>> Hi.

I'm Lewis Howes, New York Times best-selling author and entrepreneur.

And welcome to "The School of Greatness," where we interview the most influential minds and leaders in the world to inspire you to live your best life today.

In this episode, we sit down with Vanessa Van Edwards.

She's a behavioral investigator and a best-selling author and is also known for helping introverts leverage their strengths, teaching awkward people how to feel more confident, and showing top performers and achievers how to activate their secret skills.

Today, she shares how to develop confidence and be more charismatic, how to create trust and reliability, and the fascinating research around social cues that you need to know to improve the quality of your relationships.

I'm so glad you're here today.

So, let's dive in and let the class begin.

♪ ♪ ♪ You see a lot of these videos online talking about how charismatic someone is based on the way they smile, their eyes... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...the tilt of the chin or all these different things.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Is it important to be charismatic?

Let's talk about that first.

>> Yes.

>> Is it valuable and more important to be charismatic versus less charismatic... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...less... >> To the point?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, credible or competent.

>> Just to the point or neutral energy.

I mean, what's more valuable in society, in accomplishing goals and getting what you want?

>> Mm-hmm.

Okay.

>> Very charismatic or neutral?

>> Neutral.

Okay, so, this is the biggest mistake, I think, facing really, really smart people.

I think really, really smart people, and this is most of my students.

They're, like, off-the-charts smart, creative, brilliant.

They make the mistake of thinking, "If I have enough book smarts, if I have enough technology smarts, I don't need the people smarts."

>> Mm.

>> Now, very highly charismatic people have to have the perfect blend of two traits.

And this is where it's really -- this is why highly charismatic people are so unique, and this is why we love them so much.

To be highly charismatic, to be compelling, to be captivating, you must have a perfect blend of warmth and competence.

Very, very smart people make the mistake of showing up as all competent.

They try to blow you away with their numbers and their facts and their stats and their data, but they're seen as cold.

>> Yeah.

>> They're seen as intimidating.

On the other side, you have people who are highly warm.

They have competence, but there's not a balance.

They show up as highly likable, highly friendly, but they're interrupted.

They're told that they're not being taken seriously.

>> They're not credible.

>> Right.

People forget having met them before.

>> Mm.

>> And so, I think that most people problems -- I'm even going to say all people problems.

>> Interesting.

>> All people problems stem from an imbalance between your warmth and competence.

And so, not only do I think that charisma is essential for being successful, I actually think it's the only way that people will be open to your competence.

>> So, you could be all the book smarts in the world.

>> Yeah.

>> You could have the highest IQ and remember everything on any test, or you could be an encyclopedia of wisdom and information.

>> Yeah.

Yeah.

>> But what I'm hearing you say, if you don't have charisma... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...at least some of it, then people won't take you seriously, or they won't care as much, or they won't be as engaged?

It's not just engaged.

There's two questions that humans ask themselves about the person they're with, and this happens immediately in every interaction.

By the way, video, too.

We forget that this is not just in person.

This is happening the moment you pop on video.

It's happening the moment someone opens your LinkedIn profile.

I did a whole bunch of research on LinkedIn profiles specifically because that's where a lot of our first impressions are happening.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

When people see your LinkedIn profile, when people see you on video, on Zoom, the first question they ask themselves, and it is chronological.

The first question they ask is, "Can I trust you?"

Basic instinct.

"Are you going to be my ally or my enemy?

Can I trust you?"

The very second question they ask is, "Can I rely on you?"

So, when you're in a meeting, on a date, in a call, in a pitch, a negotiation, on LinkedIn, the two signals that you want to cue people with as quickly as possible is, "Yes, you can trust me" and "Yes, you can rely on me."

The problem is, is that most professionals right now are going mute.

So, I don't know if you've noticed this, but it feels like in the last 5 or 10 years we've gone towards ambivalence.

You know, we've gone towards "I'm not going to show anything.

I'm going to be as 'professional' and sterile as possible."

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And so, we've taken out cues from all these assets, and then people have a really hard time trusting us.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> They have a really hard time listening to us.

We wonder why people are slow to reply to our e-mails.

It's because we're not cueing enough.

We have to have hundreds of cues to answer those two questions.

>> Interesting.

Is it better to smile without teeth or with teeth?

>> What research found is that a real smile, whether it shows teeth or not, the biggest difference is it has to reach up here.

>> The eyes.

>> The upper-cheek muscles, actually.

So, those eye crinkles.

Yeah, those eye crinkles.

>> I do that a lot, though.

