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(piano flourish) (lightning crashing) ♪ One day, the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo von Doren ♪ On "Nightmare Theater" - No listen, maybe I'm not being clear about this.

It wasn't actually spray paint, as such, like the kind you use on cars, or birdhouses, or on train trestles if you wanna tell a girl how much you like her, or like we do on El Sapo when he's sleeping, or whatever.

It was more like a miracle delivered from the gods themselves.

It was a breakthrough product in every sense of the word.

It was called GLH, which stood for Great Looking Hair.

See, people with hair loss would spray it on their heads.

No, no, really, I'm completely serious.

They would spray paint their heads before going out in public with this miracle product, and get this, you could get it in different colors.

Grandpa would wake up with about six gray hairs on his head, and by noon, he would have a head with hair thicker and darker than Vegas-era Wayne Newton.

What?

Well, sure.

I guess someone could spray it on their back if they wanted more back hair.

It was a really great product, and the commercial was even better.

What do you mean, what if it rained?

Never fear my friend.

You could wear it during a hurricane and no one would ever know.

Even though it seems ridiculous now, it was one of the single greatest marketing strategies of all time.

There's a lot of money to be made in baldness.

Oh, wait, we're on.

Like the commercial said, the babes are back.

Hello, and welcome to "Nightmare Theater."

I am your host, the Baron Mondo von Doren, and here with me is Mittens the Werewolf.

We were discussing ideas that seemed ridiculous, but were actually brilliant as we wait for the man who was born ridiculous and stayed that way, El Sapo de Tempesto to show up with tonight's movie.

- Okay, okay, let me see, let me see.

We can take down that rusty old I-beam.

I mean, this isn't Donkey Kong.

And that wall over there is just gonna have to go, and I can put the fountain right there.

Come on, people.

Time is money, money is the boots of all evil, so it stands to reason the more time we waste, the more evil we waste.

- Sapo, what are you doing?

- Well, I'm remodeling the place, boss.

See, I stepped on an eggplant this morning and busted my head real good.

And when I woke up, a little bird told me to remodel the place, and I think I got me some good ideas.

- A bird told you?

- Yes.

- You aren't gonna remodel anything here.

- Oh, you don't think I can?

You don't think I have the ability?

I own seasons three through six of "This Old House" with that Bob Villa guy on VHS.

I bought them when I donated my money to PBS.

- You, what did you donate to PBS?

You don't have money.

- Oh, I always keep a few pennies stuffed in my mattresses and every little bit helps.

- Oh, your 37 cents must have been well appreciated.

- Amen.

I have watched each episode six times.

Now, those dovetail joints down there, they're gonna be replaced with mortis and tendon joints.

- You have no idea what those words mean, do you?

- Well, no, but I know for a fact I can do this.

- No, no you can't.

- Oh, you really don't think I can?

- Not only do I think you can't, I know you won't.

You're not a licensed contractor, and there is no way you're gonna start monkeying around in here.

- But I think I can make this place much better, boss.

- Do you have a building permit?

- No.

- Do you at least have a plan on paper?

- I do.

In fact, here you go.

- Thanks, um... (paper crumpling) - Boss, that was my only copy of that.

- You can clean that up later.

- But boss, I had some really good ideas.

Well, one at least.

I was gonna put the fountain right there.

- Stop.

You know this building doesn't have water.

- Oh boss, water ain't going in the fountain.

Remember when you told me I would never be able to make a gravy fountain- - Stop, stop, stop.

You're not gonna remodel this place, and a gravy fountain is impossible.

That's final.

- But boss, gravy, 24 hours a day, piping hot.

- Well, that does sound great, and I, no, no stop talking about gravy.

- Hot gravy, 24 hours a day- - No, no, no, no, no, no!

(Baron sighing) Sapo.

I see what you're doing.

This gravy fountain is a deliberate attempt to curry my favor.

- Curry gravy.

It would go real good over rice, wouldn't it, boss?

- Stop, foul tempter, and be gone!

We're not building a gravy fountain and that's final.

- Aw dang it, I gravy!

- Let me ask you something.

- Sure.

- While you were playing Bob the Builder, did you manage to find a movie for tonight?

- Nope.

- That figures.

- But I did find this while I was searching out gravy fixings.

I'm not sure what it is.

- (sighing) Let me guess.

You have another chapter of "Flash Gordon" for us.

- Well, the title is a little worn off, and I think that's what it says.

I think this one is about some guy named Ray, maybe.

- Well, it's a shame about Ray, but this has nothing to do with that guy.

This is chapter four, The Destroying Ray.

- I bet this is the good one, maybe even the best one.

- There are no good ones.

The only thing even remotely good about this chapter is that it features John Hamilton as Flash's dad.

Hamilton went on to gain fame worldwide and adoration for playing Perry White in TV's "The Adventures of Superman."

- Speaking of Flash Gordon, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, who plays Flash in this version, boss?

- A guy named Buster, Buster Crabbe.

- (scoffing) With a name like that, I bet that guy never did anything after this, huh?

- Well, surprisingly enough, he did.

He was called the King of the Serials.

- You know, I always thought that was King Vitaman.

- No stupid, not the kind you eat, the kind you watch.

Prior to this fiasco, Crabbe played Tarzan and Buck Rogers.

He played Billy the Kid in movies many, many times, and he played Captain Gallant of the Foreign Legion on TV.

Despite what you're seeing now, he was quite a star, and was extremely popular in his day.

He was an amazing athlete and he remained active his entire life.

In 1971, he broke a world record in swimming for people over 60.

He died in April 23rd, 1983, just three days before Shirley Dean who plays the princess in this mess.

- Well, who else has played Flash over the years?

- Well, lots of people.

My friend Sam Jones played him in the 1980 film version.

Eric Johnson recently played Flash on TV, and speaking of movies and TV, shouldn't you be doing something right about now?

- You know, you're exactly right.

I have to renew your subscription to "TV Guide" and I'll renew Mittens' subscription to "Cosmo" while I'm at it.

- I meant finding a movie for tonight.

Do you think you could find one while Mittens and I show this latest chapter?

Would that really be too much to ask?

- I'm on it like a baby with a bonnet.

- I don't know what that means, and I don't wanna find out.

Folks, while he's off looking for a movie, let's watch chapter four, The Destroying Ray, here on "Nightmare Theater."

(triumphant music) (lightning crashing) - [Narrator] Chapter four.

Emperor Ming, rejoicing in the belief that Flash and his party have been destroyed, intercepts a radio message from Flash to his father saying he has discovered polarite, an antidote for the death dust with which Ming is bombarding the earth.

Ming, enraged, and knowing his soldiers cannot survive the intense cold of Frigia, sends Torch against the expedition with an army of mechanical men charged with explosives which Torch can control and explode from his ship.

Deep in the frozen wastes, the walking bombs attack the expedition and... (suspenseful music) - Oh, Flash, I can't make it!

- You've got to; it's our only chance!

(soldiers clanking) (electricity crackling) (explosion banging) - Dale Arden escaped from Ming when the earth man visited Mongo before.

Ming will pay as much for Dale alive as he will for Zarkov.

- Careful, don't let the annihilaton drop her.

- They've got Dale.

- Come back!

You'll be blown to atoms.

- Explode the annihilaton.

- And kill the girl?

- Oh, I've got a chick worth two of that.

(electricity crackling) (Zarkov shouting) Got 'em.

Dale Arden and Zarkov.

This means a hundred thousand mingols to you and me.

(dramatic music) - Flash!

Flash!

(Flash coughing) Flash!

Flash, where's Dale?

- Dale?

I don't know.

All I could see was ironmen.

There was an explosion that knocked me out.

- By their tracks they've gone in that direction.

- Flash is dead, killed in the explosion.

You and the good doctor are on your way to the palace of Ming the Merciless.

He's always wanted both of you.

Pilot, get underway.

- Better destroy Zarkov's ship first.

- No, it's too valuable to destroy.

We have no pilot capable of flying it but myself.

