(lively music) (engine splutters) - [Lovejoy] Aargh!

(engine splutters) - But, if you haven't seen her , how can you be so sure she's not going to be there?

- One of the things you learn if you've been married to a woman for 11 years is whether or not she goes to parents' day.

Susan doesn't.

- But Vicky's your only child.

Doesn't Susan care?

- Oh, she cares.

She's adamant.

Parents' day is the one day a yr when you get to meet the teache, discuss academic prospects and plan for the future.

Susan thinks Vicky's smart enouh to handle the staff on her own.

That's why she never goes.

- Well, so do I.

That's why I a.

- Will Vicky want me there?

- Course she wants you there!

She adores you!

- Oh, all right.

I'll go.

But I'm not wearing the tiara.

I'll see you tomorrow, Lovejoy.

(bell rings) (door closes) - Brains, beauty and a working .

What more does a person need?

- Fine arts.

- Eh?

- That's what you need.

We should be dealing with more classy stuff.

More arts.

- You don't know your arts from your elbow, Eric.

- Yeah, well I'm doing a course?

Well, it's more a creative workshop actually.

A self-stimulating community of.

I'm gonna open the door to my i.

- No, you're not.

You're gonna get me a drink.

(bell ringing) - Mr. Lovejoy?

- Yes?

- I'd like you to sell some pri.

- Some Fuselis.

- Fuselis?

I'll have the drink now, Eric.

- Eh?

- This is a bound folio of original prints.

- Looks genuine.

Quite a find for a teenager, Ms?

- How much are they worth?

Can you value them?

- Aren't you gonna take a look?

(gasps) We can't sell these!

- But they must be worth thousa.

After the Marquis de Sade, Fuseli was the greatest pornographer of the 18th centur!

Doesn't he know that?

- Well, he's more of an inner-s. Pornography's a closed door to .

I don't see the point in peeking through the keyhole.

It's just a bare room.

What you see is dull and obviou.

It's all sex, but with all the n and intensity locked out.

This is not pornography.

A man's whole being went into t. No two hairs are the same.

No two skins have the same text.

He never uses the same light, c, shadow, gesture, movement.

Instead of locking out our senses, he draws them in.

Warmth, touch, emotion, passion.

Look at Fuseli.

Door's open.

- Can you sell them?

- A young woman arrives on my dp with an armful of priceless ero.

Course I can sell 'em, when I get over the shock.

- How long will that take?

- Ooh, a couple of days on Valiums and I'll get back to yo.

I take it you're not the owner?

- What?

- Who are you working for?

- Oh.

I, um.

I can't say.

- I don't blame you.

If I was them, I wouldn't want to shout about it either.

- If I need to get in touch wit, where will I phone you?

- I'll phone you.

(bell ringing) (pensive music) - No car.

- How did you get here?

- On the train.

- At least you had something to.

(pupils chattering) (pupils cheering) Where the hell has Vicky got to?

- She's just popped to the refreshment tent.

- This is the refreshment tent!

- This is the third form arts a.

- They've got Pimm's.

- Why else would anyone come to third form arts and crafts?

- Excuse me!

Excuse me.

You're obscuring Lavinia's stil.

- Oh!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, girls.

- That's my painting.

- Oh, is it?

It's charming.

Del.

Well done, Lavinia.

- Thank you.

- You total creep.

I bet you were head girl in your day, weren't you?

- Of course.

- - [Girl] Mum!

- Darling!

Where are we going?

- Refreshment tent.

- Sweetheart, I've just been to the refreshment tent!

You stranded me there with Mrs. Harrington-Morse half an hour ago.

- I thought you wanted to meet !

- I wanted to meet him.

He's an important client.

I don't understand it.

The man manufactures sofabeds, why did he have to marry one?

- Mum!

- Well, it's your holiday.

But all the champagne and jacuzzis in the world wouldn't entice me into Homestead Mansions.

- Mum, there's something I haven't told you.

- Dad's here.

- Darling, why didn't you tell ?

What a lovely surprise!

- Well, I wouldn't bank on it.

He's brought someone with him because he didn't expect you to be here either.

- Clearly!

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

Is she embarrassingly young?

- See for yourself.

- [Susan] Lovejoy!

- Susie!

You look wonderful.

What are you doing here?

- I was Vicky's surprise.

- I must be yours.

- Jane, Susan, my mother.

Mum, Lady Jane Felsham.

Lovejoy's... - Landlady.

- I don't believe it.

- I beg your pardon?

- Mr. Harrington-Morse!

We meet again.

How nice.

- As I was saying, I want to get into your bedroom, Susan.

