>> IT’S SUMMER!

THAT SPECIAL TIME WHEN PEOPLE ARE HANGING OUT BY THE POOL.

THE DAYS GET MUGGY AND BUGGY, AND ALL THE HANNAHS AND HENRYS ARE OUT GETTING ICE CREAM, AND YOU WANNA JOIN THEM.

BUT BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR FIRST LICK OF THAT TASTY CONE, LET ME ASK, ARE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANT?

AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, LET ME ASK ANOTHER QUESTION: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SERIOUSLY CHECKED?

BECAUSE NOT TO PROJECT, BUT NOTHING IS MORE HUMBLING THAN FALLING TO YOUR KNEES BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GET A MEDIUM-SIZED MILKSHAKE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DAIRY IS IN ICE CREAM?

100%.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF HUMANITY CAN’T DIGEST DAIRY?

75%.

THOSE NUMBERS DON’T ADD UP TO A GOOD TIME!

BESIDES, YOU DON’T NEED ICE CREAM TO HAVE FUN.

IT WAS THE GREAT AMERICAN PHILOSOPHER DANNY ZUKO WHO ONCE SAID, “SUMMER LOVIN' HAD ME A BLAST!” HE DIDN’T SAY “SUMMER LOVIN' HAD ME A LACTAID,” BECAUSE THE PATRIARCH OF THE T-BIRDS KNEW WHAT I KNOW: ICE CREAM IS A LITTLE OVERRATED.

WHY TAKE THE HOUR AND A HALF OF BOWEL PAIN THAT COMES WITH A SUNDAE WHEN YOU COULD JUST AS EASILY HAVE A POPSICLE?

HAVE YOU HAD POPSICLES RECENTLY?

IT’S SWEET AND CRISP, IT’S ESSENTIALLY A MOCK-TAIL ON A STICK.

AND HAVE YOU TRIED VEGAN ICE CREAM?

SURE, IT’S A LITTLE PRETENTIOUS, THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT VEGAN, BUT IT TASTES JUST AS GOOD AS REGULAR ICE CREAM WITHOUT THE STOMACH-CHURNING AGONY OF THE REAL STUFF.

I KNOW THIS STUFF SOUNDS SILLY, BUT NOT THAT LONG AGO I WAS JUST LIKE YOU: A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY KID ENJOYING HIS ICE CREAM.

BUT THEN I TURNED 30 AND REALIZED, THIS SUMMERTIME TREAT IS MEANT FOR CHILDREN, TEENS, AND THE 25% OF HUMANITY THAT DOESN’T NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST BATHROOM IS WHENEVER THEY PURCHASE FUDGSICLE.

SO THIS SUMMER HAVE FUN, BE MERRY, AND ASK YOURSELF “IS ICE CREAM REALLY WORTH IT?"