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- This is One-On-One.

- I'm an equal American just like you are.

- The way we change Presidents in this country is by voting.

- A quartet is already a jawn, it’s just The New Jawn.

- January 6th was not some sort of violent, crazy outlier.

- I don't care how good you are or how good you think you are, there is always something to learn.

- I mean what other country sends comedians over to embedded military to make them feel better.

- People call me 'cause they feel nobody's paying attention.

_ It’s not all about memorizing and getting information, it’s what you do with that information.

- (slowly) Start talking right now.

- That's a good question, high five.

(upbeat music) - Hi everyone.

Steve Adubato.

We kick off the program with a compelling important author.

She's Tamika Mallory, author of "I Lived to Tell the Story."

That's one book and the other book is "The State of Emergency: How We Win in the Country We Built."

Tamika, it's an honor to have you with us.

- Thank you so much, Steve.

I'm excited to be here with you.

- You got it.

The main message of this book is?

- My book is really a coming to age story, you know.

My first book was about my sort of theory of change, what I believe America needs to do to heal so many open wounds, but this particular book is about me, and why I am where I am, why I do what I do, and how I came to where I am today, which has been through trials and tribulations, but also through great victories.

- You're recognized by so many, and particularly in the community of activists who try to make a difference, particularly in the area of civil rights and liberties.

Yes, I was reading about you, not just the book, but reading about you, Tamika.

The murder of George Floyd on camera changed your life how?

- Well, I think it was the first time in my life where I chose to speak from my heart, and not from a prepared script.

Not so much that I had not been passionate in the past and that, you know, I had been scripted, so to speak, to where I was not free to speak my mind, but I was always very careful, and I had tried my best to be as politically correct, if you will, as possible, even in my outrage, but on this particular day, after watching George Floyd be killed, and more importantly after watching some of the media try to make him the cause of that moment, I lost sort of that sense of having to say the right thing, and trying not to get in trouble 'cause I'm always in trouble.

And I just went ahead and said what was in my heart.

Because I did that, it resonated with people all over the world, and my speech went so viral that people in Africa, people in Europe, people everywhere, when I travel they see me and they walk up to me and say, you know, we appreciate you for saying what we all feel, and what we were feeling, especially after watching George Floyd's life be taken from him in the way that it was.

- Your background, you said that this book, "I Lived to Tell the Story: A Memoir of Love, Legacy, and Resilience" there's so many parts of your life that are tragic, are powerful, are defining moments, including the murder of your son's father.

Talk about that.

- Yeah, you know, my son's father was killed a long time ago now.

My son is now 25 and his father was killed.

- You have a 25-year-old son?

- I do, and I have a two-year-old granddaughter.

And my son, his father, Jason, was killed when my son was two years old, so it's been 23 years.

It's been a long time of trying to navigate raising a young Black man in America alone.

There've been a lot of people to step in along the way.

Certainly my parents and my father, especially, taking on a father figure role for my son, but there's nothing like having your own parent there, and having his own father to be there as a part of his life.

And I tell you, when my son's father was first killed, I really didn't understand the seriousness of gun violence in America, you know.

I knew it existed, but it had not touched me, and impacted my life directly.

And once it did, I began to open my eyes to see that a young Black man being shot in America was just as American as apple pie, you know.

It happens often.

It actually is the number one reason why young Black men die across this country.

And I made a commitment to get involved, and to really do what I can to fight against this epidemic that is happening in our community, and to really look for ways to identify it as a public health crisis.

- We don't do politics per se.

We don't engage in who's ahead, and who won this election, and why do they win, and polls, but I'm more interested in people, and policy, and issues of social justice, but I am curious about this.

Why do you think more African-American men than ever before in American history voted for a Republican candidate for president, particularly Donald Trump?

What do you think the appeal is for those for whom he's appealing?

- Well, you know, first of all, I wanna make sure we put into context the numbers.

Still, Black men were the number two group of individuals to vote against Donald Trump and to vote for- - And Black women were first.

