NARRATOR: Fully one third of transgender youth in America have reported a suicide attempt in the last year.

Behind this chilling statistic is the specter of trans representation in the media that veers from the pathological to the horrific.

Next on our time, filmmakers Amber Young and Delaney Maeve tackle trans representation in very personal stories, allowing families to talk openly about gender.

And stay tuned afterwards for an interview with one of the filmmakers and a clinical therapist.

[upbeat music] BOY: Why don't people understand me?

BOY: I'm tired of running so fast.

GIRL: I want to be heard.

BOY: Why are people afraid?

I'm ready for change.

I hear you.

I see you.

GIRL: My time...

BOY: My time... Our time is now.

NARRATOR: Major funding for this program is provided by: The Russell Grinnell Memorial Trust, Steve and Mary Anne Walldorf, and Betsy and Warren Dean.

Additional funding is provided by: Arts in Society the Joseph Henry Edmondson Foundation, the Bee Vradenburg Foundation, The Buck Foundation, The Calm Foundation, the Kirkpatrick Family Fund, the Cultural Office of the Pikes Peak Region, and Will Stoller-Lee.

MAC: Found the perfect girl for Charlie!

Smart, beautiful, the whole thing!

- Where?!

Right there.

- Over by the pool table?

- Yeah.

Nice!

- That's great, Mac.

- Good work, Mac.

- That's a dude.

You're different from most girls.

I'm a man!

And I'm a man too.

[the crowd shouts] AMBER: I was a very queer and trans kid.

Like, even, like when I came out in, like, the fifth grade or whatever, my mom was like: “Oh, yeah, we definitely thought you were gay.

” I wanted to wear dresses like my sister did, and she dressed me up.

But when I brought it up to people at school at my preschool, they made fun of me for it.

So then I didn't express that part of myself for a really long time.

HEIDI: We're at the IvyWild School in Colorado Springs at my wife's store, Odds and Ends Emporium.

This whole building used to be a school, and this room used to be a classroom.

And now it's a toy store with profanity.

[OFF SCREEN GIGGLES] I'm Heidi Beedle.

I'm 38 years old.

My pronouns are she/her/hers, and I am a reporter for the Colorado Times Recorder where I write about politics and reproductive justice.

That's cool.

When did you realize you were trans?

Yeah, um, I guess... You know, when I was a kid, like six or seven.

And I distinctly remember thinking, I wish I could be a girl and I could, you know... Identifying with, like, girl characters and things.

So, like, what was like the first trans woman or like gender nonconformity you saw in media?

Probably like Bugs Bunny on like Looney Tunes in drag.

I remember when Ace Ventura came out.

Like, that was a big, like, popular movie.

And of course, the twist of the film is the fact that one of the characters is actually trans.

Einhorn is a man!

HEIDI: And then there's this like... profound, extended scene It's just gratuitous... of Ace Ventura kind of expressing his disgust over having kissed a transgender woman.

What I grew up, like, being trans wasn't really an option.

Like, it wasn't seriously something anyone could do.

And that was, like, reaffirmed, like, in media.

In reaction that people have against trans people.

[hyperbolic dramatic music] AMBER: While that seems really harmless, It's not.

This perception that, like, we are gay men that are trying to like trick your poor straight sons into, like, deviant homosexual sex.

I feel like that's so gross.

If you look at pretty much any case of a trans woman being murdered, it's because their partner or sexual partner figured out that they were trans and then killed them because of it.

Last year, the Human Rights Campaign tracked at least 26 deaths due to fatal violence.

The majority of victims were black transgender women.

At least 44 trans or gender non-conforming people were murdered in 2020.

And investigators are looking into a hate crime after three transgender women were attacked.

The victims say instead of helping them, witnesses mocked them.

James Dixon admitted to the police, but he'd beaten Nettles to death.

I just think, you know, didn't want to be fooled, you know.

I — took a lot, you know, my pride was at stake.

The gay and trans panic defense or LGBTQ+ panic defense is a defense used by individuals who seek to evade personal responsibility for violent crimes, including murder.

CROWD: Protect trans students!

Trans equality now!

Trans equality now!

HEIDI: You know, I grew up in the era of, you know, Jerry Springer.

You'd watch like daytime TV and they would do these kind of sensational transsexual episodes.

“She used to be a he!

” and that kind of thing.

[EXPLETIVE] What do you mean you're a man?

And those are some of my first experiences with trans people in media.

How did that make you feel?

Pretty bad.

I mean, I stayed in the closet.

The idea of like telling my dad that I was going to be a woman just seemed impossible, you know, and ridiculous.

And it made me join the army.

I mean, I thought, you know, they said it'll... “It'll make a man out ya!