I want to get into everybody's m and replace that six-foot-by-fot piece of clutter with a Homeste.

"Pull me up a put-you-up and pi" Our slogan.

What do you think?

- Mr. Harrington-Morse is chiefe of Homestead, the sofabed compa.

Mr. And Mrs. Harrington-Morse, this is Lovejoy.

- Mr. Lovejoy.

- My husband.

Ex-husband.

And Lady Jane Felsham, Lovejoy'- - How do you do Lady Jane?

- Landlady.

- What do you do, Lovejoy?

- Six months in the nick as a r. - Really?

What do you sleep on?

- [Woman] Pass me some lemon, please, Sonia.

- [Girl] There you go.

- Now I definitely need a Pimm'.

With a man like that you don't need a bed to fall asleep on, you're nodding off after the first sentence!

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Thank you.

- What on earth made you say that about prison?

- It's true, isn't it?

- Well, of course it's true.

If it wasn't true, I wouldn't want you to lie about it.

Don't they teach you anything at this school?

- Enough.

- Uh, a Pimm's, please.

Lovely, thank you.

(pop music) - Ah!

- Ah!

- Victoria's parents.

How nice to meet you both, toge.

I've been meaning to speak to y.

There seems to be a mix-up over this term's school fees.

Your husband must have overlookd the payment, Mrs. Lovejoy.

- This isn't Mrs. Lovejoy.

- Indeed?

- Indeed.

Jane, Ms Hemmingway.

Ms Hemmingway, my landlady, Lad.

- Oh, Lady Felsham.

It's so good of you to take an interest in Vicky.

A nice child.

Despite all the difficulties.

What line of business are you pursuing now, Mr. Lovejoy?

- The same.

- I see.

- Lovejoy and I work together.

- Oh!

Are you in antiques, Lady Felsh?

I've been looking for someone reliable for the library.

We're refurbishing.

We have one or two fine collect.

The insurance company insists on a valuation.

I couldn't be an awful bore and trouble you for an opinion,?

- Well, one of us really ought to wait here for Susan and Vicky, but I'm sure Lovejoy would be delighted to give you a view.

- Oh.

- Books, more his area.

- Oh.

Well.

Very well.

Come along, Mr. Love.

- What are you doing?

- This is a golden opportunity to change her impression of you.

- [Ms Hemingway] If you please, Mr. Lovejoy.

- [Lovejoy] You're ruining thes.

- I beg your pardon?

- A fine collection of Victoriay displayed on these.

- These walnut cabinets?

- Yes, but open to the air, hum, constant temperature changes, varnish taint.

- I see.

And you would recommen?

- Modern, hermetically-sealed shelving units.

- Rather expensive, I fear.

- Yes, but as a parent and for , I could always arrange a part e. - Yes, I'm sure you always could, Mr. Lovejoy.

But no.

Perhaps it's silly of me, but Iy can't imagine the library witho.

After all, they have been here .

Now, as to the fees, school ends on Thursday, and I shall expect full payment.

(door opens) Khadija!

What are you doing in ?

The Mistresses' Library is strictly out of bounds to gi.

- I...

I was looking for the railway t. When I couldn't find them- - You're boarding here during the holidays, why would you want a timetable?

- Train spotting.

- Don't be impertinent, Khadija.

How did you get in?

- The door was unlocked... - Nonsense.

That door is never .

The contents are irreplaceable.

Khadija, you will report to my study immediately.

(door locks) You must excuse me, Mr. Lovejoy.

(pensive music) - Go on, Mummy.

I've made loads.

- Lovely, darling.

- Ooh, Lavinia.

Oh, Vicky!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ladies.

Jane, excuse me.

Vicky.

Do you know a girl called Khadi?

- Oh, yeah!

You know Richie Subhani, the newspaper proprietor?

She's his daughter.

- Rich, eh?

- Oh, stinking!

Mum.

Father claims to be a devout Mu.

All his daughters come here.

Unlike you, he recognizes a goog medieval torture chamber when h. Do you take sugar?

- No, no I don't.

Yeah.

What do you make of her?

- Well, the typical "Ms milk monitor" type.

- Straight and narrow, eh?

- Oh, sticks to it like supergl.

Aisha, that's her older sister, used to be pretty wild, but she's left now.

Gone to Fairfax College in Camb.

Why did you wanna know anyway?

- Well, Ms Hemmingway and I just bumped into her coming out of the Mistresses' L. - What Khadija?

- Yeah, Khadija.

- Look, Mum, he's eating one.

G!

(Lovejoy exclaims indistinctly) Go on!

- So what did Picasso use?