- Right, always, we lead.

And Black men are always right there with us.

And so I just wanna make sure that's stated because the media began to sort of paint this picture that Donald Trump had picked up some enormous amount of Black men and men from our community, and that just did not happen.

However, I think there is something to be said about the challenges that the Democratic Party has with being able to keep the attention of Black men, and to ensure that Black men feel included in the conversation.

Donald Trump, whether it was true or not, whether it was misinformation or not, and a lot of it was misinformation, they did attempt to reach some Black men.

They played on weaknesses that they could see from social media and from other places where they knew that Black men are disturbed with what is happening, or what is not happening with the Democratic Party.

And I think a lot of our brothers are looking for economic stability.

They are looking to really hold up their communities in a way that they should be able to do.

And so they're looking for other options.

And, you know, I think that that means for the Democratic Party, and for just people who are running for office candidates in general, that some of our men are up for grabs, and they're looking for real conversation around the stability of their communities, and of their particular, you know, their pockets.

And so I think that has a lot to do with it, but, again, Black men for the most part did not vote for Donald Trump.

- If you just joined us, we're talking to Tamika Mallory, the author of "I Lived to Tell the Story," and also her original book, "The State of Emergency: How We Win in the Country We Built."

And, also, one of the forewards is by Cardi B.

We've had Eddie Glaude from Princeton, a scholar, historian, one who understands issues of race from a historical perspective, many times.

Look on our website to check out those interviews with Professor Glaude.

From your perspective, Tamika, where do you believe race relations, particularly between Blacks and whites, it's more complicated as you bring in other folks, Hispanics, Asians.

- For sure.

- Where do you think Black-white race relations are in 2025?

- We still have deep challenges, and I think that the most recent presidential election has shown us, once again, that we are deeply divided.

And there's a lot of work to do for particularly the white community to look at itself, and address how we as Black people do not feel that we can trust and rely on folks from the white community to support us and to protect us.

And so I think that's important, but there are many white people who I meet every day across this country who are doing all that they can to try to stand with the most marginalized communities, and people who are unsafe, people who desire more opportunities.

And they are speaking out.

They are speaking up, and they are standing with our communities.

- Well, Tamika, lemme follow up on that.

You said, disappointed in the results, but, what about if a high percentage of people who happen to be white, male and female, voted for Donald Trump, and their vote was about economics, their sense of where they are, where they're not, where they wanna be, issues of immigration, other issues, the border, et cetera.

Why would that give you a sense that those folks would not care about the Black community?

- Well, we don't have the time today to sit and go through the litany of things that Donald Trump has done and said to harm Black communities.

And so while I understand that it is important to some, some of the individual things that we need, individualism is a huge problem in this country that exists within more communities than even just the white community, but, nonetheless, I hear you on the individual needs, but as a community in general, when you think about the racially charged violence, and at times very racist statements that Donald Trump has said, and the way in which his administration targeted Black people, you can't say you stand with us.

- You mean the last one.

- The last, exactly, his first administration.

- How much are you worried about this one?

- Well, I mean, look at his people.

We have, actually, people who are even worse than the first time who are going to be taking cabinet positions in his administration.

I'll just give you one example.

Just thinking about the Department of Justice, understanding the difference between William Barr, who at the time created a list that targeted people like me who are fighting for justice, and fighting for the civil rights of Black people.

And you compare it to what we just saw, which was Kristen Clarke and Garland, who had a different process for looking at civil injustice and the civil rights of American citizens.

There's a big difference in those two.

And, in fact, the other administration was hostile towards our community under William Barr.

And so if you support him, if you support Donald Trump, I have to question how you can say that you support our communities understanding that he wants to give police immunity on knowing what we have experienced.

You brought up George Floyd.

How can we allow someone like Derek Chauvin to have immunity from being able to choke, and kneel in the neck of a man like the way that he did, and what we all saw, what we witnessed.

