(upbeat music) (gun firing) (glass shattering) (birds chirping) (Tinker singing) ♪ So let me introduce ♪ ♪ I'm g-neither man nor moose ♪ ♪ Oh g-no g-no g-no ♪ (mellow music) ♪ I'm a Gnu ♪ ♪ I'm a Gnu ♪ ♪ The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo ♪ ♪ I'm a Gnu ♪ - I believe you.

♪ How do you do ♪ ♪ You really ought to k-now w-h♪ How much farther is this gaff?

- By the left wheel!

- What does go on under that be?

- Memories, Lovejoy, memories.

♪ I'm a Gnu ♪ (mellow music) (ladder rattling) (car hooting) - [Tinker] Good morning.

- Morning.

Lovejoy, there's a slight probl.

The client's virtually broke.

He's spent all his money buying and renovating the... Where are you going?

- We had a contract.

You decorate, me furnish, him p. Him not pay, me go.

- Easy for you to quit.

I've already done my part.

- [Tinker] Come and meet him.

You're going to love him.

- Yes, he does have a certain charm, you know.

- And an overwhelming sense of .

- I don't mind if it's plastic as long as it looks like the re.

Only this is the real thing and doesn't look like it, OK?

- It wants to be all cut back... - Lovejoy, Major Linden Walker.

- Stinker!

Ha ha!

My goodness me!

(laughs) Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh, goodness me, this is a plea.

I've heard so much about you.

- I heard a few things about yo.

- Now, I'm sure if you and Jane work together, I stay strictly out of it, things will get done.

What do you say?

- I say, what are you using for?

- [Jane] Lovejoy, please!

- No, I like a man who comes straight to the point.

Yeah, money... Tell you what, come with me and I'll show you a photograph ?

(hammer tapping) Excuse me.

Coming through, than.

- Bonkers, broke, and an old buddy of Tinker's.

Not exactly the best credentials in the world.

So when that still, small voice at the back of the old head say, "Danger, Lovejoy, you're about to be turned over," why don't I walk?

- [Jane] Lovejoy!

- [Tinker] Come on.

- That's why.

A chance to help old friends.

- Now, as you know, Lovejoy, there is a deadline.

- Why are we following him?

- [Tinker] Mark of a true officer, Lovejoy.

- Civilians will be here in thr, so we'll need tables, tables, tables, tables to eat the rations off.

(sniffs) Now, then... Aunt May from Windsor.

She'll be down for the opening.

(ruler tapping) You remember her.

Came to the demob party of '58.

- [Tinker] Played the piano.

- Exactly.

Now, what do you see?

- Aunt May brandishing bananas.

- Exactly.

But whence come the bananas, Aunt May brandisheth?

(surprising jingling) - [Tinker] Lovejoy!

- Two silver bowls, Stinker.

- Paul de Pomerey, 1760-ish.

- Ah, well, now you're talking about 40 grand, if they're genuine.

- Oh, solid as a rock.

Now, cash these in for me, Love, and buy me what I want out of the proceeds, OK?

- Does she know she's giving th?

- Well, if you don't believe me, go down and fetch her tomorrow .

Bruce?

Bruce!

Give Lovejoy Aunt May's address?

Oh, and one thing I do need, a piano.

- I know where to get a square .

Wonderful tone, last time I hea.

- You know what we want it for.

"Crime And Punishment" ride aga!

♪ Behind that monarch of the ro♪ ♪ Observer of the highway code ♪ (door opening) - They met in the national serv.

Whoops!

Sort of a two-man ENSA.

They used to entertain the bras.

- Linden, a musical hall turn?

But he comes from such a good f. - Yeah, so do I, and look where I spent last year.

- Would you give the gentleman this address, Ma'am?

- I'm doing nothing until I see that silver.

- Oh, Lovejoy, time is of the e. Look, what say I give you some ?

- Thank you.

- Erm... (upbeat rock music) - Hello!

Anybody there?

(Eric gasps) Sorry, mate, but I did knock.

- What?

- I said, "Sorry, but I did knock."

- Oh, it's like being at sea.

First moments ashore, you feel like the land's heavin.

Same with that band.

Turn 'em off and you still hear.

(Eric shakes) Oh, that's better.

You buying or selling, mate?

- I'm visiting.

Old friends getting together.

Where is he then?

I've tried the cottage, but... - Lovejoy?

Oh, he's out on a buying trip for the firm.

- Yeah?

You're having me on, ain't you?

You've melted him down.

To be honest, you know, I thought he'd come on more tha.

(sniffs) Smells right, though.

- No, that's what we call, "glue", in the trade, Mr. ... - [George] Mr. Palmer.