” Um, it didn't.

I was in from 2003 to 2011.

And that was, like, Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I mean, everything was pretty explicitly homophobic.

I really tried hard to be that, like, toxic masculine dude-bro...

Guy...

Person... Um, and I was not very good at it.

AMBER: I'm a very big believer that gender roles hurt everybody in society and a lot of these like transphobic stereotypes, they kind of are based off of those gender roles.

You know, a perfect example of bad psychology sort of permeating popular culture is Silence of the Lambs.

Billy is not a real transsexual, but he thinks he is.

He tries to be he's tried to be a lot of things, I expect.

HEIDI: They're talking about the antagonist in the film who is a failed transsexual, who is murdering women because he wasn't allowed to transition.

If Buffalo Bill had just been given like hormones and, you know, a support group, he probably would have been fine.

Nobody would have been murdered.

Right?

But...

I feel like most media portrayals of trans women portray us as like predators and victimizers.

Like, I rewatched Sleepaway Camp recently.

- How can it be?

AMBER: It kind of portrays us as both - My God, she's a boy!

AMBER: The main character in that movie... She was, like, forced to change her gender.

- I mean.

We already have a boy.

So another one simply would not do.

Oh, no.

AMBER: And then she has, like, PTSD from it.

And then she kills everyone who was mean to her.

It's something that happens in a lot of media.

The revealing of their trans identity also correlates with the reveal of them being the bad guy.

- He tried to be his mother and, uh, now he is.

AMBER: So it's like, “This person's a murderer, “but they're also a tranny, ahh!

” [GUNSHOT] AMBER: I've met so many trans women who are like massive fans of body horror movies.

HEIDI: You know, Cronenberg, everybody loves him when you talk about body horror.

But I mean, like, The Fly.

AMBER: One of my favorite body horror movies is Tetsuo the Iron Man.

The whole movie is about a man whose flesh is turning into metal.

I think I was in sixth grade and I was in the bathroom and I noticed that I hadfacial hair.

And then I just went into the stall and I sobbed for like 20 minutes before I went back to class.

I imagine I would react very similarly if I started turning into a giant fly or started turning into metal.

That's what it feels like.

Your body is changing in ways that are grotesque and horrifying to you.

It's this process and you have to, like, cope with the changes and you have to adapt to them.

And you come out the other side of that experience as something different.

And I think that's really cool.

You know, cis people don't get to experience that, so.

- ♪ I'm just a sweet transvestite From transexual Transylvania!

AMBER: I really, really love that movie.

But thinking more about trans people in media and then watching that movie, it kind of brings up some stuff I didn't really notice.

- ♪ I love you!

- [GASP] AMBER: Cis-het people, like Brad and Janet, they're the victims and they're being, like, groomed and brainwashed into the evil queer degeneracy or whatever.

- Oh!

Like, queer people love that movie.

Gay people love Rocky Horror Picture Show.

But... the horror stems around gender nonconformity.

AMBER: I know a lot of trans women have negative opinions about drag, like they think drag is like laughing at them or whatever.

And I can definitely understand that.

But I don't think that drag is very malicious towards trans people.

And I do think that it's a cool thing.

I don't know if I would say, like, Divine is an example of like good trans representation, but I feel like John Waters films where, you know, you're not just seeing some like tragic trans woman who's upset that she can't transition.

AMBER: I feel like they're so explicitly made for, like, queer people.

Like queer people made them.

It's like an “EF-you!

” to, like, respectability politics.

- Could you give us some of your political beliefs?

- Kill everyone now.

Condone first degree murder, Advocate cannibalism.

Eat [EXPLETIVE] Filth are my politics, filth is my life.

Take whatever you like!

AMBER: I feel like it uses the stereotypes very purposely to-- This message of,like, the things you want us to...

The specific things you want us to do in order to gain your respect are so stupid.

If you're not going to accept us at our worst, then you don't accept us at all.

I think that me being trans gives me a better perception of who I am in bigger ways.

Like I feel like I'm a much more emotionally intelligent person and a much more empathetic person because of it.

HEIDI: I was worried that, like, by coming out, my family would kind of like break up.

Honestly, I feel like transitioning saved my relationship with my children.

You know, I was not who I needed to be.

As myself, you know, I'm a much better mom than I was a dad, I guess.

I'm trans, Norma.

And I can choose if and when I tell people.

I've never been happier.

HEIDI: I just watch this show with my son.

You can include trans characters without making it the entire plot of the show, and that's a really good example.

There are trans novels, there are films with trans characters.

We're becoming part of the cultural landscape.

Whether Transphobes, like it or not.

- Who's Victor?

- I Am.