So when we hear that, when we understand what Donald Trump stands for, if you stand with him, I cannot in any way accept you saying that you somehow care about, or stand with our community.

- I wanna thank you for joining us.

Tamika is the author of "I Lived to Tell the Story," and "The State of Emergency."

Thank you, Tamika.

- Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

- Appreciate you.

Stay with us, we'll be right back.

- [Narrator] To watch more One on One with Steve Adubato find us online and follow us on Social media.

- Folks, you ever have friends that have different political views than you, or family members, and you don't talk to them anymore?

The author we have on now will help us understand why that's not always the best strategy.

She is Alexandra Hudson, and she has written a compelling, important book, "The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves."

Alexandra, you are now gonna be called Lexi, because you told us we could do that, and I wanna make sure we can do that.

Lexi, how are you doing?

- I'm great.

Thanks for having me on, Steve.

- Okay, do this for us, define... We're literally doing this program a couple days before President Trump becomes President Trump, right, before the inauguration.

Define civility, and then I'm gonna ask you the difference between civility and politeness, which you know a little bit about for a reason I'll explain in a moment.

- Civility, Steve, is the art of human flourishing.

It is the bare minimum of respect that we are owed, and owe to others, by virtue of our shared personhood, our shared human dignity.

It's not just about how we treat those that we like, those that agree with us, those that can do things for us.

The test of true civility is what we owe and how we treat those who we may never see again, those that we disagree with, those who can do nothing for us in return.

And as you mentioned, civility is essentially more than mere politeness.

- Okay, so politeness.

Judith Martin is who, to you?

- So Judith Martin is a Washington Post columnist, and as I discovered while writing my book, she is one of four Judiths in the realm of etiquette who are experts on manners.

My mother is one of these Judiths, not Judith Martin, but my mother is called Judy, the Manners Lady.

She's an author, a speaker, - Judy, the Manners Lady.

Was she all about... - Yeah.

- Sorry for interrupting, we're talking about politeness and I interrupted you.

Was she all about politeness, Lexi?

- So my mother, she was about, she embodied true civility for me and my brothers, growing up.

She was unbelievably hospitable.

Our home, growing up, was a revolving door of newcomers to our community.

You know, we had home stays, we had... She would always go above and beyond to make the stranger a friend.

So she embodied the spirit of true civility and hospitality.

But she also instructed my brothers and I in the ways and means of politeness.

I remember, distinctly, growing up, and my mother teaching us, you know, how to shake hands, how to greet people, how to set the table just so, how to cut our food.

And Steve, this may or may not surprise you, I am constitutionally allergic to authority, I hate rules, I hate being told - I read that in the book.

- what to do, and so I always ask my mom, you know, why do we do things the way we do them?

Why do we even eat with forks at all?

Why do we even greet with handshakes when other cultures bow, or, you know, why do we do things the way we do them?

And, you know, she said, "This is just the way we do it," and that never satisfied me, so this book is a product of a lifetime of thought and meditation about the timeless principles of living well together, and our social norms, and their utility, to the extent that they help us do this thing called life together with others.

- Yeah, but Lexi, what's interesting to me is in the book, you not only distinguish between politeness and civility, but you also argue that there are some who are exceedingly polite, who are incredibly divisive and mean-spirited, and are able to do those things under the guise of politeness, and that civility is a much deeper...

It's not just a... You said politeness is a technique They're techniques.

Civility is more to the core of who we are.

Please, talk about that.

- Exactly right, there's this great line from Shakespeare's "Othello" where Iago, the villain of "Othello," says, you know, "One may smile, smile, and be a villain."

And so this gets to the core of what politeness versus civility is for me.

I learned this firsthand when I was in government.

As you mentioned, politeness is a technique, where civility is a disposition of the heart.

When I was in government, Steve, I saw these two extremes.

On one hand, there were people who were aggressive, and hostile, and belligerent, people who were willing to step over anyone to get ahead and get what they wanted.

I needed to stay away from those people.