- Well, can I help, Mr. Palmer?

- No.

I've got to see Lovejoy.

- It's all right, Mr. Palmer.

Lovejoy doesn't keep any secret.

- Don't you kid yourself, son.

- What, you meet him inside, di?

Share the same cell or... - Well, same landing, put it th.

(Eric chuckles) Yeah.

- Well, I'm going to have to be honest with you, Mr. Palmer.

I know it's very difficult when you first come out, but we can't offer you work.

Do you think you could give me a hand with this?

- Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not looking for a sub.

It's more social than business,?

- Ah.

Right.

- Come to think of it, he did used to talk about a par.

- Yeah?

- Gordon Bennett, you're wearing well for a man of 50 odd, who's been half cut since Coron.

- Oh, no, that's Tinker.

He works for us.

You see, basically, we split the work two ways and Tinker does all the running around for us.

Lovejoy looks after the buying and selling, and I'm more the hands-on end o.

- The expert, ay?

- If you like.

- What are you doing now, then?

- Well, this is what we call restoring, Mr. Palmer.

You see, Lovejoy brought this back from one of his trips.

But it's been up against a radiator for 50 years.

All the joints are shriveled.

It's falling to bits.

But you give me a week, and I will have it looking as g. Or old!

(Eric chuckles) God, blimey!

He's fallen right with his feet on the ground, hasn't he?

An expert like you, with all that knowledge and expertise at his fingertips.

But tell me something, have you never heard of supergl?

It'd spare the pen-and-ink, you.

- Authenticity, Mr. Palmer.

That's my trademark.

Would you mind passing me that ?

- No.

- You see, this glue is the same that was used by craftsmen 200 .

- Go on.

- Hepplewhite, Sheraton, Chippe.

- What's in it, then?

- Well, I don't know.

It'll say on the label.

Lovejoy buys it in the supermar.

- Well, if you don't mind me sa, haven't you gone a bit mad with- - Hey, please, Mr. Palmer.

- Sorry.

You're the expert.

I'll tell you what, I'll wait in the garden.

(comical music) (birds chirping) (mellow music) (George slurping) (George sighs) - Just trying to remember if I liked you or not.

- [George] Got your bearings ye?

- What can I do for you, George?

(George chuckles) - Cheese and pickle?

- No.

- Well, you might not believe t, but I've actually come down here to thank you.

Those lectures you did on French Renaissance furniture, they were an inspiration to me.

- You and the two geezers from D Wing, you mean?

- I'm not a screw anymore.

No.

Took my pension, set up in business.

- House clearance?

- I thought we might join forces occasionally.

- Yeah, maybe.

Anything on the cards?

- As it happens, yeah.

A place called Dashwood House.

(upbeat music) (truck rumbling) Uh, Angela, is it?

We spoke on the phone.

- So you must be Mr. Palmer.

- [George] That's right.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Uh, this is Lovejoy.

- Hello.

- [Angela] Hello.

Tables and chairs, you said?

- That's right.

- Have a look round.

I'll be in the kitchen.

- OK. - I expect you'd like some coff?

- [Lovejoy] Mm.

- Yeah.

- It's both of them, Your Ladys.

Fetch this, carry that.

Run down there with this.

Do a fan dance on the way, (sco) Do you want to hear something really disgusting?

- I'm not altogether sure.

- He's started borrowing money .

- Lovejoy?

Oh, that means he li.

He does it to all his friends.

- Well, he borrowed 20 quid Friday morning.

Why?

To make up my wage packet, Friday evening.

My mum says it's robbing Paul t. - You know, there's precious little here that's of any use.

Is there anything in the house,?

- So I thought, "Right, I'll show both of 'em."

- [Jane] Eric!

- Look, what exactly is it you'?

- Things to decorate Linden's rt for the opening party.

What are you going as?

- The Invisible Man.

I'm not invited.

- Oh.

- [Lovejoy] There's some quite nice stuff here, do you know that George?

Put the suit of armor and the candlesticks down to me.

- Yeah.

- A little bit of charm and we're on our way.

- That pension took 30 years to.

Don't spend it all at once.

- Real coffee, nothing like it.

- [George] Nice.

- Seen anything you fancy?

- Yeah, there's some bits and pieces on here.

And as far as the furniture goe, we'd like the refectory table, the gate-leg and the drop-leaf with chairs.

- Price?

- We thought 4,000.

- Then it's a one-sided convers.

- Oh, that's just for the furni.

Another 2,000 for the bits and .

- Cash?

That makes six.

- Half each, right?

- [George] Yeah.

Expensive brand of charm, Lovej.

