>> Here is a song I always get requests for, but I can't understand for the life of me why.

[ Playing "The Elements" ] ♪ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium ♪ ♪ And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium ♪ ♪ And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium ♪ ♪ And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium ♪ ♪ Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium ♪ ♪ And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium ♪ ♪ And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium ♪ ♪ And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium ♪ ♪ All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon ♪ ♪ When we're poisoning pigeons in the park ♪ ♪ So long, Mom ♪ I'm off to drop the bomb ♪ So don't wait up for me ♪ But though I may roam, I'll come back to my home ♪ ♪ Although it may be a pile of debris ♪ I understand that everybody in Denmark speaks English, but I don't know if you speak American.

[ Laughter ] ♪ Members of the Corps ♪ All hate the thought of war ♪ They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means ♪ ♪ Stop calling it aggression ♪ Ooh, we hate that expression ♪ ♪ We only want the world to know that we support the status quo ♪ ♪ They love us everywhere we go ♪ ♪ So when in doubt, send the Marines ♪♪ ♪ Don't say that he's hypocritical ♪ ♪ Say rather that's he's apolitical ♪ ♪ "Once rockets are up, who cares where they come down?

♪ ♪ That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun ♪♪ ♪ And we will all go together when we go ♪ ♪ Every Hottentot and every Eskimo ♪ ♪ When the air becomes uranious ♪ ♪ We will all go simultaneous ♪ Yes, we all will go together when we all go together ♪ ♪ Yes, we all will go together when we, oh ♪ [ Applause ] >> Hello.

I'm Barret Hansen, but you may know me as Dr. Demento.

For 40-plus years, I brought radio listeners around the country a weekly program featuring mad music and crazy comedy.

Throughout my time on the radio and now on the Internet, I've played songs from satirists, humorists, and funny people like Spike Jones, Frank Zappa, and "Weird Al" Yankovic, but to me, the greatest satirist and satirical songwriter of them all is Tom Lehrer, and it's my great pleasure to be with you for this very special public television broadcast of this historic Tom Lehrer concert from 1967.

It's Tom Lehrer at his absolute best.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Tom Lehrer Live in Copenhagen."

[ Applause ] >> Ladies and gentlemen, who is next?

Tom Lehrer.

[ Applause ] [ Indistinct conversation ] [ Applause ] [ Rhythmic clapping ] >> Oh.

[ Clapping continues ] What a pleasure.

I've been invited here for reasons which escape me, to sing some of the songs with which I have been boring American audiences for many years, and most of these songs...

I suspect, as a matter of fact, that the whole idea was part of a Communist plot to undermine Danish-American relations, or maybe it's our revenge for Victor Borge, but at any rate, all of these songs were really part of a huge scientific project to which I have devoted most of my life, namely the attempt to prolong adolescence beyond all previous limits.

I understand that everybody in Denmark speaks English, but I don't know if you speak American, and I'm going to try and insert a brief explanation of each song before I sing it.

There still may be some references which escape you.

If so, I suggest that tomorrow morning, you ring up the American embassy, and I'm sure they'll have some useful suggestions for you.

If that's too much trouble, I can only suggest that you approach this performance in the same spirit as you would, say, a performance of "Goetterdaemmerung" in German, namely that the sheer overwhelming beauty of the music makes it unnecessary to understand exactly what's going on.

[ Laughter ] So...right.

Well, supposing we start with a really American song to test you out.

Speaking of that, I never really thought I looked particularly American, but it turns out in Europe, everybody can spot an American right away, and they come up to you on the street, and they punch you, and they say, "Get out of Vietnam," and things like that, and it makes conversation a little strained, but a few years ago, there was much discussion about the concept of a multilateral force.

The idea of this was that the United States would join with the other free nations in a nuclear force including our current friends, like France, and our traditional friends, like Germany.

Well, the idea, the specific idea of MLF, as it was called, is now abandoned, but the idea of sharing nuclear weapons is still with us, so perhaps this song is not so out-of-date after all.

