In late Victorian London lived many detectives who were the rivals of Sherlock Holmes.

[ Footsteps approaching ] [ Bell tolling ] Gotcha.

[ Laughs ] Sergeant Hawkins.

Just my little joke.

Very amusing.

-Are you coming in?

-If I may.

"Literary agent."

That always makes me laugh.

Indeed.

I don't suppose you'd know an author if you saw one.

How are things in the private-detective business?

Private.

And what, in its infinite wisdom, does the Criminal Investigation Department suspect me of being involved in?

Oh, we're not after you.

That makes a change.

Uh, not this time.

May I offer you some refreshment?

Oh!

Ooh, you're on duty.

Well, to the tell you the truth, I don't rightly know.

Shall we give you the benefit of the doubt?

Port or brandy?

I wouldn't say nay to a drop of port.

There.

Cheers.

Here!

It's just my little joke.

Do sit down.

[ Clock ticking ] Well, then.

Have you ever heard of a fellow called Henry Jacobs?

Henry Jacobs?

I can't say I have, no.

Alias Newton Weeks, alias Alfred Tombs?

A confidence trickster.

-You have heard of him, then?

-No.

Then how did you know that he was a -- Well, it's obvious.

Why should he need so many names?

Oh.

Oh, well, you're quite right.

Good.

Yes, well, he is a con man.

We've done him a couple of times.

Selling dud shares under the name of Weeks.

That was the last one.

Well, he came out a while back, laid low for a bit, and sure enough up he pops again under the name of Henry Jacobs.

Got his girlfriend, Doris, in with him and all, Doris Pratt.

Doris Pratt.

What's his game this time?

Patent medicines.

He runs a mail-order business from an office in the city, calls it the Assyrian Rejuvenator Company.

He has an ear for a phrase, I must say.

Take a look at that, then.

-Is this one of his handouts?

-Oh, they're all over town.

Mm, a trifle crude for my taste, but doubtless effective.

Well, I ask you.

The Assyrian Rejuvenator -- eternal youth.

I mean, he's got to be crooked, hasn't he?

Well, it certainly looks it.

It stands to reason.

Trouble is, though, we can't put the finger on him.

You amaze me!

Well, people won't complain.

For fear of being made to look foolish?

Yeah, I reckon that's it.

But until somebody does, we can't get no evidence against him.

Concrete evidence.

That's what we want.

And what makes you think that I can provide it?

Well, you know what they say.

Set a thief to catch a thief.

I must say I resent that.

Well, I'll put it another way, then.

Please do.

Seeing that I'm in the public service, as you might say, there are rules and regulations I can't get 'round.

You can.

You're not asking me to break the law, surely, Sergeant?

I wouldn't do such a thing.

But if you was to bend it a little, well, uh, let us say we might be inclined to overlook one or two, uh, irregularities that have come to our attention.

Mm.

That is, if we were to get our man.

Mm.

Which is not to say that I shan't be keeping an eye on you so we won't have you taking any liberties at our expense, if you don't mind.

You can be very hurtful at times, Sergeant.

Well, just so's we understand one another.

And what's in it for me?

There's people being gypped.

Alas, I am not a philanthropic society.

Well, there's a party.

Um, let us say a friend of a friend.

Now, this party might be willing to pay something if a means were found of getting the said party recompensed.

And the name of the party of the first part?

Miss Suzie Shepherd.

An entertainer, if I'm not mistaken.

Playing Collins Music Hall.

[ "Father's Footsteps" plays ] ♪ To dinner up in town last night I went ♪ ♪ And Pa went there, as well ♪ ♪ How many lemonades we had ♪ ♪ My word, I really couldn't tell ♪ ♪ At 2:00 a.m. Pa started off for home like this ♪ ♪ And so did I ♪ ♪ Folks said, "Mind where you're going" ♪ ♪ But I simply made reply ♪ ♪ "I'm following in Father's footsteps ♪ ♪ I'm following me dear old dad ♪ ♪ He's wobbling on in the front, you see ♪ ♪ Upon my word, he's worse than me ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ I don't know where he's going ♪ ♪ But when he gets there, I'll be glad ♪ ♪ I'm following in Father's footsteps, yes ♪ ♪ I'm following me dear old dad ♪ [ Finale plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] Hello there.

