[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY KCET TELEVISION] >> YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT PEOPLE BY THE JOKES THEY TELL.

I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP FOR 8 AND A HALF YEARS, AND ALL MY COMEDY HEROES WERE REVOLUTIONARY.

AND THEY KNEW NOTHING'S FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH, OR MORE DANGEROUS.

>> OH!

>> BUT LATELY, I'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT ALL THESE COMIC UPRISINGS IN PLACES I NEVER IMAGINED, PLACES WITH SOME SERIOUS TRUTHS.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] AND THAT GOT ME THINKING.

WHAT IF THERE WERE YOUNG COMICS OUT THERE KILLING IT IN PLACES LIKE INDIA AND SOUTH AFRICA?

WHAT STORIES WERE BEING TOLD THERE?

WHAT PROBLEMS WERE BEING TURNED INTO PUNCH LINES?

AND WHO WERE THE REBELS SAVING THE WORLD ONE JOKE AT A TIME?

[LAUGHTER] I DECIDED TO FIND OUT AND BRING TWO COMICS FROM THAT PART OF THE WORLD BACK HERE TO L.A. TO PERFORM WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS, AND MAYBE, START A REVOLUTION OF OUR OWN.

I THINK I'M GOING TO CALL ADITI AND MPHO AND TELL THEM TO DO A SHOW WITH US.

>> I'M SOLD.

THEIR STORIES SOUND AMAZING.

>> [LAUGHS] >> LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE FREE, BUT I THINK IT'D BE REALLY COOL IF YOU MAYBE WANTED TO COME PERFORM WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS, HERE IN L.A. >> I'D LOVE TO, DUDE.

I'D LOVE TO.

>> [LAUGHS] >> HOLY BALLS!

>> WHAT?

>> OH, MY GOD!

DUDE, I HAVE TO TWEET THIS!

>> HI.

>> HOW'S IT GOING?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

[CARS HONKING] >> THERE YOU GO.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

>> [SIGHS] >> AND NOW, I'M BRINGING OUT YOUR HOST OF THE SHOW TONIGHT.

PLEASE GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO HASAN MINHAJ!

>> OH, MY GOD!

[APPLAUSE] OH!

WHAT'S UP, YOU GUYS?

HEY!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE SHOW FOR YOU GUYS, TONIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN AROUND THE WORLD, AND NOW, WE'RE HERE.

I'M KIND OF SAD, YOU GUYS.

I'M SAD, BECAUSE--I KNOW I LOOK REALLY HAPPY, BUT-- [LAUGHTER] LIKE, I HAVE THIS, LIKE, BOY BAND FACE, BUT I'M, LIKE, KIND OF DYING INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

IT'S--I REALIZED, UH, I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HIT THAT MOMENT WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN PLAY PRETEND?

YOU'RE TOO AWARE OF WHO YOU ARE, SO, IT JUST RUINS EVERYTHING.

LIKE I WAS WATCHING THE NEW "IRON MAN 3."

LIKE, I WAS WATCHING IT WITH A BUDDY OF MINE, AND I LOVE SUPERHERO MOVIES.

I'M WATCHING IT, AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, THIS IS DOPE!

ROBERT DOWNEY IS BACK, SON!

ROCKETS IN HIS HANDS!"

AND I'M LIKE, "THIS SUCKS.

THIS MOVIE SUCKS, IT SUCKS."

AND NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU THINK, IT SUCKS BECAUSE THAT COULD NEVER BE ME.

AND IT MADE ME REALLY SAD.

[LAUGHTER] BECAUSE WHEN A WHITE PERSON WATCHES THAT MOVIE, THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE."

LIKE, "IF I GET MY LIFE TOGETHER, I COULD BE THAT DUDE.

I COULD BE CAPTAIN AMERICA.

I COULD BE BATMAN.

I COULD BE IRON MAN."

AND I'M LIKE, "LOOK, IF I KILL IT, IF I'M THE BEST HASAN MINHAJ THAT EVER EXISTED, I COULD BE THE SCIENTIST THAT HELPS IRON MAN."

YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

THAT'S BEST-CASE SCENARIO.

JUST, LIKE, "SCREWDRIVER, THOSE ARE ROCKET LAUNCHERS, GO FUCK GWYNETH PALTROW."

THAT'S ME KILLING IT.

EVEN BLACK DUDES, YOU GUYS, YOU HAVE ALPHA MALES, DENZEL, SAMUEL L., WILL SMITH.

[LAUGHTER] RIGHT?

KILLING IT, WILL SMITH!

"MEN IN BLACK," SHADES, LASER GUN.

I WOULD BE THE SCIENTIST THAT HANDS HIM THAT LASER GUN.

THAT'S ME KILLING IT.

[LAUGHTER] YOU GUYS READY FOR AN AMAZING SHOW TONIGHT?

>> YEAH!

[APPLAUSE] >> YOU'RE GOING TO MEET CO.. THAT I GOT TO MEET PERSONALLY, FROM SOUTH AFRICA AND INDIA, BUT THEY ALSO GET TO PERFORM WITH SOME OF MY BEST BUDS HERE IN COMEDY, HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

AND THIS FIRST COMIC, SHE'S LIKE A COMEDY BIG SISTER TO ME.

UH, I'M ALWAYS, LIKE, LOOKING FOR HER AFFECTION OR APPRECIATION, AND, UM, SHE DOESN'T GIVE IT TO ME, SO-- [LAUGHTER] >> YOU GUYS GOOD?

>> YEAH.

>> THAT WAS, LIKE, REALLY CLOSE TO MY FACE.

THE MOST EXCITING THING ABOUT DOING STAND-UP, EVERY DAY IS DIFFERENT AND YOU NEVER GET BORED.

IT'S LIKE, "I'VE NEVER BEEN HECKLED IN THAT ACCENT BEFORE.

SAY IT AGAIN!

LIKE, I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU.

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY.

LIKE, I JUST WANT TO BREAS.. YOU.

FOR NOURISHMENT, NOT FOR NASTINESS."

DO YOU EVER WEAR V-NECKS?

CAN YOU SHOW YOUR TITTIES A LITTLE BIT, OR IS THAT, LIKE, NOT COOL?

>> I'D RATHER NOT, PERSONALLY.

>> OKAY.

>> IT'S NOT ABOUT MY TITTI..

IT'S ABOUT HOW FUNNY I AM.

>> AH!

>> PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MS. MICHELLE BUTEAU.

YOU GUYS, LET HER HEAR IT!

GIVE IT UP!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> HEY, BITCHES.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR MY OLD NAVY COUTURE, Y'ALL.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A DRESS.

FUCK IT, UM-- [LAUGHTER] WENT HALFWAY TO OLD NAVY TO TRY IT ON.

AND THIS JACKET DOESN'T ZIP.

IT NEVER DID, I GOT IT ANYWAYS.

WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE A LEATHER VEST ON, SIR?

[LAUGHTER] LIKE, ON PURPOSE?

[LAUGHTER] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

ARE YOU, LIKE, A NARC OR A PIMP?

LIKE, WHAT...DO YOU DO?

YOU'RE, LIKE, AN AMERICAN INDIAN HARRY POTTER.

I CAN'T FIGURE YOU OUT.

LIKE, WHAT IS YOUR NATIONALITY?

WHAT ARE YOU?

>> MEXICAN.

>> MEXICAN.

LIKE I SAID, AN AMERICAN INDIAN HARRY POTTER.

I LIKE THE LEATHER JACKET, IT'S COOL.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU FUCKING .. SOMEBODY.

[LAUGHTER] OKAY, TALK TO YOU LATER.

UM...AWKWARD!

WE GOT WITNESSES.

HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM.

I'M OBSESSED WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED, BECAUSE I JUST GOT MARRIED, WHAT?

THANK YOU.

I KNOW, I STOLE SOMEBODY'S DIAMOND.

AND IT'S SUPER EXCITING, AND I DO LOVE HIM.

UM, HE'S WHITE, I LIKE HIM ANYWAYS.

UM...REAL TALK.

I CAN TAKE HIM PLACES, HE WEARS SHOES.

[CHUCKLES] HE'S ADORABLE, HE'S EUROPEAN, SO HE'S LIKE VINTAGE WHITE, WHICH I REALLY LOVE.

[LAUGHTER] AND I'M, LIKE, REALLY, REALLY COLORBLIND WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF.

LIKE, I NEVER FELT LIKE I WAS DATING A WHITE GUY, EVER, REAL TALK, UNTIL I HAD TO GO TO THE BEACH WITH HIS FAMILY, AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, WELL, THIS IS HOW WE'RE DIFFERENT."

LET ME TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING, THEY GO PREPARED.

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."

THEY HAD SANDWICHES, ORGANIC TEAS, LOTIONS... [CHUCKLES] CIGARETTES, FURNITURE, TENTS FOR LITTLE WHITE BABIES.

DID YOU KNOW THEY MAKE TENTS FOR LITTLE WHITE BABIES?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIT AT WAL-MART.

TENTS FOR LITTLE WHITE BAB.. THEIR BABIES IN THERE, LIKE, CRYING AND STUFF.

PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M A JAMAICAN NANNY.

