- [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre" is made possible in part by The Fish House, a great Southern restaurant, supporting arts, entertainment, and local culture since 1998.

- [Narrator] Pensacon, the Gulf Coast's premiere pop culture event is proud to sponsor "Nightmare Theatre".

Pensacon brings celebrities, artists, authors, and more together each February in Pensacola, Florida.

For more information, visit pensacon.com.

(soft music) (thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On Nightmare Theatre ♪ - No, no, lemme try again.

It was a dark and bitter time.

The country had never been more divided.

Brother turned against brother, sister against sister, cousins got into shooting matches.

The hearts of children were turned against fathers and even their mothers.

There were fist fights in church, families screamed and argue with each other in the middle of the night out on their lawns, no one would compromise or yield an inch.

Thousands of extra police officers were hired to reduce the violence.

The UN sent in conflict resolution experts to mediate, but the country was at an impasse.

Two camps were diametrically opposed.

There was no middle ground or room for negotiation.

Did it taste great or was it less filling?

It had to be one or the other.

It couldn't be both.

What camp was I in?

I thought it was just a stupid cheap beer with a stupid slogan and I didn't care one way or the other, but I do like stirring the pot.

I used to ply Sapo with cheap booze and drop him off in a less filling town while he was wearing a tastes great T-shirt.

Man, he took some beatings.

One time, this tough old broad from the Wisconsin Junior League threw him right through the window of a bowl alley.

Oh wait, wait.

We're on, I'll show you a tape of the time that guy stuffed El Sapo in a beer keg and rolled him down a hill later.

Hello and welcome once again to "Nightmare Theatre".

I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren and here with me as always is Mittens the Werewolf.

We were just discussing dumb ideas as we wait for the dumbest idea of all time, El Sapo De Tempesto to jump the fence at the nuthouse and show up with tonight's movie.

- Hey folks, here I am.

- And here he is, late as usual.

- Sorry I am late boss.

I went down by the chicken plant today.

- The chicken plant?

You know they don't plant chickens there, right?

Chickens do not grow out of the ground.

You know what a chicken plant is, right?

- Oh, sure.

I know chickens don't grow out of the ground.

I mean, I know it now, but I kept seeing all those commercials about boneless chicken nuggets or boneless chicken wings.

- Oh wait.

Of course you wanted to see what a boneless chicken looked like or are you wanted to market something like Colonel El Sapo's bone in nuggets?

- No, boss.

What kind of boob do you take me for?

- A Supreme one?

- I know there is no such thing as a boneless chicken.

I've known that for two hours now.

I went down there because I was looking to buy something.

- Wait, you'd figured you'd go down there and try to get some nuggets in bulk, didn't you?

That's good thinking.

Wow, I can't believe I'm saying that.

Did they give you a discount for buying a truckload?

Or what about sauces?

Did you get any good sauces?

Please tell me you got a 55 gallon of the sweet and sour spicy Thai sauce.

That stuff goes great on nuggets.

- Well, well about them nuggets- - How many did you buy, man?

I could go for a plate of those right now.

Are they in the air fryer right now?

- Well, I never actually got around buying the nuggets.

- Well, chicken strips and chicken fingers are just as good.

- None of them either.

- Of course not.

Why did I think likewise?

Mittens, there will be no chicken-y goodness for us in the near future.

Useless here came back empty handed.

- Oh, yes, but it wasn't a total loss.

I came back with something more valuable than food.

I came back with knowledge.

- Oh really?

- Yeah, you see, when I tunneled under the fence into the chicken paddock, I learned something, boss.

- And what was that?

- I learned that whoever said chicken's where cowards was dead wrong.

And they do not have yellow bellies either.

And you can take that to the bank.

- How did you come to see a chicken's belly?

- 1000 of them flew at me now, you know what?

I can now add chickens to the list of animals who have tried to kill me.

- All those species who've tried over the years.

Just about every animal on Noah's Ark has taken a shot and they all failed sadly.

Well, I guess that's why humans are the top of the food chain.

- And a tasty food chain it is, boss, but I could tell you what, I tell you what, I could hitchhike down to the gas station and get you some nuggets, if you like.

How would that be?

- Oh, are you in a place where you can leave and go get some nuggets?

- I'd be glad to.

- Cool.

Well, before you do that, what do we have for a movie tonight?

- Movie?

- Oh yeah, the movie.

I'm sure you have a movie since you said you were free to go nugget-gathering.

- Oh, well- - Well let me guess no nuggets, no strips, no sauce.

And no movie, nothing.

- I do have this.

- I shudder to ask, where did you find that?

- Well, when I was down there at that chicken plant, I saw a door marked "Egg Room".

And I know, you know, as well as I do how much Mittens here likes his eggs.

So I figured I would stuff my pockets and my shoes with eggs.

- And how did that work out?

- Well, I got into the egg room and there was a big, tough guy in there and he told me to get out.

I told him to get bent.

- I don't believe that for a minute.

- Well, okay.

It was a tough lady and she turned a fire extinguisher on me.

- Really?

- And the room got all clouded and the chicken started panicking and squawking and feathers were flying every which way.

And the sprinklers came on, and I took off like a rocket and I ran down past a gizzard tank.

- Please tell me you grabbed me a handful of fried gizzards.

- No, but I did grab that film canister which was sticking out of a pile of gizzards and innards.

Now I'm not sure what's on it, but it's called "The Fiery Abbeys".

- Let me see.

That's "Fiery Abyss", you dolt.

- What's an abyss.

- It's what you have between your ears.

I can tell you two things right about now about "The Fiery Abyss".

There will not be an abyss and nothing's gonna be fiery.

I'd like to hurl this film can and you along with it into a fiery abyss.

- That's my cue to go.

I'll be right back with a movie, boss.

Mittens, Mittens, you'll take good notes for me and tell me what happens when I'm gone, right?

- Will you get outta here?

- Folks, I know what this is.

It's another chapter of "Flash Gordon".

You know what this is too.

And if you've come this far, maybe you can come just a little bit further.

I honestly don't want to be a miserable alone tonight.

So sit back, relax, brace yourself for yet another installment of "Flash Gordon Drives a Grown Demon to Tears" here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(grand orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (dramatic music) - [Announcer] Chapter Eight.

Ming's attack on Barin's kingdom prompts Zarkov to perfect an N Ray to be discharged from a powerful Nullitrion to neutralize and render useless Ming's power plant.

Barin tells Flash the Nullition can best be directed against Ming's palace from the Devil's Dome in the Land of the Dead.

Ming learns of their plans, and his soldiers plant a powerful time bomb on the Devil's Dome, but are promptly captured by Rock Men.

Flash and his party land, unaware of the bomb and the Rock Men who are watching them, and... - [Man] Look, the Earth men.

They're right near where we laid the mine.

(dramatic orchestral music) (all shouting) (explosion booming) Yes, that's the sea of their dead.

(steam hissing) (dramatic orchestral music) Look.

They're reviving.

(Flash coughing) - Dale.

Dale!

- Oh, Flash.

- [Flash] Roka.

(speaking in foreign language) - What is he trying to say?

- He wants to know who we are and where we came from.

- What language is it?

- It's an ancient language, spoken by the lost tribes that once inhabited the Gobi Desert on Earth.

(speaking in foreign language) We're going to be taken to the king.

- But why are we prisoners, Zarkov?

- I think they're blaming us for that explosion.

- We shouldn't be held responsible for that.

(speaking in foreign language) (creatures screeching) (yelling in foreign language) (tense music) - Don't move.

We're safe from the monster if it doesn't see us.

(speaking foreign language) Even the blast of it's breath is deadly poison.

(speaking foreign language) He says the reason they're dressed like rocks is to protect themselves against these monsters.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (man screaming) No wonder they call this place the Land of the Dead.

(dramatic orchestral music) (speaking in foreign language) (speaking in foreign language) - What are they saying?

- It seems they're blaming us for the disappearance of the king's son.

- But they can't do that, we have nothing- - King's son has failed to return since the explosion.

Which apparently caused a serious earthquake and did a lot of damage.

- Suppose his son doesn't show up?

- In that case our lives will be forfeit.

- Oh, but that's not right.

Torch caused the explosion.

- You better try to make that clear to them Zarkov.

(speaking in foreign language) (speaking foreign language) (all shouting) (Dale screaming) - He's coming to.

- What happened?

What have they done with Dale?

- Dale was sent to another cell along with Zonia.

We're all to be kept under guard til the search is over.

