[classical music] [thunder crashing] [bright piano music] [fingers snapping] Now long ago when the world began.

The Lord said, “I think I’m gonna make a man.” A brand new creature, long and lean.

I might as well call him a Human Bean.

Hallelujah, Lord.

I’m gonna make a Human Bean.

Now every other creature that the world had seen.

Was nothing but an animal that’s kinda dumb.

I think I’m gonna give this new Human Bean.

Some ability to reason and a useful thumb.

Thank you, thank You, Lord.

For such a useful thumb.

So the good Lord worked, and He worked all day.

And a man emerged from a piece of clay, He was strong of limb, and fair of feature.

Was truly a very remarkable creature.

Care to hold my hand, I’m feelin’ weak.

I think Your creature is about to speak.

[silence] Pardon me, Lord, I could be wrong.

I think Your man’s gonna sing a song.

[silence] Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar.

I think Your creature is about to holler.

[grunts] - Say, what happened to that ability to reason?

- He’s got it.

He’s just not using it.

- He’s using the thumb!

- He’ll use the reason, too.

Just give him a little time.

- Ah!

- Well, Man did learn to reason, but it took time.

He learned to recognize other animals, but he had trouble remembering which were his friends, and which were not.

[Elephant trumpets] [Dog barks] [Bonk] [audience laughs] He also found it hard to communicate his feelings to other Human Beans.

When he met someone he didn’t like, he reacted like this: [man laughing] [bonk] But when he met someone he liked, he reacted this way: [screams] [bonk] You can see why the other humans were confused, if not altogether unconscious.

But before long, a couple of million years or so, Man did learn to communicate.

[all shouting excitedly] - Ooh ooh!

First word.

Little word.

Animal.

- What’s this growing out your head?

- Oh froggy!

[grumbling] - Deer.

- Deer??

- Deer!!

- Deer, deer!

- [All] Deer, deer, deer, deer!

- Oh foot.

- Foot?

- Foot.

- Foot!

- [All] Foot, foot, foot, foot!

- Club.

Club!

[bonk] - Club.

[audience laughs] - [all} Club!

- Now that Man had learned to communicate, he could let others know how he felt about them.

- You stink!

[bonk] [audience laughs] I love you!

- [giggles] [bonk] - Sometimes it’s hard to break old habits.

[audience laughs] In those days, Human Beans lived by one simple rule: [upbeat march playing] ♪ Now say you’re walking one day.

♪ ♪ In your Neanderthal way.

♪ ♪ And a tyrannosaurus wrecks your little toe.

♪ ♪ There’s only one thing to do.

♪ ♪ That would be tried and true.

♪ ♪ A very simple method you should know: ♪ ♪ Grunt softly ♪ [Grunt, grunt] ♪ And carry a big stick.

♪ ♪ Bash his head in.

♪ ♪ Ka-whop!

♪ ♪ And he will catch on quickly that you are angry.

♪ ♪ And he won’t bother you.

♪ ♪ Let your club do your talking for you.

♪ ♪ If in the cave next to yours.

♪ ♪ There is a fellow who snores.

♪ ♪ And sleeping is impossible for you.

♪ ♪ Oh ooh!

♪ ♪ Just tip toe into his cave.

♪ ♪ And give his hair a new wave.

♪ ♪ With your special blend of sandlewood shampoo.

♪ ♪ Use your night comp?

♪ ♪ Grunt softly ♪ [Grunt, grunt] ♪ And carry a big stick.

♪ ♪ Knock his lights out.

♪ ♪ Ka-whop!

♪ ♪ And he will catch on quick that he is snoring, ♪ ♪ snoring, snoring.

♪ ♪ And he won’t bother you.

♪ ♪ Let your club do your talking for you.

♪ ♪ If there’s a girl you adore.

♪ ♪ And she treats you like a fool.

♪ ♪ And she won’t return your gentle acts of love.

♪ [grunt grunt] ♪ Just walk right up to your sweet.

♪ ♪ And knock her off of her feet.

♪ ♪ With a gentle piece of hardwood from above.

♪ ♪ Your lonely hearts club.

♪ ♪ Grunt softly ♪ [Grunt, grunt] ♪ And carry a big stick.

♪ ♪ A gentle love tap.

♪ ♪ Ka-tap!

♪ ♪ And she will catch on quick that you love her.

♪ ♪ Love her, love her.

♪ ♪ And she’s bound to fall for you.

♪ ♪ Let your club do your talking for you.

♪ ♪ If... you... are... sick up to here.

♪ ♪ With someone bending your ear.

♪ ♪ With an extremely boring brontosaurus joke.

♪ - This brontosaurus walks into the move theater.

♪ You’re sure to quiet him down.

♪ ♪ If you just ignore his frown.

♪ ♪ With a gentle hint that’s made of solid oak.

♪ ♪ Grunt softly ♪ [Grunt, grunt] ♪ And carry a big stick.

♪ ♪ Throw a punch line.