- After his Blue Period, he tended to favor black.

- Ah!

Braque, now I've heard of.

- No, black!

Braque turned to red, that's why they fell out.

- Ah.

And Cezanne tended to use more traditional materials.

- Pastel colors and a felt tip.

Mostly green.

- Oh, I don't know about green.

It's a bit military.

- No, I think I'll stick to the.

- You're sure?

- Yeah.

If it's good enough for, it's good enough for me.

- One felt tip, in black.

Yes!

(laughs) Cezanne, eh?

'Cause I'm a bit of an impressionist myself, you know.

Chuck Berry.

(laughs) Chuck.

Yeah, well, I'll take some of th while I'm here as well.

(Clears) - Right.

Till Thursday, then.

- Thursday?

- I've arranged to meet Mr. And Mrs. Sofabed.

- Ugh.

- So that we can see Vicky off on her holiday.

(car engine starts) Don't worry.

I'll treat you to a light supper afterwards.

We really ought to get together more often.

- Oh, Susan.

- Lovejoy.

Thursday.

I'll pick you up.

- [PA Announcement] Will the parent who has parked the Range Rover with the horse box at the front gate, blocking it, please move it imm.

- Where's the money?

- I'm trying to get it!

I think I've found a way!

Taking our time, aren't we love?

Perhaps we'd better go and see Daddy after all.

- No, you mustn't!

I'll get it,.

- I don't take promises.

- Just a few more days.

(engine starts) - Two more days, then it's bye-.

- Bye-bye.

Who's Bobby?

You in some sort of trouble?

- Khadija Subhani, I told you tt to my study immediately.

- I've got to go.

- This is disgusting.

And she looked like such a nice.

- Don't be so ready to condemn,.

She's not the kind of girl who owns pornography.

- Isn't she?

- [Lovejoy] Nah, she steals it.

(surprised music) Agh!

Why don't you learn to dri?

- Well, at least it goes.

- Just wait here a moment if you wouldn't mind.

(Lovejoy sighs) Please go in.

- I'm intrigued.

Tell me, Mr. Lovejoy.

What made you think of me?

- Instinct.

Pure antiquarian in.

- I see.

Your instinct...

Your instinct told you this was a school possession.

- A rare and valuable one.

- What kind of parent imagines his daughter's exclusive public school collects pornography?

As for your instincts, I think the least said about them the better.

- You mean the Fuselis don't belong to Badenside?

- Certainly not.

And if that disappoints you, pes Vicky would be happier at a com.

Good day, Mr. Lovejoy.

(car horn hoots) (tires screech) - Naughty.

- That's what Ms Hemmingway sai.

- (laughs) I'm not surprised.

Fuseli has a very elongated sty.

- Do you think so?

I always admired his realism.

- Realism?

But, no two human beings can do.

At least, not to each other.

Don't even think it.

What are you going to do with t?

- I'm gonna find out where they.

Well, the girl obviously didn't steal them from the school.

Maybe they're a family heirloom.

(Jane sighs) Cor!

Dear me!

- Can I come in, Khadija?

Oh, t. Is that what you're wearing to the wedding?

- No!

Oh, um, perhaps to the receptio.

- You know, it seems only yestey that your sister was here.

This was Aisha's study as well.

Now she's getting married.

To a Khan, no less.

Your father must be thrilled.

- Yes.

The Khans are a very important Muslim family.

- If there's anything you need, your father's made ample arrang.

We could go shopping.

If you need money... - No, I don't.

I thought that was why you'd stolen the Fuselis.

- No.

I didn't take the Fuselis because I needed money, I told you.

I wasn't going to sell them.

I don't need money.

- Well, you must have had a rea.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Because you were so beastly t. - Khadija, is everything all ri?

- Yes.

- I know you're very close to y. Oh, I understand.

You feel left.

People do get married, you know.

You'll find that out for yourself sooner or later.

It doesn't mean that people fort about their friends and their family, it just means- - You never liked Aisha, did yo?

- Well, of course I did.

She wa.

But she caused us a lot of anxiety running away like that.

Disappearing for a whole week for no good reason.

- It was for a reason.

But it was her business, not yo.

- Aisha was still a pupil, a pupil at my school.

That makes it my business and my responsibility.

As for the Fuselis, you're very lucky, Khadija.

As it happens, I don't want it made public.

I can't afford a scandal in my .

So I've given them away.

As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of the matter.

A?

- Hello, Lovejoy!

Not your usual line.

- No, I'm looking after them for a schoolgirl.

- Oh, I understand.

No names, no pack drill.

We'd better go through to the b.

Tidy, very, very tidy, Lovejoy.