Pringle?

Never heard of him.

-Here, what's he like?

-Well, I -- Ah, well, we can't be fussy, can we?

All right, show him in.

All right.

Bette?

What's the house like tonight, ducks?

Oh, not bad.

Showing.

[ Applause ] [ Up-tempo music playing ] [ Knock on door ] Just a minute.

Come in.

She's ready for you now, sir.

Hello, duckie.

-Enjoying the show?

-Uh, yes, indeed.

Any fan of mine's a friend of mine.

[ Applause in distance ] Oh, aren't you the one?

All the same, I can't have supper with you, duckie.

Not tonight.

I'm promised.

My misfortune, ma'am.

Give a girl of bit of notice, though, and perhaps another time.

I live in hopes.

Get on with you.

As a matter of fact, it was Sergeant Hawkins who suggested I call.

God's truth, you're not a copper, are you?

No.

You haven't got the feet for it.

Thank you.

So, what are you on about?

Sergeant Hawkins seemed to think that you had some sort of problem.

I've got plenty, duckie.

Which particular one did you have in mind?

From what I could gather, it concerned a friend of yours and some trouble with the Assyrian Rejuvenator Company?

Oh, that.

No?

Come to think of it, I did mention it to Sergeant Hawkins.

Do you work with him?

I seem to get involved in cases that he can't handle.

You'll be busy, then.

Quite.

What it is, see, there's this old boy, name of Sandstream.

Sandstream.

Colonel, retired.

Well, he's as old as God, but, well, he's took like a shine to me.

And he's around here most nights with flowers and presents and things.

I can imagine.

The thing is, he's a silly old fool, really.

I mean, he's old enough to have more sense.

But, well, he's forked out God knows how much on this blessed Rejuvenator.

Thanks, Bette.

Well, it didn't do him a scrap of good, of course.

I could have told him.

Only I can't help but feel sort of responsible.

He's done it to like, well, spruce himself up for me, see?

And now they won't give him his money back.

Well, it's not right, is it?

Mind you, he's an handful enough as it is.

Private dining rooms and drinking champagne out of my slippers and everything.

To tell you the truth, the last thing I want is him any more full of beans.

But still, it's not right, is it, to take all that money and not pay it back?

I mean, he's got his pride, if nothing else.

Yes, well, I can't promise anything, but you have my card.

Why don't you ask the Colonel to call 'round and see me?

We'll see if there isn't some way of handling things... discreetly.

Would you really?

My pleasure.

That's ever so kind of you.

-[ Knock on door ] -Oh, God, I'm on.

Look, I'd ask you to stop and watch, only I'm expecting the Colonel, and he's as jealous as they come.

We don't want to get off on the wrong foot, do we?

You and him?

Any of us.

What's your price?

I'm sure we can come to some... mutually satisfactory arrangement.

I shouldn't wonder.

Well, pop in when you're passing.

I'll do that.

Ta-ta for now, duckie.

[ "The Boy I Love Is Up in the Gallery" playing ] ♪ I'm a young girl and have just come over ♪ ♪ Over from the country where they do things big ♪ ♪ And amongst the boys I've got a lover ♪ Charming girl, Colonel.

Do I know you, sir?

Not yet.

Good night.

SUZIE: ♪ ...up in the gallery ♪ ♪ The boy I love is looking down at me ♪ ♪ There he is, can't you see?

♪ ♪ A-waving off his handkerchief ♪ ♪ As merry as a robin that sings on a tree ♪ [ Clock ticking ] That's friar's balsam.

China clay.

[ Knock on door ] Ah, Pringle?

Yes.

[ Clears throat ] Sandstream, Colonel.

Uh, won't you come in?

Mm-hmm.

