<b>(thunder crashing)</b> <b>♪ One day the</b> <b>devil came to him ♪</b> <b>♪ For he was a minor demon </b> <b>♪ Asked him to</b> <b>torture some humans ♪</b> <b>♪ With his two friends in two </b> <b>♪ Mittens and El Sapo </b> <b>♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren </b> <b>♪ On Nightmare Theatre </b> Look, Mittens, I'm not explaining it the right way.

Those things were ugly.

U.G.L.Y...

They ain't got no alibi.

They're ugly.

I want you to imagine the most horrific image you can conjure up.

I mean, ugliness and horror on an almost apocalyptic scale.

No way scarier than what Sapo looked like as a baby.

Now you're getting it.

Now you're getting it.

You're starting to come close to just how ugly these things were.

But for some reason, people absolutely lost their minds over them.

People literally beat each other up in the streets just to get one.

No, I'm serious.

In 1983, there were actual riots in some cities.

People trampled each other and just went bonkers over these things.

In fact, in November of 1983, a Zayre's department store in Pennsylvania, the crowd got so out of control that the store manager had to grab a baseball bat to protect himself and his employees from the angry crowds.

He literally had to strike people with a wooden bat to protect himself.

There was nothing like it.

People wanted this thing so badly.

What?

No, I'm not making this up.

It was all over the news for just a brief moment in the eighties.

Some Americans resorted to savage behavior just to get the ugliest doll the world has ever seen.

The Cabbage Patch Kid.

Sheesh, to this day, I can't look at one of those things without shaking with fear.

Oh, wait.

Later on, I'll tell you about the time Sapo wormed his way through the crowd and got himself a Cabbage Patch Kid, only to have a 70 year old woman beat him over the head with her cane and take it from him.

And yes, there is video footage of it.

Hello and welcome to Nightmare Theatre.

I am your host, the Baron, Mondo Von Doren.

And here with me is Mittens, the Werewolf.

And we were just discussing insane crowd behavior as we wait for the most insane man of all, El Sapo de Tempesto, to show up with tonight's movie.

He ought to be here any second.

Yeah.

Yeah, I am the meat man.

Yeah, I'm the meat man.

I'm here boss.

Whoopi.

What?

What?

Why are you wearing that thing around your neck?

And, good lord, what is that smell?

I got me a part time job selling meat in.

A grocery store.

What grocery store would hire.

You know, I'm not working for corporate America.

I sell on the street corner.

I'm in the meat business all by myself.

I am my own boss.

You should fire yourself then.

Look up of some samples.

Look at this.

Where did you.

Get that stuff from?

Sapo?

Well, you see, there's a funny story.

There is a funny story.

No doubt that.

It all began this morning when I parked the Mondo Wagon illegally and towed away.

What?

The wagon got towed?

Look, the parking people were only doing their job.

Parking professionals are the true unsung heroes of our great land.

No, no, they're not.

So I went in.

I went down to the impound lot.

I hopped the fence and I broke in.

Well, you broke into the impound lot.

That is one way to put it.

Another way to put it might be to say that I created my own entrance.

Breaking and entering, adding a new felony every day.

I see.

Oh, I got in there with without being noticed on a sly as a fox and twice as crafty.

You're dumb as a skunk and twice as smelly Did you at least get out?

I mean, my vehicle back?

Of course.

I had to bust the window and I had to hotwire, but I got it back.

Wonderful.

And while I was down there, while I was done, I saw an old meat truck and it was just sitting there, boss, and no one was around.

And I smelled this tantalize odor.

So I looked and found a food truck and I found all this meat.

But you broke my window and hotwired my vehicle.

I only had eight payments left on that thing.

I'll get some Saran wrap and I'll fix that window.

Don't you worry.

Hey.

Hey, fellas.

Wouldn't a nice, juicy steak make both of you feel better, right now?

I'm sure it would, but I'm not eating any of that old meat you stole out of a truck at an impound lot.

That's just more for us then Mittens.

You aren't going to eat it either.

Let me see that Sapo...

This meat expired in 1994.

Well, it did look like the truck had been sitting there for quite a while.

This meat's way too old to eat.

This is what they call aged beef, boss.

The crown heads of Europe will pay top dollar for this stuff.

The Crown Heads of Europe will stuff you in a dungeon.

Fine.

If you don't want it, I'll just eat it all for myself.

What is the absolute worst that could happen?

No food poisoning, botulism, long, agonizing death.

It is worth the risk for free steaks.

No.

Okay, go right ahead then and eat it up.

Eat it up there, Daredevil.

But before you go into that rotten meat induced coma, let me ask you something.

What movie do we have for tonight?

Well, unfortunately, I wasn't able to find one with the car getting impounded in me, finding the motherload of lost meat.

I just didn't have time to get a movie.

Well, that's just great, but.

But I found this in the glove box of an old hotrod Lincoln.

It was stuffed inside an old road atlas for scenic Akron, Ohio.

Can you show it while I run and go look for a movie?

Maybe I'll find something in the kitchen.

When I put these steaks on the griddle, I'll cook them up with some wild onions and a few of them loose mushrooms I found growing underneath the septic tank.

Do not cook that garbage in this house.

Then I'll set up the griddle out on the veranda.

Yet and throw that meat away.

Sheesh.

Well, well, well.

At least he's gone now.

We have a few minutes here.

Okay, Mittens.

Whatever you do, don't eat any of that meat.

And to be safe, steer clear those mushrooms too.

You can eat onions if you like, but don't fill up.

Because once we are done here tonight, I will go to that fancy steak house and we will have dinner on me.

Dessert, too.

Let me see what he gave us.

I wonder what this could possibly be.

Wait, I'm going to try something here.

I have an idea.

Let me see.

Ah, yes, I have it.

I'm getting a very clear picture.

Unfortunately, it's not a good picture.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Mittens, run.

Save yourself.

There's no time to save me.

And on your way out, lock.

El Sapo in, he's going to watch this thing with me.

I'm serious.

This is no time to be a hero.

You're still young.

There's still hope for you.

This is chapter two of the undersea kingdom.

The undersea city.

Someone as young and innocent, as you should not have to see this.

What's that?

You say you'll stand and fight.

You say you'll never leave me in my hour of peril?

Well, I appreciate that.

They say there's strength in numbers.

Maybe together we can get through this.

Folks, if you have someone else in your house, go get them.

If they're asleep, wake them up.

Go get a neighbor, find anyone.

You're going to need some help to make it through this, folks.

Get ready.

Here it comes.

Chapter two, the undersea city here on Nightmare Theatre.... <b>(explosion)</b> <b>- You two get behind that rock!</b> <b>Billy and I will lead them off!</b> <b>- Two of the strangers have </b> <b>escaped the Volkites </b> <b>and are heading for the beach!</b> <b>- A blast from the invisible</b> <b>ray gun will soon stop them.</b> <b>Start the disintegrator!</b> <b>Tear down the mountain!</b> <b>- Billy!

Jump for that </b> <b>sand bank!