We'll return for it after we deliver our prisoners and collect our reward.

- Ronald, what happened?

Where's Dale?

- The mechanical men got her.

Zarkov and I tried to stop them and... they must have gotten Zarkov, too.

(ship buzzing) It's Ming's ship.

They're carrying off Dale and Zarkov.

- Let's go after them in our ship.

- No, I can't do it.

- You're not gonna let them run off with Dale?

- Dr. Zarkov?

Ming will kill him.

- Yes, I know all that, and I love Dale and Zarkov more than anyone can know.

But they're only two lives, while on earth, millions of people are facing death in the path of the purple plague unless Ming is stopped.

Now I've got to take polarite to the earth first, then I'll come back and settle with Ming.

Hello, Dad?

Yes, we found large deposits of polarite in the kingdom of Frigia, far north of Mongo.

As you know, polarite particles attract and neutralize the death dust in the same manner that the human brain reacts upon it.

I'm going to drop the polarite at the top of Mount McKinley.

It will attract all the death dust to that particular spot and destroy it.

(ship buzzing) (dramatic music) - That's a splendid achievement, son.

The world will be waiting to give you and Professor Zarkov the finest welcome in the history of mankind.

- No Dad, I'm not coming back.

Zarkov's not with me.

No, he and Dale were taken prisoners by Ming.

I don't know what's happened to them.

- Dale, my daughter, at the mercy of Ming?

- The prisoners will come closer.

(ominous music) Welcome back to Mongo, Dr. Zarkov and pretty Dale.

It is too bad that our friend Flash Gordon is not with us.

I understand that he met with an unfortunate accident.

Now that you're here, Doctor, you'll tell me the formula that enables you to land in the frozen land of Frigia.

- You're wasting your breath, Ming.

It matters not how you torture me.

You'll never learn that secret.

- I have an easier way of learning, Doctor.

Captain Torch.

- Sire.

- You will return to Frigia and bring back Dr. Zarkov's rocket ship.

The apparatus he used to combat cold is aboard it.

- It shall be done, sir.

- You have a short time, Doctor, to decide whether or not you will help me in my conquest of the universe, or meet such an amusing death, which I may devise.

- I have told you- - Don't answer now; think it over.

Ah, my dear, you are lovely.

More beautiful than ever.

Having deprived you of your sweetheart, it is only fair that I should take his place.

Take them away, and have the girl dressed in garments befitting the wife of an emperor.

(ship buzzing) - We're flying over Frigia.

- You're going to have a job getting into that rocket ship before you freeze to death.

- Look.

The very ship we're looking for.

- Some of them must have survived.

- We've got to shoot them down.

- Spaceship diving at us.

(suspenseful music) Fly over him; I'll slow him down.

- No, we'll need that ship to get at Ming.

(explosions booming) I'm going to spin it down.

Turn on a smoke screen so he'll think we're hit.

(ship whirring) They crashed right over there, head on.

- I can't stand this frozen air.

Takes my breath.

- And mine.

We've got to get to that ship.

It's on fire!

- Hide in that extra locker.

(adventuresome music) - Doesn't seem to be damaged much.

- [Flash] Hardly at all.

- Flash Gordon!

- I'm alive.

- Roka, disarm them.

Tie them up.

- What are you going to do?

- Take your ship into Ming's palace.

Then you're going to give the password that opens the gates to the space court.

(ship buzzing) (suspenseful music) - Welcome, Captain Torch.

- Help, help, guard!

(punches landing) (dramatic music) - Don't shoot!

You'll have them all down here on us.

- Help, help, guard!

(suspenseful music) - What have you done with Dr. Zarkov?

- He refused to accept the terms I offered him and must suffer the consequences.

Look.

You still have a few moments to reconsider your decision, Dr. Zarkov.

When the hands of the clock point to the 11th hour it will automatically release my destroying ray.

- I have made my decision, Ming, and you cannot order it.

- If you're determined to go through with this murder, at least let me join him down there.

- And lose the bride that I have waited for so long?

(footsteps tapping) - Did you hear that, Roka?

Guards.

- The emperor is sacrificing the earth man to the destroying ray.

We can see from the window that overlooks the arena.

(dramatic music) - Your time is nearly up, Zarkov.

Accept my terms and I will save you.

(men grunting) (clock tolling) (ray buzzing) - Flash!

- Kill him!

- Don't fire!

- Save yourself, Flash.

You'll be burned to a cinder.

- I'm setting you free first.

- He has chosen his own death.

- Stop it!

Oh, stop it!

(Dale screaming) (victorious music) - There, we saw the beam get him.

That's it.

Strike the set, tell the extras to go home.

Flash Gordon has to be dead.

Get the suit back from Buster Crabbe and put it in storage.

Alas, who am I kidding?

The beam inched ever closer to them, just like the laser scene in "Goldfinger," and just like in that scene, our hopes are gonna be dashed.

Flash will escape and return again to stink up the screen.

Speaking of things that stink, I wonder what could be keeping El Sapo.

He's certainly found a film by now.

Although I have to say, I wouldn't shed a tear if he got lost and never came back.

- Here I am, boss.

- Well, no such luck, folks.

- Boy, I think I found us a good movie tonight.

- That's rather unlikely, Sapo.

- Well, let me tell you, the pickings were slim.

It was a sorry crop of choices at best.

I saw stupid films like "The Seventh Seal," which I guess is about some trained seal or something.

And one called, get this, get this, "The Maltese Falcon," which is about some crazy black bird that flaps around.

And who wants to see that?

- You passed over two of the greatest films ever made?

What did you pick in their place?

- Check it out, boss.

- Ugh, "The Devil's Hand?"

- See, I can tell by the look on your face you are pleased, and maybe just a little impressed.

It's got a devil in it.

Well, his hand, at least.

- Sapo, you have once again placed me in an impossible position.

I am so uncomfortable right now.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I too close to you or something?

Did I step on your foot?

- No, I meant in terms of this movie.

- Wait, I'm not following you, boss.

- You couldn't follow a freight train if you were chained to it.

I'm torn here.

This movie features some of the coolest opening credits we've ever featured, with some of the coolest music you'll ever hear.

And as if that's not enough, and by goodness, it oughta be, it features the makeup work of Jack P. Pierce.

- I know of a Hawkeye Pierce on that show "S.M.A.S.H."

- Well, you know, that's gonna be relevant too, as I will explain later.

But this film features the makeup of one of the greatest makeup artists of all time, Jack Pierce.

Pierce worked on "Dracula," "Frankenstein," "The Mummy," "The Invisible Man," just about all the Universal Studios monster movies.

His resume is the stuff legends are made of.

- So this is a good movie, huh?

- No, not really.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

But it features the work of a great, great man.

A great man working on a bad, bad movie.

This happens sometimes.

Take me, for example, I'm obviously a great man, but history's gonna judge me harshly for working with you, and will ignore all the other great things I did.

This is one of Pierce's last projects.

The actual last makeup he did was for Mr. Ed.

- And that horse looked great in those episodes, didn't he?

- Yeah, sure, whatever.

Pierce is also featured on a U.S. stamp.

- Oh, big deal.

My picture is on a lot of post offices, and a lot of posters all across this great land.

- I bet.

On the stamp, Pierce's hands are shown doing Boris Karloff's makeup for the 1931 version of "Frankenstein."

- Wow.

What else can you tell me about this movie?

- Lots.

For example, just a minute ago, you mentioned Hawkeye from "M.A'S.H."

- I don't think I did.

I don't remember that.

- Well you did.

Robert Alda is in this movie.

He plays the character Rich Turner.

He was Alan Alda's dad.

- Who is Alan Alda?

- He played Hawkeye on "M.A.S.H."

- Whoa.

What about the director?

- Oh boy, here goes.

The movie was directed by a guy named William Hole, and that's what this movie should have been tossed down.

He was known primarily as a TV director.

He directed shows as "Bourbon Street Beat," "Surfside Six" and "Hawaiian Eye."

