CHALK SCREECHING MAN: You're not serious?

You can't be.

It was a joke, that's all.

I was joking.

SWORDS CLASH REFEREE SPEAKS IN GERMAN We are English, for God's sake!

My God!

REFEREE SPEAKS IN GERMAN Ready?

REFEREE SPEAKS IN GERMAN HE GROANS MUSIC: 'Rigoletto' by Giuseppe Verdi APPLAUSE INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS I never knew you were so keen on opera, Poirot.

Generally, mon ami, I am not, but Rigoletto... A father who is jealous.

His daughter is dishonoured so he plans the murder parfait.

But he has failed to understand the psychology.

The result, catastrophe.

That is what interests me.

Well, it does have a couple of good tunes, I suppose.

WOMAN: Monsieur Poirot!

Monsieur Poirot, I hope you'll forgive me intruding like this, but when I saw you, I couldn't believe it.

It is Lady Chatterton, is it not?

You remember me!

Oh, but then, of course you would.

I was there when you solved the Chalfont Diamonds case.

I was one of the suspects.

It was so thrilling.

And I have to say, Monsieur Poirot, you were magnificent.

Yes.

LADY CHATTERTON: I've never forgotten seeing you at work.

That's what made me wonder... There is something troubling you, Lady Chatterton?

Yes, there is.

Not me, you understand, my friend Mrs Clayton.

I'm sure she's in danger, Monsieur Poirot.

Is that Mr Clayton with her?

Oh, no, no, just a friend.

That's Major Rich.

Could you call on me tomorrow?

I'm sure you're a busy man, but... Lady Chatterton, I will call on you at eleven o'clock in the morning.

Thank you, Monsieur Poirot.

Marguerite Clayton is one of my dearest friends.

As you saw, she's a very beautiful woman.

Notoriously so.

It is said that ten years ago, two of her admirers actually fought a duel over her.

HASTINGS: In England?

Yes.

Nobody understood why she chose Edward Clayton.

She could have married anybody.

LADY CHATTERTON: He has a violent temper, Monsieur Poirot.

Marguerite lives in constant fear of him.

And recently his behaviour has become very strange.

So quiet, so... detached.

As if he were planning something.

Monsieur Poirot, I think Edward Clayton is going to murder his wife.

EDWARD CLEARS THROAT Yes, sir?

Good morning.

I wonder if you could help me.

There's something I'm looking for, but I don't quite know how to describe it.

It's a type of knife.

MUSIC: 'Traumerei' by Schumann FRONT DOOR OPENS Edward?

You're early.

Yes.

I won't be able to come to Major Rich's this evening, Marguerite.

Why can't you come tonight?

I have to go to Edinburgh.

There have been some complications in the Gordon case.

MARGUERITE: Can't your clerk sort it out?

No, it needs my personal attention.

But I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves without me.

Would you prefer it if I didn't go?

No, I'd prefer it if you went.

I don't see why you should sit in by yourself.

Have you told Major Rich?

No, I'll look in this afternoon.

I'm at the club until four, but I can call in on my way to the station.

Well, if that's what you want, Edward.

Yes, that's what I want.

Have a lovely time.

CURTISS: Well, it's none of my business what you do.

You've told her you're going to Scotland?

I just don't know if I can go through with this, Curtiss.

You want to know, don't you?

Do I?

These last six months, you've looked as if you're wasting away.

EDWARD: I know.

I keep stepping back and saying, "This is madness."

Well?

I will do it.

I'll do it!

MAN: That's four an' nine, guv.

Thank you.

EDWARD: Good afternoon, Burgoyne.

Good afternoon, sir.

Is Major Rich in?

I'm sorry, sir, Major Rich has been out since early this morning.

EDWARD: Did he say what time he'd be back?

No, sir.

I don't think he'll be long though.

All right, I'll wait.

If he doesn't come back in a few minutes, I'll leave a note for him.

Certainly, sir.

May I fetch you a pen?

No, it's all right.

I have one.

Thank you.

You can just get on with your duties, Burgoyne.

I'll leave a note for him in the sitting room.

Very good, sir.

DOOR CLOSES I'd like a word with you, Major Rich.

Mrs Clayton... ..is a very old and dear friend of mine, Major.

There's been a lot of talk about you and her.

Too much talk, Rich.

RICH: Now, look, Curtiss, I don't know what any of this has to do with you.

As much or as little as I choose.

