[audience cheers and applauds] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Cornley Drama Festival.

Apologies for the sign.

[audience laughs] As the director of the Drama Society, in order to show fairness, and to quell talk of yet another coup, I have agreed to allow everyone to showcase their efforts in this drama festival.

No matter the standard.

So, each member of the Drama Society will be offering what we've agreed to call "contributions."

Ranging from rediscovered classic plays, to new writing, to workshops.

All performed over the next two weeks, and all of which I take no responsibility for.

[audience laughs] So, first up we have Robert, with an acting masterclass.

Right.

[audience laughs] [music] Hello!

[audience laughs] That was acting.

Hello.

That was not.

What is the difference between acting and non-acting?

That is what we will discover in my masterclass.

The most common question I'm asked about acting in voicemails left to me by myself is, "How can I become a good actor?"

Well, let's see.

Here are eight actors, standing in order from best to worst.

-Hm?

-What?

Now, we are going to see a bit of acting from each of them.

Let's begin.

At position number one we have our best actor... that's me.

Thank you for holding that, Jonathan.

[audience laughs] To be or not to be!

Very good.

No notes.

[audience laughs] Next, we have our second best actor, Sandra.

Off you go.

To be or not to be?

Hmm.

Good.

But also, quite shrill and bad.

Remember when asking a question you need to go up at the end of the line.

To be or not to be?

Very good.

Next.

This is not what you said you were going to do.

That is not the line Chris, move down one place.

[audience laughs] Next.

To be or not to be.

Good, go on.

That's... all you said to learn.

Well, make it up.

[audience laughs] I... -I... -Right, ok.

So, here's a tip.

So, if you're ever on stage and don't know what to do, run at the audience.

[screams] [audience laughs] You see, because if they're scared of you, you're not scared of them and that is why I always carry a gun on stage.

[audience laughs] -Next.

-You can't have a gun!

Wrong again.

Down you go!

[audience laughs] And I can have a gun, and I must have a gun.

That's rule of Chekov's gun.

Have a gun.

And now it's been seen, I will have to shoot someone before the end of the play.

Right, moving down the line.

Max!

To be or not to be.

Ok, but remember, Hamlet is tense in this moment, okay?

As are all characters at all times.

So, let's see that tight inner fear.

To be or not... -Ah!

-To be!

Good, very tense.

You were in the moment.

Okay, right.

Now, let's see if you can get it right this time, Chris.

You requested three quarters of the show's budget for this.

Dreadful, down two places.

[audience laughs] We really are in the dregs now.

Or as they're professionally termed, "the sub-actors."

Annie... To be or not to be.

That Annie, was actually very good.

Well done.

Remember it can damage an actor's morale if you tell them how bad they really are.

[audience laughs] The best way to hide a bad actor is to put them in the biggest hat you can find.

Right, who's next?

Dennis.

Off you go... No, no, just... begin.

"To be or to be not be."

[audience laughs] Medically fascinating.

It's literally written here for him...

-"Seven!"

-No, don't read that.

-"To be or..." -Stop reading!

[audience laughs] And finally... To be or not to be.

The worst of the lot.

[audience laughs] Although, of course beneath actors, you do have stage managers.

Trevor, why don't you tell the people at home a little bit about your job?

Well, actually, it's just as creative as being on stage.

That is clearly false.

So, you've seen now, how a drama society is formed: of actors and sub-actors.

And it's important to know about this when casting your play.

You can group actors and sub-actors together to create average scenes.

Or you can group your actors together in your main narrative, and then separate off your sub-actors into the "sub-plot."

And that's, of course, where we get that term.

Then the sub-plot will be a write off, but the core narrative will be preserved.

Unless, of course, one of your actors "loses talent."

You can find out more about that in my new acting book, WHY!

[audience laughs] First, let's try a scene with an actor and a sub-actor in it.

Chris and Sandra, please.

Here are your scripts.

Isobel my dear, what a fine day it is in the park.

Oh, Richard, it is.

Will you marry me, Isobel?