(mellow music) (truck rumbling) (door slams) - [George] Good morning!

- Good morning.

- If your name's Lady Jane, firstly, he says he'll see you at the auction.

Second, what did he ever do to deserve a crumpet like you?

- Could I set you straight on one or two matters, whoever you are?

- Well, I'm the fella that's brought a bit of busines.

George Palmer.

- I'm Lovejoy's business partne.

And Crumpet, as far as I'm awar, is still a cake one cooks on a .

- Sorry I spoke.

- I share that view.

(Eric chuckles) - Is this all the stuff from the Dashwood House, Mr. Palmer?

- It is, yeah.

It's en route to a place called.

Subject, of course, to Her Ladyship's approval.

(door rattling) - Eric!

Now, that is exactly what I'm looking for.

- Well, it's a pity we couldn't get it in your size, pet.

You must be about a 12.

- It's not for me, Mr. Palmer.

I fight without armor, as you may well discover before much longer.

(car hooting) - [George] Who's this, then?

- Uh, don't you think you'd better be on your way, George?

- Eric, hitch up Miriam, dear b.

We go in search of a piano.

- [Jane] Morning, Tinker.

- Good morning, ma'am.

- Oh, this is the fella that does the running around for you and Lovejoy.

- Well, come along, lad, jump t. We haven't got all day.

You're the only one who understands the mysteries of this trailer, so unravel them before I thicke.

(Eric chuckles) - What a character, ay?

- Yeah.

Do you know, the way staff treat their employers these days...

Shocking, innit?

- Wagons roll!

(Eric whinges) (upbeat music) - When did we actually meet, th?

- You held a Victorian soiree.

"Save the hedgehog", I think it.

I was prevailed upon to sing a small selection.

- [Eric] What, all the words?

- Comment at thy peril.

- Well, nice to see you again.

Here it is.

- [Tinker] That's not it.

- It is.

- No, there's been a mistake.

- Look, you said on the phone you wanted my piano.

We're getting the deluxe model of this next week.

It'll take a bigger fish tank.

Now, are you or are you not int?

- You had a four-legged Dutch j.

- Ah!

- Ah.

- Ah.

(flies buzzing) Sacrilege.

- Well, it is mine to do as I please with, you know.

- 50 miles for a three-legged potted bench.

- I do have that piece, actuall.

I use it as a dibber.

- 300 pounds, Mr. Sorrel.

My only offer.

- You can't give good money for this old rubbish!

- The young have no feeling for.

Especially when it comes to mus.

(piano resonating) Stockhausen.

(comical music) (piano rolling) (car rumbling) - Been here before?

- Once or twice.

It's too big a schlep for day-to-day stuff.

I do know that somewhere throug, is a French restaurant that you would adore.

- Since when have you been an authority on my tastes?

- Oh, with young Alexander away, there's no one to cook for you.

- German, mid 18th century.

Quite wrong for Linden.

(comical music) - They must have dropped the stuff off at lunch time.

His name's George Palmer.

He's a thickset sort of bloke, fair hair, mustache, about 5'10".

- Oh, give us a break, Lovejoy.

That describes most people over.

Let's have a squint at the ledg.

What about the woman?

- Well, she's a good-looker.

Dark, tall, a sort of very direct way about her.

George?!

(suspenseful music) (car rumbling) (disappointing music) - Are you all right?

- Oh, yeah.

I just burgled a house and paid three grand for the pr.

(Lovejoy sighed) ♪ And very soon you'll find yourself inside the terminus ♪ ♪ In a London Transport, diesel♪ ♪ 97 horsepower omnibus ♪ ♪ Hold very tight please ♪ ♪ Ting ting ♪ (car revving) (mellow music) (tires screeching) (siren wailing) (mellow music) - Richard Clayderman?

- No.

Eric Catchpole.

- Out.

Both of you.

You got an M.O.T.

for this scra?

- Well, I dunno.

It's my govern.

- Last time I saw anything as bald as that, it was in The Magnificent Seven.

- [Tinker] Terrific film!

- Shut up.

Insurance?

License to kill?

- [Sergeant] Where are you taking the piano?

- To a restaurant, Sergeant.

- [Sergeant] Peckish, is it?

- Oh, very witty!

Um, tell me, are you moving, or is it the car?

- Jem!

Quick!

Get in this thing, quick!

(car crashing) (piano resonating) Dearie, dearie me.

- Ha!

(comical music) (mellow music) (van rumbling) - Where is he?

- Major Walker is in London, ma.

Regimental reunion.

- When's he back?

- I couldn't say, madam.

These things have a habit of ov.

(door creaking) (Lovejoy grumbling) - Lovejoy... - Oh, Janey!

