(man) ♪ WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN SEE ♪ ♪ WITHOUT GOING FAR, AND A LOT OF THEM ARE FREE.

♪ ♪ IF YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS NOTHING ♪ ♪ IN THE OLD HEARTLAND, ♪ ♪ YOU OUGHT TO HIT THE BLACKTOP ♪ ♪ WITH THESE FOOLS IN A VAN.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVING HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT ART IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ RANDY DOES THE STEERING SO HE WON'T HURL.

♪ ♪ MIKE GOT THE MAP, SUCH A MAN OF THE WORLD.

♪ ♪ THAT'S DON WITH THE CAMERA, ♪ ♪ KIND OF HEAVY ON HIS SHOULDER.

♪ ♪ AND THAT GIANT BALL OF TAPE, IT'S A WORLD RECORD HOLDER.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVING HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT ART IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ LOOK OUT, THEY'RE DRIVING HARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT THE WORLD IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD, ♪ ♪ CHECKING OUT THE WORLD IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD.

♪ ♪ I'M SET.

BAGEL CHIPS... PILLOW.

(Randy) GLOVE.

BASEBALL GLOVE.

AND THEY THINK WE WORK ON THESE TRIPS.

DOES THE BALL HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO RIDE?

IT'S GONNA RIDE NICE.

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

YOU KNOW, THAT THING-- IT MAY RIDE CHILLY.

LOVELY WEATHER FOR A FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING.

WE WAITED FOR SPRING; LOOK WHAT WE GOT.

(Don) DEAR TV MAILBAG, WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HE MEANS BY "WE"?

HI, DON THE CAMERAMAN HERE.

THAT'S ME REFLECTING IN THE GLASS AND WONDERING WHERE WE'RE HEADED.

WARRENSBURG FIRST?

WE GOT THREE SITES IN WARRENSBURG TO HIT.

YEAH.

GOOD THING WE'RE NOT LATE.

(Don) NOW, DON'T THEY KNOW THAT E-T-A WON'T MEAN S-Q-U-A-T UNLESS I'M ON BOARD?

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE HEADED OUT ON HIGHWAY 50, HIGH-TECH ALL THE WAY.

WE'VE GOT THE WORLD'S LARGEST BALL OF VIDEOTAPE IN BACK, MAPS ON THE CEILING IN FRONT, PLUS MIKE'S 1963 SUPER 8 CAMERA AND 1996 CELLULAR PHONE.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

WE'RE JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN.

WE'RE JUST PASSING SHAMROCK FARMS.

(Don) THAT'S J.C. CARTER ON THE OTHER END.

HE'S ONE OF OUR FAVORITE KINDS OF ARTISTS--UNTRAINED.

A COUPLE OF HIS ATTENTION-GETTING SCULPTURES OFF HIGHWAY 13 ARE GETTING OUR ATTENTION.

(J.C.) I NEEDED SOMETHING TO ATTRACT ATTENTION SO I COULD GUIDE PEOPLE INTO MY SANDBLASTING SHOP.

AND THE STATE DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE A SIGN DOWN ON THE ROAD, AND SO, BEING A CREATIVE PERSON, WELL, I DECIDED THAT I COULD BUILD SOMETHING THAT WOULD DRAW ATTENTION.

AND I DID.

THAT'S OGBID AND ISHTAR.

AND THEY-- THEY HAD A WEDDING, SEE?

AND THEN AFTER THEY CAME BACK FROM THEIR HONEYMOON, WHY, I BROUGHT NIMROD OUT, AND THIS WAS THE START OF THEIR FAMILY.

AND THEN THEY DECIDED THAT I NEED A LITTLE GIRL TO GO WITH THE LITTLE BOY, AND SO I BUILT OFAZY-- THE LITTLE GIRL WITH THE WILD HAIRDO.

AND THEN I DECIDED THAT MAYBE THEY NEEDED A LITTLE VARIETY RATHER THAN THE BUCKETS AND THE BARRELS, SO I STARTED BUILDING COUSIN IT AND THE REAPER.

AND THEN THEY HAVE A COUSIN, HUGO, THAT'S IN MY WELDING SHOP, BUT HE HADN'T MADE AN APPEARANCE YET.

IN 1968, I DISCOVERED THAT I COULD SEE THINGS IN METAL, AND THIS WAS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT PUTTING SOMETHING TOGETHER.

AND THEN THE SECOND PIECE WAS ROBBIE THE ROBOT OVER ON THE FAR SHELF OVER THERE--THE FAR STAND-- WITH PEDDLER THE PUP AND DANNY DOWNSHIFTER.

