(dramatic music) - [Emmanuel] Once you push the pin, it's a little bit of bliss.

I don't know, you can't even say it, you're just free from everything.

And then you come back to reality, and you're just there.

(dramatic music) - [Andrew] I robbed a bank.

How do I explain that to people?

(dramatic music) - [Michelle] Sometimes if it's bad enough of an overdose, we'll put them on a Narcan drip and admit them, which they hate.

(dramatic music) - [Dave] In the last 10 years or so, working in a suburban community like this, I saw an increasing number of local children that I watched grow up, and next thing you know, they're mainlining heroin.

(dramatic music) - I'm doing the best I can to make sure that I don't pick up that next drug.

Every day's a struggle for me.

And it's not easy.

(dramatic music) - It's more about just thinking, like, about being ready for anything.

It's a stressful thing, but it's also really rewarding at times, and that seems to make up for all the times that are not ideal.

(mellow techno music) I still get like a little pit in my stomach before I go to work, because you never know, like, like I said, you don't really know what you're gonna walk into.

I'm starting to get that pit where I'm like, oh, it's gonna be that time, gotta go to work.

Gotta get prepared.

I think about trying to be really unselfish.

'Cause I think a lot of people go to jobs where they worry about taking care of themselves, you know?

And that's not the kind of job that I have.

I try to just kind of shelve it and think about whatever family I'm gonna see today that probably needs a lot more empathy than that.

When I was in high school, a friend of mine overdosed and died from using heroin.

And that was definitely something that affected our whole group of people, and community.

It's always easy to see it as like something that doesn't affect you, or something you don't have to deal with.

It affects people in some way, shape or form.

(mellow techno music) This is where I hang my bag everyday.

I don't know why.

And my locker is number 24.

Stethoscope on means work time.

Trauma shears and hemostats, tape.

(somber music) - She had a bowl of ice cream, we chitchatted.

She'll wake me up early in the morning, I want to do my hair, I want to do my makeup, which was to me awesome, because she didn't take care of herself when she was using.

So, she'd come upstairs into bed.

I watched some TV, and, got up in the morning, got myself a cup of coffee and went back in bed, laid in bed.

And then I grabbed my cellphone and tried to call her.

And she didn't answer the phone.

So I tried to call her again, and she didn't answer the phone again.

And so, I went to the bottom of the stairs, and I yelled up to her, and no answer.

So my heart was in my throat, because all I could think of was she went out and relapsed during the night, and she took off and went and used.

Instead of her not being here, she was laying face down on her bed, and she was dead.

She was ice cold.

She was purple.

Her eyes were open.

I'm sorry.

It was the worst day of my life, the worst day of my life.

(somber music) She was a really tough kid, and she just thought she could try it the one time, and she couldn't, she could not just do it one time.

It took her.

- It's very peaceful.

If Tessa wants to go for a walk or something, it's just something to do and I got a few hours to kill, I'm up here.

Talk about getting high on life, you don't need anything, and there's so many things in life you can do that are amazing.

My mom bought her from me in 2009 when I was released from jail the first time and got drug court.

She bought, she says here, this dog will keep you out of trouble.

Whenever I needed something to do, the dog was there for me.

So I had something to play with or go hiking, and he loved it.

It was amazing how much an animal gets affected by your love and how much the animal loves you can really affect your lifestyle.

(somber music) Everything was spiraling out of control for that whole year.

How many times was I doing it?

I couldn't even tell you.

At least four bundles a day, minimum.

I was very, very good at hiding it.

I did it on my own discreetly.

I didn't want people to know I was putting needles into my arm, that's crazy.

I was very isolated during that time of use, probably because I knew I was high all the time, and I knew it was negative, and I didn't want to bring it around people, I didn't like the fact, I didn't like the person I was, and I didn't know how to get away from it.

With an addiction like that, the worst enemy's yourself.

Not anybody else.

'Cause it's your own mind that's the problem that you're fighting against.

Sitting in a cell where you're alone, without the drugs, when you start realizing what you did.