</b> <b>Come on, Billy.</b> <b>Let's get to the professor</b> <b>and Diana.</b> <b>-There's a way up!</b> <b>- At least those mechanical men</b> <b>can't follow us</b> <b>through those flames.</b> <b>- Look!</b> <b>Are you sure this is the lost</b> <b>continent of Atlantis?</b> <b>- There's no doubt about it.</b> <b>- What a story this will </b> <b>make for my paper!</b> <b>"Girl reporter discovers</b> <b>civilization ten thousand</b> <b>feet below the ocean"!</b> <b>- Boy, I'd like to explore</b> <b>that city.</b> <b>- So would I.</b> <b>- Perhaps we better get back</b> <b>to the submarine before</b> <b>we run into any more </b> <b>of these strange people.</b> <b>- Look closely, Martos!</b> <b>Have you ever seen </b> <b>such people before?</b> <b>-No, but I'll bet you they're</b> <b>in league with Unga Kahn!</b> <b>Follow me!</b> <b>- Ride back to the sacred city</b> <b>and report to Sharad,</b> <b>High Priest of Atlantis</b> <b>that we're returning</b> <b>with strange prisoners.</b> <b>- Why is our guest bound?</b> <b>He is no prisoner.

Release him.</b> <b>At once!</b> <b>Never before has Atlantis</b> <b>been honored by a visitor</b> <b>from the upper world.</b> <b>However, I am curious to know</b> <b>how you were able to penetrate</b> <b>the depth of the ocean.</b> <b>- We use a super submarine</b> <b>propelled by rocket motors,</b> <b>which I perfected especially </b> <b>for the purpose.</b> <b>- Quite interesting, Professor.</b> <b>Do you think these rocket motors</b> <b>can be built powerful enough</b> <b>to lift this tower?</b> <b>- There's no limit to </b> <b>their size nor power.</b> <b>Given time and the </b> <b>necessary equipment,</b> <b>I can construct rocket motors</b> <b>that would raise this tower</b> <b>clear to the upper world.</b> <b>- Good.

You shall start at once.</b> <b>- Are you actually proposing</b> <b>to move this huge metal tower?</b> <b>Why?</b> <b>Once I reach the surface,</b> <b>I'll either become supreme</b> <b>ruler of the upper world,</b> <b>or destroy it!</b> <b>- Professor Norton would</b> <b>never agree to help you</b> <b>in such a fiendish plan!</b> <b>- He's insane if he </b> <b>thinks I will!</b> <b>- We have ways of persuading</b> <b>people to do our bidding.</b> <b>-No harm will come to him.</b> <b>This machine will merely </b> <b>transform his mind</b> <b>so that he will obey me.</b> <b>(no audio) </b> <b>Prepare the transformer!</b> There.

We all saw that he got blasted by that ridiculous gun, and then he fell down that elevator shaft.

Just like that lady on LA Law at that time.

He's dead.

Miss him, if you like.

Mourn him if you must...

But come to terms with and accept the fact that he is no longer among the living.

What?

No, no.

There's no way that happened.

I saw him fall, folks.

I know it's hard to accept the fact that crash is gone, but he is.

No hero lives forever.

Another brave soul has left us very sad.

Very, very sad.

Well, moving on.

I wonder where El Sapo could be.

I know he's going to be here in a minute with some kind of.

Hey, boys.

Hello.

I just saw what happened.

The poor, poor, poor man.

My goodness.

He was the greatest angel this country ever produced.

And now he's gone.

I saw him fall.

I don't know if I could do this show tonight.

Oh, you can.

And you will.

If Mittens and I have to be here, so do you.

You brought this to us, you know.

I know, I know.

Can you tell me something about this?

This might make me feel a little bit better?

No.

Please!

It will lift me up.

Maybe tell me about the cast.

Okay, fine.

You want to know about the cast?

You asked for it.

It stars Monte Blue as Unga Khan.

Seriously?

That's his name.

UNGA Khan.

The guy can't be named something exotic like Patrick Shlinker?

or something normal, like Mike Rowan or even Bill Henderson?

His character has a stupid name, and that ought to be enough to make a stop talking about this thing forever.

Lois Wilde stars as Diana, and it also features the great Lon Chaney Jr as Captain Hakur.

I have heard you talk about that guy before.

Yes, you have Lon was great in Universal Studios, the Wolfman.

He was also in the Mummy's Tomb and the Mummy's Ghost.

He played the Wolfman and the Mummy.

Yep.

He also played the monster in the Ghost of Frankenstein.

And get this, he played the Count in Son of Dracula.

Very well known in the horror genre, but he's also instantly recognizable...

I didn't recognize him.

He's instantly recognizable to Non-Horror fans as Lennie in the 1939 version of Of Mice and Men.

I know a little bit about mice.

I'm sure you do.

Here's another thing about the serial.

The so-called hero is Crash Corrigan, and he is played by Ray Crash Corrigan.

That is confusing to me, boss.

Here's how to simplify it.

Prior to this serial, he went either by Ray Bernard or Ray Benard.

but he was so happy with his performance in the serial, he started telling everyone to call him Crash Corrigan.

For real.

Crazy.

That's crazy.

Yep.

You know what else is crazy?

What is that boss?

You haven't given me the movie yet.

Oh, mercy, mercy me.

Here you go.

I'm sorry about that.

Well, oh, my suppo what a great film you've brought us today.

Mittens, do you see what Sapo has brought us?

What?

Just look at this.

Film cans.

Look at it.

Well Sapo....

This just might be the best film ever made.

And the cast.

My gosh, if a better team of thespians has ever been assembled, it's a closely guarded secret.

And the director.

Oh, the director.

A true master of his craft.

A giant among men, a god among mortals.

Really?

This director is amazing.

He and he alone should be in the Director's Hall of Fame.

You get rid of Hitchcock.

Godard, Fellini.

There all hacks, hacks, I tell you.

And make room for the genius who directed this movie.

Are you okay?

This is not like you tonight.

I'm better than okay.

In fact, I'm A-OK.

I'm Jim Dandy.

I am over the moon.

I just can't believe you found the film of this caliber.

You know what this is like?

This is like going to the thrift store and finding an original, undiscovered Leonardo da Vinci painting hidden among the paintings, a dog playing poker and all those Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass album.

My mom has that tattoo of dogs playing poker on her back.

Yeah, I remember that about your mother.

Well, I am glad you like the movie I brought you tonight.

Sapo?

Yes?

I was being sarcastic.

This is literally the worst movie ever made.

It's terrible.

Just terrible.

Tell me a little bit of.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Come on, please.

Come on, come on.

I'm fine.

It's an awful post-apocalyptic Italian film called both the New Barbarians and Warriors of the Wasteland.

It's got two names I'm going to call it Warriors of the Wasteland, if only out of spite, because I heard the director preferred the other title.

I don't want to spend another second talking about it.

Let's just start Warriors of the Wasteland here on Nightmare Theatre.... <b>X - J - W, over.</b> <b>X - J - W, over.</b> <b>This is X - J - W, over.</b> <b>This is X - J - W, over.</b> <b>This is X - J - W, </b> <b>is anyone out there?

Over.</b> <b>This is X - J - W, </b> <b>come in, please.

Over.</b> <b>This is X - J - W, over.</b> <b>You give us less each day,</b> <b>Innes.

You know that?</b> <b>Thank God for that!</b> <b>Who knows</b> <b>when we'll find anything more.</b> <b>Hey, hey!</b> <b>Give me a quick.</b> <b>Yeah, I think I got something!</b> <b>Yeah, yeah.</b> <b>Oh, yeah.</b> <b>Something's cominin!</b> <b>Something's cominin... </b> <b>Damn!</b> <b>- I don't believe it anymore.</b> <b>- What?

Don't you hear it?</b> <b>It's a signal!</b> <b>- Quiet!