Look!

- Calm down.

Calm down, Lovejoy.

Look, this George and Angela, maybe they took a fancy to each other this morning when they met.

- Oh, give me a break.

- All right then, so maybe they knew each other b.

- So why didn't he say so?

- Some women like to keep their private lives private.

Well, what are you going to say?

"All this stuff's stolen.

Your only party's off"?

- Yeah.

- He'll be so disappointed.

- Oh, and what will I be?

Laughing at five years inside, ?

- Who are you phoning?

- George.

My fingerprints are all over th.

He didn't touch anything and she wore rubber gloves the .

- I thought you might hold off for a few days, as far as the police are concer.

Till after the opening party.

- Why?

- Well, Linden needs good publiy for the place to succeed.

Well, if it fails, then... - We might not get paid.

- I was actually thinking of hi.

But now you come to mention it, yes, we could be out of pocket.

And what's a few days, providing we tell the truth in ?

- You do loosen up once young Alexander goes away, don't you?

- It being lunch time, madam, may I offer you a cold collatio?

- No!

- Before we do anything else, I think we should just check Dashwood House, make sure Angela doesn't own it.

(birds chirping) - [Man] Don't start about that burglar alarm again!

- [Woman] All right, you're rig.

Just tell the officer what's go.

- [Man] Uh- - [Woman] A table!

- [Man] Yes, there were tables, some chairs.

Uh, one or two small items.

- [Woman] The candlesticks.

- German candlesticks.

A French clock.

Um, can you believe a suit of a?

- Typical of Mrs. M's daughter, choosing this week to give birt!

- [Man] Oh, Andrea!

- [Andrea] Well, they certainly knew their onions.

- They sure did.

They didn't touch that vase your mother gave me for my birthday.

- It's not her, is it?

- Like I said, I burgled a house this morning.

That one.

I blew three grand of your money.

Come on, let's get it back from that Auntie May.

(comical music) - Four o'clock this afternoon, .

Right here.

New tires, new brakes, new elec.

Can't say fairer than that.

- And an M.O.T., Adrian.

- Pushing it a bit for time, ar?

- Reputable garage like ours?

D!

Take it away, Carly.

- Tell your governor he'll be hearing from us.

(van rumbling) - [Eric] They won't be back til.

What're we gonna do till then?

- Take advantage of the country.

- [Lovejoy] Auntie May can't li.

Are you sure there's not another Stables Road?

- Well, it says Killdorry.

- Yeah, but she's one of your l. I mean, look.

- Well, shall we stand here gueg or go in and find out?

- Hello.

Come in.

- [Lovejoy] Mrs. Walker?

- That's right.

Do come in.

You will excuse the clutter, wo?

I'm moving, you know.

Yes, of course you know, why else would you be here?

We'll start with the kitchen.

- Um, Mrs. Walker, I'm Lovejoy.

- Ah, that rings a bell.

Any children yet?

- We thought we'd wait.

- We're not actually married, M. - [May] Oh, I say.

How exciting.

- We are friends of Linden's.

We've come to take you to him.

- Well, I'd best get ready then?

Um, you could start putting my things in your car.

- How long were you thinking of?

- Forever, dear.

If he wants my silver, he gets me as well.

- Well, I'm sure he's looking forward to it.

- You wanna bet?

We came over from Ireland, all of us, in 1928.

Big house there, burned to the ground, you see.

Oh, you'd have wept, Mr. Lovejo.

All the furniture up in smoke.

Some of it priceless.

- But you managed to hang onto some of the smaller stuff though, ay?

- Oh, gold and silver was all i. Daddy spent it as the years wen, rather than get a job in London.

- How come he left the tablewar?

- Just one of those things, dea.

(comical music) - Hands off!

- It's way past four and there's no sign of them yet.

(Tinker inhales) - North, I think.

- Yeah, but we can't leave this.

- I noticed a pay-phone as we passed through the villag.

The fact that it had a pub wrapped round it, is pure coincidence.

- [Man] 84.

- Where am I?

- [Barmaid] Three Horseshoes, P. - Phone?

- [Barmaid] Over there.

- Thank you.

- Is he with you?

- I'm afraid so.

Otherwise, who knows what passi, the two of us might unleash?

- Oh, you daft devil!

What're you having?

- A large whisky, a small chase, something for your bounteous se.

And for our chaperone, a lager.

The gassier, the better.

- Cheers, Bev.

- See you, lads.

Drive safely.

(man grumbling) Be off with you.

You're supposed to be there in .

Darts team, away match.

They nearly didn't make it.

- Oh, dear.

- Well, they didn't have any tr.

Then someone lent Adrian his ca.