It's horrible.

Especially with the withdrawing effect, and then everything else from using.

After you've created such a big hole, how do you climb out of it?

When you're in active addiction, you can't.

I needed to get slapped around and go to prison.

I really needed it, it was the only way I could think more and clearly get my thought process back for a period of time.

And then I still didn't learn, got in trouble in prison, and then they put me in solitary confinement.

And I thought, hey, this is your only chance, this is your last chance, can you please learn?

I can beat depression by training.

I can beat anxiety by working out.

I can beat a lot of my problems if I just do stuff.

(somber music) You need another outlet, this is what helps me is training, what helps me from drugs, what helps me feel better about, my daily activities make me feel better about life in general, a positive outlook.

You leave the gym feeling extremely energized, ready for the day and happy.

So why do you need a drug?

(dramatic music) - At two or three o'clock in the morning, four o'clock in the morning, just sitting here, waiting for somebody to come by, to pick me up I guess, to give me money, or whatever.

Just to get more.

Like, I couldn't live without it.

I couldn't go to sleep knowing that I didn't have nothing to wake up to.

Like, the drug was everything to me.

I lived for that.

That was everything to me.

Being that I was homeless, I didn't have nowhere to go.

I had this bag.

And in this bag, I had clothes.

So what I used to do, I used to come behind over here.

I used to go in that little corner over there, and I used to change my clothes over there.

And that's where I left my bag of clothes, hidden back there.

I put myself in danger a lot down here.

No, I prostituted, there was times that I prostituted, like years ago.

I can say I haven't prostituted like in five years.

The last five years, like I've been stealing.

Or, yeah, I've been stealing from stores to support my habit.

Using and stealing goes hand in hand with me.

Like, when I use, I have to go out and take stuff from stores and steal to go sell it to get my drug.

So that was the cycle that I was.

Go steal, sell it to get drugs.

Steal, sell it to get drugs.

Because now, I'm older, I don't want to be on a corner picking up nobody, you know, so.

I used to do it out here.

I used to always watch my back and just do it here.

Sitting here.

Just out in the open, like didn't care about anybody but myself.

I don't want to stand on these corners at two or three o'clock in the morning.

That's not a great feeling.

Being homeless and not having something to eat, to be starving out there.

And then people rejecting you, people giving their back to you.

Like looking at you down.

Like, you're a worthless piece of shit.

And now all I want to do is be happy man, live life.

Like, I'm tired of existing.

I don't want to exist no more, I want to live life.

I've been on methadone now two months.

The first month it was, it was basically bringing me up, every couple of days, they'll bring me up 10 milligrams.

Just to get me on the dose that I need to be on.

The blockage dose.

I go to Camino Nuevo, it's an awesome program.

They talk Spanish, that's what a lot of us need.

We need people that care, you know, that really genuinely care.

I really feel like this is working, it's really working.

I haven't used heroin, and it's only because the doses of methadone is working.

It keeps me out of withdrawal.

It keeps me level, it keeps me, it keeps me feeling like I could do some stuff.

I got my apartment, for the first time in so many years.

Like, I haven't had my own in so many years.

I don't want to go through what I went through.

I don't want to be homeless ever again.

I'm proud of myself, I really am.

A lot of people, you know, they always gonna judge me, they always gonna think whatever they want to think.

I can't change what other people think about me.

I can't do that.

I know what I'm doing to me.

And that's what matters.

I'm gonna be somebody.

I'm gonna be a productive member of society.

(ethereal music) (ethereal music) - I want to say how I got here, but I'd also like to talk about how this has affected my family, as addiction is a family disease, because the family is very affected.

- This is so hard.

- If I can change one person's life it's worth doing.

I can't stress that enough, that's the reason why I'm doing it, I'm scared and nervous, all that, but it doesn't matter when it comes down to it.

It matters that I can change somebody else's path.

And show everybody that looks at my path, I lead by example, that I can change it around.

- Heroin just takes over, you know, like it really does.

It's like the last drug, you know, that everybody tries, for the most part.