I'M LIKE, "UH-HUH, NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, I'M PAYING MY TAXES IN OTHER WAYS, OKAY?"

LIKE, MY PEOPLE ARE CARIBBEAN, ALL RIGHT?

WE GO TO THE BEACH WITH ..

CONDOMS, THAT IS IT.

[LAUGHTER] MY MAN'S SO CUTE, HE'S GOT THE CUTEST ACCENT.

HE COULD SAY ANYTHING WITH T..

ACCENT AND GET AWAY WITH SHIT.

LIKE, I COME HOME FROM WORK, AND HE BE LIKE, "OH, BABY, DO YOU WANT A SANDWICH?

UH, I'M MAKING A SANDWICH.

DO YOU WANT A SANDWICH?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I AIN'T.. HUNGRY, BUT I'LL TAKE THAT SANDWICH!"

AND HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU WANT MAYONNAISE AND FRESH HERBS ON YOUR SANDWICH?

DO YOU WANT MAY-O-NNAISE AND FRESH HERBS?"

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD PUT FRESH HERBS ON A FUCKING SANDWICH.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD FRESH HERBS!

[LAUGHTER] OH, MY FUCK--YEAH, I WANT A SANDWICH WITH MAY-O-NNAISE AND FRESH HERBS.

I FEEL LIKE A LADY!

HAND IT OFF.

BUT NOW, 4 YEARS LATER, I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, CAN YOU CONJUGATE SOMETHING, PLEASE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY, BOY, I NEED SUBTITLES FOR YOUR ASS, RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER] HE SAYS SHIT LIKE, "I IS."

"I IS"?

THAT IS NOT PROPER ENGLISH.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE HEARD THIS SHIT.

THIS IS NOT "MEDEA GOES DUTCH," OKAY?

YOU BETTER ROSETTA THAT STONE SHIT UP.

"ROSETTA THAT STONE SHIT," THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID.

DON'T JUDGE ME, IT'S MY JOURNEY.

BUT HE'S SO ADORABLE.

HE'S SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH ME IN AMERICA, HIS ENGLISH IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE MINE.

HE PICKED UP THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY, AND HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIRL, HEY!"

[LAUGHTER] GUYS, I MARRIED A WHITE EUROPEAN GUY WHO SOUNDS LIKE A GAY BLACK MAN, WHAT?

I HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL!

[LAUGHTER] I LOVE ALL THE DIVERSITY IN THIS ROOM, BECAUSE I'M JAMAICAN AND HAITIAN, MY MOM'S FROM JAMAICA AND MY DAD'S FROM HAITI.

>> WHOO!

>> THANK YOU.

WE GOT A JAMAICAN OR A HAITIAN IN THE HOUSE?

>> NO.

[LAUGHTER] >> YOU JUST KNOW WHERE IT IS, SO, YOU'RE HAPPY?

[LAUGHTER] HE'S HAPPY WITH HIS DRUG DEALER.

ANYWAYS...I LOVE BEING JAMAICAN AND HAITIAN, I LOVE THAT, BECAUSE PEOPLE CLAP, THEY DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I'M JAMAICAN AND HAITIAN, THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, GIRL, SHUT UP!

WHAT PART OF PUERTO RICO IS THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

[LAUGHTER] I GET QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME, TOO, PEOPLE LOVE TO TALK TO MY ASS.

THE MOST POPULAR QUESTION I GET IS, UM, "OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE BLACK, BUT HOW'D YOU GET SO LIGHT?"

LIKE IT'S A RECIPE..

SO, I'M GOING TO BREAK IT DOWN, Y'ALL, I'M BLACK, AND I GOT SO LIGHT, IT'S VERY EASY.

IT'S CALLED COLONIALISM.

[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, I KNOW YOU HEARD OF IT.

I GET SO MANY NATIONALITIES, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY ELSE, LIKE, GETS OTHER NATIONALITIES OTHER THAN WHAT YOU ARE IN THIS ROOM.

I GET MOROCCAN A LOT, WH.. CRAZY.

I DON'T THINK I LOOK MOROC.. ALL BECAUSE I'M ALLOWED TO READ AND I STILL HAVE MY CLIT.

[LAUGHTER] OH, TOO SOON?

JUST GOT REAL.

[CHUCKLES] AND I FEEL LIKE IF YOU'RE ..

CURIOUS ABOUT SOMEONE'S NATIONALITY, IT'S COOL.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT, SOMETIMES.

JUST PICK YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY.

LIKE, I WAS DOING KARAOKE A LITTLE TIPSY ONE NIGHT, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL, WHAT?

AND THIS REALLY DRUNK ASIAN DUDE CAME UP TO ME AFTER MY SONG, AND HE WAS LIKE, "DAMN, GIRL, YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE?"

THAT'S THE WORSE ASIAN ACCENT EVER.

[LAUGHTER] "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK ..

I'M LIKE, "WHO?"

HE'S LIKE, "LENNY KRAVITZ."

[LAUGHTER] YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL.

ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> MICHELLE BUTEAU!

OH, MY GOD!

WHOA.

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR NEXT COMIC?

>> YEAH!

>> THIS GUY--HE'S ORIGINALLY FROM SOUTH AFRICA.

HE'S FROM SOWETO, THE HOME OF WHERE THE WHOLE FREEDOM MOVEMENT STARTED, SO, THIS DUDE--HIS STORY'S INCREDIBLE.

AS SOON AS I GOT THERE, MAN, THIS GUY'S LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.

LIKE, WE JUST--WE JUST CONNECTED LIKE THIS.

MAINLY BECAUSE WE, LIKE--W.. OF DRESS THE SAME, BUT, UH-- [LAUGHTER] >> SO, I'LL ALWAYS START WITH ME, AND I--AND I--AND I GO, "THIS IS WHO I AM, THIS IS WHERE I COME FROM," SO THAT THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS AT ME.

THEY--THEY SEE THAT I'M OKAY WITH--WITH BEING LAUGHED AT.

IT MAKES ME MORE APPROACHABLE.

AND NOW THAT EVERYONE'S LAUGHED, THEN, I CAN START MAKING FUN OF THE INDIAN PEOPLE, MAKING FUN OF THE COLORED PEOPLE, MAKING FUN OF THE WHITE PEOPLE, BECAUSE WE'VE ALL LAUGHED AT THE BLACK JOKES.

>> RIGHT.

>> [LAUGHS] YOU KNOW?

>> SOUTH AFRICA IS AN INCREDIBLE COUNTRY, AND HE'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST COMICS IN JOHANNESBURG, AND I WANT YOU GUYS--I WANT YOU GUYS TO PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, MY BROTHER.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FO.. ONE, THE ONLY, MPHO "POPPS," YOU GUYS.

GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.

GIVE HIM A WARM WELCOME!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> ISN'T HE HANDSOME?

ISN'T HE HANDSOME?

STOP STEALING MY SWAGGER.

HELLO, L.A., HELLO.

>> HELLO!

>> AH, MAN, I'VE--I'VE BEEN HERE A FEW DAYS, I'M NOT GOING BACK HOME.

[LAUGHTER] IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE, MAN.

IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE, MAN.

LIKE, I'VE LEARNED A COUPLE OF TRUTHS JUST BY BEING HERE--JUST BY BEING HERE.

UM, I LEARNED THAT SPIDERMAN IS A BIT FAT.

[LAUGHTER] I DID--I--I SAW HIM ON--ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

[LAUGHTER] I LEARNED SOME TRUTHS, MAN.

BATMAN'S BLACK.

I--I SAW HIM AS WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T BELIEVE THE WHOLE SPIDERMAN THING.

I KNEW IT WASN'T SPIDERMAN.

I KNEW ONLY BECAUSE--ONLY BECAUSE THE BUILDINGS IN L.A. ARE SO LOW, THERE'S NO WAY SPIDERMAN COULD SURVIVE HERE.

[LAUGHTER] BECAUSE HE'LL BE SHOOTING HIS WEB, BUT HE'LL BE MOVING THROUGH PEOPLE, LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, PLEASE."

[LAUGHTER] BEEP, BEEP!

OH, MAN, IT FEELS SO GREAT TO BE IN L.A., AND I GET ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS.

LIKE, "OH, SO HOW'S THE BIG 5?

HOW ARE THE ANIMALS?"

LIKE, "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW."

THAT'S WHY, EVEN IF YOU WATCH ALL THESE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC DOCUMENTARIES, YOU'LL NEVER SEE A BLACK GUY DOING THE SHOW.

IT'S--IT'S--BECAUSE WE--EVERYWHERE--WE'RE UNIVERSAL.

WE'RE AFRAID OF ANIMALS, YOU KNOW, IT'S A UNIVERSAL THING!

[LAUGHTER] I MEAN, IF YOU'RE A BLACK MAN, YOU'D BE HOSTING LIKE THIS, "YEAH, WEL--" [LAUGHTER] "WELCOME, OUT HERE IN THE BUSHES."

[LAUGHTER] THERE'S A LOT OF PERKS FOR--IN BEING--BEING AFRICAN.

LIKE, WE DON'T HAVE FIRST-WORLD PROBLEMS.

WE DON'T HAVE SUICIDE BOMB.. SOUTH AFRICA.