I feel like I squint a lot when I'm -- yeah.

>> Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You got a little "smizing," right?

>> Yeah.

>> So, that's actually the only cue we're looking for.

So, it actually does not matter.

So, if you have a profile picture, a dating-profile picture, a LinkedIn-profile picture, I either want you neutral or with eye crinkles, but it has to engage those upper-cheek muscles.

What Dr. Barbara Wild found is that when they showed pictures of people with the fake smile and a real smile, the real smile was contagious.

So, when people looked at the real smile, they themselves felt happier.

>> Mm.

>> When they looked at the fake smile, they felt no mood change.

>> Interesting.

>> So, the reason why that's important is I think that we think about, like, "Oh, I want to show up.

I want to be really my most confident self."

But what we don't realize is that our cues are contagious.

>> Yes.

>> That if you show authentic happiness, you are more likely to infect happiness.

Actually, there's one more face cue I want to talk about.

So, this is the cue that sort of started me on this crazy journey, and it got me -- I'm a recovering awkward person, as you know.

>> Yes.

Introvert.

>> So, this gave me a lot of relief.

Introvert, awkward person, social anxiety, all the good things.

So...

So, this story gave me so much relief.

What they found was if you are in a room, and someone gives you a cue of social rejection -- >> What does that look like?

>> Okay, so, social rejection -- eye roll, a sigh... [ Sighs ] >> Looking away.

>> Right, looking away, distancing behavior, when we pull our head back and, like, when I angle my head back you know I've just disengaged from you.

>> Crossing arms and... >> When we see a cue of social rejection, our field of vision increases.

>> We see wider.

>> We literally see wider.

Our pupils dilate.

So, we see more.

The reason why that study was like a light bulb for me was our cues are affecting other's physiology.

Our physiology can change in a room in an instant.

If we walk into a meeting, and we feel not liked, if we feel rejected, if we feel like we're being judged, our own physiology responds.

So, if we're in a room, and we're not feeling confident or in control, and someone sends us a cue of rejection, one, you want to know what those are, because it makes your field of vision bigger so you can see "Who else is sending me a cue?

What's my escape route?"

That's literally what your body is trying to do.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Ups your adrenaline, ups your cortisol, and no one can think well -- adrenaline, cortisol.

That's why in a meeting it can go downhill so quickly.

>> Yeah.

>> You're in a presentation.

You prepared all week.

>> Ah, you're like...yeah.

>> And then you're like, "Oh, he just rolled his eyes."

"Oh, she just turned away."

"Oh, I just saw a weird foot movement.

Uh..." And then you lose your spot, you blank out, and the rest of the presentation goes badly.

The good news is, is what Matthew Lieberman found.

This is from UCLA.

Once you label a cue...

So, if you say, "That was an eye roll.

That was a scoff of exasperation.

That was a contempt smirk."

The moment you label it, your amygdala calms down.

They've proven that if they -- when people are in fMRI machines and they show them a fearful face -- so, a fearful face is when we widen the whites of our eyes, and we raise our eyebrows up.

If you're lying in an fMRI machine, and you see fear, you will begin to feel afraid.

Your amygdala begins to activate, and your body goes, "Well, if he's afraid, I better be afraid."

But the moment you say in the fMRI, "Whew.

That's just fear," your amygdala stops responding.

>> Interesting.

>> So, I think I've had a really hard time finding confidence.

It's been a long, lifetime journey.

The way that I have sort of back-doored into confidence is control.

If I can control the cues that are being sent to me, if I can control the cues I'm sending to others, it's a secret back door into confidence.

>> How do you control someone else's cues?

>> You label them and respond appropriately.

So... >> So, you can't control how they act towards you, but you can control how you react to it, how you interpret it, how you transition afterwards.

>> Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, like, you can -- first, by labeling it, you just controlled your own physiology.

So, if someone sends you a contempt, an eye roll, you just took control.

You took control back of "Nope, I see it.

I spot it.

I'm disengaging it."

>> You know, in the vulnerability world, when you, you know, label the shame, when you speak about the shame, when you bring it to the light, it becomes less scary.

>> Mm.

>> It doesn't stay stuck inside of you.

So, even just acknowledging it is a helpful tool to process shame, or I guess fear of... >> And social rejection.

>> ...social rejection.

>> Ahh!

It's the same, actually.

So, for vulnerability, yes.

you're afraid, you acknowledge it, it makes it less scary.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's the same thing in social settings.