[ Playing "The MLF Lullaby" ] ♪ Sleep, baby, sleep ♪ In peace may you slumber ♪ No danger lurks, your sleep to encumber ♪ ♪ We've got the missiles, peace to determine ♪ ♪ And one of the fingers on the button will be German ♪ ♪ Why shouldn't they have nuclear warheads?

♪ ♪ England says, "No," but they all are soreheads ♪ ♪ I say a bygone should be a bygone ♪ ♪ Let's make peace the way we did in Stanleyville and Saigon ♪ ♪ Once all the Germans were warlike and mean ♪ ♪ But that couldn't happen again ♪ ♪ We taught them a lesson in 1918 ♪ ♪ And they've hardly bothered us since then ♪ ♪ So, sleep well, my darling ♪ The sandman can linger ♪ We know our buddies won't give us the finger ♪ ♪ Heil, uh, hail, the Wehrmacht, I mean the Bundeswehr ♪ ♪ Hail to our noble ally ♪ MLF will scare Brezhnev ♪ I hope he is half as scared as I!

♪ [ Applause ] Now, that was a little depressing, so I will sing you a cheerful, uplifting, rousing song, which is guaranteed to cheer you up.

[ Playing "We Will All Go Together When We Go" ] ♪ When you attend a funeral ♪ It is sad to think that sooner or later ♪ ♪ Those you love will do the same for you ♪ ♪ And you may have thought it tragic ♪ ♪ Not to mention other adjectives, to think of all the weeping they will do ♪ ♪ But don't you worry ♪ No more ashes, no more sackcloth ♪ ♪ And an armband made of black cloth ♪ ♪ Will some day never more again be seen ♪ ♪ For if the bomb that drops on you ♪ ♪ Gets your friends and neighbors, too ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ There'll be nobody left behind to mourn ♪ ♪ And we will all go together when we go ♪ ♪ What a comforting fact that is to know ♪ ♪ Universal bereavement ♪ An inspiring achievement ♪ Yes, we all will go together when we go ♪ ♪ We will all go together when we go ♪ ♪ All suffused with an incandescent glow ♪ ♪ No one will have the endurance ♪ ♪ To collect on his insurance ♪ Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go ♪ ♪ We will all fry together when we fry ♪ ♪ We'll be French-fried potatoes by and by ♪ ♪ There'll be no more misery ♪ ♪ When the world is our rotisserie ♪ ♪ Yes, we will all fry together when we fry ♪ ♪ We will all bake together when we bake ♪ ♪ There'll be nobody present at the wake ♪ ♪ With complete participation in that grand incineration ♪ ♪ Nearly 3 billion hunks of well-done steak ♪ ♪ We will all char together when we char ♪ ♪ And let there be no moaning of the bar ♪ ♪ Just sing out a "Te Deum" when you see that ICBM ♪ ♪ And the party will be "Come as you are" ♪ ♪ We will all burn together when we burn ♪ ♪ There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn ♪ ♪ When it's time for the fallout ♪ ♪ And Saint Peter calls us all out ♪ ♪ We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn ♪ ♪ You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas ♪ ♪ Go directly ♪ Do not pass Go ♪ Do not collect $200 ♪ And we will all go together when we go ♪ ♪ Every Hottentot and every Eskimo ♪ ♪ When the air becomes uranious ♪ ♪ We will all go simultaneous ♪ Yes, we all will go together when we all go together ♪ ♪ Yes, we all will go together when we, oh ♪ [ Applause ] >> I'd like to dedicate that song to President Johnson... [ Laughter ] ...who, unfortunately, could not be here tonight.

[ Laughter ] There was a time when an American about to go overseas would be warned not to drink the water, but now we have such a water-pollution problem and an air-pollution problem for that matter, too, that if any of you are planning to visit the United States, I suggest you listen to the warning in this song.