Shut up!</b> <b>- Sure!</b> <b>But to reach us,</b> <b>it'd take a solar radio.</b> <b>At least a million megawatts</b> <b>strong.</b> <b>- Just think, if the rest of</b> <b>the world was still alive.</b> <b>- Oh, God.</b> <b>If only everything could</b> <b>go back the way it was.</b> <b>(ominous music)</b> <b>- There coming.

</b> <b>There coming!</b> <b>Everyone to his</b> <b>position, hurry!</b> <b>- My God, the Templars!</b> <b>- Come on, move it!</b> <b>Take your positions!</b> <b>- It's them!

It's the Templars!</b> <b>Hold your fire, hold your fire!</b> <b>(laser blast)</b> <b>(scream)</b> <b>Fire!</b> <b>Get down!</b> <b>(scream)</b> <b>(laughs maniacally)</b> <b>- Uh, oh!</b> <b>Over there, Mako, </b> <b>a bird in flight!</b> <b>Slow down, give him a </b> <b>head start!</b> <b>Now.

go!</b> <b>- Yahoo!

</b> <b>- Shadow!</b> <b>Take a look at this!</b> <b>- Books.</b> <b>Books!</b> <b>That's what started </b> <b>the whole apocalypse!</b> <b>Good man, Mako.</b> <b>- You're much too soft.</b> <b>- He's the one I choose</b> <b>to take command after me.</b> <b>- You're coddling him.</b> <b>He's a weakling, </b> <b>believe me, One.</b> <b>He'll never be a king.</b> <b>King of the desert.</b> <b>The world is dead.</b> <b>It ripped itself.</b> <b>But I'll purify it with blood!</b> <b>No one is innocent.</b> <b>But only we, the Templars,</b> <b>are the ministers of revenge!</b> <b>(chanting) One!

One!

One!

One!</b> <b>- Another bunch of crazies</b> <b>trying to come through.</b> <b>What do we do?</b> <b>- Exterminate them!</b> <b>Fools.</b> <b>They're still running like flies</b> <b>to a spider's mouth.</b> <b>Why?

</b> <b>- Those others had a radio.</b> <b>I heard signals coming over it.</b> <b>Civilization still exists somewh</b> <b>One, we're not the last men!</b> <b>No, no!</b> <b>Nothing's left!</b> <b>Nothing.</b> Hello.

Welcome back, folks.

The last time you saw me, I told you how bad this movie was going to be.

Did I lie?

I don't think it's that bad, boss.

It is worse than bad.

But by the way, did you did you notice this film is supposed to take place in 2019?

Just a bad film... Oh, come on, boss... Must be one good thing.

One glimmer of shiny tinfoil in a rat's nest.

There's got to be something.

Nope, not one thing.

Oh, there must be something.

The world's best forensic scientists can analyze this film frame by frame, with a magnifying glass, and they would find nothing good in it.

Nothing at all.

There has got to be something.

There always is.

And have you seen anything good?

I like the helmets those guys are wearing.

Those are.

Those are nice helmets.

No, they're not.

There's nothing good.

In fact, I could go before a judge and successfully convince her that not only is there nothing good about this film, but there is one specific bad thing.

One very bad thing.

What would that be?

This movie came out in 1983.

In 1986, the great band Frankie Goes to Hollywood released a song called Warriors of the Wasteland.

Ooh, I remember that song.

They're the warriors of the wasteland and they're riding all around...

They're the warriors of the wasteland... And they're coming to your town!

No, that's not how the song went at all.

I can't believe they wrote a song about this movie.

Were they big fans of it or something?

I hope not.

Goodness me, I hope not.

The song only reached number 19 on the UK charts.

It was their first one not to break the top five.

Critics hated the song.

One critic called it appalling, tame and useless.

I liked it, however, but some say it ruined their career.

Wait, wait.

I remember those Freddie goes to Hollywood guys, but I haven't heard anything about them in a very long while.

No, you haven't, have you?

I'm not saying having a song with the same name in this movie, cursed them.

I'm merely chronicling events.

If you want to link the events, I will not stand in your way.

Some people firmly believe a song with the same name as this movie put them on a greased pole to the dollar bin at the gas station.

Now I know it could just be a coincidence, but I'll leave it up to you folks at home to just make the final decision.

Have there been a lot of movies with the same names as popular songs?

Depends on what you mean by popular, but yeah, sure.

Most of the time the songs have absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

Iggy Pop had a song called Lust for Life, and it had nothing to do with the Kirk Douglas movie of the same name.

New Order had a song called Thieves Like US, based on the poster for a Robert Altman movie they once saw.

But the song also had nothing to do with the movie.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Joy Division's In A Lonely Place was also the title of a 1950 Humphrey Bogart movie.

Again, Nothing to do with the movie.

But sometimes there are songs written specifically for the movies, right?

Well, sure.

For example, you have a view to a kill by one of my favorite bands, Duran Duran.

That song was written for the James Bond film of the same name.

Duran Duran itself was loosely named after a character in the movie called Barbarella.

Did this movie we are watching tonight have any good songs in it?

The soundtrack to this movie sounds like someone set up a floor full of cheap Casio keyboard knockoffs and led a pack of feral cats loose and just recorded whatever sounds the cats made as ran over the keyboard.

You know, I bet I could write me a good song about tonight's movie.

No one could not.

Even if John Lennon, Simon LeBon, and Conway Twitty locked themselves in a room and vowed not to come out until they had a good one.

Look, Frankie goes to Hollywood.

Probably didn't even know about this movie.

It's just one of those crazy coincidences in life.

Things happen.

However, I still blame this movie for hurting poor Holly Johnson's reputation and career.

But why boss?

I don't know who this Holly Johnson broad is, but I doubt she even saw this movie.

Holly Johnson is the lead singer for Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

And I blame this movie because I'm a vindictive and spiteful man and I hold a grudge.

I changed my mind.

This movie ruined poor Holly's career.

If I ever meet the people who made this movie, I will exact my revenge for what they did to Frankie.

Goes to Hollywood, folks.

Let's get back to Warriors of the Wasteland, a movie one critic called shamelessly watered down, warmed over version of Mad Max two.

Here on Nightmare Theatre.

<b>(guttural grunting)</b> <b>(groan)</b> <b>- Who did this?</b> <b>- What difference does it make?</b> <b>Survival means nothing</b> <b>anymore.</b> <b>The end - the end is </b> <b>already here.

</b> <b>Maybe it's just as well.</b> <b>(laser blasts) </b> <b>try to</b> <b>Hey, man!</b> <b>try to</b> <b>You have a shot left</b> <b>for me?</b> <b>Please?</b> <b>(laser blast)</b> <b>- Get out of there!</b> <b>Not bad.</b> <b>- I almost beat you</b> <b>this battle!</b> <b>You're slowing down.</b> <b>- Yeah, you got pretty close.</b> <b>Keep practicing, though.</b> <b>- Hey, I can't believe you've</b> <b>come here, like, only to play.</b> <b>- Oh, you guessed right, genius.</b> <b>Uh, there's something</b> <b>wrong with the gearshift.</b> <b>Do you think you can fix it?</b> <b>- Sure!</b> <b>Open up</b> <b>Mm hmm.

Hmm!

</b> <b>- Well?

</b> <b>Fnd the trouble?</b> <b>- Big trouble.</b> <b>Who was this?</b> <b>- Some guy.</b> <b>I'll give you an hour.</b> <b>- Okay.</b> <b>- See, it's perfect!</b> <b>You're not such a hot driver,</b> <b>you know that.</b> <b>Keep practicing, though.</b> <b>Hang loose, hot rod!</b> <b>Come back soon!</b> <b>(uptempo synthesizer music)</b> <b>- Drop, Drop!

the net!</b> <b>-What the hell?

