi?

(suspenseful orchestral music) - My Imperial Majesty.

- Two Frigians, what are they doing in here?

- I have been questioning them, sire.

They came with the command of Queen Fria to attempt the rescue of General Lupi.

- You intelligent-looking specimens.

Let us put the intelligence of all three to the test.

My death dust will decide whether or not, they are to live.

Take these two prisoners to the pit room at once.

(triumphant orchestra music) - Flash, this passage leads to the power room.

- Count Coro, Ronald!

- At least you're still alive.

- But not for long, my friends.

(chuckles) Gender, I have brought you some new prisoners to experiment with.

- Turn on the death dust.

(gun firing) - Flash Gordon!

- You didn't think you'd get away with this, did you Ming?

Brokaw, disarm them.

Throw their guns in that pit Turan, go ahead.

- You got here just in time, Flash.

- Count Coro, you and General Lupi get back to the rocket ship right away.

Turan, Turan keep them covered.

Where's the main power switch?

- Here it is!

(suspenseful orchestra music) (glass breaking) - They've broken the glass chamber!

I'll release the death dust and kill them all!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (explosion booming) - Zarkov!

You've destroyed my laboratory.

- Yes, your destruction of our people has gone far enough.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (man screaming) - Kill them!

Kill them!

(men grunting) - No Mittens, you'll just have to take my word for it.

The death was purple even though the serial was in black and white.

Wait, wait.

Oh, we're back on.

Well, folks, I tried to warn you.

I'm like Paul Revere riding across the land, kicking up sand and screaming, "Something bad is coming, something bad is coming.

Avert your eyes."

I warned you not to watch, but if you did watch, did you notice how both Flash and that other lunkhead fell into that bottomless pit at the end there.

It looks like it's curtains for our old pal Flash, right?

Well, I wouldn't mark him off your Christmas card just yet.

Speaking of things I like to mark off my list, where's El Sapo with tonight's movie?

- Here I am, boys.

- Nice to see you.

I get so distressed when you're, when we're we're this far in the show and you haven't produced a movie yet.

Are you okay?

Can I get you anything?

Is your back still troubling you?

- No, I'm good boss, but that's very kind of you to ask.

- Are you sure you don't need a bandaid or any aspirin?

- Why would I need a band-aid or an Aspirin?

- Because if you don't have a movie it's going to hurt.

It's going to hurt real bad.

- I did find a movie, boss.

I found this one on a shelf with the roach motels and the bags of black jelly beans.

Check it out.

- Oh no.

I got to sit down, guys.

- What's the matter boss, are you not feeling well?

- I never feel well when you're around.

I can usually put on a brave face, but I'm not sure I can fake it through this one.

- Well, why?

Whatever do you mean boss?

What did I do?

- This movie you brought us.

I think I'm having a reaction to it.

- Did I get black jelly bean juice on it or something?

I don't remember doing anything like that.

I could wipe it off if that helps.

- No you dolt.

It's what's inside the can that's crippling me.

Do you bother to read the label?

- I couldn't read it.

It's got some kind of warning label on it.

Take it off and see what it is.

(sighing) (groaning) "Snowbeast."

That is a very catchy title.

I like the sound of that one.

"Snowbeast."

- Don't say it out loud.

Maybe there's still time to find another movie.

You said you could run fast, run now and find another movie.

- There's no time, boss, besides I looked high and I looked low and I looked everywhere up and down my elbow.

And this is it.

We are stuck with it.

- The same way I'm stuck with you.

Next time, I oughta send Mittens out for a movie.

- You know, the last time you did that, he came back with that dead squirrel.

- Honestly, I would rather watch a dead squirrel than this movie.

- That squirrel did make good chili come to think of it.

But come on, boss, come on.

This movie can't possibly be that bad.

Let's start with something simple.

Who wrote the movie?

- This film was written by Joe Stefano.

- I know that name.

- Well, that's a big surp, wait, really?

You do?

- Sure.

Joe Stefano.

He ran a pizza place on Mulberry Street in Brooklyn in the late 1940s.

I used to eat there all the time back when I was in the Navy, before I got shipped out to the South Pacific.

- Sapo, you were never in the Navy and nevermind.

This particular Joe Stefano wrote the screenplay for "Psycho."

- You know, come to think of it, I bet it is a different guy, but I don't know, I don't know, man.

Joe's menus were pretty interesting.

He can tell you folks some stories about pepperoni.

I guess he could have written a screenplay come to think of it.

- Sapo, I assure you, it's a different guy, Joe Stefano wrote one good screenplay, "Psycho", in 1960 and a truckload of clunkers.

He's written screenplays so bad the World Health Organization had to step in for the public safety.

Horrible scripts like "Eye of the Cat" in 1964, "Revenge" in 1971, and I swear, I'm not making this up, "Aloha Means Goodbye" in 1974.

He churned out this particular one in 1977.

- That was the same year that I put out my soul and funk album.

Remember that?

- (sighing) No, no way.

We do not need to ever talk about that again.

- But I sold three copies of this album.

Say speaking of sales and box offices and revenue, did this money do well at the box office?

- This thing didn't play at theaters.

This was a TV movie, a made for TV movie.

- Oh, that's not a bad thing.

I bet you a lot of made for TV movies have been good.

- Name three.

- Well, hold on.

Help me out here.

- See?

There are none.

There aren't any.

- But there's got to be something good about this particular one.

- No, there's nothing.

- What about, let me ask you this, what about the director and the cast?

- Well, the director is, get this, a guy named Herb Wallerstein.

His resume is chock full of TV shows like "The Farmer's Daughter", "I Dream of Jeannie", and "Gunsmoke."

This is the only movie he has under his belt.

The only one.

And man did he crash right out of the gate.

- But let's try to be, what about the rest of the cast though?

I've got you here.

- With two exceptions, the world has never seen a bigger and sadder collection of hacks, has-beens, and never-wases.

On the plus side, this film features Bo Svenson and Clint Walker.

Svenson played Buford Pusser in the drive-in classics "Walking Tall Part 2" and "Final Chapter Walking Tall".

Walker played Posey in "The Dirty Dozen."

Other than those two, the rest of the cast seemed like embalmed mannequins lifelessly reading off cue cards.

- Well, tell me this.

This is an important question.

How did this Joe Stefano guy get the idea for this film?