AND THEN THE THIRD PIECE WAS THE-- THIS DOG RIGHT HERE, PURINA PUP.

AND HE'S MADE OUT OF ODDS AND END PARTS-- A MODEL-A FORD CARBURETOR, BASE AND SPRINGS AND CONNECTING RODS AND A BATTERY CABLE FOR A TAIL.

IGOR EVEN JUMPED OUT AND BIT SOMEBODY HERE A WHILE BACK, AND SEE WHERE THE BLOOD DRIPPED OFF HIS TEETH?

THIS IS WINFREY RIGHT HERE, AND HE AGREES WITH WHATEVER I SAY.

(Mike) THIS PIECE UP HERE-- THIS LOOKS LIKE EARLY FONDUE.

(J.C.) WELL, YOU GOTTA COME AROUND HERE TO THE FRONT.

THIS IS WHEN RUSSIA PUT THEIR FIRST SPUTNIK UP-- OR THEREABOUTS.

AND I DECIDED THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE.

I MADE THE MISSOURI TOUR GUIDE.

OH, DID YOU?

YEAH.

AND THEY HAVE--IT'S CALLED RECYCLE, REFUSE, REBORN.

AND I WAS-- THEY THOUGHT ENOUGH OF MY WORK TO PUT IT IN THERE.

(Randy) WHAT'S THE FURTHEST AWAY A VISITOR'S COME FROM?

(J.C.) I'VE HAD SOME PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK THAT STOPPED.

AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S PEOPLE AROUND THE AREA THAT IF THEY HAVE RELATIVES OR SOMETHING COME IN, THEN THEY CALL AND SAY, "WILL YOU TAKE OUR FAMILY THROUGH YOUR GALLERY?"

AND SO THEN I ALWAYS DO.

THAT'S JUST PART OF MY LIFE.

I LIKE DOING THINGS LIKE THAT.

COME ON, YOU WANNA SING A LITTLE?

YEAH, I KNOW.

COME ON.

[bell ringing and dogs howling] (Randy) PEOPLE MORE LIKELY TO HIRE YOU FOR SANDBLASTING BECAUSE OF THE ARTWORK?

(J.C.) I DON'T KNOW.

(Randy) DOES IT TIE TOGETHER?

(J.C.) I DO SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS-- I SING GOSPEL MUSIC AND DO MY OWN CONCERTS.

I'VE GOT A PIANO PLAYER.

REALLY?

YEAH.

SO DID YOU TEACH THE DOGS EVERYTHING THEY KNOW?

[laughs] NO.

[bell ringing and dogs barking and howling] (Don) WITH BELLS AND BARKIN' STILL RINGING IN OUR EARS, WE MADE A BEELINE FOR DOWNTOWN WARRENSBURG, A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN ALWAYS GET A TAN AND SEE SOMETHING UNUSUAL RIGHT THERE ON THE COURTHOUSE LAWN.

THAT WOULD BE THIS FAITHFUL REPRODUCTION OF OLD DRUM, A HOUND WHOSE GRIEVING OWNER OR REPRESENTATIVE THEREOF COINED THE PHRASE "MAN'S BEST FRIEND."

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT WE THINK IT SAYS IN THE FINE PRINT.

(Mike) THIS GUY'S CLOSING ARGUMENT TO THE JURY.

THAT'S WHY IT SOUNDED SO LEGAL.

"GENTLEMEN TO THE JURY, BEST FRIEND A MAN EVER HAD.

OLD DRUM-- I GIVE YOU OLD DRUM."

THIS IS OLD DRUM'S DRUMSTICK.

(Don) ABOUT NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS SHOW IS GOING TO THE DOGS, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IT'S JUST A BIT OF SERENDIPITY THAT JIM MYERS HAPPENED TO HAVE AN ORIGINAL CASTING OF OLD DRUM ON HIS WORKBENCH.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY UNUSUAL THINGS YOU'D FIND HERE, INCLUDING THESE EYE-POPPING PIECES DOWN THE ROAD FROM THE LUMBERYARD HIS PARENTS HAVE OWNED AND OPERATED SINCE HE WAS A JUNIOR WARRENSBURGER.

LIKE J.C. CARTER, HE CAN'T RESIST THE CHANCE TO USE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY THROWN AWAY.

UNLIKE J.C., HE'S BEEN TRAINED IN THE WAYS OF ART AND THE JOYS OF PING-PONG.

IT'S A SERIES OF COMMEMORATIVE PADDLES I MADE ON MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS, AND THIS ONE'S CALLED "THE AMANDA."

(Don) NOW, COULD YOUR AVERAGE CAMERA GUY DO THIS?