[ Playing "Pollution" ] ♪ If you visit American city ♪ You will find it very pretty ♪ Just two things of which you must beware ♪ ♪ Don't drink the water, and don't breathe the air ♪ ♪ Pollution, pollution ♪ They got smog and sewage and mud ♪ ♪ Turn on your tap ♪ And get hot and cold running crud ♪ ♪ See the halibuts and the sturgeons ♪ ♪ Being wiped out by detergents ♪ ♪ Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly ♪ ♪ But they don't last long if they try ♪ ♪ Pollution, pollution ♪ You can use the latest toothpaste ♪ ♪ And then rinse your mouth with industrial waste ♪ ♪ Just go out for a breath of air ♪ ♪ And you'll be ready for Medicare ♪ ♪ The city streets are really quite a thrill ♪ ♪ If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will ♪ ♪ Pollution, pollution ♪ ♪ Wear a gas mask and a veil ♪ Then you can breathe ♪ Long as you don't inhale ♪ Lots of things there that you can drink ♪ ♪ But stay away from the kitchen sink ♪ ♪ Throw out your breakfast garbage, and I've got a hunch ♪ ♪ That the folks downstream will drink it for lunch ♪ ♪ So go to the city ♪ See the crazy people there ♪ Like lambs to the slaughter ♪ They're drinking the water ♪ ♪ And breathing... [ Coughs ] the air ♪ [ Applause ] >> Now I'd like to do a couple of love songs.

First of all, the type of love song in which the man assures the girl that although the years ahead will almost certainly destroy every vestige of her already dubious charms, that nonetheless, his love for her will shine on forever through the years, another example of realism in the popular song.

This one is called "When You Are Old and Gray."

♪♪ ♪ Since I still appreciate you ♪ ♪ Let's find love while we may ♪ ♪ Because I know I'll hate you ♪ ♪ When you are old and gray ♪ ♪ So say you love me here and now ♪ ♪ I'll make the most of that ♪ ♪ Say you love and trust me ♪ ♪ For I know you'll disgust me ♪ ♪ When you're old and getting fat ♪ ♪ An awful debility ♪ A lessened utility ♪ A loss of mobility is a strong possibility ♪ ♪ In all probability, I'll lose my virility ♪ ♪ And you your fertility and desirability ♪ ♪ And this liability of total sterility ♪ ♪ Will lead to hostility and a sense of futility ♪ ♪ So let's act with agility while we still have facility ♪ ♪ For we'll soon reach senility and lose the ability ♪ ♪ Your teeth will start to go, dear ♪ ♪ Your waist will start to spread ♪ ♪ In 20 years or so, dear, I'll wish that you were dead ♪ ♪ I'll never love you then at all the way I do today ♪ ♪ So please remember when I leave in December I told you so in May ♪ [ Applause ] I must confess that I wrote that song when I was 21 years old, and somehow it doesn't seem so funny anymore, but... [ Laughter and applause ] Your turn will come.

Now I'd like to sing another love song.

This is a tender little ballad entitled simply "I Hold Your Hand in Mine."

This... [ Applause ] If I forget the words, you can help me out.

[ Laughter ] Of all of the songs that I have ever sung, the most requests not to.

♪♪ ♪ I hold your hand in mine, dear ♪ ♪ I press it to my lips ♪ I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips ♪ ♪ My joy would be complete, dear ♪ ♪ If you were only here ♪ But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ The night you died, I cut it off ♪ ♪ I really don't know why ♪ For now, each time I kiss it, I get bloodstains on my tie ♪ ♪ I'm sorry now I killed you ♪ For our love was something fine ♪ ♪ Until they come to get me, I shall hold your hand in mine ♪ [ Applause ] Now...

It's very comforting to know that as we sit helplessly by and watch the world slip slowly down around our ankles that the United States still has one instrument of diplomacy to fall back on -- the United States Marines.

Here is a song about that.

[ Playing "Send the Marines" ] ♪ When someone makes a move of which we don't approve ♪ ♪ Who is it that always intervenes?

♪ ♪ UN and OAS, they have their place, I guess ♪ ♪ But first, send the Marines ♪ We'll send them all ♪ We've got John Wayne and Randolph Scott ♪ ♪ Remember those exciting fighting scenes?

♪ ♪ To the shores of Tripoli ♪ But not to Mississippoli ♪ What do we do?