- Blue, with brown spots?

- [Barmaid] Death trap.

- [Tinker] Eric, come on!

(upbeat music) (tires screeching) (men cheering) - Lovejoy's gonna kill us.

You paid three ton for a musical potting shed.

Now I've given Miriam away.

- But we have our health.

Let us go and drink to it.

- I haven't got the wherewithal- - And I haven't got the whiteba, or the king prawns, or the scallops or the Scottish.

- But that's virtually the enti.

- Same goes for the wine.

- 123 quid or I'm off.

This was your party.

- Three hundred!

(car hooting) - Lovejoy, Jane, look, vouch for me, will you?

- Oh, he's a terrific guy.

Oh, and Jane, will you tell Bru, we could do with another hand with the luggage, please?

- Tell him I'm good for the money as soon as I... Oh, Aunt!

You're looking wonder.

Look, come up and explain to these gentlemen, will you?

You're giving me some family sir by way of working capital, hmm?

- Why have you got your hair done like that?

You've put on weight as well.

Now, that's really silly.

- Can we discuss those criticisms later, Auntie?

Uh, gentlemen, it'll only take .

Just hang about and discuss Christian virtues for a bit, like truth and honor, and love of your fellow men and.

Look, Auntie- - Where's my room?

- It's in the attic.

- Oh, I say, how romantic!

- Romantic?

You haven't brought a lover, have you?

- No, don't be so silly.

- What are all these bags and l?

- Well, are you sitting down, mentally, I mean?

She's moving in.

- No!

- No move in, no silver.

It's in the bag.

- You are fired, both of you!

Uh, Mr. Williams.

The tables in the restaurant.

Could you help us unload them into your van, please?

I'm sure one'll fit.

- Uh, no, sorry.

Just letting off steam.

- How was the regimental reunio?

- Ruined by coming back here!

- I noticed Tinker wasn't there.

- Well of course he wasn't 'cause he's a noncommissioned t!

- Of course, this isn't everyth.

My neighbor's going to bring th, when I ask him.

- What shall I do with this, si?

- You can- - You look like a barman sort o.

Could I have a dry sherry, plea?

- Of course you can have a dry sherry, Auntie.

You can have a whole crate of dy if you could just persuade Albee to use a little imagination.

- How much do you owe them, Lin?

- No, I couldn't, Jane.

- Uh, 300 for Albert, and 123 for Percy.

- Ten per cent off for an invite to the opening.

- Look, if you think I'm having- - [Jane] Done!

- Auntie, could I just have a look at the silver?

- Well, I think we'll put it in the safe, shall we?

And then we can talk.

Ah, thank you.

- Madam, I wonder if you might inform your business partner that he needn't look so pleased with himself?

There was a phone call from someone called Eric earlier.

Apparently, they've impounded M. - Oh, thank you, Jane.

(comical music) (mellow music) - Good morning!

- [Tinker] Oh!

(Tinker groaning) - [Eric] Why didn't you come last night, Lovejoy?

- The forecast was for showers.

I was hoping you'd both get pneumonia and die.

- Now, hold your horses, Lovejo.

Wait till you see what- - Bike!

Now!

(Eric groans) (bike rumbling) Car.

(car revving) (car rumbling) - Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

- What?

- Would you test me on my words?

Linden and I are the cabaret for the opening night.

A couple of large gins and I'm word perfect.

- Well, there's your answer, th.

- Lovejoy, I'm sorry about the .

I'm sure we can hire one, and I think you're going to agree that it was worth- - "Crime And Punishment", ay?

Why do you call yourselves, "Crime And Punishment"?

- It was a long time ago, Lovej.

Some talk of a Lagonda, some like a smart- - I know why you call yourselve, "Crime And Punishment".

Major Crime Linden and Corporal Punishment, you.

You were rank and file.

You never were brass.

- I never said I was.

- You never denied it all these.

- All right, Lovejoy, tell the world and make me look.

- You don't need my help for th.

- I'd rather go as a humble British squaddie.

- Oh, I don't know, she offers you an emperor and you plump for Tommy Smith.

- Eric, you couldn't count the world wars we've had, let alone tell us anything abou.

(Eric humming) I'm not going to a party dressep as an enemy of the British peop.

If you're so fond of the shmutt, you wear it.

- I've not been invited, mate.

- [Tinker] No?

- [Jane] But you are going, I t?

- I wouldn't go if you paid me.

- Ah!

No sulking, young Eric.

- Listen, if I'm not good enough to be invited in the first plac.

- They invited the whole firm.

Your exclusion must have been a clerical error.

They didn't know you worked for.

We fought against these people, too, you know.