And once you do that, it takes over everything.

And even transferring from sniffing it to shooting it is like when everything just went so bad.

- I initially went to an inpatient program.

I overdosed the same day I got out.

I was in the hospital on a Narcan drip.

I woke up, and I was disgusted with myself.

Totally disgusted.

- Heroin doesn't discriminate.

Gay, straight, black, white, women, mothers, children.

Children, it's affecting our younger generation so much, because pills aren't as accessible anymore.

- [Monika] It's just, the whole way you're doing it just changes.

You go from being an addict to a complete train wreck.

You know.

(sighs) - I've been addicted to opiates since I was 17 years old.

I started off with just taking pain meds.

I got in a bad skateboarding accident.

I fell in the fetal position too many times, and I got nerve damage in my shoulder and my toes.

They started me off on 240 Oxy 15's a month at 17.

I was doomed from the start.

- Three children under the age of five.

I'm working nights, getting very little sleep, and I'm going back, you know, for my masters degree.

And something in me just, like, I couldn't take it anymore.

I was going on very little sleep.

I had gotten a severe ear infection.

And I think it was my left ear.

And, I remember going to the walk-in, and like, my face was swollen, and he prescribed me Vicodin.

Never thought anything of abusing any type of pain pill.

I didn't even know people did that.

- You just gotta give yourself a chance.

You gotta give yourself a chance.

Because you're never gonna stop doing what you're doing.

I mean.

There's nothing that changed inside of me that doesn't love getting high.

I love getting high.

It's a great feeling.

But just all the stuff that comes along with it.

It's just not worth it, you lose everything.

And, it's all starting to hit me now.

Like, this is my life, this is what I made of it.

You know, and if you don't change it, nothing's gonna change.

(dog barks) (cage clatters) - Sit.

Stay.

When I was growing up, for me, thinking about drugs like this, it was the fear.

I pictured people sitting in alleys with a needle stuck out of their arm.

And how ugly that looked, and what they were doing to themselves.

And it was just, I was so fearful of why someone would do that, and what it would do to their lives.

(somber music) Working in a suburban community like this, I saw an increasing number of local children that I watched grow up, and next thing you know, they're 22, 24, 24 years old, and they're mainlining heroin.

(melancholy music) There's gotta be something out there before they get into it and try it the first time to get the word out.

I certainly don't think talking to our fifth graders and you know, 10, 11 year olds about heroin is the answer.

But somewheres along the line in high school, they really need to know that if they make this decision, they need to know that they could only make this decision once, and then their life is ruined from there.

(police siren wails) So, when we're guaranteeing confidentiality and privacy, to be able to help people with this problem, it really doesn't go hand in hand with what law enforcement does.

Because our service is done as a safety-based function.

It's meant to prevent things coming into the wrong hands.

It's not penalty-driven.

Our goal is not to find somebody doing something wrong and then lock them up.

Because I think we've proven that just locking up our drug addicts and dealers isn't always the answer.

(melancholy music) - Everyday, I would say, we are pretty much out on the street buying heroin.

A few years ago, it used to be crack cocaine.

Pretty much now, all we're seeing is heroin.

All over.

I've never seen something like this in probably 23 years.

It's like no other drug.

I mean, it, people die everyday from this drug.

It is, and I worry for, you know, my kids.

It is really scary.

(somber music) It is so sad to see how a young person, who has their whole life ahead of them, this is what they're faced with, they're faced with this addiction for the rest of their life.

And the first time they use this drug might be the last.

We've seen so many overdoses.

A couple years ago in this area, I don't want to say exactly where, but I know people were handing out packets of heroin at a party where kids were for free.

Because they knew that they would become addicted and they would be a return customer.

That to me is horrific.

(somber music) I mean, we can't reach every kid out there.

And the schools certainly, you know, I know they're trying to do their best.

But they can't, if the parents aren't sitting down with their kids and telling them the reality and showing them, you know, news pieces, and information about this drug, that they do.

Because, it's just extremely dangerous.