♪ ♪ Ka-punch!

♪ ♪ And he will catch on quick that he is boring.

♪ ♪ Boring, boring.

♪ ♪ And he won’t bother you.

♪ ♪ Let your club do your talking for you.

♪ ♪ Just like Roosevelt’s gonna say.

♪ ♪ A million decades from today.

♪ ♪ Let your club do your talking for you.

♪ ♪ You’ll be a knock out!

♪ ♪ Let your club do.

♪ ♪ Your talking.

♪ ♪ For you.

♪ [applause] - Now Man’s club was also used for food.

- Ow!

- No.

What do you think that is, a club sandwich?

When he got hungry, he simply went out and clubbed an animal.

- Went out and clubbed an animal!

Hiiiiiyah!

Hiyah!

Where’d he go?

Oh there.

Hiyup!

[bonk] - And this became known as the Diner’s Club.

But after a while, Man got tired of eating only meat.

One day, Human Bean was sitting under a tree when something fell on his head.

[clonk].

It looked too small to club, so he bit it.

It tasted great!

So he called his friends.

- Hey you, come here!

- Everybody loved it.

- [All] Mmmmm!

- But they hated the seeds.

- [All] Yuck!

[spits] - So they spit them out the back door of the cave.

After a while, someone noticed that new plants had grown up where the seeds had been.

[ding] At first, they thought this was magic.

- [All] Ooh.

- Because they weren't very bright.

- [All] Duuuhhhh.

- Except for one Human Bean named Agri.

- Ta Dah!

- Now Agri decided this was perfectly natural.

- This is natural, man.

- And if they spit more seeds, more plants would grow.

They tried it.

[spits] [ding] It worked!

They all decided that Agri was very cultured, so they named this new discovery... “Seed Spitting.” [audience laughs] I told you they weren’t very bright.

[spitting] - Soon, some of the Human Beans gave up animal clubbing to become full time Seed Spitters.

- Hey, they’re splitting!

- No, we’re spitting.

- Soon, Seed Spitters learned that plants only grew where there was dirt.

[spit] - Eh.

[spit] [slide whistle] - So they stopped sweeping out their caves.

- ♪ Dirty dirty Seed Spitters.

♪ ♪ Nasty bunch of swamp critters.

♪ - And the Animal Clubbers learned that game was frightened by the scent of Man, so they stopped taking baths hoping to smell like animals.

[sniffs] They did!

- ♪ Phew wee Animal Clubbers, ♪ ♪ they smell as bad as garbage grubbers.

♪ [exhaling] - Communication broke down.

- [both] You stink!

- They decided to take the worry out of being close.

They moved.

But they were still within a stone’s throw of each other.

- Air mail.

- Yes, the long-distance rock was the next best thing to being there.

Now soon these two rock groups moved further apart.

The Seed Spitters found better dirt.

- [singing] ♪ Down in the valley.

♪ - And the Animal Clubbers moved up in life.

- [singing] ♪ Climb every mountain.

♪ - Even though the two tribes became more distant, the violence didn’t end.

It just became better organized.

- Bean hut!

[marching music] - [All] You stink!

[whimpering] [whistle blows] - Whoo hut whoo hut whoo hut bah!

- Seed Spitters win the toss.

Elect to play this side.

Now let’s keep it clean.

I don’t want none of this, none of this, and none of this.

Ready?

Bonk heads.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hup.

- 25, 39, 22, bonk heads.

- [All] You... - Stink, stink, stink!

- [whistle blows] - [barks] - Illegal procedure.

Unsportsmanlike bonking.

Seed Spitters.

- What?

I never touched him.

We was robbed.

- Bonk at will!

- [All] Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk.

- And that’s how the place became known as “Bonker” Hill.

[bonk] - Human Beans still hadn’t learned that clubs don’t solve anything.

They drifted in clouds of confusion.

Chaos reigned.

Followed by occasional ignorance and patches of downright stupidity.

Like the day the sun went out.

- [All] Who the?— Heeeyyyy... - Followed by fear.

- [All] Ooh ooh ooh ooh!

- And widely scattered screams.

- [All] Aaaaaaahhhh!

- This period became known as The Dark Ages.

During this time, Humans accomplished very little.

- No wonder.

They couldn’t see nothing!

- Of course it was just an eclipse.

But when the sun came back out, the Human Beans found a club sticking out of a stone.

- [Gasp] Look!

A club sticking out of a stone!

- [Grunt of effort] - [laughs] - Boooo!

- They needed a leader.

Someone to take hold of the situation and pull for the common good.

- Yay!

- And so he became the King of Clubs.

- Aw shucks, you shouldn’t have.

[laughs comedically] - Hey, why should this idiot be King?

- Yeah, why should this idiot be King?

[Bonk, bonk] - Because in those days, the King of Clubs beat two of a kind.

[audience groans, laughs] - Two, three, four.

♪ Now the Human Beans had picked themselves a king.