The only thing I ask is, please, don't tell me where you got the.

- I already have.

I wanna know where my client got them.

- Yes, you can't be too careful?

I don't know, though.

It's very difficult to provenan.

There's only one or two specialists, you see.

- So who do they belong to?

- If I knew that man, I'd have nicked them myself.

How much do you want?

- I don't want to sell them, I wanna know where they came fr.

- Well, a big collector.

That's for certain.

Not one of mine, though.

You could try the Shevandin col. - Shevandin?

That's tourist junk, isn't it?

- It happens to be our annual d. You can leave this with me, if .

(laughs) You don't want to be ct carrying around dodgy stuff, no?

- If there's a reward, Taffy, I'll need it myself.

- You're not paying rent at las?

- No.

School fees.

(Taffy sighs) (wind howling) (bell rings) Ah!

The train spotter.

- I've brought some more prints.

- [Lovejoy] Timetables?

- No.

Fragonard, Daumier, Gericault and Raimondi.

- Do you know my daughter, Vick?

- Not very well.

She's a year b.

- Yeah, at least.

- Is this more porn?

- Haven't you heard of Fragonar?

- He went to a comprehensive.

- Oh.

- Where did you get these from?

You steal them from your father?

- God, no.

And I'm not a criminal if that's what you think.

- Oh, no.

You're just a run-of-the-mill sixth former.

Latin, French and a hundred grah of antique erotica.

- I'm not a little girl, either.

Don't patronize me.

We must have a deal.

I don't know where else to go.

I need a quick sale.

- How did you get here?

- I came by train.

- For such a train enthusiast, you don't know much about the Eastern Region do you?

(sheep bleating) We're a bit isolated here.

There's only two trains a day.

One at 7:30 to bring the station master to work, and one at five o'clock to take.

Baaaaaaa!

Oh, nice books.

Where do you st?

- You!

You stupid little cow.

You said you'd found a buyer!

- He is.

He's an antiques deale.

He's been in prison.

- Get in the car.

- No, wait.

- I don't like bullies.

- My dear chap.

I'm an old friend of the family.

- Ooh!

(dramatic music) (tires screeching) - What happened?

(car hooting) What's going on?

- Who was that maniac?

- Get in.

- What's going on?

- Just get in, Eric.

- [Eric] He almost killed me!

- That would be some compensati!

- [Susan] Ms Hemmingway phoned from Badenside.

Honestly, Lovejoy, I can undersu trying to strip the shelves from her library.

I can even understand the schoos being six months in arrears.

What on earth possessed you to offer the woman pornography?

- Well, Susan, there was this s- - I've never been so embarrasse.

She said perhaps you were confused over methods of paymen.

They take cash, checks, standin, banker's drafts and covenants.

What they do not accept is 18th century porn on account.

Where are we going?

- [Lovejoy] To London.

If that maniac wants to sell th, that's where he's got to go.

- [Susan] What books?

- [Eric] The 18th century porn.

- [Susan] Uh!

Slow down, Lovejo!

You'll have us all in the ditch!

You're really a liability.

- Eric, get us a taxi.

- But, this is the auction room.

- Do you wanna walk home, Eric?

Get us a taxi!

- But we're supposed to be sayig goodbye to Vicky for the holida.

I've arranged to meet the Harrington-Morses at the Savoy for tea!

- Can't make it Susan.

I've got to find Khadija.

I'm sorry.

It's very important.

- But so is Vicky.

- Here's our taxi.

- Your taxi.

- My taxi?

- Your taxi.

I need the car Sus.

Eric, these are the auction roo.

Get out of the cab.

- Hey?

- Out!

- Savoy Hotel, sir?

- Lovejoy, that's not for two h!

I've got to get my hair done.

Although I'll go back to the of.

Not the Savoy, Berwick Street.

Harrington-Morse is one of my biggest clients!

Oh, my God!

The market research.

Fetters Lane!

Lovejoy, if my car isn't at the Savoy by 3 PM, I'll kill you!

And if you're not there, I'll never speak to you again.

And another thing!

(indistinct) - What made you get married, Lo?

- I talked her into it.

- What about the car?

It's on a yellow line.

- Well, you deal with it!

(Eric sighs) (lighthearted music) - Lot number 66.

Victorian, "One Upturned Lady Having Fallen Off Bike".

Artist unknown, but a fine piece of craftsmanship.

What am I bid?

Who'll start me on 100 pounds?

Do I hear 120?

- Hello, Sam.

Seen any Fuseli, Fragonard, Daumier, Gericault?

- No, I haven't.

Are you sure you're interested,?

