♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Renee: A LOUISVILLE MAN ANSWERS THE QUESTION OF HOW FATHERS CAN REMAIN ACTIVE AND RELEVANT IN THEIR KIDS LIVES AFTER THE INK DRIES ON THE DIVORCE DECREE.

AND A LEXINGTON MAN STEERS A FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE TO EDUCATE THEM ON RESPONSIBLE PRACTICES AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

STAY TUNED FOR A SPECIAL FATHER'S DAY EDITION WITH STEVE ADAMS AND DAVID COZART NOW ON "CONNECTIONS."

>> Renee: THANK YOU FOR JOINING US FOR CONNECTIONS TODAY.

EYE RENEE SHAW.

AS WE CELEBRATE FATHERS TODAY, I'VE GOT TWO DYNAMIC GUESTS.

THEY'LL SHARE HOW THEIR WORK EMPOWERING FATHERS TO BE ENGAGED IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES.

LATER WE HEAR FROM AUTHOR STEVE ADAMS WHO WROTE A BOOK ENTITLED "NOW WHAT: A DIVORCE DAD'S GUIDE TO PARENTING EXCELLENCE TO HELP FATHERS EFFECTIVELY CO-PARENT."

HE SHARES HOW HE REDEFINED SUCCESS TO PUT HIS FAMILY FIRST.

RIGHT NOW I'M DELIGHTED TO SPEAK TO DAVID COZART, RECOGNIZED AS A PHENOMENAL FATHER BY NEBZ'S TODAY SHOW IN 2017.

I REMEMBER THAT.

I WATCHED IT.

IN HIS WORDS, CHILDREN WOULD BE FINE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GROWN FOLKS.

HE IS THE DIRECTOR OF THE NON-PROFIT LEXINGTON LEADERSHIP FOUNDATION'S FATHER INITIATIVE AND HE SPENT THE LAST 20 YEARS WORKING WITH FATHERHOOD ENGAGEMENT PROGRAMS.

HE WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN THE SUCCESSFUL LAUNCH OF KENTUCKY'S FIRST EVER FATHERHOOD SUMMIT IN TBENTD 2019.

HE HAS DEDICATED HIS CAREER ON THE EFFECT OF FATHER'S ABSENCE TO CHILDREN AND HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMMONWEALTH'S CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES.

THANK YOU.

I SHOULD CALL YOU Dr. COZART AFTER ALL THAT.

>> NO NEED FOR THAT.

>> Renee: IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU IN PERSON.

I'VE SEEN YOU A LOT ON THE ZOOM AND ALL OF THAT.

SO IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU IN PERSON.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Renee: AT THE TIME THIS RECORDING AIRS, YOU WILL HAVE FINISHED YOUR 17th ANNUAL FATHER'S DAY EVENT IN LEXINGTON.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN YESTERDAY, A GREAT TIME AT DOUGLASS PARK AND SHARING AT FIRST AFRICAN BAPTIST CHURCH, A MARCH AND A BEAUTIFUL TIME TO REPRESENT FATHERS AND FAMILIES AND CHILDREN.

>> Renee: SO YOU REALLY HELP THESE FATHERS FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS UNDERSTAND THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING A FATHER OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND MAYBE EVEN CONFRONT THEIR OWN TRAUMA AND THE TRAUMA THAT YOU HOPE TO PREVENT THEM FROM EVEN PASSING DOWN TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN.

IS THAT A PRETTY GOOD SUMMATION?

>> YEAH, I WOULD SHIFT THE PRONOUN FROM ME TO WE.

SO THAT WHAT IS WE DO AND I SAY WE BECAUSE WE TAKE A VERY COLLECTIVE IMPACT APPROACH.

WE WANT COMMUNITIES AND COLLABORATIONS TO BE DOING THE BODY OF WORK.

BUT YES, THE WORK IS DESIGNED TO INCREASE FATHER ENGAGEMENT AND WORK DIRECTLY WITH FATHERS AND HELPING THEM OVERCOME ANY BARRIERS TO THEM BEING THE BEST FATHER THAT THEY CAN BE AND THAT WE FEEL THEY REALLY WANT TO BE INHERENTLY.

>> Renee: AND THE LAST PHOTO THAT WE SHOWED IS YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE.