♪ - [All] Yay King!

- ♪ Who sealed his orders with his royal ring.

♪ ♪ Now the Beans all worked like crazy.

♪ ♪ While the King got fat and lazy.

♪ ♪ Then he took the better half of everything.

♪ - ♪ It’s not very fair for a King.

♪ ♪ To get fat while the Beans are all starving.

♪ - ♪ Now the Beans all went to the King one day and said.

♪ - ♪ Yoo Hoo!

♪ - ♪ We’re hungry and we really need some bread.

♪ - ♪ Butter, too!

♪ - ♪ He made his big mistake when he said ♪ - ♪ Let ‘em eat cake.

♪ - ♪ And before you know, that King had lost his head.

♪ - ♪ Oh yes we learned to use our Beanity ♪ ♪ to cure a selfish Human Bean.

♪ - ♪ Now any time that Beans are in a stew.

♪ - ♪ Bean stew!

♪ - ♪ And they need someone to tell them what to do.

♪ - ♪ What to do!

♪ - ♪ The decision’s always fairer.

♪ ♪ If everything is shared.

♪ - ♪ Even little Beans like me.

♪ - ♪ And me.

♪ - ♪ And you.

♪ - ♪ [All] And you.

♪ ♪ It’s no matter if the tall Beans, ♪ ♪ small Beans, all Beans have a voice.

♪ ♪ Oh say can’t you see ♪ ♪ How the world ought to be.

♪ - ♪ Well there’s got to be a top Bean on the vine.

♪ - ♪ Very well.

♪ - ♪ To lead and keep the other Beans in line.

♪ - ♪ Do tell.

♪ - ♪ And leadership’s okay as long as each Bean has a say.

♪ ♪ When we’re all in charge, the country’s doin’ fine.

♪ - ♪ It’s such a big choice, each Bean must have a voice.

♪ ♪ Every dog must have his day.

♪ ♪ And every horse must have his hay.

♪ ♪ And every Bean must have his ♪ ♪ Every Bean must have his.

♪ ♪ Every Bean must have his say!

♪ Say!

[applause] - So the Beans convened to elect a leader.

- Mr. Speaker, the great state of Beansylvania casts its vote for the brilliant Human Bean, the number one Seed Spitter— - Sit down!

- Mr. Chairman, the sovereign state of Alabeana nominates that number one Human Bean and first class Animal Clubber— - [arguing] - I say that all Human Beans have the right to bare clubs!

- And I say that all Human Beans have the right to club bears.

[arguing] [ding] - The dispute between the two sides came to a head.

[bonk] [cries of pain] So the Spitters elected their own leaders.

- Fellow Seed Spitters, we’ve been spitting in the wind too long.

- Yeah!

- If we expect to make it in this world, we’ve got to spit together.

[spits] The time has come to form a Spitter's co-op.

Hole [spit] cover.

Hole [spit] cover.

Hole [spit] cover.

Hole [spit] cover.

- Hey, shake a leg, youse guys, we’ve gotta spit the whole lower 40 by sundown.

- Oh, give us a break!

I’m too pooped to pucker!

- Hole [spit] cover.

Hole [spit] cover.

- The Animal Clubbers elected a leader, too.

- Now Animal Clubbers, as you know, we had to postpone our annual rabbit clubbing.

The problem is the animals around here are getting club shy.

Now I propose that we train some other animals to help us catch them.

[barks] We’ve already clubbed our limit today.

Let’s take him home alive.

And we’ll club him later.

- Soon the Animal Clubbers got tired of meat.

- [chanting] Meat meat is all we eat.

Some vegetables would sure be neat.

If the Spitters didn’t hate us, perhaps they’d give us some potatoes.

- And the Seed Spitters got sick and tired of salads.

- [chanting] Vegetables for every meal.

These rutabagas make us nauseous.

Maybe we could make a deal for some sirloin, if we’re cautious.

- So the two tribes met to exchange food.

First, trading was simple.

- We’ll give you all our veggies for all your animals.

- Okay.

[celebrating] - Then trading got much more complicated.

- I’ll give you four bushels of corn and two bunches of grapes for pork roast and a half a side of beef.

- Sure.

You got change for a duck?

- First, give me that fish you owe me.

- I gave you that fish three days ago.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

Look in your pocket.

Well there’s no fish in my pocket.

- Well then what’s that I smell?

[laughing] - [angry mumblings] It’s you, you stinking Animal Clubber!

[laughing] - [angry mumblings] You take that back.

- I take nothing back.

You stink.

You stink and shine like a mackerel in the moonlight.

- Oh yeah?

Well here’s that fish I owe you.

[smack] - [all] Yada yada yada yada yada.

Yada yada.

- [quacks] Duck!

[bonk] - Yes, the Animal Clubbers open fire with ducks, geese, and chickens.

The Seed Spitters fought back this foul [fowl] attack.

They bent back a small tree and shot vegetables over the hill beating the Animal Clubbers.