- I don't believe that I've ever heard of any of those shows.

- Well, you didn't miss a thing.

- Well, other than the guy who from "M.A.S.H.

"'s dad, who else is in this God-awful thing?

- Two names you might know: Neil Hamilton and Bruno VeSoto.

- Mm hm, wait, wait.

Nope, nope, can't say I've heard of ever any of those upstanding gents.

- Well, Hamilton was Commissioner Gordon on TV's "Batman" in the 1960s.

And I want to warn you all in advance that you're gonna see some painfully unpleasant closeups of that man's face.

And then there's Bruno VeSota.

Well, he is guilty of being in movies like "The Giant Leeches," "A Bucket of Blood," and believe it or not, several episodes of "Bonanza."

- Still drawing a blank there, boss.

- Not surprised at all.

Lastly, the bongo player is Leon Chaino Johnson.

He was a great drummer in the exotica genre.

He released some spectacular albums: "Night of the Specter," "Jungle Rhythms," and "Jungle Echoes," just to name a few.

A really great drummer, to be honest.

Look, folks, I know I've complimented some of the people in this movie, but I wanna make one thing clear.

This is one bad, bad movie.

Please don't watch this.

Change the channel.

There has to be something else on.

If not, call an old friend.

Call a relative if that's your thing.

Clean out the garage, knit a blanket, focus on your prayer life.

Do anything, anything at all, instead of watching this movie.

I have warned you.

You can heed my advice and have a long and happy life, or you can watch this movie and expose yourself to horrors beyond the endurance of mortal man.

You still there?

Okay.

Then sit back, relax, and join us for "The Devil's Hand" here on "Nightmare Theater."

(static buzzing) (dramatic music) (catchy music) (peaceful music) (ducks quacking) - Who are your friends?

- My date for the afternoon.

You're 20 minutes late.

- Sorry.

- You hear that?

He says he's sorry.

You think I should marry a man who's late for his appointment?

- She's proposing again.

- Only for the 17th time.

- You waited all your life for the perfect mate, what's 20 minutes more?

- You should get over that inferiority complex.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

- Or the night before, or the night before that.

Why don't you see your doctor, or get some sleeping pills.

That may help.

- Wouldn't do any good.

- Well, let's get some lunch.

You haven't got much time left on your lunch hour.

- There's no rush.

- Why, did they make you the boss or something?

- I quit the other day.

- You didn't tell me that.

You said that this job was your big chance in electronics so that you could develop some of your own ideas.

You said it was the kind of security you wanted for us to get married.

- I know what I said.

Be a little patient with me, honey.

Please.

(electronic shimmering) (slow belly-dance music) How could I explain when I myself couldn't understand it?

To dream about a woman night after night, a woman I'd never met, never seen before.

And with each dream, she became more real, more alive, until it seemed that if my hand reached out, I could've touched her.

Some will stronger than my own brought me here.

Nothing was familiar to me.

I'd never been here before, and yet I wasn't lost.

An unknown force was guiding my steps, leading me to this courtyard.

There was something here that was drawing me close, like a magnet.

I could feel it pulling me closer, closer.

(electronic shimmering) (mysterious music) And then I saw it.

That's it.

- Hmm?

- That face.

It's the same face of the woman who comes to me in my dreams.

It's fantastic.

- Oh darling, it's probably just a coincidence.

- That's she, all right.

- Well then, let's go inside and see who posed for it.

More than likely someone you know, and that would explain everything.

- Hello, Mr. Turner.

I have the doll ready for you.

- You-you know my name?

- I pride myself on my memory.

You left your name when you brought in this picture for the portrait doll.

Remarkable resemblance, don't you think?

- Yes, yes.

But there must be some mistake.

- Mistake?

Oh, I don't think so.

Let me check your order.

Excuse me.

- Donna, I didn't bring that photo in.

- He just mistook you for someone else.

- I don't understand this.

First I dream of a face, then I see that face on a doll.

Now I'm told I brought that photo in.

- You're making too much out of it, Rick.

There's just been a misunderstanding somewhere.

- But he knew my name.

- Do you walk in your sleep?

- No, and I'm not leading a double life.

- Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?

- Would I have brought you here if I were?

- I'm only kidding, Rick.

Don't be so touchy.

You'll see.

There's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.

Some of your friends have weird ideas of humor.

Maybe one of them is playing a... Rick.

That's me.

- Sure looks like you.

- It is me.

Where do you get these ideas?

- What are you talking about?

- The doll, of course.

Honestly, Rick, it was sweet of you to have it made for me.

But why all the mystery?

You went through so much trouble just to make it a surprise.

- Donna, I didn't order this doll.

- Darling, you must have.

- And I'm telling you, I didn't order- - The instructions all check, Mr. Turner.

Everything is exactly as you ordered it.

Should I wrap it, or send it to Miss Bianca Milan?

- This doll, who ordered it?

- That one?

The lady in the photograph.

- Take a good look at this picture and Miss Trent here.

- Mm, yes, I see what you mean.

There is a slight resemblance.

- Slight?

That's me.

- Merely a coincidence.

I know the lady who brought this photo in.

- Look, Mr. um, um... - Lamont, Francis Lamont.

- Mr. Lamont, there must be some mistake.

I didn't bring in any photo, I didn't order any doll.

In fact, I've never even in here before.

- If you say so, sir, perhaps I was mistaken.

It's paid for, so I'll send it to Miss Milan.

- Rick, if you're playing some sort of a game, I don't find it very amusing.

So let's take my doll and leave.

- Donna, I... Look, just wrap this one up.

I'll take this doll.

- This one, I'm afraid, is not for sale.

If you'd care to leave a photo, I'd be happy to make one up for this young lady.

- But she is the lady.

- No sir.

She is not.

(dramatic musical sting) - Come on, Rick.

Let's go.

(ominous music) (slow drumming) (mysterious music) - That man, he's frightening.

He just stood there looking at me.

- I don't understand this.

(dramatic music) - Rick!

- What is it?

- (groaning) Help me, Rick.

- Take it easy.

- [Nurse over P.A.]

Dr. Wright report to clinic at once, please.

Dr. Wright report to clinic.

- How is she, Doc?

- I've just had Dr. Moore corroborate my diagnosis.

It's a coronary condition, a muscle spasm of the heart.

- How bad is it?

- It's hard to say at this stage.

Frankly, her symptoms are a bit puzzling.

- It all happened so, so fast.

- It usually does, Mr. Turner.

Now you try not to worry.

We're doing everything possible for her.

Right now she's resting quietly under sedation.

You better try to get some sleep yourself.

You'll be able to see her tomorrow.

- Thanks, Doc.

(ethereal music) - Rick.

Rick, come here.

What's the matter, can't sleep?

Relax, Rick.

Let's enjoy each other.

What shall I do to entertain you?

Shall I sing until your head throbs with the sound of my voice?

Shall I dance for you until the blood races through your veins?

Do you find me desirable?

Would you kiss me if you could?

Would you hold me close?

- I'm dreaming.

It must be.

What do you want?

- You.

- Who are you?

- The man at the doll shop told you.

Bianca Milan.

The address is on the back of the photograph.

Get it, Rick.

And bring the doll.

It's so simple.

Why torture for yourself any longer?

I'll be waiting for you.

- Now, Mr. Turner can only stay a few minutes.

You're not to get excited.

- But I always get excited when I see Rick.

- Well, I don't blame you.

He's quite a man.

You have three minutes, Mr. Turner.

- How do you feel?

- Like a steam roller hit me.

- Well, that makes two of us.

You didn't tell me before you had trouble, with your heart, I mean.

- I didn't until I fell in love with you.

That will teach me never to be jealous again.

- Well, that'll be a help.

- Oh?

What are you planning?

- I'm not supposed to get you excited.

- Tell me, Rick.

- Yesterday I told you I didn't know any more about those dolls than you do.

- Yes.

- That was the truth, Donna.

Last night I had another dream, or vision, or whatever the devil you wanna call it.