- (sighs) Well, we fought most people, Tinker.

- Well, in that case, I shall either go naked or as a humble squaddie.

Take your pick.

Oh, do come, Eric.

Besides, I'll need a lift.

- Especially if he's naked.

And anyway, we do need somebody to make sure no one peers under the tablecloths.

- Who's the music, then?

- I am the music, dear boy.

- (scoffs) Well, that's not much of a choice.

- [Tinker] Pardon?

- You and that old piano?

What a waste of Linden's three hundred quid that was!

One end of it was held up by a pile of books.

- Old books, Eric.

- What's age got to do with it?

- You'd be surprised.

- No, Thanks very much, but I think I'll give it a miss.

- You can't say we didn't try.

- Do you mind?

- Sorry.

(upbeat music) ♪ This is the Army, Mister Jone♪ ♪ No private rooms or telephone♪ ♪ You had your breakfast in bed♪ ♪ But you won't have it there a♪ (all laugh) - No, seriously, Jane, the scallop has a really interesting sex life.

- Oh, yes?

Dated a few scallops in your time, have you, Lovejoy?

- Don't ask me how they do it but they do it from a distance.

- A lot to be said for it as th.

- Finally got it out of her.

Like drawing teeth.

(Linden chuckles) Oh, Andrea, my darling!

- Sorry we're late, old man.

- How was the holiday?

- Oh, don't ask!

- Lovejoy!

Those people... Dashwood House.

- And when we got back- - We'd been burgled.

Cleaned out.

- Percy, who's that?

- Linden's stockbroker.

Not that he's got a lot of stoc.

(mellow music) - Lovejoy and the redhead, they're not married, you know.

- No, that's right.

- Oh, you knew, then?

About them living together.

- Did they take anything seriou?

- Well, all of my best furnitur.

I mean, the tables and chairs.

Didn't touch the safe.

- No, or my jewels.

- [Linden] Thank God for that.

Have a word with Dennis.

Detective Inspector Dennis Hard.

- Look, can't you put a bomb up?

- Look, go and have some dinner, you all can talk about it.

- Well, actually, I've just eaten.

- Well, go and eat some more.

G. - Do you know, your station sent round a 12-year-old.

- Lovejoy, say hello to your favorite silversmith.

- Hello, Justin.

- Justin's very interested in t. - He probably smelled it as he .

- Is it everything it's cracked?

I mean, I might have a buyer or two up my sleeve.

- Have a look at it, Justin.

- Ooh!

(bell dinging) - Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I have your attention.

- I'm on, Lovejoy.

I'm going to sing.

- To aid your digestion, we have a cabaret item.

Our performers have really researched the archives- - Get on with it, Bruce!

- To bring you this little numb.

- I mean, can you believe three?

Well, one of them was this sort.

You don't put that on a roof rack, you know!

- At least they didn't smear the walls with you know what.

- They even took a suit of armo.

- So, please put your hands togr for Crime And Punishment!

(all applauding) ♪ Some talk of a Lagonda ♪ ♪ Some like a smart MG ♪ ♪ Or for a bonny army lorry ♪ (audience laugh) ♪ They'd lay them down and dee ♪ ♪ Such means of locomotion ♪ ♪ Seem rather dull to us ♪ ♪ The driver and conductor of ♪ ♪ A London omnibus ♪ ♪ Hold very tight please, ting,♪ ♪ Hold very tight please, ting,♪ ♪ When you are lost in London ♪ ♪ And you don't know where you ♪ - Well, where's my husband?

- [Geoffrey] I'm down here.

- Oh, Geoffrey!

- This is our table.

- What?

- That's the leg that Rex chewe.

♪ On a London transport, diesel♪ ♪ 97 horse power omnibus ♪ ♪ Along the Queen's great Highw♪ ♪ I drive my merry load ♪ ♪ At 20 miles-per-hour in the middle of the road ♪ ♪ We like to drive in convoys ♪ ♪ We're most gregarious ♪ ♪ In a big six-wheeler ♪ ♪ Scarlet-painted ♪ ♪ London transport ♪ ♪ Diesel-engined ♪ ♪ 97-horsepower omnibus ♪ ♪ Earth has not anything to sho♪ - We've been rambled.

- [Geoffrey] I've had enough of!

Stop this!

Stop this!

Stop all this at once!

- What is going on?

- Linden, where did you get this stuff from?

- I don't know.

Can't it wait?

- No, it can't!

Those tables through there are .

- [Andrea] Ours!

- Ours.

Well, where did you get them fr?

- Where did we get them from?

Where did we get them from?

Where did we get them from, Lov?

- Well, who the hell's Lovejoy?