- Two beets!

- A couple of beats later, they opened fire with lettuce, carrots, cucumbers and tomatoes.

This was the first tossed salad.

[bonk] - One, two, three— - What are we fighting for?

Let’s go get old Alf McDonald.

He keeps up with everything.

He knows who owes who.

- Yeah!

Old Alf McDonald, who has a farm, he knows who I owe.

♪ Old Alf McDonald has a farm.

♪ ♪ He knows who I owe.

♪ Yes, in spite of this tacky little song, old Alf kept up with everything.

- [clamoring] - Heeeeyyyy Alf!

This lousy Spitter says I owe him a chicken.

- Well a chick chick here and a chick chick there.

Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick chick.

- ♪ Old Alf McDonald owns a farm.

♪ ♪ He knows who I owe.

♪ - And you, Animal Clubber, you owe this Seed Spitter a fish from last Thursday.

- Say, how do you remember so well, old Alf?

- ‘Cause I ain’t near as dumb as the rest of you clods.

That’s how.

You owe me a duck and a half remembering fee, and I ain’t gonna forget it.

- Well poor old Alf remembered everything— - [gags, chokes] - Except which mushrooms were poisonous.

- [chokes] [wheezes] - Looks like the old boy bought the farm.

Now we’ll never know who owes who.

[somber song intro] ♪ Old McDonald bought the farm.

♪ ♪ Who knows who I owe?

♪ - Look!

On old Alf’s wall.

What are those little pictures.

- Why that must be the way he remembered everything.

And look.

There’s me, and there’s the fish I owe.

- Naw, naw, you got ‘em backwards.

That one’s you, fish face!

- Why there’s little chickens and ducks.

Why somebody must have thought of everything and drew pictures of it all, kindly like thought pictures.

- Who drew ‘em, you reckon?

- Why, it was Old Alf, I bet.

Wait.

Alf I Bet.

- Alphabet!

- I know!

We’ll call ‘em...

Thought Pictures.

- No, they still weren’t very bright.

Human Beans had discovered writing.

Now they could communicate with future generations!

- In the beginning, the field was fallow and the Lord Pod said, “Let there be Beans.” And there were Beans.

- To Bean, or not to Bean?

That is the question.

- Bean-a Ho!

I claim-a this land-a in the name-a of Bean-a Iss-a Bella.

- Of the Beans.

- By the Beans.

- And for the Beans.

- Electricity was discovered by Bean-jamin Franklin whose mommy told him to go fly a— - ♪ Mine eyes have bean the glory of the- ♪ - All Beans are created equal and are endowed by their Creator- - ♪ Where have you bean, Billy Boy, Billy Boy.

♪ - Go West, young Bean!

- ♪ I’ve bean away from you a long time.

♪ - We have established this League of Legumes.

♪ He was some beany weenie bugle bean of Company B.

♪ (imitates airplaneengines) - Beans away over Tokyo.

- ♪ When the Bean comes over the mountain.

♪ - How would you like to be Bean for a day?

[squeals in delight] - ♪ Why must I be a Bean-ager in love?

♪ - Ban the Bean.

Ban the Bean.

Ban the Bean.

Ban the Bean.

- ♪ Let it Bean, let it Bean, let it Bean.

♪ [laughter] - One small step for Bean, one giant leap for Bean-kind.

- Beam-kind to make one giant leap after another.

First, he invented tools.

(imitates sawing) Then he saw the light, (ding) and invented machines to do all of the hard work.

(chainsaw noises) - Tools were fine, but still took a lot of work.

And Beans were pressed for time.

But, with a little thought, they finally ironed out a solution.

(upbeat piano music) (imitates steam escaping) - When Beans weren't working at work, they worked in their own backyards.

Grass was a growing problem, but with a little Bean-genuity, he cut the problem down to size.

(imitates lawnmower engine) (hungrily growls) (laughter) - Beans kept picking away at the problems, but soon they hammered out a concrete solution.

(tapping feet) - Pretty soon, machines were doing most of the work, and Beans were getting fat and lazy.

So they invented new machines to help keep them in shape.

(laughter) (laughter) - Suddenly, Beans had all the time in the world and they had to think of all kinds of ways to waste it, so they called them hobbies some Human Beans developed an interest in putting their family and friends on film.

(cranking) - Okay kids, say it!

- Beans!

- Others were captured by the thrill of the open road.

The wind blowing in their hair.

The bugs bouncing off their faces.

Some were really carried away with these new hobbies.

(imitates engine) While for some it was simply a means to an end.

- For many, hobbies were merely something to just play around with, while others took their playing really seriously.

These were Beans who marched to a different drum.

(vocalizing) ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum.... ♪ (imitating a electronic organ) (playing/singing "When the Saints Go Marching In") (kids laughing) While many worked hard at entertainment, others preferred to sit back and be entertained.

- Heeeeeeere’s Beanie!

(cheers and squeals) - Good evening, ladies and Beans.