- The same girl?

- Only this time she spoke to me.

She said if I wanted to find the answer to all this, all I had to do was bring the doll to her.

- My, isn't she helpful.

- Well, I've got to see her, don't you see?

I've got to find out whether she's real or not.

Once and for all I've got to get this thing off my back.

- I know you have to see her, darling.

I guess I can't help acting like a woman.

You've been honest with me and I do believe you, but... - But what?

- Please be careful.

- Of what?

- I mean it, Rick.

There's more to it than just, well, call it premonition or woman's intuition, if you like, but I'm afraid.

- Of what?

- Afraid I'm going to lose you.

- To a dream?

- To a dream that might be real.

- You're the only real thing in my life.

- Oh, Rick, I love you so.

- Who prescribed that?

- Best medicine in the world.

- Good for whatever ails you.

- When I think of the time I've wasted on vitamin pills... - Take care of yourself, darling.

I'll see you soon.

- Rick, be careful of the doll.

- Oh, Mr. Turner.

I do hope I wasn't indiscreet yesterday.

- No, no.

Miss Trent, the young lady who was with me was just a little upset at seeing her photograph and that doll.

- Of course.

- May I see the name on the back of that photograph?

- The one you think is Miss Trent?

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, but the doll and picture were picked up by the owner this morning.

- Oh.

Well then, I'll take that other doll, the one of Miss... - Bianca Milan?

- Mm hm.

- I anticipated your coming back.

- How much do I owe you?

- You paid me when you placed the order.

- Did I?

- In full.

Good day, Mr. Turner.

- Yeah.

- Hey folks, welcome back.

The opening credits and theme were great, weren't they?

What's say we pack it in and leave on those high notes?

- Boss, Boss, we can't.

We have to ride this out.

- I know.

I know, we all signed contracts.

- And contracts or deals with those boys are unbreakable.

- That, yeah, that's for sure.

- But you know, you were right about the opening theme.

Can you tell me who made it?

- A guy named Baker Knight.

- He's not banging any bongos in my head.

- You never heard of him and his band, Baker Knight and the Nightmares?

- No.

- Well, they once opened for Carl Perkins and Conway Twitty.

- Well, I never heard of Conrad Twitty, either.

You made him up just like you made up this Baker fellow.

- Baker Knight wrote over a thousand songs.

- Is that a lot?

I-I never heard of the guy.

- I'm not surprised.

He's only one of the greatest songwriters in history.

- Well then, why have I never heard of him?

- Because you're an, you know what?

I don't know, Sapo.

I'm not sure why you've never heard of one of the most prolific songwriters ever.

For what it's worth, Baker Knight never heard of you either.

He was a great man.

His songs have been recorded by everyone from Ricky Nelson to Elvis, to the Cramps, to Perry Como and Sammy Davis Jr.

Even the great Frank Sinatra recorded some of his songs.

- Was his music in any other movies, maybe?

- Sure.

"Lonesome Town" was used in "Pulp Fiction," which was a great movie.

His song "The Wonder of You," recorded by Elvis, was used in "Love Stinks," which was a God-awful movie starring the God-awful French Stewart.

- Now him, I have heard of.

I love that guy.

French Stewart is our generation's Jerry Lewis.

- Yep, just as annoying.

Lots of movies use Baker's songs.

- So they used his music in both good and bad movies.

You'd think he would take care to make sure, absolutely sure, that none of his songs went in bad movies, only in good movies.

- Listen pal, we all gotta eat.

- Well, at any rate, it is a good song.

Can we just play it over, and over, and over, and skip the rest of the movie?

- No-no.

Remember our contracts.

We could be down in level eight, listening to his music on my high-fi and quadraphonic sound, drinking mai tais, but instead we are stuck showing this atrocity.

In fact it's about that time.

Let's get back to "The Devil's Hand here on "Nightmare Theater."

(Rick knocking) (mysterious music) - Miss Bianca Milan?

- Mr. Turner, I have been expecting you.

Do come in.

- You knew I was coming?

- Of course.

- You were expecting me to deliver this.

- Thank you.

(sultry music) It's lovely.

The resemblance is amazing, don't you think?

Shall we have a drink?

- I'd prefer a little conversation.

Like my questions and your answers.

- There is time.

Lots of it.

Come, help me.

This is our first drink together.

We should mark the occasion with a toast.

To the first of many things together.

- Such as dreams and portrait dolls?

- And the sweet mysteries of life.

I hope you're hungry.

I thought you might like to dine here.

Just the two of us.

(bell tinkling) My servant, Ahmed, does very well with occidental dishes.

You may serve us now, Ahmed.

Ahmed cannot speak.

- I'm a little speechless myself.

- I found him in Tibet.

He belonged to an ancient cult of worshipers who believes sacrifice brings immortality.

His tongue was his sacrifice.

- The world has many strange religions.

Forgive me for being so persistent, but what made you so sure I was coming here tonight?

- I invited you, and you accepted.

- Let's be more specific.

I'm here for just one reason.

- I know why you're here, Rick.

- Then you know about the dreams?

- Naturally.

It's a simple process of thought projection, or a thought transference.

- Thought projec... You're telling me that you danced and talked to me from this apartment, and I received your image and voice in my room?

- You doubt me?

- Of course not.

I'll get you the number of a good psychiatrist.

(Bianca laughs seductively) Maybe I'm a little dense, but I-I don't understand all of this.

- What puzzles you?

- Well, for one thing, why me?

- You appeal to me.

- Why does a woman with your attributes have to go to these extremes to have a man visitor?

Why didn't you just whistle or something?

- Would you have answered?

- Perhaps not.

But then, I'm going to be married.

- There's your answer then.

I had to condition you, wear down your resistance, make you want me.

So I visited you through mental projection.

You may not admit it, but I am firmly planted in your subconscious.

- Could be, but what's so special about me that put you through so much trouble?

- I saw you, I wanted you.

That made you special.

- We can't always have everything we want.

- I can.

- This um, this thought projection, is it a special power you have, or can anyone play?

(bell tinkling) - Will you prepare a drink for Mr. Turner and myself, Ahmed?

Relax, Rick.

Make yourself comfortable.

Recognize him?

- Me.

- It helps in concentrating to have the image of the person to whom one's thoughts are directed.

- Who gave you the recipe, Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

- You're amused.

- I'm sorry.

I'll take you seriously, I promise.

Tastes like devil's brew.

(suspenseful music) - I can bridge any distance between us, no matter how great or how small.

Concentration is essential.

I can tell when I've made contact with you, when my thoughts and my image have reached you.

Just relax and close your eyes while I concentrate.

Oh, great Gamba.

Open your eyes, Rick.

You can see me quite clearly now.

Tell me what you see.

- I see.

I see through you.

You're transparent.

You cast no shadow, no reflections.

There are disturbances around you.

Wind, thunder, lightning.

You're not real.

You're, you're... - Are turn around, Rick.

I'm here behind you.

- What are you?

- Don't you know?

- You're a she-devil.

- A witch.

- You're evil, but beautiful, fascinating.

- Listen, Rick, as I once was, you would not have looked at me.

I was unhappy and lost until I discovered Gamba.

- Gamba?

- The devil god of evil.

I belong to a cult that worships Gamba.

You met the high executioner at the doll shop, Francis Lamont.

- And he gave you this power of thought projection?

- It's more than that.

I've been given the power to control my destiny.

I've had everything life could offer until I saw you.

I wanted you just as much as you want me now.

You've already begun to forget Donna Trent.

- You really are a witch.

A she-devil, whatever you are, I want you.

- You must become one of us first.

- Anything.

- You must take the oath to Gamba.

- Tomorrow.

- Now.

There's a meeting in progress.

The high executioner will perform the rites at midnight.

We must hurry.

- Hello and welcome back.

Are you feeling lightheaded?

Run down and confused?

That's one of the proven side effects of this movie, and I'll offer this, it's only gonna get worse.

- Now that you mention it, boss, I do feel a little bit bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.