- Well see, in 1967, two men, Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin filmed an encounter with Bigfoot and it became a pop culture sensation.

- Wait, I'm not following.

what is a Bigfeet?

What is a Bigfoot?

- Listen, we don't have time for a cryptozoology lesson at the moment.

Sapo, we have to get this movie started.

The sooner we start, the sooner it will end.

So unless someone is kind enough to hack into the national power grid and take us offline, we're stuck with this painful, terrible film.

No takers?

Then let's start the 1977 blight on both filmmaking and Bigfoot known as "Snowbeast", here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(static hissing) (wind howling) (ominous orchestral music) (monster roaring) (light orchestral music) (Jennifer giggling) - Boy.

Come on, let's go.

- Hey, Jennifer, let's go back.

- Well, why?

It's a gorgeous day.

- Because there's something funny.

- Oh, come on.

Jeez.

(ominous orchestral music) - Hey, Jennifer, look at these.

- Some joker.

Snowshoes from some mail-order novelty house.

(creature roaring) (ominous orchestral music) (Jennifer screaming) (light orchestral music) - [Carrie] Hello, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Carrie Rill as you probably know, and I'd like to welcome all of you to the Rill Lodge and our 50th Annual Rill Carnical.

We've got cross-country skiing, snow-mobiling, dogsled racing, and every variety of Alpine skiing.

(crowd cheering) Downhill slalom, and freestyle skiing.

(crowd cheering) It's what we used to call hot-dogging.

(all laughing) But you hot-doggers will be judge on grace and originality.

Not on your audacity.

(crowd cheering) - [Man] There's Betty Jo, the Snow Queen.

Betty Jo!

(crowd cheering) - Mrs. Rill, hi, how are you?

- Hail to the Queen!

(crowd cheering) - [Buster] Charlie, is Mr. Rill in?

- Can I help you, Buster?

- Come on, Charlie.

- No.

Uh, Tony, could you come out here a second?

Buster Smith wants to talk to you.

- Hi, Buster.

What can I do for you?

- Mr. Rill, can I talk to you a moment in private?

(clearing throat) - Sure.

- I am so pleased you remembered, Betty Jo, even though your mother's too young to remember, that I was the very first queen of our very first Winter Carnival.

But I was only 16.

That was, uh, 50 years ago.

- I'll be right back.

- Tony, this is a fine time to be going skiing.

- Eh, hardly, Grandma.

We have a little problem.

- The manager takes care of big problems, which we don't have at Rill Lodge.

- No, no big problems here, Grandma.

- He thinks because he's my grandson he can treat me as if I were his grandmother.

(chuckling) - [Tony] Heidi?

Heidi, could you explain to me exactly where- - You won't believe me, either.

Nobody will ever believe me.

- Well, what's more important, finding your friend or trying to convince us that there's some kind of monster out there?

- There is.

I saw its footprints.

I heard it.

And it's got Jennifer.

And all anybody's doing around here is staring at me like I'm crazy.

- Nobody thinks you're crazy.

The problem is the patrolmen haven't been able to find Jennifer yet.

In fact, they can't even find your tracks.

So you're gonna have to get a hold of yourself and take us back out there again.

And if- - I'm not going back.

Please, don't ask me to.

Please, I can't!

(ominous orchestral music) - Okay, okay.

But you can describe the spot, can't you?

- No.

Ah, the only thing I can remember are those footprints.

(shuddering) I'm cold.

I'm scared.

But I'm so cold.

God, what am I gonna tell Jennifer's parents?

They always expect me to keep an eye on her.

I'm gonna call them right now.

- No, no, no.

Don't worry them unnecessarily like that.

We're gonna find Jennifer, I promise you.

Let's get back to the lodge and get yourself warmed up.

I'll have Buster drive you down.

Hey, try not to worry, okay?

We're gonna find her, I'm telling you.

- Tony, you pass an old barn off by itself near a stream.

- Good girl.

Take her down to the lodge.

Have my grandmother keep an eye on her.

I'd hate to have our guests or anybody at Carnival hear that kind of story, from any of us, huh?

(motor starting and revving) Let's split up, see what we can find.

We'll meet back at the lodge in a half hour.

Let's go.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Jennifer!

(ominous music) (guttural roaring) - Can we have your autograph, Mr. Seberg?

You gave my father one at the '68 Winter Olympics.

But then when you won that gold medal, he sold it.

- He did?

(laughing) What did he get for it?

- Don't tell him.

Let him keep his illusions.

- Thank you.

Will you be staying for the whole Winter Carnival?

- I think so.

- That's just great.

Well, thank you.

- What?

It's nice to feel wanted somewhere.

Coming?

- [Tony] Hey, hi, Bob.

- [Bob] Hi, Tony.

- Hey, Tony!

- Heh, I don't think he recognized us.

- I think he did.

- Perhaps he's got something more important to do right now.

- Nope.

Good old Tony knows I'm gonna ask him for a job.

- How could he know that?

He hasn't heard from you in ages.

- Ellen, you were right.

Coming up here was a dumb idea.

- I never said it was a dumb idea.

I just said you might be better off looking for work outside the ski business.

- This is all I know how to do.

- You know what I think, Gar?

You don't really want a job.

This is just an excuse to back out and still feel right about it.

- This wasn't an animal!

And it wasn't human, either.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Well, that certainly narrows it down.

- I don't know.

- Did the other men see it?

- I don't think so.

- You didn't ask them?

- If they'd have seen it, they'd have told me!

- They thought Heidi was imagining things.

They couldn't possibly think that of you.

One word from you'd, it'd be all over town in a minute.

Well, it's a fine time to have a panic just before our Winter Carnival.

- I'm not hiding anything.

I didn't tell the men because I wanted to get them out of the area as quick as I could!

- Not because you have a vested interest in the future of this resort?

- Grandma, I'm gonna try to spell it out for you very simple.

There's something very strange and very dangerous out there.

And if I thought it would stay up there, fine.

We could designate the area avalanche prone and just seal it off.

- Well, if it were gonna come any nearer, wouldn't it have done so by now?

- What do you base that on?

You don't know anything about it.

I mean, you don't know how long it's been up there, when it got there.

Could have got there last night.

- Just in time for the Winter Carnival.

- What are you being so facetious about?

- For Heaven's sake!

What do you want us to do?