WE WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO HER IN A PICTURE.

LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE HAVING YOUR PASTORAL INSTALLATION BUT THAT'S ANOTHER CONVERSATION.

>> SHE WON'T LET ME COME OUT LOOKING LIKE THIS.

I SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE CASUALLY TODAY.

>> Renee: WE CAN SEE YOU CLEAN UP PRETTY WELL IN THAT PHOTO.

I WANT YOU TO TALK ABOUT THE SIGNIFICANCE OF UNBROKEN AND THIS CIRCLE HERE.

THIS IS VERY SIGNIFICANT THAT YOU HAVE ON.

>> IT IS.

EACH YEAR AT THE EVENT THAT WE HAVE JUST HELD, WE TRY TO DO SOME MESSAGING OBVIOUSLY, THROUGH THE T-SHIRTS, SOME 3-400 T-SHIRTS WE DISTRIBUTE AND THIS PARTICULAR MESSAGE SPEAKS TO IT.

IT'S WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, SIMPLE BRILLIANCE OF MIND, RIGHT.

UNBROKEN.

THERE IS A BEND BUT IT IS NOT BROKEN AND THE CIRCLE HARKENS BACK TO THE OLD HYMN, MAY THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN.

WE BELIEVE THAT FAMILIES ARE STILL TOGETHER.

THERE IS STILL USE IN OUR SOCIETY AND OUR ENVIRONMENT AND OUR NEIGHBORHOODS FOR STRONG CO-JOINED FAMILIES, RIGHT BUT ALSO US INDIVIDUALLY AND WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AS A COUNTRY WITH ALL THE ISSUES THAT WE HAVE DEALT WITH.

WE BENT BUT WE ARE NOT BROKEN AND WE ARE STILL HERE.

>> Renee: HOW HAS YOUR DISCOURSE OR TRAINING OR SESSIONS CHANGED BECAUSE OF THE HEALTH PANDEMIC AND 2: BECAUSE OF THE SOCIAL UNREST AND THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST 18 MONTHS.

>> IT HAS IMPACTED US IN MANY WAYS.

IT HAS CAUSED US TO RECALCULATE AND REROUTE HOW WE WOULD DELIVER DIRECT SERVICE PROGRAMMING SO WE WENT VIRTUAL.

WE CAME OUT OF JAILS.

WE WERE IN JAILS AND STATE INSTITUTIONS.

THAT CEASED AND WE HAD TO DO OUR STATE INSTITUTIONS VIRTUALLY AND STOP SOME OTHER PROGRAMMING.

THE SOCIAL JUSTICE ISSUES, WE HAVE BEEN INSIGHTFUL OR FORESIGHTFUL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT THROUGH THE FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE AND THROUGH FATHERHOOD WORK WE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHIFT SOME NARRATIVES ABOUT FATHERS THAT ARE MARGINALIZED, PARTICULARLY AND SPECIFICALLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN FATHERS AND THE NARRATIVE THAT IS GENERALLY SET AROUND THEM.

SO WE HAVE ALWAYS SOUGHT TO DO THAT.

BUT OF COURSE THE LATTER-- THIS PAST YEAR, HAS LAID BARE A LOT OF THOSE THINGS AND FORCED THOSE THAT DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT PREVIOUSLY TO RECOGNIZE IT.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT WE-- IT'S NOT AN ISSUE DU JOUR FOR US.

IT IS OPEN GOING.

>> Renee: THE POPULATION OF MEN, FATHERS THAT YOU DEAL WITH, ARE THEY MOSTLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN OR DOES IT COVER THE SPECTRUM OF GOD'S CREATION AS WE'LL CALL IT?

>> INTERESTINGLY THEY BECOME MOSTLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN AND I'LL EXPLAIN THAT.

OVERALL, NO, THEY'RE NOT.

WE SERVE ABOUT 45% OF OUR POPULATION IS AFRICAN-AMERICAN, THE LAST TIME WE RAN OUR COMPREHENSIVE NUMBERS IN OUR PROGRAM.