I just flew in from Bean-o, Nevada, and boy are my arms tired.

(rim shot) I had the pleasure of working with my dear friend Bean Martin out at the Copa Ca-beana.

But seriously folks.

- Then there were the highbrow Beans who appreciated the finer things in life.

- Ladies and gentlemen, world-famous contralto, Miss Bean-hilda van Camp will now sing that beloved aria from “I Eat-a Bean-a”.

(Light applause) - ♪ I eat-a bean-a.

♪ ♪ Eat more tof-ean-a.

♪ ♪ A greasy spoon-a.

♪ ♪ Beneath the moon-a.

♪ ♪ This rotten bean-a.

♪ ♪ It was unclean-a.

♪ ♪ It turned me green-a.

♪ ♪ And ruined my spleen-a.

♪ - ♪ She ate the bean-a.

♪ ♪ It was tofean-a.

♪ ♪ It wasn’t clean-a and ruined her spleen-a.

♪ - ♪ In the cantina was a machine-a.

♪ ♪ I got some gum-a.

♪ ♪ To settle my tum-a.

♪ ♪ The gum-a was bum-a.

♪ ♪ He fi-ii-i-i-i-i-i -i-i-i-ini ma!

♪ ♪ And then this bum-a.

♪ ♪ He bit my thumb-a.

♪ - ♪ In this cantina.

♪ ♪ In Portofino.

♪ ♪ This lousy bum-a.

♪ ♪ He bit-a her thumb-a.

♪ ♪ She ate a bean.

♪ ♪ She ate a bean.

♪ ♪ A rotten bean.

♪ ♪ A rotten bean.

♪ ♪ She ate a bean.

♪ ♪ A bean.

♪ ♪ A bean.

♪ ♪ Way down in Portofino.

♪ (beat changes to rock-and-roll) ♪ Rotten beans, do wah, in Portofino.

♪ ♪ Rotten beans, do wah— ♪ - Shut Up!

(Opera style returns) ♪ Just let me lie here.

♪ ♪ I'll probably die here.

♪ - ♪ She ate a bean-a.

♪ ♪ In Portofin-a.

♪ (applause) - While this kind of beans and ham was just the dish for some, others thought the diet too rich.

They preferred popcorn and the movies that go with it.

- And now from the people who brought you “Bean-Hur,” “The Pod-father,” and “Beach Bean Baby Goes Garbanzo,” comes “The Killer Beans."

Why did they stalk the night?

Where did they come from?

Could they be stopped?

What did they want?

What's the capital of North Dakota?

And why did they ask so many questions?

(laughter) - We are going to be attacked by beans, Bonnie.

- By beans, Benny?

- Big bad beans, Bonnie.

- What’s to be done, Benny?

- Get the bean bane, Bonnie.

- Where’s the bean bane, Benny?

- Don’t be a dumb bunny, Bonnie.

There's a big blue bottle of bean bane in the black box behind the brown bag in the big bin where it's been since Billy Bundy brought it back from Borneo, Baby.

- Wait a minute.

Did you just notice that last sentence?

- We’ve been bamboozled, Bonnie!

It's not the killer beans.

It's- it's- it's the killer “B?” (growling and snarling) - Bye-bye, Benny.

(applause) - Some Beans were bored by bad B movies.

They preferred to be bored in the privacy of their own homes, so they invented Bean-a-Vision.

(click) - Ooooooooooh.

- This has been a test.

Had it been an actual emergency-- (static) We are here on the 15th green of this Bean Crosby Open.

The Frivolous Frijole, Lee Tri-Bean-o himself is lining up to putt-- - Shut up that whispering!

I'm trying to putt.

(click) (static) - Brought to you by Third Motor Company who invites you to test drive the all new Pinto Bean.

- We'll be right back to Faye Bean and Annette Spoon-a-Jell-O in “Beach Bean Baby Goes Garbanzo” after these messages— (click) (static) (horse gallop) - “Bean-anza” starring Lorne Greene as Bean Cartwright, Michael Blandon as Little Schmo, and Dan Blockton and Mule.

- Pa, I just got back from Verbena City.

This telegram came for you.

- Did they find Adam?

- No, it's from your agent.

They want Little Schmo here to start writing and directing, and there's your check for those dog food commercials.

(click) Now you can stop worrying.

It's here.

The greatest little discovery ever.

Say goodbye to sloppy, drippy, grimy and other adjectives.

Turn it over, it's a buffer.

Turn it sideways, it's a mulcher.

Turn it upside down for fun.

Use it as a tea strainer.

Send no money.

Just rush $595.99 to Praytell, New York, New York.

New York 10019.

Please check red, blue, green, or natural oak.

(click) - By now, Beans had invented machines for practically every purpose.

He thought he had it made until one day, he woke up to find it had become Bean versus machine.

- Bit cloudy and cold today with a 20% chance of rain.

This is W-BEAN keeping all the hits coming at you.