(comical music) (Lovejoy moaning) - Lovejoy?

Lovejoy!

- Oh, go away, Dennis.

- What are you trying to do to me, Lovejoy?

I am one of the few people my side of the fence who reckons you're not as bent as a nine bob note.

So what's with the paw prints all over Dashwood House?

- Oh, why would I leave paws all over a house that I was robbing?

- We have had a string of burglaries lately, Lovejoy.

My governor's gonna want blood .

Yours'll do.

- Give me a week, Dennis.

Give me a week and I'll hand you the people that did Dashwood House on a plate.

- Explain.

- I explain better with my trou.

- Not what I've heard.

- [Radio] BBC Essex.

News updat.

- We had a telex from the neighboring force, yesterday.

Subject, your car.

I can't keep bailing you out, L. - I'll see to it this week, I p. - You're having a very busy wee, aren't you?

(Lovejoy sighs) "George Palmer, House Clearance" Not even subtle, is it?

- Well, this George might not be anything special, but Angela Moxon, she's very cr.

- Right, I'll run the phone number through the mangle.

Doubt you did any of that.

- You see, I thought it was a bit of kosher business Dennis.

I mean, if you can't trust a sc, who can you trust?

- Get off!

You just saw a chance to get into Her Ladyship's drawers at last.

Blinded you to the danger.

Crumpet'll be the death of you,.

My car phone.

You got one week.

(vacuum rumbling) - Will you turn that off?

- [Lovejoy] Morning.

- What's this all about, Lovejo?

- These.

You reckon they're worth about fifty grand, right?

- Only because you told us so, and as we all know, you are the expert.

- They were brought over from Ireland in the '20s.

Right, May?

- Yes.

- Well, I think somebody scratcf de Pomeroy's signature and screwed around with a hallm, because as an antique they were, but as silver gilt they weren't.

Am I right, May?

- Yes!

That's why Daddy didn't .

By the time he got round to it, they weren't worth much.

- And knowing that, you still decided to move in wi!

- Yes.

I was lonely, you see.

- [Linden] Well, how much are t?

- About three grand, top whack.

But they can be restored to their former glory with a little delicate engravin.

- Ten per cent.

- Three.

- Five?

- [Linden] Top man!

- Done.

- Excuse me, Major, there's a phone call for Lovejoy.

- Would you thank Brucey for that information, Linden?

- Lovejoy says thank you for the information, Bruce.

- I suppose you'll want me to pack my bags.

- Strangely enough, Auntie, that was my first thought.

- Oh, Major Linden!

- Oh, Linden, she is your flesh.

- Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Love.

But I was looking forward to hae in my declining years, and people buying me drinks at .

- My second was that you should.

A lot!

I will do many things for you, , but I will not wash up!

- [Tinker] Bravo!

- What do you mean, "Bravo"?

- Thank you, Dennis.

George Palmer's head office.

(mellow music) - Cheers, mate.

That's great.

- George!

I've been trying to get hold of you for days, mate.

- Lovejoy.

Of course, you've, uh... You met Angie.

(phone ringing) - Hello, Angie.

I made a bit of a fool of mysel, last time we met, didn't I?

- No problem.

What do you want, Lovejoy?

- Want?

What do I want?

More of the same.

I know that you took me for three grand last time, but I made that back from the client, and more.

- Yeah, we thought you would.

Didn't we, Angie?

- I don't blame you wanting to keep the scam to yourself.

Very nice, Angie.

Very nice, Ge.

Find out who's on holiday, break in at your leisure.

- Well, you see, what it is... Angie's got a sister what works in the travel- - George!

So, you're not so squeaky clean.

- George had me figured all alo.

- What did I tell you, Ange?

- I can see you're the one I talk business to, Angie.

See what you think of this.

(upbeat music) (metal clanging) - No, no... No, thanks.

- Excellent work.

Well done, Mr. um... - Thank you, sir.

When's the auction?

- Tomorrow.

By the way, Lovejoy doesn't wan.

Low profile and so forth.

- Well, I wasn't thinking of the Normandy landings.

Just you and me.

Besides, you need a new piano.

On top of which, you have something to sell.

- Really?

- They didn't call you Lucky Linden for nothing, old bean.

- [Jane] Go on, then.

Go on.

- [Lovejoy] 1749.

- How can you be so precise?

- Oh, we have our ways.

One of them being it's carved on it, just there.

(Jane chuckles) Linden and his problems got in the way, didn't they?

- What of?

- That lunch we planned.

- Oh.

- How about tomorrow, before th?

- OK. (dog barking) - Why did you visit me inside?

- Oh, perhaps it's the one place I felt safe with you.