- Search?

What search?

- The search to find the Rock King's missing son.

Remember?

That's what all the trouble is about.

- That's right.

I remember now.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Dale Arden calling Emergency.

Calling Emergency, Ming's palace.

Dale Arden, calling emergency.

- Dale, listen carefully.

This is com.

Let me call you back.

Ming is on his way to the laboratory.

We must not risk being discovered.

(dramatic orchestral music) Your Imperial Majesty.

- We must ascertain the activities of Flash Gordon and Doctor Zarkov.

- I have been trying to do so, sire.

- And be prepared in case Torch failed to stop them.

- Yes, sire.

- I'll take that instrument if you please.

Give it to me.

- What instrument?

- That short-wave radio you were trying to call your friend Emergency upon.

- Why, you!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (all shouting) - I'll call Emergency and find out what this is all about.

(dramatic music) This is Dale Arden calling Emergency at Ming's palace.

Dale Arden calling Emergency.

Flash Gordon and Professor Zarkov want to thank you for your valuable assistance in fighting Ming, but we're in serious trouble and need help.

This is urgent!

We need help!

Answer please, help!

- So, Zarkov learned all my secrets from you.

You traitor.

- Well why shouldn't I be a traitor to you?

After the way you've treated my people.

- Lock him up.

Until I have decided the manner in which he is to die.

Take him away!

(dramatic orchestral music) - No, you better let me do it.

You two will know better how to get help when you do get out of here.

- All right.

But we wouldn't let you do it if we didn't think it'd work.

- Ready?

- Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

- Tell them he's poisoned.

Tell them to do something!

(speaking in foreign language) (dramatic music) (suspenseful orchestral music) (all speaking foreign language) Now I've got to try and find Prince Barin.

- Yes, if we can locate the ship.

- It should be somewhere in that direction.

- Where's Flash and Professor Zarkov?

- We tricked the guards.

They've gone for help.

- Then there's a chance for us.

- I certainly hope so.

(speaking in foreign language) (electric buzzing) - Do you feel a strong gravity pull from the left of us?

- Yes, it's like some powerful magnetic force.

(rock man yelling) What was that?

- I don't know.

- Let's find out.

(suspenseful orchestral music) That magnetic pull is getting stronger than ever.

- Then it's true.

This part of Mongo is made up of highly magnetized particles.

(rock man yelling) - Up there.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Lodestone.

- The explosion must have uncovered it.

- It's already claimed one victim, trapped another.

(rock man yelling) (yelling in foreign language) (speaking foreign language) It's the Rock King's son.

He must have been trapped up there when the explosion opened the ground and exposed the lodestone.

- Gotta save him, Zarkov.

It's the only way to make the king call off the execution.

Look.

That lodestone is balanced on a slender pinnacle.

If I could get one of those big rocks above started, it would knock the lodestone into the depths of the planet.

- Too dangerous.

- That's the only chance to save Dale and the others.

Zarkov, go on back to the caves.

Tell the king we found his son.

(dramatic orchestral music) (speaking foreign language) (speaking foreign language) (Dale screaming) (rock man shouting) (Dale screaming) (dramatic orchestral music) - Now I'm not saying we have to kill him as such.

Maybe we could just injure him real bad and we could get a guy from a temp agency to fill in.

Oh wait, wait.

We're back.

Well, that was "The Fiery Abyss".

Was Dale Arden thrown into a pit.

I truly hope so.

But odds are cruel fate intervened and saved her at the last minute.

You know, I'd truly like to recap the story thus far, folks, but I just can't bring this myself to do that.

Instead I'm just gonna stand here quietly sobbing as we wait for El Sapo.

(Baron sighing) - Hey, hey boss, why are you guys so glum?

You look like you lost your best friend, like you lost all hope.

- I have.

If I had my way, I would rather crawl into bed and not get out until six months from now.

Nothing matters.

- Oh, come on, boss.

This will restore your faith.

I found a movie for you.

I tell you what, I don't think I have ever in my life been happier about a single movie.

- What does that even mean?

- I mean, I feel like my roses are in bloom and I have a TV in every room.

This is gonna make you feel like a pleasant valley Sunday.

- That's not a good thing, Sapo.

Look, I am at the end of my rope here.

This better be a good movie.

- I stake my entire reputation on it.

- Well that means nothing.

- It is a good movie.

Of course, I'm just going by the title.

I think this one might be educational.

Maybe one of them films they show in school reform schools between parole hearings.

- Reform school, huh?

- Oh, yeah.

They showed us all sorts of motivational educational films in an effort to make us better citizens.

- Another sad failure of the criminal justice system.

- But I really think this one might be educational.

Maybe even informative.

I think this one might be about industry or manufacturing or something.

- Now, why would you think that?

- Now I'm just going by the title here, boss.

The title of this one is "Alien Factory".

Maybe it's about the one of them factories where they make aliens.

- Aliens are not made in a factory and there's never been a movie called "Alien Factory".

There is however a German trance band called Alien Factory.

- Maybe this is their tour video.

Maybe it's a collection of their music videos.

We could clear some room for dancing.

Do you know how to Madison?

- No.

- I could teach you in no time.

Do you think it could be a music video by a German band.

- Maybe, but oh no.

"Alien Factory", that's what you said?

I wonder if you meant "Alien Factor".

Now let me see that can.

(sighing) Nope.

No way.

This is "Alien Factor".

I'm leaving.

Mittens, you're gonna come with me if you wanna live.

Fine, I tried to save you.

(sighing) - It's gonna be okay.

- Sapo, you're on your own tonight.

I'm not gonna be a party to this.

I'll be back tomorrow.

- No, no, no, boss.

You can't leave us.

We'll be lost without you.

- That is not my problem.

- Who knows what might happen if you abandon us.

Mittens, he might get into the horse radish.

I might join another religious cult.

I might break out the clippers and give me and Mittens odd hairstyles.

You simply can't leave us alone.

- Watch me.

- Boss, think of those little children watching.

How are they gonna impress their friends with film knowledge unless you help them.

Think of all those poor kids out there, boss, sitting in the orphanage on those cold steel benches, sad and hopeless, crying into their porridge bowls because they don't know who directed "The Alien Factory".

- (sighing) Once again, the name of the film is "Alien Factor".

- Dang, you're right.

I bet you know a lot about this movie.

I bet you even know who directed it.

But I bet not even you know who wrote it.

- It was both written and directed by Don Dohler.

- A-ha, now we are swimming with both legs.

Tell me, boss, what kind of director was this guy?

- A bad one.

- Oh, come on.

I bet he was one of the greatest directors in history.

- No he wasn't.

- I bet he was in the top 25, maybe even in the top 50.

- He wasn't even the top 50 of directors named Don.

Don Dohler makes Ed Wood look like Jean-Luc Godard.

- The "Star Wars" guy.

- No, no.

Yeah, sure, that guy.

- Excellent.

Tell me about his skills as a director.

Did he bring something new to the stable?

- He did.

Dohler uses a special filmmaking technique.

He makes sure the camera is out of focus and he places the microphone over in the next county.

- I bet he assembled a great cast.

Probably and possibly some kind of dream team of actors and actresses, the likes of which the world has never seen.

- Nope.

And I have to warn you folks in advance.

Look, I know I say like this all the time, but I have never been more serious in my life.

You are gonna see some of the ugliest human beings God put on the face of the earth.

I mean, I can deal with ugly, but this is a new level of unsightliness.

It looks like someone ran through this town with the ugly stick and stopped at every house.

And man, is it ever full of dinner-theater superstars, and some of the men in this movie look like guys who broke out of Ye Old Nuthouse at the county Renaissance fair.

- Come on, boss.

Try to find something good in the movie.

- That's impossible.

- Nothing is impossible.

- I'm here to tell you there's absolutely nothing good in this movie.

Bad story, bad acting, bad directing.

It's just bad, bad, bad.

- So it's got a bad director and some ugly actors.

That doesn't mean it is a bad movie.

- Yes it does.

This movie has absolutely no redeeming factors whatsoever.

Well, except maybe- - (chuckling) Mittens, I think we got him.

I think we found that pad of butter in the mashed potato section of the frozen TV dinner.

What is the good thing?

- It features a man named Richard Dyszel.

- I know that name.

He was Mittens' parole officer or something, wasn't he?

- No, no.

- Oh, that's right.

He's he's your cousin or something.

That's what it is, right?

- No, he is one of the greatest entertainers of all time.