Get on up with ♪ W-B-E-A-N. ♪ - ♪ Good morning.

♪ - 8 o'clock, time to get up.

Come on now.

Get up, stupid!

- ♪ Get up, Stu... ♪ ♪ Pid.... ♪ (crank) (“Happy Birthday” playing slowly) (discordant note) (discordant note) (laughter) (buzzing) (fast piano music) (singing) (spits) (coughing, sputtering) (coughing, sputtering) (engine noises) (squeaking) (laughter) (coughing) (fast piano music) (beeping) (busy signal) (fast piano music) (laughing loudly) (sucking noises) (buzzing) (spits) (buzzing continues) (fast piano music) (piano music ends) - Hi, old Bean.

You look like you could use a hand.

- You see, even with all the machines in the world, Beans still need other Beans to help them get along.

♪ If you take one Bean and you put it down.

♪ ♪ And you cover it up, and you water it round.

♪ ♪ Before you know, a new stalk will grow.

♪ ♪ Right out of that very same ground.

♪ - [All] ♪ Because we're wandering this spot together.

♪ ♪ In sunshine and stormy weather.

♪ ♪ That’s how it’s been forever and ever.

♪ ♪ And how it will stay.

♪ ♪ And if we reach our hand out to another.

♪ ♪ And treat them like a friend and brother.

♪ ♪ Just plant a seed and you'll discover.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ - ♪ And if every Bean on the stalk falls down.

♪ ♪ And are swallowed up by the fertile ground.

♪ ♪ Before you know, a hundred stalks will grow.

♪ ♪ And spread new Beans all around.

♪ - [All] ♪ Because we’re all on this stalk together.

♪ ♪ In sunshine and stormy weather.

♪ ♪ That’s how it’s been forever and ever.

♪ ♪ And how it will stay.

♪ ♪ And if we reach our hand out to another.

♪ ♪ And treat them like a friend and brother.

♪ ♪ Just plant a seed and you'll discover.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ - ♪ Well if every Bean in the field falls down.

♪ ♪ And they’re swallowed up by the fertile grou-ou-ou-ound.

♪ (laughter) - [All] ♪ Before you know, a million stalks will grow.

♪ ♪ And spread new Beans all around.

♪ ♪ Because we’re wandering this field together.

♪ ♪ In sunshine and stormy weather.

♪ ♪ That’s how it’s been forever and ever.

♪ ♪ And how it will stay.

♪ ♪ And if we reach our hand out to another.

♪ ♪ And treat them like a friend and brother.

♪ ♪ Just plant a seed and you'll discover.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ Oh yeah!

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ Because we’re all in this world together...... ♪ (applause) - Beans soon sprouted up all over the world, but they all grew up differently.

They developed strange tongues.

(assorted gibberish) Hold your tongues!

No no, no no no.

They all spoke differently.

(different gibberish) They all spoke foreign languages!

Do you understand?

(assorted foreign gibberish) Yooo hooo!

- [All] Who are you?

- As you can see, it's not always easy for Human Beans to communicate.

They are so different.

There's the Mexican Jumping Bean.

- Arriba!

♪ La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, ♪ ♪ enchilada, and a taco to go.

♪ Aaaaiii!

(Laughter) -The Butter Bean.

-♪ In them old butter bean fields back hooome.

♪ (Laughter) - The Jelly Bean.

- Say hey, Baby!

What’s happening?

Go on, check it out.

All right, all right, all right.

(laughter) - The Boston Baked Bean.

- My parents were kidney beans who arrived on the Mayflower.

If it were up to me, this play would be called (chuckles) Legumes.

(laughter) - And the Navy Bean who traveled all over the world.

- ♪ My beanie lies over the ocean.

♪ - Now, if you take any two of these Beans, they'll have trouble understanding each other.

(overlapping conversations) - Hey hey, what's happening man?

This party’s a drag.

What say we split?

Split?

Split what?

Firewood?

It's done turned too dark to work.

- No, let's ease on down the road and check out some chicks at a disco I know.

- No, I ain't feeding no chickens at this late hour.

(laughter) - I don't understand where you coming from, man.

- I’m coming from Lagrange with a load of fertilizer, if it's anything to you.

If old silly britches here don't back off, me and him’s going round in circles.

(overlapping conversations) - Well hello, lass.

- Oh hello, hi.

- I spied you from across the room, liked the cut of your jib, and thought I'd tack over and chew the fat.

- Hey, think what you like, Mr., but keep those remarks to yourself.

- Well blow me down!

I guess I'd better weigh anchor.

- You are doggone right I am anger, and what I weigh is my business.

(laughter) - So you see, there are just about as many opinions as there are Beans.

- ♪ Now what’s that Butter Bean trying to say?

♪ ♪ He's walking and talking in a crazy way.

♪ ♪ Must be something in the water in Tennessee.

♪ ♪ He sure talks some crazy jazz.

♪ ♪ Can't understand that razzmatazz.