No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend.

[audience laughs] And stop there.

Now... what did Sandra not do there?

-Dennis.

-I don't know.

[audience laughs] OK.

Remember she is acting with a sub-actor.

[audience laughs] So, Sandra should have done what we call, "masking your sub-actor."

[audience chuckles] I'll show you what I mean.

Chris, from the top.

Isobel, my dear what a fine day...

Uh!

What a fine day it is in the park.

Is it?

-That's... -Aaagh!

-Will you marry me?

-Of course not!

[audience laughs] Now, you see, the more you do, the less they can do.

Now, in this scene Chris' character, Richard, is snubbed and experiences, what we call in the industry, "sadness."

And, of course, you cannot portray sadness without tears.

Just as in the same way you cannot perform a comedy without showing your gums.

[audience laughs] So, how do we cry on stage?

Everyone, please take out your measuring jugs.

[audience laughs] Many actors believe crying can only be achieved through truly empathizing with the character.

They are wrong.

The best way to cry on cue is to use your muscles to force tears out of your face.

So, everyone, please put your jug to your saddest eye and go!

Tense your chest!

Tense your back!

Tense your neck!

Tense your buttocks, groin and throat.

Now!

Now!

[screams] [audience laughs] [spits] There we are!

Anyone else manage to get any tears?

[audience laughs] That's fine, he'll be fine.

When I do this down at the Youth Centre, there's usually at least one hemorrhage.

How have we done?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

You see, she's "losing talent."

[audience laughs] Nothing... [audience laughs] Jesus.

Are you alright?

[audience laughs] I don't know.

[audience laughs] Okay, stay safe.

Stay emotionally safe everyone.

[audience laughs] Now, some sub-actors will not be able to produce any tears this way.

And for them you can use this product I found on the dark web, called "tear-gas."

[audience laughs] [screams in pain] And straight into the scene!

Argh!

Isobel my dear!

What a fine day it is in the park!

Oh, Richard, it is!

Will you marry me, Isobel?

No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend!

Are you sad?

Much better!

[applauses] No, no.

They're nowhere near ready for that.

[audience laughs] And, of course, the best way to finish a scene is with my signature end card.

[music] [audience laughs] So, now you've seen some acting, hopefully you can tell the difference between acting and non-acting.

In fact, let's put your learning to the test, and see if you can tell which is which in these clips... No, Robert, this is... argh!

This is... not acting!

Chris ballet dancing is a new low.

[audience laughs] I'm gonna put glue on his flute.

[Robert laughs] Robert, are you filming us?

This is... not acting!

[audience laughs] Robert, why are you requesting three quarters of the show's budget for your masterclass?

Er... insurance.

This is... acting.

[audience laughs] If you want to learn more, copies of my new acting book, Anything you can Act I can Act even Louder, are now available in pop up form.

To be or not to be!

[audience laughs] Now, next up we, we have a... Understudy.

Next up, we have a new play by Max.

Which one's Max?

Oh, yes!

Number five.

Please, enjoy this sub piece, a kitchen sink drama.

[audience applauds] [audience laughs] ♪ I'm a plate and this is great ♪ ♪ I'm a plate and this is great ♪ ♪ I'm a sponge watch me lunge ♪ I'm a sponge watch me lunge [audience laughs] ♪ To be clean is my goal ♪ Cos I'm a dirty little bowel [audience laughs] ♪ Now we're ready, here we go ♪ Here comes Mr. H2O ♪ The tap is turned, I must dash!

♪ ♪ Here I come with a splash -Woah!

-Woah!

[audience laughs] I'm stuck.

[audience laughs] [music] [audience applauds] Thank you, thank you, Max.

Clearly a slight misinterpretation of what a kitchen sink drama is there.

Why what is it?

It's a soap opera.

Ah, that's the second act.

[sings operatically] [audience laughs] Thank you.

Marvelous.

Next up, we have Vanessa, with something... a little less traditional.

[audience applauds] Since taking part in Series One of Play of the Week, I have been visiting a life coach.