[ Exhaling quickly ] [ Clears throat ] Eh, late of Probyn's Horse.

It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Colonel.

Well, I'm afraid I can't say the same.

However, Miss Shepherd seemed to think you may be able to help me with this wretched business.

As I said, I can't promise anything.

Oh, obviously.

Do you have that letter?

-From those infernal scoundrels?

-Yes.

I certainly do.

May I see it?

There, sir!

Did you ever see the like?

"Money back if not entirely satisfied."

That's what they send with every packet of their useless muck.

Lying hounds.

They seem to be relying upon the fact that you misused the preparation.

Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another.

At first they said it was because I hadn't given the blasted stuff a fair trial.

"Persevere," they said.

Ha!

Pounds and pounds I paid them.

"Should you act upon your threat to take proceedings, we must hold your good self responsible for any publicity which may follow."

"Good self," indeed.

It's blackmail.

That's what it is.

But beautifully phrased.

Well, I'm glad you appreciate it.

-May I keep this for a while?

-Why?

I may be able to call their bluff.

I have a mind to take a horsewhip to them!

Yes, well, let's hold that in reserve, shall we?

Uh, where can I find you?

My card.

Your club will know where to contact you?

Should do.

I live there.

I'll report to you as soon as I've spied out the land.

Very well.

It may take a few days, but time spent in reconnaissance is seldom wasted.

By Jove!

Not a military man, are you?

Alas, no, sir.

No.

Ah, well.

That was a bit too much to hope for.

Never mind.

[ Clears throat ] It's not the money, you understand.

It's the principle of the thing.

-Quite.

-Well, look sharp, will you?

I'll be as expeditious as I can.

What?

Oh, well, that'll have to do, I suppose, yes.

Good day.

Colonel.

[ Footsteps approaching ] Mr. Pringle's out, then?

It, uh, seems to be, yes.

Oh, I reckon I'll hang on.

Oh.

Perhaps you'd be good enough to tell him that I called.

And the name?

Parkins.

Major Parkins.

Aye, I'll tell him.

There's a good fellow.

Oh, well, there's no need for that.

Parkins?

[ Hooves clopping ] [ Door opens ] -Mr. Jacobs?

-That's right.

Of the Assyrian Rejuvenator Company?

Just going to get me dinner, old man.

My name is Parkins, Major Parkins.

Back at 2:00.

I have just come up from the country in response to your advertisement.

Got to keep body and soul apart.

Sorry.

But I have a train to catch at 2:00.

Oh, well, uh, in that case, you'd better come in, hadn't you?

Thank you.

You're most kind.

Never let it be said we turn business away.

Now, which was it you was interested in, our Pelosia Balm or the Rejuvenator?

They both, uh, sound remarkable.

They are, sir.

They are.

This way, if you please.

Yes, we've a job to keep up with the demand.

Ohh!

We count some of the proudest families in the land among our customers, and not only in this country, I can tell you.

-No?

-Bless you, no, sir.

Why, on the Continent -- I mustn't mention names, you understand.

That wouldn't be ethical.

But there's crowned heads -- oh, I don't mind telling you -- crowned heads who wouldn't be where they was, not without they partook regular of our sovereign and specific remedies.

By Jove.

By Jove it is, sir.

Uh, well, which, uh, would you, uh, recommend?

Well, that's all, um, according.

It's not for yourself, of course?

Hmm?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, of course not.

You're in the pink, as anyone might see.

For a friend, perhaps?

Uh, yes.

Hmm.

Well, then, I'd say it was a case of whether you -- your friend prefers a remedy for internal or external use.

There's nothing in the price, you see, and they both act on the same principle.

Uh, which is, uh, which is what, pray?

Well, in this way -- Oh, we don't want to blind you with science, do we?

What is it that causes the appearance of old age, would you say?

[ Stammering ] Wrinkles?

Right!

In medical terms, that is the skin losing its fullness and elastic-icity.

And what is it we know about beauty?

Well, I have no idea.

That it's skin-deep, according to the sage.

How true.

Well, that's the principle both these remedies work on.