OH, BOY, NICE SHOT, MAN.

I MOVED BACK TO CALIFORNIA AND WENT TO ART SCHOOL IN HOLLYWOOD.

I WAS A CARPENTER OUT THERE, SO THAT GAVE ME A LOT OF BACKGROUND WITH TOOLS AND MORE BACKGROUND WITH WOOD.

SO THAT SHAPED A LOT OF WHAT I DO.

THIS IS A LOG THAT-- A TREE THAT A VINE GREW AROUND.

AND I FOUND IT DOWN IN THOSE WOODS DOWN THERE.

AND THE VINE GREW AROUND IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND MADE THIS SHAPE.

SO I HAD IT LAYING AROUND, AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT CAN I DO WITH IT?"

SO I DECIDED TO MAKE A SNAKE CHARMER BULL WHO WAS PLAYING THE FISH FLUTE.

THIS IS A COCKFIGHTER.

THAT'S A TIGER SHARK.

AND THEY'RE DROPPING THESE FISH BOMBS ON THIS TUGBOAT.

SEE, NOW, HERE IT SAYS, "PLEASE DON'T PULL OUT THIS NAIL."

BUT WHEN YOU REMOVE IT-- I SAVED THESE PAINTBRUSHES FOR YEARS, AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT CAN I DO WITH THEM?"

AND I CAME UP WITH THAT.

I HAVE A WHOLE BOX FULL OF ELECTRICAL PARTS THAT I HAVE-- STILL HAVE.

AND YOU JUST USE THOSE.

I GOT TONS OF COW BONES.

I MADE THIS OUT OF COW BONES.

SO YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF, WHEN YOU'RE A SCULPTOR LIKE ME, THAT YOU CAN GO BACK TO AND USE.

NEW BALL.

(Mike) JUST LIKE AN UMPIRE, HE'S GOT 'EM IN HIS POCKET.

OH, OFF THE LINE JUDGE-- NO, NO GOOD.

(Mike) SO WHAT'S THE IDEA HERE?

PLAYING WITH FOUNTAINS?

(Jim) YEAH, I WANTED TO TRY A WATERFALL.

I'D NEVER MADE A WATERFALL BEFORE.

AND I HAD AN EXTENSION LADDER, AND I HAD THOSE TROUGHS THAT ARE GONNA GO IN A CIRCULAR STAIRCASE THERE, AND I HAD A BUNCH OF CLIPS.

SO I CLIPPED THE TROUGHS ON THE EXTENSION LADDER.

SO IT'S KIND OF COOL 'CAUSE IT CAN BE AN ADJUSTABLE WATERFALL BECAUSE OF THE EXTENSION LADDER.

SO YOU COULD MAKE IT 40 FEET TALL IF YOU EXTEND THAT LADDER ON UP.

I'M GONNA HAVE THE BULL PULLING THE CRANE WITH THE FOUNTAIN ON IT.

I'VE TURNED THAT INTO A PIRATE CRANE IF YOU CAN SEE AS I'M FLYING THE JOLLY ROGER.

THESE ARE CONCRETE FORMS FOR IT, AND I'M GONNA POUR A POOL-- YOU KNOW, POUR WALLS SO I CAN GET A POOL GOIN' AND HAVE WATER SPRAYIN' UP TO THE FISH WITH LIGHTS INSIDE OF IT.

(Mike) IS FOUNTAINS THE WAY TO GO RIGHT NOW?

(Myers) IT'S FOR FUN THAT I'M MAKIN' 'EM.

I LIKE TO MAKE WATER MOVE AROUND.

IT'S JUST A FUN THING TO DO.

THE SCULPTURE IS MY MAIN LINE, BUT I'M ADDING, ACTUALLY, THE WATER TO THE SCULPTURES, SO IT'S WORKIN' OUT FOR ME.

WHOA.

IT'S FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF MY GUESTS SO THEY CAN WASH UP BEFORE THEY COME IN.

(Don) I COULD'VE TASTED THE THRILL OF VICTORY AND THE AGONY OF DEFEAT ALL DAY, BUT THOSE PRODUCERS, BEING THE TOUGH TASKMASTERS THAT THEY ARE, MADE US CALL IT A DAY, LEAVING JIM TO PONDER HIS SMALL EMPIRE HERE IN WARRENSBURG, THE NEW CITY OF FOUNTAINS.

REMEMBER, YA HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIME THAT OUR WELL-DOCUMENTED HUNGER FOR KNOWLEDGE BEGAN TO GET THE BEST OF US AGAIN-- THAT IS, TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK A GOOBER BURGER TASTES LIKE.