♪ We send the Marines ♪ For might makes right ♪ And until they've seen the light ♪ ♪ They've got to be protected ♪ All their rights respected ♪ Till somebody we like can be elected ♪ ♪ Members of the Corps all hate the thought of war ♪ ♪ They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means ♪ ♪ Stop calling it aggression ♪ Ooh, we hate that expression ♪ We only want the world to know that we support the status quo ♪ ♪ They love us everywhere we go ♪ ♪ So when in doubt, send the Marines ♪ [ Applause ] Now I'd like to turn to the folk song.

It's always seemed to me that the reason most authentic, genuine folk songs are so unbearable is that they were written by the people, and so I thought I'd try one myself.

This one is an ancient Irish ballad, which goes back as far as 1947 and has all the characteristics of that art form, in particular an idiotic refrain, rickety-tickety-tin, and hundreds and hundreds of verses.

You'll be relieved to know that I'm only going to sing about 70 or 80 tonight.

[ Laughter ] So I should mention that folk songs should be accompanied on folk instruments, and the piano, for some reason, is not one, so imagine, if you will, that I am playing an 88-string guitar.

Oh, one other thing -- As you know, audience participation is an important part of public folk singing, so if any of you feel like joining in on this song, I would appreciate it if you would get out.

[ Laughter ] [ "The Irish Ballad" plays ] ♪ About a maid, I'll sing a song ♪ ♪ Sing rickety-tickety-tin ♪ About a maid, I'll sing a song ♪ ♪ Who didn't have her family long ♪ ♪ Not only did she do them wrong ♪ ♪ She did every one of them in, them in ♪ ♪ She did every one of them in ♪ ♪ One morning in a fit of pique ♪ ♪ Sing rickety-tickety-tin ♪ One morning in a fit of pique ♪ ♪ She drowned her father in the creek ♪ ♪ The water tasted bad for a week ♪ ♪ And we had to make do with gin, with gin ♪ ♪ We had to make do with gin ♪ ♪ Her mother she could never stand ♪ ♪ Sing rickety-tickety-tin ♪ Her mother she could never stand ♪ ♪ And so a cyanide soup she planned ♪ ♪ The mother died with a spoon in her hand ♪ ♪ And her face in a hideous grin, a grin ♪ ♪ Her face in a hideous grin ♪ She weighted her brother down with stones ♪ ♪ Rickety-tickety-tin ♪ She weighted her brother down with stones ♪ ♪ And sent him off to Davy Jones ♪ ♪ All they ever found were some bones ♪ ♪ And occasional pieces of skin, of skin ♪ ♪ Occasional pieces of skin ♪ One day when she had nothing to do ♪ ♪ Sing rickety-tickety-tin ♪ One day when she had nothing to do ♪ ♪ She cut her baby brother in two ♪ ♪ And served him up as an Irish stew ♪ ♪ And invited the neighbors in, -bors in ♪ ♪ Invited the neighbors in ♪ And when at last the police came by ♪ ♪ Rickety-tickety-tin ♪ And when at last the police came by ♪ ♪ Her little pranks she did not deny ♪ ♪ To do so, she would have had to lie ♪ ♪ And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin ♪ ♪ Lying, she knew, was a sin ♪ My tragic tale I won't prolong ♪ ♪ Rickety-tickety-tin ♪ My tragic tale I won't prolong ♪ ♪ And if you do not enjoy my song ♪ ♪ You've yourselves to blame if it's too long ♪ ♪ You should never have let me begin, begin ♪ ♪ You should never have let me begin ♪ [ Applause ] Now, here is a song I always get requests for, but I can't understand for the life of me why.

It's simply the names of the chemical elements set to a Gilbert and Sullivan tune.

I think the only reason I do it is to see if I still can.

We'll try.

[ "The Elements" plays ] ♪ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium ♪ ♪ And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium ♪ ♪ And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium ♪ ♪ And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium ♪ ♪ Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium ♪ ♪ And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium ♪ ♪ And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium ♪ ♪ And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium ♪ ♪ There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium ♪ ♪ And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium ♪ ♪ There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium ♪ ♪ And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium ♪ I left out one, actually.

I knew one was discovered since the song was written.

It's called lawrencium, so those of you who are taking notes can write it down in your programs.