Mrs Clayton finds your attentions offensive, sir.

Now, just you listen to me... No, no, no, your attentions are unwelcome, Major.

Just get that into your head, will you?

If they continue, I should be obliged to put an end to 'em myself.

You understand?

DOOR OPENS - Good afternoon, sir.

- Hello, Burgoyne.

I believe Mr Clayton is waiting for you in the sitting room, sir.

- Clayton?

BURGOYNE: Yes.

Hmm.

No, there's no-one here.

Said he would wait for a few minutes and then leave a note.

But I didn't hear him go, sir.

How much longer is Miss Lemon on holiday?

I can't make head or tail of her filing system.

She's in Frinton for one more week, mon ami.

What is it that you looking for?

I thought we might have something on this Edward Clayton.

You're looking very smart.

- Thank you, mon ami.

I am going to a party with Lady Chatterton.

I am going to meet the sinister Edward Clayton.

I suppose you think he'll take one look at you and change his mind about murdering his wife?

All things are possible.

HASTINGS: Come on, Poirot, admit it.

You're only going so you can be fussed over by Lady Chatterton.

You took this case on simply because of the way she buttered you up.

You think it is wrong, Hastings, to enjoy the compliments or the buttering, as you say?

No, but do you have to show it quite so much?

It's not English.

Perhaps it is Belgian.

Hastings, why should I be the hypocrite, to blush when I am praised and to say, like you, "It is nothing"?

I have the order, the method and the psychology.

There, I admit it, I am the best.

I am Hercule Poirot.

And now, I think it is time for me to go.

A perfect gentleman must not keep waiting a lady.

SONG: 'My Sweetie Went Away' There is Madame Clayton.

Yes.

I can't see her husband, though.

She is speaking with her friend Major Rich, yes?

Caroline.

So glad you could come.

John.

This is Hercule Poirot, a friend of mine.

Major Rich.

Hercule Poirot... I know that name.

You're the writer.

No.

Where's Edward?

He, er... couldn't make it, I'm afraid.

Are you over here on holiday, Mr Poirot?

Non, I live here.

Well, have a drink.

It's all very informal.

Thank you.

- Lady Chatterton.

- Thank you, Monsieur.

Merci.

I'm so sorry, Monsieur Poirot.

Edward Clayton's not here.

Eh bien, I can relax and enjoy myself.

Indeed.

I didn't expect to see you here, Curtiss.

So, do you wish to withdraw the invitation?

RICH: No.

Mary used to love dancing.

John lost his wife a few months ago.

My condolences, Major Rich.

Edward hates this modern music.

It's just as well he's not here.

POIROT: Your husband is unwell, Madame?

No.

He has business in Scotland.

Ah.

And does he abandon you very often, your husband?

I can assure you that normally Mr Clayton keeps a firm grip on Mrs Clayton.

LADY CHATTERTON: A stranglehold, you mean.

FOXTROT MUSIC PLAYING MUSIC STOPS Put on something with a bit of a fizz.

- These Foolish Things?

- No!

- Nobody's Sweetheart.

- Yes, that'll do.

SONG: 'Nobody's Sweetheart' Music for second-rate people provided by the inferior races, what?

That is not a very pleasant thing to say, Monsieur.

You're not dancing, Monsieur Poirot.

Non, non, non, Lady Chatterton.

This music is for the young people, with the limbs that are supple.

I'm sure you're a wonderful dancer.

Non, non, non, non.

Truly.

But tell me, madame, who is that unpleasant man over there with a walking stick?

LADY CHATTERTON: Unpleasant?

Colonel Curtiss?

He's an old friend of Marguerite's.

Why do you say "unpleasant"?

Now, come along, Monsieur Poirot, I insist.

Charleston!

♪ You're nobody's Sweetheart now ♪ ♪ They don't baby you, somehow ♪ ♪ Fancy hose, silken gown ♪ SOFT DRIPPING POIROT: This I cannot drink.

There must be no more than three spoons of sugar in my tisane.

That is the way Miss Lemon prepares it.

I put three spoons in.

Then Miss Lemon must use a spoon that is smaller!

BUZZER SOUNDS I'll get it.

- Chief Inspector.

- Hastings.

Morning, Poirot.

Ah, Chief Inspector Japp, bonjour.

You are on a matter of importance, yes?

For you are up with the bird.

Lark.

Cup of tea, Chief Inspector?

No, thank you.

Please be seated, Chief Inspector.

JAPP CLEARS THROAT You have come for my help, I think.

Well, yes, you could say that.

Thing is, you see, I've come to interview you.

Interview?

As a witness.

Witness to what?

You were at the Belgravia home of Major John Rich last night?

Yes.

This morning I arrested Major Rich for the murder of Edward Clayton.

Mon Dieu!

You are saying that I'm a witness?

Did you, by any chance, remark on an elaborate wooden chest in the room where you were?

A Spanish chest, I believe it's called.

I don't think... The manservant Burgoyne discovered the body inside this chest when he was cleaning the room.

Clayton's blood had seeped into the carpet.

He'd been stabbed through the eye, straight into the brain.

You're telling me that the body was there while... While the rest of you listened to music and drank cocktails and danced, or whatever it is you got up to, yes.

It's pretty macabre, isn't it?

It's revolting.

POIROT: Chief Inspector, you are convinced that the killer is Major Rich?

Rich was in love with Marguerite Clayton.

That was the motive.

And he had the opportunity.

Clayton called round to see him a few hours before the first guests arrived.

You think that Major Rich he came home, he killed Edward Clayton, put the body in the chest, and then later he entertained his guests in the same room?

That's about the size of it.

Non.

Non, Chief Inspector, and again I say... non.

It is not possible that Major Rich killed Edward Clayton.

I swear to heaven, Mr Poirot, I never saw him.

Have you any idea why Edward Clayton should have wished to see you?

RICH: None at all.

According to Marguerite... Mrs Clayton... he was on his way to Scotland.

Had you ever discussed Madame Clayton with her husband?

Why should I do that, Mr Poirot?

Forgive me, Major Rich, but... ..how long ago is it since your wife died?

I know what you're insinuating, Mr Poirot.

But there was never anything improper between us.

Non.

Very good, sir.

Colonel Curtiss will see you now, sir.

Smithy.

- Sir.

Take these gentlemen through to the Strangers' Room.

Yes, sir.

It's, er, this way, gentlemen.

Thank you.

That's the, er, gymnasium through there.

There is a gymnasium here?

Oh, yes.

Er... There's weights, fencing, parallel bars.

It's very popular with the members.

Erm, so you're thinking of joining, then?

- No.

- Oh, right.

Erm, we go this way.

And, er... there's no talking.

HE CLEARS THROAT Excuse me, Colonel Curtiss, your guests.

CURTISS: Mm, thank you, Smithy.

- Colonel Curtiss.

- How do you do?

I'd like to introduce my associate Captain Hastings.

- How do you do?

- Please, sit down.

Thank you.

I'm sure you don't need to tell me why you're here, Mr Poirot.

It's a dreadful business.

Dreadful.

You have heard?

Yes.

Your chappie at Scotland Yard.

He seemed to find it amusing that YOU were there last night.

And you?

I think it's a godsend.

I mean, you're a detective.

I am THE detective, Colonel Curtiss.

Then I don't need to tell you that Major Rich, in my opinion, could never... May I ask you, Colonel Curtiss, how did you come to know Edward Clayton?

I knew Mrs Clayton before they married.

Was Mr Clayton a friend of yours?

Of course.

He was Marguerite's husband.

I understand that Edward Clayton came to visit you here at the club yesterday.

That's right.

What passed between you?

Oh, not much.

Had a drink together.

Told me he was going to Scotland, but that he'd look in at Rich's on his way to the station.

Did he say why?

No.

To apologise for missing the party, I imagine.

Had he ever hinted at any impropriety between Major Rich and Marguerite Clayton?

Certainly not.

My apologies, Colonel Curtiss.

I try only to establish the facts.

Well, he wasn't much help, was he?

Did you remark upon his scar, Hastings?

Yes.

You probably need one to be a member here.

Marguerite, you shouldn't have come.

I had to see you.

I don't know what to do, John.

There's nothing you CAN do.

Can't you leave us alone, officer?

If the police question me... - Margo... I didn't kill him.

There's a private detective, too, asking questions.

Just tell them the truth.

How can I?

I know it seems hard, Margo, but if you just tell the truth... Sorry, I can't stay here.

I'm sorry, John.

- Marguerite... I shouldn't have come here.

BURGOYNE: I left Mr Clayton here, outside the sitting-room door.

That must have been just after six o'clock.

I went to press Major Rich's evening suit.

But Mr Clayton didn't leave, you say?

I think I would have heard him if he'd gone.

Bien.

Tell me, Monsieur Burgoyne, when your master returned, did you actually see him enter at the door?

BURGOYNE: I heard the door close, sir.

But you did not see him enter?

No, sir.

Thank you.

If you please, we will now go inside.

You think Major Rich was waiting for Clayton?

It is possible, Hastings.

He kills Edward Clayton, he puts the body inside the chest, he comes out, he shuts the door to establish that he has just arrived... Let us look at the Spanish chest.

Alors!

It is not the same.

Ah, the carpet has been taken up, sir.

You see, Hastings, this chest, it is clearly visible from the door, yes?

But... Yes.

The screen conceals most of it from the rest of the room.

If you please, Hastings... What do you make of this, Hastings?

Woodworm?

Come, Hastings, there is nothing more for us here.

Well, Major Rich certainly had the opportunity to kill Clayton, and as for motive, well... HASTINGS CHUCKLES Go on, mon ami.

Well, Mrs Clayton.

Doesn't look too good for him, does it?

You think not, Hastings?

I wonder what the beautiful Madame Clayton has to say about all this.

Romaine Gardens, if you please.

WATER RUNNING WATER RUNNING GLASS SHATTERS KNOCKING AT DOOR Oh, quick, gentlemen, please help me.

Something terrible has happened!

She's locked herself in there, sir.

I can't get no answer when I knock.

Quick, mademoiselle, telephone for the doctor.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN I've washed out her stomach.

She ought to rest.

We shall take one or two minutes only, Doctor.

You do understand the urgency of the situation?

Yes.

No more than five minutes, though.

POIROT SPEAKS IN FRENCH MARGUERITE: It was my fault!

It was all my fault.

SHE SNIFFLES Major Rich and I... ..we'd always been friends.

But that was all.

Until his wife died.

Oh... ..it was all my fault, Mr Poirot!

What did you do?

I prayed for my husband's death.

I wanted Edward to die.

Major Rich knew my feelings.

We talked about it, but only... ..he must have misunderstood me.

He must have thought I was asking him to kill my husband.

That's why he did it.

Oh, God!

SHE SNIFFLES Oh, God!

SHE SOBS This is difficult, Hastings.

Very difficult.

The tarte aux fraises, s'il vous plait.

HASTINGS: Just a cup of coffee for me, please.

Merci.

To commit a crime, yes.

But then to invite 20 people into the same room?

Major Rich has stabbed Edward Clayton.

He has put the body into the Spanish chest minutes before a party is due to start.

Thank you.

But what about the valet, Hastings?

What of him?

He would be certain to discover the body in the morning.

Now, Major Rich would've known that.

So why did not the Major... ..dispose of the body during the night?

Hastings... I must return to the Scotland Yard and the Chief Inspector Japp.

- Oh, I'll come with you.

- Non, non, non, non.

You will take yourself to the military club.

There is there, I think, a gymnasium.

What's a gymnasium got to do with it?

That is precisely what you will find out for me.

JAPP: Detecting's not what it was, you know.

KEY CLACKS They expect you to be a bloomin' secretary.

How do you make this thing go backwards?

How do you mean?

I wanna go back and type over something.

There must be some sort of reverse gear... Isn't that one, is it?

CARRIAGE RETURN PINGS KNOCKING AT DOOR See who that is.

POIROT: Bonjour, Sergeant.

- Mr Poirot, sir.

Ah, come in, Poirot.

All right, Rouse.

DOOR CLOSES Take a seat.

I'll be with you in a... Oh, damn and blast it!

All this paperwork.

Are you any good with one of these?

Non, and my own Miss Lemon is, alas... - Not ill, is she?

POIROT: Worse.

She is at Frinton.

Chief Inspector, I need to see the contents of the pockets of Edward Clayton at the time that he was taken from the chest.

It was very popular with the members of gymnasium.

And that's where it happened?

MAN: That's what I was told.

Before my time, though.

But there was a duel?

Yeah, six o'clock in the morning.

I don't know who they were, so you needn't bother to ask.

Why did they fight?

Why do you think?

It was over some woman, wasn't it?

- Marguerite Clayton.

- I don't know who it was.

Now, about my ten bob... - Oh.

Now, these two men... Was one of them having an affair with Marguerite Clayton?

That was the barmy thing about it.

It was all just a joke.

One of the officers made a joke about the lady, so the other one called him out.

That's all it was, a joke.

Huh!

Wasn't any sort of joke, though.

Go and get yourself sliced up like salami.

Yes, we wondered about that.

But I expected it.

Voila.

TELEPHONE RINGS Yes?

It's for you.

Hastings.

Hello?

Yes, Hastings.

Good.

But he did not tell you the people involved?

Excellent, Hastings.

Excellent.

Well?

Chief Inspector Japp, I must ask you to trust me as you've never trusted me before.

Here we go.

Yes, but we have never before faced the crime that is perfect, committed with such coldness.

It is remarkable.

Unique.

I don't know why I bother sometimes.

I may as well stay at home and do my garden.

Who do you want me to arrest now?

REPORTERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY Monsieur, how long have you been involved in the case?

Did you arrange to have Mrs Clayton arrested?

I have nothing to say.

KEY TURNS IN LOCK All right, Rich.

Pack your kit.

You're going out.

HE SIGHS TELEPHONE RINGS RINGING CONTINUES Hello?

MAN: You've got it wrong, Mr Poirot.

'I know who killed Edward Clayton.'

You know who?

Meet me at the Military Club.

In the gymnasium.

Who is this, please?

I'll show you.

Hello?

CLOCK TICKS DOOR CREAKS OPEN POIROT: Colonel Curtiss.

You got it wrong, you bloody little frog!

You've arrested Marguerite Clayton.

You degraded her!

Soiled her!

But she had nothing to do with it.

Two things, Colonel Curtiss.

Firstly, I am not a "bloody little frog".

I am a bloody little Belgian!

Secondly, I know quite well that Marguerite Clayton is innocent.

Go on.

Edward Clayton believed his wife to be unfaithful.

There was talk, but he was not certain.

So he came to you, his friend.

And you suggested a scheme fantastique.

CURTISS: Will you listen to me?

Will you do as I say?

I just don't know if I can go through with it, Curtiss.

POIROT: 'Monsieur Clayton was obsessed with the possibility 'that his wife had been unfaithful, 'and so you fuelled his jealousy for your own ends.'

First you tell him he must play the old, old trick of pretending to go away.

A business trip to Scotland will do very nicely.

'Then he gains admission to the house of Major Rich 'under the pretext of leaving a note.

'Then, following your scheme, 'Edward Clayton conceals himself inside the Spanish chest.

'Now he can hear for himself what takes place.'

Perhaps he will hear Major Rich make love to his wife, but at least the torment will be over.

He will know.

'But there is one further consideration.

'To breathe inside the box, he needs the air.

'And so, with the instrument he has brought, 'he makes a hole through which he can not only breathe, 'but, most important of all... '..through which he can observe.'

But the poor, deluded Clayton.

He did not know that you also were in love with Marguerite, that you had always loved her, fought even a duel for her!

REFEREE SPEAKS IN GERMAN Ready?

MAN : We are English, for God's sake!

CURTISS: Who told you that?

MAN: 'I was joking.'

Your scar.

MAN YELLS Your first scheme had been merely to get rid of Edward Clayton, but even with her husband out of the way, you began to fear that she might eventually turn to a younger man... Major Rich.

This last scheme of yours would encompass them both.

FOXTROT MUSIC PLAYING With one stroke, Edward Clayton is dead... ..and Major Rich will hang for the murder.

CURTISS: Mm.

Nobody knows I'm here.

When the police find you tomorrow, they'll know they were wrong to release Rich.

You still wish to fight for Marguerite Clayton... ..after all these years?

But not with me, I think.

DOOR OPENS Will you fight for her, Colonel?

Damn you!

REFEREE SPEAKS IN GERMAN Ah!

SWORD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR I'm forever in your debt, Mr Poirot.

Eh bien, madame.

It was nothing.

My husband was not a likeable man, but... ..to be murdered in cold blood... I don't see why you had Mrs Clayton arrested.

Major Rich, it was necessary to smoke out the Colonel Curtiss.

You understand?

And to make a public spectacle of... Madame Clayton.

It was the only way.

You were wonderful.

Oh.

As they say, madame, it was nothing.

I was... ..lucky.

That is all.

We'll always be grateful to you, Mr Poirot.

Thank you very much.

- Always.

- Madame.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

"Nothing".

"Lucky".

I am learning, Hastings.

It is more English, yes, the humbleness?

Well, I am learning.

I shall be the most humble person in the world.

No-one shall match Hercule Poirot for his humbility.

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