Dates, professional situations, negotiations, interviews -- the moment you say, "Okay, I just heard an exasperated tone of voice," or "I just saw a lid flex.

I know."

>> A lid flex?

>> A lid flex.

>> Is that an eyelid?

>> Yes, it is.

>> Is it like a, like a, like a twitch or what?

>> Okay, okay.

So, here's -- >> Like a "Hmm?"

>> How do we control?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

You just did it.

Okay.

Women and men both want partners who are deeply scrutinizing, who are deeply looking at them.

So, if I'm sitting when talking to you, and I go, "Oh, really?"

I just showed you, "Wow, that was super-interesting."

In fact, when we flex our lids, we're going from just listening to thinking deeply.

>> Interesting.

>> We're literally trying to see something better.

So, if you're in a negotiation or on a date or with a friend, and they go, "Really?"

And they harden their lower lids, you are like, "Ooh, ding, ding.

I just hit something good."

I was in a meeting, and it was a small group, and I was in a particular part of my presentation, talking about chemicals.

And I noticed an executive across the room flex his lower lids at me, kind of flex his lower lids.

He's looking at the slide, and I was like, "Okay, what's happening?"

He just went from listening to scrutinizing.

And so, I paused -- it was a small group -- and I said, "All good?

Any questions?"

And I literally looked right at him, and I opened up my palms and I said, "Any questions?"

So, this is the universal signal for openness.

It literally means "I want to receive."

>> "I'll share anything you..." >> Yes.

>> Yeah.

>> It's literally like, "Let me receive.

Let me be open to you."

And he went, "Yeah, you know, I do have a question."

And at the time, I was teaching about oxytocin.

He goes, "I don't understand something.

Isn't oxytocin what they give women to induce labor?"

And I'm like, "You are right, sir.

They do give oxytocin, and that's because it's so powerful that it can induce labor."

>> Interesting.

But in our position, it's for social bonding.

It was such a good teaching moment because he immediately felt heard.

And I know that if I hadn't addressed that concern right then and there, I would have lost him.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> He would have been like, "What?"

He would have been stuck on that one slide.

And afterwards he said to me, "You know, I really feel like you were teaching to us."

>> "Teaching to me."

Yeah, yeah.

>> Literally teaching to him.

And so, I think the other way that we can control the cues is we spot it, and then we say, "How can I honor it?"

Like, that's the gift that we can give people is I can be sitting with someone and say, "I want to listen to you so deeply.

I want to listen to your words.

I want to watch your facial expressions."

>> Yeah.

"I will listen to your...

I want to even listen to your voice tone."

I mean, we haven't even talked about vocal power, which here is incredibly important.

And not only do I want to spot that, I want to respond in the way that you feel the most heard by me.

So, it's spotting and honoring.

>> And by doing that, if you're in a presentation, whether you actually acknowledge the person or not, are you just saying that it will bring you back to a more centered place so you can continue on the presentation?

>> Exactly.

It makes you feel in control of the narrative.

>> Got you.

>> It makes you feel in control of.

And, like, even for introverts -- right?

-- like, introverts, it's much harder for us to share a lot of verbal content.

So, for us, I want to give you more control over the nonverbal so that when you do speak, it's more powerful.

>> Can you talk to me the difference between charisma and narcissism... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...and how can you spot when someone is actually warm and caring and charismatic... >> Yeah.

>> ...versus someone who uses the skills or the tools of charisma... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...in their narcissistic approach towards manipulating, controlling, and getting what they want in life?

>> There are certain cues that we cannot control, and if you have bad intentions, they will leak.

So, I call these "danger-zone cues."

So, there's highly warm, nonverbal, verbal, and vocal.

So, these are things that make you highly warm, highly trustworthy, high-likable.

There's highly competent cues, verbal, nonverbal, and vocal.

And then there's charismatic, the ones that just knock it out of the park.

Like, they're just great.

And the last one is danger-zone cues.

Danger-zone cues are the cues that get us into trouble.

They're the cues that liars use.

>> Ooh.

>> They're the way that we leak guilt and shame.

Actually, shame is not a bad thing.

It's only when you have guilt, that you've done something wrong.

>> Yes.

>> So, in the danger zone, it is very hard to inhibit those cues.

So, I teach them because I want people to be able to spot them.

>> Okay, what are those cues?

>> Okay, so there's a bunch.

Let's talk about as many as we can.

>> Sure.

>> So... >> This might be someone who's very successful, someone who's accomplished a lot, potentially, someone that seems very credible... >> Yeah.

>> ...someone that could be in a power position... >> Yes.