There was this other contingent, they were polished, poised, and polite.

I thought they were my people, I was like, I can do business with these people, but I quickly learned that these were people who would smile at me one moment and stab me and others in the back the next.

They used their politeness, their pulley test, to disarm, to make us, to make me think that they were my friends, they had my best interest at heart, but the moment I no longer served their purposes, they cast me aside, and I realized that these two extremes, the extreme hostility and the extreme politeness, these are extremes that define, largely, our public life today, and they also have a lot more in common than many people realize.

It's easy to think they're polar opposites.

They're actually two sides of the same coin.

They both insufficiently appreciate the profound gift of being human, and they insufficiently appreciate the bare minimum of respect that we are owed and owe to others by virtue of our shared dignity.

They see others in terms of means to one's own selfish ends.

The hostile sees people as pawns to be steamrolled and silenced, and the polite contingent sees people as pawns to be manipulated and discarded, - But so... - but neither as human beings, first.

- I interrupted you again, I'm being rude, but hopefully, (Lexi laughs) still always civil.

So here's the elephant in the room, at least for me.

I couldn't care less what your politics is, you're watching right now on public broadcasting and other places, part of Donald Trump, President Donald Trump's appeal is that he is the antithesis of civility.

Please explain.

- It's a great point.

I think that the appeal of Donald Trump is people's dissatisfaction, actually, with our culture of suffocating politeness.

People are tired of being controlled, and tone-policed, and told what to think and what they can say, and they like the brashness, they like, you know, they don't- - Do they like the name-calling?

Lexi, do they like the name calling, the mocking, the making fun of people's physical appearance?

Do they...

So that's obviously not civil.

I don't care whether you voted for Trump, or Harris, or whomever, but that appealed to many people, and there's an impact to that lack of civility, whether you like Trump, President Trump, - Absolutely!

- or not, - Absolutely!

that has, because some of my friends will say this, who are very polite, but they will argue that our friendship is strained, our family relationships are strained, because if you don't agree with me, they will literally start calling names of those other people they disagree with, and then it's over, then you can't connect anymore.

I'm off my soapbox.

Go ahead, Lexi.

- No, it's great.

This is the core insight of my book, that, you know, today people think that the brashness, the aggression, the name-calling, the belligerence that, you know, the bullyish disposition or the conduct, they think that's the antidote to the suffocating tone-policing, and politically correct culture and politeness.

- Wokeness, - That's right.

So they go to this other extreme.

But the reality is that that extreme is just as dehumanizing.

It's failing to see the gift of being human and the other.

It's seeing them as, again, a pawn to be steamrolled and silenced into submission, bullied into submission, and I instead argue that we need civility, which is, again, the bare minimum of respect that we are owed and owe to others by virtue of our shared personhood.

It's not succumbing to these two extremes of suffocating politeness or the brazen, dehumanizing hostility.

It's saying, "I see you, Steve, as a human being, just like me, worthy of a bare minimum of respect."

Because I respect you, Steve, I'm gonna tell you when I think you're wrong, but I'm not going to, you know, engage in violence, which is dehumanizing, obviously, I'm not gonna engage in ad hominem attacks.

The means matter, the means and the terms of engagement matter when it comes to civility.

I can't instrumentalize you along the way (indistinct).

- January, January 6th and civility, and by the way, by the way, when we talk about January 6th, the people have different points of view on it, and they say, "Come on, stop.

It wasn't that big a deal and it was a," and then you say, "Well, oh, I disagree," and I wanna be very civil in the way we disagree, but you also realize the lunacy of such talk when there was an obvious effort to overthrow the government and stop the transition, the peaceful transition of power.

Well, let's just civilly disagree, right?

Lexi, can you really interact with folks who are saying, "Stop making a big deal about that," when people were killed, police officers were attacked, members of Congress were fighting for their lives, the vice president, Mike Pence, "Hang him."

Not very civil.

"Come on, we just disagree."

Lexi, how the heck does that conversation take place?