It's who I've always been.

HEIDI: Things are better now than when I was in high school, and I imagine hopefully 20 years from now they will be better than they are now.

NARRATOR: Films in this series are made by teens in partnership with professional filmmakers in the Youth Documentary Academy.

Young people in the program are empowered to locate and craft their own stories through the art of documentary film.

♪ It's just that this doesn't resemble you at all, actually.

Actually, I'm sorry.

I'm literally just doodling.

- That's okay.

Just have fun with it.

It doesn't have to look like me.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Did you have trans people in your school?

- Well, we did, but I didn't know.

I wasn't connected with...

I didn't know anybody that was queer.

I am a woman.

I know that.

But I am not what society deems as what a woman is.

- Did you come out as gay first, or did you go straight to trans?

JOSIE: I mean, I'm not.

I mean, I was straight before it, but like... Lesbian.

- Lesian, yeah.

JOSIE: And you get so entrenched in your little gender role that you're just like: Beep-boop, beep-boop!

Yeah.

DELANEY: It almost trained me... Not to come out or express myself.

I have four brothers and like... - Right.

DELANEY: They're all kind of like those... Kind of like dude-bros.

So is a lot of like it was okay to make fun of gay and like trans people, - Which it's not.

- So like, trying, to come out My parents are I was like, why didn't you come out earlier?

Um, what do you mean?

[chuckle] - This is why.

It makes me too sad to talk about my family.

- Yeah.

JOSIE: The realization for me was during the five month quarantine period, and so I didn't really have to, like, perform for anybody who I thought I was.

- Yeah.

JOSIE: And so that's when the realization hit me.

“Wait, am I a girl?

” DELANEY: I want to dress, like, super femme and be like, “Hey, look at me, like, I'm just like you.

” - Yeah, but, like, super femme Not in a...in a... “Oh, the're obviously trans.

” “And they're obviously feminine because they're trans.

” And I'm like, No, I'm feminine because I want to be feminine because it makes me feel nice.

DELANEY: I wouldn't get caught, but...

I would almost get caught, like...

I would accidentally not put, like... one of my mom's like clothing back in the right spot and they'd be like, was someone like wearing this?

And I'd almost always blame it on my older brother.

[laughing] That's..!

She'd be like, “Ugh.

” “Was Murry wearing my skinny jeans again?

” And I was like, Yeah, I am a trans girl.

But so often I feel uncomfortable in feminine clothing.

- Mhm.

- It's like I feel good and bad in it.

It's almost like a costume.

- Yeah.

JOSIE: That's not how I feel about myself, but it's how others have made me feel about myself.

Like their perception of me has always been 'costumed'.

Because I'm like, Is this me?

Is this even clothing that I like?

It is most of the time.

It's just like cis, straight girls who just “Yas, Queen!

” me to death.

It's so annoying.

It makes me feel like I'm in drag.

- Yeah.

- Oh, look, I'm just a little toy for this cis girl to, like, participate in gay culture with My dysphoria almost always stems from, like, my voice.

DELANEY: I don't want to talk because I don't want people to like... - Yeah.

- It's usually how they, like, 'catch me' if that's the right word - Catch you!

- It's like, oh, [EXPLETIVE] It's like...I can see it in their eyes.

Like I've seen it before where like... like I'll be talking to someone, and like...

I like...

I speak and my voice slips and it goes a little deeper and then like you can see like the switch in their eyes and it's like a very disappointing thing.

And it's like - That always makes me want to like cry - Yeah.

- I hate that so much.

Sometimes I feel weird when people use feminine terms for me or “she/her ” Not because they don't make me feel good.

It's just who is saying them.

DELANEY: I felt that a lot when I worked at like...

The old people home.

I hid that I was trans and even on hormones, like even just starting off, I would like...

There was a lot of me, like pretending that I wasn't trans Like, some old ladies would call me she/her.

- Aww.

- Like this is really sweet, like... - Yeah.

It was almost twisted in a way, because it was like...

They just didn't know any better - Mmm.

- And some of the other ones would be like they would point out that they were like, That's not a girl, that's a boy.

I just be like, I'd be like, like rolling them around, like, “don't listen to them.

” I'm whispering: I'm like, “Don't [expletive] listen to them!

” “They're senile, they're old!

” [laughing] JOSIE: They're senile.

They're old.

They don't know what they're talking about.

DELANEY: I just feel like... when it's like someone does do it right it's like, over the moon, it's like, oh my God, like, thank you.

Like, yeah.

JOSIE: I did have a moment with a cis man at my work.

I was taking a shopping cart of groceries to a person's house because it's right across the street.

“Tip the tip, the delivery man ” “Don't forget to tip the delivery man.