Rather beyond your pocket I would have thought.

- I'm not buying, Sam.

I'm retr.

- Ah!

Cheaper.

Far more difficult.

This is a somewhat secretive ma.

- Who are the major collectors?

- Dear boy, were I able to name, I would have retired on the wages of extortion.

Sensitive, you see.

Dirty books.

- Who's selling, Sam?

- There is a frisson in the tra.

Certain wealthy parties wait with bated breath.

Not, sadly, that they are of my personal acquaintance, this job doesn't pay tremendous.

Please.

- Shh.

- Have some respect for the confidentiality of the saleroom.

- [Auctioneer] 1900.

1900, thank you.

- Welshman with a gun shop.

- Taffy Griffiths.

- [Auctioneer] 2,000.

Do I hear?

I'm selling at 2,000.

- This morning he was talking about a collection.

A tidy one, by all accounts.

- Oh.

- Lot number 68, "My Adonis".

Do I hear 50 pounds?

- Good heavens.

- Cor, look at that.

- Thank you.

Do I hear 55?

I'm selling.

Going once, going .

(gavel bangs) Sold for 50 pounds to the gentleman in the beret.

- Oh, Eric, what have you done?

(tense music) (lighthearted music) Give me the keys, Eric.

- I mean, what am I gonna do wi?

- I dunno.

You bought it, you must've liked it.

- Well, I'll never be able to shift it round our way.

I mean, it's disgusting.

What's up?

(door opens) - [Lovejoy] You're closing for lunch, Taffy.

- Excuse me, please.

Just one m. What the bloody hell is this?

- This morning I was relieved of a very fine collection of antique erotica.

- Lovejoy- - And this afternoon you are flooding the market.

- Please!

- What the hell's going on, Taf?

- Lovejoy, I'm an honest trader.

Do you think I'd be stupid enouh to mess around with stolen goods if I knew?

- Well, what do you expect, a thief-by date?

- Look, if I'd known they were your stolen goods, believe me, man, if I'd known tt I'd have been on the phone like.

- Taffy, Taffy, Taffy, Taffy.

When it comes to sourcing pictu, you know who wants 'em, who's gm and who'll drive the getaway ca.

- Look, I swear to you, man, I'm as embarrassed as you are.

I didn't even know they existed.

- Taffy.

- Look, I can prove it you.

Garner, his name was, right, the man who brought the stuff i. I've put him onto a buyer.

I know where they're going to be meeting this afternoon.

- Good.

(whip thwacks) (man grunts) - Stay there till I come back.

- I never had a headmistress li.

- No, she is rather special, is?

Mind you, I prefer Ms Hemmingwa.

She's the real thing, and she ls as if she could be really stric.

- Yes, well.

- Pure fantasy, dear chap.

Still, it's my daughter's school, and she has asked me to become a parent governor, so you never know.

- Good Lord.

- Up there a couple of days ago.

Breathtaking.

- Small world.

- Pardon?

- Have you, erm, made up your m?

- Not sure.

A bit fussy, aren't?

- Fussy?

- Yeah, arty, can't see what's .

- I thought you were a collecto.

- 5,000.

- They're worth six times that .

- Of course, I'll need proof of.

- 5,000.

(woman sighs contentedly) - [Eric] Well, that's Garner's .

But it doesn't look like the kie you'd bring a load of hooky por.

Looks like my mum's.

- It's suburbia, Eric.

It's the same everywhere.

Number 15's wife-swapped with n, number 8's chopped up his dogs, got 'em in the freezer, and number 29 here, he's got an amphetamine laboratory in his garage.

- Oh, get off.

I mean, look at that bloke, he's just an accountant or something going home for his.

Probably doesn't even have a do.

(doorbell rings) Look!

- Eric!

(engine starts) (tires screech) "Pick me up a put-you-up"!

- Eh?

- Pillow talk.

(suspenseful music) (tires screech) Khadija!

Eric, no!

The girl!

Get the gir!

(both laugh) - I once had a crush on Bros. - Oh, you're joking.

- I did.

Must've lasted a whole month.

- Oh, I don't believe it.

How c?

- I don't know.

- I was into The Cult myself.

- They're great, aren't they?

My mum wouldn't let me have my ears pierced, though.

- Why not?

- I don't know.

- My mum's got her ears pierced.

- Has she?

- Is she into The Cult?

- No.

She's more a Motorhead fr.

(both laugh) (sighs) More champagne?

- You sure?

- Yes.

Mum won't bother us.

She's got a Volvo full of jumbl, and she's going round all the hs for some poor unsuspecting caus.