♪ There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium ♪ ♪ And phosphorus and francium, fluorine and terbium ♪ ♪ Manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium ♪ ♪ Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium ♪ ♪ And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium ♪ ♪ Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium ♪ ♪ Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium ♪ ♪ And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium ♪ ♪ There's gold and californium and fermium, berkelium ♪ ♪ And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium ♪ ♪ And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium ♪ ♪ And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium ♪ ♪ These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard ♪ ♪ And there may be many others, but they haven't been discovered ♪ [ Applause ] Oh.

Thank you.

You may be interested to know that there is an older, much earlier version of that song, which is due to Aristotle and which goes like this.

♪♪ ♪ There's earth and air and fire and water ♪ [ Laughter and applause ] Life was much simpler in those days, yes.

>> Now I would like to say something about pornography, or as we call it in the United States, smut, wonderful word.

Yes.

There have been many cases in the American courts recently about this very problem.

The United States Supreme Court, for example, has decided that a book or a film can be banned if it arouses the prurient interests of the average person.

Now, prurient, I looked that up.

It means having itching, morbid or lewd and lascivious desires.

[ Laughter ] Now, surely that describes all of us here tonight, but I disagree with this principle because I really enjoy having my prurient interests aroused, and in fact, there's only one thing I enjoy more than having them aroused, and that is having them gratified, so as I say, I'm opposed to this, but we have marches now for peace and marches for civil rights, so I thought I would have a march for smut.

[ "Smut" plays ] ♪ Smut!

♪ Give me smut and nothing but ♪ ♪ A dirty novel I can't shut if it's uncut and unsubt-le ♪ ♪ I've never quibbled if it was ribald ♪ ♪ I would devour where others merely nibbled ♪ ♪ As the judge remarked the day that he acquitted my Aunt Hortense ♪ ♪ "To be smut, it must be utterly without redeeming social importance" ♪ ♪ Pornographic pictures I adore ♪ ♪ Indecent magazines galore ♪ I like them more if they're hardcore ♪ ♪ Bring on the obscene movies, magazines, murals, newspapers, postcards, neckties, samplers, stained glass windows, tattoos, anything ♪ ♪ More, more, I'm still not satisfied ♪ ♪ Stories of tortures used by debauchers ♪ ♪ Lurid, licentious and vile ♪ Make me smile ♪ Novels that pander to my taste for candor ♪ ♪ Give me a pleasure sublime ♪ Let's face it ♪ I love slime ♪ All books can be indecent books ♪ ♪ Though recent books are bolder ♪ ♪ For filth, I'm glad to say, is in the mind of the beholder ♪ ♪ When correctly viewed ♪ Everything is lewd ♪ I can tell you things about Peter Pan ♪ ♪ And the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man ♪ ♪ I thrill to any book like "Fanny Hill" ♪ ♪ And I suppose I always will ♪ If it is swill and really filthy ♪ ♪ Who needs a hobby like tennis or philately?

♪ ♪ I've got a hobby rereading "Lady Chatterley" ♪ ♪ But now they're trying to take it all away from us unless e take a stand, and hand in hand ♪ ♪ We fight for freedom of the press ♪ ♪ In other words, smut ♪ I love it ♪ Ah, the adventures of a slut ♪ ♪ Oh, I'm a market they can't glut ♪ ♪ I don't know what compares with smut ♪ ♪ Hip hip hooray!

♪ Let's hear it for the Supreme Court, and don't let them take it away ♪ [ Applause ] Now I'd like to tell you about a peculiar American custom of deer hunting.

I think you have a similar thing over here, but you don't go about it in the same way.

See, what happens... By the time I get back, it will be the deer hunting season, which I'm looking forward to.

What happens is men put on bright red hats, and they go out in the woods, and they shoot at each other, and there's no penalty for this, and it's a lot of fun.

So once in a while, someone even shoots a deer.

