[music] [audience claps] [piano music] Good evening and welcome to this festive edition of Play of the Week.

I'm Chris Bean, the director.

[audience laughs] The BBC has recently refused to fund any more episodes of Play of the Week.

but thanks to some additional sponsorship we are gladly able to continue with tonight's production of The Nativity.

I should also inform you that a fire alarm test was scheduled to happen in our studio tonight.

I did email the BBC to try to have it moved, but they said they would rather disturb our broadcast than one of their empty studios.

[audience laughs] I called their bluff and after a frank exchange we will now be having two fire alarm tests tonight.

[audience laughs] So, the actors are prepared.

The stage is set.

Please enjoy The Nativity, sponsored by Brookshaw Corporate Finance.

[audience laughs] [triumphant music] [audience claps] Our story begins with Mary, a young woman from the town of Nazareth... [audience laughs] ...and her husband Joseph, a humble carpenter.

[audience laughs] Oh!

[audience laughs] Oh, Joseph... [celestial choir] Behold I'm the archangel Gabriel.

Witness the light of God.

Kneel before the messenger of the Lor--!

[Chris] Not yet!

[audience laughs] Oh, Joseph.

Nothing interesting ever happens in Nazareth.

But did you hear word of the census?

Mary, we must travel to Bethlehem to be counted by the Romans.

We shall have to buy a donkey to make that journey.

But we have not the money.

I have not sold so much as a crude stool in two months.

Fear not my love, you are a master carpenter.

Finished.

[audience laughs] Money will come if we have faith.

Faith is all we have.

[audience laughs] We must put our trust in God.

Or perhaps we should consider a small business loan allowing us to expand our range of products.

Would the interest not cripple us?

Not at the 3.4% variable APR offered exclusively by Brookshaw Corporate Finance.

Now that's a miracle.

[audience laughs] [celestial choir] Behold!

Ah!

[audience laughs] Hello.

I am the archangel Gabriel.

Kneel before the messenger of the Lord.

But do not be afraid!

Ah!

[audience laughs] For I bring great news.

You will conceive a child.

A child?

[sings angelically] ♪ For unto us a child is bo-- [Chris] That's cut, Dennis.

[audience laughs] But I can't have a child.

I'm a virgin.

[audience laughs] I have been sent to tell you, you have been impregnated remotely.

Sorry, that came out very sinister.

It's a good thing.

The babe is a gift from the Lord, and I have been sent to tell you from on high, I've been sent to tell you from on high... [audience laughs] I've been sent to tell you from here that this child shall be the son of God.

But why would the good Lord choose me to bear his child?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

[audience laughs] The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

You are now with a child.

Wow.

[celestial choir] Heed my words for I am a prophet of the Lord.

And everyone likes profits.

♪ Brookshaw Corporate Finance ♪ Even Jesus loves cash!

Urgh.

Carry on, we need the money.

And with that, the Angel spread his arms wide and with great majesty ascended into heaven.

[celestial choir] [audience laughs] -Uh... Joyous day!

-How blessed we are!

But we must hasten if we are to travel to Bethlehem before the holy child is born.

Ay, Mary, I shall purchase a donkey to make the journey.

Oh, piss.

[audience laughs] These are also a gift from the Lord.

[Robert screams] [audience laughs] Mary and Joseph purchased a donkey, loaded their few belongings onto its back, and set off into the desert.

[triumphant music] [audience claps] Annie, keep up.

[Annie] Alright!

It's just...it's not easy.

[audience laughs] Mary, let me help you take the weight off your feet.

No.

No.

No.

No!

[audience laughs] Er, we'll walk.

Farewell, good town of Nazareth.

[piano music] ♪ Little donkey ♪ Little donkey ♪ On the dusty road ♪ Got to keep on plodding onwards ♪ ♪ With your precious load ♪ Been a long time, little donkey ♪ ♪ Through the winter's night ♪ Don't give up now, little donkey ♪ ♪ Bethlehem's in sight ♪ Ring out those bells tonight ♪ Bethlehem, Bethlehem ♪ Follow that star tonight ♪ Bethlehem, Bethlehem ♪ Follow that star tonight ♪ Bethlehem, Bethlehem Ouch!

Ouch!

♪ Little donkey, little donkey, had a heavy day ♪ ♪ Little donkey, carry Mary safely on her way ♪ Look, Joseph!

Bethlehem!

You're sagging.

Next time I'm being the head and you're being the arse.

[audience laughs] Meanwhile in a field far outside Bethlehem, three shepherds watched their flocks by night.

[music] Ay, Barshabba.

Tis a mild winter's eve for-- [fire alarm] [Chris] There it is.

There it is.

There's the fire alarm.

Everyone just stay calm.

Stay in your seats.

-Fire!

There's a fire!

Fire!

-No, it's the drill.

-It's a drill.

-Okay, okay, okay.

Everyone just stay calm, it won't be a moment.

[Trevor] Studio patrons, it has become necessary to evacuate the venue -- No, no, no.

It's just a drill.