Apply the balm.

Inhale the fumes of the Rejuvenator.

The choice is yours.

Either one will repair the ravages of old age.

And the, uh -- the, um -- the price?

Half a guinea each or, to you, a pound a pair!

I can't see fairer than that, can I?

Do you get many customers?

Oh, if I didn't have enormous sales, I'd never get it down to the price, would I?

It seems rather high to me.

No one's forcing you.

Particularly as I have established that your Assyrian Rejuvenator gives off the fumes of diluted friar's balsam.

And your balm is nothing more nor less than China clay.

You -- Who are you?

Never mind.

Oh, hang on.

They're harmless.

They are.

I must agree.

Well, is it my fault if people's gullible?

It is when you trade upon it.

I act for Colonel Sandstream.

Never heard of him.

Well, he's heard of you.

Thought he'd not want the publicity.

He doesn't.

But since you put him in a position where he has no other way of getting back the money that you've obtained from him by false pretenses -- Look here, old man, we can settle this quiet and decent.

Oh, no.

Oh, why look for trouble?

You've misjudged your victim this time.

I couldn't believe that you were as black as my client had painted you.

But having seen and heard your barefaced methods in action, I shall go straight 'round and urge the Colonel to lodge an information against you, and hang the consequences.

Hang?

We'll have the law on you in no time.

Good day, sir.

[ Door closes ] Sorry, Doris.

Follow that cab!

[ Door closes ] Oh!

You've not gone for your dinner yet, then.

[ Laughs ] One born every minute, isn't there?

Do you know how much there was in this morning's post?

50 guineas.

£52.10.

It is Doris, isn't it?

Doris Pratt?

"Who's you?"

is more to the point.

My name is Parkins.

Major Parkins.

How'd you get in here?

Henry's had to leave town for a few days.

He's asked me to keep an eye on things.

Oh.

Well, he never mentioned it to me.

Really?

Well, he's told me all about you.

Though, if I might say so, his description scarcely does you justice.

Oh.

You could be the law, for all I know.

Oh, please, even in jest.

How do I know you're telling the truth?

Honor among thieves, Doris.

Honor among thieves.

Forget that, and we are done for.

We went to the same school, Henry and me.

Which school would that be?

The school of hard knocks, near Windsor.

Alfred Tombs, Newton Weeks, Henry Jacobs, me.

Satisfied?

It'll do to be going on with.

That's the idea.

You know, I have a feeling that once we get to know each other, we're going to get on all right...you and me.

Er, um... Friar's balsam.

That's it.

[ Sniffs ] We've got him, then.

No, it's not as simple as that.

You see, Jacobs has been very careful to limit his guarantee.

Ah, but friar's balsam and mud.

In themselves are not harmful.

Indeed they may be mildly therapeutic, for all I know.

Why don't you try some?

You've been looking a bit run down these days.

I'll have you know this is no laughing matter.

No, indeed, but you see, he hasn't specifically described them as anything else.

Oh, there must be a way of nailing him.

Oh, surely, though what it is I don't yet know.

It may well be in his refusal to refund money to dissatisfied customers.

But then again, until someone's prepared to complain...

I don't like to see him getting away with it.

-He won't.

-But he is.

He has to date, I grant you.

But give him enough rope, and you may well be able to charge him with fraud and blackmail.

But go off at half cock, and he's liable to get away scot-free.

All the same, you've been at it for a week now.

Do you want me to drop the case?

There's no need to be like that.

I'm doing my best.

If you're not satisfied, you must say so.

I never said that.

Then don't stampede me.

I'm going to a great deal of trouble at your request.

Yes, which makes me wonder why.

I beg your pardon?

What's in it for you, not to put too fine a point on it?

There's a lady involved.

Oh.

It's Miss Suzie you're doing it for, is it?

Do you have proprietary rights, Sergeant?

Certainly not!

I mean, she's from our manor.

We are very proud of her, but don't you go making out that she -- I mean, I like her.

That's all.

Then kindly have the grace to allow me equal sensibility.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Oh, of course.