WE DON'T--WE DON'T, BE.. TAKES A LOT TO CONVINCE AN AFRICAN GUY TO BLOW HIMSELF UP.

"SO, I'M GOING TO PRESS THIS BUTTON AND THEN--" [LAUGHTER] "YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW WILL I KNOW THE MONEY'S IN THE ACCOUNT IF--" [LAUGHTER] BUT IT'S SO COOL BEING IN L.A. FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN--I MEAN, I NEVER THOUGHT, IN MY WILDEST DREAMS, I WOULD COME TO THE STATES AND PERFORM IN FRONT OF ALL YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] BECAUSE, I--I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN, UM, CALLED SOWETO, RIGHT?

AND IT'S A SMALL TOWNSHIP .. DURING APARTHEID, THEY WOULD KEEP ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE.

AND, IN '94, IT WAS LIKE, "OKAY, COOL, WE'RE DONE, YOU GOT YOUR NEW PRESIDENT.

BLACK PEOPLE ARE FREE."

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENED, I WAS 7 YEARS OLD.

SUDDENLY, BLACK KIDS COULD GO TO MODEL C SCHOOLS, WHICH WERE PREDOMINANTLY WHITE SCHOOLS, RIGHT?

AND OUR PARENTS, AT THE TI..

THEY--THEY WEREN'T--THEY DIDN'T EDUCATE US.

THEY DIDN'T SAY, "THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHEN YOU GET--WHEN YOU GO TO THESE SCHOOLS."

THEY WERE JUST HAPPY WE WERE GOING.

SO, OUR PARENTS ARE ..

BYE!"

[LAUGHTER] "COME BACK, GO TALK ENGLISH.

OKAY, BYE!"

[LAUGHTER] SO, SOME OF US KIND OF STRUGGLED FOR A FEW YEARS.

YOU KNOW, WE STRUGGLED FOR A FEW YEARS, BECAUSE THINGS LIKE IDIOMS USED TO CONFUSE THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

LIKE, I THOUGHT "SKATING ON THIN ICE" WAS A COMPLIMENT FOR YEARS, LIKE, FOR YEARS.

MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE, "SO, HOW'S SCHOOL GOING?"

"HEY, MAMA, THEY SAY I.. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE FIRST TIME MY TEACHER SAID, "I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU," I THOUGHT WE HAD A LUNCH DATE.

[LAUGHTER] "HEY, YEAH, ME AND MA'AM ARE PICKING BONES TODAY, MISS."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT--BUT THE COOL THING ABOUT BEING A KID FROM THE TOWNSHIP, THE COOL THING ABOUT BEING A KID FROM THE TOWNSHIP IS THAT I HAD MORE EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING AT SCHOOL FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, ONE OF THE EXCUSES I..

I COULD SAY TO MY TEACHER AT ANY GIVEN TIME, "WE HAD UMSEBENZI AT HOME."

SO, IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO AT HOME WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO SPEAK TO THE ANCESTORS, YOU SLAUGHTER AN ANIMAL FOR THE GODS, AND THAT WAS AN EXCUSE.

SO, I WOULD COME TO SCHOOL AND MY TEACHER WOULD BE LIKE, "SO, UH, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST, UH, 3 DAYS?"

"UH, MA'AM, WE HAD A UMSEBENZI AT HOME."

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"YEAH, WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, IT'S A--" "NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME, TELL THE CLASS."

"SHIT.

WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE ANCESTORS WERE NOT HAPPY, SO, WE KILLED A CHICKEN."

[LAUGHTER] "I THINK WE HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH THEM."

[LAUGHTER] OR, THE OTHER EXCUSE I COULD USE WAS, RIGHT--BECAUSE--BECAUSE THERE'S A TRIBE IN SOUTH AFRICA CALLED THE XHOSA PEOPLE, AND WHAT THE XHOSAS DO AT THE AGE OF 14, IN ORDER TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE A MAN, YOU HAVE TO GO UP A MOUNTAIN TO GET CIRCUMCISED.

THERE'S NO ANESTHETIC.

YOUR FORESKIN'S OUT AND THERE'S A JAGGED BLADE--PAH!

IF YOU COME BACK ALIVE, YOU'RE A MAN.

[LAUGHTER] PROBLEM WITH THAT EXCUSE IS YOU CAN ONLY USE IT-- >> ONCE.

>> EXACTLY.

SO, I FORGOT THAT I'D USED IT.

[LAUGHTER] MAN, I CAME TO SCHOOL ALL CONFIDENT, THE TEACHER WAS LIKE-- "SO, WHERE'VE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 DAYS?"

"YEAH, MA'AM, YOU SEE, I WENT TO THE MOUNTAIN."

"AGAIN?"

[LAUGHTER] THIS WAS WHEN I TRIED TO BE TECHNICAL AND QUICK.

"YEAH, MA'AM, I [INDISTINCT] THIS THING, IT'S CALLED A "FOURSKIN," SO, THEY CUT TWO THE LAST TIME AND I WAS JUST FINISHING OFF THE-- THE OTHER TWO."

[LAUGHTER] AND THE REASON--THE REASON WHY I TALK ABOUT SEX IS THAT I'M--I'M TRYING TO CREATE AN AWARENESS AND I'M TRYING TO GET PEOPLE BACK HOME TO SPEAK OPENLY ABOUT SEX AND STUFF, BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW WE--WE HAVE AN HIV AND AIDS, UM, SITUATION BACK IN AFRICA, RIGHT?

AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I REALIZED COULD BE ONE OF THE ROOT CAUSES IS THE WHOLE CONDOM GAME, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL THESE CONDOM BRANDS THAT ARE AVAILABLE, BUT THE FLAVORS ARE ALL WRONG.

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GET STRAWBERRY, YOU GET LIME, YOU GET MINT FOR THAT EXTRA BURNING SENSATION.

[LAUGHTER] YOU'VE USED THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I WANT TO WALK INTO--THIS IS HOW I WANT TO BUY CONDOMS.

THIS IS--I WANT TO WALK INTO THE SHOP AND BE LIKE, "YEAH, HELLO.

YEAH, CAN I HAVE SOME TROJAN PIG STEW?

OH, THAT'S FINISHED?

I'LL JUST GRAB THE BEETROOT ONES, IT'S FINE."

AND--AND ONE OF THE THINGS I ALSO NOTICED, PEOPLE OVER HERE MOURN DIFFERENTLY TO--TO PEOPLE BACK HOME.

YOU KNOW, HOW PEOPLE CRY.

LIKE--LIKE--ESPECIALLY, EVEN IN OUR COUNTRY, WE HAVE--THE WAY WHITE PEOPLE CRY AT FUNERALS.

THEY HAVE THEIR BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL WAY OF CRYING.

WE'RE SO CONTAINED.

AND, LIKE, THEY'RE-- [RAPID BREATHING] AND WHEN A TEAR COMES OUT--I DON'T KNOW, FOR SOME REASON, THEY TRY TO PUSH IT BACK IN.

[LAUGHTER] "NO, [INDISTINCT]."

[LAUGHTER] BACK HOME, MAN--BACK HOME, WE'RE TOO PASSIONATE AT FUNERALS.

BLACK PEOPLE IN SOUTH AFRICA, WE'RE TOO PASSIONATE AT FUNERALS.

WHEN WE CRY, THE SOUND ONLY COMES AFTERWARDS.

SO, IF YOU SEE SOMEONE CRYING AT A FUNERAL IN--IN SOUTH AFRICA, THIS IS WHAT YOU'LL SEE.

[YELLS] [LAUGHTER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S ALL I HAVE TIME FOR [INDISTINCT].

I HAVE TO GO.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FIRST TIME IN L.A., THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> MPHO "POPPS."

OH, MAN.

ALL THE WAY FROM JO-BURG, YOU GUYS.

HAS ANYONE BEEN TO SOUTH AFRICA BEFORE?

>> WHOO!

>> IT'S ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE COUNTRIES I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

WERE YOU BLOWN AWAY BY HOW BEAUTIFUL THE WOMEN ARE THERE?

IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

THEY WERE LIKE NA'VI FROM "AVATAR."

[LAUGHTER] JUST LIKE HIGH CHEEK BONES, SYMMETRICAL FACES.

AND THEIR NAMES ARE INCREDIBLE.

I MET A GIRL, SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO, MY NAME IS REVILUE."

IT MEANS "WIND."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH."

[LAUGHTER] SHE'S LIKE, "MY NAME IS LUNJIBONGO."

IT MEANS "UGGS."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, IT DOES."

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M DANSANI."

[CLICKS TONGUE] AND I'M LIKE, "YOU CAN DO THAT?"

[LAUGHTER] YOU CAN JUST DO THAT?

YOU CAN ADD-YOU CAN ADD A SOUND EMOJI TO YOUR NAME?

WHY DON'T WE DO THAT?

WHY DON'T WE DO THAT?

HEY, I'M NICK-WHOO!

NICE TO MEET YOU.

[LAUGHTER] WHAT UP?

ROBERT-YEAH!

ROBERT.

THAT'S JUST MY NAME.

THAT'S MY GRANDFATHER'S NAME.

YOU GUYS READY FOR YOUR NEXT COMIC?

>> YEAH!

>> PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER..

THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. JAMES ADOMIAN, YOU GUYS!

>> IT'S REALLY COOL TO SEE WERE ADITI AND MPHO ARE, YOU KNOW, AT, WITH THE SHOW COMING UP AND STUFF.

IT'S, UH--IT'S EXCITING AND NERVE-WRECKING, YOU KNOW, TO DO SOMETHING BIG AND NEW LIKE THAT.

I WAS ON TV FOR THE FIRST TIME MAYBE 8 YEARS AGO, TERRIFIED.

I'D SORT OF ONLY BEEN DOING STAND-UP FOR A FEW YEARS, AND THEN SUDDENLY, I'M DOING IT .. EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY.

>> HE LOOKS GREAT, HE'S DONE.

>> WAIT, LET ME SEE.

>> LET'S CHECK.

>> PERFECT.

I LOVE GOING IN TO BE--TO PLAYING SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SET.

I THINK IT'S FUN TO PLAY WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE ABILITY TO PUT ON A MASK AND BE SOMEBODY ELSE FOR A MOMENT.

I GREW UP IN LOS ANGELES.

ANYBODY ELSE HERE GROW UP IN L.A.?

>> WHOO!

>> "ALL RIGHT, COOL, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

YEAH, SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?"

WE PRETEND THAT WE DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT HERE, BUT WE DEFINITELY DO, AND YOU CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE, IT JUST INVOLVES TURNING OFF YOUR TONGUE COMPLETELY.

"HEY, DUDE, WHAT'S UP?

SERIOUSLY, THESE DAYS, PRETTY MUCH JUST, LIKE, SURFING AROUND SANTA MONICA.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOUTH?

NOTHING AT ALL.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, FALLING AROUND.

BASICALLY, MY TONGUE RIGHT NOW IS LIKE SUNROOF DOWN, SHADES UP.

IT'S LIKE WHATEVER, GUYS.

TAKE A CLASS DOWN AT UCLA."

"WHERE?"

"UCLA, IT'S LIKE TWO SYLLA.. [LAUGHTER] "I'M IN, LIKE, THE POSTGRADUATE DOCTORAL PROGRAM, SO, THAT'S PRETTY SWEET."

[LAUGHTER] NO, AND IT'S LIKE--I GREW UP--SO, I GREW UP HERE.

I'M ALSO--I'M GAY, SO, SORRY, LADIES, AND YOU'RE WELCOME, FELLAS.

[LAUGHTER] I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT I'M GAY, UH, SOMETIMES, BECAUSE I DON'T NECESSARILY SCAN GAY.

LIKE, IN THE SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT SENSE, LIKE, "BEEP, GAY, BEEP, GAY."

AND IT GETS TO ME AND IT'S LIKE, "OH, WE'VE GOT TO MANUALLY KEY THIS ONE IN."

[LAUGHTER] IS THERE A MANAGER HERE?

UM...SO, YEAH, I'M GAY.

I'M A PROUD HOMO-AMERICAN.

YES, THAT IS A PHRASE THAT I'VE PICKED UP.

THANKS!

WE GOT SOME GAYS HERE TONIGHT?

>> YEAH!

>> ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A .. ONE, THANKS, THEY'RE COMING OUT.

COOL, RIGHT BY THE EXIT, IN CASE IT GOES BAD, WE CAN MAKE A QUICK DASH.

[LAUGHTER] UH, YEAH, I, UH, LIKE TO CALL MYSELF A HOMO-AMERICAN.

THAT'S A PHRASE THAT, UH, GEORGE W. BUSH COINED ACCIDENTALLY, AND IT'S THE ONLY THING I KEPT FROM HIS PRESIDENCY.

HE WAS DOING A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND HE WAS LIKE-- "I APPRECIATE THAT THERE'S HOMO-AMERICANS OUT THERE."

[LAUGHTER] LIKE WE IMMIGRATED FROM A HOMO-LAND.

"I UNDERSTAND THE HOMO-AMERICANS CAME HERE... AND I'M FULLY UNDERSTANDFUL THAT THEY HAVE THEIR OTHERS.

GOD BLESS THEM ALL.

GOD BLESS THEM ALL TO DEATH."

I FEEL LIKE I'VE PUT IN MY DUES AS A MASCULINE GUY.

I PLAYED FOOTBALL FOR MANY YEARS, I WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I PLAYED CENTER, THAT'S THE PERFECT POSITION FOR A GAY FOOTBALL PLAYER.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS, THE CENTER IS THE ONE WHO'S HIKING THE BALL THROUGH YOUR LEGS TO THE QUARTERBACK, WHO'S THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE, AND HE HAS HIS HANDS ON YOUR ASS, AND THAT'S JUST YOUR JOB.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M READY WHEN.. YOU ARE, CAPTAIN.

I KNOW YOU REALLY WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY ASS, BUT THERE'S NO WAY TO STOP IT.

AND NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE BALL AND KEEP ALL THE OTHER BOYS AWAY FROM US!"

THAT'S HOW YOU WIN GAMES, YOU GUYS.

[LAUGHTER] I DON'T KNOW, I THINK GAY PEOPLE HAVE TO PUNCH THROUGH A LOT OF NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES.

THE BIGGEST NEGATIVE GAY STEREOTYPE, OBVIOUSLY, IS THE GAY VILLAIN, WHICH IS, UH--IT'S A PRETTY BIG ONE.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT A GAY VILLAIN IS, THERE'S AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF VILLAINS IN CARTOONS, MOVIES, AND STUFF WHO ARE GAY FOR NO GOOD REASON.

WHERE'S THERE LIKE A--A THIN 'STACHE, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HMM, FACIAL GROOMING, SOMETHING MUST BE AFOUL."

[LAUGHTER] THEY HAVE TO HINT AT IT THAT WAY, THEY CAN'T JUST BE LIKE, "THE BAD GUY'S THE FAGGOT, WATCH OUT!"

THEY'RE LIKE, "THE BAD GUY HAS A PERFUMED CALLING CARD, IF YOU CAN CATCH MY MEANING."

[LAUGHTER] "HE'S THE GENTLEMAN OF A CERTAIN DISTINCTION."

LIKE, ANY VINCENT PRICE--VINCENT PRICE MOVIES, HE'S ALWAYS A GAY VILLAIN.

THAT'S ALL HE EVER PLAYED.

HE WAS LIKE, "GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

LADIES, PLEASE ESCORT YOURSELVES OUT."

[LAUGHTER] "YOU WILL PARDON MY EVENING GOWN AND SUBTLE ERECTION, I TRUST."

[LAUGHTER] THERE'S A LOT OF--THERE'S A LOT OF GAY VILLAINS IN CARTOONS.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN THE EIGHTIES, IT WAS THE "GUMMI BEARS" ON THE DISNEY AFTERNOON.

THE MAIN BAD GUY IS DUKE IGTHORN, WHO HAS THE MUSTACHE AND, LIKE, LEATHER BOOTS, AND THIS TIGHT, BODY-FITTING, GRAY CHAINMAIL.

LIKE, THAT WAS BIG IN THE .. AGES, I GUESS.

AND HE'S ALWAYS SCREAMING AND SINGING AT THE SAME TIME.

♪ BRING ME THOSE GUMMI BEARS!

NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA I WANT THEM FOR THE GUMMI BEARY SHOWS ♪ [LAUGHTER] "BRING THEM TO ME!"

AND THE GAY VILLAIN NEVER WANTS TO DO THE WORK HIMSELF.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "BRING THEM TO ME, I'M WEAK AND EFFEMINATE.

I LIFT FOR MUSCLE TONE, NOT STRENGTH."

SOMETIMES, I THINK THE STANDARD OF MASCULINITY IN ADVERTISEMENTS IS SO HIGH THAT, EVEN IF YOU GOT THE TOUGHEST, MOST MASCULINE DUDE--OF COURSE, WHEN I SAY "THE MOST MASCULINE," I'M TALKING ABOUT SAM ELLIOTT, THE GUY FROM "THE BIG LEBOWSKI."

HE DOES ALL THE COMMERCIALS.

IF YOU PUT TOGETHER--IN FACT, IF YOU PUT TOGETHER ALL OF SAM ELLIOTT'S COMMERCIALS, IT WOULD SOUND LIKE, "COORS, IT'S WHAT DODGE TRUCK DRIVERS ARE DRINKING ON THEIR WAY TO DINNER.

BEEF, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER."

I WOULD LOVE IT, THOUGH, IF SAM ELLIOTT WOULD STEP OUTSIDE OF HIS WHEELHOUSE AND DO, LIKE, AN AD FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT CARTOONISHLY MASCULINE.

LIKE, IF YOU TURN ON THE RADIO AND HEAR HIM BE LIKE, "SEE, FRIENDS, NEXT TIME YOU'RE GATHERED AROUND THAT VEGAN CAMPFIRE AND YOU'RE HOLDING HANDS WITH YOUR COMMITTED LIFE PARTNER, TAKE SOME TIME TO GIVE THANKS TO THOSE TRANSGENDERED FOLKS UP IN OREGON."

[LAUGHTER] "BECAUSE THEY'RE YANKING HOT SOY BEANS OUT OF AN UNFORGIVING COOPERATIVE FARM.