- Report it to Sheriff Paraday immediately.

- Report what to Sheriff Paraday?

Can you hear yourself describing what you saw, what you thought you saw?

Tony, we need this carnival.

It's what keeps the tourists coming here all year round.

The whole town needs it.

- I know all that.

- Well, then let's just hold our fire until the carnival is over.

I agree with you.

Let's designate the area, restricted.

Tell the maintenance crew to put up a slew of signs.

- And what do you tell Jennifer's parents?

- Tony, I, I'm not being insensitive, just realistic.

You know what I think?

I think it was an avalanche.

Bodies do disappear in avalanches, you know.

- Are you forgetting about Heidi?

- I'm, I'm not worried about Heidi.

And I certainly don't have to worry about you, Tony, do I?

After all, you are my grandson.

(door slamming) - Charlie, see if you locate Sheriff Paraday for me.

- Oh, all right.

- Gar, Ellen, I'm sorry I had to keep running.

I had a crisis.

But you two look great!

Does he, uh, still wear his gold medals to bed?

(all laughing) Listen, I'm still running.

Let's get together, have a drink later on and confess everything.

(dramatic orchestral music) And I'd forgotten how beautiful you are.

You always were the winner.

- I need a job, Tony.

- Not anymore, you don't.

- Mr. Rill, I heard you didn't find the girl.

You want me to go up to- - Where have you been?

With Heidi?

- Yeah.

- How is she?

- Eh, your grandmother and the doctor gave her something, put her out for a while.

She was in pretty bad shock.

Look, Mr. Rill, I'm supposed to have the rest of the day off.

I got a pretty good idea where the girl is up there on that mountain.

if it's all right with you, I'd like to take a couple of patrollers up there, look around, see what I can find.

- No, and that's an order.

- May I ask why?

- 'Cause I don't want anybody up there.

I want the area posted.

You get a hold of Ben Cochran in maintenance.

You tell him to get ready to put a lot of signs up there.

- Yes sir.

Saying what?

- What?

- How do you want the signs to read?

- Restricted area.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (suspenseful orchestral music) (faint roaring) (suspenseful orchestral music) (man grunting) (suspenseful orchestral music) (grunting) (creature growling and roaring) (man screaming) (thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - Okay, so it's called Dogs Don't Know it's Not Bacon, but that is completely not true.

You cannot fool a dog.

A dog, they know it is not bacon.

- You've tried it, haven't you?

- I have tried it and it does taste like bacon, I admit.

- Shh, hold it down.

All right, we're here once again in the, what is this, it's the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement with the curator from the Merrill Movie Museum.

And he looks like he's brought us some of Sapo's relatives today.

I don't know- - My Aunt Charlene.

- Yeah, it looks like her.

- [Curator] That explains why he wears the mask.

- Yeah.

- No, these, these particular masks were made for the film "Planet Terror", which you may know better as part of the theatrical release "Grindhouse", which was Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino kind of paying tribute to their roots and the movies that they grew up with.

They each wanted to make like a B-movie that would play on a double feature and you know, in the '70s in like a really rundown theater.

- They went back in time and did this?

- No.

- It doesn't work that way, Sapo.

- So Robert Rodriguez made "Planet Terror", which was a riff on the zombie movie and Quentin Tarantino made "Death Proof", which was a riff on like a slasher slash auto-racing movie, combined in one, which is weird.

- "Two Lane Blacktop".

- There you go, "Thunder Road."

- Right.

- That kind of thing.

- Right, right.

So these particular masks were made for "Planet Terror."

And this is what the creatures eventually looked like once they were taken over by the zombies.

It was kind of a weird zombie thing.

And it was like some kind of government experiment.

People got injected with this and turned into this.

And in fact, one of the people that did was Quentin Tarantino.

- He got injected?

- He was, yeah, he did become one of the zombies.

A fun movie.

It was a fun production the way they put it out.

If you actually got to see it in the theater, which not a lot of people did, but I did, they would have the film break and cut out and there'd be intermission music.

They really tried to give you that experience that you might've had in one of these, you know, dirty greasy rundown theaters.

- They also had a trailer show in between that they had several director friends, people like Eli Roth and Edgar Wright make their own trailers to put in between that we're kind of in the Grindhouse style, that style of '70s, '60s, '70s, kind of a low-budget exploitation films that, you know, some of the ones that we'd like to show on our show, in fact.

But yeah, that's kind of how this thing would play out in theaters.

You know, a lot of people didn't get it at the time, which was unfortunate.

They kind of thought, you know, well, you know, it's a, well, what's wrong with the film.

They would go in and see it.

And they go, well, we thought this was a Quentin Tarantino thing.

And you know, but no, it was meant to look that way.

It was meant to look like an old film.

- Right.

And you know, one of those trailers did go on to become a film series.

- That's right.

- Robert Rodriguez did a, like a Mex-ploitation trailer for a film called "Machete."

- Danny Trejo.

- Danny Trejo.

He ended up making that film and making a sequel to that film.

And there's been some threats over the years for some of the other trailers to become full films as well.

I think the one people most wanted to see was Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving", which is basically a Thanksgiving riff on "Halloween", which is a really fun little trailer.

Edgar Wright's trailer is very much a Hammer Horror kind of film called "Don't."

- Very '70s.

Yes.

- And then of course there's- - Rob Zombie.

- Rob Zombie's "Werewolf Women of the SS."

- Yes.

- So, you know, we may see some of those come into fruition eventually.

Rob Zombie is working on "The Munsters" right now.

So maybe not so much with the "Werewolf Women of the SS".

- We won't see them in that one.

- Yeah.

But beautifully detailed mask, great work from the studio K and B, who did a lot of great effects work.

And had worked with Tarantino and Rodriguez a lot.

- [Baron] And these would have been masks like over the head.

- Yeah.

These are, these are full-on masks as you can see, you know, somebody's head would go in there and there's kind of a slit there that's been kind of glued back together, but this would have gone- - Do we know who's head went in that?

- We do not know specifically.

- Most likely these were background people probably 'cause this wasn't a straight up makeup that you would see front and center.

These would probably be people in the background.

- Right.

And this one's actually on a fake guy, you can kind of see this, the stand there so you can see how I head would fit inside that.

- Yeah.

- My head wouldn't.

- No, your head certainly wouldn't.