(somber music) You know, if you think your community doesn't have heroin, you're kidding yourself, 'cause it's definitely there.

We need to rid our communities of this drug.

It is the most horrific drug I have ever seen.

So, we're doing everything we can, and we want the community to know that we're here, and to reach out to us if they need help.

We're putting our lives on the line everyday, going out and buying this stuff.

And trying to take it off the streets.

So, we're doing everything we can.

But also the community needs to get involved also.

(somber music) - Jesus, this brings back so many memories.

I haven't been here in so long, guys.

But I mean, we used to ice skate here, fish.

You know, this is such a great place to grow up.

And then as a teenager, kind of getting into trouble, and smoking pot, and hanging out in these woods up here.

I remember what it felt like to be insecure.

You know, even though I was kind of a popular kid.

Inside I didn't feel popular.

You know, I always felt a little bit uncomfortable in my own skin.

(ethereal music) Things continued to kind of just go, sort of like a regular childhood, but I was still doing things, you know, that I probably shouldn't have been doing.

I was viewed as a good kid who had a lot of promise.

You know, decent brain, and I don't know why that was.

'Cause my actions didn't line up with people's perceptions of me.

And I recognized it even at that young age.

You wake up everyday, your body itches, it aches, you feel nauseous, headaches, you can't focus.

Now, at this time, I'm still functioning as an attorney at a high level.

I ended up leaving the Justice Department, coming back up here, got a job at a firm in Albany.

And, you know, but I had this opiate habit.

So what do you do with that?

I was leading this dichotomous existence, where I was using, time went on.

I couldn't get a New York doctor to prescribe prescription pain meds.

The only other alternative at that point was heroin.

(somber music) - Addiction doesn't know a, a social group or, you know, any sort of specific background.

So you'll see a lot of different people.

And a lot of people have different stories for, you know, how they first got access to drugs.

And it's different for a lot of different patients.

Everybody has their own story.

I think the only thing that is the same is that no one's ever said to me, I always knew I would end up using heroin.

(mellow techno music) We're grabbing Narcan to give somebody Narcan.

We can, you know, pull it up in a syringe.

It made it difficult, like if you found a patient that was not easily accessible, it would become difficult to kind of get at them and get a vein, and be able to use Narcan.

But, they now make these awesome little nasal atomizers, which you can, basically you just put your medication and attach it, and it makes this fine mist, and you can put it right into their nose and inject the Narcan that way.

(mellow techno music) I remember one guy who was, he, he had recently gotten out of jail.

And had gone home to be with his family.

And had gotten some heroin to celebrate getting out of jail.

We, you know, went out to the car, got him on the stretcher, brought him in.

Cut off his clothes, you don't have a lot of time.

And started an IV and gave him Narcan.

Which they hate, because you basically just popped them into like withdrawal.

They were in a, a really, they were feeling no pain, they were high.

And then you took that away.

And he woke up and was extremely upset that we had cut off his sweatshirt because it had been a gift from his grandmother.

And that was his absolute first response, and even though we explained him everything that happened, he was still mad about that sweatshirt.

(ethereal music) - It was one night, and, we didn't sleep.

You know, every time you hear a noise outside, you're wondering what's going on.

It was about one o'clock in the morning.

And, I heard a car go by.

And I knew that it just didn't sound or feel right.

And then Sean was outside, supposedly to have a cigarette.

So I walked to the door.

Sean didn't know I was inside the door.

And as soon as he started walking towards the mailbox, I came out of the house and beat him to the mailbox.

Somebody dropped it off in our mailbox.

And I got it, into the bathroom, and Kim was helping me, and Sean tried to get through me to get to where his mother was flushing the stuff down the toilet.

I was on the outside of the bathroom door, and he was trying to get through me.

And when I was going out the door to get to those bags, I'm telling Sean, I'm gonna kill those.

If I had a chance to get to that car, I'd probably be in jail.

(somber music) You go to a hospital, you go to your doctor, you expect to be taken care of.

My opinion is that they turned their back on him.