AND THAT'S ALL SO YOU COULD ENJOY THAT SLICE OF TOFURKEY SERVED UP SO RARE.

SHE MAY NOT BE KICKING, BUT YOU CAN BET SHE'LL STILL BE PHOTOSYNTHESIZING.

SOY, IT'S WHAT'S FOR BRUNCH."

[LAUGHTER] I MIGHT GO FOR THAT.

"AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WASH IT DOWN WITH A NICE, COLD SWIG OF KOMBUCHA PURE LIFE VINEGAR DRINK.

EVERY BOTTLE HAS THE MOTHER INSIDE.

NAMASTE, MAMA."

[LAUGHTER] I'M ALSO A BIG FAN OF JESSE VENTURA, THE KING OF CONSPIRACIES.

JESSE VENTURA'S GREAT BECAUSE HE'LL PRONOUNCE WORDS IN WAYS YOU FORGOT THEY WERE SPELLED.

"HAVE YOU READ THE "DOCUMENCH?"

I'VE READ THE "DOCUMENCH".

THEY'RE AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD, WWW.WWF FORWARD /VENTURA.W."

[LAUGHTER] JESSE VENTURA'S GREAT, UH, I LOVE HIM.

HE RECENTLY CAME OUT IN ..

GAY MARRIAGE, WHICH IS COOL, BECAUSE HE'S LIKE A FORMER NAVY SEAL, "A GOVERNOR, AND A FIGHTER."

YOU DON'T USUALLY SEE BIG .. GUYS ON THE GAY SIDE OF THIS ISSUE, AND THERE HE WAS.

HE WAS LIKE, "LEAVE THE GAYS ALONE.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM BECAUSE WE'RE IGNORANT.

ONE OF THEM PULLED A THORN OUT OF MY PAW, LITERALLY."

THERE WAS AN AD THAT RAN ON MINNESOTA TELEVISION WHERE HE WAS LIKE, "GOVERNMENT CAN'T TELL YOU WHO TO LOVE."

AND THAT WAS GREAT, BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST TIME I HEARD OF LIBERTARIAN ARGUMENT FOR GAY MARRIAGE, AND I JUST WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THAT, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO CRAZY.

"YOU CAN TAKE MY LOVER WHEN YOU PRY HIM FROM MY COLD, DEAD THIGH."

IT WORKED IN MINNESOTA, IT'LL WORK HERE TOO, THANKS GUYS, ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.

[APPLAUSE] HASAN MINHAJ.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THANK YOU, BUDDY.

>> JAMES ADOMIAN, YOU GUYS.

WASN'T HE INCREDIBLE?

OH, MY GOD.

THIS NEXT COMIC COMING TO THE STAGE, MAN, I WENT TO INDIA, AND, UH, I WENT BACK TO THE MOTHERLAND, UH, MY MOTHERLAND.

YOU KNEW HER BEFORE SHE WAS A COMIC, WERE YOU LIKE, "OH, SHE'S THE FUNNY ONE."

>> YEAH, SHE ALWAYS WAS THE FUNNY ONE, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE IN COLLEGE USED TO TELL ME THAT, "STOP LAUGHING AT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS, YOU KNOW.

WHY DO YOU ENCOURAGE HER SHIT?"

I WAS LIKE "UH, BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY."

>> BECAUSE WE WERE TOO BUSY, I THINK, MESSING AROUND, WE NEVER REALLY MANAGED TO ATTRACT ANY MALE ATTENTION.

>> YEAH.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

>> IT'S VERY TRUE.

LIKE, WE WERE LOUD BULLIES, AND I DON'T THINK, LIKE, GUYS WOULD'VE GONE, HMM, LIKE... >> YOU'RE PUTTING GUYS IN HEADLOCKS, "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?"

AND RIGHT NOW IN MUMBAI, SHE'S ONE OF ONLY 3 FEMALE COMEDIANS IN ALL OF INDIA, AND SHE'S DOING HER THING.

AND I WAS LIKE, WE GOT TO BRING HER BACK HERE, WE HAVE TO DO THAT, BECAUSE WHAT SHE'S DOING IS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.

SO, I WANT YOU GUYS TO REALLY GIVE IT UP FOR HER.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR ADITI MITTAL, YOU GUYS.

GIVE IT UP.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> HELLO, UH, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE, MY NAME IS ADITI MITTAL, I TALK LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, UH, IT'S--I'M AT THE LAUGH FACTORY.

[APPLAUSE] IT'S SO COOL.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME THE AMERICANS PUT AN INDIAN IN A FACTORY, WE WERE SEWING BUTTONS ON A SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER] SO, THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT.

LIKE, I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I LOVE L.A., LIKE, IT'S HUGE.

IT'S--BECAUSE BETWEEN EVERY BUILDING, THERE ARE AT LEAST LIKE 9 EMPTY PARKING LOTS.

[LAUGHTER] WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE A BUILDING HERE, THEN DRIVE 20 MINUTES, AND MAKE ANOTHER BUILDING?

AND I COME FROM A COUNTRY WITH 1.2 BILLION PEOPLE.

YEAH, I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A CONCEPT LIKE PERSONAL SPACE.

[LAUGHTER] AND SO, I'M STANDING IN L.A. AND I'M LIKE, "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

I'M LONELY!

SOMEONE TOUCH ME!

LIKE...

I COULD DO WITH A MOLESTER OR TWO RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD BE NICE."

[LAUGHTER] SO DEPRESSING.

SO, I MISS HOME.

I MISS HOME, IT'S DIFFICULT.

UM, BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I CALLED MY MOM AND I TOLD HER I WAS GOING TO L.A. AND I WAS GOING TO BE PERFORMING AT THE LAUGH FACTORY.

SO, MY MOTHER GOT EXCITED, AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH," SHE STARTED CALLING ALL HER FRIENDS.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU KNOW, ADITI IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST INDIAN TO PERFORM AT L.A.'S LAUGH FACTORY."

AND I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HER, THAT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WITH 1.2 BILLION OF US, YOU WILL NEVER BE THE FIRST TO DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

NOT MATTER WHAT IT IS, AN INDIAN HAS BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT.

LIKE, IN 1492, EVEN WHEN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS SHOWED UP, HE'S LIKE, "OH, WELL, THE INDIANS ARE ALREADY HERE.

THIS IS..." [LAUGHTER] AND I JUST WANT--I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY, A FEW THINGS, YOU KNOW, ABOUT INDIA.

THE DOT ON THE HEAD, YEAH, WE'RE ALL WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

UH, IT'S CALLED A BINDI.

IN EASTERN PHILOSOPHY, IT REPRESENTS THE THIRD EYE, THE ALL-KNOWING ALL-SEEING THIRD EYE.

AND WE STILL CAN'T DRIVE... [LAUGHTER] BECAUSE IT TOTALLY FUCKS WITH YOUR DEPTH PERCEPTION, YOU'RE LIKE... [LAUGHTER] AS AN INDIAN DRIVING ABROAD SOMETIMES, ACTUALLY, MOST OF THE TIME, YOU'LL MEET THIS ONE PERSON WHO'S LIKE, "YOU'RE FROM INDIA?

YOU KNOW, YOUR ENGLISH IS REALLY GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "THANK YOU."

SHE'S LIKE, "SO, TELL ME, LIKE FOR REAL, WHEN DID YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH?"

SO, NOW I COULD TELL HER THAT, YOU KNOW, INDIA HAS BEEN UNDER COLONIAL RULE FOR THE PAST 200 YEARS AND THAT'S WHY OUR ENTIRE PRIVATE EDUCATION SYSTEM IS BASED IN ENGLISH.

BUT I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW, "ON THE FLIGHT."

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] IT WAS IN-FLIGHT ROSETTA STONE KIND OF A THING.

I PICK UP STUFF REALLY QUICKLY.

AND, UH, AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY AMPLE THIGHS, UM, I HATED P.E.

PERIOD, YOU KNOW, P.E.

CLASS, UH, PHYSICAL EDUCATION, BECAUSE, I JUST, I HAVE NO HAND-EYE COORDINATION, AND I WAS ALWAYS THE LAST TO BE PICKED.

AND SO, LIKE, THE MOMENT I HIT PUBERTY, I WAS THRILLED, BECAUSE I--I JUST GO UP TO YOUR TEACHER AND YOU'RE LIKE, UH, "YOU KNOW, IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH."

WHAT'S HE GOING TO SAY?

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, SURE, MAN, GO SIT INSIDE CLASS, NO PROBLEM."

NOW THEY HAVE THESE COMMERCIALS WHERE THESE WOMEN ARE, LIKE, DOING GYMNASTICS, CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN, FIGHTING A TIGER.

I'M LIKE, "DON'T TELL THEM WE CAN DO THIS."

[LAUGHTER] THIS WAS THE ONE VALID EXCUSE WE HAD!

[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE BEEN AMAZING, MY NAME IS ADITI MITTAL.

[APPLAUSE] >> ADITI MITTAL, YOU GUYS.

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, THIS NEXT COMIC, MAN.

OH, MAN, I SAW HIM RECENTLY ON CONAN AND HE HAD ONE OF THE FUNNIEST SETS I'D EVER SEEN IN SUCH A LONG TIME.