HOWEVER, IF YOU DO DISTILL THAT DOWN TO THE JAILS OR THE STATE INSTITUTIONS, THAT'S WHERE THE MAJORITY OF THE 45% OF OUR AFRICAN-AMERICAN FATHERS ARE AND SO THAT OBVIOUSLY SPEAKS TO THE DISPROPORTIONALITY IN INCARCERATION.

>> Renee: WALK US THROUGH WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO ENGAGE THE INCARCERATED.

>> SO WE, AT THE LEXINGTON LEADERSHIP FOUNDATION, USE A PARTICULAR MODALITY OF FULL SERVICE DELIVERY.

WE IDENTIFY PEOPLE OF FAITH AND GOOD WILL TO TACKLE THE ISSUE NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE IS.

AND SO I IDENTIFY THOSE MEN AND WE TRAIN FACILITATORS AND THE FACILITATORS GO INTO THE UNITED STATES TUITIONS PER THE INSTITUTION'S GUIDELINES, GET CERTIFIED.

WE GO IN ALSO AS STAFF.

WE DELIVER A RESEARCH-BASED COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL CURRICULUM AND INTERFACE WITH THEM AROUND FATHERHOOD, RESPONSIBLE FATHERHOOD, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, CO-PARENTING AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE WHILE THEY'RE THERE IN THE JAIL SO THEY CAN TRANSITION BACK HOME WITH MORE SKILLS THAN THEY HAD.

AND IT'S BEEN SAID THAT WHAT WE KNOW IS THAT WHEN THEY BUILD THESE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS BACK WITH FAMILY, MOTHERS OF BABIES AND THEIR CHILDREN, IT HELPS IN THE REDUCTION OF RECIDIVISM.

>> Renee: THAT'S WONDERFUL BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT 95% OF THOSE THAT ARE INCARCERATED WILL COME OUT AND THEY WILL REENTER SO WHATEVER TOOLS THAT WE CAN EQUIP THEM WITH WHEN THEY'RE BEHIND BARS WILL CERTAINLY HELP PREVENT THEM FROM GOING BACK IF WE DO IT RIGHT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ALL ARE DOING THAT INCREDIBLE WORK IN THE RIGHT WAY.

AS I MENTIONED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM.

YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMMONWEALTH'S CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES AND THERE IS A CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES AND TELL US ABOUT THE DISTINCTION AND HOW YOU ARE MOVING THIS WORK IN A STATEWIDE REALM.

>> I HAVE BEEN IN THE FATHERHOOD REALM FOR A COUPLE OF DECADES NOW.

WOW.

AND SO AS I HAVE BEEN IN THE FIELD, WE HAVE SEEN THE NEED TO NOT ONLY PROVIDE DIRECT SERVICE DELIVERY TO FATHERS AND FAMILIES AND CHILDREN, BUT THERE IS ALSO A NEED TO RAISE AWARENESS ACROSS THE SERVICE DELIVERY SYSTEM AND ACROSS SECTORS AND HELP INDIVIDUALS BECOME AWARE AND UNDERSTAND THAT FATHERHOOD AND FATHERHOOD ENGAGEMENT IS, IN FACT, THE PROTECTIVE FACTOR IN A SOCIAL DETERMINANT OF OUTCOMES FOR FAMILIES AND CHILDREN.

AND SO WE FELT LIKE WE KNOW THAT WE NEEDED A MECHANISM THAT ACTUALLY WORKED WITH AGENCIES AND ORGANIZATIONS AND SO THE COMMONWEALTH CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES IS A COALITION OF INDIVIDUALS AND AGENCIES THAT ARE WORKING TO PROPAGATE FATHERHOOD ENGAGEMENT ACROSS THE STATE AND TO INJECT IT IN SYSTEMS IN JUDICIAL SYSTEMS, IN COURT OR IN HUMAN SERVICE SYSTEMS, HEALTHCARE SYSTEMS.

SO IT'S MORE OF AN INFRASTRUCTURE DEVELOPMENT AND CAPACITY BUILDING FOR FATHERHOOD ENGAGEMENT ACROSS THE STATE.

EVENTUALLY WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THE CENTERS FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES ACROSS THE STATE AS OUTPOSTS OF DIRECT SERVICE DELIVERY, DIRECT SERVICE DELIVERY AGENCIES AROUND FATHERHOOD.