- Right, they didn't, Sean was not treated as if he had a disease.

- He was treated like a criminal.

- Yeah, Sean was really treated like he was the scum of the earth.

And his self-esteem was so low.

We're not trying to glorify Sean and say that he was not a participant in all of this, but he really was, failed by the healthcare system, by the insurance companies.

- What they saw in him maybe didn't meet their criteria.

But when somebody comes to you and says I need help, I have a disease, I'm an addict.

(somber music) - And they said that because he was not homicidal, suicidal and had a safe home environment.

Sean had a great deal of sorrow for what his addiction did to us.

And, I mean, more than once, he said I'm so sorry.

I'm not the son that you raised me to be.

And I don't want to be an addict.

(melancholy music) (soothing music) - I went to college, I had a degree.

I just never, it just spiraled.

It just went from one thing to the next.

And I was up to like 20, 50 pills a day.

- It's the first thing on your mind everyday.

The minute you have a little taste of it, the minute you taste it, smell it, hear it, hear about it, see it, you know, you want it.

And that's what you think about.

It's hard to get that thought out of your mind.

- I was always a functional drug addict.

The educated drug addict.

I came from a broken home, but all around, it was a good childhood, I don't have any complaints, nothing traumatizing ever happened to me.

- I mean, my whole life, everything I had worked for, was, was gone.

I was manipulating my parents into giving me money.

I turned into a monster, I really did.

And it's so crazy, because I don't even recognize that person that I became.

- I can't stress enough the fact that I picked up a needle one day, and stuck it in my arm.

Literally, I say it all the time, it grabbed me by the soul.

I was not the same person anymore.

Nothing else mattered to me besides getting my next fix.

If you said, Ashley, do you want to take your next breath, or do you want this needle, and I would have took the needle.

(somber music) - There's so much more to life than running the streets and getting high, and not feeling what's going on in your life.

I mean, I love feeling.

Good feelings, bad feelings that are going on in my life today, like, I didn't feel any of that before.

(ethereal music) - Go, come on.

This is good here with those.

Heroin, ectasy, and this is synthetic marijuana.

Sigma.

(ethereal music) Down.

When you're talking about heroin, you're talking about a life or death situation.

Stay.

I was employed by the Town of Bethlehem since 1988, and I retired in '13.

I basically got into law enforcement right out of high school, I was in communications, and I eventually got hired by the Albany County Sheriffs in 1986 when I went through the academy.

Now that's what it's all about, isn't it?

That's a good boy, good boy.

(ethereal music) Now I can speak about it a little bit differently and kind of attack it in a different manner.

Because now that I don't have to worry about being a sworn law enforcement officer, it gives me the other options to be able to help these people and offer some suggestions.

(ethereal music) I get clients across the board.

I get some who don't have very much money to some of the wealthiest.

I've done a lot of work, unfortunately, I've done a lot of work, as it applies to heroin, I'm doing a lot of our searches in homes where people are actually already in rehab, and they want to make sure that they're coming home to a house that's clean of what their vice was.

People have discussed, you know, do you feel you're crossing the line, do you feel you're breaking boundaries between, you know, a parent-child relationship or a family relationship.

(ethereal music) Even if someone has, you know, has a question in their mind, whether they are morally doing the right thing, are they doing the right thing for their family, once they think if I don't do something, this person could die.

It makes it very easy for them to say, you know what, I'm gonna make the choice for life.

And if that means losing trust or breaching that trust to save somebody's life, that's what we're gonna do.

(ethereal music) (somber music) - I'm working real hard, people look up to me because I work real hard, real fast paced.

So the harder I work, the more people would talk, hey, he's a real good worker.

So it would make me work even harder.

And I destroyed my back, and I herniated two discs.

I found out, yeah obviously, it was really brutal.

I wanted to have surgery, couldn't get the surgery because I didn't have insurance.

I was medicated with opiates, and they worked great.

So that's part of the reason why opiates caught me, is they made me feel phenomenal, I could get a ton of stuff done, and I didn't feel the pain in my back, and I felt focused and ambitious, and drive was through the roof.