</b> <b>You stay right there!</b> <b>- Get out!</b> <b>(dramatic music)</b> <b>Shadow!

Shadow!</b> <b>- Don't move!</b> <b>He'll rip you to pieces.

Idiot!</b> <b>- Let go of me!</b> <b>- I thought you were </b> <b>dead, Scorpion.</b> <b>- And I thought you were done</b> <b>playing watchdog, Shadow.</b> <b>- I guess we were both wrong.</b> <b>- Yeah.</b> <b>- Gonna have to tell One</b> <b>we saw you,</b> <b>and I don't think</b> <b>One is going to like it.</b> <b>- Neither will you if it </b> <b>happens again.</b> <b>- I'll tell him you spared Mako.</b> <b>Okay?</b> <b>It could be a good way</b> <b>to make peace.</b> <b>- I'm only at peace </b> <b>with dead Templars.</b> <b>- Hey Scorpion!</b> <b>You fight, you kill, you rob.</b> <b>How the hell are you</b> <b>any different from us?</b> <b>- One wants to exterminate</b> <b>all human beings, </b> <b>so life will be erased </b> <b>from this planet, right?</b> <b>Well, now you know </b> <b>how I'm different.</b> <b>Me, I want to live!</b> <b>(winces)</b> <b>- Are you hurt?</b> <b>(classical music plays)</b> <b>- Scorpion?</b> <b>Scorpion.</b> <b>As usual.</b> <b>Hell knows where </b> <b>he's coming from,</b> <b>and hell knows where he's going.</b> <b>- The trouble is when he stops.</b> <b>What if he stops right here?</b> <b>Make for a messy situation.</b> <b>How about a little preemptive</b> <b>destruction?</b> <b>There are plenty of us, even</b> <b>against a maniac like him.</b> <b>-True.</b> <b>But how many of you</b> <b>will live to brag about it?</b> <b>- Are you forgetting how </b> <b>ridiculous he made you look?</b> <b>He calls us worse than animals.</b> <b>You can't forget that!</b> <b>- I forgave him.</b> <b>- You forgave him?</b> <b>Do you also forgive him for</b> <b>being tougher than you are?</b> <b>None of us forgives him</b> <b>for all he's done to us.</b> <b>I say kill the man, One!</b> <b>Waste him!</b> <b>- No!</b> <b>- He's come back to taunt you</b> <b>through Mako.

</b> <b>What are you waiting for?</b> <b>For him to do it again?</b> <b>For him to challenge you</b> <b>to another duel?</b> <b>- It would mean his death.</b> <b>Mere blood is not enough for me.</b> <b>No, Scorpion, you have to</b> <b>give me much more.</b> <b>Your pride,</b> <b>and your soul.</b> Hello and welcome back, folks.

I've seen more than my fair share of bad movies, but this one takes the cake.

It won a cake boss?

That's just an expression...

This is literally one of the worst movies ever made before.

You say anything stupid, like anything at all.

I do not want to talk about this movie.

Good, because I've been wanting to ask you something about the serial thing we watched earlier.

I don't want to talk about that either.

I was thinking about this where the serial takes place.

Why?

You know it just interests me.

You know, I have a burning desire to know all I can about everything under the sun.

That's a boldfaced lie.

But this place where it all happens.

Atlanta, right?

Atlantis.

That's right, Atlantis.

Tell me about that, please.

I can't.

It's not a real place.

It's just a place Plato talked about once in one of his dialogs.

You might as well ask me about the Tooth Fairies workshop in Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Oh, you know about that place?

that lady owes me for nine teeth.

You only get paid for your own teeth.

Show me where it says that Show me where it says that.

The rule just says I have to put a tooth under my pillow and I get a quarter.

It doesn't have to say.

It doesn't say it has be my own tooth, but I will settle my score with that tooth fairy when I see him.

Right now I want to know more about that place up there.

Atlantis.

if you want to know about Atlantis, there are about 68 million books on the subject.

For those you can read Charles Berlitz's The Mystery of Atlantis is a good one to start with.

Ooh.

Has he been to Atlantis?

No one has been to Atlantis.

Wow!

But, you know, I bet a lot of people would want to go to Atlantis.

Well, I'm sure people would.

So, you know, if someone started, I don't know, an Atlantis touring company, I bet it would do good business.

Atlantis hasn't even been found.

But what if someone did find it?

Then that person would be the most famous person on the planet for a few weeks.

Folks have searched for Atlantis for centuries.

If someone did find it, then tours would be great.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Oh, no, no.

I got late to it.

We could set up tours in no time, boss, but I'll find it's a good spot out in the water.

I'll throw some statues over, maybe.

Maybe some broken pottery or maybe a pyramid or something.

We'll get us a boat and throw some stuff over and we can tell people we have found Atlantis.

No one is going to believe that.

Oh, we'll find some square John and slip him 20 bucks and he can claim he's a professor.

I don't know I don't know of Atlanta studies.

and he'll give us the academic street cred we need.

No, no professional man is going to do that.

We'll get some homeless dude.

I know lots of them and we'll hose 'em dow We'll pay him off.

We'll pay them off with some of the steaks I found earlier and we'll keep him sober just long enough to tell the media he believes he has found Atlantis.

This will work.

No, it won't.

Look, I am not sure if Atlantis existed or not.

Some say it was just a metaphor for a society that got too big too fast.

Some say it's supposed to keep us humble and focused.

Some say Plato made the whole thing up just to impress his drinking buddies.

I still think there is money to be made out there.

There are lots of rubes that want to see Atlantis.

Atlantis is not the only lost continent or lost civilization myth out there.

There are countless stories.

There's Lemuria in the Indian Ocean, Avalon in great Britain, Mu in the Pacific Ocean, El Dorado in Central America, and even Shangri-La near Tibet.

So we can immediately expand our business.

Sapo's guided tour of Sha-na-na... Shangri-La.

Here's why there are so many stories like Atlantis.

We want to believe there was a golden time.

We want to believe there was a wonderful past that existed before all things went to hell.

Like the people in this God awful movie, they recall a better time.

What could be a better time than right here, right now?

I mean, there is no other place that I want to be.

Literally any moment in history would be better than right now.

But here's something interesting.

One theory suggests Atlantis was a Greek metaphor for the big Bang Theory.

I hate that show.

Amen... but I'm not talking about the show.

I mean, the event, Sea, Sapo, Atlantis was meant to signify a totally profound event.

The cataclysm of cataclysms that disrupted the universe at the beginning of all time.

All life and cultures spread forth.

Atlantis blew up real good and everything spread out from that explosion.

It's just a metaphor.

I still think we can make a few bucks.

Given Atlantis tours, I'd make a fine underwater guide and I could say, And on your left side, we see the remains of, the tower of Sapo the first.

The first true king of Atlanta.

How are you going to talk to people underwater?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

I guess I could yell really loud or something.

No one is going to believe the man who can't find a good movie found Atlantis.

I don't know if Atlantis is real.

I, the serial you're subjecting us to is supposed to take place there.

If it is a real place, I hope it stays hidden for all time, folks.

Speaking of things that should have stayed hidden for all time, let's get back to the movie.

Some call The New Barbarians Some call Warriros of the Wasteland, but I call a terrible waste of time here on Nightmare Theatre.

