- [Announcer] The following program is available with audio description and closed captions.

(whooshing) (calm music) (upbeat music) (bright music) - [Sara] I don't know where to go.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I don't know where to go.

- [Actor] Anything you wanna get off your chest?

(frantic music) - Can we start?

- Work, home.

Work, home.

Home, work.

Work, home.

- [Actor] Who is Sara?

- Okay, let's start.

(no audio) Look, I know last night didn't go the way you wanted it to, but honestly, I was out there, and whatever was going on inside your head, no one saw it.

- No one saw it.

(Sara laughs) - Sara dancing on the couch.

- This is how I rehearse.

And then the next thing is fine.

Well, actually after this, I don't think we need this one before this.

It's a little too fast for this movement when I'm doing it.

I get to this late on the line.

- Wanna try it and then we'll see if we- - [Sara] 'Cause what's the line?

- The whole unit is, "Yes, I saw it and it was painful to watch.

And yeah, you held back there."

- It's the, "And yeah," It's a little too short the way I say it for me to get up.

- Yeah, you held back there.

- It's probably best.

- To get up off the floor and do that.

"Don't Go Home" came from the idea of what I have been going through personally in relation to what I was going through professionally, being trapped in my own life and not knowing a way out.

After COVID, where I felt so confident, I had worked so much and I was doing so many things.

And then I came back from COVID, and I had one season at City Ballet and then all of a sudden, like mentally and physically everything just started to implode.

It got to a point where I didn't know who I was when I went home and I didn't know who I was when I went to the theater and I would really go out on stage and be very scared of like, I didn't know what was gonna happen but like not in a good way.

And I never felt that before.

When I first started seeing my therapist, she was like, have a place where your thoughts can live outside of your head.

I've never been a writer, I've never been, I just didn't do that.

Like, dance was my outlet.

and that was like really scary for me to do at first, you know, to like actually type it out.

But then I got used to it and I like loved doing it.

And after every session I would write down everything I remembered and learned from the sessions.

When I did this for the piece, I felt like it was an extension of my therapy.

Usually your first idea is not the best one, or at least for me.

And so I had to have a couple of really bad ideas before landing on this.

I needed the piece to be personal.

I needed it to be related to what I was going through in my life.

So I spoke to Guillaume Côté, who's the choreographer, and we sort of came up with this idea of like, well why don't we write a script?

Why don't we get a writer to help us with this?

So that's why we brought on Jonathan Young and he sort of helped put all of my mumble jumble thoughts that I was having, like, I'm not good enough.

I'm not a good enough ballerina, I'm not good enough artist.

I don't mean anything when I'm not dancing.

No one cares about me when I'm not a ballerina.

People just wanna take advantage of me.

A lot of it didn't make sense, but then he sort of like took all of that and like made a story out of it and it was quite fascinating.

- [Director] Sara?

- Yes.

- What are you doing?

- Going over my material before we start, - We have started, Sara.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Are we meant to be seeing what you're doing down there?

- No, I mean, no, it wasn't meant for you to see.

- [Director] Okay, so?

- Sorry, I didn't hear my call so I didn't know that we had started and I was just using this time to review the- - Well the whole team is sitting here waiting and wondering when you're gonna be done what you're doing so we can start.

- Right.

- And we're sort of counting on you here, Sara.

You know that, right?

- I know.

- [Director] We're counting on you to find Claire.

- Right.

- [Director] So, are you done what you're doing down there?

- Yeah, I'm done.

- Great.

Can we start?

- Sure.

- Okay, let's start.

- This is a dance theater hybrid that is about a performer auditioning for a role.

- But I prepare my material in order- - [Director] No, I know we're going out of order here, but if that's okay with you.

- The performer's name happens to be Sara Mearns, but it's a fictional version of herself and she has come to this theater to audition for the role of a woman named Claire.

- Because the thing about Claire, is before all the trouble at home began, she was damn near perfect.