- Well, that's kinda normal for you.

I was talking about the folks at home.

Folks, let me tell you something about this movie.

Sapo, what was the title again?

- Oh, let me check here, boss.

Let me check the schedule.

It appears to be "The Devil's Handyman."

No, wait, no, wait.

It's "The Devil's Hand."

- Yes, but it's also known as "Witchcraft," "The Naked Goddess," "Devil's Doll," and I swear I'm not making this up, "Live to Love."

- Why on earth would they give a movie more than one title?

- Well, let me ask you this.

Suppose you had a friend, hard to imagine, I know, but suppose you did, And suppose that friend was in the ICU, and when you went to visit him, he said he saw a movie called "Live to Love" and that's what landed him in the hospital.

Now, would you go see that movie?

No.

Well, you probably would, but a sensible person, no.

Now suppose they changed the title of that movie to "The Devil's Hand."

See, that's how they get you; the old name change.

- Now that is pretty clever.

- Devious is more like it.

And there's one more thing you should know about this movie.

This movie came out in 1961.

That was the height of the Cold War.

Some people think U.S. and Soviet leaders agreed to meet on neutral territory, I think it was Switzerland, to discuss the common threat this movie posed to the citizens of both countries.

For a brief shining moment, the world was united as one against this movie.

We're all in it together, but the Era of Good Feelings didn't last.

The movie changed names and then got the better of us.

Yes, historians look back and praise the week or so the entire world was united against one movie.

Sapo, I have often wondered what it would take to bring the whole world back together like that.

You know, I could lead it.

Sapo, I said I could lead the world.

Are you listening to me?

Are you still thinking about gravy?

Don't you think I would make a great world leader?

- What?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

That was a nice meal we had at the diner the other night, and you're right, they should have let you substitute fries for extra coleslaw, no extra charge.

They should have done it for you.

- What are you talking about?

Are you even listening to me?

- Boss, that doll over there looks like Mittens.

- What doll?

What are you talking about?

Where's he going?

What?

- This doll.

- That, El Sapo, is not doll.

That is a collectible action figure limited to only 15 firing days.

There are only 11 of these babies out there.

- But it kinda looks like Mittens.

- Well, I suppose it kinda does.

- Don't-don't you think that's a little odd?

- No, I don't think so.

- Maybe it's just me, but I think this doll, I mean this collectible active figure, is Mittens.

- Oh Lord.

- I'm serious.

Watch this watch, watch.

I'm gonna raise his right arm.

Did you see that?

Did you see that?

- See what?

- I lifted his arm and Mittens lifted his arm.

- What?

Maybe he was raising his arm to ask a question, like what the heck is El Sapo talking about?

- I don't think so.

Let me try the left arm.

Look, I'm gonna raise his left arm.

- What?

- See it?

See it?

He did it again!

He did it again!

The doll is magical.

- It's not.

It's a valuable collector's item.

I'll thank you not to manhandle it!

- This thing, it's filled with the bad Juju, boss.

Watch, I'm gonna spin it around.

Watch what happens.

Oh no.

Oh, look at that, look at that, look at that.

- Wow, you might be onto something, Sapo.

- I sure am.

Evil forces are at work.

I've been seeing strange omens and portents in the sky.

The cows are laying odd eggs, and the chickens are giving sour milk.

Boss, there's something evil afoot, I'm telling you.

- Well, maybe you oughta stash that thing somewhere so it can't be used for evil purposes.

- You know, you're right.

I'm gonna run out and hide this thing where no one will ever find it.

- Hand it over.

See, I told you he was just that gullible.

I knew once he saw the doll his feeble mind would get the better of him.

Let's get back to the movie of many names here on "Nightmare Theater."

- Come on, Rick.

- Welcome, the ceremony is underway.

- Good evening, Francis.

Mr. Turner wishes to join us.

- I shall perform the rites after the sacrifice.

Shall we go in?

(slow drumming) Our goddess of love.

Bianca is our living image.

(drumming quickens) (mysterious music) - Tonight is the first night of the full moon.

We must offer up sacrifice to Gamba.

It's the devil god's decree that we offer a human for appeasement.

- A human?

You mean they're going to kill somebody?

- Not necessarily, but a human is going to be offered on the altar of sacrifice and it's up to Gamba to decide.

- How does he make his decision?

- It's like Russian roulette, except the odds are greater.

Look up there.

- In our ceremony, we use a sword concealed in one of the covers hanging from the wheel.

The wheel is spun, and Gamba makes his decision.

The cover is lowered upon the heart of the subject.

If the sword is in the cover, it pierces the heart.

If Gamba decides to spare his subject, the cover bends harmlessly.

- Sounds like a million laughs.

Does everybody get to play?

- No.

The subject is selected when in doubt of his loyalty during his test period.

- Have you ever been- - My loyalty has been proven.

(music and drumming crescendo) (ominous drumming) - All worshipers of Gamba, the great devil god, hear me well.

Tonight is the first night of the full moon.

The tides rise to their highest level and vibrations fill the air.

It is a time for restlessness and madness.

It is a time for death, for Gamba decrees it.

Gamba, the great devil god, commands that one of you be tested.

A human sacrifice must be offered, though only Gamba can determine whether a life will be taken.

The judgment is his.

(Francis clapping) Bring in the subject.

(gong ringing) (slow drumming) (mysterious music) Oh Gamba, great devil god, ruler of man's destiny, we offer this lovely girl on the sacrificial altar.

You alone in your wisdom will judge her.

If she is unworthy, if her loyalty is in doubt, then she must be punished.

But should she prove deserving and fit to serve you, your power alone will spare her.

Go, great Gamba, highest executioner, supreme devil, god of evil.

Make your decision.

Shall the maiden live or die?

(wheel clunking) (woman screaming) - [Worshipers] Gamba, Gamba, Gamba.

- Gamba protects his own.

The girl lives.

Oh, thank you, great Gamba.

You have proven yourself well.

- It's our turn now.

- He has been informed of our code and beliefs?

- Yes, High Executioner.

- Kneel.

Oh great Gamba, we offer a new subject who has come to join us.

During his trial period watch him, study him, and then test him, oh great devil god.

Will you swear absolute allegiance to the great devil god, Gamba?

- I will.

- Will you follow his commands without question, though it means someone's destruction, even your own?

- I will.

- You will above all else seal your lips and swear yourself to secrecy.

- I will.

- You, his sponsor, will be held accountable.

Do you accept this responsibility?

- I do.

- It is done.

From this moment on, there is no turning back.

You are one of us now, a member of the cult of the great devil god, Gamba.

Guard this privilege well.

- Is-is that all?

- For now.

A new life is going to begin for you, Rick.

Take me home.

(contemplative music) You still don't quite believe, do you, darling?

You have renounced goodness, forsaken virtue.

You'll never escape me, darling.

- I know it.

God help me, I want it this way.

- Hello, and welcome back.

Well, we can say one thing for sure.

This movie might be bad, but it's got some great music.

- It sure does, Boss.

Tell me something.

Is this what they call devil music?

I saw a guy on a street corner screaming, and yelling, and ranting, and raving about something called the devil's music and how it corrupts the youth.

- No, no, that guy was probably talking about the rock and/or roll music.

Some people think that kind of music is linked to devils and demons, but it's not.

I can assure you of that.

- Is a particular kind of music linked to devils or demons, or the heebie jeebies world?

- Only polka.

Some people say accordion music is the devil's laughter.

It's awful.

- Polka makes my pants wanna hop up and dance, even when I'm not wearing them.

- Yeah, I imagine your pants often try to get away from you.

- I wonder why people think music summons evil forces.

- Well Sapo, ever since the first human banged a stick against a rock and dug the sound it made, some people have associated certain rhythms with evil forces.

I mean, come on.

Does anyone think a guy on an island beating a stick against a coconut is gonna get one of my kind outta the bed?

We gotta get paid.

- You're right.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

But say someone wanted to summon another demon.

How would they go about it?

