♪ (Waterboys "Don't Bang the Drum" plays) (voicemail beep) (door opens) ♪ (Waterboys "Don't Bang the Drum" plays) (door closes) ♪ (Waterboys "Don't Bang the Drum" plays) ♪ ("Don't Bang the Drum" plays) ♪ ("Don't Bang the Drum" plays) (water running) ♪ ("Don't Bang the Drum" plays) ♪ ("Don't Bang the Drum" plays) (voicemail beep) (paper rustles) (plate smashes) - Zack?

("Bad to the Bone" cell phone ringtone) - Zack... (motorbike buzzes by) (keys jingle & lock rattles) (cork pops) (liquid pours) (Victor groans) (thump) (water splashes) (coughes) (water splashes) (water splashing) (cell phone text message sound) - Oh... (door creaks open) - Hi!

(door creaks shut) - Oh yeah?

- Yeah!

(engine accelerates) (garage door opens) (bay door opens noisily) - Jesus... (bay door closes noisily) (garage door closes) (bay door opens noisily) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) Yeah.

(tires squeal) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) (ramp alarm sounds) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) (car alarms going off) (door slams) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) ♪ ("Waterboys" song plays) (scoffing) (water churning) (glasses clink) "Elevator Music".

♪ (lively music & singing) (nightclub sounds) - OK, let's play!

- All in and two.

Make your bets.

(ball spins & rattles) (Victor moans in distress) - Make your bets.

- And no more bets.

(ball spins & rattles) (smack) - Owww!

- Gentlemen, please!

(hum of ship engine) - Zack!

(electronic lock chirps) (door opens) (door closes) (Victor snores) (Victor snores) (Victor snores) (door opens) (Victor snores) ♪ (sentimental tone) (Zack sighs) (water splashing) ♪ (sentimental music) ♪ (sentimental music) (sea spray) (Victor groans) (ship engine humming) (ship engine humming & sea breeze) ♪ (sentimental music) (car brakes squeal) - Thanks very much.

- You're welcome.

Thank you!

(Zack yells in frustration) - Zack!

- Zack!

(horn honks) - Zack!

♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) (Victor whoops excitedly) ♪ ("Whole of the Moon" plays) (Victor whoops excitedly) ♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) ♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) (car engine revs & tires squeal) ♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) (truck horn blares) - Jesus Dad!

(tires squealing) ♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) ♪ (Victor sings along to "Whole of the Moon") - [radio host] A golden oldie there from The Waterboys, a band that's still alive and kicking; they're perfoming a homecoming concert in Edinburgh this coming Friday at the King's Theatre.

♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) - [radio host] We've been getting calls all day from people trying to get tickets but I'm sorry to disappoint you... the concert was sold out three months ago.

♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) - Hello.

- Are you Victor Mullock Brouwer?

- Yes I am!

- Rhona Greely.

PR, Lipson & Grace.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- That is, it would have been if you had stayed put.

- I beg your pardon?

- I waited at the airport for two hours before they found out you hadn't even boarded the plane in Amsterdam.

- It's Schiphol.

- Uh, and who are you?

- That's my son.

- Your son?

- Yes, I was told he coud come along.

- No you were not!

- Yes I was!

- I handle all such calls for the company and I surely would have remembered.

But if you say so.

No point in alienating the talent.

[Rhona] Tell me dear, what is the occupational logistic situation at this stage?

Fully booked?

(clears throat) I am sorry to inform you that this charming, family run hotel is fully booked.

You'll have to make do with the reserved single room.

- Well, thank you for trying.

- You have exactly 23 minutes to get organized, and then we'll set off for your best and only social engagement of the day.

- I'm looking forward to it already.

- Twenty TWO minutes.

- Sorry.

Twenty... - ONE minutes.

- Twenty!

(footsteps down hall) (keys jingle & door unlocks) - Well done gentlemen.

If you continue on this fitting we'll have a great time together.

- And if not?

- I'll leave that to your imagination.

- It's a dangerous thing to do with a writer.

- And not a very good one at that.

- I beg your pardon?

- Well if you WERE any good, we probably wouldn't have the honor of being your publisher.

(city street sounds) - [Rhona] As you can see, we love our writers, especially dead ones.

This is our man... and that's the son.

- And here's the man who bet his mortgage and company for your work.

- Thank you for the privilege!

- The honor is all mine!

Greely.

Horatio Greely.

- As in Rhona Greely?

- Indeed.

- Don't worry, he's my baby brother.

- Oh!

(chuckles) -I told you he was a flirt... - Half-brother.

Our father couldn't really keep his penis in his trousers.

- Well um, Horatio, this is my son Zacharius.

- (chuckles) As in Zacharius Bloemberg!

- Indeed!