Oh, there was a Major Parkins here when I called 'round earlier.

-Parkins?

-Yeah.

Are you sure you have the right name?

That's what he said.

It means nothing to me.

He told me to tell you that he called.

There was something familiar about him.

Oh?

What?

I don't know.

I just had this feeling that I'd seen him before somewhere.

Parkins.

Parkins.

[ Up-tempo music playing ] Oh.

Mr. Pringle.

Pringle!

Ma'am.

Colonel.

What the devil do you think you're doing here?

I esteemed it a courtesy to inform Miss Shepherd that I had the case in hand.

Oh, that is kind.

Isn't that kind?

Yes, very.

But I should have realized that you would have told her, Colonel.

Uh, here, Pringle, are you making any progress?

Ah.

[ Clears throat ] It all seems to hinge upon the exact wording of that letter.

Mm?

I'm seeking Counsel's opinion -- in the strictest confidence, of course.

Oh?

Opinion on what?

Uh, firstly, on whether it can be construed as blackmail.

Secondly, and more important, if it can, how to proceed without involving you.

You see, the courts don't like blackmailers.

It may be possible for you to prosecute under the name of Mr. X. Mr. X, eh?

There's a thought.

Shabby business.

Still, there it is.

I've asked the advice of the best men in the field, and when we have it, we'll know better how to proceed.

I myself in the meanwhile am exploring other avenues.

So, I must ask you to possess your soul in patience, Colonel.

No sense in keep a dog and bark yourself, I suppose.

I expect Mr. Pringle knows what he's doing.

Don't you, Mr. Pringle?

I hope so.

One can but try.

SANDSTREAM: Well, I don't want to be ungrateful.

Ah.

I'm glad you mentioned that, Colonel.

SANDSTREAM: Oh?

Why?

We'll leave my fee for the moment until we've seen what I can achieve, but in the meanwhile, I -- I hardly like to mention it.

I have been involved in certain expenses.

If you could see your way clear -- Oh, how much?

Shall we say five guineas?

[ Inhales sharply ] Five guineas, eh?

[ Clears throat ] Very well.

-There.

-That's most kind of you.

Yes, I don't want to be indebted to you.

I appreciate that.

I hope to have some positive news for you shortly.

In the meanwhile, Colonel.

Ah.

Ma'am.

[ Applause ] Thanks for calling.

Five guineas.

[ Clicks tongue ] [ Door closes ] Good morning, Doris.

Morning, Major.

-How's business?

-It's not bad.

It's not bad at all.

And no sign of Henry yet?

No.

And when there is, I shall have something to say to him, believe you me.

Oh?

Why?

Well, going off like that without a word, leaving me here on my own.

Well, don't say that.

Well, it's true, isn't it?

I hoped that I might have been some small consolation to you.

Oh.

Did you?

I don't know how I would have managed without you.

Indeed, I don't want to overstep the mark, but I've greatly appreciated your company.

Oh, well.

I flattered myself that perhaps by now it wasn't altogether one-sided, hmm?

Half the time I don't know whether to believe you or not.

Believe me.

You have got a way with you, I will say.

Indeed, if Henry weren't a friend... You'll want to watch it, you know.

For all he's so smooth on top, Henry can't half cut up rough.

Is that so?

DORIS: I'm telling you.

Still, he's onto a nice little number this time, I must say.

DORIS: It can't last, though, can it?

Why not?

Oh, you lot, you're all the same.

You're like children.

'Cause somebody's going to catch up with us, that's why.

Then we move on.

Yeah, I suppose.

You know, me, I wouldn't mind settling somewhere one day.

You need a bit of capital for that.

Yeah, that's true.

We'd have it by now, too, if only we could shift that blessed Pelosia Balm.

Yes, what it needs is an angle.

Angle?

-Got it!

-What?

-Come on!

-Where?

Oh, Major, wait!

Major?

Well?

Even though I say so myself, I think it's rather lovely.

Very nice.

Charming.

-Let's have a look.