I'm just academic, I'm just wondering, I'm just thinking out loud.

- Well, I mean, to be fair, it varies by region.

There are certain chance tones, incantations, beats, and dances that when done properly can summon one of my brothers or sisters from the other realm.

I wish there was one that would send me back to that realm, then I'd be away from you.

(El Sapo humming) Are you humming?

- Nope.

- That's that's not gonna summon anyone or any thing other than my wrath.

Again, it varies by region.

A good friend of mine went down to Georgia once because he liked the fiddle music, but it didn't end well.

- So fiddles are off the list, eh?

- For eternity, especially when it comes to leadership.

They are definitely anti-fiddle.

- No fiddles, gotcha.

But say someone wanted to summon some kind of lesser imp or demon.

(snapping) Just thinking out loud.

Would a kazoo work?

- Oh, I see where you're going.

Yes, a kazoo would work just fine.

I take it you have a kazoo?

- No, Boss.

I'm kazooless since 1972.

- Highly dubious.

Folks, let's get back to whatever this film is calling itself this week here on "Nightmare Theater."

- [Track Announcer] Solitaire on the rail by two lengths.

And here comes Bugle Boy.

Solitaire and Bugle Boy.

Solitaire and Bugle Boy.

And Bugle Boy by a head.

- That makes eighth straight.

- It's incredible, red horse parlay.

- Happens all the time.

- I just can't get over it.

Yesterday you called me and said, "Buy every available share."

Today it started to skyrocket.

Last week you said, "Sell Amalgamated Industries," and the bottom dropped out.

- Just lucky, I guess.

- Something more than that.

Someone is giving you some very valuable tips.

Well, let's just say I have a good advisor.

- Goodbye, Mr. Bennett.

- Goodbye.

(engine shuts off) (door slamming) (mysterious music) - There we are.

Well, you should feel very proud of your protege.

He's passed every test so far.

Not once has he weakened and attempted to contact this Miss Trent.

- I never thought he would.

- Your confidence in him is quite admirable, my dear.

I am a little surprised.

- At what?

- Well, this little romance of yours has lasted longer than the others.

- I've always come back to you, Francis.

- Of course.

That's why I can afford to be so tolerant of your brief affairs.

You will keep this one brief, won't you my dear?

(sinister music) Your Rick will receive the loyalty test now.

I hope he merits your belief in him.

- Well, if it isn't Rick Turner, Bianca's private property.

- Well, what are you doing here?

- I'm lost; where's the nearest bar?

- Looks like you've had enough already.

- Rick, I'm in trouble.

Isn't there someplace we can go and talk?

- Come on.

- Wow.

- Coffee's still hot.

Would you like some?

- This is what I need.

- You'd better drink this.

- Sure.

- What's your problem?

- How do you get out, Rick?

How do you get your soul back?

Devil god Gamba's got your soul, too.

Don't you want it back?

- You don't know what you're saying.

You're drunk.

- Gotta get out of the cult, too.

- You've been sworn to secrecy.

We all have.

For your own sake, don't say anymore.

- Why, would you tell on me?

- What makes you think I won't?

- Well, you're not the type.

You don't belong in this any more than I do.

- You should have thought of that before you joined.

- Well, you don't know.

They play with evil like it was some kind of a new toy.

They cut all the goodness out of you and you forget what it's like to be kind.

You become a robot without any will of your own.

And the things they make you do.

But suddenly they don't have to make you do those things anymore.

You do 'em because you want to.

And then it's too late, 'cause you're past all decency.

- Shut up.

- You're afraid.

Not for me, but for yourself.

Oh, I know the pattern well.

Bianca has used the powers for you, hasn't she?

She's given you a taste of easy money, and shown you what you'll be able to do when you receive these powers.

- Stop it.

- It's not worth it, Rick.

Believe me, I know.

I'd give anything to go back, to live again without fear.

- You'd better go.

- You are afraid.

- Just get out of here.

I should never have listened to you.

Go on, get out.

I don't wanna hear any more.

Tell Miss Milan I'm here.

- Whatever you're drinking, I'll have one too.

Why darling, you're trembling.

- Am I?

Bianca, what would you do if I told you... - What?

- Nothing.

Just thinking out loud.

- What's troubling you?

Maybe I can help.

- Well, I've learned about, I mean I've heard...

There's a disloyal member in the cult.

- Why should this trouble you?

- She's kind of confused.

She's- - A woman?

There's no problem here.

Your duty is clear.

You must report her.

- What will they do to her?

- That's not your concern.

- She'll be tested.

That's it, isn't it?

She'll be placed under the wheel.

Bianca, I can't.

- You must.

Have you forgotten your own loyalty may be tested?

If you love me, you won't hesitate.

Not for a minute.

Darling, I took an oath with you.

Remember, if you don't report this girl, you place me in equal jeopardy.

- Rick, darling.

I couldn't bear not to see you again.

- What's keeping him?

- He'll be here in a minute, darling.

Just relax.

- All these dolls, just staring at you.

- Frank is quite fanatic about them, especially his own.

In his eyes, his doll is his soul.

- Gamba is pleased.

You've done well, Rick.

- Hey, what is this?

- I gave my report to Mr. Lamont and he's very satisfied.

- You mean this whole thing was a setup?

- Precisely.

- Ah, you play some nice games.

- You may wait for me in the other room.

- Let's go, Rick.

- Bianca, I don't wish to detain you, but if you'd give me just a moment more.

- Excuse me, darling.

(slow drumming) (mysterious music) - [Francis] That'll be fine.

- [Bianca] Thank you, Francis.

- Well, you ready?

- Mm hm.

- Night, Rick.

- Night.

(mysterious music) - Rick?

I thought it was the nurse.

- How do you feel?

- Fine.

Nothing ever changes with me.

How about you?

- Okay.

Where's Miss Frank?

- The nurse?

Oh, she's off my case.

I have a new one.

- Oh?

- Rick.

I understand.

- Do you?

- It's not a very romantic prospect being tied down to an invalid.

- Donna no, you don't understand- - Please.

It's enough that you came.

- Listen to me, Donna.

You may not believe what I'm going to tell you, but at midnight tonight, you're going to be all right.

Any discomfort you feel will disappear.

Your strength will return.

Your health will be restored.

- At midnight?

What makes you so sure?

- Just trust me.

- I know it's a hard thing to ask after what's happened, but trust me.

I'll call you tomorrow.

(lightning crashing) (rock music) - Okay, I didn't see it myself, but I saw this comedian talking, it's called the water wiggle.

You'd fill it with water (imitating choking) and just beat the heck outta you as you were playing.

- What?

- It's called the water wiggle.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

- Anyway, hello again, folks.

We're down here again in the sub-sub-sub- - One more, one more.

- Sub basement of the television studio with a mysterious curator.

He's brought us another item from the Merrill Movie Museum.

And this reminds me of Mittens on bath day.

So what exactly do we have here?

- So this is a piece, after the success of "Bram Stoker's Dracula" there was the theory that going back to the original book to remake classic horror characters was going to be the thing.

So naturally the next thing they did was "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein."

- Wow.

- The film came out and it was Kenneth Branagh wrote and directed it, and starred as Dr. Frankenstein.

Robert de Niro was the monster.

And this is a piece from Dr. Frankenstein's lab where he is working with reanimating dead tissue.

And he's got a chimpanzee hand that he has rigged up to try to restore to life.

And in the film, of course, this was done with a cable motion puppet that was strapped down, mounted on the frame.

And it would've been operated by, you see all these cables that are attached to the- - Wow.

- Wow.

- To the bottom.

There would've been controls mounted at the end of those cables that they would've been able to manipulate the hand to move it around and have it actually come back to life from the dead, as the movie would see.

The controls are no longer extant on this piece so we can't manipulate it, but it's still an amazing-looking piece, an amazing piece of movie magic, even though it's in the service of a film that maybe wasn't the best Frankenstein adaptation ever made.

- No, not particularly good, but you know, it did have some good stuff in it, obviously, like this particular effect.