We'd have to get these masks specially made, you know, Mexican tent-makers actually make Sapo's masks.

So anyway, we want to say thank you again for bringing us such fascinating pieces.

Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez.

"Grindhouse."

Something you should go check out and enjoy in its normal form, its natural form.

And we're going to get back to our movie, here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- It really does look like my Aunt Charlene.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (faint roaring) (suspenseful orchestral music) - John, where ya going?

(distant roaring) (suspenseful orchestral music) (guttural breathing) - What's the matter, son?

What's the matter?

Speak up.

- Inside, the water truck.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (guttural breathing) (liquid dripping) - Oh my.

(gasping) - [Officer] Unit two calling unit one.

Unit two calling unit one.

- Unit two, go ahead.

- [Officer] Sheriff, some ski patroller wants to talk to you.

- Yeah, what about?

- [Officer] The man said murder.

- What?

Where?

- [Officer] Down at the old Fairchild place.

- I'm on my way.

Tony!

- [Sheriff] It's gonna have to wait.

- Wait a minute!

(siren wailing) (group chattering) - Sorry I'm late.

How's our new superstar?

- Your grandmother decided that a living legend is just what this place needs.

- Hm.

Uh, may I have some coffee, please?

Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Seberg?

- Yes, thank you, Mr. Rill.

- Tea.

(sighing) - [Ellen] What is it, Tony?

- Oh, pressures.

Comes with, ah- - [Ellen] Inheriting all this.

- Mm.

- I must tell you, I'm very impressed.

You really built this into something.

- [Tony] Why, thank you.

- Thank you for giving Gar a job.

- Nah, it's all in our favor.

But he told me he had a hard time getting you up here.

How come?

- (scoffing) Well, I only get two weeks off a year, you know.

And I had my heart set on a warm climate.

- Mm.

- And I, I was afraid of seeing you again.

(Tony chuckling) After all this time, everything we had- - What did you think would happen?

- I don't know.

I've been having a lot of fantasies about you for the last year.

(Tony laughing) - [Tony] Fantasies about me?

Good or bad?

- Not bad.

A friend of mine, a doctor, said that, when a woman starts having fantasies about the man she didn't marry, she's not getting enough realities from the man she did.

- Hm.

I think your, friend, is talking to you about sexual realities.

And you're not.

- Reality is the problem.

You know, Tony, if were an archeologist or something, it wouldn't be so bad.

But I'm a reporter.

Television is all here and now.

It's exciting.

It's challenging.

It's stimulating.

That's where I am all day.

Then I go home to Gar.

And it's the winter of '68.

That's where he is.

- How long has he been like that?

- Do you know that he hasn't been up on his skis since he won the gold medals?

- That's incredible.

Well, maybe coming up here will change all that.

- Not his fault entirely.

25% of the world watched him win those medals.

The President called him.

He was on magazine covers.

He did television commercials.

He was a hero for an instant.

And whatever it takes to go back to being an ordinary mortal, Gar doesn't have it.

It's, it's really a form of paralysis.

- Well, as I see the problem, Doctor, you're still in love with the man.

- If only I could fall out of love with him.

It'd be so much easier.

You know, a marriage can survive a lot of things.

But it can't survive lack of respect.

And I've lost about all the respect I ever had for him.

(dramatic orchestral music) I need a nap.

- Wait a minute.

You know what you need?

You need to have someone say he loves you.

And I do, you know.

I always have.

(sighing) - I saw that, you know.

Kissing my wife in public?

Hey, you know, guess who's been elected to crown Queen Betty Jo?

Yours truly.

Ta-da.

- Mm.

Gar, are you still a good marksman?

- You mean on the rifle range?

- No, not necessarily.

- (laughing) What do you mean?

- Okay, whatever I tell you, you have to promise me not to repeat it to anybody?

- Okay.

You're serious, aren't you?

- Mm-hm.

- Not even Ellen?

- Especially Ellen.

- Why especially Ellen?

- Because she's a news person.

- Okay.

- [Carrie] Tony.

- Meet me in an hour at the swimming pool, okay?

- Okay.

- You'd better take the boy home now, Mr. Cochran.

I appreciate your help.

- Yeah, okay, sure.

- Thanks, John.

(ominous orchestral music) - [Gar] Something is troubling you, Tony.

Why don't you tell me what it is?

- You remember a news story a few months back?

Eh, um, some hikers claimed that one of their party, a young girl, was carried off by a 12-foot, Harry monster?

- Yeah, Bigfoot.

- Do you believe in such a creature?

- I really don't know.

But, you know they say that there are hundreds of 'em roaming around all over the country.

- Who says?

- Lots of people.

Right after that story broke, Ellen did a special on the Bigfoot controversy.

So she traveled all over the country, interviewed dozens of people who supposedly had seen one of them.

Has one of them been seen around here?

Is that what your crisis is all about?

- Well, I saw something, Gar.

It was monstrous.

And it wasn't an animal.

And it wasn't human, either.

(Gar chuckling) - And now you find that you're too rational and too realistic to allow yourself to believe it was something else, is that it?

- Um, mmm, little bit of all that.

- And that's why you hired me, to go out and blow its brains out, right?

Talk about friendship.

You're really something else.

- [Tony] I didn't give you a job as a hired killer, Gar.

- Well, of course not.

You were only thinking of this town that you love so very much.

- You're damn right I am.

That thing is dangerous, Gar.

- Hey, just because it doesn't look like you or me makes it a thing.

And then it's all right to go out and kill it in cold blood, right?

And how do you know it's dangerous?

Everyone who's ever been in contact with one says exactly the same thing.

It stares at you for a few seconds.

And then it disappears again into the wilderness.

- Except when it feels like carrying off a young girl.

- That story turned out to be a hoax.

- I'm not talking about that story.

I'm talking about one of our guests!

I found her jacket the other day.

It looked like it'd been ripped off her body.

And it was blood-stained.

And I believe that thing killed her.

- Have you seen my husband?

- No, Ellen, I haven't.

Jimmy, are you looking for me?

- No.

Sheriff Paraday needs to see Tony right away.

Do you have any idea where he might be?

- No, I haven't.

(lightly giggling) Well, Ellen, it seems as if both our men are missing.

Is something wrong?

- Nothing you want to hear about.

Now, look, I gotta get right back out there.