AND THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD TO FIND OUT IS THE WHEEL INN IN SEDALIA.

YEARS AGO, THE DRIVE-IN'S OWNER SUPPOSEDLY SWAPPED RECIPES WITH A TRAVELIN' SALESMAN: THEIR CURLY-Q FRIES FOR HIS PEANUT BUTTER ON A PATTY.

(Randy) ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO ORDERS THE GOOBER BURGER THAT YOU'VE NOTICED-- ANY PERSONALITY TRAITS?

(John) NO.

NO.

BUT THEY KNOW WHAT THEY-- YOU CAN JUST ASK ANYBODY IN KANSAS CITY, YOU KNOW.

THEY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.

YOU CAN TELL SOMEBODY-- THEY KIND OF LOOK AT YOU KIND OF FUNNY.

(Randy) BUT THEY STILL COME BACK.

YEAH.

(Randy) WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

IT'S DIFFERENT.

(Randy) DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BEFORE WE CAME HERE?

OH, HE SAID WE HAD TO STOP HERE.

(Randy) IS IT ALWAYS A GOOBER BURGER?

ALWAYS.

ALWAYS.

BECAUSE...

THE PEANUT BUTTER'S GREAT.

(Randy) SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT'S CHEESE IF THEY WERE GONNA LOOK AT IT.

NO, IT AIN'T NO CHEESE.

CHEESE-- THE MAYONNAISE, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS HERE?

LETTUCE, TOMATO, AND MIRACLE WHIP.

LETTUCE, TOMATO, AND MIRACLE WHIP.

OKAY, YEAH, SURE.

LIVE DANGEROUS.

IS THAT A GOOD CHOICE?

THAT'S THE WAY I TAKE 'EM.

(Randy) GOT ANY TIPS?

SHOULD I GO FOR LOTS OF PEANUT BUTTER ON THE FIRST BITE?

YOU BETTER GET A NAPKIN.

YEAH, I'M ALREADY IN GOOBER GOO.

THAT'S PEANUT BUTTER IN THERE.

DEFINITELY PEANUT BUTTER.

AND TOMATO.

PEANUT BUTTER AND TOMATO?

MIKEY?

PEANUT BUTTER AND TOMATO?

AN ACQUIRED TASTE, SHALL WE SAY?

(Don) MAYBE THE TRICK IS TO CHASE IT WITH ONE OF THE WHEEL'S FAMED PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES, WHICH OUR ARTERIES DECLINED.

NOR DID WE PACK ANY FOR THE ROAD, AS SOME ARE WONT TO DO.

WHEN YOU COME THROUGH HERE, YOU GOTTA STOP AND GET NOW.

(Don) NOW, DISCOVERY CAN BE A TIME-CONSUMING PROCESS, AND SURE ENOUGH, WE WERE RUNNING LATE AGAIN FOR OUR NEXT STOP IN IONIA.

IT'S A SMALL DOT ON THE MAP THAT LOOMED LARGE TO US, BECAUSE HERE, JOHN FRIEDLY HAS BEEN BUILDIN' A MOST IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION.

THINK OF IT AS A TRIBUTE TO THE DECORATIVE DESIGNS ON WHICH OUR FOREFATHERS PARKED THEIR HARDWORKING KEISTERS-- FARM IMPLEMENT SEATS-- MORE THAN 1,500 OF 'EM.

(John) WELL, I GOT STARTED COLLECTIN' SEATS.

I USED TO BE A SCRAP METAL DEALER.

AND I BOUGHT FARM MACHINERY AND SCRAPPED IT AND SOLD IT.

THERE'S REALLY ONE SEAT THAT I SOLD FOR SCRAP-- IF IT HAD IT NOW, I COULD PROBABLY GET $1,500 FOR IT.

THERE'S A LOT PEOPLE CALL 'EM TRACTOR SEATS.

OF ALL THE SEATS ON THE WALL IN HERE, I THINK THERE'S TWO SEATS THAT'S TRACTOR SEATS.

THE REST OF THEM ARE ALL HORSE-DRAWN IMPLEMENT SEATS.

TRACTOR SEATS IS--WELL, TIME THEY WERE MAKIN' TRACTOR SEATS, THEY WEREN'T CAST IRON.

SEE, THESE ARE ALL CAST IRON.

THERE'S IRISH SEATS HANGING UP THERE.

THAT PIERCE SEAT-- THAT'S A IRISH SEAT TOO.

THAT'S CALLED A SNAKE SEAT.

YOU SEE A SNAKE ENGRAVED AROUND IN THERE?