A truly great guy.

And I am proud to say a close personal friend of mine.

- Then how come I've never met him.

- Because I want him to remain my friend.

- Well, tell me a bit about this guy.

- He's been a TV legend for decades.

He played Bozo the Clown from 1972 to 1977 on a local station.

He played Captain 20 from 1972 to 1987.

In 1984, he won an Emmy for his show "Kids' Break".

He played M.T.

Graves on WDXR in Paducah, Kentucky, but he's best known for being Count Gore De Vol, the best horror host ever.

- I never heard of the guy, boss.

- Well, maybe you should turn around and look behind you.

- [El Sapo] What am I looking for, boss?

- Hand me that photo.

- Which one?

- The one over there.

- This one?

- Yeah, that one.

- You know, I always thought this was a picture of you.

- [Baron] Well, he is dashing and debonair, so I could see how he'd make that mistake.

- [El Sapo] So who is this guy?

- [Baron] He's Count Gore and he's in the movie.

He plays the mayor.

- Oh boy.

Then we are in for a treat tonight, aren't we?

- What do you mean by that?

- I mean, if a man you admire so much is in this movie, it's bound to be great.

- Well about that- - Even if it is not great, I bet he is great in it.

Maybe even the standout star.

- Well, you gotta consider the script and the director and there's a lot of problems and all that.

- No, no, no, no.

I bet your buddy is gonna amaze us tonight.

- Look, the man is a national treasure and an institution.

He can't help the fact that he was cast in a bad movie directed by a madman.

Folks, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.

I've always been up front and brutally honest with you.

I believe in tough love.

And this, this is a bad movie.

90 minutes of the absolute worst pain you'll ever experience.

- Is it worse than that time I got my ear caught in a vacuum cleaner at the gas station.

- Oh, that was hilarious.

And I wish we could watch it on a four hour loop, but this movie is horrible.

So let's all take a deep cleansing breath.

(inhaling) (exhaling) We can get right into the film starring a good friend of mine.

"Alien Factor", here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(static hissing) (eerie electronic music) (rock music) - God, we're not gonna have much of this left.

(electronic humming) ♪ I know I've burned out ♪ ♪ So come out ♪ ♪ So come out, yeah baby come out ♪ (couple giggles) (electronic humming) - The sun's going down, Rex.

I guess you're gonna have to take me home now.

- Yeah, good old sun.

We bid you farewell.

One for the road?

(electronic humming) (dramatic electronic music) (woman screams) (Rex yells) (woman screams) Mary Jane!

(eerie electronic music) - Pete, I found Mary Jane Carter.

She's a bit bruised up, and I think she's in shock, but she should be okay.

- Well, her folks'll be glad to hear that.

What about Rex Walker?

His father called again a few minutes ago.

- Rex is dead, Pete.

Looks like an animal attack.

Ted and Vance are few minutes behind me and they're bringing in the body.

Did you call Ruth?

- Yeah, she and Steven are expecting you.

- Good, I'm on my way there now.

You better get your car and meet me out there.

Hey, and while you're at it, give the mayor a quick call and let him know what's going on.

- Vance, he told us what just happened.

- Ted and Vance are on their way her now with Rex's body.

- Steven, she's in a state of shock.

Help me get her into the house.

- [Steven] Okay, Aunt Ruth.

- What about Mary Jane, sheriff?

- Well, I don't know, they, doc just took her in.

- What do you want us to do with Rex?

- Well, let's leave him in the car for now.

- Hi Vance, Ted.

- Hi Steven, how's it going?

- Okay, until now.

Is the body in here, sheriff?

- Yeah, come on, I'll show you.

(door squeaks) (dramatic electronic music) - Oh my god!

- What do you think, doc?

Wild animal?

- It look that way, but I can't be sure.

- We better move Rex inside now.

- Would you boys help Steven?

- [Ted] Sure.

(eerie electronic music) - Morning, Jack.

- [Jack] Hello, Burt.

- Rex Walker, huh?

How's Mary Jane?

- She's in shock, but she'll be okay.

- Did she say anything about what happened?

- Shock, Burt.

She didn't say anything.

- Oh right.

Well, what about Rex?

How bad's the body?

- Pretty bad.

Must've been some kind of big animal.

Apparently he and Mary Jane were parked out near the river.

- Doesn't make sense that an animal would attack them in the car.

But whatever it is, you and Pete better get out there and find it.

- Don't worry, we will.

- Looks like we're gettin' an audience, Sheriff.

- That's all we need.

- Jack, you better get rid of them.

Look, I'm going back to my office.

Let me know when you hear anything from Ruth.

- I'll keep in touch.

- Okay.

Pete, you wanna give me a ride back to town?

- Sure thing, Mayor.

- [Jack] Hey, you guys are gonna have to get out of here.

- Wait a minute, Sheriff.

We heard what happened to Rex, and we wanna help you.

- You heard?

- Yeah, we heard your call to Pete on my scanner.

- Yeah, you're gonna need help, Sheriff.

- Look, this is strictly police work right now.

The best thing you can do is keep your eyes open, and if you see anything, a bear or a bobcat, let us know right away.

- How can we see anything if we don't go look for it?

- Rex wasn't lookin' for it, was he?

(electronic humming) - Well, hello and welcome back.

Did I not warn you people about this movie?

- You are right?

Your friend is not very good in this movie.

- I wasn't specifically talking about him, but I have to admit this is not his best role, but at least he looks like a small town mayor and looks are important.

- Some of the people in this movie are on the unsightly side, aren't they?

- Nope.

They are on the downright ugly side.

- But it's wrong, boss, to judge people on their appearances, right?

- Oh sure, usually, but in this case I could tell just by looking at these three guys that they were as talented as they were handsome.

- Boss, this film is not good.

- [Baron] Why are you talking like that?

- Wait, what do you mean, boss?

- I mean, are you doing a Shatner or Michael Caine or Pam Dawber?

- No, boss.

I'm trying to sound like the guys in this movie.

- Why on earth would you wanna do that?

- I thought I could impress you with my acting ability.

- Not likely.

- I thought maybe we could do a scene from the movie.

- Why would we want to do that?

- I think it might be fun.

You know, just to see what the same material looks like when done by two great actors.

Let's do a scene.

Here, I got one for you and I got one for me.

- Sapo, this is silly.

Acting is hard and we're not actors.

Well I am, and you're not.

- Well, neither are the guys in this movie.

- Well, I mean, that's a fair point, but maybe there's a larger lesson here that I can pound into that head of yours.

- Good.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Let's do that scene we just saw.

You play the sheriff who sounds vaguely like Dwight Yoakam.

Okay, Mittens, smack your hands together like one of those old clap board things you see in the old movies.

Lights, camera, action.

Roll 'em.

Boss.

- What, does that does that mean you want me to start this nonsense?

- Yes.

Let's make some magic happen.

- All right, Steven Stupidberg.

Let's do it.

Hey, you guys are going to have to get outta here.

- Wait a minute, sheriff.

We heard what happened to Rex and we wanna help you.

- Ya heard?

- Yeah.

We heard your call to Pete on my scanner and you're gonna need help.

Did you notice I kind of switched my voice there.

I'm playing two guys.

- I didn't notice.

And I don't think anyone else did either, assuming anyone is still watching.

- Sure they are.

Let's continue.

I'll do my line again.

You're gonna need help, sheriff.

- Look, this is strictly police work right now.

The best thing you can do is keep your eyes open and if you see anything, a bear or a bobcat, let us know right away.

- How can we see anything if we don't go look for it?

- Was that supposed to be a different guy?

- Yeah, I was.

- Okay, I didn't notice.

All right.

Okay.

I might as well win this.

Say your line again.

- How can we see anything if we don't go look for it?

- Well, Rex, wasn't looking for it, was he?

- And scene.

Now that was great.

Wasn't it?

- That was dreadfully bad.

- But not as bad as the people in this movie.

- I think it might have been a draw.

You were awful.

I was great.

If they gave out Oscars for showing bad movies, I'd win in a landslide.

- I would vote for you.

- But you know something Sapo, this scene's not as bad as it appears.

- See, I told you that we did a great job.

- No, no.

I mean the actual scene, it displays a common trope often used at the time.

- Huh?

- See, in police dramas of the day, the younger generation who represented change were always smarting off to the police and the police who represented the establishment, always had a snide come back to put the kids in their place.

The best usage of this technique would be "Dragnet".

- What do you mean by that, boss?