As soon as he shows up, will you tell him the sheriff wants him to come right out to the old Fairchild farm?

(light orchestral music) (snowmobile approaching) - Sheriff, I went out to the Rill Lodge.

They don't know where Tony is.

And I talked to Mrs. Rill.

I told her, as soon as he shows up, send him out here right away.

- Okay.

- You make anything of this?

(suspenseful orchestral music) (indistinct) (suspenseful orchestral music) - Hello and welcome back.

I know you're not enjoying "Snowbeast", but I promise we'll make it through this together, somehow.

- That snowbeast seems like a mean guy boss.

- Well, yeah, he did kill that woman, but so far, I think I'm on the side of the snowbeast.

- Why would you say something like that?

What do you mean?

- Look, the snowbeast was minding his own business and then these snow bunnies suddenly started skiing through his domain.

He was just minding his own business, living his life.

And these people just showed up in his territory.

Of course he got upset.

I mean, I would've chased them out of my yard too.

Well, I would have had you two do it, but still.

- And we would have done it too, wouldn't we, Mittens?

Oh, you just try and let somebody come in here and disrupt us while we're showing a movie or playing "Mystery Date", and see what happens to them.

I'll protect you boss.

- Yeah, yeah whatever, we get it.

Calm down, Chuck Norris.

No need to get aggressive.

- Okay.

The thought of someone coming in here just always gets me riled up.

Okay, let me breathe.

(breathing heavily) Okay, I am calm, but here's a question.

Here's a question.

What is a snowbeast, boss?

- He is what we call a cryptid.

- What does that word mean?

- A cryptid is a creature that people claim and believe exists, but hasn't been proven by science yet.

Like that girlfriend in Niagara Falls you claim exists yet none of us has ever seen it.

She too is probably a cryptid.

- I have never heard that word before in my life.

And I think you just made it up.

- Cryptids exist in every country on the planet.

Every culture has an animal they believe exists.

Be it Bigfoot, Yeti, Yowie, the Skunk Ape, Mothman, or even sea and lake monsters.

Most cryptids represent a fear of the unknown, the universal wildman myth.

Early man invented legends to keep members of the tribe from wandering off and forming their own tribes.

As in, don't go into those woods.

That's where the Sapos dwell.

Early mapmakers placed sea monsters on the edges of maps, warning folks not to go too far out to sea because the Kraken was waiting.

So in a sense, the cryptid can be viewed as a manifestation of our darkest fears like that girlfriend you claim you have.

- Ah, but you were talking about Bigfoot earlier in that Peterson film.

- Patterson film.

- Yeah, that one.

You know what, you know, come to think of it, I saw that once.

I was at a bus station in Provo, Utah, and some nun was watching "In Search Of"s on one of them Pay TVs you know, like when you put it in a quarter and you can watch a few minutes.

I saw, most of it, until she caught me looking over her shoulder and chased me off.

Was that film real?

Or was it a fella in a monkey suit?

Do things like Bigfeet really exist?

- Of course.

They're as real as you and me.

Well me at least.

And until I find a way to make a few bucks off of them, cryptids should be left alone.

- But what about the scary, dangerous ones?

- Listen, they aren't bothering anyone.

I have taken a live and let live approach so long as the snowbeast's business interests do not conflict with my business interests, he's okay in my book.

Again, I think the main problem here is fear.

People are afraid of what they do not understand.

You of all people should know that.

- Oh, I do boss.

I do indeed.

To this day I run a scream and every time I see Jello jiggling on a plate, especially if it's got pineapple in it.

- Well, I was actually talking about how people don't understand you, but either way.

- I guess the main takeaway here, maybe, just because we do not understand, the word, what's the word?

- Cryptid.

- Thanks.

So cryptids.

Just because we do not understand what a cryptoid is, we shouldn't be afraid of us.

Ah, I bet odds are it won't hurt any of us.

- Right.

Let's get back to something that can and will hurt us.

More of "Snowbeast" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- Hey, Tony, I thought I saw something up there.

- Come on, we gotta get to the barn.

Sheriffs waiting for us.

(wind howling) (suspenseful orchestral music) Hey, Cole!

I got here as fast as I could.

This is Gar Seberg, our new ski school director.

Sheriff Paraday.

What's up?

- Well, I think we found that missing girl.

- Where?

- Cochran's boy found her in the side bed.

I understand she was a guest at the lodge.

I was hoping you could help me identify her.

- (sighing) Well, I must have seen her somewhere.

Maybe I'll recognize her when I see her face.

- She doesn't have one.

(dramatic orchestral music) It's pretty obvious she wasn't murdered.

Only human beings commit murder.

And whatever did that wasn't even halfway human.

What do you think, Tony?

Can you help me?

Is that her?

- That's her.

- What do you base that on?

- Color of her suit.

- How would you know the color of her clothes?

- [Tony] It matches the jacket I found.

- You found a jacket?

Where?

- On the north slope.

We were looking for her up there yesterday.

Her friend thought she might have had an accident.

- So the patrollers told me.

But they didn't say anything about a jacket.

- We spread out in different directions, Cole.

- But you came together again.

- That's right.

- So why didn't you show them the jacket?

- What?

- Why didn't you show them the jacket, Tony?

- I left it where I found it, as a marker.

- Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

(Tony exhaling deeply) - That's right.

I wanted to see you about it first.

I didn't want to put the town in a panic.

- And what about this stuff, uh, Heidi told the patrol about a monster?

- Heidi only saw the footprints.

I saw the thing, itself.

- All right, tell me about it.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (Ellen panting) (distant roaring) (distant roaring) - Well, I can certainly understand your grandmother not wanting any of this to get out.

You know, she may be right about it being a grizzly.

Winter attacks are not all that rare, you know.

- Cole, it's not a grizzly.

- What do you think it is?

- Gar thinks it's one of those legendary creatures called Bigfoot.

- That's right.

- The legends I've heard about Bigfoot put him pretty firmly in the Pacific Northwest.

- Not necessarily, Sheriff.

Ellen tells me there, there are hundreds of them roaming around all over the country.

- [Sheriff] Ellen?

- Oh, my wife.

She's a TV journalist.

And a while back, she did a special on the Bigfoot controversy.

- Did they settle anything?

- Nah, not what you, a sheriff, would consider hard evidence.

But she did run across a couple of interesting points.