And Dad takes hours and hours when he's on business.

Oops.

(laughs) - So.

What are the sights?

- Well, this is the garden.

- Yes.

- And that's the gardener.

- Ooh.

- Who stole the books, Khadija?

Was it you or Garner?

Where did they come from?

What do you need the money for?

- That's my business.

Where are we going?

You're gonna have to tell somebody something sooner or lar because you're making a pig's ear of this on your own.

- Why don't you leave me alone?

- Because I've done two rounds with a car door and a suitcase for you and because you might look like an innocent schoolgirl but you'r and a tout for a petty crook.

- He's not a crook.

He's a chemist.

- I see.

Thank you, Matron.

You're going to have to come back later, Charlotte.

I'm just going to Khadija's roo.

If there are any calls, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

(Charlotte speaks indistinctly) Lovejoy?

(pop music on stereo) - Oh, hi, Dad.

You're late for the Savoy.

Mum was furious.

- So was mine.

She thought you- - Sorry about this, Vicky.

- How embarrassing.

- Holidays are over, you're coming home with me.

- Mr. Lovejoy, what is the meaning of this?

- I'm taking my daughter out of this house Mrs. Harringt.

I only wish you could do the sa.

- Really?

Well, if I'd known you were sucg I would never have let your daur in my house in the first place.

I can see where she gets her sense of discipline from.

- Well, you should see where your husband gets his.

Move over.

Get in.

- Khadija.

What are you up to?

- I'm collecting schoolgirls.

If I carry on like this, I'll be able to open my own col. - Does Mum know you've still go?

- [Ms Hemmingway] That was it.

Could you stop?

Could you just stop here?

Please, please, please.

- Course, it's not the original.

That's in the British Museum.

- Yes, I heard they were building an extension.

(chuckle) - (gasps) Vicky!

It's Ms Hemmingway!

(doorbell rings) - Mr. Lovejoy.

(hammer tapping) Mr. Lovejoy?

Mr... What have you done with Khadija?

- Isn't she supposed to be in y?

- You won't deny you've seen he?

- No.

- Victoria tells me you claim a passion for antiques.

Let me tell you my passion.

My passion is Badenside school.

I would do anything to protect .

That girl was placed in my trus.

She's Richie Subhani's daughter, for goodness' sake.

- The newspaper owner, I know.

- Her sister, Aisha, is about to marry Bobby Khan.

Richie Subhani craves the Khans' acceptance.

This is a dynastic marriage, Mr. - Why did you lie to me about t?

It's yours, isn't it?

Yes, you knew that Khadija had , but why didn't you do something about it then?

- Of course the Fuselis were ou.

- Ah.

- Badenside was founded by Victorian England's foremost collector of pornographic literature.

I wasn't about to advertise the.

Especially to a rag-and-bone ma.

- Ms Hemmingway, those books you're so ashamed of represent some of the great work of their time.

Those pictures have a power, a beauty and integrity that would grace a cathedral, let alone a school.

Now, I'm not in the dirty mac b, but I'd rather have a dirty mac round my shoulders than a plastic one around my mi.

- I don't care about the books, I care about Khadija.

I will not have a scandal!

- You'd better see her, then.

- She's here?

- Little late to read the riot .

- Where's Khadija?

- She's gone, she's taken Susan.

- Mr. Lovejoy, if Khadija and ts aren't returned to the school this afternoon I'm going to the police.

And in any case, Victoria is expelled as of now.

Excuse me.

- How could you let her take Su?

- I found Garner.

- Oh, Dad!

You're so wonderful!

Even Celia Finnigan couldn't get herself expelled.

- Look.

(suspenseful music) This is great training, this is.

The fine art of breaking and en.

We could get two years for this.

- [Lovejoy] Just shut up, Eric.

Get off my foot and give me tha.

- What if he's waiting for us?

He might be waiting for us with.

Or a bucket of ammonia for our .

He's a chemist, he'll have lots of ammonia, and sulfuric acid.

- Turn that light on, Eric.

- Oh.

That mad old bag.

If she'd told us the books belonged to the school, we could've told her who had them days ago.

(object clangs) (cat yowling) We don't even know the books ar.

They could be anywhere.

Take hours to search this place.

And at any moment he could walk through that door with a shotgun, a bucket of ammonia, the police.

(gasps) (tense music) What the hell are you doing?

That's radioactive.

- Eric, this is a small-town chemist, not Three Mile Island.

Come on.

- But what about the books?

- [Lovejoy] What books?

- Lovejoy?

(objects crashing) - Janey.

- Yeah?

- How would you like buy an enormous collection of stolen pornography?