So you say this represented a chimpanzee hand, right?

And it's something that he was, and I love the the details here with the leather braces and the buckles, and kinda making it look that period piece.

He had this obviously mounted, and he was trying to make it come alive as Frankenstein is wont to do in movies, and in the book as well.

But so this is kind of a pivotal piece in the film, really and truly.

- Yeah, this precedes his work in actually bringing the creature back to life, or to life, once he's patched it together, of course.

And you have some amazing actors and some amazing talents employed, and it serves us this movie that ended up not being great.

There's some people that are defenders of it, but overall it's not a very well-regarded movie.

- Not at all.

- Certainly not as well regarded as "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

- Right.

- And kinda ended that trend.

I think they would've tried to continue to go back to the well on that, and I don't know what they would've gone to next in terms of putting an author's name in front of it.

- Oh, and that's fascinating, too, is that there is such a long history of Frankenstein in the movies.

Thomas Edison's Frankenstein is one of those very early, 1912, I believe, is one of the very early films that was made based on the book.

And throughout the history of film, we've seen Frankenstein adapted over, and over, and over again for both serious kind of ways, like the Frankenstein with Boris Karloff, and "Bride of Frankenstein," and the whole series, "House of Frankenstein", "Ghost of Frankenstein," all those films.

But even then Hammer again comes along in the '50s and '60s and does their own version with Peter Cushing starring as Dr. Frankenstein.

And even one of those, "Frankenstein From the Monster From Hell," which is one of my favorites, with David Prowse, who went on to play Darth Vader, playing the Frankenstein monster.

- "Young Frankenstein."

- "Young Frankenstein" later on is a comedy based.

It's kind of a parody of all that stuff.

And even stuff like kiddie stuff, like "The Monster Squad," which we saw in the '80s, which brought back all of these classic monsters, up until today, we still see movies based on Frankenstein.

The television series "Penny Dreadful" was just on maybe five or six years ago that featured a different version of Frankenstein, a completely different other monster.

- There's a recent film, "I, Frankenstein" with Daniel Radcliffe playing Victor Frankenstein.

- The Frankenstein, what was that one called with Sean Bean?

There was another one that was done recently that's on Netflix.

There's a lot of different Frankenstein stories out there.

It's one of those things that people are gonna keep going back to and back to.

It's classic literature that becomes classic film, in many cases.

Not in this case, unfortunately, but it does become eventually something that filmmakers will return to.

So thank you again for bringing us this piece.

And why don't you folks get back to the film here on "Nightmare Theater?"

- I never knew a monkey had a thumb.

- It's getting rather late; I should be leaving.

- Thank you for dropping by, Francis.

- (chuckling) My dear, you are an extraordinary woman, but a woman, nevertheless.

- It took a lot of arranging to get Mary in as her nurse.

'Twas for a purpose, wasn't it?

- It was, my dear.

However, don't you think this relationship has reached its end?

- No.

- You mean because Rick visited this girl today you think you're losing your hold on him?

- If I lose my hold on him, how can you hope to keep yours?

If he should leave the cult he could be a threat to us.

- What is it you feel should be done?

- Get rid of the girl.

(suspenseful music) Are you going home now?

- Not directly, no.

I have to go back to the shop for a few minutes.

Goodnight, my dear.

- Good night.

- We'll only be a few minutes.

(wheel crashing) (mechanism grinding) (mechanism rumbling) (door slamming) - It's remarkable.

The pain's gone.

And outside of being a little weak from too much bed rest, I feel fine.

How on earth did you... All right, I won't ask anymore questions.

Rick, will I see you again?

All right.

I understand.

Goodbye, Rick.

- Well, how do you feel today?

- Fine.

- That's good.

I brought you some coffee.

If you need anything else, just ring the bell.

(phone ringing) - Hello.

Yes, Mary.

Thank you.

(bell dinging) Ahmed, prepare some drinks for us.

I'm expecting Mr. Turner.

(gentle music) Hello, darling.

- I got your message.

It sounded urgent.

- Frank is calling a meeting at 10:30 tonight.

- Well, what's up?

- We don't question, Frank.

We just obey.

Aren't you going to kiss me?

- You witch, you beautiful, evil witch.

- I'm never going to let you go, remember that.

- I never want to go.

You remember that.

What's going on?

- Do you love me?

- You know I do.

- It's odd, isn't it?

How sometimes the things we do so innocently can be misinterpreted.

- Like what?

- For instance, someone might completely misunderstand your close contact with Miss Trent lately.

- So that's it?

- It's true, isn't it?

You've been to see her.

You've spoken with her on the phone.

- Listen to me.

Maybe once I thought I was in love with Donna, but that's over with.

- Is it?

- What do you think?

- I think I'd like to be sure.

- How much proof do you need?

Every waking minute you're on my mind.

Even when I sleep, I can't shake you.

You're all around me in the air, in the rain and in the sunlight.

You're as much me as I am.

- Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

- I know what you are.

I know what you've made me, but it doesn't matter.

Nothing does.

I can't kiss you without wanting more.

I'll never have enough of you.

If I thought I'd lose you, I'd- - You'd what?

- I'd kill you.

- Oh good, I am all alone.

The Baron and Mittens are down in sector eight putting out that fire I started in his fondue pot, so I have me some time.

And I have a kazoo.

All I need to do is play the special song on this kazoo and say the magic words.

(kazoo tooting) Tuscarora!

- Who has called me forth?

- Are you talking to me?

- Is it thou that summoned me?

What dost thou require, and what shall be my payment?

- Woohoo, say big fella, do you know how to make a gravy fountain?

- I have that knowledge.

For years, mortals have gone mad trying to create the fountain of eternal gravy.

DaVinci tried, Galileo too.

He gave up and focused instead on the telescope.

But I know the secret, but it'll cost you dearly.

- Can't you just talk the Baron into letting me have the gravy fountain?

You speak his language.

- Some things are beyond even my power.

However, if the gravy is worth it to you, I can send him back to the realm, and you will serve me.

- Now, he did say he wanted to go back to the realm.

But what happens to the Baron in the realm?

- It does not matter what happens there.

What happens here is you can swim in gravy.

I mean, if you want to.

All I need is the word and an agreement.

Wilst thou serve me as payment for endless gravy?

- Any flavor of gravy?

- Any.

- All day and all night?

- Until the end of days.

- Deal!

- We have an accord.

(slow drumming) - We shall begin.

The great Gamba has been offended.

He demands retribution.

There is a traitor among us.

Someone in his room does not belong.

The devil god has been betrayed.

Traitor, hear me well.

You have been discovered.

Gamba knows which one you are.

At midnight tonight, you shall die.

Gamba will be avenged.

We shall meet again here at 12:30.

One of you will not be among us.

(car rumbling) (perky music) - Can't you have Ahmed shut that music off?

- Darling, it's so good.

(suspenseful music) (man screaming) (car crashing) (fire roaring) - Oh, great Gamba, justice has been done.

You unworthy servant has been eliminated.

Let Gamba's betrayer serve as an example for the rest of you.

That traitor Lindell did not believe.

He was here to expose us.

He was going to publicize us, and maliciously attack the great devil god.

The danger is past.

The intruder has been removed from our midst.

One moment, please.

You will stay.

Come here.

The light is better, and there's something I want you to see.

Believe me, Frank- (Francis slamming hand) Francis.

I had no idea- - How long have you been with us now?

- Over a year.

- Over a year.

You can still be so foolish, so dangerously careless.

- But he lied to me, too.

I didn't know he was a newspaper man.

- Here are some of the notes he was making.

Not very flattering, are they?

If I would've known, I-I wouldn't have sponsored him.

I swear it.

- Would you be good enough to get your doll from the shelf.

(dramatic percussion) - No, you can't!

(phone ringing) - Hello, doll shop.

Yes, she is.

Oh, just a moment.

Bianca, it's Mary calling from the hospital.

- Thank you.

Hello, Mary.

Thank you for calling.