>> EVERYBODY SETTLE, SETTLE, PLEASE.

>> WE'RE TRYING TO GET GOLD OVER HERE GUYS.

>> NEXT INTERVIEW.

>> WHEN I MOVED TO CHICAGO, MY ACCENT WAS, LIKE, MUCH THICKER THAN IT IS NOW.

AND I WOULD HAVE TO--I'D HAVE TO SLOW DOWN, AND TALK, BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, THEY PROBABLY STILL CAN'T NOW.

I'M LIKE, UH, ADITI, SHE'S THE FIRST, YOU KNOW, WOMAN COMIC IN MUMBAI, AND I WAS THE FIRST SOUTHERN COMIC TO MOVE TO NEW YORK AND SAY Y'ALL.

SO, SAME KIND OF STRUGGLES.

HEY, I GET NERVOUS IF THE FIRST SHOW--WHEN IT DOESN'T WORK, THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, BOY."

>> PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE VERY FUNNY NATE BARGATZE, GUYS, SHOW HIM SOME LOVE.

NATE BARGATZE.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> THANKS, THANKS, THANKS, EVERYBODY.

UH, IT'S ALREADY GOING GOOD.

SO, IT'S GREAT, LIKE, TO BE, LIKE, DOING A SHOW, WITH, LIKE, TWO COMICS, UH, THAT ARE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, AND THEY KNOW WAY MORE ABOUT MY COUNTRY THAN I EVEN KNOW.

[LAUGHTER] LIKE, IF THERE WAS, LIKE, A TEST OR SOMETHING, I WOULD BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW," LIKE, A LOT OF IT.

UH, I'M LIKE, I LOVE IT MORE THAN THEY DO, SO, COULD I JUST WRITE THAT DOWN AND EVERYTHING?

JUST BE LIKE LOVE.

WHAT WAS THE 13th PRESIDENT?

DOESN'T MATTER, I LOVE HIM ANYWAY.

IS THAT...?

COULD WE JUST PUT THAT?

[LAUGHTER] I, UH, I DON'T KNOW [INDISTINCT] I'VE BEEN TO A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, TOO.

LIKE, I'VE GOT TO TRAVEL A L..

IT'S ALL WASTED ON ME, BECAUSE I DIDN'T--LIKE, I DIDN'T LEARN ABOUT COUNTRIES IN SCHOOL, I LEARNED, UH, ABOUT TENNESSEE AND THEN I LEARNED ABOUT THE STATES THAT TOUCHED US IN CASE THEY ATTACKED.

[LAUGHTER] THEN, THEY TOLD ME THE REST WAS EUROPE AND THEY'RE LIKE, "THAT'S WHERE THE GAYS ARE MADE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE "PRETTY SURE."

SO...

PRETTY... [LAUGHS] I WENT TO, UH, BAHRAIN, LIKE 7 YEARS AGO AND, UH, I JUST--I THOUGHT I WAS IN SAUDI, I JUST TOLD PEOPLE I WAS IN SAUDI ARABIA.

I WAS LIKE, "I WAS IN BAHRAIN, SAUDI ARABIA."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW BAHRAIN IS ITS OWN COUNTRY?"

I WAS LIKE [INDISTINCT].

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S WHAT I LIKE, THOSE GUYS GET IT.

[LAUGHTER] IT WAS A USO TOUR AND, UH, SO, WE STAYED ON AN ARMY BASE, BUT YOU COULD, LIKE, LEAVE THE BASE THERE AND GO, LIKE, DOWNTOWN YOU KNOW, BAHRAIN.

SO...

WHEN, UH, WHEN YOU GO OUT, THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOK, IT'S SAFE, JUST DON'T DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF, SO, LIKE DON'T WEAR, LIKE, AMERICAN T-SHIRTS."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE."

I WAS LIKE, "UH, WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO ABOUT THE WHITE ON MY SKIN?"

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE ISSUE.

[LAUGHTER] I WENT TO HONDURAS, ANOTHER PLACE THAT I DON'T, LIKE, I HAD LIKE--BECAUSE I WAS AT THE AIRPORT, AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, UH, I WAS LIKE, "I'M GOING TO HONDURAS" HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT CITY" AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M JUST LEARNING RIGHT NOW THAT'S NOT THE NAME OF THE CITY."

SO... [LAUGHTER] "I DON'T KNOW, DUDE, JUST WHEREVER OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING PROBABLY, LET'S JUST GO THERE, AND FIGURE IT OUT."

WE GET TO THE BASE, AND THE GUY, HE'S LIKE, "TELL US ABOUT HONDURAS," HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL," HE'S LIKE, "YOU GO TO REALLY LOOK OUT FOR SNAKES, THERE'S A LOT OF VENOMOUS SNAKES HERE.

SO, WHEN YOU WALK AROUND, JUST KEEP AN EYE OUT."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "NOW, IF YOU GET BIT BY A SNAKE, UH, THE BEST THING TO DO IS THEN JUST GO AHEAD AND CATCH THE SNAKE AND BRING IT SO THEN WE KNOW, LIKE, WHAT SNAKE BIT YOU."

[LAUGHTER] I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I'M PRETTY POSITIVE THAT'S, LIKE, EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, LIKE, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT EVER ON ANIMAL PLANET, LIKE SOMETHING GETS BIT AND THEN THEY GOT TO BE, LIKE, NOW I GOT TO GET IT."

UH...

I WAS LIKE, "I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT," I WAS LIKE, "THAT DOESN'T MAKE--I NEVER CAUGHT A SNAKE IN MY LIFE.

AND THEN, WHEN I GET BIT FOR THE FIRST TIME, I GOT TO GET IT TOGETHER AND CATCH A SNAKE?"

[LAUGHTER] I WAS LIKE, "IT'S NOT GOING TO GO, GOOD MAN," I WAS LIKE, "IT'S GOING TO KEEP BITING ME, THAT'S ALL THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN."

[LAUGHTER] AND HE WAS LIKE, "IT DOESN'T MATTER, LIKE, YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BIT."

AND I WAS, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A SNAKE IS?

IT COMPLETELY MATTERS.

THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ONE BITE AND PROBABLY 30 BITES.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE AT, IF I TRY TO CATCH THIS SNAKE.

WHO TOLD YOU THIS, THE SNAKE?

IS THAT WHO TOLD YOU, TO TELL ME ALL OF THIS?

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?"

[LAUGHTER] NOT, YOU KNOW, NOT A BRIGHT GUY.

I TRIED TO GO TO COLLEGE, AND I WENT FOR, UH, ONE YEAR, TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

UH, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CREDIT.

SO, I GOT--MY LOAN WAS $40.

[LAUGHTER] I JUST PAID CASH, I JUST PAID THE TEACHER $40.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S, YOU KNOW, THAT'S PROBABLY GOOD."

I TOOK REMEDIAL CLASSES.

SO, REMEDIAL, THAT'S BASICALLY WHEN THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOK, WE REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL LET YOU LEAVE, AND... WE'RE SHOCKED ABOUT IT, AND WE'RE GOING TO LOOK INTO IT."

BUT I TOOK MATH AS A CLASS, LIKE--LIKE I LITERALLY BOUGHT A BOOK, AND THE TITLE WAS "MATH."

[LAUGHTER] I TOOK READING AS WELL, LIKE, I--I DROVE TO THAT CLASS, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE?

I'VE DRIVEN TO A READING CLASS.

I'M NOT EVEN AN IMMIGRANT, I'M FROM HERE.

I SHOULD'VE KNOCKED THAT OUT YEARS AGO.

I THINK COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS BASICALLY JUST LIFE BEING LIKE, "LOOK, YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO DO MANUAL LABOR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

I THINK THAT'S WHY YOU GO.

AND OUR TEACHERS WOULD LEAD US THAT WAY.

I REMEMBER GOING TO CLASS, AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, UH, SO, TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT, UH, IS WE'RE GOING TO HELP ME MOVE."

SO... [LAUGHTER] STUFF LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

I LIKE DOING COMEDY THOUGH, IT'S FUN.

I'M GOING TO QUIT SOON, SO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

UH, I CAN'T QUIT YET.

UH, FOR ONE, IT'S PRETTY TOUGH TO QUIT SOMETHING NO ONE KNOWS YOU DO.

SO, THERE'S THAT HURDLE.

THERE'S NO ONE EVEN TO QUIT TO, EVEN IF I WANTED, NO ONE CARES.

I DON'T HAVE A BOSS, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T JUST CALL COSBY AND BE LIKE, "LOOK, I'M OUT."

[LAUGHTER] HERE'S WHY, I--MY DAD IS AN ENTERTAINER AS WELL, HE'S A--HE'S A MAGICIAN.

LIKE [INDISTINCT] IS A MAGICIAN.

BUT, LIKE, HE STARTED AS A CLOWN.

LIKE HE GOT, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO COME UP HERE AND COME OFF, LIKE I COME FROM SOME RICH MAGIC FAMILY.

I'M BETTER THAN YOU, GUYS, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

HE PAID HIS DUES, HIS CLOWN DUES.

IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH, IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOUR DAD'S A CLOWN, IT'S WEIRD EVERY DAY.