She went out to Washington state and met with an anthropologist.

He showed her, well, I think she said 150 photographs, hand and footprints of so-called, Bigfoots.

Now, if you want to know more about it, I suggest you go and talk to Ellen.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (distant roaring) (creature roaring) - Whatever did that to that girl, the less people that get in its way, the more that's gonna stay alive.

- Right.

- So we're gonna say that the girl was mauled to death by a crazed grizzly out of hibernation.

That's the story I'd like for you to tell your wife, Mr. Seberg.

- All right, Sheriff.

I will.

For now, that is.

- Thank you.

Tomorrow morning when it gets daylight, I'd like for the three of us to sneak out here, track that thing down and kill it.

- We just lost Mr. Seberg.

- No, you didn't, Sheriff.

Whatever did that to that girl in there has got to be destroyed.

- Fine.

- Okay.

(dramatic orchestral music) (Ellen panting) (suspenseful orchestral music) (marching band music) (group chattering) (marching band music) (guttural breathing) (suspenseful orchestral music) (marching band music) (guttural breathing) - Hi girls.

(all chattering) Hi, Betty Jo.

Oh, Betty Jo, smile.

(intense music) - Oh, my God.

(glass shattering) (roaring) (all screaming) (car horn honking) (creature roaring) (woman screaming) (marching band music) (all screaming) - Gar.

- Are you all right?

- Gar, Gar, did you see it?

Did you see it?

(all screaming) - [Carrie] The crown!

The crown!

(woman screaming) (woman screaming) - Hello and welcome back.

We hope you are enjoying "Snowbeast" somehow.

- I like the snow, boss.

I bet you that I would be a real good skier.

- Oh, you'd make that Agony of Defeat guy look good.

That's for sure.

What's gotten into him?

What's wrong with him?

- He's trying to tell us something.

He says he, wait, hold on.

He says he saw something on the TV that we have to see.

- If it's that clip with that dog riding a skateboard again, I've seen it and I wasn't impressed.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Let me, let me, he says it's about him.

He saved it on the VCR and he wants us to take a look.

- Right now?

- Yeah, he says it can't wait.

- All right.

Anything to keep us from having to watch any more of that movie.

Let's take a look.

- Okay, I got the remote here.

Just let me just cue it up.

Is it ready to go?

- Yeah, hit the remote?

- Ooh, it's a local public access show.

You know, most great shows start out as public access.

- Oh, indeed they do.

Okay, it's starting.

Let's see what has got him so riled up.

(light synth music) - Greetings and salutations fellow travelers on Spaceship Earth, and students of the unknowable and mysterious.

My name is Dr. Lester W. Sinclair, certified massage therapist, cryptozoologist, and 24 hour a day emergency seamstress.

So if your back hurts, you see a strange unknown animal on your property, or if you rip the seat of your good pants while being chased by a howling horde of angry monkeys, contact me.

I'm on the World Wide Web.

I have three MySpace pages.

Welcome to "Eyes on the Unexplained".

Tonight, we focus our third eye on one of the most unusual, creepy, scary, unpleasant cryptids it's ever been my sorry misfortune to stumble across.

Folks, I have personally waded through the muck and mire of Loch Ness.

I've chased a Yeti through a Tibetan sewer.

I personally pulled a feather out of the Birdman of Bent Fork, South Dakota.

Of course the police said I was drunk and the Birdman was actually an ostrich at the Bent Fork zoo, but they just said that to cover up my findings.

The conspiracies go deep.

The point is I have seen some unpleasant things.

More than my share, more than any one man should ever have to see, but I do it for you, the people and for the truth, but nothing, I mean nothing prepared me for what I have recently seen, a monster is lurking close by in this very town, a horrible fetid putrid mephitic beast is right here.

He's in our midst and we must stop him.

This, my friends is the beast we must stop.

This is the beast the French call Mitaines loup-garou .

The Uzbekis called him Mushukla bori .

The Corsicans called him lupu Mancu.

We know him better as Mittens the Werewolf!

- Hey, you're on TV, boy.

Look at that.

And you know, maybe that guy can fix them britches of mine the monkeys tore up.

- Sapo, this isn't good.

I've seen this behavior before and it never ends well.

In 1927, I got chased out of Burma by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks.

They thought I was there to steal their souls.

- Well, in their defense, you were there for that purpose, wasn't you?

- That's not the point.

The point is some rabble-rousers stirred up the people and a mob chased me out of town.

I can't imagine what the local yokels would do to poor Mittens here.

Let's watch the end of this and see what this low rent Leonard Nimoy has to say.

- Do you want me to push the button again?

- Yeah, get back.

- I have it on good authority that Mittens exists.

He's as real as you people, as real as this desk, as real as, as real as my hair.

And I will find him.

My operatives have found a preliminary location.

We have found samples of his hair!

And... ...of his leavings.

We are on the trail right now and we will find him.

I'll follow him from the misty mountains to the cracks of doom.

I'll chase him round Good Hope and round the Horn and round the Norway maelstrom and around Perdition's flames before I give him up!!

- Oh, you better start running, boy.

I got 13 bucks if you need it for bus fare.

- Oh come on.

I wouldn't worry about this guy.

It's obvious he's a loon.

No one is going to take him seriously.

- I don't know, boss.

He has me convinced about Mittens.

- Yes, but you're a gullible boob.

People are smart, well, some of them and they know Mittens.

He's harmless and safe.

Don't worry about things we can't control.

Let's focus on things we can control, like this movie.

Let's get back to the ice-covered glacial, slow moving inaction of "Snowbeast" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- What a mess.

- How are we going to ride this one out?

- I don't know.

- Gar, please tell Tony I'm sorry.

He was right.

I should have let him report it.

But we had to have our Winter Carnival.

It was our 50th.

- [Gar] I guarantee it'll continue for the next 50 years.

Now you take care of yourself, all right?

(indistinct) (siren wailing) (dramatic orchestral music) (suspenseful orchestral music) (door creaking) - Oh, oh, ah!

I was so terrified.

Oh, thank God.

- You know you scared the hell out me?

- Oh!

(both laughing) Oh.

(light orchestral music) (ominous orchestral music) (creature roaring) Let's go home, Gar.

(Gar sighing) - Do we have to?

- Come on.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - [Gar] Are you sure you want to go home?