<b>(funk music)</b> <b>- With all the Templars around,</b> <b>you women are getting rare.</b> <b>(winces in pain)</b> <b>-Ow, oh!</b> <b>- Let's see what I can do.</b> <b>Well, I can stop the pain </b> <b>for a while.</b> <b>But then we got to find somebody</b> <b>who knows medicine.</b> <b>Stay still.</b> <b>- I thought you... </b> <b>- What?</b> <b>- Well, nothing.</b> <b>Only you're not</b> <b>what I was expecting.</b> <b>Why are you doing this?</b> <b>- Why, shouldn't I?</b> <b>Do you really believe</b> <b>there's still a civilization</b> <b>somewhere in the world?</b> <b>What would you do</b> <b>if there isn't?</b> <b>You haven't lost hope either.</b> <b>What makes you think so?</b> <b>Otherwise,</b> <b>why would you continue to fight?</b> <b>I fight to survive.</b> <b>-Look out, the bomb!

The bomb!</b> <b>- No!

He's mine!</b> <b>(fighting sounds)</b> <b>-Take them back to One.</b> <b>If he sent them., </b> <b>this is my answer.</b> <b>If he didn't,</b> <b>this is my warning.</b> Hello and welcome back.

I warned you about this movie.

I told you it was bad.

Yet I'm proud of you for sticking with me.

Hey, boss.

I'm still with you too.

Cradle to grave.

You and me joined at the hip.

I'm starting to get up.

Don't bring me back down... Boss!

I just remembered something.

We had so much fun talking about the serial and so much fun talking about great songs.

We forgot to talk about the director and the cast.

I wasn't having fun and I did not forget I was deliberately avoiding the subject I was hoping you'd forget.

Never tell me little bit about this director.

I'd rather not.

But if you insist, I will.

His name is Enzo G. Castellari.

Here is all you need to know about him.

In 1979, he was offered the chance to direct a movie called Zombie, but he asked for too much money and essentially became impossible to deal with.

So the producers let Lucio Fuci direct Zombie, and it became a cult classic.

In 1981, the same producers gave Enzo the chance to direct a movie called The Last Shark.

He agreed this time.

The Last Shark was sued for being a rip off of Jaws and was pulled from theaters.

But they let this movie play in the theaters.

Yep, the world is a mystery sometimes.

Why do they turn this bad bad movie loose on the public?

It's something I'll never understand.

There's got to be something good in this thing.

Nope.

Maybe.

Maybe the cast.

Maybe there's somebody good there.

It's got George Eastman and Giancarlo Prete.

And before you say anything, I know you've never heard of them.

There's nothing good in this movie.

Are you sure?

I am positive.

What about that one?

Nope.

Nope.

Nothing good?

No, no.

There's nothing good here.

But what about what I want?

What about?

What about nothing?

Well, come on.

What about.

No, come on.

Okay, fine.

Perry Mason.

I admit it.

There.

One good thing here.

This movie has Fred Williamson in it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Fred Williamson must be that little kid.

No, Fred Williamson plays Nadir, and Fred is one smooth, cool dude.

That's what the guys at the biker bar say about me.

I doubt that Williamson is the real deal.

He was in some great movies, like Through the Hard Way in 1974, The Big Score in 1983, Modern audiences saw him, and From Dusk Till Dawn in 1996, all those great movies.

And you bring us this one.

Well, is he good in this movie?

He was as good as he could be, given what he had to work with.

I think he dresses like a cool guy.

He is a cool guy.

The man has a cool nickname to The Hammer.

Because he was a carpenter.

No.

When he played football, he was known to hit people so hard like a hammer.

He played in both college and the pros.

He has black belts in several forms of martial arts.

And get this, he speaks fluent Italian.

Oh, and he's a friend of mine, too.

I'm going to try to be more like that guy.

Good luck.

I bet I can pull up.

Pull that look off, at least.

No, you can't.

And if you try to dress like him and act like him, I will call Fred and tell him what you're doing.

And he will come down here and show you why they call him the hammer.

He might be flattered and take me out to lunch.

He'll take you to the hospital!

Folks... Let's get back to the movie that stars one of the hippest, coolest dudes in the world yet is still a terrible, terrible movie.

Warriors of the Wasteland, or whatever you want to call it, I don't care.

Here on Nightmare Theatre.

<b>- Scorpion!</b> <b>- You took your sweet time, </b> <b>Nadir.</b> <b>- I enjoyed watching</b> <b>your little game of war.</b> <b>I didn't know that</b> <b>you wanted my help.</b> <b>It appears as though </b> <b>you needed it anyway.</b> <b>- Maybe,</b> <b>but I would have handled it</b> <b>without your help.</b> <b>- This one in love with you too?</b> <b>- That I didn't ask her.</b> <b>I just asked her</b> <b>to blow your brains out,</b> <b>if necessary.</b> <b>- Really?</b> <b>What are your plans</b> <b>now, Scorpion?</b> <b>- Whatever they are,</b> <b>they don't include you.</b> <b>- That's a pity.</b> <b>You looked like</b> <b>you were having so much fun.</b> <b>You know that's</b> <b>your defect, Scorpion.</b> <b>You don't understand</b> <b>the power of victory!</b> <b>- You know what yours is?</b> <b>You take the idea of being</b> <b>the strongest too seriously.</b> <b>- Ah, well, it's easy</b> <b>to take something serious</b> <b>that's true.</b> <b>No, put it down.

</b> <b>How long have you been together?</b> <b>- I didn't do it to her.</b> <b>- Yeah, well,</b> <b>that's your business.</b> <b>I just passed a caravan</b> <b>some ways back.</b> <b>Maybe there's someone there</b> <b>who can help her.</b> <b>Follow me.</b> <b>You knew our rules.</b> <b>Make,</b> <b>disobey, and you die.</b> <b>I'd have shown you</b> <b>no more mercy.</b> <b>Then I'll show your followers</b> <b>because we know no mercy.</b> <b>Oh, we are the Templars,</b> <b>the warriors of vengeance.</b> <b>We are the Templars,</b> <b>the high priests of death.</b> <b>We have been</b> <b>chosen to make others pay</b> <b>for the crime of being alive.</b> <b>We guarantee that all humanity,</b> <b>accomplices and heirs</b> <b>of the nuclear holocaust</b> <b>will be wiped out once</b> <b>and for all.</b> <b>That the seed of man</b> <b>will be canceled forever</b> <b>from the face of the earth.</b> <b>And you may come</b> <b>for the chosen one</b> <b>among the Templars.</b> <b>My heart bleeds</b> <b>because you disobeyed the rules</b> <b>and preceded us</b> <b>into the great darkness.</b> <b>But you erred because you wanted</b> <b>to be worthy of one.</b> <b>And for this, we will honor you.</b> <b>We will offer you a</b> <b>thousand, 10,000 stupid lives.</b> <b>So I say to you, Templars</b> <b>hate, hate</b> <b>with all your hearts, hate,</b> <b>hate and exterminate one,</b> <b>111111 scorpion.</b> <b>Find a scorpion and kill him.</b> <b>No vengeance will be mine alone.</b> <b>No one</b> <b>Father!