Please, leave all personal belongings and make -- -We don't need to evacuate!

-I can't hear you Chris.

-No!

-Studio patrons, please.

Go backstage!

Alright?

You've changed!

Why have you changed!?

It's a fire.

If there's a fire you're not supposed to get changed, -you're supposed to get out.

-Yep, everyone out.

-No, no, no, no!

-Keep moving.

Stand up, please.

[Chris screams] Chris, not again!

Not again.

I repeat.

There is a fire!

There is a fire!

There's no fire, you...!

[alarm stops] ...moron!

[audience laughs] Merry Christmas.

Let's continue.

-Here.

-Get off.

Suddenly in the sky above them, the shepherds saw the most majestic sight.

[Robert gasps] Behold the light of God!

Underwhelming.

Make a note, I need more fireworks for the final scene.

I bring good tidings of great joy!

Halo.

Halo.

-Hello.

-No.

Halo.

[Vanessa/Annie/Dennis] Hello.

No.

Halo.

Over there!

[Vanessa/Annie/Dennis] Hello.

No!

On the floor.

[Vanessa/Annie/Dennis] Hello!

No.

Halo!

Halo!

[Dennis] Is it me you're looking for?

No!

The round, sparkly hat!

Alright?

Give me my round sparkly hat!

Not my personal one!

-The halo.

-[Dennis] Ah.

Higher!

[Vanessa/Annie/Dennis] Hiya!

No, higher.

[Vanessa/Annie/Dennis] [in higher pitched voices] Hiya!

No, forget the halo.

Be not afraid... Jesus!

No, he isn't born yet, although that brings me neatly onto my next point.

Jesus will be born and he shall be the King... [screaming] of Kings!

[audience laughs] You shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling shawls in a manger.

To find him you must follow this star.

[celestial choir] I am a messenger from... [screaming] from the Lord!

[screams] Glory to God in the highest!

And so the shepherds set off into the night, following the guiding star.

Just go off.

Just go off.

Meanwhile in Herod's Palace in Jerusalem -- [music] No.

No no.

No, no, no.

Stop.

Stop.

Ah!.

[screams] King Herod had woken from a troubled sleep.

[Robert] Ah!

[audience laughs] All hail, King Herod!

[crowd] Hail!

[trumpets] I slept fitfully, my dreams... [audience laughs] [trumpets] I slept fitfully, my dreams were full of dark portents... and grim tidings.

What saw you in these dreams, sire?

Well, I saw a babe of great majesty.

Yet it was wrapped in swaddling shawls.

Ah!

Most troubling, sire.

It seems an evil omen looms high indeed.

But I saw wise men drawing near.

I know they are close.

When sayest you these wise men come?

Imminently!

By your word, King, here come three wise men!

[Annie] No no no, we're not ready.

[Vanesa] We haven't got our trousers!

[Annie] No.

No no no no no.

[audience laughs] [music] [screams] We've come to ask Herod for help to find the child.

-I am -- -I am Melchior.

Wise Man Number One.

I am Caspar, also Wise Man Number One.

And I am a shepherd.

You're a wise man.

-Chris said I was an idiot.

-You're both.

I am an idiot who is also wise and a shepherd.

[audience laughs] You must approach King Herod.

It is just like my dreaded dream suggests!

Good wise men!

I charge thee find this child and upon his discovery give me word!

[screams] [audience laughs] Continue.

Our generous King shall furnish thee with gifts for the child.

Gold.

Oh.

Frankincense.

Mmm.

And myrrh.

Ah.

[audience laughs] -That's also for smelling.

-Thank you, generous king.

[trumpets] I charge thee to deceive them with your guile.

I shall unto my chambers and rest awhile.

[audience laughs] On their return... On their return I'll be his saboteur.

Arriving to be counted in the census, Mary and Joseph made their way through the streets... Er, Ma-Mary and Joseph made their -- -[Trevor] Ah!

-Mary... Mary and Joseph made their way through the streets, along with their trusty donkey.

Who had one head and one arse.

They needed a place to stay, in the little town of Bethlehem.

[playing O Little Town of Bethlehem] ♪ O little town of Bethlehem ♪ How still we see thee lie ♪ Above thy deep and dreamless sleep ♪ ♪ The silent stars go by [Trevor] Ah!

♪ And in thy dark streets shineth ♪ ♪ The everlasting light [playing Funeral March] ♪ The hopes and fears of all the years ♪ ♪ Are met in thee tonight [playing Camp Town Races] ♪ For Christ is born of Mary ♪ And gathered all above ♪ While mortals sleep, the angels keep... ♪ [playing Auld Lang Syne] ♪ Their watch of wondering love ♪ ♪ O morning stars, together ♪ Proclaim the holy birth... [playing Can-can] ♪ And praises sing to God the King ♪ ♪ And Peace to men on earth ♪ No ear may hear His coming ♪ But in this world of sin ♪ Where meek souls will receive him, still ♪ [playing O Little Town of Bethlehem] ♪ The dear Christ enters in [audience laughs] [audience claps] Mary and Joseph went from door to door, looking for a room.