” And then.

And then.

And then he goes like this.

And he goes: “Man... gi-- ma'am, girl!

” Or it was like it was a change where he looked at me like closer.

And then he was like, Girl.

Normally when people look at you closer, they're trying to be like... - Yeah.

You a dude?

Are you a girl?

I don't know.

To feel normal.

Sometimes you just have to be around other trans people.

- Mm hmm.

Yeah.

- Because then it is normal.

And I think that's what so much of it is about the trans identity, it's just feeling like you're alone.

Like, am I the only thing that's like this in the universe?

It's not.

It's a completely normal thing.

Euphoria is such a nice part of... - Yeah.

- Yeah.

It's like when my earlier memories of like being trans it's stems from that like people think it's more like it stems from dysphoria.

I feel like most of the time for me it was Like, you know what I mean?

- Right.

Yeah.

- Other people [expletive] up.

Make you feel [expletive].

But is there any way that people can learn and not do that, you know, like... - What I can say is: Is don't demand an education from trans people.

It is incredibly emotionally exhausting.

And it is incredibly... it takes so much time And oftentimes just ruins my day.

- Yeah.

When people are like: “what are you?

” I'm like... A bitch.

Get the [expletive] out of my face right now.

Arghhhh!

- I fee like [coughs] Sorry, you made me choke.

Do you want to see my painting?

- I want to see your painting.

- All right.

-Do you want to show me first?

-You're, the guest.

We'll show you first.

♪ [gasp] Aww!

[clapping] Not very “Aww, ” It looks pretty terr- - I see the textures that you were talking about.

Okay, I guess I'll show it to the camera first too.

[indistinct noise] Okay, ready?

- Yeah.

DELANEY: I didn't get the curls right, but like.

I tried my best.

[laughing] The silence...

I wanna cry, that's... Can I hold it?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, sure.

I gave you a little... What are they called?

Is that a halo?

- Yeah.

A halo, that's what it is.

Mmm.

[laughing] I'm not going to cry and ruin...

I'm not going to cry and ruin my makeup!

Aww!

Here, I'll give you a hug.

- Thank you!

- You did great.

- Take this, take this.

- Okay.

You did good.

You're great.

It's over.

♪ I made my film Transforming Media because I felt the topics it discusses, like media literacy aren't something that gets a lot of attention.

Even if you just watch like Marvel blockbusters with trillion dollar budgets and A-lister celebrities or whatever, they are still saying something.

♪ My biggest challenge in making my film was probably becoming more vulnerable on camera with the knowledge of how many people will see it.

I learned a lot about what goes into making a film.

I remember with our shoot with Heidi that took us like 2 hours to get all the cameras and lights ready, and That almost took as long, if not longer, than the actual shoot.

CREW: Okay, rolling.

Rolling.

- Okay.

It was a really good experience talking to Heidi.

There is a big conversation that we had about trans representation in music.

- Just being trans affects the art you make so much.

Even if you aren't out yet or if you haven't come to terms with it.

[somber music] - Gender is everywhere.

Colors are gendered.

Hand lotion is gendered.

Pants are gendered.

A lot of times that connection with gender, those questions don't start getting asked until that connection is lost.

Until I no longer feel the association with this thing.

Growing up in a world that is not particularly friendly to being trans creates some panic.

It creates this fear.

And when that fear and when that pain grows to a certain breaking point, then we start to see the higher risk of suicidality.

To ignore this increased rate, to ignore what causes it, to ignore the environment that this is occurring in is what perpetuates it.

And if I don't ask, I don't know.

And we as a culture and not a culture of asking, I look, I know.

I have to know.

If I don't know, I'm stupid.

A lot of times what I notice in the families is they're just missing that education.

And it's not usually about hate.

It's usually about being misinformed.

It's usually about just not knowing.

I hope that when people see the film, they won't think of it as like a trans film or whatever, because I don't think the trans part is really the most interesting part about the film.

I hope that they think more about how they should think about the media that they're watching.

When a family is brought together and when a family is allowed to be themselves and a lot of the outside pressures start getting lifted, they're so much more connected because ultimately they love each other.

NARRATOR: Major funding for this program is provided by: The Russell Grinnell Memorial Trust, Steve and Mary Anne Walldorf, and Betsy and Warren Dean.

Additional funding is provided by: Arts in Society the Joseph Henry Edmondson Foundation, the Bee Vradenburg Foundation, The Buck Foundation, The Calm Foundation, the Kirkpatrick Family Fund, the Cultural Office of the Pikes Peak Region, and Will Stoller-Lee.

For more information, additional resources, Or to watch Our Time films, please visit: www.youthdocumentary.org