- Police dramas often had clever writers who gave the police the best line.

Once on "Dragnet", a guy kept demanding that Friday call him mister.

Friday said "Where you're headed, there are no misters, only numbers."

Or when one guy said his wife drank too much, Friday said, "She's got a good reason to drink.

She's married to you."

- Ha ha, that's telling him.

- Yeah, the comebacks were supposed to not only be hilarious, but were also supposed to entrench the moral superiority of the police.

The police were to be listened to and followed at all times, Moral censure and eternal damnation awaited those who as much as sassed back the wise men and women of the police.

- But the guys in this movie are safe, right?

'Cause, you know, I feel kind of a closeness to 'em.

- We'll see, Sapo.

We'll see.

Folks, let's get back to "The Alien Factor" featuring Sapo's kindred spirits here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(engine rumbles) - [Woman] Look, look at the fish!

Did you see 'em?

It's really nice here.

- Yeah, it's really nice.

Listen, why don't you look at me instead of the fish?

- Hell no!

(crickets chirping) I said no!

- Well, if you're gonna be like that.

I'll see you back at the car.

(electronic humming) (suspenseful electronic music) (twig snaps) (woman gasps and screams) (suspenseful electronic music) (woman screams) - [Man] Ugh.

(dramatic electronic music) (engine revs) (electronic warbling) - Debbie!

Debbie!

(suspenseful electronic music) Are you okay?

What happened, are you all right?

Everything okay?

- Where am I, what happened?

I can't remember.

(dramatic electronic music) - Aunt Ruth, I've been looking at these wounds, and something is not quite right.

- Why?

What are you talking about?

- Well, look at the wounds.

A mountain lion or bear would've clawed Rex.

But this looks as though something extremely sharp had penetrated his skin and then had been pulled out very quickly.

And if you look closely, there's some sort of secretion around each of the wounds.

- I think we better wait before we make any conclusions until we've done a thorough autopsy.

(typewriter clicks) (upbeat music) ♪ 'Cause you're all that's true ♪ ♪ And I know in my mind ♪ ♪ That you're feeling blue ♪ (phone rings) - Hello?

Oh hi, Edie.

- Hi, Steven.

I'm calling to follow up on Rex.

I can hardly believe I'm writing a story like this.

- Yes, yes I know.

- How's Mary Jane?

- Oh, I think she'll be okay, mm-hm.

- Jack said that Ruth is handling the autopsy.

Can I speak to her?

- Sure, hold on.

- Hi, Ruth.

Any clue as to what happened?

- Well, I can't give you too much information yet.

- The two boys who found Rex seem to think it was done by a bear.

Can you confirm that?

- I suppose it's possible it was some sort of big animal.

We won't know until after the autopsy.

- Well, I can't go to press without mentioning a likely cause of death.

Ruth, that's when rumors start.

Okay, would it be fair to say the likely cause of death, at press time, was an attack by a large animal?

- Oh, I'm sure it will be all right if you least alerted everyone that a wild animal might be on the loose.

Wouldn't hurt to have people on the look out.

Oh, no trouble Edie, okay.

Goodbye.

- Bye-bye.

- I still say the sheriff's gonna need help.

- Let it ride, man.

He said not to butt in.

- So what?

There's no law against us going out and lookin' around.

- Screw it.

They're not gonna give a reward for the animal.

- Yeah, it's cold as hell up in those hills.

- I'll drink to that.

- Come on.

Come on, let's do it.

- All right.

- Hey, that's more like it.

I'll give Susan a call- - Susan?

What do we wanna take her for?

- Yeah, that's stupid.

- No, it's not stupid.

She's a cool chick, and we're gonna take her with us.

You guys got it?

Come on, let's get started.

(midtempo electronic music) (doors thud) Now look, we all stick together.

Something might happen if we get separated.

Together, we have three guns against a target.

- I still say we're nuts to take her.

- Now look, man, we're takin' her.

Now, she'll be okay as long as she stays in between us.

- Come on, will you two stop arguing?

Let's get started.

(eerie electronic music) (Susan screams) (gun fires) (guns firing) (Susan screaming) (gun firing) (man groans) (Susan screams) - Well, hello and welcome back.

Good riddance to those three awful characters.

The movie is already better without having them in it.

- Boss, boss, those three guys, they died.

- I know.

I was right here next to you watching it as it happened.

I can't say I shed a tear.

- Well, boss, I felt a deep connection to those guys.

You know, I once played those three guys once when a friend of mine and I reenacted a scene from this movie.

- I know, I was there.

And the reviews on your portrayal have been very clear.

We've received a fair amount of feedback so far.

The viewers at home were not impressed with your acting ability.

Not at all.

They were impressed by mine, however.

I wouldn't be surprised if Hollywood called and offered me a role as a leading man.

- Would you find a role for me?

- No.

Mittens will be my companion in any movie they put me in.

I'll put that in my contract.

Nothing for you though.

- I know I'm no Joey Lawrence, but I did my best.

- And it wasn't good enough.

- Still, I can't help but feel a part of me died when those fellas died.

- That's silly, Sapo.

In movies, characters die.

You know, sometimes it's sad like in "The Dirty Dozen", when Jim Brown's character dies.

Sometimes it's not sad at all like when those three guys died.

- I thought it was sad.

- No it wasn't.

Not at all.

Those guys were loathsome unwashed buffoons.

See Sapo, movie deaths serve purposes.

Sometimes they advance the storyline.

Sometimes it tugs on our emotions.

The Greeks called it a catharsis.

- A what?

- A catharsis.

It means a purging of emotions basically.

But you know, I'm not sure in this case, I'd call it a catharsis.

Maybe a sacrifice.

Think of it like this.

The director said to himself, man, I gotta keep people interested in this awful movie.

I don't have any storylines or good effects.

I know, I'll kill off those horrible characters.

- I still say those guys were good dudes.

They were like brothers or something to me, at least cousins maybe.

- I admit, they do look like they could be related to you.

But the bottom line is they're gone.

I will never have to see them again.

- I'm certainly gonna miss those guys.

- Oh, oh.

Don't worry.

You're gonna see 'em again.

You're gonna watch this movie 1000 times in the next two weeks to make it up for bringing it to me.

- Does this time count?

- No.

Folks, let's get back to the cinematic equivalent of a root canal here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(eerie electronic music) - Lookie, I warned them earlier today not to go looking for the animal.

I mean, I can only do so much.

Yeah, I realize they were just kids.

Ruth's doing the autopsies now, but she's pretty sure it was the same animal.

Same types of wounds.

Uh-huh.

Well, look Edie, your best bet's to talk to Ruth, you know?

I mean, she can tell you more than I can.

Yeah, okay, right.

Goodbye.

- Our over-anxious girl reporter, huh?

- Yeah, she wanted to know about Ernie, Clay and Richie.

- You tell her what Susan said about a monster killing them?

- No, I think Susan was just a little hysterical.

The shock and everything, you know?

- Hm, like Mary Jane, huh?

- Yeah.

The doc says Mary Jane's coming around a little, but she hasn't said anything yet.

- So we're gonna go out looking for the animal first thing in the morning?

- Yep.

I think we'll start over here near the river.

Near where they found Rex Walker.

And then we can circle on around down here to the south.

- It's gonna be tough, Sheriff.

They're callin' for five or more inches of snow tonight.

- Yeah, I heard the forecast.

Well, maybe the cold'll slow this animal down, and we'll have a better crack at catchin' up to it.

(suspenseful electronic music) (eerie electronic music) - I've never seen anything like this, Jack.

Ed Miller has all the signs of some rare childhood disease called progeria.

- Pro-what?

- Progeria.

It's a rare childhood disease that causes an acceleration of the aging process.

The skin ages and wrinkles, and the person develops arthritis, arteriosclerosis, the internal organs deteriorate and fail.

- You mean, there really is a disease like that?

- Well yes, but it's very rare.

Little research has been done on it.

- And that's what Ed Miller died from?

- Well, I don't think so.

Number one, it's a disease that afflicts children only, as far as we know.

Number two, Ed's body has deteriorated beyond old age, almost to the point of being a decayed corpse.

The blood, the internal organs, dehydrated.

- But it could be this disease you're talking about?

- I wish I could say yes, Jack, that would make things so much easier.

But progeria is a progressive disease that takes a longer period of time.

And everyone knows that Ed Miller was in town just yesterday.

- That's right, Sheriff.

Saw him comin' out of the grocery store.

- Yeah, I know, I saw him myself.

Well, I guess we'll have to chalk Ed Miller's death up to unknown reasons for right now.

Now, what do you have on Rex Walker?

- Jack, I don't know what's going on around here.

Besides being mangled, Rex's body was loaded with some sort of very lethal poison.

As far a Steven and I could ascertain, the poison entered the body through the flesh wounds.

- Which means it couldn't have been a bear or a bobcat that killed Rex.

So, where does that leave us?

- Oh, hello Ruth.

I just came from your place.

Steven told me what happened to Ed Miller.

Let me ask you, do you have any other conclusions?

- There are no other conclusions at this point, Burt.

Look, I gotta get back to the office.

Jack, if anything else turns up, I'll let you know.

- [Jack] Okay, Ruth.

- I'll talk to you later, Ruth.

What the hell's going on, Jack?

- I wish I know, Burt.

- You wish you knew?

This kind of thing can give Perry Hill a bad name.

- And you're worried about that damned amusement park they wanna build outside of town?

- Amusement park?

Jack, we're talking about a $30 million entertainment complex!

It could mean hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for this town!

- Yeah, and a 100,000 headaches, too.

Look Burt, I don't care about that damn complex, and I don't care about how much money it brings to you, the town, or to anybody.

All I know is we got five killings on our hands, and I think we oughta call in the state police.

- Oh, Jack, don't talk like that.

Whatever it is, you and Pete can solve it.

You're our elected law officers.

We don't need any outside help.

Now, I want you to get cracking on this.

And I want some answers, and I want them soon.

The longer it takes to solve this, the more the chances of something leaking out, and I won't have any bad publicity, especially not now.

Whether you like it or not, Jack, this complex is gonna mean a lot to this town.

Look, I'll be home if you need me.

- Well, guess we got our work cut out for us, huh?

- Yeah, old buddy.

Guess we better get started.

- Hello and welcome back.

Just on the off chance someone is still watching this dumpster fire of a movie, I warned you, did I not, about the people in this movie.

- There certainly aren't very many beauty pageant winners in this one.

You know these guys ain't raving beauties like us.

- Us?

- Yeah.

You and me and Mittens.

We are three of the best looking fellas around.

- Around what?

This table?

- No, around the planet.

- You better look again, at yourself at least.

- Look, I know I'm no Judge Wopner when it comes to looks.

- I'll say.

- I can't change how I look, but you know, maybe I can learn something that makes up for my sorry appearance.

- No, I doubt that.

- Tell me something interesting about the movie.

Come on, come on, come on.

Anything, anything?

- Okay, tough guy.

You asked for some trivia about this film.

Well, here goes and I hope you are fully vaccinated and your insurance is paid up, 'cause this is gonna hurt.

- Circle, circle, dots, dots.

I done got all my shots.

- I don't know what that means.

I do know that this film was released in 1978.

- That was the same year Kevin Federline was born.

- Yes.

And, I guess that should tell you something, but it was filmed in 1972.

- That's the same year Duck Dynasty's Willie Robertson was born.

- Odd that you know those two guys' birthday right off the top of your head.

- Well, I keep track of the things that are important to Von Doren Enterprises and its affiliated agencies.

- Really?

Well, let me tell you what I have instantly available in my brain.

- I know you have 100 casserole recipes tucked up there.

- Yes I do.

But I also have film reviews memorized.

Sometimes I think you don't believe me when I tell you just how bad these movies are.

- You do seem to find fault with whatever I find.

- And I'm always right, but you don't have to take my word for it.

The good people at Rotten Tomatoes said it best about this movie.

Don't waste your time.

TV Guide said, "Only the undiscriminating will be able to sit through this one."

- Did they mean me?

- Probably.

You are very undiscriminating.

But the best review came from film critic, Charleston Picou.

He said, "While watching 'The Alien Factor', I started thinking about the Spanish Inquisition.

I was a history major in college, mainly focusing on the Medieval and Renaissance eras.

When I learned of some of the different methods of torture used by the Inquisition, I was chilled to the bone.

None of it however compares to the hellish mental anguish that is inflicted by a Don Dohler film.

While watching 'The Alien Factor', I was ready to confess such horrify things as practicing witchcraft, being responsible for Chernobyl and Stephanie Meyer.

I, of course, had no hand in any of those things, but I was ready to say anything to get it to stop."

Now that's a review.

- That's a bit harsh.

- But he's right.

This has got to be the worst movie you've ever brought us.

- So the critics didn't like it.

- Neither did the audiences.

Let me recap.

It was filmed in 1972, but not released until 1978.

- Right?

That checks out chief.

- I've asked you this many times over the years and I will ask it again.

What does it mean when a company holds a movie for six years?

- That it's not a very good movie.

- That's the first sensible thing you've ever said.

- You know, six years is a long time to hold a movie.

- Yep.

And after watching this one, I'm gonna need a six year nap recover.

Folks, let's get back to the movie one reviewer called "The worst thing in human history" here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(uptempo rock music) - Where's everybody at?

- I guess they're all staying indoors.

With all these killings.

- [Patron] A lot of guts, huh?

- It's really been bad for business.

(upbeat rock music) ♪ I know in my heart ♪ ♪ That you're always true ♪ ♪ But I know in my mind ♪ ♪ That you're feeling blue ♪ ♪ I've been working up all the hope ♪ ♪ A tramp steamer ♪ ♪ It's time to go ♪ ♪ And we're driving ever changing ♪ ♪ And we're driving ever riding ♪ ♪ Maybe someday ♪ ♪ I'll return to you ♪ ♪ And then we'll start anew ♪ ♪ I'm comin' back to you, baby ♪ ♪ Maybe someday ♪ ♪ Maybe someday ♪ ♪ Maybe someday, maybe someday ♪ (eerie electronic warbling) (suspenseful electronic music) (objects clattering) (suspenseful electronic music) (object clatters) (suspenseful electronic music) (monster groans) (suspenseful music) (man knocks) - Mayor Wicker?

- That's right.

- Hi, Mayor.

My name is Benjamin Zachary.

Could I talk with you a minute?

- Sure, come on in.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Zachary?

- Well, this is going to sound a little strange, Mayor.

I'm from over in Hartford County, and I work at the Garrett Observatory there.

- Oh sure, I'm somewhat familiar with that.

- Anyway, two nights ago, I observed a small meteorite that did enter the atmosphere.

I tracked it down as much as possible, and it seemingly hit the earth.

Well, by my estimation, it hit somewhere on the north side of your town.

- A meteor?

- Yes, that's why I came here.

I'm somewhat of an adventurer.

I've dedicated my life to the study and research of strange phenomena.

- Bigfoot and all that, huh?

- Well, I guess when you come down to it, Mayor, I'm one of those people who believe there are unknown life forms.

Both here on Earth and in other worlds.

In fact, that's why I began working at the observatory.

- Hm, this meteor.

Nobody around here reported seeing or hearing anything.

- Well, I don't doubt that.

It hit, that is, if it really did hit, around four in the morning.

And like I said, it was very small to begin with.

No, I'd say that it hit around eight to 10 miles out in the hills, so it's not likely that anybody would've seen it in the first place.

- Sounds a little wild, a meteor landing here.

- Maybe landing.

Now, that's why I looked you up.

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be poking around these hills for a couple of days if that's all right with you.

- Of course it's all right with me.

I suppose I should warn you, Mr. Zachary, there's some sort of vicious animal loose around here.

Several of our citizens have been killed in the past few days.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

I'd like to know more about these killings if you don't mind.

Maybe I can help somehow.

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

You see, I've got this pretty big business venture cooking for this town.

Involves a huge entertainment complex being built right outside of Perry Hill.

And these killings, bad publicity, you know what I mean.

- How the hell is he gonna help, Burt?

That's all I need is another untrained person running around in those woods.

I don't care what he says, Burt.

Do you know for a fact this man is trained for this kind of thing?

I, no, it's not like you to take to a stranger so easily, Burt.

And this guy sounds like a crackpot to me.

But you're the boss.

No way, no.

You take him out to the North Ridge area.

I'm not, you can fire me if you want, but I'm not gonna take this guy on a wild goose chase.

Yeah.

Yeah, goodbye.

- What was that all about?

- Aw, some guy named Zachary wandered into town, and somehow he convinced the mayor that there might be a meteor, right?

A meteor landed up on the north ridge.

- [Pete] A meteor, I didn't hear anything about it.

- Nobody did.

But this guy Zachary says that it landed about four in the morning a few days ago.

- How does he know?

- The guy works over at the Garrett Observatory.

That place over in Hartford County?

Burt seems to think that he can help us with the killings.

They're going out to look for the meteor tomorrow.

Damn fools.

They'll probably kill themselves up there in all that snow.

- Folks, welcome back.

Remember I tried to get away tonight.

I wanted to leave.

I could be somewhere else taking it easy, maybe having a nice snack or a nice libation.

But instead I decided to sacrifice myself and stay.

I wanted to help you all through this godawful movie.

- I keep hoping it's gonna get better.

- It's not going to.

This movie is a vortex of misery and sadness, a blight on everything it touches.

- The town in this movie, boss.

It's a real town.

- Yeah.

- Is the town still standing or did it evaporate after the movie was filmed?

Where in blazes did they make this movie?

- Perry Hall?

- No, no, not, not who, not who, where?

- It was filmed in Perry Hall, Maryland.

- Was anything else ever filmed there?

You would think that Perry Hall city fathers would've learned their lesson after this one.

- You'd think so, but believe it or not other films have been made in Perry Hall.

1988's "Hairspray" filmed scenes at Perry Hall High School.

- Hard to believe a town like that has a high school.

- It has a fine high school.

Tanya Walker who had roles on both "One Life to Live" and "General Hospital" graduated from Perry Hall High.

The Perry Hall Gators were state champions in girls soccer in 2019.

And besides a man who never made it past middle school shouldn't really be critiquing schools.

- Good point.

But boss, boss, tell me how do movies pick which towns they want to a film in?

- Well, usually it's a combination of things.

Primarily movie companies look for places that suit the nature and scope of the movie.

- What, huh?

- For example, if you're making a movie about the beach, you would wanna find a town near a beach and not one in the Rocky Mountains.

- I'm beginning to get the idea.

So if you wanted to make a movie about a man in a mask mining for gold in the desert- - You'd pick a town in Nevada and not a town in Vermont.

And before you ask, we are not gonna go out to the desert to film a movie about the lost Sapo mind.

- Oh, oh, well, of course.

Mittens, return all them donkeys and get our deposit back.

I got it.

You pick the town based on what you are trying to do in the movie.

- I mean more or less.

- So how did this town get chosen?

- The director lived nearby.

He set the town close by so he wouldn't have to drive too far, I guess.

- Speaking of driving, it must have cost a fortune to ship all these actors from Hollywood to Barry Hall.

- Perry Hall.

These aren't Hollywood actors.

These are folks found here and there.

- Boss, I was taking care of the guy in the basement's pet cockatoo.

And I found the casting ad for this movie on the bottom of the cage.

It must have been an a in the local paper or something.

Maybe it was part his collection.

It says, let me read this to you, it says, "Wanted, butt-ugly men to start in bad movie, no money, but all the beer you can drink."

- You really have brought us a bad movie full of bad people.

In fact, in fact... - What are you looking at, boss?

Is everything okay?

Is there something I can do?

- There's nothing you can do.

I was just thinking about something.

It occurred to me no one has successfully watched this entire film in one sitting since 1986.

The US military used it as a training exercise.

Commandos had to watch this entire movie before graduating from commando school.

Only 8% of the soldiers were able to make it to the end of the movie.

- What happened to the other 70% of the fellas?

- They all wound up in mental hospitals.

It's sad really.

Men who completed the toughest military training on the planet were unable to make it through this movie.

I hope you're really happy with yourself tonight, Sapo.

If you make it to the end of this movie, I don't know how you're gonna look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.

Assuming the mental hospital has a mirror.

- I'm sorry.

I really thought I had found a good movie.

- Nope.

- Well, it's got a good idea for a story.

- What does that even mean?

- I mean, think about it.

There's some kind of monster killing people.

The cops are worried about it.

The mayor wants to keep it quiet so it doesn't hurt businesses.

- That's the plot for "Jaws".

- No, no, it's the plot for this movie.

- It very well could be.

I wasn't paying attention, but it's definitely the plot of "Jaws".

- Maybe "Jaws" stole the plot of this movie.

- Maybe so, Sapo, maybe so.

- Are you okay, boss?

You don't seem yourself.

You don't look so good.

You didn't used to look like that.

- (sighing) This movie's gotten to me.

It's just worn me out.

I wonder how much a doctor would charge to put me in a medically-induced coma.

I could use a six-month nap.

- Oh, not me, boss.

I've never been one to nap or rest while the sun is shining.

You know, I only sleep 37 minutes a day.

- Sapo, you are the laziest... Nevermind.

Folks, let's get back to the soul-crushing, life-draining sponge that is "The Alien Factor" here on "Nightmare Theatre".

(gentle electronic music) - From what you told me, it's out there about three or four miles.

- And we've got to go by foot from here, huh?

- Right, there's no roads back there.

It's pretty rough terrain, mostly hills and gullies.

(suspenseful electronic music) What in God's name is that?

- Well, it looks like my meteor is a space craft of some kind.

Come on, Mayor, let's take a closer look.

(suspenseful electronic music) - Mr. Zachary, I have to admit, that's one hell of a sight.

- Yes, it is.

Do you have any idea what this means, Mayor Wicker?

- No, and I'm not sure I wanna know.

- Wait a minute.

(electronic warbling) That noise.

- What noise?

Zachary, Zachary.

Where are you going?

What's wrong?

Where the hell do you think you're going?

- Quiet.

(electronic warbling) - God, what's that?

- Mayor, please.

It's trying to communicate with me.

(electronic warbling) (electronic warbling) - Are you all right?

What happened?

What was all that about?

The blue light?

- Look, I'll explain later.

We've gotta get outta here fast.

That thing is going to explode!

(discordant electronic music) (explosion booms) - Space ships?

Creatures?

What're you trying to feed us here?

- Jack, would you just listen?

- So when I knelt over the creature, my mind went momentarily blank, and then I was aware of a bright blue light.

Then, thoughts began to enter my mind.

It wasn't really as though someone was talking to me, but I knew that these thoughts were there.

The creature communicating with me was apparently transporting zoological specimens back to his home planet.

Now I know that he had three creatures that were captured in various parts of the galaxy, but something went wrong with his space craft, and he was forced down to Earth.

When the ship crashed, the alien was mortally wounded, and the electronic screens holding the specimens were deactivated, and the specimens were freed.

(suspenseful electronic music) Those creature specimens have obviously been killing your townspeople.

Now, I know that the creatures are air breathers, or at least two of them are, and those two are basically non-thinking animal forms.

They're probably on the offensive in a strange environment striking anything that moves.

But the alien communicated that the third specimen is a clever-thinking creature and the killer.

The only thing I know about that third creature is that it's hard to detect in bright light.

I assume it must be some sort of an energy being.

And that's it.

That's all I know.

The alien died, I guess, and the thoughts stopped right after it communicated that the spaceship was about to explode.

- You really expect us to believe all that?

- Jack, believe him.

I was there, it happened.

I saw it!

Well, Mr. Zachary, what do you suggest we do?

I guess we should call in the Army on something like this.

- Not necessarily, Mayor.

I have a lot of equipment with me.

And since this sort of thing is in my field, I think I can stop the creatures.

- With what?

I thought bullets didn't have any effect on these creatures.

- Conventional weapons may not work, Ms. Martin.

But like I said, I do have some special equipment.

- Burt, you can do what you like, but these creatures have now killed several people, and I think the smartest thing we can do is evacuate the town, then call in the government.

Let them take care of it.

- Mr. Zachary, I'll give you a couple days.

If you can kill these creatures, fine.

If you can't, we'll have to take the sheriff's advice.

- Very well, Mayor.

I'll get started right now.

- Jack, I want you to give Mr. Zachary all the help you can.

- Thank you, Mayor, but I would prefer to work alone on this.

That's the way I function best.

- Oh, whatever you think, Mr. Zachary.

The sheriff will probably be better off watching the home front anyway.

Well, Jack.

Keep on the alert for anyone calling in.

If you need me, I'll be down at Luke's.

- I'm going on patrol.

I'll see ya later.

- Poor Jack.

I think the mayor's making a terrible mistake.

- Yeah, I know.

I'm so sick of looking at dead bodies, I'm ready to leave town now.

- And like you said Edie, bullets don't have any effect on 'em.

I wonder how Zachary's gonna kill the creatures.

- What other ways are there?

- I don't know.

Bombs, gas?

- Fire, maybe he could burn 'em?

- Hm, fire, huh?

Well, I better get back to my office.

I'll see you two later.

(dramatic electronic music) (dramatic electronic music) (Edie screams) - Edie, Edie, calm down!

It's me, Steven.

- You almost scared me to death!

- Well, I'm sorry, but what are you doing out here anyway?

- I don't know.

Pete said the fire would kill the creatures, so I brought some gas.

Well, I guess it was a stupid idea, but I just don't trust that Zachary.

There's something about him I just don't like.

- Yeah, he's an oddball, all right.

Hey you know that gasoline idea of yours might not be too bad.

You bring any matches?

- Yeah, I got mine here.

Hey you haven't told me what you're doing out here.

- Same thing as you, I guess.

I just can't sit still knowing those creatures are running around loose.

(suspenseful electronic music) (Edie screams) (electronic warbling) (electronic beeping) (triumphant electronic music) - [Edie] Zachary.

- Yes, me.

You realize, of course, that you almost ruined my chances of getting at this creature, don't you?

Don't you?

- Then you killed it.

How?

- It was simple enough to figure out.

This is a hard-shelled insect form.

Since bullets didn't penetrate it, I knew a different approach was needed.

I've got a high-frequency speaker over there.

In effect, what I did was use an extremely high-pitched sound to burst its shell.

- What's that needle for?

- I've extracted some fluid from the joint of this thing's claw.

I'm sure it'll be the same poison found in several of the victims.

- Good thing you were here, Zachary.

- Well let me tell you something.

I don't appreciate you two coming out here.

I almost had this thing coaxed into the sound field when you two showed up and almost distracted it.

Fortunately, you lured it back into my range.

Look, I specifically said I wanted to work alone.

Perhaps now you can see my reasoning.

- Look Mr. Zachary, despite what the mayor says, I have a right as a reporter to be out here, too.

- Rights don't matter in a situation like this, Miss Martin.

Now look, you either let me handle this in my own way, or you go call in your army.

But I think I have proven right here and now that I'm capable of dealing with these creatures.

(suspenseful electronic music) - All right, Mr. Zachary, we'll play the game your way.

I apologize for the intrusion.

(dramatic electronic music) (thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - So when I was over in England last year, I asked him for a biscuit and some guy brought me a cookie.

- He didn't put butter or jelly or anything on it?

- No.

And they brought me a cookie, I don't know.

Oh, oh, here he is, the curator here.

Hello again, folks and welcome back down to the sub sub sub sub-basement of the television studio.

We're here with the mysterious curator from the Merrill Movie Museum, and he's brought us something today.

What is this?

- It's a Roomba.

- Today we've got a good old fashioned flying saucer, just like they used to make in the old movies.

But this is not from that old of a movie.

This doesn't go back to like the Ed Wood era, the 1950s of the- - Thank goodness.

- Flying saucer panic movies.

This goes to the '80s.

- '80s.

- Which might be just as bad.

But this is from the movie "My Stepmother is an Alien".

Comedy film starring Dan Akroyd, Kim Basinger, Seth Green, and Allison Hannigan, both before they came together on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

And in the movie, the stepmother that was the alien was Kim Basinger's character.

And she came to Earth in this spaceship.

And this was actually a really great model that was put together that did all kinds of cool things in the film, and unfortunately no longer does, but you can see all of these wires that are attached to it.

Some of them would've gone to power it.

It lit up, it actually had a little gas nozzle so they could shoot gas, it looked like the exhaust was coming through.

And you can kind of see, if you pick up the ship, you would've seen, first of all, you would've seen this bottom as it was landing, (imitating whooshing) But underneath that bottom is all of the electronics they needed.

So that would glow via the lights that you see in there.

There'd be gas nozzles that would shoot out.

There's some lights on the front.

So this wasn't just like the old school pie pans that they used to do back in the day.

But obviously wouldn't exist if that kind of stuff didn't exist, was very much modeled on that kind of thing.

And then they'd have a pole that they could suspend it from.

They can move it around against a green screen.

- And if you hooked up hook up this to an analog TV, you can actually get channel 57.

It's really very nice.

So that was obviously a comedy.

So is there kind of a different feel to that?

Like how they build the props?

Would they build something that's maybe a little more whimsical for a movie like that than they would for say like a "Star Wars" movie or a "Star Trek" movie?

- Sometimes they would, there are some comedy science fiction films that take the science fiction part very seriously, like a movie like "Galaxy Quest".

A lot of the ships in that looked very much like a "Star Trek"-y kind of ship because that movie was parodying "Star Trek".

Again, this kind of models on the classic alien flying saucer kind of deal, but you get things like "Spaceballs", where the ships were, you know- - Ridiculous.

- You had Winnebago and a vacuum cleaner, were the ships.

So, you know, just depends on the sensibility of the film.

There are comedic films that do want to come across very seriously on the face.

And then there are those that are just goofy.

And there's some outright goofy stuff in this film.

There's also, she had a purse with an eye that would come outta the purse, look around and be like, kind of her spy, which we actually have that eye in the collection too, which is an interesting piece too.

That's, you know, again, getting into the more whimsical side of things.

- Right.

- But, you know, they really had some great effects work on this from the Grant McCune studio, that did all of these things.

And Grant McCune, of course first became famous for "Jaws".

- Right.

He did a lot of stuff in the '70s that really pushed his name out there and got him up.

And of course, "Jaws", a classic.

So how have things changed?

You know, obviously we don't see this kind of stuff as much anymore.

We see more digital effects now.

They probably, if they had that in the 1980s, they probably would've never built this.

They probably would've done digital effects, right?

- [Curator] Yeah.

In a current film that isn't a "Star Wars" film, this would've almost certainly been CGI.

There's some films that again, do take the time and the care because they want to have that real feel to it.

But it's uncommon these days.

- Yeah, it's much cheaper to do it on a computer with a guy working on a computer to put it together than it is to try to build a model and create something these days, which is, again, something that I think is a lost art, is becoming a lost art, is the model-making and the practical effects.

I think they really do look fantastic on film and give that sense of reality that sometimes we miss with CGI and we, you know, and luckily we've come a long way.

We don't have Jar Jar Binks anymore, but we are getting some much better looking things on screen, but still the practical effects you can't go wrong.

So again, thank you for bringing us such a beautiful piece from your collection.

And we're gonna get back to the movie here on "Nightmare Theatre".

- I still think we can market this as a vacuum cleaner.

- Yo, this is Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, and you're watching "Nightmare Theatre".

Right?

Right.

- Hi, Pete.

- Ah, Mary Jane, how are you?

- I'm a lot better now, thanks.

- It's good to see you up and around.

I know you've been through a lot.

- I was on my way to Mayor Wicker's house to thank him for helping, and I just wanted to stop by and say hi.

- Well, I'm glad you did.

Now you take care of yourself, okay?

- I will.

I'll see you later, Pete.

- Okay.

(dramatic electronic warbling) (objects clattering) (suspenseful electronic music) (Burt screams) (suspenseful music) (creature groans) (dramatic electronic music) (tires screeching) - Mary Jane!

Mary Jane, what's wrong?

- I should've, nothing, maybe I can't get it!

They mayor's dead, he's killed the mayor!

(Mary Jane screams) (creature groans) (engine revs) (engine revs) Sheriff, it's coming!

(engine revs) - [Jack] Pete, Pete!

Answer quickly!

- What's wrong, Sheriff?

- I need help!

Get out to the mayor's place fast!

(creature growling) (Mary Jane screaming) (creature growling) (Mary Jane screaming) - Mary Jane, lock the door behind me.

(suspenseful electronic music) (gun fires) (creature groans) (gun fires) (horn honks) (creature growling) (gun fires) (creature groans) (dart zings) (suspenseful electronic music) - Well, it looks like you saved the day again, Zachary.

- Well, I hadn't planned it that way.

- I came here to talk to the mayor.

- And by the way, where is the mayor?

- He's dead, behind the garage.

(dramatic music) - Well, this thing won't kill anything else, that's for sure.

- Yes, speaking of that, what did you use to kill it?

- It's a specially-designed weapon I devised myself.

It fires a projectile placed at the tip, in this case, a hypodermic needle, which injects fluid upon impact with the target.

Actually, that giant insect I killed last night helped kill this creature.

- What do you mean?

- Remember that poison I extracted?

- Yeah.

- Well, that's the same poison I shot into this creature.

When the doctor said how lethal the poison found in the victims was, I reasoned that it might be lethal enough to kill one of these other creatures.

It was a gamble, but it paid off.

(dramatic electronic music) - [Pete] Thinkin' about the mayor, Sheriff?

- Well, I guess a little bit.

That and everything else that's happened.

It's been like a crazy nightmare.

(phone rings) Pete, will you get that for me?

I don't really feel like talkin'.

- Sheriff's office.

Uh, just a minute.

Did you put in a call to a Mr. Dodds at the Garrett Observatory?

- Yeah, my call about Zachary.

Hello, Mr. Dodds.

Sheriff Cinder, yes.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I talked to your secretary yesterday.

Uh-huh.

Benjamin Zachary.

Oh, I see.

Well, no, we'll handle it.

Look, thank you very much, Mr. Dodds.

Okay, goodbye.

My hunch was right.

They never heard of a Mr. Zachary at the Garrett Observatory.

(suspenseful electronic music) - Well, hello and welcome back.

This movie is indeed a sorry spectacle, isn't it?

- It ain't a happy sight, that's for sure.

- The whole movie is like a big cage of depression and sadness.

Once you're in, there's no way out.

- Boss, I noticed there are a lot and I mean a lot of shots of beer cans and beer related products in this movie.

These people sure do seem to enjoy doing some drinking.

- Well, they probably had to stay drunk to make it through to the end of this movie.

Lord knows I could use a nip of courage right now.

- Really?

So are saying you're in the mood for a drink?

- Wait, why are you asking?

- Oh, I don't know.

I just saw a lot of drinking in this movie.

And then there's that scene in the bar?

Looks like a lot of people enjoy going to bars.

- No, no, no.

You're not opening a bar or a pub, a juke joint, a gin mill, the regal beagle or anything like that.

Nothing, nothing.

Do you hear me?

Nothing.

Besides, you know, my lips have never touched alcohol.

- Use a straw, right?

- No, I'm as pure as the driven snow on Christmas morning.

- Oh, boss, I wasn't thinking of opening a bar or anything like that.

There's no way I could get a liquor license after what happened in Detroit.

- Amen to that.

- I was just wondering if you felt like, you know, just a little something to cut the trail dust and perk you back up.

It doesn't have to be hooch or booze.

- Well, may, no, no stop right there.

I don't want to hear anything about you making a beer based on tonight's movie.

- I didn't.

- Or a whiskey or a rum or tequila or anything else?

- No.

Not me boss, nothing alcohol-related at all.

I don't go around making crazy products every day in my life.

It's not like I see some scene in a bad movie and I get a crazy idea.

I was just wondering out loud.

- (sighing) okay.

It's good then, that's good.

Surprising tonight, yes, but good.

- I didn't make any intoxicating beverages.

- And no coffee, colas or energy drinks or anything like that.

I've had enough of your tomfoolery.

- Boss, I didn't make anything.

- Well, well, well good.

Well, I guess we can get back to the movie.

- Boss, I didn't make anything but Mittens did.

Mittens, let me see that bottle.

- No, no, no.

- Too late, too late.

Folks, in the middle of a bad movie, do you ever feel the need for a pick me up?

You know what I mean, folks, sometimes we all need that little top, that little bump to get us through films like this one.

What do you need when you're down and out and you wanna be up and in, what do you reach for when you're chasing that dragon but you just can't seem to catch the tail.

What turns all frowns upside down?

- What, what are you talking about?

- I mean, Mittens has got the cure for the bad movie blues all in a nice to hold jug.

- I don't think this is a good idea.

- Oh, sure it is.

Folks, every bottle of Mittens Magikal Mistery Tonik contains 80% of your daily requirement of vitamin M. - Vitamin M?

- Yes, sir.

Vitamin M, that magical maniacal Mittens mixture that makes everything better.

- What is in that bottle?

- I can't betray a confidence.

It's a secret formula that Mittens developed when he was hacking in the Peruvian Outback during his time in the Peace Corps.

- So it's got South American herbs in it.

Did he collect them in a rainforest?

Is the water from the Amazon River?

Maybe this is healthier than I thought it would be.

- Well, no it's stuff he collected from a dumpster and a horse trough at a gas station in Machu Pichu.

But it is jam packed with just what you need to get through bad movies.

- You wanna wrap this up?

- Every sip is like taking a mystical trip over a waterfall on a jungle river and a broken barrel straight over the waterfall.

- That doesn't sound good.

- I'm not saying there isn't a potential downside or crippling crash, but no matter what happens, no matter where you wake up after finishing the bottle, no matter what you have to explain to a judge, no matter how much you have to apologize to friends and family, you won't remember the movie.

By the time you stagger back, the movie will be for, probably for weeks.

- So the drink calms you down so much, you wake up days later?

- Or weeks or months.

- Oh man.

That's very tempting, Sapo.

Very tempting.

- Well, if you want a jug- - No, no, I'm a professional.

And I'm gonna see this through.

It's got to be almost over.

It's been on for like what, four hours?

Folks, let's see how this awful thing ends.

(suspenseful electronic music) (suspenseful electronic music) (creature roars) (creature roars) (creature roars) (creature roars) (creature roars) (creature roars) (creature roars) (somber electronic music) - Mr. Zachary, are you all right?

- You certainly are persistent, Miss Martin.

- That thing you were fighting, where'd it go?

Is it dead?

- It's quite dead.

Your town is safe again now.

- What kind of ungodly being was that?

- It's called a leemoid, Miss Martin.

And it's a devilish creature capable of withdrawing the very life force out of other beings.

The same creature responsible for that aged corpse that none of you could figure out.

- I'm getting confused.

If it can take the life out of others, why couldn't it kill you?

- Oh, I have my own protective force against the leemoid, although it did weaken me.

- I don't understand.

You keep referring to it as though you know it.

- No, stop, that's close enough.

- Why, what's wrong?

I'm surprised you haven't figured it out.

I am an alien, too.

That space craft was en route to my planet.

The cargo, of course, were the three creatures who've been terrorizing your town.

They were zoological specimens captured on distant worlds and being brought back to my world for study.

Unfortunately, the craft malfunctioned and crashed here.

I was sent to intercede with as little spectacle as possible.

- I still don't understand.

You're human like us and you speak English.

- Humanoid, Edie, but not like your people.

Our technology is extremely advanced.

I was able to manufacture a disguise, and I learned your language through telepathy.

- Why are you hiding back there in the shadows?

- The leemoid destroyed my earthly disguise, and although we are a peaceable race, to you, I would look horrible.

- I wanna see what you look like.

- No, please!

(suspenseful electronic music) (Edie sobs and screams) Edie, look out!

- No, Jack, no!

(gun fires) It was Zachary, Jack, it was Zachary.

He wasn't gonna hurt me.

(sobs) (midtempo electronic music) - And we are done.

Thank goodness that movie's over.

- I gotta admit I was kind of getting into it near the end.

That movie had me on the edge of my seat.

- Yeah, had me on the edge of a cliff.

- I was kind of enjoying it.

- Now were ya?

- I like that guy near the end, that big, tall monster with the furry legs.

He looked exactly like my Aunt Francis.

- You mean Uncle Francis?

- No, I mean, my aunt, he looks just like my aunt.

- I'm just gonna leave that there.

I've seen enough pictures of your family to believe ya.

What do we have on tap for next week, Sapo?

- We have this, boss.

(thunder crashing) (light organ music) (man groaning) - Clement, it's time now.

Your uncle is no longer useful to us.

- All right, finish it.

(man groaning) (ominous music) - No, no!

(thunder crashing) - It was heart failure.

We all expected it for some time, but it still comes as a shock.

I've been your father's attorney for some years and until a few weeks ago, I didn't even know he had a son.

- Well, that's not surprising.

I was small and my mother was sick a lot and I spent most of my time with relatives.

(thunder crashing) - Forces of evil, powers of darkness, beings of the other side, we ask that henceforth the curse lying on the Glasgow family be the burden of the eldest son.

(ominous music) (thunder crashing) - Oh my, my, my.

- Well, that one looks amazing.

- It's not.

El Sapo?

- Yeah, boss.

- How many bottles of that drink Mittens brewed do we have on hand?

- We got about maybe 12, I think.

- Get them please.

- Well, boss, you shouldn't drink more than one.

12 might put you in a coma for decades.

- I'm not gonna to drink it.

You are.

Folks, I'm about to administer 120,000 milliliters of justice to El Sapo.

So until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music)