THEN THERE'S SOME NEW ZEALAND SEATS OVER HERE TOO.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'S SOME FRENCH SEATS INSIDE.

THESE THREE SEATS THERE ARE PROBABLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SEATS.

YEAH.

RIGHT UP HERE?

THESE TWO SEATS HERE-- SO FAR IS ONLY ONE OF A KIND.

NOBODY'S EVER FOUND ANY OTHERS LIKE 'EM THAT I KNOW OF.

(Randy) BUT ARE ANY OF THESE COMFORTABLE TO SIT IN?

OH, YEAH.

MORE COMFORTABLE THAN YOU'D REALIZE.

THEY LOOK INTIMIDATING, DON'T THEY?

LET ME TRY ONE OF THE MORE COMFORTABLE ONES.

THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

IT KIND OF FORMS RIGHT TO YOUR TUSH THERE.

(John) THEY RIDE GOOD.

(Mike) ROCK ISLAND.

HOOSIER--I LIKE THAT.

(John) HOOSIER IS MADE IN INDIANA.

(Randy) HE'S PUBLISHED HIS OWN BOOK, AND NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THEIR COLLECTIONS.

YOU THE MAN WHEN IT COMES TO TRACTOR SEATS-- [buzzer] UH, NOT TRACTOR SEATS.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

FARM IMPLEMENT SEATS.

[buzzer] HORSE-DRAWN IMPLEMENT SEATS.

HORSE-DRAWN IMPLEMENT SEATS.

ding-ding-ding!

(Don) NOW, JOHN DOESN'T REALLY ADVERTISE HIS PLACE MUCH, BUT IF YOU'RE HEADED FOR IONIA, LET 'IM KNOW, AND HE'LL LIKELY SHOW YOU AROUND.

IT'S TRUE THAT SPRING HAD NOT YET SPRUNG DOWN HERE IN THE OZARK FOOTHILLS, BUT AT LEAST WE'D LEFT ALL TRACES OF SNOW BEHIND.

SO WE SETTLED IN TO ENJOY THE DRIVE AND START IMAGININ' HOW ACCOMMODATIN' OUR ACCOMMODATIONS MIGHT BE.

(Mike) TONIGHT WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT TO ROLLA.

THAT'S NOT THAT MUCH FURTHER.

(Don) WELL, NO, IT'S NOT, UNLESS A CERTAIN SOMEONE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS HOW CLOSE WE MIGHT BE TO SOMETHING HE ONCE SAW THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL GO SEE AGAIN.

SO THAT'S NINE MILES OF WINDY ROADS OUT OF OUR WAY BEING REGALED BY TALES OF RANDY'S SCAR AND LOOKIN' FOR LAKEVIEW HEIGHTS.

SURE ENOUGH, NATURE AND NIKE DID SEEM TO HAVE INTERTWINED-- THAT IS TO SAY, JOINED TOGETHER IN A MOST UNUSUAL WAY.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT CATCHES YOUR EYE WALKING BY.

(Randy) IT'S A CULTURAL PHENOMENON.

(Don) I THINK IT'S GOT A LOT OF "SOLE."

(Randy) YOU'RE FORGETTIN' THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE CAMERAMAN.

WE'RE THE HIGH-PRICED PRODUCING TALENT.

(Don) WELL, TALENT ISN'T EXACTLY THE WORD I WOULD'VE CHOSEN, BUT, THEN, I HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE CONTROL OVER WHAT GETS SAID IN THIS SHOW.

HOWEVER, I DO HAVE OTHER WAYS OF MAKING MY PRESENCE KNOWN.

[tape fast-forwarding] PHEW.

I GUESS I JUST NEEDED A LITTLE COOLING OFF PERIOD.

SO BY THE TIME WE MADE ELTON AND I SAW THAT GLORIOUS SUN SETTING OVER THE CREE MEE, MY GOOD MOOD HAD RETURNED.

AFTER ALL, THEY CAN'T MAKE ME SHOOT IN THE DARK.

(Randy) ANOTHER SMALL TOWN; ANOTHER CHEAP MOTEL.

WELL...

I'VE GOT MY COFFEE.

GOT OUR KEYS?

YEAH.

WE'RE OFF.

(Don) NOW, THERE MAY BE A WHOLE LOT TO SEE AND DO IN ROLLA.

IT'S A LOT CLOSER TO EUROPE THAN I REALIZED, AND IT'S RIGHT THERE ON OLD ROUTE 66. WHO KNOWS?

SOME HISTORIC CASUALTIES MAY EVEN HAVE ENDED UP HERE.

BUT WE WERE LOOKIN' FOR A PARTICULAR PLACE A FEW MILES WEST OF TOWN NEAR JEROME.

OUT HERE JUST OFF I-44, LARRY BAGGETT'S BEEN GOIN' LIKE GANGBUSTERS ON HIS OWN PRIVATE MONUMENT TO THE TRAIL OF TEARS, LAYING STONE AT A PACE THAT WOULD MAKE A YOUNG MAN PROUD.

FOUNTAINS AND TERRACED GARDENS, A PICNIC AREA WITH WATER WHEEL, A HOT TUB, AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE.

LARRY EVEN IMAGINED A GOOD PLACE FOR HUMILIATING PASSING PRODUCERS.

BOTH OF 'EM-- IT TAKES BOTH OF 'EM.

(Don) THIS OUGHTA BE GOOD.

THIS'N HERE IS FOR BOXIN' HERE.

FOR WHAT?

FOR BOXIN'.

THESE LITTLE ONES.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, SEE, I'M NOT A BOXER.

WHAT'S THE ONE FOR, LIKE, GUYS WHO WATCH TV?

UH, I REMOVED THAT ONE OUT OF HERE.

I WAS BORN ON TRAIL OF TEARS IN TENNESSEE, AND MY LAST PLACE, I HOPE, IS HERE, YOU KNOW.

AND THAT'S ON A TRAIL OF TEARS.

ABOUT 27 YEARS AGO, I HAD 18 MONTHS TO LIVE, SO I THOUGHT I'D BUILD AN OVERNIGHT CAMPGROUNDS FOR MY WIFE TO MAKE A LIVING HERE, AND I GOT HEALED ON THE HILL HERE, AND SHE GOT SICK, AND SHE LASTED ABOUT SEVEN YEARS, SO WE HAD IT OPEN ONLY ONE YEAR.

YOU PULL THAT DOWN HERE AND HOLD IT, SEE?

THEN YOU SLAP THE GROUND.

(Randy) WAS THIS BASED ON SOMETHING YOU'D SEEN SOMEONE ELSE DO?

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ARRANGEMENT SOMEWHERE?

(Larry) I INTEND TO RUN THESE WALLS STRAIGHT.

YOU CAN SEE HOW CROOKED THEY ARE.

IT'S NOT-- YOU JUST GET LOST WHEN YOU START LAYIN' ROCK, KIND OF LIKE A FISHERMAN GETS LOST OUT THERE SITTIN' ON THE BOAT, YOU KNOW.

AND EIGHT HOURS ARE GONE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

(Mike) BUT THEY CAN COME HOME AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT THE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO.

(Larry) GOD NEVER MADE ANYTHING STRAIGHT, SEE?

IF YOU GET UP IN THE MOUNTAINS AND LOOK AT THE RIVERS, JUST CROOKED AS A SNAKE.

HE NEVER MADE A STRAIGHT RIVER.

BUT WE GO AROUND TRYING TO STRAIGHTEN IT UP.

(Mike) HOW DEEP DO THESE GO DOWN?

WHAT KIND OF FOUNDATION?

(Larry) YOU'RE SEEING IT NOW.

THERE'S NO FOUNDATION UNDER NOTHIN'.

THEM POSTS DOWN THERE-- NOTHIN' I GOT'S GOT A FOUNDATION.

IT'S SET ON SIX INCHES SAND.

I KEEP TELLING MY BUDDIES CONCRETE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOIN'.

YOU JUST--YOU JUST RAISE IT WITH YOUR INSTEP.

THAT'S THE STRONGEST MUSCLE YOU GOT IN YOUR BODY.

(Randy) ARE YOU GONNA BUILD SOME MORE STONEWORK UP IN HERE OR THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR VISION THAT WOULD GO ON THIS PART OF THE PROPERTY?

YEAH, MY PLANS ARE TO BUILD A SWEAT LODGE AND A MEDITATIN' ROOM RIGHT ON THAT HIGH PLACE WHERE THEM-- WOOD IS THERE.

SEE, I GOT SEVEN POSTS AND SEVEN-SIDED.

AND IT'S SEVEN-FOOT DEEP.

TAKES ME A DAY TO FILL IT, A DAY TO CLEAN IT, AND ABOUT A WEEK TO HEAT IT ALL UP.

SOMEBODY SAY IT LOOKS LIKE A DOG IF I PUT EYES IN IT.

THEN SOMEBODY SAY IT LOOKS LIKE AN ELEPHANT IF I PUT A TRUNK AND EARS.

AND THEN A LITTLE GIRL SAID IT LOOKED LIKE QUEEN ELLEN IF I PUT A CROWN ON IT.