We have visitors!</b> <b>- They're so scared they could</b> <b>start shooting any second.</b> <b>- Yeah.</b> <b>Tthere's only one way </b> <b>to find out.</b> <b>- Wait.</b> <b>What do you want?</b> <b>- This woman possibly </b> <b>has a broken shoulder.</b> <b>Is there anybody here</b> <b>who can do anything about it?</b> <b>I'll make a trade with you.</b> <b>We've got some food.</b> <b>- No, it's not necessary.</b> <b>We look not for rewards.</b> <b>Step forward.</b> <b>- How come they don't want</b> <b>anything?</b> <b>- They are people from a sect.</b> <b>They believe in something</b> <b>called God.</b> <b>- We have nothing to fear.</b> <b>These people come in peace.</b> <b>Take her to Wiz.</b> <b>I don't know who you are.</b> <b>Only that you come in peace.</b> <b>But one thing I want to ask you.</b> <b>Have you seen any Templars?

</b> <b>- Too close for comfort.</b> <b>- I suggest you leave </b> <b>right away.</b> <b>- Unfortunately, we can't move </b> <b>on for another two days.</b> <b>A lot of our trucks</b> <b>are falling apart.</b> <b>Maybe our friends would like</b> <b>some rest, some refreshment.</b> <b>Show them the way.</b> <b>- May I help you?</b> <b>- Oh, Vinya.</b> <b>This is Vinya.

</b> <b>Whatever you need,</b> <b>she'll take care of it.</b> <b>- I've never had</b> <b>any real medical training</b> <b>or any other kind of training.</b> <b>But whenever anything</b> <b>has to be fixed or repaired,</b> <b>they come to me to do it.</b> <b>That's why they call me the Wiz.</b> <b>- Oh, thanks.</b> <b>- All fixed up.

</b> <b>Anyway, she'll be traveling</b> <b>with me.</b> <b>- They asked me if I wanted </b> <b>to leave with them</b> <b>and I said yes.</b> <b>Say you'll leave, too.</b> <b>- The Templars are</b> <b>looking for me.</b> <b>If I stick around,</b> <b>I'll draw them to you.</b> <b>- Can't you believe there's</b> <b>something better </b> <b>where we're headed?</b> <b>- Heaven is dead</b> <b>along with all the rest.</b> <b>- If that's what you really </b> <b>think, I feel sorry for you.</b> <b>-So where does dreaming</b> <b>of the past get you?</b> <b>Listen to me.</b> <b>Forget about it.</b> <b>It's better to have no memories.</b> <b>Can I butt in a second?</b> <b>- You leaving already?</b> <b>- Can't stay in one place </b> <b>for long.</b> <b>Too many people are running</b> <b>after me.</b> <b>- See you later.</b> <b>I'll find you.</b> <b>Always do.</b> <b>- Yeah, I know.</b> <b>- Bye.</b> <b>- Right.

</b> <b>- Bye!</b> <b>- Bye.

</b> Okay, Mittens, so the boss says I can't dress like that Fred Wilson guy.

What's that?

What's that?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fred Williamson.

So I can't wear a leather suit and sashay around the desert.

I can still wave a crossbow around like a tough guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right.

You're right.

I better put this away.

I know, I know.

Let's you and me pretend we are watching one of those movies like Warriors of the Waistband or whatever.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Warriors of the Wasteland.

Here we go.

Yeah, let me start.

It's the year 3475.

Most of the world lies in ruins after the fall of the empire of the Trog of Desiders... And from out of the Western lands, the ones over there by that ice cream place that used to be the place it had the fruity sprinkles?

It had a green roof.

Two heroes emerge with his trusty werewolf companion at his side.

Here comes the Justice Rider!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're right, that's a bad name.

That's a stupid name.

Let me see the Masked Biker!

No, that's not good.

I got to think like one of them movie writers.

What's a good name for me?

What's a good name for me?

Clutch, Jackhammer, Big PeeWee, Janitor, Drum Plunger, Fly Swatter, Anvil, Marshmallow!

No, those aint no good.

What?

Oh, sure!

Skillet is a darn good name for you.

I just have to come up with one just as cool for me.

Let me try again.

Maybe I could be Dutch Oven.

No, no...Crackpot and Skillet!

No, Cornbread and Skillet!

That's it.

That's it.

Let's try again... A lawless land needs heroes.

From out of the misty west comes Earth's last heroes When freedom is on the line, Cornbread and Skillet will save the day.

What you what are you two doing?

I just got to thinking about the movie, boss.

And and and that made you want to play with toys?

Well, you know, we were we were having a little bit of fun and.

I thought it might be fun to pretend we were in a movie of our own.

I mean, it couldn't be possibly any worse than the one we're watching.

Wait, that guy on the bike is supposed to be you.

I think it kind of looks like me.

Sorta.

Yeah.

Yeah, it looks just like a spitting image, in fact.

I think so.

You know, I wonder if I could sue the people who made this action figure.

You mean, doll?

No, no, no, no.

It is not a doll.

It is an action figure.

I wonder if I could sue them for gimmick infringement.

It really does look just like me.

It looks nothing like you.

You should get one of those pop and fresh dolls and put a mask on them.

Then you would have someone who looks like you.

But I bet I could pull off this action hero role, you know?

So as long as I didn't have to run or climb up any high ladder or anything, mittens and I would make a good team.

Cornbread and skillet.

No way.

Which one are you again?

I'm cornbread.

So it really should be called Skillet and Cornbread.

Mittens should be the lead guy.

You'd be the silent sidekick.

In fact, you should probably drop yourself altogether from marketing.

Just have the poster say when things get hot, call Skillet!

Starring Mittens.

what?

That.

That would be a good movie.

Skillet on a motorcycle saving the world.

I guess I see that.

And and speaking of movies, let's get back to a movie not even Mittens could save.

Warriors of the Wasteland here on Nightmare Theater.

Maybe I could try to be more like that Fred guy?

Good Lord, Sapo, put that thing away.

What are you doing, folks?

Let's get back to the movie.

Sheesh.

<b>You didn't</b> <b>want to live as a templar,</b> <b>but you'll die as one</b> <b>- Supreme One!</b> <b>Supreme One, </b> <b>a caravan!

</b> <b>The biggest we've ever seen!</b> <b>- Let's kick it!</b> <b>Finish them off.</b> <b>I don't want anything left</b> <b>but pieces.</b> <b>-Finish the bastard off!</b> <b>Let's go!</b> <b>- You always seem to </b> <b>be getting yourself </b> <b>into trouble, Scorpion.</b> <b>Possibly you need my assistance?</b> <b>- Yeah.</b> <b>You could help me up.</b> <b>(scoffs)</b> Hello and welcome back.

So, Warriors of the Wasteland.

I was thinking about something you said earlier.

About finding better movies from now on.

I don't remember talking about that.

Uh, figures...

I was thinking about something about what's going to happen after society collapses.

Well, I'll be safe in my bunker.

Solar power, underground streams of pure, clear water, geothermal heating when I need it.

Air purification systems.

I mean, really, I won't know the difference between then and now.

My solar powered microwave is going to make great popcorn.

Am I going to have my own room in this bunker or will I have to buddy up with Mittens?

No, no.

You'll be outside of the bunker.

Outside, like you like out there?

Yeah.

Somebody has to keep the sprinkler on so the grass doesn't turn brown and someone has to keep the pigeons off that statue of me and Mittens.

Future generations will appreciate my clean statue and nice lawn.

You should feel honored to play a role in how history will remember me.

And what does that mean?

I'll be out there with them.

The mutants and them weirdos.

You'll flourish in that environment.

You might get elected to high office.

They recognize you as their leader.

But what about you and Mittens?

What about us?

I've videotaped over 100,000 hours of the game show network, and I've acquired every single episode of One Life to Live on DVD.

When the apocalypse hits, Mittens and I won't be bored.

But ah ha!

What are you going to do about food?

We're going to be absolutely fine.

I have enough canned goods to last me and Mittens a thousand years.

Those double coupon days paid off in spades.

But what about those people that didn't plan ahead?

Well, that's their hard luck.

So I guess food will be scarce.

Most likely.

I mean, sure, there'll be hordes of rats and other type of varmints.

I guess some could trap and eat those and maybe make socks or gloves out of the hides.

But what most people consider to be food will be very hard to find.

So I guess there will be a need for people who have real food to sell.

There will be all kinds of needs.

A competent man with skills be in high demand.

I bet prepackaged survival items will be worth their weight in gold.

Well, technically, a bar of gold won't mean much after all the financial markets crash.

But you can bet after the apocalypse, an old watermelon rind will be worth its weight in gold.

So I guess it's a good thing I'll be out there among the mutants ready to fulfill any and all food needs.

Yeah, sure whatever.

Wait, a minute... Ah!

Too late.

Too late.

Look, folks, when that button is pressed and the radio lets us know that it's not a test, there's going to be food shortages.

Yes.

When the whole world goes to heck in a handbasket and empires collapsed and you find yourself a member of a small, ragtag, band of survivors scavenging for food, you're really going to get hungry once in a while.

So it's nice to know you can depend upon the good people and.

Stop.

Your stable semi hygienic kitchens of Sapotec foods LLC.

We have created a series of shelf stable meals that are guaranteed to give you the nutrition you need to aimlessly wander through the war ravaged hellscape.

You want to wrap this up?

Yes.

We offer two lines of products that are sure to appeal to just about any palate.

First, for you fans of Tex-Mex and Irish Fusion, we have Old El Sapo Southern Irish Stew.

And I personally selected the meat for this.

You can't sell that meat.

The people.

The FDA will be long gone by the time these things hit the market.

Besides, I needed a special kind of meat for my Tex-Mex Irish food and I found it.

Nobody thinks combining Irish cuisine and Tex-Mex cuisine is a good idea.

Those countries are so close together.

Boss, I figured that combining them was a no brainer.

No brainer?

Well, you're the man for that job, are you about done?

Not even close.

For those of you who like down home country cooking served comfort style... We have Maw Maw Van Doren.

Old timey Possum Pie with huckleberry dres Remove my sainted maw maw from that package at once.

I will not have you sully her good name.

But it's her recipe boss.

I tried her four cans of snuff for it and a bottle of whiskey!

Lies!

And the secret ingredient in each box is.. LOVE.

When post-apocalyptic hunger strike, just make your way across the forbidden mountain over the swamps of sorrows But be careful to avoid the roving bands of murderous thugs.

And you'll see me and I'll eventually be happy to sell you on one or both these meals.

What are people going to use for money?

Whiskey, tobacco, tobacco, whiskey.

You know, whatever they have.

How do people prepare those meals?

Sapo.

2 minutes in the microwave, boss.

Stir one minute more in the microwave.

And this is the most important it all.

You have to let it set for one more minute and then you eat it.

Let me ask you something.

How are people going to run microwaves when the power grids are down?

Uh huh.

Maybe you can let them use your solar power one.

If I'm not letting you in, do you think I'm going to let the other rabbel in?

I don't want to be an alarmist, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to prep for disaster.

Maybe not for the end of the world, but disasters can take many forms.

Take Sapo, for example.

Disaster can strike at any moment, stockpile some water and canned goods just in case.

Good ideas.

Hey, boss.

You want me to heat up one of these possum pie meals for you?

It's you Maw Maw's recipe, you know.

You know it is not.

And I demand you remove her likeness and name.

Folks, let's get back to this God awful movie.

Takes a few minutes in the microwave.

No, thank you.

<b>- We got visitors!</b> <b>- Who is it?</b> <b>- Templars!</b> <b>It's the Templars!</b> <b>- Come on!</b> <b>Come on, everyone</b> <b>to your stations!</b> <b>- Take cover!</b> <b>- Come, come with me.

</b> <b>- Let me go!</b> <b>- You can't even stand up.</b> <b>Just calm down.</b> <b>You need your energy.</b> <b>Here lies the great</b> <b>Scorpion, in pain!

</b> <b>Victim of the big bad Templars.</b> <b>All you had to do was ask,</b> <b>"Nadir, I need your help.

"</b> <b>You are not so great now, </b> <b>Scorpion.</b> <b>- Nyaah!</b> <b>- Those three haven't </b> <b>shown up yet, One.</b> <b>- Who?</b> <b>- The guys we left behind</b> <b>to finish him off.</b> <b>- Scorpion?</b> <b>He can't be!

</b> <b>Against the wall.

</b> <b>- Move!</b> <b>- I'll teach them what truth is.</b> <b>- Have courage.</b> <b>- Get a move on in there,</b> <b>or I'll have your hide!</b> <b>- Gimme a break, will ya?

</b> <b>Get off my case!</b> <b>- Faster.</b> <b>Faster!</b> <b>Try harder.

Try harder!</b> <b>You're a coward.</b> <b>No courage!</b> <b>You are no match for me,</b> <b>Scorpion, you are nothing!</b> <b>Use that anger, control it.</b> <b>You shall know</b> <b>the power of victory!</b> <b>You are still too slow.</b> <b>- Slow?

I say.

I'm ready.</b> <b>- If I say you are slow,</b> <b>you are slow.</b> <b>I'm coming with you.</b> <b>- Nobody asked you!</b> <b>- Don't flatter yourself,</b> <b>Scorpion.</b> <b>I'm not doing this for you.</b> <b>- Then who the hell </b> <b>are you doing it for?</b> <b>- Yours truly.</b> <b>A good fight is always </b> <b>exciting to me.</b> <b>- Forget it.</b> <b>This is my affair.</b> <b>- Mine, yours, his.</b> <b>What's the difference?</b> <b>Wise up, Scorpion, the more</b> <b>we are the better!</b> <b>There's only one thing </b> <b>that matters.

Winning!</b> <b>(chuckles)</b> <b>And the more of a bastard you</b> <b>are, the surer you are to win!</b> <b>Do it, Nadir!</b> <b>(laughs)</b> Yo.

This is Fred "The Hammer" Williamson.

You're watching Nightmare Theatre.

Alright?

Alright.

See, what happened is this goat, it ate a whole bunch of dynamite.

How did a goat get dynamite?

It just got it.

And Barney was afraid, boom, that the whole town was going to blow up.

Oh, and Otis, he kept kicking to go right to do go was full of dynamite and boom.

That's the drummer member.

Yeah.

That's how the town of Mayberry got blown up.

Oh, okay.

Um, I don't.

I don't get it.

All right, well, look who it is.

Everyone.

It's our friend, the mysterious curator down here in the sub sub sub sub basement of the television studio.

And he's brought us another wonderful prop from the Merrill Movie Museum.

And so take it away, curator.

What do we have here today?

Is this some kind of a new Tupperware thing or what?

What is.

This?

This is how Sirius XM radio comes into your car.

Wow.

Now, actually, this is a this is actually a newer, newer piece.

This is from the movie Space Cowboys.

1248 01:36:46,734 --> 01:36:49,436 And yeah, this is a this is an interesting piece because this is not just like a standard prop.

A lot of times when we bring items onto the show, they are things that you would see directly on screen and in the show.

You know, models.

This is a model, but this is a model that was then used as a stand in and scanned and then recreated, enhanced with, which is something that happens a lot of times in newer productions and CGI has become prominent.