SO THE COMMONWEALTH CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES WOULD BE THAT EPICENTER THAT WOULD PROVIDE TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE AND BUTTRESS THE WORK OF THE CENTERS THAT WOULD BE WESTERN KENTUCKY CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILIES, BLUEGRASS CENTER... >> Renee: GEOGRAPHICALLY SPREAD AROUND.

>> YES.

>> Renee: HOW SOON DO YOU SEE THAT MATERIALIZING?

>> THE INFRASTRUCTURE FOR THE COMMONWEALTH CENTER FOR FATHERS AND FAMILY, THE BOARD STRUCTURE, ARTICLES AND BYLAWS ARE BEING DEVELOPED AS WE SPEAK.

WE ARE INCUBATING THAT ORGANIZATION UNDERSTAND THE LEXINGTON LEADERSHIP FOUNDATION CURRENTLY, WHICH IS A FUNCTION OF THE LEXINGTON LEADERSHIP FOUNDATION, BUILD CAPACITY AND LAUNCH AND SEND OUT.

SO WITHIN THE NEXT MONTH, WE SHOULD BE AN OFFICIAL ORGANIZATION.

BUT THE GROUP IS ALREADY MEETING IT'S ALREADY DOING VARIOUS WORKS SUCH AS THE STATEWIDE SUMMIT, WHICH WILL OCCUR AGAIN THIS YEAR IN OCTOBER AND SO THE BODY ALREADY HAS A STRATEGIC PLAN THAT WE ARE READY TO IMPLEMENT.

>> Renee: YOU ARE ALL READY BUT THE BUILDING, RIGHT?

>> WE GOT A PLACE TO LIVE.

>> Renee: YOU GOT A PLACE TO LIVE FOR A WHILE THERE.

WHAT ARE THE ISSUES THAT FATHERS ARE CONFRONTING THAT IS DIFFERENT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT HEALTHY MOTHERING?

>> >> THE DIFFERENT ISSUES-- BECAUSE THERE ARE MANY THAT ARE THE SAME-- ECONOMIC STABILITY, HOUSING, TRANSPORTATION, THE SAME THINGS THAT, YOU KNOW, VARIOUS MOTHERS DEAL WITH.

BUT SOME OF THE THINGS THAT ARE UNIQUE TO FATHERS ARE THAT THE ISSUES THAT THEY MAY DEAL WITH IN CO-PARENTING AND GATE KEEPING AND ANY DISTANCING THAT MAY OCCUR WITH FATHERS IN CERTAIN INSTITUTIONS.

AND A REAL EXAMPLE IS WHEN A FATHER, AND PERHAPS MOTHER, BABY GO TO A HEALTHCARE PROVIDER.

WHAT WE KNOW IS THAT THERE ARE, AT TIMES, DISTANCING THAT OCCUR BETWEEN THE PROVIDERS AND THE FATHER.

THEY WILL GENERALLY ADDRESS THE MOTHER.

THAT'S NOT CASTING ASPERSION AT THE PROVIDER.

THAT'S HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN DONE.

GENDER BIASES THAT WE KNOW THAT HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO BE IN SOME OF OUR COURT SYSTEMS, YOU KNOW.

AND AROUND CUSTODY AND VISITATION ISSUES.

THOSE ARE SOME BARRIERS THAT ARE UNIQUE TO THE FATHER, PARTICULARLY THE NON-CUSTODIAL FATHER.

>> Renee: SO AS WE CELEBRATE THIS FATHER'S DAY, AND WE SHOULD ALL CELEBRATE OUR FATHERS EVERY DAY AND MOTHERS EVERY DAY.

YOU KNOW, WHAT ADVICE DO YOU GIVE TO MEN WHO MAYBE HAVE BEEN DISENGAGED WITH THEIR CHILDREN FOR WHATEVER REASONS?

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THEM TO GET THEM BACK AND ON BOARD THEM TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR OFFSPRING?

>> I ALWAYS SEEK TO TAKE AN ASSET-BASED APPROACH WHEN I'M TALKING WITH MEN AND ENCOURAGING THEM TO BE IN THE LIVES OF THEIR CHILDREN.