- Why don't you ask Vicky?

I'm sure she'd welcome the oppoy to enhance the reputation of th.

- (chuckles) It's her reputation I'm trying to salvage.

If I can get the books back to , then maybe I can bring Ms Hemmingway around.

- Without Khadija?

- Oh, she's next.

Look, we know Garner's got the , we know he wants to sell 'em, we've got to buy them, Janey.

- How do you suggest we advertise?

In the Times?

Lady Jane Felsham is at home to.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You can call this fence.

Mr. Taffy Griffiths.

- You know, Melissa's never gonna forgive me for this.

She's missing out on all the fu.

We've been at that school for, what is it now, five years, and the most exciting thing that has ever happened was when Celia Finnigan punched the games mistress on the nose.

Oh, and Khadija's sister's going on the pill.

Now Khadija's running a porn racket and I've been expelled.

I mean it's terrific!

- Oh, yeah, terrific.

But Lovejoy's not gonna like it?

He's a great believer in educat.

That's why I'm with him, you kn.

- No, I quite like it round her.

I suppose I could go to school n and live with Mum, or I could live up here with Dad.

Only, what school would I go to?

- Well, there's Clarke's Colleg, that's a very good school.

You don't go to polytechnic fro, you go to Bristol or Oxford.

Strict discipline, you see.

- I see.

Where did you go?

- Well, I went to St. John's.

It was very rough.

Teachers don't have any control, kids just mess about all the ti.

And they're frightening, some of those lads.

Even today, I won't go near the.

Big, mean blokes they are.

- It's mixed?

- I should say so.

- Suits me fine.

- Cripes, is that the time?

Listen, I've got to go and get .

- Yes, yes, yes, of course, I u.

Now then, your husband's birthday, you said.

Man of the world, is he?

Oh, he's an aristocrat, then?

Well, we'll be looking for someg pretty saucy, then, won't we?

A Daumier or a Fuseli or a Raimondi, perhaps.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, top of the range of course.

Pricey, you understand, but the) if he just wanted Playmate you could just pop down the local paper shop, coul?

- Now, listen to me.

This is an obscene phone call I'm paying for, Lovejoy.

I'll kill you.

No, no, I was talking to the do.

- Tell him you want the complet.

- Yes, I would like the complet.

- Yes, yes, of course, I unders.

I apologize.

The complete works.

- Er, 10 o'clock tomorrow be al?

- [Jane] Yes, that's fine.

- Just one more thing... (Taffy talking indistinctly) - No, I think not.

- What was that?

- He said since he was dealing with aristocracy, would it be appropriate to print "by appointment" on his letterh?

(Lovejoy laughs) - Lovejoy.

- Hello, Susan.

- You owe me an explanation.

- I know.

Er, what was the question?

- Where's my bloody car?

- Ah, now, that I don't know.

- Words fail me.

- Do they?

- On parents' day, you tried tol the school bookshelves, and then you offer the headmistress pornography.

Next, you stand us up at the Savoy for some smutty auction.

I thought that was as low as you could sink, but Mrs. Harrington-Morse phoned yesterday.

You stormed into her house, raving like a madman, insulted her husband, and then d to kidnap your own daughter in .

Do you know, I've just driven 50 miles in a taxi.

Apart from ruining Vicky's holiday, how do you suppose she's going to live this down at school?

- Oh, she won't have to, she's been (mumbles).

- What?

- She's been expelled.

- Well, I want a divorce!

- You got one.

- Again!

Vicky?

- Oh.

Right, that's it, I've had enou.

Right, come on.

- We've decided Dad's gonna bri.

- I wouldn't trust your father to bring up his lunch.

- Oh, God.

Everyone back on the.

- There you go, then, ma'am, you won't see better than that.

Not in a month in Bangkok.

Gift of a lifetime, that is.

Take your pick.

- Quite.

But I am only interestd in complete collections.

- Oh, do, do.

All I ever get for my birthday is socks and underpants.

I wish my wife was as broad-minded as you are.

(Jane clears throat) - Well, I think your wife- - Eric.

- A teenage girl should be with her mother.

- Shut up, Eric.

- Lady Jane, I have received a number of offers for single p. You understand that were I to de of the whole collection, I would of course have to take this into account.

- Of course.

You have brought the entire collection?

- Lock, stock and barrel.

Twenty grand.

Cash.

- That's a lot to pay for stole, isn't it, Mr. Griffiths?

- Especially someone else's stolen goods, Taffy.

- Lovejoy!

- Ooh!

(dramatic music) - Eric!

Eric, not after them!

No, no, come on.

Take all this stuff back to Bad.