Apart from which, I knew you were innocent.

We both did.

- Your old man as well?

- Mm-hm.

- Just got to make a phone call.

(phone ringing) - Hello.

- Hello, Dennis.

- You done anything about your ?

- Yeah, well I just thought you'd like to know that George Palmer and young Ane are doing a place right now.

- [Dennis] Where?

(sneaky music) - What do you reckon?

- Reserve of 40,000.

- Agreed.

- May I?

- There are a lot of likely buyers out there, Lovejoy.

A big dealer from London was in.

Said he knew you.

- Who?

- Parrish.

James Parrish.

- Lovejoy!

- Excuse me.

- Lovejoy!

(piano resonating) - I told you two not to make a .

- You'll be glad we did turn up.

- Just don't clap when the silver goes down, OK?

- Patience, Lovejoy.

- Tinker, who's the blue suit with the red tie?

- He's a big London dealer.

Jam.

Specializes in silver.

(piano resonating) - Ting-ting!

(Linden chuckles) (mellow music) Lovejoy, Chas Bullivant wants to see you up in his office.

- What about?

- He wouldn't say.

But if it's bad news, remember, you have friends about you.

- Yeah, I know, but why are they all skint?

- It looks good, it smells good, but it's rubbish.

- Now, hang on, Chas.

- The gear may be authentic, but the hallmark isn't.

- Of course it is.

- Knowing your past reputation, I had Jim Parrish give it a thorough going over.

1765, agreed?

- So?

- Yes, well that makes him a very clever man.

He'd been dead for two years.

- Sh!

Chas!

Chas!

Chas, the stuff belongs to a Linden Walker.

Now, a more honest chap you couldn't wish to meet.

- Major Walker, who wouldn't be seen dead with you because he's a gentleman, isn't here selling silver.

He's selling a book.

- A book?

(piano resonating) (comical music) - Afternoon.

- Afternoon.

- Nice day for it.

What?

Well, screwing the aristo.

Oh, my name's Hardwick, by the .

But you can call me Bill.

- Lovejoy!

- Never heard of him.

- 600?

Are you all done at 600 ?

Once, twice... A Kirkwood baby grand, sold to Major Walker.

Thank you very much.

We turn now to an item which is not in your catalogs, ladies and gentlemen, but which has attracted considerable interest.

It's a very fine copy of the second collected edition of Chaucer's works, edited by William Thynne, printed in 1532.

May I start you off at 10,000 p?

Thank you very much, madam.

15,000, thank you, sir.

20,000 pounds.

25,000.

30,000.

35,000 pounds.

40,000.

45,000 pounds.

50,000 pounds.

Any advance on 50,000 pounds?

60,000 pounds.

(gavel tapping) - Yes, but he doesn't look an honest man though, does he?

- Tinker?

What makes you say th?

- I have known a few soldiers in my time, Lovejoy.

Most of them ran wild back in Civvy Street.

- Tink, wild?

We're talking about an officer and a gentleman.

- Excuse me, sir.

Is this your vehicle?

- Maybe not much of a gentleman, but certainly an officer.

Khaki being thicker than water, he gave Linden the book.

Not a bad return on capital, ay?

Three hundred makes sixty grand!

- Well, it's nice to be paid for our work at last.

- He even gave us the 3000 George Palmer took.

- Oh, I'd forgotten about Georg.

How goes the case against he and his lady friend?

- Didn't I tell you?

Hardwick caught them red-handed.

Yeah, turning over a big house .

- Come on, Bruce.

Show a little bit of initiative, for goodness' sake.

Aunt May.

Couldn't bear to sell them.

Couldn't let them out of the fa.

Let's keep them for very special occasions.

What do you say?

I'm still not washing up for my.

I'd rather go back to Windsor, to loneliness and the danger of being attacked.

Or having a fall.

- Aunt May, on the domestic front I surrender.

However, I would like to discuss some of your, other talents.

(birds chirping) (Linden and Tinker singing) - Lovejoy!

What gives?

- Some kid collecting car numbe.

Who's playing the piano?

Oh.

- Not finished yet, Auntie.

Now, any more requests?

- Yes.

What about that tune that introduces the snooker on BBC2 was it?

Scott Joplin, isn't it?

(piano resonating) - Excellent choice, if I may sa.

- Thank you, Bruce.

(glasses clink) - Excuse me.

- Hello, Justin.

- Oh, hello, Lovejoy.

- I'd like a word with you.

- By the way, Lovejoy, did Hardwick mention which hous?

- Sorry?

- That George and Angela burgle?

- Oh, he didn't have to.

I already knew.

(upbeat music) (upbeat music)