Now, I know a lot of people are skeptical about life coaching, but mine charges me 200 pounds an hour, so, you know it's good.

[audience laughs] To help me with my fear of spontaneity, he suggested that I take classes in improvisation.

For example.

Oh, watch out Kevin there's a... [audience laughs] Some...

There's a... Oh, watch out Kevin, watch out!

[audience laughs] Believe it or not, that line wasn't scripted.

No, it was a stream of consciousness made up completely on the spot.

And there's plenty more of that to come.

[music] [audience laughs] So, for this first scene, can someone please shout out a job?

Don't be shy, I'll take anything.

[audience member #1] Fart inspector.

No, not that.

Come on.

-[audience member #2] Baker!

-Baker!

Great.

And I also need an emotion?

-[audience member #3] Lust.

-Lust.

Oh...

Okay.

[laughs] And finally, a location?

-[audience member #1] Hull.

-Hull?

[audience laughs] Yeah!

Okay.

So, this scene is a lusty baker in Hull.

Here we go.

Wait.

[audience laughs] Here we go!

Hello, Margery.

How's the bread today?

[audience laughs] Lusty.

[audience laughs] -What are you doing?

-Oh, baking.

In Hull.

[audience laughs] I...

I...

I... [screams] [audience laughs] Ding a ling a ling.

Ooh, nice buns!

[audience laughs] Okay, and scene.

[audience laughs and applauds] So, this next scene is going to be a "fun" one.

[sound effect] Ooh!

Sorry, if you're going to do sound effects, could you let me know?

I just, I was just really thrown there.

[audience laughs] So, Chris and Max are going to play "The Alphabet Game," where the first line of the scene begins with A, the second line with B, and backwards and forwards, until they get to Z.

So, can I have a location for this scene?

[audience member #1] Hull.

-[audience laughs] -Ah, okay.

Alright, it can be in Hull as well.

Where abouts in Hull?

-[audience member #2] The Zoo.

-The Zoo!

Great!

Okay, here we go...

Always a pleasure to see you, Gareth.

Hi.

No, it has to start with B. Oh, er, bye... -[audience laughs] -Come back, Gareth, I need to talk to you.

Okay, what about?

It has to start with D now.

Does it?

Exactly.

Now you're getting it.

Definitely.

No, it has to start with F.

"Fenitely."

[audience laughs] -Good.

-Thanks.

Say a word beginning with H. -Hull.

-[audience laughs] -Jesus... -No, you missed I. I'm sorry.

-What about?

-Kindly understand the game.

-I don't understand the game.

-Say a word beginning with L. Lusty.

-Max... -No need to get upset.

-Oh, my God!

-Please, Chris.

-Quiet!

-Right.

-Stop the dings!

-That's not very nice.

-Unbelievable.

-Very rude.

Will you shut up?

-Xylophones.

-Oh, come on.

I had that!

You're an idiot!

Zoo.

-[audience laughs] -And scene.

[audience applauds] See, wasn't that fun?

[audience laughs] Alright, now we're going to play scene change, where I'm in the middle, and the other improvisers are going to throw crazy ideas at me.

So, can we just have a starting location for this scene?

-[audience member #1] Hull.

-No!

Not Hull, because we've done that!

Haven't we?

We we've done that.

So, let's just try somewhere else.

[audience member #3] The Far East!

-Great.

-[audience member #1] Of Hull.

[audience laughs] Oh!

Well, you know what they say about people from Hull... don't you?

They're all... -from Hull.

-[audience laughs] So, let's just try a different location.

[audience member #2] A cruise ship!

A cruise ship, yes, where on a cruise ship?

-[audience member #1] The hull.

-[audience laughs] Okay, this scene is set in the hull of a cruise ship.

Here we go.

[audience laughs] Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?

[audience laughs] Lusty.

Change.

What's my line?

Just make it up.

Just make it up.

No.

Just... Will you marry me?

-What?

Really?

-Yes, I've always loved you.

I don't know what to say.

Just say yes.

Yeah!

Okay.