(door creaking and shutting) (Ellen screaming) (Bigfoot roaring) - Come on!

Come on!

(creature roaring) (Ellen straining) - I'm gonna check the barn, Cole.

- Tony, wait a minute.

Up there on the hill.

Well, it's gone.

But I saw it.

I swear.

We're gonna have to go back over the bridge and turn around to get over there.

- Wait!

- Tony!

- [Ellen] Wait!

- Gar.

- Tony!

Oh, Tony.

Oh.

- You okay?

- We're all right.

- The sheriff and his deputies are up there looking for it right now.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Hello and welcome back.

You know, this film really has- - Boss, I hate to interrupt you, but I have something important that I would like to say.

- Listen, we're on now dummy.

No one cares what you have to say, but we do care what you have to say.

So why not drop us a line at nightmaretheatre.com.

We want to hear from you.

- Can I send in something to that website address?

- No, no you can't.

But remember folks, email us at info@nightmaretheatre.com and let us know your thoughts on the show.

Now let's get back to our feature film already in progress.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Hey, I told the sheriff I was gonna catch up with him.

Uh, I guess you two better get some sleep, huh?

- [Gar] No.

I'll go with you.

- After the night you've been through?

- Sure.

- If I'm asleep when you come in, wake me up.

- We got it!

The sheriff, himself, shot it right between the eyes.

We're bringing it in.

(all cheering) (all shouting) - I couldn't believe one of those would be out in the wintertime.

- Yeah, I'm amazed.

- Well, it's some shock, huh?

(all shouting) (suspenseful orchestral music) - So Mr. Seberg, huh?

How are things at the lodge.

- Okay.

Do you mind if I ask you a yes or no question?

- Well, that all depends.

As a friend?

- Why, it's a more as a time-saver, though.

'Cause if your answer is yes, there's no sense in us talking.

- Did you know you were killing the wrong thing?

- All I know for sure, Mr. Seberg, is that, uh, something came charging out of that brush at me.

And it wasn't human.

Are you that sure that it was the wrong thing?

- Well, I don't know.

But it seems to me that the best way to find out is to cut it open and see what's inside.

- Look, Sheriff, if the people of this town are in danger, don't you think it's your responsibility to warn them?

Even if it means calling off the Winter Carnival?

- Look, Mrs. Seberg, ah, what is it that I'm gonna warn the people against?

A man-beast, eh, legend whose very existent, is, uh, highly disputed?

- Disputed by whom?

- Well, by the US Army Corps of Engineers, for one.

I wouldn't know this.

But I talked to Washington this morning.

And they said that they don't have one piece of evidence, nothing they've you've seen or heard that would stand up under scientific scrutiny, unquote.

Now, is that what you want me to warn the people against?

Do you honestly expect them to believe it?

An unseasonal bear is one thing.

But a legend is, well, just that, a legend.

- Bigfoot has been sighted in the Northwest for the last 150 years.

There are verified recordings of attacks.

I had a man on my television show just recently who swears he threw a rock at one.

And it ran away.

But I don't think what we've seen has been, I don't think it's as simple as that.

- I agree.

There've been enough happenings around here.

All it takes is one person who doesn't believe it was a bear.

And you'll have a stampede on your hands.

- That's just the point.

I don't want these hills full of people shooting at each other.

Now, you don't believe it was that bear, do you?

- No, it was not a bear.

- What do you think it was?

- I don't know.

A mutant of some kind.

Something left over from the last ice age.

I don't know.

Whatever it is, it's still out there.

And it's a killer.

- What do you suggest we do?

- What you told my husband we should do in the first place.

But this time let's really do it.

- That's right.

And you can count on me, Sheriff.

- What you're saying is you, uh, want us to go up there, just the two of us, and destroy this thing?

- That's right.

- Just the three of us.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Just the four of us.

Everybody ready?

(dramatic orchestral music) (guttural breathing) (suspenseful orchestral music) - [Sheriff] Ho.

I think we should call it a day and head back for the camper.

(guttural breathing) (Bigfoot roaring) (rifle cocking) - Well, he knows where we're at.

Maybe we ought to move camp.

- No, we're gonna stay right here, Settle down and wait for him.

Isn't that better than cruising around on the off chance that we might sight him?

- He's got a point.

- Well, we'll have to keep watch all night.

- Two at a time.

I said the four of us, didn't I?

- You did.

(clearing throat) - Look, you two go first.

I'll make dinner.

Tony.

- Okay, would you hold these?

(suspenseful orchestral music) Good morning.

(ominous orchestral music) (creature roaring) (Camper crashing) - Cole!

- [Gar] Cole!

- Cole, are you hurt?

- Oh my God!

Come on, get up.

- Tony.

- What?

- Tony!

We have to leave him.

- Cole!

(Bigfoot roaring) (Bigfoot roaring) (Cole screaming) - Hello and welcome back to "Nightmare Theatre."

- There he is!

I have found him, it's Mittens the Werewolf.

Get a shot of this, Kenny.

- He's right there.

The Baron was harboring him.

I'm 100% innocent.

I had nothing to do with this, please don't hurt me.

- Kenny, no matter what happens to you or to me, especially to you, you must keep filming.

The people have a right to know a creature is concealed from the public.

- How did you even get in here?

- The first amendment is a key that opens any door, especially doors that aren't locked.

- Dang it, Sapo, you forgot to lock the door again.

- Mmmm.

I knew I forgot something this morning.

- No door can stop the truth.

The people have a right to know.

I have so many questions.

Who owns this studio?

What is that godawful stench?

And what is the nature of this beast in your employ?

- Hey, pal, I am no beast.

- I wasn't talking about you.

I was talking about the werewolf.

- Oh him?

Oh, he's harmless.

He is no threat to anyone.

The only crime he is guilty of is being criminally good looking, am I right?

And to be fair, he does have a bit of a shoplifting habit when it comes to rutabagas and baked beans.

But he's not dangerous.

- How do you know that?

He's a beast heretofore officially uncategorized in the animal kingdom.

We can finally confirm the ancient legends.

- All right, Marlon Jerkins, calm down and quit running your trap.

I'm not gonna allow you to come in here and harass my employees.

Not, not Mittens anyway, you can do what you like to Sapo, but Mittens is different.

He's a good boy and he's got the right to be left alone.

- Says you.