(somber music) Now I'm taking more of the meds, more of the meds, more of the meds to compensate for my tolerance.

It was going through the roof.

You take an opiate, your tolerance builds and builds.

Now I'm at the point where nothing's working.

Heroin's everywhere, I'm selling that, might as well try that.

'Cause I'm selling it, so I start to sniff the heroin.

Obviously that worked real good for a little while, and it's not working now.

My friends were shooting it, and they're showing me, this is how you do it.

Oh man, it's been so long, I couldn't tell you the exact feeling right now.

But other than the needle going in and you see the blood, once you push the pin just a little bit, that little bit's enough, you just, you put your feet up, a warm sensation, a tingling.

And then this feeling for five or 10 minutes.

It's just like, bliss.

I don't know, you can't even say it.

You're just free from everything.

And then you come back to reality, and then you're just there.

And even before I was using training as a positive outlet.

I was training and using drugs, I just did it because I liked the fitness.

Was I in good shape, healthy, no, not at all.

So it's a huge difference that I now utilize it as everything.

Now, when I go to put something in my body, is that bad for me or is that good for me.

You know what I mean, I actually think twice about what I'm consuming.

If you're gonna be healthy, you've gotta be all in it, 'cause it's not partial, it's not something you can put a little bit of effort into.

You gotta eat clean, you gotta work out appropriately, you've gotta be drug free, you've gotta maintain or limit the alcohol use or not drink at all.

'Cause that is a drug.

This is what I like to do, this is what keeps me clean and sober and it makes me feel good about my life to help others and to make me feel good.

Because I work out and feel healthy.

So it's gonna keep me on the path of drug free and maintain the lifestyle I live.

(ethereal music) (somber piano music) - I've got Bluetooth, and I'd call or he'd call when I'm on my way home.

And he's like, ma, I gotta go.

Like my steak is ready.

And I'm like, all right bud, love you.

Love you too mom.

That was it.

(somber music) - He was the captain of the football team.

He was, well, he started out as center, then they moved him to defensive end and offensive guard.

(somber music) - He was a big, he was always a big, big man.

With a little boy inside.

With a very kind heart.

He was extremely loyal to his friends and family.

And he was kind and generous to his friends and family.

Sean made friends with everybody at school.

You know, Tim coached.

I was the team parent.

And I went to the PTA meetings, and I was the room mother.

And we chaperoned field trips, you know.

So, our kids were our lives.

I mean, if it was a love thing, he'd still be here.

- [Laree] Hey Mel, it's Laree.

This is my new number, I just wanted to give you a call and chitchat for awhile.

Give me a call whenever you have a chance, or send me a text or something.

We need to get together soon.

I'm back home, so, let me know.

All right, bye.

- That's the only way I get to hear her voice.

It's kind of insane.

It's kind of insane, but, you know, I have to play it sometimes and listen to her.

She was sick as a dog.

I thought she was really sick, like, I was gonna take her to the hospital, not knowing, I had no idea.

And, she told me one morning, she said, I need your help.

I've been using heroin for the last week.

We went to the doctor, the doctor said, I have no experience with this, you have to take her off to the hospital.

So we went over to St.

Peter's, and detox admitted her.

And, gave her Suboxone, I'm assuming.

And she checked herself out the next day, because she was 18 and she could.

She literally lost 30 pounds in a month.

She hated herself.

I mean, when she initially came to me after that first week, she hated herself.

She felt disgusting, she was humiliated.

One day, she said, I'm ready.

She actually asked me if it was okay if she went out and used before I brought her to the hospital.

This time I took her clothes, I took her shoes, I took her jacket, and I figured, well, if you want to check yourself out, go ahead, but you'll be in a hospital gown.

And she didn't, she stayed.

She needed to go inpatient rehab.

And the insurance doctor was saying no.

There was a place that had gone in there and done their spiel advertising their facility.

Ultimately, it was in Connecticut.

And she said, I remember them saying they'll take payments.

I said fine, let's get her into it.

She needs to go.

I was ready to sell everything I owned.

Just to be able to get her treatment.

So I took her down there, right from detox.

She was so much better.

I mean, she was gaining weight.

She was doing her hair, she looked fantastic.

She was doing great.

They kind of gave her an option.

She said I'm not ready to get out.

I'm not ready to leave.

They have a sober house down there.

Or she could actually stay where she was, but she would be not in that facility.

She would be in an off building.

You come out, I'll bring you home, get your car, we'll pack your car.

'Cause she needed bedding for the bed that was already there.

We came back here, she left me and drove away.

And the guy from, that owned the sober house called me up at midnight, and said, did something change?

She's not here.

She relapsed.

(ethereal music) That's what happened to my baby.

And I try to stress so hard to anybody that I know that would even contemplate using, don't use that stuff, not even once.

- I had lost hope.

And, in that level of despair and depression, I don't know, I don't know what propelled me, my legs or my feet, towards the door to rob that bank.

Naturally, it's a wrong thing to do.

I'm not a bank robber, I'm not a sociopath, you know.

And I feel terrible for anyone that was involved.

And I think about it daily, and I regret it daily.

But I also have to remind myself daily that I have to move on from it.

Because if I don't, if I live in that shame, if I live in that regret and guilt, I'm only hurting those people that I love.

I think a lot of what happened around the crimes, and the excessive drug use was episodic.

And I think a lot of it was driven by my depression and my anger at myself for not being able to pull out of that.

(somber music) I had just robbed a bank, and I drove into Albany in rush hour traffic, cops everywhere, helicopters, the whole scene.

And I thought for a moment, I said, you know what, I'm gonna run my vehicle into that cement pylon up there.

At the highest speed I can get to.

I remember unbuckling my seatbelt.

So that when I hit, I could go through.

But some voice in my head said don't do it.

You can get through this.

And there's a way out, and there's help around you.

And the fact of the matter is, it's only gonna be okay if you make those little correct choices everyday.

These are your decisions.

And there's life after heroin.

I'm proof of that.

The message is is that there is hope.

Absolutely.

(piano music) - [Monika] This place is just amazing.

Recovery can work if you want it to.

- I feel like today, I have stuff to look forward to.

You know, so I'm not excited to get out of here.

Because right now I feel like this is my home.

And these girls are like you know, my second family.

But I'm actually excited for the future.

I'm excited to be a good mom again.

I just can't wait to be back home again with my children.

And I can't wait to be back and being like a productive member of society.

Like, that's what I'm excited for.

- When I was in jail, I detoxed so bad that they had to put me in the hospital twice.

And they had me on methadone, and I was higher than anything than I've ever been.

And I know that if you give me that, as a drug addict, I am going to keep doing it and doing it and doing it, upping the dose, upping the dose.

It's just prolonging the inevitable.

We're just replacing one drug for the other.

It's either get on one side of the fence or the other.

You can't sit on the in between.

It's just not gonna work out for you.

If you're serious about recovery, just do it.

- I don't think that the maintenance part is necessary.

Once you're over being sick, you're over being sick.

- Being sick is the worst part.

- Then you start abusing it, and I don't agree with that.

(somber music) Today, I'm just trying my hardest to focus on myself while I'm here.

And so many girls have completed this program.

And so many of them come back up here.

And they tell us how great this program worked for them.

And these girls are sober and have cars and jobs, and have their kids back in their lives.

And, I don't know, this program is just so amazing, and I'm so thankful to have gotten a chance to come here.

- I'm excited to see the person that walks out of these doors.

I've grown so much in the past 60 days, that I didn't think I had to work on the things that I'm working on, and identifying and processing my issues.

That the person I'm becoming, I'm excited to see who walks through those doors, and what I'm capable of doing.

- I would just, I would tell my 25 year old self to just slow down and, you know, you're doing a good job.

You don't have to conquer the world, you know, like, it's okay, you know, to just slow down.

(soothing music)