[ "Hunting Song" plays ] ♪ I always will remember ♪ 'Twas a year ago November ♪ I went out to hunt some deer on a morning bright and clear ♪ ♪ I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow ♪ ♪ Two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow ♪ ♪ I was in no mood to trifle ♪ I took down my trusty rifle ♪ And went out to stalk my prey ♪ ♪ What a haul I made that day ♪ I tied them to my fender, and I drove them home somehow ♪ ♪ Two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow ♪ ♪ The law was very firm ♪ It took away my permit ♪ The worst punishment I ever endured ♪ ♪ It turned out there was a reason ♪ ♪ Cows were out of season ♪ And one of the hunters wasn't insured ♪ ♪ People ask me how I do it ♪ And I say there's nothing to it ♪ ♪ You just stand there looking cute, and when something moves, you shoot ♪ ♪ And there's 10 stuffed heads in my trophy room right now ♪ ♪ Two game wardens, seven hunters and a purebred Guernsey cow ♪ [ Applause ] Here is a song about the nostalgia which people who come from small towns always seem to feel for their small town.

This is a very sentimental song, and if any of you feel like bursting into tears, don't be embarrassed.

Go right ahead.

[ "My Home Town" plays ] ♪ I really have a yen to go back once again ♪ ♪ Back to the place where no one wears a frown ♪ ♪ To see once more those super special just plain folks in my home town ♪ ♪ No fellow could ignore the little girl next door ♪ ♪ Ah, she sure looked sweet in her first evening gown ♪ ♪ Now there's a charge for what she used to give for free in my home town ♪ ♪ I remember Sam, the druggist on the corner ♪ ♪ He was never mean or ornery ♪ He was swell ♪ He killed his mother-in-law and ground her up real well ♪ ♪ And sprinkled just a bit over each banana split ♪ ♪ The guy that taught us math who never took a bath ♪ ♪ Acquired a certain measure of renown ♪ ♪ And after school, he sold the most amazing pictures in my home town ♪ ♪ That fellow was no fool who taught our Sunday School ♪ ♪ And neither was our kindly Parson Brown ♪ ♪ In my home town ♪ I remember Dan, ah ♪ He was the village idiot ♪ And though it seems a pity, it was so ♪ ♪ He loved to burn down houses just to watch the glow ♪ ♪ And nothing could be done because he was the mayor's son ♪ ♪ The guy that took a knife and monogrammed his wife ♪ ♪ Then dropped her in the pond and watched her drown ♪ ♪ Oh, yes indeed, the people there were just plain folks in my home town ♪ [ Applause ] A few weeks ago, the American press reported that China had exploded a nuclear bomb.

Now, this was a great step forward for China, of course, but it was an even greater step forward for the American press because it was the first time that they had ever called it China instead of Red China.

For 18 years, they've been hoping it would just go away, and it was the first time that they had called it a bomb instead of a device, so we were all very pleased at that.

Well, with all of the countries getting these bombs, it makes you sort of wonder who's next.

It all began, of course, with the United States and Great Britain.

[ "Who's Next?"

plays ] ♪ First we got the bomb and that was good ♪ ♪ 'Cause we love peace and motherhood ♪ ♪ Then Russia got the bomb, but that's okay ♪ ♪ 'Cause the balance of power's maintained that way ♪ ♪ Who's next?

♪ France got the bomb, but don't you grieve ♪ ♪ 'Cause they're on our side, I believe ♪ ♪ China got the bomb, but have no fears ♪ ♪ They can't wipe us out for at least 5 years ♪ ♪ Who's next?

♪ Then Indonesia claimed that they were gonna get one any day ♪ ♪ South Africa wants two ♪ That's right ♪ One for the black, and one for the white ♪ ♪ Who's next?

♪ Egypt is gonna get one, too ♪ Just to use on you-know-who ♪ So Israel is getting tense ♪ Wants one in self-defense ♪ "The Lord is our shepherd," says the psalm ♪ ♪ But just in case, we better get a bomb ♪ ♪ Who's next?

♪ Luxembourg is next to go ♪ And who knows?

♪ Maybe Monaco ♪ We'll try to stay serene and calm ♪ ♪ When Alabama gets the bomb ♪ Who's next?

♪ Who's next?

♪ Who's next?

♪ Who's next?

[ Applause ] I don't think people have enough fun nowadays, and I'm sure you all know the old since I've been here, which says... [ Speaks Danish ] And I see you understand.

And here is a way, then, for you to get more out of life next spring.