I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT'S GOT A WATER WHEEL THAT RUN EITHER WAY.

IT'S GOT A REVERSE ON IT.

SEE, THAT'S RUNNING BACKWARDS NOW.

(Mike) IS THAT A TRICK?

(Randy) SO PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST PASSING BY LIKE THOSE GUYS THIS MORNING SOMETIMES JUST GET THE URGE TO GO-- (Larry) EVERY DAY.

SOMETIMES I HAVE 15 CARS A DAY.

(Adam) WE'VE DRIVEN OUT HERE A COUPLE OF TIMES, AND WE'VE NOTICED IT AND EVERYTHING.

AND IT CAUGHT OUR ATTENTION.

AND WE JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

(Randy) DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS?

BEYOND OUR EXPECTATIONS.

ONE MAN CAN DO ALL THIS.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THEN YOU SLAP THE GROUND LIKE THAT.

I'M SLAPPING THE GROUND.

I'M SLAPPING THE GROUND.

(John) I TRY TO PLAN 30 OR 40 YEARS AHEAD.

I'VE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE WORK JUST TO RETIRE, AND THEY'RE GONE AFTER ABOUT A YEAR, YOU KNOW.

I HAVE TO STAY BUSY, 'CAUSE ALL MY FOLKS IS GONE BUT ME AND MY OLDEST BROTHER.

HE'S 93, AND HE'S STILL WORKIN' 12 HOURS A DAY.

THE REST OF 'EM SET DOWN.

AS LONG AS YOU STAY BUSY, YOU GET ALONG.

SHOOT, I'LL BE 28 NEXT MONTH.

I KNOW I DON'T LOOK IT, BUT I WILL BE.

(Don) WITH THAT TRAIL RUNNING RIGHT THROUGH HIS LAND, LARRY'S GOTTEN PRETTY CAUGHT UP IN NATIVE AMERICAN LORE.

IN FACT, HE TIPPED US OFF TO A NEW PLACE JUST A FEW MORE MILES DOWN THE ROAD WHERE INDIAN ARTIFACTS ARE INDEED TUCKED AWAY INSIDE THE ONYX CAVE-- PERHAPS THE ONLY CAVE IN AMERICA THAT DOESN'T HAVE 400 HIGHWAY SIGNS STARTING HALF THE STATE AWAY.

THIS JUST COULD BE THE EDUCATIONAL PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

THE OZARKS ARE LIKE AN UPLIFT, YOU KNOW, AND ALL THE RIVERS ON THE NORTH SIDE FLOW NORTH INTO THE MISSOURI.

SO IT REALLY CUT DOWN INTO THE LIMESTONE.

(Don) WELL, GEOLOGISTS WE ARE NOT, BUT WHO CAN RESIST A LITTLE SPELUNKIN'?

SO WE TOOK THE TOUR AND SAW BATS AND CURTAIN WALLS, FROGS AND ARTIFACTS, AND, WELL, JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU'D EXPECT TO SEE IN A CAVE.

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE TO RIDE IN THOSE FUNNY LITTLE JEEPS OR GET MARRIED.

(Harry) PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE THE IDEA.

MY BRIDAL CAVE UP HERE-- THEY'VE BEEN OPERATING FOR MANY, MANY YEARS, AND THEY'VE HAD SOMETHING LIKE 1,200 WEDDINGS.

SO PEOPLE DO LIKE THE NOVELTY.

(Don) SPEAKING OF NOVELTIES, BACK ABOVEGROUND, THE BOYS SHIFTED NEATLY INTO GIFT SHOP GEAR, LOOKING OVER THE TRINKETS AND EVEN WEASELIN' SOME FREE COOKIES AND COFFEE-- MORE STUFF TO PACK INTO THE VAN WHERE YOU-KNOW-WHO ACTUALLY HAS TO FIT.

(Mike) ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT TRAVELING IS COLLECTING ALL THE STUFF IN THE GIFT SHOPS.

(Randy) LOOK AT THAT HAT.

(Don) YOU LEAVE THAT PRICE TAG ON THERE IN RESPECT FOR MINNIE PEARL WHO COULDN'T BE HERE TODAY.

NOW, THIS STRETCH OF MISSOURI HAS SOME AWFULLY PRETTY SCENERY, BUT IT'S KIND OF CONFUSIN' WHEN EVERY TIME YOU LOOK UP THERE'S ANOTHER MARK TWAIN NATIONAL FOREST.