♪ ♪ He may be a Bean, but he looks like a nut to me.

♪ - [All] ♪ Such a strange cacophony.

♪ ♪ What we need is simple harmony.

♪ - ♪ What's that Butter Bean trying to say?

♪ ♪ He's walking and talking in a crazy way.

♪ ♪ He may be a Bean, but he looks like a nut to me.

♪ - ♪ Well now doon't that Jellybean talk strange?

♪ ♪ He ain't nothing like folks back in Lagrange.

♪ ♪ He don't know a watermelon from a pea.

♪ (brays like a donkey) ♪ He don't mind a flea-bitten dog.

♪ ♪ Must be breathing too much smog.

♪ ♪ He may be a Bean, but he looks like a nut to me.

♪ - [All] ♪ Such a strange cacophony.

♪ ♪ Eeee.... ♪ ♪ Eeee.

♪ ♪ What we need is simple harmony.

♪ - ♪ This Navy Bean is really loco.

♪ ♪ He must've had an awful stroke-o.

♪ ♪ Or maybe he's cracked from riding along on the sea.

♪ ♪ What does he say about the younger burrito?

♪ ♪ He's got a brain just like a mosquito.

♪ ♪ He may be a Bean, but he sounds like a nut to me.

♪ - [All] ♪ Frijoles!

♪ - ♪ I don't understand this Mexican dame.

♪ ♪ I'd rather converse with a hurricane.

♪ ♪ Or sail with an albatross for company.

♪ ♪ If you ask me she's totally daft.

♪ ♪ Her muscle is fore while her senses are aft.

♪ ♪ She may be a Bean, but she sounds like a nut to me.

♪ - ♪ As one who was raised in old Cape Cod.

♪ ♪ I never dreamed of sharing a pod.

♪ ♪ With one so terribly classed as she.

♪ ♪ I have nothing against this pitiful Bean.

♪ ♪ Except that she's ever so horribly green.

♪ ♪ She may be a Bean, but she seems rather prickish to me.

♪ Aha!

- Who, me?

- ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me....... ♪ ♪ To me........ ♪ ♪ Seems like a nut to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me, to me.

♪ ♪ To me....... ♪ (applause) - Hey, hey, hey!

That lady's right, man.

That chick is definitely green.

- Hey wait a minute.

I've always been green.

It never seemed to matter before.

- Well, we never noticed before.

- Say, is your green going to wash away?

- No, I'm a Green Bean.

Is anything wrong with that?

- Well maybe it's a green scum.

- Aye, or perhaps seaweed makes her so.

- Yeah, or guacamole.

(laughs) - Do you suppose she's green because of a dread disease?

- Yeah, like gangrene.

- I don't have any disease.

I'm just green.

- Just green?

You think that would be enough.

- Well if you ask me, it's positively obscene.

(teasing) - [All] Green is obscene.

Green is obscene.

- What's the matter with you Beans?

- Hey, there's nothing the matter with us, Green-go!

(teasing) - [All] Yeah!

Green is obscene.

Green is obscene.

- Come on now.

Let's shove off before the you-know-what rubs off.

How many green beans does it take to change a light bulb?

(laughing) ♪ In a far away field where I once grew.

♪ ♪ All were getting what Green Beans do.

♪ ♪ Now I'm so lonely.

♪ ♪ ‘Cause I'm the only Bean who's blue.

♪ ♪ Green Bean blue.

♪ ♪ I'm telling you.

♪ ♪ I'm a Green Bean, but I'm blue.

♪ ♪ They won't befriend me.

♪ ♪ I'm green with envy.

♪ ♪ When I see Beans walking two by two.

♪ ♪ Though I may seem green.

♪ ♪ I'm just a blue Bean.

♪ ♪ Somewhere between being Green Bean blue.

♪ ♪ I'd rather be mocha even chartreuse.

♪ ♪ Or a delicate yellow.

♪ ♪ I'd settle for aqua or even puce.

♪ ♪ But let me tell you that low.

♪ ♪ Green Bean blue.

♪ ♪ A lonely hue.

♪ ♪ I'm a Green Bean, through and through.

♪ ♪ I'm so in despair for.

♪ ♪ I have no one to care for.

♪ ♪ Green Bean blue.

♪ ♪ Green Bean blue.

♪ ♪ Green Bean blue...... ♪ (applause) - We are at a site near Fort Bean-ing, Georgia where the Army has just been alerted a spaceship carrying an extraterrestrial Bean has been sighted and is now landing represented by this scale model.

-That's not a model.

It is a frisbee.

-Boy, how cheap can you get?

-Well, just use a little imagination.

Oh look!

Up in the sky!

-It’s a bird!

- It's a plane!

- It's a frisbee!

- Would you cut that out?

Human Beans are standing back in awe.

- Awwwwwww.

- A little more excitement, please.

- Awwwwwwww.

- Forget it!

Oh look!

It's the extraterrestrial Bean!

Have no fear, I come in peas.

- Excuse me, sir, but exactly what kind of a Bean are you?

- Me?

I'm a Snap Bean from the very cool planet of Dlareme.

Dlar-what?

Dlareme.

Dig it?

That's "Emerald" spelled backwards - (squeals) What's it like?

- I thought you'd never ask.

♪ On the planet Dlareme the whole world is a dream.

♪ ♪ It's an emerald planet where even the sun is green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Where the moon and stars are green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Green clouds above.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ It's a land forever green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme my love.

♪ - Sounds fun!

- Oh it is.

- Where is it?

- Dlareme, it's outta sight.

♪ Back in Dlareme, even the red lights are green.

♪ ♪ You don't have to stop when you don't need gasoline.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Where the moon and stars are green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Green clouds above.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ It's a land forever green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme, Dlareme my love.

♪ - What's the weather like?

- Just like everything else: very cool.

- Oh wow!

- And very green.

♪ When I get back to Dlareme, spring will be in the air.

♪ ♪ The green snow will melt ♪ ♪ Green roses will grow everywhere.

♪ - ♪ A-oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Where even the beans are green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ Green clouds above.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme.

♪ - ♪ It's a land forever green.

♪ - ♪ Dlareme my love....... ♪ ♪ Dlareme!

♪ (applause) - Now listen up, Earth Beans.

- Hey!

- I was sent here to ask for your help.

- Hey.

- Now it seems you've solved a lot of the problems that we have back home on Dlareme.

- Hey!

- What do we get?

What do we get?

- We've solved a lot of the problems that you guys have here.

- Hey hey!

- Take your energy crisis.

Please.

(rimshot) - Hey.

- Sorry, just a little intergalactic humor there.

- Very little.

- Say, you said you solved the energy problem.

- Why sure.

We can run our whole planet on peanuts.

- Hey wow!

What do you use for fuel?

- Peanuts.

- All right.

- I came all the way here on half a jar of peanut butter.

Well, it sticks to the roof of my spaceship.

- Awwww.

- Now all I need is for one of you Beans to come back with me and work out an agreement.

(shouting excitedly) Say!

Like, you dudes are not green.

- Green?!?

- Yeah.

You've got to be green to get along on Dlareme.

- Oh, well, we can accept that.

- For sure.

- No, I'm afraid you don't understand.

You see, the folks back home are going to have trouble accepting you.

- Us?

- Yeah, you see back on Dlareme, everyone thinks that green is keen and lime is sublime.

I guess I'm going to have to look for another planet.

Check you later.

- Awwww....... - Heeeeyyyyyy.

What about her?

- Me?

- She's green!

- Hit it!

♪ Why should I do anything for you turkeys?

♪ ♪ Why should I give you an even break?

♪ I ought to break your arm.

♪ You have made the Green Bean feels so blue, ♪ ♪ turkeys.

♪ ♪ Greeted me as though I were a snake.

♪ ♪ You’ve got your nose in the air.

♪ ♪ And a miserable stare.

♪ ♪ Up with which I will not put.

♪ ♪ You thought that I was so wrong.

♪ ♪ Until just a minute ago.

♪ ♪ Now the shoe is on the other foot.

♪ ♪ Why should I help out a bunch of real turkeys?

♪ ♪ Just because you think that I'm unique.

♪ ♪ Now you've got a taste of how it feels turkeys.

♪ ♪ Now let me see you turn the other cheek.

♪ ♪ You thought that I was obscene.

♪ ♪ Just because I was green.

♪ ♪ You treated me like something vile.

♪ ♪ Now it's a pleasure to see.

♪ ♪ You come crawling to me.

♪ ♪ Now that green is back in style.

♪ ♪ Eat your heart out.

♪ ♪ Why should I do anything for you turkeys?

♪ ♪ When you've been as ugly as can be?

♪ ♪ Why should I do anything for you turkeys?

♪ ♪ When you've been so mean to me?

♪ And another thing— - [All] Please?

- You just said the magic word.

(cheering) - Come on, my mean green fiend.

Let us take it to Dlareme.

- Hurry back.

Take care of her.

- Wait.

Don't you think we'd better reprise the song?

- I can dig it.

- Stop the music.

Stop the music.

- (continues singing) (Laughter) - Come on guys.

Use your Beans.

- Ah!

- ♪ If every Bean on this great big stalk.

♪ ♪ Would just sit down for a little talk.

♪ ♪ we soon would see a world of harmony.

♪ ♪ And peace for Beans everywhere.

♪ - [All] ♪ Wandering this world together.

♪ ♪ In sunny skies and stormy weather.

♪ ♪ That’s how it’s been forever and ever.

♪ ♪ And how it will stay.

♪ ♪ And if we reach our hand out to another.

♪ ♪ And treat them like a friend and brother.

♪ ♪ Just plant a seed and you'll discover.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ You can grow a new day.

♪ ♪ Because we're all Human Beans together.

♪ (applause) (applause continues)