- Stop!

Thief!

MAN 1: Stop that man!

MAN 2: I've got him!

CHILDREN SHOUTING POIROT: They fear me, Hastings.

The criminals, they fear Hercule Poirot so much that they have repented of their naughty ways and have become citizens of the most upright.

Oh, rubbish, Poirot.

I say, look at that schooner.

Rubbish, do you say, Hastings?

Well, I don't imagine most of them have ever heard of Hercule Poirot.

Ah.

You strike a man while he is down, hein?

I wish you were right.

I wouldn't mind retiring early.

Strikes me they're getting even cleverer, our criminal friends.

I had a case last week you would have liked, Poirot.

At the moment, my dear Inspector, I would like any case at all.

Burlington Arcade, broad daylight, a fella walks in, pulls a gun, and helps himself to a handful of precious stones.

My dear Japp, that sounds quite ordinary.

The good bit's still to come.

Now, this robber hasn't gone five yards when he's seized by a couple of passing citizens and held until a constable arrives.

The constable marches him off to the station, there's the stones in his pocket.

Very good.

Very public-spirited piece of work by the worthy passers by.

Except... Except that what, Inspector?

The stones in his pocket aren't the real stones.

He's passed the real ones to a confederate, one of the aforementioned worthy citizens.

HASTINGS: I say!

JAPP: Not bad, eh?

I hope he gets ten years.

Yes, very good.

HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH But yes, it is not badly imagined.

You know, Hastings, sometimes, I wish that I was not of such a moral disposition.

Really?

Would not Hercule Poirot do better than any criminal?

Hercule Poirot would use his grey cells, eh?

Hercule Poirot would change his modus operandi for every crime.

Scotland Yard would never be able to pin me down.

Ah, Hastings!

Hastings!

To work against the law for a change!

I think it would be quite pleasing.

Imagine it.

Every morning, a new crime, eh?

Every morning, Inspector Japp tearing the hair.

HE CHUCKLES And on every street corner, the cries of the newspaper sellers.

"Read all about it!

"Monsieur Big reveals everything!"

MISS LEMON CLEARS THROAT Yes, Miss Lemon.

A lady came to see you, Mr Poirot.

Ah.

Bon.

What sort of lady, Miss Lemon?

Well, exactly, Captain Hastings.

It was hard to tell.

You couldn't see her face for the veil she was wearing.

Where is she now, Miss Lemon?

She said she had a matter of the utmost importance to consult you about, and would you go to see her at the Athena Hotel?

And what does she call herself?

She wouldn't leave her name.

HASTINGS: Room number at the hotel?

She wouldn't leave a number.

Diable.

Is it any wonder that my business, it is crumbling about my eyes.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

Very good.

Boy!

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

VOICE SHAKING: You must be Monsieur Poirot.

I'm sorry I couldn't stay at your office, but... I think I'm being watched, you see.

Watched, mademoiselle?

I can hardly believe that anyone can help me, but I've heard such wonderful things about you.

Perhaps you can do the impossible.

The impossible, it pleases me always.

Allow me to introduce my associate, Captain Hastings.

How do you do?

POIROT: Continue, I beg of you.

You've heard of Lady Millicent Castlevaughn.

HASTINGS: The Earl of Killarney's daughter?

I am Lady Millicent.

- Oh, I say.

LADY MILLICENT: Thank you.

You may have read of my engagement to the Duke of Southshire.

HASTINGS: Yes, indeed.

They say it'll be the wedding of the year.

I did not know that you were such an expert on the social calendar, Hastings.

LIFT DINGS It's too public here.

I shall trust you.

My word.

So kind.

There is a man.

A horrible man.

His name is Lavington.

There was a letter I wrote.

I was only 16 at the time.

A letter you wrote to Monsieur Lavington?

Oh, no.

To a young man.

He was going on an expedition up the Orinoco.

He never came back.

Rotten luck.

- I was very fond of him.

- I understand.

It was a foolish letter, an indiscreet letter, but nothing more.

But, there were phrases in it which might bear a different interpretation.

POIROT: I see.

So this letter has come into the hands of Monsieur Lavington?

Yes.

And he threatens to send it to my fiance unless I send him an enormous amount of money.

Dirty swine!

I beg your pardon, Lady Millicent.

How much is he asking?

Twenty thousand pounds.

VOICE SHAKING: It's impossible.

I doubt if I could raise £1,000 even.

- And you have seen this letter?

- Yes.

I went to his house in Wimbledon.

He held it out for me to see.

I tried to snatch it, but he was too quick for me.

So where is it now?

He folded it up and put it in a little wooden box.

A Chinese puzzle box, he called it.

"It'll be safe in there," he said.

"And the box itself "is hidden in such a clever place "that you will never find it."

It is repugnant to me that you should pay to this man even one penny.

Hear, hear.

No.

The ingenuity of Hercule Poirot shall defeat your enemies.

Yes.

Please be so kind as to send to me this Monsieur Lavington.

I don't see why this Lavington fellow should give up the letter just because we ask him to.

What a stunning girl, though.

I sometimes think, mon ami, that you are too easily stunned.

Thank you.

- Thank you, sir.

Whitehaven Mansions, please, driver.

This is interesting, Poirot.

"Englishman mysteriously done to death in Holland."

Always they say that, Hastings.

Later they find that he has eaten a tinned fish and that his death is perfectly natural.

If you're determined to look on the black side.

He won't come now, will he, Mr Poirot?

Perhaps he is frightened of us, hey, Miss Lemon?

MISS LEMON: I'll stay if you like.

No, no, no.

Thank you.

But, Captain Hastings and I will manage.

- Well, good night, Mr Poirot.

POIROT: Good night.

- Good night, Captain Hastings.

- Good night, Miss Lemon.

I hope you have a pleasant evening.

DOOR CLOSES BUZZER SOUNDS, SHE GASPS WHISPERS: I'm him!

It's him!

I'm sure it's him!

Calm yourself, Miss Lemon.

It is only a simple blackmailer.

There's something nasty about blackmail, Mr Poirot.

POIROT: You have nothing to fear.

Of that, I am sure.

Now, please be so kind as to let in Monsieur Lavington as you go.

BUZZER SOUNDS - Mr Lavington to see you.

- Ah.

Well, well, well.

So this is the famous Hercule Poirot, is it?

It is, monsieur.

LAVINGTON: Hm.

The Castlevaughn girl said that you wanted to talk to me.

Does she think I'm going to change my mind?

Perhaps she does.

LAVINGTON SIGHS She must think that I'm an idiot, then.

Perhaps you are.

- Try me.

- Very well.

Lady Millicent does not have £20,000, or anything like it.

- Really?

Just because she's got a title doesn't mean she's rich.

Oh, I'm sure some of her gentlemen friends would be willing enough to oblige such a pretty woman with a loan.

Particularly, if she went the right way about it, what?

- You swine!

- Hastings, please.

I say, what an excitable office boy you have.

Lady Millicent might raise with difficulty the sum of £5,000.

Five?

You will have your little joke, won't you?

Hercule Poirot does not joke, monsieur.

Well, gentlemen, we don't seem to be getting much further.

I have something for sale.

Either I get my price or I don't.

There's no room for bargaining.

It would appear, Monsieur Lavington, that you are quite experienced in these matters, hein?

Oh, all right.

I'll let the Lady Millicent off cheaply, as she's such a charming girl.

Go on.

We'll say £18,000.

That is not so cheap.

Take it or leave it.

I'm off to Paris today.

I shall be back on Tuesday.

Unless £18,000 is paid by Tuesday evening, the duke gets the letter.

HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH DOOR CLOSES Hastings?

DOOR OPENS FOOTSTEPS RETREAT Hastings?

Hastings?

DOOR OPENS HASTINGS SIGHS - Lost him.

- Monsieur Lavington?

He got into a cab.

What did you want him for?

I was gonna follow him, find out where he lived.

- We know where he lives.

- I don't.

Yes.

Lady Millicent has already told us he lives at Wimbledon.

Oh, yes.

Wimbledon's a pretty big place, you know.

I had an aunt who lived in Wimbledon.

And an uncle, actually.

I used to go and stay there sometimes.

Buena Vista, Cedars Avenue.

Oh.

I see.

It is a volume packed with useful information, Hastings.

You never think of looking for people's addresses in the telephone directory, though, do you?

Yes, Hastings, I do.

Why did you wish to know where Monsieur Lavington lives, Hastings?

I don't know.

He was so beastly, the way he talked about Lady Millicent.

I wanted to kick him down the stairs.