[ "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" plays ] ♪ Spring is here ♪ Spring is here ♪ Life is skittles, and life is beer ♪ ♪ I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring ♪ ♪ I do, don't you?

♪ Course you do ♪ But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me ♪ ♪ And makes every Sunday a treat for me ♪ ♪ All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon ♪ ♪ When we're poisoning pigeons in the park ♪ ♪ Every Sunday, you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park ♪ ♪ When they see us coming, the birdies all try and hide ♪ ♪ But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide ♪ ♪ The sun's shining bright ♪ Everything seems all right ♪ When we're poisoning pigeons in the park ♪ ♪ We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety ♪ ♪ In the Audubon Society with our games ♪ ♪ They call it impiety and lack of propriety ♪ ♪ And quite a variety of unpleasant names ♪ ♪ But it's not against any religion ♪ ♪ To want to dispose of a pigeon ♪ ♪ So if, Sunday, you're free ♪ Why don't you come with me and we'll poison the pigeons in the park?

♪ ♪ And maybe we'll do in a sparrow or two ♪ ♪ While we're poisoning pigeons in the park ♪ ♪ We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment ♪ ♪ Except for the few we take home to experiment ♪ ♪ My pulse will be quickening with each drop of strychnine we feed to a pigeon ♪ ♪ It just takes a smidgen to poison a pigeon in the park ♪ [ Applause ] >> Now, one week in February every year in the United States is officially designated as National Brotherhood Week.

[ Laughter ] I have to explain that to you.

What it means is that during that week, everybody must stop whatever they're doing -- burning, killing, whatever -- and love everybody else.

I'm sure you all agree that we ought to love one another, and we know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

So here is a song about National Brotherhood Week.

[ "National Brotherhood Week" plays ] ♪ Oh, the white folks hate the black folks ♪ ♪ And the black folks hate the white folks ♪ ♪ To hate all but the right folks is an old established rule ♪ ♪ But during National Brotherhood Week ♪ ♪ National Brotherhood Week ♪ See Cassius Clay and Mrs. Wallace dancing cheek to cheek, it's ♪ ♪ Fun to eulogize the people you despise ♪ ♪ As long you don't let them in your school ♪ ♪ Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks ♪ ♪ And the rich folks hate the poor folks ♪ ♪ All of my folks hate all of your folks ♪ ♪ It's American as apple pie ♪ But during National Brotherhood Week ♪ ♪ National Brotherhood Week ♪ New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans 'cause it's very chic ♪ ♪ Step up and shake the hand of someone you can't stand ♪ ♪ You can tolerate him if you try ♪ ♪ Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics ♪ ♪ And the Catholics hate the Protestants ♪ ♪ And the Hindus hate the Muslims ♪ ♪ And everybody hates the Jews ♪ ♪ But during National Brotherhood Week ♪ ♪ National Brotherhood Week, it's National Everyone Smile At One Another-hood Week, be ♪ ♪ Nice to people who are inferior to you ♪ ♪ It's only for a week, so have no fear ♪ ♪ Be grateful that it doesn't last all year ♪ If this were an American television program, at this point, there would be a pause for a commercial, so to make me feel at home, I will deliver a short commercial.

All these songs are from phonograph records which I have made, and so if you don't have them, rush down to your stores tomorrow, to the local record shop, and get them.

[ Laughter ] And if the owner of your record shop does not have these records, I would appreciate it if you would punch him right in the teeth.

That's the end of the commercial.

Now, let me do a little bragging about our country for a moment, a little blatant chauvinism here.

Of course America is the foremost nuclear nation, and what made that possible, and what will make it possible for us to spend $20 thousand million of our taxpayers' money to put some idiot on the moon?

Well, it's the superiority of American technology, of course, as inspired by our great American scientists such as Dr. Wernher von Braun.

[ "Wehrner von Braun" plays ] ♪ Gather round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun ♪ ♪ A man whose allegiance is ruled by expedience ♪ ♪ Call him a Nazi ♪ He won't even frown ♪ "Ha, Nazi, Schmazi," says Wernher von Braun ♪ ♪ Don't say that he's hypocritical ♪ ♪ Say rather that's he's apolitical ♪ ♪ "Once rockets are up, who cares where they come down?