UH... LIKE, I NEVER TRUSTED CLOWNS, YOU KNOW, LIKE, BECAUSE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN YELLED AT BY A CLOWN?

I HAVE.

UH, DO YOU KNOW HOW CONFUSING THAT IS, TO GET SCREAMED AT BY A GUY WHO'S GOT A SMILE PAINTED ON HIS FACE?

YOU KNOW, IS THIS FUN?

IT'S NOT FUN RIGHT NOW.

HE WAS A CLOWN UNTIL I WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD, AND, FROM EXPERIENCE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT'S ABOUT AS LONG AS YOU WANT YOUR DAD TO BE A CLOWN.

LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE 6 AND 7, THERE'S SOME PERKS, YOU KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU'RE 12 AND 13, KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE LIKE, "IS HE STILL DOING THAT?"

LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

JUST OFF AND ON, ALL RIGHT, HE IS ALMOST FULL TIME MAGIC, SO, MAYBE LET'S TAKE IT EASY."

I'M MARRIED, UH, IT'S FINE.

YOU KNOW, UH, I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 7 YEARS, AND, UH, WE HAVE A 10 MONTH-OLD, SO, IT'S GETTING PRETTY SERIOUS.

SO... [LAUGHTER] IT'S A WILD [INDISTINCT] WAS INSANE.

LIKE, I REMEMBER GOING TO THE HOSPITAL, I LIKE TOLD MY WIFE, I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT, IT'S GOING TO BE GROSS."

LIKE I WAS LIKE, "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS."

I WISH IT WAS LIKE T..

WHEN THEY DIDN'T LET MEN IN THE HOSPITAL.

BUT IT'S NOT, NOW, DOCTORS ARE LIKE, "DO YOU WANT TO DELIVER THE BABY, WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?"

[LAUGHTER] THEY JUST PULL THE BABY OUT AND THEN THEY'RE LIKE, "HERE, CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD."

BUT THEY'RE LIKE, "I DID.. A CLASS, ALL RIGHT."

THEY JUST ACT LIKE I'M THE GUY THAT CUTS UMBILICAL CORDS AT THE HOSPITAL.

LIKE, I ALMOST--I ALMOST CUT THE WRONG PART AND THEN THEY'RE LIKE, "THAT'S NOT RIGHT."

I WAS LIKE, "I'M SORRY, MAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUMP IN, YOU DID GO TO DOCTOR SCHOOL FOR THIS."

[LAUGHTER] WHY AM I DOING MINOR SURGERY RIGHT NOW?

[LAUGHTER] THE BIG MESSAGE AT THE HOSP--UH, THE REALLY BIG, I'M LIKE, ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER YOU DO, LET'S JUST TRY NOT TO SHAKE THIS BABY.

THAT'S LIKE THE NUMBER ONE.. AND THEY TELL IT TO YOU AND THEY'RE LIKE, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO SHAKE THE BABY.

BUT... [LAUGHTER] IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME IF YOU JUST DID NOT, SHAKE THIS BABY.

AND THEN, THEY SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF A GUY THAT WAS LIKE, "HERE'S WHAT I DO, INSTEAD OF SHAKING MY BABY."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "I TAKE WALKS FOR INSTANCE, I WALK, 70 MILES A DAY OR SOMETHING, I WALK A LOT."

LIKE, "I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THE BABY, IF YOU WANT TO GET DOWN TO IT."

AND THEN, I SIGNED A CERTIFICATE LIKE I WAS IN KINDERGARTEN THAT SAID LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I PROMISE, SWEAR TO GOD I WON'T SHAKE THE BABY."

I SIGNED THAT.

I NEVER HEARD THE WORD SHAKE SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE--LIKE, THAT'S ALL WE TALKED ABOUT FOR 3 DAYS.

AND THEN, THE FIRST NIGHT WE GOT HER HOME, SHE WAS LIKE CRYING FOR LIKE 6 STRAIGHT HOURS, AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE DELIRIOUS, AND I WAS LIKE SITTING THERE AND I WAS, "WAIT, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SHAKE THIS BABY?

IS THIS WHEN WE DO IT?

BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WOULD BE WHEN WE SHOULD DO IT."

IF... WE DIDN'T SHAKE HER, SO... WE HAVE WRAPPED HER AGGRESSIVELY, BUT... [LAUGHTER] THERE IS, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

THERE'S SOME GOOD THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TELL A STORY WITH THAT.

I GOT A--I GOT A BUDDY OF MINE, AND HE'S INTO THIS MMA STUFF.

HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.

LIKE, I LEARNED HOW CRAZY HE-- ALL RIGHT, HIS NAME'S LUIS GOMEZ, AND THIS WHEN I LEARNED HOW CRAZY MY FRIEND IS, LUIS.

WE WENT McDONALD'S TO GO EAT, SO, WE ORDERED OUR FOOD, WE TAKE OUR FOOD, WE SIT DOWN AT OUR TABLE, AND THEN LUIS WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SO, HE LEFT ME ALONE WITH HIS FOOD.

SO, I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO PLAY A PRANK ON HIM."

SO, I GRABBED HIS HAMBURGER, I UNWRAPPED IT, I TOOK A BITE OUT OF IT, I WRAPPED IT BACK UP, I PUT IT BACK DOWN ON HIS TRAY.

SO, THAT'S MY BIG PRANK, RIGHT?

LIKE, IT'S RIDICULOUS, IT'S STUPID, IT'S A PRANK THAT SHOULD NEVER LEAVE THE TABLE.

LIKE, LUIS SHOULD COME BACK, HE SHOULD OPEN HIS BURGER AND HIS FIRST REACTION SHOULD BE TO LOOK AT HIS BEST FRIEND WHO'S SITTING WITH HIM, WHO ALSO, BY THE WAY, DABBLES IN COMEDY.

[LAUGHTER] AND JUST BE LIKE, "HEY, I JUST WANT TO RUN THIS BY YOU, UH, BEFORE I UNEXPECTEDLY GO FREAK OUT ON THIS ENTIRE McDONALD'S."

BUT I LEARNED THAT I'M FRIENDS WITH A LUNATIC.

UH, AND A GUY COMFORTABLE FIGHTING McDONALD'S EMPLOYEES, BECAUSE HE OPENED HIS BURGER AND COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE--LIKE HE IMMEDIATELY HE LOOKED AT IT, ALMOST LIKE HE EXPECTED THEM TO DO IT, LIKE IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

AND HE'S LIKE, "AGAIN, AGAIN WITH THIS?"

[LAUGHTER] HE JUST STARTS SCREAMING, HE'S LIKE, "SOMEBODY ATE MY--I'M GOING TO FIGHT ALL OF YOU TO TRY TO FIND OUT WHO ATE MY BURGER."

HE GETS UP, HE STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THEM, SO, NOW I JUMP IN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S WORKING, DUDE, WE'VE GOTTEN SO MUCH FARTHER THAN I THOUGHT WE COULD GET.

I GRAB, I WAS LIKE, "LUIS, I ATE YOUR BURGER, DUDE, I ATE IT.

LIKE, THAT'S INSANE THAT YOU DIDN'T LOOK AT ME."

SO, I GET HIM TO SIT DOWN BUT IT'S LIKE WEIRD, EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME, AND IT TAKES LIKE 10 MINUTES FOR PEOPLE TO QUIT FILMING US WITH THEIR PHONES.

[LAUGHTER] I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S PRETEND I'M NOT HERE, LET'S PRETEND THAT SOMEONE DID EAT YOUR BURGER, THAT WORK AT THIS McDONALD'S.

YOU WERE GOING TO GO BLINDLY FIGHT THAT GUY, NOT TRYING TO SIZE HIM UP AT LEAST, SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE?

LIKE, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BEAT UP A GUY THAT IS APPARENTLY PRETTY CONFIDENT IN HIMSELF?

THAT HE'S MAKING BURGERS, HE'S BEEN EATING THEM..." [LAUGHTER] "AND HE'S JUST SENDING THEM OUT TO WHOEVER GETS IT?

DO YOU NOT THINK THAT GUY IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST FIGHTER OF ALL TIME?

I THINK YOU WOULD WALK TO THAT McDONALD'S COUNTER LIKE, "WHO ATE MY BURGER?"

AND ALL THE McDONALD'S EMPLOYEES WOULD JUST PART WAYS, BECAUSE THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

AND THEN, IN THE VERY BACK OF McDONALD'S, YOU SEE A GUY STANDING THERE, CRACKING HIS NECK, HE'S GOT HIS FIST IN A FRYER, DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT, JUST SITTING THERE HOLDING HIS HANDS UP.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] >> NATE BARGATZE, YOU GUYS, GIVE IT UP.

HOW GREAT WERE ADITI AND MPHO, YOU GUYS, HOW AMAZING WERE THEY?

THEY WERE AWESOME.

WHEN I WATCH, WHEN I WATCH ADITI, IT MAKES--BECAUSE I WENT BACK, I WENT BACK TO THE MOTHERLAND, BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE THIS.

BUT I SOUND AMERICAN, SO, LIKE, MY PARENTS NEVER EVEN TOLD ME HOW THEY GOT TO THIS COUNTRY.