You wanted to do it in the comfort of his own home, yes?

What?

Well, no.

Well, I don't know.

Something's got to be done.

Something IS going to be done, Hastings.

You're going to his house.

You're going to his house while he's in Paris.

You're going to his house while he's in Paris, and you're going to burgle it.

CAR HORN HONKS DOOR BELL RINGS You should be around the side.

- Comment?

- Tradesmen.

Around the side.

You're not selling onions, are you?

Pardon?

Your people come over here doing that a lot.

Monsieur Lavington came to see me.

SHE SCOFFS He sees a good many people.

I'm not responsible for all that.

I'm only the housekeeper.

And I am the locksmith.

I specialise in burglar-proof locks.

Well, he didn't say anything to me about it.

But, I can't say I'm surprised, the way things are around here.

You better come in.

- Thank you.

Wipe your feet.

Hasn't been the same round here since they started the tennis up the road.

You get all these riff-raff come to watch.

Ooh, very la-di-da to hear them speak.

But you're not safe in your own home, are you?

With all these people asking directions, wanting cafes.

I don't know where they think they are.

Indeed no, madam.

It's been beyond all since that Fred Perry won again this year.

Now, Monsieur Lavington was most eager that I should fix these special locks whilst he was in Paris.

Oh, that's where he is, is it?

SHE CHUCKLES I can't keep up with him.

Well, you get on with it, then.

Thank you.

Madame, Monsieur Lavington omitted to tell me your name.

You're called Madam... - Godber.

Charming.

How come you're being a locksmith here when you're French?

Because I am not French, madam.

- No?

- No.

Where are you from, then?

Madame Godber, tell me.

What is the country that is very full of mountains and divided into cantons?

You're never Chinese.

HE LAUGHS No, no, madam.

Switzerland.

A country famous for its watches, its clocks, and its locks.

I've heard about the watches.

My late husband had one, God rest his soul.

Never did him much good.

Well, I can't stand here talking.

I've got to get my work done.

Get home to Streatham.

Ah.

I was under the impression that you lived in, madam.

SHE CHUCKLES Oh, no.

I certainly don't.

I'm finished here at six.

Don't matter what.

BANGING SOUNDS WOOD BANGING SHE SIGHS WOOD SAWING I shall be back at the same time tomorrow, madam.

And until then, please don't let anyone touch the windows.

They are connected up already.

- Connected up?

- To the electricity.

I can't see any wires.

Naturally.

POIROT WHISPERS: Hastings, use stealth.

A policeman patrols every 17 minutes.

HASTINGS WHISPERS: How did you do that?

HE SHUSHES POIROT: Do not put on the lights.

The neighbours will see.

POIROT SIGHS POIROT SHUSHES - Anything?

- No.

Me neither.

HE GRUNTS SOFTLY Oh, blast!

TOILET FLUSHES WHISPERS: Is Hercule Poirot to be beaten?

Never!

I've searched everywhere.

I even took the fruit out of the fruit bowl.

Please let us be calm.

Let us reason.

Let us... Enfin!

Let us employ the little grey cells.

WHISPERS: I am an imbecile.

The kitchen!

The kitchen?

That's impossible.

What about the servants?

They'd be bound to come across it.

WHISPERS: Exactly.

That is just what 99 people out of 100 would say.

And for that very reason, the kitchen is the ideal place to choose.

HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH DOOR CREAKS CUTLERY RATTLES He can't have buried it under the coal.

If you will use your eyes, Hastings, you will see that it is not the coal that I examine.

DOG BARKING WHISPERS: Officer!

Officer!

POIROT: Ah.

WHISPERS: Direct your light for me, Hastings.

Your knife, if you please.

Ah!

Well done!

HE SHUSHES WHISPERS: Gently with the voice.

Extraordinary place.

Anyone might have used the logs.

In July?

And it was hidden at the bottom of the pile.

A very ingenious hiding place.

You know, I think this will be quite a tease to open.

DOOR CREAKS OFFICER: All right, boys.

The game's up.

HE GULPS I want you to come quietly now.

Officer, I want to explain.

My friend and I are here at the request of Monsieur Lavington.

It's him.

He's the main one.

Never mind about the other one.

- Madame Godber... Oh!

It makes you shiver when they use your own name, doesn't it?

I knew it would be him, pretending to talk in that silly accent.

My lad, you're coming down to the station.

- Officer... - He tried to tell me some cock-and-bull story about being Chinese.

Madame... Don't you "madam" me, you tike.

Casing the joint.

That's what he was doing.

I fooled him, though.

Told him I didn't live here.

I was suspicious right from the start, you see?

- Look at his eyes.

- Officer... Look at his shifty little eyes.

SHE SHUDDERS You can always tell.

OFFICER: Come on, Sonny Jim.

It's down the lockup for you.

- Morning, sir.

JAPP: Morning.

Vicious-looking character, isn't he?

OFFICER: He hasn't been any trouble.

No.

He's too clever for that.

We wanted to get our hands on him for months.

Apart from not giving a name.

What is his name?

- This is not funny, Japp.

JAPP: Well, nobody knows his real name.

But everyone calls him Mad Dog.

OFFICER: Mad Dog, eh?

One fancy ring.

One pair of pince-nez spectacles.

One, er... What is that?

That is my moustache comb.

- Moustache comb?

- Yes.

You didn't tell me he was one of your unnaturals, sir.

Just give him his things.

What I don't understand is how you got to Lavington's house so quick, Poirot.

I only heard myself last night.

Heard what, Inspector?

That Lavington being murdered in Amsterdam.

Murdered?

When?

When?

Last week, of course.

Last week?

Last Tuesday.

But you knew that.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

ENGINE STARTS DOG BARKS DOOR CLOSES POIROT: Good morning, Hastings.

- You are well, yes?

- This is impossible, you know.

I am glad to see you looking so rested this morning, Hastings.

And what a turn of speed you displayed last night, what agility to jump through the window, eh?

And to leave your poor friend Poirot in the soup.

If I hadn't managed to escape and get Japp to come and bail you out, you would've been up in front of Wimbledon beak this morning.

Housebreaking at the very least.

I didn't have a very good night, as a matter of fact.

Couldn't sleep a wink trying to get this thing open.

My heart goes out to you, Hastings.

I don't think it's a box at all.

I think it's a solid block of wood.

Really?

I'm usually pretty good at anything mechanical.

You try.

I think we should take a hammer to it.

One moment, ami.

Hm.

Perhaps poor old Poirot can do it.

Ah!

Hastings.

What a cracksman was lost when Hercule Poirot decided to become the world's greatest detective.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY TELEPHONE RINGS HASTINGS: Is that it?

Lady Millicent's letter?

You're not gonna read it!

But, how will I be able to tell you if it is the letter of Lady Millicent if I do not read it?

First burglary, now this.

Ah, this is charmant.

It's her.

Lady Millicent.

She wants to see you.

But... At her hotel in one hour.

She says the hotel isn't safe.

Well, where, then?

POIROT: A strange circumstance has arisen which will amuse you, I think, Hastings.

HASTINGS: Oh, really?

POIROT: Monsieur Lavington... is dead.

HASTINGS: Good heavens.

POIROT: Yes.

In fact, he was already dead when he came to see us on Friday.

HASTINGS: Already dead when he... POIROT: He was your Englishman mysteriously done to death in Holland.

HASTINGS: Done to death in Holland?

How did he get to London?

Must've been someone else.

Good, Hastings.

Yes.

Very good.

Oh, Monsieur Poirot!

How wonderful!

How did you do it?

By methods rather reprehensible, I'm afraid, my lady.

Oh, dear.

In an operation very difficult and dangerous, Captain Hastings was particularly valorous.

But I'm sure Monsieur Lavington will not prosecute.

Oh, how can I ever thank you both?

Where was it hidden?

In the Chinese box just as you said.

And the Chinese box was hidden inside a fire log.

- And you found it!

- Ah.

Oh, you are both wonderful, wonderful men.

- Where is it now?

- Comment?

The Chinese box.

Where's it now?

- The box?

LADY MILLICENT: Mm.

I don't know.

SHE GIGGLES You don't know?

One would hardly lose a thing like that, surely.

Hastings, whatever did we do with that box?

HASTINGS: Didn't you throw it away?

LADY MILLICENT: Oh, surely not!

It was such a beautiful little box!

No, I remember now.

You put it in your pocket.

My pocket?

Ah!

Voila.

SHE GUSHES There it is.

Isn't it lovely?

Looks pretty ordinary to me.