♪ ♪ That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun ♪ ♪ Some have harsh words for this man of renown ♪ ♪ But some think our attitude should be one of gratitude ♪ ♪ Like the widows and cripples in old London town ♪ ♪ Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun ♪ ♪ You, too, may be a big hero once you've learned to count backwards to zero ♪ ♪ "In German oder Englisch, I know how to count down, und I'm learning Chinese," says Wernher von Braun ♪ [ Applause ] Now, every great war produces its great hit songs, and after the war is over, we like to gather around the piano and sing these songs.

We enjoy singing the songs because they remind us of how much we enjoyed the war.

Now, World War III, of course, is almost upon us, as you know, by popular demand, and it occurred to me that if any songs are going to come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now, so I have one here.

This is a song that some of the boys might have sung to their mothers as they might have gone bravely off to World War III.

Oh, I should explain.

In this song, there's a reference to our two leading television commentators, Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.

I thought this is particularly appropriate since, of course, as you know, World War III will be the first war to be on television, first world war, anyway.

I certainly hope we all have color television by then.

[ Laughter ] [ "So Long, Mom (A Song for World War III)" plays ] [ Applause ] ♪♪ ♪ So long, Mom ♪ I'm off to drop the bomb ♪ So don't wait up for me ♪ But while you swelter down there in your shelter ♪ ♪ You can see me on your TV ♪ While we're attacking frontally, watch Brinkley and Huntley ♪ ♪ Describing contrapuntally the cities we have lost ♪ ♪ No need for you to miss a minute of the agonizing holocaust ♪ ♪ Yeah!

♪ Little Johnny Jones, he was a U.S. pilot ♪ ♪ And no shrinking violet was he ♪ ♪ He was mighty proud when World War III was declared ♪ ♪ He wasn't scared ♪ No, sirree!

♪ And this is what he said on his way to Armageddon ♪ ♪ So long, Mom ♪ I'm off to drop the bomb ♪ So don't wait up for me ♪ But though I may roam ♪ I'll come back to my home ♪ Although it may be a pile of debris ♪ ♪ Remember, Mommy ♪ I'm off to get a Commie ♪ So send me a salami ♪ And try to smile somehow ♪ I'll look for you when the war is over ♪ ♪ An hour and a half from now [ Applause ] Well, it seems we have time for one more, and this is one I always like to close with.

Recently, there has been a great deal of ferment in the Roman Catholic Church involving more liberal changes.

In particular, they have permitted the use of vernacular language instead of Latin in portions of the mass.

They have made optional the eating of meat on Friday.

This pleased me very much because I always felt there was a basic inconsistency in the church dogma there.

You see, it was all right for a soldier to kill a man on Friday, but it was a sin to eat him, so, also, they have permitted the use of some secular music in portions of the liturgy, and I think that last was a particularly good idea and inspired me with the thought that if they really want to sell what they have to sell, what they should do is redo some of the liturgical music in real popular song forms, so I tried one with the ragtime form, and it is called "The Vatican Rag."

♪♪ ♪ First you get down on your knees ♪ ♪ Fiddle with your rosaries ♪ Bow your head with great respect ♪ ♪ And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect ♪ ♪ Do whatever steps you want ♪ If you have cleared them with the pontiff ♪ ♪ Everybody say his own ♪ Kyrie eleison ♪ ♪ Doing the Vatican rag ♪♪ ♪ Get in line in that processional ♪ ♪ Step into that small confessional ♪ ♪ There, the guy who's got religion will ♪ ♪ Tell you if your sin's original ♪ ♪ If it is, try playing it safer ♪ ♪ Drink the wine and chew the wafer ♪ ♪ Two, four, six, eight ♪ Time to transubstantiate ♪ So get down upon your knees ♪ Fiddle with your rosaries ♪ Bow your head with great respect ♪ ♪ And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect ♪ ♪ Make a cross on your abdomen ♪ When in Rome, do like a Roman ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ Gee, it's good to see ya ♪ Getting ecstatic and sort of dramatic and ♪ ♪ Doing the Vatican rag [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ]