[music] -Growing up, my parents made sure my sister and I were prepared for anything, no matter how unlikely the scenario.

They decided to enroll me in swimming lessons at age five, in case of a typhoon.

We lived in the Chicago suburbs.

[music] It's been five years since we've been here together.

My mom and sister came to China to visit family, but I'm here to learn more about my younger cousin.

She was always prettier, smarter, more successful than me.

I can't stop thinking about her.

[music] [radio] ç an8Ñ-Grandma, what happens if I fall off the balcony?

ç an8Ñ-If you fall, you'll be gone.

We won't be able to find you.

ç an8ÑThis is your sister's.

ç an8Ñ-Do we need to keep the window open this wide?

ç an8Ñ-Leave it open.

ç an8ÑLet's cool off for a bit.

ç an8ÑI guess your grandpa likes to be more cautious.

ç an8ÑWe can close it more.

ç an8Ñ-Do we need to close this one too?

ç an8Ñ-This is good enough.

ç an8ÑYou don't need to close it.

ç an8ÑDon get the clothes dirty.

ç an8ÑLast winter this window blew open and froze.

ç an8ÑI couldn't close it no matter how hard I tried.

ç an8ÑWe had to hire someone.

ç an8ÑYour grandpa said we should wait until the ice melted.

ç an8ÑI put a lot of oil on it, but still could not close it.

ç an8ÑThe person we hired did this-- ç an8Ñthat person was so muscular, they didn't have a waist.

ç an8ÑI asked them to help me into the bathtub.

ç an8ÑThey asked me if I needed to be carried in.

ç an8ÑI said, "No."

ç an8ÑI just needed them to make sure I didn't fall.

ç an8ÑTheir job requires a lot of physical labor.

ç an8ÑWhen you get the time, can you wipe up this area?

ç an8ÑThere's no rush now.

ç an8ÑI just don want the clothes to get dirty.

ç an8ÑAi ya, this thing is so complicated.

ç an8ÑWe didn't have cameras growing up.

[music] -After I graduated college and moved back home, my parents sat my sister and I down at our dining room table.

"Remember your cousin?," they asked.

Of course, I remember the person I could never live up to.

"Remember your cousin?

She passed away three months ago."

Worried it would distract my senior year of college, my parents waited to tell me.

By then there was no funeral to attend, the mourning period had ended, and there was no trace of her left.

Of all the things my parents prepared me for, why didn't they teach me how to say goodbye?

[music] [radio] I asked my family to tell me more about my cousin, but no one wants to talk about her, especially not on camera.

There are other deaths that are easier to talk about.

We visit the cemetery where my dad's parents rest.

ç an8Ñ-Your son couldn't make it this time, ç an8Ñbut I've brought your granddaughters to Beijing to see you.

ç an8ÑWe wanted to visit you.

ç an8ÑI'm sorry we weren't by your side when you left this world.

ç an8ÑIn Chinese culture, we return to the land to rest.

ç an8ÑTheir ashes are connected to the land.

ç an8ÑThere's very limited burial plots.

ç an8ÑWe're lucky to have them resting here.

ç an8Ñ-Can we leave the peaches as an offering?

ç an8Ñ-No, we can't leave them here.

ç an8ÑWe have to take them with us.

ç an8Ñ-So we can eat the peaches?

ç an8Ñ-Yes.

ç an8ÑYou have to let go.

ç an8ÑYou have to fulfill your responsibility, ç an8Ñso you can move onto the next step, ç an8Ñand the step after that.

ç an8ÑYou have to learn to let go.

ç an8ÑYou have to let her go, so you can fulfill your responsibility.

ç an8ÑIf you don't, then you can't move on.

ç an8Ñ-What responsibility?

ç an8Ñ-The responsibility that every person has.

ç an8ÑAs a child, you have to take care of your parents.

[music] [sister giggling] ç an8Ñ-Why are you breathing so loudly?

ç an8ÑIt doesn't sound natural at all.