>> ...owning a business or having influence online or something like that, right?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

>> Extremely successful.

They could be successful.

They could seem credible... >> Yeah.

>> ...trustworthy.

>> Yes.

>> But might be super-narcissistic underneath.

>> Yes.

So, there's a couple danger-zone cues that we can control, which a manipulative person could inhibit, right?

So, Lance Armstrong -- for those who don't know, spoiler alert -- Lance Armstrong was doping, and in one of his early interviews, on "Larry King Live," he's asked about doping, and he does what's called a lip purse.

So, a lip purse is...

Okay, when we push our lips into a flat line, we mash our lips together.

That is a universal withholding gesture.

So, when we're literally trying to hold something in or hold something back, or we don't like what's being said or heard, we go... And so, you'll notice that when someone has been asked something they don't like, when someone had to lie a lot of the time -- so, we did a massive experiment in our lab where we asked people to send in videos of themselves lying.

It's very important... >> Interesting.

>> ...to know your own tells because you should know what your danger-zone cues are when you're leaking them.

>> Ah.

>> And one of -- you should know those.

>> Yeah.

>> It's good to know those in the back of your pocket.

>> Wow.

>> Do that with your partner, right?

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> You want them to know what those are, too.

So, one thing that we noticed is on lies, that was one of the biggest indicators.

So, in "Lie to Me" game, we ask you to do two things.

We ask you to tell us an embarrassing story, your most embarrassing story, and then a fake embarrassing story.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And we want to see if we can tell the difference.

If we cut the clips, can we know which one is the fake one?

>> Man, that'd be interesting.

>> Yes.

And it's amazing.

You see the same danger-zone cues over and over again.

Right before someone's about to lie and tell their fake embarrassing story, they go, "Okay..." And they lip-purse right before they're going to do it.

And that's because we don't like lying.

Our body knows it's going to get us into trouble.

So, we're like, "Stop it, stop it, stop it."

And we hold ourselves back.

You ask a woman, "How much do you weigh?"

And she'll go... Like, literally close those lips because no woman wants to talk about how much she weighs.

So, it's a withholding gesture.

And so, that's the first thing is you want to look for some of the bigger cues, withholding gestures.

Lip purse is one, a sudden distancing behavior.

So, we also noticed that liars in our lab, they wanted to, like, get away from the lie, like, as if it smelled.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> So, like, when they were telling their most embarrassing story, they'd be, like, leaning in, using gestures.

"Oh, it's so embarrassing."

Remember, embarrassing stories are negative.

>> Right.

>> It's not like it's a positive memory.

>> Right.

>> It's like people are like -- and they do a shame touch.

The universal shame touch is when people touch their fingers to the side of their forehead.

>> Yes, this happened and... >> "Oh."

>> Yeah.

>> Like, "Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed."

>> So, they're usually telling the truth when they do like this.

>> Yes, because they're actually embarrassed, right?

So, these are all good, like, congruent, right?

We're seeing embarrassment and shame gesture.

We're seeing negative, nonverbal and people shaking their head.

"I can't believe that happened."

Right?

Like, oh, they're so upset that happened.

We're seeing cringes.

We're seeing fear.

We're seeing sadness -- congruent, right?

Like, that's all congruent emotion.

>> Mm.

>> On the bad stories, we often see people will lip-purse, and they try to get away from it.

So, they'll say a statement, and then, "Uh, you know, and then, um... " >> [ Laughs ] >> And they're literally, like, as far away from the lie as they can possibly get.

They're leaning back.

They'll sometimes literally lean their head back in the chair.

And that's because physically we want to distance ourselves from things we don't like.

>> Uh-huh.

>> So, we're looking for lip purses, sudden distancing, and there's a lot of cues that we can't control, right?

So, blink rate is another one.

Eye-blocking behavior is liars have higher blink rates.

>> They blink more.

>> Yeah.

And that is because when we're really nervous, we literally want to close out stimuli to not see what's happening so we can process what's happening.

So, blink rate is something that a lot of manipulative people cannot control.

In fact, when I share this, people go, "Oh, I know a very narcissistic, manipulative person who has a very high blink rate."

>> Interesting.

>> Because they're literally, like, trying to block out the lie or the manipulation.

And so, they'll sound really good, but they're, like, really, like, processing a lot.

And you're like, "Why are they blinking so much?"

And it's because they're trying to process.

>> Oh, my goodness.

>> So, just knowing those cues, they're not all bad on their own, but it's important to know what those cues look like so you can spot them.