-Keep still!

There.

-What do I look like?

-Exactly right.

Oh, good.

Now we'll have another one of her like this.

If that doesn't start a run on Pelosia Balm, my name is not Parkins.

We are sticking our neck out a bit, though, aren't we?

I mean, there's no two ways about it.

That's a guarantee.

And who's going to stand up in court and admit they've been made a fool of?

Still, Henry was always most particular about not giving anything too definite.

And where did it get him?

No, let this take off, and it'll make our past profits look like pin money.

How much money have we got in the safe by now?

£288.15.

That's a lot of money to be hanging around.

What are we going to do with it?

Well, Henry always used to take it home at the end of the week.

And now he's not here.

I'll look after it, shall I?

Sorry, Doris.

Why not?

Oh, it's not that I don't trust you, you understand, but a young girl on her own, she might get set on.

It's too much of a risk to take.

Besides, I promised Henry that I would be responsible.

I can't load that onto you.

No, don't you worry about it.

I'll see to it.

Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, hmm?

What will you do with it?

Bank it, of course.

Oh, no!

No, Henry didn't hold with banks.

Why not?

Well, on account of if we was caught, that's the first place they'd look for the money.

Then we'll put it in another name.

[ Laughing ] Oh, yours, I suppose.

Now, that's not nice, Doris.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Henry's got lots of aliases.

There must be one that hasn't been rumbled yet.

Well, they haven't got nothing on him yet in the name of Frederick Winter, at least not as far as I know.

Winter.

Right.

That's where it'll be, safe as houses in the name of Winter, and earning interest, too.

You can't say I'm not looking after Henry, can you?

You certainly can't.

Now, you take this 'round to the advertising agency, I'll look after this, and I'll see you in the morning.

And don't do anything I wouldn't do, if I had the chance.

Oh, Major.

[ Bells ring ] Ah.

[ Clears throat ] Mr. Roberts?

Robarts, Mr. Pringle.

Uh, forgive me for not making an appointment.

I'm only too thankful, at long last, to have some response to my letters.

Yes, they have been rather prolific lately, haven't they?

In view of the state of your account with this bank -- That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Your overdraft standing as it does, there really is nothing to discuss.

Ah, then no doubt your competitors will be happy to look after this for me.

Look after what?

Well, I thought, in view of our long association, it should be only fair to give you first refusal.

However, if you're not interested.

I had no idea.

How much?

£288.15.

Enough to clear my overdraft and to leave a sizeable sum on deposit.

However, I'll get my new bankers to get in touch.

Oh, no!

No, please, sit down.

Um, have a cigar.

Thank you.

Would you care for a drink?

Never when I'm working.

I'll just get this counted, shall I?

I don't want to put you to any trouble.

No trouble at all, I assure you.

On the contrary.

Count this and let me have a note of the amount, quick as you can, Jones.

Well, I must say, I'm happy for you, Mr. Pringle.

I'm happy, too.

I don't want to pry, you understand, but might one inquire the source of your good fortune?

Between ourselves?

Oh, of course.

Of course.

A gamble paid off.

I didn't know you were a gambling man.

I'm not, really.

-Beginner's luck?

-You might say.

[ Pounding on door ] Have you seen this?

I shall have to start charging you rent.

Yes, the artwork's admirable, I must say.

Never mind the artwork.

You were supposed to be putting a stop to Jacobs and his tricks.

I'm doing my best.

Oh, it looks like it, doesn't it?

"Give him enough rope," was it?

He's going from strength to strength, isn't he?

[ Knocking on door ] Excuse me.

Look here, Pringle, this is going too far!

-Have you seen this?

-Yes.

Oh.

Damn blackguard.

I don't think you know Sergeant Hawkins.

-Can't say I do.

-Colonel Sandstream.

How do you do, sir?

Sergeant Hawkins is with the CID.

Oh!

I see.

I see.

Mm.

Well, I can't say I relish the thought, but I suppose I shall have to put myself in your hands from now on, won't I?

Colonel.

No, Pringle, you had your chance!