- Okay.

- Almost flawless.

- [Jonathan] So Sara Mearns, at some point in the show, she's interacting with the director who's sitting at the back of the auditorium.

And sometimes she's actually in the material of the film.

So the play kind of shifts back and forth until we sort of lose track of what's home and what's work.

- There's a beautiful element, like in a David Lynch movie, of confusion.

There's a beautiful elements of something mysterious is happening to this one protagonist.

But at the same time there's these very real problems that she's living through.

You know, there's one sequence, she's in this very complex pas de deux and she's sort of like, she blanks and she kind of can't go on anymore.

And she sort of tries to piece together where it went wrong.

(upbeat music) You know, and then it's kind of the catalyst of the piece where then she kind of reconstructs and she tries to go back deep into herself and eventually in the end find what the true self is and who Sara really is in the end.

- And I knew it was gonna be a huge undertaking, talking on stage and dancing and acting, but I just knew that I had to like jump off the cliff and be like, okay, I can do this.

- [Claire] Hey, you've reach Claire.

Please leave a message.

- [Sara] Hi Claire.

It's Sara.

Not sure where you are or what's going on.

I just came back to check on you and no one answered.

I'm in a cab heading back to the theater and I just wanted to say, we're counting on you to show up.

Look, I know last night didn't go the way you wanted it to, but honestly I was out there and whatever was going on inside your head, no one saw it.

No one knew there was anything wrong.

Trust me, you were damn near perfect.

Except of course when you did that, when you should have done that.

Yes, I saw it, and it was painful to watch.

And yeah, you held back there and got caught in that and this, well, we both know that was a big fat nothing.

(elegant music) - [Guillaume] Hold on, hold on.

- It's a little risky but he has to be behind me.

- Can I solo it?

Can I go back to the solo?

- [Guillaume] Yeah, you can solo.

That's exciting for this.

- Sure.

- [Gilbert] Ballet is fun, ballet is fun.

Ballet is fun.

- I think that should be the shirt for this.

- Ballet is fun.

- Ballet is fun.

(Gilbert chuckles) Ballet is fun.

- Sara and I started partnering together in 2019 I believe.

(elegant music) And that was where we really developed our friendship into what it is now.

And she really learned to trust me as a partner and I kind of like earned the spot of being her partner.

Yes.

It's educational 'cause she is a prima, she has partnered with everyone under the sun.

So I get to learn a lot just by, you know, getting to work with her.

You have to be present, you have to be pushing forward in the process while on stage, you can't get bogged down on what was, you're only focusing on what is to come and what's happening right now in front of you.

- [Guillaume] What were you asking me?

- Our question is, now that we're removing these arms.

- [Guillaume] Sara always gets into the studio and she always questions every move.

She questions every intention, she questions everything.

- Then I think when we do it later, that looks very romantic, the way we just did that.

- And, you know, some people would maybe say she's not easy in the sense that, you know, she doesn't always say yes.

She says a lot of nos through the process.

- Something, I need to change something.

- And it's a good thing because I think that's what true artists do.

They keep asking questions, they keep solving problems and Sara does this constantly.

- And we at one moment, can you concentrate, ADHD?

Can you concentrate for a second?

Jesus!

- So the show is about an artist who is truly trying to find the true incarnation of a role she's trying to portray in an audition.

So it's an interesting take on Sara, I think.

Yeah, your timing was really good.

- Not yet.

I'll get there.

- [Guillaume] And then the spinning stuff.

- I only have amazing memories from being in the studio as a kid.

(soft music) After academic school, every day it was like, just hours and hours and hours in the studio.

But it was like the best thing.

(elegant music) (audience cheers and applauds) You know, you think that it's going to continue like that when you're an adult, but like it just gets harder 'cause all these other elements come into it.

- When she steps out on the stage, all that fear and doubt, she's gotta make it disappear.

And no one can see the effort it takes to do that, Sara, because if they see it, she's dead.

So it's gotta look natural.

(somber music) (somber music continues) (somber music continues) (somber music continues) (somber music continues) (dramatic music) (dramatic music continues) (dramatic music continues) - [Jonathan] Nice, good.

Beautiful.

- [Sara] She's gonna leave you.

She hasn't left yet.

She's gotta leave.

She's gotta leave.

She hasn't left yet.

She's gonna leave.

- [Jonathan] Nice.

(dramatic music continues) (dramatic music continues) (music drowns out speaker) - [Sara] Come on, chill out.

Come on, chill out, chill out.

- [Jonathan] Nice.

Wow.

(dramatic music continues) (music drowns out speaker) (dramatic music continues) - [Sara] Show up.

Show up.

Show up, show up!

(Gilbert panting) See, if he goes there and does that instead of that, then this causes that, causes this, causes, ugh, that.

And if it ends there, I don't know how she gets to where she needs to go next.

Trust me, there's a piece missing.

Hi.

(Sara laughs) - I wanna point out something here.

- You're gonna add something?

Oh my God!

I feel very lucky that I chose this group of people to do this project with because I knew immediately like on the first day that I was gonna be able to be very vulnerable in front of them to share all these thoughts that I have had going through my head these past couple years.

And even really, really dark ones.

And there wouldn't be any judgment, there wouldn't be anything.

I don't know if I've really had that sort of experience before in a studio, because it's never been that personal.

It's always been like an abstract story, you know, that I had to find a way into.

For this, I was already in it.

I didn't have to find a way.

I was like deep, deep in it already.

(soft music) Some days they had to like pull me out of it a little bit 'cause I was like drowning in my own story.

- My whole career as a theater maker has been in collaboration with other artists.

So it's a familiar place for me to be juggling, thinking about sound, thinking about choreography, thinking about the script, thinking about the directing of the acting.

One of the other things that you consistently do in there is you do a nice banana turn.

- [Gilbert] Yeah, I noticed that, yeah.

- When you're like, "This is not me coming home," then you do this very nice banana turn to the door.

- I do not.

- Like it's just subtle, but it's like, you know, the ballerina in you, but I think it's straight.

- If anything's straight, it's not ballerina.

- It requires trust and also the willingness to become confused and then to sort it out together.

- When it comes to ballet or in dance, we rehearse, we rehearse, we prepare, we prepare.

There is room for like improv when you're out there on stage, like it's not going right, fix it.

But like we, you rehearse it to perfect it in a way with acting, if you rehearse it to perfect it, it's no longer authentic.

- It's a tricky one, 'cause one is very cerebral and the other is very visceral.

Like, I feel like dance, you feel dance.

And I think with text it's more you analyze text and you understand text.

I have used text in the past and always felt unsuccessful (chuckles) at it.

So I'm gonna just say that right off the bat.

I have seen other people use it successfully.

One of which is one of Jonathan's very regular collaborators, Crystal Pite.

So when I jumped into a project with the same writer as Crystal, it was very important for me to use movement completely differently.

So that's why the work is about a dancer.

- And I don't think I could have done it with any other group of people because it's like, you know, Guillaume knows me so well and knows exactly what I've gone through in my life.

And Gilbert I've danced with so much and he sort of takes everything I throw at him emotionally on stage every night.

- And I think it's that dance where you need to be in control of something so there isn't too many cooks.

But also knowing when to give over control, especially when all the people who are in the room, someone might have the best idea and it's not necessarily you.

So that, yeah, requires that kind of openness, that dance of leading and following, I think.

It becomes kind of a choreography.

It becomes a dance theater hybrid.

(interviewer laughs) Life is a dance theater hybrid.

- [Interviewer] That's good.

(chuckles) - Because, I know this woman.

She seems like this, she's actually that.

This isn't Claire, neither is this, this is Claire.

Otherwise I lose her.

- That she is that and he will do that.

- And then this will happen or this, right?

- Yeah, maybe.

- What about that?

If that happens, what would she do?

- I don't know.

Figure it out.

- No, you gotta do that, otherwise she gets stuck in this, which turns into that.

- Okay.

- Look, if he goes there and does that, instead of that.

Then this causes that, causes this, causes that.

And if it ends there, I don't know how she gets to where she needs to go next.

There's a piece missing (soft music) - [Sara] When I get out there it's like, I have to do this, like I have no other option but to do this tonight, like this way.

And sometimes it's really scary and I scare myself.

But I loved that because it wasn't boring and I'm not saying it's like always successful.

I just love the feeling of going way beyond the line.

And a friend of mine said that, you know, sometimes he sits in the audience and he's like, (gasping and wincing).

Like he doesn't know if it's gonna be okay.

And I'm like, "I know.

I also feel that on stage."

(bright music) - I mean, someone has named her a "stage animal" and I think that that's a good description where you're kind of dealing with this being that at any given point will feel something different or will go with an impetus that she's feeling at that moment.

So it's a fantastic kind of depiction of classical ballet.

Classicism is dependent on one tiny detail to make you one of the world class dancer versus just another good dancer.

But what makes you a Sara Mearns or a star is this extra, extra quality that you bring, right?

(bright music) - I have been very open about my mental health, but this is like another layer of going into it, of actually showing what an artist goes through when they feel like their life is completely imploding and the stage is supposed to be the safe space, but then it ends up not being that and where do you go and what do you do?

I was like trying to prove to people that I was like strongest person out there and I could do anything and never say no.

And that can spiral so far, especially when you're injured or when you can't get to the studio.

I don't want like pity, I don't want people to feel bad for me.

Like that's not what I want.

I just wanna put the reality out there.

Like, I don't have to be just this, quote unquote, famous ballerina that everybody thinks they know, that they see on a stage, that they think they know who's on that stage, but they really don't understand that it's not just like all happy things.

It's not a glamorous life.

Artists go through really, really dark moments.

And now that I'm sort of coming out of it, I want to sort of revisit and sort of heal from it.

And I think this piece is allowing me to do that.

It doesn't end here.

This is the very beginning of something greater.

(elegant music) (elegant music continues) (elegant music continues) (elegant music continues) (elegant music continues) - [Sara] There.

That's the one I'm looking for.

- I don't know what I feel yet about this opening night.

I'll break down in my dressing room (chuckles) afterwards.

And I'll let my close people see that.

I think I'm more excited for the other artists too in it.

And if I know myself, you know, and I do know myself pretty well now, I think I'm gonna go very inward and very quiet the day of the show, the day of the opening.

But inside I'm celebrating, obviously I'll be excited, but it's not a quick fix, these things.

Every little thing helps, you know, creating a piece like this or a process, but it's always, those thoughts are always gonna be there.

I was actually talking to another artist recently and he was like, "Do you remember what it felt like when we were kids, that like love for it that we had initially?

Like, how do we bring that back?

How do we get that back now at this point in our career?"

And we didn't really have the answer, but I think, you know, we've done it for so long.

It's work.

It's a job.

It's...you're an employee.

You have standards and you're supposed to go out there on stage and produce something at a very, very high level every single time.

So I think the fun of it sort of fades away.

I have had a lot of things happen to me, a lot of baggage, a lot of injuries, a lot of personal stuff.

But now I'm at that point I feel like in this new chapter where I can like go back to, okay, why do I love what I do?

(soft music) What got me into it?

What was I feeling?

Was it about the people around me?

Was it about the ballets I was doing?

Was it about the teachers?

Was it about, what was it?

And let's get back to that.

You know, let's like not keep, like, living in the past and, like, carrying this baggage with you.

Just like, all right, let's get back to like why I really wanna do this every single day.

(soft music) (soft music continues) (soft music continues) (film reel clicking)