[sister pretend snoring] ç an8Ñ-You're snoring.

ç an8Ñ-Grandpa, this is how you snore.

ç an8ÑListen.

ç an8ÑNo, you sound like this.

[laughter] ç an8Ñ-Sometimes I'll snore when I sleep on my back, ç an8Ñbut I won't if I sleep on my side.

ç an8Ñ-No, you still snore when you sleep on your side.

ç an8Ñ-Are you done filming?

[music] ç an8Ñ-During the summer, ç an8ÑI saw kids diving into the lake.

ç an8ÑI wanted to learn.

ç an8ÑI climbed on the ladder by the lake.

ç an8ÑThen I put a float in the water to jump into, ç an8Ñbut I missed, and my feet got caught.

ç an8ÑMy head was stuck underwater.

ç an8ÑI just kept swallowing water.

ç an8ÑI thought, "This is it, I'm going to die."

ç an8ÑSuddenly, two big hands lifted me out of the water.

ç an8ÑI looked up, ç an8Ñand it was my dad.

-During the visit, some small disasters seemed to happen every day.

First, the AC broke in the middle of a heat wave.

Then, the washing machine exploded.

ç an8Ñ-I don't even want to look at myself anymore.

ç an8ÑI'm too ugly.

ç an8Ñ-You're over 90 years old.

ç an8Ñ-I need to cover my face with a mask.

ç an8Ñ-It's spicy.

ç an8Ñ-Huh?

ç an8Ñ-Your hands are spicy.

ç an8Ñ-My hands are spicy?

ç an8ÑI'm being very gentle on you.

ç an8ÑIt hurts because you're sick.

ç an8Ñ-No, there's ginger on your hands.

ç an8Ñ-I'm not using my nails, just my fingertips.

ç an8ÑYour mom is more gentle.

ç an8Ñ-Neither of you are gentle.

After we got sick, my grandpa decided we needed to cook everything we ate.

ç an8ÑWhy do we have to cook the watermelon?

ç an8Ñ-The watermelon is too cold for your stomach.

ç an8ÑIt'll be easier to digest when it's warm.

ç an8ÑI'll just heat it up a little bit.

-I was a great swimmer.

My dad always reminds me that one of my biggest accomplishments in life was when I came in second to last place at a triathlon.

As much as I love swimming, I'm still afraid of going to the bottom of the swimming pool.

I'm terrified that if I go too deep I won't make it back to the surface in time.

Being here with my grandparents feels the same way.

The more time we spend together, the more impossible it feels to leave them again.

[music] ç an8Ñ-Eat more, we also have pickled vegetables.

ç an8Ñ-This is enough food.

ç an8Ñ-Give her some, she's been sick all day.

ç an8Ñ-She can get it herself.

ç an8Ñ-Don't force her to eat.

ç an8ÑEat what makes you feel comfortable.

[music] ç an8Ñ[Grandpa] What?

ç an8Ñ-My sister said there might not be any tofu in college.

ç an8ÑI'm so sad.

ç an8Ñ-Oh, no, your immune system immediately weakens when you're sad.

ç an8ÑDon't be upset.

ç an8ÑAh, my ears.

ç an8ÑThere will be tofu in college.

ç an8ÑDon't be upset.

ç an8ÑThere will be tofu.

ç an8Ñ-If there actually is an emergency, ç an8Ñyou won't be able to come help.

ç an8ÑIf I'm in trouble, there's no one here.

ç an8ÑNow that we're older, we have more problems.

ç an8ÑWhat can we do?

ç an8ÑI guess we deserve it.

ç an8ÑNow we live alone and die alone.

ç an8ÑIt is what it is.

ç an8ÑMy mom used to say things I didn't understand.

ç an8ÑOnly when you experience it, will you understand.

[music] ç an8Ñ[Mama] Go back upstairs, Ma.

ç an8ÑYou don't need to go out in the rain.

ç an8Ñ[Grandma] It's only a few blocks away.

ç an8Ñ[Mama] A few blocks is too far.