I...

I need to go and tell my mum!

Change.

Change.

Mira las estrellas esta noche.

[audience laughs] -Chorizo.

-[audience laughs] [Dennis] Change!

Do you really want to marry me?

Yes, of course.

Will you tell my mum?

She doesn't believe me.

She says you're a solid eight and I'm a two.

-[audience laughs] -Change.

Ooh!

This is a spooky old attic.

Yes, it's freez...

Shut up, get in the cupboard.

[audience laughs] And that's how you win an improv.

-[audience laughs] -Change!

Look, doctor.

It appears to be allergic rhinitis.

Hand me the speculum.

No, the speculum.

No, a speculum.

[audience laughs] No, a speculum.

A spec... No, a speculum!

Speculum!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Look, look... two hands!

[audience laughs] Well, looks like we're too late, the patient has died.

[audience laughs] Curses.

I could have saved them.

If only I... Argh!

Ow!

-[audience laughs] -Change!

Change!

Change!

[audience laughs] Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?

[audience laughs] Lusty!

[Jonathan] Change.

-[machine sounds] -[Dennis] Change!

OK, I think I've found us a venue.

But it's an 8,000 pound deposit.

Can I borrow your credit card?

I don't have that on me.

It's okay, I'll get it from your purse.

Change!

Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?

-Lusty!

-[audience laughs] Change!

Oh, and scene!

[audience laughs] Okay.

We're all set, June the 6th.

I think this is the first time in my life I've ever felt happy.

[audience gasps] Right.

That was "funtastic!"

I hope that my life coach is proud of me for doing that.

I'm not.

You need more sessions.

[audience laughs] [music] Thank you, Vanessa.

Now we come at last to my piece...

I bet you think you're "hullarious."

"Hull-arious."

[audience laughs] Ha!

I'm just too quick for you, mate.

Ahem.

For too long now, the Drama Society has refused to let me showcase high art.

But I'm going to use this opportunity to present some real culture for once.

Move Chris!

And to elevate you, the viewers at home.

So, put down your fish and chips, set aside your cans of lager beer, and put on that shirt you wear to court.

[audience laughs] And join me for an evening at the ballet and the magical tale of the caterpillar, La Nuit de la Chenille.

[audience cheers and applauds] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] -Wha... -[audience laughs] -Ooh.

-[audience laughs] -Woah!

-[audience laughs] [audience laughs and applauds] [audience laughs] Oh!

No, no, no, no, no... [audience laughs] Spider!

[audience laughs and applauds] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] Aw, no.

[audience laughs] Wow!

[audience laughs] Tell us, Sun Beetle, the Caterpillar, is he well?

He is not!

Winter comes and he fades.

[audience laughs] What shall we do?

We need the wisdom of the great stag.

[all] Stag!

[audience laughs] Ooh!

[audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] Tell us, Sun Beetle, what did the...

Uh, uh... [audience laughs] -What did the great... -Is it?

-What did the great... -Ooh!

Stop it!

[audience laughs] Tell us, Sun Beetle!

What did the great stag say?

The wise stag said your light has faded.

-And you must rest... -Uh!

-How dare you?

-[makes noises] [makes noises] Eeee!

Never let yourself be masked.

[audience laughs] The wise stag said that your light has faded, and you must lay yourself down beneath the mighty oak.

[audience laughs] [audience laughs] Ugh!

Agh!

[audience laughs] Lift...

Extend!

[they groan] [audience laughs] Hold!

Hold!

Don't drop me.

Careful!

[audience laughs] Stop it, man!

[audience laughs] The caterpillar has gone.

The forest weeps.

[straining sounds] Got one!

[audience laughs] Stop it!

Stop it!

[audience laughs] [audience laughs] [audience laughs] [Chris] Sodding zip!

♪ Lord Butterfly!

-♪ Lord Butterfly!

-[Chris] Come on!

Bloody zip!

♪ Lord Butterfly!

-Yeah!

-Ah!

[cast members scream] Chekov's gun.

[audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds]