
The Cremators
Season 3 Episode 13 | 1h 56m 45sVideo has Closed Captions
A fiery alien terrorizes humanity in this 1973 low-budget laugher.
Goodness gracious, it's great balls of (alien) fire in this ludicrous low-budget laugher from 1973. Back in the NMTV studios, the Baron schools Sapo in the difference between good and bad scifi, and Sapo comes up with a "Cremators" brand coffee creamer.
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Nightmare Theatre is a local public television program presented by WSRE PBS
Nightmare Theatre is a local production supported by Pensacon and The Fish House.

The Cremators
Season 3 Episode 13 | 1h 56m 45sVideo has Closed Captions
Goodness gracious, it's great balls of (alien) fire in this ludicrous low-budget laugher from 1973. Back in the NMTV studios, the Baron schools Sapo in the difference between good and bad scifi, and Sapo comes up with a "Cremators" brand coffee creamer.
Problems playing video? | Closed Captioning Feedback
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(lively piano music) (thunder rumbling) ♪ One day the Devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture ♪ ♪ Some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On Nightmare Theatre ♪ - See, the television show was called "Dallas."
Yeah, yeah, like the wrestler, but without the "Diamond" and the "Page."
The show was called "Dallas" and there was a character named Bobby and Bobby was dead.
That must be perfectly understood.
You see, Bobby was played by Patrick Duffy.
Yes, exactly, the guy from "Man from Atlantis."
Again, Bobby was dead.
You have to understand that to appreciate what happened.
Did the audience know he was dead?
Sure they did.
They saw Bobby push Pam out of the way of that car and they saw that car hit him.
They saw the family gathered around the hospital bed.
They saw J.R. crying as Bobby died.
He was definitely dead.
Life went on.
So much happened, so many storylines.
So many writers worked so hard on crafting 30 perfect episodes.
30 hours of top-notch television.
It was all going so well.
And then, in the final minutes of the last episode of the season, Pam wakes up and hears water running and sees Bobby walk out of the shower.
He wasn't dead at all!
The entire season, all 30 episodes, had been a dream.
I tell you every day, every single day, I wake up and hope the past 185 years I've spent with Sapo have been a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.
But what are the odds that Sapo would take a shower?
Oh, wait, we're on.
I'll tell you who shot J.R. later.
He didn't die, he just got shot, well, anyway, hello and welcome to Nightmare Theatre.
I'm your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and with me, as always, is Mittens the werewolf and we're discussing hackneyed cliches as we wait for the king of cliches, El Sapo de Tempesto, to show up with tonight's movie.
I'm not sure where he could be.
- Here I am boss, here I am, Mittens.
- You're late again.
- I'm sorry, boss.
Somebody locked all the doors and I couldn't get in.
- Well, my, my, my, who could have done such a thing?
Those doors are set to auto-lock five minutes before we start.
Why, the only way you could get locked outside would be if you were late.
- Maybe, maybe the doors locked early.
- [Baron] Impossible.
- Maybe there was a rip in the fabric of time.
- [Baron] Nope.
- Time displacement?
Maybe, maybe I fell into a worm hole again.
- Possible but improbable.
- Maybe I ran real fast and I sped up time.
I can run real fast, you know.
I'm like a shooting star, leaping through the sky.
I'm as fast as a tiger defying the laws of gravity.
Maybe, maybe I ran through time.
- Then you would've gotten here early.
Maybe you were late due to your ineptitude.
But really, what's the point in trying to change you?
I guess I can forgive you for being late for the 15,756 consecutive time.
- Thanks, I appreciate that boss, that's nice of you.
- Okay, this is my life and I'm gonna live it the best way I can.
I'm not gonna get angry, I'm not gonna get upset.
Wait, if the doors were locked, how did you get in?
- I shimmied up the drain pipe and I dropped through the skylight.
- I knew I should have electrified that pipe.
Since you're late, I imagine you had plenty of time to select a good movie for tonight.
- You know, that was at the very top of my list, but I left the list in my other pants, so I hadn't got around to it yet.
- So we got nothing tonight.
- Well, no.
While I was climbing up the drain pipe, I noticed the gargoyles on the roof.
I never noticed them before.
- Gargoyles, they're still up there?
You were supposed to take them down with the rest of the Christmas decorations.
- These are... different Gargoyles, yeah, different ones.
These are for... Arbor Day, which is tomorrow, isn't it?
- Geez, Sapo.
- I was pulling myself onto the roof and I saw... this jammed into one of their mouths.
I'm not sure what it could be but I bet it is great.
- I bet it's not.
- Could you show it while I run, get a movie?
- I guess so, what else are we gonna do?
I'll show this, whatever it is, while you get a movie and I warn you, you better find a good one!
- I'll find the best movie you've ever seen.
♪ Don't believe it, just watch ♪ - I don't know what this is and...
I know what it has to be though.
It's gotta be another episode of Flash Gordon.
(Baron sighing) Whatever, just queue it up and run it, Mittens.
I can't do this anymore, this is just ridiculous.
(dramatic music) (thunder rumbling) (exciting music) - [Narrator] Chapter 12.
Ming's air attack on Barin's palace is beaten off and Torch recaptured by Flash Gordon, but the escaping enemy ships carry off Dale Arden.
Zarkov is tricked into Ming's power and with Dale and Princess Aura already his prisoners, Ming now holds the whip hand over Flash and Barin.
Flash leads the rescue party into Ming's palace by means of an abandoned tunnel and locates the room where Dale and Aura are held.
Unaware that the room is protected by a death-dealing electrical trap, Flash, sword in hand... (foreboding music) - Flash, stop where you are!
(electrical fizzling) (lively music) - Flash, what happened?
- Aura, Dale what, what was it?
- Barin, don't move!
The rug, it's electrified.
There must be a switch outside the door.
Father turned the current on from out there.
(lively music) - It's all right, the current's off.
- Oh Flash, I thought you were killed.
- Not quite.
We've gotta get outta here quick!
Quick!
(suspenseful music) - Halt!
To the north room, quickly!
- Nice thinking!
(foreboding music) - Your Majesty.
Captain Torch reports that Flash Gordon and his comrades have rescued Dale Arden and Princess Aura and have fled with them.
- They can't go far, summon the guard and search for them!
Watch the laboratory!
They may attempt to release Dr. Zarkov also.
(suspenseful music) - These prisoners are to be admitted and held in here.
- This is not a prison.
- This is an order!
Are you going to obey?
- Yes, by placing you under arrest!
(lively music) Guards, guards!
(suspenseful music) (ominous music) (door knocking) (bell ringing) - It will take them two hours to break down that door.
And by that time, I shall have a better and more effective defense.
- We'll hide these guys somewhere and take their uniforms.
(bell ringing) (suspenseful music) - Remain here on guard.
I must report this to His Majesty.
Sire, the Earth party, with Barin and Aura, have barricaded themselves in the laboratory.
- Surround the laboratory but do not attack without an order for me.
- But sire, with our numbers we can attack and conquer them.
- You, you!
Don't you realize that with Dr. Zarkov in possession of my laboratory, he is more powerful than I am in my own kingdom?
Dr. Zarkov is clever.
No doubt, he has learned the secret of my sun power and when attacked, he'll destroy us.
No.
He must be tricked into coming out and I'll find the way.
- If we can control Ming's power house, we can handle him.
- We can destroy him and his palace, but that would mean our death as well.
- It would be worth it, if we could save the universe by doing so.
(machinery buzzing) - My forces have you surrounded, Zarkov, and they will attack if you do not surrender immediately!
- You don't dare attack.
- [Ming] And why not?
- Because I control the source of your power and can destroy you with it.
- You would not dare.
- I would not hesitate.
Our mission is not only to save the world, but the universe as well.
- The universe?
I am the universe.
I'll give you just one hour to surrender.
I have another source of power that you know nothing of!
- Do you believe him?
- I don't or he doesn't.
- But don't you think he's stalling for time?
- No.
But our only safety at present is to remain here.
- Then why can't Barin send for some of V ships?
We can keep Ming from attacking him with you in control here, can't we?
- Flash is right.
- Captain, soon I can arrange an attack.
- But only as a last resort.
- As you know, Ming is cunning and treacherous.
We must learn what he's up to.
Perhaps you two and your disguise might learn his plans.
- Yes, but Zarkov, how can we get out of here?
- Nom has showed me a secret passage that leads to the cabins that even Ming doesn't know of.
- I'm willing.
What about you, Roka?
- I'll go with you.
- You hold the fort here.
We'll get as close as we can to Ming and find out what he's up to.
- Right.
(pleasant instrumental music) - Halt!
What are you palace guards doing down here?
- Searching the cabins, sir.
- These men will relieve you.
Come!
Allow no one to enter or your lives are forfeit.
- Yes, sir.
Roka, you keep me covered.
(lively music) I'm relieving you.
Go to the laboratory at once!
They need help there!
(lively music) - What we must to is to find a way to trick Dr. Zarkov and his party into leaving the laboratory.
Have you rocket shipped ZO loader to my new solarite?
- Yes, sire, it's ready in a space court for the attack on the principle cities of the Earth.
- I think it will be smarter to forget the Earth until we have rid ourselves of the Earth people now on Mongo.
We can use the solarite ship as a threat to trap them.
Check the solarite ship again and make sure it is ready to depart at a moment's notice.
- I will, sire.
- In the meantime, I'll communicate with Dr. Zarkov again.
(somber music) And now if I may speak to Dr. Zarkov.
My rocket ship is loaded with enough solarite to destroy the principle cities of the Earth on contact.
It is in my ship now.
We will send it if you do not surrender at once.
- This is a serious matter.
I must consult my associates.
- Very well.
I'll give you five minutes.
- Then there's only one way out.
- And that is?
- Take Ming's ZO ship and destroy him with it.
But it all depends on whether you can control the defensive mechanism of the space court here.
- It can be done.
- Well where will we be when you destroy Ming?
- In Zarkov's rocket ship.
I'll take off in the solarite ship and head back toward the palace then bail out.
You oughta be able to pick me up.
- Then you'd better let me go with you.
- No use two of us sacrificing ourselves.
(machinery buzzing) - Zarkov doesn't answer our signal, sir.
(suspenseful music) - I will stay here and control the death rays that guard the entrance to the space court.
- It means your death.
- Ming killed my spirit when he destroyed my people.
For years, I have been waiting for this chance to avenge them.
- I understand.
Notify Captain Sudan to open the tunnel gates for us.
- I will.
- Goodbye, my friend.
Thank you.
- We'll never forget you, Professor.
(suspenseful music) - I'll warm up the motor so we'll be ready to leave the moment Dr. Zarkov arrives.
(suspenseful music) - [Zarkov] Flash!
Wait!
- That's the ship with the solarite aboard.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Ming called it his ZO ship.
- You cannot enter the space court until I have signaled Drok to turn off the death ray.
Drok?
- Yes.
- Turn off the death ray on number seven.
(lively music) - They are off.
- I'll circle with the ZO ship until you take off and join me.
- Right.
We'll keep in touch by radio.
- Good.
Hope there's a parachute aboard.
- I'm sure there is.
It's essential part of the equipment.
Well, good luck, Flash.
- Thanks.
(exciting instrumental music) (ship whooshing) (dramatic music) - Yes?
Yes, I'll report it!
Your Majesty, Flash Gordon has just entered the space court and taken off in your solarite ship.
- Why didn't my guard stop him?
- Your guards cannot enter the space court.
The death ray has been turned on!
- It's the work of that clever fiend, Zarkov.
He's at the controls in the laboratory.
- Dr. Zarkov.
(gentle music) (suspenseful music) (ship fizzling) - We should fear no danger from the solarite ship.
Gordon will not destroy his friends.
- Captain Torch speaking.
Yes?
Yes?
I'll report!
Sire, Dr. Zarkov and the rest of the Earth people, including Prince Barin and Princess Aura, have escaped through the tunnel.
They've taken off in their rocket ship.
- Then Gordon will use the solarite ship to destroy me!
We must leave at once from the tower, use the auxiliary controls from there!
Order Captain Sudan to have them turned on.
We'll find him in the guard room.
(suspenseful music) - Captain Torch calling Captain Sudan.
Sudan, connect the controls to the tower room at once!
- I never thought it would ever be in my power to save Ming the merciless or to destroy him.
- Calling Captain Sudan in the guard control room.
- Is this Drok?
- [Drok] Yes, this is Drok.
- Listen, can you contact Zarkov?
- [Drok] Yes, I can, Captain Sudan.
- Good.
Tell him that Ming has gone to the tower control room.
- All right, I will.
Drok calling Dr. Zarkov.
Ming has taken refuge in his tower control room.
Tell Flash Gordon to head his solarite ship directly at the tower.
- [Zarkov] I'll tell him.
And that means you'll be saved, Drok!
- I know that, but it also means that we can place Prince Barin on the throne of Mongo.
- Now we can save others who should not suffer from Ming's misdeeds.
Flash.
(rocket ships buzzing) Flash!
- Go ahead, Zarkov.
- Ming's gone to his tower control room.
You know where it is?
- Yes.
I'll head toward there instead of the palace.
- [Zarkov] Good, let us know when you're ready.
- Don't worry, I will.
(suspenseful music) - Captain Sudan doesn't answer, sire.
We're doomed!
- Send a messenger to him.
- Ah, there's no time for that!
Our only chance is that Captain Sudan will connect the controls!
Then we can explode the solarite ship while it's in the air!
Captain Sudan!
Your emperor demands that you connect the controls to the tower room immediately!
(suspenseful music) - You've locked Ming and his retinue in the tower.
- Yes.
And there's only one other way of escape for them but they will be too terrified to think of it.
(suspenseful music) - All ready, Zarkov.
(rocket ship buzzing) (suspenseful music) (wind howling) - Flash!
- Do you think the solarite ship will hit the tower?
- I'm sure it will.
Watch the fireworks.
(dramatic music) - Oh!
Look!
The solarite ship is nearly upon us!
To the cabins, for your lives!
- It's locked!
(rocket ship buzzing) (explosions rumbling) (rocket shop buzzing) - Ming is no more.
The world is safe.
And our worry is free.
- By destroying Ming, you have saved the universe.
- In his mad ambition, Ming declared that he was the universe.
- Then, since you have conquered Ming, I shall radio your father, "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe."
- And saves the Earth.
- What's our course now, Flash?
- Straight for Arboria... and back home.
(Zarkov laughing) (pleasant music) (rocket ship buzzing) (dramatic instrumental music) - Complete and utter nonsense!
Balderdash!
Ming dies and Flash lives?
That's just not fair, and what's more, it's not right!
I mean, I'm glad this serial is over, but there is no justice in this cruel world!
Thankfully, I'll never have to see Buster Crabbe's giant head again.
That was just bad.
Speaking of bad, where's El Sapo?
- Here I am, Boss.
- Whoopee.
- Have I found a movie for you tonight.
And believe me, this one was the hardest to get of them all.
- Oh really, do tell.
- I had to climb into the fireplace in wiggle and jiggle myself up the chimney.
But I found it.
- You found it in a chimney?
- Yes, I did.
- The chimney in the north sector of the compound?
- Yeah, that one.
- Oh no, oh it can't be, I burned it!
I watched it burn, I saw the flames consume it!
Let me see that!
Sapo, this is "The Cremators."
- Yes, sir, it is, "The Cremators."
Do you like it, boss?
Is it a good one?
- Sapo, I personally destroyed this film.
I stuffed this movie into the fireplace, I doused it with gasoline, tossed a match and watched it burn!
- Well, it must have tried to climb up the chimney because that's where I found it.
- Good gravy, Sapo, do you realize what you've done?
When this film was released, it came with a series of warning labels!
It was only supposed to be shown in a well ventilated area.
The projectionist was supposed to wear gloves and an N95 mask.
This film is a bio pathogen.
Armed guards had to transport it between theaters because angry mobs kept trying to destroy it.
We're doomed, how could you do this to us?
- Oh, it can't be that bad, boss.
We have certainly seen worse movies.
- Oh no, no, no, no, we haven't.
It is the worst movie ever made.
In fact, I'm not allowed just yet to, hold on...
Okay, this is good.
Five, four-- - Oh, I got you here.
Three, two, one.
- Great, you've mastered basic counting.
Would you like to take a crack at your ABC's?
- Oh, I don't like to show off, but yeah, I have mastered my numbers, but the letters, that's a horse of a different flavor.
But why the backwards counting, eh?
What's up with the massive show of brain power?
- I signed an NDA 40 years ago which prevented me from talking about this movie.
Well, until this very moment.
- That is a coincidence.
What can you tell me about this film, now that all the legal hurdles have been cleared?
- I won't tell you anything, I won't waste my time.
- Well, that's probably a good idea because when you tell me something, it usually goes in one of my ears and out the other two.
But come on boss, please, tell me something good about this movie.
- Absolutely not.
- I'll be your best friend.
- Sapo, let me explain something to you.
Negotiations, you wanna offer the other party something of value, something worthwhile, something that will make them want to compromise.
The best scenario is the classic win-win scenario.
Everybody gives up a little, you know, something, but they get something in return.
- Huh, hmm.
- So you see, that you offering to be my best friend, well, that that's not an incentive.
- What about a crisp new dollar bill?
Would that loosen that smart tongue?
- Where'd you get a dollar at?
- Oh, I have a few side hustles, you know, just to keep myself in cornbread and trouble, and every now and then I save a buck or two, you know, just for gum, hairnets.
What a dollar make a difference?
- No amount of money could get me to talk about this movie.
- Look, if you don't know anything about this movie, all you have to do is say so.
I'll go on the record right now.
Mittens, mark me here.
Mittens, let the record reflect that there is something good in this movie and the boss, here, refuses to prove me wrong.
- There's nothing good about this movie, it's just bad.
For example, consider this, the opening credits last about a half an hour and there's a scene where a hippie is chasing a bird up and down a beach.
- I did that once.
Remember that time that seagull swooped down and snatched off your hairpiece and I had to chase it up and down the beach?
- Well, yes, in this case, no one knows why the hippie is chasing the bird or if he's really even chasing the bird.
All we see are blurry, out of focus shots of a longhaired man running, cut between scenes of a bird running, and then, for reasons no one can explain, suddenly the man is running while holding a cat in his hands.
- Well, there's nothing unusual there.
I don't see the problem here.
- That's not the issue, during the scene we see the words, "From a story by Judy Ditky."
- That is a weird name.
- Yes.
Considering the woman's name is in fact Judy Dikty.
Yep, the movie misspells the author's name.
- Oh, that ain't good.
- No, but it should have served as a sign of things to come.
My friends, this is a very bad movie.
I don't know what to say.
You're about to witness one of the most horrible films to ever spring from the fevered mind of a madman.
So let's just get ready to do it and show this movie.
Here is "The Cremators" on Nightmare Theatre.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no!
Sapo, I changed my mind, we can't show this movie!
I just cannot do this to the good people at home.
- We got no choice.
It's either this or my "Sapo Teaches Modern Dance" instructional DVD.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I do look really good in the black unitard, folks.
The people would like that.
- No, no, we'll show "The Cremators."
(static fizzling) (eerie music) (explosion rumbling) (intense music) - [Narrator] There were only two who saw the meteor fall into the lake long ago.
One was an Indian brave hunting for food.
He saw the fire streak out down over the water and was afraid... because it was an omen of ill favor when the stars left the heaven and drowned themselves in the water.
(intense music) (electronic fizzling) (music intensifying) (suspenseful music) (man screaming) (fire rumbling) (eerie music) The other witness was a fish who snapped greedily at the meteor as it fell, quite reduced in size now.
The fish swam away, and pleasantly, he died.
That was 300 years ago.
(meteor whistling) (ominous piano music) (boat horn blowing) (dramatic horn music) (dramatic horn music) The water hasn't changed much.
The shoreline was altered by the erosion of time.
The sand dunes, like vast creeping monsters, kept traveling around, sweeping over the forests.
Civilization moved in, polluting the waters and spoiling the land.
The word "ecology" became a warning note as it left dead, lifeless things in its wake.
Some, like Iane Thorne, sought the loneliness of the lake country and the last chance to help turn the tide against the creeping death.
- Wave action in lake... diminishing.
Winds, light variable.
An absence of driftwood specimen in the pool.
Algae intense... (ominous music) (sinister music) Each new day brings more fascinating change.
Insects, sunning themselves on the thermometer.
Something I just found in my pool, rock crystal.
You name it.
Could be someone's drowned jewelry.
This is the second droplet.
(sinister music) (water bubbling) (gentle music) (engine rumbling) (foreboding music) (explosions whooshing) (tires screeching) (intense music) (somber horn music) ♪ Oh, when I'm dancing, baby ♪ - Come on out of here!
Get on out of here, come on, get!
Oh, give me this thing, I wanna do it.
♪ And everything will be all right ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ (faint beat music) - [Iane] Hello, Bill.
- Hi, Mr. Thorne.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi, Steve.
Hello, Millie.
Raced all the way to get here on time.
- Just about ready to leave too.
Ah, see.
Got your stamps on?
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
- "Mr. Willy Seppel, Ann Arbor, Michigan."
Special delivery, huh?
Okay, take care of it for you.
- Got anything for me, Bill?
- Yeah.
New bug magazine come for you.
Here, this.
- Thanks.
- Now you ain't gonna run all the way over to Port Grand with them few pieces of mail, now are you, Bill?
- One thing's for sure, Mort, you ain't never gonna run outta gas the way your mouth keeps going all the time.
(Steve laughing) - Mort's right, Bill.
Nothing important ever leaves Agoura.
- The mail's gotta go through.
- [Mort] Why is that?
- Why?
It says so in the United States postal regulation, that's why!
(men laughing) (faint radio pop music) (engine rumbling) Did you say something, Millie?
(dog whimpering) Don't blame you, them fellows will upset anyone.
(dog whimpering) (eerie music) (rock beeping) (sinister music) Did you see that, Millie?
Now what do you suppose?
(rock beeping) (sinister music) (ominous music) (dog barking) (rock beeping) (electronic buzzing) (Bill screaming) (dog barking) (fire whooshing) (eerie music) - Hello and welcome back.
Did I not tell you how bad this movie is?
- Yes you did, boss, yes you did.
- This is a horrible movie, it's a plague.
I wouldn't be surprised if a flock of locusts suddenly appeared and carried poor Mittens off.
It's a plague, I tell you!
- But even the plague had a good side.
Lots of nerds love dressing up like plague doctors for Halloween and Christmas.
But this movie, so far, I have seen nothing good at all, but there's just got to be, there just has to be something good.
- Nope.
- There always is.
- Nope, no.
There's nothing at all, well, well maybe there's-- - Ah, ha, ha, ha.
- To be fair, there is one, and only one, good thing about this movie.
- I knew there was something, let me guess.
It won the Oscar for best makeup.
- No.
- NASA showed it on a space shuttle flight.
- No!
The idea is to keep the astronauts inside the shuttle but the good thing is related to space, sorta.
- Okay, let me guess, let me guess, let me guess.
- You you're never gonna guess, so let me tell you.
The film features Maria De Aragon.
- Holy cats, boss!
- You have no idea who that is, do you?
- No, sir.
I do not.
Doesn't she make frozen food or something?
Is she the lady on the pizza box?
- No, she played Greedo in "Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope."
- Oh yeah, yeah, I remember her.
Greedo is the true hero of the first Star Wars movie.
- What?
- The one who shot first and he only missed that jackass Han by an inch!
- Sapo, Han shot first.
- I saw the movie twice.
Greedo got the drop on that lazy slob, Han, and fired first.
- Sapo, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- I'm serious, boss, Greedo shot first.
- Sapo, Han shot first.
- No, no, you are incorrect.
- What, what are-- - Incorrect.
Let me reenact this.
- Oh my... - Let me reenact this.
- Why do you have those?
You know what, never mind.
I don't... - I'm gonna reenact this and you're gonna see.
Okay, let me demonstrate.
Greedo says, "Going somewhere, Solo?"
And Solo drunkenly mutters, "Oh yeah, Greedo, "as a matter of act, I was just going to see your boss.
"Tell Jabber I've got his money."
- "Jabber?"
- Yes, that's what he said.
He said, "Tell Jabber I've got his money."
And then they-- - Sapo.
- And then they go-- - Sapo, Sapo!
- No, no, no, let me finish.
Then they go back and forth for a while.
And Greedo kindly offers to take over payments on Solo's ship.
- What?
- And he says, and Han says, "Over my dead body."
And then Greedo says, "That's the idea.
"I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time."
- [Baron] Greedo talks like Clint Eastwood?
- In the director's cut he does.
Then Greedo fires about 18 shots and Han dodges them all because, get this, the sights on Greedo's gun were busted and he had a blister on his finger from signing so many autographs.
- No, no.
- And then Han, like the klutz he is, drops his gun and it goes off and it shoots and kills poor Greedo.
- That's not how it happened, Sapo.
- That's how I remember it.
- That's not how it happened but you know what?
Let's use this as a teachable moment.
- Okay, a teachable moment, I got you.
On how George Lucas should have done things!
- No, on the difference between good sci-fi and bad sci-fi.
See, "Star Wars" is good, "The Cremators" is bad.
Han is a good character.
He wouldn't just sit there and wait to be shot.
He pulled his gun under the table-- - That's not how it happened.
- And shot first.
- Not how it happened.
- Han is a dynamic man of action.
The people in this movie just sit around, staring off into space, muttering about things.
- Oh, okay, so you're saying there is good sci-fi and bad sci-fi.
Tell me, sir, how does one tell the difference?
- If I like it, it's good.
If Mittens likes it, it's good.
If you like it, it's bad.
Anything you bring to us is bad.
- Ah.
- By the way, can I see that Greedo figure?
- Sure, do you wanna play a scene with me?
- Oh sure, in this one, Greedo flies.
Up, up and away, Greedo.
Folks, clearly this movie is not the caliber of great sci-fi.
It's not even the caliber of the "Far Out Space Nuts."
- Now that was a show right there.
- Yes, yes it was a show.
- But boss, boss, boss.
Other than the great Greedo, who was the number one star of "Star Wars," were there any other famous actors in this movie?
- Absolutely not.
Of the many people skulking around in this movie, only Eric Sinclair, who plays Dr. Seppel, was ever in anything else.
- I bet he had the lead role in some great movie.
Maybe even one of those biblical epics that Mittens like so much.
- No, he had a minor part in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," and oddly enough, that film won four Oscars.
- This guy in the movie won an Oscar?
- Oh, lord, no, but he was in a movie that won four Oscars.
- Oh, so this movie features the great Greedo and a man who went on to be in something that won four Oscars.
- Yeah, this movie came out in 1973, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" came out in 1969.
But after 1973, he was in nothing anyone wanted to see.
Only Greedo went on to do anything else worthwhile.
- So this movie was like a curse or something and it just caught everyone and it affected everybody.
- Yes, and now, thanks to you, it has us and it's killing us all slowly.
So folks, let's return to the film, that starred Greedo and a guy who had a bit part in a movie about two cowboys, here, on Nightmare Theatre.
(dramatic music) - You didn't move anything after you found this, did you, Merv?
- Not me.
Barreled right over my place and phoned you.
- What happened to his dog, Millie?
- Was no dog when I came out.
- Well, she must have gotten out somehow.
- Maybe Phil got out.
- Not from the looks of that.
- How you sitting it down, Doctor Friday?
- Cremation, it seems like.
- Boys were kidding him about driving into a town last night.
- Well, that's how it goes.
I guess better get this mail over to the main post office.
Most of it's just singed.
Except for your package, Mr. Thorne.
Anything valuable in it?
- No.
Just some mineral specimens.
- Well, must be plenty more where they came from.
Phil never did have good eyes.
Wouldn't listen to us, kidding or no kidding.
(foreboding music) (waves whooshing) (pleasant music) (eerie music) (motor puttering) - Hey, Mac!
- Iane.
Brought you a visitor this time, real company.
Jeanne, the gent in the stripped shirt writes books about bugs and means to keep us all from poisoning ourselves.
Iane Thorne.
Iane, this is my niece, Jeanne.
- You haven't changed much.
Even back in high school, he'd soon as just chase butterflies than play ball.
- You knew me then?
- I was nine and just beginning to wise up.
- Obviously I wasn't too smart.
That's why I went away to college.
This is my first trip back.
- Yeah, you're both back and I brought something to celebrate with too.
Brace for sirloin.
Jeanne will do 'em up for us, I've tasted your cooking.
- Well, what're we waiting for?
- Uncle Mac says you're a hermit.
- Well, there is something primitive about it all.
As if it were the beginning of things.
(rock beeping) - Well, thanks for showing me your station.
- Think nothing of it.
If you're ever in a jam, just howl for W-A-Dog-Zed-Victor.
On 10 meters.
- What's this?
- I don't know, something I found in my lake pool.
- It's pretty.
Like a piece of glass.
- Keep it if you like.
I'm mailing another one off to a friend of mine for analysis.
(ominous music) (ship horn blowing) (door knocking) You hurt?
- No, man, it's my cat.
(gentle flute music) (water bubbling) - Where'd you find him?
- Under a pile of driftwood.
I was kicking around the lake when I saw it was old Short Arm.
Hell, looked like he was dead.
Then I felt a muscle twitch in his leg, so I scooped him up my beach towel.
As good as dead, huh, Doc?
- I'm afraid so.
- What did it?
- That's what I'm trying to find out now.
(gentle flute music) I can't do any more tonight.
Wanna wait till I wash up?
I'll give you a ride back.
- I'll make it.
Thanks.
Hey, Doc, you dig reincarnation?
Coming back again.
- I don't know.
I take it you do.
- Maybe I was a cat once.
Maybe next time old Short Arm will do the running on two legs.
Well, if I get 'em out of here and bury him.
- I'll do that for you if you don't mind.
- Old Short Arm would sure appreciate that, Doc, thanks.
Hey, Doc?
Ciao.
(gentle flute music) (ominous music) (somber music) (somber flute music) (dog whimpering) (unsettling music) - Hey, Millie.
Here, girl.
What?
What happened to you?
(sinister music) Easy girl.
Easy, Millie.
There we go.
(somber music) (distant boat horn tooting) (eerie music) (gentle flute music) I don't know what they are, Mac, but until I'm sure they're not dangerous to human tissue, I want you to take the one that I gave to Jeanne and get rid of it!
- Are you sure you haven't been living alone too long, Iane?
Millie could have cut herself on something, couldn't she?
Over.
- [Iane] She didn't cut herself, Mac, they burned burn to her stomach.
- Well, I'm sure that Jeanne isn't gonna eat the one that you gave her, over.
- Just the same, Mac.
Take it away from her and get rid of it.
Goodnight, Mac.
W-A-D-V-Z, out and clear.
(sinister music) - Hello, and welcome back.
Look, I'm not gonna patronize you.
I know there's no way you could be enjoying this thing.
- I'm not, but you know something?
- Well, yeah, I know a lot of things.
- This is familiar.
Like I have seen this before.
- [Baron] Really?
- Yeah.
I think, I think, I think I've seen this movie, but it was different.
Maybe it was in black and white.
Maybe it was a musical with people singing and dancing.
- Well, El Sapo de Tempesto, you're surprising me.
- Or maybe I heard it in a story once.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was back when I had the lumbago in my back and in one or my feet and Mitten's read to me.
- Well, Sapo, for once, you're right, because this was originally a short story called "The Dune Roller," and it was first published in 1950 in a magazine called "Astounding Science Fiction."
- And it was written by that lady, Kruptkey, Kreptkey, something like that, right?
- It was written by a lady named Julian May but she had a billion pin names like Judy Ditky, Lee N. Falconer, John Feilen, Matthew G. Grant.
And I swear I'm not making this up, Wolfgang Amadeus Futslogg.
- Why did she have so many male-sounding names?
- Well, maybe because she thought it would be difficult for a female author to be accepted by the predominantly male fandom back in the 1950s.
- My, how things have changed.
- Yeah.
But to be fair to the nerds of the past, she was the chair of the 10th World Science Fiction convention which was held in 1952.
- I was there!
I shared an elevator with Theodore Sturgeon.
- No you didn't and no you weren't.
Folks, for my money, there's nothing better than classic sci-fi from the golden age.
Great sci-fi was available in print and on the radio, it was truly a wonderful era.
- What about TV, what about TV?
Was there any good sci-fi on TV?
- Tons, in fact "The Dune Roller" was also made into an episode of "Tales of Tomorrow."
- Good lord, how many times has this thing been filmed?
- Just twice, once on "Tales of Tomorrow" and once in the form of this, this, this horrible thing you brought us tonight.
- So I'm guessing the "Tales of Tomorrow" thing was good.
- Yes it was.
Classic sci-fi was always good and allowed for the pure joy of escapism.
Young people would stay up late reading magazines like "Infinity" or "Amazing Stories" or "Fantastic Stories of Imagination" or they'd watch other shows like "The Outer Limits" or "Tales of Tomorrow," it was wonderful.
Even if they never quite captured what the future would be like.
- What do you mean they never captured the future?
- The magazines were full of stories that said things like, "In the year 1999, "the fifth martian colony has just been completed "and the United States space scientists "are busy planning the colonization of Neptune."
- Whoa, I was around in 1999.
I don't remember any of that stuff happening.
- That's 'cause it didn't, you boob.
Back then, fantasy and sci-fi often took two opposite courses.
Either the future would be bright beyond belief and technology would do wonderful things for us or the future would be an authoritarian hell scape and technology would enslave us and rob us of our freedom.
- Yeah, yeah, I guess no one ever wrote a book that began, "It was 2089, "the cable went out again "and the wifi is spotting at best.
"I had a ham sandwich and then I went to the movies."
They never describe the future that way.
- No one can accurately predict the future.
But the hope is always that the future will be different than the boring present.
- But the future never seems to arrive, does it?
- No.
Nothing ever seems to get better, ever.
There's never a glorious or golden future, only a depressing present and a distant past which fades into memory.
- Oh boss, things are gonna get better.
- No, they won't.
In fact, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.
We need to talk.
You know what, nevermind.
We'll talk about this later.
Folks, let's get back to the depressing, insulting "Cremators" here, on Nightmare Theatre.
- You see me like I'm some kind of bug, right?
- Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.
- Your pad's on fire and your kid will burn.
- More or less.
- How come you're so into bugs?
- It's what I want.
- That's not the way I heard it.
- I came back here because I wanted to be haunted by my personal memories.
(faint radio woman singing) - What was she like?
Your MC?
- Like a dream, mostly.
Like something you make up.
I was buried in it, up to my neck.
- I know.
And sometimes getting up at night to stare into darkness And you curse at the pillow that's wet.
And you beat it out, trying to go back to sleep again.
(pleasant harp music) (ominous music) (waves whooshing) (exciting music) (tires screeching) What was that?
Iane, the light.
- Yeah.
- What was it?
It looked like it was out there sitting on the windshield.
- Heat lightening, maybe.
(foreboding music) Stay in the truck.
(ominous music) - It was lightning.
Anything important?
- [Iane] Come on.
(foreboding music) ♪ In the morning ♪ ♪ And what I saw was you ♪ ♪ The ice upon the rig it froze ♪ ♪ And the cold wind fiercely blew ♪ ♪ And miles and miles of antelope ♪ ♪ Lined the shores of Michigan ♪ (gentle music) (rock beeping) (sinister music) (man yelping) (man screaming) (fire rumbling) (eerie music) (ominous music) (foreboding music) (foreboding music) (suspenseful music) (rock beeping) (ominous music) (truck engine rumbling) (birds chirping) (gentle flute music) (ominous music) (rock beeping) (intense music) (rock beeping) - Member of Seamans International Union, name of... Zan... Zandbergen, George.
What time was it when you found this, Doc?
- A little after midnight.
I just came back from dropping Kurt Mackinison's niece off.
- Nothing else worth mentioning?
- No.
Just the way you see it.
- Funny, both them accidents happening right around here.
- Yes, it is funny.
- Judging from the heat it took fuse this stone, I'd say it would sear any human flesh right to the bone.
- I need a copy of your report to the coroner.
- First thing in the morning.
- You know, I've seen men hit with flamethrowers and what was under them didn't look this wicked.
- Lightening's pretty hot stuff.
It could boil the soles right off of a man's shoes without even scratching him, or it can generate enough heat to melt metal.
- How do you know it was lightening?
- What else could it be?
Now if it finished out at something like that then I'd start wondering.
But Phil's car turned inside out and melded together like butter and this poor guy, why, he was hit by lightning.
- You got any other ideas, Mr. Thorne?
- No, I can't say I have.
But it seems strange to me that his sea bag was found so far from where the road was scorched.
- What of it?
He could have been thrown when he was hit.
- Yeah.
Could have been running too.
- Running, from what?
His money and things are all here.
- Why did I ever want to be county medical examiner for?
Same reason I wanted to be sheriff.
Folk respect you.
- Hello, and welcome back.
"The Cremators."
- Yes, "The Cremators," burning up the screen with fiery action!
- That's not gonna happen.
- But I saw the poster for this film.
It said the movie would be "scorching, ravaging, engulfing."
Those are some hard words, and I bet they mean something very exciting.
- I don't care what the poster said.
Have you seen anything that you would call either "ravaging" or "engulfing?"
- I have not, sir.
- [Baron] Have you seen anything exciting?
- Other than that hammerhead shark at the beginning of the movie?
- [Baron] Yeah.
- No, I have not.
- No you haven't, and you want to know why?
This is a terrible movie.
The director was absolutely horrible.
- Wait, I just realized something.
You haven't told me who directed this thing.
- That's right.
- Well, do you know?
- Of course I know.
- Well, lay it on me, brother.
- Okay, tough guy, you asked for it.
This film was directed by serial cinematic offender, Harry Essex.
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah, "uh-oh" is right.
In addition to this monstrosity, he also directed "I, the Jury," "Octaman" and "Mad At the World."
All four of his movies are terrible.
Really, beyond terrible.
- I wonder how he ever got a movie made.
- It wasn't hard, look at this thing, Sapo.
The man had three bucks and a camera.
Once he got it in his head to make a movie, there was no stopping him.
He didn't need anything as grandiose as an idea, or even a script.
He just turned on the camera and went to town.
He was not a good director in any sense of the word.
- Well, he must have had some good qualities, everyone does.
- You don't and neither did he.
- Well, he must have done something good.
- He wrote "The Creature From the Black Lagoon."
Other than that, he was just another hack with a pawn shop typewriter churning out episodes of "Dragnet" and "I Dream of Jeannie."
- So he wasn't much of a director or a writer.
- No, he was neither of those things.
Sapo, this movie came out in 1973.
Let me tell you what other movies came out in 1973.
"The Exorcist," "Mean Streets," "Live and Let Die," "Westworld," "Enter the Dragon."
- And this one, and this one, and this one!
- Yeah, yeah, this one.
- But this movie has some good points, some good things, right?
- No it doesn't.
- But once the, once the fire people show up, it's gonna get cooking.
You see what I did there, fire people and cooking?
Did you like that?
- What are you squawking about?
- The poster for this movie said, "From the sun come the fire people "to incinerate all of mankind."
- That's not gonna happen.
- So is anything near that gonna happen?
Is the fire people ever gonna show up?
- No, no, no, no.
- But the poster said "fire people," the poster said "fire people."
- Sapo, how many times do I have to tell you this?
Posters lie.
They fool morons like you.
Let me show you how easy it is.
- Okay, show me, show me, show me.
- Sapo, here are three stacks of cards.
- I see.
- One stack contains adjectives, one stack contains verbs, one stack contains nouns.
All I have to do is take one card from each pile.
- Okay?
- And I get "Space-age ninjas fight."
Now I could work that into a movie taglines.
"See space-age ninjas fight the fire people," to use your example.
- I'm starting to see.
You can put anything on a poster, can't you?
- You sure can.
Let me try again.
"Evil librarians...
"dance."
"See evil librarians dance with the fire people."
Anybody can string words together.
They mean nothing.
- Let me try, let me try, let me try.
- Oh no.
- Let me see, let me see.
Let's see what I got here.
- [Baron] What'd you get?
- Okay, "useless, "man servant," "fired?"
- "Useless man servant fired, eh?
- Well, that's crazy, isn't it?
- Yes, yes it is.
Folks, let's get back to "The Cremators," here on Nightmare Theatre.
- That was just a crazy combination of words, wasn't it?
Good thing none of us believe in predicting the future around here, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, that's a good thing.
(gentle flute music) (distant boat horn tooting) - [Iane] They generate heat, as you probably know.
I found out the hard way.
- Sure you didn't try to do your own cooking?
- [Doctor] Where did you find those little marbles?
- The two I sent you came out of a dog's stomach.
- Observe my findings and you were almost right when you said it generates heat.
It gives off long infrared, mostly stacked up around 200,000 angstroms.
But its energy is way out of proportion to what you'd expect of the equation.
Also, it's an individualist.
Sometimes a slight nudge will set it off like a rocket.
And then again, you can hit it with a sledgehammer and it won't perform at all.
Even sucks.
- You mean that piece of whatever it is can think?
(rock beeping) (somber horn music) - [Doctor] Are you saying this is what killed that seaman?
- That's the container that I mailed those two droplets to you in.
Only, when I found this, two droplets were missing.
Anything that can do that to a piece of medical can do a pretty good job on a human body, wouldn't you say so?
- Iane, I am a physicist, as you're a biologist, or we both do in scientific facts.
What you are saying... - But Willy, two men were burned to death.
Why?
- Well, it could be what the medical examiner thinks.
A car overturned... or lightning.
- You're not really that skeptical, are you, Willy?
- No.
I'm just baffled.
- Well, let's hit the sack, I'm beat.
We can worry about that some more tomorrow.
(foreboding music) - Maybe we should pack it in a pale of ice.
- What for?
If it decided to radiate, it probably melt the pale before it melted the ice.
Besides, it never radiates unless it's disturbed.
(somber music) (ocean waves whooshing) (sinister music) (unsettling music) (fire crackling) (Iane gasping) (rocks beeping) (foreboding music) (ominous music) (ocean waves sloshing) (dramatic instrumental music) (sinister music) - Willy.
Those stones, they burned their way through that drawer.
- I know.
I can see what they did.
Not only can it radiate it well, it can focus its own radiation and limit its energy output.
- Those men, Willy, they didn't die by lightning or an accident.
(sinister music) - Hi!
I'm Jackie Joseph from "Little Shop of Horrors" and I highly advise you to watch Nightmare Theater!
Boo!
(thunder rumbling) (exciting music) - So, so he had his brother, right?
And Richie's brother went upstairs and then one day he never came back.
- He never came back down?
- The whole "Happy Days," they never talked about the brother, he just vanished.
- Are we having a yard sale here today?
What's happening?
- I'll give you three dollars.
- Anyway.
- Two dollars.
Well, this, of course, is the Mysterious Curator and we're we're back here down in the... Sub, sub, sub, sub basement of the television station with, and he's brought us some more items from the Merrill Movie Museum.
Now what exactly is happening here?
This looks like you went to the thrift store.
What is all this stuff?
- Well, I mean, in a way, sort of.
So these are items that were given out as gifts to crew members that worked on the various films or TV shows that are represented.
It's very common at the end of a production, whether it be the end of a TV season or the end of a film for crew members, cast, et cetera, to be given some kind of gift for, you know, recognizing their work on the project.
- Is that right?
- In addition to-- - The last episode you get a gift, huh?
- No, just shush.
Ixnay on the-- - [Curator] It's projects with a budget.
- Oh, so we're out of-- - Yeah, so.
- [Baron] I'm good.
- So there's a variety of different things that you might see in the course of these things.
Some of the things that are really common are things like a jacket.
Like this particular jacket here was given out to crew members that worked on the movie, "Green Lantern."
You can kind of see the "Green Lantern" logo there.
It's got the nice green color.
- [Sapo] They should've given lanterns.
- So jackets, t-shirts, bags sometimes.
And this is, again, another gift that was given on "Green Lantern."
- "Green Lantern."
- You know, it's just a nice, useful bag that you can use and it shows that you worked on the show.
- So they, they handed over bags and they said, "We're sorry you had to work on this movie, "here's a bag for you."
- Get out the door.
- Sometimes... that might be the case.
- Yeah, that's what it kinda is.
- Other times, they try to do something that might be useful around your house.
- I'd have filled this back with toilet paper and... (curator chuckling) - So, in the case of this, this was given out for one season of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
As you can see, it's a flashlight with a five in one radio, you know, emergency kind of use that you'd have around your house.
It just happens to have-- - Did they give the "Star Trek" logo on it.
- them batteries?
- I don't believe that this has batteries, no.
So you're on your own for that.
- Wow.
- But yeah, you know, just opened up.
No, I'm wrong, there are batteries in there.
- Dilithium Crystals in there.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
So you'd have something like that.
Or, and again, this will date exactly how long ago season five of "Star Trek: Voyager" was.
They gave people that year, portable CD players.
- [Sapo] Ooh.
- [Baron] That's what Sapo's getting for Christmas this year.
- Yeah, That future technology that has stayed so relevant to this very day.
- Yeah.
- Other times they might do something that's a little more esoteric and a little more artful.
So we got a couple things like that as well.
This was done for the effects crew on "The Mummy Returns."
And it's a nice, you know, figure that would've looked very ancient Egypt, would've represented something in the film.
And then this one here was done for the film "Twister."
Again, this was for the effects crew and you can see why a weather van with a cow on it might be something that would be appropriate for that particular film.
- That was a great rider in the amusement park, "Twister."
- No, no it wasn't, that was the worst ride ever.
Are you, you kidding me?
You stood in there and they blew a fan on you, come on.
No, it's not, let's get back to this.
We're not talking about "Twister."
- Yeah, so there's a great variety of things that are done and sometimes these become collectibles, some people like to keep theirs forever, but they do get out into the secondary market.
People decide, "Well, I'm not using this.
"I'm gonna make a little money off of it."
- Right, especially the "Green Lantern" stuff 'cause nobody wants to keep anything off of that movie now.
Now, so, I mean this, but this would go mainly to crew.
Not like, there are different things like for cast to get a different gift?
- Yeah, cars.
- It can truly vary, it depends on the project and who's involved with it.
Sometimes everybody would get the same thing.
Sometimes it would be different things for different departments.
Sometimes some of the lead actors will buy things for the the entire crew.
So it just depends, I've seen everything from engraved key fobs to, you know, when you're getting into like a big name cast, it might be something really fancy and that, you know, they wouldn't give to everybody, you know, all the drivers and caterers and all that.
- Right.
- The grips.
But they would give to, you know, the top line cast.
That sort of thing.
- Right, and the people that were kind of there every day, working every day, working with the actors and, and you know, involved.
The camera people.
- Right.
- That sort of thing, and the special effects people, as you said.
Those kind of folks would always probably get something because just to remember that.
You know, I remember seeing...
Some of the first things that I saw that were crew gifts were the "Star Wars" jackets back in the day.
Those were really cool looking pieces.
So it's been a tradition in film to give the crew gifts.
Well, thank you so much for bringing this stuff in for us to see.
I'm gonna give you 20 bucks for this and take it with me.
And why don't you folks get back to the film here on a Nightmare Theater.
- We're gonna get 8-track players, aren't we, boss.
8-track plater.
(ocean waves rumbling) - Sheriff, you remember those stories used to hear told in these parts when you were a kid?
There were sand dunes.
- Yeah.
Some of them, I guess, why?
- Remember the one about there being a dune roller larger than a schooner, lived in a cave in the bottom of the lake?
- Yeah, I recollect I do.
My grandmother favored that one.
- Wasn't it something about it, it came out every a hundred years or so and rolled through the dune forest, leaving a strip of bare sand behind it where it hat eaten the vegetation, is that right?
- So one.
- What would you say, Sheriff, if I told you that there was more to that than just a legend and old Phil Masters and that seaman didn't meet with any accident, that they were burned to death by a dune roller?
- Well, I'd say that sure as hell beat to one my granny favored.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Let me assure you, Sheriff, that this is no joke.
Those tracks down there were made by this thing, whatever you're calling.
- Those tracks are right there.
That came down out of the house and into the lake.
- The highway patrol called to report that some jokers set fire to the asphalt at the highway intersection.
And then just before I come up here, Mrs. Lacey and them lights.
- [Iane] What lights were those?
- Ones she saw all night from her shop, running in and out of the woods.
And then you and your damn dune roller.
- Iane, I'd like to talk to this.
Mrs. Lacey.
- Now look, Doc, I'm a patient man.
When you plant yourself a bug garden out here, I go along with you.
But when you start talking foolishness, then I gotta call you on it.
- We're scientists, Sheriff, with some standing in our profession.
And doesn't this sound reasonable to you that we might know what the hell we're talking about?
- All right, let's go talk to Mrs. Lacey about them lights.
- Don't go telling me that I've got bats in my belfry, Pete Dixon.
I know what I see and I see what I know.
They were up there all night long.
- Who was, Mrs. Lacey?
- Summer vacationers come for picnic.
Were some of those long-haired hippies who planned to put up an art bazaar.
- You see them, Maggie?
- No, just the lights.
- Well is that all you say, Mrs. Lacey?
Just the lights?
(gentle flute music) - Well, that's enough, isn't it?
Someone had to be carrying them.
- But you didn't actually see anyone, did you, Mrs. Lacey?
(ominous music) (radio buzzing) - Radioactive.
Well, your dune roller may have taken to the lake but chances are he fell from outer space, originally.
- Wrong sex, Willy.
- I really wasn't aware of its having any sex.
- The reaction to this creature would seem to be those of a mother for her children.
A long time ago, Willy, whatever it is, came... smashing to Earth, and since that time, the core of it has been going around and collecting a drop of itself here and a drop of itself there.
In barn yards, in road beds and in sand dunes.
And it's been responding with the only defense it knew.
- Then your theory makes it vulnerable to some force.
- The question is, why has it been so inactive for so long?
- Well, some fault in the earth, maybe.
Recent earthquakes could have caused some shifting that brought some pieces up to the surface.
- Maybe.
And as you guessed, it sets no pattern for the way it thinks.
It's an individualist.
Sometimes it forgives.
Just threatens.
Other times, it goes all the way.
Try to keep it from getting away and it finds its own means of escape.
Hit it, it gets mad or sulks depending upon its mood.
- [Willy] Obviously, they may have a way of communicating.
- The more pressing fact is that the possession of any fragment is an invitation for our dune roller to come and retrieve it eventually.
- [Willy] Would you mind if we stored it in your beach pool instead of the house?
(playful flute music) (rock beeping) (pleasant music) (eerie music) - [Iane] Would Like you to meet a colleague of mine from Ann Arbor, Mac.
The name of Willy Seppel.
My friend is, he's a biophysicist and thinks that the drops are a great scientific discovery.
- Really, what do they do?
- [Willy] They give off a hot light when they're disturbed.
- You don't say.
Them little things?
- [Iane] And the larger they are, the more energy they grind up.
We have reason to believe that there's some bigger drops around.
Much, much larger.
(sinister music) Incidentally, how's that cute niece of yours?
I'd like to say hello to her.
- [Mac] Took the boat into Port Grand to buy herself a new dress or something.
Surprise for you.
She oughta be back (rock beeping) anytime now.
Beats me why she'd want a brand new dress with all those she brought up here.
- Oh, Mac, you're not gonna deny her a new dress after you just got yourself a new pan adapter, now are you?
- [Mac] Everybody knows old Mac.
- Hey, let me know if you need any help with that pan adaptor.
You might want to rig it up as a frequency monitor.
(sinister music) (Jeanne screaming) (Jeanne screaming) (rock beeping) (suspenseful music) Of course, if it's too much for you to handle, Mac, I'd be glad to take it off your hands at a bargain price, of course.
(suspenseful music) (Jeanne screaming) (Mac indistinctly talking) (suspenseful music) - Iane, help me!
- [Iane] Is that you?
- Iane, that thing is chasing me!
Talk to me, talk to me!
It's a ball of fire!
- Jeanne!
Jeanne, what's wrong?
- Jeanne, listen to me, that drop that I gave you for a souvenir the other day, did you get rid of it?
- [Jeanne] I gave it to Uncle Mac!
- Mac, what did you do with it?
- I can't remember.
(suspenseful music) - Quick, Mac, what did you do with it?
(suspenseful music) (Jeanne screaming) - I took it away from her, like you said.
- [Iane] What did you do with it?
- [Mac] I remember, I left it on the boat.
- [Iane] My god, man, where?
- [Mac] It's in a bottle just behind the radio, it's in the panel.
- Jeanne, listen, you must do exactly as I say.
Do you hear me?
- Yes, I can hear you!
Hurry up, Iane, hurry up!
It's after me, this thing is chasing me!
Quickly, Iane, it's almost here!
- That little amber drop that's in the boat in the bottle, get it!
(rock beeping) (suspenseful music) - I can't find it!
- [Mac] It's in a bottle!
- [Iane] Get it and throw it overboard.
- [Jeanne] Here it is.
- [Iane] Throw it overboard quickly!
(dune roller buzzing) (music intensifying) (Jeanne screaming) - Hello, and welcome back.
Folks, I know most of you see me, rightly, I might add, as someone who knows the answer.
Every game show in North America and Eastern Europe has banned me because I never miss a question.
But during the break, Sapo asked me a question.
Do you remember that question, Sapo?
- Yes.
I asked you if you wanted cheese popcorn or kettle corn.
- No, no, not that question, the other one.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said, "Boss, what is happening in this movie?"
- Yes, that one.
Folks, I just don't know, no one knows.
- You know what, maybe we could look it up in this book.
It's supposed to explain ancient unexplained mysteries.
- Oh, I doubt it, Sapo.
- Oh, it's certainly worth a try, it won't hurt the look.
Let me see here, Area 51, Loch Ness Monster, Roswell.
No, it's not in the table of contents.
Wait, wait, what is this, interesting.
This is interesting.
- What did you find?
- It says, let me, it says, "Preface."
What does a "preface" mean?
- It's pronounced preface.
- Okay, "Preface to the third edition."
Think of it, I'm confused here, boss.
- Think of it as the book before the book.
- Oh, like an appetizer, a meal before the meal.
Man, writers are weird.
- You're not gonna find "The Cremators" mentioned in a book on ancient mysteries.
- Well, let me read, let me read.
This says, "You purchased this book with "the coin of infatuation."
Ooh.
"You are interested in the unexplained, enigmas "and mysteries of histories.
"The Nazca Lines, the Bermuda Triangle, Roswell.
"We have gathered all the facts in this volume "and we present them to you."
I think they mean us.
- Not me.
- "So you can make "an informed conclusion.
"Editor's note: "please stop asking us about 'The Cremators.'
"All we know is that it is a 1973 film by Harry Essex.
"If you are asking us to explain this movie, " or if you are asking us to tell you "what happens in this movie."
- What?
- "We don't know, "so stop asking us."
- Well, I mean, I guess there you go.
Not even a book that claims to explain all the mysteries of the unknown can explain this movie.
- It's a mystery for the ages, boss.
- That's not the biggest mystery we're facing tonight.
We still have a huge mystery dangling in front of us.
- Hey, if it's about dinner, don't worry.
I can whip something up.
- No, no, it's not dinner.
The mystery is why the heck did you bring us this movie?
- I brought the only one I could find.
- And that's the problem.
It's always a bad one, you've never once... Nevermind, let's just get back to the movie.
- I'll find a good movie one day, I bet, boss, I'm sure.
- No, no!
No you won't - [Announcer] Dr. Donald Goodridge, please call your service.
(gentle flute music) - Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- You ever found out what my cat ate, Doc?
- No.
- I think I know what happened.
I had in mind dropping over to your place, but I saw you go in here.
Same thing almost happened to your chick.
- What do you know about that?
- I've seen those lights on the lake.
Sometimes coming from under the water.
Sometimes by the forest, and near that pile of drift wood where I found old Short Arm.
- Have you told anyone about this?
- Well, I thought to tell the sheriff about it the other day but... Well, he'd probably just tell me I'm on pills or something.
- What makes you think I won't tell you the same thing?
- You won't.
(gentle flute music) (man clapping) (electronic beeping) That's right, Doc.
It's been that way ever since the night I found Short Arm and brought him to you.
(electronic beeping) - Right this way, Commander.
- My name is Cunningham, local group commander.
Are you Dr. Thorne?
- Yes.
- I'll need you to fill in some details for my report.
(ocean waves whooshing) (distant boat horn blowing) (man clapping) (electronic beeping) At nine this evening, you reported to the local group office that a small craft was in trouble off of the mainland.
- It wasn't me, it was Kurt Mackinison.
- Well, we found the craft drifting off Port Grand lake.
That young lady was very lucky when she ran out of gas.
She was headed straight out into the middle of the lake.
- And there was nothing else near her?
- Why, was there something you expected to find?
- Well, we have reason to believe that a highly unusual occurrence was responsible for tonight's unpleasantness.
- You may come in now if you like us to go, Mr. Thorne.
- Thank you.
- Commander, have you ever read any science fiction?
- All night long, like something was out there.
Couldn't sleep.
Iane, I'm afraid.
- No.
All you have to do is get lots of rest.
(somber music) I'll see you tomorrow.
(ocean waves rumbling) - Oh, hello folks.
Welcome back, we...
I mean, somehow we hope you're enjoying "The Cremators."
I know.
I know there's not much I can say about it.
- It's not much of a movie, is it boss?
- It isn't, but I must say this, Sapo.
This is some topnotch coffee you've brought us tonight.
You might be utterly useless when it comes to everything else, but you can microwave a good cup of coffee.
- Thank you, boss.
- It reminds me of that little coffee shop in Paris.
- What was that waiter's name again, Jean-Luc?
- No, his name was Ricky and he got offended every time you called him Jean-Luc.
He was an American exchange student working his way through college.
Don't you remember, he chased you all the way from the Eiffel Tower to the Arc de Triomphe, swinging that wine bottle.
- Yeah, he could run pretty fast for a waiter, I'll give him that.
- Yeah, but not as fast as you, sadly.
At any rate, this is great coffee, what's the secret?
It's the creamer, right?
Is this Coffee Mate, is it Cremora?
It's got a deep, rustic taste that I can't identify.
- Oh, it's not Coffee Mate or Cremora, boss.
It's "Cremator" Brand creamer.
A new product from Von Doren and associates.
- [Baron] Cremator?
- Yes, Cremator.
See, I was looking at all the ashes of those people who got killed by those giant flaming balls and I was looking at the ashes and I thought to myself, "It kind of looks like non-dairy creamer."
And then I remembered the name of this movie.
And so I said to myself, "Sally, "'Cremator' sounds like a brand of non-dairy creamer."
- Oh, this ain't gonna end well.
- So I figured if it looked like non-dairy creamer-- - Oh no.
- And the name sounded right, it just might taste right.
- No, where did you get the ashes?
- Oh, here and there.
Barbecue pits in city parks, ash trays from the American Legion Hall, Municipal burn pits.
- No.
- Crematories.
You know, here and there.
- So that's just the can of ashes you collected?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's also gotten an anti-clumping agent.
- I'm gonna clump your agent!
- But boss, you said it was good.
- That was before I knew I was drinking the ashes of some cigar a guy smoked at the VFW.
- American Legion Hall, boss, American Legion Hall.
- That doesn't make a bit of difference.
We can sell... Sapo, we can't sell jars of ashes as a coffee additive!
It's gotta be against the laws of both God and man, or at least it violates some county ordinance.
- But boss, I've already pre-sold at every gas station in Alabama and Oklahoma.
Those Okies love it!
This stuff is just flying off the shelf everywhere else.
- Really?
- Besides, it only costs us 20 cents to make and we sell it for eight bucks a can.
- Eight bucks?
- Yes.
- And it costs us 20 cents?
- Yes, it does.
- Let me see that can.
Folks, if you're looking for the best non-dairy creamer on the market, reach for Cremator, the only non-dairy creamer endorsed by me, the Baron Mondo Von Doren.
- And each can has 10,000 units of calcium and the occasional surgical pin.
Those things don't always burn up.
- Ugh, so I guess you're saying it's chock full of both of vitamins and minerals?
- [Sapo] Indeed, I am.
- Yes, folks, Cremator is the clear choice.
Scientific studies have shown a good non-dairy creamer, properly mixed, can make even the worst movie 56% better.
- Sometimes there's a pacemaker in the ashes, but that's rare, you know, relatively speaking.
- You know, now would be a good time to zip it.
- Oh no, there's never zippers.
Those things always burn right up.
- Ixnay on the ipper-zay!
Folks, have a fine cup of coffee while we get back to "The Cremators" here, on Nightmare Theatre.
(crickets chirping) - [Willy] What's the devil are you doing out here, Iane?
You should be asleep.
- Turn the light out, Willy.
- Look.
(Iane clapping) (electronic beeping) (eerie music) Now you slap your hands together.
- What?
- Go on, slap them together.
Go on.
(Willy clapping) (electronic beeping) (eerie music) (Willy clapping) See Willy, whatever it is, those droplets rub off and when you spank them, they get mad.
Won't do any good, Willy.
I've tried everything.
- But it's a way for mom to trace her babies and anyone else who touches them.
- I've been standing out here trying everything, nothing checks out all the way.
How long before this thing disappears?
Will it disappear?
And if it doesn't, how do I know that it won't move on Jeanne again?
Don't you see?
I involved her in this and I involved you in this and I don't know how far it can go.
I don't know how to protect anyone.
(boat horn blowing) (unsettling music) Seven little devil eyes.
- Going into business?
How about a partner?
I have lab coat, will travel.
- Willy, it's time you went home.
Your family's gotta be worried.
- Ah, this business you're going into, you must have sone angle for success.
- I'm going to the hospital to pick up Jeanne.
You want me to give you a ride to the depot?
- Oh, tomorrow's time enough.
- Okay.
But tomorrow.
(foreboding music) (ocean waves whooshing) (rocks beeping) (sinister music) (gentle music) (ominous music) (rocks beeping) (intense music) (rocks beeping) (suspenseful music) (dune roller buzzing) (gunshots booming) (Willy groaning) (music intensifying) (fire rumbling) - Hello, and welcome back.
I know this is probably the worst movie you've ever seen and I thank you for sticking it out with us tonight.
What are you doing?
What are those things?
- Well, I got to thinking about the movie, boss.
- Oh, here we go again.
- And if I'm following the plot, right?
Those rock things somehow summon the fireball thing.
- And?
- I was thinking that maybe we could use these cubes here and summon fire of our own.
- Why would we want a fire of our own in the building?
Do you know how flammable this place is?
- Oh, boss, we got a good set of smoke detectors.
- No, no, no, we don't.
That would cost too much.
- But fire in here, it would be great.
We could toast marshmallows, we could grill wieners.
We could tell ghost stories.
- I'll tell the one about the ghost of the mask-wearing man servant who could never find a good movie.
- Oh, come on, boss, a fire would be fun.
Maybe we could train it to do our bidding.
In the movie the rocks just bring the fire demon.
But let me cast these out and see what happens.
(fire popping) - Holy brimstone, Sapo!
(siren alarming) You're gonna set the station on fire and burn it down!
- Woo-hoo, let me stand next to your fire, boss!
- You stay away from me.
- But we can make this fire do our bidding.
Is there anyone you want me to sick these flames on?
- Other than yourself, no!
Folks, let's just get to the conclusion of this horrible movie!
Sapo.
I've seen enough hellfire in my day.
Get the extinguisher!
- No, no time for that, I've got these things.
- What is this?
- We can grill some marshmallows.
(siren alarming) (gentle music) - It wasn't your fault, Iane.
It wasn't anyone's fault.
What are you going do?
- What I should've done sooner.
- I'm coming with you.
- No!
No one else!
(ominous music) Look, if you really wanna help me, you'll trust me.
I've gotta finish what Willy started.
- Please.
- No!
(ominous music) (rock eerily chiming) (sinister music) (ominous tempo music) (rock eerily chiming) (ominous tempo music) (rock eerily chiming) (music intensifying) (gentle flute music) (foreboding music) (suspenseful music) (rocks beeping) (suspenseful music) (rocks beeping) (eerie music) - Iane!
Iane!
(rocks beeping) (foreboding music) (eerie music) (rocks beeping) - Come on, devil eyes.
Bring her to me.
Bring her to me.
(music intensifying) (sinister music) (suspenseful music) - Iane!
Iane!
- Jeanne.
Why did you do it?
- [Jeanne] I was afraid, I didn't know what you were going to do.
- Get back, Jeanne!
Quick, over there, go on!
Cover up, Jeanne, quickly!
(rocks beeping) (suspenseful music) (sinister music) - Iane!
(dune roller buzzing) (suspenseful music) (Jeanne screaming) (explosion rumbling) (eerie music) - [Hippie] We finished with it, Doc?
- [Iane] I hope so.
- [Mac] Too bad we couldn't learn more from it than to destroy that thing.
- Let's go home, Ian.
(gentle flute music) (eerie music) (sinister music) (rocks beeping) - Well, thank heavens that's over.
That was absolutely the worst movie we have ever shown.
Maybe even the worst movie ever made.
- It was certainly no "The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing."
- And who brought us these movies, who brings us all these bad movies?
Mittens, Mittens, was it you?
No, it wasn't me.
Was it me?
Did I find this atrociable, horrible waste of time?
No.
So, hmm... Who does that leave?
- The guy in the basement.
- No stupid, you!
You bring us the absolute worst movies ever made when there are so many good ones out there!
Every single day, I hope and pray you will bring us something good, something interesting, at least, and to top it off, you set the compound on fire and ruin my rock garden.
You can't do anything right.
- Maybe I'll find something better soon.
- You won't.
The conversation we had earlier about good and bad sci-fi got me to thinking.
I'm tired of dealing with the absolute worst of the worst when there are good films out there, in fact.
This is, this is, this is-- - This is what, boss?
This is the first day of the rest of our lives.
This is life, the one you get, so go on, have a ball.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
This is radio clash from pirate satellite.
- No, this is the end!
Things have got to change!
You lack discipline and motivation.
- Am I being fired?
- No, I wanted to fire you, but I took a vote against Mittens, myself and the curator and a two to one vote, your job was saved.
- Woo-hoo for democracy.
- But things are gonna change.
- Maybe I could take a seminar or something.
Maybe a master class with Mr. Belvedere on the manservant arts.
- Funny you should say that.
Mittens, hand me that brochure down there.
- What do you got there, boss?
What is that?
- You see, my good man, you're going to military school.
- What?
- And this one must be good.
It's been investigated by authorities 26 times.
- No, no!
But boss, but boss.
- But nothing, your bus leaves in five minutes.
Don't forget to write.
- But I don't wanna go to military school, boss.
I got a deviated septum, I've got two of 'em, in fact.
- Oh, they'll fix that.
Out you go, Private Sapo.
- I don't wanna go, boss, I don't wanna go.
- Folks, I'm sorry you've been subjected to such awful movies.
Mittens, you pack your steamer trunk.
We're hitting the road for a well deserved vacation.
Maybe we'll go to some mountain cabin in Northern Europe.
They don't have phones up there.
Or maybe some beach in the South Pacific where the movies are good and the Mai Tais are free.
We can do whatever we want without Sapo.
We'll be on the beach having a great time and he'll be sweating it out in military school.
(Baron laughing) So long for now, folks!
Until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.
Come on, let's go, boy.
I think we should head for the beach.
(exciting music) ("The Ants Go Marching One By One" instrumental music) - [Drill Sergeant] What is your major malfunction?
Move it, move it, move it!
Move it, move it, move it!
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