And I do think, I really think, manipulative people will get caught eventually.

And I know that people probably have toxic people in their lives.

And this is why toxic people are so challenging, because toxic people put us out of integrity.

Toxic people force us to use warm cues where we don't feel like it.

>> Mm.

>> Now, we can do it.

>> What do you mean?

We got to be nice to them or something?

>> Yeah.

So, like, if you have a toxic person, and this is the thorn in I think our work is I want everyone to be their best selves.

I want them to show up as their warmest, most competent self.

But what if you have a toxic person?

How do you do that authentically?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And this is what's so hard about toxic people.

You have a colleague or a coworker or a family member... >> Yeah.

>> ...that you don't like, right?

And you have to break out the fake warmth cues.

"Oh, hi.

How are you?"

>> [ Laughing ] Right.

>> Right?

And so, what do we do?

We fake-smile, right?

So... "Oh, it's so good to see you."

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Right?

>> It doesn't look authentic.

>> It doesn't look like it, right?

>> Yeah.

>> Or we say, "Oh, yeah.

Oh, that sounds good.

Congratulations."

[ Both laugh ] Right?

>> Now your L.A. roots are coming back to you.

>> Right?

Right, right.

And so, I think that's why toxic people challenge us is because they come into our lives.

We know we're supposed to be warm.

And so, we try to force that warm sound, and it comes out sort of forced, and then it makes us feel bad, and then we're trying to overcompensate for it.

And so, you know what the antidote here is not learning more fake-warmth cues.

It's time to get rid of toxic people.

>> Mm.

>> I think that's, like, the side effect.

>> Don't keep them around, yeah.

>> Don't keep those people around because it will leak.

And so, set boundaries around them.

>> What do you mean it will leak?

Like, your integrity will leak because you're constantly trying to be nice, but you're actually out of integrity because you don't want to be.

>> Right.

>> Is that right?

>> Right.

That's exactly right.

>> So, your body is like, "I'm doing something that's not authentic to me because I feel like I have to with this person."

>> That's right.

>> And the more frequently you do that, you feel out of integrity with yourself?

>> Yep.

>> And what about -- what are the three most powerful cues, body-language cues, of leaders?

>> Mm.

Okay.

Highly competent cues -- if you know that you're warm, and you need to dial up competence to hit the sweet spot, these are some cues that will help you.

>> Give it to me.

>> And my favorite is from the Nixon-Kennedy presidential debate.

So, this -- have you heard about this debate before?

It's kind of -- >> Remind me.

Yes.

>> Okay, Nixon and Kennedy were running for president, and about half the population watched the presidential debate on television, and about half the population listened to the debate on the radio.

Everyone who watched the debate was sure that Kennedy won, and everyone who listened to the debate was sure that Nixon won.

>> Wow.

>> And it was the first time where there was a discrepancy between the "winners," the perceived winners.

>> Because one sounded competent, the other one looked warm.

>> One sounded like a leader, and one looked like a leader.

>> Ooh!

>> So, Nixon sounded like a leader.

He had really good vocal power, but he looked like a loser.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I hate to use that word, but he himself said in his memoirs he believes he lost that entire presidential election based on the first few seconds of that debate.

So, in the first 30 seconds of the debate, neither of them speak.

You see them on camera.

And if you were watching, you saw, "Wow, Nixon looks so weak."

And here's why.

What most people don't know is that Nixon had just injured his knee on the campaign trail.

>> Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

>> And he'd been in the hospital for the week.

So, he came in with a bandaged knee and a fever.

So, he shows up, and he's sitting in what's called the runner's stance.

The runner's stance is when someone -- you know, runners before they run a race, they, like, go into the crunch position, one leg back.

>> Yeah.

>> We know this as a "readiness" position.

Universally across cultures, if someone's about to run away from us, they will get into this position, right?

Like, they're literally about to run away.

It's why sprinters start a race like that.

>> Yeah.

>> Well, Nixon spent the first 30 seconds of the debate in that position.

>> Because of his knee, he was like... >> Because of his knee.

>> He was in pain.

He was trying to like just... >> He was nursing it.

>> Yeah.

>> But it made it look like he was about to run out on us.

That's from just a quick, nonverbal perspective.

The first impression was, "Where is he going?"

Even though people didn't consciously realize it, he looked not planted.

And we don't like leaders who aren't going to stay with us.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Whereas Kennedy, on the other hand, he had a really nice, relaxed cross, and he used what's called "humility hands."

Research calls it "humility hands."