Women and children being swindled now, and I can't stand by and see that happen, can I?

It'll be an unpleasant business.

Pleasant or unpleasant, this fellow must be stopped!

I cannot shirk my duty any longer, do you see?

Let the money go and hang the consequences!

I mean to prosecute that scoundrel no matter what it costs me!

Right.

If you'd like to come down to the station and swear an information, sir.

The sooner, the better!

Aren't you forgetting something, Colonel?

My mind is made up, Pringle.

It's no use arguing.

I wouldn't dream of it.

But you have no case without that letter.

Letter?

The letter you had from Jacobs.

Blackmail, I think you said it was.

Of course.

Where is it?

With the lawyer.

Then we'll go and get it back.

Just give us his name and address.

I consulted him in confidence.

He will return that letter to no one but me.

Oh, come on, now, surely.

He's in honor bound, Colonel.

Yes, yes, I do see.

Hmm.

What's to do, then?

I'll recover it for you.

Just a minute!

We'll come with you.

Unfortunately, I have a prior engagement to keep, but it won't take long.

Then I'll retrieve your letter and meet you back here with it in shall we say an hour?

-Will that do?

-Well, it'll have to, won't it?

I'm all for striking while the iron's hot.

But we've got to have the iron, haven't we, man?

Give the fellow a chance.

Come along.

[ Sighs ] All right, we'll be back in an hour.

[ Clicks tongue ] Typical NCO.

You will have that letter back within the hour.

Uh, give or take a bit.

Don't want to spoil the ship for a hap'orth of tar, eh?

Ah!

I'm glad you said that, Colonel.

Now what?

There is a question of the lawyer's fee.

He hasn't done anything, damn it.

But he's entitled to charge for consultation.

Oh?

How much?

I couldn't offer him less than two guineas.

[ Inhales sharply ] Two guineas, eh?

Oh, well, very well.

Just get that dashed letter back, that's all.

Yes.

Thank you.

Come along, Hawkins.

[ Clears throat ] [ Bell tolling ] One hour, Sergeant.

One hour, Colonel.

Oh, no, you don't.

[ Doris crying ] You're a grave disappointment to me, Doris.

Well, that's one thing we can both agree about.

Shut your sniveling!

She really isn't to blame.

I should look after yourself if I was you.

How was I to know -- Shut it, I said.

Well, you got a nice little number going here, didn't you, Major?

I thought so.

Why put the business on its feet?

You've pulled the tone of the place, too.

I think, with all due modesty, I can say that.

"Lord" this, "lady" that.

The Belgian Embassy, even.

One gross?

I thought that was something of an accolade.

One way or another, you're a bit of wizard, aren't you?

PRINGLE: Thank you.

So, where's the money?

I banked it for you, of course.

You -- For me?

You see?

I told you -- Who's asking you?!

[ Cries ] Well, if it's still there in the bank, nobody need get hurt, need they?

Well, I'll go and get it for you.

You don't think I'm letting you out of my sight.

But you have a hostage.

[ Sniffling ] What's she to you?

Everything.

Oh, nothing.

Oh, Doris.

She's bound to deny it in the circumstances, I suppose, but we have come to mean everything to each other.

Well, you don't hang about, I will say.

You did rather leave her in the lurch, didn't you?

You could hardly blame her for accepting such small consolation as I was able to offer her.

Oh, Major.

One more word out of you, and I'll...

Right, then.

I'll be back within an hour.

You do, or else never mind about her.

She won't be worth minding about.

Then we'll come looking for you.

And when we find you, Major, which we will, what's left of you won't be fit for my Pelosia -- cat's meat.

Is that clear?

-Horribly.. -[ Crying ] Ohh!

Major.

Don't worry, Doris.

I won't let you down.

[ Doris cries ] [ Breathing heavily ] [ Clears throat ] -Colonel.

-Ah, Pringle.

Well, Pringle, have you got that letter?

Le-- I, uh -- I don't know if you're going to be pleased or sorry.

How's that?

The lawyer I consulted was so incensed by your letter that he took it upon himself to call upon the Assyrian Rejuvenator Company.

Apparently, they backed down pretty quickly.

They said that if he would return your letter, they would refund your money in full.

-Did they, by God?

-Yes.

So, acting upon his original instructions, he agreed.

So, 10 guineas.

That was the full amount you paid, wasn't it?

Yes, yes.

Good.

Now, about my fee.

Oh, yes?

Uh, normally, under the circumstances, in view of the time I have spent, I would charge 20 guineas.

[ Inhales sharply ] But as the amount involved is so small, shall we say 15?

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't hear of it.

No, dash it, I don't expect a fellow like you to subsidize me.

-Here.

10.

-10.

[ Clears throat ] [ Breathes deeply ] 20.

That's most kind of you.

[ Chuckles ] Not at all.

But do you think we ought to leave it at that?

Mean to say, don't like to think of that blackguard getting away with it.

-He won't.

-But he already has.

I don't think so.

I bumped into Sergeant Hawkins on my way back here.

I omitted to tell him that you had recovered your money.

Did you, by Jove?

Sergeant Hawkins is a man of action.

All he wants is a little encouragement.

He felt that it was time that Mr. Jacobs' activities were finally brought to a conclusion.

And I must say I agreed with him.

[ Laughs ] Hear, hear!

[ Laughs ] [ Coughs ] [ Indistinct shouting ] [ Shouting stops ] [ Hooves clopping ] PRINGLE: Sorry, Doris.

Income -- £842.2.

Expenditure -- £24.3.

Net profit -- £817.19.

[ Chuckles ] [ Knock on door ] Ah.

Sergeant.

Did you get your man, then?

-We did, yes.

-Well done.

There are one or two loose ends, though, as I'd like to clear up.

I'm at your service, Sergeant.

As always.

Jacobs says he never so much as clapped eyes on you.

[ Laughing ] Well...

He said it was a Major Parkins what set up this particularly Pelosia Balm swindle while he was away.

Parkins?

Hmm.

Well, he'll say anything to try to shift the blame.

You ought to know that.

It's a funny thing, you knowing Major Parkins, though, isn't it?

Do I?

Yes, I told you.

He was here.

He came to call on you the other day.

That's right, so you said.

Well?

I've told you I don't know anyone of that name.

Then what was he doing here?

I have no idea.

Perhaps he was a figment of Jacobs' imagination.

But I saw him.

So you did, yes.

Well, perhaps he heard that I was representing Sandstream and came 'round to see if he could try to effect a settlement.

I don't suppose we shall ever know now, Sergeant, shall we?

There's something fishy going on here.

Undoubtedly.

Though all's well that ends well, as the Bard has it, eh, Sergeant?

But you haven't even claimed your reward as a common informer.

Blast.

I forgot all about that, hmm?

So, what did you get out of it?

Virtue, Sergeant, is its own reward.

Yes.

[ Up-tempo music plays ] Hey, where do you think you're going?

My dear fellow, if I don't know my way by now... [ Clearing throat ] Aha.

-Aah!

-Ohh!

-Pringle!

-Colonel!

Hello, duckie.

I felt I should inform Miss Shepherd that our business was satisfactorily concluded.

Oh, yes?

Yes, well, I don't suppose I'll be seeing you again.

So, ma'am.

Colonel.

Now, look here, Pringle.

I've been working things out, and what with your fee and one thing and another, this whole business has left me the best part of 27 guineas out of pocket.

But it's the principle that counts, Colonel.

My God, sir, that's a sentiment one seldom hears these days.

[ Chuckles ] I'll see you out.

-Colonel.

-Sir.

[ Applause ] Sorry, duckie.

Some men are born to virtue.

Others achieve it.

I seem to have it thrust upon me.

Nevertheless, you have my card.

Yes.

Why?

The old boy's had a busy day.

He's liable to fall asleep drinking champagne out of your slipper.

And if he does?

You'll know where to find me.

[ Applause ] [ Door closes ]