They sometimes will make a model.

And even though this looks pretty detailed, this doesn't look so detailed that it would look really great on camera because it doesn't have to.

They would then, you know, scan this into the computer.

They'd work over as a model and then they'd build something that looked really cool right in the computer for CGI.

But this this piece would have been used to stand in for the satellite that ended up being a nuclear launch satellite.

So so this would have been probably this could have been used in one of the movies we show just as it is.

But now with CGI technology, we can make it look a lot more complex and interesting looking than say something from Plan 9 From Outer Space or you know, that came from beyond space.

Or one of the movies that we've shown that has space elements to it.

Yeah, I think, you know, even if.

This had been if this movie had been made maybe 20 years earlier, they would have made a model like this, but they would have gone out of their way to make it look more detailed and realistic than this particular model, even though this does look pretty good and probably won't pass muster in a lot of films.

And, you know, it does have, you know, moving parts to it.

And, you know, there's there's a lot.

Of.

Different instruments and it's a cool piece, but it's even cooler when you think about how this is used and and how this is represents kind of a step forward.

And the movie making process.

Right.

And so who who would have made this film like what is there certain is this modern model builders in the film?

And yeah.

It would have been, you know, somebody that was working for it was hired for this movie that was hired to make models for this movie.

And then they would have probably worked hand in hand with the whatever effects company was hired to do.

The CGI for that.

What's it made out of.

I, I think it's largely wood.

You kind of really.

Yeah.

But there's a, you know, it's got some silver paint on there.

There's some plastic pieces that's painted.

Yeah, there's, there's some plastic pieces to it.

A lot of times a lot of these things are just kind of put together with whatever is going to look good.

Yeah.

And then they call it kit bashing.

Yes.

Or they'll take model kits that have already been done and sort of ad out certain elements of those.

Just take little pieces and glue them on here and make it look, you more more interesting, more intricate than it is, you know.

And some of that's changed because now with 3-D printing, people can do different things.

But this was really done in the old fashioned way where they were just putting this together.

Right, and machining their own parts, creating their own parts.

And these parts would slide in ideally.

Yeah.

Again, yeah, some of them.

They made you.

Move and some of them even they're not supposed to, but they do come out.

So that's a it's a very interesting problem.

And you know, and sometimes the props, you know, for movies that maybe weren't that great, but they're still they're still good, nice pieces of work.

They're nice pieces of art that these artists work a long time on.

So you know?

And we've seen that with other props that you brought in.

Like, you know, one of the props that you brought in was from the Hulk Hogan film Suburban Commando.

And it was a very detailed and interesting prop, not a great movie, but still a cool looking prop.

And that's that's what I love about this, is that we still get to see this artistry and we keep and folks like the folks, the Merrill Movie Museum and others are keeping that sort of thing alive by collecting and keeping these on display where people can see.

Well, and that's true across the movie making process, too.

I couple of years ago, the film The Suicide Squad won an Academy Award for hair and makeup.

It's not a very good film.

It's pretty much universally recognized and there was a lot of jeering about it.

Winning an Oscar.

You can't say that the artistry behind the hair, in the makeup in that film was not fantastic.

First rate.

There's always things and even in bad films that are done incredibly artistically.

We brought a number of Rick Baker pieces on the show before.

Rick Baker has done a lot of makeup for a lot of really bad Eddie Murphy movies.

Yes.

And then Oscar nominated or even won for them.

Movie itself may not have been great, but the artwork was great.

Well, thank you so much for bringing this and letting us see it and featuring it here.

And let's get back to the movie here on Nightmare Theatre.

If you want this, call me.

We'll work something out.

If the price is right, I can get it for you <b>- Idiots!

Dreamers!</b> <b>Don't you understand?</b> <b>The world is dead.</b> <b>We have all closed our eyes.</b> <b>Even the heavens are silent!</b> <b>You, and you, and you!</b> <b>You are walking dead,</b> <b>rotting corpses!</b> <b>There is nothing left.</b> <b>Nothing!</b> <b>Not even the signal</b> <b>you think hear, nothing!</b> <b>There's no more soul.</b> <b>There's no more hope.</b> <b>There's only one faith,</b> <b>one ecstasy,</b> <b>death!</b> <b>And death you shall have,</b> <b>you last ugly dregs of humanity!</b> <b>You're not deserve to live!</b> <b>- Hey, they're back.</b> <b>The ones I sent.</b> <b>- Shadow!</b> <b>Punish those clods.</b> <b>It's against the rules</b> <b>to interrupt me.</b> <b>What is it, Shadow?</b> <b>Shadow, answer!

</b> <b>- Watch it!</b> <b>It's a trap!</b> <b>Battle positions!

</b> <b>- Scorpion.</b> <b>What are you here for?</b> <b>- I'm here to kill you, One.</b> <b>- Scorpion!</b> <b>Did you really return </b> <b>to free these misfits?</b> <b>Look at them, the trash </b> <b>of Mankind.</b> <b>They've got no right to live.</b> <b>What the hell</b> <b>are you trying to prove?</b> <b>That you've got guts?</b> <b>That you're a big man?</b> <b>That you're a hero?</b> <b>Sure, an ego trip!</b> <b>That's all it is.</b> <b>You've got no reason to be here.</b> <b>Just want to prove you </b> <b>have it zeroed out, right?</b> <b>To whom?

</b> <b>To her?</b> <b>To them?</b> <b>Drop your little </b> <b>heat gun, Scorpion,</b> <b>or I'll waste this mob.</b> <b>I'm telling you, Scorpion.</b> <b>Drop it or I'll kill them all!</b> <b>One by one!</b> <b>- No!</b> <b>- Father!</b> <b>One by one!.</b> <b>Who's next?</b> <b>- Here he is!

Over there!</b> <b>After him!

Get him!

</b> Welcome back.

One thing we can say for sure, that was an ending.

The credits roll and that's a sure sign that a movie is ended.

As for how the story ended, I don't know.

And I don't care, you.

Know, I'm not sure either.

Maybe, maybe we could rewind it and watch a little bit more movie, could watch the whole thing again.

Have at it.

if that's you want to do as far as I'm concerned, I'm never going to speak to this movie again.

I was thinking we could cook up some of those steaks, crack open a few bottles of sarsaparilla and talk about the movie some more.

We are not eating those steaks Sapo.

I was just offering my services as Grill Master.

Pass.

Hard, hard pass and I am never going to talk about this movie again.

I still like the way that Fred Wilson guy dresses.

Like I said, he's the only good thing in this movie.

Speaking of movies, what do we have on tap for next week?

El Sapo?

We have this, boss!

(Eerie music drones on) How about that, boss?

Sapo, do you still have that crossbow thing?

Oh, sure I do, boss.

Sure I do.

Do you want to do some target practice?

Do you want to play William tell?

You want to play strikers and scabs?

No.

Have you heard of the Native American concept called the Run of the Arrow?

I don't believe that I have.

Well, allow me to explain.

Stay with me, because this is important.

I'm going to shoot an arrow into the air.

It's going to sail through the sky and stick into the ground somewhere, wherever it lands.

That's going to be your head start, mark.

You're going to take off running once you get to the arrow, Mittens and I are going to start chasing after you and not even Fred the Hammer Williamson will be able to help you if we catch you.

Folks, I'm sorry about tonight.

I really am.

So until we meet again, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(Triumphant music plays) Get!

(Thunder cracks) (Creepy music plays)