You can buy them for tuppence in Limehouse.

Oh, no.

I would dearly love to keep it as a souvenir to remind me of such a very clever French gentleman.

- Belgian.

- How quaint.

I had hoped that you would permit me to keep it to remind me of a very beautiful English lady.

Oh, but I shall give you a much better souvenir than that on my wedding day.

You shall not find me ungrateful, Monsieur Poirot.

And I... have far more pleasure, my lady, in serving you, than to receive the money cheque.

You must permit that I retain the box.

But, Monsieur Poirot, you don't understand.

I simply must have it.

- I think... not.

What do you mean?

Inside this box is a cavity.

This cavity is divided into two halves.

Please to observe.

In the one half... ..was the compromising letter.

And in the other... If I mistake not, the jewels from the necklace stolen in the Burlington Arcade robbery.

Precisely.

Oh, no!

Hello, Girty.

SHE SIGHS Oh, Gawd!

Nabbed!

You know each other?

Girty runs the best tomfoolery gang in the country.

- Tomfoolery?

- Jewellery.

- Does he know everything?

- No.

JAPP: Why'd you go and get yourself mixed up with this Lavington, Girty?

That's what I can't make out.

GIRTY: Me neither.

JAPP: Nasty bit of work, he was.

Blackmailer and all sorts.

- Don't I know it.

He done the dirty on us.

But, it was him who give me the idea about the job in the first place.

He found out about the jewellers from one of them poor devils he was blackmailing.

- Then he wrote himself in.

- That's right.

He persuaded me to let him be the civilian who grabbed hold of Shiner.

And this Shiner handed the tomfoolery over to Lavington.

That's right.

Lavington agreed to meet us in his house in Wimbledon.

But he didn't show up, did he?

Dirty crook.

And I didn't know where he'd hidden the tom either.

But, he showed me before where he put the letter.

And so I guessed perhaps he might have hidden the jewellery in the same place.

And so, my dear mademoiselle, you decided to call in Hercule Poirot to do your searching for you.

Well, I'd heard you was good.

JAPP: So you put the fix on Lavington, and then your people followed him to Holland, and that's where they killed him, eh?

- All right.

- Sorry?

So you will be, my lad.

We got reason to believe you got stolen museum exhibits concealed about your person.

JAPP: What?

Quick!

She's getting away!

HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH Get the box?

Never mind the box.

I've got the tom!

Come on!

- Look at the warrant card.

- We know you're armed.

- He's not armed.

- Look at it!

Oh.

Well, we wasn't to know, was we?

It's Lavington.

POIROT Never.

That's Joey Weatherly.

Girty got him to impersonate Lavington after the real Lavington was killed in Holland!

Right.

Weatherly?

HE SHUSHES Here, Joey.

I've just found one of your relations.

You're not gonna get away, you know, Joey.

Come on, Girty.

Give yourself up.

You're in with bad company here.

They're in here somewhere, Poirot.

It is a waiting game, I think, mon ami.

JAPP: Not my way of doing things.

I'm gonna have every one of these dust covers off.

Well, the museum will not be delighted, I think.

I don't care about that.

Benson!

Tidmarsh!

CAT MEOWS CAT MEOWS AND PURRS GIRTY GRUNTS SOFTLY They're here!

JOEY: Go on.

JAPP: Going?

JOEY: Go on!

SHE SCREAMS - All right, Joey.

Come quietly.

HASTINGS: Give yourself up.

Not on your life, Mr Japp.

SHE SIGHS Come on, Girty.

Hand them over.

SHE SIGHS MUSIC: 'Morning Papers Waltz' by Strauss Sit here, Hastings.

Now, I hope that you will not again wound my feelings by saying that I am unknown to the criminal classes.

I didn't mean that exactly.

That's why they even employ me themselves when they do not know which way to turn.

- What do you think?

- Well... I think... that we have made a good choice, Hastings.

- Not bad, eh?

- Poirot.

Hastings.

I thought she'd never stop talking.

- What do you think?

- It's a beauty.

I thought you were gonna get the smaller one.

Oh, I'd feel silly with a small one.

Are you gonna try it out now?

Captain Hastings has not brought it here for the good of his health.

DUCK QUACKS Did you ever think of going to sea, Poirot?

No, no, my friend.

This is as close as I like to get.

I used to dream about the sea.

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