Humility hands are when your hands are on your leg, and they're resting.

>> Just resting.

>> Humility, humble.

>> Humble.

>> So, he looked relaxed, calm, here to stay, you know, not tense.

>> "I'm not in a rush.

I'm here."

>> "I'm here.

I'm your leader."

Right?

So, he "looked" presidential.

So, first the runner's stance.

Second is -- and this is in the first ten seconds of debate.

>> They were sitting.

>> They were sitting.

They were sitting next to each other.

>> They weren't on a podium.

>> And so, Nixon lost the debate to Kennedy.

He lost the election to Kennedy.

And he said in his memoirs that's why, "Is because of the cues I sent."

And so, for leaders, here's what we want to think about.

Relaxed, here to stay.

So, the more you can settle into your place.

The distance -- this is such a weird measurement.

I want to see the biggest distance between your earlobe and your shoulder.

The reason -- >> So, not like this.

>> Yes.

Yes.

Because why?

When we are confident, when we are winners, we take up as much space as possible, right?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> We broaden our shoulders.

We tilt our head towards the sky.

Winners feel pride.

The second thing that happens -- that also gives you more vocal power.

>> Mm.

>> So, if I were to do this entire interview with my shoulders up, it would look bizarre, right?

>> Right.

>> I would look scared.

>> You'd be more closed up.

>> Yeah, it would be -- and so, if I tense my vocal cords right now, I'll begin to go into vocal fry.

So, vocal fry.

Have you heard this before?

>> Yes.

>> It's when your voice sounds like sizzling bacon.

[ Vocal fry ] I just don't know.

I'm not sure.

>> Sure.

>> But, like, I was just thinking about it.

And if it's... [ Normal voice ] Oh, my goodness, it's horrible.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And the reason why I will accidentally go into fry is because we're literally clenching our vocal cords, and they cannot get enough breath.

Vocal fry, not to be gross, but vocal fry happens when our vocal cords rattle together.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And that's what we're hearing is the rattling.

That's why we don't like it.

And so, when you have space, you prevent vocal fry.

>> Okay.

>> If you hear yourself in vocal fry, here's the quickest fix you have.

Speak louder.

>> This is called the Three Truths question.

Imagine it's your last day on earth many years away, and, for whatever reason, all of your work has to go with you to another place.

>> Yeah.

>> So, no one has access to your content.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> But if you could leave three lessons to the world behind, what would you say would be those three lessons for you?

>> Life is too short to fake it.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Find the real warmth or the real competence, or get rid of it.

There are unique flavors of charisma.

You don't have to be the bubbly extrovert.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> You can be the wise, competent sage or the quiet, powerful leader or the empathetic, compassionate healer.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Those are all charismatic.

There are different flavors.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And, lastly, your words have power.

Your cues have power.

Don't waste them.

We can change someone's physiology with a single word.

>> Mm!

>> So, with every word you put out there, think about how can you infect people for good?

>> That is powerful.

What's the most powerful word we can infect someone with in a positive way?

>> I think gratitude.

I think every time you say, "Thank you.

I'm appreciative.

I'm grateful," you're gifting them honor, and you're feeling grateful yourself.

It's the only word I can think of that has a double effect both ways.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Just telling someone you appreciate them.

>> Yeah.

>> And if that's one thing you take away from this interview that you will right now text someone that you love them and you appreciate them and thank them for being them?

>> It's big.

People remember that stuff.

>> That's a gift.

>> People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

>> ...how much you care!

Whoo-whoo!

>> Final question -- what's your definition of greatness?

>> Greatness is showing up as you are, how you feel, and feeling free to be that way.

So, that means you like the people in your life.

You respect the people in your life.

You're showing up congruent.

Your cues match your words, which match your emotions.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And I think that I am my greatest self when I can show up somewhere as myself and not worry about having to hide, fake, or change.

>> Vanessa, thank you so much.

>> We hope you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable.

Make sure to stay tuned for more from "The School of Greatness" coming soon on public television.

Again, I'm Lewis Howes.

And if no one has told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

If you'd like to continue on the journey of greatness with me, please check out my website lewishowes.com, where you'll find over 1,000 episodes of "The School of Greatness" show, as well as tools and resources to support you in living your best life.

>> The online course Find Your Greatness is available for $19.

Drawn from the lessons Lewis Howes shares in "The School of Greatness," this interactive course will guide you through a step-by-step process to discover your strengths, connect to your passion and purpose, and help create your own blueprint for greatness.

To order, go to lewishowes.com/tv.

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