I don't think we'll be needing you any longer at the hospital.

- How did you hear about it?

She was only discharged a few minutes ago.

- Discharged?

But that's impossible.

I see.

- Just a minute.

- Goodbye, Mary.

- Goodbye, Miss.

- Rick.

How nice of you to come for me.

- Don't be nice to me, Donna.

You're just making things more difficult.

- She just left.

Mr. Turner picked her up.

- Thank you, Mary.

- It seems your first suspicions were correct.

- There's no doubt now, but it was Rick who was in here the other evening.

- I shall have to use greater discretion in passing out keys.

What do you intend doing with that?

- If you don't mind, I have my own plans for it.

- As you wish.

(suspenseful music) - Hello, and welcome back to "Nightmare Theater."

I'm sorry Mittens and I had to go away for a while.

This doofus over here caused a small fire in the fondue pot when he tried to fondue a whole pack of bologna.

But it's handled now, and hey, I didn't have to watch the movie while I was down there.

Did anything happen while we were gone, Sapo?

- Oh yes.

And there are going to be some changes around here.

I shall have my gravy fountain.

- We've our been through that.

That's not happening.

- Oh yes, but you didn't reckon on my new friend here.

Come on in here, new master.

- Well, Mr. Sapo, another rooster in the hen house.

Take thy beak from out my heart indeed.

Just who are you?

- Is this the one thou wishes to sacrifice for eternal gravy?

Is this the Baron?

- Yep.

Send him away and make with the gravy.

- So Sapo, you'd really sell me out for gravy?

- Oh, you'll be fine.

You'll be fine.

He said he was just gonna send you back to the realm.

- Where eternal death awaits.

- Whoa, you didn't tell me that.

- Thou hast already entered into the covenant.

The pact is sealed.

The deal is struck.

The die is cast.

It is too late.

Baron, prepare to meet thy doom.

- Whoa, whoa, I never wanted any of this.

Wait, I'll get all the gravy I want, right?

- That was our compact.

- No, no, I can't even do that for endless gallons of glorious gravy.

Please don't send him away.

I take it back.

- What's been done cannot be undone.

Farewell, Baron.

Say goodbye to all of this and hello to oblivion.

- I changed my mind.

Don't send him away.

- Too late for both of you.

(laughing menacingly) Oh man, I can't hold it back anymore.

Hey, Baron man.

How's it going?

- Great, I haven't seen you since that fiddle contest.

How are the kids?

- Great, great.

You know, my son is a congressman from Texas now.

He's doing great work.

You oughta see his beard.

And my daughter got a great gig.

She's with a company offering extended car warranties on the phone.

- Wait, wait, wait, you guys know each other?

- Oh yeah, Big B and me go way back.

He was a couple of centuries ahead of me in demonology school.

- We sure have known each other that long.

Hey, remember that time we talked Washington into pulling out all his teeth and replacing them with his wooden ones?

- And I released the termites?

Hey, what about not too long ago, when I talked this guy into selling his soul for phony goat race results.

That was a blast!

- Yeah, that's for sure.

Sapo, we're gonna address your paper-thin loyalty later.

Right now let's return to "The Devil's Hand" here on "Nightmare Theater."

- Hey, I got Alan Alda's dad a role in that film.

- Yeah, I remember that.

- Then this, this gesture is just for old time's sake?

- Something like that.

- Pretty fancy car.

- Belongs to a friend of mine.

I know I owe you some sort of explanation, but there's very little I can say.

Donna, I want you to leave.

Leave this town.

Move away, far away from me.

- But why?

- I can't give you any explanations that would make any sense.

Just believe me, for your own sake and for mine, Donna.

I'm asking you to leave.

- All right.

(slow drumming) - Donna.

Donna.

Donna.

Donna.

Donna.

Donna.

Can you hear me, Donna?

- Yes.

Who are you?

- It's not easy to reach you, but I'm beginning to.

Donna.

(quick drumming) - Where have you been?

I've been calling you all evening.

- I'm sorry.

Some things to attend to.

- You might have at least let me know.

- Don't be angry, darling.

I said I'm sorry.

(slow drumming) - Oh, worshipers of the great devil god Gamba, another full moon is above us.

It is a time to pass judgment, a time to offer sacrifice, a time to test the unworthy.

One among you must be called upon to prove his loyalty, to erase all doubt.

(Francis clapping) Bring in the subject.

(slow drumming) (suspenseful music) This young girl is to be the sacrifice.

You stare at her without recognition, but there is one here who knows her.

She was a part of his past.

A past he should have deserted when he declared himself to Gamba.

- I did, I swear it.

Why then did you enter these premises one night under the veil of darkness?

Why then did you remove the pin from the doll thereby administering the cure?

- I have not been disloyal.

Bianca, tell him.

You've got to believe me.

- Oh, great Gamba, he asks for your trust.

This unworthy servant begs to be believed.

It is for you to say.

Step forward.

Prove yourself.

It shall be your hand that turns the wheel.

- My hand?

Then I am to blame if the sword- - Blame?

This is not a question of blame.

This is a question of loyalty.

Spin the wheel!

- But why her?

Test me, if you must.

- That is precisely what we are doing.

Have you forgotten your oath of allegiance?

You swore to follow the commands without question, though it meant someone's destruction.

Perhaps even your own.

Spin the wheel.

(ominous music) - She knows.

Look at her eyes.

It's all her doing.

I warned you of the danger, but you wouldn't listen.

You speak of a choice.

There's no choice here.

That knife is set to kill.

Murderers, all of you, - [All] Gamba, Gamba, Gamba!

(dramatic music) - Traitor!

(punch landing) (torch crashing) (dolls clattering) - Look out, Frank!

(wheel crashing) (woman screaming) (people shouting and screaming) (fire roaring) (siren wailing) - Are you all right?

- What was I doing in there?

- Never mind.

The important thing is that you're safe and free of it.

- Are you free of it, too.

- Yes darling, we both are.

(engine turning over) - That's what he thinks.

(dramatic musical crescendo) - Hello and welcome back.

- Boy, am I glad that one's over.

- Me too.

It really is one of the worst movies ever made.

- Great music, though.

Hey man, great catching up.

I gotta get back, though.

Farewell, Baron.

(laughing) Seriously, good seeing you, man.

Hey, don't forget, 2323, I get the red coat.

You gotta be there, man.

- Later brother.

Say hello to the fellas for me.

- Will do, man.

- Um, Sapo?

We need to talk.

I'm very sorry you can't have your gravy fountain here.

Part of growing up and being an adult is realizing you can't always get what you want.

For example, I can't get a moment's peace, or a good movie, or for that matter, a dessert topping that tastes great and is low calorie.

But we have to learn to live with our disappointments.

Boy, do I know about living with disappointments.

- Look, I'm sorry, boss.

I thought he was just gonna send you back to your people.

- See, you didn't think, Sapo.

That's the problem.

Here's some free advice: when you make a deal, be it with a minor demon, or even a car salesman, same thing, really, read the fine print.

Be sure and learn to live with what you have.

Like I said, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

Speaking of which, right now you need a beating of biblical proportions, but you know what, I'm gonna hold off.

- Whew, thanks, boss.

I appreciate it.

- Well, what do we have for next week?

- We have this.

- [Narrator] Since the beginning of time, men have roamed the earth and dared the elements in search of adventure.

But today there is a new breed of adventurer.

The scientist who explores uncharted areas of the world, not for riches or adventure, but in search of answers to man's problems of pollution and disease.

Such a man on such a quest leads an ecological expedition to a primitive Latin American fishing community where they uncover the hideous fruit of atomic radiation in the form of a bizarre legend wrapped in terror and written in blood.

(dramatic musical sting) - Mittens, call a temporary service and get a replacement for Sapo for the next week or so.

- Great boss, I could use a vacation.

That's really thoughtful of you.

- Oh, it's not vacation.

Folks, have a good week while I beat Gravy Boy senseless.

And until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(rock music) (lightning crashing)