The people have a right to know.

- Oh no, they don't.

It's none of their business.

They have no right to know about Mittens' private life any more than they have a right to know the truth about you.

They have no right at all when it comes to private lives.

- Yes they do.

A strange creature is living amongst us.

Is he a threat, are there more of his kind, is he riddled with disease or parasites?

- I know I am.

- (sighing) Enough from you, you masked buffoon.

- Look, every creature has the right to live its life without being bothered.

Why can't you just leave Mittens alone.

Focus on El Sapo.

I could tell you some stories about him that would make your hair turn white.

Why focus on poor Mittens?

- Because the people have a right to know the complete and total truth.

It is my job to find the facts.

- Is it now?

The truth, huh?

Sapo, remember that time we did that show with that magician in Vegas in 1957.

- I do indeed, boss.

And I think I know what you have in mind.

Alla Kazaam.

- I've been exposed, and humiliated and disfigured.

I'll get you for this, Baron.

You haven't seen the last of me.

Stop filming.

Turn that camera off.

Turn it off.

- Did I do good, boss?

- I mean, I was hoping you were gonna saw him and half, but sure that worked.

- Hey, what are we going to do with this thing?

- Toss it in the incinerator.

Folks, like the creature in tonight's movie, Mittens is harmless and just wants to be left alone.

The world is a rich, diverse tapestry of ideas and flavors like a box of assorted chocolates or in our case, a can of mixed nuts.

We're all different, but it's our differences that make us great.

Let's celebrate our differences.

We're all great in our own way.

I mean, not Sapo, but the rest of us are.

If you have scorn to heap on any living being, heap it towards this guy.

But right now, let's get back to "Snowbeast" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- You know, I think this wig is gonna fit you if you want.

And you are about due for a replacement.

Do you want me to trim it up a little bit?

- No, no.

Let's get back to the film.

I'm not sure where we even left off or if it even matters.

Anyways, here's more "Snowbeast on "Nightmare Theatre."

(suspenseful orchestral music) - All right, let's slow down.

It's not chasing us anymore.

It got what it wants.

- Well, he's no longer killing just to eat.

That last attack wasn't mindless.

That was a planned counterattack.

- We're not gonna get very far walking.

The barn's down here.

Let's head for it.

- Hey, Tony.

That's not a very good idea.

- Why not?

- Because that's where he's been stashing his food.

Can you imagine us being there when he shows up?

- It's already lost two from there.

He's as smart as you think he is, he won't come back to the barn again.

Let's go.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (guttural breathing) - Hey, Tony, where you going?

- There's three sets of skis and three rifles back up at that camper.

Why don't you stay with Ellen.

There's no sense in all of us risking our lives.

- Hold on.

We decided we would stay together until this thing was over.

- We're more vulnerable if we split up.

- Okay.

Let's go.

(suspenseful orchestral music) This new snow is just gonna make everything more difficult for us.

- Yeah, but a lot easier for it.

Come on.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Wait a second.

Where were your rifles when the camper turned over?

- By the side of it.

- But the extra rifles were inside, weren't they?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Now, if I pull the logs put, will you go in again?

- [Ellen] I'll go in.

I can get in.

- [Gar] Tony, give me a hand here.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Ellen, can you see the rifles?

- No.

- Well, can you find anything?

- There are some skis.

- Oh great, throw 'em up.

- [Ellen] Okay.

- There should be a service revolver in the cab.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Ellen, look in the closet.

The rifles might be there.

- [Ellen] All right.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (guttural breathing) - Tony!

Look!

- I found the gun.

- [Gar] Well, use it!

(gun firing) (Bigfoot roaring) (Tony shouting) - Gar, finish him!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (creature growling) (creature growling) (gun firing) (gun firing) (Bigfoot shrieking) (Bigfoot roaring) (dramatic orchestral music) - Geez, geez, gees.

- What?

Why are you touching me?

Don't you remember we that talk with Toby from HR.

I'm trying to read a magazine.

I'm reading Barry Sobel's parenting tips, and take that stupid thing off your head.

- But it makes me look so dreamy, like a young Fabio or an old Sally Jesse Raphael.

- Take it off now.

Why are you bothering me?

(El Sapo whispering) What?

It's over.

- The movie.

The movie is over.

- Are you sure?

What happened?

- I'm not 100% sure, but it looked like Bo Svenson, Stevenson, whatever his name was, stabbed the camera guy with a ski pole and he fell off the mountain.

They all looked over the edge and the final scene was just from the ground looking up.

I think they left the poor camera man down there with the camera running and just called it a day and went back home.

- I guess that's one way to end the movie.

Kill the guy running the camera.

Well, folks that was "Snowbeast."

I have nothing else to say about it.

We now conclude our broadcast day.

Cue the National Anthem and rig up the test pattern.

Turn off the lights boys, and let's get outta here.

- Oh, whoa, whoa, boss.

- I'm serious.

I have absolutely nothing else to say about this film.

- Don't you want tell the folks what we have lined up for next week?

- Not really.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, I guess the terms of my contract do specify certain requirements.

So in the interest of maintaining my legal obligations, El Sapo, (sighing) what do we have in store for next week?

- We have this, boss.

- [Announcer] From medicine's secret files, comes the astounding case of the surgeon who replaced the shattered hands of a maimed pianist with the inhumanly strong hands of a dead killer.

- You think you understand the human heart.

I'll teach you more than you ever thought you know about it.

You're not a doctor.

You're a monster.

A selfish crazy monster.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - I was my hands.

They were my life.

Now I'm carrying the life of someone I know nothing about.

- Then you must burn 'em again.

Or you will have no life.

- [Announcer] Hands of a stranger that he can no longer control.

(piano keys banging) Hands of a stranger with a primitive urge to kill.

Hands of a stranger reaching for the soft flesh of a girl he loved.

(woman screaming) (suspenseful orchestral music) - All right, I'm calling my attorney.

Let them sue.

I'm not going to do this anymore.

- Oh, come on, boss.

It'll be fun.

You can't just leave us alone here by ourselves.

- It's not gonna be fun, but you're right.

If I left, Sapo would probably spill Clamato juice in the auto-lock for the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement and the curator would be sealed off for all eternity.

And I can't have that.

The curator still owes me five bucks.

So folks, until we meet again, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(upbeat rock music) (thunder crashing)