MY DAD FINALLY IS LIKE, "I'LL TELL YOU."

SO, HE SAT ME DOWN AND HE TOLD ME HOW THEY MET.

SO, 30 YEARS AGO, MY DAD HEARD A LOT OF BUZZ IN THE STREETS ABOUT THIS GIRL NAMED SIMA, MY MOM.

AND SIMA, LIKE, SHE WAS A BAD CHICK.

LIKE, SIMA COULD GET IT.

SHE WAS LIKE THE iPHONE OF ALIGARH, LIKE, "OH, HAVE YOU HEARD OF SIMA?

SHE'S VERY SLIM AND SLENDER, HER FAMILY OWNS A CAMERA."

"NOT A CAMERA!"

MY DAD COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO, HE BEELINES DOWN TO MY MOM'S HOUSE, HASN'T EVEN SEEN HER, HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S UP?

MY NAME'S NAJMI, I'M A CHEMIST, I'M GOING TO AMERICA, I WANT TO MARRY SIMA, YOLO, BAM.

IN 10 MINUTES, HE'D MARRIED A WOMAN HE HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

THAT IS YOLO, I DON'T CARE IF YOU POPPED MOLLY AT A CONCERT, MY DAD MARRIED A WOMAN HE HAD NEVER LAID EYES ON.

HE'S LIKE "PUT A BAG ON HER HEAD, WE'RE GOING TO AMERICA."

THE HYPE IS REAL.

NAJMI MARRIES SIMA, I COME OUT OF HIS BALLS, BAM, I'M HERE IN AMERICA TELLING YOU GUYS JOKES, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

[APPLAUSE] THAT'S AN AMAZING, AMAZING THING.

BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING, WHENEVER I GO BACK, I GO BACK TO THE VILLAGE, I FEEL LIKE THE RAPPER THAT MADE IT.

LIKE, I'M LIKE, "YO, THIS IS HOW YOU GUYS ARE LIVING, WELL, SHIT, HASAN IS BACK AND WHEN HASAN'S HERE, EVERYBODY EATS, SON, EVERYBODY EATS.

YEAH, COMPLETE [INDISTINCT] ON ME, FAM, GANJA'S ON ME FAM, FRUIT ROLL UPS ON ME, FAM."

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THEY'RE LOSING THEIR MINDS.. GUYS, THEY'RE LOSING THEM.

THEY'RE MAKING ME THEIR KING, THEY'RE LIKE, "HASAN IS HERE, HASAN IS OUR KING, KING HASAN HAS ARRIVED."

THEY'RE MAKING SONGS FOR ME, SACRIFICING GOATS, "HASAN IS HERE, WE KILLED A GOAT."

THEY'RE LOSING THEIR MINDS OVER STALE OREOS, THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, HASAN, IT'S ONE COOKIE, BUT NOW IT'S TWO."

I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO GIVE YOU A THIN MINT, YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS.

IF I GIVE YOU A SAMOA.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS, SON.

THIS GREEN BOX, IT CHANGES EVERYTHING, DON'T FREEZE IT, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR MINDS.

STRAP THE FUCK IN, WELCOME TO THE FIRST WORLD."

HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

SO, MY DAD, NAJMI, MARRIES SIMA, RIGHT?

THEY GET MARRIED, THEY COM..

HERE, THEY HAVE ME, RIGHT?

BUT THEY CAN'T BRING MY MOM OVER, BECAUSE OF IMMIGRATION ISSUES, SO, IT'S GOING BACK AND FORTH, AND THEN HE KNOCKS UP MY MOM, AND I HAVE A SISTER.

BUT THEY DON'T TELL ME ABOUT HER.

SHIT, iTUNES BONUS TRACK.. DON'T GET TO DOWNLOAD HER UNTIL YEARS LATER WHEN I WAS 8.

AND THEY BROUGHT HER OVER, AND WHEN THEY BROUGHT MY SISTER OVER, THEY SAT ME DOWN IN ONE ROOM AND SHE WAS IN ANOTHER ROOM, AND THEY BROUGHT HER IN LIKE IT WAS A "MAURY" FOR IMMIGRANTS.

LIKE, MY DAD HAD A CARD AND HE'S LIKE, "SON, THE RESULTS ARE IN, YOU ARE THE BROTHER."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

SHE CAME IN, SHE'S LIKE, "UH, WHERE'S MOM?

BUMP IT."

I'M LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

"SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU DON'T KNOW ME."

"YEAH, I DON'T KNOW YOU.

WHY ARE YOU IN MY BEDROOM?"

"NINJA TURTLE SHEETS, UH, NINJA TURTLE SHEETS."

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

I HATED THAT BROWN GIRL SO MUCH, I WANTED HER OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU UNDERSTAND.

I WAS A LITTLE REPUBLI..

LEVELING WITH MY PARENTS, I'M LIKE, "LOOK, MOM, DAD, THESE BROWN PEOPLE..." [LAUGHTER] "THEY'RE COMING INTO OUR HOUSE, THEY'RE EATING OUR FRUIT ROLL UPS, THEY DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, [INDISTINCT] TO KICK ROCKS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, GET OUT OF HERE."

YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS.

I DO, WHAT I LOVE MOST ABOUT INDIA IS, LIKE, WE THINK OVER HERE IN THE STATES WE'RE SO PROGRESSIVE.

BUT WHAT I LEARNED WHEN I WENT BACK IS THAT EVERYTHING'S IN YOUR FACE.

JUST LIKE, POVERTY, BAM, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, I GOT TO SHIT IN A HOLE, OKAY.

POOR PEOPLE, IT'S LIKE, BAM, RIGHT THERE.

IT'S AMAZING.

CAN I--CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?

HERE, COME OUT HERE QUICK.

GIVE IT UP FOR HIM, I GOT TO SHOW YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] IN INDIA--IN INDIA, LIKE, PEOPLE THINK THAT--WE THINK WE'RE PROGRESSIVE HERE, BUT IN INDIA, LIKE, STRAIGHT GUYS HOLD HANDS ON THE STREET, IT'S JUST, A NORMAL THING.

SO, WHEN I WENT BACK, I'M USED TO--I'M AMERICAN, SO, I'M USED TO PERSONAL AND EMOTIONAL SPACE.

WE'RE DEAD INSIDE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?

DON'T TALK TO ME, I'M AMERICAN."

AND WHEN I GOT OVER THERE, MY COUSIN SIO, HE JUST WAS LIKE, "HASAN, YOU'RE HOME.

YOU'RE MY BROTHER."

[LAUGHTER] AND MY FIRST REACTION WAS "PULL AWAY, GET AWAY, GET AWAY."

BUT IF YOU WERE TO SIT FOR A MINUTE, RIGHT, DOESN'T IT FEEL RIGHT?

>> IT FEELS GOOD.

>> LIKE IT'S JUST TWO DUDES AND WE'RE BROTHERS.

WE'RE BROTHERS, RIGHT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> WE'RE BROTHERS.

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

SO, I'M BACK THERE AND SIO'S LIKE, "COME ON... LET'S GET ICE CREAM."

[LAUGHTER] AND I'M LIKE, "LET'S GET ICE CREAM, WHY WOULDN'T WE GET ICE CREAM?"

SO, WE GO GET ICE CREAM.

AND WE'RE STANDING THERE, IN THE ICE CREAM PARLOR, AND HE'S SHOWING ME OFF, "HEY, THIS IS HASAN."

HE'S SHOWING ME OFF TO HIS FRIENDS.

AND THEN WE SAW A GIRL AT THE ICE CREAM PARLOR, AND HE'S JUST LIKE, "HEY, HASAN, YOU LIKE THAT GIRL?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, UH, SHE'S COOL."

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, GIRL."

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU SHOULD TALK TO A WOMAN, RIGHT?

LIKE, "HEY, GIRL, THIS IS MY BROTHER HASAN, HE'S FROM U.S. DO YOU LIKE HIM?"

AND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITH DIGNITY, SHE'S LIKE, "NO," AND WALKS OFF.

AND HE'S LIKE, "PFFT, LESBIAN."

AND WE WALKED AWAY.

THAT'S HOW PROGRESSIVE INDIA IS.

TWO DUDES HELD HANDS IN AN ICE CREAM PARLOR, CALLED A STRAIGHT WOMAN A LESBIAN, AND THEN WALKED OFF LICKING A MARS BAR.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

MY NAME'S HASAN MINHAJ.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

THAT WAS "STAND UP PLANET."

GOOD NIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.

I WANT--I WANT TO BRING UP ALL THE PERFORMERS FROM TONIGHT HERE TO THE STAGE.

GIVE IT UP FOR MICHELLE BU.. YOU GUYS.

GIVE IT UP FOR MPHO POPPS.

NATE BARGATZE, JAMES ADOMIAN, ADITI MITTAL.

GIVE IT UP FOR ALL OF THEM, YOU GUYS.

THIS HAS BEEN "STAND UP PL.. YOU GUYS, THANKS YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

>> LET'S HEAR IT FOR YOUR HOST HASAN MINHAJ.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] >> THANK YOU, GUYS, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR COMING.

GOOD NIGHT, TAKE CARE.

THANK YOU.

[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY KCET TELEVISION] [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--]