SO ALL OF THOSE THINGS, NEGATIVE THINGS THAT OCCUR WHEN A FATHER IS ABSENT, HIGHER LIKELIHOOD OF POVERTY FOR THE CHILD, HIGHER LIKELIHOOD OF BEHAVIORAL ISSUES, HIGHER LIKELIHOOD OF EMOTIONAL ISSUES IN THE CHILD.

HIGHER LIKELIHOOD OF SELLING OR USING DRUGS, PROMISCUITY.

TO ENCOURAGE THE FATHER, I FLIP THEM.

I SAY TO THEM THAT YOU ARE AN AGENT THAT CAN MITIGATE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

AND IF YOU ARE THAT STRONG OF AN AGENT, YOUR PRESENCE HAS TO BE A POWERFUL, POWERFUL ELEMENT AND SO BE THERE, BE AS PRESENT AS YOU CAN.

THERE WILL BE BARRIERS.

BUT EVEN FATHERS THAT ARE UNMARRIED OR THAT ARE MARRIED IN MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE MOTHER OF THEIR CHILD EXPERIENCE BARRIERS.

BE ENGAGED, WHATEVER IT TAKES, YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CHILD AND YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF.

>> Renee: AND AS WE HEAR FROM THE NEXT GUEST, IF THE PARENT IS NOT THERE, THERE WILL BE SOME OBJECT OF THAT CHILD'S ATTENTION AND IT MAY NOT BE DESIRABLE.

SO THANK YOU, DAVID COZART, WHO WEARS MANY HATS HERE IN LEXINGTON FAYETTE COUNTY IN THE STATE AND WE ARE GLAD TO HAVE YOU.

WE APPRECIATE YOU SO VERY MUCH.

STAY WITH US.

COMING UP, I TALK WITH LOUISVILLIAN STEVE ADAMS WHO WRITES ABOUT WHAT HE CALLS THE OFTEN UNRECOGNIZED VICTIM OF DIVORCE: THE FATHER.

ADAMS WRITES ABOUT NOT BEING A WEEKEND PIZZA AND MOVIE GUY TO HIS KIDS AND HOW HE CHUCKED THE CORPORATE GRIND TO BECOME AN ACTIVE CONSISTENT PRESENCE IN HIS CHILDREN'S LIVES.

STAY WITH US.

STEVE ADAMS, AUTHOR OF "NOW WHAT: A DIVORCED DAD'S GUIDE TO PARENTING EXCELLENCE."

THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US AND HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU, SIR.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

>> Renee: WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CONNECT FOR SOMETIME.

THIS BOOK CAME OUT IN 2019, AND I'M CURIOUS TO ASK YOU, AND WE'LL GET MORE INTO THE CONTENTS OF THE BOOK, BUT IF YOU HAD TO REWRITE THIS OVER AGAIN, AFTER THE PANDEMIC OR WHEREVER WE ARE IN THE PANDEMIC RIGHT NOW, HOW MUCH OF IT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

>> I THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME ADDITIONS, YOU KNOW.

I THINK THERE WOULD BE-- I THINK I WOULD DESIGNATE OR ADD A COUPLE OF CHAPTERS THAT TALKS A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT I THINK WE MENTIONED OFF THE AIR ON SOCIETAL SHIFTS AND I THINK I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT IN, YOU KNOW, TIME SPENT AND I THINK YOU HAD ASKED ME AT ONE TIME ABOUT THE TIME, YOU KNOW, THAT PARENTS SPEND WITH THEIR CHURN THROUGH CHILDREN THROUGH COVID.

THE TIME IS THERE TO UTILIZE EFFECTIVELY.

I THINK THAT'S AN IMPORTANT THING TO MENTION.

YOU CAN BE AT HOME, BUT IF YOU ARE FLIPPING CHANNELS AND NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME IN A TERRIBLE, YOU KNOW, PANDEMIC OR, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU UTILIZE THE TIME ACCORDINGLY BECAUSE WE'VE ALL BEEN IN.

WE'VE ALL BEEN GOING THROUGH THE SAME THINGS AND IT'S JUST BEEN A FRENZY.

AND I THINK THAT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

>> Renee: THE LESSONS THAT YOU GIVE AND THE ADVICE THAT YOU GIVE THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK IS TIMELESS, WHETHER IT'S PRE, DURING OR POST-PANDEMIC.

I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE IN YOUR LIFE THAT INSPIRED THIS BOOK?

I MEAN IT SEEMS TO BE BASED OFF OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND EVEN THE FORWARD IS WRITTEN BY A MEDIA PERSONALITY IN LOUISVILLE THAT TALKS ABOUT THE STRAINED RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FATHER.

SO I'M REAL CURIOUS ABOUT THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS AND THE GROWTH THAT YOU EVEN SAW IN YOURSELF BY WRITING IT.

>> WELL, IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ASKED THAT QUESTION A LOT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS RAISED IN A VERY STRUCTURED HOUSEHOLD.

IT WAS VERY SIMILAR, AND YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER THE CLEAVER FAMILY, YOU KNOW, THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT I WAS RAISED IN WAS LIKE THE SAND LOT.

A LOT OF THOSE, YOU KNOW, THINGS, I ENVISIONED AND VISUALIZED WHEN I STARTED TO PUT THE MANUSCRIPT TOGETHER OF THIS.

I THINK WHERE I STARTED TO SEE THINGS REALLY UNRAVEL, THE YEAR THAT I HAD DIVORCED, WAS THE SAME YEAR THAT I HAD LOST MY FATHER.

I FOUND MYSELF TRADING A WHOLE LOT OF TIME FOR MONEY.

I WAS ON THAT PROVERBIAL CHASE, CLIMB THE LADDER CORPORATE AMERICA.

I SPENT ALMOST 22 YEARS DOING THAT.

AND YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT THERE WAS A LITTLE BIT OF DIVINE INTERVENTION.

I THINK THERE WAS, YOU KNOW, A TIME THAT I JUST HAD, MAYBE MORE THAN ONE EPIPHANY THAT I JUST, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT FATHER THAT WATCHED MY CHILDREN GROW UP IN PICTURES; YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE CLIMB THROUGH THE CORPORATE WORLD, NO MATTER HOW YOU SHAPE IT, IT'S A TRANSIENT HIGH FOR THE MOST PART.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TRAVEL AND YOU ARE WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE AND YOU ARE WILLING TO CLIMB THE LADDER, I MEAN THE CHECKBOOK IS TYPICALLY OPEN.

AND YOU KNOW, I STARTED TO EXPERIENCE THAT AND I WAS TRAVELING AND I WAS GONE A LOT AND I WAS GETTING HOME AT 9:00, 10:00 AT NIGHT AND GETTING BACK UP AT 5:00 AND JUST RINSE AND REPEAT FOR MANY, MANY YEARS, YOU KNOW, A COUPLE DECADES.

AND I JUST-- IT JUST HIT ME ONE DAY THAT THIS IS JUST NOT ME.

I HAD TO FIND THAT MIDDLE GROUND.

>> Renee: SO NOW THAT YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK AND HAD A COUPLE OF YEARS TO EVEN BE MORE REFLECTIVE ON IT, I'M CURIOUS ABOUT THE FEEDBACK THAT YOU'VE GOTTEN FROM OTHER DIVORCED MEN, NEWLY DIVORCED OR MAYBE LONG TIME DIVORCED, WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK THAT SAID THIS REALLY SPOKE TO ME.

AND IN WHAT WAY DID THEY TELL YOU THAT IT SPOKE TO THEM?

>> WELL, THEY DID BECAUSE IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE I RECEIVE EMAILS ON A CONSISTENT BASIS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S THE POWER OF AMAZON, THE BOOK ON AMAZON AND IT'S ON AUDIBLE, AND JUST THE EMAILS ARE VERY SIMILAR, YOU KNOW.

WE ALL HAVE A LOT OF US HAVE BEEN THERE.

TOP SURGEONS WHO, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE IN THE MANUFACTURING SECTOR TO TEACHERS TO REAL ESTATE AGENTS, TO YOU NAME IT, HAVE REACHED OUT AND SAID THIS IS TOUGH LOVE THIS IS A GREAT BOOK AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

IT WAS REALLY LATE ONE NIGHT AND I RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM AN ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON IN WHICH IALLY AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD LOST EVERYTHING.

WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR IN TERMS OF SUCCESS WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY OVER HERE, YOU KNOW, LIVING THE DREAM OF MEDICINE AND DOING HIS THING AND PAYING THAT PRICE LIKE I ALWAYS ALLUDE TO.

THERE IS A PRICE IT IS VERY DISHEARTENING TO LOOK UP AND YOU SEE YOUR KIDS ARE TWO OR THREE YEARS OLDER LITERALLY AND THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT YOU PROBABLY COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT.

AND HE SAID HE HAS GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

HE SAID I FELT LIKE THIS BOOK WAS SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME.

SO IT'S VERY GRATIFYING TO CONTINUE TO, YOU KNOW, CHANGE PEOPLE'S VIEWS AND THEIR PRIORITIES AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S SOMETHING YOU GOT TO WANT TO DO.

I MEAN YOU CAN'T GO INTO IT-- BECAUSE THERE ARE GOING TO BE CHANGES.

THERE ARE GOING TO BE CHANGES IF YOU ARE A SINGLE FATHER AND YOU ARE WORKING IN THAT GRIND OF THE CORPORATE WORLD.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE AS EFFECTIVE.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN JUGGLE BOTH, YOU CAN'T.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU CAN'T DO IT AT THE SAME LEVEL.

>> Renee: I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU-- MINUS A SITUATION WHERE THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE OR CRIMINAL SITUATION WHERE A MOM AND DAD SPLIT UP, WHAT ADVICE CAN A WOMAN GET FROM YOUR BOOK BY READING YOUR BOOK ABOUT HOW THEY SHOULD WELCOME THE REALLY CRITICAL PRESENCE CONSISTENT PRESENCE OF THEIR CHILDREN'S FATHER.

>> I THINK WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF LIVING IN THE PAST IN SOME REGARDS, YOU KNOW, THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED THAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE.

AND IT'S VERY, VERY CHALLENGING TO OVERCOME THOSE THINGS AND MOVE FORWARD AND THAT'S KIND OF LIKE MY MISSION STATEMENT IN REGARDS TO THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION THAT YOU ASKED ME IS MOVE FORWARD.

DOLLY BERRY IS A FAMILY COURT JUDGE IN JEFFERSON COUNTY COURT.

SHE RETIRED NOW AND SHE IS A PHENOMENAL LADY AND I SAT DOWN WITH HER WHILE I WAS PUTTING THIS BOOK TOGETHER AND SHE SAID STEVE, SOMETIMES THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE DISLIKE EACH OTHER SO MUCH THEY FORGET ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY AT STAKE AND THAT'S THE CHILDREN.

AND I THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, THE FATHER IS THE FATHERS JUST WANT TO BE A PRESENCE, THE MOTHERS JUST WANT TO BE A PRESENCE.

BUT THERE IS A LOT OF BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE BUT THOSE THINGS HAVE TO BE LEFT IN THE PAST IF YOU PLAN TO, YOU KNOW, TO STRATEGICALLY MAP OUT A PLAN OF HOW YOU CAN PULL THINGS BACK TOGETHER AND BE THE FATHER YOU WANT TO BE, BE THE MOTHER YOU WANT TO BE.

AND, YOU KNOW, BUT CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY.

YOU CAN'T SEND MIXED SIGNALS AND DO IT FOR A WEEK OR TWO AND THEN SAY THIS IS TOO MUCH AND GO BACK TO YOUR OLD WAYS.

IT'S A LIFESTYLE.

IT'S A CHANGE.

I CHANGED EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SCHEDULE.

THE HAPPY HOURS, THE DINNERS, THE TRAVELING, THE CONFERENCES OUT OF TOWN AND GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

I LOOK BACK AND THERE IS NOT ONE THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE.

>> Renee: AND THE CONSISTENCY, I THINK, WHAT IS YOU ARE GETTING TO WITH THE KIDS NOT JUST THE PARENTS NEED THE CONSISTENCY, BUT THE KIDS NEED THE CONSISTENCY OF KNOWING THAT DAD AND MOM ARE GOING TO BE AROUND AND THAT EVEN THEY WILL MAKE SACRIFICES IN THEIR CAREERS AND THINGS TO BE PRESENT WITH THEM, WHICH IS AN IMPORTANT LESSON THAT I THINK ALL OF US HAVE LEARNED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF COVID-19 ABOUT HOW LITTLE TIME WE ALL HAVE, REALLY, THAT LIFE IS FLEETING AND TO MAKE THE MOMENTS COUNT.

SO THE BIG ADVICE THAT YOU GIVE-- IF YOU COULD SUMMARIZE IT IN THREE MAJOR POINTS.

TAKEAWAYS FROM YOUR BOOK.

WHAT WOULD IT BE?

CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY.

YOU KNOW, HAVE YOU TO SHOW UP AND TELL YOUR KIDS YOU CAN'T AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THEY KNOW HOW TO YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM.

EVERY DAY-- AND I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

I'M CERTAINLY NOT TRYING TO CONVEY THAT BUT I DO KNOW THAT I HAVE HAD SOME SUCCESS AND, YOU KNOW, I'M NO SOCIAL WORKER OR PSYCHIATRIST OR PSYCHOLOGIST OR COUNSELOR.

I JUST WENT THROUGH AND WINGED IT AND HAD SOME SUCCESS AND I'M VERY FORTUNATE AND VERY BLESSED TO, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT ONE THROUGH COLLEGE AND THE NEXT ONE LEAVES IN AUGUST.

I WOULD SAY CONSISTENCY.

I WOULD SAY YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THINGS IN THE PAST AND MOVE FORWARD AND TRY TO DO BETTER.

AND I THINK YOU JUST HAVE TO LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T DO-- YOU CAN'T LIVE BY THE DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.

YOU HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, HAVE YOU TO INSTILL THOSE VALUES AND THOSE MORALS IN YOUR KIDS AND WE ALL FALL SHORT, I UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO-- YOU CAN'T, YOU KNOW, BROW BEAT YOUR CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE DOING THINGS THAT YOU ARE IN TOTAL OPPOSITION OF THAT THEY MAY BE DOING OR EXPERIENCING BECAUSE THE BOTTOM LINE IS IF YOU ARE NOT SPENDING TIME WITH THEM-- AND THIS IS SOMETHING TO LEAVE YOU WITH BECAUSE IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

IF YOU ARE NOT SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, SOMETHING OR SOMEONE IS GOING TO.

AND THEY'RE GOING TO GRAVITATE TO THAT AND YOU MAY NOT LIKE HOW IT TURNS OUT BUT WE SEE IT EVERY DAY.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS, THERE IS A WIDE ARRAY OF DISTRACTIONS IN TODAY'S WORLD.

THERE IS A DEVICE FOR EVERYTHING AND KIDS ARE JUST IN FRONT OF THEM ALL THE TIME.

YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KIDS AND SPEND TIME WITH THEM AND NOT JUST SIT ON THE COUCH WITH THEM AND NOT JUST, YOU KNOW, JUST KEEP WATCHING AND FLIPPING CHANNELS.

SOMETHING WILL GRAB THEIR ATTENTION AND IT MAY NOT BE TO YOUR LIKING.

>> Renee: I THINK THOSE ARE EXCELLENT AND WISE WORDS, STEVE ADAMS, TO LEAVE ON.

THAT IF YOU ARE NOT THERE, SOMETHING ELSE OR SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE AND IT MAY NOT BE BEST THING FOR THEM.

SO THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, THE BOOK AGAIN IS CALLED NOW WHAT, A DIVORCED DAD'S GUIDE TO PARENTING EXCELLENCE.

AND WE THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS AND THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US TODAY ON CONNECTIONS.

ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH RENEE.

IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.

>> MY THANKS TO STEVE ADAMS AND DAVID COZART OF THE LEXINGTON LEADERSHIP FOUNDATION FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE FOR JOINING US ON THIS DAY WE CELEBRATE FATHERS.

THANKS FOR JOINING US FOR CONNECTIONS TODAY.

STAY CONNECTED TO KET WITH ON DEMAND STREAMING OF CONNECTIONS UNDERSTAND OUR OTHER PUBLIC AFFAIRS PROGRAMS.

AND YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER@RENEE KET.

THANKS AGAIN FOR WATCHING.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, ESPECIALLY TO MY DAD, AND TAKE GOOD CARE.