- Steve, there is no question that we live in uncivil times.

There's a reason I wrote my book right now, for this moment, but as I explore in my book, this is not a now problem, this is not an America problem, this is not a Donald Trump problem.

In fact, in original versions of my book, of my manuscript, I didn't mention Donald Trump at all because I didn't, - Really?

- I didn't want people to judge the book based on that.

That's how people are today.

They open it, they see what I say on that one thing, and they would've either embraced it or dismissed it based on that one, on that one aspect of the book, and I didn't want that.

I wanted to zoom out and give us a broader understanding of this topic.

This is actually a timeless question.

It has always been, it has always been uncivil times, and every culture tends to think that they are living through the most uncivil moment.

- Oh, Lexi, respectfully, I'm sorry for being rude and interrupting again, but you're saying you don't think it's worse than ever, as polarized as ever, as uncivil as ever?

Really?

- Much that is the same, much that is different, Steve.

I'm a student of history, I love to look at the wisdom of the past to help us lead better lives today, that's the ethos of my passion, of my work, and history is such a good ballast.

It gives us a grasp of where we've come from to help us...

It's both a caution, I like to say, and a comfort.

As a student of history, I know it's been bad before, not just in America, where we've lived through revolutionary war, civil war.

we've literally subjugated- - How about civil rights, and racism, and segregation?

- Yes, absolutely!

We've subjugated, you know, we've subjugated- - Talk about uncivil, - Absolutely, absolutely!

And taking a long view of human history also gives us comfort, as well.

It's been bad before, it can get bad again, that's the caution, but it's comfort.

We're not really on the precipice of a civil war, thankfully, at this moment of time, as we have been before.

So I liked to say, history is both a caution and a comfort to us in our current moment.

- Before I let you go, you talk about history, you talk in the book about Dr. King when he was in the Birmingham Jail, "Letters from Birmingham Jail," which is a, and he talked about just and unjust laws, and that you can be engaged in civil unrest, - Yeah.

- do it in a civil fashion, but we don't have a responsibility to just be so polite to accept - Yes.

- segregation, Jim Crow, et cetera.

I got a minute left, go ahead.

- I actually reread Dr. King's "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" while I was in government and living through these toxic extremes of suffocating politeness and hostility, and it clarified for me why I was so frustrated, and why true civility grounded in personhood and human dignity was the better, more noble, respectful way.

Dr. King is responding to the suffocating politeness of the white moderate, who is saying, "Dr. King, don't rock the boat," you know, "just be patient.

We will get there eventually."

You know, like... And Dr. King said, "No," you know, "this is about human dignity, this is about personhood.

We're not going to just sit idly by and wait for justice to run its course, and hope that it happens eventually.

The time is now."

And actually, he knew that his protests were actually civil, they were actually respecting the dignity of the other.

Everyone who was part of his peaceful, nonviolent resistance, he had them undergo a training where they forgave them, they cultivated love for them, and it was out of that love for the people who held bigoted and racist views that they protested, that they had sit-ins, that they had letter-writing campaigns.

And so that's a reminder for us today, that disagreeing with others is actually a way of respecting them, and not just sweeping difference under the rug, as politeness suggests.

- That's why it was called civil disobedience.

- That's right.

- "The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves," Lexi Hudson, the author, Lexi, thank you so much for joining us.

We appreciate it.

- A pleasure.

Thank you for having me.

- You got it.

I'm Steve Adubato.

Hopefully, I'll be more polite in the future and won't interrupt as much.

See you next time.

- [Narrator] One-On-One with Steve Adubato is a production of the Caucus Educational Corporation.

Funding has been provided by RWJBarnabas Health.

Let’s be healthy together.

New Jersey Children’s Foundation.

Kean University.

PSEG Foundation.

The Fidelco Group.

Valley Bank.

Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.

New Jersey Sharing Network.

And by PSE&G.

Promotional support provided by Meadowlands Chamber.

And by ROI-NJ.

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