PONDERING THIS QUESTION WAS SO TIRIN' THAT BEING UNDER MINIMAL SUPERVISION, WE FIGURED THE BEST ANSWER MIGHT JUST BE A LITTLE R AND R. THE CURRENT RIVER DOWN HERE IS KNOWN TO BE A FLOATER'S PARADISE.

UNFORTUNATELY, RANDY CAN'T SWIM OR EVEN BARELY FLOAT, SO WE OPTED INSTEAD TO ENGAGE IN A FEW MOMENTS OF THE NATIONAL PASTIME WHILE THE BALL SOAKED UP SOME RAYS ON THE BANK.

(Mike) MY ARM FEELS PRETTY GOOD, CONSIDERING I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR TWO DAYS.

(Don) REVIVED AND REFRESHED, WE, TOO, TOOK OFF INTO A SEA OF BUTTON POPLARS AND PINES AND DISCOVERED HOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ANYWHERE VERY QUICKLY IN THIS NECK OF THE WOODS.

IT'S EVEN SLOWER GOIN' WHEN FAULTY RESEARCH LEADS YOU ON A DETOUR THROUGH GRANDIN, WHERE YOU COULD SAY WE DISCOVERED THAT THE LEGEND OF JUNIOR'S AUTO CITY IS CONSIDERABLY MORE GRAND THAN THE CURRENT REALITY.

NO STOP NECESSARY.

I'M FEELING GUILTY, BUT I'M FEELING LIKE I'M OVER IT TOO.

(Don) TRUTH IS, IT'S NOT SO HARD TO COME UP EMPTY-HANDED WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR STOMACH'S ABOUT TO BE FILLED-- TO EXCESS IF YOU CAN JUST MAKE IT SIKESTON BEFORE LAMBERT'S CLOSES.

(Mike) GOT MY BALL GLOVE, GOT MY HARD HAT.

IT'S WORKIN'.

(Don) THAT'S RIGHT--LAMBERT'S-- THE ORIGINAL HOME OF THROWED ROLLS, FAMOUS FOR COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COUNTRY CUISINE AND BREAD THAT'S FLOWN DIRECTLY TO YOUR TABLE.

HOT ROLLS.

THEY WON'T GIVE ME A LARGE.

(man) WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?

THAT'S THE MEDIUM.

(Randy) THAT'S THE MEDIUM.

YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE THERE.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

THIS THING IN TV IS REALLY PAYING OFF BIG.

(Randy) I THOUGHT HE SAID OPRAH.

HOT ROLL.

CATCH YOUR ROLL HERE.

REALLY IS NO SPECIAL TRAINING.

YOU JUST WALK AROUND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

YOU CAN THROW A ROLL OR TWO.

THEY RECOGNIZE YOUR TALENT.

THEY SAY "YOU COME ON DOWN, WE'LL GIVE YOU A NIGHT OR TWO."

(Randy) ARE YOU A ROLL MODEL?

(Brandon) I'M A ROLL MODEL.

HOT ROLL.

♪ I'M A ROLL MAN.

♪ ♪ (Randy) WE MIGHT BE MISSING THE POINT HERE-- IS THE FOOD ANY GOOD?

YOU KNOW.

COME ON DOWN, GET YOUR ROLLS, FOLKS.

SORRY, WHAT?

(Brandon) ANYBODY ELSE?

HANDS UP.

EVERYTHING IS GREAT.

I RECOMMEND THE CHICKEN-FRIED ROUND STEAK.

(Don) NO, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT A PLACE TO WORK ON THAT DIET.

IN FACT, THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF TV, I WANTED TO SHOW YOU HOW I THINK A LAMBERT'S MEAL WORKS ON THE HUMAN BODY.

DEFINITELY A STOP TO REMEMBER IN A PLACE WHERE TV WEASELS CAN GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.

THIS IS DON THE CAMERAMAN SIGNING OFF.

(Mike) OUR VAN IS STARTIN' TO FEEL KIND OF LIVED-IN.

(Randy) KCPT GALLERY OF CRIME.

THESE ARE THE PHOTOS WE'VE TAKEN ALONG THE WAY OF OUR FRIENDS AND COMPATRIOTS.

WELL, OKAY, SO WE ONLY GOT ONE PHOTO OF ANYBODY.

(Randy) SO WHAT'S EVERYBODY THINK ABOUT DRIVING IN THESE KIND OF SITUATIONS?

(Don) DIAL 1-800-- (Mike) UPCHUCK.

THIS HAS REALLY KIND OF TURNED INTO A LEGEND-- MY REGURGATORY PAST.

YEAH.

(Don) I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BRING IT UP AGAIN, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO NEW MADRID MAYBE TOMORROW.

THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

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