- It's a pleasure to have you here Zacharius.

(laughter) - [Victor] Well it all started with Mr. Scott-- - Sir Walter Scott?

- No, a different Scott.

Mr. MIKE Scott.

(awkward silence) Of The Waterboys?

- Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

- "I saw the crescent and you saw..." (awkward silence) "I saw the crescent and you saw the whole of the moon!"

- The whole of the moon!"

Too far!

Too soon!

- OK Zack, it's OK. Well, The Waterboys... were a... great band of the 1980's, and Zack's mother and I were huge fans.

It was during a festival in the open air that it all started...

Rain was pouring down, it was pure magic.

And nobody around us could see what was happening underneath our ponchos.

And then it struck.

- Lightning!

- Inspiration!

- Bloemberg!

9 months later Zacharius came into being.

- Which one?

- That one!

But the inspector was born right there and then!

(cell phone text message sound) (chuckling) But you know what is the most fascinating part of this story?

(text message sound) Guess what happened to Mike Scott and Waterboys?

- Did they retire?

(text message sound) - No, they're actually performing this coming Friday right here in Edinburgh!

Can you believe that?

- That's amazing!

We must get you some tickets!

- That would be splendid Horatio!

- Rhona, you sort that out.

- She can't, the concert was sold out three months ago.

- Rhona will find a way, she always does!

- Thank you Rhona... thank you VERY much.

- Now, I ought really to wait until the official presentation on Friday, but I'm... so proud of the work that our designers have done, I'd really love to show you the dummy thing, so would that be alright?

- Oh, I love dummies!

- Here you are, enjoy!

- "The Corp at Salmon...

Neuk?"

- I thought it was translated into regular English?

- No, into Scots.

- Scottish?

- No, Scots.

- Is that a language?

Or a dialect?

- What he's trying to say is... what does "Neuk" mean?

- Well, that's the crime scene...isn't it Richardson?

- Well, in Dutch it was "Salmon Alley"... but I thought that was too Italian.

"Salmon Alley"... "Salmon-Elly".

So I changed it to "Salmon Neuk".

- I see what you mean.

- Are you fine with that Victor?

- Oh yeah, it's a great improvement.

But, what does it mean?

- What?

- Neuk?

- Neuk.

- Neuk!

- "Neewk"!

- "Neewk".

- "Nook".

- "Nook"?

- "Neewk"!

- I think it's "Nook".

(sighs) (urine splashes) (horn honking) (city street sounds) - Well have fun tomorrow, I hear you're a great angler.

- Well, I've caught a few in my life.

- (Horatio chuckles) I knew it!

The fishing scenes were so realistic, that could only have been written by a fellow sportsman.

- (chuckles) OK, Horatio.

- Evening, gents.

- See you, bye bye.

(text message sound) - Listen, whatever my little brother says I'm only going to do my best for those tickets if you do your best for me.

You got that?

- Yes ma'am!

- So you're going to take our fishing trip seriously?

- Of course I am!

(text message sound) - 1.50 each, bus 309.

(bus horn honks) Good luck.

(bus rumbles past) (bus rumbles past) (text message sound) (city street sounds) - Zack!

(text message sound) ♪ (Waterboys "A Man Is In Love" plays) ♪ (Waterboys "A Man Is In Love" plays) - What?

(door opens) (door closes) (city street sounds) (church bell tolls) (church bell tolls) (city street sounds) (text message sound) (text message sound) (text message sound) (text message sound) (text message sound) (water bubbles & splashes) (text message sound) (text message sound) (bed sheets rustle) - [Marius] Huh?

Elsbeth... (knocking on door) - Room service!

- (Victor singing) Lindsay was my first love ... she was in my class ... - I don't think I was, sir.

- Well if you were, he would have been our son!

- Just so you know, we're not lovers.

Which is also a song by The Waterboys!

- Actually...it's "We will Not Be Lovers."

- Fellow traveller!

- That would be my mom sir, not me.

- I'd love to meet her.

- I wish you could.

She died 10 years ago.

Who's the musician?

(Zack clears throat) - He is.

- Oh, I'm not a musician yet... - Neither is your dad.

(cart rattles) (door creaks shut) (vehicle engine starts) (vehicle accelerates away) - [Rhona] Would you guys mind speaking English when you're in my car?

Or would you prefer Scots?

- [Victor] I would prefer to shut up.

- [Rhona] Now we're talking!

♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) - Could you strike a pose for me please?

You know, fisherman- like sportsman type, struggling against the stream kind-of look.

♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) Good luck.

♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) (water rushing) - It was during a festival in the open air... rain was pouring down and nobody around us could see what was happening underneath our ponchos.

And then it struck... Bloemberg!

♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) - Let's catch some lunch.

♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) ♪ (Waterboys "Still A Freak" plays) - Who wants to carve it up?

(water flowing) (propane torch hisses) - What were you two waterboys talking about?

- Nothing.

- We're talking about my mother's boyfriend.

- Her boyfriend?

(laughs) Dad!

(meat sizzles) (fire crackling & birds chirping) (water flowing) - Enjoying the view?

- Do I detect a hint of jealousy here?

(door opens) - Hello!

(footsteps) (door closes) (door opens) (exasperated sigh) (door opens) - What happened to your brace?

- My brace?

Oh the... You noticed?

- Apparently.

- Uh, my...dad... threw it in a river.

- He did?

Why?

- Because he was pissed off.

- At you?

- No, at my mother.

Oh, I'm sorry!

For me mentioning my mom while your mom is dead!

- That's OK.

I have a great family now.

I have to admit, I couldn't resist needling your dad a bit.

- I told him my... mom has a lover.

- Does she?

- I don't know.

My girlfriend thinks she does.

- Your girlfriend?

- My ex-girlfriend.

- Ex-girlfriend... - My ex-girlfriend.

- Well... keep up the good work Zack.

Thank you Lindsay!

Actually...my name's Joann.

Lindsay had to go because of the downturn.

I took over her duties as well as her uniform.

You can call me Lindsay if you like.

(dishes clank) (silverware clanks) (Waterboys song plays) (Waterboys song plays) (silverware clanks) (door opens) (door closes) (bus rumbles & hisses) (city street sounds) (siren wailing) (city street sounds) (cello notes sound) (Waterboys "Edinburgh Castle" faintly heard) (cello notes sound) ♪ (cello plays over "Edinburgh Castle") (knocking on door) (door opens) - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb anyone.

- I just came for a listen.

- Umm... Yeah, that's fine.

(door closes) Um... ♪ (cello plays) ♪ (cello plays over "Edinburgh Castle") ♪ (cello plays final notes) - Thank you!

I have to go back to work now.

Thanks again.

(door closes) (cell phone text message sound) (cell phone text message sound) (door opens) - Good morning Sunshine!

(door opens) - "It takes two to tango."

(loud thump & commotion) (paper rustles) (door opens) (door closes) ♪ (sentimental Waterboys song) - It gives me great pleasure to introduce the first "Scots" copy of this book.

(light applause) - Well, thank you Sherlock for stealing my show.

♪ (sentimental Waterboys song over indistinct conversation) ♪ (sentimental Waterboys song) (cell phone vibrates) (water splashes) ♪ (sentimental Waterboys song) ♪ (sentimental Waterboys song over indistinct conversation) ♪ (sentimental Waterboys song) - Hi Joann.

- Hi Zack!

- Would you like to to go to a concert tonight with me?

- Tonight?

♪ (sentimental Waterboys song) - Victor?

Victor!

Victor!

If you're still interested in going to the Waterboys concert tonight, I'm close to the head of the Edinburgh tourist council; as soon as I told him what a big fan you are, he immediately pulled some strings.

I've got us tickets for the homecoming concert... and, I got them all by myself, Sis!

♪ (Waterboys rock song plays) - Do you want a beer?

(shouting) ♪ (Waterboys rock song plays) (audience cheers) ♪ ("Don't Bang The Drum" plays) (Victor sobs) (Victor sobs) (Victor sobs) (breathing heavily) (breathing heavily) (Victor sobs) ♪ (music heard faintly) ♪ (Waterboys "The Whole of the Moon" plays) (audience cheers) - Thank you!

Goodnight!

- Enjoy!

(heavy breathing & laughing) (door closes) (picture frame clatters) - Ohhhhh!

(liquid sloshing in bottle) (liquid sloshing in bottle) - (whispers) Hey!

(Victor chuckles) You OK?

- And you?

Who started?

- Hmm?

- At the concert?

I mean Zack and Lindsay!

- Ohhh!

Well he did.

- Yeah, he did?

- How did they get in?

How comes they were there?

- We had tickets all along... - Hmm?

- We had tickets all along.

Without knowing it!

My wife had bought them as a surprise.

- Hmm?

- Before we broke up.

- She still gave them to you?

Wow... She must really love you.

Well you deserve it.

(laughing) - Thank you.

(door opens) (door closes) ♪ (Waterboys "Open" faintly heard) ♪ (Waterboys "Open" plays) (loud cello note plays) ♪ (Waterboys "Open" plays) (knocking on door) - Room service!

- I won't bite, sir.

♪ (Waterboys "Open" plays over indistinct conversation) ♪ (Waterboys "Open" plays) (car doors close & engine starts) (car rumbles & seagulls squawk) (car humming) (metal thumps) (foghorn blows) ♪ (Waterboys song plays)