Hello.

I'm a stupid shepherd.

Here's your myrrh.

May God be with you my friend.

Please, I'm with child, have you room at your inn?

Yes.

[audience laughs] Yes?

Yes.

Okay.

-[Chris] No!

No!

No!

-Yes!

No.

There's no room here.

There's room at the third one.

Fear not, my beloved Mary.

I am sure we will find somewhere to rest.

The good Lord watches over us.

Hello.

I am a wise man, here is your myrrh.

Okay, okay... "You're an innkeeper now.

Switch on!"

Have you any room?

Yes.

No, there's no room here.

"Innkeeper slams door in their faces."

[audience laughs] Oh, Mary!

We have searched high and low and there is only one inn left.

Let's hope this innkeeper has room.

Ah!

Hello.

Who are you?

That's... John the Baptist.

Hello.

I'm... -I'm... -Jesus Christ.

I'm Jesus Christ.

The saviour is born!

[Robert/Jonathan/Dennis] ♪ For unto us a child is born!

♪ -No!

That's cut.

-Right, sorry.

Carry on.

Yes.

There's no room at the pub.

-Inn!

-Okay.

-No, out!

-There's no room at the out.

-Inn!

-Alright.

-No!

Get out!

-Get out!

Get out!

-Not that!

-Not that!

-There is no room at the inn.

-Oh, yes, yes!

There's no room at the inn.

All we have is an old, lowly manager.

-Manger!

There's no manager.

-There's no manager?

It's Christmas!

I'll be the old, lowly manager.

What do you want?

-They want a room.

-A broom?

-No.

A room.

-Oh, a room!

Sea view?

Do you not even have a lowly stable where we could rest?

-I don't know, do we?

-No, we don't.

-No, we don't!

-Yes, we do!

-Do you work here too?

-Get inside!

Ah!

You two go and have your baby in the sodding manager!

-Manger.

-Ah!

Get on the donkey!

[audience laughs] [Annie] Move, just move.

Next scene!

Ah!

Mary knew that soon her child would be born.

[Trevor] Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

As she entered the humble stable with animals all around.

[music] Oh, Joseph, I do hope these creatures will not begrudge us a little room in their stable for the night.

We must rest now, my dearest Mary.

Soon the son of God will be born.

Just then, there came a knock at the stable door... [knocks on door] ...and the three wise men approached.

[music] We come bearing gifts.

I offer you gold standard accreditation for all your business loans.

I offer frank n' sensible advice on your financial interests.

And I offer you sustained low cost myrrhgage rates.

[audience laughs] And look, three shepherds approach also.

Oh it's not shepherds.

It's more wise men.

Mary, Joseph, and the six wise men awaited the birth of the baby Jesus.

The shepherds had decided to sit this one out.

Unless they were on the tab on the other side?

No.

No shepherds.

Just nine wise men.

It's like Mensa in here.

All was quiet and still.

[playing Silent Night] ♪ Silent night, ♪ holy night -- [fire alarm] [Chris] The second one.

Don't Worry ♪ All is bright Can we turn it off please?

♪ Round yo..

Turn it off!

♪ Virgin Mother and Child Cut the wires!

Cut the wires!

♪ Holy Infant... Just sing over the top.

♪ ...so tender and mild.

Louder!

♪ Sleep in heavenly...!

[Chris] Louder!

♪ ...peace!

♪ Sleep in...!

[fire alarm stops] ♪ ...heavenly peace.

♪ Silent night, holy night ♪ Fire!

Hot fire!

-Fire alarm!

-We've cut the wires.

[Annie] Fire Blanket.

Fire Blanket!

♪ Glories stream from heaven afar... ♪ ♪ Heavenly hosts sing... [Robert] Out of the way!

Out of the way!

♪ ...Alleluia!

♪ Christ--!

♪ the Saviour is born!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

-Fighting fire with fire!

-Get off, you idiot!

♪ Christ, the Saviour is born!

♪ Christ, the Saviour is born!

[audience claps] And with that, the... [fire alarm] Please!

[fire alarm stops] And with that, the story continued.

I hear a choir of angels.

The delivery is upon us.

And the light of the Angel Gabriel shone down upon them.

[mechanical beeps and whirring] Behold the light of God.

[celestial choir] Ah!

And at that sacred moment... [Robert] Ah!

And at that sacred moment the holy son of the Lord was brought forth into life.

[Robert] Ah!

[screams] Now that was more like it.

Camera seven, camera seven!

Get down!

Get down!

And at that sacred moment the holy son of the Lord was brought forth into life.

-He's beautiful.

-[Robert] Hang on.

Wait, wait.

Hello.

We shall call him Jesus.

The three wise men approached.

[audience laughs] And knelt to give their gifts to the Christ child.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Thank you, wise men, for these kind gifts.

[music] And on that holy night everyone in the stable stood looking proudly at the beautiful newborn babe.

The End.

[screams] [audience claps] [music]