ç an8Ñ[Grandma] I want to see what they have.

ç an8Ñ[Mama]You don't need to come.

ç an8Ñ[Grandma] Stop filming.

ç an8ÑAre you filming because I'll be gone the next time you come?

ç an8ÑStop filming.

ç an8ÑI'll be gone whether you film me or not.

ç an8Ñ-[Mama] The person my grandpa loved the most ç an8Ñwas my mama.

ç an8ÑHe loved to spoil her.

ç an8ÑHe would even let her ç an8Ñsit on his shoulders and play with his hair.

ç an8ÑHe lived to 92 years old.

ç an8ÑHe got a cold, ç an8Ñbut he didn't want to bother my mama.

ç an8ÑHe wouldn't let my grandma tell her.

ç an8ÑMy mama never forgave herself.

ç an8ÑShe cried for an entire month.

ç an8ÑEven thinking about it hurts ç an8Ñbecause she wasn't with her dad during his final days.

ç an8Ñ[Sister] Why are you in a rush?

ç an8ÑSlow down, slow down.

ç an8ÑThere's no rush.

ç an8ÑWhy is grandma in such a rush?

ç an8Ñ[Sister] Are there cockroaches here?

ç an8Ñ[Mom] No.

ç an8Ñ-Mama, I don't know if I found any of the answers ç an8ÑI came here looking for.

ç an8Ñ-You are asking very challenging questions.

ç an8ÑYou might need more time, ç an8Ñor you might be searching for an entire lifetime.

ç an8ÑI think if you learned anything on this trip, ç an8Ñyou should feel satisfied.

ç an8ÑYou should understand things better now.

ç an8ÑYou should feel satisfied.

ç an8Ñ-How do you feel about this visit?

ç an8Ñ-I feel ç an8Ñmostly good.

ç an8ÑI'm thankful, but your grandparents mostly took care of us.

ç an8ÑWe took care of them less.

ç an8ÑThey spent a lot of energy on our visit.

ç an8ÑSometimes I feel like it's too hot to stand, ç an8Ñbut they have to do everything themselves.

ç an8ÑThey left us the air-conditioned room.

ç an8ÑOur life in America compared to here ç an8Ñis too comfortable.

ç an8ÑIt gives me a lot to think about.

ç an8ÑChina has changed so much from when I was a kid.

ç an8ÑTransportation is more accessible now.

ç an8ÑThis time we learned how to call a taxi ç an8Ñand how to use WeChat to pay.

ç an8ÑIt's been nice.

ç an8ÑMost importantly, my parents are doing well.

ç an8ÑIt makes me happy that we feel more at peace.

ç an8ÑYou asked a lot of questions, ç an8Ñand we had a lot of discussions.

ç an8ÑIt's a good thing, ç an8Ñbut you aren't acclimated to life here.

ç an8ÑYou both got sick.

ç an8ÑYou made us worry.

ç an8ÑWe're leaving tomorrow.

ç an8ÑYou arrived happy and should leave happy.

ç an8ÑIt's not easy to visit, but I think it was worth it.

ç an8Ñ-If we move away from you, ç an8Ñwould you be sad?

ç an8Ñ-I probably won't be too sad.

ç an8ÑRight now I'm not sad.

ç an8Ñ-What about in the future, when you're older?

ç an8ÑWhat if I don't live near you?

ç an8Ñ-If you don't live near me?

ç an8ÑWe are not there yet.

-Even though my cousin died in an accident, my mom questioned how she could leave her parents without saying goodbye.

I was furious when she told me, but I realize now that she's searching for her own answers.

How are parents supposed to survive without their children?

My mom can't teach me how to say goodbye, because no one ever taught her.

She doesn't know how to prevent her children from leaving, but she can teach us how to swim so we don't drown in a place that never floods.

I'll always have questions about my cousin.

When we leave, my grandparents will be alone again, in their Beijing apartment that my mom once called home.

Why do we keep leaving each other behind?

[music]