Car keys!

- They're in the car.

(motorbike revving) I think it's safe to say we've .

- I don't want him, we're going after the girl.

- Do you know where she is?

- First time I saw Garner, he was talking about someone ca.

I've just found out who Bobby i, he's only interested in Khadija because of her big sister.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Oh, my God.

(Eric knocking) (Charlotte screams) - Oh, my goodness, you gave me .

What are you doing here?

- I'm here to see the headmistr.

- Name?

- Er, Ms Hemmingway.

- No, no, no, no.

Your name.

- Oh.

Ha.

Eric.

Eric Catchpole.

- You're not on my list.

What's it in connection with?

- Well, I'm delivering some boo.

- Ah, Civis Romanus.

I shall have to count them.

(Charlotte shrieks) Filth!

(alarm wailing) - What on earth is going on?

- Well, don't ask me, I'm just delivering the books.

- There's one missing.

Where's ?

- Well, I don't know.

(bicycle hooter toots) (car horn blares) - Susan's car.

(Lovejoy humming) (clock chiming) Going to the library?

- Oh, please, leave me alone.

- That man's a crook, Khadija, even if he got the money.

- What?

Didn't he get his money?

- No, he didn't.

It won't work,.

- [Boy] Geronimo!

- Even if you paid Garner off, he'd be back once the money ran.

It's not pretty, blackmail, is ?

- How do you know Charles Garne?

- Garner did a pregnancy test for you two years ago.

Positive, wasn't it?

- Oh, you got them.

You got the!

- Oh, really!

(suspenseful music) (door closing) (footsteps tapping) - Khadija, Aisha.

- I'm sorry.

- Khadija was only trying to he.

I'm in desperate trouble.

- What sort of trouble?

- When I was at Badenside I thought I was pregnant.

I couldn't go to the school doc, so I went to a local chemist fo.

- A chemist!

- I didn't have anywhere else to go, did I?

The test was positive, so I had an abortion.

It was horrible.

- But then she met Bobby Khan.

- And I fell in love with him.

But the chemist read about us in the papers.

He said he knew the Khans wouldn't let me marry Bobby if they were shown proof that I wasn't a virgin.

Garner tried to sell me the pregnancy test results, but he said they'd be very expe.

- And then when Garner found out that Khadija was stealing expensive prints to pay him off, he tried to cut out the middle .

- My poor child.

Why on earth didn't you come to me?

- Why?

You wouldn't let Aisha take the pill in the first place.

It's your fault she got pregnan.

- As a chemist, I would suggest that was a biological impossibi.

Please, no more violence.

He's already fractured my skull.

Madam, it appears your pupils he understanding of the rudiments of blackmail.

Allow me to enlighten you all.

Unless somebody gives me my money immediately, I'm going to take Aisha's medics to her prospective hus- - Oh!

You mean these medical records.

(lighthearted music) - Yeah, well, there's nothing te going to Robert Khan anyway.

- Nothing at all, but it'd be yd against Ms Hemmingway's.

Aisha spent that entire week heg Ms Hemmingway catalog the schooy for the good of the school, didn't she, Ms Hemmingway?

- What week?

- Any week you care to claim ot.

- So she did.

- So, it's back to the cough drops, Garner.

You've got nothing to tell.

(girls cheering) - Oh, thank you, Lovejoy.

Thank you for everything.

- You have my thanks too.

And I shall look forward to seeing Vicky next term.

There's, er, just the question of the fees.

- Ah.

- But we can settle those when we get your bill.

Your bill for valuing and cataloging the books.

It'll have to be done before they're put on public display.

Not a cathedral, I think, nor a, but perhaps you can suggest a g. (suspenseful music) (cameras clicking) - Now, if you use this, it's gotta be cash, right?

- When I think of Vicky spendint in that man's house.

Still, Peter King phoned this m, full of effusive apologies.

Wanted to thank me for dissociating the agency from Homestead before the whist, so I must be forgiven.

He asked after you.

- He always was two-faced.

Still, he's in advertising.

- Oh, Lovejoy, let me help you with the school fees.

- Oh, there's no need to.

Ms Hemmingway, apart from taking young Victoria back, is also going to hire me.

- What?

- Yeah, you're going back.

Lovejoy's fixed it with your he.

- Well, say goodbye, Vicky.

- Goodbye, Eric.

You tell that double-crossing p, I'll never speak to him again.

- Well, I'll just have to say goodbye for you.

And we will have that lunch som.

- Bought you a present.

- Oh, Lovejoy.

- In the boot!

(motorcycle revving) - (shrieks) Lovejoy!

(upbeat music)